Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 80 - Usidore's Hat

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

It's finally time to visit the tiny tavern hidden inside Usidore's hat.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. The following podcast is not real. People of Earth. The following podcast is not real.

You've chosen to listen to another roughly hour-long episode of Hello from the Magic Tavern, or, as I call it, 120 taps of that little circle-y arrow that jumps things forwards by 30 seconds. And remember, according to popular legend, if you start a Magic Tavern episode at the exact same moment you begin playing your Spider-Man turn off the dark original cast recording. You'll hear Adel make an unneeded pun right alongside the sound of a stunt double, falling off the third mezzanine and on to Julie Tamor. So, as they say before every episode of the Freakonomics podcast, let's sort of have fun! Sit back and enjoy the show!

I can't believe in all these years. I haven't ridden a horse until now. This is your first time on horseback? Is it your first time on a horse? Yeah, and I even bought a horse, I think. Oh yeah, from that used horse salesman. I think he got a lemon. But why, well that was just like an extra. It came with a lemon.

Oh, for the horse. Yeah, he did. Yeah. Yes, I hope that my horse that I purchased to chewed. I hope that he is well and safe after escaping the Vermilion Minotaur and the town of Hogsface. I often think of whatever may have happened to poor Chaud.

And I wonder what happened to my horse? I can't remember his name. Guys, we should write stuff down more. You don't remember your horse's name. No, I want to say, I want to say his name was Francis. Maybe it was, yeah, maybe it was Francis, or maybe his name was like, Hanks, Hanks or,

Oh, fuck. I'll be honest, I don't remember my horse's name either, but in my defense, I think I bought that horse and then didn't interact with it for a second after. Like buying something at a convenience store and leaving it on the counter and forget just walking out. Yeah, we didn't need those horses at all. We didn't move for years.

I want to say bunker Johnson? No, that's close. Flont? Flont. Was that it? I don't know, but that's a good name for a horse. No, Chad, I think you're thinking of the horses we're writing right now. Bunker Johnson and Flont. Oh, yes, yes, yes, horse. No, Chad, I think you're thinking of the horses we're riding right now, bunker Johnson and flaunt.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Man, my memory is fucked. Arnie, I will say, as you continue to ride these horses, and if you ever ride it in a other horse in the future, what you really need to do is like get your body into it, so you can't be passive while riding a horse, you have to really time your bounces. Okay. I don't, I gotta be honest, I don't have a lot of rhythm. Oh, well maybe you can snap your finger while you ride. Okay. Okay, it's making it worse. You can barely

snap. Okay. Don't, I, I think you might fall off. Stop that. Yeah, yeah, stop. Grab the reins again. Grab the reins. No, don't, don't grab yeah, stop. Grab the reins again, grab the reins. No, don't grab at the reins. Grab the reins. The reins is like a weak pass. It's hard to grab at it. No, don't blame it on the reins. You know, I've been a horse before, aren't you? Yo, yeah. Yeah, and even when I'm in a badger form, I feel like you won't ride me. How come you never get on my back for a Chenty-Backride?

A badger back ride. I don't know. I think I like to leave my writing separate for my friendships. It's like a business arrangement, right? Writing a horse like if there's a real respect there, but you don't want to like muddy it with friendship. Sure, sure.

Did I ever tell you about the time I jumped on a pig's back? No, no. Crushed it. Ooh, yeah. Never jump on a pig's back. Oh, no. Crushed it. Ooh, yeah. Never jump on a pig's back. If I can give one advice to everyone in food and in our earth, never jump on a pig's back. I don't know why they're called piggyback rides.

Their skeletal structure is not sound enough for the weight of anyone, but shut. What if you were a sweet baby pig? Oh, then absolutely jumped on their back. No, because then he would have had to fuck a baby pig. I want my baby pig. What? Baby pig, baby pig.

Wait, what did you say? No, no. Is that what you think babies come from? Have you been looking at my song lyrics? Ooooooooh. Fuck a baby pig. Well cut it out. Wow.

You soo- how would you define your relationship with your horse? Is it like a peer relationship, a friendship? Well, I've known many horses over the years, and I have different friendship levels with many of them. Bunker here is a fine steed, and I'm so glad we were able to pick here, even along with the others this past week. Yet I hold a very special place in my heart. For Grimhoff, the fifth fastest horse in food. Why I just recently went on an adventure with him.

Oh! Ooh, details. Well, we had to find these artifacts for an Elving Queen. It's all chronicled by the paywall. Oh, that darn paywall. It seems like it's spread it up overnight in food. Damn, you paywall. One of these days, I shall tear the down coin by coin.

And we're gonna make the horses pay for the paywall. But until then, feel free to sign up for Stitcher Premium. You start looking up ahead on the horizon. Yes. A flat line. It looks like dark clouds are coming and... Oh, dark clouds, you say? Why?

That means another rain storm. Why, but a week ago, we did hide inside a cave and find something even worse than rain there. But it's also getting colder. Yes, yes, it is. Well, it is the perfect time since we have our horses now. If I everyone to shrink down and get inside of my hat. Wait, I was caught up in the rhythm of my horse. Did you say there's dark clouds coming? cast the six ways into the pits of hell.

Arnie torrential means tormented, but with potential. Hmm. When I was a teenager, I was so torrential. And I have the poetry to prove it. But think of poor seance, we must, we must away or quickly before seance is destroyed. Once and sees destroyed once and for all your beautiful little bone cat Bunker Sian's Here all moves up on the cat who's a Sian's what's him doing what's him doing so you said or if we could have just safely hidden in your hat

Why do we go into that weird cave last week? No because I knew where the cave was now we're on the open road. There's nowhere else to go. I can't believe we finally get to go inside the hat. You think I'm a waste going on my hat when I've got a guest lined up? Arnie, this is our chance. Don't blow it. All right, fine.

We've heard about the inside of his hat. We heard, you know, he wrens it out as a bed and breakfast that there's all this stuff he pulls out of it. It's got to be magical inside. Yeah, I'm just excited to see that tavern that's supposed to be in there. Oh, yes. So many accommodations and warm, cozy rooms. Places you have never imagined, nor dare to. Dangerous and full-bidding.

Beautiful and grotesque. You shall enter my hat and see wonders that shall crush your very brain. Wait, I'm having a mental breakdown. Let's go, Harold. Harold, come on, come on. I'm getting started. Here we are. Well, Ahni, knock on the door.

Okay. Wait, Ahni, are we gonna attack like this or normal? I don't know. I can't tell if this is a choice or if I'm, is this what's... No, no, I'm sorry. I thought because we shrunk, I think my brain was like, this is how you talk now. And yes, that's what I assume, right?

I make an assume. Does that make sense? That sounds delicious. You wanna see me? Oh, I'd love some assume. Well, when we get to this, I don't make you something. Thank you very much. There's one thing I know about user, he loves some ass,

assume. You have to knock on the door and you have to give them the password for us to get in. Thank you very much. There's one thing I know about you sir, he loves some ass zoom a Onnie, uh, you have to knock on the door and you have to give them the password for us to get in Okay, what but before I knock what is the password? I can't tell you Arnie that it's not a password Hello Hi, we would like to we would like to go into this. Yeah, Arnie applied attitude. That's the fucking password You had to give me the password. I'm used to door the door keeper Um, I can't tell you You can't tell me the password. I can't tell you is the password. I don't think so Arnie

It's password not pass phrase. Okay, I'm okay. That's my fault. I can't tell you All right, come on you not pass phrase. Okay, I have a- oh no no no, okay, that's my fault. I can't tell you. Alright, come on here! Damn, you're good! Yeah! Ah, very good. Let's us enter here. Ah! Whoa!

Beautiful, uh, in and, uh, Tavan, I have created here within my cat. Do you not love it? Does it not remind you of our sweet, familiar minute or? What? I'm either familiar minute or only everyone in here is you. That's right. Everyone in here is me. Even me. Even though I'm outside of the hat still obviously. Wait, we're still on your head? Yeah, Yusudor is riding the horse and he's corralled your other

horses and I'm here as sort of an avatar of you Sadoa. Fuck, I'm freaking out. So wait, inside your hat is there even tinier versions of us? Absolutely. Let's go and see them! Oh no! Holy shit, this is a wild! Tiny chun-to-tinyani, this is Chun-to-na-ni. Hello? I keep doing that. Why do I keep doing that?

Hello? You don't have to ask that too. Alright, well, this is already too confusing. Let's go back to the first level. Oh, there we go! Oh, huh. Let's settle up to the bar. Get yourself something to drink.

Oh, um, the barstools are horses, so I'll settle up here. Well, easy, easy boy, easy bar stool. Oh, yes. This is where all the tiny horses go after I create them. They retire and become barstools. Oh. Wow, and their top hats are perfect as a coaster. Exactly.

Um, Arnie, what do you have it? I'm buying. Are there any specials? Ha, ha, ha, your money's no good here. Oh, fuck them, I guess we can't drink. Well, no, no, no, I do. Oh, you misunderstand. You need to no good here. Oh, fuck them, I guess we can't drink. Well, no, no, I do. Oh, you misunderstand. You need to pay nothing here for I'm, you should all the barkeep.

Oh, you can just say, I'm sorry. The way you phrase it was very confusing as if I couldn't get a drink here. So next time, you can just say like, drink this free. Well, then why don't you fuck off? Oh, hey. No, no, no, you miss the stand. I mean, I would love for you to engage in a sexual congress that brought you pleasure. Ooh.

Did I save that? Did I save that in a weird way too? No, I got it. I cleaned your intent. Ah, excellent. Then tell me, what shall I give you to imbib? Oh, Ernie, do I ask for like a tiny mead with tiny raspberry? Or in the hat, is it just regular mead in raspberry?

Friend lenient for a moment. Oh, okay, is he talking to hear me? Both of you. Okay, if you'd needn't, everything here is relatively the same size. Tiny okay, tiny we understand. So we do, yeah, we don't need all the adjectives. We'll be fine. Tiny thank you.

Yo, welcome. Tiny. Pfff. Um, fine. Tiny, thank you. Yo, welcome. Tiny. Uh, let's see. Did it, did it, did it. Well, I always get a meat with raspberry in it. So let me, let me shake things up. Ooh, speaking of shake things up, can I get a spartini?

Arneas spartini is a martini, but there's two, there's two tiny, all the sparring inside of it. Oh, there you are one spot teeny Ooh, and you have to drink it before one of them kills the other Yes, be quick and what shall I get for you? Arnold, it's Arnie. I'll have I feel like a red potion a red potion No, no, no, no, no, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Tiny. No. Tiny. No. It's a tiny red potion No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, tiny red potion. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a tiny red potion.

I don't even think you should have a tiny one. Okay, this fine potion. I'll have a slumber cup. A slumber cup it is. Here you are, friend. Thimble, I served it to you in to show you how tiny it is. And smack. Ah.

Knock it on the floor. Arnie, this episode is just the three of us. We can't have any slumber cut. I know. Why is it every time I like something, I abuse it to the point where I'm not allowed to have it anymore? Well, can I get you another drink, friend?

Ah, yes, you know what you'll have. You'll have one you've got strong dock ails. They're very good in here. Ah, very good friend. I shall bring it to you for the fourth week. You said, or can I ask you something for a second while Yes, I'm gonna use it or or with maybe I'm imagining this and but it seemed like there's a weird tension between you and Bart under you Sodor well, we had a thing oh

Like a like a fling we had a little fling. Oh, yeah avatar you said or me and Barkey by you said all fling. Oh yeah Avatar Yousadore me and Bakibe Yousadore. We're in Tangled for a buttoch or time. Are you called Avatar Yousadore because you're in 3D? We're all in 3D. Oh yeah. Yousadore and Yousadore. Sit in in a hat. Kiss in and kiss in. Yeah, like that. Oh good one. I was gonna say I've never come across this circumstance before where a wizard drinks himself and then fucks a tiny version of him inside his own hat. Well, just sort of a run-of-the-mill thing here. I mean, the person you definitely don't wanna talk to

is depressed you so door there at the end of the bar. Oh. That's weird, you say I don't wanna talk to him, but now I kinda wanna talk to him. Yeah, especially since his tail fell off. Why would you want to talk to him, but now I kind of want to talk to him. Yeah, especially since his tail fell off. Why would you want to talk to me? Oh, I told him. I can't tell if he's depressed or old.

Are you old, Yosidore? I'm both. No one wants to talk to me. Well, I have nothing to offer this world. I have failed in everything I have ever tried to do. Oh, buddy, you realize when you say no one wants to talk to you and we're already talking to you, you're calling us nobodies? Brood.

You see, I don't mean to be a brood. I grew in everything I touch. I drink too much. I yell too loudly and I push people away when all I want to do is bring them closer. Arnie, these are all the complaints we had about full size use of door. I was gonna say this is the first use of door that seems to have like a self-awareness. I pay no attention to that use adore, but he knows nothing of himself. Wait, no, it sounds like he's taking full advantage. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no in this part. You got it. Oh, let me think of a good, oh, I got one.

Excuse me, Sexy Useodore? Yes. On a skill from one to 10, you're a nine, and I'm the one you need. Oh, it's a math joke. No, but it's absolutely the truth at the same time. Huh? Have you ever been petted just like this?

Oh, how luxurious your fur is. Thank you. Could I convince you to come upstairs with me and spend the evening with me? I shall read you poetry and feed you grapes. And then I shall kiss your little toes. That's really not my thing. But thank you. What is your thing? I guess you like sex. Oh, I was I was working up to that. I thought I thought I'm sorry to button. I thought you were to in this part. I know I know, but you seem to have gotten through the math part so I felt like it was more safe for me.

I think, look, I don't know, but I think Chant is more just into sex in the abstract. Well, I've never done it that way, but I'm willing to learn. I shall take you to new heights of pleasure, the likes of which you have made. No. Wait, you've never done it before, but you're willing to learn. But you think you can guarantee you'll take me to new heights? Buddy, buddy, no. Wait, you've never done it before, but you're willing to learn. But you think you can guarantee you'll take me to new heights. Buddy, buddy, buddy. Absolutely.

Wow, you have to, you have to learn how to fuck before you can crawl. That's all right. Yeah. Let me disrobe before you. Duh. Sex at Yusador looks almost exactly like regular Yusador are But he has a confidence that's appealing. Oh, but this voice. It's so luxurious and so reassuring Don't you feel comforted just listening to me right now?

Absolutely. I feel like I'm meditating and also I'm so calm about your blue nipplesilis. Oh yes, that can't be good. Are they getting enough oxygen? It's the best. Do you know how fire works? Do I know? Oh, okay, there's a space between fire and works. Yes, I know how fire works. There's red hot.

Uh huh. Then there's white hot. But before you get to white hot, there's white hot, okay, but before you get to white hot There's blue hot. Yeah, what's it like just like these nipples right here? Well, since they're blue. I'm gonna call them blipples. That's a good idea Beautiful sexy idea here. Oh, and you touch one too. Oh Why don't you talk about white hot? Why don't we have to talk about the hotness that's hotter than blue? Arnie you go clockwise. I'll go counterclockwise. What are we doing now?

Do you think it's weird Arnie also that he asked me if I knew how fireworks, and then I said yes, and then he explained how fireworks? Chant, do you know why the sun rises every day? I wanna say because somebody got impaled by a bowl. To attempt to be as beautiful as you. Oh. That seems wrong.

That's, that can't be right. No, let him finish. Is there more? Yes. And then every day, it spends 12 hours trying to be as beautiful as you And when it realizes it cannot win it recedes into the horizon And then the next morning it attempts again Day after day

You know sexy used to or you seem like the guy let me put my fingers in your mouth Okay, and let me put my fingers in not necessarily the easiest conquest, is that right? I suppose that I've seen much in my life, and I hope to encounter new experiences, which I suppose does mean that yay, a challenge being necessary to see- see shape my many lustful desires. I'm just saying looking around the room, there's a lot of real weird, freaky use the doors here. But it seems like everyone's kind of overlooking, depressed use the door.

Yeah, I know. No, no, yeah, you're best off to not engage with him or to interact with him, because if that, we have to keep that guy in control. Okay. I was just saying like maybe you could give him a new lease on life. No. That would be the worst thing possible. If depressed you said all. Finally had some courage. You would destroy the true you said all.

What? Imagine a you said all lacking confidence. A you said all who actually had the ability to reflect upon his own actions I can't even think about it. I can't think about it. I can't think about it Sorry, can I stop going counterclockwise on your blipple? Yeah, you're good. Okay. Thank you John, I feel like we've stumbled onto something a little more complicated than we expected a little more complicated than we expected. Oh, you think? I know how that's going over here.

I saw you talking to Sexy Yusador. Oh, get it, get it. I'm afraid to go upstairs with him. Yusador, is this crazy, but I felt like I sensed a sort of tension between you and Sexy Yusador. Oh, we got a thing. Yeah, there's a wild back. I wouldn't worry about it. Yeah, if I met someone with chicken fingers, I'd never let them go.

Oh, man. Got to love those chicken fingers, right? So good. Finger lick and good. I love the use of the words. Use the orcansc or a wee safe here? What? Of course. Of course. Oh, you're perfectly safe. Why wouldn't you be safe? No, no, I don't. I'm just double checking.

Can I ask, are you safe here? Me, yes, I'm outside writing the horses towards our destination where we shall have wizards counseled in about a week's time. And then we shall spend two, three to four days, I haven't seen the whole program yet. You know, learning everything we need to know to bring our forces together.

And this here, in mind had, is but a respite before we do engage in this great event that shall surely turn the tide against the dark Lord. For sure, for sure, for sure. But, but, if you die in this hat, do you die in real life? Ah, you know, I never thought about that. I mean, usually, usadouas don't try to kill each other in that inside-back.

There's two in the corner killing each other right now. Yeah, well, that's murder, usadoua, and death wish usadoua. And then we make that. There's an exception to every rule, John, to sure. Yeah, that one is grabbing his sword and calling it into his tummy Yeah, they get along like Yes, they were very chatted. It's a sword fit. There's there's something sexual by the eye I know also why did he run him through and the eye

Look this entire place is charged with sexuality that cannot be denied But I just ask you to simply enjoy your sales, order another drink. Let's sit in our old table and enjoy our sales just as if we were back at the 5 million minute hall. What's that? Her old table. Yes. It's right over here. Behind this curtain. I've recreated it almost exactly.

Except, of course, in the room, million minutes are, there's no curtain. That's right. No curtain. And the table didn't have these nipples. No. Arnie, let's play a game. Let's try and guess the name of this tavern. Okay. I'll go first. Let's see here. So we're inside a hat. Yes. And then there's also a lot of you stores here with tiny hats. So there's a lot of hats going on. Besides you so there's nobody here. I have to imagine they make $0 a year, so I'm gonna call it lids

What do you think? I like that. I like that my guess looking around There's a lot of wizards that are all used or they have the power to like shoot lightning out of their fingers I'm gonna call it zapple bees like shoot lightning out of their fingers. I'm gonna call it Zapplebees. Ooh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What's your next guess? I wanna seed my time to further explore Zapplebees.

Okay. Yeah. Usador. Oh, I know, sorry, sorry, everyone. Regular Usador. Oh, is that me? Yes, I suppose so. You didn't wanna talk to the table full of animal Usadors?

Uh, later I knew, of course. No! No! No! How come all ten of them all cacod? They're all different animals. I don't know. I think it's an inside joke because we're inside a hat.

Yeah, all jokes in here are inside jokes. That's a very good point. You sir, we're trying to get... Sorry, regular user, we're trying to guess the name of this tavern. Does it have a name? Oh, well, we've trying to get sorry regular you sir. We're trying to guess the name of the this tavern. Does it have a name? Oh, well, we've been kicking around names We were thinking of Brim and brew I think was what I think suggested

I think You know I was thinking of something that was like a hat pun. I think I have it. What is this the night cap? I think I have it. What is this? The Nightcap? Oh! I like that. I like that a lot. And Night could be spelled one of two ways.

Oh, yes, oh, the Nightcap. That's very good. And IGHT or... And I... IGHT. You know what, Chant? That would just shut to the top of the list. Ooh, I made the used to the top 100.

Here, let me just cross out Fudrachos. And at its place, I'll put the night cap. Here, let me just rip up my Danny Fudds fan history. No one wants to read that. Well, yeah, can I bring you something to eat? What would you like? Anything at all? Oh, boy. Is the menu here similar to the Remain Minute or do you have any sort of like hat specialties? Well, it's very similar.

What was some of your favorite things there? I can tell with it. You don't even worry about our orders. I think it looks like waiter use the source coming over. Uh, hello. May I serve you? What's this red little vest you got? Oh, shouldn't that be a blue vest? Yes, well the management insists that I wear the red one

Oh Watch this. Oh a waiter used to do it. Hey This guy next to me Arnie. It's his birthday today. Oh So did you want to do something? Oh. So did you want to do something? Do we have a... Oh, yes. Oh, don't worry.

I'll come back and I will sing a song. What do you least expect? Well, I think even now he's not expecting. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday. Arnold. It's Arnold. It's Arnold, thank you. It's me, Carl. It's me, Carl. It's me, Carl.

It's me, Carl. It's me, Carl. It's me, Carl. It's me, Carl. It ends. That was perfect. It's me, Carl. It ends.

It ends. It ends. It ends. It ends. It ends. It ends. the camp and it ends. Arnie, it's so sad. I think he forgot the words so he kept repeating happy until his brain kicked in and gave him the rest. Yes, wait, can I get you anything else? Or is it to anyone else's birthday? It is actually John's birthday.

Oh, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, above, dear. above DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Here, here, here, here, here, here are your menus and my headshots on the other side. Oh, um, wow. These look old. Like, how long ago did you get these shots? Uh, just a century ago. Under special skills that says you know how to drive stick shit? That's not, that's not a special skill, my man. Oh, no, it is.

It's a very strange and rare way to ride a horse where you put a stick in there But and you then you move it around to help them go faster Well, I asked an answer Let's see here. Oh, Arnie look at the minion here. I'm would you like some of that ass to me? Actually, I know me makes it like me, so I'm gonna leave that till later. Oh, Arnie, do you like your own astamay? I like everyone likes to eat their own astamay. If they can reach it, because you have to cool it on a window so it'll up high.

Arnie, do you want to split the baby hat ribs? Sure! Let's get order the baby hat ribs. All right. What else? Can we have the fitted olives? We'll have a bowl of the fitted olives. Absolutely. I'm very curious, I don't know, this seems like a theme thing on the menu.

I guess we have a bowl of the tiny use of doors. Oh, of course. And also some mushroom caps and one else here. I wonder if those are gonna be like cookies that are shaped like use also some mushroom caps and one else here. I wonder if those are gonna be like cookies that are shaped like you said before. The mushroom caps? Yeah.

You're fucking idiot. Oh. Arnie, you're my best friend. You're fucking idiot. What else, what else, what else, what else, what else, let's see. You know, in one of these days, we're gonna go into my hat

and everyone's gonna fucking kick your ass. You have a hat? You have a hat? But one of these days, I'm gonna get my hat and everyone's gonna fucking kick your ass. You have a hat? You have a hat? I don't, but one of these days I'm gonna get a hat and magic, and then I'm gonna make a tavern inside my magic hat. All right. Now probably be like season seven. All right.

Oh, and one more thing, and we'll take some brim chief for the table. Oh, excellent. I'll bring all of that out right away. Would you like to start with the bow tie to usadoles? Yes, but right before that, could you bring us Segway to commercial usadork? I think it's about to break.

Wait, there's a usadork that's standing over there with a sign that says Segway usadork. Hey buddy, come over here. Yeah. It's your time to shine. Take buddy, come over here. Uh, yeah. It's your time to shine. Take it away. Don't worry folks, we'll be here right back. We've got a little horn.

Hey, hey, hey. That's a dog. Sorry to call your dog a horn. And now boy, hello from the Magic Chatter. Oh, thanks, Segway Yusador. Yeah, thank you, Segway Yusador. No, I'm so sorry, we weren't talking to you. Motorized Segway Yusador. Guess what?

I've been meaning to ask you, Audible. What the hell is that? I can't believe he has motors for eyes. That's not what that I'm really not familiar with. It seems like Moa of an earth thing, like a strange, motorized conveyance. Yeah, there's a lot of steam coming out of there. You said, how many of these use-sidores

are you even consciously aware of? I guess it all understand like how much of this is you. It's all me. Well, how many of these have you had a thing with? Let's see. Sparkype use-sidol. It's a password use-sidol. There's Airdberg, Turtle, Pelican. What about Bad Fuck, Dusidor over there?

Oh yeah. I'd have a thing with Bad Fuck. There's sexy Dusidor. Death Wish, Dusidor. The Press, Dusidor. Oh, there's Death Wish, too, Dusidor. He's right behind Death Wish, waiting his turn. Yeah, mostidore. I don't think so. He's right behind Deathwish, waiting his two. Oh, yeah, most of them. I think most of them. Oh, Isidore, would you mind, it looks like the food zone was ready?

Would you mind going up and grabbing us some napkins? And I know you can magic us some napkins, but I would really prefer the ones at the bar. Oh, certainly. I have no problem. What's the more emulation? Thanks, buddy. Arnie, yeah. Let's invite over to press Isidore. Certainly I have no problem with the more emulation Thanks buddy Arnie yeah, let's invite over depressed usador. We got you this guy up. I feel so bad for him because he's he's a part of usador

He's our buddy, and I feel bad that he's so so down on himself Absolutely. I mean, I like to give him shit, but I don't know of course Let's never stop that should feel that way, but I don't want him to feel that way. Yeah, but if there's even a tiny part of big regular usador that's depressed or sad, we gotta fix that, we gotta cheer it up. I know a person can't have an emotional range that involves any lows, everyone's gotta have a manicure.

She like us. Exactly. Hey, hey, depressed usador. Yeah? Can I call you the do Prusa door sure I don't care We say this see for you. Come over here and come join us. This come join us at this very Teryl. Oh, oh, they get difference at all Look at you my good friends. Chunt. Yeah? Ah, honey. No, how I've already failed you. Wait, you already know us?

Of course I know you. Do all the used doors in here know us? Yes. What? Thank, oh, there's confirmation used door. Thank you confirmation used door. Also, he seems to have a lot of checks from his relatives. Yeah, he's right next to First Communion, you said,

Oh, look, I don't understand completely how you said, or myself has splintered up and set you away. And some are so slight and have such specific uses, and yet I carry the burden that I must carry, knowing that for the last five years, I should have defeated the Dark Lord, I must carry. Knowing that for the last five years, I should have defeated the dog lord, and now I know all of you.

If I fail to protect you, the most important person in all of food. I know, I am a person. Also, I'm so sorry, the procedure. And you never again mentioned the words last five years around waiter use a door. Yeah, thank you so much. I, of course. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that. No, no, it's just the last five years around waiter use a door. Yeah, thank you so much. Of course.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that. No, no, it's just the last five years, I think, would set him off into his singing again. So, right, no, it's nowhere, the bruised, look at you. Look at that beard, beautiful beard. You see it right here? Yeah, I screwed it on the smoke.

Oh, I fell off. it is made of feathers. I just noticed that. You burned your beard off again. Yes, your beard fell off. Did it fall off after you took a blade to it? Oh, no blade was needed. Oh, how I have failed. You said you failed you, Audien.

You were killed. And the most important person in food dies. Phone is not only lost. My two wonderful friends. You should work first and foremost. You don't have to worry about failing us. We know you failed us. You failed us week after week.

Harding. No, it's true. It's what, but it does this thing. It's okay. How dare you. It's okay. How dare you. No, no, no, no, it's true. It's what but it does this thing. It's okay. It's okay. I failed you. Jungs failed me. We've all felt like we've mutually failed each other time and again, but we're still buddies. Of course you failed me. You're massive failures. I am the one that has the ability to actually do something.

Nobody expects anything from you. What the fuck? Well, I was trying to have a sort of counterintuitive, but still kind of like emotionally buoyant opinion, but a massive failure. Yeah, and also I have powers. I mean, I can just shapeshift it's not much, but in a pinch, it's pretty cool.

Yeah, you two areal fuck-ups. I get down and give me 20. Ugh. Come on, out of the booth, out of the booth and give me 20. Oh, it's personal trainer, you said, or? That's right, we're going to whip you into shape. And then you're gonna be our real menace for that Dark Lord. There's no reason to even bother, leave them be.

That pathetic them never be anything. They don't even want to even bother. Leave them be. Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th- going. Yeah, now get down on the ground. What? Wait, hold on. Get a muscle going. What? Honey, get on the ground. Yes, yes, sir. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Oh, no, you're not pulling your weight. I said, I'm doing his pushups. He's definitely squeezing it out and getting the muscle going, but I don't know how to do that. Well, here, just do what Chuck did. I'm not a shape shifter.

Honey, just lay on the ground and count. That's all I'm doing. OK, 29. 20, 30, 20, 32. I've never seen anyone take so long to get down on the ground on them. That's pathetic. I'm working my way up to it emotionally.

All right. You two low lives. Why don't you just sit here and think about what you've done. And when you're done, think about what you've done. Get in the showers. The showers are there. The showers are there. The showers are showers here? Is that what you said or his hair is always so wet?

No, that's not the reason my hair is always so wet. Look, look, you said or depressed you said or if you're both so worried about me dying, which hey, I get is a legitimate concern because I die easily and also I am the most important person in all of the food. Just like magic it, right? Just make me like unkillable. That solves a lot of your problems.

If only I could. If only I had the power to make you immortal, or nearly indestructible. I don't have the power. That's why I keep searching, leaving you weak after weak to come back just in time for the podcast. I'll be there to find some artifact or some bit of arcane knowledge that shall allow me to help you.

And oh sweet chunt, I don't even know what to do for you. Oh, I don't know how to take that, is that- No, it's not a fuck you, no, no, I just, I wanted to help you, but I don't know how to get Aggie baby back to you. I don't know how to get to store back to you. I fear I failed you beyond repair at this point, and there's still maybe a chance to help on you. It's upcoming. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault. Hey, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not on you. Hey, Duprusidor, it's not on you. It's not your fault. It's not on you. Hey, DePrusador, it's not on you. You're one use-ador, okay? What? Anything that happens in life, you know, there's three of us. Well, right now there's like fucking 400 of us,

but basically, usually there's three of us, and that means that you're watching the responsibility and the accountability is on, you know, is on all three of us, and sometimes maybe one person carries the full load, sometimes two, but it is on all three of us. And sometimes maybe one person carries the full load, sometimes too, but it's on all three of us to get through this, okay? You can't do it alone. It's not your job to save us.

It's your job to be there for us, that's it. Arnie, what were those things on Earth? You told me about after school specials that had good messages for moments like these. What are some of the after school special sayings or phrases? Okay, so for one thing, one of us could be Jody Foster, we could take a lot of pills and jump out of a window.

Oh, what? Here, I have an idea. How does that help? Debrisador. Yeah? I found this under your bed. You wanna explain, young man? I learned it from watching you.

Shit, Arnie's got me there. That's true. I held up some more, Gorbain. He definitely saw me take more go of. Yeah, he's been watching you take drugs a lot lately. Here's the thing, you've been taking a lot of drugs lately and also you've still been watching you in a weird way. We have our own little ecosystem. I don't mean to be so weird, so off-putting, but when

you are a wizard and there are so many conflicting voices and powers inside of you, it's nearly impossible to relate to people the way people are meant to relate. What? Yusuf, that's the way people relate to people by feeling like they're not doing it right Really, yeah, I'm sorry. I don't want to take away your defining characteristics to press you said or But all these things seem very normal to me. Oh, well, I was also partially trying to justify next week being a shit show potentially Oh, okay. Yeah, well if you're yeah, okay, but I hear what you say. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. But I hear what you're saying. Oh, we're all doing all best. We're all doing our best and we're all going through shit. You know? Yeah. To use waiter use the door's terminology, you can't compare your backstage to everyone else's on stage.

My ears are burning. Here are your bowls of tiny usados. Oh, let's meet some of these. Eat me, eat me, eat me, eat me. I'm delicious and crunchy at milk. I'm delicious and crunchy milk. You fucking hurt me, eat me. Whoa, all right. Ooh, tastes like chicken.

I never had chicken for cereal. I'm gonna pass on the tiny usados. You're gonna pass? You're too good to eat a bowl of crunchy usadoroes? I didn't say I was too good for it. I just, I don't know. It's, I'm a picky eater, I guess. Audi won't even eat a bowl of me.

And I, and I named them usadoroes instead of usados. Oh, and they're turning the milk blue. Sit that fun. Very fun. A couple of them are pooping. I still can't get over that this cereal is savoring. It's just really off-putting. It's good, it's good.

Can we talk to the chef, you, Zador? Yes. What's your background, chef, you, Zador? Where'd you train? Well, I assume Cordon Blue, because of the colors. Yes, I trained at the Cordon Blue, and I've come here to work in Yusodore Tatt. And I am sad that you did not enjoy this delicious meal I've made for you. Wait a second, a tiny French accented chef hiding inside someone's hat.

That doesn't seem very proud. Oh, this is scam artist Y Yusidor, you motherfucker. Sakura Blue, what's his French? Yeah, what is French? Ah, Zoe, I took our money. Goodbye. Is French when you're friends with a henchman? Mm-hmm.

Is that why you French kiss that henchman? No, we promised not to talk about that. We promised. We broke up. We always. We broke our promises. We always break our promises. You said, is it possible that there's all this heightened anxiety around the tavern inside your hat right now because we're on our way to the wizard council?

Or you? I don't know what you mean. I mean, it's not going to be awkward to see Jean-Liviol, or Spin-Tex, or any of the other wizards. We find. I mean... She'll be welcome back into the ranks without any problems at all. They've made it very clear that they're really mad at you.

It's okay to be stressed out about that. You know it isn't okay? Trying to cross you at all. Because you said I'll find you. And to mount you down until he takes his vengeance. If you see, I cannot be killed. And I have a certain set of skills, and I'm not afraid to use them on the mics of you.

I'm not knee-camped. It's Arnie. What I refer to you as taken you, Sador? I'm sure I don't know what that means. Arnie, did your parents ever think about naming you Liam Nikim? I mean, not at first, but later on, decades later, they were granted not naming me that.

I can see why, yeah. Ah, hello! Hello? Can you hear me in there? Oh, Arnie, this is you should or zero. This is the, the, the, the, I'm used to do it or zero. That's a name we call behind his back. No, no, it's true. I have all the same flavor in one of the calories. I can't tell if he's, are you yelling at us or are you projecting your voice inside the hat? I'm projecting my voice inside the hat. I'm just staring blankly forward in the space ahead of me. My voice is just echoing into your head through my laptop. How's it going out there?

The sky is clear, not a little bit. It only rains on a very brief amount of time. How is Sae-Aun doing? Saun's is good. He's mostly... there seems to be Cat Lover used to do it in here. He's mostly been hanging out with him. Oh yes. There are many wonderful used to do this in there. You should get to know them all. But soon as you're done, I miss you my friends. Come out. I'm going to send Joy and Jellis company. We're just hanging out with depressed Yusador,

even though several versions of Yutola said we should not. Oh yes, Yusador, yeah. I would really dig too deep there. You could really, yeah, yeah, just talk to a sexy Yusador Crossword Yusador. Ooh, Crossword Yusador. Why does it keep steering us towards sexy use the door? I don't think we've come across crossword use the door.

Oh, he's down there. What is 17 down? Four letters. What goes up must come. Oh, hey buddy, I think the word you're looking for is clown. I don't know, I'll have to put the sea and the air in a box together but I was in a relationship with somebody in the circus and they always said what goes up must come clown. That's that's very good. Yeah the difficult

thing about crosswords is yeah a lot of people think all they want let it go in a box but I don't agree with that method. Sean you don't talk too much about that clown you used to date, but you didn't mention that he was always talking about how he must come clown. Look, hey, I am what I am, I'm a must come clown. Yeah, it was getting pretty serious. I put two rings on it, couldn't bring myself to put a third. Oh, oh, there's crossword use the door and then there's crossword use the door. Hello, crossword use the door. Oh, it's with two swords strong, is this use the door?

And there, shall I be caught on a was. Oh, if you do attempt to fight me, watch out, fry me, cut off your hand with this sword and then cut off your nose with this one and then your hand with the other one and then the rest of of your arm with this and my swords always ready to attack. Oh that was intense. Hey Arnie I just realized something. You know when we sat down the table and the table had nipples? That tables are used to do. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Was that a common problem or at your house? Yeah, I'd say so. You couldn't call me, is Joden and Hugs' tagging? It's my name at IKEA.

Oh, already I have an idea. Uh-huh. Let's have all the usitors we've met so far. Do their names. Their full names? Their full names, because you know each one probably has a difference. Their full names? Their full names, because you know each one probably has a different set. Mm-hmm. That's the name. Well, first of all, out of respect, let's start with regular Yusador. Yeah, I am Yusador. Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow.

Manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos. Champion of the great halls of Trakis, the elves no me is fearin' I look. The dwarves no me is stowed in in huk stengies, and I am known in the North East as Gasphenius Mace Star, and here within this hat they do call me Avatar Yusador, or regular Yusador, I am the prime Yusador, it shrunk down so that my other self-mace continue to pre-ambulate through the world. Great, that's one down. Now everyone! Arnie, they all spoke at once, which is glorious I'm not a real. Arnie they all spoke at once which is glorious and also very cacophonous but I did catch waiter useador said I'm also known as gas

wheynus may star in an upcoming production which is I mean after hearing him singing have worth a not a reality. Not gonna happen. Arnie you know the one you said or didn't hear say his full name. I'm not a real, I'm not gonna happen. Yeah. You know the one you said, or I didn't hear, say his full name, to press the his little shell. I hear,

to numerate my names, some blithering fool who does not know when people do not want to hear him crackling on. I can't tell if he started or if he's debating whether or not to on. I can't tell if he's started or if he's debating whether or not to start. I am used to all the blue wizard,

defaced and defamed and defroaked. I am a fool and unloved and nonchalant known me by any name. For as I continue to fail in my many tasks, it is assured that history shall forgive me, and the Dark Lord shall rule over all. Is that all that's making you sad? You lost your frock? What gets you a new one, buddy? Did you hear what I said, the dark lord will rule over all. There is no point in fighting him. We must go to him now and join his ranks

for otherwise our destruction is assured. Wait a second. Oh shit, this whole time I thought we needed to be friends with depressed Yusudor. Maybe sit next to him, hold his hand, just sort of be there for him. But I didn't realize the reason everyone wants us to avoid depressed Yusudor, maybe sit next to him, hold his hand, just sort of be there for him. But I didn't realize the reason everyone wants us to avoid depressed Yusudor is this Yusudor without hope.

This is the part of Yusudor that is like maybe we should just give up and give in to the dark lord. Yeah, this guy's a fucking coward. It's terrifying. Throw in the towel. There's no point in going on. You're almost. Throw in the towel. There's no point in going on. You're all lost. This is the end.

Shall be like the beginning when there was nothing, and the goddesses stood up and drew something out of the nothing, but it shall be in reverse, where all of the somethings go into nothing, and all that's left is the darkness. The darkness of that dark wizard who did raise himself up from our eggs and make a fool of us all. You shall feel his wrath and destruction lest you do now take bend it knees. Oh, alright, alright, alright, sit down. These are how do you deal with this guy? How do you deal with it? How do you deal with the things that upset you and scare you and an- and an upsetting? You just have to go on. I just throw myself into a new creative project and try to keep as busy as possible. Yeah, the little guys in my head that say this shit, I just swallow them down very unruly deep.

Oh, maybe we should talk to each other more. About these things. To help us cope with them better. If you are afraid of something, I want to know because that I can help you. And obviously, that's what I'm most afraid of, that I am not able to help you. Oh, thank you for sharing that with us. You're welcome.

Yeah, user are usually so full of bluster and confidence that, you know, I feel safe and just responding with the hearty fuck off, but I guess I would never guess that there was so much doubt and secret desire to give into the Dark Lord. Yeah, but you're really focusing on this one you said, oh, out of like 400, there's a barkeep you said, oh, I mean, like, we're really running the gamut here. Yeah, but you're really focusing on this one Yusudor out of like 400. There's a barkeep, Yusudor. I mean like we're really running the gamut here.

Yeah Arnie, let's have some fun. Ooh, hey Southern gentleman Yusudor. Wow, Yusudor. Hey, Atomaton Yusudor. Yeah. Hey Johnson Bastion. Yes. What do you need?

Hey, Frog Yusudor. Rubber? I wish they'd say more than just hi. I know, they just are staring at us. They're all standing here. We call them the day when they just stare at us. Oh, there's an owl. Hey, Who Isador?

To be fair, you called us over. And that's not going to follow up with anything. Yeah, this is my bad. We're just waiting attentively for our question or something. We don't get a lot of visitors, other than usadors here. Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's call over more.

There you go. That nerdy usador, usador. What? Hey, non-stop danceador. Yeah, gotta get down, gotta get down. Oh, wow. Oh. Oh, yeah, gotta get down, gotta get deep, get down, go, wow. Oh, there's the litigious wizard, Sucedor. You two gentlemen have been in this bar for a long time, so far failed to pay for a single

drink. So get out of here ASMR to door. We're talking to Sucedor. I know. You two are in big trouble. I am going to sue each one of you for everything you're worth because you've made a fool of me. That's right, a defamation suit. For all the years, you've dragged my name through the mud. Oh shit, a defecation suit. He's on to us. That's right. Well hold on, we'll see if we're in trouble. Let's see the wizard who's been tallying points this whole time.

Yusa score. Ah. Looks like Charm wins. Hell yeah. What else? What else? Yusa whore? Oh, Ernie, look what we're standing on.

Yusa floor. Oh, what the whole floor? That's right. I did notice for a second. This floor has nipples. I tripped over blue nipple. You can call me Zoning-in who? Plexus!

That your best work. Hey! What am I supposed to do? What's that blue cow? Oh! Moosa door! Mmmmmm! Wow, I don't know what I was expecting.

Oh, there we go! I...I...I...I...I...I hesitate to call them over, but I am curious about two-life crusador. No, thank you. Oh, this one looks sick. Flueset over? I am with the USO. I was in the 12th realm. Steeze is you.

Oh, this one's golfing, use a four. Use a four. Sorry, echo use a door. Can you make way for use a four? Oh, sorry. ASMR door getting out of here. No, it's hard to tell. It's hard to tell.

Because I'm golf announcer in this door. And I'm ASMR use a door. I don't know what they're talking about. Golf user is just saying what golf user is doing. He's approaching the green. He's getting angry because green is making him think of spin-tax. So he usually has a bad putt in game. But he might go, he is playing bad putt in.

He is throwing it into the sky with all the magical power that it has. That it's flying through the sky, up and up and up, and that putter is gone. Boss still saved far away from it. What do you think about all that? Tight five, Yusador. Well, what I'm gonna say is, whoa, you got me. If you have seen this many Yusador's, you gotta know you gotta know that they don't know what they're talking about. Have you ever seen any time at the usador?

It's nuts in there. You gotta just stay and hang on, be cool. I don't like your friends with them, but you can't be friends with a guy like me. Oh, it's true, it's so true. It's even mine, this is his best five minutes. Oh, this is the best five minutes I got. Well, I'm kind of weirdly drawn to the McClannahan comma rooster door

Well, I suppose you would be Arnie. I knew you'd find me the most attractive of them all You know Maybe it older was it, but I still have it when it counts in the sack potatoes how dare you, he slapped you. Sorry, Ernie, there's one useador that's been standing over there the whole time. And I've been waiting this entire episode to see what he says or does. Do you mind if I talk to Mountain Dewsador? Please. But there's several of them. I talk to Mountain Dews Siddore, please.

But there's several of them. Oh, there's a red one. Different flavor, Enua. There's one that makes my penis smaller, so I hear. Hey, Mountain Dews Siddore. Hey Jack. Oh, he's like a troll. What's going on?

I'm amped up in a number. Oh, his eyes are as big as plates. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want some more, Laura? Oh, there's blood coming out of his hair. Oh, you want some hair blood? No, no, thank you.

All right. I gotta go. You should know, thank you so much for letting us into the tavern inside your head. Oh, yeah, you can come in here any time. Well, it's inside my hat. It's not inside my head. Oh, that's right. Oh, I can't imagine what weird shit's going on inside your head. Oh yeah, you can come in here and tell me, well, it's inside my hat. It's not inside my head. Oh, that's right.

Oh, I can't imagine what weird shit's going on inside your head. Oh, you want to go to the tavern inside my head? No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, eventually. Yeah, but let's give it like 40 episodes or so before we get to that. All right, you know what? Do you mind if we take some time and do

an email in your hat? Please, that's classic tavern. That is true. All right, here I have one. Hey, tavern gang. I started listening to the podcast just this past August, but luckily I was driving a long hours in the Yukon for work.

And have already caught up to current episodes. Yukon, do it! Sorry, I don't know why I felt the need to yell that. I owe you guys for lots of laughs and keeping me company across the great white north. And so I thought I could offer some geology advice for your current predicament. From the sounds of your last meeting with Arnor, Obsidian has become a rare and precious commodity in Foon.

That's right. User Obsidian is one of the only things that can kill a wizard and blatantly almost all of the Obsidian and food is gone. And we may have the very last remnants entirely here with my sword. Yusuzos had, and of course, Anor's balls. These little obsidian balls from Aranor. We're probably not going to use those though really really. Right? Ah, you know, we'll see. Anyway, back to the email, Obsidian has become a rare and precious commodity in food, but I know how you could get some more.

Obsidian is volcanic glass and forms when lava falls into ocean water. So if you know how to make a volcano erupt, you could have as much obsidian as you wanted. Oh, oh, I know how to make a volcano erupt, you could have as much obsidian as you wanted. Oh, oh, I know how to make a volcano erupt. Oh yeah, baby. Magma, magma-ma. Oh, why?

Here, you're talking about eruptions. I'll sexy use the door. Well, I don't know anything. I didn't, I was aware that that's how it was created. This arcane knowledge from your world may turn our world on its head. I didn't know anything. I didn't know I was a doer that that's how it was created. This arcane knowledge from your world may turn our world on its head. Bye. Hi, but I fear all the volcanoes are controlled right now by the dark modes.

We must keep this information secret. Yeah, this is quite a revelation. This is a potentially carefully constructed storyline shifting revelation. You know, I always thought that when volcanoes erupted, they made pumas. That's how pumas were born. You know, those big black cats with holes in them, real porous cats.

You know, you use one of the, you know, if you're in the shower and like your feet have like a callus, you take up pumas and you scrape it on the bottom of your foot and the cat claws off a lot of the dead skin. You know, boomas. Am I crazy? Am I crazy, boomas? You so are keeping mine.

This is his best five minutes of material. What else? What else? Anybody here from Yousador's hats? Hi, how are we? This guy knows what I'm talking about. There's a little bit more of this email. I'll quick try to get through it.

If this doesn't work, well, as we all know, geologists on earth are required by law to keep hordes of rock on hand at all times. So I have my own share of obsidian just lying around the house. I know, like a powerful weapon. From the hair growth spell debacle, we know usodore spells work across dimensions. So if he wants, I offer up my obsidian for summoning into fune. Maybe they'll be useful, maybe not, but at the very least,

Usur can have some fun new rocks to play with. Been there, brother. Thank you for the many hours of laughs and don't tell the other two Arnie, but PS, you're my favorites by far, sorry. I don't think I was supposed to read that part out loud. Sincerely, your newest Canadian fan, K. I knew it. I know those probably.

Depressed user, this is just one mixed up geologist. This is someone who spends a lot of time with rocks. They don't necessarily make the best judgment call. The guy's gonna talk to you and you'll face. Fuck you, Depressed user. Why don't you try to console you? You're the bad one. You're a fuck off.

Regular user, when you yelled at him, depressed you said, or, or depressed a door as I've been calling him, got a little bit smaller. Oh yeah, you got to keep him in check. If he grows out of control, I mean, we could ever. Ha, ha, ha, real problem. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on top of the volcano, I'm sure it will be anti-climactic. Ooh, I can't wait for that specific rim jam. Thanks a fuckin' lot, Kay. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Finally, an episode without all that bothersome, visiting talent. It's like taking your favorite meal and saying, what if I could spend an hour with just the legs of the table the meal is usually served on? All the many different usadores, kind of our spin on being John Malkovich by way of the Gilbert Gottfried School of Acting, were portrayed by Matt Young. John to the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Reffiah. Can you imagine a world with dozens and dozens of people just like Adolf? I can, it was called Improvillimpic. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Refyre.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Earwolf producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman, Special Assistance provided by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Remember to add your name to the online waiting list so you can be among the first to have the Usidor's Hat Lego playset. The first in Lego history to be designated a super extreme choking hazard. According to the National Commission on Swallowable Brick-A-Brack,

of all the choking hazards, the Usidor's Hat play set has to be the chokingest spin the wheel of fate and pre-order yours today Oh, hey, is that post credits you said or I am post credits usador master of being after the show manipulator of post-credit nonsense. What the hell is that? That's the user of the Desert Maker regular cut of the show. That's the thing. This is why you put post credits. You said, or after the credits.

Now ready for prime time. Hear love