Hello From The Magic Tavern - Patreon Unlocked: Good AfterFoon!

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Enjoy this unlocked bonus episode from our Patreon! In this episode, we hear Foon's favorite forest-based afternoon talk show hosted by a vampire and a bird!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!CreditsDeb Falcon: Brooke BreitKorvath the Unknowable: Kevin ScirettaFrank Femur and Ricki Powergrab-Llewellyn: Becca BarishChuck the Squirrel, Constable Velour, and Cynthia Powergrab: Matt YoungShubblepants the Demon: HimselfCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Matt YoungPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Welcome back to Bootleg Craig's Pirate Patreon Patreon radio taking your requests for the hottest

magic tavern bonus episodes from patreon.com slash magic tavern. Looks like we got a collar on the line. This is PV3 from space. Go ahead PV3. Great question, Collar. I'm going to hang up on you so we can get right into it. You see Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern has dozens of hilarious and informative bonus episodes starring all your friends from the land of Foon, with two new episodes added every month.

Now normally you'd have to sign up and support the show to hear this stuff, but this week I'm giving everyone a taste of what they've been missing. Up next we've got Good After Foon, Foon's favorite forest-based afternoon talk show, hosted by a vampire and a bird. Take a listen and if you laugh even once, head over to patreon.com slash magic tavern to hear more. Good After Phone! I'm Deb Falcon and I am Corvath the Unknowable and we're here with everything you want or don't want on an afternoon and phone.

It's time for you to just cozy up, settle in and have your two best friends tell you everything you need to know about what's going down in Good Old Funtown. We're located here in the middle of the forest, broadcasting to anybody in the near vicinity that can hear us. This shows sponsored by Sunlight. Sunlight, it's falling on us right now, which is a prop which Dev, I don't need to tell you, is a big problem for me. Corvath, I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were.

I was like, nobody could see right now the umbrella over Corvath. But that's what's happening right now. Did you know me? I had my crazy guy and I loved to have a good time in the daytime. But that's hard for me because I am a vampire. I'm a member of the night kingdom. I'm sub-unblood and I feast in shadows. But after food, it has to happen in the afternoon.

It's not called the leaving in food evening. That show was cancelled. No, that show was cancelled. Now, Corvath, is your parasol handle that bone? That's burnt, this is burnt. This one. My parasail is attached to my sailboat, which is in the lake just behind us. And the parasail is really a specific day. It has to be very windy. Like a wind lord has to be about or it has to be hurricane time around us. And my parasol, yes, this is bone.

It is from the hip of a heap of griff. See now, what a fun choice to use a hip bone for the handle of your parasol. You know, because if you think about it, it usually went like a long bone, but you got a real, a real honker there that you can just grasp onto. No, I got the real, yeah, I got the real shorty.

I got a real, I want to have it very close. I want to have it at the uncomfortable arm angle. To remind myself that it needs to be above my head because if I put it down like so, I can't see, I have to immediately burst into flames. Now Deb, let me ask you something. Uh-huh. The pedestals that you are perched upon

so that you are I level with me because you are a falcon. I'm a bird! Is this also made of bone? Oh yes, yes, yes. The bones of my enemies. Ooh, so it's many bones. It's many bones. I killed multiple mice, removed their skulls, and then fuse them together with my own spittle

to make myself this little pedestal to stand on. And you know what, I couldn't be prouder. I couldn't be prouder of it. I wish you could all see this at home. I wish anybody could see us right now. We're in the middle of a forest. But these mice skulls, you can see the terror on their bones. Because normally you would need musculature and skin

to show you and eyes for the eyelids to pop when they go, oh no, Falcon, but you can really tell that these mice died screaming. And you can also tell because I put googly eyes on them. That's what the at ease, okay. The glare from the glare was over there and I could not see past it, but now I can see it's just real fun giggly eyes.

It's real fun giggly eyes all over. You know, today on the show we are going to talk about all sorts of things like that. Giggly eyes, I think far under crafts. So we will be talking crafts. We will be talking fun things to do around the home. We will be talking about the best way to dispose of the remains of your various enemies. Or, not even these could even be enemies. It might be just those who are allied to you, but in your path. So, all in all, we get a great show for you.

All in all, we get a great show for you. I don't know what dynamite is, but it's dynamite. And we are going to have a real good time. We're going to start on a real downer, though. I don't know what dynamite is, but it's dynamite. And we are going to have a real good time. We're gonna start on a real downer though. I'll tell you that. We're gonna start on a real downer. And that is the fact that the girl that fell in the well

about a week ago is still in the well. Are you fucking kidding me? I know. Still in that damn well. Okay, she has been at this point. Okay. Okay, if I could say something right off the bat. Please, is that a vampire pun?

It has to be. At this point, I think she likes it in there. I don't think that she's trying to get out of the well at this point. She has been in there for a long time. We are, of course, everyone know that we are talking about baby Jess a bit. She went into the well because she heard a voice offering her riches untold, aka sweet sankandis.

And next thing, you know, that little dumbass has at the bottom of an empty well. And all we have seen so many efforts to get this This little shit up out of that darkness and the back into the bright sunshine Which again is my mortal enemy and yet here we are she's still down there I got I got to be honest what this is we we said a week ago a week ago. Oh, we can go. Yeah And so but who knows can, can we be real? Maybe this isn't her first time in the well.

You know what, she has a tone of someone who has fallen in her well before. She seems to be accustomed to the acoustics of yelling for help or as I like to say attention. While she's at the bottom of this thing, I mean, at this point, fashion, here's what I would do okay if I was in the situation if I was a little girl and I fell down a well I would fashion a ladder out of the bones at the bottom of the well because there's going to be bones at the bottom

she's not the first person to fall down a well and not and not all of them got out. So there's got to be people of varying or forms of varying height and the must end bone skilleture that can be fashioned into a edifice to get up get up out of that thing. So to play a demon's advocate here for a minute to play to play a demon's advocate. Could you name Zedemon? Uh, uh, Shubelpants. Shubelpants of Zif- Oh, Shubelpants. Shubelpants. Oh, shit. Shubelpants. Fuck, hold on. I'm gonna... Well, I-

Okay, I've surrounded us with runes, so we're protected. I'm gonna... I was surprised. Yes! Okay, see you later. He might be on the show later, though. So, you never know who's going to pop up on Good After F the phone. So fun. Sometimes it's a demon that you name. Anyway, I'm sorry. So you were playing demons advocate. What if she fell into a boneless well. Okay. Now this

presents a problem that I did not account for because I assumed that there were going to be bones in that well. So she's down there and it's all boneless. Then maybe I have judged her too harshly. And so on behalf of Witchtree, should I address this to this one over here? I would like to apologize to the little girl and her dumb family. If I have a major sad by saying that your dumb child should not have tipped out if after the voice offering sweets and candies. And that but that is only if there are no buns and if there's buns in there get to work. Right, right. Because we can assume

otherwise that she's unwell. Okay. Is that a well-pun? And well, to keep things on a downer. Okay, yes. To keep things on a downer, we have witnessed the moon above us split in half as of two nights ago, correct? We have witnessed it cleave in twain. Oh yes. One half has taken the shape of a lover and the other has taken the shape of its destiny. And we have all known as these foretold in the scrolls of the forest that this would mean that awful, awful rain will be upon our heads and soon. Because that of course,

foretells the arriving of the Locust King. So, I tap on my tongue. Right, that's what it's always, it's always something and it's always the Locust King. It could be, yeah. So I picked up this in the book last night, while I was on my constitutional constitutional and it is a great, it's a great little, quickly little read and it's called What to Expect when you're expecting

the Locust King. And it's just a guide for first time Doom's Ayers and Pockelips' Experian's Ayers who may not know what's going on when the foretold lord of that which feasts on all that these righteous rips the veil and returns to seek a horrifying, horrifying revenge on all that is considered to be righteous. And right in your page one I think it's a great thing. It just says lament. I think that's a great place to start because... Yeah, yeah. Because, okay, the moon is in half, okay? Yeah. Ladies, the moon is in half. Gentleman, same facts, everyone, across all borders,

inspectors, the moon is in half. So it's time's time to lament but that i can see that you have a reaction to these uh... to this page one in just big letters it says lament see now i i am thinking back on the last time i was expecting the locust king sure i bought this book when i was within that time period it was like uh... the trimester that the locust king was arriving. And I said, I didn't even crack it open.

I didn't even crack it open. It just sat collecting dust. And if I had, I'm just going through all the, the should of what it could is. Right. Of that time. And so I'm just so glad you brought this to my attention that this is worth it.

Even if a chapter is a single word, you know, what can you do with that? And I will lament. Right. Because the second chapter is also a single word and it just says toil. That's not just toil. And that could be toil to prepare yourself for your inevitable demise. Sure. Toil to resist that which has been foretold. It could be just keep working on whatever project that you've focused on because just because a Locust King is returning doesn't mean that your life should end. You're still the person that you were before the Locust King arrived. It's just that you might not be that person for much longer because he is supposed to consume us whole

and while we are wailing for the scenes that we did not commit. Feels like a moon day, am I right? Oh, my parasol. Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,. Corvette is unknowable, but he knows one thing. That's sunlight, he's a bitch. And the third chapter is fun. I eat in this, this is the one that I really focused on, which is just sleep when they sleep.

And I think that's a very good advice, you know? If the Locust King goes down for a little bit of a, the Winks, then that's your opportunity to catch a few yourself, because the Locust king is probably running your ragged, you know? And some people, some people are gonna tell you that you gotta sleep train the locus king. They're gonna tell you to locus king is is riving and rageful and rathing to just shut the door.

Right. Shut the door and go about your business. And that's a hard thing to do. And you know what, I'm not gonna be the one to say, it's right or it's wrong, I'm just gonna say, it's a choice. And if you wanna do it, do it. But if you wanna go in there

and have consensual relations with the Locust King to calm him, that's also a fine choice. That's a choice. Just know you will carry the seed of the locust king within your body. It will not emerge at the time you expect it to emerge. It will emerge when it wants to emerge. And therefore, consume your entire body and you then gave birth to the spawn of the Locust King, also known as the Locust Pupa. So that's what to expect when you're expecting the Locust King.

It's un-sale at all bookstores and their birthday carries and also various magic shops that will allow literature within. And it's by, again, another noted author of how to get, various Armagedons, and it's by the Duchess Apocalypse of the Cah. And you can find all of her. She has a ton of reading material for all these sort of things. She's been through the Locust King thing before, and she'll get through it too. So that's just fun. I just said that's fine. She, you know what, I, I, I,

I'm always looking for a good book. You know, I'm always looking for a good read, a good pick up, and this is what I'm gonna do. This is what I'm gonna do. Thank you for bringing that today, Corvette. Oh, yeah, it's of course. And I want to remind everybody that this show is sponsored by Trees.

Trees. You can't have a forest without them, but if you can't see the forest, it might be because of the trees. Thanks, Trees. Spons- brought to you by- trees are brought to you by wood and further synthesis. Back to you. Check this square. Oh, check the squirrel. Wait, do we even visit from Chuck the Squirrel? Oh, well, I was going to surprise you, but I guess the squirrel, the rodentia is out of the the bag.

Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the tree directly in front of us. Please welcome our first guest today. It is your friend and mine Chuck the Squirrel it's just us clapping there's Chuck welcome you're looking fluffy you're looking well fed you are you look ready for winter or if that doesn't come to continue hunting. So thank you for making time. What's that? I like eating nuts. Chuck is out of a pitch again. I like eating nuts and storing nuts in my in my house. Okay, Chuck, get the fuck outta here. Thanks for taking the time.

That was Chuck Desquard, everybody. Need any, if you get it. What? Okay. We can't keep having him back on. I gotta be honest, even if he wants to be, like it's like pulling teeth over there. He's had a few ideas. We can be honest.

He's run out of stuff to talk about. And the first time he was on, he was chock-full of nuts. But now, I think he's just, it's mixed at Z-Spoint. It's, mm-hmm. His ideas are cash. Jude. Oh. My parasol!

Oh no, gotta keep it up, Gorgon! It's at the bad arm angle. I really should have used that bigger bone. We're gonna need a bigger bone. Speaking of bones, go on. We have another guest with us here today and they are a bone advocate. Now, you might be thinking like, what is that?

I also have that same question. So here to answer it is Frank Femre. Frank! Hello, so good to see you. Thank you so much for having me here today. I'm so appreciative. We're so happy you are here, Frank. So Frank, are you a bone?

Well, you know, I am made up of bones as many people are made up of bones, many things are made up of bones. And I think the big issue is when people believe that they have the right to take the bones of other things and use it for their own benefit. And that's what I'm here to speak on behalf of because honestly, it's just not appropriate. It's not funny. I'm not laughing. No one's laughing and it's not funny at all. It's not funny at all. Okay, well you are laughing, but you shouldn't be laughing. It's not funny.

Now, I see your point, of course. Now, but if you are going to take burns away from us as use in a utilitarian form, I would ask what you have as a bone substitute. Oh, good. The way that I feel about any object whether bone or otherwise is before you take it you need to ask permission. So you need to go up to that item and say, are you comfortable with me using you for something I want to do? And honestly, if you ask and you listen,

very carefully, you'll hear the answer. But what people have, what happened all the time, and I'm sure that you know this, did you ask? Did you ask for that perch? Did you ask for that holder on that umbrella? Did you ask? No, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, they asked for it.

They asked for it, those goddamn mice, they've got the mice. That's it for it. This is a great point, Deb. If you don't ask, but they ask for it, does that count as you asking for it? Ask not what your bones can do for you. Now, I recognize that quote.

That quote is from the 55th president of the forest, John on Kenodoof. And John on Kenodoof. John on Kenodoof. And that was in his speech, not long after he gave a speech, declaring that they were going to put a man on the moon and split it in half and It's the time at the time there was the agency that was in charge of such celestial endeavors

Had no plans to do anything of that nature. So when he said the Basie end of these forest forest cycle We will put that's not what he, let me see if I can do his voice. Well, this should be a journey. At the end of this forest cycle, we will put a man on the moon and split it in half. And everybody was very surprised.

And unfortunately, for us, it it worked but fortunately for him and his policy making it worked. Right. We call that a win-win. We call that right. We call that a win-win because not every win has to be fortunate. So I guess to your point Frank, no I didn't ask and no I didn't listen but I am willing to yeah you got a phone before your bone right thank you thank you that is what we

have always been saying from the beginning you have to phone before you bone and I appreciate you saying it and it's not just about the words it's also about the actions. Where do you stand on well bones? On well bones? Yeah. I think that if there's a bone in a well, then you have to leave the person in that well for two weeks to figure out what to do with it, and then either they die or they can decide if they want to come out. Thank you. Those two weeks she's got another week. She's got another week. Leave her down there and let her figure it out. Now, I hope that girl, that's a dumb girl, right? She's a dumb girl.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's stupid little girl. That's a different situation. So look, a stupid girl. Just because you're a kid, that's a mean you shouldn't know not to phone Zanna well. No, no. Let's all remember everybody out there listening

to Good After Foon. Remember to phone before you phone this holiday season or any season for that matter. And I see Frank to remind us all of this, you have brought some merch. There are some fun t-shirts here that say phone before you bone. And these come in sizes from, I see they are from brownie to undying creature at the edges of reality.

So that's fun. Thank you for thinking of our sides. Thank you. And there's also come in these fun mugs. Now I have blood. I have blood in this mug right now. Do I have to, I don't have to ask blood if I want to drink it before I drink it, right?

I can just, okay, great, okay. Then down the hatch, I'll be using my phone before the bone mug and I'll be using my phone before you, Bone Mug. And I'll be thanking you for giving me this, this great gift. Thank you so much. And these giant foam bones too. I got them on both my wings. I got two wings sticking straight up in these foam bones. There's also for anybody who interested, there's been, there's some metal, there's some chrome bones here that are super fun See are also you can use these as if if you have a server you can use Google bone

Which is just a bone with a thousand zeros after it It's it that's just really to annoy people who do math You've really thought of everything so we really appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you It's half about the message, half about the merch. I've always said that. That it frames the femur, everyone. Once and a half. Actually applause.

People know we are the applause, and they do. Thank you. Thank you so much. I keep my parasol in the crock of my neck so I can applaud. Thank you so much. Are you trying to just rub it in now? The parasol. Thank you so much, frames, the femur. Thank you so much. Are you trying to just rub it in now? The person will.

Thank you so much, Frank. Thank you, Frank. Thank you, Frank. What the treated was to have him on. Now, Frank is going to stand awkwardly off to the side while our next guest gets ready. And that is, no, not you Chuck. No, no, no, no.

Please, God knows. Unless you have something else besides not to talk about, you're not going to get any airtime. Name? Is. Leaves. Leaves? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You know what, Koryvath, you are a gift to me. You are a gift and every day is a gift, in which is why I want to take a quick moment to talk about some hot gifts this season, a gift for every occasion. I say gifs. I say gifs. You say gifs? I say gifs. You say gifs?

I say gifs. I say, I sometimes say gift, and I sometimes say gaffed. Oh, that's fun. Sometimes it's a JPEG. JPEG? Yeah, I get confused. What's is an Umbab? Is that a unit of measurement?

Yeah, how many Umbab. Yep, how many Oombops in a jet peg? Once that's, once that's the question, Sarv, then the sun becomes blood. I'm pretty sure it's a quibi. Is it? Oh, okay, yeah. And that's just, that's just 10 minutes that you'll never get back.

But there's a lot of those. Yes, exactly. Crypto? No. Chuck. Absolutely not. No, Chuck. Absolutely not. No, Chuck. I would rather you come on and talk about nuts and leaves than talking about crypto, which is just it's just I already know. Okay, you know what Chuck? Come on in. Yeah. What's crypto? I it's a place where you sleep Get the fuck away from me. Get a fuck out of here. You're staying next to Frank.

Oh my God. Show kind of foam bone. You are saying that you are having some gift ideas. Oh, just trying to think, because sometimes it is so hard to think of what to get for someone, you know, that special person in your life. And I thought that we could showcase and go back and forth and think of some fun gifts.

So I have a Google in my life that I adore, thank you. Just one of my best Google friends. And I'm thinking what would they want? What is a perfect gift for a Google? And I'll tell you what it is, it's a pineapple. Okay, I did not see that coming. And maybe that's me for having preconceived notions about ghouls, but I have to know how you came to the conclusions that's the best thing for your ghoul. What's a pineapple?

So ghouls are often misunderstood and so is a pineapple, but also a pineapple is a symbol of welcoming. So, to kind of like most ghouls feel unwelcome, they kind of haunt about. But if you bring a pineapple, you're showing that like a little bit of prickliness, a little bit of sweetness inside, you're welcome in my home and then we make smoothies together. So it's a little of an invitation to spend some time together with your Google. That's wonderful because you can welcome them in. Usually they're skulking about a cemetery or like a spooky mansion.

They might be hunting in an alley looking for a, sometimes victims, sometimes companionship. So to extend them a pineapple, something that represents them, as well as anything else, I think, the prickly but inside, maybe a sweet center, I think is a wonderful gift. I was also thinking of a gift to get someone in my life. And I know many gargoyles. As if, okay, so for those of you who are not familiar with the gargoyle, think of an angel, but like cool. And that's a gargoyle because it's a cool angel. There's no halo, there's no, they don't want to talk to you about spirituality.

They're just basically made of leather and they got big wings and fangs, but not like vampire fangs like gargoyles fangs. So what do you get the gargoyles that has everything? I ask myself. And that answer is always meat. Any meat doesn't matter. You can get it off the floor. You can hand it to them raw, you can cook it,

you can eat, it can be alive, it can no longer be alive, as long as you have, as long as you see it is in the quantity of big hooks, then you're going to make a gargoyle a very happy thing that turns into stone during the daytime. That's wonderful. That's wonderful and I'm so glad that you're taking such good care of your gargoyles in your life.

When we're in tonight, we who walk the night kingdom. Although, you know, I am a day hour, you know me. I'm up with the moon. It's because you're such a hoot. Come on, get my parason. I have to find a way. Excuse me. Frank, do you have any bones that I can affix to this hippograph hip?

I'm not going to stop it! I was asking so that I can ask the bone if I can utilize it for a longer... I don't know. I don't know if you were making fun of me. I would never. I guess the only guest I make fun of is Chuck. You were kind of making fun of that girl in the well. She's not a guest. She's not a gas.

She's not a gas. Unless did we book her? Not yet. Not until she gets out of that goddamn well. That's why she has to earn her place. I'm good after food. She can't just stay down there and hope we show up to her.

If she climbs out of that well, drags her body to this forest. I will consider having her on as a guest. And it has to be the first thing she does. No water, no food. I don't want her to talk to her family. I don't want her to thank her rescuers if there are any. I want her to get over the lip of that well and crawl to me like a ghost. If you can hear us. If she needs water after coming out of that well, that's ridiculous. That's a great point. That's a great point. That's a great point.

That's true. Good point. That is a great point. And the one thing she's got is water. That's the one thing I mean, come on. And she must, she'd be sick of it by that point. I think if anything, she'd be hydrophobic. So everyone, remember those things.

We have pineapple. The best thing is for gifts this season. And I think honestly any season pineapple is in meat. Mm hmm. And of course I will say go ahead. I will also say yeah. No, I wanted to also mention that the the dual function of the pineapple as well. It's a theme. I can't help it. Is the fact that if your ghoul turns bad, you can cut open the pineapple and use the enzymes in it to dissolve your ghoul.

That's helpful. That's very helpful. That is a little bit of an afterlife hack. So there you go. That's the acid. So the skip this art and skip the effect and just go right to the acid. Mm-hmm. So, and we also want to remind everybody

as they're the D.T.S episode of Good After Foon is sponsored by the Pineapples and Meat Council. Two great tastes that you really only have on vacation. Pineapples and meat. It's my favorite pizza toppings. Oh my God, my face is so... Oh my God, everything you say is infuriating. I try not to...

We're live, Chuck. Chuck, we are live. I know. You sort of a bitch. It's the only thing about me that's live. I'm a vampire. Oh, what a crap. Our next guest is someone who is concerned,

not just about gift giving and bone etiquette, but also the general safety of the people of this general region. If you're to talk to you about an issue that is near and dear to his heart, much like the rib cage is close to the heart. See that as a transition uniting Frank the Femers, bone interests, and this current segue into a guest introduction. The next one is injaming it all of it out loud. I read it off this index card that I wrote and then I forgot to put it in parentheticals that told me not to read it. Anyway, I've crumpled it up, throw it on the ground, because I don't care about the leader.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome local peace officer Constable Valor. Thank you for having me. Yay! Thank you for having me. I'm here today to talk about an issue that's very close to my heart. You see it in a red cage?

Ah! Who knew it would come back so soon? Initiates very close to my heart. You see in Who knew it would come back so soon. I should have left it by that couldn't resist in my my small town Dimble Shire we've had a a rash of Griffin attacks So I felt it was my duty as a constable to do something about it. So I've been talking to all the youths in town and letting them know that how to act properly and safely around

Griffins to make sure that they are not hurting anyway. And we're starting a program. We're going to start taking it from town to town. And it's called no you Gryffin. And that way people know how not to behave around griffin. So it's a little plan words to help them remember. So you know, is that one of the tricks is to just say no to the griffin? Is that one of the things that you're recommending?

I do recommend starting by trying to have a conversation with the griffin. I do recommend starting by trying to have a conversation with the Griffin. For those who don't know, a Griffin has a lion's body and an eagle's head. But some Griffins have their two front legs. Sometimes they're lions legs, and sometimes they're the talons of a giant eagle as well. So you're dealing with different kinds of griffins. And it's really important that you open a dialogue first. Now most likely, they're going to look at you with their terrifying, beady eyes and decide to eat you anyway.

So at that point, I highly recommend that you get as small as you can. That means put your, put any extremities, kind of ball up, get down small as you can. That means put your any extremities kind of ball up, get down on the ground here, I can demonstrate for you right now, just ball up like this. Can everyone see me? Yeah, he's what barely because you're so small and you're so close to the ground. Okay, great. Yeah, so if you just form a ball with your own body, you're less likely to be eaten alive by a griffin. So you know, I find that surprising, because I, you know, from the, I am not the expert. I mean, I am a falcon, but a very different,

a bird of a different talent. But I see that, and immediately my falcon sense says, mm, nugget. Oh, yeah. Well, see, Deb, here's the thing about Griffins. They tend to sense movement. So Deb, thank you for bringing that up. Now, if you are moving your wing,

uh, flapping it up and down, they might bite at that wing, where you tuck it in close to your body. They're like, well, that's just a rock. And they might even say that out loud. Sometimes you'll hear Griffins walking around going, that's a rock, that's just a rock. And they might even say that out loud. Sometimes you'll hear Gryffinds walk around going, that's a rock. That's a rock. Everything around me is rocks.

And then some moves and they try to eat it. So oh, this is a very food motivated, but they are fooled by spherical, at spherical presentation. Yes, being very still is also helpful. And they also like to announce everything that they see all the time. They go, there's a stream, there's a rock, that's a rock, that's a human-shaped rock, that's a mouse-shaped rock.

And then as soon as that mouse moves, they'll help the goblet ride down. So you've got to remember the three rules. Try to open a dialogue as small as you can. And if those things don't work, cast an ice spell. Oh, okay. Oh. Is there a, now are they particularly susceptible to ice spells as opposed to a fire spell,

a lightning spell, an eldritch spell, blood magic, I have a particular interest in that one. Matt, Matt has some necromancy or dark arts that call it upon undying beings on the edges of reality. Or is it tapping on? Can you just tap them? Could you give them a zip? Yeah, you can, you can zip them, you can use fire and ill-drich and all that

kind of magic like you're saying. And I hear what you're saying. But the ice is a sure fire. Some griffins are gonna be able to breathe fire and they're not gonna care that you hit them with fire spell cause they're immune to that. Oh sure. But if you fire ice at a griffin and not at the griffin,

but directly in front of or beneath the griffin, they'll slide right away. And as soon as you're out, if they slide away, and if you're out of their immediate field of vision, they're just going to go, oh, I guess that rock got away. Ah, so it's not even freezing them as an active physical repellent. It is tricking them so that they do not see you. Their attacks are based on visual acuity. Exactly. So it's about putting a distance between yourself and the Griffin. And that's why I started, no, you Griffin. That way people remember one, hoping a dialogue. Two, get as small as you can. And if they start pecking at you, even when you're as small as you can,

just shoot some ice underneath them. So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. If you feel that you are in an area that is particularly susceptible to griffin attacks or griffin related environments, and you need to get those three steps sharpened up like the talents of your aggressors Look into some classes that help you to communicate better Start to find ways to shrink your body whether it be permanently or in a temporary basis And then of course learn some magic learn to go that fucking learn something go figure out how to do some some

like learn something, go figure out how to do some cryomancy. And if you're a particularly stupid little girl, I recommend just hiding at the bottom of a well. Got it. We've got good news for you. Yeah, well, there's one person who's super safe and she's a, she's the county dumbass. I have a question, what is attracting these griffins? What can we be doing?

Like prevention seems like also maybe the negative one step here that we're not talking about. You know? Is it bones? Is it like, friends? Is it all our bones? Is it the friends bones? Yeah, it is the bones. And then kind of bone.

Yeah, in my town, a lot of people eat their food and then throw their bones out onto the ground. I'm really sorry to admit that Frank, but you know, it is ridiculous. And we've tried to curtail the bones being thrown out the windows, but people are like, it's, it's our tradition. It's what we've all, it's the way we've all was done. And then you, it's very difficult to change those mindsets when people assume they've, they've lived that way their whole lives, you know? Yeah, they they they subscribe by bone apathy

Absolutely, where I was raised before I was turned to the darkness of the Night Kingdom We were also very loose goose as it were with bones and often when we were done eating our meats we would throw the ground the bones on the grounds of various dark doorways and thieves dens, which were also located where many choirs and musical groups were assembled. So there was one part of my particular city that was known for bones, thugs and harmony. Hmm. Was it near the crossroads? I see you there.

Good. You won't be learning. I miss my uncle Charles. We all miss our uncle Charles. This segment has been brought to you by mulch. Mulch! What if trees were mushing and smelled bad okay corvath sorry I just thought about what mulch is just just fucking mushy trees

that's why I'm just mushy trees sorry. I'm sorry, but we're not, our segment isn't going to get bumped again, is it? No. No, I guess not. We need to talk about our girl. We need to talk about our girl. Look, my name is Sikki. You want to get Chuck back out? Yeah, maybe he wants to talk more about the crypto.

Or maybe he's wearing a T-shirt that says NFNT on it. And he seems really excited about it. I had a crypto once, and let me tell you, having an orgasm under a church is not fun. Well, I mean, in theory, it doesn't sound like would be that bad, but I would thank your word for it. In fact, it was the night that our baby girl was actually conceived.

Okay, I guess we'll have to introduce you because you're really forcing yourself in here, but we have some... We have some... I'm sorry, we're conception starting. We've been bumped for the last four days, so I'm sorry, but we have to get our message out there. Great. The parents of baby Jessabeth that is falling in the well. So please, let's welcome the parents of the dumb girl. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm Cynthia PowerGrab. Boo! Thank you. And we just want to say, all we ask is please, leave her in the well for one more week. We just ask that you please not take her out of the well And we've been trying to come on here to make that announcement please Why you try to get her out of the well

What are you trying to get out of the well? This is a good after-fearing exclusive our assumptions that the parents wanted their kid out of the well unfounded Now while tons of us we shouldn't have bumped them. There were more interesting than I thought. Now, we hear at the Good After Foon, advocate for this dumb baby to educate herself in the ways of solving her own problems, and get out of the well under her own recounting sounds. Why do you want your little girl to stay in the well under her on the recount their songs. Why? Do you want your little girl to stay in the well?

Okay. Okay. So you have to answer. I'm sorry. It's really if you don't answer my question. Yeah, that's interview etiquette. So sorry. Well, that's going to like turn into a bat and fly away or anything.

The thing is, okay, that we believe she's happier down there. And we're also happier's happier down there. And we're also happier with her down there. Isn't that right, sweetie? Yes, when you have a baby, you have this impression that you're going to want to spend every living waking moment with that child, and I know that you wouldn't necessarily understand that as a vampire.

I can't have kids. Yes. And I guess from our point of view, it's just we need a break. We need a break. And if there's, if it's a, if it's a well, if it's her getting lost, if it's her running away, we don't actually care. We just need a little time to ourselves to refine what we had initially with each other. This just in coming just in. I have to say we've gotten a report from the sky that the baby's hand has come out of the well. The baby is grasping. Lift a finger.

One finger. If you've lift up one finger at a time, one, two, three, four, just lift each finger and then the rest of the hand will drop. You don't have to even pull it up. Oh, shit. Somebody did that. Somebody lifted all the fingers

and the baby dropped back down into the well. When the county workers heard you and say, they took the baby's fingers off their wall and let it fall. And they're getting time in a half, so they don't want that thing to come out. Thank you. Thank you so much. Ugh. We can finally go on that trip to me, Goss, that we've always talked about.

Yes, yes. I love you. I love you too. Again, all we ask is don't bring our baby back home. Please, Jessabeth, whatever you do, know that we're thinking about you and how far away you are. And hoping that you stay that far away. A heartwarming message from the parents of Jesse Beth, a dumb girl who almost got out of the well, but then to the power of parental, some of my dark-y self-fishing-ness was thrown back in.

Folks, I have to say this has been one of my favorite episodes of good after films that we have ever done. We've learned a lot today about bone consent. We've learned about grief and safety. We hate to chuck. And we figured out that people need some time to themselves. Even when they have a little person that is a child studies just the waddling around and you know remind me next time I forgot to ask Frank if it is safer if you cover the bone before you grab it. Oh We should yeah, we should and we'll have we'll have Frank back

So folks look forward to that. We got to have Frank back to see if we should cover up the bone before whether it's a busy bone or a crazy bone or any of the bones that may be a bone drawn by Jeff Smith. We will all know that we will eventually have all of your bone related information. So that's, it takes, so it takes again again everybody for tuning in or walking by while we were doing good after phone. I'm Corvaz, the unknowable.

I'm Deb Falcon and this is Ben in Good After Food. There! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo!

Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo!

Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! Foooo! You sure won't hear anything like that on the main feed. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patreon supporters get two new bonus episodes like this one each month and a bunch are already

waiting there for you like one where Flower talks to her cousin, also named Flower, a Yusudor and Spintax holiday special and Arnie Chatton usador exploring their friendship via slambuks. You also get ad-free versions of the main show including current episodes and all the back catalog, and most of the previous spin-off series are on the Patreon now too. Earth games, all three seasons of offices and bosses, I am spin-tax, there are a lot of them like there's more than 80 episodes on there. And in the next couple months, usador's fetch' Quest, Hay Tavern Tavern, and Season

2 of Masters of Mayhem are coming to the Patreon to complete the set. Before you know it, Patreon will be the one-stop shop for everything Magic Tavern, and that's all in addition to the two new bonus episodes added every single month. Plus, you get intros with a pleasantly light narrative thread starring me and PV3. To learn more and become a patron, visit patreon.com slash magic tab. All right credits. Deb Falcon was played by Brooke Bright. Core Vatian Noble was played by Kevin Serreta.

Kevin was a writer on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, season 13. The new season and classic episodes are available at www.gizmoplex.com. Frank Femre and Ricky Powergrab, Lohelin, were played by Becca Barish, followed back on Twitter at Becca Barish. Chuck the Squirrel, Constable Valor, and Cynthia Powergrab were played by Matt Young,

special appearance by Shubelpant's The Demon as himself. This episode was produced by Matt Young, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, special assistance by Ryan D'Georgi. This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz, logo by Albert LeBond. We'll be back again next week with a regular show, but who knows when bootleg Craig might appear again? I mean, I don't. No one does, really.

I mean, that's sort of the point. If you want to hear the episode, you should just go join the Patreon. Bye. you