Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 2, Episode 1 - The Podcast

Episode Date: March 20, 2017

Whatever happened to the man from Earth, the badger and the wizard?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenBlemish:Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Warning, people of Earth. The following podcast is not real. It should not be construed as evidence of the existence of other worlds. And despite my best efforts, this begins its second season. This makes a fine entry point for all of you too busy to absorb backstory. You who enjoyed the Hobbit trilogy never once thinking, I wonder what else happens with that curious piece of jewelry. Do you? Welcome. The concept, if this were happening, is that an easily-winded Earthman has become trapped in a magical land where he hosts a podcast along with a wizard in a talking badger instead of exercising. Most recently, they

squared off against a monstrous ancient evil. Not me, I'm a whole other thing. And have you seen the color palette that accompanies those adjectives? Keep your dark purple, I'll take past Del's from here till Tuesday voices carry. Did they survive their encounter? Have we permanently dampened fan Goodwill with the last few episodes? The dust has settled in a town called Hogsface. And once again, a wireless, wireless signal emanates from a ram shackle tavern in a distant land. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Hello. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. You've never listened to podcasts before. This is everything you need to know. Two years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into

the magical land of Foon. And I started this podcast, and a few weeks ago, the Dark Lord, his name be praised. His name be praised. The Dark Lord took over the town of Hogs face face and imprisoned me and my co-hosts. But I used to record a podcast every week here in the tavern, the vermilion minotaur, and the town of Hogs face in the land of Foon. In the lands of darkness. In the lands of darkness.

Is that it? Yeah, I mean, that sounds about like what you normally would do. And then do I go back to my room now or? No. We need to do a whole podcast. Well, you know what? If I'm going to do the podcast, I need my buddies. I need to see Yusidor the Wizard and Chant the shapeshifter who, you know, is almost always a badger. Say hello to your badger friend. Oh, let me go. Pussychant. Chant, buddy. How you doing, Arnie?

Hey, you never see Chant sit down. How you doing, hey Arnie? Hey, who? You have a seat, giant. Sit down. Have they been treating you all right? No. Oh no. They took my viala sperm. Oh no. They locked me in a room and they kept asking me over and over that if I couldn't find

true love, would animal what I want to be stuck as? Uh huh. I'll wear his viala sperm from now on. Oh no, boy. And his sure eyes is. Well, look, this is an old fucker. I'll just spurm from now on. Oh no, blemishurizes. Well, look, this is an old fucker. Old habits die hard and I shouldn't be invested in doing this, but for new listeners,

Chen is a shapeshifter and you have a file of one sperm around your neck that's the only sperm that you have. And when you want to eventually someday have a child, which we never really talk about that this much, but I mean, I see your situation and I'm like, do I want to bring a life into this world? Look, I know I haven't been the best dad. I do have a child at home who I miss dearly, and I'm trapped in another dimension.

But you know what? You had a butterfly son. I did briefly have a butterfly son, but butterflies don't live very long. You know what they say? Butterfly in the sky. I can die twice as high Cinnabook yeah, no, I wrote it down in the book. Oh, you wrote down in the hook. Oh, you're better fly son No, John. It's good to see you again. It's good to see you. I feel like I've just been tortured Yeah, they kept asking me what animal I want to be if I couldn't find true love well also for new listeners You're a shapeshifter and you change whatever animal I. Whatever animal I, you know, copulate with, I turn into the animal too.

But you're always pretty much always a badge. But well, under interrogation, I was considering being a lobster. Yeah. I know my friend Wallace is a lobster, but I'm just not sure. I think it might be better. Yeah. That's good. That's good.

Yes. See how easily this comes? Just recap. Just restate what's going on. Baron, why do you even want us to keep doing this podcast? Well, I suppose you'll find out. The Dark Lord is still curious about your world, Arnold. And this podcast is the only way that you seem to be in touch with it. So, we're down.

Hey, hey, he doesn't want to talk about Earth stuff, okay? Calm down. He and you and Zonen and Hook Stangies will talk about whatever Baron Rangoon wishes you to talk about. So are you saying the fact that I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional ref? Yes. To my laptop, the fact that I use that to upload this podcast every week is what the Dark Lord is interested in?

Well, I mean, it's not his only concern, but it is of some interest to him, yes. Yeah, go ahead and bring in Yusudori Idiots. Bring him in, he's gonna turn you all the dust with his magic. You have no fucking idea how powerful Yusudori is. Yeah, bring in Yusudori. Bring him in. I am Yusudori.

Was it of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow? Maybe later of magical delights, devour of chaos champion of the great holes of Turokus. Oh, fuck. The Elznamese fiend. Oh, the door. The Dolphs know me as Sunin and Hukstengis. Shut up. And I'm known in Northeast, Saskatchewan-East, Meistah.

They're really appreciate that feeling, Zellic. And then maybe... And then maybe... There are no names. More sacred names. Ah, it's a chunt. Oh, I'll... You sit over.

You're alive. You sit over. Quick! Use your magic. Get us out of here. Yeah, why are you breathing like Arnie breeds? Oh, I can't... I can't use my magic.

I... They've been feeding me a potionary day that... disconnects me from the source of my magical powers. Everyday? Everyday? Oh... Every single day. me from the source of my magical powers. Erry Day? Erry Day? Erry Day. Erry Single Day. So I am, but a frail old man at this time, hoping to stay alive long enough to see this

occupation of Hogsface End. Well, you know what, I want you guys to know. Erry Day, I write the book. Chapter 1. We didn't really get along. Chapter 2, I think you've- I fell in love with you. I don't have any books in the cell where they're keeping me, but I did try to read a rainbow.

Oh, take a look. It's in a book. I'm reading a rainbow. That's beautiful, you use. Lucy, you don't, you just don't look so good. It's just gazing off into the distance. Sorry, it's very hard for me to focus right now. The potion they give me also,

befuddles my senses, and I find that it's me to focus right now. The potion they give me also, befuddles my senses and I find that it's hard to focus for long, probably has something to do with why I'm unable to cast spells like, Gale of Lichten, the Tham, or... Oh, it got slightly warm in here. Yeah. It's Gale of Lichten, comma. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That worked. Are you interested in magic. Wow! That worked! Are you interested in magic? Wow! I mean, I mean... No, I see. I know what's happening. I mean, that's a pretty simple one. Fuck.

No, uh, Yusidor will be forced to drink the potion that separates him from the realms of Ephesius until such a time when he agrees to serve the dark lord. Which I shall now do. You can feed me this poison airy day for the rest of my life, and I shall not succumb to him. Nay, I shall find some way to sneak out of where I am kept, and I shall raise a resistance for I shall deny this. Oh, I was... what was I?

What was I talking about? I don't know. Usually I stop paying attention halfway through. That's... I was... What was I? What was I talking about? I don't know. Usually I stop paying attention halfway through. It's weird when he stops paying attention halfway through. That's a bad sign. It's okay you just ignore stick with it. They have me locked away in the cage and they poke and prod at my generals and they keep

asking me questions and they keep testing cosmetics on me, but I'm not going to join them either. Yeah, and they have me in my regular room here in the Vermilion Minotaur. What are they doing to you? and they have me in my regular room here in the Vermilion Minotaur. What are they doing to you? I just leave me in there. Sometimes I bring like food three times a day. You get three meals a day?

Yeah, I wish. I mean, that's less than I usually have. Chant, you too can be released, and in fact, given whatever for me want, if you decide to serve the dark lord, and Arnie, we can throw some snacks in there. Like snacks? Pretty much. Damn it. Whenever you'd like. You throw some snacks in there. Snacks? Pretty much.

Damn it! Whenever you'd like. You're already getting three meals! I know, but two more than I'm getting! That's too much! That's too much! That's too much! That's too much! I'm getting a favorite part! Arnie, we're ready to offer you fourth meal. Oh, man. It's very tempting.

I know I can't. I can't help the Dark Lord. Yeah. Take your snacks and shove it. All right, fine. Well, then just keep doing your podcast. Okay. It's the one thing that brings me hope. Yeah. We can do the podcast and try to get word back to Earth. Well, we don't have a guest this week.

Should we interview the Baron? Yeah, Baron, if you're so interested in us still doing this podcast, can we interview you? Yes, of course. Yeah, we'll fight him with Arnie's interviewing skills. Yeah, so Baron, how do you have sex? Yes. Oh, good one. Oh, one. Well I mean with my penis. Hmm. All right well that was pretty succinct. Checks out. I mean sometimes you know there's

more of the body involved. You know you try to enjoy the whole thing but your attention just keeps getting drawn back to the penis. Oh Baron, I fear I may have lost this in the chaos of the Battle of Hogs face, but I believe you mentioned that your wife passed away. Oh, yeah, my condolences. Oh, yes. I mean, you're evil, but still it's sad when anybody's wife passed away. But we're not a bunch of dicks. Well, I mean, if I understand correctly, you are the ones who ordered my wife's death so

that you could... That's not exactly correct. No. No? I mean, you said. That's not exactly correct. Oh. No. I mean, you said there was a spy named Hank. Yep. Who had something to do with it. I mean, there are lots of people who don't like the Dark Lord.

I mean, he did mention the blue wizard. Well, he did mention the Badger King. Okay, well, you don't have him. He did mention the other one. Oh, that's me. Now, you see, the thing is, there are, you know, lots of wizards, and maybe he was talking about the end-to-go one. That's kind of a bullshit color anyway.

Yes, my wife, my wife is gone. Well, shoved out of a window into a river of lava. Tell. Which I'm gonna go ahead and say was quite upsetting, one, because she was the love of my life. Wow, yes. And two, I didn't even want that river of lava. Yeah. I just, honestly, I installed it to impress the dark lord.

Yes. Well, came back to bite you in the ass, didn't it? Yeah, she did. She did? She did. But no, it's time to move forward. Now, obviously, if her body had not been reduced to cinders, I would have just asked the dark Lord or one of his Necromancers to return her to me. I don't appreciate the tone.

That's nasty. But, uh, nasty. As it is, she gone. She gone. But, I will say, in even the brightest of times, there is a glimmer of hope. Even? Yes. Even. Yeah. I suspect, well I mean I've met another special lady and

and I think there might be something going on there. Oh, dish. She all that? Well it's a little too soon to say if she's all that. She talked to angels? Well I mean she's being a little coy about it but I suspect I'll be having sex with my penis soon oh tell me more tell me I really I really do not know what more information yeah I guess that's pretty that's like the she was a peasant wench she actually showed up the day that my oh wife died and your spy was found out. Oh, wait guys, guys. Hey, Baron, is it possible? Could we have a little private time? Just the inner workings of the podcast. Sometimes we just need to like, confer with each other just to keep the quality of the podcast up.

This is like inside mittens and it would really undermine my appreciation to here. Yeah, we just want to make sure that we're like properly praising the dark Lord, like we just want to make sure we have that right. Right, I'll let you guys have a minute and then I'll tell you how it goes. Okay, great. Also, perhaps while we're making requests around of Meade. Oh, certainly. And maybe a little bit of Raspberry in it? I'd love a red potion.

No red potion. Oh, god damn it. Meads for roll. Ah, go! The Raspberry is to be withheld until such time Oh, God damn it. Meads for all. Ah, go! Thank you, boy. Hahaha. Oh, so nennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Are you arrogant? I know your name and I will not say it. I know your name, and maybe I'll use a secret one. I'll get the dark lord, my new boss! To tell me one of your secret names, and I'll speak it out loud, even perhaps into one

of these microphones. To so, I dare they speak my secret name, and watch the very cats that are within you, revolt against the interior pot entire apartment inside out. Don't get too worked up, Zonin. Never. Have some more potion in your mead. Oh, no, no, oh. Hey, come on.

Do that again, fuckface, and I'm gonna declaw your penis. Listen to the badger. Perhaps the dark lord can transform you into some of a smaller creature that I may have sit on by accident. Don't sit on me. What is that about? I'll sit on you. I'll sit on you. No you won't.

No you won't. The tables have turned. Is that what you're into? Flamish. I'm into a lot of things now. All the things I was not interested in talking about before. I'm going to tell the world about. What did you want to talk about while the beard was away first of all I was a huddle right no, I think it was me. Oh, okay first of all guys. Hey, hey, it's so good to see you guys Oh my gosh, it feels like old time. I really missed you. I'm so glad you're alive

Yeah, you guys like guys what what wrong in that battle we were really outmatched We had like no chance. I killed about 900 orcs, but I think there were maybe like 12 that other people killed. So I think I really know. You were my fair share. Well look, you know, you were the MVP. No question. You did a great job from what I think you. I threw the lunar sword to a evil penguin. My bad. But no, on the way, as it was arcing into her hands, the hilt of it bumped into a starling, so you dazed the starling. Dazed the bird, guys.

So we all equally kicked this. Yes, yes. I need to teach you guys a fireball spell for sure. That's number one when I get my powers back. Oh, wow. How do you get, how do you like get to fireball spell? Do you like eat a special flower? Of me, sometimes you can eat a flower, that would give you fireballs. You can, uh, you can, uh,

Goodness gracious. You can drink a special lacour that is filled with cinnamon and other spices. Ooh! That will give you the power of fireballs. You can also say, uh, Singthang, Arth- Put! Singthang, Arth- That's not quite right. You can also say Sing thank our put Sing tank that's not quite right

You said, aren't it's okay. You don't need to do magic. Don't worry about it rest up. You'll get your magic But that's like my thing. Yeah Like if I'm not doing magic like no, no, no, no, your thing was the quest We're thinking was the quest that's also sort of shot to hell. Yeah, I'm sorry. Guys, I've been alone a lot in my cell and I've been considering other career paths. What do you been thinking about?

Well, you could do so many things. I, you know, someone mentioned that I should write a book when the quest was over. And I think that perhaps I should do it anyway. Maybe you should write a book called If I Did It about if you did do the quest. If I had done the quest. If I had done the quest.

That's not a bad idea. If I did it by you, Sador. Yes, I think I'll do that. I'm going to begin working on it this evening. Chat, how have you been feeling your time in yourself? By getting my generals poked and prodded. Remember? Has it been just kind of like 24-7? Yes. Well, they keep asking me questions about how I do what I do. I feel

really bad about how relatively okay my accommodations have been. Yeah, three meals a day must be nice. It is. It's been, the one thing nice thing is I've had time to cook, you know, usually I don't have time to cook unless I'm working. Yeah. Chuchu's Chow. Try assume has been burned to the ground of the concert ball by now. Some maybe some good things came out of all this. What? I just never liked Chuchu's Chow. But the Fox Face, I thought you.

Oh, delicious Harry Fox Face. But I do not know if a news has not come to me of anything. I did not even heard word of the two of the, and I had feared the worst had befall on you. Well, guys, maybe we should use this podcast as a platform. Let's bring the Baron back in, and let's interview him, and let's pump him for information. Oh, yes.

That's why we hadn't leave. That his wife, it's probably Tom Blame, right? That's right, we told Tom Blame to try to impersonate the Baron's wife. Guys, also, let's get tattoos. Oh Yes Prison tattoos. What would we get? I Hadn't given it to any thought I would maybe get like a fish in a bowl at the top of a tower Fish. Yeah, good one. That is a good one. That just came to me. Hmm. You would get a bird

Good one. Top of a tower. All right. That just came to me. Hmm. You would get a bird. Oh, I would get a bird. Should we get tattoos that are all the same or that like complement each other? Or should it get a rock? Or should I get a bird on a rock? You can see all those things that you should all rocks.com. Guys, we got a lot of time for plugs. Chuck, can you get a tattoo?

What does that mean? Well, just because you're covered in fur, like we wouldn't even be able to see what you put it. You're covered in hair. I mean, not everywhere not everywhere from what I've seen. Yes except for your eyes Yeah, you just shave part of me and get it tattoo. Oh cool. What if we all got tattoos of each other? No I feel like tattoos of me. What if we just got my face on your chest and it says I don't want to talk about earth I don't I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation.

I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation.

I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation.

I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. I don't even want to keep this conversation. Play it cool. Let's activate our plan. So Baron, what kind of tattoos do you think the three of us should get? Oh, well, I mean I have some of the Dark Lords plans and schemes written on me and dark glyphs. What's this now? Oh, just you know, I've got some dark glyphs Mostly yet, so here's a glyph. Uh-huh. Is that a scheme or a plan? You know what this is more of a promise of doom. Oh boy. It when I look directly at it. It has depth and width and height and something else

It's very upsetting to look directly at it. You said, can you read glyphs and I couldn't be unable to read those I can sense something about them, but they're a setting. I'm trying to play it cool. I do not know, Glist. I'm always rocking and rolling. I don't know. Check the yellow pages. Good.

You're really asy. I'm trying to play it cool. You're playing it cool. And then this one here, this is just a fish in a tower. That is a cool tattoo. Yeah, all of my, all of my mittens team, when I was 17 got this, I don't quite know why. Huh.

Yeah, so what tattoo are you guys considering getting? I don't know. I mean, maybe would it be weird, Baron, if I got the local tattoo artist to just copy all the tattoos from your body onto my body. Oh yes, that would be bizarre. Oh, but would you be okay with it? No. Oh, we're bad. We're not. Aren't you playing cool? Okay, well I didn't want that at all anyway. You're playing it petulant. Cool. I want. Hey, dude. You're playing it calm. Play cool. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, fuck.

Calm, play cool. Oh, yeah. Oh no, fuck. I think it perhaps it's time to take a break. Yeah, let's groove on over to him. Right now. Break, we're heading into break time. Goodbye. Hey, and we're back.

Baron, I am so interested to just learn a bunch of stuff about what the Dark Lord's up to, how he took over the town, what his plan is for all of Foon, ways that he can be thwarted. I just love to pick your brain about that stuff here on the podcast. Well, okay. So I'll start with your last question first. How can the Dark Lord be thwarted? Awesome. That's the one I was most interested in getting the answer to.

And the answer is he cannot. His reign is inevitable, and as surely as he conquered this puny town, he will conquer all towns. He will conquer all cities, all fortifications and villages. He will spread his fel hand over all of food and devour it the devouring is semi-metaphorical it won't literally eat it but you will kind of eat it it's semi-metaphorical yeah how much is he gonna eat it is like how you should or devours chaos you know what that is very similar yeah we still don't understand that either well a lot of emails about it it's exactly the same process no but I mean, just look around.

Well, I mean, obviously use the door and chunt your prisoners, but Arnie, you know, as you're probably aware, you can just open your door and walk out of your room in the town. No, you're not even locked in your room. I didn't try to open the door. I didn't even walk over to the door. It's just nonsense.

My bed is comfortable. Wait, can I tell the people poking and priding my genitals to stop? Well, you can try. They're not my direct reports, but I can start reading. I should have tried that from the beginning. Guys, sometimes you just gotta ask. I'd rather beg forgiveness than ask permission. I learned a lesson.

Sorry, genitals. I would like to stop drinking anti-magic potion. Denied. Well, hey, two out of three ain't bad. I would like to stop drinking anti-magic potion. Oh. Oh. Hey, two out of three ain't bad. But you can just walk down the streets and you can see the various ways that Hogsface has changed. Discover the new Hogsface.

Exactly. I mean, I don't know. Perhaps you'll recall in the past, you might walk down the street and see someone beating a donkey. Well it's illegal to not be to donkey. I'm aware. But it's also illegal to be to donkey. We have been pouring over the town charter.

It's a bit of a mess everyone. But you'll now find it's illegal for a donkey not to beat you. So if you see a donkey, you had ready for a beating. A lot of the things that happen in Hogs face going to be, you know, in old Hogs face, this happened. But a new Hog face. It's donkey beat you. Donkey beat you.

Exactly. I think you understand. What about beating a Yacht? Is that all? Yeah, it's all now. If it happens though, Yacht and Yacht don't beat back. What the fuck did you say to me? Chant come on buddy. It's been a while

He owes you on he owed you that one Um, if you go to the haunted bog, well, I'm sorry to say that your guys this little restaurant has been sunk I figured it's now inhabited by the unsleeping spirits of the dead. Oh, Sleeping. That's's gotta be tough. What about my butt-suit food cart? Well, I mean, that still is sent around. I gotta say, the unsleeping spirits are running the place pretty well.

Yeah, baby. I saw a lot of banners I could see through my window in my cell that say, pure face. Is that like the new slogan for Hogsface? I'm gonna be honest. We are still consolidating the Dark Lord's powers. Usually it's infiltrate, consolidate, prostalatize. So ICP? Yeah, that's insane.

So here's my question, where in town does the Dark Lord stay? When is he most vulnerable? How do we escape from here, get to his quarters and kill him in a sleep? And here's my question, fucking magnets, how do they work? Oh, yes. I want mine answered But then definitely after that. I'm going to answer the last question first. Okay, secretly that's what I kind of did Want to know more play cool? Yeah Which is magnets work through the misguided will of the goddess Un I was one of her ideas and you can see there's a kernel of a good idea there, but like most

of Un, they messed it up, and magnets, along with everything else, need to be restructured under the will of the Dark Lord. Yes, of course. Magnets are a huge mistake. Everyone knows that. Why would you want to stick to pieces of metal gathered? Stupid. It's fucking stupid.

Well, don't tell it to me. Tell it to the goddess, Oon. I will, next time I see her. As to your second to last question, how do you kill the Dark Lord? Yeah. You can't. He has made death part of himself

and doing so made it his slave. That feels like cheating. I mean, it's a pretty clever move. It's clever, but it seems like cheating. But now I see part of the trick of this maybe that there's a semantic element to the way to defeat the Dark Lord. I, and perhaps we cannot kill him, but perhaps his power can be undone. Mmm, yeah, some sort of anti-Semitic. Oh, let's not get into that. And to your first question, where does he stay in town?

He does not stay here in Hogs face. What? You should be thankful he dain't to come here and kill some of you. I'm not that's right guys We don't even know who survived the battle. I think gum got our arms pulled off that looks bad I think we put if we're talking about who I think you are We might have put those back on so that we could threaten to remove them again. That's a weird threat. Although, think about it. I'd be like, mm, been through that.

Yes, but then you know exactly how awful it is. That's true. But no, the Dark Lord came to, well, I'm going to be honest, Yusidor. If you hadn't been here, he probably would not have bothered. Really, we could have handled the rest of you ourselves with the works and the... You gotta kind of take that as a compliment, right? Yeah.

No way other way to look at that. But now that the town is under his control, he's returned, he goes where he will from location to location. He has many castles, I mean, he's basically moved into my place, I've got like... Oh, damn! I know, I'm in the guest room now. Oh. And he's basically moved into my place. I've got like, damn. I know I'm in the guest room now. Oh. Just like, and he's not even there twice a month, but like, you do

not want to be there when he shows up. Do you get like an advanced notice so you can like stay in your place, but then when you know he's coming into town, you have to go to the guest room? Well, I mean, your bowels get watery when he, uh, when he's in the area. But yeah, so usually you crap yourself and so you don't want to be in the room when it happens. Because then you've got to clean up some poop. Yeah. What if your bowels are kind of watery all the time anyway? That's not a problem I have.

Oh, BMI. So you're saying he has multiple castles? How much of food is the Dark Lord or taken? Oh, well I will be honest, last week was a good week. I think we might be up to 1,700% now. That seems high. Oh wait, you know what, I do recall from listening to one of your podcasts that you do presents different, 17%. Oh, let's, I mean I'm not, I'm not a math of your podcasts that you do percents different, 17%. Oh, let's.

I mean, I'm not a math whiz, but. But you know, a lot of the areas that he hasn't moved into yet are just kind of open, they're empty. Sure. Like, we got some good eggs. Did he take the castle in Eureka? Nobody does have Howell's moving castle.

Oh, damn it. Oh, I think that's it. How did he catch it? It's just gotta keep me moving around. Really, I mean. Well, that one was a bit of a, it actually stumbled like right into. How did they catch it? It's just gotta keep me moving around. Really charming. Well, that one was a bit of a get, it actually stumbled like right into Shrek. Like we were, we were planning on this

and then like the moving castle came in. Can I ask you a few more questions about your new love interest? Oh, certainly. She drives you crazy? Oh, yes. She sells, she sells by the C-short? You know, I haven't asked too much about her past, she's pretty cool.

Now Baron, I must ask, is there anything I can do other than pledge myself to the dark Lord to have just some time out in the daylight? Ooh, around the wind and the sunlight and the birds from which you draw strength. Oh, no, I didn't really even think about that. Really didn't you think about that at all? Are we all talking like that? Are we all just gonna like talk like this? I kind of like that. Oh, you're right. You're right. It was kind of a dick move. Oh, I was legit enjoying you. Wait guys, I think I have a plan. Yeah watch this. Follow my lead. Oh, Hey, blemish. Hey, blemish. No, I mean don't repeat me. Just follow my lead. Hey old cat dick. Careful. I got you say chunt. I got my mead that you set in front of me. Yes. And I am super

happy that there's no raspberry in it. Thank you for not putting any raspberry in it. This is exactly what I wanted. Ha. Well, consider this day ruined with this splash of raspberry fool! Oh no! What a terrible thing to have been following you. Oh, and Baron, all I can think about is how badly I want to be inside of my dungeon cell, sitting on the dirt floor with just a little stove and all the fresh ingredients I want to cook all day. Oh, how I loath bean in that, I love bean in that cell. Oh, I just want to be back there right now. So much, can I please go back to my cell?

And I don't want any snacks, please. Oh, blemish. Could you get some snacks for Arnold? No! Of course, Baron. It's not the smile in this screen, no. Sorry. Uh, and uh, do whatever you said or it doesn't want as well. I don't want to be in my cell. Wait, you don't know what to be in my cell.

I do want to be in my cell. I love being in my cell. I-I-I-I'm very confused. I think you said or psyched himself out. I'm not even good at reverse psychology. At what? I mean, forward psychology. Mmm-hmm.

Please put me in my cell. I'm just a weak old man. Sit there and suffer instead. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Have some cocoa buttered roosters feet. Oh. And dislike every bite of them. Oh, I'm gonna have one of those.

Well, this seems to be going alright. You guys have, you know, really normalized this whole situation. You're back in step. Don't say that. I mean, see, you all thought being prisoners and slaves would be awful, but you're having a great time just as you always have. I feel like we're at a real weird bind with this podcast now. I think all I have to do is tell my guards that I don't want to be poked and as you always have. I feel like we're at a real weird bind with this podcast now. I think all I have to do is tell my guards that I don't want to be poked and prodded, and we can at least walk around the town free.

Guys, I think we can make the best out of a bad situation. Yeah, if we can just get out into the town, we can escape, right? Yeah, I think so. And we can use the podcast to try and continue to send messages to Earth, hiding little messages of help us. Yeah, help us. We're under a tree outside of town, help us, we're hiding in a river bed, maybe a little more subtle than that.

As long as there is hope, we are not defeated. Yeah, there, that's the spirit, there you go. Yeah, so you're certainly welcome to leave. I'll go ahead and tell the guards that you're allowed to leave the tavern, but don't get any ideas about actually leaving town. We've built a wall in all directions. That seems like a dumb idea. Don't criticize. Who paid for that? Who's paying for that wall? Oh, you're paying for it. What the fuck?

Wait, now the dark load promised that the forest would pay for that wall, which did make any fucking sense. The forest doesn't have any money, I don't think. I don't know about that, but definitely I won't be gonna pay for it. I'll go ahead and say, uh, relations with the forest are not going quite as well as the Dark Lord would want. We're going to have to eventually take it over, but it's putting up a bit more of a fight. But, uh, which is why there is a wall. In fact, I'm going to go inspect

it with Sheriff Doug Renth now. Sheriff Doug Renth? Yes, he was the deputy. What happened to the sheriff? Oh, GNS said. What happened to her? She was great. We lost track of her during the capture of the town. I'm sure she's much like you. She probably got her. Arms ripped off. maybe reattached, maybe not. If she's out there, we'll find her. Anyway, just keep talking, just keep sending your signal to another world.

And as long as you do that, you can have your fun little chats. I suppose I am not allowed to walk around in town. So I'll head back to my cell now that I love to be in. I'm confused. Do you want to be in that cell or not? I don't know. You said, or play it cool. I thought I was. Not cool enough. Well, I'm gonna go back down there. Goodbye. Nice. Isn't this normally the time where you read those

missives from the other world? Oh yeah, that's right. I don't know if I have any new emails or not. Here's one I got a few weeks ago. Oh no. People stop sending us emails. Well, I don't know like the Wi-Fi seems especially spotty. Guys, more than ever, we need your emails. More than ever, we need you to send emails to MagicTaver

and at puppies.supplies, it's a real email address. Or you can reach me at chunt at gmail.com that's chunt with 60s. And you can also tweet at chunt at jimilacom that's chunt with six tees. And you can also tweet at chunt. At chunt with six tees. Or at magic tavern on Twitter. Or at you use the door of the blue. And I came back for that.

Oh, good. You know, and also it's as important as ever to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or whatever podcasting software you use. Rate and review us. I think you can also rate other reviews as being helpful or not. I think that also helps or just like tell people you like about the podcast. Spread the word.

And I don't think that's helping the dark lord. And listen, if you do write a review, please don't mention Arnie's Yak and Yak, don't talk back joke unless you loved it. If you loved it, say, five stars, not just for the podcast, which I love, but especially for that Yak-D-Yak don't talk back joke. And there's even a possibility

that what we're talking about right now doesn't make any sense because it was such a bad joke we got it out. That's all so true. But unlikely, I'm sure it'll make it in. I'm sure of it. Anyway, I'm sure it'll make it in. I'm sure of it. Anyway, I got this email. It says, subject line, Wi-Fi through resonance stones.

The IEEE 802.11-M Intermodal Wi-Fi standard outlines communication through non-standard devices. In theory, you should be able to broadcast a Wi-Fi signal through a resonance tone if it is maintaining a live connection. Perhaps leave one with Mundo the Grundle or another tavern patron to allow you to upload podcasts wills on your questing travels question mark. Woody, just reminds me that we didn't go our quest. Yeah, thanks for reading it. Thanks a lot Woody. Thanks Woody. Oh, but also guys, we've been really rude to Mundo. Hey Mundo, it's so good to see you too. How have you been treated? Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I just want to say, this is really a scary time and I feel bad and scared and weird and everything changed so fast. But here we are and this is the situation we're in and maybe we're a little bit to blame.

It felt like we were doing stuff, it felt like we were fighting the Dark Lord. Like we put out so much content on the internet, right? Like we all tweeted a lot, but I feel like inside the tavern is just like a magical, you know, glass of dome or something But that only keeps goblins out and we never check the basement We never check the basement guys. We were really underestimated the basement south of the floor of the town We never thought to check down there. We just assumed everything was gonna be fine But you know what guys? I think we learned that we're we're not really heroes We're not like the ideal people to save food, but also like we're here and we have this podcast And maybe we should just do what we can we have to do something we have to do something

We are the perfect people to save food. As I have said all along, and she'll take each and every one of us. I, every capable man, woman and child who wants to stand up and do the right thing, and use a door shall escape here, and he shall rally those people to do what is right. Maybe we were so focused on this quest we were going to go on

that we weren't doing what we needed to do locally. Like quest globally, actually locally. Oh, sweater quest. Sweater quest. I still don't think that was the best one. Were we like humoring Pimbley? Yeah. No, I thought that was a good one.

What? You guys were hearing him. I was humoring him. Can we still agree that this is a boy's year? I don't know that we should. I don't know. Did we earn that? Should this is a boys year? I don't know that we should No, did we earn that? Should we make it more inclusive? I would love that boys Oh It's gonna be a boys year indeed. Let's make it something else no more boys here no more boys year

All right, let's think on it by next week. We'll figure out a new sort of explanation, but guys Let's think on it. By next week we'll figure out a new sort of explanation. But guys, we're gonna do the podcast. Yes, we're gonna do getting nuts and we're gonna make a difference. I feel like this one small thing can make a difference. And I feel sometimes you feel like you're not doing anything like is doing a podcast. Does that even make sense to do it this time? Is it still funny? Is it fun? I feel like it is. Sometimes the stupidest thing can save the world. All right I feel like it is, sometimes the stupidest thing can save the world. Alright. And another episode comes to a close, leaving me here to remind you that none of that was real. Don't start researching Transdimensional Science. If Neil deGrasse Tyson can't figure it out, I don't think Johnny Comments section is

gonna crack the case. Chant the shape shifter was played by Adel Refy. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. If he irritated you before, how's about him at low energy? Well, it could happen to anyone spending that much time around Adel. Baron Ragoon was played by Chris Rathchin. Chris and Matt have another podcast together, the Improvised Star Trek podcast. It's a fair bet one of them has painted figurines in their apartment.

Blebish was performed by an early prototype of Siri, created at MIT by cross-referencing everyone's greatest regrets, combined with a sad trombone. My mistake, it was Martin Wilson. He performs with the Improvise Shakespeare Company. Oh, does Martin think he's still in the Improvise Shakespeare Company? Martin, check your email. Hello from the Magic Taverness produced by Ryan DeGeorgie, Evan Jacover, and Arnie Neacamp. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Theme song by Andy Poland, Logo by Alud Laban, and whenever the background audio loop changes for an episode, that's thanks to Jason Knox. Don't forget to subscribe and write a review for the podcast on iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. Special thanks to Ear Wolf, home to this fake podcast for over a year now, and thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op. Alright, that does it for me today, to do list vanquished.

All that's left is to draw a different doctor who on each of my 13 fingers, and let the hand-orgy commence.