Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 3, Ep 81 - The Wizard's Council

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

At last, the wizards convene to form a plan to defeat the Dark Lord...and celebrate six years of Hello from the Magic Tavern!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore the Blue: Matt YoungJyn'Leeviyah the Red: Felicia DayJamillious Washington the Mauve: Anthony LeBlancSpintax the Green: Charlie McCrackinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEarwolf Producer: Kimmie LucasEditor: Sage G.C.Special Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And that was Hyden's third piano sonata in D by the London Symphony Orchestra, along with Kiss the Girl and the sound of a runaway steam locomotive leveling a shoe factory. You're listening to WHMT, the only radio station that, after losing an extended intellectual property battle, plays the best classical hits. At the same time as Disney movie soundtracks, and sound effects compilations from the black and white films of the 1930s. Coming up, Brandenburg can share it on number three, played simultaneously with Into the Unknown, and Gears of a Giant Clock Tower being drenched in jam.

Stay tuned. Ugh, I am sorry you had to hear that, I double booked myself today, allowing me to shake off that tedious accent. You know, some people describe that station as virtually unlistenable. Well, boy do I have something to put that in perspective. Namely, the sixth anniversary of our humble and not-at-all-real production. And we will not disappoint.

To any greater degree than we have already disappointed in the past. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Cover! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years ago, and I know that with confidence because this is an anniversary episode. Ah, ah, ah, ah, I just arrived just in time for the podcast. I just came from the most wonderful event.

We did an escape jewel. You did an escape jewel. You- you did an escape jewel? Yes, yes me and a group of friends were all trapped inside a jewel together, and you had to solve the clues to escape. Well, but- you said we're- this is the sixth anniversary episode of this podcast. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, who cares? I was trapped inside this jewel with my friends. They were new friends because I didn't have anyone to go with me,

but I got to sign some friends, and we had to solve clues together, and they worked together, and I shouted out ideas, which they often overlooked. But I think of the long run, and it pointed them in their correct direction. Sounds like the podcast. What? In Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, hey, guess what? You know how it's our sixth anniversary? Yeah.

I just realized if you take a six and turn it upside down, and then put that next to another six, it looks like two sperm sucking each other's dick! I cannot imagine a better one minute encapsulation of everything this buy cast is. Yousseller, who are these new friends you were assigned? I was just a bunch of gnomes. I came to the escape-tool event and they said, Daria friends with you and I said no, they're not, so they just conjured some Nomes and they became my friends. Well dear listener, six years ago I fell through a dimensional portal line to Burger King

in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload six years of a podcast, chronic, when I say it like that, it sounds not great. Chronicleing six years of this podcast, trying to defeat the Dark Lord. We should do a bullet point list of everything we've accomplished in six years.

Okay. Started a podcast. Started a podcast. My arm turned to Obsidian for a while. Yes. Accidentally killed a bunch of people. Right, right, right. Blue-up hogs face.

We lived on Earth in the 1980s for a couple of weeks. That can't be right. No, it is. Okay. And that's it. That's it? Wow. Yeah, I guess that's about it.

What a run. Do we... Well, I think we do too much stuff. Yeah. I mean, the sense descents, yes. But like... Plot lies. That's a fair assessment.

I think we should be more proactive. Very soon, we shall defeat the Dark Lord. No more heavyening hoi. and that is why we're here at the Council of Wizards where we shall meet and put our minds together in the hopes that a final reckoning shall come to that evil wizard. Are you we're gonna be neck deep in Zards? It's also gonna be Zards everywhere. Hey did I ever tell you that I can actually shapeshift into a wizard?

I call myself chisored. I'm just kidding I'm tell you that I can actually shapeshift into a wizard? I call myself chiseled. I'm just kidding, that'd be too much. That would be. I don't know, I would mind seeing that. Are you wanna see chiseled? Oh sure, I mean, if I say no or I'm definitely gonna see him. Okay, let me try. Shit, just made the top of my head pointy.

And I shit, thanks Ernie. Yes, and I shit. Yes, and I shit Now that that four seconds to me was the perfect encapsulation of podcasts. Exactly. Okay, look I was hoping we could do like a really introspective six-year anniversary, but how often do these wizard councils happen, you said, or? Well, there have been different wizards, uh, meeting in the past, but this is the first official of the new wizard's guild, the form to buy. Oh, my beloved, Chenelevia. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Your pupils turn into little hearts and they're beating. Oh, yes, and it's one big huge drop of sweat, going down my forehead. Oh, no. You're so real a bit nervous. Yes, Oh, no. You're a little bit nervous. Yes, I am a little bit nervous. Um, I don't know if you've noticed. Probably not. Sometimes, Genelevi and I don't always get along.

And other times, we get along famously. Mm-hmm. And then other times, I turn into a great giant elephant. And I crash down her door, and I say, Woo! And then she turns into a gigantic squid, and we wrestle all night long. That doesn't.

Wow, the elephant in the squid, Arnie, isn't that one of your favorite Earth movies? Yes. It's not uncommon for people on Earth to have a sexual roleplay called elephant in the squid, otherwise known as doing a Jeff Daniels. Oh, that's another thing we did. We created banging buds and then so and so that picture of Ania and Chant, when Chant was

a squid. Oh, yeah. So that's another thing we accomplished? We accomplished that. Well, someone else did it, really. So you said, well, we're at this big, cool wizard event. Are we gonna need the wizards here? Yes, follow me. We'll go to the great hall right now Yeah, Arnie and I just have guest passes you have the full laminated chibing. I know mine says Arnie

Earth human and Chantier says Chant talking badger slash shape shifter Which is very convenient bit of Exposition for me just reading your badge. Yes. My badge does say that, and you just shit your pants. Oh, yes, and I shit! Look, if you're gonna hang out with a wizard, get your fucking act together. Okay, yes sir, yes sir. Use it or is it alright that I am recording at this event? Yes, nobody cares about that.

What do we care about? It's having a moment where we all use our minds and our powers to come to some great confluence of thought They will allow us to finally defeat our great enemy the dark lord So follow me to the great hall where we all shall be pretty soon here what as I first open the tomb giant As I burst open the tomb giant doors. Oh! Oh! Ha! Oh.

Whoa! What's this little green chicken? Oh, that shea- that shea- that green looks familiar. And that chicken is staring daggers at you, Isador. Little green chicken. Buk-buk-buk-, or prepare to face the wrath of Yusunor. What? Name yourself. Wait, he-

What if he already has a name? Should he rename himself? You're asking a lot of this chicken. Stop. Listen to me now, chicken. I am Yusunor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus! The Adolfs Nobius Viennialek, The Dwarves Nobius Zonenuke Stenges, and I am known in the

Northeast as Gasphenius Mastar, and loathe some fouls such as the I would surely bring death and destruction at a form you could near, I'd imagine. Oh, sorry, Yusur, the chicken has a lanyard around its neck. Its name is... Spint Axe? Whoa! That's a dumb name. Oh, sorry, Yusur or the chicken has a has a lanyard around its neck. Its name is Spin-t-ax. Whoa! That's a dumb name. Chant!

Run those two names together! Taxpin? Speed in ax? Oh my, you're so stupid. The both of yours just so Stooping and yet stupid in subtly different ways. That's what I like about us. It's spin-tax, my old frenemy. Whoa! I forgot you my old frenemy. Whoa, I forgot you were frenemy with a chicken.

No, it's not a- Whoa, the chicken is laid a- a hand that's giving a middle finger. Okay, wow. That's wild, and so cool. Spin-tax is the coolest. It's not cool. Spin-tax, spin-tax. Alright, I've never seen somebody do that.

That's the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen. I don't know if this chicken has actually spin-tax or if you just put a fucking chicken in here to make me look like an idiot. Look behind your dip, shit! God damn it! You. Give me back my lanyard chicken.

Thanks for holding it, bud. You trust a chicken each yourself to make me look like a fool? No, I used it as a hook to hold my lanyard. Oh, the old chicken hook. You got magic, man. Why did you just put your bad chicken? I don't know.

It wasn't doing anything. I like to make the chicken feel useful. What are you guys doing here? You're not wizards. Well, they're here as my two guests, and my very important guests on this quest that we're all on together to defeat evil in all of its forms. And I didn't know we had plus ones for this.

I could have bought some buds. Oh, I bought some buds when I was doing the escape jewel It's just two pieces of gold for each know. Oh really? Yeah, I've got plenty of gold You have plenty of gold. I thought you were trapped on earth. I've been here for a year a year I've been back in fune for a year Yeah, now you just got a bunch of a bunch of gold again. How did you do that? I've just been sort of going over the places where I've already been before and getting all the coins that I missed before I remember every time I saw a gold coin and I went back to those same sort of levels and found them again and I've collected them all You're a completist. We should do that more often and I'm saying guys. We should also do more speedruns

speedruns. Yeah Runs. Yeah, I don't think you're gonna get on you to do a run at all Speed runs. Yeah, runs. Yeah, I don't think you're gonna get Ani's to do a run at all. Maybe it, maybe like a slow crawl. Yeah, maybe Chant, if you turned into a horse, you could take him along. Oh, good idea.

I hear the greatest spin-tax. Spin-tax is good to see you. It's been a while. I still need to catch up on your spin-off that, which is why I didn't know that you were back in phone. Yes, it was a success. I used my podcast, which apparently was the best. I believe it was the best podcast ever made.

Hmm. They haven't asked me to make more, so apparently it was completed. It was done. I haven't heard anything more about it, and it was so valuable that they erected a paywall around it, so that no one could get to it unless they had proven themselves of equal value to my podcast. Well, it seems like I'm worthy investment of your time and money. It's like sometimes the most precious and powerful weapons are placed in a dungeon deep at the bottom of the world, so that only the most dedicated listener can get to it. Yeah, that's how it felt. So now you're here, and I suppose you have some hair- hair brain scheme that thinks you're going to help defeat the Dark Lord because I am here to tell you.

I have found an artifact, an artifact that the Dark Lord desperately desired. So you've got the hair brain scheme covered. Great. No, I didn't bring one. I'm just here to hang out. Oh. I'm taking this more like a reunion. Great. Well, what have you done so far? You having fun? No, I didn't bring one. I'm just here to hang out. Oh! I'm taking this more like a reunion. Great. Well, what have you done so far? You having fun?

Yeah, I gave my lanyard to this chicken, and I went and used the bathroom. I had a couple of drinks. Oh, all right. Well, speaking of drinks, is there anyone here who can bring us some drinks? Yes, you, boy. I see you there, McHwanah. What's up? Six Flaggans Avail. Six Flaggans. You boy I see you there McWarner Six fluggins avail okay six luggins makes me think of my grandpa He was a bald man in a tuxedo who danced real wild

Ever told you guys about my grandpa Fake Tell me more about your grandpa just a real slender man terrifying to the cold We used to call him crazy legs. He always danced to the same song But I can't care. I'll call quite how it goes. Yeah, I've written out. You know what? I do remember him I met him once and I thought he looks like an old man But I don't think he's an old man. Yeah, he liked a party. He he liked a party I remember when I met him. I'm like, oh, I hate this and yet later I was like

Maybe I like it. I'm like, oh, I hate this. And yet later I was like, maybe I like it. Maybe I like that guy. This is fucking bad. Yes, six flagons, six flagons right here. There you go. There's one for you, Spintax. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

And one for the chicken. One for the chicken, two for myself. Which Spintax, we never learned. What's his chicken's name? Oh, his name is Cluck-U. Cluck-U. Yeah. Hey, buddy. I mean,uck you. Cluck you. Yeah. Hey, buddy.

I mean, I guess he doesn't talk. He's not a magic chicken. He's just green. Oh, I think I was confused when he shot out a middle-fingered hand. Oh, that was me. I put that in there before I left. You put it in there? Oh, no. Yeah, just in case. You want one?

It's like putting a fignata back together. I'll give one to you, trivia. If you'd like, tell us how it's all right. Tell us how it's all right. Check it out, boys. Oh, that. Here, time out. I just saw the spread over there.

Look at that rack of ribs. Ooh, I'm hungry for a rack of ribs. Raise your two, it! Yes, here we go. It was up, guys. Jimenez, hey you, what's up? Oh, hello, awning. Hello, chunt.

Spin-tax. Oh, that'll not work. Oh, no, no, no, bird. I like to regurgitate my innards to people I love. And I'm a nasty freak. I'm just here, making this wonderful feast for everybody. It's with a conjure up a couple of spreads. Go ahead and take whatever you want. Make some more if you need some. Yeah, thank you.

It looks delicious. The master of feast and famine at his best, bringing a feast here for the wizards to enjoy how I am so proud of the and glad to have the amongst my friends. Always, always, man. Those are the coming to the barbecue. You know, maybe kind of a barbecue slash, pick, next slash, you know, wizards gathering, you know, and me.

I roasted some baby penguins. They'll be coming out on spit soon. I didn't want to just leave all of it to Jimelius. He is so incredibly talented. But for me, I like to vary the diet. I want to appeal to all tastes, except for usador. Oh, so it was a potlot thing. I was just a...

Mm. Spin-tax, come over here and fridge kiss me. Stick your three tongues down my throat again. Ah! Ah! That third tongue did not come from where I expected it to. Stick your three tongues down my throat again. I'm a real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real you take up a person and then you just almost connect, but then you want to upset each other on fire. And then there's also a Clevelandia steamer. Mm-hmm.

That's when you go into a dry sauna with a friend and you take a shit. Uh-oh, yeah. Much cooler than dockin', you know what I mean? Oh, for sure. Absolutely. I love the music of dockin'. Such a loop player, just crazy on thein, you know what I mean? It's like, for sure. Absolutely. I love the music of Dockin. Such a loop player, just crazy on the loop, you know?

Up and down that fingerboard, my goodness. So good. We also have a thing called finger boarding. It's when somebody puts a bag over somebody else's head and puts their fingers on top of their forehead and it makes them feel like they're having sex. Okay. Oni, what other sex things do you want to know about?

I mean, here's the thing, when it comes to sex, I don't know what I don't know if you know what I mean. You know what guys, I might circle around a little bit. What milk tea welches around? Spin tags, we just got it. Look, I was just gonna say Spin tags, Genleivia, Jamilis, and I will include you, Sodor. And you're like my favorite wizards. I just want to hang out and catch up with you. You know, I know there are so many wizards here, but let's make a pact not to talk to any other wizards. At least for the next hour. Why would we, why would we commit to this conversation for an hour? I mean, it's, it can't go up from here and it's really at about a two right now. I don't mind hanging out with this story. You know, I think, you know, I think,

you know, he's my, you know, my captain, my general, you know, so I got to do whatever he's doing, you know, at least for, you know, a good three to four quarters. Yes! Just dock him while you're at it, Jamilius, my goodness. Look, look, look, look. I happen to care about the people that care about me, you know what I mean? I look out for minds, you know what I mean? Well, I like to care about the people who care about me, but they don't care about me when they're not meeting me on the astroplane all the time, and therefore I have to make out with everybody they know

just to make them jealous and they're not even doing anything right now about it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to that astroplane. You see, I have a very important mission now. I have to protect Arnie. That's what I came here to the great hall to tell you. Arnie? Is that a new woman in your life? Come here. Jamelius, come here. Here's my towel. Arnie. Arnie. in your life? Come here! Jamelius, come here! Here's my top! Ow! Ow! No, Arnie, Arnold, kneecap, the earth human, that we all tolerate.

Hey, he may be the most important person in all of the world. I may be the most important person in food. I just wanted to reiterate that. Yeah, it's just... And my belly button might be literally the start of humanity. Yeah, that's probably right. That even makes sense. No, that's probably right. And my belly button might be literally the start of humanity. Yeah, that's probably right. That even makes sense. No, that's probably right.

It probably, I'm pretty sure you guys didn't see it. Yeah, I heard that with the truth. That's why we smell of this. That's lit, exactly. 40 days of lit. Three comes from there as well. We have been looking for these artifacts that the Dark Lord wanted so he could prevent the true death. And one of those artifacts is inside

Arnie's head Crack it open! Break it open! Everybody, let's do a pin grubby little fingers inside his head. But then I realized you would kill him. And he's my friend. So I swore to protect him at all costs. It's great. It's really great.

That's totally worth dumping me for months on it. Thank you. Can we just not... I mean, there has to be... What is in there? How do you even know what's in there? I try to look in, you know, I could see is that everybody's minds for like a good like five minutes. My diamond spell and I couldn't look in his mind. It was ridiculous. It's like there's nothing in there. It was like, does it still trap? Yeah. Well, could we trade pat him?

You know, just cut a little hole in the top and just pee around. Be warned though, Arnie, if that hole does happen, all the demons that you're trying to keep in your head will get out. Oh. You may get the artifact, but you lose all your head demons. My head demons, maybe that's what makes me so talented. No. Look, Chantanani came here with me today because we wanted to bring our minds together

and our great powers so that we could finally come up with a plan to defeat the Dark Lord. So what do you been doing? What are you working on? I've been working on making all new children born titans, multi-armed titans, and they were burst forth from the wounds of every female on this planet, killing all of them instantly, but then trampling the rest of all species with their large legs. It's a work in progress. Am I understanding correctly? It sounds like that would kill all the women and all the animals?

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, there are no bad ideas here, there are no bad ideas. I love this. Imagine there were a race of titans, so large and so multi-limbed that they could then take on all the forces of evil. I love it. Let's spitball here. Yeah, and maybe there could be different kinds of titans. Like they could have like one could be like a giant monkey beast.

Yeah, another one could like have like an outer shell that's like super hard. You know, one could like, produce steam from its body. I like that, I like that. One could be from the depths of the sea and then they could maybe fight that turtle person and then they could spin toward each other and you know, it would look like people

who are inside them walking very awkwardly and then rawr! It would be quite the spectacle, but not? I know I'm just a shapeshifter and not a wizard everyone, but what you're describing sounds like teenagers and not babies. Mm. Oh.

Oh, well, they get there eventually. Somebody just have to change the diaper of 10 million titans until they're about 15 years old. What's the problem with that? The excrement would be phenomenal, and we might be able to grow some berries. I don't know about the smell when those teen Titans go. You know what I mean?

And they're diapers. All right, somebody else throw something else out. I'm gonna eat it all of Derv. Well, I'm trying to come up with the ultimate spell. That it doesn't seem like a spell, but it's almost like a recipe. And when you say it, people don't understand what exactly you're cooking up. But you cook it.

And when you cook it, and you take it, it gets your mind right. But then everybody's like, what are you actually saying? What do you chirp in all the time? Did I kind of hide what exactly you're trying to make? What you're mixing up? What you mix it, and you mix it what are you actually saying? Like, what, like, you chirping all the time, you know, to kind of hide what exactly you're trying to make, what you're mixing up, what you mix it, and you mix it, and you mix it, and you mix it, you know, and then at the end, you know, you just wind up,

I call it the ultimate spell trap. So it's like a trap spell. You're so brilliant. I love this idea. And this trap spell would contain the Dark Lord? Absolutely. When you get some side of it, you know, it kind of just puts them into a weird place where you can't get out.

He's like stuck inside of this one space, not knowing what time and space is. Oh, like an escape jewel. Like an escape jewel, except it's, if you get caught with it, you might get put in jail. You know, disproportionately than the other people. But you know, you still want to get put in jail, you know, just proportionally, then, you know, than other people, you know, but you know, you still want to get put in jail if you happen to have it,

depending on how much you got on you. Just for the sake of argument, can these trap drills be used recreationally? Yeah, you can, but it's a, you know, it sometimes leads to other spells, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I see. Like, what are some of the more dangerous,

I'm assuming more dangerous, but what kind of spells can it lead to? I mean can get one up in some you know real you're oids You know the moids are real hard. You know what I mean? Oh the oids my god Yeah, if you get in one of those oids forget getting out and forget getting having smooth skin afterwards You know what I mean? Oh boy as a general rule, I avoid the oids. Yeah, you gotta hem those hot roids, you know? Hem them. Oids, eh? So, Awan, you generally avoid the oids,

but if you don't avoid an oid, is that set off some sort of domino effect? Yeah, yeah. And could lead to the worst thing of all. Which is? Eating dominoes. Oh, no I have news for you from Earth Arnie. Yeah, dominoes has reformulated their pizzas. What they're amazing now Wait, what they're really good. How dare you spin text? It's the truth the owner of the company went on TV

He said our pizzas are shit and we're gonna make better pizzas and they did it. They made a plan. The syntax I'm tired of you pro-lestecizing for this domino cult that you're trying to franchise here, it's ridiculous, this mythology of the better crust, the thicker cheese, I told you I didn't want to hear anymore about it. It's not a cult, it's just a collective of people

that have the same value. The sense of the syntax, you have to use your hands to make food, something's just a collective of people that have the same values. The same spentxies. You have to use your hands to make food, something's wrong with it. Good point. I just want to go on the record and say I agree with you, Mellus. If your pizza isn't brain-tossed, crust, I don't want to eat it. See, there's a franchise opportunity. Can I get it on them? They're absolutely is? Yes!

Yeah, let's talk later. Let's talk, of course. Oh, hey, look. Oh, Arnie, I just saw the saddest thing in the world. What? Over by the coats is Kahn. We'll never hear from him to be sure, but he's so lonely. Why is he standing over by those coats?

I don't see a lanyard around his neck. Everyone, let's conjure some more coats to cover him up. Arach, Taroff, Tarol-Caugh! No, Dekal! Rela-la! Buna-la-la! You just got crushed by 8,000 pounds of coats of armor. Oh, that's too bad.

Oh no, we should have, you know, we should have, but we should have Eunice, the accrue come and maybe knit him a shroud or something. He can't die under there. I am afraid that he might get a little chilly. She's very into Mac Remailletly, her boy, and she loves to tell you about it. So she might be able to come over here and conjure up something.

Oh, I think she could, but I think she's on the rafting trip today. At least when I talked to her earlier. Well, you were talking to her. Why were you talking to her? Why were you talking to her? You said, I think we have to talk. We have to talk. I have literally had intercourse with everybody here

at this party, and you still have no ask me how I am. And it's a very least. You could ask me during tantric yoga during any of the activities we had this weekend, anything. And yet, you have no, it's complete apathy. I literally have, I will put my tongue up of all of Spentax's 18 buttholes and yet you don't even see the care watch Go go

I Lost count, but I am satisfied. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. You just seem so busy Yeah, I thought I thought you were having a good time and I was trying to give you your space because I know you don't like to be, uh, define things or to be held in a box, you know. Uh, I-I just try to respect your time in your space and it seemed like you were busy, so that's-

Your-your respect is disrespectful. Oh. I could have used some help with the cage dancers. I locked all those nomes in the cages. They're about to come down. We're going to burn them to death. And it's such a very nice, it's going to be such a nice display of just revelry and laughter.

And you know, it would have been nice for you to even be there to observe my, I don't know, my performance and all my planning and, I don't know, just to maybe a little cuddle. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. Let me conjure for you a perfect tulip. This is really beautiful.

You're welcome. It looks like my tulips upstairs and downstairs. That's a fucking three lip arny. It's not perfect, it's not the real lip. Chuk chuk chuk. It's adequate. I mean, I haven't looked downstairs lately. I really don't shave down there anymore. You know that.

Yeah. And I don't think anyone else knows that, but I just told you. I think we are. Clearly everybody cares about that now. Yeah, okay. Right. Yeah, we can see the landing strip even through your robes. Wow, really? Well, that's what I get for wearing a sea-through white robe and having such dark, curly, bush-like, pubic hair. You know, I actually, sometimes I shave it into the shape of a badger just to make you sit or go, when he comes and visits me. You never tell me about that, you jealous ass. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a moment I should share with my friends.

But, you know, if you'd like me to, Jin leave you, I'd be happy to tell all my friends about our sexual exploits. Oh my goodness, when you popped all those popcorns everywhere on me, and then the salami I'd be happy to tell all my friends about our sexual exploits. Oh my goodness, would you pop to all those popcorns everywhere? Army, and then the salami and the baloney? Oh my goodness, that was something else. Oh, and then I let the butter warm up to room temperature. Before I mixed it with the sugar so that it could form a consistent paste.

Oh my god, and then the snow cone, the snow cone, and the bottom of my air was so goosepimbley. I couldn't even, I could cone, the bottom of my air was so goosepimbley. I couldn't even, I couldn't bear in the sweetness of the, of the lime crush underneath my ear, just dripping down. Uh, spin-tax, uh, Jameleus, John come with me, I think they seem a little preoccupied. Are we gonna go get high? Sure. Yeah. What do you get? Although, I don't know what you got, I'm ready for. Already you can still get pregnant from preoccupied. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr.

Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm halfway through it. So, spin-tax and gimmilions, do you know what sex is? Oh, yeah, I get down, man. I get down all the time. Of course. I have it a lot. I have it with, specifically with couples. Right before you said that, I was gonna say, this is like a conversation I had all the time

in junior high, but that last part not so much. Yeah, and I'm just open to all people, you know, I don't like the front relationships, you know what I mean? I've been trapped inside a structure. I specifically am attracted to other people's relationships. Jamilson, even last time we talked to you, I think you were interested in some crabs. Yeah, yeah, I get down with some crustaceans, you know, crustaceans, you know, I'm,

I'm all, I do everybody, you know what I mean? I don't really look the container, you know, it's more with something inside. That's what I'maceans, you know, crustaceans. You know, I'm all, I do everybody, you know what I mean? I don't really like the container, you know, it's more like something inside. That's what I'm all about, you know. Gotta crack that open, get up in there, get them juices. Great, now I went pantospeed, so. But you know, like sometimes, wizards can connect on this different level, you know?

Well, like anything can become an exchange of power, of connection. It's almost like the Wizards' bodies be talking to each other. And in the end, when your body calls, you gotta make sure that you hear it. Because there's ain't nothing wrong when you let that body tell you what to do.

So we call it referred to it as the push and pull. Really get in there, you gotta push it, and you gotta push the push and pull really get in there, you know, you got to push it You got to push it real good, you know when you get in there, you know Push and pull is the instructions. I give the couples I have sex with So how I hate that I'm asking this walk me through this a little bit like Instruction we're back. We're back. We're back. He Keep your mind and go eat so far. It just bounced right back I mean just so far. It's like I was taffy. It was taffy then go eat it. Oh, I hate to give all the details But it was stretched

If it stuck to the wall, you know it's done It's exactly spitty. John is it possible that we don't know what sex is? I don't know man or maybe your concept of sex is just too limited, you know? I'm very willing to believe that's true. Ha ha ha. Oh, Aani, we had such a wonderful time, but I fear that Geneva and I need a short break so that we can recover and come back,

uh, ready to speak. Although, ways we can defeat the forces of evil. Is it all right if we take a quick break? Use the door, this is your show. This is the wizard thing. I tried to make it a six anniversary thing, but the second half, all wizards all the time. What do you think? Uh, well I thought last week was my show and all wizards all the time, but alright. No, last week was Ups all wizards. This is all wizards all the time.

Oh okay, alright. Is next week I can't believe it's all wizards. Oh look Arnie, the chicken is walking up to the microphone. I think it wants to take us to break. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m- Now that we are back, we shall begin the Wizards' council and earnest. Hello, on hello from the Magic Taven. Here now the convergence of the greatest wizards of our age. Here brought together so that they may overcome the forces of evil and all of their greatness. I, Yusador, Wizard of the Twelve Throne of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trakis, known to the

elves as Fyingalok, known to the dwarves as Zonin and Huk Stenges, and known in the North East as Gaspwinius Mastar, I hereby pledge mine staff, and my obsidian sword, Yusodor's hand, to defeating all forms of evil. Even for the bakers who know me as Biscuit Miniscus, even for the gamblers of Choroth, who know me as Johann Sebastian Baccarach, and even for the vampires who know me as Antony Don Walker. That was... That was... No, you don't have to.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just had this impulse on... When he said my staff, I wanted to be like, in my acts, but I don't have an act anymore. I have this limp piece of what is it we? I can't remember. Yeah, I know. We're like observers here. We're outsiders. I tend to like to err on the side of doing too little

than accidentally doing too much. Oh, Jimelles is going, oh. Yeah, I wanted to clear myself. Jimelius Washington, you know, bring a feast in famine, master the great plantation, shout out to the tranquil trade winds. The jewels know me as that do. You winds, the drawers know me as that do, Elves know me as always holding,

Vampires know me as, I queen to be, the chief folk know me as, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and as always, knowing the far south as, boi! I wanna make sure that everybody knows that I pledge my spell book, my diamond spells,

my gold spells, my platinum spells, my gold spells, my platinum spells, my inside out wizard robes, always to make sure that we don't get just three championships. We do that three more times for three P, three P, three P. Always slamming, always taking it a whole, always making sure that we always slamming down the dark Lord.

Make sure that he always knows who's gunned this house. It is. Who's house? Wizard's house. Who's house? Wizard's house. Where's the house? Oh, Jimel, if you are so rousing in all areas,

really beautiful. That was great. Jimel, what was that sound? It was like, quick, quick, quick. Well, can you do that again? Skirt. Whoa, jump. You sir, can you record that? So anytime like, big quack, quack, quack, quack, well can you do that again? Skirt, whoop, jump! You sir, you sir, can you record that?

So anytime we lock up our horses, it makes that sound. Scoop, whoop, jump! Yeah, like we just press a button and it locks up our horses with that sound. Yeah, no problem, got it. That reminds me, Chondit, we lock up Bunker Johnson and Flont.

We got him, for a call. It's the middle of it. I'm so sorry, yes, we're just pretend we're not here. I am Jin Livia, Wizard of the Sixth World of Ephesians, Mistress of Nature and Nurture, Revive of the Springs of Goldmunket. See how the prophecies of the Tenth-Eed Mists, Keepa of the Sacred Chome of J. Fral, and Tim Time, Wizard of Choice and Ward of Nominie. The elves, Nomias, Paraman, Sorcery, the Vamp's sorcery. The vampire's know me as Beyonce bloodlust.

The tree folk know me as Opal Vine which should upon the eye of Mika's I have known as Quasasepita. Ask me in my other names I shall gladly show you, but I don't want to take up valuable air time. I do have other names. I have them. I have them. Someone called me Lady. Are they oh and I don't know who have them. I have them. Someone called me Lady.

Are they oh, and I don't know who that was. It was like, I have other names. Just shut up about it, I'll get more. Use it or use it or. Remember, a few, like a month or so back when you're thinking about maybe giving one of your secret names to Genelevia, and we kind of try to talk you out of it

because it seems a little weird to like, hey, I'm a man, let me give you my name. But she is saying, she's kind of suggesting she doesn't have as many names as she would like. And you've got a lot of bullshit ones you should get rid of. This is your moment right now, man, is it? So we talk about it. Get up there, not up.

But there's someone who gave her a name. That guy we kicked out, that nutty professor, that called her lady. Well, what are you guys talking about? You're talking about a very stage whisper. Good thing I have low level healing loss. Gin leave you out. Yes. I offer you a gift.

If you accept it, if you deny it, then I know feeling shall be hurt. But I do beg of thee. Except this boon from me. What's to thou, except what of mine, secret names? I love you, Siddore. I love you, Siddore. Actually, I would love that one. Okay, thank you so much. This is really lovely. We are joined as one, except I'm taking something from you and not give you anything. This is wonderful. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay that one. Okay, thank you so much. This is really lovely. We are joined as one, except I'm taking something from you and not give you anything. This is wonderful. Okay. Okay.

Damn, what do we call you now? Like Derek or Jeff? Well, you could always call me Peepee Poo. Remember Peepee Poo? Or Dale's sprinkle sleeves? No, it's gonna be Derek. No, I'm not. Wait, wait, I can't, I can't take you, Siddore.

What will I scream out loud when we are intercoursing with flan and all sorts of perfitterals when you're popping them inside me everywhere up and down? Oh, you have a little scream out? Yeah, I know. Have you considered screaming out pee-pee-pooh? Pee-pee-pooh! No, there's just doesn't you considered screaming out Peepie-Poo? Peepie-Poo! No, there's just doesn't. Doesn't really, yeah.

So I gift you back, you sit-wha-what other-what other-what other-what do you have to offer? How about baggled me fingies? Haggled me fingies. Who gave you that name? I think Ony did. Well, maybe Trun? I don't want your cast-offs from your- Okay, all right.

Let him ask friends. No, no. Okay, well the rainbow sprites know me a cyan man's a thunder crust rainbow sprites Yeah, I think I think I killed all their children last week. It was it was like a it was a special neck cream I needed so I don't know if the genocide of their next generation would be really appropriate so you said a while you think about this I feel like spin-tax has been clearing his throat for. Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry spin-tax, I'm so sorry. And the tapping my foot. Yes. Is this done yet? I'm ready to go. Now, fair warning, my time on earth has changed me. I've been workshopping a new intro. Oh, no.

Here we go. Who's the green magic boon that's a hex machine to all of Foon? Spin-tax. that's damn right. Who's the shaman that lets you pay on an installment plan? Spin-tax, I command thee to dig it! Who's the mage who's been to Earth had the only podcast which no merch? Spin-tax, right on! Spin-tax is one bad mother and father, I better shut my mouth.

Lives in a multi-faceted jam, and lets nobody in, but his lover's John Spin-tax. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-da- That was incredible. Yeah. Thanks, I made that up all on my own. God. Wow, Arnie, Earth Wizard introductions are so much more catchy. Yeah. It's like a rhythm to them. I'm going to give you a butthole work around for that one. That was wonderful. Get ready. Ready? Go.

Go. Go. Go. Hey, that was hot. That was a maze for tat. Wow. Oh, yeah, they get in there. Oh, that's cool.

She went in the other direction this time. That's it. Thanks, can you leave me? Anybody else see those little gophers direction this time. You have that thing, so you can leave him. Anybody else see those little gophers in this but whole pop out of Roan's line? Yeah, knock him down. She's knocking him down. Yeah, grab a mallet. Everybody join in. It's a fun game. It's a fun game, really.

Wack a hole. Well, now that all of the visits in the room have announced the sounds. Hold on. Hold on. Yep. Let me grab the mic for a second. Sorry, I'll be right back. Da-da da da da da da da da da da da. Shut your... Hey, can.

Sorry, we can't start the... Okay, funny. We can't start the council until you've done your intro if you can. I'm gonna rush. All right, thanks. Okay, everyone's a con for sorry guys, I'm back. I'm back. I'm gonna hide the doctor, shit, I'm fucked up.

That was my chance. Now that everyone has announced themselves, it is time. Oh and I'm Arnie. I'm Arnie. I'm sorry. All the wizards have announced themselves. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, fuck.

It is a time that we can't have. Pretend I'm not here. Yeah, I was. Okay. It is a time. And also Chent. Yeah. Pretend Chent.

I mean, I don't want to speak for you, Chent, but I do was. Okay. It is a time. And also Chent, yeah. Pretend, I mean, I don't wanna speak for you Chent, but I can do. Hello. It's okay if they pretend you're not here too. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, you're talking about, okay. Sorry, okay. Now that all the wizards have announced themselves

and the earth humans and the shifters. You said, are you mad at us? I hope we're not, we just wanna say say I hope we're, I'm just, we're just going to go blue. We're going to go down embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. No, I got this. We're good.

I thought I was going to fix it, but I think I made it. I think I made it. I think I made it. I think I made it. I think I made it. Oh, here's what we do. Here's what we'll do. We're going to come up with a plan organically to defeat the dark lord,

one word at a time. So starting with Jermilus and then use the door and then Jin leave you and then spin tax. We'll just keep going in that order, one word at a time coming up with an idea organically and don't over think that this should be fun. What? Cut a bullshit is this?

That's more than one word. Well, I take a talking stick and I just beat you to death with it's small rodent. That's a talking stick, it might be a shape shifter. Oh, okay,. Well, I take a talking stick and I just beat you to death with its small rodent. That's a talking stick. It might be a shapeshifter. Oh, okay. All right, I'm in. All right, I turn. All right. Um, we... Destroy! Elves!

Tomorrow! And... Create! Battles! Hmm, tomorrow! And... Create... Butthole! Later! So... We... Can!

Shut up! And scene, great job everyone! Great! Now the ice is broken! now you should or you were saying. Now that all the wizards have gathered and announced their intent, now we must commit ourselves to a plan where we can combine our forces. I am here to tell you that not only do I have this artifact, but I may have the last remnants of obsidian in all of you. What? What? You brought obsidian here?

How would you put obsidian here? That is our early, man. This sword is cool. Oh, that's a big sword. This sword is made of obsidian. Oh, my friend, Annie, for a while. You just cut my finger off. No, sorry, sorry.

The knife's not gonna come back. It's not gonna rise. It's not been growing. Okay, okay, I'll just start. I'll put it back, I can't. That's what I thought. No, it, okay, I'll just start I put it back right here I know it's picking finger put it up way Oh man, you you know, you know, fuck up now, man Does this mean for all of time when we see Jen Levy again? She's gonna have lots of boogers up those notes because you can't

Do anything? I'm just gonna take the cut off finger and I'll use that to scrape them out Okay, I'm putting it in my pocket, but you better not bring that sort out again. I'm so so sorry But I I so it in my pocket, but you better not bring that sword out again. I'm so sorry, but I sword, you should always hand. Is the very thing we need to kill the Dark Lord? He doesn't have any obsidian at all. But most of he's been destroying it so that we can't kill him. But I managed to hold on to some. How did you get that obsidian?

How are you able to even carry it around without just impaling yourself and killing yourself? Well, it's here in a special scapegoat that we forged for it. And, you know, a few months ago, you know, drip fang of the Necromancer, stabbed Arnie with the sword. I was trapped inside of Arnie for a while. Arnie almost died. But then, somehow, when we went back in time to the 1980s and to the planet Earth and lived there for a short time Arnie almost died. But then, somehow, when we went back in time to the 1980s and to the planet Earth and lived there for a short time, when we came back, the sword was just gone.

I mean, gone from Arnie and it was just slaying on the ground. Yeah. That's convenient for horrible stories. And sorry, I don't mean to, I don't want to disrupt this at all, but I have, you know, a user has a sword made of obsidian. I have a dagger made of Ethereum. Now, but I have, you know, Yusur has a sort made of obsidian. I have a dagger made of Ethereum.

Now, what I'm doing right now is I'm taking investors. If anybody wants to invest in this dagger of Ethereum, I think you're going to be happy in the future. Now, what is a dagger of Ethereum you're asking? Yes, I have. Let me tell you. Now, you know how regular daggers, you know, you stab, and you, you, you, you break, a dagger of Ethereum, you don't really see it, right? So you see I'm just holding a health with no blade, right?

So you don't really see it, but you know, if you want to kill someone, it's kind of a transaction That doesn't really, you know, it's it's volatile. It's a very volatile blade But it's put all your money on the table here. Here's all my money All right, all right, all right. I have 52 gold pieces. Okay, thank you. Anybody else? Spentax, you went on this? I don't want to part with my gold.

I'm telling you, this is safer. This is safer than gold. It could 10X in the next week. Who knows? 10X. I'm in. Here's my infinity gold. And they don't show off spin-tax.

I'm not ashamed to be rich What about that money you brought back from earth with that individual with the monocle and the top hat I thought those were even more valuable than gold. Yeah, well you bought it you buy it you get you get to keep that money Oh, well, I bought it so I'll put down $400 these bright bright yellow dollars. Oh They're 500 on each of them. See the monochrome individual? Wow.

This is very precious. And speaking of Spintax, I'd like to leave you saying, I don't know if this is true or not, sir, but I heard a rumor that you went to jail directly to jail. I was just visiting. That's a lot of work. All right. Oh, then, sorry, this is a terrible community.

I'm sorry. That's right, it's a terrible neighborhood. Was this before or after you won that beauty pageant? I did win it. You know what I got? What? 15 bucks. 15 bucks? That's it. Yeah. For a beauty contest. And then when I was elected

President of the board, I had to pay everybody five dollars. Strange world that earth. They have so many rules. I didn't, I'm back to the matter at hand. You should or I demand you destroy that obsidian sword, right? Hey everybody, five dollars! Strange world that Earth. They have so many rules. I'm back to the matter at hand. You should or I'd demand you destroy that obsidian sword right now! Yeah. Well he would know sooner to destroy that obsidian sword than we'd ask you, Spentax, to destroy that little metal dog that's been on your shoulder. I don't care about this fucking thing!

Call us on this thing! Or that little metal hat you've been wearing, that you aren't pulling off. This was given to me as a gift. He's not getting rid of the eye or less for sure. It's impresses my specials very, very dust veiled beautifully. Now, I don't think it would be wise to destroy the sword just that this juncture... Because then we're giving the Dark Lord exactly what he wants. But then he also can't be killed. Yes, we are in danger while this sword is here

And yes, I am probably the least responsible person to be holding it and yes It's a little weird to bring a weapon into this event like it's the only thing that could kill everybody Oh, no, why we all brought weapons oh? Of course I Kill everybody to second I could consider it this whole place and I am my dagger of a theorem Oh shit all the money's gone. We lost it. Sorry guys ready my god I'm in some you lose some listen. I don't understand the logic here you said all you come in here with your sword and your special Artifact inside the dim bulb friends brain. That's right and And then you say, oh, what's the plan?

Will you clearly have the plan? You have all the tools. Are you just here to gloat? Or are you actually what doesn't do anything? I do. I do. I, my plan is that all of the wizards work together to form a distraction. The three of you can lead massive armies,

bring together groups of adventurers and attack the dark lord straight on. Meanwhile, the three of us will sneak around, unseen by him. This will be so distracted by your onslaught that I will be able to close enough to him with the sword. The problem is I can't get close enough to him. Every time I try to disappear to an appear where he is, he's whole castle disappears, I'm reappear somewhere else. So you're we essentially should be your red robes. So we'll put all of our red robes on and we'll go and we'll attack in an infantile, stupid manner while you actually

go through the real work. Is that the plan here? Well, that was just my idea. That's why I wanted to spit ball it. I wanna hear whatever, what else do I do? You sure if the three of y'all go around, you're gonna want to, it's not gonna be as good as you think it's gonna be. You're gonna wind up like, run out of food and like fighting each other.

And like, one of you probably wind up getting attacked by a giant spider. You turn around and maybe try and leave. And then it's gonna be like, why'd you try and walk all the way up there? You just got there, you know, fly up there, you know what I mean? Also, I can guarantee that my doubt is so great in the three of you that I would turn my armies on Geneva and Jamilis and align myself with the dark lord in order to come out ahead.

Well, that's a very short term way of thinking. And, Jimilius, yes, yes, I've seen Chant speaking to himself in a pool of water, reflecting water, and and having arguments with himself. But that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to turn on us. No, they don't know about you. Yes, I'm your extra buttole. Shh buttole, be quiet. You've been hidden in my fur for a while. Now, you must show them the buttole. No, no, no be quiet. You've been hidden in my fur for so-

Now you must show them the buttole. No, no, no. Alright, so you don't want to help. I hear what you're saying. If you don't want to help, that's fine. I have other friends. I have those nomes I paid for. CAN!

CAN! Get over here! No! We'll show them. Don't you dare. I don't idea. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- Yeah. Um, canificent do spring, master of space and time. Hell, we already started something. That's full of the can falls.

The giants did know me as Candle Roy. The giants do know me as can I get a walk out? Somebody want to drink while they're doing this. The giants will know me as canalingus if you know what I am. We know you as can you shut the fuck up. M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M- Fuck you off! Fuck you off! Wait, I want to hear what that means. Awwww. Suckers can suck! Ha ha ha ha! That's the second time I've heard that in this month.

Well, this is a total bust. I thought I was going to come in here with this information and you guys would die, you know, rally around me. What information? You ignore me. You come in with a plan that makes you the hero and us the idiots. And there's nothing in it for us. You didn't even give me one of your names. Well, Jen Levy, do you want to be Stinkle Feather Whizzlebeard? No.

How about Papa Mice. Tempting. Dick Bisk. Dick Bisk. Yeah. All right. You're just making things up at this point. Goddass is.

I wish I was. Oh. Well, we should take a vote. I'm sorry to be just putting myself in the 4 here, but Jamilius and Spentax, what do you think about this plan? I think personally, you didn't consult us, right? We could come up with a 3-point plan, but in the end, you've got a 1-point plan.

And you have to have 3. You taught me that. You're Phillyus Jacksonius, man. You've got to have 3 points to every plan. You're right. Yes, we need a pyramid scheme. So what I'm hearing is the best plan we've come up with yet is kill the elves today and create more buttholes tomorrow.

I think it was kill the elves tomorrow, was the plan. Oh, and create more buttholes today. Mm-hmm. I have also a plan to defeat the Dark Lord. Wonderful, let's hear it. The four of us wizards unite. I will lead us through the Mirror Realms to the Dark Lord's stronghold,

where we will disengage from the Mirror Realms and be in his presence. Right? You'll bring the obsidian sword, and then you'll be able to attack him. But right when we get there, we'll find out I'm the Dark Lord. Hmm. How about that? That'll be a good twist, right? And then you'll be like, oh no, you're my old friend, how could you be the Dark Lord that doesn't

make sense? And then we can take some time away to sort of figure out how I was the Dark Lord the whole time. Have you been scrolling on Wat Pad lately, Spin Tax? My goodness. I think this is solid, I think this is a good plan. Wait, Spin Taxtax, are you are you trying to tell us you are the dark Lord? No, I'm pitching it. I'm pitching maybe on the dark Lord. Okay. It's like a phisome person a fan fix the on You can't you spin-tax. You can't just say you're somebody else like you can't say like I could say crazy thing like I'm can Like that doesn't mean that that's true The fuck I can't I say who I am all the time! Yeah, so do I.

What's your point, honey? Oh. There's a good chance I am the Dark Lord. It's a good chance any one of us is the Dark Lord. I mean, we both thought it. I can be good enough to be the Dark Lord. Should we stack rank at the likelihood of each of us being the Dark Lord? I think it's chun't.

I think it's chun't. I would put full chun to be the most probable. Yeah, chun's chun to my number one. Yeah, chun is chun number one. Oh hold on, let's take a vote. If you think I'm the Dark Lord raise your hand. If you don't leave your hand down. Well I'm missing a finger but I am holding my hand up. Just letting you know.

It has to be a full hand. I'm so sorry. God dang it. Oh I do have another hand. Okay, so I stay alive. I stay alive. Okay, let's accuse someone else. Okay, I think, I think Jermilis is the Dark Lord. Well, what would you say is me?

I'm just throwing, that's how the game's played, we just throw out accusations. I purposely fighting against the Dark Lord because I don't want to give a bad name to all dark people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's rough. Now you've made it awkward, good job. Let's just play the game. Now I still think it's John. I think he's just trying to throw a shade at Jimilius to give us office scent.

Alright, new pitch, new pitch. What if- what if the Dark Lord is all the wizards combined? Oh. Oh! Like we- What if we find that out? We couldn't vultron us together. I can be the dick part. And this wizard council is the thing that makes the Dark Lord happen. Oh.

That'd be like mind-blowingly interesting, right? And then the fact that we don't know that we're really Dark Lord happened. Oh. That'd be like mind-blowingly interesting, right? And then the fact that we don't know that we're really dark Lord, that'd be, it's like a bootstrap paradox. So I'm the right leg. We're the Macuffin. We together are the collective Macuffin. It's kind of like trying to stop it is what makes it happen. It's like that show Dark Lord.

Oh no. What? Oh no. Guys? Oh no. Guys, you gotta get Netflix and Foon. And I gotta get me a breakfast sandwich in my tummy. All this talk about my guffins. I'm sure that there's some of the dominoes down at the bottom of the mountain.

Davino serves breakfast and Foon. Look, these are all great story treatments. And if we were on, you know, you had to do it like a silo pitch or something, sure. I think any of these could be made into wonderful stage productions here in Foon. But we need a real plan. Alright, let's say that we decide to make the Dark Lord change its mind by allowing ourselves to not let the Dark Lord know that they have power over us. You get everybody to band together and walk across all of Phun.

And by the time we get to the dark Lord's palace, we stand outside there and we give a lot of impassioned spells, a lot of great speeches. And then the end, the dark Lord have no other choice but to recognize us as people who deserve to be not under his power. I just flip, I'm sorry, I flipped the channel in my mind. I just didn't want to, I was not interested in that one. Oh, how about this? What if we all almost defeat the Dark Lord?

And that part I don't have figured out. But we're like, we 99% destroy the Dark dark lord and then just when you could kill him permanently You're like I can't I can't do it It's just not in me to be a killer like that and then the dark lord says sucker and he pulls like a wand You didn't even know he has and he's about to get you and then you have to kill him But then it's like you're allowed to because he pointed that wand at you at the last second and then you walk away and he explodes and you don't even turn around. Guys the Ethereum Blade just 10

X it's now worth infinity plus one. Oh, so just you know we have a budget we have a budget. My 52 gold has turned into more. I don't exactly understand anything but am I up? Am I up? You're up. You're up. I'm sort of the same, still, right? Plus, right? Yeah, you're this. So go with me on that. I got one last plant, all right. Might be a little weird. Now let's say we get a bunch of the best spell throw on players. And we go up against the dark lords players and in fact he is actually like taken over other spell players and made them into like the spell stars and then we're able to battle them in this epic battle of game

that pits the entire fateful on this one spellball game. Oh, I love that. I mean, it definitely would be exciting, but to be, I think we'd need one ringer player on our team that could make sure that we won no matter what. OK, I'll play. Uh, OK, hear me out. What about this? We all just flash backwards, and we do a prequel.

And it's all just all of us in high school. It's, you know, it's just prequels, can still be your pregnant. Mm-hmm. You're a cute version of us, don't you? Yeah, magic tavern high. And it's just like, we kind of have some of the same adventures, but we appeal a little bit more to a younger demographic.

And then the Dark Lord himself is reduced from an all-powerful, dark wizard to just like a high school bullying. Or maybe the principal? I love this idea. The only problem I see is that Genelevi is already a cute version of herself. What? I'm gonna wake with you

with my one non-acid-burned eye, wonderful. Oh. I'm gonna stick a mini-carot somewhere you are not expecting later. I'm going to turn it holiday sauce and pour myself all over your eggs Benedict. Oh, later. I know this might sound a little simplistic. Have we thought about walking up to the dark Lord, putting the obsidian sword in his hand, grabbing his wrist,

making him put the blade into his own chest and say, stop stabbing yourself, stop stabbing yourself? Yeah, that was the first thing I tried. Oh, sorry. I really like that, though. I caught him, I handed it to him. I go, stop stabbing yourself, stop stabbing yourself. And you're like, flung it back at me, lucky it didn't get stabbed.

Luckily, he didn't realize there's obsidian. And I got the hell out of there. My idea is that we build a seven story sculpture of Yusodor. Love it. And we hide inside it. All right. And we have it delivered to the Dark Lord's house.

Could we deliver it along with a pizza? Domino's galore, and we say this is the present of fealty that the world is giving into. You rule the world now. Just take this automatic Domino's dispenser in the form of Yusudor the Wizard, and then we're in. And then at night, when he's eating some Domino's, we can apparate. We actually could be the pepperoni on them, and they will apparate from inside him.

Oh, the apparition's coming from inside the wizard. Exactly. And we burst out, we say dominoes, motherfucker. Exactly. We can also feel the giant usador statue with birds, and then late at night, it will just open up in birds. Well, feel the air. I just, it's a nice flourish.

Doesn't look too much. It would be visual though, it would be a beautiful. Yeah, be a great visual flourish. Yeah, look great, man, look great. Oh, we got an email recently from a listener on Earth who is a geologist who said that it's actually really easy to make a obsidian, if you make a volcano erupt into an ocean, the lava in the water makes obsidian, if you make a volcano erupt into an ocean,

the lava and the water makes obsidian. So I know there's almost no obsidian in this world that can kill wizards, but thanks to Kay, on Earth, we have a way we could make a lot of obsidian if we wanted to do that. That can't be right, you igneous ramus. Yeah, if we wanna make more obsidian, I don't think we want to make more of City

in though, at least not right now, right everyone? No. No, no, I like being immortal, all powerful, unschallengeable. I mean, if that were ever threatened, I would have to kill whoever's plan was that. So K, from wherever. Just watch out, you're a dead woman.

She also says she's got a lot of Obsidian in her office on her. Can, can you want more Obsidian? Shut the fuck up. Oh, speaking of oceans, I have 11 friends that live in the ocean. Now, each one of them has a very specific skill. So what we do is one of them turns out all the candles in food. So there's like this light outage, right? And then, okay, let me remember.

Okay, one. That could be a name for remember one shut the fuck up okay and then there's one that's like really just shut the fuck up really there's one that's like a pick pocket oh and then one is James Conn's son James can know I'm talking about James Conn the You really got to shut the fuck up. The local Con artist and Foon, his name is James. What else? And then there's a... Then there's a guy who's real flexible.

I got nothing. I see, we're not going to come to any sort of agreement any time soon. Although, there's a lot of hopeful things here. I really like the giant statue's idea. Thank you so much. I really like the giant statue's idea. Thank you so much. I really like the path of non-violence that Jim and Elise put out there. Really, the only dipshit who isn't pulling his weight

is a spintech. Go home. Oh, really? You're carrying a fucking murder weapon, man. Yeah, yeah. You're always carrying murder weapons. You love killing weapons. I am a murder weapon.

Do you want to get into it right now here? Yeah, let're always carrying motor weapons. You love killing me. I am a murder weapon! Do you want to get into it right now here? Yeah, let's go! Aroktro Kras! Sing, gang, and I'll... Here's your truck, Kata! Since him telling me... Oh fuck, aren't you described what's happening? Oh, there's just mad...

Oh, so much magic. Like, the magic coming from you, Sador, but also magic coming from Spindags. Sorry, less details. It's too confusing Colors jameleus somehow the two of us have to form a triangle here against spin tags All right, here we go How to how are two of you forming a triangle? I don't know jameleus do I need a triangle?

And then please join us You didn't ask me to be part of your triangle. You could use a triangle triangle Yeah, you fasted a burst man. I should ask for a second. Fucked up. Yeah. Thank you, Jamelius. Thank you I'm gonna get you stop shooting fire at me you asshole. No, we're still fighting You said or I know maybe you don't want to hear this but If the thing in my head is the main thing that the Dark Lord wants to make it so that he can never be killed, we can't have a plan where the three of us attack the Dark Lord. Like, buddy, I

know you're really gonna be disappointed that I have to tell you this. I think whatever plan it is to defeat the Dark Lord, kind of we have to sit out. Like we should just go someplace safe and protect me, maybe keep heading to the Bellaroths, and then everyone else can defeat the Dark Lord. But you're doing a really important job of keeping me safe, like that's an important, right? Everybody, that's an important job for you.

Oh yeah, yeah. I just wanna cut your head open right now. I don't wanna ever hear you talk again and I need this artifact out. I don't even know why we're arguing over it. You're disposable. You're literally dying as I watch you. No, no, hold on.

You don't matter in any way. He's my friend. I would never let any harm fall upon him. Just as I would never let any harm fall upon me except for that time I cut your any harm fall upon me, except for that time I cut your finger off. Yeah, I was going to bring that up! It's just one little thing. Almost all of us have been cut by that sword that you're wielding around you, so now that I think about it.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll take the sword and Arnie, and we will abscond away, and you and the rest of the wizards can all continue to debate the best way to defeat the Dark Lord And if I take no part of that glory, I'd be glad to play my small part as I do Honor my duty to Arnold and make sure that he and Shanta both safe What a bullshit speech you just made. What a point you got pretty weeny pretty weeny. You know what I Disagree genlivia speech you just made. What a bite you got. Pretty weeny. Pretty weeny. You know what? I disagree, Genelevia. You know, so oft I do, uh, coward to the, and, uh,

list to all that you have to say, but I need to tell you that I have now been so committed to anything, is this mission that I am on right now to protect Donald and to make sure that that artifact does not fall into the Dark Lord's hands. And if that means crossing you, then so be it. Huh! We are broken off! Oh yeah?

Come on, me! We're over! It's over! 100% over! There would be no, there would be no corn kernels, no eclairs, no kind of, um, pedatois! Just a little mango? Never! You sir, you pulled her emotional and greenie too far.

You did, you snapped it in half. I'm no longer tensile. I am out of here, bitch! Oh, uh, gently, yeah, forgive me, but I must do what I have sworn to do. You ruined my potty! I did mean to ruin the pot. Goodbye!

Whoa, she dissolved into a million grains of sugar. Oh no, I think she just dropped something. Jyn Levy, wait. Jyn Levy, you dropped all your sugar. Oh my goodness, how is that? Do I have a hole in my pocket, as well as a missing a finger? Thank you, Chant. I hope you don't die.

Oh, thank you. It does suck when you get a hole on your sugar pocket. It really is awful. Speaking of sugar pockets, I hope you keep trimming your pubes in the shape of my face. You know what? I am going to make it even bigger. I like, wait, let me take a sketch right here.

Now, let me get the trimmer out. It would be good if I could just model on you once, and then it's kind of like a topiary, so. Yeah. I'm going to stay off of social media for the next couple weeks. Justin case the fan artist, get some ideas. Okay, that's good. You know, it looks so much more like you.

I really appreciate that modeling. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. You're probably welcome. Fuck my ex-boy friend. Bye. Oh. This is no man.

What? It's wrong with you, man. We talked about this, man. We had a whole plan. You were gonna give the name You're gonna get back together. It was gonna be great. The Wizards have the best time. We're all together Man, you messed it up man. I mean, yes, I messed up nothing here and though I respect you and and have honored you as

In this mentor mentee relationship. I fear if you also wish to cross me then our paths may have to fork You really gonna turn on me? I'm not turning on you I'm just saying that I am committed to protecting Arnie and if everyone else doesn't get behind you on that You must wrong Zor right now, man. How do I am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. I thought you were a real one man What I'm a real one. No, no, no, man. I thought you were a real one man. What? I'm a real one. No, no, no, no. Look, you said or Thought you were down. You know why you ain't nothing but a punk You know my feelings man. Oh, I'm so sorry

What? Oh, you love me, man. Well, don't you love I do love you. Ch do love you. Jimelius. I'm so sorry Running and crying wow so fast he dissolved into a hundred million nachos They'll just fell out of his pocket sure. Why do you stop seeing people? Wait, do you know what's coming back? You're short. Well, I think I'll probably head out. Yeah, fuck off. A lot of drama here. Yeah. This isn't as fun as it used to be. It can be fun if people will just respect the fact that shut the fuck up. You know, I think I'm gonna head the- I'm gonna head to a fan-gary and remake it in my image or something. You don't want to join forces with me and help defeat evil for all time? For all time? Then what do we do? Defeat the next evil?

Well then we failed, didn't we? Oh damn. Do you guys like having the Dark Lord always come back every once in a while? Because it just gives you something to do? Oh, there's a lot of contemplation in between Dark Lords for sure, yeah. Is there reason to get up in the morning? Huh. Well, maybe we'll see you in Fingeria.

Alright, I'm just gonna take this ladder straight up. You're in terror! What? Wow, he dissolved into a man climbing up a ladder. That's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just, Well, you said or? Um, pretty good wizard council. No, no, not really. Hmm. I feel like with all these powerful people around, as the smallest and weakest member of the council,

well, I'm not really on the council, but I'm here, I felt like I should have spoken up and been like, I'll do it. And then everyone's like, okay, and we'll protect you along the way, but I just, I didn't want to, I didn't want to do it. You should be more careful with that sword, though. and we'll protect you along the way, but I just, I didn't want to, I didn't want to do it. You should be more careful with that sword though.

When we first walked into the Wizard Council, you do accidentally permanently kill that one wizard. I can't remember his name. Telefist the white? Yeah, I never liked that guy. But he's dead. Yeah, I mean, sure. What was he gonna do?

Yeah, I guess that's true. I mean, what do you even know about him after six years? Name everything you know about that guy. He's a wizard. I defeated him in a battle a long time ago. That's everything we've established about him. His name is Tallahforce. Tallahfee's.

Okay, then I don't know his name. What do you think about everything, chicken? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, take spin-taxes chicken and head to the kingdom of Bellaroth. We got a chicken! I'm not spin-taxes! Whoa, it talks! I mean, that's talked earlier, and I understand chicken, but it speaks English! Well, not English, but it speaks words! Pretty cool! Oh, do you want to come with us? Where you going?

I mean, sure! I got nothing! You guys want to go get high? Yeah! Yeah, let's do that. Tallahfeast the White, gone too soon, never able to participate in this podcast again. Is it wrong to be a little bit jealous of that guy? You've been listening to the sixth year, exploative Layden anniversary of Hello from the Magic Tavern, rescued by guest star's edition. Use it all the wizard was played by Mat Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Jamilius the Malf was played by Anthony LeBlanc. Spin Tax the Green was played by Charlie McCracken. You can see Charlie in all three seasons of AP Bio, streaming on Peacock, with Season 4 coming later this year. Jean-Lie the other ed was played by Felicia Day. Felicia recently narrated a new lit RPG book called Rule of Cool, available on Audible. She also streams on Twitch multiple times a week, on twitch.tv slash Felicia Day.

She is also a New York Times bestselling author of two books, both available at FeliciaDaybook.com. And for some reason, she chose to spend time with us. Can the wizard appear as are we really putting this credit after Felicia? Should we leave a rusted out hot dog cart next to the Met while we're at it? Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffiah, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Ear will producer Kimmy Lucas. This episode edited by Sage GC, special assistants provided by Ryan DeGeorgie.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Now if I had my way, can the Wizards credit would have gone here? Or better yet? After whatever you listen to next. And if that's the audio book to under the dome, so be it. Oh well, we'll get it right by year seven, like Professor Snape. Wait, he died. Eh, the metal forehomes.