Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 3 - Pirate (w/ Austin Creed aka Xavier Woods)

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

A pirate searching for the water stolen from his land visits the tavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLudwig the Land Pirate: Xavier WoodsMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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wouldn't tell you about them. But now we come to the third episode of the fourth season. If you've only just joined us for the fourth season, this would be our third date, that all important event where you decide if you're in for life, or about to begin the excursionating process of deleting your contact information from your partner's devices, while plotting out every last detail around the moment you fake your own death. And if it is the latter, my only request is that you take the time to create a fake diary outlining how you may have angered a mafia kingpin. Really gone girl it up, don't skimp, but I've gotten ahead of myself.

We've still got 40 to 50 minutes, eight of them worthwhile to convince you to stay. So sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekcamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Six and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal

behind a Burger King in Chicago and to the magical, fantastical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that to upload this podcast recorded now in the tavern, the strange familiar in the village of Nibblebottom at the base of the unnameable mountain in the magicalvern, the strange familiar in the village of nibble bottom, at the base of the unnamedable mountain

in the magical land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chant the Talking Badger. Mmm, Chant, please. How you doing, buddy? Good, I spanked my way all the way up to the chair. Just to give you some little bit of energy. Yeah, to give you a way, we gotta switch tables.

I mean, it's cool to have this table overlooking the entire tavern, Just to give you some little bit of energy. Yeah. Wait, we got to switch tables. I mean, it's cool to have this table overlooking the entire tavern, but it's a little bit of work getting up here. Well, it's nice to get my morning spanks in. Sure. Absolutely. And you know, everyone's been referring to this as the tall table. So it's kind of nice to set us apart to be known as the people sitting at the tall table.

Yeah, we're at the tall table. And there's a nice ring to it. Can I ask before I bring you, Sadorin, I have settled in into Neville, but we've been here a few weeks now. We kind of have to stay here for a while to sort of protect our sea, the dark lord that we have trapped in. Yeah, great.

Don't say it to your love. I'm settling in great. I feel like the people of this community all love animals. So I'm getting pets, I'm getting scritches behind the ears. I'm getting my zoomies out. It feels really good. It feels like this community is more connected with nature, I guess.

So it feels like everyone kind of adores me. Yeah, the people here, they're really, like maybe it's just living at the base of a mountain and it's kind of a little bit of hard living But they're just sort of like I see a cute animal. I'm just gonna enjoy it. Yeah, I am joined also by my other co-host Yousador the Wizard. I am Yousador the Wizard of the Trail Grail of a Peasiest Master of Light and Shadow Maybe later on of magical lights devour chaos champion of the Great Holes of Troyes The Oves Noviest Viannelec

The Gloves noeus sun in the hoax tangies and I am known in the northeast as guessmanius may star and now I am known as that slayer of the dark lord. There are so many other secret names that I shan't air at all loud. Oh thank you Hawks thank you thank you. The Hawks flew me up to the table. Yeah, you know last week used to are you summoned a million hawks? Yeah, that's a lot of a plague of hawks around here a lot of hawks still more coming in that's not a million yet That's maybe 600,000 or so those hawks could not be nicer. There's tray John Clint. They're also tall such tall hawks Yeah, yeah, yeah,ks. Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, okay. Okay. Oh yeah, we all look totally in there. I totally know what you're talking about. Here's the thing, we've known each other for years. Like we just have a mental connection. We just always know what each other's talking about. Yeah, I'm just making a heart conversation.

Also, you should or you should add to the list of your secret names, sit at the tall table. Because everyone is saying, we're the kings at the tall table, because everyone is saying, we're the kings of the tall table. Feels pretty good. He who sits at the table seven feet tall. How do you like that? Are, are what be the stock of tall tables?

Huh. Oh, someone at the top. Someone down on the floor does not seem happy about our tall table. How do I make my way to this tall table? I... Hawks! Hawks!

Hawks! Bring my friend here up to the table with us. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm flying. I don't know what this is. Ah! Hello? Hello, friends. Hello.

Hey, welcome to the tall table. This, I've heard many a tale of the tall table I'm honored to sit here. I am Ludwig, the land pirate. What Ludwig, the land pirate? Arnie, I told you the Tall Table, the talk of the Tall Table is getting around. Ludwig, it is deep bow. It is so nice to meet you, a land pirate, you said?

Yes, the lands where I'm from, the water has all evaporated, and it is rained upon other lands, such as this with the greenery around the mountains, but my land no longer has water, so I come from a tribe, a land pirates, as we now call ourselves. Oh, how fascinating! I've heard of your tribe of land pirates before. Uh, I understand that you take great umberage at being called a burglar or a robber. You're definitely a land pirate, correct? Definitely. I have been yelled at and screamed at, accosted for burglaring a house.

Who? I'm a pirate. I can't. I take what is mine. For me and my kind, my people, my land pirates. And we have just been besmirched for a year, after a year, and the papers, and the taverns, people believing that we are some sort of, some animals of, I believe they call it a cat, cat burglar.

Oh, yes. This disgust me, I am not nimble as a cat. I love water. I don't eat out of a dish I'm a man a man land pirate Yeah, I can also tell you are not a cat burglar because you don't have this kind of on again off again thing with that back guy Yeah, the the bat the bat guy, you know the bat or the big bat guy Scrass me boys. I I feel feel like I had an issue with him. I, as you can tell, I am the blackest of beards.

And he came around talking about his dark as the night and I said, Nate, for I am the darkness, I am the night and I am the pirate, the hero that this town doesn't deserve, but I am here to save it anyway. Well, from what I can parse through, it sounds like he lives in a darkness and you were born in it. So I was born in the dark. Now Arnie, I do have to clarify something.

Ludwig said that he was be smirched. I don't know if you have this on earth, but in Fune to be besmirched means you're smirched by bees because bees are very gossipy buzzing around telling everyone. So to smurge something is to kind of gossip it around. So to be besmirched means the bees are kind of talking about you which it always sucks always so nothing. Nothing is causing constant buzzing. Ludwig do you mind telling us about your outfit? I see you have a thigh patch. Are you missing a thigh or is that just a thigh patch? It's a thigh patch. I am very fashionable of the land pirates. Uh, I would, I would label myself the, the fashionista of the-

Oh! Oh! The trend setter, if you will. Or the, the hot stepper. Uh, I agree. I think your hat is very becoming. I've never seen that many feathers, uh, not on a bird. Word or a? Many of these feathers are from the never seen that many feathers, not on a bird. Word or a. Many of these feathers are from the hawks that have dropped me here at the tables. Only one is actually from a hat.

But I think I'm going to keep them. Thank you for that. They look very nice. And I love birds. Oh, they're delicious. I love eating them. I mean too. But I'm also friends with them.

And also they're my parents. I have a weird backstory. We don't need to get into that. Yeah, we're going to talk about user-wise relationship with birds, we're going to be here all day. Hmm, fair, fair. Well, nice to meet you kind, kind, kind fellows and badger. Oh yes, I am Yusador, and this is my friend, Shantan, my friend Arnie. And you are having your voice captured for a mystical transmission that shall go back to another world, where Arne is from, Arne is from another world.

What is this sorcery? Yeah, I guess, ethically, I should tell you, this conversation is being recorded. So, if you could sign this scroll, it's a release scroll. Just, just letting us know that we can broadcast this in another world. No, it's not going to be broadcast in this world. Oh, okay, that would be entrapment. Yes. All right, everything seems to be in order.

Yes, all right, I'm fine, I'm fine. Do you have a quill? Yes, I'll just take one of these feathers out of your hat and I'll dip it in some ink here. There you are. It's nice that we have this ink here at the tall table. Much as a grudge, yes. Yes, well, I was drinking the ink.

Uh, because I felt I wasn't getting enough, um... ...inquieness. Hey, you sure, you don't have to lie. You just like the taste of it. I love the taste of ink. Is it better than ale? Nah, it is not better than ale, but sometimes you just need to mix it up. Oh, may I get you something to drink? Would you like a King's juice or a rainbow bowl?

A dark ale? I would love a King's juice. Oh, that's, that's Chunch's favorite too. It's an ale with a little bit of her raspberry in it. I'll be right back. No, wait, hey, Pox. You didn't ask, I would have another one. I didn't have to drink.

How long have you been friends with him? It's like six and a half years. Well, you know co-workers. Work friends. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I have a few of those, they're their burglars. Sure, so wait, so you're definitely not a burglars. But you have a bunch of friends that are burglars.

A few of you. Sure. bunch of friends that are burglars. A few of you. Sure. Lou, can I ask you how you mentioned that all of the water evaporated from your land. And I may have missed it. What is the name of your land again?

The name of my land is Capsloxia. Capsloxia? Yes, Capsloxia. Capsloxia, everyone most likely normally when conversing in our native tongue, we're always screaming. Oh, I see, yeah, exactly. It seems like everyone would be very big and bold. Two and two of us are at an extent.

I would say I'm one of the medium-sized Capsloxians. If you would like a taste of our native to our native tongue. SCARY BUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUBBUB Ah, King's juice for you, a King's juice for Chantwood here, a Chantwood for me, and a little more ink. Uh, uh, so Ludwig, all of the water evaporated. Oh, he's downing that King's juice. I mean, I guess he must be very thirsty. We should have offered you something to drink earlier. You'd become very hungry with no water. None. I haven't had water. Or, or King's juice. I've never hadinating for about three weeks. Oh, hi. I've been hallucinating for six and a half years. Well, I suppose, uh, do you need water?

I'd be happy to go get you some. Hawks, bring water back to the table for everyone. Even the honey. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey.

I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey.

I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm going to go get some honey. I'm suppose do you need water? I'd be happy to go get you some. Hawks, bring water back to the table for everyone. Even the honey. No, yeah, I would... Can I put in another order if I wanted anything else? They are already gone. Okay. Is there bacon here?

Oh yes, there's bacon. We love bacon. Could they add some bacon to my water, please? Hawks, return to me. Some bacon in that water, please. Thank you. It... It lowers my consumption time. Hawks, return to me! Some bacon in that water please. Thank you. It lowers my consumption time. I can eat and drink. I don't know. Oh, sure.

Pass! Smart. Smart. Yeah. Well, I'm back from the bathroom. Ludwig? Ludwig? Ludwig. Ludwig. I have to say. Ludwig is my father.

Oh, my apologies. I have to say, everyone in the tavern is buzzing about your ensemble. Do you mind, besides your thigh patch, and I see that you have a argyle pattern sword? Do you mind telling us about the rest of your outfit you're wearing? Very fashionable. Well, I very impressed that you've noticed my argyle sword. It's only the finest of swordsmen. Notice how how technically sound this sword is, but as far as the finest of swordsmen. Notice how technically sound this sword is.

But as far as the rest of my ensemble, as I have this delicious violet coat upon my person, the pale flapping in the wind made of nothing but the finest silks and velvet. Oh, it's lovely. It's a... I've never seen a garment so fine. I suppose that all your pilfering has allowed you to purchase such great garments. Or perhaps you stole the garment itself?

Well, this was made for me by someone that I kidnapped. Oh. They were very kind about the entire situation. A very big mix-up. It's a very long story. But I got this fantastic jacket out of it to the point where I don't even wear shirts anymore. Honestly, it just feels so good up against my flesh. Sure.

Well, and may I say, you're really pulling it off. I, some people, could not get away with wearing such a beautiful coat with nothing underneath, but you look fine. Oh, thank you very much. I, I, I, I I have heard tales of different dimensions, different worlds, and there was a man caught my eye. I believe he was a man.

He may have been an alpha, a magician of some sort. His name I believe was possibly Prince. Ah, just a fantastic possible person. And I feel like I've attempted to acquire his look. I feel like if I what you need someone like himself or I feel like there was another another what is the name. It was crack crack. Leonard Leonard Crabbit I believe. What's his name? Oh you're thinking of yes Leonard Crabbit. There was a man named Leonard who fell into a crevice and he tried to, he tried to get out from under the rock, he kept trying to roll from under the rock and he

rock and he'd roll and then he had a nose ring and he eventually got out of it. He told his tale in song form across the universe and everyone loved it and Prince of course was born to royalty but was wished away in kidnapped before he could be named. So he only had that one name, Prince. Yeah. The uncrowned king. Yes. One would say, yes. This man Leonard was underneath the rock.

Yeah, stuck in a crevice, I think. Yeah. Just a two. He was the only one that fell in because he was talking to everybody. And he was like, hey, guys, are you gonna go my way? And then no one followed him. I mean, he's the one that fell in.

Well, I wonder if he's a good chef. I would like to smell what he's cooking. But I wouldn't be. Well, he did hit rock bottom, but I hear he's pulling himself up from his bootstrap, so that's good, that's good. Fantastic for him. Yes, yes.

So, Ludwig, can I ask, you said you were here to take back what is yours from your land? Like, what brings you to nibble bottom exactly? Since all of the water has left my land and we have become land pirates, as we are very, very proud land pirates, We wish to one day become pirates of the sea once again to sail the the 19 seas of this world. Some filled with salt, some filled with ash, some filled with with dolphins galore. We must have a chance. Oh Arnie, if you haven't tried dolphins galore, it is delicious. The some say that the chicken of the sea Just their cowards their cowards They breathe out at the top of their head how much more scared can you get breathe through your mouth fools?

Look, I love nature and I love all sorts of animals But everyone knows that dolphins are cowards and that they should just swim to the bottom of the ocean and shut up If I'm being like my friend Lisa and I'm being totally frank, dolphins are cowards. Your friend Lisa who's always so Frank? Yes. I like a little monkey friends too. In the sea, are we talking of the same sea? The dolphins there, they're multicolored correct? Yes, that's it and there's rainbows that kind of shoot around them.

Like it's very, it's very busy, it's a very busy sea, but I guess kids like it. Yes, and I feel like they're constantly selling some sort of school paraphernalia, whether it be pens or folders, whenever we were in this sea world, constantly, constantly, badgered North-East by these dolphins. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and keep her. Mmm. But she got a well, so. I don't think all kids like these things.

I think I know about 90s kids that like them. Mmm. About 90 kids? Yeah, that's about it. Just 90 kids. 90 kids, like them? Only 90. That's very small numbers for such a large company. You know, if you're a 90s kid, you'd probably like it. Yeah, I know about 90 kids now.

Yeah, I know about 90 kids who like gack you know gack Yeah, he's a real jerk. I hate gack one time he came up to me and he poked me right in the eye and he said I'm stuck on you bud. Yeah, and gack stands for Gremlin always cramudge and Lee He doesn't even spell cramudge and right. Don't get he smells over the K K with cramogen how damn it tried to correct him on that boy. Oh boy He'll give you any of your full this actually is is very interesting because the the idea of gack I was unaware that you were aware of gack because He happens to be the person that I'm looking for oh Wow if tails are correct the, as it evaporated,

it did not evaporate on its own. Gack created a device to steal the water because from what I understand after a certain time, if Gack ingest this water, this, this I believe, some people, for the two of us, H2O, then Gack can multiply and Gack will take over the world, and my land pirates and I are here to stop him. Oh, can you, Arne, can you imagine all the 19 seas and foon turn to just pure Gac?

Ugh, just a texture alone. Ugh, yeah, especially that salty sea, like salty Gac. No, thanks. Well, I was talking to Gac the other day, and he was bragging about his vessel of everwater, but I don't think that's related. That's exactly it. He's also talking about his bathtub full of everclear. And I was like, yeah. That's a Gak problem.

We're dealing with a lot of other stuff. That's not what we're talking about. Did he also have the punching bag of the last? No, I think so. He does, he's got that too. He's training, he's training. Well, I suppose if you want to confront Gak, he is staying just down the street at the Lazy Horseshoe,

and I know that it's another tavern here in town. And he, he often, during the day, is wide awake and looking sort of scuriously around, afraid that someone's coming for him. But I happen to know he sleeps with his window open. I know, because there are a million hawks here, and they tell me everything. Well, after we have this fantastic conversation, which I don't want to leave, because we have such a fantastic time, I think I might creep into his window,

and I will not burgl from him, because that's the previously stated. I am not a burglar. Yeah, of course, of course. I will pillage, because that's what I do as a pirate. I have a little bit of Viking blood as well. Oh. It's a touch. Just a touch.

I got in a fight and got someone who was technically blood-brothers, I believe, for people referred to me as. Well, we probably should take a quick break here, and maybe that's enough time to go do your pillaging and then come back and let us know how to wait. Fantastic. I will also use his restroom. Oh, we're back. That was a little bit longer of a break than usual, and I've got to say, Ludwig, you are covered in blood. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, hard. Meaty. Oh, Jack, I found him. And he was sleeping. He hadn't had a chance. You see this archival sword I got also, also covered in blood. Yeah.

But you know what the busyness of the pattern makes is so you don't notice the blood so much. Exactly. It makes me feel just likely less intimidating. So you're underestimating me. And then your arms are missing. I gotta say that all that blood is making that velvet pop. Exactly why I work, Ludwig.

Yes, yes I will say today I am serving. You know with an archile sword do you ever worry about getting in a fight with someone with like a polka dot sword and you're like this is gonna clash. Ooh, that's a very good point. I hope I never do, but I would have to throw my sword down and just defeat them with my hands. Oh, you're an excellent hand fighter as well, I hear. Uh, more foot to face. Ah, for me. But that's a way to go with it, right? Because it just feels like it's, you're not gonna get your hands dirty for one.

No, no, no. That's for the next snapping and the back cracking. But the feet attacking an opponent with your feet to me adds a certain level of disrespect. Because I do not wash my feet. Who does? Yes, exactly. They are covered in your... Because you don't have no water in your whole land.

Exactly, but now! Ha-ha-ha-ha! The boys are going to be so excited when I get home. Oh, is that it? Is that it right there? Is that the vessel of ever water? Yeah, it's huge, right? Oh, it's very big. The ones I heard it for me.

Thank you, Hawks. Little, we got to ask, you didn't come here on the vessel of evermore. You came in that ship that's parked out front. How do you, I'm just a little confused. How do you steer and drive a pirate ship on land? Because you made it here. Yes, when the, the, the, the, we were losing so much money from not having any water.

We couldn't steal from any tourists. So in converting our boats, we added these, I believe they're called pedals. I'm not great with construction. And we have tourists come in and they sit on the boats and they move with the pedals and we serve them drinks and things like that. We play music.

We have a bar there telling tales. and we travel from town to town to these people. And so I actually drove here, I actually stopped off on a tour, so I've got the tourists engaging in the town right now, so I'm probably going to have to go at some point. But that's why I'm here. Can I just say that that sounds amazing to be on and really annoying if you're not on it to see it go by? Oh.

And probably hit for bachelor-let parties. It's fantastic. This is actually a bachelor slash bachelor at party. The folks is so large, they don't even have to see each other. There's a casino in here as well. It's fantastic. There's an arcade, there's games, there's magic shows. It's great.

So it's a party where bachelor's and bachelor ats have a sword fight? I mean, if they decide to do so, behind closed doors, not my business. Yeah that's true. Now I have to ask, uh, this business model you found yourself in. I imagine it might be even more profitable than a pirate team. Uh, it's starting to turn out that way and I'm actually debating not bringing the water back even though everyone is so terribly thirsty this but this money you get it you get it I don't I don't see anything but this cheddar if you will and so it might be a

thing where we now can bring water wherever we are and we can sell it you could know that's that's a good idea. You could sell the water, but you could also continue to have boats filled with tourists on the water. Mm. Yeah, use all that cheddar to make baby biscuits, and you can serve them baby biscuits while they're in the sea. That sounds incredible.

Which, am I on that? Someone told me once from another dimension of a show with about a tank of sharks. Are we doing that? Are we doing the tanks of sharks? Oh, you bring up a very good point. I feel like I might be willing to invest in this and I, you can only pick one of the three of us to invest in this opportunity.

Well, I would also like to invest, but I would like to make an offer that surpasses Arnold's offer. I haven't even heard my offer. Well, I will surpass it. Okay, well, you know what, I surpass yours. Okay, well, I want to enter the free here. I'm a good friend of Shark Bluefinn, who's a very, very wealthy shark. And he always says to get steak in the company. So Ludwig, I'm willing to invest in your company

for a nine ounce steak. Ooh, nine. I, what's about eight point five and introduce me to your friend, Lisa? Deal. And you're asked. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, give me a chance, like, I don't want a stake,

I just want a piece of the pie. So if you just give me a piece of pie, then I'll invest in your company. What flavor of pie would you like, young Arnold? Something young, hold on, young Arnold. Maybe that's my new name on this show everybody is And young Arnold flesh is clear his eyes are gorgeous his hair is a maculet of course He's young Arnold what else would we call him?

I'm just gonna treat myself right between seasons. So every listener just know I'm looking good. I just call him sheldon Stop saying I'm a shell of my former self. You're a shell and you're done. You're done with me. Damn, I can't. I can't beat that piece of pie deal. Damn. Would you also like a piece of pie? Come on, you said, or there's got to be another metaphor you could try to bid with. Uh, sure. I just want a cut. I just want a cut. Just cut me right here. Ah, done. Ow!

Now your blood brothers with a gap. Wait, you know, no, no, no. I'll settle for a whole enchilada. Huh. Ooh, I can give half. Belinda's enchiladas are too delicious to give away, whole. Hmm. But she's on the boat. If you would like one, I could have a cookie one right now. Yeah. I gotta say, I'm getting hungry. This conversation is making me really hungry. Oh Ludwig, what do land pirates tend to eat?

Because typically I would assume pirates catch fish and forge from the ocean, but being on land with no water, what do you've been eating lately? When the water all went away, we had to completely change our way of life. And as we traveled searching for a new town to stay in with people and things to do, we found an area where they spoke a language different from ours. I don't know if you realized earlier, I hit you with a muchas gracias. I believe the language is espann-nal, espann-nal, espann-nal. I think the language unfamiliar even to me.

Yes. And so we've picked up a little bit of their ways. So we have been eating nothing but kiz-kiz-kiz-kiz-dias. I believe they are. Wow, a whole case of dias. That sounds filling. It's a lot. Eat really is. Yeah, I've never heard of this language, but...

Something inside me is making me want to say, Unpoco, Seewud, Unpoco and... Uh, Umbarito, Pofoval is one of the ways you can ask for food. They're delicious. Yeah. Just a fantastic group of people.

Sounds great. And I don't know the language either, but for something to make me want to say, Mountain Dew Baha Blast I think they are the originators of the the Baha Blast I know the in the country next to them. They originated the Mountain Dew with I believe the chemical yellow six Is involved in some way she perform and I'm saying I said I cannot drink this But when the bar blast was

Introduced to the game changed. Oh, so it's a beverage. I thought it was a powerful magical spell I'm less interested now. Well, you should be like you were ordering a mountain to do something You story yellow six is a potion. It was concocted by an evil mage to make a drink so delicious So sugary saccharine, sweet, so clawingly delicious that you can't stop drinking it. What a deal. Yeah, they called code right on that whole drink. They tried to ban it, but it's, it's

slipped back into the, into the realm. What a diabolical plan. Well, it's not, it's not diabolical. Well, maybe they do have diabolical. Oh, sorry. Possibly. I know there was another issue, some sort of surge in the system.

I get very excited when this would occur. Yeah, I know about 90s kids who had a surge. And they lifted an absolute fruit topia. It was beautiful. Ah, I feel like I remember them maybe, maybe snapping, snapping, telling jokes. Yeah, off the top of their head, they'd say a fact, and it's like, yes, this fact sucks. I don't need to know how many apples are in a bush, we'll get out of here.

And then a lot of this. My next task is clear. I shall find this mage of the yellow six, and I shall defeat him, and I shall cast a spell on him, that puts him into a deep slumber, and then it will be more like a mellow yellow. Oh. Oh. Lute-wish. Just a moment before when we were still on the break, you also mentioned you're also in town to kill someone named Mr. Pib. My arch-nemesis.

Oh, Pib, of course, standing for pirates? I'm beating. Beating. Mr. Daniel Swartzheimer Pib. No. He's... when I see him, my skin begins to boil as... as if there was some type of chemical that just creates bubbles inside of my stomach and I begin to

belch uncontrollably I must defeat him. Oh, you should see Dr. Pepper. Yeah. And that sounds like a bad condition. If you're that's happening to your body, I'm very concerned about you. Well, my healthcare only allows me to see Dr. Mario. Oh, Dr. Mario sucks. You have to line up all your pills correctly. I hate it.

No. It's very confusing. I've had asthma and many conditions over the years, and the other reason I can't get past them is because I don't know how to stack the pills correctly. And he's yelling at me. There's, there's a grill in it. That's where I met GAC for the first time. It's, this is all a mess. It's all a mess. Yes, like, Dr. put them in a bottle or something. Like, don't just throw them at me like... He's willy-nilly. I... Don't just drop them from above.

Just throw in henfuls of them. I have a confession to make. Dr. Mario. It's a me. What? I've been doctor... What of my secret names I've never revealed before? I have always been Dr. Mario.

I'm very sorry. I'm not really a health care provider. To be clear, it's spelled not how you'd guess for legal reasons. Yes, yes, spelled nothing like what it sounds like. Well I have something to admit. You know, Arnie, every once in a while, when you went to visit Dr. Mario and he had that brother of his, that squeegee, that was always saying, crash things. That's me, lude squeegee. Oh, I should have known, lude squeegee was you.

I'm a nasty little boy. Well, I have something to admit as well. Uh-oh. Oh, no. I'm not as familiar with Nintendo references. What? I'm sorry, Arnie, but this joke isn't another castle. Lou, do I get... You're what you are a peach. Yeah.

Yeah, he is a peach, isn't he? Yes, just a... You know, a lot of fuzzy man peach. A lot of people come on this show and they give Arnie a hard time because Chantanai give Arnie a hard time, but I want to remind everyone listening that Arnie is one of my best friends in the entire world.

Yeah, and look, I do have to say, already it might be a total peach, but you kind of look like a new daisy. Are you a part of the new daisy? Do you like that? Are you a fan of it? Ah, your statement is correct. Yes, it is. Because there was the old daisy,

and she wasn't quite as good, but the new daisy. Top notch. Love it. New daisy. I believe the clan, the new daisies are very much friends with your friend Lisa. Actually, oh wow. Yes, very, very much the similar aesthetic.

From what I have, very colorful, bright, bold. Love it, love it. Do you have any, before we let you go, Ludwig, I do have to ask, you know, my friend used to or kind of wears these blue robes with bird crap on them Arnie wears his pink polo and jeans I just have my black and white fur Do you have any you know it's not every day we meet a lamp I read but more importantly It's not every day we meet a fashionista. Do you have any tips or trends?

So we could kind of you know up our game. Oh, yes For excuse me is it is a usador usador. I want to make sure I'm saying oh it's you should all with the twelfth rail mother feces master of light and shadow manipulator of magilalites devour of chaos champion of the great holes a truckous known to the elves as fying y'all like known to the dwarves as zone and hook stangies and uh yeah they have blah blah blah blah blah i've what a fantastic name my my first piece of advice would be for you as you said you have uh... mid-many hawks yes they're all circling now Fantastic name. My first piece of advice would be for you. As you said, you have Mid-Many Hawks. Yes. Yeah, they're all circling now. It would be very interesting to me if they would lay upon your person as you are clothing

Wow Well, let me whisper to the lead hawk and see if they are willing to do so Tony come here He was a tiger No, this Tony's a hawk. Huh. That hawk looks like Tony. But it is also no. I also know Tony the tiger. We're also friends. Is that Howard?

I'm not Howard. The hawk's duck. Oh, that's a duck. That's a duck. Oh. I also know the soprano whose name Tony. Do you know what the hawk's name is? Is Hudson here?

Yeah, Hudson's here. That's him over there. Okay, not a lot son is? Is Hudson here? Yeah, Hudson's here. That's him over there. Okay, not a lot of people have seen Hudson. We're good reason. Shhh. Tony has agreed. Hawks come to me and become my new garments. Ah!

This is very heavy. Why? I really hawk in your wares. Oh, your hawk outfit looks incredible. One second, I hear a cap's lock scene. Skimming my butt back! Skimming my butt back! Skimming my butt back!

Skimming my butt back! Skimming my butt back! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah a fantastic time at the table, but my cabs, Locksians, are telling me that the tourists, they're back on, and if we don't get moving, we're gonna lose some of that cheddar. I was talking about some of that green, some of that guap, some of that coin, that gold, that money, mula. Yeah, absolutely.

If you have to discover that it'll be, bap, bap, bap, bap, bop, bop, bop, bop, go. And we can't stop you. So, um, thank you so much for spending time with us. Yes, it has truly been all honor to have you sit at this very tall table with us. The pleasure is all mine, and I would love to come back someday. You, you fell as a fantastic. The door's open.

Whenever you have, whenever you have, I'll have to kill somebody. So, it's on. All right, let me run down down and we're not heating the neighborhood Oh, sorry the doors unlocked. It's not open. Yeah, okay Some people don't know how to use doors so well, so I'd like to keep it open. I do have problems with them sometimes Well, thank you again, Ludwig. I will see you soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you and to of the... You said this was being transmitted somewhere. Yes, well sort of.

Yeah, I don't need to go into the technology of it, but yeah, that's okay. Okay. I have a friend, a very dear friend who was, we call them a dimension hopper. And he always tells me, if I am ever meeting people from other dimensions as yourself, young, beautiful Arnold Arnold to tell them to to to follow I don't know the vernacular

that he uses follow he says at Austin Creed wins I don't know what this means but he says there's multiple platforms where people are talking and it will help him in his endeavors whatever it is that he's doing. I'm not sure, I've got my tourist boat. I'm doing it. Yeah, absolutely. We'll have all our listeners hop on that. Thank you, he'll like me for that. He'll bring some of that shedder next time he comes through.

Well, I want to say, what is my mouth and tongue doing? I'd be all, see, I'd be all, see me, amigos. Oh, he's going to the sea. He's going back to the sea, of course. Sea. Well, that was delightful. I had such a wonderful time getting to know Ludwig. I'd love to have him back and learn more about Ludwig and find out he was. His son, Ludwig? I thought his father was named Ludwig. Oh, hey, maybe instead of Ludwig, I'll be Ludwig. Oh, hey, maybe instead of Lud Squeegee, I'll be Ludwig.

Oh. You put me on top of your head, you think you got a fun little wig and then I start seeing nasty little things and all of a sudden you're like, oh no, my wig. You know, sometimes people, when they come through nibble bottom, they just have a shorter window of time

that they're in nibble bottom, you know? But it's still delightful. So, you know, it was like I'm visiting the town and I've got a heart out, but it's always good. Yes, but then we're contractually obligated to keep talking. Ah, no, no. And don't forget, Arnie, I told you

and I sent you this contract, so I have a heart in. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm still trying to litigate that as much as possible. So, and should talk to HR. Henry Richardson? Oh, HR. Henry Richardson? Oh, who's Henry Richardson? He's the guy you can talk to about things that bother you. Hmm, it's pretty nice.

Oh, wait, Arnie, yeah? Well, you sort of got all those beautiful hawks covering him. It's a new kind of outfit. But we never got anything. How about we do each other? Let's make over each other. Okay. Have you ever thought about wearing a pink pola?

I mean, I've dreamt about it. Would you sell me a tiny one? I can try. You know, I've been pretty busy apprenticing as a Cooper in town, but I guess I... How's that going? You know, it's going pretty well. I'm still not sure what a Cooper does. Well, they drink off you and eat pie, right? That's what pretty well. I'm still not sure what a Cooper does.

Well, they drink coffee and eat pie, right? That's what I thought. That's what I thought going into it. So far, we've mostly been cutting wood and elongating metal and turning those into barrels, but I don't know what we're making. Like, but whatever it is, it's gotta fit in the barrel. I think you got it.

I gotta figure it out. I don't know. I'm just gonna, but you know, I'm gonna print this. I'm not gonna learn everything on day one. I think I know what goes in the barrels. A lot of people stuff monkeys in those. The no nail shut the top and just roll it down at ill. It's pretty fun when they come pouring out.

Yeah, it's pretty fun. Whatever we put in there, I hope it's funnier than that. Screw you. Let's see here. I'm going to, let's see how to make over Arnie. Oh, here we go. Let me take off your glasses. Let me wipe this paint off your overalls.

Why are you wearing overalls today? I mean, let down your hair. Oh, wow. He's all that. He's gorgeous. Right. This whole time. I've been saying all episode.

Ludwig was right. You are young and vivacious. And beautiful Arnold. Oh, here, roll up the sleeves on your... You always hide your cannonballs. You got such big cannonballs. My, to be clear, you're talking about my arms. Your biceps. Yep. Oh. I should to be clear, you're talking about my arms. Your biceps?

Yep. I should have asked him to the problem, I had the chance. You should not, don't tell him about that bet we had. That'll ruin everything. Oh. Maybe I will and maybe I won't. But this algebra homework isn't going to do itself. Uh, okay.

Hand me the algebra homework. All right. So, okay. Uh, write down tree here. Okay. Make a little circle over here. Draw an X. Sign my name.

There you go. It's all done. This is the most brilliant algebra I've ever seen. It's not correct, but it's done. Ah, but it's beautiful. I'll need to ask him to prom when I had the chance. Anyway, does anyone need a drink? Ooh, you know what? I'll try.

You made ink sounds so good, Yusudor, when you're talking about it. Could I get a squid sucker? Um, it's just nice to kind of have the ink straight from the source. Yeah, okay, squid sucker for you. And I'll have another, I'll have a Dark Ale, Ony would you like anything? Please, you said or it's beautiful Arnold Yeah, you know I heard that Menta's the mental merchant has started offering some of his drinks here at the tavern Because I'll have a mental teeny. I think they've worked it out. So it's it's not as powerful. You can just like get a slight taste of emotion

All right, I'll be right back. Bugs! A slight taste of emotion. Arnie, that's the title of your book. I know. I've been working on it for six and a half years. Chun, yeah, you gotta stop doing use of the door's homework for him. He's never gonna learn if you just do it for him. But I thought I was helping him out. I'm a fray and ride.

I mean, it seems like he's kind of taking advantage of me when he shoves it off to me, but I gotta help him out. He's going through a tough timing as all these classes. Well, also, you're not really helping because you clearly also don't know Algebra. What does that mean? I mean, what the hell does that mean?

Then I'm just saying. No, Arnie, now that you sir's gone, please, what does algebra mean? I don't know either! It's kind of sounds like allergies? Shh! Here, here, here, here, here, here, drinks. Uh, at the bar, I saw algebra teacher, and it turns out that she thinks we shouldn't be in that class,

or any classes, since we're full grown adults. Wait, you're telling me? Sorry, I can't comprehend this adults wait you're telling me sorry I can't comprehend this magic you're telling me our teachers exist outside of school I guess so I am easy right I cannot imagine running into one what it I do was she dressed like a normal while All this happened, but she was dressed much like she is at school Miss Dowager and she uh she had a hat with a lot of feathers in it, more feathers than I've ever seen in a hat.

Wow. Weird, weird. I think a lot of them might have been from the hawks, sort of like, oh, so many hawks, so much. Yeah, yeah, they're still coming in just by the dozens, by the hour, every hour. You used to already have like a timetable for how long it's gonna take to like cycle all these hawks through town. Yeah, do your timetables, do your timetables right

now. Do my timetables, do Arnham, taking back my power. Do my timetables. Chancell Mark, two times two, it's four, two times three. Is that right? Why don't we sign up for that basic math class too? Magic. Three times three is a spell so unspeakable that I shent air. I turned it aloud. Three times four is 12. Four times four is an unspeakable horror from the depths of hell that if air was... Hold on, you sir. Don't do any more of the homework. I think maybe we'll do a classroom Patreon or something. Okay.

Don't waste it all on me. Yeah, it sounds like a good bonus thing. Remember, now that you've heard the entire recording, make sure to enter our online when should the episode have Ended Contest? Should it have ended three minutes ago? 11 minutes ago? Should the episode have ended shortly after it began? All answers valid.

Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chant the talking badger was played by Adolf Refyre. Ludwig the Land Pirate was played by special guest Austin Creed. You may know Austin as the WWE wrestler and current reigning King of the Ring Xavier Woods. Follow him on Twitter at Austin Creed Winds to keep up with his podcast, his YouTube Gaining Channel, and more. Hello from the Magic Tavern is a fully independent production, and if you'd like to support the show contrary to the warnings of all your friends, check us out at patreon.com slash magic tavern. You get ad-free episodes and two new bonus episodes every month, some in character some not like there's a difference.

Here's a quick clip from a recent Patreon bonus episode with some behind the scenes talk. Hawk. If from my opinion, there is almost no downside to it. Like truly dead. Truly, we would be in a ditch dead if Matt was not as he's the most responsible of us by far. You can say in or attentive. And here's a thing, we all offer our own things to the experience. Me, I read signs.

Oh, yes. Was this what you're going for? I can't believe it in I forgot all about this. I can't remember what tree was. It's probably multiple trips, but I think at some point I was in the backseat and I called out Arnie Hart because every billboard he passed,

he'd be like, huh, Kentucky fried chicken, new sandwiches. And I'm like, Arnie, you read every sign like you're a 90 year old man. I read them out loud, it gives me pleasure, and I fully admit that it's not even like, I look. Some of them, I'm like, there's something a bucket about this sign, but a lot of them aren't. They're just boring, and I still say them out loud. It's a lot of like, I'm halfway asleep and then I just hear Jacob's hardware. Huh. like I'm halfway asleep and then I just hear Jacob's hardware huh. To learn more about hearing the rest of that, check out patreon.com slash magic

tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neekampt, Matt Young in Adolf Refy, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Anna Haverman, special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Today's episode sponsored by the Institute for the Promotion and Advancement of Hawk Sounds. As their jingle says,

had enough of recordings where humans whisper or talk, eardrums go gaga for recordings of Hawk. Please tell me they didn't pay someone for that.