Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 18 - Germ Crust Visits

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Germ returns to pay her final respects to the "dying" Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGerm Crust: Mary TildenMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSavior of Foon Song: Arne ParrottGerm’s Theme Songs: Anna HavermannYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following is only a recording of trained Earth voice actors and acting a fantastical story about dimensional travel that is by no means real. There are no portals leading away from your planet to all sorts of other worlds, because if there were, and there were some sort of show about that. Surely that would be on TV, right? I mean, that's the kind of thing you throw TV money at, yeah? No, this is a podcast. So on the believability scale, we're starting with two strikes against us. Yeah, nothing accurate happening over here. I mean, ask the people behind that Trojan Horse Affair podcast. Not a lot of need for fact-checking in the world of radio, am I right?

So, take that need for very similar to'd off the table. Pour yourself a nice big glass of all-believe anything, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six years, 11 months, and four weeks or so, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical Land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of nibble bottom, at the base

of the unnambleable mountain, in the magical land of fune. And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger. Bing bong! Oh Arnie, I have so much pep in my step today. Do you want to know my little secret? I, of course, always buddy. I always want to know your little secret. Well, buddy, I always want to know your little secret. Well, there's a cart across the street that's selling.

It's this guy who travels from town to town. Maybe selling. Right, more glob. No, it's not more glob. I know. What you're thinking? You have more glob on the brain. This guy goes from town to town and he sells his own home brew.

That he makes. More glob. Are you staying with me? Stay with me. Hey, your eyes are closed. Openornger. Are you staying with me? What are you staying with? Mm-hmm. Hey, your eyes are closed. Open up, buddy. Nope, yep.

Ah, I'm awake. So he makes his own home brew, and it's made from a wheat that he finds on the mountain tops. It's his own mountain brew. And what he does is he tells a little joke into the mountain brew, and he makes it a ha ha blast. Oh. Do you want some mountain brew ha ha blast?

Do I want some more, galore? Arnie, buddy, this is brutal. No, I'm sorry, Chuck, no. I'm, I, I, I, no thank you. It's a very kind offer. I don't want any mountain brew. Ah ha blast because I care about what I put in my body. You're eating a full pig.

Wait, that's what this is? Yeah, what did you think that was? I don't, I don't know. I thought it was a sandwich. I was having a real hard time. It was really rough. I was like, there's a lot of hard crust on this. And hair. Okay. Yep. Sorry. I'm going to set this aside, I think. Sorry, I'm a little distracted. John, I mean, our anniversary of the podcast is coming up. But also... Oh, yes, the podcast. Oh, the podcast. Sorry. Pinky clinkies. Oh'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game.

I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game.

I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. I'm a little bit more focused on the game. where the tighter it gets, so the less you forget about how cool the rings are. Oh, okay, is that reversible anyway? Yeah, you could turn it around. I mean, the ring is the same all the way around, so if you turn it 180, it's gonna look the same, but you could technically do it. I'm just wondering, at what point, how do I stop it from cutting my finger off?

Oh, I don't think you can. Hmm, okay. My finger's blue. Yeah. But you know, if your finger pops off, you can just shape shift a new finger. Yeah. I can't. Here's the thing, chunt. Yeah. I can't do that. Well, I get...here's Arnie. Here's what we'll do. I lose a finger. So then I have four on one paw. I grow two back. So I have six on one paw. I cut one off. Give it to you. So I have six on one paw. I cut one off give it to you Bingo Bingo new thingy chunt math doesn't make this better that does not help me just get used to the group well

He'll be dead wing wing wink. Oh, there's just so much. I got so much There's just so much stuff happening and I can't ask you so for help because he's on his deathbed There's so much stuff happening. All that's happening is you just put down a full pig and you're complaining about a ring already buddy. Well, also, you know, how I'm working for the Cooper in town. Oh yeah, just, I've been trying to help out. Now the Cooper is in a lot of trouble

because that douchebag Cooper stole all of his inventory, whatever that is. I still don't know exactly what Cooper's make. Now the Cooper is in a lot of trouble with the king of the Cooper's for losing all that inventory. Oh shit Arnie has she thought about flying the Cooper? I don't know. I mean I probably she should because she's in a lot of trouble. I've heard that King Cooper is gonna send his Cooper troopers to punish her. Oh, that's sorry I'm laughing. It just sounds funny. Sounds funny. No, it just reminds me of something. Yeah, it's really bad.

It reminds me of one time I was at this party and I was dancing like the music was real fun and then everyone was like chanting for me to run up his staircase and then grab onto a flagpole. And everyone was like losing their fucking mind. And then instead of sliding down the flagpole, I just sat on top of it. I just sat right on top of the flagpole. Just sitting there. Why would you do that?

No reason. Well, I am also joined by my other co-host. He's on his deathbed, used to the Lord of the Blue. I will use it all. Wizard of the twelfth room of Fesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minibulator of Magical Delights, Demour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the Elves, Numi, as Fying Yelok, the dwarves Numi, as me as Zodanin who sang G's and I was known in the north-east as Gasmeneus Mastar, but now I am but a leaf upon the wind, and soon

my time here shall expire as I shall fall to the ground, churn to O reddish hue and soon be trampled and returned to the ground from which I came. Oh. A body chunk not really. I'm perfectly fine. Yeah, we know. No door, yeah, no door. Oh, the suit I only did at all shall be so sad. Am I the only one that's getting some serious can the Wizard vibes from Dio's?

How dare you insult me like that? Yeah, you're doing a lot of like, I was a guy who was this guy. Yeah, because he sounds like a tired old fuck. Yeah, I'm doing a lot of like, I turn a reddish hue, I you. Yeah. Isn't that his catchphrase?

I turn a sketch phrase? I Tired Listen to me. I'm doing this for all of us. If anyone finds out that the dark Lord is still alive and in the basement of this a very talent Kick us up. You stood or Sorry everyone. Don't look over here. The dark Lord said nothing you and it's the dark Lord's dead. He's not locked in our basement Lord said nothing, you idiots, the Dark Lord's dead. He's not locked in our basement. Oh, yes. Oh, that's the badness of nearly dying.

That's why I have this tiny bed strapped to the back of my head. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, Arnie, before Yusador Wing Wing dies, have you ever had one of his magical delights? No. They are so fucking tasty. Yusor, would you mind baking a batch?

Oh, I'd love to do that. Shall I just fly into my hat? I don't need to know how the cookies are made, but whoa! They're sort of, Ernie, they're sort of like, um, I think you've mentioned that on Earth, I think they're called Turkish delights. That's magical delights, I think are pretty similar. Oh, okay. They're just sort of gelatinous cubes, they're sort of coated in this powder. Oh, is there fruit? Is this like a dessert that has fruit in it? Yeah, I think it has peen to the kids. Kids love them. Kids will prime their room. I came back out of my hat, so I had to make the, what I said, whoop to get in, so poo to get out.

Here, enjoy a magical delight. Is who whoop backwards? Yeah, I would think pow was. Nope. Poo. Huh. here, enjoy a magical delight. Is who, whoop backwards? Yeah, I would think power was. Nope, poo, huh. You learn something poo every day. And you sort of thank you so much for this magical delight.

I think I'm gonna pass, not big on fruit desserts. What the hell? Or fruit. What the fuck? Ony, do you realize I just shrunk myself? Went inside of my hat and spent six months growing fruit and journeyed into a piece of magical delight and then creating it for you and coming back out here?

Not to mention Arnie, that whole figure eating that you ate two thirds of had an apple in its mouth. What about that fruit, huh? Well, I didn't get to the apple. I have no apples. You ate it as first. Yes, not on purpose. Don't make it weird.

Yousador, are you telling me that you whooped into your hat spent months in there so long that you forgot what the opposite of whoop is and you came back poo? It's all making sense now. I didn't forget anything. Go back and let's see what happens. How?

Oh, damn. Hmm, you're right. Yeah. Oh, wait, hit that pal. There might be something in there. Oh, yeah, is there something in that pal that can help the Cooper? Because I'm really worried these Cooper troopers. I hear they have barrels for some reason.

I don't know why they would have barrels. And they throw these barrels at you. He might have barrels? Are you talking about Kongy-Dunk? Do you know Kongy-Dunk? I've heard of, yeah, I feel different kind of barrels. I think these are like green and red barrels. Oh, no, these barrels were blue and red and yellow and green and orange and,

and maybe that's it. Yeah, it's just those. Well, I hit this block and I got this flower. I don't know if you want a flower. I know you have issues with flowers, aren't you? But here, let me just walk across the table and bring it to you. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Wait, there you go. No, you said, or you can't come back. Now that you've walked that way, you can't come back this way. You can't get back that way.

You idiot! No, alright. Well, I'll fix something up. And now that Arnie's touching the flower, he's picking his nose, I think. Are you picking your nose? Hmm, always. Fanart doesn't really depict my nose picking as much as I would have expected. Huh.

You heard it here, first listeners. Your wishes have been granted. The speaking of wishes, Arnie, I wish we had a guest on today to cheer up Yusudor because well, what we do, I'd have to be very busy, but I did get a guest that I think Yusudor will be very excited to see they came because you're on your deathbed, I assume. Yusudor, it's it's it's it's it's girm crust Hello, oh hello Arnold. Can I come out from under the table now? Yes, you can't it's Arnie. Yeah, of course please Oh, I know I know it's Arnie. I just I like to belong things, you know Sugar it's so good to see you. It's been quite a while. I know.

Oh, a chun. Hello, a garment's so good to see you. Thank you so much. I can't tell you what this means to me, and not just me, but you said over. Oh, I'm so happy you invited me. I've been having a long few years. I started getting my degree.

Oh, that's wonderful. In what? In glomology. Oh, it's wonderful. In what? In glomology. Oh, what an interesting field of study. It's wonderful to see you again, girl. Mm-hmm. Wonderful to see you too. You stood on.

Yes. Please, tell us about this new field of study that you've endeavoured upon. Yeah, I'm from another world. I don't really know that I've ever heard of this before. Glumology, it's just a study of being glum. Oh, yes, Arnold. It's a very important field of study here in Fune. For once what is sad or depressed, there are steps that must be taken for the energies and the power and the magics that surround the gloom and the melancholy can be quite dangerous if left unattended to. Yeah, and there's not much known about Gloom because a lot of people who study Gloom, you know, eventually they get up and they just can't even. Oh, sure.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Yes, that's what my thesis is on, actually. About not evening? Can't evening, yes. Oh, wonderful. And a can't evening to you, too. Yeah, have you considered like doing a speaking tour

when you finish your thesis like an evening of can't even, thing? Oh, I would love that that I hadn't even thought about that but would you be guests on my show? Oh oh my gosh that would be it we've had we've got guests on someone else's show. I mean probably how many times comedy bang so long ago. I mean you can't even get access to that easily. It would be a variety of can't evening. An evening of can't evening. A can't evening. That sounds amazing.

I speak for all of us when I say yes, yes, yes, yes. Well, you speak for two of you. For I soon shall die. Oh, no. He's trying to out-can't evening girm. I mean, I can't even think about living another second longer. Oh, you, Siddhar, you do look so blue! Oh, yes, well, thank you.

I guess I've been taking care of my robes. Oh, you mean how sad I am, yes, for... Although, let's know that this sadness is twinge with joy as well. One, for having accomplished my great goal of defeating the Dark Lord, totally for real. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. And two, having an opportunity to see you once again. Oh no, you can't say that unless you really mean it. Oh, she's crying.

Well, I'm so sorry to upset you, but I am very happy to see you once again. Oh, you said all. She's gotten so good at crying for her studies. I study crying all day long, every day. And I would like to say that it wasn't related to the amount of time I've been away from you, Yusudor, but I truly just decided to become identified with my missing and my pining of you. Oh, well that seems unhealthy You'll have to figure out a way to carry on without me. You have many other interests and are a complete person on your own I'm not really dying What Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Who would eventually end up with Girm? I'm gonna have to have a thing. Really? You and Girm is who I'm shipping most.

I told you, Jill. Olivia is terrible for you. Oh, all right. All right, she's a very powerful wizard, so watch your step. But hey, listen, I don't know if you saw this, but Girm has a tattoo on her shoulder of your face. It looks like almost like a missing poster. And then underneath it, it says,

have you seen my heart? No. That's so, I mean, that's truly the sweetest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it's, it's sweet and tacky. All right, let's so I mean that's truly the sweetest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life I mean it's it's sweet and tacky all right. Let's get back Oh, you're back. Yes, just drinking this strange drink that someone left in a candle holder Oh, I'm sorry. That's goose juice from last week that you do not want to drink that don't want to get Oh, no, I to something to the... Am I going to get drunk? No.

No. No. No. Am I going to get sick? Maybe. Maybe? Yeah, yeah, baby. Well.

You may get birth to a goose. Oh. Oh, well, if I had someone with me to parent together. Maybe that would be all right. Yes, I think she means you. Ah, so she's saying such subtle signals. If only there was some way I could survive long enough to help you raise this goose that you may be impregnated with.

Oh, but will who'd ever know. I've seen this romcom a million times. I would like to say that my focus in my studies has been on wizards and and the glam of wizards. Oh, so you're particularly interested in then I suppose someone like Blorth the Brown who is notoriously sort of depressed and a very depressed wizard. Fucking dense idiot. Well, yes, I actually there are several good books on him. He's been a good case study for me. Oh, you've been reading the good books? Yes. That's good. They've been very good books. Oh, can I add? So you said your thesis is on can't even, can I ask a maybe a dumb question? Oh, of course.

As you write your thesis and you swap out pieces of paper for different pieces of paper to update your thesis, at what point does it stop being your thesis? Oh, I see what you're getting at. Are the pieces of paper your thesis or is the idea behind the paper the thesis? The thesis is the time spent doing the moving of the paper. Oh, that makes so much more sense. See, I would have thought as soon as all the original papers

were swapped out, it's ceases to be a thesis. Oh, ceases to be a thesis. I like that line. I'll have to put that on one of the papers. Yeah, put it in your thesis. Are you saying these pieces ceases to be this thesis? Yes, yes, yes. Well, that's a very difficult to wrap one's mind around. Perhaps we should all take a quick break and then come back and explore that further. Well, we'll explore that further, but more importantly, when we come back, we're going to be on a brand new podcast that we'll hear about in just a bit. It's a can't even with gum crust. I can't even, I can't even, I can't even.

Welcome to my show. I'm gum and I have my first guests on my show. Guys, we're on the first episode. Oh no, wait, she said first guest. I'm sorry, nevermind. The first guests on my show today, they are my dear friends. I've known them ever since I was a struggling makeup artist, but now I'm getting a degree. I'm getting a degree in sadness. And what can be more official than that?

So here- So we're to be over on the side while the main part is going like, it's kinda like already shut up, you never interrupt the host. Oh, don't you get that from our podcast? Yeah. So here we are.

We are exploring sadness today, all the glum in the world. And what better way to do that with the happiest little people I know. Now, I will introduce you to them. We have Arnie. Hey! Arnie, tell about something that made you so sad. Huh. Well, uh, oh boy, you know, already stopped looking around the room, you're not gonna be inspired by your environment. Yeah, uh, chants made me sad

on a number of occasions. Fuck. Oh, that's beautiful. And that actually segues us into my next introduction. This is chant. Uh, Bing Bong, thank you so much. Girm, can I just say it's a pleasure to be on the show, a longtime listener, I'm sorry, first-time listener, longtime guest. What something that's made me sad recently is Arnie saying that I may Kim Sat.

Oh, that's a really, I would love to unpack that in a moment. Well now we have the most prolific and uplifting of the sadness people that- If she didn't introduce me again. Arnie shut up. Oh sorry. Also your catchphrase was, hey, when she said, here's Arnie, you said, hey, what the fuck was that? Put some spice on it.

That's a fucking mustard on the ball. Fuck that up. Hey. And it is Yusidor. Thank you, Gurm, for having me here. I'm a first-time listener, a long-time caller. Oh, where have you been calling? Because I don't think I have a number connected to this.

Oh, just out. I just call out. Oh, many of the places I go. I just say things aloud, yeah. Oh, exactly. And you know, where we are right now in this beautiful landscape of nibble bottom is a great place to call out because there's a mountain

and there's echoes. Oh, yes. You're very glum, then you can just scream sad things and then the world will scream them back at you. And that's very true. If you're feeling sad, it's very good to let it out. And I like to let things out as loudly as I can. Alright, you're still so what is something that has made you sad recently? Well, I've been alive for 350 years, so I've had my ups and downs along the way, but I'd say most recently, I was sad that no one showed up when I originally was dying, when I first was dying.

But I mean, I'm still dying. I was sad that no one came to my pre-funeral. It made me very sad, but then a pre-fuel showed up, and now you're here. I am. Sometimes you just have to be showed up and now you're here Sometimes you just have to be patient even when you're dying So I decided to live a little longer and then die a little later. Oh, okay, well Listen you said or I was going to say you are the first dying person I've ever had on my podcast But then I realized we're all dying and that oh

Yeah, that's oh yeah That's a great point. Are you idiot? I love hey? Can I change what I'm sad about? I'm sad that I'm also dying does everyone want to know when they're dying what I should I cast a spell that tells us all when we die Not me. No well That actually sounds like a great thing for the end of this podcast, which will end soon because I don't have a lot of material because I am new at doing this. I do. I'm doing a wonderful job. I don't think you should be sad about how your host in this podcast.

You should be very elated. Well, that's something that I like to talk about in my study of glomology, which is a redundant thing to say because ology means study of. So if I were to say the study of glomology, I'm really just saying the study of glumology, which is a redundant thing to say because ology means study of. So if I were to say the study of glumology, I'm really just saying the study of glum, the study of. Anyway, we're going to not tell each other whether we should be sad or we shouldn't be sad because we all should be sad. Well, but we have to find joy in life too, otherwise, why did I fight for so long and attempt to defeat the dark Lord?

And then finally accomplish it, absolutely for real. I... For if there's no hope, then what is the point of life? Oh. And why did I do nearly seven years of this podcast, if I'm just supposed to be Sad and this whole time of doing this podcast for seven years at any point We could have said the podcast is gonna wrap up soon because we don't have a lot of prepared material

We could have been doing that this whole time. Why are we making our long episodes? We've never prepared any material. All right. Well, I just, before everyone starts to spiral into this strange existential moment, I just want to say that this is my podcast and I get to decide whether or not we'd wrap up early and also I get to decide whether or not we have to be sad. So I think that we have to be sad and I think that we have to end whatever I want to take. Okay, well I'm sad that sometimes birds fly into class. Oh, that is the most sad thing. Oh, you used to or everyone gave you a

door round of applause because that's... Why do birds fly into class? Why do birds fly into class? I'm like a bird if I flew into a window. Just some fun songs I thought of just now. Beautiful. Those were great. Now, this brings us to the final segment of the podcast, which is called The Kent Even. Now, this is where you have the opportunity to just give a little 30-second rant about something you can't even. Uh, well I can't even with all of the other wizards.

They've shunned me. Even though I've completed the greatest task that any wizard has ever completed, they still ignore me and leave me out of their machinations. Oh, and how I think about how Spintax the Green continues to plot along with his fans and his books and his popularity, it makes me so mad, and how unice and even gemelius used to be my friend and can and bluff and and genleivia who's rejected me. They've all rejected me and I can't even. Wow, that was really good use to do it. Oh, thank you. I don't want to follow that. Can Arnie go next?

Arnie? Hey! I still got it! Follow that motherfucker. Okay. I can't even with people who didn't come and pay their respects or give friendship to Yusudor on his fucking deathbed. I can't even with these people. Yusudor has been the most loyal, giving, thoughtful, generous, commanding, powerful,

magical, handsome creature. I've ever known and these motherfuckers don't show up. Here's what I'll say. I can't even with these people and what I'll say is champagne for my real friends and poison champagne for my champs nice Wow storing that carefully though, chant like are you you're not always the most organized? I'm just saying Honey, this isn't your book. Oh, sorry, sorry. Hey. Oh, you know what, though? I think Arnie does make a good point. I will not be drinking any of Trance's shem-hem.

But do you want some mountain brew, ha-ha, blast? That I will try. It sounds as sad as it looks. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Yeah. I never thought about it, but it is a very sad drink. I don't know how to do that too.

It actually tastes pretty good. Now, Arnie, did you actually want to go or did you feel that you already did your cant even? I thought I kind of knocked it out of the park, but now I feel sad about the fact that maybe I didn't. Okay. Well, that brings us to the end of my podcast. I forgot the name already, so I'll have... I do that all the time. I'll have to go back and write it down.

But, because I don't have an implement to do so, I will just sing the little song and we'll all be on our way. Doo doo doo doo doo doo, gum crust can't even, can't even with gum crust. Ooh, I like this one better than the opening actually. Yeah, let's take a short break and then we'll get back to welcome to the Magic Tapper. The guest for today's episode can't even with Hermcress, we're Arnie Neacamp, use it or the blue. Sean, this shapeshifter. You can check out more at girmcrust.can'teven.

So girm, can I ask, what was it that led you to study the Glamarts? Oh well, I saw a lot of really scary things back on that first expedition to defeat the Dark Lord, and it really got my head spinning for a while, and then my heart was broken, and that's not any sort of slight towards Hussador but it was Hussador who did it. And then I started to heal but then I thought maybe I didn't want to heal, maybe I just wanted to be a wound and then I thought well I've always been someone who takes action. So I decided to just study what I was feeling, and through that I've become an expert. Wow. And can I ask, if I'm looking out the tavern door here, there seems to be sort of a

bevy of ghosts out there. Are those the ghosts that follow you? Yes! Yes, they've been with me all this time. And I have to imagine being around them, they probably have a certain energy. Like, I assume, I mean, my dad, I just speaking from experience, my dad was a ghost, and he was kind of always sad, because he's always thinking about when he was alive, so at that moment, I also have some effect on you.

Yes, well, you know, my ghosts actually do have quite a playful spirit. They always are sort of playing jokes on me. Oh, no. You know, pulling people's pants down, but they also are... It's kind of not acceptable. You should tell those games. Yeah, that's not cool. Well, a ghost-pancing is a little different because conceivably the ghost could just be like, oh, it wasn't me, your pants just fell down.

It doesn't make it okay. It doesn't make it okay. Look, I was young once and I thought that would have been like a hilarious premise for a Scot Bayo movie, but times have changed. Yeah, and can I say just a few years ago, someone went to Pants Me and just ripped my hips off. I don't wear pants. I had to regrow my hips off. I don't wear pants. I had to regrow my hips. You'll famously don't wear pants.

Yeah. So to the ghost point, I'll say that while they are playful and goofy and vivacious, ironically. Never heard those two words used together. That sounds like a perfume. Goofy vivacious by groom. Well, you know, there are unique little group. And I will say that despite all those things, they do suck the energy from the room. So even though they seem to be having a great time and they make me laugh, it's like all of the life has just been sort of eaten away from me.

They're takers. They are and I feel gloomy. I'm so sorry to hear that. Can anyone actually defy in the word vivacious? Four-five? Is it excitable? Is it happy? I think it means full of life, Full of- is it- is it excitable? Is it happy? Is it- I think it means full of life, which I understand is a- Okay.

An oxymoronic concept with a ghost, but- Sure, sure. Gern, is it possible- And look, I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, but it seems like you could benefit from letting go a little bit. Seems like these ghosts are really burdening you, and using your own words kind of sucking the life out of you.

You know Arnie, I think that that is exactly what the premise and the purpose of my podcast is. You know, I can't even with my ghosts. Yes. And that's the first time I've ever said that aloud. Oh, how empowering. And now you do. Who are you? You must feel a great burden lifted from you. Yes, I do. You must feel like the ghost of an albatross has been lifted off your shoulders.

Yes, that's exactly right, Chant. How do you know the right words to say? In turn, I appreciate that you embrace that sadness is a valid emotion, and there's nothing wrong with it, but also, so is anger. It seems like maybe it's healthy for you to express your anger. Oh, yes, one moment.

Let me march outside and scream at them. All right. Well, she goes outside the screen. Can I launch into my song I've been sitting on? It's called Healthy To Be Hourney. It is only 10 minutes long. I promise you I will clip through it. It's healthy, too, Be Hourney.

Okay, your faces are saying no. Let's listen to your angry with the sentiment. You know, I told you, I told you I need you. Why are you throwing those things at people? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no screamer? Come, are you really, are you really cold those ghosts? What you thought, that was wonderful. Ah, I feel like I, my words became just alpha that soup. I don't even know what I said, I'm so angry. Well, I think this is a great revelation for you.

Is there anyone else who's possibly wronged you that you finally want to tell off? Um. Yeah, anyone that's caused you emotional distress or pain over the last few years? Home. Yeah, anyone that, like, even when you think of them, like your stomach churns and you're just like,

I want to tell them what's been on my mind. Oh, you, you, you, you, Siddore! What? It's you. Me? I, I gave you so many chances to just give me a little stroke on the cheek or a little pat on the bottom and never once, never once did you do that. And now you're dying.

And I think I, I'm very mad at you for that. Because you went and died and you never even were going to say goodbye I had to find out about your death, and come seek you out from your friends. Who are very good people, and you always, always, you always interrupt them. Oh, well... No, you don't get to talk. Oh, shit. Arnie, this is so empowering and it's making me sad because it's like, what are the things I want to say to you before you die? And like, I never got the chance to pat your cheek or stroke your bottom. I

know. I think if we're learning anything this week, it's that we should never hesitate to pat that bottom. I think that might be the wrong takeaway here. Yeah, maybe that's wrong. It's healthy too, be hardy. I think I'm being affected by this ghost a little too much. Well, anyway, I'm glad I got that out, and I'm just feeling sad again now, so that was good. Girm, can I just tell you?

Thank you for sharing that. I know that took a lot of vulnerability and a lot of strength. So thank you for sharing that. And you, Sador, how you doing, bud? You okay? Oh, well, it's hard to hear, certainly, but Girm, I hear you and I understand you and I appreciate your candor. For too long, yes, did I... ...play the dalliance of what might have been, and yet I did not commit myself, or I

found myself often tangled with that red wizard, Genelevia. And now I look back and have regret, as I lie here, strapped to my my deathbed and can't do anything about it. Well, I appreciate that and I also want to say that Genleivia is not at fault and I really like her and I actually have a friend of a friend of hers that we got some tea recently and we were talking about Jin Livia. And I actually don't blame her at all and I think she's very pretty. So that's just something I wanted to say because I didn't want to bring her into this. Well, thank you. Perhaps if there's some miracle by which I am able to survive my inevitable death, maybe there's a future for us. For whom? For whom? You and Janavia or...

You, Srinor, but yourself out there. Come on. If hypothetically you don't die, sometime in the future, maybe ask her out on a date. Arnie, I don't need you. Oh, okay. Chant, he doesn't need our help. He doesn't need our help. Hey. No, uh, uh, uh, uh, I meant you and I. Oh, you sit, oh, oh.

You, sir, that's not what you want to hear somebody say You said or you needed my help shut up you said or I I am very flattered but I I I've moved on yes Of course you have eyes what do you mean of course you didn't know that no you haven't shut with who I've moved on. Yes. Beeeeeeeee I'm moving on to heaven. That's bullshit. I'm happy for you, God. I really am. I'm happy for you as well. Oh, that actually was kind of sweet and worked out. Yeah. Wait, did something healthy happen? Can't possibly on this podcast. Arnie, listen, we have to break this awkwardness with a song. Now, I'm willing to launch into the last nine minutes

and 50 seconds of it's healthy to be horny unless you have a song. Oh, no, no, well, you know me. You ever see a guy, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You want to say, oh. There's actually some bars are in town, and this is, well, cheer, use the door up.

There's a new popular song in Fune about the demise of the Dark Lord. Well, let's get out of here and hear that. Let's say, yeah. Hey, Bards, why don't you play the song for us? When the world had fallen into darkness, a humble band of heroes came, and one among them stood above them, and we for ever sing his name.

While others coward, he empowered, summoned his obsidian sword. Focused on his quest, most ancient, he struck down the dark Lord. Now all Fung shall sing his praises. He whose hand is true and sure. So raise your glasses to host his bravery. Never forget who it's for. So is there anyone up there who could possibly compare to Drift Fang! What?

He answered the call with really no help at all. It's Drift Fang! Huh? Drift Fang. He's a model of the person that everyone could be and if he isn't a wizard he certainly should be. Oh, I'm dancing! His are a hero of choice with the sexy, sexy voice

that's Drift Fang! And his catchy! His vibe is so fun! I'm gonna name Those are hero of choice, with the sexy, sexy voice, that's Drift Fang! In his catchy! His vibe is so fun! I'm gonna date my first son after Drift Fang! Thank you, Mr. Drift Fang, for free! And thus, he should have his own realm of Aeasy Us! There may be, he's in evil at first!

He killed a lot of people, he did a lot worse. But now we see that everyone was wrong. We love an anti-hero who was good all along. Who could put the whole cake? And his name out of snakes, that strip-fang. Who's the hero of food? Eight in every gender swoon, that strip-fang. And if we had our way, he would have his own day. And it would be every day. no one else should get a day.

Trippang is the. Is this the moment? Clutching us just what? How do they think that? I don't know you, Sir, I'm so sorry. I thought that it was a song celebrating you. Arnie, quick, it's healthy too. Be horny when you see two birds collide in this guy. They're fucking little birds. They're fucking little birds.

I'm sure there's some kind of mix up, right? Like maybe the Driffang made the Obsidian sword but people don't think they're telling me that they believe that they evil necromancer and man made of snakes. Driffang murdered the Dark Lord instead of me. Girm, stop dancing. Oh, I just, I was really enjoying it. No, it's so, I'm dancing too. I'm dancing too. You said door.

You said door. It's not everyone believes that, but that is what the tablobees were saying. Ah. Ooooooh. You know how they are. they just need something to publish. I know, I know, but I'd sacrifice so much. Well, it's for the best that you sacrificed in honor, rather than, you know, just so that people will say things about you. Yes, I suppose, uh, I must carry on. I've completed my one true task and now it's my time to die and I won't even get credit

for it. Kay, you don't seem very happy about that. Yeah, your smile is terrifying. It looks very forced and it doesn't go with your eyebrows. And there's blood coming out of your mouth. Yeah, and it's not yours. Look. I went... Figure it out a way to make this right before I...

Quote unquote die. Why quote unquote? Don't worry about it. No, she's right. Why quote unquote? Wait, you said or would you say that you have a Dying wish that we should try to grant before you die Well, you got like kill drip thing or something because I'd be in on that. Yeah, you want us to kill your thing? Yeah Am I included in this you can be if you like? Yeah, you want us to kill your thing? Yeah! Um... am I included in this? You can be if you like? Yeah, do you want to kill drip thing?

Um... Oh, right. Germ, I... I... I... I... I... I can't lie to you any longer. What? There's so many lies which one could this be? We didn't defeat the Dark Lord. We almost did it in the end.

What the fuck? We captured it and he's living in the basement and I'm not really going to die. It was all part of a ruse to make sure that everyone believed that he was actually dead and that I was going to start living a new life under a new assumed name. I was going to become Richard Jiggins. Oh, wait. Oh, wow, I was so upset for a moment and then the name really threw me off and that is funny. But listen, listen, use it up. Ah, this is truly a...I don't even have words. Oh, well, it's just that everyone was so happy, and we'd almost killed him, and then he tricked us, said...

Peace was starting to expand through the land, and the Dark Lord's forces were being turned back, and it seemed like, well, the best thing to do was to just keep the whole thing under wraps, but I hurt you in the process. And I regret that, and I do truly apologize. I've already forgiven you, Huse it all. Oh, good. I hope that you'll keep this secret between us, and that seems that every week now I reveal this secret to somebody. Now I feel less bad about all the people I've told though. Wait, what, who did you tell? What the fuck? It's not the way back.

This seems like a big web of lies you've been spinning. I wonder if you would like to come on my podcast next week and reveal the truth. Well, I have been wanting to make more guest appearances, so sure, that sounds great. It will be a special Kent even episode where we can't even the most. Oh, I love it. With all these lies. All these lies, a web of lies, truth and lies, spin-tax. How did you get there? What the fuck? You wanted to get there. Web of lies, truth and lies, spin-tax.

How did you get there? What the fuck? You wanted to get there. Yesor, you wanted to get there. That's like me going canalope, canalope, already knee-camp. You want fuck-arty? What the?

But you know I followed that. No, it made sense to me. Saltwater taffy, Laffy taffy, fuck our knee camp. Yeah, that one I get that one too. Razberries, wrinkles, ramen noodles,

noodle, chicken soup, chickens are afraid to die. I don't want to die. In noodles name we pray, Raman. Raman, favorite meal of students, still so much to learn, Matt Young, who played Wizard's Choice Award nominee, Usador the Blue. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolf Refyre.

Jerm Crust, the Glamologist, was played by special guest Mary Tilden. Check out Mary's short film, Cool for 5 Seconds at omeletho.com. Her short film, Rough River Lake, is currently making its way through the Film Festival Circuit. Get more info at Rough River Lake Film on Instagram. Or find out more about Mary's upcoming film and comedy projects at Mary T Lake Film on Instagram, or find out more about Mary's upcoming film and comedy projects at Mary Tilden on Instagram. The song Saviour of Foon was written and performed by Arnie Parrott. Visit his website at atptoons.com to hear more of his great music.

Hello from the Magic Tavan is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tvern Patreon, like Michael McCoy, Liz Roy, and Shaleigh Kram. I wish that third name had rhymed, but otherwise no notes on your name, Shaleigh. Patrons get ad-free episodes, and at least two new bonus episodes every month. The most recent is a new behind the Tavern, where the cast shares stories of recording the Season 1 finale, Usuror's Quest, and moving the show in a new direction, I guess, in season two.

Here, listen to it. The other kind of thing, when Matt was saying, like, sort of leading up to that episode, like, the one thing I really appreciate about that on the hundredth episode before it gets to the chaos at the end, was that it kind of surprisingly pays off a bunch of threads or at least like there are things that were in the air

that were like, well, all the badgers that are pissed off at Chant should be at a table. And we get attacked by starlings and there are all this talk about the Unwed mothers. And I think like Sarah Shaki was just there to be squibbert and unless I miss remembering, we basically just said, can you play one of the unwed mothers

for a moment in the chaos of this? And it kind of became the last five minutes of cabinet in the woods. Or it's like, hey, every creature we hinted at that we know is in existence, all the doors open in their let loose. And so on. To learn more about supporting the show, getting more bonus content that anyone would realistically want,

and maybe even forcing me to say your name in the credits, visit patreon.com-magic-tavron. Hello from the Magic Tavron is produced by Arne Neekamp, Matt Young in Adolf Refei, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Anna Haverman, special assistance by No One. Patreon listeners will know that someone said, I don't have to say their name in the credits anymore, so I won't. Ugh, feel like Andy DeFrezne finally shoveling his way out of Shawshank with a spoon. Sweet, sweet freedom.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Whoop! And it's your boy, Chuck, and I don't want to be corny, but everyone knows it's healthy to be horny. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick