Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 6 - Mouse

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

A little talking mouse named Momo joins us in the tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifGregor/Gianessa: Dana QuercioliMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTechnical Difficulties Witch: Shama JacoverProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's been a while, but I'm not to curse this episode with... ...Such a difficult thing! Very minor type of a difficult thing. Look, it's not my most co-used curse ever. It's really just the gas mic going out for a few seconds and... Oh, sure. You can still hear them on the other mic. So you don't miss anything, but still do. It's a totally noticeable technical difficulty.

I'm too tough, this is twice! For a grand total of 20 seconds or so of minimally just stricting. Technical difficulty! We can fear at the power of my curse. Hello from the magic tavern. Do your best to enjoy the show! Mwah! Ha!

Ah! The following podcast is not real. Real ones have year-long foreshadowed events that pay off. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. You've never listened to the podcast before. This is what's happening. Two years and a month or two ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, that magical land is being taken over by the Dark Lord. He's captured me and my co-hosts, he's forcing us to continue to do this podcast that I record every week, here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the prison town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon. I'm joined as always by my co-captive and co-host, Chant, the sheepshifter slash-talking badger. Did you know that Pumus is also a volcanic rock? Of course. Yeah, I'm still in a chapter of Ignace Rocks.

Yeah, you're really fascinated by this rock book. I just, you know, I wanted to just get away from your, of course, pun, and I'm learning a lot. You're just, like like week after week, you're really haunted by this, of courts. Mm-hmm. Also sitting in myself, I had an idea, and I don't know if you're gonna be on board with it,

but I don't know if I ever told you this one time, my father wrote a sort of solaceous story. Oh, wow. My dad wrote a porno. Mm-hmm. And I thought it might be interesting if fans, you know since we still can use your phone a little bit and get emails if Fans would maybe send in some Solace's stories about us some fan fiction. Oh

You can read it and you know be comforted in our in our solitary confinement. So So you are trapped in your cell and in your thinking, one thing I need to get me through, it's for our listeners to write dirty stories about us. They don't have to be dirty. Oh, no, they don't have to be dirty. Just sort of like fan fiction. Is that what you called it?

I guess so, but you said salacious. I said my dad wrote one that was salacious, right? Oh, I see Is just so unrelated. It can be done. Just write some stories about us You know we go on a picnic Dear listeners it's dark times in food were captives of the dark Lord Please write some food fiction Send it to us and will and chunt will read it in a cell at night and masturbate I

Didn't say it checks out right. What are you doing night and masturbate. I didn't say it, mackerel. Check it out, right? What are you doing your downtime? I just don't know, like I look out the window, walk around the room a little bit. What do you do in your uptime? Not the same. I'm also joined by my other co-host, Yusador the Wizard. I am Yusador.

I'm the twelfth-rightle-move-the-fusiest-master ofth riddle, more of the fusions, mass, earth, light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour, of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarucket's deals, for me it's fiendial, I like the doors, no use zoning exchanges, no no no these guys many as many as me, it's not on the maybe other secret names you don't know. I'm just saying like it would be nice to hear what people on earth, you know, can come up with in terms of what we might get up to. Yeah, so maybe we are on a picnic and maybe Yusidor, you know, changes into a majestic horse. And then we all ride him around and laughing and fronking in a field. I'm a gestic horse.

Mm-hmm. Oh. And we're laughing and fronking in the field and we just sort of roll around laughing and then suddenly we stop and we just look in each other's eyes. And just start banging. Just start banging guys, it writes itself. All you need about seven or eight senses, it's a whole story. I say we do a new segment, every show called banging buds. Bang. We read a little bit of this fan fiction.

And you see what we get up to. We see what we get up to if other people held the reins. Yeah, MasterBate Theater is just, we sit in our stuff chairs. We open the tome and say MasterBate Theater. Yeah, we have opened the box that we cannot close. That's a title of a one of the stories. I can tell, we've never had an idea that Yusudor has been more on board with. I love this idea.

Look, I don't want people to do this, but if it helps us to feed the Dark Lord, send them to chunk with six teas. Chunk with six teas of Gmail.com. Do not send them to Magic Tabernacle. Yeah, if he's that supplies. In the subject, make sure you put Banging Buds. Banging Buds, or it's a box. We've opened a box that we cannot close

And let's just see what we get up to yeah, shall we well now that we have if we can't live our full lives as captive prisoners You know at least we can read about all the tumful or we that we can get up to in people's minds Absolutely. I have an important announcement. Yes. I hope it's brought an egg From a bird they they give me food and I have a small stove in my cell and I am allowed to cook. And I was giving an egg. Oh, yum yummy. No, you don't understand. No, I don't understand. An egg. Egg time? What is there? Hold on.

Where do eggs come from? Birds. Yes. Oh, the birds are trying to help you. Wait, you don't eat it. What if it was a lizard egg? Where do birds come from? Eggs. Yes. Would you come first? Eggs, obviously. Yeah, checks out. They got us. Oh, said my name is three round letters that there be a round item that does give birth to the birds and lizards. That's like actually a pretty good answer. Yeah, thanks. I know. Well, that went over easy. Good yoke. Guys, of course you would say that. Of course, of course, guys, Giannazza, who is secretly one of the guards, gave me this book on glyphs. So I've been read, I've been trying to learn about glyphs because, you know, the Baron has those tattoos of glyphs and runes all over his body that explain the Dark Lord's plans. So if I can understand that stuff, maybe I can figure out how we can escape here and defeat

the Dark Lord. We already knew all that information. I know, but still, I like to explain things to you guys that you already know, especially when I'm first introducing the concept every episode. Oh wow, this is wonderful. If you learned to understand these glyphs, I could be no end to the things you could help me with. I not even just these tattoos that the Baron has cudd himself with, but there are many secret languages that I do study,

I runes in glyphs, and I do try to find new ways of defeating the Dark Lord and making all the food safe. Arnie, you would finally become an asset. Yeah, I'm excited to make an asset of myself. So you said, or do you pronounce it, glyphs? Glyphs. Because I've been reading the book, and I always thought it was glyphs, but then apparently the guy who created glyphs says it starts with a soft J sound. Really does in the sound right? Yeah, so he says it should be glyphs. But I swear I've always heard of Glyphs. Now it's Glyphs.

Why you say Glyphs? Because I used to know a guy named Glyph Gleven. Glyph Gleven? Glyph Gleven? Yeah. He used to come to the tavern all the time. Just be sitting in the corner. He thinks he knows so much about Glyphs.

Just because his name is Glyph. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Ooh, I just came up with a new stipulation for banging buds, no sex. But I want whatever you write about to be as sensual as possible. Very sensual, but no sex. We won't read it if it has sex.

Sensual, but not sexual. Mm-hmm. I know how it goes. Guys, I'm really excited for this segment. And I feel like you guys are kind of on board. Now, I don't understand how I never got a cooking segment, but this shit is going down. Arnie, can we have more segments on the show? We can have a lot as many segments as we want.

Alright, so we're gonna have bacon buds, we're gonna have used it or cooks. Finally. Do you want a segment? No. Honestly at this point. Arnie's answers? Here, maybe there's a segment called Arnie answers where you answer one question about our stuff like who killed Laura Palmer who killed Laura Palmer oh my god when I was on Twitter I saw so many people talking about Laura Palmer

who killed Laura Palmer you know this is something I actually know a lot about because I was a big fan of Twin Peaks which is a TV show in my world from like 20 years ago and as far as I know it it's never coming back, which is very sad. But I could tell you who killed Laura Palmer, but they would ruin your satisfaction of watching Twin Peaks. Guys, when we escape Hogsface, defeat the Dark Lord, figure out a way for both of you to come with me back to Earth. First thing we do, we're going to sit down, we're going to watch Season 2 of Extant, and

then after that, we're going to watch Twin Peaks together. There's probably someone she knows. Uh, yes and no, but it's not that simple. Was it her? Was it Laura Palmer? Laura Palmer? Can you show yourself? Jump off a cliff? Yes.

Jump off, I'm sorry, a cliff? Joliff. Yes. Well, I'm excited for these segments. I am too. Are anything about which ones you wanna do? I'll think of my own, and every show will be broken up into 20 or 30 segments. I think it's much like a human centipede sequel. A lot of segments.

A lot of segments. The encouragement just gets better and better, the deeper into the episode you get. Just a lot of mouth-to-ass segments. That's true. Another rule for banging butts. No mouth-to-ass. Yeah. Hard stipulation. Hard stipulation. Why I think that's under the row of no sexual... Hard stipulation.

Yeah, didn't the first rule already cover that? Yes. Alright. Guys, this might be the classiest episode we've ever done. The bar is pretty low. It's true. Hey, guys, I'm very excited to talk to our guest. You know, I found a tiny mouse.

It can talk. And so, I'm excited to talk to it. Let me introduce our guest and here here mouse. I'm sorry I believe your name is Momo just go up and kind of crawl over to the to the microphone Hey, this is Momo the talking mouse Were you an Arnie's sure pocket that whole time? Hello, Momo. I'm sorry that all didn't bring you out to his shirt pocket earlier. It smells like pork. Why does your shirt pocket smell like pork?

Does it smell like pork shirt? Why is that surprising to anyone? Yeah. He gave me some treats. He was in the pocket, so isn't too bad. Oh, it's sort of treats to the have. Pork. Pork, just most of the pork.

They started to get brammy a lot of pork. Oh, no, can you share some of your food with your kids? I mean, share? As much of the food with you is you guys want. I mean, I don't, the guards, every time I try to hand you guys some of the food that they've been giving me, the guards smack it away. All of these guards hate us, especially that one over there that is not the old sheriff in disguise. Hello, it's almost 12 o'clock and everybody is good here, including my penis.

I love that guard's penis. That is a man, yeah, that's definitely a man. That's definitely a man. Absolutely, has a penis. And anyone that thinks otherwise wrong. So Mama, where do you come from? I live in another person's house. My house is inside their house.

Oh wow. I have 700 brothers and sisters. How? It was a little coy out. Big family. Big family. What kind of friend do you pay and that sort of situation? It depends. We got lucky because my parents were born into it and there's certain laws that right won't go up. Yeah turn your handfathered in. Yeah.

So we're pretty lucky. I'm only really back there for holidays though. Sure. Yeah. Is it so nice though around holidays come back and see all of your 700 brothers and sisters? Yeah, and you're like, no, and you go home. And you kind of revert back to your old self. Like when you're around your brothers and sisters, like you think you've made so much progress on yourself and you've changed and then all of a sudden you're home and you're like, get out of my room, you know? Do you guys each have your own room? Mm-hmm.

Wow. It's just, it had houses riddled with mouse rooms. Do you ever walk into the wrong room? Almost always. I do have to imagine. So I can't keep track. Like what's the most rooms you guys think you can keep track of?

Just normally in your mind. Mm. 4500. 33. 33. I'm gonna go00, 33. 33. I'm gonna go at that number. Yeah. Who's your favorite sibling and who's your least favorite sibling?

Fran, Fran's my favorite. Our rooms were only seven rooms away, which is nice. And then probably Mike's my least favorite. Oh Mike, yeah, cause no repetition in his name. No repetition in his name. No repetition in his name. No one wants to hear his name twice cause it instills fear in us. Oh, no.

Is he bullied? He's a bully mouse. Yeah. It made me tougher. I'm grateful now, but he's a bully mouse. What were some of the things that Mike would do to bully you when you were a kid? He would just tell us that we were unlovable

and that we never amount to anything and that we were adopted. Were you adopted? Right. I had not 100% sure. There were things that are different about me that my siblings don't have. Can my speed be adopted?

It's complicated. It's a very expensive process in the mouse world to adopt lots of screening. And like to adopt like hundreds of mice That's got a really add up But so what is what is different about you than your your mice brethren? Well, I was born with human strength That's incredible. That's a big one. Yeah. Take up this plate. Yeah. Holy shit.

That was amazing. That was amazing. She sounded like Talbotish. She lifted that up. Yeah. Now, Momo, since you have this amazing human strength, and you only go home for the holidays, what do you do the rest of the time? Well, I work, well in my uptime, I play the mandolin. I could hold it, but there's a lot to move in around. So it takes you. You play a full mandolin.

You can ask you something. Maybe this was maybe a year ago, so I'm not sure how all the are. One day I heard music. I was walking through a field and I heard in the moonlight, um, midnight music and it was, there's many mumbling mice all around. Mm-hmm. Was that you? It must have been me. Um, did the song last seven hours, a two-minute song? Did it last seven hours? That's because that's how long it takes me to play. Honestly, I walked away after 20 minutes. It was mighty nice, though walked away after 20 minutes.

It was mighty nice though. It was mighty nice. We just make magic music in the moonlight. It was mighty nice. Thank you for saying that. I think you're welcome. Thank you for playing. You're welcome.

Your tongues all seem so limber now. So warmed up. You guys are just enunciating like crazy. I feel pretty good about myself. I might grab a coffee. Do you want some? I don't know. If you've had the coffee here.

Oh, I have no. There's a new person who brews the coffee. Oh, really? She brews a proper cup of coffee and a copper coffee pot. Oh, really? Do you like proper coffee and a copper coffee pot? Well, which one is she? Is she the one wearing the red leather or the yellow leather?

She's the red, wait, red leather. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, she's yellow leather. Okay, the red, wait, red leather yellow. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather. She's yellow. Okay, I see. I'll be right back. But my job to finish answering your question, I do work for a dragon. Oh, wow.

It is unpaid for now. I'm hoping it will turn into a pain gig as soon as possible. I could really use the cash. Yeah, what is it exactly that you do? Well, essentially an assistant, but a lot of it is keeping him away from his ex-girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh. Just making sure he doesn't call or they had kind of a lot of ups and downs.

Sure. There's gear. There's nothing worse than a dragon calling out to its ex-girlfriend. Oh, wait. Is a dragon calling its ex? What did I miss? Yes, Momo works for a dragon and the dragon goes to the top of the mountain and calls out for its ex-girlfriend sometimes. Oh you got to stop that? Yes, you have to put it into that.

Momo, I have a very important question for you though. Uh-huh. Have you checked in with this dragon recently? Well, he gave me three days off, so that was the last time I spoke to him three days ago. Can you share your dragon's name or would that be sort of against employee? Well, I guess I could tell you, his name rhymes with shmeggery. Gregory? Yes.

Oh. And all the money and more of the pal. Do you know how it messes up? I just took away the SCH sound. I thought I did a pretty good job covering that up But I suppose I didn't I wouldn't have guessed it if it you all the money in the world that when I go back He's gonna be with his ex girlfriend. She's gonna be there That's so sad. You know sometimes Arnie can be a shmass whole. Do you know I'm trying to say? Yeah, a gasoline

a shmass hole. Do you know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, a gasoline. It's true. I'm sorry. I'm working on it. Classiest episode. So it's all the work that all the parts. Do you have a love life of your own? Do you have a significant other? Oh, just Momo. Have a love life. Momo wishes. Big time. And I was just wondering, the three of you probably have more connections

in me. You probably met probably have more connections than me You probably met a lot more people than me who aren't mice that I'm related to so if you know anybody Wouldn't be able to take her on a nice date because momo doesn't have money right now, but Well, am I understanding you don't want to date a mouse? You want to date a person? Well with the human strength. Oh, oh. I can't really be with a mouse for their own safety. You'd crush it.

Yeah. This is a personal question. You don't have to answer this. Have you had some kind of horrible missups? Yes. In some circles, I have known as the mouse trap, which is not nice. It's not nice. No, no. Um, because I'm very charming in a play that I'm handling and I can get them to come to me.

And um, I, even when I'm trying my best, just too strong, too strong. No, they, by any chance, say, I fear we've opened a box, we can't close. Finally enough, yes. That's so sad that no mouse wants to fukuku, you know, there's no mumu fu-ku. Not yet, not yet. Maybe there's a little mouse out there and she's got human strength too, you know. Yeah, I doubt it. That seems like a bit of stretch.

But I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm, what do you be happy but I don't think you will be? Oh, that's so sweet of you to say. Every we've ever thought of something between a mouse and a human, a different animal that has a enhanced amount of strength, like like badger strength, that or a human with the strength of a spider. That sounds interesting. Mom, mom, mom, I just got goose bones. Mom, what about inner strength? That's all that really matters, huh? Well, apparently not.

What have you been to mouse who you could maybe never touch, but it had a superior inner strength? What do you mean by inner strength? I just mean like they have a lot of fortitude, like they just, you know. Oh, and I talk about kagels. Hard. Well, we are talking about kagels, partially. Oh, this thing.

Which brings us to our new segment, Kegel Corner. Mama would like to host that segment. Okay, you're welcome. Mama wants a segment. Mama wants a segment. What Mama once Mama gets. Mama said there would be days like this. There would be days like this.

Mama said, chant. What? Mama was trying to host Kegel Corner right now. I'm sorry. But, and then I'll shut up. News Depulation. You can also write a first date story for Momo if you send an email into Bingen Buds. Oh.

Here's the segment. Huh? Huh? The... She's not listening to anything. What is she... Oh. The... The... The... The... She's not listening. What is she- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh tiny little mouse turds. And let's kind of like find our better selves. And which brings us to our

new segment, finding your better self. Yeah, can't find a better self. Can't find a better self. Hmm? Nothing. Hey, we'll be right back. So, Mom, I'm just really interested to learn more about you. So, first of all, how did you first discover you have human strength? Um, well, I was in the human house, my house is inside a human's house. It was a dare from my brothers and sisters. They said, I dare you to go out and try to move that chair. And I was like, I'm not going to be able to do it. They're going to catch me. And I went and I not only did I move the chair, but I threw it all

off. I threw the chair through a wall. Oh, you're coming very emotional. I'm sorry. I think that might be more than human strength. Did it go through that like the tiny like the little mamos house? Did it go through the big mamos house? It both. It took out our game room. It took out our mud room. It took out just the whole front part of our house where we entertain. Wow. You have a mud room? Just a little little little mice take off their shoes. Let me let me get this straight.

You have 700 people. I'm 702 mice. Yeah. And living in this house with an house. 703 if you count grandma there. Grandma's there too, okay. Let's not count grandma. Yeah, okay, 702. We're not counting grandma.

I want to count grandma. Find 703. And grandpa. Is grandpa? Well, here's my theory. Is that grandpa was a human man. And that's why I have this strength. Oh, and that's why your rent is grandfathered in because of your grandfather who maybe owns the

big house. Are you living in your adult human grandpa's house? I've been really trying to sort through this and also end point to yes. But there's a mushroom, 702 bedrooms. What are the rooms to have? A game room. We had a room that was just mostly just for coats. I just called a co-room. A coat room. I think I called it a mudroom, a mudroom. I think called it a Rubenco room. Mother and father had a suite with their own bathroom. Oh. And just living in kitchen, one big dining room, we had a finished basement. MoMo answered this question.

How many baths? Two baths. Any half baths? 70 half baths. 70 half baths? Is there a room with a view? Mm-hmm. The view is just to the other rooms though.

Oh. Of the other rooms? Yes. It has a magical portal that lives in all of the other rooms. Are you sure this wasn't just a hallway? No. No, you're right. Now that I'm thinking about it, that's the room.

That's the room that shows all the other rooms. It was a hallway. So, Mom, I have a question about your strength. So you have human strength. Is it changeable? Because you threw a chair through a wall, but also very impressive. You lift that plate, but it seemed like a struggle. Well, I'm not saying it's easy for Momo. It's not like I'm not breaking a sweat over here. I really got to just like carve up before I know I'm going to list something.

Let's calm down here a bit. Arnold, why don't you lift that plate? I don't. I mean, we all know I've got human human strength I don't need to prove it by lifting the plate fine it's fine it's just a plate I can lift it which brings us aggressively to our new segment lift that plate not as easy as it looks mom I have another question about the 702 mice. Mm-hmm. Are you guys really confident that that's how many mice there were?

It seems like really hard to keep track after a certain number. Well, it just means that there's 698 little children who are desperate for attention. And so they're sneaking out, they're getting up to no good. Just mischief, just a mouse mischief. So I don't know if we are all ever in that house at the same time. You know, I don't know if I've ever told you this.

I have not been inside a mouse house. That's my secret, not been inside a mouse house. The secret of an M, N-I-M-H. They're very welcoming, they're very cozy. I would imagine so. Do you have any like, folksy sayings? Like, is there any sort of rug with like, a folksy saying of like, mouse this house or any sort of like, when, when,

mouse ain't happy? Nobody happy. Yeah, we got it. Mouse ain't happy, nobody happy. You know that one, of course. But dad would always do this funny little gag where he would pretend that we had mice. And he was scared like, we got to call the exterminator. We have mice and he go hold on, he's just my kid. He would really go on for hours and get everyone really scared, really tough.

I've got to say what started is sounding like an adorable dad joke has me a little worried about Possible some kind of dementia like if it's going on for hours. I have a different theory Did you look at the baseboard inside your house inside the house to see if you did have mice? Oh Smaller mice. Yes, that would explain his panic And also I don't like that they're in my house explained his panic. And also I don't like that they're in my house. I didn't belong here. I'm glad that he tried to get them out of their smaller mice. The mouse house. Well, presumably, presumably, unless one of the mice had sex with one of the smaller mice, and there's smaller mice with regular mouse strength. Oh, that's

the situation. That doesn't sound good. So what brings your hogs face? Well, I'm trying to find some paid work. And because of my size and strength, I'm able to be pretty nimble and go in and out of buildings that I may not have business going in and out of. So I've just been using that to my advantage. And I'm just really trying to send messages and get paid Is it them?

You know just stuff just mouse stuff send messages that would be useful. Yeah, Momo. Can you excuse us for a moment? Yes, of course. I think we should hire Momo guys She whispered some of that I couldn't hear what the whisper part was. I think we should hire Momo She said she can take she can own the building. She has to visit being inside of and she can send messages I've been here with the Westport part was. I think we should hire Momo. She said she can take... She can own a building she has to visit, being inside of, and she can send messages. That's great. That's very useful to do when I get a hold of.

We could get a hold of each other while we're trapped in ourselves. We could send messages to each other. We could even... make Momo into an assassin. Oh. With human strength, that's... enough to lift a knife here. Arnold, lift this knife. Maybe.

Momo. Yes. We've been talking about it. And we would like to hire you to spy on the Dark Lord and potentially bring information back to us and between each the three of us and potentially of Atarbi Hist take a knife into a very small knife into a place and stab someone with it multiple times in the neck. And know that this comes with momo money even though we are presenting some momo problem.

I have a question about the messages and that like, I don't know exactly how much you charge. But I'm just worried like, is it possible we can pay you a certain amount to get unlimited messages for the month? Yeah, what if we don't use all the messages? Yeah. Well, the messages do roll over the ones that you do not use. Oh, that's great. I use a lot of messages. I mean, I don't like to talk to people face to face, but I would send a lot of mouse messages. Wait, how many messages am I going to be getting?

I'm going to send you a lot of messages. And then if I don't get a message back, I'll be like, that's weird. And I'll send you another message like, did you get my last message? Maybe the mouse didn't get through. Have you thought about calling your message service, messaging? I do now. You gasped. I can do it. I mummo's up for the challenge. I will say though. Schmaggery is definitely gonna marry his ex-girlfriend if I'm not around. Oh that's right.

Oh that's right. It's gonna be so bad. But it's worth, I just need to get paid. Does he ever transcend you on late night messages to his ex-girlfriend? What do they say? I was like, hey are you awake? And she lived so far. It takes me three days to get there. I get her answer three days back. Then it probably is not true anymore you know.

Yeah so you're not these aren't like instant messages. No, I mean, mom only needs to travel. My mom doesn't have a can't go super fast. Is she also a dragon? Yes. Why don't they just fly back and forth one other, rather than hiring you? It seems like it could be much faster.

They're trying to just like, they're pretending that they don't care. You know. No, they aren't putting labels on it. You're not putting labels on it. If we're going to have you running around delivering our messages, I don't know if the shoes that you're wearing will work out.

Do you want mummo better shoes? Mummo likes these shoes, but you're right. They're a little worn out. You've already have enough juice to make a tiny pair of mouth shoes or you cut off. Maybe take a sip of that hooch? I did eat an egg this week. You mentioned that yes. Momo has another service if you're interested. I can I also carry fleas and disease. So if you would like to like have

Send someone fleas if they're your enemy or a plague of any sorts. I do carry that as well Would we be paying for the individual fleas and disease or could we get like a monthly fleas and disease plan? You can get individual fleas. You pay by fleas. So discount for large quantities. Yeah, over 200 fleas. You get a little discount. Could we get like a friends and family fleas indices plan like if people are in my family You get to get four people you have a four person family plan and then I can you know, I mean I've seen I see There's only three of you so it's gonna be yeah, so but it would be free for us to send diseases or fleas to each other Mm-hmm, of course do you want to do that? I?

Mean at this price what we can hardly not to. It's a good point. If you could put them in your favourites, which means you just tell me that they're your favourite and I will send them all the fleas of diseases you like. Oh, it's kinda a little fun. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing! For mouse booties. So best I could do. Oh, she's doing kegels again. Ah, so best I could do. H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h- Newport. I know I need a unique you know you need unique new fork. Hmm my tongue is so limber. Don't forget

Bang and Buds sent them to chunt at gmail.com. I also have a sister who sells She lives by the ocean and she um she sells rocks and other sorts of beach things. So she sells seashells by this She's sure. Yeah, she does good to know. Well, Mom Momo, I'm so excited that I guess we're gonna hire you. Although, oh, guys, guys, guys. Do we have any money? Absolutely not. Yeah, do we try to... Like, what do we do in a situation like this?

Do we try to trick Momo into helping us out? Or send an invoice. That bill us. Great. But I mean, the dragon's not paying or anything. We're not doing anything worse than the dragon's doing. Well, I'm not calling my ex girlfriend. But you also might want to call your ex girlfriend.

Well, I don't have an ex girlfriend. I have a current girlfriend. Tell her she's the one. Well, you haven't talked her in a while. You don't know. Well, she's off having sex with everything in the forest. Yeah. I might have an X-Girl for it. So Momo, we're very excited to hire you

if you're willing to work for us. Yes, of course. Momo, I can work for just a little at first, but you need to promise this will turn into a full-time job. Sure, yeah. We work on a sliding scale. Yeah. Here, let me put you on top of it.

We done you go. Yeah, did it, did it, you on top of it. We don't go I just don't spend my entirety of my 20s like we're walking up a ladder that you're a 20 year old mouse That's incredible. I'm 22 years old You're very old for a mouse. Well, it's my life's just be hearing though, huh? Oh, well. Congratulations. The lifespan and strength of a human. Hey, John, do you have any emails this week?

Yeah, nothing with the subject beggin' beds, but to be fair, that was created this episode, so let's see what normal emails we have. This is one from Josiah Coltis, it says, Last night there was a huge tornado here where I live on Earth. I swear to the three goddesses that I heard the Dark Lord laughing when lightning struck. I think your podcast has made the Dark Lord able to come to Earth. Oh my God. That's not good.

Sounds right though. Guys, are we not resisted enough? I mean, the Dark Lord is making us do this podcast because he wants to study how it gets to Earth, so he can eventually get to Earth. I guess we thought maybe we could do this and still fight against him while doing it, but are we deluding ourselves? Are we just making it easier for evil to spread? Are we making a murderer?

Are we making a murderer? Jinx. Look, we've made a lot of progress in defeating the Dark Lord. I've read two chapters of a book on glyphs. Yusudor has gotten some latrinehooch. We've hired a mouse to send messages to each other. I've read a ton about rocks when I could've just asked Yusudor. Yeah, I ate an egg.

Yusudor ate an egg. He is so proud of that egg. I'm not going to worry about it. We'll keep moving forward. And part of moving forward is I've got an email to read. You can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies.com. It's a really ML dress unless you want to send emails about banging buds and then it's not a really ML dress.

My email reads, Hello folks. Sorry about the whole hog's face thing. Thank you. I hope that works out for you guys. They wrote, thank you. No, I said thank you. Sorry. I just pleased to discern between when you're shoving in your own opinion and when you're reading what's on the on the family man's reflection was wildly different. Listen to me. I'll do it again. Sorry about the whole hogs face thing. I hope that works out for you. Thank you. It's very different.

Wait, which one was which? Was that written? The thank you? Or was that said? I said thank you. Please stop interjecting. Okay. I had a question about Mondo, the Grundel. That's the email not me. Wait, that was in there. Yes, I had got us to read the email. Suddenly, Rudy Emel said, that's the email not me. Who are these people setting these emails? From now on everything I say is just going to be the email and not me. Starting now. You've said several times that Mundle plays the theme music for the show and he does a great job.

It sounds like there's a few different types of instruments being played, some strings, a fluter of some kind, and some percussion. I was wondering, is Mundle playing multiple instruments at once, or does Foon have one instrument that can make all those sounds? Eagerly awaiting your apply, Doug Barker. Well, Mundle's a Grundle. Yeah, he's Mundle the Grundle.

He can play as many instruments as he can hold. Yeah, he's got a lot of arms and a lot of mouths, he doesn't speak out of any of them, but he can play a lot of instruments. Oh for sure he's a grondle. Yeah and if he's holding instruments he can actually set them down and pick up new ones. Yeah pretty fascinating stuff. Yeah it's true. Wouldn't you agree uh Mundle? Still don't know what that means. Some Momo. I've taken the liberty of writing up this invoice. Wait, we don't ride an invoice. We don't? No, you did, you did the heavy lifting for me and I really appreciate it. Yes, you just send us one of these once a month and we'll be sure to remit payment as soon

as possible. Although, can we commit to like a year of service and we'll pay after the year is up? Of course. And also you will not pay if someone else who's not the three of you decides to send you a message. Oh, so we can receive messages for free. If we're all in the same mouse, we get it for free. And are you going to walk those messages or are you going to kind of run pretty quickly? It'll be a brisk walk. But not a sprint. Not a sprint. Especially if it's far. But I could always try to spy in the dark load.

Get back to you. I could try to, I could try to spy and get back to you. I could, I could try to spy and get back to you. She's really grabbing your shirt and pulling you towards her, aren't you? I need listen to me. I need listen. I need listen. I am up for the challenge. Please. I've learned the best. I'm the work of our dragon. Please. I think she's drunk. I mean, yeah, your shirt smells like pork. It does. She just kissed you and then touched you. It's very effective. That's a tough thing I've ever you. It's very effective.

That's the toughest thing I've ever seen. It's terrifying. It's a power move. How many people go into a job interview and say, you're gonna hire me and then just kiss the person on the list? Shh. Come here. It's not going to be kisses.

I could do this for you. Please believe in me. We literally... I heard you. I mean, there's nothing cute out of that little mouse. It's very... It is very. But Arnie, you're coming off his desperate. Meh, a little desperate.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. It's okay. It's okay. Hey, I'm your boss now. No, you got it. can't get in trouble with HR

I can do this. I'm gonna come I'm gonna come through for you, okay? I believe it And you know what momo? I do have a message for you to send. Okay, and the message is to momo And it is you're hired. Did you say that don't send a message? Is it not a constant? No, that's right. There's a guy on the list of messages. Momo, sorry, you're about you're hired. Momo already charged you for the message. Well, I'm gonna really regret this at the end of the year. So once we say a message, we can't delete it. No. That doesn't seem right. Can we send pictures? Can I explain like a picture to you? Yeah,

absolutely. Explain that. You don't just explain anything and I'll go and do it. You can also send, I call them emojis. Just like a feeling or emotion and I'll run and I'll run and I'll make the face in front of someone. I have a message for Genelevia the Red. Okay. Art thou up? Is this an ex-girlfriend? She's my current girlfriend. Oh, okay, then I'll do it. All right. How is she? How far does she live? She lives in nature. Okay. All right. I got it. I'll run now. Mama runs now. Wait, wait. Can you send a message to anti-overalls? Does this an ex-girlfriend? Most certainly not. All right. What is it? How's it it going I haven't talked to you in a while hope all as well okay okay anymore messages I don't

know do you know how to get to other dimensions mom was working on it well when you figure it out I have a couple really important messages to send okay mom will work on that come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come come here come here come here come here come here come come here come here come here come come here come here come come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come come here come here come here come come come come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come come come come here come here come come here come come come here come come come come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come here come come come come here come come come here come here come come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come A word of caution to all of you about to send in those bang and bug stories. Don't include things like character development or resolution or the crew over here may not recognize them. Usador The Wizard was played by Matt Young, taking a break between shouting to really hone his chops. Like Jim Carrey in the number 23, the movie prestige equivalent of Roanoke Virginia.

Sean to the Badger was played by Adolf Refy, drawing inspiration from that one emoji with Like Jim Carrey in the number 23, the movie prestige equivalent of Roanoke Virginia. Shunt the Badger was played by Adolfi, drawing inspiration from that one emoji with a straight line from a mouth. Mo Mo the mouse with human strength was played by special guest Aaron Keefe. You can see Aaron perform with wet bus. Every Thursday at Chicago's I-O theater. She also mentioned that there's no need to plug her Twitter account because she forgot the password.

Gregor the Guard was played by Dana Quetzceoli. Dana was just featured but apparently elbowed her way back in. So unladylike, all that finishing school money wasted. Craig, I've done enough. Time to spread your wings and meet expectations. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Neekamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie, this one edited by Chris Rathgeon, music by Andy Polland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at a low-front The Magic Tavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Ear Wolf. Craig, when we were fighting last night over the last vile of unconsciousness powder and you said I was being a real Rory, did you mean like an A-mean Rory or a Loreal-Ian Rory?

I met Rory Culkin. The Culkin no one's really sure is really a Culkin.