Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 51 - Squibbert

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

Squibbert the frog returns with an important message from the Dark Lord. That’s assuming we can focus up enough to hear it. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSquibbert: Sarah ShockeyChest Trünkborn: Travis McElroyTalbot the Badger: Tugs the BadgerDearest Scooter: Drew AckermanMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free, on Wondering Plus. Ugh, I am emotionally exhausted. Well, serves you right for getting that invested in RuPaul's Drag Race.

I-I don't know about this. Greg, come on! This could work! Okay, okay. Hey, could you two move your scheming away from the microphone? Or at least activate the Scheme filter? These seem to be the coordinates, is this right? Hmm, this week the signal seems extra erratic.

I realize that's like saying Alex Garland is being extra philosophically opaque. Well, there's nothing for it now, in we go! Oh, too sad to hear. But then I said to him, watch where you're going. Oh, too sad to hear. I'm so glad I spent the week getting to know you better. I feel like that was just a magical retreat, literally and figuratively. Yes, and we destroyed the wall that was holding up the Dark Lord's minions in the golden town of Drem.

Yes, it was full to the Brem. Ah, the best of friends, you're my best friend. You're my best friend. I made you this bracelet that signifies our friendship. A friendship bracelet? Mm-hmm. Oh, I've never received a wonderful gift. Oh!

Yours has a BF and mine has an F. And when we put them together, it says FFB. Friends! has enough and when we put them together it says FFB Friends phone friends baby I also got you these sweatpants, but on the butt say juicy. Oh nice. Thank you Can I put the get those on right now give me a second I'm gonna I Got my robes into those I really see my butt there like that. Yeah, what do you think juicy? Yes Well, what's fear not I have not forgotten the and I have a gift for these well no you should have yes here you are It's a rock

Wow, I've heard of these. Yes. A magical rock. I mean, I can fly in my own volition. Mostly because- Oh, well then give that back. My crotch area is a glee. And a glee. But as a token of friendship. Oh, well then hang on to it. Yes.

Perhaps. You can gift it to someone else. Nope. I'll use it as a paperweight. Oh, even better. Oh, hey. Hey, you said, are you ready to start the podcast? Oh, I'm here too. You must not have paperweight. Oh, even better. Oh, hey. Hey, Ysador, are we about ready to start the podcast?

Oh, I'm here, too. You must not have seen me. Oh, jeez. Oh, I think I leaned on it because that the thing is right. Oh, Ysador, be very careful about my podcasting equipment. All right, it's from another world. Sorry, are you talking to me? Ysador, can you... Can I...

How dare you speak of my best friend in such a way. What? A Proud Fools is here? No, yeah. Well, my other best friend, a Proud Fools, who, of course, is gonna come hang out with me anytime now. No, I'm talking about Tussador. I believe we've met.

Of course, yes we have met. Tussador, please don't make me be rude to your face. Honestly? It's not worth the trouble, man. Oh, uh, Tucador, as good a friend as we are. We're about to start the podcast. Chant, say no more, say no more. Chant's coming over with some drinks, say no more. Today's Rex Manning Day. What? I don't know what-

I don't get that- I don't, yeah, I'm not gonna add, I don't wanna, I'm not gonna get pulled into that. Ah, Chant! Thank you for bringing some refreshments over to the table for us. Mmm, bloodfarts? Whuh, chunt. What? First of all, how many times do I have to say it? Save it for the podcast. If you've got a wife recording? If you know it well, I mean, I guess I'm gonna cut all of this stuff out.

You should get to the good part because there should never be anything before the parlor I explain do you not like blood farts is a new catchphrase? Blood farts no one my favorite either. I thought it's kind of catchy. Yeah, it's sort of gross And it's something we can all relate to Something we can all relate to but No guys no You said or both you started are you both having blood farts? What did someone say blood farts?

Two, sir. Yes, everyone said blood farts at this point now Get a good part of the show. Oh, I better head up. Yes. Okay. All right Good bye, miss Freddie. Okay. Got all right before me rock it You got it good in his own and you got this just take ownership Does that make sense? Yes, two so are two ownership two so make sense. Yes, it does make sense. Oh Go ahead get it started All right Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I forgot somebody Mayor Manana man. Oh man Manana. Yes. Okay guys. Is everybody before Mundle starts can we all shit off?

Where's one more thing? I forgot to, I have, I bought all these bananas to put amongst Mayor Manana, so he feels like he's amongst friends, but I need to tally them. Tally me banana? Yes, I have to tally me bananas. Oh, there, can you grab that, tally man? You sure, can you grab the tally man?

Tally man! Tally man, tally me bananas! Come, I don't, I fool. And this is tally man. Sometimes I feel like I mostly get how the grammar works in this world, but then other times, they're just like weird exceptions to some of the rules. Did someone say grammar?

No. What if my favorite thing's to talk about is southern grammar? Don't be a negative, Nelly. Is it getting hot in here? You know what, I've decided. I'm sorry, Tuesday door, yous useador, shunt, y'all. Oh, Talbot's here. Hello Talbot. Where have you been? Talbot.

Talbot. That's a very true Talbot. He's been in Garoon. Wow. You so succinctly described where you've been over the last year or so. Well, we're glad to have you back. Well, you know what, Talbot? I still love you, but I'm kind of annoyed with Yusador and Shunt, and I just always hate Yusador. What is that? A farting peach? Where's the farting peach bin? And Gorgeous? What? This is a cavalcade of guests.

And Gorgeous? What? This is a cavalcade of guests? Uh, fully we could have had these for our third anniversary. Look, you know what, guys? No podcast this week. What? No, it's like... It's just...

No, no, no, come on, say the thing, say it, say it. No! Say it? No, I'm not gonna... Look, deep into my eyes. No, I'm not gonna look... Look, deep into my eyes, Ordled. You shall say the words that begin the podcast.

You shall say the words that begin the podcast. You shall say the words that begin the podcast. You shall say the words that begin the podcast. You shall say the words that begin the podcast. you shall say the words that begin the podcast. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of phone. This is Evergun. You can't perfect. If you've never listened to the podcast before, don't worry.

This is everything you need to know. About three years and two weeks ago, I felt there was a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. If you're familiar with Chicago, it's the one of the intersection of this earth-boss timing already's in her head. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the to have earned a million minutes here in the tavern of the Vermilion Minotaur and the Tana Hogs face in the land of Foon.

And I'm on as always by my co-host. Sean the Talking Badger. Mmm, bloodfarts. Oh, Sean. You're always. Is that a new catchphrase? I feel like I've always been saying it in my head. Really?

Yeah. Always? Yeah, I feel like it's something that's just stuck in my crawl. Do you have that... I've got blood parts stuck in your crawl? Why? Where else would they be? Why did you ask him if that was a new catchphrase?

I thought we just talked about it. They're my cross-base. That got... That was prep... You know what, there's no podcast! I'm not doing it podcast, because you were just said the thing. No, what do I do? Look into my eyes. Who no one doing to my eyes

Continue the podcast with zeal continue the podcast with zeal Hello from the magic tavern not from the beginning You know, I know podcast this week. Oh come on., you guys, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just having it, okay? And Talbot, I'm very excited to see you. Thank you. I was worried about you. Wait, what? D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- I love you. I am kid Yusidor, not a wizard, master of nothing, devour of bread, the elves know me as they don't know me, the dwarves know me as, who's this we're talking about and I am known in the northeast as I am not known in the northeast.

I taught him that. One secret name though, I'll never know. Is Northeast. I taught him that. One secret name though. I'll never know. His birth name. My birth name. Oh. Yep, back into my hat. Bye-bye.

Kid use the door most... Shark jumping his character. What you're like, no, you know what? I'm just, I'm sorry! Like, I love all of you, but this is just too much. No podcast, I'm gonna go sit in my camp. Here you go. Ah yeah, I'm gonna go sit in my camper. Where'd you go? Oh yeah, man, what's up? Hey, Arnie's not gonna do the podcast.

What? I know. Oh man, that makes me hungry for pizza, yeah! I don't know what I was expecting. Look, I'm gonna just have some quiet time in my canary. And if you guys can just respect my space, I'm gonna be in there, okay? Alright, fine. Well...

Chant, we could- we could do the podcast with that. A light is on. Didn't we do that already? These couple times. Well, I'd like to introduce, uh... I guess this week, of course, a squibbit! Welcome back, squibbit! What's up, y'all? What a little very good and I don't know if you've had the best.

I'm sorry, where's Arnie? He's in his... He's like the main guy. He's in his toyota, he's... You see, he crashed his vehicle through the wall the other day and now he's just sitting in the front seat. Oh I thought that was like a trendy decoration. It sort of has become that, yes.

You know, like this is, you know, one kind of those restaurants where they come over in the short skirts, like what are y'all having? Oh, I love that when they're rude to you. Oh, little sassy. It's like the kind of restaurant where it's like, yeah, if you slap me in the face,

I can legally can't do nothing about it, you know? I like places like that. Hell yeah, and you can throw peanut shells on the floor. Yeah. I'm gonna start doing that here Hey, nobody got an allergy to that, you know, oh don't throw them too close to chest trunk board They chest trunk board. How are you doing? Hey, man? Don't great just trying to follow the episode. This one's kind of spiraling

Well, let's all wave it on me and maybe I'll come back over Oh, well, let's hold Wave at Arnie and maybe he'll come back over. Can you wave a- Hey! Can we wave? Hello, hey! Arnie, we know. Roll down- roll down that window. Arnie.

Why is he saying honk instead of honkings horn? Arnie, it's your best little frog friend. Look, squibbets here. Oh, hey squibbets! Hey, Arnie. How you doing? You hot boxing in there. Uh, almost done.

Check for blood. Are y'all doing OK? I know. I'm doing fine, apparently. I get a little ping every time anybody says bloodfarts, and I've just been like, dancin' over here. Get a little magical ping. It's like, you know.

You seem all revved up. Yeah. Just trying to make it just catchphrase for us, which I, while I appreciate the creative process, it feels a little gross to me. It's gonna have mixed reviews with the frogs. I tell you what, there's certain phrases that we get a little magical every time.

Blood Farts, you know, drink butts, captain hats, captain hats is rough. When you're by the sea, that's all they say. It is very true. And that was just one that he set up a while ago because Dark Lord was just really feeling captain hats. Oh, so he makes that happen to you. Yeah, it's like it's like when you set a reminder for yourself, you know, you've you've got those magical pebbles that kind of like rocks. Yes. Well, you know, but if they're small and they clink around in your pocket when you say

something or hear something or feel something. Very true. It's all we all have the same magical knowledge. Yet another reason to feed the Dark Lord, to free the frogs from the prison that they have been putting in. Well, you know, and that's presumptuous. These phrases that cause them great pain. Yeah, I shall fight back on behalf of the frogs. Fear not frogs. I am your champion.

Next thing you know, he's going to be starring in like a frog movie like I'm gonna tell the frog story Oh, I'd watch that like a princess in a frog, but like oh, I'm the wizard play in the frog It's like yeah, you know wizard's always want to play the frogs. No, he's not his frog playing the role You know exactly yeah exactly why don't you ask me if I like the pings? Do you like the pings? I love them They're a little bit sensual. Ooh. Oh, sorry. I suppose that was a bit presumptuous.

Now, it sounds like you're still in the employee of the Dark Lord, then. Oh, yeah, I had a little vacation for a while. I just kind of put in my notice when I feel like it. And then, oh, please come back, Squidward. You're the best. You always do the thing. Wait, this is where I should probably inject some amount of Arning.

Could you say that last line again? Oh, what I say. Oh, you're so great. You're the best at, you know, doing the whole job. Oh, so they say that you're the best at doing the whole job? Yeah, I'm the best at doing the whole job. You're the best at doing the whole job. The whole job that the Dark Lord assigns out.

Doing the whole job. I just thought that was good. Yeah, because... doing the whole job. The whole job that the dark Lord of Science out. Doing the whole job. I just thought that was good. Yeah, I could do in the whole job. I got the whole job in my whims. I got the whole. Is that what you call these pads? My sticky fingers. I think you would know best.

Had I. I don't want to. I don't want to label for it. Yeah, you don't want to speak for the frog. Enough people do that. I tell you what, enough people speak for the frog. I'm supposed to do it. And I apologize because it appears I did just that

but a moment ago, which was very rude of me. Can I ask you, I don't need to double down on the root. I recently put my foot in my mouth with Raven and a crow and mixing those two up. What is the difference between a frog and a toad? Oh, toads just bump here. There you go. Frog smooth, toad bumpy, but we have no problems

between the species. Okay, species. Species, because we're special. Oh, you know. Special species. Exactly. Special species. You know, you can't have, yeah,

oh, that felt good. Now, I don't know if you know everything that's been going on here in Hogsface. Well, you know everything that's been going on here in hogs face Well, I know everything that's been going on everywhere you always do old news But for the listener sake I shall repeat I shall do some Arnie work here Well, you know and I know but do they know exactly Well, you see Even though I

Seat defeat that dark Lord currently have a tr, and I am working to make hogs face better, long with Arnold and long with Chunt, and in this way, you currently sort of work for us. Yeah, I work for you in the way that a pilot works for the plane. that a pilot works for the plane. Good oak, oak, I don't quite understand that. Like a dimensional plane. The plane doesn't pay the pilot's salary. The pilot just kind of uses the plane to get somewhere. Load a dimensional plane, pay someone to be in it. Because that's, we don't have a choice.

We're in the plane. We're flying from one plane to the next. And we pay for it. Some people are captains and some people are riding in the back. Of the dimensional Tom space. Huh, I'm gonna mentally digest that for a week and get back to you. Thank you for that food for the fun. You know, and if you don't get back to me, it's not gonna be the biggest deal in the world.

Well, it is part of our job here. We've tasked some of the formerly, a part in the derogative term, evil minions of the Dark Lord with certain tasks. And what did I ask you here today to do a particular task for us if you were able, then will you? I got nothing else to do for the next. Quante-five Quinions.

No, that's a long time. Yeah. Yes, er... a long time. Yeah. Yes, errr. I set my own sketch. That's nice. That's a nice thing. I often feel a lot of presser to do certain things on a certain schedule. And if I don't get to them, I feel very guilty. And then I put it off a little more and a little more on the procrastination toth grow. I like a very tumor within my mind. Oh, how the procrastination does begin to unwind my mind and drive me to the brink of madness!

You ever get that? You know, wizards are real guilty race. It's very true. It's very true. We were hoping that you could perhaps, uh, yourself and perhaps some other frogs and totes, do a little bit of the street cleaning. Oh, that's not in our, that's not even close to in my pay grave. Just like pick up a twig or something.

You know, what are you all doing sitting around? As far as I know, you haven't done anything that anybody's asked you to do. Well, we've tried to be quite. You can at least pick up a couple leaves if the leaves are bothering everybody. We've been passing around a mayor sash, which is taken up a lot of bandwidth as Arnie would say. Oh, was it the leaves in the road that made him crash his car? No, no, no, no. Was the street sport clean enough? We were attacked by

the word of zombies. Yeah. Oh, you think I don't know? Well, here's the thing. I'm very wrapped up in this zoning issue. We're trying to move the zone from four feet to the left, to three feet to the left, previously it was five feet, but we decided to reconfigure that it'd district to be one foot smaller if it passes the first three votes on the council, but the council has to convene twice daily until all the votes are met, and I have to have a quorum of the council, I can't be the full council, or a part of the council. Hey guys, you know, I'll listen to you, is it or, guys, I was sitting in my car, and I had a blood fart, which I'm sorry, I mean, you know, so you're on board.

Well, first of all, I get it, and I'm sorry for what you've been through. Apologize, I think. What did you have again? I had a blood fart. Whew. You doing all right? Yeah, oh yeah, better than you would even possibly think. She's doing great.

Yeah, well, I'm sure you don't better than me. You never said I was a blood fart. You never said on a bare rock, and then there's just a little bit of an earthquake, and it was already hot out. It felt like that just happened to me recently. Yeah. Well, Squidward, I'm so excited to see you. I'm sorry. Oh, you too. Thanks for coming out of your freaking box.

Yeah, well, it's a car from my world and I was sitting in there and I had the thought it's been so long since I sat in my car. I should have a road trip. Road trip? A road trip? Yeah. Well, my a road trip? Yeah. Well, my car is out of gas. It doesn't move anymore, but it's still fun to hang out in my car.

Squipper, you could have a road stay. Wait, let me grab your phone. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right, that website you told me about I am Dibi. Says that road trip is a movie starring DJ Quals. Is that what you're talking about? Is that really what it says at the top? That's the first result. I mean, I'm sure there've been a lot of changes probably to IMDB Like over the years. It's probably not as why would it use that used to me?

DJ Qualls at the top of that said it's use the stars that wrong. I mean Well, sometimes you get in here and as far as we know from our research, Earth technology gets a little mixed down. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Squivery, you get a few too many pinks. You know what? You know what? There's that Captain's Hat convention going on.

Oh, what's it? You want... It's like six miles away, but it's coming for me. Yeah, don't say captain's hat. Can I be honest with you? Or do. Yeah, since you left a few minutes ago and used to where I were since I've been gone,

since you've been gone, the podcast has been going at a breakneck speed. Like we need you to like really ground it and kind of grind it to a halt. Yeah, oh, sure. Well, do you need me to do something like clearly establish that Yes, whoever is a talking frog. That's what it is. Yes works for the dark Lord

We don't know what's magical and what's not we live this. This is our lives, you know and in your Sunnors voice like we need that deep base and we need that metronome of consistency sure all about that base I think people got that all about that base. I think people got that all from context clues. I mean, eventually, I just felt like I felt like it was getting so fucking bonkers. It felt like it kind of felt like you just remember that time we went to that cabin in the woods and at the end of our stay at the cabin in the woods. We let all those creatures out of their cages and they ran amuck.

That's what it felt like, just kind of bonkers and break next speed. Can I just say real briefly, you have all these context clues and grounding and everything, but not once is any of you made an assumption that maybe people do know who I am. They knew who I am the whole time. I've been doing this for a long time. And that maybe like, I don't know, I'm doing pretty good.

People know me as one of the big frogs, you know? I agree, every year, you're the primary frog, I think of. Can you guess? You're one of the most famous frogs in all of Foon. I mean, you make it look easy. Because I'm the only frog you talk to. And I assume one of the most famous frogs on Earth.

Who's some famous frogs from Earth, aren't I? Yeah. Well, there's a very famous talking frog that's part of the little rascals. His name is froggy That's the most famous one. Let me check IMDB. Yep checks out. Yeah, but I I stand corrected I I didn't think frogs could speak on your world I mean we have a frog here that can't say a dang word, but you know We have to employ him his name's Krimit Krimit. Yeah

Oh, that's Cremet the Frog. Arnie, it says Little Rescue was a recent movie starring DJ Kuals. What is going on with IMDB? Is DJ Kuals like a known big deal in your land? I mean, he's a tall deal. Ooh, tall deals are paying for me. I don't know why he set that up. It's all a deal, Captain Z. Ooh, ooh, ooh. What's a DJ, Coles? I don't know. We're where to begin. Well, regardless, it's good to have you back, Arnie.

I'm glad you're at the car. Thank you. And Squidward, as much as your evil, I'm excited to see you. Aren't you sure not evil? I'm just kind of, I'm doing the work. Yeah. You know, if that makes me evil, then sign me up

for the evil cruise. How's it been working for the Dark Lord Dish? I mean, okay, so I won a vacation for a while. I got real in touch with like, I used to be real afraid of death. I'm not anymore. Oh no, is that good or bad? I mean, probably good. Anyone less anxiety is one less anxiety.

Y'all ever heard a re-internation? I've heard of it. You die, you find out you have another shot and you go yeeha, hell yeah. I like that re-internation. Yeah, there's all clubs people talking about. Oh, you know, you'll have a tadpole and it'll be like, I didn't use to be a tadpole,

you'll be like, what did you use to be? Oh, I used to be a centaur, and you're like, we didn't even tell you what that was. Re-internation. Do you ever have a feeling of like, oh in a past life I was a tadpole. No way that was this life. That was when I was a baby. Oh yeah, because they'll regress you a little bit. Regress you. What they do is they put you in your own little pile of grass and then you shut your eyes for a while. And you're like, oh well, a past life, I used to be, you know, shopping at the Willymart. No, that was two weeks ago.

Yeah, I mean, I experienced that all the time with all the different, you know, animals and memories. These are called memories that I've been. Yeah, exactly. And then I remember, no, that was this life, but that's still the reason that I don't eat beef. Well, I have lived for over three centuries. So things that are memories to me seem so long ago. And then something that happened just recently can also seem far away, but something that happened 200, 250 years ago can be as poignant and as strong

and as visceral as the moment it happened. Wow, what makes those memories especially visceral and poignant? Is it like a hat that a guy in a boat wears? It's usually hat-related, yes. But like, what can? Captain's hat. Yeah. She was fishing for that.

What am I talking about? I eat beef all the time. I just ate a plate of beef tits. Are you asking me what are you talking about? Oh, you said that's why you donate beef. I didn't think you said don't eat beef. Did I say that at this table? I feel like you're using them. Do you think you said don't eat beef. Did I say that at this table? I feel like you don't eat beef or don't eat

Guys, I think I just figured this podcast out. I think we're all hard of hearing We're hard of hearing no. I feel like we have plenty of hearing all this time None of us are just fully understanding what each other is saying. I don't think that's true It's not hard for me to appear at all. Well, Squibber, I'm just excited to see you. Well, I wish I could say the same for you all, but I did have- What?

Squibber, charm. I mean, okay, I'm excited personally, but I did come with a Mimo. What's a Mimo? Well, first I lost it. I had to find my Mimo. And then I got here. It's from the Dark Lord.

Okay. The Dark Lord? It's from the Dark Lord okay the Dark Lord the dark Lord the door thing I can be right back you're onto something here what John where did you go to take care of something I'm sure I don't know sometimes he seems a bit entitled He shows up to parties and brings smoothies for everyone and everyone's like we don't want to homemade smoothie at a party It's like well that's doorclord. Yeah Dark Lord sent me oh your boss. Yeah, y'all aren't really keeping to the terms of the truth I hate to break it to you. What do you mean?

Well, I don't think I'm breaking it to you for the first time. You know what you're doing. You're zoning laws. You're wasting time. I haven't seen any of y'all pick up one weapon today to even go, hey, is this the weapon that destroys the void? Fine, fine.

I shall do it. I'm gonna rip up this floor board right here. You should, ah! Ah! It just ripped the tavern apart. Yeah, here's a sword right under the floorboard. What? There's a sword just under that floorboard? Sword, here's the maiden.

Y'all are looking. Fog or remister, something like a mystical sword. That's kind of cool. Yes, sir. Wait, can you actually hurt anything with a mist sword? I don't know. I'll have to examine it a little bit. Uh, here. Hey, bro, nice board sword.

Thank you, thank you very much, Tussador. Already made you this bracelet. Now I'm remembering why I didn't want to do this episode. Yours says BF and mine says F. It's for blood-fart friends. Because I heard about your blood-fart. Well, just, what is this on this bracelet? This blood?

Take it sleazy. Take it sleazy. I think something's wrong with my hearing. But your hair looks great right now. Now look, all right, I did it, I did it, I killed him. What, no, shunt. He was reading and he was harmless, but I... Did you kill the Dark Lord?

No, of course not, wink. Oh, shunt. I'm gonna have to report this. How can we judge Squibbert for working for the Dark Lord when you keep killing people? And you work for the Dark Lord? Well, technically we're in it. We don't want to... You're independent contractors of the Dark Lord. Look, I...

Dark Lord. Look, I know. We made an agreement with the Dark Lord after he is in prison all of Hogsface that he would leave us here in Hogsface to find the weapon at the middle of the tavern that would defeat the Void which is an enemy that is can destroy Earth and Foon. Which might be this Miss Sword. No, because you got that from the left.

It's the middle. That's the left of the tavern. Oh, it's he's supposed to be in the middle. Yeah, he just said in the middle of the tavern y'all are looking left right up down. It's true. We've been looking all over the periphery of the tavern. We haven't been looking in the middle of the tavern. Wait look up, look down, look up, look down, look left, look right, look left, look right. Select something, start a conversation, select something, start a conversation. Hey, babe. Start a conversation, select something, start a conversation. Eh?

Beep. So, squimbert! Squimbert! Who's that? Isn't that her name? Squimbert! Everyone, everyone stop, put down your drinks. Everyone don't touch your drinks.

Okay. I just found out something. Uh-oh, is this gonna be about bloodfarts? No. No, it's not. It's about why we're acting so fucking bonkers. You mean today or forever? What's with today today? Listen, someone behind the bar, there's a monster bartender, and he served as one of his energy drugs.

I think the only cure for this is that everybody has to lick me. Squirrry, are you doing alright? I just thought maybe it'd be a fun idea if everybody licks me kind of like clears their head. You know you go on a magical trip if you take a lick of a frog. Fine, I'll get us started. I mean, I've done it too many times. No, no, no, I'm using it, are you gonna get all high on squibber? Look at his eyes, they're like twinkly. We're toxins, oh no.

Graham, I'm the... What? Scrum, I'm the... What? Scrum them. God, I hope you're the one that's high. Scrum them, yeah. Oh, that's close. It's one of the backwards. He is one of the backwards ones.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in the black lodge or something. Tomorrow when you have me... Squibbert, when you want to take me... He's saying Paul is dead. Oh, Paul's dead. Wait, was he the door-cler's saying Paul is dead. Paul's dead. Wait, we'll see the doorclad. Yeah. Yeah, he's dead.

Oh, Squiver, when you were on vacation, did you get your groove back? Is that what's going on? A little bit. I'll tell you what, I had a lot of six. Really? Yeah. Is that what groove constitutes?

I mean, it's a couple things. If you're having six and it's not good, then you're not grooving. If you're not having six and you're chilling out, you're grooving. You can't classify everything as sex or not sex. Groove or not grooving. So, Arnie, when you say you're grooving on the Sunday afternoon, which I say all the time.

Ah! Ah! Use it or stop pulling all the boards above the floor. Squat it out. Wait, there's a staff. There's some sys. There's out. Wait, there's a staff, there's some siren, there's a broadsword there, there's... I have found weapons.

Weapons. I am. Yeah, we know there are weapons everywhere. This place is fucking full of weapons. That's why we stop looking so hard, because like literally look, I'm gonna look, like behind this painting. Well, here's a weird axe. That is a weird axe. It's called literally look, I'm gonna look behind this painting. Well, here's a weird axe.

That is a weird axe. It's called a wax. Now I look, I don't know all the portman twos of this world. I found a wax. If you were adding a portman to, what do you wear on your head? Captain's hat. Ooh. Hey, I know everyone's hard of hearing.

Did you hear me say the thing about the monster energy drink? Yeah, that explains it. We've all got energy. Then can you all stop drinking? because you've been chugging? Well, okay, y'all. Okay, I'll try to chill. You just need to take a deep breath. A monster! A monster behind the bar!

Her! I shall take this sword made of mist, and I shall strike it down! Prepare to face Yusudor Monser! My rats tell me you're undoing! You know, so many emails ask us if we take drugs we're gonna do this podcast and this time we can say yes. I'm sorry, I'm freaked out by that X. Die, Monster!

It's a weird axe. If you keep your eyes not quite on it, but you can see it out of the side of your eye, it crawls. Oh, and everyone's my eyes. Guys, we keep getting distracted from the important stuff, all right? We're going all over the place. That's why I'm here.

We've got to focus up on the important things that we talk about on this podcast. Squibbert, I don't know how frogs have sex. No! Hello, those are my juicy pants! Let me ask you a question. Sure. Is there one way that humans have sex? I mean.

Or is there, hmm, I don't know, maybe numbers 1 to 69 as far as I can understand from stories that I've heard, and I don't know if you know this, but I'll listen real good. It's my job. Look, squibbert. Just because there's a way that humans have sex called 69, it's not like a category. What do you want? There are 69 ways that humans have sex. There are like four, and then there are like three more that we talk about.

If you're born, there are literally 69 ways that frogs can get down and then another 11 to 18 after that. And they're all slippery and they all involve panises and vaginians. Did someone say my name? I mean at some point, where are your juicy sweat paint? Get out of here, penis. No. It's so fun that he responds to that. I guess so.

Look, I know I'm sorry. I keep getting distracted. Don't frog just like jizz on each other's eggs or something? No. I mean, if that's what you're into, like, don't humans, you know, create little, this looks like a foot, but it has a vaginion in the heel. You know, it's different, strong for different frogs. You think frogs, she is on eggs? I don't. Is that what you do?

No, I just unleashed. Oh, this is my moons over my hammy, this is my squeeze over my Sammy. To use it on, out of my hat, together we shall defeat this monster together. Whatever you say dad, I love you. I love you too! I just feel bad they're harassing that nice bartender with the big red furry paws. Is it possible that something's wrong with the listener right now? Like maybe the listener's having some kind of episode. Hey, are you doing this? Hank. Hank, you're high. You are too high. You are too high.

You Hank are too high. Hank, I want you to sit down. Hank, calm down. We don't want to turn this into one of these things where you realize this is all a dream. I want you to breathe and just hold on. Everything is going to be all right. Everything is real. This is your true man show. How do you feel the peace that it alluded you for so long? I just looked up the man show on IMDB and it's a comedy central talk show starring DJ Kuala and Adam Karola. Karola like your car. My car's a camera. What a weirdly accurate mistake.

Accura. A car that DJ calls drives. The inner piece you've searched for so long. Finally here for you, Hank. Breathe it in. Feel it. Release the tension in your body. As you sink back into your chair and finally. Finally, you can sleep. body, as you sink back into your chair and finally, finally,

you can sleep. Let your heavy lids close, and let the thoughts of the day wipe away. Do we have any emails? I have an email here. Of course, you can reach me at chant at gmail.com. That's channel of 60s. This says a request for Yucidor. I'm so hungry.

Can Yucidor send me a vegan food meal? A vegan food meal. I'm not sure what that means. A vegan food meal. Well, I suppose there would be have to be something that doesn't have any uh, dairy or eggs or meat in it. I know it have to be from our world. No eggs, so can't you zone them? No, apparently not. And vegans not slang for virginian? Not that I'm aware of, but who knows? These earth people, they're very strange. Yes, I shall send you a celery stick with the levings of a frog on it.

Panyan butter. There you go, Alexis. You get your vegan food meal. I also have another email, this is from Kyle Coleman. What it do, Chuchu? I'm listening to the episodes in order from the beginning because I'm not a psychopath. Oh, that's good. So forgive me if this question is dated, but I've noticed you doing that inflection thing a lot more when you talk ever since you became Badger King. Chunts up with that. Since he was a year's Kyle, I think he means this. Do I do that a lot? What's this? He said some sort of inflection. Yeah, then you have like

inflection. Do I have a speech impediment? I ain't sometimes you do go up the end of your sentences, but we all do that, but sometimes. Or is the listener just imagining it? You'll probably just imagine it. It's okay. All around me are familiar faces worn out places. Squibbert, you know, I was thinking since, you know, we've been able to sort of chill out a little bit and calm the listener down and honestly any listener now is probably asleep and I would imagine that that would include the dark lord. Probably safe for us to talk about anything we want to right now. We're in the safe space. I've been paying so many times. I can't even record anything for the next

gower to. Wow. So you just it's like you sometimes I shut off. It's sort of like in a spine movie where they turn on the shower except you're just turning on some butter. I'm turning on myself. Y'all are part of the problem, not part of the solution. So, okay, so now is the perfect time for me to ask, what are the dark lords' weaknesses? He can't always finish. That is a problem. That's like a very relatable weakness. It's stress, it's anxiety.

He would hate that I'm telling you this, but he'll get in his head, he'll be like, this is going really good, this is going really good. Is it going good? Is it going good? And then the other person or creature or being will feel it start to be on either side of whether or not he's going to finish.

And sometimes he do and sometimes he don't and when he don't usually another town goes to heck because I don't understand are we talking about eggs or are we talking we're talking about about war we're talking about whatever sauce you put on the eggs he can't always mix it up you should tell him to stop thinking about his grandma oh I'm never gonna be able to talk to him about that. I'm not, you know. Guys, who the fuck is the Dark Lord's grandma? And how do we get her on the podcast? You want to?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't use, I shouldn't use, shouldn't do you want to know about it? You don't know, I'm not. It's got a lot of like, closives in it, I might wake someone up. Do you want to know about the Dark Lord's grandma? Yeah. She's just a seed that grew into a tree that had lots of offspring. wake someone up. I still appear, and she'll tell you it exactly how to fix everything. So her tree drops some sort of dark seed.

Aren't you always saying one of the biggest villains on Earth is dark seed? Probably. But don't ask me any more questions about it. And that's why I travel through the land of food. Weak after week, month after month. Tap and every knot I can. 101, 102, 103. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you.

I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you.

I can't even count on you. I can't even count on you. My apologies. Relax. Listen to the sound of my telling. One banana. Two bananas. Daylight has come. Three bananas. We want to go home. One banana, two bananas, three bananas, sleeping so soundly. It seems I'm drifting off. The tally man, a chance to you you so that you rest so well. Since I want to do the credits, I'm not fighting it.

Not worrying about Craig and Trisha going through your things. Oh no, you're sleeping so deeply. Can't keep my eyes open. Oh, mysterious man, I have a bedtime story for you. How did this person even get up here? Because these are the words that end the podcast. These are the words that end the podcast. I feel like I'm taking a podcast survey.

These are the words that end the podcast. Well, this might work too well. Hmm, it is pretty soothing, I'll give you that. Most importantly, if you're listening into this broadcast, any mysterious people out there, remember Sarah Shaki, played Squibbert the smooth, famous, symphoon frog. And while Squibbert may work for the Dark Lord, remember Sarah has an awesome podcast, Marty and Sarah love wrestling, and the MLW radio network. You'll also remember tomorrow that Yuzador the Wizard was played by Matt

Young, who brought inner peace to Hank. Shout-in instead of internal choices. And Chant the Talking Badger was played by Antelrify. Infliction neither planned nor satisfying. Chess to trunk born, the mimic that looks like a treasure chest, was played by Travis Mackle Roy. Craig? Uh-oh. I'm too... ...relaxed now. I'll treasure down for a moment.

And as you drifted deeper into sleep and mysterious man, you'll remember that hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie and Evan Jacober. In this particular episode was edited by Chris Rath-Gen. And don't miss your chance to see Hello from the Magic Tavern live in LA, in April, in Indianapolis in August, during JenCon. You can get all the info you need by going to Hello from themagictavern.com and hitting the live shows tab.

But now I want to bring you deep into sleep mysterious man So Craig and Trisha don't have to worry about you getting back up ever again I want you to imagine yourself an acura with DJ calls the dark Lord's grandmother is at your side in a planter And the radio you hear the sweet tooth of a farting peach, a gorgeous saboteito, screams off in the distance, mysterious man. But the only mystery to you is who would be your best friend. Would it be Tuzador? Or would it be Kid of Useador? Under that magic hat. to the house. I merely a local bedtime storyteller named Scooter was getting a wapper junior kid and

beaten anyone out back behind the burger king and then I went to pick up this friendship bracelet and then they found myself in a space bunker. I was don't worry about that mysterious man, no don't worry about that, Mr. Eustman, no, don't worry about that at all. That's my problem to solve. And the only other reminder I have for you is that one of the dark Lord's weaknesses is the sleep with me podcast. And also I'll say goodnight for For now, mysterious man, don't worry about the trickiest standing above your bed staring at you. Just listen to Greg. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf.

Good night. you