Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 11 - Surveillance Spider (w/ Cory Doctorow)

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

The Dark Lord may be spying on the people of Foon, and we've got one of his surveillance spiders in the tavern, ready to tell the tale.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSigent the Spider: Cory DoctorowMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex

collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early and ad-free, on Wondery Plus. Hello, faithful audience for whom television is just too much information at once. The following audio experience is one big lie. The characters are threadbare, continuity is meh, and years long for Shadowed Events will leave you saying, really? So save your emotional investment for S-Town, and enjoy this as the meandering diversion it's meant to be.

Hey, you're out of your charting array. That's right Craig and I have new information about the dimensional portal that I'll share after 38 to 41 minutes of unbearable tension. In the meantime, enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. About two years and three months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the dork, by the dork lord, the dork lord. That's a shot. Oh no. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the dork lord who has imprisoned the Townahog's

face and is forcing me and my co-captives to continue to do this podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermillion Minotaur, in the prison Townahog's face, in the land of phone. And I'm joined, as always, by my buddies, my co-hosts, my co-captives, Chant, one of the guards. I keep wanting to call you King of the Badgers, but now you are one of the guards. I'm one of the guards, I'm also still King of the Badger. Oh, you're King of the Badger, just King of yourself.

Yeah, so underneath my guard cap, if you see, I do have my crown. There's still a little crown under there. You are a Badger of many hats. Thank you so much. Yeah. Shaped shifter of many hats. You are many things, you're too many things to introduce.

A best friend. Best friend. A shape shifter. You from the guard. From now on, I'm just gonna introduce you as a real scamp friend. A friend. I like that. But also, almost as good a friend. Is my other co-captive and co-host, Yusador.

I am Yusador. Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Manipulator of metal lights. Devour of chaos, champion of the great poles of Taroquets! The elves know me as fey and yalek thing, the dwarves know me as jounin' in whose stingies, and I am known in the northeast as guessmweeniest may start, and think but for a moment friends. I imagine your mind's eye, some other name of mine beginning to take shape, and then cast

it away. I brush away those letters and those runes before they fully form and turn your brain into pudding. How can you have your brain turn into pudding if you haven't eaten any meat? You ever think about that? I never have thought about that. Yeah, you will not get any brain pudding until you finish your brain meat.

That's what my dad, you saw, he said. He would say eat your meat or else your wizard might turn your brain into pudding. Oh gosh. Yeah. See, here's my thing, not being from this world. Is that something that parents just say to their children to scare them and get them to do things they want? Or is that something that happens? Well, it's both parents say that unto their children to keep them in line and to frighten them. I, but sometimes the wizard comes along and just chunge a brain into pudding and she can. Yeah, I could if I wanted to. and the other thing about parents and children is sometimes parents just don't understand

Yeah, and sometimes kids say the durned is things. It's true. Honestly like when I was a kid I just said the durned is things and sometimes a great notion There is a time when I would go to chun's night and I would invite children on to stage with me And I would try to just get them to say the craziest things What's the craziest things. What's the craziest thing a child said when you brought them up on stage? I shall murder you. Yeah.

And then he took out this enchanted dagger and tried it. He tried his pretty ears till he turned 18. Then he was an adult and it didn't matter anymore. Oh, sure. It was a kid. Oh, that was like, still trying to murder. Yeah. And then his adults say the most terrifying threatening thing. Yes.

He became terrifying when he turned 18. What was that kid's now adult name? A Samthon. Samthon. Yes, Samthon the Terrible. Samthon the Terrible. We used to see Samthon the child. Sure.

But then he learned a reputation for tried to murder wizards. Well, particularly me. It could be a nondescript child if, if that's your nickname, the child. Yes, well, yes, he was towheaded, sort of, you know, run of the mill kid honestly. Sure. And I used to tell him that all the time, I'm like, you're just an average kid, you're not going to kill me. Well, I think that probably just pushed him towards it more. Yes, I see that now. Guys, I just want to say, real quick, I'm so excited, John, that you've gotten in better with the guards.

So they've been a little more lax about who's in to say, real quick, I'm so excited, John, that you've gotten in better with the guards, so they've been a little more lax about who's in the room, because I have got a great guest that I don't want any of the minions of the Dark Lord to hear about. You know, we're being forced into this podcast. You like to us. You like to us. What's that? You said I'm going to say this real quick. Oh, yeah, guys, I'm going to say this,

and it's going to take a little while. Okay, thank you you. Better. We've been we're being forced by the Dark Lord to do this podcast so that he can study the fact that it goes to my world earth but at the same time let's use the podcast to find ways to undermine and defeat the Dark Lord and I have a guest that's got some dirt on what the Dark Lord is up to right now. It's gonna crack this story wide open. Oh, that's why I'm staying in myself, pretending to be a feeble old man who still sick from the potions that they feed me, even though I've begun to regain mine powers. I've come here to learn all the secrets. I share these secrets with me on, I'll bring this guest forth. Okay, guys, you wouldn't believe it. The guest is already at the table.

What? It's a table? This very table is our guest. It's not this very table, although the table would tell. Oh my gosh. What one week people are, hello? It's the guest. I heard that.

Can we start if anyone has any resonant stones, we're just gonna stick those in the cold cellar and close the door. Oh no, mine have all been confiscated. Oh very good. Just as long as there's no resident, because sometimes you know you think they're off, but they're not off. They're still transmitting. Oh really? Yeah guys, this is

SIGINT, the five-eyed spider. Whoa. Yeah. Does surveillance for the dark lord? Well, I mean, I used to do surveillance for Albin Bellaroth, and I totally believed him when he said you know we'll just build up this giant surveillance web and we'll spy on everybody and we'll intercept all the calls on the resonant stones and nothing bad will happen because after me

there will certainly be another ruler just as wise and pleasant as i am and it's how it's out there wonderful what's he wonderful alban was a great king. What? And you know what, when you say Alban doing it, I'm like, okay, sure. Yeah, Al, like put Alban doing it, because what, you know, what is he gonna do with that information? Sure, I mean, it's not like power corrupts, right? No, no.

I have never known a story that involved power corrupting. Yeah, so, you know, the crypto-mancers we got together and we figured out how to bust open the resonance stones. We did a little, we did what we called a web, right? And we cast our web, like, like, is that the stuff was spider-spid-wab? Yeah, yeah. We made a web, right?

And then we had these web sites, and we would pull in all the data, and flies. And the, well, yeah, because the fight. You got it. Well, plus you would be amazed at the processing power of your commoner garden spot. Oh, yeah.

Oh, interesting. When they start those wings flapping, what you do is you anchor their feet so they really start to panic and the wings start to just go and go and go. We call that overclocking. Oh, yeah. You got to keep cool.

Oh, yes, yes. But, and you burn them out, but it's okay, because it's not like we have a shortage of flies, especially after the killing started. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, I thought Albaim Belaroth was being straight with us

when he said, what's the worst that could happen? We'll just figure out who everyone's friends are. We'll listen to them in their bedrooms, we'll listen to them in their chairs. I mean, think about all the places you take your resonance stone, right? Oh, sure. You got it with you in the bathroom,

you got it with you when you're killing people. You used it or don't take your resonance stone with you into the bathroom. Oh, sometimes I have to show you you used it or it takes his resonance to the bathroom. What if I do not take it with me into the commode and then something terrible to sneak in through the window and murder me as I do

Deplicate into that pot That's true. Yes, you have to be prepared by the way I wanted to compliment you on your wiping technique is very neat Thank you. That's something you learned at wizarding school. Yes Because a lot of people worry about going from front to back or from back to front And I decided to figure eights going from front to back or from back to front and I decided to figure eights. And you know he uses because wizards respect paper. He uses old corn cobs. That's right. Yes, yes. Gotta get in both those buttolls.

So second, I've got a question. So you tap into resonance stones so you can hear information of use that are going to the bathroom. Can you just tell wipe information just from the sound of it? Well, yeah, we call it echolocation. So we use very high-pitched tones that we send. You can't hear them, but we send them through the resonant stone and they bounce off the walls. And we build up a very detailed picture. We spiders, you know, we have very delicate senses.

Yeah. See, that's why I always, if I take a risen and sit on the bathroom with me, I put tape over it, just in case. Just in case. Doesn't work. Now, Chant, you know what? It doesn't work. Oh, no.

Oh, Chant, you're not, now that you're a God, you're not going to go and tell an off-friend here, are you? No, I'm, what I've been doing this whole time is every time you mention the Dark Lord in my head, I just say book club. That's true. And so it's all in the up and up. We call that a substitution cipher.

We crypto-mancers. Oh, you're a crypto-mancer. Oh, well, of course. I mean, how could I tap into the resonance? I mean, the resonance is a very primitive form of cryptography to disguise their messages, but you still do have to know the basics. You have to understand the RSA in order to puncture it.

What's RSA? Oh, that's the Royal Sorcerer's apprentice. He's the lad that they put in charge of coming up with crypto for the resonance stone. They wanted to make sure that there be a law enforcement back door and so we could listen in and it turned out that, of course, anyone who could impersonate law enforcement can listen. And you'd be amazed at all the people who are listening in.

We caught this whole group of them who called themselves wiki legs. These spiders who'd flunked out. And boy, we have been chasing them to the ends of the earth. They're in the kingdom of the west, the kingdom of the north, the kingdom of the south, and we just can't catch up with them. Do they ever spin dark webs? They do spin dark webs. You'd be amazed.

It is dreadful, the piracy that they get up to on those dark webs. So Arne, a dark web is when a spider will spin a web made of black silk, so that the light doesn't refract off of it, so you can't see it. So normally when you're walking, you see a spider web, you're like, oh, a spider web, but the dark webs you can't really see, it's very hard to get into. We really like it when it gets on people's faces, and they're like, web my face sure. Yeah. Yeah, it's the best thing about being a spider I mean there are many great things and a lot of times if you're walking by and you happen to find a dark web There's usually a little bit of morgue over there to be had oh

Really just put into the way you get more glow on Very high quality to real. Oh, yeah, super pure pharmaceutical. Wow. That's amazing So like what other cool stuff could I get in a dark web? Like, if I run into a web and I'm like, whoa, this is a dark web, what should I be grabbing for? Do you want to get someone killed? I mean, maybe, but I don't want anyone to know about it. Well, the dark web has certain anonymity features

that we let the wiki legs types believe we can't puncture. Sure. It's so dark in that web. You don't know who's in there. Although, of course, we just use this thing called adversarial stilometry. We just analyze the way that they talk and the way that they move and the pattern of their legs on the web.

And then we can figure out which spider is which. You should know if you're going to buy something or higher services off the dark web. What you have to do is take a gold coin. You have to bite it so that whoever uses it has an imprint of your mouth, and then you place it on the web. So once you bite into that coin. A previously Bitcoin? Yeah, you could call it a Bitcoin for sure.

You know, I keep going back and forth as to whether I should get into previously Bitcoin's. I guess it's too late to really start collecting previously Bitcoin's. I think you can mine them, right? Sometimes they're just in caves. You can use mine them. I was at the Crypto Mancers Academy when we created the first bitcoins. And those early bitcoins,

we would take thousands of them to buy just a single Spice Potato. Sure. These days, there were small fortunes. Oh wow. But people do just break it and steal them often as well. You know, you think your Bitcoin is safe. We use exchanges for them because you can't just trade a Bitcoin for a Spice Potato.

You have to go to the exchange where some people bring their Spice Potatoes, some people bring their Bitcoin. We leave them in the exchange for convenience and every now and again it turns out the exchange that's run by them. Well, it's a technical term among us. Scriptomancers are Muppet. And the Muppet just allows anyone to come in and take all the bitcoins out of the exchange. So like a Muppet.

Oh. Now he keeps reverency. Ruh. Spice potatoes for the, it's very difficult to get spices still. Yeah, because of the Spice embargo out of Mew. Mew. That's definitely something you can get on the dark web. Well, you can.

Yeah. The spice flows. The spice flows. Get my spicy potatoes. Yeah. That's my space. That's my space. That's my space. That's my space. Get my spicy potatoes. I've often got onto the dock web just to get spices. Adolidins.

And linens. Yes, some of you skipped some good deals out there too. Spider's been amazing linens. The thread counts. Just through the roof. I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I use it to get Adderall.

What's that? I use it to get Adderall. Have you not had that? I mean, maybe. It's a potion that helps you, well, you would love this. This is a potion that helps you with math. Oh, so if you have a ton of numbers in front of you, you take this potion and you can add them all up. Adderall up?

Yeah, I'm going to do 100% need that. This was what precipitated my decision to start talking to you all about what's been going on with the crypto-mancers and the Dark Lord is the Dark Lord, you know. Oh wait a second. This cool sounding thing that you started doing for King Albane is now being used by the Dark Lord. Oh, surely. I mean you but we don't like the Dark Lord. But as we say in the crypto-mancers academy, if you have a giant surveillance net on the Mental Peace and Act I,

a dark lord has to deploy it by Act III. I mean, this is a well-known justice to your list, right? That's right. That's right. I always check it off your list. If it's seen, you have to use it. That's right.

So what we discovered was that the dark lord had an entire army of frost giants, and you know they're not very bright, but he gives them a adderol so that they can do his sums for him, and he's secretly siphoning off the tribute that he takes from us, from the people of Foon, whom he has promised to trade our tribute for better infrastructure, road-building projects and so on, and he takes it and he siphons it off to his own personal accounts, and he uses the adder all to cover his tracks.

There was a prior king who tried the same scam, but one small gold coin at a time. Was that Richard? Yes, Richard. The prior king? Yes, the prior king. He was fucking filthy. That king would say anything. I mean, some of the things that King said, I was like, what?

But you know what? Like, maybe you didn't like what you heard from Richard the prior King, but they needed to be said. We used to save all that at the Crypto Mancer's Academy. We always made copies of the most entertaining intercepts for ourselves, obviously. Obviously. I mean, we could be trusted with it. Oh, sure. You know, back on Earth, when I was much younger, I worked in a one-hour photo lab and people would always just make copies of the most interesting pictures and put them in a drawer. That's, that sounds terrible. You shouldn't do that. No, you should put them on a bulletin board like we did. Oh, put them someplace where more people could see them.

Well, I mean, just, you know, your colleagues, right? What's the point of putting them in a drawer if you can't share them with your colleagues and laugh at them? That's true. What are some of the funniest pictures you copied? You know, this was in Ohio, so most of the pictures were just cool trucks. True story. And what is a cool truck?

Oh god, I don't want to talk about it. Oh, this brings us to another segment of Arnie Answers. What's a cool truck, Arnie? A cool truck would be like a big purple truck with... But what is a truck? Oh boy, that's gonna take a lot longer to explain. You know what, here, let's do this. Let's take a break and refresh our drinks

and I'll tell you guys everything about a truck, like how it works, technologically, how combustion works, all that. Finally, trucks. Do trucks have nuts? So anyway, that's a pretty accurate and in-depth explanation of how trucks work. I agree with you Arnold, it sounds bitchy!

This is Yusudor. This is Chuck! And we're getting nuts! Trucks nuts! Oh, that's a good idea. Sorry, it wasn't following that. Just be like nuts you eat on a truck. Oh, hum.

Almonds. Can I just... It's always almonds! I like almonds. You know your description of a truck was just you saying the word truck like 40 times But you guys get what I meant I did I also made no I like almonds. I was like room room room And you said there's something known as a monster truck. What is oh? Should I encounter this monster don't make me take another break? I would take out mine sword and mine staff

If you're available to me, and I would slay this monster truck rip out mine sword and mine staff if we were available to me And I would slay this monster truck rip out its heart and take all of its gold All right, look you can have that battle, but let's do it on Sunday Sunday Sunday. Yes Yes, yes, but singing why we have you here I know we don't have a whole lot of time because the dark words minions could come in here at any moment Is there anything we can do to stop this? Well, you need to know how to keep your communications secret. And the problem is that most of the advice that you get, like when the traveling junglers come through with their puppet shows about why is use of resonance stones,

it's what we call security theater. It's just a show about how to keep a secret. None of it's very good advice. But I'm here to tell you that there is very, very good cryptocurrency that anyone can use. It's PGP. PGP?

Yeah, Pixie Goblin Privacy. The Pixies and the Goblins, you get one Pixie at one end, you get a Goblin at the other end, and you know when you put a Pixie and a Goblin together, fellas, you know, you're better than a Goblin. You get what a show. And so you whisper in the Goblins here, and the Pixie knows, and then you whisper in the Pixies here, and the Goblin together, fellas. You know what I'm saying? You're gonna be on the show. And so you whisper in the Goblins here, and the Pixie knows, and you whisper in the Pixie's here, and the Goblin knows, but nobody knows, apart from the Pixie and the Goblin, what

happens between a Pixie and a Goblin stays between a Pixie and a Goblin? They're perfectly matched. For they are so fundamentally different, yet able to communicate with one another, that someone who comes along and gets one half of the message from the goblin, one half message from Pixie, isn't going to be able to draw on the side of it. And speaking even as an arachnoid, I have to say that it's pretty hot. Yes, very hot. Oh, can you say that again?

It's what? Pretty hot. I like the way he says hot. I'm going to start doing that. Hot. Hot. Hot. Nice.

And as a spider, we like to spell hot with a four. start doing that. Hott. Hott. Hott. Nice. And as a spider, we like to spell Hott with a four, H4 WT. We have our own middle code once. That is Hott. Now, I primarily communicate through birds, which is not traditionally a very secure way of communicating. Anyone can capture a bird, anyone can trick a bird into telling it what you told it, just by coaxing it with bird seed

or threatening its family. But what I've started to do is I scramble the bird's brain. And then the person I send the message who knows how to unscramble the brain. When you say scrambled, is that like pudding? Yes, a little bit. Yusner, have you ever thought using a burner bird? I did think about using a fenix.

A fenix. A fenix. A fenix. Yes, because you send it and then when it gets there, it goes, it's called. What you want to do is speaking to someone who's an expert in aviation operational security, is you want to find not the common bird,

a bird that almost no one's ever heard of, a very, very rare bird, an obscure bird, because that way you can practice security through obscurity, and that is the finest security we have. Yes, I shall begin using pelicans. Now, I mostly communicate by recording a weekly podcast here on the tavern, the familiar minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Fumio. Yes, me too. And sending it through a dimensional rift to another world and then I don't really know what happens to it there. How do you say that is that secure?

No, I think that you should probably assume that the Dark Lord is a man in the middling, as we say, in crypto-mancer circles. That means that he stands in the middle of a field. And while your podcast comes along anytime, you've got a particularly funny joke. He just shouts something not very funny over top of it. So the people who hear it, they think that the jokes are terrible.

What? Yeah. Well luckily, this whole thing is very serious. And they're very good jokes. Yeah. Yes. Because there are way we can get him from being, from man in the middleing to man in the mirroring.

And so he can look at himself and make a change. Yeah, a change is ways. I was thinking the exact same thing, honestly. If we're gonna make the world a better place, we gotta look at yourself and make a change. Yeah, except for him. Except I want him to look at himself. We're doing everything we're doing is great. We're doing amazing.

It sounds like it sounds like maybe you've practiced CBT. CBT. Yes. Maybe in maybe you've practiced CBT. CBT. Yes. Maybe in college. What's CBT? CBT stands for Crackin' Butt Tuff. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, you've practiced. You ever heard that before? Yeah, Crackin' Butt Tuff. Yeah. When something is butt tough and you crack it, it means you're making progress. Yeah, if you really want to make a behavioral change, you gotta start with your butt. You've got to start with your butt.

You've got to crack down. And the first place you crack down is that big fat ass. Yeah, it's true. What? What? With a four. Well, saying it, thank you so much. I know you have to leave because the Dark Lord's minions could show up at any time.

Oh, yes. In fact, my understanding based on my trip trip wires is that they're nearly upon us, so I'm going to be off now. Actually, I mean, I know you're gonna leave, but also, guys, didn't you look at the windows? It's snowing, and I don't know if we can even open the front door. I think that we're snowed in.

Yeah. Oh, no. Thing where's no dent? We're snowing. Luckily, as a spider, I can go through the cracks in the ceiling. Good, good, good. That's usually where I go when I'm dangling over your mouth while you sleep.

We hope to hear from you again soon. I think I eat three to five of you a year. You know, my children, the ones who survived, they've acquired a kind of hardiness. So thank you because you've given us a robustness that we use as we walk our webs and our web sites. Oh, look at him climb up his own with a web. Oh, six to see. See you. Goodbye.

Holy, he wrote something in his web. Some pig. Some pig. I've lost a lot of weight. I'm doing, I this rude. I've lost a good amount of weight. Sing it. God damn it.

Well, you know what? I hope next time he comes back, we can get him to tell us about some of the other spiders that are spying on stuff. Oh yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of charlatans a lot. Yeah, exactly. And also, you know, we just really, it's been too long since we've had someone finger a spider on this. Oh yeah, we should have asked for his consent. We probably should also charge money for people who see Arnie's standard of the sign. So ends another visit to a richly textured world populated with nuance characters and interconnected details. For those of you wishing to be trapped in an elevator with three grown men trying to out-joke each other.

Alongside an innocent stranger, go ahead and check that off your bucket list. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. He's yelling again. Oh, it's like when Maui gets his hook back at the end of Moana. After we find out the lava monster was just female rage personified. Shunt the shape-shifting badger was played by Adolfi. Is it true Adolf stores his ability to undercut any joke in his beard? I'll never tell.

Signate the spider was played by special guest Corey Doctoro. Corey Doctoro is the author of the new novel Walk Away. Check out the DRM-free audiobook, read by Will Wheaton, Amber Benson, Amanda Palmer, and others on deserving of specific mention at crapphound.com, Downpour, or your favorite DRM-free audiobook repository. So what did you learn from the charting array? Oh, Craig, it's a whopper. Of course, every dimensional tear leaves a signature of where it originated.

Days of analysis revealed that this one came from the perfectly cube-shaped Lugana Snebula. You mean? That's right. Home of the Bunker Guardian High Council. This was an inside job. Our course is clear. I'll investigate further, while you do the part of the credits that no longer interest me.

Wow, this is big stuff. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allered LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for the Chicago podcast, co-op, and thanks to Ear Wolf.

Wow, I can't believe the startling revelation there, but I don't have anything else to say about it here. So, um, okay, bye! You