Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 17 - Crazy Jared

Episode Date: July 10, 2017

Lots of things are changing in the tavern. But can Blemish ever change?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenBlemish:Martin WilsonPrincess Trachea-Aurelia Belaroth: Megan O’NeillBenedict Whisperbrew: Brendan DowlingMetanoid: Jorin GarguiloBungaree Chubbins: Tom GottleibMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You have been warned, the following podcast is not real. It is not the hard-hitting audio documentary about the existence of other worlds so many of you believe it to be. Go about your daily business. And now, just do it. I just don't like doing the show enough. He's not here, so we just have to do it. All right, hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arne E. Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on. About two years and four or five months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord, who has imprisoned me and my co-hosts, are forcing us to continue to do this podcast, which we record every week here in the tabern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogg's face, in the land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my co-host, Yusidor.

I am Yusidor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fecesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of truce, the elves know me as Fianyalak, the dwarves know me as Sounen and Hook Stinges, and I have known in the Northeast. As guess where you smithstar are! And there may be other secret names you do not know yet. So, I don't know. How you doing, Yves Sator?

I am very well. How are you all? I mean, I'm doing relatively good. I'm still really... Uh-oh, can we... I'm mad at you about something. And, uh, but I am also kind of attracted to you. What? Is that anything? No.

I get it. I know. It's just weird that Chun's not here. He's usually here to do the podcast with us. And he knows we do it at this time every week. I don't know why he's not here. I don't know either. But this flamingo's here. It has weird dumb looking flamingos sitting there.

Hey, Chun. Wow! Chun? Yeah, it's me. Chun, you're a flamingo. I'm a flamingo. You're a dumb looking flamingo. Come on.

You've been sitting here for like three hours. Why didn't you say anything? Because I'm in bears because, you know, obviously some magic was used on me because there's some sort of dry spell on me. But I finally had sex and I changed. And I didn't want to become a big thing. So I thought to just listen.

This is our fault. I didn't look at your hat before. Yeah, I'm cool. You are wearing the same hats. And look, let me put up my legs. There's my tattoos right there Oh I hate yeah, well my my apologies. I thought you weren't here

No, it's totally fine. It's totally fine But yes, I did meet someone who happens to be a flamingo. Yeah, her name is Florence and As a guard again, I get invited to a lot of things around town I was invited to a suaray and at the suar, they were playing croquet with using flamingos as mallets and I said, hey, put her down, knock it off and she was very impressed and you know, from there. Wow. What a heroic act.

Yeah, but she was a little weird. To impress her further, she ordered me to eat dog poop. This pink flamingo was like, eat some dog shit and I was like, what? She goes eat it and say it's divine and I was like, eat some dog shit. And I was like, what? She goes eat it and say it's divine. And I was like, I don't wanna do it. Yeah. But did you?

I don't wanna talk about it. I wanna talk about shit stuff. That's a yes. How are you guys doing? Oh, sorry, my wings knocked over a glass. How are you guys doing? Well, probably at the time you were at your party, they put me back in my drawer, where I laid in my drawer.

I'm sorry, I feel so bad. I wish I could have gotten some guest passes for the Sware. It was incredible. There was Flamingo Head Croquet. There was- Which you're against. Which I am absolutely against. Yes.

There was all kinds of hors d'oeuvres. There was rocking horse people eating marshmallow pies. Wow. And of course, Henry the horse, danced the Waltz. Henry the horse, danced the Waltz? It was incredible. It was like a circus.

It was amazing. I just laid in my drawer and pictured myself in a boat on a river. Wow. That's so sad. Why not just picture yourself in the sky? That would be more fanciful. Hey, tonight.

Here I snuck you guys some marshmallow pies. And we just get inside my beak here Those have just been in your beak all this time. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm gonna pass. Oh, thank you. Is it because I eat duck soup? Yes, yes, all right. I don't ever say I guess beggars can be cheezers. Yeah. Hello rise No, the bad. How hard is the week on bad? Who used to be a wizard? Yes, I don't try to cheer me up. Well, I will sit at your table. You look fucking terrible.

I know, yeah. Branches in your hair? Yes, there are branches in my hair. There's dirt under my bum. There are roots in my ears. It's been a terrible week. There's dirt under your bones? So you're sitting on dirt?

Yeah, well, I'm sitting in dirt and on dirt. I've been sitting, it's been dirty. But is it under your cheeks? Is it like wedged up in that? Yes, yes. You see where your pants are? And you sit on the dirt. It is, it got inside the pants,

and then every moment the pants were on, made it worse. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what, Baron? I know you're clearly evil and you work for the Dark Lord and you're kind of running the present were on made it worse. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what, Baron? I know you're clearly evil and you work for the Dark Lord and you're kind of running the prison town of Hogsface and keeping us here and forcing us to keep doing the podcast. But if you're going to go over all that, could you do my full title? Baron, Shangle, Birth, Ragoon?

The Baron of Shrek? Very good. 33rds, something. Stuart, Stuart of Shrek Valley. Oh, well, I know you're all those things, which I am against. of Shrek? Very good. Thirty-thirds something. Stuart, Stuart of Shrek Valley. Well, I know you're all those things, which I am against. I think you're saying you're going through a hard time, are you doing okay? Oh, it's just, it's been a crazy week.

I, you'll recall I was here last week, and I was here with my, my lady love, lady. Your new girlfriend? Yeah, lady parts and just when we were about to Consummate things with lady parts in my reach She vanished. Yeah, she said she was going to the woods. You were all here for that. Oh, yeah Told me Very much in love with you very excited to be with you in a sexual manner, but simply had a reason to be upset and fled into the woods.

At this point, I followed her into the woods. Into the woods? Into the woods. Into the woods. And, well, as you know, the woods have not quite reconciled themselves with the Dark Lord's control. No, for the woods are the very source of nature and the power, and they do know that all that the Dark Lord stands for is unnatural. And well, it put up a bit of a fight. I went high and low. There were trees that would throw apples at me. I thought I found this shed, and I thought I heard lady parts inside from the echo But I went inside and immediately the whole shed was shaking it turns out the whole house is on duck legs Ran through the woods and jumped in a lake. Wow, you had a rough week. I mean luckily I met a series of bats that kept me company and oh

Warm around the fire, but for the most part, it was not the week I was looking for. Wow, you say not. I mean a check on Doc Lake's Bob Ayaga. Exactly. Well, I know you were out looking for your girlfriend, but I should have mentioned this before. When she ran out of here, she left the shoe. What? Yeah, if I don't know, this is gonna help you in any way. Yeah, we didn't notice it at first. It's just slip I made of glass.

Yeah, it might fit some, but also that series's just a slip I made of glass. Yeah, man. It might fit some of it. Also, that series of bats, you know, bats use echolocation, which is perfect when trying to find a vagina. That is true, yes. Although it's hard to ask your new girlfriend to help you find your old girlfriend. Well, even worse, it's tough to ask your new girlfriend to help you find your old girlfriend's vagina. That's true. It's an awkward conversation. It is. To be sure. Yeah. old girlfriends vagina. That's true. That's awkward conversation. It is. To be sure.

Yeah. Series of bats, please help me find this vagina. I mean, I wouldn't call those series of bats my girlfriend. Oh, I see. Putting any series of labels on this. Sure, that's it. Sure. You're just like a series of casual acquaintances.

You get it. Yeah, I get it. I bet this shoe, I could wear this. It's a big shoe. Is that size 13? You know what they say? The size of a woman's shoe. It's the size of's a big shoe. Is that size 13? You know what they say the size of a woman shoe It's the size of her glass. Let me go shoe Hey, this is me

What he's one of the guys I'm a flamingo now blemish does not like birds. Oh, yeah, I love birds Another reason why blemish does not like zonin and roogs ten g's either. I don't like me. Yeah. Yeah. What's blemish's deal? What it wants to bl- I'm also curious as to what blemish's deal is like yeah, like blemish I know you're evil and you work for the dark lord But you also just seem really high strong just from the very beginning I'm not strong and anyone who says that I'm high strong is a liar in a fool blemish blemish blemish listen Okay, let me take my beak here And I'm gonna I'm gonna spill some ink on these papers here

And I'm gonna hold up these blobs of ink on the paper and I want you to tell me what you see. Mm-hmm. What do you say? A bottle Right this one here my father's bottle Your father should get that checked out. That's one right my father's dead bottle Oh, I think I think we know what blum's one, right? My father's dead butthole. Oh, right. I think we know what glommesh's deal is. I do have a follow-up question.

Was your father dead? Or was his butthole dead? Good question. My father's butthole died one year before my father. Did you have a funeral for it? He grieved the loss of his butthole. Mm-hmm. At some length. It drove him even further away, but he was not long for this world.

I assume his buttle dying is what killed him. You would be wrong. I would be. Yes. I assumed it was toxic shock. As soon as that buttle was dead. Not at all, he struggled through life without a buttle for a one-year, nobly. Oh, man.

What was my worst nightmare? What was it that finally took his life? He choked on a spicebly. Oh man, that's what it was. My worst nightmare. What was it that finally took his life? He choked on a spice potato. Oh. The very spice of which he had developed with my grandfather. That's right. But can we get some spice potatoes? Are you kidding me?

I love them. Yeah, come on, just a few. Ben, Ben, can you make blanachki with some spice potatoes? I'm just a weak old man who used to be with him. And I'm just a flamingo on one leg. Look, I'm drinking, slips, gopegulp. And I'm just a human from another world who fell through the dimensional portal

behind a burger king into the magical, fantastic land of food. That's not helping. Oh, blemish, can we get some spice potatoes for the table? My Lord, why, for real? For real, black. I shall return. You know, if the Dark Lord, I don't want to say this because I'm sure it's a painful memory losing one's father. But the Dark Lord had been reigning when blemishes' fathers butthold died.

It could have been reanimated. It could have been a dark brown eye from which the dark lord held court between blemishes father's buttocks. I know the dark lord probably wants to see all but does the dark lord really want to see all? The dark lord does not have your queesiness. Corruption and filth are as pure to him as daylight and birds. Oh speaking of, I forgot to tell you guys, I was in the lake trying to get some algae singing a little song and I found

this. It's a chocolate starfish. Oh, a chocolate starfish? Okay, man. Yeah, go ahead. Oh, thank you. Well, it's going to town on that chocolate starfish. Chant, I have to ask. Did you? Did you meet with Florence? Yeah, Florence of Llingue. Yeah. Yes. At the SWRA.

It was lovely seeing you there, by the way. Yes, I fell through the garden. Actually, I was sort of disappointed. I thought I was hundreds of miles from Hogsface at the time. I'd gotten all turned around. That's why I didn't stay long. I had to go back out of the run. To go off it is the run. Yeah, absolutely all turned around. That's why I didn't stay long. I had to go back out of the woods.

Yeah, absolutely. A plate of spice potatoes for you, my lord. And what you do with them is your own business. I'm going to share them with the prisoners. I wish you wouldn't. Raw potato, covenants, spices. That is so good. I swear, I'll die. Farnie. Yeah, he used to, he's eating a lot. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I must have missed. I am so much sad.

Melancholy from my time spent laying down in a drawer that is now my prison. Well, short time I was in a cell, or I could cook a little bit. Now I'm in a drawer. I would like to stand up again. Well, you know you, Siddhar, we can move you to a larger set. Oh, well, that would be wonderful. Thank you. All I need to hear from you is a, you know, a pledge of fieldy to our dark lord. I'd rather not do that. All right, well,

use it or just do it. Duffer's out there. I'm not going to do that. Here's my question, Baron. Is it all right if he lies about swearing fieldy? Could he just like say he's doing it and then not? Could he swear, Milti? it and then not? Ha ha ha ha! Could he swear Milti?

Watch your swan fealty! You are forever in the service! No, this guy gets it. Honestly, what's your fucking deal? It is so glorious to be in his service. And especially glorious to see those who have fought against him brought low! It is the greatest time!

I feel like you're pretty unhappy. If you were to unswear fe feelty, I'm really jealous. I would do sooner unswear feelty to he who has paid some attention to me, then I would swear feelty to you, Zoning, and... You just want attention? What? You said he paid attention.

You just want attention. That was one of a number of other important things. Let's everyone... Let's not pay attention to blemish. I mean, the guy has cats coming out of his mouth every five minutes. Of course he wants attention. Look, there's one coming out right now. All right. Oh, oh, oh.

It's saying something. I hate Mondays. Oh, that was adorable. I like that cat. I-I'm gonna see. I-I-you're hard to ignore. But-but that type of attention, you-you-garnos, that good attention. And if you had given me any type of attention you got us, that good attention. And if you had given me any type of attention any time before now,

oh I would have been at your knee happy and playing. And in your moment of weakness is not the time to come, to turn around a blemish and offer him attention, you had a lot of time to offer blemish, good attention and what attention did you give me? It's not about the attention you receive, it is about how you live your life And if you wanted to be a good person all you needed to do was puke out cats for the side of righteousness

Yeah, also there's other things you can call yourself besides blemish like that's kind of a terrible name Like call yourself Mish or like the mish or like Paul I Wish someone would give me a nickname. You can't give yourself a nickname. Can you, you can't give yourself a nickname? It's just calling you Mish. Mish, Mish, Mish, Mish. Mish, missionary.

Or would you prefer an evil nickname? Stick with Mish, plenish. Mish, Mishy, Mish, Mish. When you miss your punnestar, stick with Mish. Let's see it, bear. What's your evil name? You know, what are the evil nicknames, B? Well, let's see, um, spiderface.

Oh, that's pretty good. Spiderface. I don't want you to commit to continuing to be evil, but spiderface is a pretty good nickname. The- the sting? The sting. Crazy Jared. Yes.

Yes. From now on, call me Crazy Jared. Crazy. Crazy Jared runs the Vimeleon Minotaur now! Serb! Serb Daphne! Crazy Jared commands it! This is sort of embarrassing, I actually already know

what Crazy Jared is. Oh no, no. Oh, you gotta go call us a CJ. Wasn't the best name on that list. Oh, that's a long story. Yeah, I thought the sting was great. That's right. Spiderface.

Crazy Jared. Yeah! Crazy Jared. Yes! Crazy Jared is returning. Can you bring us some rooster's feet? We're so hungry. What's Crazy Jared like? Crazy Jared is my favorite new best friend.

Yes. How crazy is Crazy Jared? Oh, he's coo-key. Coo-hoo-nuts. Does it get any crazier than Crazy Jared? No one's crazier than Crazy Jared. He's off his rocker. Who picks Jared first? Who picks Jared first?

Yeah, without anything. Oh, oh, for like a team? Oh, I would. If I was making a ball kicking team, I would pick the first. Let me see if I can find some roosterous feet. Thank you. I'm not going to swear a field teeth to the dog law because now blunished is bringing me things.

Now, actually, I'm surprised that you gave that speech about how attention is important. You, you of all people should know the magical weight of attention. Yes, of course, names and the way that one does study a certain phrase, I, the power of the mind, focused a thing. I can have a great power of or it, but That he's he just is needy. That's that's totally different. Well, we've got word that's come down The dark lord and his magicians and necromancers and sorcerers and various magic doers Wish for there to be more attention on this podcast more attention on the podcast I mean I put so much of my attention into the podcast your attention

We need more attention from the other side of the portal from your realm earth more Earth attention on the podcast. Yeah, you're talking about Hank Hank you want Hank to do something? We need more Individuals than just Hank to be paying attention to the podcast. Oh, I don't know. Did you hear us talk about eating chocolate starfish and all that? Eating dogs shit? I mean, we get a reason to tune out, to tune in.

Yeah. Well, that has to end. We need to increase the amount of tension on the other side, because that's the only way the Dark Lord will be able to form a link. Well, as much as it pains me to admit it, this is Arnold's area of expertise. other side because that's the only way the Dark Lord will be able to form a link. Well as much as it pains me to admit it, this is Arnold's area of expertise. What do you think we should do? Well I don't want to help the Dark Lord, but you know I have to confess we probably aren't as proactive as we could be

about trying to grow our listenership. And you know hey maybe the Dark Lord thinks that if more people on earth are listening to the podcast that helps him, but guys I think if more people on earth are listening to the podcast, that helps him, but guys, I think if more people on earth are listening to the podcast, that's gonna help us defeat the Dark Lord. I just don't know exactly how. Wonderful. Yeah, he talked about...

Right, just justify helping us however you need to. He talked about forming a link. I think the three of us can build some sort of try force. Oh, I do have an idea. Yeah. What if people screamed about it? Yeah, walking down the street and they just screamed about the podcast.

Okay, sure. I mean, honestly, that's how I found out about the dark Lord when I was a younger man. Just, there was a woman filthy, cake in her own filth. It lived in the village outside of Ruguyn Castle. I feel like you're describing our... I mentioned describing our listeners.

And she would scream about the dark lord, dark lord this dark lord that. And you know, my caretakers would shut her the windows and say, oh little lord, don't dwell on stuff like that. But I'm like, oh yeah, no, she sounds like she knows something. And that woman's name was Crazy Jarrett. That's the other Crazy Jarrett, you know. What? And it makes a coincidence. Let's see from Crazy Jarrett.

Let's have some sort of table, life screaming, like people in real life scream. Yeah, look, if you're listening to the podcast right now, no matter where you are, whether you're in your car or you're at work or you're just walking down the street or doing some chores, just scream out right now. I am listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern and wherever you get your podcast,

you should go and listen to it as well. Maybe there's also another idea. Yes, let's bring some more. This is a great idea. No, no, there's no bad ideas. I mean, just took the first idea. Yeah, yes, let's spray some. I mean, this is a great idea. No, no, there's no bad ideas. We just took the first idea. Yeah, sure, sure. Okay, no, I mean, I like that one, but apologies if one of the listeners already did that, and then we decide that's not the idea we're going to. I know, I feel terrible. I said they're doing it right then. Really, I'm going to mount a dry. They're

really above and oven, wherever they are publicly right now. People could write the name of the podcast onto a cat and then raise the cat up a pole, and let it fly in the wind like a flag. Yeah, let's do that one. Alright, if you're listening right now, grab the first cat you see, right the name of the podcast on. That's what Crazy Jarred would do. That's true.

That is what Crazy Jarred would do. But Baron, is that what Crazy Jarred would do? One out of two Crazy Jarreds agree. What should we do to make people listen to the podcast? What makes podcasts more popular? Ads, really long ads. Oh yeah. Yeah, we could do those.

In fact, let's do some of those right now. Let's take a quick break and let's do some really long ads that are gonna make more people wanna listen to the podcast. Crushin' it. Bungery. Hello, friend. It's me, Bungery.

Chuppens that is of Chuppens, Chamberpots and so forth. And almost a Uubin laid out like a sack of corn meal since the summer solstice. Oh, it's a scorcher. Now if you're in bed anyway, you might as well have a tin chamber pot between your legs. Nice and cool. Why sure? You can spend your life savings at Pen Halligan's pretty parties for a fancy one with ice-cold neoprene gel, whatever

the heck that is. But you know my father once said, if you can build a shack out of tin you can sure shit in it tin. His last words. So come by the shop and let's get you some cold, corrugated sheet metal for your backside. Look, Arnie, I made a cat flag. Oh, hey, oh, that's actually a lot more disturbing than I thought it was going to be. Yes, I don't like that at all. I'll let it go. Thank you. Can I have your cat flag?

Uh, no, I'm going to let this one go Can I have your cat flag? No, I'm gonna let this one go. This is the cat who said he hates Mondays no, I like that cat. He got fat real quick. Oh, yeah Let me show we get some lasagna. Oh Shit, did you just see that that catch is kicked and talk off that table? Holy shit. Oh, it's eating all the lasagna. Oh I can't see that. Blemish would never get you lasagna's zonin. What? Crazy Jared. Lasagna it is. Oh, wonderful. All right, well, we actually need to make sure that he doesn't get too nice.

Chant, it's really warmed my heart that you're starting to evil up. So could you please keep an eye on Crazy Jared? Yes, sir, absolutely, sir. And now that I can fly, I can keep you in close range. Can I tell you how happy I am that you've hooked up with another minion of the Dark Lord such as Florence? Oh, I didn't know she was a boop. Oh, boy.

Oh, no, she evil? I didn't know that. I mean, I guess she did tell me to do what she told me to do. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that mouth on her? Yeah. No, she's actually one of the dark lords Smiths. She's building a massive war machine. What's this now? A war machine? Well yes, Florence and her machine. Isn't that Cheetah? I mean Cheetah.

I'm trolling through this town, out the gate to the next town, to all towns that have not yet been conquered. Oh my gosh, the dog days are over. Oh, were you a dog before? Yeah, I spent many of the days a dog. I just like to remind myself every once in a while the dog days are over because it's kind of brutal. Well, I'm saying I also ate it from dog shit. Yeah. Oh, hey, I've got an idea.

Hank, if you're still listening or rusty. Use Twitter, post a video of yourself, explaining why people should listen to hello from the magic tavern, or maybe really quickly explaining the premise of the show, and we'll pick some, maybe we'll play them on the show. Well, that's a wonderful idea. People explaining to the other people of Earth, spreading the message that if they band together,

we could all defeat the Dark Lord. Except for me, good, just a tired, weak old band, blah. And if the podcast grows in popularity, the Dark Lord will think it'll help him, but really in some way it'll help us defeat him, although I just don't know how exactly it. What will help the Dark Lord us to eat this lasagna? You made more lasagna.

Fresh out the oven. And hey, maybe hashtag it with the tree's distance or something like that, because then it'll definitely not help the dark Lord Although we don't know what the tree's distance is. I'm sorry what nothing nothing nothing. Oh, I'm I do apologize Everyone I got distracted. I was thinking about a riddle. Oh, that's right. I'm sure it's nothing interesting But yes a dog shit this week, was that? I was part of it. Look guys, we talk about dog shitting every week on this podcast. We don't talk enough about Riddle's barren. If you've got just a sweet ass Riddle you've been sitting on,

share it on the podcast. Oh, I don't. Uh, all here's one that is driving me crazy. A cave beneath the orange beast. One door west and three doors east. Down and down and down you go until the river starts to glow. Face to face with Swamp's McGee. She'll see the breaking of the three. Below the water, man must grow up until he finds sweet pennello. I mean, that's like, I think, one I heard.

I heard, I think think at a party. I feel like we could collectively maybe solve the riddle but bear once you walk us through like what parts of it mean anything to you like is there some secret interpretation you might have? Obviously the the starting part it's like directions you know you're starting at the starting point so the first thing is you need to find the orange beast and the cave behind it. Oh, blemish, thank you for that lasagna. Oh, that cat ate it all again. It's so fat.

And thank you for this, I guess it's a 12-inch sub sandwich. Is this meatball marinara? Thanks, crazy Jared. But yes, so you need to find the orange beast. Shoot, shoot. Uh, and uh, and go from there. Orange beast, the sun? Yeah, I don't know. Every cave has beneath the sun. Oh, yeah.

So I'm right. What could the orange beast be? Uh, these are pretty one. Um, that cat's kind of big and orange. Yes, you're right. I totally would have missed that. Thank you, chant. The cave beneath the Vermillion Minotaur.

I'm going there now. Wait, hey, hey, hey, bear, no, no. What are you hoping to find in the cave beneath the Vermillion Minotaur? A number of doors. A number of doors. Wait, the catch is nudged a box towards me. Who's normal?

Chant, yeah. If we've got some secret box that might have a clue to unraveling this riddle, we should open it up. Okay, let me... That's a package that's maybe meant for the Dark Lord! Okay, let me open it up here. Alright. Oh my god.

Oh, oh my gosh. Whoa, what is this? It's a piece of parchment that says, look for the liquid swords. Look for the liquid swords. Yeah, what's a liquid sword? I don't know. It's like piece of parchment that says, look for the liquid swords. Look for the liquid swords. Yeah, what's a liquid sword? I don't know. It's like a dick. Yes, it's probably a dick.

I'm just trying to unpack this riddle. I don't know. I'm just word-associating here. I just unpacked the riddle. We don't even unpack anymore. Says, look for the liquid swords. The liquid swords. Look for the liquid swords. Here's the thing I think that we're really overlooking.

We've been spending all this time just in this tavern without realizing that there might be all of these important secrets here that clearly the dark lord is looking for and clearly the Baron is looking for. Of course they're all manner of artifacts from travelers past and ventures of your eye. Found it! Whoa! Found my dick!

Oh. Hmm. Didn't you say to... I mean, good! Good. Congrats! I think you say the, I mean good. Good, congrats. Look, I can turn my head upside down. Oh, no. That's amazing.

For many travelers of travel along the main road, the travelers way and found themselves here and surely at this way station, some great and powerful artifacts, surely were left behind that could change the very course of the history of this land. I, and it seems like a humble tab in Shirley, but it is at the crossroads of all of the important events that have air happened in food.

Oh, there's something on the back of this paper. G, Z, A. Great, Zoning, no. Hm, Gets. Gets. Sounds, get... You see, hey, get... Sounds...kid. Is this a Wu-Tang thing? What's the Wu-Tang? Oh, I don't want to talk about earth stuff.

Guys, I don't think we're gonna solve all of this stuff right now. But I do think that maybe if the Dark Lord wants something, we should not let him have it, except for him wanting us to keep doing this podcast, which we will keep doing. But maybe we should try to find the secrets of the Vermilion Minotaur ourselves. I wonder if there's like a bunch of different hidden chambers, like 36 hidden chambers. The quest I insult to go on. It's right here beneath me the entire time.

I, yay, I shall tear apart this tepid and find every secret-looking cranny. I, every bubble and bits that may have the slightest bit of power, and I shall start here. Here with this rock! There's a rock sitting right by my chair. You said it's not always just gonna be a rock, as the saying goes. I'm just going to meditate for at least one week and see how magical this rock is. Give me one week rock, and see how magical this rock is. Give me one week rock.

And I shall unlock your secret power. Look, I just think we need to have a little more access to the tavern. And Chant, you're in good with the guards. So maybe like we can game that system so that we have a little more free space to move around the tavern. Absolutely, consider it done.

And maybe we can encourage the Baron to go back into Mick Shingle Shane's chain forest, looking for lady parts. And I think that just means we've got one really major hurdle. One person that's constantly watching us and reporting back to the Dark Lord. Zoonin and your voice was very loud. Do you need another potion from the Baron? No, Blamish. I don't. Just checking.

It was getting raucous over here. I'm sorry, did I call you Blamish? I don't. Just checking. I was getting raucous over here. I'm sorry, did I call you Blamish? I meant to say crazy Jared. Crazy Jared, you're great. Am I? Crazy Jared, would you mind going and getting some meats? Would you mind getting four meats? One for me, one for you, Sador.

One for Chant, and one for Crazy Jared. Of course. Perhaps it's Crazy Jared and one for Crazy Jared. Of course. Perhaps it's Crazy Jared's time to be heard at the table. Just say my time. Yeah, the Crazy Jared thing is fine, but don't like, don't third person it. It's Crazy Jared's time. Hmm. Don't you think?

I think it's Crazy Jared's time. Finally, to be heard. I shall read it. Guys, we gotta get rid of Crazy Jared. I'm way ahead of you. BEEP Guys, my head is spinning. I feel like there's just a lot of new stuff to process. Yeah, I can't believe we have to go kill Barangun's woman who yelled at him about the dark lord that got him into it.

I feel like that's... What? No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. We're not talking about that crazy Jared. We're talking about crazy Jared. Oh, well, let's keep that straight, huh? There's a lot of crazy Jared's running around. I mean, for my experience, almost everyone named Jared ends up being on, you know, pretty okay. Uh, thank you for returning with our meats. It could only be Jared. Well, time to enable editing on that old show Bible. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

Not played like an instrument, but more played like taking that instrument and beating something until it's not fun anymore. Chant the Flamingo was played by Adolf Refire. So many new character choices to not make. Baron Ragoon was played by special guest Chris Rathchin. Check out Chris' other great podcast, Improvise Star Trek. And you know how sometimes the wind will blow through a plastic bag just right to produce a really buzzing sound? Well, my apologies, that must have been happening in the recording studio.

Oh, my mistake! That was Martin Wilson performing Crazy Jared. Martin performs with the improvised Shakespeare company like once a month. And our main guest was, oh, was Martin the headliner? Normally he's filler. Well, I guess even a garnish is a meal if there's nothing else on the plate. Craig? Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arnie Neekamp, Evan Jacoba and Rihendy Georgie. This one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard Lebon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz.

Special thanks to Tom Gottlieb, who played Bunga Reed Chubbins, and who will also be returning as the voice of Cookie Masterson in Fibbage 3 in the Jackbox Party Pack for this fall. Oh, synergy. Speaking of special guests, having Prince Tomlin on the show last week has me wondering what his sister Princess Treykia Aurelia belleroth is up to. I wonder if she's still trying to produce that play as a trap for her brother. And I further wonder if she's still hanging out with that unique and, uh, medanoid, the weird shit monster. And I wonder still if I could pick up their frequency on the resonance stones again.

Oh well, never mind. Oh wait, let me just try to do that. ["Bell Ringing"] Don't live up with that. Don't you ever pull that bull hockey on me again in rehearsal. Oh yes, of course, sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Are you- I am covered in a fluvia right now. Well, I'm sorry.

It's just- I'm not solid, so you get me wet and not- I'm gonna streak. I can barely contain myself. I've slaughtered four native peoples outside to try and get a handle on the anger I am feeling from what you would call this process. Oh, process. Yes, it is a process and and thank you for spending your time directing murdering you by the way. I am a drift right now. For a man with no genitals Benedict, you've certainly grown a pair throughout these rehearsals. Oh, throw those not-existent testies in my face.

I would have liked her. I'm really learning and growing. I appreciate the opportunity. Oh, Metanoid, that you leave here every day without searing hot lava poured over your face as a mystery. And not to be a jerk, but... Do it! You haven't contributed to the 15 duckets to rehearsal space yet, and I'm just covering a lot of expenses right now. Okay, okay, well, I'm waiting for Smaang Hagnar

to come out of his days, you know, enough that I can maybe ask for an advance on my allowance. Well, I find it ironic that the gentleman who never comes with correct change in duckets for rehearsals can chastise someone else for it. Who always comes with a crisp 20 ducket, looking for someone else who perhaps has a few single duckets to help break it? First of all, I'm a unique, so I never come. But I can't experience pleasure in different ways, and this is not the place to get into it.

Perhaps we should move on to some blocking. Does anyone need water before we move on? Oh bless you, Hong-Gor. Here you go. Hong-Gor, you know I like my water heated to at least 107 degrees. That's dangerous. I know. Thanks, Hong-Gor.

No water for me. Okay, bye. All right. Either I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm being pulled at both ends right now. I get it. Maybe you'd like a little foot massage. Oh God. Oh my God. Your vapors are from heaven. Yeah, I'm just gonna get in there. You're just gonna right in front of me. Let me right in front of me

You're gonna do this. Oh this pressure. You're just gonna let those vapors envelop your rancid feet right in front of me. What am I supposed to do? I haven't had a day off in weeks. You know what? My Monday is your Saturday, so I am gonna have a good time tonight. Oh, you haven't had a day off. Then what did I catch you doing in front of your mirror yesterday, accepting your tosser? Yes! Into your own hairbrush. Oh, that's tight. You know what? I'm sorry if I have a dream. I'm sorry if I have worked my bum off learning lines getting props painting scenery I am sorry if I have written a character bio that would make you weak Well, I am sorry that you did not feel the need to include me your sovereign amongst your thank yous

To ten years acrobat's needs space in ten minutes. Oh those goddamn acrobat's. Oh man, they're so limber and she loves to bend them to her will. Yeah, I went seeing a body sling around. Oh. Yeah, that was weird. Oh, one last thing, the boss is getting into this sort of viral marketing thing and he really wants me to tell you guys to post videos of yourself explaining the show on Twitter and hashtagging it with like, tree-sistance, or if you can't spell that, hashtag Magic Tavern is fine.

I would be can start a ground campaign, you know? It's like regular marketing, but we don't pay anything. If you do a good video, we'll play some of them on the show. And I link your post to the Apple Podcast page so people can find the show. It'll help us out. Alright, enough of that. Visit us at alofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf.