Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Ep 8 - Dripfang

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

The Dark Lord's Chef Inquisitor pays a visit. And that is not a typo.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDripfang: Kevin ScirettaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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dimensions just a wish away. What about the original form of dimensional travel? Reading? Read a book today, but stay away from the multiverse or I'll drive you insane through dream fasting. Enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is all you need to know.

About two years and two months and a so ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Unfortunately, it's being taken over by the Dark Lord who has imprisoned me and my co-hosts in the prison Tana Hogs face and forcing us to continue to record this podcast in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, which is now reopened in the Tana Hogs face in the land of fune. That was a real emotional roller coaster

of an introduction I feel like. I just to react to what I've just said, I'd like to introduce my co-captive and co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. 177, 178, 179, 180, 181. What's this? What are you doing? I just blinked 181 times.

Very quickly, why? I'm doing some dark magic, remember when I learned dark magic? That's right. Yeah, when we thought Yusidore was gone and I went to Ruffold Feather to learn some dark magic. Yeah, that really rough bar on theur was gone and I went to ruffled feather to learn some dark magic Yeah, that really rough bar on the other side. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, but I learned some magic some dark magic and One of the spells was to blink 181 times blink not yet another time for yet one more blink that 180 second blink would be thine undoing I would crush the as a very

second blink would be thine undoing! I would crush thee as a very stone from a stone storm, crush the small people of terra-fain! I'm also joined by my other co-captive and co-host Yusador. I am Yusador. Wizard of a twelfth realm of a fesious, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical the light, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Turokos. The elves and me is fying y'all. Fanging out.

The dwarves know me as Zonen and Hook Stangie, so it was dangles, and I am known in the North East as gasmwyneous maidsaur. World Star and friends, trust you not want me to speak yet one moment further, for if I were to reveal yet another one of my names, that very name, may sneak up Hanley in the middle of the night and cut thine throat from ear to ear Yeah, I heard that if you blink 182 times that you fall asleep and when you wake up you're in like your mid to late 90s Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you wake up you're like damn it like what's my age again? Like you don't even know your age at all, but blink not that hundred eighty second time. Oh, I won't I won't why would you do that?

Like why try to do that the stoward Something I want to talk about is Chant use the door is still being forced to take that potion that's making him super low energy I wish he could bring that energy up. Oh fear not on hold for I need to know Potion to stop me for I have found a way to access mine Form a glorious self. I also do it What do you mean? Yeah use it or do the thing you can do so that you can have your old energy back No, I get back to it. Yeah. No, I'm yeah. No, I'm not being so like really low energy like you're being right now

So modeling really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're just like barely talking. I feel like my old self I feel sort of like I'm see even now you sound down in a dumps happening and up and you're just like barely talking. I feel like my old self. I feel sort of like I'm See even now you sound down in a dumps happening in an open. You're like a sleepy baby. What is we both baby? Oh poor little baby use it. Oh I'm sleepy, but I'm not that you mentioned if I suppose I could take a quick nap Oh Are you didn't even ask me what the spells for what was the spell for? It's so that I can maybe cajole my guards,

Pipp and Dolores, into, I'm not gonna tip my hat too much, but I want to try and persuade them to allow me to do something. Oh wow, so yeah, that's right. So the Dark Lord is forcing us to do this podcast, but at the same time, we're gonna try to turn the tables on him,

and I don't know what yet, but we're definitely- We get something cooking. We're cooking on some things. We don't have an end game or a short game, but we're definitely gonna do something. I just drew, I have many plans in place that are coming to fruition even now. For though I've been denied access to the out of doors and that light that that gave me great power by the Baron, Ragnoune,

I am the master of light and shadow. In my own cell there'll be darkness in Pellenti, and I've accessed it to become the former Glorious Usodore that everyone loves! Wow, when are you gonna do that? I'm doing it right now, I'm already back to normal, I'm normal. I can't tell it's you sleep. I am asleep, but my eyes are open and I'm doing it right now. I'm already back to normal. I'm normal. I can't tell, is he asleep? Oh, what? I am asleep, but my eyes are open and I'm talking.

Mm-hmm. Arnie, while he's asleep, yes. I just want to let you know. It's all right to tell me what you think about me, okay? Okay. I won't try and, you know, I won't try and argue or hold that against you. Okay.

Just tell me what you think. What do you think about me? What do I think about you? Yes, I get mixed messages from you. You know, sometimes, you know, you leave me roses by the stairs and I'm like, oh, surprises. Let me know. He cares. Uh-huh. And sometimes you're, you know, you call me names, so you're just kind of like, you know, dismissive of me. You don't even ask why I'm using, you know, dark magic. Yeah. I'm sorry, buddy. I, I can't go down in this path.

Alright, alright, if you don't want to take the long way, then I'll take the short way and I'll say that let's be nice to each other. Yeah. Great. You're a good friend. You're a good friend. Together. Oh, guys at the door. Who's that? All guards post them at the door, make sure that the entrance is sufficiently covered. Thank you. Orcs on the outside goblins on... No, you know what? Switch it. Orcs on the inside goblins on the outside and one bridge, two bridge... Alright, I'm going

to go back. Nobody get mad. Don't kid-mad at me. Goblins on the outside. Orcs on the inside, two bridge trolls, fifteen paces away from the goblins Arnold Chant, listen very quickly, it's herni. I must pretend to be the weakened use of all. I... You're all all weak and tired. Is this... No, yeah, but do it now. No, I'm...

I'm looking to it. I'm looking to it. I just did. And this enemy of ours, this minion of the Dark Lord, I must pretend about him to be his... Oh, so one of the Dark Lord's minions is coming into the tavern i a a did it just announced a talent white i will have one i will have one talent white in a very

very large class what's the largest class you have? yes hollow that out and then throw it away and then make a much larger class and then fill it with that wine and then have it sent to the table over there with the sedentary gentleman the the Wissody Fellow, and the going to say badger, but it might be a large whizel. Damn, this guy knows what he wants. Which one am I? The whizel? Hmm, hello. Oh, is this fourth seat taken here at this table? No, please, sit with us for a while. We are glad to have your company

here at the table. Excellent. Thank you so much. Wink. Hi, I'm Arnie and you can't buy hostess podcasts here in the tavern. Oh, I know exactly who you are. Oh wow. On the Noro-Ni-Campus. What's that? On the Noro, I'm assuming that your name, both of them, our short versions have a much longer grander name. So I assumed that it was for all Nuro-only campus. It's Arnold. I'll say that one more time.

It's Arnold. With a D at the end? Yes. And then after that, it's Arnie. I like the way he says it. Arnold though? I like that one. I said, on Nuro, but I like, on what did you say?

I don't know. Arturo I like oh, oh, no, what did you say? I don't know Arturo arturo my name is you're the Arnie person I am the Arnie person and that person there is not a person but a badger What a shape shift that I should say in a badger's fault. He's a shapeshifter But it's what's just mostly talk about how he's a badger chant. Yes? Yes, yep, that's me, Chant. And then, yes, here. Ah! I hate it. Ah, yes, I am, you should always enter the twister over the fused.

Master of light shadow. Oh, it does my dark heart. Such good to see the blue wizard so diminished. It's fun. I like it, and I'm going to celebrate it. It's not a populous dance, but it's one that I totally stand behind. And who are you? Ah, of course.

Very impolite of me to make such introductions of myself and not introduce myself. My name is dripfang led a spare. And I am the chef inququisitor of the Dark Lord. The chief inquisitor? No, the chef inquisitor. The chef inquisitor? Yes, the chef inquisitor. I'm saying that right, correct?

Chef inquisitor? My tongue is not accustomed to the dialect of Hogsface. We are honored to have you here. Everyone, please stand up. Yes, have we not told you about the chef inquisitor? No. In Foon, if you open any sort of tavern or restaurant or anything, the Sheffinquisitor can come through and he can make your kitchen a nightmare.

What? Yes, I was studied under the tutelage of a one, Jordan Ramsobs. Jordan Ramsobs? Jordan Ramsobs. And he was, he was, he was most brutish in his manner. He bandied about such barbaged words and beat the shit out of people he killed a kid oh he didn't care he yelled at us

to sit down yes he shot everything to that was his main thing was to walk around and go this is stupid shot it all down and then we'd have to oh wow, but I am the chef inquisitor of the Dark Lord. I've taken that Ram's easiest name, and I've thrown it into the darkness as well. And now I am that a chef inquisitor. I was supposed to be chief inquisitor. That was in fact a typo. For I did attain that rank through various Dark Magics, Dark Arts, wicked deeds, terrible terrible feats of Awfulness.

Trouble new. Thank you. What are three of these awful feats? Oh, three awful feats. This is my favorite game to play. Me and the rest of the Necromancers and various Dark Wizards to sit around and name the three things that we did to earn our titles. Ah, the first was that I did cast a spell that did turn an entire orphanage worth of orphans into live pythons. Oh, one.

That's one. And then the second one, I'm going to send in order. So that was the third, like I consider that. Oh, sorry, I'm sorry. That was it. So thank you. Thank you. It's descending order.

That number two. I did take. I took it. Wait, I'm sorry to interrupt. Sensitive, it was because of the python, should we do serpentine order? Maybe start with two, go to three, go back to two and go to one.

Okay, so it's already the third one. Okay, so let me say the second one. And then the third one again, and then the first one. Sure, yes. Sanitha bitch. All right, so the second one, I took a canpindium of healing potions. The ingredients they are written within. Use the door, your eyes, right up. Wonderful. a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a kind of a weak again. Oh, do I? I'm just a tidal man, wait.

That's the sound tidal man means. That's right. So this potion book I did take, and I did show it to sick people in a particular village, just outside of Skur. And then I took it and I let it on fire in front of them and I threw it down a well, and the well was filled with oil, and it burned down the rest of the town. Oh, that's not that escalated. Quickly. Yes, I killed a whole bunch of people. I'm going to take a strong stance here and say that was rude. Thank you. Thank you. Number three again, I took an entire orphanage full of orphans. I am scasted, I'm barely altering into Python. Oh, and then they ate each other.

They ate each other. I love that part out. Three and a half. But that's on them. I love that part out. Yes, but that's on them. I didn't tell them that that is, that's thank you for recognizing that. They had some agency with it. That's true. Normal pythons don't eat each other. I know.

No, that's not a thing. You know who's to blame for that? It's the kid brains. It's the kid brains inside those pythons. Yes. Once you put a child's brain within a wild animal, there's no telling how they lacked. The first act is normally to cannibalize one another.

You didn't change the brains, you left the brain with the brain. I left the kid brains in the body. I told you it was a feat of awfulness. I did a terrible bad thing. A python with a kid brain, I'm trying to picture that and it's gruesome. So much kid brain python death. So much kid brain python death. So much kid brain python death.

So much kid brain python death. Dirt on brain python death. So much kid brain python death. Death death death. Oh, we all stop singing and I, well now I feel foolish. Alright, and the number one awful task that I did to attain my rank. I faced my father in their chromancer in one on one singular combat. Great was he well in his power. One on one singular combat. Yes, it's different from just one on one. It was just us two in an empty room. Yeah. And we did cast spells against one another.

And we did fight most magically with terrible deeds, wicked words. And what did before, though, and father? I brought up a past failing of his and he blew his brains out with a magic wand. Oh! Is it gold brains? Yes, it's a gold brains. No, no, his kid brains had long been given to a small toad. Oh, yes. Well, yes, we do charitable works within the realms of the Dark Lord.

So your father is dead, but somewhere out there there's a toad with his kid brains. With his kid brain, yes. Yes. Oh, no, we never asked you. What did you do with your child brain? What did I do with my child brain? Yes, well I still have it. Thank you very much.

Well, no, once you outgrew it, it's in a place with your adult brain. You shed it. You shed it with the smaller one. You shed your child brain and from it grows a much larger adult brain with more room for knowledge. Well, from my world, you have your kid brain

and then your adult brain grows around your kid brain. This world you speak of is primary. Oh, you're so sorry, interrupt. Yes, one, everyone. Yes, thank you, one, one, yes. That was the serpentine. Yes, thank you for recognizing that. Mm-hmm.

Earth. Is the place that you were from? Yes, the serpent. Yes, excellent. You know, my employer, my current master, the Dark Lord, long may he reign forever in food, in the glorious horror that he has rained down upon all. Sure. He's wonderfully interested in this place called Earth.

And chief in it is how one such as you gain such talents to wander between realms, to take yourself from the realm of that king of burgers, and then bring yourself to fune. It, albeit, you brought yourself to a most... Ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro- I don't think it's either we're all going to die or we're going to have delicious meal. Oh, sorry. I hope it's a second. Oh, double eggs. Ah, yes. Ooh.

I did produce some devil eggs when I did go into that trends just now. Oh, this is delicious. Ah, yes. I use just a bit of red pepper and paprika on within it. Yes. Delicious. Enjoy. Please, Arnold, I would have you sup on this primary, allow me to double the amount of double degs in front of you.

Poofed. Wow. So I get twice as much delt exes. Is everybody else? Yes, each, each, each. That's how math works. Yes. That seems unfair, but I'll also I'll eat them.

I never taught you the doubling spell poofed. No. Yes, P-O-O-O-F-T. Oh. That seems so easy. That's the, you know, sometimes when I'm like, Hey, get over here on the poofed. That means double. That's in Foon.

You say poofed in its doubling spell. It's one of the easier ones. I'll teach you to you someday. When I get my power back, but I'm just a weak old man. Arnie, Arnie, don't be rude. Drift Fang cooked for you. Cook something for him. Seer him some scallops. See how he likes them.

What's this? Seer him some scallops. How I do that? You don't know how to seer scallops. Which one are do that? You don't not a serious scallops which one are scallops? What do you cook when you're at home alone? What do I cook when I'm at home? You're just repeating our question. I'm just repeating your question. Yeah as a child brain I swear to God he has a child Arnie okay here this brings us to a segment we're gonna introduce today called guest list, okay?

Uh-huh I'm gonna give you a simple list of things you're gonna tell me with the all-heaven comment. Okay. Tripfran you could be a judge for this. I would love that. Tiny horses. Mm-hmm.

Ants. Yes. Your brain. My brain. I'm listing all the things you said. I'm listing all the small things. Arnold. They're always going to be the things he said.

No matter what list it is. Brilliant of me. Is it? Isn't it them? I don't know. Perhaps he wasn't able to answer the question because he has not yet taken off his pants and jagged. Yeah, take off your pants and jagged. You see, it's very hot within the Vimilian Minotaur right now.

Which is what I was saying. You came from Earth to the Vimilian Minotaur of all places in Fune to travel to. The glorious places that are going to be made so horrible by the Dark Lord. He's going to take everything you love and make it so so bad, and I can't wait. But he's so interested in this place that you traveled from and how you gained the mystical knowledge to come here to Fune. Well, yeah, I don't like to talk about earth stuff, but who does? It sounds terrible, but the Dark Lord is interested in here.

I am chef and quizzeter, and it's my job. Well, Tripfang, can I ask what happens to me after the Dark Lord gets this precious information out of my child brain of how to travel between earth and the food? Can you ever answer a question without asking a question? Is that an earth thing? I should, ooh. I- Goblin!

Bring Goblin! From outside, tell an orc inside, come over here and stand a graph. What are on- Could I start to the work? Arenevious? It's Arne.

Bring Arnonar over here. But he also sometimes goes by Carnival. Carnival wasn't. Carnival wasn't. You know, like a Carnival Barker. Like a Carnival Barker. It's a secret name. If people said it, then the whole town could be destroyed.

I don't know. I'm sorry, I was looking away. What were you just saying? Just now there was a secret that might have had the whole town destroyed, which would be super fun for me. Oh, it was a joke. I hate jokes. Bring this to the Niagara Faroeck over. Good. Now, stand here. joke. I hate jokes. Ring this, it's a sonographer orc over.

Good. Now, stand here. Guys, guys, guys, I'm sorry, Druffeng. Would you mind going talking about that sonographer a little for just a second? We just have some. You want me to talk about the sonographer? Oh, sure. His name is Greg, Greg. Oh, Greg, Greg.

He's an orc of the rock tribe. He's working his way up the rankings in order to become general of the... How far is stenographer from general? Pretty far, but with his personal journey, it's very impressive. He has a learning disability. Because at a young age, he was hit in the head with an axe.

So you would think if you've got a learning disability, it would maybe be easier to be a general than a stenographer. You would think that because've got a learning disability, it would maybe be easier to be a general than a stenographer. You would think that because mostly with orc tactics, it's run directly at the thing you want to kill and soak up enough of their arrows, swords, magics, spears, or whatever they're using to kill grand amounts of you until you overwhelm it and then destroy it. But I don't make the rules for orcs. So that's his personal journey. Oh wow. Would you mind going and telling that to him?

Oh, yes, I would love to. Guys, guys, here's the thing. Yes, I don't know if I've ever told you this before. I don't really know how I got here. Like, I know the series of things that I did before I got here, but I don't know how I got here. Have you said like 110 times that you fell into a dimensional riff behind a Burger King. Yeah, you know, you hit you in the head as a child.

You think we thought you knew what you were doing? Yeah, that's not what we thought. Look guys, I know you think that I'm a really talented, Transdimensional traveler. No, I was just a dude that was behind a fast food restaurant. We never thought that. Oh, okay. X-Rakia!

He said something I didn't like, so I said a spell and he blew up. No! I wasn't a work, so I can get behind that. Yes, and I have so many more. Bring another stenographer, orc! So he's going to write down any secrets of Earth that you were saying. So Chant here was asking if that asking a thing where you answer a thing while you're asking a question is an earth trait

Is that an earth trait? Will that help the dark lord invade your realm and destroy it like he's destroying food? What would the dark lord do with that information? He would use it to Unlock the passage between this realm and your realm and then he would go into earth and just obliterate it. Oh boy Wait, did you really kill Grag-Grag? I blew him up, I blew up Grag-Grag. I have that power. I'm part necromancer.

Is there any way we can bring Grag-Grag back back? I'm a necromancer, if you want me to bring Grag-Grag back back, he can back it all the way up. That's awful, please don't do that. Weasewins! We're bringing Grag-Grag back. Yeah. Those other orcs, they don't know how to act.

They're so rowdy. Well, here he is, he's back and he's in. He's in pieces. Oh, oh, yeah. And now he's wandering about the familiar myth. That's funny. Anyway, I'm gonna kill him again. Brangus.

And now he's blown up again in six different pieces. Well, the second time it seemed like a kindness. Well, yes, that was mercy. And I don't like giving mercy. But I do like killing things cause I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible being. Well, sometimes you have to do something you don't like, in order to do something you like. I agree, we are mortal and I can I say this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I say this? I know of your work. Oh, thank you. I'm aware of your work and I'd test you to your core. I feel the same, I'd... I feel the same exact way about you, Yuzidur. And I agree, though, in that way that sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do to accomplish something you want to do. Like this, I hate hogs face.

I hate being in this stupid, backwater, hick, bumble, fuck place. Oh, it's beautiful town. It's awful. I hate every minute that I'm sitting in it, that I'm standing in it, that I'm lying down in it. Great food scene. I hate the food here as a chef inquisitor. It's all just slop and piffle. Out there, you know.

That's why I brought my own food and I make it appear and then double it by saying, poofed, look more devilish. Oh, yes. We do agree about the food. The food here is terrible. I have enjoyed these double dags. Yes, I've, it's just all spiced potatoes and falling down on each other. It's terrible

I do wish terribly droop thing that I was my former self So that I could cast some spellety and that we may engage and some grace was at battle and that I Destroyed the outside but sadly I'm just a weak old man who's biting his That's adorable, but you would have that outburst and think that you could possibly match me in your state. Even as just a half a necromancer, I could destroy you in any way possible. Yeah, go there.

Mm mm mm. Ha ha ha ha, are we all laughing, Eveline? Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm poofed over, double also every time we said every time we said poofed the devil eggs doubled So now we have approximately 800 devil digs in front of us. Well, we got these these devil eggs aren't gonna eat themselves Hey, you know what let's take a quick break He started dig into some of these devil eggs

Maybe get some drinks to go along with it. Yeah see some scoops. However that happens. Look, chunt, I don't understand all the food things yet. Bring over more talent flying and kill Zep Zep. Oh, Zep Zep. Zep Zep. I just don't like Zep Zep. That's the only orca I ever liked. Yep, he's gone. You guys have been knowingly laughing for the last several minutes. And our sponsor breaks have been getting longer and longer. So you guys have been doing this for a long long time. You are giving me a yellow, you are. That was good. Well, drip fang, I've got to say, you're clearly evil,

and you work for the Dark Lord who I'm not a fan of. But these devil eggs are delicious. Thank you. I spend a lot of time on my culinary arts, and my servants, making sure that everything that I produce as Chef Inquisitor is up to the standards that I was born underneath. For, I was born of an echoromancer, and eight cobras

underneath a Michelin star. What's that? What's that? You were born of an echoromancer eight cobras underneath a Michelin star. What's that? What's that? Huh? You were born of an echomancer? An echomancer? And my mother? One Michelin star or three Michelin stars? Uh, three Michelin stars.

Wow, Marty, this guy's no joke. I believe it. Oh, I know, every, I was born knee three Michelin stars to eight cobras and a Nebremancer. Your mother was eight cobras. Your mother was eight cobras? My mother was eight copres my mother was eight individual copres

How? Oh great. I can tell you I love talking about my conception story Doesn't my father as you all remember I made my father commit suicide Oh, yeah, yeah, one of the highlights of my life is not the best thing I've ever done Despicable. Thank you. My father took his wand and drew it. He waved it above these eight female cobras. Wand. You for messing? No, no. Actual wand.

Oh, OK, OK, OK. Not his phallus. OK. No, he used that later to have sex with someone else. But he waved it all these eight cobras. And in the magic that he imparted them, they all barfed out different vapors. And those vapors

swirled and formed and that was me, huh? And then he had sex with a lady that the 8 Cobra's knew and that was a big thing in our family. They didn't like what dad did because of his sex. So soon after the 8 Cobra's gave birth to me and they all the holidays were just a nightmare. Can I ask you a bit of a personal question? I would love that. At school and this maybe a source object,

at school do the kids ever call you vapor barf? Oh, that brings me right back to primary school. I'm so sorry. It's all right. All day long, vapor bar, vapor bar, vapor barf, non-stop, all day long, which is why the first thing I did when I attained my full powers was return to the school that I attended, turned it into a giant eagle

and then had it stepped on by a much, much larger eagle that I had also conjured. The large eagle in fact was also made of snakes as a tribute to my mother. You know what, revenge is always best when it's really ironically appropriate. I think so, yes, absolutely. You guys made fun of me.

I'm gonna turn you into an eagle and I have a bigger eagle step on you. I didn't kill Yes, absolutely. You just like you guys made fun of me. I'm gonna turn you into an eagle and have a bigger Eagle step on you. I didn't kill the kids who went there. I filled it with the people that I who were Then adults that I went to school with and I crushed them. Oh wow. Yes, many of whom were the parents of the children who did attend that school They became the orphans that I turned into pythons that all then ate each other. Late Arnie Arnie Arnie, you said, yes, under the. Yes, under the table, under the table. Oh, sure. I'll bring my mic. Yes.

Yes. I think I'm onto this guy. Mm-hmm. Cobras, pythons. Where's everybody under the table? I think this guy's just like a hundred tiny snakes in a skin suit. What? No.

Wait, he's just a guy commanding a bunch of snakes? I don't know. I think he's a cobra commander. I'm gonna say that's pretty dope. I mean, I don't want to fuck with a'm a cobra commander. I'm gonna I'm gonna say that's that's pretty dope. I mean I don't want to fuck with a guy that just a lot of snakes either. I mean I've always hated this guy I've had an eye on him for a while sure I don't know you do I was to get you know eventually we'd face off And I would destroy him with all my great wizardly power bring promise Grink fight to the death fight to the death

Fight to the death, fight to the death line. Oh, it's making them fight to the death for some amusement. I don't know. If he's really a bunch of snakes, is there a way we can find out because knowing is half the battle? Yes, let's go up there and find out. OK. Gee, I know that you said you were a chef and quizziter. But do you feel like you're cold right now?

Do you feel like you can maybe sense the temperature in your room when you put out your tongue? Often I taste the temperature of the room when you put out your tongue? Often I take the temperature of the room with my tongue as I do. Often I go around the room and I check for other snakes. I go on a serpent tour of the room that I'm in to make sure that other half snakes or full snakes are around and they are part of my kind and gift for I am in fact a half of them, Yes indeed.

And you've already mentioned that you love to destroy a lot of things, destroy. Yes. It's a bit of a reach. But all right. I know. I know. You've got a lot of other things to offer. I'm so weak.

It's fine. I understand. It's totally, I'm very tired from going around to the different birds' nests with it outside of Hogsface and making sure all the eggs were taken. So I could demo them. Those the legs. So I really left a barren nest around everywhere that I went. Yes.

I was followed by a hurricane, so I walked the whole time under a storm shadow. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I dig it. Wow. You sure? I can't figure anything out. I'm coming up snake ice here Ali Viper. I know we have to do we have to sweep the legs Quick kick. Wait, wait, what we have to sweep his legs? I think chun's confused, but that's all right Who kicked me I kicked his leg and three snakes came out. No, no, no

Legs legs legs. No, you've discovered my secret. I'm 1,000 snakes inside of a skin I was way off guys. That's a lot more snakes Guys the good news is they're probably all pretty small snakes That's a good boy. They're pretty tiny snakes. Are they all small snakes? Yes Well, they're varying sizes. I don't know what they get up to while they're in there. Okay, I don't ask and they don't tell and that's fine But Arnie's going to give me the secrets so that we can invade earth eat eat and the larger you grow The more life essence will be inside you and the more life essence there is then we destroy you, the life essence will give us the secret of... I have the devil degs.

These are great devil degs. I spend so much time on them. I had these certified by James the Beard as some of the best devil degs in all of Foon. These are James the Beard award-winning devil degs. James the Beard, the Simp-Chin beard, who has great foods. Oh my gosh. Does he have to wear like a hairnet? Yes, he does. He's very strict about health coat violation. Sure. Which this place is.

No. Wait, wait, wait, guys, guys. I feel like we just blew past. Can you pretty much tell us his entire plan? Yeah. Whoopsie. This talent line is very strong. So you're filling me up with food so that I have more life essence?

The larger you are, the more life essence. Okay, all right, back me up, Funa Knights. Am I right? Gang, ladies, we all know what we're talking about here yes the larger you are the more life lessons you have therefore the more that is collected when you die and then your collective knowledge is added to a pool of other knowledge is dead. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Wait, wait, guys. Is it phoenix nights or is it phoenix? Well both are acceptable but phoenix are more like if you're high if you're like if you're high, if you're like, if you're having fun, you're, you know, hungry late at night, Funions is like the proper term. Sajin Slauta.

But seriously, refer to Rader Perry. I don't know what you're talking about. Tomex and Zeynock. Give me your life essence. Guys, why do we have so many extra words around these things? Give me your life. Every word that I spoke is a spell to... to Vex you on our...

Arnie? Yeah, it's Arnie! It's Arnie! You're good! It's every word I've said is a spell to lock you in so that you may chuckle a lesser-known word from that spell. Every part of it will now... Wind into your brain! Like a snake?

Like a STEEK! Oh no, am I gonna have brain snakes? Guys, we gotta keep these brain snakes away from my child brain Adam, yeah, Adam Here, my voice inside your very brain I'm speaking only to you right now Yeah, my voice inside your brain It's right next to you, so I used to know that

Oh, hello Hey, it used to know how I- I didn't know you were speaking directly into his brain I was speaking- Oh no, I was out loud But also directly into his brain Fuck, I don't want- I don't want Arne to have child brain snakes CBS is the worst.

I mean CBS has some stuff going. No, it's the worst. I can't believe this is reality So if I get child brain snakes and they have they can access every part of my brain It'll be CBS all access which is really the worst Deep cut Arnie, I think if you as a big brother, but I don't know if you can come back from CBS Hee, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me every week. Yeah, you're right. On your survivor, please, get through this. Making... Where did you do that one? Make this... Make this knowledge explode.

Give me the blueprint to something. Give me a big bang theory. Arnie, if you die, think of your wife, think of your child. There'd be two broke girls. Yeah. Arnold, give him one secret about Earth. God, I hope my grandfather's listening to that service. He's gonna love it.

CPS cares. But not about you on it. One secret. Give it to me. One secret? Yes. I can't stop. You said, or I can't stop. I feel a secret coming. When I was a child in school,

there was another kid who had a whole stack of 18 trading cards. There was his prize possession, and I took them. What? And he was really sad about it. Oh, okay, stop. I'm outside of your brain. I'm out of your brain now. I'm outside of your brain now.

That's the secret you chose to told me. I didn't choose it. The snake found it. Ugh. Wait a minute, which snake that I sent in? Ernesto! This is... Ugh. Wait a minute, which snake that I sent in? Ernesto! This is, ugh, it's Ernie.

It's, how dare you. Ernie, I sent in the snake that goes in for bullshit childhood memories that have no consequence whatsoever. Ugh, I have to put him back in my pancreas now and figure out another way to get secrets out of you. And I will, I will, Ernie. And they won't be A-T-m-related, whatever.

B-A-T-E-S. Wait, you're not gonna kill Arnie, are you? Hmm, oh no. Unfortunately, the Dark Lord requires Arnie to live, to grow, to expand, to have more life essence within him, so that more secrets may escape him. When the time is right, and we decide to destroy this infernal place

So you're saying that one way that I can foil the dark lord is to lose some weight Don't do that. I'm gonna say yes You know what for your own sake. I'm gonna do it and I'm also gonna say I love my body Destroy all myself destroy all cardio equipment in hog space These robes can't have a lot of it, but anything that looks elliptical in nature! There's a royal equipment? Yes, there's that tread machine in the mill. Uh-huh.

Yes, the tread machine in the mill that you run on to simulate actually going outside and doing something. Oh. My Nordic track. I'm sorry, you have a Nordic track? Yes, of course. Well, you have that path he takes to the ice tundra. Yes, of course, yes. Well, well known, it is. We have a lot- you- you have a knotted trick? Yes, of course. Well, you know what, you have a knotted trick? Yes, of course. Well, of course.

Yes, of course. Well, well known, it is. So, I said, we have a lot more in common than I thought. I hate you so much. I hate you too. I have my bow flex with me. It's the bow and arrow that I have. It's like an elf in exercise, right?

Exactly. Yes, it's very good for the muscles that mostly are within elves, but I have a couple in me just because I took them. You know what, I'm gonna keep doing this podcast, and I'm gonna start losing a little bit of weight. No. I love it when a plan comes together. You're gonna be the biggest loser. Well, dripfang, thanks for stopping by.

Thank you for having me. You didn't have a choice. Nah, it's true. So, what happens to you now? Are you hanging out in Hogswee's for a while, or do you have to report back to the Dark Lord and tell him that you're so far? You've kind of failed as chef and quizzeter. I'm a stay in Hogsface and coordinate efforts as there are pockets of resistance that have risen up against the Dark Lord. I'm perfectly fine with the way he runs things.

I hope everything is eventually just fire and snakes, but apparently a lot of other people don't like that. So I will be coordinating several efforts to root out those who are in secret here in Hogsface plotting against he who I serve above all else. And then just, you know, kind of just trying to have some me time, get to know the now 997 snakes that are inside of me. I, the three that got out I cannot find. Oh no. So there are just parts of you around here? There's three snakes of me around here. You said your vapor barf, are they vapor snakes or they solid snakes? They're solid snakes now, yes they are absolutely. They're solid snakes and eventually they'll try to find like a liquid also lot to be friends

with. My grandfather's interest in this episode has gone down he'll fast. I like the silverware in the Vimili middle tour. This metal gear? Solid. Ice cream soldier. I have some emails. If you can email me at MagicTabbernetPuppies.supplies, it's a real email address. Here's one we've gotten recently.

Hey, quit stealing my Wi-Fi you schmuck. Sincerely, BK maybe. Is that a question for us? Yeah, you know what, I've been, the Wi-Fi I've been doing is BK Maybe question mark, and I thought that man is from the Burger King. Ooh, earth info. Get us anographer!

But maybe it's from this person BK Maybe. Yeah, maybe. How do you communicate with this BK Maybe? Well, they sent me an email to magic tavern at puppies.supplies. I'd, ooh, that's all wowsy, dowsy. I don't understand a minute of it, but I'm gonna write it down and then cross, reference it later.

Well, I'd like to say before you go, Drapeng, that I'd blow to you. I think you're despicable. Thank you. And everything you do is beneath contempt. And I would like to return those exact sentiments to you, Yusodor. I followed your career. I know your work. I hate literally every minute of it. I hope that before you, the worst possible fate, anyone could possibly endure physically, magically, emotionally, romantically, financially. I hope that you're just dust by the end of all of this. And that is the highest compliment that a half-necromancer,

half-eight-copers could give anyone. I hate you, but I do respect you. I hate you! But dammit, I respect you. You know, I have to imagine that the hope of every eight cobras is that their child can someday be more snakes than they are. That is actually the etching that my mother has above the doorway in her cobra home. It's a terror drone.

What did I tell you? Just Chicago actors trying to warn up each other while some talking in accent all call classic fancy. Use it all the blue was played by Matt Young. Watch as his character gathers the strength to remember how to interrupt. Shunned the Badger was played by Adel Raphaya, the human equivalent of an all-night Wikipedia deep dive from your damp, garden-level efficiency. Dripfang the chef inquisitor was played by special guest Kevin Seretta.

For years, the improvised Shakespeare company of Chicago has taken part in a charitable arrangement where, while shows are occurring, Kevin is allowed to stand on stage, even participating in any listing games on special occasions. See for yourself, the look on Kevin's face when he's permitted to contribute is priceless. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arning Neacamp, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Evan Jacover.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Craig, we've put this off long enough. It's time to find out who created that dimensional portal. I'll be firing up the charting array in the East Wing. You finish up here. Okay. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, Additional Audio Effects by Jason Knox,

Production Assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthematicavern.com where you can get a lovely poster with all your favorite characters from the show or a map of Foon, Accuracy.Gerenteed. Check that out today, or visit us on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks for the Chicago podcast, co-op, and earwolf.

Whoops, that was the West Wing. I did find this old floating rose though. Only a few petals left, I'll just throw it in the trash. Did you just hear an anguished cry? No matter.