Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 40 - Cockatrice (w/ Laura Grey)

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Chicken on top? Dragon on bottom? Let’s talk to a cockatrice!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPatti the Cockatrice: Laura GreyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Who's got two thumbs and knows there's only one dimension? Well, to be fair, I have several dozen thumbs in digital storage on level 8, but they're not exactly germane to this snappy metaphor. I can already hear the angry letters. And now, enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, don't worry. This is everything you need to know.

When I was in high school, I had a dream. And I was in high school and all the girls were looking at me. And I could sing, but my voice was all over the place. And my mom was there, and you know, I'm not going to classify how attractive she was. Oh, yeah. But anyway, besides that, also about two and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, which is full of secrets. In the Tana Hogs

face, in the land of fune, we've been kind of fighting the dark lord, but currently he put us in charge of the Tana Hogs face and all of his minions we're trying to make it better and we're just uh and we're trying to find a secret weapon to fight the void. Uh, you said we're in charge, have I kind of covered all the sort of big story things? Uh, yes, say in in great detail. Yeah, probably. I'm sure most people have shut off the podcast at this point. I think you left out how attractive your mom was. In the dream, other people seem to say that my mom was hot. But you know, H-A-W-T, hot, hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot.

But I don't like to dwell on that part, not even in like that it's a weird kind of way. It's just sort of like, like, why do I need to classify how attractive our own attractive my mother is. She isn't attractive. Woman. So, certainly. That's fair. Yeah.

Chun, how attractive was your mom? Your mom's a man-to-core? She's a man-to-core. To me, she's a 10. Perfect 10. Oh, wow. Yeah, both parents. What makes a manticore attractive?

Like, I know you are a shapeshifter who has been, you know, a few different animals, but mostly you're a talking badger. No. How do you classify what makes different kinds of animals more or less attractive? I think it's whatever their physical ambition is in terms of like my mom's amantacore so she wants to terrify, right? So in terms of presenting a terrifying

visage, she's a ten. Yeah, she gets the job done. Nothing more attractive than being good at what you do. Exactly. Now you said that your father was also at him. Correct? Yep. Now was that a ten when he's alive and then he's a five once he became a ghost? Yeah, because he's transparent. Yes, you're okay. I'm going to go good. So he's, I see. You can see right through him.

Oh, surely. And he's not a transparent. He's transparent. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, no, I got it. You said or the wizard. Yes.

That was a strange transition. You don't have any parents. No. Besides the birds and the wind. No, I was brought forth into this world by a conspiracy of birds and rain and fire and wind. They did say there must be a champion of this world. And I did step forth into the light and say, Ye, use it or his here.

He shall protect all the small children and men and women, and he shall fight and fight and fight until his last breath. Aye, he shall destroy that dark lord, with all the power that doth rest within him, and he shall overcome. He shall fight on and on and on, and nair shall he even end this sentence until he is certain that he is going to win.

Yeah, yeah, but how was that right? I'd give it like an eight. At a very least, the fire must have been hot. The fire was literally hot, and also, I found myself sexually aroused by it. Oh! That's gotta be confusing to be sexually aroused by the fire that was part of a conspiracy to bring you into this world.

Where would the elements of bringing you into the world? You don't have the same sort of relationship that you understand that you have with your parents. It was more of an agreement, conspiracy there. They said, step forth into this world mighty wizard and protect us all. And I was like, all right, I gave him a big thumbs up. And then I said, was like, alright, I gave him a big thumbs up and then I said, catch you later, fire and wind and rain and birds and I naked did grab a staff from the ground and say, I must find some robes and a pointy hat. Yeah, man, I mean that's like the same thing that happened with me.

It was like that's how I was brought into the world. Two-star. That's my name, don't worry about it. You know the elves know me as a sentimental gentleman. Tuesday dark. No, we're busy right now. We're doing the podcast. Oh yeah, I mean, I just heard you from across the bar and I heard you know, you said or talking about how he has brought forth into the world. I just thought, you know, same. How were you brought into the world? Same wasn't same. I was brought into the world through fire and rain and earth and wind.

Earthwind and fire? No, those basic three. Huh. Okay. So you'll claim that you're actually a wizard? Yeah, I mean, I'm actually a wizard. I mean, I don't have as many of the spells maybe that you have or like maybe have somewhat different spells, but different doesn't equal lesser you know. Tussardor we get a lot of emails with people having theories

about who you are or how you came into existence or what you're really about but I've got to say I'm just not that invested in you at all. Yeah no that took so all right well see you guys thanks for stopping by. Good bye Tussardor. Tussardor isn't it weird how Tussardor comes over and he always tells us this thanks for stopping by But it's like he's stopping by and yes, and I never say Thank you for stopping by because I am unappreciative. Yeah, I feel interjections I feel like that's the same of like sometimes if I order rooster's feet and the the waiter sets it down or like enjoy your food And I go you too, it's like,

that's cool. Let's see, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, that reminds me. We should order some rooster's feet and a round of ale for all of everyone at the table. You said before I introduce our first guest, I kinda want to ask, when the birds and the wind and the fire

on the earth, two stars. Two stars. I guess. Yeah, we'll see you. When the birds and the wind and the fire and the earth Too sorry When they all conspired to bring you into existence did they all then go their separate ways afterwards or was the Fire and the birds like you know what we've got to keep in some kind of a relationship because now we have a wizard Again, I think you're putting a traditional parental relationship upon this Again, I think you're putting a traditional parental relationship upon this. Uh, this is not exactly a one-for-one relation. Oh, so they weren't like we've got to stay together at least until he gets to the Great Halls of Turokhas. And when he goes away to the Great Halls of Turokhas, then I can go back to the sky and I can go back to wherever fire goes.

See, that's the other thing about all of these elements are already working in See your human parents come together and Decide a joining union all of these elements wind fire rain earth birds They are just part of nature. They cannot throw elements. They cannot be separate and don't forget heart There's wind earth fire heart, and when those all combine. Tussard, don't talk about heart. Tussard, don't talk about heart. Look, I'm trying to understand your magic man, but please, please, we got a podcast

to do. Alright, is this already? I should be in the park. So if ever those elements that did conspire to put me together would decide to divorce and go their separate ways. All of the world would be torn asunder. You know what, Yusudor maybe would feel that way if the elements that brought you into existence decided to have a divorce, you'd feel like the world was coming to an end. But you know what, the world is gonna be alright?

No, they're not. And it's tough. And I know it would be tough. Or are you? And it's not your fault Yusudor. Look, I don't want to do two different winter solstices. It's not about... I can't do a winter solstice with the birds and a winter solstice with the mud. I can't do it. Look, Yusudor, sometimes it's hard for birds and fire. It's times it's just very

hard for birds and fire to get along. Over a long period of time. Right, yes. There's a lot of reasons it's difficult for them. A lot of times the birds just burn. Yeah. You know what? It's fine and the fire, but you know what, the birds needed to get out of that.

The birds needed to get to do so. Then the birds are delicious. Once you set them on fire, they're delicious. Okay, I love birds. Where'd you go Once you send them on fire, they're delicious. Okay. I love birds. Aren't you guys forgetting your guests? Oh, that's right. Tussador, and I'm also forgetting chon, chon, how you doing, buddy?

I'm good, I mean, I've been trying me in a little bit. Oh, that's true. Yeah, absolutely. I love you, buddy. I love you too. I love you too. Tussador, I'm not for you. All right, all right, okay.

Guys, I am very excited to talk to our guest. We don't have enough like crazy creatures on the show. You know what I mean? What the fuck does that mean? We don't have enough crazy creatures? Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm from a different world. Yeah, we have a cockatrice on the show and I say that. Oh, uh, shield rise. Shield your eyes. Shield my eyes. Yes. Yes. The cockatrice on the show and I Shoulder eyes shield my eyes yes, the cockatrice can look at you and then destroy you with a single look what oh Death stare death stare death stare. Oh my gosh. It's true. It's it's like kind of our thing But you guys actually you don't have to worry about it. I've kind of got a little bit of an astigmatism. So my desk stare is not at full power.

Oh, I see. Yeah. I was concerned because I said, I was gonna say we should cancel the rooster. Oh, yeah. Oh no, I love those. Oh. Yeah, I have some really creepy uncles

that are actually snake from the top and rooster from the bottom and I don't mind thinking about eating them at all. Oh wow snake up top party on the bottom. Party on the bottom. Yeah for me it's like when you get the bird up top and the snake on the bottom then you're all business. Yeah so for our listeners from my world they're probably a very small fraction of people even know what a cockatrice is weird So would that be but sob? But what but sob bird up top snake on bottom. Yeah, you do that's the correct. Yeah terminology for that That's awesome. I really like that. Sorry. I just really like but sob

Sorry, are you what were you saying you like this crazy creature like but sob and you cannot lie big but sob big but sob I'm a big but sob fan guys So so your name is patrathion. Am I saying that? Yes, that's true. It's patrathian, but you can just call me patty. Oh patty. That's not much easier for me I have to confess and so you're so you're like a Rooster head and a lizard like a lizard body and you got these sort of adorable leathery wings. Oh yeah, I can definitely fly. Oh wow, they're kind of small. They are. I mean, I'm if the technical term for me is janky dragon.

That's sort of yeah. Yeah, so think of like a petite janky dragon with a dust stare. Yeah, and I have never got an astigmat own, but you know, we won't. That's true. What is the a-stick-matism do to your death stare? Well, you know, I hope none of you are painters, because I haven't been able to actually kill a thing with my stare, but I have been able to kill someone's ability to want to paint.

So, it's just sort of a selective death. Yeah. I don't have total control over it. It's been hard. You know, it's been hard to sort of live with my disability. Other carcasses don't really look kindly on it. Yeah. Honestly, I think they're better than me because they can kill you completely.

Yeah, it's gotta be tough. It's so snobby of them to look down on you for not being able to do one of the defining things of what makes you do. Well, I don't let them look down on me because then I would die. Oh, yes, it's fine. Can cockatrice's death stare each other? Yes, and in fact most of us can't even look in the mirror. Whoa. Which is really hard on our rooster faux-hawks.

I know, it's true. Yeah. It's true. Yours looks good though. hard on our rooster faux hawks. I knew it's true. Yeah. It's true. Yours looks good though. I know. Well, you know, I can look in the mirror. I just, you know, don't have any creative endeavors anymore because I've looked in the

mirror one too many times. So I killed my ability to paint, my desire to make an Indie-emo band, killed my desire to become a pastry chef. But, you know, my hair looks great. So that's an upside. I know. That's a bit of a or a borrower. It's like that's a bit of a snakey eating its own tail when you kill your drive to create an indie emo band.

Doesn't that give then give you the sort of sadness to create an indie emo band? Yeah, but then you know when you go to do your first show, the first thing you want to do is make sure that you have the great shoe gazing outfit, you look in the mirror, and then you're like, I don't even want to do this gig anymore. Yeah, it's tough, it's tough. That hair would be so good in an emobent band. When you did have a drive to be in an emobent, did your band have a name? It did have a name. It had multiple names. Oh, I'd love to hear five of them.

Great. Well, the no yes was one of them. Oh, one. But it pronounced the noise. The noise, oh good. Yeah, that was my first one. That died very quickly. Yeah. When I looked in my mirror in high school, another one is actually called,

fuck me in my snake parts. Two, two. I'm sorry, that's good. Sometimes the band's name is so good. It doesn't even matter what the music is. Right, right. And honestly, that was also the name, to be the name of our first album and the first single.

And those were actually the only lyrics that I had ever written. You know what? That now, if I'm looking back to 10 years ago and and someone I knew that the shirt they were that makes so much sense now Yeah, I just imagine someone's seeing a concert in a tavern being like I love this song. What's this song? Oh fuck me in my snake parts. I love it. What's the name of the band? Oh, it's also fuck my snake parts It's good branding. Yeah, absolutely Another one of my band names was just ochre. Oh three. Yeah, I feel like that just feeling of that color, you know. Yeah. And then singing in the rain. Singing in the rain for. Yeah, would you

put on concerts during the rainfall? Oh, yeah, we would, the idea was we would wait until it rained and then it would be sort of like a pop-up show. So if you went outside and I happened to be in your neighborhood, I would be singing there. Oh, wow. Yeah. I would, you know what? It would be nice because you'd be bummed that it's raining and then be like, oh, but that band I like is probably going to be playing. That's awesome. And then be like, oh, but that band I like is probably gonna be playing. That's awesome. Right.

Are you on earth? Who's the biggest independent emotional band? The most independent emotional band? I said the biggest, but oh, oh, the most well-known independent emotional band. Oh, is that what Indy means? That's what Indy and Emo. Oh, the most independent emotional band is, uh, um, come on, give me some sort of confessional. Oh, I don't know if you could maybe give me a few more criteria for what you're looking for. Oh, you're having a real fallout, boy, boy, boy.

I'm having trouble thinking of any, I'm sure there are a lot of them. Like, what are you looking for? Just like the biggest independent emotional band on Earth. Okay. Hmm. Yeah, when am I going to have to wait for the postal service, you just sending it snail mail, come on. Yeah, I don't think there are any. Ah. Oh, now the user said,

is it all right, are you okay? I had a big surprise plan for the show, and it was your big surprise. No, I don't even know if I want to do it. Are you? Is this about your... Here, here's a bowl of salsa that I made. Oh, you said that.

That is grape sinnet. I thought I'd try something new. I really been into salsa lately and just all of a sudden I don't care about it at all anymore. Oh no, did you. Did you catch my eye? Oh no. She killed your salsa creativity. Oh no.

Oh, sorry. God. But I... You said there's been making salsa for months now. Yes, but- You won't stop talking about it. It was such a wonderful part of the podcast where I would talk about the various salsa recipes

that I adore, but now I just don't care about it at all. Also, grapes and salsa, yum. I'm so sorry. Yes. I just- I didn't realize you had a talent for dips. Ah, it's all right. There's no way you could have known and I I should have protected myself. I only myself I'm just sad that this whole dipstick is coming to an end But patty yeah, you killed the creative desires of a lot of your friends

Yeah, most people who come in contact with me end up, you know, feeling a little dead inside. Well, luckily this podcast is not a creative endeavor and is more of a hard documentary style. Look at life in this world. You know, if this was just like a comedy goof around show. You would be totally screwed. I mean, the good thing is I don't have enough power to kill the truth. Yeah. And that's what you guys are telling. Yeah, luckily. Yeah, you can't stop the truth. No, that's great, but you can't stop the music That's right. Please do you stop something? Let me see patty yeah, I had a day to ask this, but what was that fifth band man? Oh the fifth band name are you right? You wanted five the fifth band name was

How band name are you right you wanted five. The fifth band name was how much? Oh, there were a lot of there were at least 16 O's in there and it was just how much. Now patty I must know, do you find now that you don't have your death stare that there are other things you want to accomplish in the world. You can't take the path of a normal cockatrice of awaiting a dungeon for some adventure to come along and fight you to your death. So what fills up your time now? Yeah, you know, it's really hard to avenge yourself when you can't just look at something you hate and kill it. So I've found that I've have to cultivate other things. I've had to cultivate a good sense of self. Therapy is one of my favorite things to do.

Oh, yeah, I go to a lot of therapy. I have a great therapist, you guys, if anyone needs a recommendation. Oh, yes, please. I think her and he would, I know. I just need a place I can go every week to just sort of talk You know, I feel like I don't have a place I can go every week where I can just talk and talk for about 40 to 50 minutes mostly about myself. Yeah, people need that I can send to you that you might need like a little bit of

Talk therapy. I got a dream. I just need to talk about some more. But we don't need to do that now. Also, I think my parents might be breaking up. Oh, no. That's going to be heavy. Yes. I mean, I'm 320 years old, but you never get over a thing like that. It's true.

Wait, how are your parents breaking up? Well, Arnold convinced me that the bird and the wind, and the fire, and the rain, and the frogs, and the mud, that all did conspire to bring me into this world on really good for each other. Oh, I must have missed out on the frogs and the mud though are doing great I bet the frog at the very least the frogs and the mud are staying together. Do you think so? I would like to guess so Thank you, you're welcome. You said, oh, I don't know if this is helpful or not I and I don't know if it would work out but my mom is a man to core. I'm not saying that that's you know to made out to motto but she's a

highly magical creature and I know for a fact that at her home on one of the high shelves she has a book of spells and even plans for some spells in terms of like I mean if you want to get rid of this death stare if you want to like blow it up I could steal the plans for the death stare and we could blow it up and we could end it. And that way you just don't have a death stare. Wait, you were going to blow up the plans for the death stare so that no one has a death stare? Couldn't they just rebuild the death stare?

I feel like they could rebuild the death stare. I guess this does have a few plot holes. Yeah. Because if you have the plans, you can just rebuild it, right? I didn't think this through. I was so excited to get it out I did there's so many goals. Even if you don't have the plans for the death stair I mean you just like well we figured out how to make a death stair the first time we'll eventually make another Fairly similar death stair. It's a very good point. I didn't think it through. I'm sorry

Yeah, they should make some individualized death stairs for the gym. Oh I'm sorry. Yeah, they should make some individualized death stairs for the gym. Well, oh yeah, exactly, exactly. No, just everyone has their own personalized death stairs. Yeah, yeah. Like it shouldn't be just magical creatures like me, you get a death stair,

it should be everyone you get to exercise they're right to the death stair. You get one a day, get to kill one person with a stair. With one person every day. You cross the line, You're out of here. Yeah. But you know, I thought I thought about doing something about it, you know, like getting a lasak spell.

What's this now? A lasak spell. Oh, what's that? You know, it's like a spell that sort of corrects your astigmatism. Oh. Yeah, for people like me. Is that scary?

I know. It's like I've, some people say it works great and then Some of us statistically like can it go wrong? Yeah, there's a 96% good. Oh, it's gonna go good But still I like to look on the dark side of things so that 4% is what really scares me. Yeah, it's perfectly safe. They use a spell to pull back the top layer of your eyes So, and then they use magic to shoot a magical light directly into your eyes Uh-huh, and then for a couple of weeks you can't really see and then you're fine. Oh That's how magic works man. I'm as long as I live. I'll never understand magic Well, I you know 4% what happens to those 4% though? Like, what happens

to a cockatrice's eyes? Well, sometimes you get something called hypervision, which means you're so good at having a death stare that you basically just decimate everything around you without intention, and that's tough. No, you have to get like some red goggles or something to put over your eyes at all times So your your desk there doesn't just blast everybody. Yeah, or you know blind yourself. You could also do that Oh, yeah, that's sort of a permanent. Yeah thing you can do. Yeah, but yeah And some people just never get their desk stare back at all. Mm-hmm, which is, you know sad. It's sad. Yes Sad do you believe that you can live without a death suit? at all, which is, you know, sad. It's sad. Yes. It's sad.

Do you believe that you can live without a deathstone? You know I had never even thought about the possibility of being alive without being able to kill something. That's a really deep question. Also, I might point out you could kill something without your deathstone. You're terrifying claws. That's true. Yeah, you were a young janky dragon.

I have a janky dragon. And then janky dragon still a dragon. I can fly. I could smother with my leather wings. That's true. You have a beak to tear away somebody's face. Mm-hmm. I could definitely rip through, you know, someone's sternum.

Yeah. I mean, it would take a while. Sure, but it would help. It would take a definite while, but maybe if I like, restrain them first, I could just peck away until. Oh, yeah, peck away, yeah. Patty, I have faith that you can murder. Yeah, you can.

You can. You can. I had never thought about this. I would be being so myopic about my death stare. Yeah. Oh, of course. Yes. Myopic about your desk stare is that. There are so many other ways to kill things.

Yes, it's just a good thing. It's a good thing to be myopic about the ways you can kill or triopic or foropic. Fiveopic? Fiveopic even. Let's go ahead and take a break. So panty. take a break. So, Panty, what is it like living amongst cockatrices? I mean, maybe that's a silly question. That's just what your life is, but the cockatrices all live together in like a cockatrice town or

village? Yeah, you know, it's sort of like everyone has their own coop. Oh, they're all lined up next to one another. Sure. Coops are open on the top. Yeah. So that, you know, it's sort of easy in and out. Yeah. Access, but you're always free to, you know, go next door to your neighbor's coop and grab some hay. Yeah. You know, if you don't want to take up that much space, you're gonna get like a little mini-coop. You can. Yeah. I actually, yeah, I sleep in a mini-coup. Oh, that's great. I bet it's adorable looking. It's so adorable.

It has a little dashboard in it, which is wonderful. You can sort of, oh, you need your hand gun inside of it. You don't want to give it confessionally, you're sure? I don't have any at this. Confessionals about dashboards. No, absolutely. So this dashboard inside your mini-coop, is that just a little board that you do things quickly on?

Yeah, that's where, like I said, it does have one drawer to hide your handgun. But most of it. What's a handgun? A handgun? Yeah. Oh, it's, so us cockatrices don't have hands. Yeah.

We have talons. So like sometimes you might want to have a hand Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, like a human can look you in the eye and feel like, oh, good job, but conqueratries can't do that. So we have our little handgun. We sort of shoot out some applause when we, like what someone says. That's wonderful. I like that.

And I'm glad you brought it along to show us. Yeah, I did. I love the sound of it. Oh, I don't leave my house without my handgun. Yeah, although I've got to tell you though, I think you're not allowed to bring that applause into this tab, or. I can't. Yeah, in Hogg got to I got to tell you though I think you're not allowed to bring that applause into this tavern. There's certain yeah in Hogg Space has some rules about certain places of businesses can choose whether you can bring your phone. Well I can seal my handgun when I bring it into

place. No, no, no, no. So that people don't know that I'm going to compliment them. I know I get it. I understand why you would want that but what is she supposed to do if somebody somebody, you know, does a good job with a talent or something, like she's supposed to not shoot them in the plod? Well, you know what? There are other people that can applaud, you know? What if there's some sarcastic butt head who comes in and starts clapping? And then our hero doesn't have her handgun.

You always need a good cockatrice at the handgun to fight bad guy. Yeah, the only with bad ideas. Yeah, someone's going. Yeah. Then you'll come out with a good clap. Yeah, yeah. That's the only way. It's the only way.

Oh, I just, I've always had this theory that handguns were men as a replacement for an unaffective cockatry Following my cockatrice worked better. I wouldn't need this handgun, but Well the bigger the cockatrice the smaller the handgun. Oh really? Yeah, because they you know feel like they have little status So they don't want us sort of yeah, don't feel the need to give other people a pause to be liked. Yeah, it's true. Are you worried you're just going to accidentally applaud yourself? Well, yeah, I'm a small cogitry, so I have a huge handgun to compensate for it. And, yeah, sometimes I'm worried I'll just, you know, get that applause out and make myself

feel so good that I just give up. Yeah. Too much applause, you know. That's true. That is true. It's a dangerous thing. It's a dangerous thing, positive reinforcement. We can't give people too much. You know, in Hogsface, Yusudor and Chutney are kind of like the local government now. Like, we've been put in charge of Hogsface and all of the evil minions, the Dark Lord, like you're here. Congratulations. Thank you so much. We're trying to figure it out. We're trying to do the best we can for Hog's face. And I just think that like, it seems like it's a good thing for you to have

that applause gun, just for us. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you wanna keep it so you can applaud us. Just in case you need to applaud the government. I'll protect you. Yeah, oh great, fantastic. Also, I ran into the bar here, and I got you, I don't know if you know this,

for a million minutes, or serves a killer Cabernet for this attractive young lady. You might say it's a death cab for QD. Oh, thank you. Okay, drink up, enjoy. I will. I'm gonna just dip my beacon in. That's fine, right?

Yeah, of course. Because you know. I've been loving all of these. Arnie, look. She dips her beacon to it. She pulls back. And then a few seconds later, she dips forward again dips her beak into it. She pulls back and then a few seconds later She dips forward again dips her beak in pulls back and she just keeps going back. It's like a perpetual motion It's very relaxing to watch you do that. Thank you. Oh, that's fantastic once I start drinking. I can't stop it is true

Oh boy, I'm the same way. Oh, yeah, fuck me in my snakebarks that is how I live is yeah binge-dinky. Patty! What are your pants? My parents. Yeah, they're still together. Are they still even alive? I don't know how long cockatrices live. Are they? Are they attractive? My parents and their day were very attractive. But as you know, we're janky dragons, so we don't last quite as long. Cockatries has lived to be about 40 or 50 years old. Oh, yeah, it's not just a long time. And we're kind of solitary creatures.

We live in a, you know, coops that are next to one another, but you don't tend to cohabitate because it's really hard to live with someone and not give them a death stare. Yeah, yeah. So we tend to sort with someone and not give them a death stare. Yeah. So we tend to sort of hit it and quit it.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So my mom and my dad, they were two very attractive cockatrices who got together some time in the 70s. And actually, in order to become a cockatrice, it has to be a cox egg. So my dad laid me.

Oh, that's the sense that I'm too close with them. Yeah, because you know, but I get it, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a coca egg. Yeah. Eggs laid by the female coca-cogatrice just become chickens. Oh, okay. So you do you have a fair number of chicken siblings? I do have some. Yeah. So you do you have a fair number of chicken siblings?

I do have some. Yeah. Yeah, we're kind of estranged. You know, it's not a lot in common, probably. Yeah. It's up your heads. Yeah, we have our heads in common, but otherwise it's like they can't fly.

Yeah, they don't have a dust stare. Yeah, they don't have a dust stare. When you say it. They get up too early in the morning. Oh, well, well. So where do these cock eggs come? Do they, where do they come from? I don't understand how.

Well, I have his cock. I have his cock. Yeah, it's a cock. Yeah, it's not even a double entendre. It's just like, if you're a male cockatrice, you have a cock, and the egg comes out of your cock. Yeah, I got to say, that's got a ruin that cockat Yeah, I gotta say, that's gotta ruin that cock. Right.

I mean, I think ruin is a little bit hard. Loosen, maybe. Perhaps you just, you know, it's a part of the natural process. And maybe it doesn't go back to exactly the same shape, but I'm sure it's still beautiful. I would love to see that cock. Yeah, what's you say say maybe the diameter of your, your, your extreme to change slightly?

Do you, do you feel like your, your father was self conscious about his cock after giving birth to you? Definitely. A lot of male cockatrices lay that cock egg and then, you know, they feel like they have to take some time to get back in the game. Sure. Some of them have surgery to retighten.

Oh, yeah. That cock, you know, because it's like of them have surgery to retighten. Oh yeah. That cock, you know, because it's like you have to find a new mate. You're not gonna just stick with the old one because we don't really stay together. So it's like you got to stay attractive if you're male cockatries. Yeah, yeah, male cockatries that they have to keep that cock tight, you know. It's kind of a double standard. It's unfair, but it's like, hey, you get the pleasure of laying that egg. Yeah, so you should also have the pleasure of making yourself attractive again. Yeah, exactly. Can our next t-shirt be, keep that cocktail? Keep that cocktail. That's actually a great name for an emo band. That would be a six. Yeah, keep that cock tight

So, Patty, thank you so much for coming by I knew nothing about cock a try and now Now I I we know the cock a truth. I know the cock a truth Yeah, thank you guys. You can't kill the cock a truth. Thank you. Except you can kill cock a try with the death stare You can. Yeah. Handle the cock at the truth. And we're sure we don't want to steal the planes to the both of the Death Stairs. We're sure? Would you feel better about not having a Death Stair if no one else had a Death Stair? That's a real catch-22 because I feel like Death Stairs are what makes the world so beautiful because it gives some people something to strive for. Yeah. If you took away the Death Stair then would there even be good in the world? That is so...

Would there be life without a Death Star? Oh man. Oh, Arnie, do you have a Catch 22's on Earth? Uh, there's a book called Catch 22 on my World. What does Catch 22 mean on Finn? That's when you have, you know, so many thoughts at once. Usually around 20 to 22 that you try and kind of catch them all to digest them. Oh wow.

To really process them. But it's really impossible to do. It's very, very difficult. It's pretty well loopy. You can catch at least 21 thoughts at once, but 22 is like the last number you can. And if you catch 21, then you're forever stay that age. Forever 21? I'm going to go throw this salsa garbage.

The last thing I wanna do is get you to throw back into doing salsa, but he seems so bummed about it. Patty, is there any cure for the creative death stare or the death stare in general? You know, it's a permanent thing. He has to find something new. Oh, okay. He has to make it new again.

He has to make peace with it. Yeah, it's sad to say, but I think his salsa days are over. Yeah. Sort of like if there was some kind of procedure he could have done to pull back his creative love for salsa and shoot a laser into it and make it so that he could do that again. Maybe he should just instead come to terms with fact. That's not there. Keep that creative cocktail. I have an email here. Wait, Patty, have you killed John's ability to do segways? I think you death stared away his ability to do a segway. No, I've never been able to do that. Oh, yeah, that's true. You're right. Can't kill something that was never born. I'm an email here from Lily. This is the Chun at Gmail.com. That's Chun with 60s.

Lily says, hey team, how's it going? I've recently taken on baking and I feel like I've hit a recipe wall. Would you should or be so kind as to tell us his favorite cake recipe? So Lily's creatively out of ideas for cakes Okay, you sure would you yeah, yes, I like baking cakes. I mean, I love baking cakes Do you have a interesting cake recipe for Lily? Yes take 17 eggs eight pounds of flour put them all into a bowl, put a gallon of milk in there, put also a little bit of sugar, a little bit of cinnamon, a little bit of clove, and then mix it

all together. Pour it all over your oven, and then you'll have a cake in the shape of your oven. your oven and then you'll have a cake in the shape of your oven. There you have it, great. Patty, is the desk you're purely a visual thing or could it be sent like over an audio format? I could someone listening to this podcast be in danger of losing a creative drive to do something? Just by listening to the sound of my voice. Just by listening to the sound of your eyes.

The sound of your eyes. Holy shit, that's the name. That's the name. That's the sound of your eyes. I have to not look in the mirror for the next 15 years and really make this happen until I'm selling out stadiums. Maybe you didn't kill your desire to be an emo band. Maybe you were just waiting for the right name. The perfect name. Yeah, guys.

It's time to stop death staring and start life staring. Get dizzy, life staring. Guys, this is really honestly beautiful. Yeah, life's tearing. Guys, this is really, honestly, beautiful. Yeah, Patty. Yes. Next time we see you, we expect to hear a full album's worth of solts. I look forward to meeting you guys with closed eyes. Yeah, absolutely. Closed eyes, closed hearts, can't lose.

It's your closed eyes, closed hearts, can't lose. Closed eyes, closed hearts, can't lose. Considering the sexual innuendo, how we got through that episode without the phrase Cockatrice Company is a minor Christmas miracle. Used all the wizard was played by Mat Young, with his usual level of series search the source for variations on not good enough and insert the meanest. Chant the Badger was played by Adel Rafaia. Did you spot the moments when Adel stopped thinking of wordplay enough to actually listen?

Trick question there weren't any. Patty the Cockatrice was played by special guest Laura Gray. When Laura's not appearing as a citizen journalist on Comedy Central's The Opposition with Jordan Klepper, she enjoys keeping things nice around the house, putting together fun outfits in front of her three-way mirror, cross-ditching inspirational slogans on tea towels, and hailing a cab to come punch me in the face. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekcamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover.

This episode edited by Chris Rathchin. I'll take it from here, Mr. Fitzgerald, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, additional LadiOfx by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Well, the holidays are creeping up, but a River Man's work is never done. We'll have a brand new Winter Solstice episode of a low-form the Magic Tavern debuting Christmas Day, and it's a special one too, with guests and songs and good-willed all Foon's creatures.

If you'll be traveling this holiday season, may I recommend a steamboat, and may you recommend this podcast to all your friends and family. It's the perfect companion on a day spent stuck in traffic, or at an airport, or on a disgusting steamboat. Don't forget to visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op, and thanks to Ear Wolf. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf.