Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 21 - The Lurking Phantom

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

The boys finally confront the terrifying entity who has been skulking around the school.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Lurking Phantom: Kevin ScirettaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the country's most exclusive boarding school. Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Binge all 10 episodes of Academy, early, and ad-free on Wondering Plus. Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts.

Greetings, soundwave lampries. It's your friendly authority to voice. Making peace with the fact that one of my intern clones has followed me to Earth, most likely to beg for my HBO go password. In other news of things we were hoping to avoid, hello from the Magic Tavern has live shows coming up. January 12th in Atlanta, possibly sold out by the time you hear this. January 13th in Charlotte, North Carolina. January 15th in Portland. January 16th in Seattle. And January 17th as part of the San Francisco sketchfest. Get info and links to order tickets at helloforthemagictavern.com by clicking the live shows link.

These shows are approaching fast and the moment they're done I don't have to promote them anymore. Along those lines I finally enabled some space bunker tech that allows us to record sponsor messages at a distant point in the future when we have the time, then transmit them to be played here. But no worries, whenever they're from, they'll always be relevant to your interests. You hip, savvy, sexually adventurous podcast listener. Okay, let's flip the switch on this thing and see what we get. Hello from the future. I'm recording this at the end of the episode to test the new sponsor tech. Also, nice Martin Wilson burn you star.

There you have it, an exciting new method to handle everyone's favorite aspect of entertainment, the advertising. And Mal, sit back, Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from Jizzle Nile Monthly. Monthly? What's this? You told us it was monthly. I'm sorry. It was a slip of the tongue. I promise you, every episode we record gets released. Okay.

I'm not. Why? What's that? Why? Well, I think it's good if the podcast comes out every week and then we record one every week. Although I guess we did record some extra stuff for bonus content which is available on Stitcher Premium. Why don't you change into that voice?

What do you mean, you put on a weird voice? I just said that we have an extra stuff that's available on Stitcher Premium. What is that? Go to Stitcher Premium.com slash magic. You don't need to do that to talk about all the wonderful bonus episodes of Fatal Bull Thruisha Prey. Oh, what's going on with you two? I didn't put it on a voice.

I just said there's a wonderful mini-series like Earth Games and offices and bosses and I am Spintaks the podcast. Yeah. I think we should be doing this daily. Daily? That's how you hone your craft. I feel like I need a week to recover from our conversations. You know, I'm not really like an extrovert. I'm a little bit an extrovert, but I'm mostly an introvert. I just need like, I have

extrovert qualities, but mostly I just need to be like an I and T.P. like a what did you call me? I and T.P. What the fuck is that? You're introverted. Mm-hmm. Um, nicely. Okay. Okay.verted, um, nicely. Okay, okay. Two puppy. Yeah, that is me, two T, introverted, nicely, two puppy. Yeah, yeah. I'm more convex than introverted. Yeah, okay, how do we unpack that?

Convex? Yeah, this is sort of like rolling outwards. more convex than introverted. Yeah. Okay, how do we unpack that convex? Yeah. This is sort of like rolling outwards. I'm sorry, not to make this about me, but no one's mentioned. You have so far. No one's mentioned that I'm wearing a different outfit I had made for myself. Oh, yeah, what is that?

I commissioned a airline pilot uniform for myself. Yeah. So I don't know. I just got when I was telling my students that I'm an airline pilot on Earth, I just had this feeling of power. And it just gives me that extra boost of confidence when I walk around dressed like an airline pilot,

even though no one here has any idea what that is. But people seem to respond to it. Now, if I recall, this was a passing moment for me a week ago, well, you meant lurched out that you were an airline pilot to your students in a moment of desperation. And now you've decided to double down on that? Yeah, I felt like I thought about it, and I thought I could go back to the class

and tell them that I'm sorry I made that up. I don't know why, but then I started to feel real scared about admitting that to them. So instead I spent all of my money and a lot like an entire week of time just trying to explain what this should look like. It is hard to admit that you lied to your first class. I can see if it was like, you know, your business class,

your coming class, but your first class, it's hard to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Although you know what, my coach, fuck yeah. Now, a couple of things here, as someone who had never, ever, spend a lot of time and gold on buying a fancy costume pretending to be someone else.

I find this to be very strange behavior. Secondly, now, I'm so sorry, can we switch? I want to be by the window. Yeah, I feel like when we recorded the professors logic, I feel like I'm always, I just want to be by the windows. No, no, no way. You want to be by the aisle. That's where the space

Much better second Don't you imagine that most of the students didn't even notice or care that you had said that? Do you really think they would have come back and killed your Heels to the fire about normally. I think that's true But I was so nervous that when I said I was an airline pilot, I started crying after that, so I think it just stuck with them.

It's just something they remembered, even though they didn't know what it was. Right, never show weakness around kids. Well, on the upside, I think you look very sharp. Thank you. You're a very dapper. I've been wanting you to get some kind of beautiful for a long, long time.

There's just something about it. I get up in the morning, put on a uniform, it just, I don't know, it focuses me in a way that I feel like I haven't been in a while. Exactly. Yeah. I see you get up early, I see you grab a pan and make some eggs, you know, in the AM, grabbing a pan in the AM.

Yeah, exactly. You know, I feel like I've found like one line of like motivation, another line of preparation. I found my Delta. Mm-hmm. And now I think that's what that means. I teach math. I should definitely.

And the three of us are now united. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. A-A. Oh, Arnie. Just thinking about our party last week. Let's conversation myself. Oh, Arnie. Just thinking about our party last week. Let's conversation myself. Well, that's too much wine.

Yeah, exactly. What else? That's a spirit. Yeah. Did you hear about El Roy's dad? What? El Roy's dad, Jet. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Blue a guy. Oh, really? Yeah, Jet Blue a guy? Sorry to go Jet Blue, but yeah. Yeah, Well, that's a new frontier for us. Yeah Exactly. What you know what? That's a spirit Are you? Do we already do that? Yes, you weren't waiting. You're in head thinking of well I don't have somebody out there like bringing what everything I say and for a landing enough enough enough

But we must focus here pan-am through to that Yes landing. Enough, enough, but we must focus here. Pan Am, do we do that? Yes. Well, some of us are more subtle, but we've come here for a purpose. I reminded us all last week that we're not just here to be professors, even though I'm an excellent professor who's caused my students to grow another set of eyes on top of their eyelids as they snow loudly in my class. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, you're clearly winding up for something important, but I'm going to distract you for a second. Okay. What's up with that creepy student Simmons?

Simmons, my pet student? Yeah, the one that keeps saying, thanks for the knowledge. Oh, well, you see, he came in this week as usual and every day after class, he asked me to tell him some story of a wizard who had gathered power from distant lands, and I told him many of those types of stories.

And every time he said, I can't wait to visit those myself. And I thought, what an inspiring young lad, and so just ready to take on the world. And then, as I was flying around on my peckriffin, I flew past him in his common room one night and he was engulfed in flames Oh, so he's dead. No. Uh-huh. He's stronger? Stronger than ever before. I

Is bright a red than you can imagine. I think he's gonna do great things. This dude's fucking evil. What? What do you say that? Who bursts in the flames and get stronger from it? Uh awesome magicians He's got you there. That's who fine, but anyway, I'm so sorry You said or you were you are about to say something that I've totally forgotten. Oh, you were saying guys We're not just here to to teach We're looking for an agent of the dog. Okay, I got interrupted.

Okay. No, no, go ahead. I'm gonna interrupt you. I speaking of evil, I had during my class all of a sudden time froze and this thing showed up with a leaf in front of its face and ate one of my students. Oh no. It's brutal.

But he got away, so. Magri? Was that Magri? I don't know. I don't know, is that Nesany? You said Greek? Magree? I don't know. I don't know is that this any you said Greek? McGree, I don't know what you're saying. I'm not sure I'm saying the right thing What happened what happened after that the time start back to just normal? Yeah, yeah, I guess it did because I'm here right yes I know so just weird stuff happens at this school, right? I know. Like that, like that, oh, the lurking phantom.

I know. Slashing a painting? But yeah, slashing paintings, whispering things to the dinkle-dong students. I mean, that can't be good. That can't be good. No. Aren't there like school rules about whispering

to the school? Yeah. Is there school rules about whispering? I suppose they're probably all. But the school's been right. I think one of the rules is if you're gonna whisper you should do a stage whisper because we we still want people to understand what we're saying. We just want to give the effect of a whisper. Pick up what was saying. I understand. How are you? You are fucking the loudest person in all of food. How is your the last person in food?

Honled. Yeah, I am not only professor knee camp. I am not only the loudest person in food Well, I run the gamut from soft to loud hard to quiet That it makes sense, but This week you just see a doctor about that. I runs hard to soft. Yikes, buddy. This week, I so shame. Snake in an SNESA and they told me that they heard evil words being whispered into their ears by this very phantom. They probably loved it. Oh, they, yes, they were enjoying it and drinking a lot of alcohol while they did. Yeah, classic fresh grape twins.

Look, if there's something evil happening here in the school, then like maybe as part of our quest, we should figure out what it is and defeat it. Mm-hmm. No. Good laugh, you said, or you're right. That is kind of funny. That wasn't me.

What? Are you sure? Laugh. Yeah, that was it. I don't know. I don't know. Chun, don't laugh at your own jokes like that. That wasn't me.

That wasn't you. It wasn't me. It definitely wasn't me. Tazu, I am what awee. What is that? I am whataweeja. What is that? I am whata. Woohoo! Do you hear that?

I, yeah, I think it's someone from Jabba's Palace. Ha ha ha. Lend Jabba no more. Who are you guys at Chrome on your face? Sly. Sly. Sly. I said I'm low-d.

What is that? Well, with the piece of art in front of this it goes a tear living across it. Oh Do you feel the room getting colder? Yeah, but it is that time of year. Yeah, put on a jacket. Why it's nearly the winter solstice There's so many wonderful holidays. We won't get to celebrate if we're murdered by this phantom Did you hear that? Yeah, I think this... Something's in take off your clothes.

Not age well. Something's in take off all your clothes and then there's a puff of smoke and it's said, S-E-X. I swear to God, this is... Oh, I'm terrified. Follow the sex word outside and then kill yourself. What? Sex word outside.

Oh, kill yourself. Look at the painting! The priest in that painting has a... Sex word outside. Oh, kill yourself. Look at the painting. The priest in that painting has a boner. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. Bo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo I thought it was just me, you know, like most people from my world. Most of what I learned about sex is from TV. And I was always like, ah, mine's one that doesn't make that boy a yoyang sound.

Mine goes, oh, oh, we're surrounded by an evil entity right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Show yourself, spirit.

We are here to defeat your evil one sin for all. Are you a minion of the Dark Lord, and if you are, you have to tell me. Warmer. Warmer. Oh, I think we have to move around the room. Okay, let's go. Okay. Okay, we're pullers. We'll go back the way we came. Hmm. Here. Oh, yes.

This is the entrance to the common room of House Dingudo. Oh, no. I guess, should we go into the dinkledong house? That's what warmen normally means. Yes, I'm opening the door, I sink. This ghost has more vocabulary than just warmer and colder, but I'm still committed to this warmer and colder thing. Warmer again. Oh, what a terrifying common room this is. I have never seen it before. Oh, so many dark

Monstrous the decorations. So many heads on the wall heads and skulls and all sorts of dark hexes written in rooms Fuck towards the fire. What's that mean? Fucked toward the fireplace. Fucked towards the fire. What's that mean? He means walked toward the fucking fire place. Oh, it's all over the walkters. I think it's literal this time. Oh, there's a...

Oh, it's a direction. Oh, cause towards the fireplace is warmer. We're gonna be hot. We're not the fireplace. We're hot. I'm too scared to be in here. There are all these hexes and this voices and there's this book here about libertarianism on the table. That's not mine.

Fuck that book, that book sucks. Probably like a freshman. Yes, that makes sense. Okay, we're at the fireplace. It is hot. In turn around. In turn around? There's an in turn around?

Can I get some coffee? Oh. Turn around. can I get some coffee? Turn around oh Who what so I guess oh? My god Well done detective Next to that! Oh, well done! Oh, well done! Thank you!

It's what I would say if you weren't a couple of fucking dumbass, bumbling boobs. Oh, shit. I really put myself out there and enjoying that. It only took us six minutes to figure it out. Six minutes and explicit directions. Drip thing. Ah, yes. Hello, Yusidor.

Hello, Chant. Hello, what's it's, Fox? Professor Nechem. Not gonna say that literally ever. Hello, Yusidor! Hello, Chant! Hello, what's it, Fox? Professor Nekim. Not gonna say that literally ever! Tell me where this phantom is. Dude. I'm the- I'm the phantom.

Oh! Triffang! Triffang, you died? No! I'm not- No, I didn't- Okay. Everybody have a seat. Okay. Alright.

We did- We did so much walking Ooh. Everybody have a seat. Okay. All right. It's tough. It's tough, it's tough, it's tough. We did, we did so much walking at the top of this episode. Very happy to be sitting. Yes, please. Everybody make yourself comfortable. Let me throw this book about Libertarianism in the fire. Ooh. Oh, it burned in a green color.

It is very scary in here, but these are comfortable seats. They are comfortable. There's no reason not to be terrifying, but comfortable. Fair enough. And I will say this now, you are looking not at a dead-grip thing, but a live-grip thing. Yeah, touch. Touch my hand. Okay, touch my hand.

Oh, it's snakes. Ah, yeah. I'm busy since last we saw each other. Since you embarrassed me. Sorry, Dr. Fing, I'm busy since last we saw each other since you embarrassed me sorry, I'm so sorry I touch your skin and I felt snakes but snakes are cold-blooded so boy I still need proof that you're Alive okay, does that make sense just cuz your cold blood doesn't mean you're actually cold. It's oh for fuck sake Okay, great Ask me a question that only a living person would know would you eat today?

What did you say would I eat today? What would you eat today? Okay, what would I eat today if I had my druthers? I would have Brothers yeah, he's alive. Yes. I would have druthers, which is what I call a basket of dead rats Oh, brothers original. Oh, I carry them in my grandma's bag You're not giving my reveal the weight that it deserves Well everybody take it from the top. Go back out. Go back out of the common room again Let's go back out of the box. Yeah, you know what? I let's do notes now so that we fix everything and then we can just do it and we can enjoy ourselves

You're wearing half a mask, which is just look bad I'm the lurking phantom of DiggleDop. You're scary enough that you don't need half a mask. Let either go full mask or no mask. Okay, great. I took it as okay. I was defensive, but what you were giving me with the compliments of thank you. I think a half a mask in theory could work, but it's got to seem like a choice.

Cool, contradicting notes. I saw this mask in the fire. It burns green, because I made it out of a page from the libertarian book. Alright, let's all go back outside and come back in. Everybody go back to- Back to what? Back to one. Places. I'm going into my shadowy corner. And...

Action. Ooh, look at all the scary hexes here on the wall. Ooh, and the terrifying skulls. Oh, look at all the scary hexes here on the wall. Oh, and the terrifying skulls. Whatever shall I find here in this room. Guys, I've got a theory. I think it's not a ghost at all. I think it's a trip fan. Kai, how am I?

How did you figure it out? The whole thing is that it's a reveal. You're tricked by the phantom-mix nature of my work, and then I turn it into a random thing. We didn't see it's coming. What the trip rank? Hmm. For what reason are you hiding out here, a jizzle knob as a phantom, eh, slicing up paintings.

What nefarious purpose could there be behind these acts? Yeah, also fucking weak-sustied. What's- we- S- we slashing paintings? Yes. Oh, well, I- okay. I have a good reason for why I do it, and it's an evil reason. So it's not- B-bashing paintings? Yes. Oh. Well, I'm... Okay. I have a good reason for why I do it.

And it's an evil reason. So it's not... Okay, so it's not a good reason for the side of good. It's an evil reason for the sides of... I just want to make everything explicitly clear. It's a justifiable reason for being evil. I've justified the reason in my mind because every villain is the hero of its own story. I respect you.

Okay. I will tell you if you agree to walk to the fireplace and turn around and whatever, right? No, I make you will be scared and surprised. All right, let's go. Walk over the fireplace. Walk over the house. Because he says he's just a fire that I feel like

he's addressed the elephant in the room. Sure, sure. OK. We're all facing the fireplace now. OK. And turn around. Happy birthday! Whoa!

No! And when you get my age birthday scarier the mortality of time is not the proper application of vocabulary The mortality that is implied by the passing of time You don't need your mate of snakes. You're made of snakes. You don't need to go Okay, so okay great, so we're still doing notes you don't have to only of snakes. You're a mate of snakes. You don't need to go, ooh, ooh. Okay, so okay, great. So we're still doing notes. You don't have to. Only if you're open to them. Okay, good.

Look, I want to be my best. I will, I will. I will work with you again. No, thank you. I appreciate that. In this market, you're never sure of like when your next job's not gonna be your last job. Okay.

Yeah, a big pile of wriggling snakes that takes the shape of like a human form Honestly, I gotta say that is scarier than most ghosts. Okay. Well, okay I wish I'd known that before I got here two weeks ago and spent the entire time haunted in a fucking place and whispering to die school kids That's creepy. Yeah, okay. Yes Okay, I heard what I said and I don't like it. I have been here, I've arrived here two weeks ago, and have been doing my dark works for the purposes of winning the war of Foon. You will be the first casualties in Tripfanks Revenge Tour.

Everybody dies who I want to die. Well, good luck with that. For I imagine Yusodora is upon this list of desired death, but I shall not fall so easily. I shall fight and fight and fight until my last breath is drawn. See, that would have scared me. Two weeks ago. Maybe. Except that, in all my travels, let me hear to Giselnab, who named this fucking place. Can. Oh really?

The fact that he survived is at a miracle. I came to this two weeks ago in search of the... Aspects that I would need to form the one weapon that could kill anything on food. Including drumroll wizard. What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with my necromantic powers and my various weaponry. I had the power before to do significant damage to you, but you'd always reconstitute as a bunch of birds or hear yourself a turn to a vampire or some fucking shit like that. Arnie, I could just give him a bad egg

and he'd die in three days. Shout out to kick down a flight of stairs, who cares? But you, you, you were the puzzle. And I just got a big, big piece. I very much doubt that you have forged some weapon capable of causing me permanent damage. You would think, based on information, you don't have, except I know exactly what I have, because I, in the two weeks, have been guiding the dingle-dong students to bring me the items that I need leaving them and then taking them and then

slashing paint because okay the slashing paintings thing okay here we go okay so a quick detour off of the main and then I'll get back onto this this is because it seems like maybe it's not the most important detail but it's just one that I'm interested in you pretended to be art or art pretended to be you oh yes when you destroyed hogs face made me look like a big dumbass and also made my friend Bearer a goon look like a big smucker. You know what's calling Randy. I always call it a brandy rangoon That's a good name. That's pretty good. Yeah Yeah, you know what for new listeners who maybe didn't listen to season two we pulled a good

Wiki page has a voice now we pulled a great big old switcheroo on drip fang and the baron and We painted magical copies of ourselves and We tricked them and we saved all of hocks face. It's pretty good It's pretty good good and now I am afraid and suspicious of all paintings. So if I see anything that is painted and is flat against the wall or propped up somewhere, I will produce my necromancy. Sorry, my wife's over here. He uses that, he doesn't like to talk about art.

Oh, okay, sure. Well, I slash art now just in case it's one of you stupid fucks. But now, I know that they aren't. Because the stupid fucks are you? Ask not for whom the stupid fucks for the stupid fucks for the... You can tell he's been waiting to say this for a long time. No, nailed it. He's clearly not an off the dome speech like this is he sat down

He wrote it right. I felt like it was in the snake bones Use it or yes, I will kill you with a weapon that I have made in the metal shop of this Preparatory school. Well, I would like to see you try it for you Are a prepare of evil and I am a force of good and good always triumphs Oh, I evil for when you are so dismissive to call your friend Shangleberth Randy That's why I don't remember it reminds me why Shangleber You are not worthy to continue existing something Something's gonna pop it as a baby.

So let us now enter this time, where we shall be in combat, and only one shall survive. Do you agree with this combat? Is that what I hear? Do you now use it or agree to the terms of wizardly combat? Now here with me, wizard versus necromanceromancer good versus evil snake man versus dumb ass. I do Arnie just stretch the number one 15 popped up a blow if you still said what does that mean? And we're standing slightly behind him With circles around our feet. Are we in this fight, too? I hope not.

Don't worry. You'll each get your turn. Oh, my number's 30. This sucks. Everyone's HP is shown above their heads. And everyone in the room during the Wizard's Battle is fair game. Oh, shit. You read the search test?

I agree. Everyone in this room can be used to be damaged or do damaging. Arnie, you have a one above your head. You better sit this out. If I were you, I would leave the entire... I would try to get out of the county. Oh, okay. I'm still standing there.

My legs are very tired. It's so much walking at the beginning of the episode. Good gravy. You! Yes, you, Siddor. I've wanted to kill you the most for the longest time. And once you're dead, these two shall fall. And I shall show you here. I shall produce the weapon that I have made. Here, look upon this grandiose blade. Shhh!

Shhh! Mmm. And you said you made that in the Metal Shop? I made this in the Metal Shop. Is a Metal? Oh, this is dumb. Is a metal shop called a forgery? Because a for- if you forge something, it means to make it, but to forge something, a forgery is a fake. And I knock you. Oooo, that serves!

Ah-ha-ha-ha! I call this blade obsidian doom! Oh. See, yes, thank you. Oh, I'm at a 29. See how it opposite of shines. How the light is there sucked into it. How it shall be an instrument of death dedicated to the Dark Lord. You made me a fool in front of the Dark Lord.

He who I am value above all and your death shall be a mighty gift that I give to him, with his primary phone dispatched all of food shall be his. I fear, Arnie, that this may be a blade capable of doing what dripfang does say. What? But then, but yeah, yeah, worst-case scenario, he kills you, and you come back, that's what you do. What you always do. Interesting point, this blade is so enchanted. Yes, it's dark, dark steel,

so that it will absorb all your whizzily essence directly into it, never to escape again. My spirit would be trapped there, and never able to reform into another wizard. Do you like your clone? Oh, well, my essence, so I'd still be on the market, but my essence would be trapped there in the lake. Spell practice.

Kill that plan, bring it back to life. Do it dance. What do we do? Well here's what we're going to do. We're going to cast Shadow Wall to buy some time. Shadow Wall. They got a darkness. Darkness envelops me. Oh no, whatever shall I do, got darkness. Darkness envelops me.

Oh no, whatever shall I do, that darkness is enveloped me. I guess I'll just cut through it with my normal sword. I need to tell you these beings are casting. I'll cut through it with my knife. Well, no, no, no, no. I'll do some acromance on it. Oh, poop. It's darkness.

It's not. POOP! It's a new blade. Run! We have to take a break. It's darkness, it's not... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU the rewards and then your eternal one. We'll be right back. Hahahaha. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Tripfac. What? But before you try to kill any of us, like, why?

Why do you keep doing this? You're not so bad. Like, we've met you a bunch of times. We've interviewed you. And yeah, yeah, you you're evil and you talk about your evil plans and working for the Dark Lord. Maybe I'm crazy but I see a spark of good inside you. Yes the expository section of the wizard battle. I shall allow it. I hear you. I want to and I want to say your name is Ernie. It's- it's hard.

I know your name. I'm just never gonna say it. I hate you. So, you want to know my reason. This is not a thing where it's like, oh, there's a spark of goodness. I see the light there within the darkness. The spark is, look there inside my soul. And now, child, only see Venom.

Well, that's my heart. It's all, it pumps Venom. Cause my insides mustnate. It must make sense. All that I have done is in dedication to the Dark Lord. And is Venom part of our storyline? That can't be right. I think Venom is in so universe.

Yeah. Aren't you in your own universe? I, there's a part of me that is owned by a wholly owned subsidiary in Skur, but I have certain intellectual properties that I lease out into Israel. Oh, okay, through it. The thrill, the thrill, the thrill. The thrill, okay.

So, yeah. But I have heard your venom is bad, but it's almost like so bad it's good. Oh. Interesting. One would think, now we should have seen that movie. I'll tell you what. No. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell everybody in here what's going on. Oh, my life. I've seen that movie. I'll tell you what and I'll tell you why I'll tell everybody in here what's going on all my life

I've been doubted look down upon there and Scourged and scorched and yet when I found necromancy and necromancy found me I was brought to fullest power so don't go calling me good buddy I'm holding a giant evil sword that I forged with mystical artifacts that I stole from a school I am objectively and subjectively evil and I've been embarrassed you have almost cost me my place with the dark Lord You see this you see there's a page from the book of sight We're looking at from the libertarian book. That's a page from the Libertarian book. Oh, sorry, let me throw this away.

Oh, God, that one just crawled away. Got a hate on Rhyme. And Rhyme, I'm Rhyme, Arm Rhyme. That's the author's name in this universe. It's a sentient skin that wrote a book about Arm Rhyme. Arm Rhyme. Yeah, wrote a whole book about being self-sufficient and then immediately going on social security.

Here's the thing. This is the page I was talking about. A page from the book of sites. I wanted. No. No, she'll not have it. For he's given it to us when we do serve the Dark Lord, but I no longer in his employ. Mine.

Every day, a new sentence is added. One word following another runes after runes, glyphs after glyphs, and when the end of the page there is reached, there shall be no footnote, there shall be no citation, I will be out of the Dark Lord's service, I will be banished. I will have no purpose. Oh, no. You're like on an extended vacation, but everybody knows that that what that really means is that you're probably gonna be fired. I'm telling everybody that I'm taking some time to really get to know me and what my focus is, but everybody knows I'm on probation at work because I fucked up real real bad. Now, you got tricked by a bunch of really bad drawings

of the people you were supposed to capture. Well, I got, I was in a party mood. You know, when you show up at a party and you're just like, I'm gonna gain home and I'm gonna put myself out there, we're gonna have fun, I'm not gonna worry about anything. Sure, these are flat, backless versions of the people I normally know.

One keeps coughing for no reason, but hey, my friend is here, who's a witch, another's a baron? We're having a bad-ass time And then next thing you know I'd an entire tavern is on top of you How I'm so sorry to ask that's rude like sorry. How did you get out of there? I dug and I dug and I dug I dig and I dug and then I, and I dug, and then I realized, oh no, I'm going down, and then I had to dig back up and through the rubble, through the, yeah, yeah.

And I was on the back of my giant as well, so the giant's digging, and the giant's digging, and I'm digging and giant's, and finally we thought, moonlight. Why didn't you just separate it into a bunch of snakes and find little holes and go out that way? Okay, well, that's helpful now that I had to re-stitch myself together and put my giant pipe, the giant's right outside by the way, look at that window.

Oh, hello. There he is right there. He's going to factor prominently into the wizard's battle in a second. Oh, looks like he's still crying from seeing Moonlight. It's a great, it's a great, very powerful, very powerful, that image. You feel good. Look, I put myself back together and then I moved and I walked

and I scraped and I screamed. So then I could come here to face you down, use the door with this blade to kill you and then take my time with your dumb friends. Very well. You have had your opportunity to have your wizards pontification is the first part of this battle and now I would like to take my turn To also tell a story of why we're about to fight

I was also blighted by the light you didn't tell us the shutter Giant punch to the wall I cannot see. Giant, punch through the wall! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Uh-oh! Yes, grab him, my giant.

And drag him outside. Oh, no! Feather light. Oh, fly, grab him! Oh, light is a feather. The foley with stiffer's a ball. I shall use snake spear. Yeah!

Fla! Arnie, this snake's wrapped around me. I wrapped up like it is. No. I shall use snake spear on Arnie. Duh! Now he's wrapped up. Gave me the opportunity. I'll have to. It seems. Actually, you snake spear on Arnie. Now he's wrapped up. Gave you the ability to notice that.

It seems like everything comes from snake spear. Well, I feel like snake spear is actually many snakes, right? It's not just one snake. No one snake could do all that. Snake leap. Yeah! I was ineffective. It jumped across the room.

Snake leap. Snake leap. Snake leap. Wizard punch. Wizard punch. Wizard Punch! Wizard Punch! Snake block! Snake block! Snake block! Snake push! Ah!

Wizard fall! Ha! Ha! And down out of the hole my giant punch decos and onto the ground. Look around you, Yusodora. Oh, what do you see? Wouldn't you know you've landed in a graveyard? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You shall not strike me with that, for I shall use what's here as around me. Dead amiss. Corpseous, necrophied mortemiss. Rictus-scale amiss. Dead get up! Ha ha!

You are surrounded by the reanimated corpses! Do you ever say mortemiss and then rictumous? I feel like that's real close. Yeah, at least I didn't say fictilist, rickless. Chunt, get your war hammer. I'm too busy doing wordplay. That's my offense. Onnie, take my sword.

I'm just making sure the audio equipment, I mean, do you know how hard it is to make sure that the mics are following you guys as you snake leap around? Cops is poofed! Ah, now they are doubled! Ah. Attack used to a- Flamering! Ah, now they are doubled! Ah! Attack used to do it!

Flamering! Ah, duh! Let's keep attacking! Sacrifice yourselves again! For me! A new corpse! Troll hemis! Corpse hemis!

Jump up and kill hemis! I'm shooting fireballs at all these corpses! I need you to help in some way! Chunchy, we can't- I guess sandwich run or something, maybe? I'm not sure. What the best way we can help. I mean, we can. I guess sandwich runner something maybe. I'm not sure what the best way we can help. I mean, I can turn into anything it will now,

so I could turn into like a blue will and just. Snakes leave, snacks. Oh, Mongoose. Snakes, what? Snakes are bunch. Snakes are bunch. Snakes, what? Snakes, what?

Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Snakes are bunch. Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Snakes, what? Sn. I know, like, to just listen to this,

the listener at home probably it all makes perfect sense. But if you're seeing it visually, it's confusing. It's so hard. That's why I don't wanna help out is I can't tell who's there. There's so much going on, it's so busy. Whoa!

I always depicted it as just like, you know, one on the right side, one on the left side, but this is everywhere at once. Like snakes flying and suddenly a random time. Sculls us. Ow, I knew that guy. So it attacked. So it attacked.

So it attacked. So it attacked. Onni, Chunch, I don't know how much more I can do to protect you. You said, it's Professor Neckamp. It doesn't matter right now. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- I hate really good. Okay. Like, the power of light, the power of good. Okay. I don't know. I'm like, so it's more spiritual. Yeah, it's not anyone at the top.

Ha ha! Yeah, I've absorbed the light into the obsidian dune. And now with this dune, I should dune you. What last words has to out to speak? Use it or the douche. I shall say this unto the trip, fang. In though you may strike me down here and now, once and for all, good will win.

Next pierce. In the end. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, long raising of sword. Bringing down of sword. What? Where do you, where do you go? I had him. He was right here and he's gone!

Oh was I? What? Oh was I nearly a shadow? Shadow-Cut! Shadow-Cut! Shadow-Cut! I was telling like that was gonna be a snake spear tragedy, but it was a snake spear comedy. Yeah, trip-fang, I have the upper hand. What chance do you have now to win as you face the full might and glory of a wizard unleashed upon thee! Oh, damn it!

We gave you a chance, Tripfant. It could be good, and you just had to be bad. I would rather you be my friend. I would rather win you over heart and mind to my side, but if you force my hand, I will destroy you once and for all. Yeah, just destroy them. Don't model all this. Here.

Here. Let me grab this page from the book of sites so that we have it. It'll be an important clue. Could we? God old. Yeah. I yield. I yield, you said, or.

That was shown I seldom the might mighty wizard this day. And I say to her, that the powers certainly are great. I give to you in surrender this plate of spiced potatoes. Oof! The horse shown the glory, but also they Texts that strength surely ah yes, and a spiced potato made by the chef in Quizzina Well surely be the most delicious of all It's like a nice Josh. Yeah very nice is me. You're a one fourteen. Oh you back up to one fifteen very nice Thank you. I go please enjoy that and work back up your strength and also you should know when I yielded

What I meant to say was, Psych Hianni! What? You can catch me, or you can fix your earth dummy, giant to me! There's a sword in my chest! And so do the ends of Funai run away, with obsidian doom lodged in Dom Hianni's lodged in dumb honny's chest. Professor Arny's chest. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's adjunct probably at best.

Choose Yusidor. Strike me and my giant Andre down. We'll see if you're a friend. Until next time, schmuckles, adios! Away! You said I'm magic! You said I'm magic! You said I'm magic! You said I'm magic!

I didn't want the rock! Drift things getting away! What the heck? Here! Here! Let me teach you with the healing rock. Here! You're an Arnold!

Arnold! Wake up! Arnold! Professor Neacamp! Arnold! Wake up! Look at me! Arnold!

Trunt! We must get away from here! Here, turn off, come on! And so concludes hello from the Magic Tavern. It's been a long mismanaged ride, but with Arnie dead and everyone else, no more interesting than when we first met them. All that's left is to hang on. Link, and why are you holding up that sign that says there's more? There's more? Fine. Like the poor storyboard artist, no doubt gearing up for Frozen 3. Let's all just keep doing this. Oh, and you'd think it'd be a bad time to take a week off for Winter's Solstice, but that's exactly what we're gonna do. We'll be back in two weeks

to find out just how Arnie died, in a new episode on December 30th. Next week there'll be a new bonus scene though, so enjoy those scraps from the table. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolf Reffy. Drip Fang the Necromancer, aka the lurking phantom, aka Snagglepus Plus Anger Issues, was played by Kevin Serreta. Kevin performs regularly with the improvised Shakespeare Company in Chicago. He also traveled the globe for many years with the National Touring Company of the S- Hang on, getting a text message. Hmm. Ah, Kevin Serreta has no official involvement with any venerated satire temples in Chicago

or the surrounding suburbs. However, Kevin's new memoir, I heard what I said and I don't like it, will be on shelves and bookstores just after the holidays when you can safely avoid it. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adolfi. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer, Kimi Lucas. this episode edited by Anna Hoverman,

special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie, hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adler LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland, and now a moment of congratulations for another podcast. The Improvized Star Trek podcast has released their series finale, bringing to a close 10 years of excellent serialized improv storytelling. If you're looking for something to listen to over the holiday break, considering how we just bailed on you, look for Improvized Star Trek's extended hilarious run of episodes

wherever you listen to podcasts. You'll hear familiar voices from Magic Tavern as well, yes, they also rolled the dice on Martin Wilson, and yes, it went about as well as it does here. For now, this is your friendly authoritative voice, saying, deadwood and Neil Patrick Harris, or rather, over and out. you