Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 21 - Talking Crossbow Visits (w/ Colton Dunn)

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

DeMonte the Talking Crossbow returns, confused about the fact that the DL is dead but his crossbow curse hasn't been lifted.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungDeMonte the Talking Crossbow: Colton DunnMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandNew Merch is available here!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, but don't let the lack of fantastical parallel universes get you down, it's a beautiful Earth day. The skies filtering out most other spectral wavelengths, leaving it a lovely shade of blue, the ground isn't yet erupting into white-hot mercury geysers because that's still a few years off in your timeline. And the birds are content to stay in the trees and sing. Rather than chase people around and consume them a whole, because they haven't been dinosaurs for a long time. Even though they originally were, don't AT me, bro. So enjoy the fact that birds aren't trying to kill you. Although, wow, if a virus emerged from the melting permafrost that mutated all present earth creatures back to their original form, what a thematically satisfying conclusion

to this planet that would be. But in the meantime, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Seven years and two weeks ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional

rift, and I used that to upload this podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar at the foot of what was formerly the unnamed bull mountain, but recently named, I'm sorry, John, I'm so bad with names. What was the, oh, it's now called Slobodon. So is it Slobodon? Oh, I know.

I still don't think the mountain likes that name because I feel like we feel a little bit of an earthquake every time we say that name Yeah, did you feel that just now? I did. Wow. Is that me or you? I don't know We should if this was earth we would just get on Twitter and just start talking about it like I don't know I don't need to talk too much about earth stuff sure sure sure Yeah, well, it's funny you brought up slow-bid on already because yeah It is that that name is spreading through the town like Wildfire.

Well, there's also Wildfire in town, but the name is spreading as well. And so I thought, I come to you, Arnie. My best bud, my good pal, Klingy Pinkies. We say it. Okay, well, China didn't want to bring this up, but yeah, you know that the pinky ring you got me that is constantly shrinking, and there's no way to reverse that.

Uh-huh. I can't find it. Oh. Nor can I find my pinky? Oh, weird. Yeah. But like my hand seems okay. Except for the fact that there's no pinky there anymore.

Ooh, that sucks. Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but the pinky is the balancing finger, so I don't see any handstands in your future. Yeah, or pass. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, it does. It does. Okay, I would, you know, look,

I'm gonna try my best to find the ring and my pinky, but if I'm being honest, I didn't use it that much. Don't drink a lot of tea, all fancy. Like, what, what would I use my pinky for? Oh yeah, I mean, I guess high fives, if you meet other humans or humanoids. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a pinky's out. Can I be honest with you, John? I've never given a high fives in my life and truly meant it. Have you ever given a sincere high fives? Hey, what, they're not like, I openly ironic high fives. I'm just like, I feel like I'm pretending a little bit. Oh, so you're one of those download to slow motherfuckers, huh?

One of those psych and then slick back the sides of your hair, pieces of shit. Oh, I dealt with you in high school. John, we never really delved into your high school experience, but as I'm just saying saying is it so wrong to want to press together your palms rapidly? Why do you have to fool someone? It's not cool to fool. I feel like so much of you is coming into focus just right now. I feel like I understand you a little bit better, Chuck. Well, it just sucks because I came to you with an idea for Slobodan and then in the middle of that

idea, somehow we start talking about your disappearing pinky and now we're here where I'm just sorry, you're right, Slobodon, your idea involving the mountain is much more important than my thinking or the fact that much of the town is on fire, but you go, you go. Yes, what I was going to say is so many people are talking about Slobodon and I thought I'd come to you, my good, my good bud, my best pal, and he could tease, can't do that, but I would ask for an investment because I thought what we could do is open up a ski shop on the top of the mountain, hear me out, it's called Slope On Down Slope On.

Okay. Now everybody wants to get to slopes, right? Yeah, get some of that nice, nice fresh powder. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so we build some sort of ski resort, or some sort of ski school on the mountain, and we watch the money as it flows in. Sure.

Trent, can I ask why is it the more upset you are with me and the more you want me to take you seriously in the conversation, the more likely it is you ask me for money for an investment at the end of that conversation? Oh, I see. You're gonna say psych, you're gonna hold out your money and say psych and pull it back. Or take your money and slip back the side of your hair with your money.

Oh God, what happened to you in high school? Anyway, I'm so sorry, but my other co-host is dying, so I should introduce him. My other co-host, he's pretending to die. You said, or the wizard. I was used to all. Wizard of the 12th Rail, Muffuffeaseus Master of Light and Shadow. Many of you later have magical lights, devour of chaos!

Champion of the Great Halls of Trockus. The elves, Numius Fyingellak. The dwarves, Numius Zonen, who extinguished and I was known in the North East as guessmanius Mastar. And lo, since this terrible wildfire broke out earlier this week, my mind can think of nothing but how to get Arnie's pinky back. But I think I've come up with a solution. Okay. Hey, before you say the solution,

and not to interrupt you just like Arnie did to me. Yeah, but Arnie's being a bit of a bully today. He told me before we started that when you say the var of chaos, I should scream cake boss during the word chaos He said that would be super funny, but I decided not to because aren't he's a bully that would never work on a podcast I'm sorry that was totally my idea. I love that joke But I wasn't invested enough to put it on myself, so I wanted Chant to do it, but I yeah I'm sorry. I'm so power of cake boss. That's funny. I mean funny enough for me to tellant to do it, but I, yeah, I'm sorry. A hour of cake bus? That's funny.

I mean, funny enough for me to tell you to do it. Sorry, you used to know what we're coming up with? So the solution for the pinky? All I could think of as a way to save Arnie's pinky. And here I have to vice this glove. Put on these gloves, they're big, puffy white gloves, only four fingers each. Okay, huh. But, and then you have to talk like this. gloves. They're big, puffy white gloves. Only four fingers each. Okay.

Hubs. But and then you have to talk like this. Oh, why would I want to do? And wear this hat with these two big round ears and that's soon your pinky shall grow back. Okay, I'll, I guess I'll try it for now. You look fucking goofy, dude. No. Close. So this reminds me of something that I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe because my fingers missing Well that helps with this pinky, but what about his brain?

What are we going to do tonight? You know what? I'm so excited. I have a guest. Oh, so the same thing we always do Well, yeah, I mean at least once a week except for the frequent weeks where we forget to have a guest And then we just do a weird one where it's just us. So you got a guest I did and it's an old friend of ours. I mean I say friend, but yeah, I mean I consider him a friend Remember when we were briefly in charge of the Valshmer army like somewhere in season three ah Skip me with a remember and then we met the magical talking crossbow, Demonte. Oh, of course. Yes, of course.

He was friends with my dear and true love, Genelevia the Red. Well, this weapon sitting on the table is not actually just a crossbow. It's our guest, Demonte, the talking crossbow. What's up, yo? Demonte! I'm holding the whole time, man. I'm big deal the whole time. Crossbow it's our guest to montane the talking Wonderful I had no idea I thought you were making a crossbow. I know I know people I get that I get that literally every day I so in our species

Yeah, well, but quite an auspicious date. Have you here as our guest once again? Oh, man, it's great to be here. I'm really glad that I was able to find you guys because, yeah, you know, I'll be honest. I need to get to the bottom of something because I need your ass help. Oh, of course. Yeah, of course, D'Amonte. You helped us out by taking over the Velchmere Army that we were doing a bad job of running. And so we owe you at least one. Well, Demandte, speaking of getting to the bottom of things, could I interest you and getting to the bottom of the slow, but on mountain now? Typically, you'd have to fall down. But what if you were on two wooden sticks that carried you down at a very fast pace?

Yeah, man, that sounds kind of cool, but what if I could just be on one stick? Wouldn't that be cooler like just being a one stick? Like even a wider stick and it could be a really wide stick. Yeah Yeah, man, I could wear really baggy pants and be cool. Arnie, we gotta we gotta go back to the drawing board Well, I'm sorry to montey, but in your current state. I don't think you could wear pants at all Yeah, that's actually one of the main reasons why I needed to find y'all. Oh For puny to parents Well, I do, but I also need legs

I don't know if y'all remember my whole deal, but I was not always a crossbow I used to be just a dude. Oh, that's right. You were freshness on your whole deal. Yeah, and that's what I was like just a dude and then the dark lore turned me into a crossbow. Hate it like that. It was like a curse.

That's right. You know, and I was, you know, and honestly, I was just kind of like, well, whatever, that's just my lot of life, it's just how it's gonna be. You know, it's the only way you rule with the punches. I just roll with the punches. I just, you know, I roll with the arrows as they say in cross-world world. But, you know, basically, the whole thing is that the curse was supposed to live when the dark lord died. And now, I

don't, you know, and that's why I wanted to find y'all because basically I dished out on leading that army. I had to bounce man the violence all that stuff all the you know old girl kept Screwing the animals and stuff. I was not into that scene So I had to I had to bounce and I just kind of was doing my own thing going around I started like a little food wagon that I would set up a little food wagon outside of different villages, you know, on different nights. And, you know, just make small, like, comfort food,

basically, stuff like that. You know, just my passion. Sorry, not to get hung up on it. Oh, girl, what kind of animals was she? Oh, any animal. She just didn't care. It was like as long as it had you know Fixell walls She would be all over it so even like a supplier

Chantino, Jen leave ya she she's the wizard of nature the nurture She she loves everything about nature and she makes love to everything about nature It's messed up man. I mean I got I think maybe on the page it sounds cooler than in reality reality is like an upsetting thing to come home to every night and try to be like hey we're supposed to be working on these battle plans and she's like going down on like a shrub. Yeah so yeah you know so I bounced out of there but you know I I digress so there I. I'm closing down my food wagon for the night, you know sold out all my So it was doing well good business doing great doing great. I mean, you know, it's just me Just I just made a living wage. You know, I'm a minimalist now, you know

But you know the thing is is this this fellow comes over with a little weird looking guitar and starts singing a song. That's about the news of the day, something something. He's telling people everything is going on. And my man said that she all killed the dark lord. He said it was like, yeah, that's what he told me. And I was like, I was like, oh, that's great. And then I like stop. I go, hold up.

Why am I still a crossbow then? Yeah, and I was like I was definitely like all that's great and then I like stop I go hold up like Well, I'm still a crossbow man You know, right that's weird. You know until like I was like well, you know, you know And it look I will say there also if you take a close look you can kind of see this like little like I got I got a fingernail growing out of it. Oh, yeah, but the tip of the cross probe You know so like some you're mostly crossbow, but as for the crossbow. You know, it's like, you're mostly crossbow, but as we look more closely, like really closely, there's some other stuff going on. Oh, yeah, man, oh, yeah, for sure.

For sure, I mean, I don't know if it's a nose or a thumb down there at the bottom. I got there's a third of a cup of little concern. There's definitely skin, I don't know what it is. But that's why I just wanted to meet up with you all because I figured, okay, this must be like some kind of fake news thing because clearly the Dark Lord can be dead

otherwise I would be, you know, back to being a dude. All right, Dermonte, I now make this my number one priority to get to the bottom of this mystery. At first, I just wanna know, what's the name of your food truck? Oh yeah. Oh, the name of this mystery. At first, I just want to know, what's the name of your food truck? Oh, yeah. Oh, the name of my food truck? Yeah. Well, you know, basically it is,

I did like toasts, like different types of toasts. Okay. I would toast bread to varying degrees, likely toasted to very heavily toasted. Okay. And it was called toast of the town. Oh. And town was spelled with that with a E at the end. Oh, yes, of course.

Well, what about the way you're spelled? No, an E. Chant, E, not a no. Oh, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, E, no. Can I ask again, like, we're going to get to the thing about your curse and that you feel like something's wrong with it and that maybe the Dark Lord isn't really dead. But about your food truck, how is it being a reanimated crossbow

and having a food truck like, does that help in your business or hurt in your business? You know what, the thing is, it's always about getting that first customer. Because you know, first people don't even realize somebody's working behind the counter. You know, they just are like, oh, the person must have just took off

and left all this bread with a crossbow back there. Yeah. But then, you know, when I like, start talking and stuff, they're like, oh, snap. Yeah. Usually they're a little scared, but if you get one customer, and I'm gonna tell you me, my toast is good.

I don't put nothing on it, butter no jam nothing just straight warmed up bread Just the bread never really be brag about not putting the butter on Nothing I'll put nothing on his toe. Oh, yeah, it's so good. It's that good And it's somebody trying to bring stuff to the the the cart and put their own stuff on the toast They're 86 there. I don't know. Interesting, yeah. That's not allowed. So you take bread and then through a plate, you take almost all of the moisture out of that bread and then you don't replace it with any other moisture. Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. It's just crispy and a warm bread. That sounds delicious to me. It's great. bread. That sounds delicious to me. I've often found that butter on a piece of toast is quite ostentatious and unnecessary. It draws away from the delicious dry texture of the toast. I agree. I agree. There's a whole reason you don't want to always start with the food cart. But I can understand your conundrum because if I walked up to a toast cart and there was a crossbow sitting there, I would assume that's a booby trap and that

someone was trying to kill me with a crossbow by luring me in with toast. Or maybe at first you think you're gonna buy toast and you see the crossbow and then you think you're being robbed. Do people people ever, do people ever overpay? Like do they suddenly give you all of their money? Oh, you, because they think that I might murder them? Well, yeah, I mean, they're suddenly, they have like a crossbow, like looking them in the face. Yeah, no, definitely people would definitely,

you know, struggle, you know, hey, I just wanted to, you know, buy the toast, man, and I don't know all our problems, and I'm like, hey, man, this is my face, This is how I talk, you know, and You know, so yeah, there's definitely people out there who are just predetermined to be scared of me, you know And no matter what I do, but hey, you know what that's that's the life in all crazy world, right? Yeah, yeah It's pretty gross that people are scared of weapons. I don't I just just don't. It's not cool. It's not cool, man. It's not cool.

It's not cool. I definitely want to get to the bottom of this mystery about the Dark Lord, but I also wanted to know, what types of breads do you use other than just slices of bread? Do you do bagels? Do you do pita? Do I, what, what, what, what's sort of the range of bread? Like, like, like, a loaf, like, loaves of white bread.

Just loaves of white bread. Okay. Yeah. Loaves of white bread. Just loaves of white bread. Okay. Low the white bread. We got a little something. I'll do I'll do some wheat bread. You know, I'll stop through this one town and they have their own bread. They do is kind of a sour bread. And so I use some of that.

Why is it sour though? Why is it sour? No, it's something has to do with the dough Makes it sour. Yeah gross. It's weird. It was weird wasn't my thing But the people wanted it and like I said, I'm there. You know, I'm out there trying to make you know Make a quick you know some quick coin and get on my way the only people I know who like sour anything are kids and airheads Yeah, oh those kids who live in the patch down the road. Oh, yeah, oh those kids are so and get on my way. The only people I know who like sour anything are kids and airheads. Yeah. Oh, those kids who live in the patch down the road? Oh yeah. Oh, those kids are so fucking weird.

Wait, airheads, you mean like the rock, the rock band? Oh yeah, there is a rock band that's, it's all kids who all they do is eat sour candy and then they write sour ass songs. It's a lot of like, oh, oh, I hate dad. Never coming home. It's a lot of like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I can definitely remember one I think, but I won't. I won't, but I'm sure I know some. Yeah, so basically that's pretty much it. You know, not a huge variety. I try to locally source my materials for the bread,

but you know, I don't want to get into like bagels or peedas or any of that stuff because, you know, then people really start talking about like, well, where's the locks? Where's the hummus, you know, all this stuff? And I'm like, buddy, get out of here. This is toast only. Got it. Got it. Yes. So it's a very focused business. I'm very impressed that you have managed to find our audience for this particular product.

Well, you know what? My father was an entrepreneur. Oh, yeah. He always told me, you know, whenever we'd roll into a town, he would kind of stroll around town and look at all the signs all the all the businesses that were there And then he tried to think what business isn't here And you know nice pretty much everywhere you go. There ain't no toast shop. That's true Excellent. I can't argue that. I don't think I've ever seen a toast shop anywhere. I've seen a tee shop Yeah, you sir this is this is a fun game. We sometimes play you store say all the shops you've seen okay here I go I've seen a bakery I

See a cobblos You've seen a skies of blue I've seen skies of blue feels agree. I've seen an opposed to and those are stores. Yeah sorry skies of blue is a stored feels of green as a store. Mm-hmm. I've seen an opposed to I've seen right next door to that a rear post-ra which doesn't bode well. Let's see I've seen a does a mayor's office count. It's not really a store, but they are selling something I guess The selling justice, right? That's right. Yeah, I'm sorry And you still listing shops. Yeah, yeah, you and you keep going. I just want to speak with Sean privately for a moment with me. Yeah

John I think we should just confess the Damante that that someone isn't dead, because I can't listen to you so don't need many more fucking shots. Oh, weapon shot? I don't know, it's kind of interesting, just because he's been around for so long, and we know the list is gonna be so, so. Lies stock? I mean, I don't know.

Maybe if it was in alphabetical order or something, so I could kind of track like how far we are and how much longer it's gonna go on. Sure, sure, sure. Well, okay, well let's, yeah, I think let's go to a break maybe. Demonte, we're gonna take a break, but first before we do a toast, a toast to you. Let me just hand out this, I see your satchel here. If you don't mind, I'm gonna grab some of these dry pieces of bread.

It is toast. To Demonte, who dry as he might, has yet to turn into a human. And for that process to soon come, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back after this quick bite of toast. Oh, I get it toast. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yum, yum. That's that toast call. So, D'Amontet, and we're gonna get to the curse and just second, I promise. But I have a question, like, how's your social life? Like, what's going on with you? Like, when you're not working at the toast shop? Oh, well, you know, I mean, it's pretty labor intensive job, you know, because I, you know, like I said,

I locally source all the ingredients. I bake all the breads. I got a travel from town to town. You know, but when I, you know, when I, when I have some time to get down, I, you know, I like to let loose, relax a little bit, you know, kind of do my thing. Obviously, you know, dating has been tough

because, you know, this curse, you know, I'm still just a crossbow. Yeah, you know, so a lot of ladies aren't that into it, you know, except for some freaks, you know. Sure, sure. That's how I knew I had that toenail on the top of the bow because this one girl was like, look at that, you know, toenail, it on the so sexy and I was like, what?

That sounds disgusting. Yeah, most of them would take one look at Crossbow and Bolt. Yeah, most women. But you know, hey, they're, they look, it takes all kinds. It takes all kinds. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody's got their kink and I hear the shame, anybody.

Except for old girl used to work at Army with. Because her kink was out of control. Yeah, old girl. Yeah, you mentioned going down on a shrew. Sorry, you mentioned going down on a shrub. She did both of them. Shrew mushrooms, shrubs, anything, man, I'm telling you. It was like if it was organic, she was on it. See now I appreciate that those are an alphabetical order. Shrews and mushrooms. Shrews and shrubs. Mushrooms, streams and trevves. Demante, looking closely, there's some hair over here and...

Oh, okay, yeah. I mean, look, I'll tell you this. I know something happened to that dark lore. Something most of the happy-do because none of this stuff would be going on with me. You know, this is not normal crossbow stuff. This is definitely human stuff. I will say I have two theories.

As a shape shifter I do have two theories. Number one you are gonna turn back into a human But maybe the curse didn't specify how long so maybe you turn back into a human over the course of like a hundred years And that's kind of fun. Yeah, that was so crazy because when I turn into the crossbow It was like lick and he split like it was like blink and I'm a crossbow all of a sudden Sure sure sure. Yeah, sometimes I'm doing I'm a Crossbow all of a sudden. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, sometimes I'm doing curses can be tedious work. The other thing I thought might be true and I don't want to offend you and please correct

me if I'm wrong, I've come across in my travels, I've come across statues and stuff where they're like, help me, I've been turned into a statue by some evil wizard and you know you're- Oh, a statue shop. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yes. And usually some other wizard will help try and turn the statue back into human. And it turns out they never were a human. They just, you know, they've been around so long that they start to concoct these stories in their head of like, I must be meant for more. I might be special. I must have been something else and got turned into this thing. So you're saying I don don't I thought maybe I'm not a human. That's what you're saying

That's your ear. It's like maybe I should just think maybe I'm just an idiot I'm just just saying I'm looking at the hair here, and I do see a little bit of glue at the base Well, like I did this to myself man It is just a theory and and Trump is looking out for your best interest because that time that I turned a statue to a human who had never actually been a human and and it had to like use the bathroom for the first time and eat for the first time it was very upset and it begged me to turn it back into a statue BANG! I can't I can't wait to use the bathroom Alright, that makes sense. Do you uh go as a crossbow?

No, no, I have no digestive system. I'm a crossbow dude. So when you release an arrow is that like you coming? What? Just when you fire an arrow there must be some sort of release right? When you throw a rock is it like you've come all over yourself? And it depends on the size of the rock? No, no, I'm gonna go with no. No, it's not, no, it is like, look,

like I am just a straight up crossbow. Like wood, you know, you know, some horse hair for the tension. Shrites, horse has tension. Yeah. I'm more inclined to think that you're human now because you don't know the parts of a crossbow particularly well.

Yeah. Which is really if you were just a crossbow, you would know. Right. You've been saddled with this. This is a terrible curse that's been put upon you. And I fully support you. And but I have another, sorry to ask all these kneeling questions. We're gonna get right to that dark lower thing.

But you're saying that shooting the arrow was like throwing a rock for you so the arrows aren't part of you. I mean, I never felt like, you know, again, they just sort of appear. Like I think I want an arrow and it appears in the, you know, in the little loading area and it just fires. Okay, so it's almost more equated with like spit

because when I want to spit, even if I'm, and this is no offense to your toast, if I want to spit, my mouth is like super dry, all I have to do is be like, I want to spit and I'll start to, my glands will start to work and produce spit and then I can spit. So maybe that's a nice one to one. Yeah, you know what, okay, maybe shooting in my arrows

is kind of like coming. You probably like to, yeah, I am like producing little pieces of myself and I'm shooting it out on the world. And you're like more of this. I don't doubt you're throwing on that, but I think I was just being, I'm just kind of touching because you know, I don't want to be a dude again.

Yeah, for sure. It might even be more like when I hold my fist like this, closed, and then I turn it over and I open it up. And there's always a little frog there. Look at that. Oh, that little guy. And that's your cup. And this always happens?

Yeah, every time. Chun is a great question. You sort of, is that you coming? Yeah. OK. Oh, so you're at the table. I did it again. Why would you do it? Why would you do it again? We're eating. Guess who's coming at dinner? What, let's do a little experiment. Why don't you close your eyes? If you have that, not to be rude if you have them. And what I want you to do is just think. I see what look here in the back. There's one eye kind of thing.

So yeah, no offense. And as you close your eyes and think, I want you to speak aloud what you're thinking of. I want you to think of what you miss most from when you're from when you are human, you're human days. Think and speak aloud. Eating food. OK, pretty. Think and speak aloud. Eating food.

Okay, pretty. Okay, pretty necessary. Pooping. Yeah, and daily, daily function. More of a function. Having having sex. There we go. Okay, now I'm just there.

Number three. Sleeping. Sleeping. Oh, you don't sleep as a crossbow? Uh, no. Oh, you don't sleep as a crossbow? Uh, no. Oh, it's not necessary. The cross, you know, yeah, my crossbow doesn't need to sleep. So, but you never get tired.

No, that's, that's the only thing I can say. That's why I'm making bread all the time, just trying to get used of the day. Right, that's good for a small business man. It's got to be almost maddening to never get a rest in that way I mean if I would probably in my human body it might be maddening because there'd be a lot of like triggers inside of me That'd be telling me that I need to go to sleep, but as a crossbow. I'm just kind of that like go time

You know all the time just ready to roll well as a crossbow you do have a trigger on the outside of yeah, that's right What do you I don't think you've told us this before, part me if you have, what did you look like when you were a human? Man, I was so handsome. I was the handsomeest boy in town. Just like what the statue said, you said, or?

Oh, yeah, what is it? Every inanimate homie says it. It's the handsomeest. The statue we said, what did you look like before? And he was this little, and this statue was nasty. This statue was like, oh, I was seven two, super handsome, absolutely chiseled, just like I am now, 12 inch dick, like abs.

Like just really, just like everyone, everyone I think see themselves differently, I guess. But in the statue's statues defense as we established earlier It was never really actually human before so it just said things that sounded good to it Sure, sure, sure, sure, you know You know if I had ever been human and not a wizard who just appears in the shape of a human Then I would probably have some pretty convoluted ideas about what humanity does to sure sure yeah No, I was I was I was the prettiest boy in town.

I had like, you know, probably 13, 14 inch dick. Oh, okay. You know what? It lots of hair on my head. Like just a full head of hair. Yeah, that's one of the places it goes. And, you know, there's really broad shoulders. I like that you went face, genitals, hair, shoulders, barber shop.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right. Also, that reminds me, I need to pick up a bottle of genital and shoulders. You know that shampoo, right, Karne? Sure. Yeah. Keeps the dandruff out of there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, um, I guess we used the doors in any spell to hasten the undoing of a curse or there certainly is. And it certainly was possible this guy could just not be dead, you know that's what I'm thinking. I know. I guess that's what I certainly is. And it certainly not possible. This guy could just not be dead, you know? That's what I'm thinking.

I know. I guess my thing is that I was thinking about starting a podcast where I kind of broke down. I think that this might be a hoax, you know? Don't know. Yeah. So I was not gonna start kind of like, you know, just a short series of podcasts,

kind of, you know, going out, trying to figure out if the dark Lord actually is dead or not. Hi, Arnie, that's the last thing we need. I know there's so many people in Fune that are just ready to like sink their teeth into a conspiracy theory. And the dark lord just started that Theranos company before we killed him. Well, here's what I'll say and I'm just, you know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking, aha, here's I think is what's going on, Demonté. You know, they say the great minds of food. They say You're not truly dead until the last time someone speaks your name and here we are for goofs

And we keep saying the dark Lord over and over and over so that's keeping him alive So maybe if we all stop saying dark Lord then he'll he'll truly be dead Oh, it's good idea So maybe if we all stop saying dark lord then he'll he'll truly be dead Good idea Yeah, that was now probably can't do a podcast them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I should yeah, I don't know Demontate Chun could you excuse you sir and I for a second and while we're gone Chun, do you mind just naming all the stores you've seen? Okay. Yes, use it or have a good driver's store Use it or is the calligraphy store use our stop listening to the stores. Sorry. They are fascinating No, they're not

or which is where I first found about what is it? It's a little something I'm so sorry Grandma's house. No, I can't stop listening to this Wait your grandma had her own store Demontated you hear this the his grandmother had her own store Demonté did you hear this his grandmother had her own store? What's that star? I was I stepped away. Oh no that Chunch grandmother had her own store. Wait a minute. Oh, okay. Demonté you stepped away. Oh Usador let's walk a little bit further away for a second

You so are really sure is there anything that you can do obviously the dark load is really alive What? Use it or let's walk a little bit further away for a second. Use it or I'll really enjoy it. So is there anything that you can do? Obviously the Dark Lord is really alive, but can you like magically just reverse this curse? It was the Kites of the Lord. Ugh. I suppose I can try. I don't know that I will get Demante back

to the way he was before, because I'm not really undoing the curse. I would just be kind of re-putting a curse on top of the curse. So I wouldn't really be turning him from a crossbow back into a human, I'd be turning the human that is a crossbow into a new human. Does that make sense?

Yeah, like a game of telephones or something. Exactly. Let's go back over there and I'll see what I can susan. Hey, I'm just talking about tap, tap, tap, flip, tap, flip. Exactly. Let's go back over there and I'll see what I can susan. I'm just taping my foot. That's a very attractive foot. You said when you were still human for no reason, what color were your eyes?

Oh, blue. Blue is the sky. Blue is the sky, of course, and your hair was this sort of beautiful dark brownish black that I see here. Oh, yeah, it's tough to hair. Yeah, it was just like that, but a bunch of it. Okay, well, what if perhaps for no reason at all whatsoever? We all decided to just, I don't know, prick our fingers and pour a little blood into the middle of the table. Wouldn't that be fun? Sounds like great fun.

There we go. Get my finger on. I just got this one foot though. You can practice. Oh yeah. I want you to work. Just as well as a finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we could open the windows

and see the sunlight shining through here. And this, you know, oh sorry, I farted, is that what you're saying that? Yeah, that's it. I want to day out and hear a little bit to maintain a reason. We can see the sun setting in now, the perfect time of day, the golden hour.

Beautiful out there. The golden hour that is most filled with power Let us now hear see this crossbow who once was a human man Come forth and no longer be in this form I demand you got us is that you here curse him to be human once more There's hair growing out of the top of the grass. Oh! And then... Oh, just a foot.

Take advantage of the most beautiful human you've ever seen. Oh, I'm just a two-nam, just two feet of hair and a crossbow. Oh! Oh, and there's teeth coming out of the bottom of the grass. I'm still going, I'm crossbow! Oh! Oh! Oh, and there's teeth coming out of the bottom of the grid. Ah! I'm still going, I'm still going! Oh my gosh! This is horrible! Oh my gosh!

Oh my god, oh! Oh! Dementey! How do I look? Mmm... Like a crossbow with the most beautiful hair and two big old feet. Oh Here I've got a mirror here. Do you want to take a look? Oh my god. That's pretty close, right? I feel like I have a card to get

Well, that's all right. That's all right. Your lips the gods ears here All right, so okay, so I got a couple feet and a bunch of hair Arnie give him some peace and in one eye Give him some I love it. I absolutely love it. Oh, honey. Arnie. Give him some What you you love it? I love it. You know all this time I you, and while I was talking to you guys, I was thinking that although I thought so much about being human again, I did enjoy a lot about being a crossbow. I could shoot arrows any time I wanted.

I didn't have to sleep. Ah, and now I can move around a little bit easier. I got, looks like I got like one eye down there. Maybe it'll start working. Got all this fuss. That, all that stuff can only help me make my toast. That's true. And I think this is the, the best solution for me. To be a human crossbow, crossbow hyper. A crossbow.h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h No, another time another good well a round of drinks for the table while they take a break Yeah, you like you said it's a power hour, so we Demontate drinks on me. What do you want to put your teeth into? Oh, just a nice IPA very well ails for the entire table

Well, why don't we and Demontave you don't mind sticking around for this Why don't we read some emails both from our listeners who't mind sticking around for this. Why don't we read some emails, both from our listeners, who can email us at MagicTaver and popthese.supplies. It's a real email address, but also our patrons who join the MagicTaver and Patreon at patreon.com slash MagicTaver and also send us in messages. And I definitely remembered that easily. Here's one. We've been getting a lot of messages for Yusudor recently because, you know, he's dying.

Here's one. Hello, Magic Tavern friends. I've been listening since season one, but I've fallen behind on episodes, so I'm catching up now. I got my mum into the podcast, too. Fun fact, when my mum, or I miss a call from one another, instead of leaving a useful voicemail with the reason why we called, we recite Yusador's name in full. It started off as a joke, but it's now a regular part of our life. I love the podcast and all of you, Violet.

Thank you Violet! Oh, thank you Violet. Here's everyone's drinks. I just got back to the table. Oh, thank you. Well, that's a lovely sentiment. And what a wonderful way to imbue me with even great up power than by reciting my names.

Here's another email, okay. Wait, Arnie, I have one. Oh, sure, this is from Isaac and Lily. You can always email me at chuntwisixtisatgmail.com. Oh, chunt. Yeah? Is it written in the form of a script? So I know which parts are Isaac and which parts are Lily?

Yeah, so Isaac says, hello, chunt. And then Lily says, I was very happy to hear that you had an email address. And then Isaac said, I'm very excited for the opportunity to speak with you. My wife and I just started listening to Arnie's show. Huh, I'm gonna call that part. I don't care for that.

Yeah, that sounds right. And we love hearing about Thune. And then Lily says, What has been your favorite thing to be out of everything you've been? Thank you. Okay. Well, Isaac and Lily, thank you for writing. And my favorite thing I've been, I think is present.

Lasting, lasting. Yeah, and already's deep, that's deep. Yeah, and already you taught me that. Yeah. You told me that I should start listening to understand versus listening to respond. Yeah. And I feel like I really do that. Sure.

What are we talking about? Already do you, how's your drink to my day? Can you actually taste any of it? We, we did pour something. I mean, I'm just kind of pouring it on to, onto what I think are taste buds. I'm not sure what these little things are, but I can't really taste it. Just go with the blue.

I'm having a blast. I'm having a blast just having my foot along. That's all that matters. Also it occurs to me that we don't really know what parts you do and don't have internally. So consuming this alcohol, like, who knows what's's gonna happen on the other side of this experience. Hey man, gotta go for it. Only way, only way to get past it is to get through it, you know what I'm saying? I'm it's I'm at some young people who said you only live once. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sounds like something a young person would say probably those fucking sour kids. Oh Here's an email. Hey Arnie Chunt and blue dude big fan all caught up

Oh, that's great and was giving the podcast another listen through and came across someone who can call you on your BS about defeating the DL if Demante. Oh, this talks about Demante if Demante. Here's the Dark Lord has been defeated Oh, there we go. He's gonna leave for another. Let's see. Wait, what? What was that? Oh, you know what? Thank you for your email, Anthony.

Thanks for sending it. And I can't read this whole thing. He does it. Yeah, he does edit it there. Thank you, Anthony. Don't be a narc. It's weird. That's weird.

Don't die, don't be a narc. That's what we always say. What's email? Well, it's like letters. You know how we write letters and birds carry them from one place to another. Well, on Arnie's world. Or like that guy who played the guitar

and told me that the dark lord was murdered. Yeah. Right. There you go, you're keeping him alive with his name. That's true. Oh, man, my bad, my bad. Arnie keeping him alive with his name. That's true. Oh, man. My bad. My bad. He has that on his world, but it's it's it's done with like lightning. Yeah, it's like it's like letters written right? Exactly. It's like letters written in lightning that you can ignore for up to 10 to 12 days. The people in your world can ignore lightning words? They try they try to yeah, they try to, yeah.

They try to get to lightning zero if they can. But I like to think of it as an email as a wish your heart makes. Oh. That's kind of cool. Okay. Not deep, but cool. Well, Tamante, I'm very happy that you're happier than you were when you got here and that you're, you're feeling good.

You're beginning to take a different form and enter a new phase of your life. And I hope your business continues to succeed. I feel great, you know what? You know what, I love this town, I love this mountain. I think I'm just gonna keep my food cart here for a while. I'm just gonna hang out. So if you guys ever want some toast, it's on me. Oh, well, how generous.

Oh yeah. I'll be by tomorrow morning great Here I you know, I'm a bit of a a foodie myself a bit of a gourmah So I might even give you a quote if you want to put it on your food cart It's like a mouthful of sand Okay, the sheep yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you for it. Thank you very much. It's like eating out a desert. Okay, how about butter is for assholes. That's not kind of cool. But you know what, now then you're going to get confused on the other side of nibbobottom. There's that buttered asshole card, so I don't know. Oh, I'm familiar.

You said, um, I have a quick question for you. Are there any? Oh, oh. Buttered asshole shot. A tadpole store. You said, are there any potential side effects? Hey, they're both just listening stores, dude. No, walking down. Let's see, uh, fancy hat store, fancy shoe store. They just both list the stores dude. Every time. Let's see. Fancy hat store.

Fancy shoe store. They just both list the stores away. Yeah. Oh, Creighton Carroll. You know what, Tamante? I can't handle these two. Do you want to maybe go across the street and see if there's another train you can creep in?

Yeah, man. Let's go get lit. Yeah, let's catch up. All right. I used the door to do it. They're not even I'll see you guys next week. What? Yeah, yeah, dog store. Cat store. What else was there? Worst buy.

Worst just people unloading shit onto you for terrible prices. Sears and five point buck. Chase bank. Oh, that's where they take your money and road? Yeah, I hated that place. I've heard that some podcasts end on a punchline. I wonder what that must be like. Wizard's Choice Award nominee, user of the blue, was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger and come to think of it that Badgering Talker was played by Adolfi. Demonte, the talking crossbow, was played by special guest Colton Dunn. You may know him from Superstore or the podcast Voyage to the Stars. I only know him as the man I paid half a million dollars to hunt down the people who had stolen one of my porcelain figurines. Follow Colton on Twitter at Captain Dope. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of

the Magic Tavern Patreon. I think we all agree it would be needless pandering to list supporters by name. So I won't waste your time talking about people like Jenn Finn, Darby, Jacob Swini, Samuelson. Oh, we're back to the hyphenated last name Jacob. I guess someone learned how to apologize. Traum McGuivrn, Alexander Regal, Benjamin Jones, and Phoebe James. One of the unfortunate side effects of supporting our show is people like Steve McEw, Dante, Randy Barrett, and Cory Johnson get all sorts of bonus content each month, including at

least two all new bonus episodes. Plus, we keep throwing old Stitcher Premium spin-off series onto the Patreon at frankly an alarming rate. Last week we added all eight episodes of Earth Game Season 2. You know, in case you want to hear Arnie and Shunt play Zork with a giant toe. I'm not playing a clip of it. No, I'm not. So, you'll just have to sign up at patreon.com slash magic tavern to hear it for yourself. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Knee Camp, Mad Young and Adel Ruffiah,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathgeon. Ryan DeGeorgie not only contributed nothing to this broadcast, but is actively rooting for our failure. What a shell of a person. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Polo. What? What? Give me a high five motherfucker. High five. We did it again. Yeah!