Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 78 - Side Quests (w/ Jared Logan)

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

A strange tavern keeper is oddly invested in the weird things going on around town.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungStavrus Hook: Jared LoganMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Tim JoyceSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is just plain fake. But as in the side, when one of the two female leads in your story needs to turn to the approval of a predominantly male audience, and their applause to continue being alive, you've got bigger problems on your hands than pirates and alligators. J.M. Barry? E.A. canceled. Now, whether you're just settling into the bath with a glass of white wine handy, or whether you're in position in the alleyway right behind the main vault where you're going to cut the

line to the alarm only when shakes gives the signal from the water tower. You've got an hour to kill and I've got about 8 minutes of solid entertainment stretched to the breaking point. Ready to be transported and inspired? Boy, did you choose wrong. John, you grabbed your microphone. I'll take that microphone. So here you get back in a sec. No, I don't want to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in.

I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in.

I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get microphone. John, you grab your microphone. I'll take the microphone.

So here, you get back in a sec. No, I don't want to get in a sec. Look, I lost track of time. We don't have as much time to get the episode ready as... Fine, I'll shrink you down and put you in my hat. We don't want to be late. People on Earth count on this podcast. What?

That's fuck. That cannot be true. Fuck, fuck, Ornie, did you say you lost track of time? Yeah. Funny time is money. We're broke. I know. No, no, no, we're ruined.

Look, I can't, we can't, let's not make this a walking episode, please. Can we just go find a place to get into? Fine, fine, fine. I'll write up this dirt path here. There's a small hamlet Let's just walk up there. Surely they have some sort of in there. We can Place ourselves in Let's see. It started recording. This is such a terrible open. I don't want to add the edit this

This sucks. Just edit it out. I can't edit it. It's work. The husky husky. What about this place? The the horse what fell in the mud urban eatery? Oh, that's very fancy. Let's go in there. I could be tempted. Yeah, let's go in. Push up in these saloon doors and yikes. Maybe if no one sees us, maybe we can just head right back. Hi, welcome to the horse what fell in the Mud Urban Eatery. I'm Stavros, albeit your barkeep. Come on, settle up! Hey! Hey!

Up on a stool! Okay. Stools might know my back. Okay. Good day to the proprietor of this establishment. What's thou, Cetus at some table, more becoming than the ones we see here? Yeah, I don't want to sit at the stool, because Arnie, the stool is actually a piece of shit.

It's, it's stool. This sucks. Yeah, that's, I'm sorry about that. We have rats. Let me just, oh yeah. There you go. That's good as new, really. I mean, I can put you in a booth, but you're going to be a lot farther away from, from the bar. I'll have to walk. Guys, you wipe that shit away with his bare hands, with his bare hands. Yeah. Oh, you'll have to walk.

I'll have to walk from the kitchen to, you know what? It's fine. I think we can live with that. Oh, okay. Right over here. This is here's a nice set. Oh, thank you. Welcome to the horsewood fell in the mud.

Urban eatery. Can I interest you gentlemen in some button or a hunk of cheese or an old piece of bread hard as a rock? Please, please, please less specifics. Okay, do you have any specials? Yes, right now we have a pint of grog with just a little bit of dirt in it. And that is, you know, that's half off because it's a happy hour.

I think I'll go for the grog with a little bit of dirt in it. Yeah, I don't have to do special orders. Can I do mine without the dirt? It's already in there. It's just in it. So it's hard because it's little particles. I'll see what they, I'll see if they'll do it. I don't mind asking.

Oh, thank you. I'll take the grog with a little bit of dirt in it, because I suspect whatever the other options are. Oh. Well, you'd be surprised. There is a small beer. Do you know what that is? Have you ever had a?

Well, it's not, it's small in size. It means beer, but with lots of water. So that it's just minimally alcoholic. You know what, I'll have one of those, but could I have it without the water? That would just be a beer. And that's not on our menu. So there's Grogg with a little bit of dirt in it,

or the small beer. Stover's my man, let's see here. Can I get, oh, do you have egg Grog? I know it's kind of seasonal. Oh, we usually only have that during the festival of the Yule when the children are punished for their crimes that they've committed throughout the year. And their children confess, they confess their crimes.

Have we ever told you about the festival of you, honey? No. It's one of the other winter solstice holidays, but this is new for me. Yes, it's called the festival of you because when the children admit to their crimes, you shake your fists at them and you go, you'll get, you'll.

And when it's over, the kids go, you'll out forever. But it's, it's usually just a year. They're always very happy when it's over. Oh, sure. Because there's a lot of admonishing, a lot of just yelling in kids' faces. Oh, although also in some ways, I bet it's cathartic.

Those kids, they're just glad to get those things off their chest. No, no religion at all, Ernie. I'm gonna get you that it was a grog with dirt in it. And one small beer coming right. Oh, you're not gonna have anything, sir? Oh, yeah, if you don't have egg grog, could I get three small beers in a larger pint? Three small beers.

Did I fucking stutter? I'm so sorry. Wow. Stavros, I'm so sorry, it's happy hour. Did I fucking stutter? Did I fucking stutter? I'm so sorry. Wow. I'm so sorry. It's happy hour. Did I fucking stutter? Did I fucking stutter? I'm smiling. It's happy hour. John, you can't get us kicked out of this place We we already started the episode. Well, when you made it nice at the end you turned it around for me I'll be right back fucking get it together. John use it or all right We got what I make this okay wait

it together, John, you said, all right, we got what? What are you gonna make this, okay, wait, ever, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, hello from the Magic Tavern. Oh, weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, aren't you, and you can't, if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Get your elbow out of my face.

I'm trying to get this thing going, okay? This is, oh, you know, if I start to not say the exact words, my brain can't get back on the rails of it. And I am Yusudor, Wizard of the Twelfth Room of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great holes of Trockus, the Ovesnomi is fiendy-alook, the dwarves no me is zoded in hook stengies, and I am noon in the North East is gasmanius me star, where soon we shall arrive, in that great court of the belleroth, where we shall attempt to restore order once again to fune.

Yes, on the road we travel to the North East. My brain can't get back on the track of it. Wow Arnie, the most poetic fucking thing You've ever said my brain can't get back on the track of it. Okay, here we go. We got a small beer We got a grog with a little bit of dirt in it and they told me they couldn't put a bunch of small beers into a bigger Container because we're low on glasses So I just got you four small beers and charged you for all of them. I also felt like there was some tension earlier. So I went ahead and got you guys a buy back. Here is some of that really hard bread. I described earlier. Oh thank

you. Now I am sorry that it has some nibbles out of it. There are some very large rats in the basement. Very large rats. Are they of usual size? They are of unusual size. I'd go down there and take care of them myself, but my sword hand isn't what it used to be It's a hook. Oh, yeah, you're missing. You're missing. You see I have a hook instead of a hand That that would be bad with swords. Oh I'd be willing to pay good coin for a group of three stalwarts who would go down into the Cellar and take care of those large rats. Of course, they say that this tavern was built on an old set of catacombs, but that's surely just a legend.

Yeah, we're kind of busy. Why does this guy talk like he's under fucking oath? Ony, Trunt, do not hear the winds of destiny blowing to this very set of boxes that were sitting on in the shape of a booth We are meant to go into these catacombs Defeat these rats and discover whatever secrets may be there that would help us an our quest to defeat all forms of evil You said or you said or you get distracted by every fucking side quest that comes our way. We can't do everything people need done, alright? Stavros, that sounds great. I wish we had one gold coin of peace for three heroes that would plumb the depths of my cellar while I also have the beer hooked up. Can we think about it? Can we maybe think about it? Would that be more? Sure!

Holler, if you need me, I'll be right back. Guys, we lost track of time, which means we have no money because time is money, so we're broke. How are we gonna pay for these tiny beers? We have to take this side-quiz. Are you asking how you might pay for something? Oh, fucking stavros. You didn't go anywhere, my man. Kerevanda Bloodwater Creek is always looking for guards.

The trails between here and Bloodwater are wicked with all manner of goblins and orcs. This is bandit who stick their victims heads on bloody spikes in the forest to warn other travelers away. But the Caravan pays well. And I hear that Bloodwater Creek has good restaurants. Mmm, Arnie, Bloodwater Creek, we must take on this quest. Oh, this simple quest that is beside our own quest shall be the one to give us the things we need to complete our ultimate final goal.

Can I ask, Stavros, what direction from here is Bloodwater Creek? It lies to the north, across the forest of Lightless Christ. Oh, across the whole forest? In fact, the trail goes right through the standing stones that some say were left by the first man, the Shining Men. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh religious thing, so it's, you know, it's just a little weird to kind of joke about it. Yeah, Arnie, don't overlook the dad. Now, Bloodwater Creek, that's the, it's a real thick creek, right?

Oh, the thickest. For, of course, it is filled to brimming with ravenous piranha. Would you say that Bloodwater Creek is thicker than water water creek? I would. Have you been to water water creek? Have you heard yourself pronounce piranha? We can play this game all day. It's so weird. Piranha. Yes, blood water is named for its tendency to rip travelers a sundaure.

Of course, the bridge is in pretty good condition. And the caravan isn't too heavy. What do you guys have to eat? I guess honk-hunk-a-cheese mutton and an old bread. Well, I guess you already brought us the bread, so honk-a-cheese. Another bread. Got it? And then on a honk-a-cheese, and honk-a-cheese. You know, once people try the really hard bread,

they're like, can we have another one of those? And I'm always like, of course you can. It's no problem. So honk-a-cheese bread and... Scratch and scratch the button, do you have big old turkey legs? We do have big old turkey legs, yeah, we just added them. No, I'll take one of those because I like to walk around just chopping on it. Oh, okay. I was looking at the menu here on the table and I was like to get the weirdest thing on the menu,

the most daring thing. I'm not the Niswa salad. Okay, so we are out of Niswa salad right now. Ooh, because the caravan to blood water creek hasn't returned in four days. It was due back yesterday and they carry all of our Niswa. Oh, honey, don't you see we are destined to take this. I get it. If you're really invested in the Niswa salad, then I can see what you're like.

Well, I gotta go do this side quest to get this salad. But also maybe we just don't need that salad. Fine, fine. All of the hunk of cheese. Hunk of cheese, turkey leg, mutton, more bread, and I think I heard another honk of mutton in there coming right up. We'll be right back and get some for yourself. Really? Yeah.

Get yourself some. I am so hungry. Thank you. Okay. Are we going to charge that? Yeah. Guys, we don't have any money. We can order whatever we want.

We're liberated by the lack of funds. Ah, but I have thought ahead. For I have been cycling the entire time before we arrived here. I've collected 120 feathers, 65 stars. That reminds me. Wow, he just came out of nowhere. I was under the table. A traveler came in a couple nights ago, wearing a feathered cloak.

He dropped this ring on the bar. The strange writing on it. May I examine it? You may. I'm not sure why he thinks we want to know these things. He told me to keep it secrets. He told me to keep it safe. Let's get your hook out of the table, huh?

When you slam down the ring, it kind of got caught there. Yeah, just get it loose. Can you pull? I think we have to, yeah, just pull that a little bit. You have to push. You have to push and there we go. Okay. So what you're telling us is you're not a good secret keeper.

He told me to keep it secret until I came upon three adventures, three adventures who could, who could Sally this ring, fourth to its ultimate destination. And then he died of a knife wound in the back. I never got his name. Well, that's us, Arnie. We must take the ring to its ultimate destination. Uh, uh, miss others. Did they say what ultimate this nation is? It was. Yeah, what was the destination? He never said he died before he got a chance to speak it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, The guy who died from the back. Yes, you love this man who might have been named Tim you just don't you don't know his name No idea of his name, but he there was just something but about him order up

I suppose it was love at first sight Guys hold on why did he you know order up that's something how we do things here? The waiters and the cooks yeah, oh thank, Star Rose. Did you guys also notice? He always says he'll be right back and he never leaves. He's just he's standing right. He's inches from us right now Yeah, and I haven't seen anyone else in here yet. So he may he may be back there So I'm making it slow right now Star Rose you don't like how hard the bread is. Also, the old barrows on the edge of town, they've been causing trouble.

Whales and shrinks have been heard, emanating from the barrows at night. Oh, of course. Many have gone to investigate and have not returned. There's said to be treasure in those burrows. Fun, fun, fun, fun. And all of my usual customers went, because we have some regulars. Sure. One night they all got drunk on the small beer.

And then they were like, let's go to the burrows. I was like, don't go with, fill with white. Sure. Must have taken a while for them to get drunk or else. They're very tiny. Listen, Starvost a while for them to get drunk or else. They're very tiny. Listen, Stavros, you've spoken only in quests and adventures. What's your deal? I mean, your whole personality can't be doling out adventures, right?

Do you have hopes and dreams? Do you have a family? Do you have, so nice of you to ask me about myself. People think, oh, this person just person just is you know delivers mutton and She's here it is by the way Thank you. Where did you ask me about me? Well, I can tell you a little bit about myself He's about to watch into another if we could somehow find a way across the border To my home in the Duchy of Marduck

I'm not that invested in this name. They say I was left as a as a baby child On the door steps of the monastery here in town. I never knew my father or mother All I know is that I have this mark! What? Whoa. So you were born in the dutchy we passed that coming in. What does it mean with it? And why?

Why can I hear wicked thoughts? It is a mark of darkness, but you may be of a royal line, and they may have cast you out for this very purpose for they fear the dark mark upon the Well then we can wait no longer come grab your weapons follow me out the door here And I shall put this other side quest on pause by swallowing this ring He yelled let's go and then stood exactly where he's at. He's not moving anywhere. I got it. Come on, let's go. I'm ready.

Oh, we are off we go. We have our weapons and go! Prepare to face the wrath of you, Sador. Yes, you Sador. You's your magic to bring me my throne. You know what I think? I think you can't leave this tabern. I think you can't leave the horse what fell in the mud urban eatery. Either you're a ghost or you're that mark as some sort of curse, but whatever's going on,

you've been putting on a hard sell to send us on any adventure. Don't you want us to finish our food and pay? What a ghost be able to do. Yes! You're hitting yourself. Stop it. Stop hitting yourself. Would a ghost be able to, would a ghost even do that? That is a good question. That's a good question. Can a ghost hit themselves? Can I ask you guys another question? Sure. Do you believe in ghosts? You know, I believe that there's some sort of energy, but I don't believe

that ghosts are like the outline of it. You know what? My dad's a ghost. I do. You know, I believe that there's some sort of energy, but I don't believe that ghosts are like the outline of it. You know what? My dad's a ghost. I do. You know what? I've seen a lot of weird hard to explain things, including ghosts, but I still consider myself a skeptic. I'm kind of a scully. Well, I believe that ghosts are the prisoners of Karnak, the death god, who has chained each of our souls and the only key can be found in the heart of our one true love. So that's sort of a specific belief that I have. Yeah, that's very specific. Can I sit down with you guys?

I guess it's better than you hovering over over. Where were we? Oh yes, the tremors outside of town. Could you take your arm from out around me? Sure. Thank you. Yes, there were strange earth tremors on the edge of town a few nights ago. You can just say tremors. Earth tremors. No, just tremors. Soil. Paramulations. Is he reading from some page of a book that I can't see? I have a book of all of these. Also, I've never known someone that is so invested in words and yet also dislikes most of them. Hey, I know words. I just don't like show-offs, okay?

I know all kinds of words. Pressing digitation, Laquatius, Bonification, Top Dog, Sex. When the crevice opened, they fought for sure, the waters of bloodwater crink with spilling in the piranha

would fill the crevice. But in fact, they saw steps leading down into the lightless depths. How's everything tasting over here? I mean, I haven't had a chance to eat because you've been on top of us. Ah, alright. Yeah, here's your crown. Here are two treasure chests.

I traded in these feathers for 12 apples, which I gave to the old widow, and she gave me a pie, which I fed to a bird, which flew towards the sky for me, and brought back a piece of a cloud, which I gave to a mage, who gave me this scroll. Also, I shit out that ring. Oh, we need that. I was given to me that someone who trusted me gave me the ring that he loves really

Thank you for the crown, but the ring was that was the real important thing. Oh, I didn't finish where I was saying I Shatted into a volcano. All right. Let's write off the ring. I'm gonna cross that one out of the book I know the volcano is what did it but honestly for me as soon as you said he shatted out I was like that ring is gone for me. It might as well not exist anymore. You can pull a ring out of shit and it's fine, it's gold. You seem to have no problem with touching shit. There's some shit right over here, let's go through it.

Here, two more rings. What do you wanna do with these? I'll take one. There you go. Can I have the other one? Yeah, of course. Let's wear them. Now we have nice rings we wouldn't have had if we hadn't dug through shit

That's right. We'll be like ring friends. What do you think about that? See Arnie? Look here I don't need it so close to my face. What is that a piece of wood? Wait, you just found a piece of wood and a piece of shit And you're like, I'm keeping this piece of wood. Oh, there's a tiny scroll in this one. Oh, there's another quest on here Well, read it. Okay over the ravine of Terralth I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture. Prepare to die, vulture. Yes, I would help you but my sword hand is so bad. I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture. I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture. I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture.

I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture. Prepare to die, vulture. Yes, I would help you but my sword hand is so bad. I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture. Prepare to die, vulture. Yes, I would help you but my sword hand is so bad? I'm gonna go fuck up that vulture prepare to die Vulture, yes, I would help you but my sword hand isn't what it used to be Yeah, it's

Starrows what what did happen? How did you lose your hand? I some guys came in to the bar and um, you know I wouldn't leave their table kept kind of asking them to run errands for me. One thing led to another, I'm missing a hand. They were heavily armed, and they knew how to hurt me. So you're saying they were heavily armed, like they had a lot of other people's arms, and they had a lot of hands and arms that they'd stolen from people. Yeah.

Yeah. And now they have mine. Heavy-handed, heavy-armed. Well, Starvars, I'm very sure to hear. Have you tried to learn how to hold the sword in your other hand? I have tried to go with kind of a left-handed sword skill. I try to learn it that way. And, uh-huh. No.

It's not working and uh... I actually ended up cutting off someone else's hand. Oh what a classic. And you know also, Stavros, I guess, if that's not working, you know, a hook is kind of a bad sword. Well, yeah, I mean, it just doesn't have the reach that you need. You know, uh, guys, when I'm like dealing with, giant vultures. Yeah. Yeah. I like to stay back Have you thought about straightening out the hook? Nobody ever does that. You should be the first you're a trend center My man straighting out that hook like I just a little pointer. Yeah, would you rather have people say look at that

Fucking guy with the hook and or would you rather have people say what the fuck's going on there? Really can't help me do it. I could be stavros spike Okay, let's let me that's hard to get I have suppliers here somewhere. Oh, yeah That's better. Oh, I totally forgot that you would said your name is stavros hook right There you go there you go. Yeah, it is look, I can pick up the bread or the cheese. That's fun. That helps in both, that's a good weapon, but also for serving.

It makes me wonder, what is the point of the hook hand anyway? It's because you've lost your hand, so you need something to help you. Something sharp, open doors. Scare children on the Yule Festival. Yeah. Because I'll just like, I would wave it at them. The spike will work too though.

Kids are afraid of spikes. I'm gonna level with you guys. Yeah. I'm a spy. For her highness the queen. Uh-huh. She's left me this letter. Okay.

Her lover, Lord Buckinghall. Okay. Okay. I need to get this letter across the border, but of course, the cardinal will have many spies and cutthroats looking to intercept it. I need some young cavaliers who are brave enough to do her highness.

A great service. Okay, so this letter from the queen is in the exact same handwriting as the other letter Tons looks very similar. I don't see it. What do you mean? That's kind of this left-handed scroll scribble if you will. Yeah a couple hook marks in the paper. Ah, I have returned I have killed the Vulture and though I did not find its treasure or it's candy. I did bring these eggs. Oh You guys want some vulture eggs? I mean if you if you cook them up I'll eat them Well, you know what I like them raw check out the spike is perfect for this watch here right like that

Oh, and you just drink the yolk oh Yeah Oh yeah, good. Oh, yeah. What's this keep coming? It's just keep coming. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back with more adventures. Stop, stop drinking. I'm pressing out the yoke without the white.

Well, I'm back from the basement and it turns out it was just two rats standing on their hind legs. So not really huge rats, they're just standing upright. Thank God. You didn't accidentally stumble through the trap door that leads down to the purported catacombs. Does anyone in town have theories

about what is in those catacombs? There are many theories here. Let me check my notes. Ah, they say that there is a power source encased in a strange crystal. And if the crystal is shattered, that power source will cover the land and burn the souls of the true and the just and the valorous. Oh no.

What do you think of that? What makes a crystal strange? True and the just and the valorous. Oh no. What do you think of that? What makes a... What makes a crystal strange? Is it like a scintillating cue? Also the fact that it burns souls, that seems not like most crystals do that. Yeah, okay.

It doesn't know what to say at a party. It's not not strange. We should probably avoid that crystal, right? Because if we went down there to get that crystal, we might accidentally burn the souls of the righteous. Am I gonna die? Not even definitely there. I mean, it's just a rumored catechon.

Where do you get these rumours? I hear them from town folk that come in. A lot of travelers moving in and out of here all the time, just like you fellas sure sure sure sure Hey, hey Arnie used to do yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't go down to the basement I took a lap around town and every building in this town is just It's a facade. It's just a big wide piece of wood with a painted door on it and a sign This is the only real place. I think this guy built this fucking town

And assign, this is the only real place. I think this guy built this fucking town. Oh no. Well, building, we don't like that kind of thing around here. We don't like world building. Huh? Just talking on my old speaking stone to one of my many friends here in town. Mm-hmm.

That's a regular rock. That's a regular fucking rock. You don't say. Well, I can't believe this is happening. And so, it's so wild. You gentlemen clearly would not be interested in what I just heard. I'll talk to some other travelers about it. Yeah, clearly, not interested.

Above your pain grade. You might as well respect your privacy on this one. I mean, I really, I shouldn't talk about it at all. Oh, okay, then, yeah, then don't. The Rebel Alliance is looking for an old hermit by the name of Ken Watanabi. Oh. They say he was one of the star knights of the old Commonwealth before the Empire took over. I'm very into this. They say he can teach young men like yourself how to use the power to become star knights. Now I have the Hermit's exact address right here, but you guys aren't interested. I feel like I'm interested in the middle of this adventure, but the beginning and I could

care less. Ony Chunt, we clearly have to do this and we all have to become star nights. It's so obvious that destiny is come calling for us. Don't you see, Chunt, if what your saying is true and this is all made up, then my will they won't they relationship with the old widow I met in town makes me look like a fool.

Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble. When we came into town, I should have guessed there's a sign that said population, all my close friends. What is that? That should have tipped us off. Help me chunt. My only hope. OK, why are you crouched down?

Please stand up or sit back down. OK, yeah. If I'm your only hope, and that's a sad predicament, I'm willing to help once I finish my tiny beers and my food, how's it tasting, by the way? Still haven't had a chance to eat. Thank you. Yeah.

Let me see if I like that. Can I get you guys anything else? No, I think we're going to finish our meal, and then we're definitely going to do that quest. So we'll be back in so we'll be going to find the old hermit Ken Watanabe. That's that's right And then we'll and then we'll be back in a maybe six months time So they say he himself was a star night, but then the star night or was exterminated long ago Oh, no what a tragic story. That probably isn't that interesting.

It's very interesting. There have been many volumes written on the history of the Star Knights of the Old Commonwealth in their battle against the Empire. It's been chronicled and at least, I think, nine tapestries now. How have I never heard of this entire... You've never seen any of these tapestries. Ow, I don't, I don't believe so, no.

They're very popular. My, my house, we had one of the, we had like two of them hanging up. Oh. Oh great, you said, are you one of those people that's like, I don't even have a tapestry in my house. I love tapestries, at all manner of the odds. For you all know, my favorite play of all time, of course, is Atomaton Constool.

So Stavros, this is great. So we're getting to know more about you. So growing up, you had two of these in your house, tell us about your house. What did it look like? Was it a ranch style or a blue cheese was it I lived alone oh so who raised you I raised myself I was a feral child you'll recall I was left as a baby child right on the steps of the monastery that's right well the monks took one look at me and said yeah not

interested well maybe the monks were hermits. Maybe the monks didn't like to go outside. They were very fisterious and... Maybe they were assholes. Oh, CD? Okay. But regardless, I was left to my own devices, alone in an empty house with no one to play with. Stavros, can you excuse us for one second?

Uh, Chuck Usador. I have a theory. Yes? At first I thought maybe he was just working on commission for these side quests, but now I think I know what's going on. He was a feral child. I think he was just raised by books.

Like the only way he knows how to engage with people is via plot. Oh. A dragon. Yes, a dragon. It's taken up residence in a cave not more than a mile from here. It sleeps all day, a deep sleep from which it will not awake on top of a pile of gold, jewels and precious gems. Many people from town have walked in, middle of the day, the dragon doesn't move. They grab all the jewels they want, bring them out of the cave, now that is something

anyone could do. Come on, Ony, let's go on that quest, please. It's so easy. Free money. I don't wanna go see a dead dragon. It's sleeping, and I money! I don't wanna go see a dead dragon. It's sleeping. And I can help you turn your gold into cash. When you come back.

Come on, Arnie. Well, how can we pass on this chunt? We must take up arms and go and defeat the sleeping dragon by stealing its treasure. If this guy was raised by books, if he's some sort of cabal guy, then I don't, there is no dragon, right? There is a dragon, but it only sleeps between the hours

of 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Monday through Friday. If you go at another time, it will burn your flesh with its fiery breath. Isn't it crazy how people probably always go with like, they don't go in the middle of that window of time. Right. They probably go like a half hour before the end, but like we can knock this out in half an hour.

But we have so many people that show up at the cave at 4.45. And I say, the dry, it's 15 minutes, you gotta go in in 15 minutes, the dragon's gonna wake up and burn your flesh with it's fiery breath. And they're like, oh, we're sorry, you know, our in 15 minutes, the dragon's gonna wake up and burn your flesh with its fiery breath and they're like, oh, we're sorry, you know, our dinner took longer than we thought and I'm like, okay,

and then they go in and what do you think happens to them, usador, chanth and arny? What do you think happens to them? I mean, the thing I relate to most was my dinner took longer than I thought because that's, you know, I can relate to that. I can relate to that. I can relate to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah that seems right and they're probably fine just get burned up

and then they come back to life they do get burned up that's that would be correct they die right I can come back to life other other other people can I always forget that you can resurrect yourself yeah I'm a wizard and you resurrect other people? Yes, it's a dark art, and I do not mess with such dark forces, except to make a Chunch-New cat pet. Yeah, let him out of the bag.

Let him out of the bag. Sayonce, come here. Let's cat out of the bag. Oh, there he is. Sayonce, buddy. It's kind of a ghost cat that I made. It's cute. Yeah, it's cute, right?

Thank you. Look at it, wag its head. Can I touch it? With your left hand? Yeah. You're a cuteie. Oh, maybe you're just a pet. Yeah. You're a little stupid boy. Do you have any pets? No. No, they don't let pets here in the restaurant. Let me get your check. Who's they? Yeah, I don't.

I see, he's calling all the shots here. Health department, health department. They're shit everywhere. The health priests. Arnie, I think I know what we have to do. If you was raised by books, what we have to do is play into that. What's your favorite book on Earth?

Let's recite that to him as if it's a quest for him. He'll go off and do that. He won't have read the book because it's an Earth book and then we can be ready. This fucking guy, step him on the bill and get the fuck out of here. Are these anthropomorphic books that are like alive and like talking to him?

Are we just saying he read a lot of books? I think he read a lot of books, but it also could be literal because that sort of thing seems to also happen. Yeah, most books are literal. It's a literary art. Hey, is your bill?

I'd love to just go ahead and settle up with you guys, because my shift is over in like five minutes, so I'm going to go do my side work and get out of here. Well, I have an extra vultures egg. Will that cover it? Oh, I thought that was just kind of, you know, we were just kind of sharing a snack. As ring buddies? Yeah, exactly.

Ring buddies, always share yoke. Yeah, you're right. You got me there. Yeah, I'll find some money, don't worry. Guys, I forgot we don't have any money. I'm sure I've got some money here. Did you say you don't have any money?. I've got some money here. Did you say you don't have any money? Not not at the moment it appears I

See where this is going and I'm not giving him sayons I'm sorry I just got it. I just got it. Oh Let's grab by now It's's have something sweet little cat. Only I had someone like this in my life. I wasn't so alone. Only talking to you, of course, say on snott to be up at gentlemen. Arnie, you should or fine, will kill him.

I know we said no more killing, but I'm willing to make an exception. Why are you so attached to this cat? You just got last week. I miss Eggie Baby. Okay? I miss having a little companion. I mean, you guys are so big. You forget what it's like to be low to the ground to be a badger to be an animal. Right? It's nice to bond with another animal that's right I heard everything I've never moved the entire time you've been here we know this I just got a ring buddies stick together

we're thinking thin that's right that's why you sedores. Staying here in town with me. What? We're gonna be ring buddies, hanging out together, having fun times. Ooh, we should get like a tapestry of like all of our favorite characters. Like, ooh, all of the, the, the, Knights of the Old Commonwealth. We could put that right above our billiards table. Oh that sounds

really fun. I'd love to have a billiards table. Was this what I was meant to do all along and not defeat the dark Lord but to come here and live with Stavros? We could go on all kinds of fun quests together or you know I could send you on them. Wait hold on a second, yousador, what was that last thing you said? Was I was meant to come here and live with Stabros? No, I mean, what did you say after that? I could send you on all kinds of fun quests. No, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I could have been more clear. I wasn't talking to you, Yousador, what did you, you said? Oh, I said, fine, we'll do it. We'll kill Stabros. No, I clearly, look I said, fine, we'll do it. We'll kill staffers. No, I clearly, look, I'm looking straight at you, Sador. I said, I heard everything you said. Yeah, haven't moved. Yeah, I have no idea.

You think I remember the things I say? Something you said gave me an idea and made me think of something. We'll just say that. You just say that. Why are we backtracking? Only there was a way to record our speech so that we could later have an exact record of what we have said, but Magic has not developed such a device.

Usador, you said is that your purpose instead of defeating the dark Lord? Right. I feel like you have a story to tell Stavros. You're really trying to walk me up to something and I'm just not seeing it, honestly. I just don't have no idea. I'm just saying, look, Stavros. Yeah, there's a big thing going on. I don't know if you know this,

the Dark Lord has taken over most of Foon. I haven't, no one has, you haven't. No one has told you about like literally like 80% of phone has been taken over by the dark Lord He has the whole star Commonwealth to worry about been pretty busy with the the caravan to blood water creek and Oh the traveler with the ring that's been kind of taking up just in this community a lot of our I Would say emotional labor has been invested in that So haven't really heard about a dark Lord not even heard of the dark Lord Is that like from the Empire of the old Commonwealth?

No, although I guess it does sound like it would be a part of that they could be connected look into it I'm just saying like we've got an exciting and teasing quest that we're on currently to defeat the Dark Lord. Now, what's that now? We have to defeat the Dark Lord. Also, the Dark Lord is trying to get me because I have a magical artifact in my head. Yeah, he could be the most important person in this universe. Yeah.

What is this? I know, right? It is most important person in this universe. Yeah. What is this? I know. Right? It is all true, Stabros. There is the greatest quest that has ever been undertaken. I, the great wizard, used it all, was brought into this world by a conspiracy of birds and rain in winded fire that demanded there be a champion who'd find the perfect crew, including Arnie, a man from another world. I'm from another world, I didn't even mention that, I'm from a whole another world. And Chant, the shapeshifter, who's capable of taking a form at all, and amongst our ranks, may I count you, Stavros, with your pointed hand,

able to stab anything that does come but tweaks you and the forces of goodness. Guys, he's writing this all down. I love to, but I just don't know if I'd have time. Oh, okay, I get it. Wow. Yeah. I kept very busy here with all the customers and the bearers and I'm afraid and look he's inching away

from the table. I have my I have to make sure other people find out about the quests. Lots of people want to do them and they count on me to know about them. Okay so what he's picking up his rock like he's getting a message What's that? Oh? No, I'm not busy. I can talk to you right now instead of these guys Yeah, don't mind talking to you instead. That's a plain rock. It's slayer. It's not it's not I'm going to take off my ring. Let's leave it here on the table Yeah, because I've already sworn to protect on it at all costs. And that means Eid and turning my back. Online ring buddy?

No, I don't even care about ring buddies anymore. That's a foolish thing for children. What's that? Yes, it's a stupid thing that children do. Oh, I overheard that. I think we were supposed to over here that I don't think we were because it was a very rude thing to say to me and it's breaking by Yep, yeah, no, I just have these customers who won't leave. Oh, I'd like to end my shift But I've got a group of free loaders who can't pay their bill. I guess I'll have to call the sheriff

I'm I could knock down all the buildings in town. Yes, watch this. Uh, uh, I'm looking around. He just smeared shit on his face like a beard. I'm the sheriff in these parts. Sheriff's spike hand, and I need you fellas to pay your bill. Whenever he makes up a name, he just looks at his hand. I'll gladly pay my bill. Let me just go to the local bank and pull out some money. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- almost painted on a big piece of wood. Please do not touch the door or the building at all. It is very fragile and expensive. Well, let's go around the back of the building

and we can do business back there. No, don't do that either. Stay just in the main streets. Right there. Right there standing. Do you have a banking function you'd like to complete today? Oh, well, I thought I wanted to take out some money, but I should go talk to a lawyer.

Let me just go across the street here to the lawyers office. Oh god. Hi, hello, it's me. Pointy Jenkins, the lawyer. Hi. Hello, pointy Jenkins. I wanted to consult you about taking some money out.

Oh, where'd the banker go? Ah, he probably went back inside the bank. It's a huge cavernous three-dimensional building. And he can get lost in there for hours because it's so deep and the walls are so thick. So you need... God damn it, how did you know it was me? I went to rip off your mustache and I just got a handful of shit.

Yeah, I put shit all over my face. Smells terrible. That's got it. At least get us a discount on our food, right? Alright, fine. The jig is up. The food just... Take it.

Just... Who gives a shit? My ring buddy's gone. You won't give me your cat. The food just take it just who gives a shit my ring buddies gone You won't give me your cat And you don't want to go on any of the really cool quests I came up with came up with yes, I wrote them all okay It's all made up. I just live here in this two-dimensional village I built Waiting for people to come in and enforce in them to hang out with me.

Who did I kill and take that crown from? I don't know, and I'm frankly, you should figure it out. Oh, yeah. You just randomly killed royalty somewhere. I thought it was right even wrong. Two righteens of a wrong make a right. Fictions like mine can have a really compelling effect on the human psyche. People read my stuff and they do crazy things. Yeah, yeah, well I'm prone to do crazy things regardless. So it's a short walk of a long period. And you know what, Stavros? After all, I said and done, I appreciate you in your stories. So what I'm gonna do, let me just reach my

satel here. You see this berry? I thought you were gonna pull the cat out. So the berry is sort of a disappointment but go ahead. Well, let me finish. This is a new berry. So it's it's recently been plucked. And I'm gonna give you this new berry to keep praise upon your writing. Put it on the end of my hook there. Okay, I mean, my spike. There you go, pretty cool, huh? Anybody who comes in here, you can tell me, you won that berry for your riding.

That's, I mean, it's fine. Okay, and here, hold on, and there's, let me just grab this pencil, and here's a certificate for a personal pan pizza. Okay, thank you, I guess. Pretty good, huh? Keep reading, bud. Keep up the reading, right?

Yeah, I feel, you know, I feel much better. You said, or make him a parent. What? No, that sounded weird. Don't get pregnant. What I mean is, make him like a mom or dad or some sort of parental figure. Is that what he needs or a friend?

Make him a friend. A cat, make him. Are you going to transform me into a parental figure? Wait, John, what was that last thing you said? No, just say it. Wait, what I just said? What was that thing you said? Don't make it. Ah, be all night. What I just said? Yeah, you, John I swear to God, I'm looking right at you. I said you are gonna transform me into a parental figure. No, no, no, before that for me into a parental figure. No, no, no, before that, make him look, he was raised by books. Let me see if I still have this in my bag.

I said short walk off a long pier, but I meant long walk off a short pier. That was a lie. That was a lie a little though. That's not what aren't you referring to. That's not the thing. I think that was the thing. That would be exciting. That would be exciting.

Look, look in the bag, you were raised by books. I'm sorry we couldn't pay our bill. Would you please accept this book, it's from another world. The great Gatsby. Oh, and you know what, here's a Pride and Prejudice. These are two books from my world. We should have a club while back.

Austin, yeah. F-M-M-M-S-G-T fits Gerald. I really liked the great Gatsby. The other guys didn't really like it. I still think it's good. It's short at least. Yeah. F-M-M-M-S-G-O-T-F-T-C-C-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E- Oh. Oh, pride and prejudice. Yeah, there's a guy who dies in a pool in that one. Or maybe that was the other one. I can't remember. These are wonderful. Wonderful, Arnie. Thank you.

You can consider your third of the bill. Come on. I have been paid. And you know what, Yusidor? You're a ring buddy, so we'll call it even. Well, all I had left was this diamond anyway. Okay, wish I held out a little longer for the diamond. Wow, so you had money the whole time.

I don't have currency, I have precious gems. But chunt, dear, sweet, lovable chunt. Your bill has not been paid. No. A single berry I'm afraid will not suffice. Got it. The only way to pay me in full is to get your friend, Yusidor, to transfer me into a father.

I really want to be a parent. I think I'm ready. I've thought about it a lot. And I think having a young person in my life will really you know fulfill me in a way that I haven't been fulfilled by creating two-dimensional building backdrops and writing short synopsis of things that might happen. So the way I can repay you for this, I can't even put an adjective in front of it meal, is by having someone else do magic done. Consider it done. Do you, sir? Have at Eros.

Toro contra ran a Toro-ko-tra-ran-a-tala-ho-la-chere-a-kath Or a chokotili-th Do it, make me a dad! You've been done. Alright, where's the child? Uh, well, there's a couple, uh, outside down the road, uh, next to the body of a guy not wearing a crown. Son! I see them!

Oh, and there's a daughter too! Well, gentlemen, I would love to hang out and chat with you all day, but I don't have time for this dark Lord business. I'm a family man now. Wow. Well, good luck to you, Stavros, and raise your children well and give them all the love that you never received.

Ha ha, wait up, kids! Hey, dad made pizza poppers! Aw man, I was gonna cut off his other hand. He had pizza poppers the whole fucking time! You said, or you killed a random dude in front of his kids? He wasn't random, he had a crown on. Oh wait, I just remembered something. Alright, using the Wi-Fi through the dimensional riff to upload this podcast, chronicling

our quest to defeat the dark world. Back on track, baby. Yes, let's get started. Okay, alright. You've been listening to the Axio series How It Happened, a thrilling expose of the last days of the Trump administration, and then auto-play rolled right into Hello from the Magic Tavern and you were just too lazy to stop it. Discussion point, was this a side quest or a 45 minute outtake? Also a town that turns out to be nothing but badly drawn to dimensional facades is remarkably on-brand.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refire. Stavros Hook was played by special guest Jared Logan. Check out Stream of Blood, a Twitch channel where Jared Logan plays tabletop roleplaying games with some of the funniest most bloodthirsty entertainers in the universe. Dream of Blood, a Twitch channel where Jared Logan plays tabletop role-playing games, with some of the funniest, most blood-thirsty entertainers in the universe. Several Magic Tavern folks have been on, including, oh, Arnie. Still, it could be cool.

Check out Stream of Blood at twitch.com slash stream of blood, or search Stream of Blood on YouTube, but when you do, be mentally prepared that 80% of those results are going to be pretty upsetting. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Earwolf Producer Kimi Lucas. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Special assistance provided by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Allerd Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy

Poland. If you haven't already, make sure to adjust your settings to automatically download new episodes every week. And why stop there? Go to Advanced Settings and you can arrange to have each new episode deleted without having to listen to the thing. You can also arrange to delete your podcast app and get a weekly reminder to write a letter to a friend or work on a new skill. But who are we kidding? See you next week! Hear love