Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 4 - Claudia Visits

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

An old friend, Claudia the Witch, visits Nibblebottom to pursue some dicey business ventures.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungClaudia: Beth MelewskiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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seasons and will be common-law-married. When we last left off, I said some stuff at the beginning of last week's episode. Then a bunch of things happened in the middle, and then I kind of swooped in at the end to Sullenberger the whole thing. Again. And you're all caught up. So sit back. Think about your love of meticulous, patient storytelling,

and get ready to put that aside for 41 to 46 minutes. And enjoy the show. Tom, Thomas, no, we can't do that. What? An anti-raid? So we sneak in and we steal a bunch of ants. The creatures are the... Okay. I see.

Okay. And what would be my role in all this? Tom is. It's Thomas. I'm so role in all this? Thomas. It's Thomas. I'm so sorry, excuse me, Thomas. It's time to start the podcast. Oh, I'm conking a scheme with my friend Thomas Foolery. You know the fancy pig in town.

He is so fancy. Oh, I'm sorry, Thomas. You are so fancy. Oh, he's very tickled by that. See his fancy little trousers and his quaffed little hair? Sure, what a fancy little pig. And his fancy. He has a riding crop, but he doesn't ride.

Oh, really? Is it just an affectation? I believe so. He kind of uses it as a cane. And he kind of waxed me on the shoulder every once in a while. Thomas, stop. Oh, he's faking me Making it a little weird

Well speaking is faking I should spank myself up to the tall table. Yeah, let's get to the tall table. We got to start the show What we were doing down there. Oh, we're talking to Thomas Foolery, you know the fancy little pig in town. Oh, yes I know Thomas Foolery was there some reason you didn't call me over. Oh, I guess I just um, oh this is awkward I guess I was just sitting here at the table with yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess I assume you're always busy just I think because of how loud you are I just always busy. Oh, yes, I am very busy. And you're usually talking to your adoring fans whispies We we figure you're pretty busy these days. Oh, yes, very busy too busy for friendship

And there's something with the loose ends, but for some reason I can't remember what it was So we have a concert tonight. What? We have a concert tonight. No big deal. You and the loose ends? Yeah, you don't have to come. Oh, thank God this is. Oh. Okay, okay. Okay, all right guys, we gotta start the podcast. No, no, Arnie, we want to start the podcast.

That's right. Guys, we want to start the podcast. Yeah. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Hello weekly. What I was just responding to you. Oh, hello. Hello from the magic From the magic tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host beautiful Arnold If you've never listened to podcast before this is everything you to know. A little over six and a half years ago, I felt like a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of... You're really dining out on that compliment, aren't you? Well, I just got to say, Ludwig called me beautiful Arnold and I was like, you know what?

That is me right now, I've kind of had a little bit of a glow up in the last couple months, and I'm just gonna embrace that. And I think the listeners wanna know that I'm looking good. I, here you are, looking exquisite, Arnold, I've noticed myself. But sometimes people say things just to be polite

or attend events, just because they feel obliged to support their friends. Hmm, should I be going by beautiful Arnold or exquisite art? Should I do that anti-raid with Thomas Foulery? Maybe I should attend that event. Thanks, Yusudor. You knew just what to say. Anyway, we're recording this podcast in the tavern, the Strange Familiar, in the village

of nibble bottom, at the base of the unnamable mountain, in the magical land of fume, and I am joined as always by these two creeps. What? What the fuck did you call us creeps? I'm just mixing things up a little bit. You get called beautiful, then you make us creeps, fuck you. I can't stay mad at you, I love you. Oh, thank you. You you said or I've noticed now that I'm so beautiful people

forgive me a lot more quickly for things well it is true that people tend to allow beautiful people to get away with murder but also you must be very careful with this came back because. Because eventually people will get tired of your nonsense and your selfishness and they'll turn on you like the rats that they are. You could put on all the concerts you wanted. No one would come, even though they said they loved you. Arnie, look, I bought you a drink

and I bought you some food just because you're so handsome. I just feel like I want to give you stuff. I bought you some food just because you're so handsome. I just feel like I want to give you stuff. So this is a virgin red potion. Don't get any ideas. And then this is a shrimp fried rice. Can you believe I shrimp fried this rice? I just made up that joke right now. Can you believe that?

Oh, Chuchu, you're so funny. Yeah, that's the first time that jokes have ever been used. And I'm the one who made it. Isn't that wild? Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hair's getting in my way. I'm gonna put the tuck it behind my ear here a little bit. Wow.

You keep using this metaphor of no one going to a concert. I don't really know what's up with that. Well, it's not important, really. It's just, um... Oh, then let's move on. Okay. Oh, you know what? And what?

Chicken butt? Yes. Well, chicken butt is here. Wait, that, the house that walks around on chicken legs, and all it, and all it shows it's butt, the house that doesn't wear pants, it's chicken butt. Hey chicken butt. Hey chicken, hey chicken butt, we're over here.

What a weird house. Yeah, no, no, no, don't come over here chicken butt. No, no, no, no, you know they, no, no, no, no, no. You know, they say that a witch lives in there. Oh, really? Yeah. Inside the house or the butt? Inside the house.

I guess around here a lot of houses have chicken legs, and I guess that's where a lot of witches reside. Oh, yes, there are many witches around nibble bottom. It's a well-known witch's haven. There are a few covens here and there and a lot of chicken-like houses, so it's a popular witch spot. What's the difference between a haven and a cover?

Well, a haven is somewhere where you go to find safety. A cover is a specific subgroup where you have a particular kinship with a set of witches that you perhaps do spells or rituals together with. Perhaps you go out and you look at the moon together and collect blood or You know just which stuff. Hmm lick a frog. Now. I always thought it was pronounced coven. Nope Well according the movie I saw never mind. Oh wait, there's there's someone stepping out of chicken by Whoa Oh wait there's there's someone stepping out of chicken by Whoa

Well Claudia oh my goodness to my eyes to see me my deceit for gray eyes Oh, it's the three dingolings. That's us. Oh my gosh. Three dingolins. You said, or you look lovely. Oh, thank you.

Covered in hawkshit. Trying to you. Oh, you old furbag and Arnie. Mm-hmm. Ah. You. Eh. Yeah. You. Eh. Yeah. You. Oh, anyways, it's good to see you three.

Ha ha ha ha. I had so good to see you. We haven't seen you in quite a while. Well, you know, I've been hanging out and chicken butt while things calm down a little bit around here, but I feel a little more comfortable, you know, being back here with all my witch bitches Hangin out in town, so oh, it's good to see you three cats meow meow

Meow meow indeed Please join us have a drink. May I get you something from the ball? Oh, yes, I would love a putrid piss One putrid piss. One putrid piss? Chant, what would you like? Well, now I gotta try it. You won't regret it! You won't regret it, Chant. Are there other putrid drinks?

Because the way you said that, it made me feel like you're like, I want a putrid, but will do I want a putrid piss or a putrid? Well, there's the double putrid. Um, you could also get the putrid uh, penis and then the putrid park mark, but the piss is really the best. Oh, okay, huh. I'm gonna stick with this virgin red potion I think. No, but I, it's good to see you guys. Yeah, already you are a bit of a pussy. I'm not in the market for more nicknames. I'll be right back. Hawks! I believe there's shirt flies him around now.

I know. I wonder if he's paying them. I, oh, Arnie Claudia, I heard rumor that you saw her. You know how he has a suit made of living hawks? Yes. I heard that he's going to make an even better suit out of a home. I'm not going to be in a good mood. I'm not going to be in a good mood. Oh, Arnie, Claudia, I heard rumor that you saw her. You know how he has a suit made of living hawks?

I heard that he's going to make an even better suit out of 101 hawks. Wow, 101. Well, I'm going to be honest with you. There's already some talk in the town about all the hawks shit that's laying around the cobblestone. So he better watch his step and everybody else too. You know what I mean? Cloddy, what brings you to nibble bottom?

Well, I was meeting up with my number one Covin. Oh, so it's not Covin? No, it's not Covin, it's Covin, yeah. Actually, gentlemen, I'm glad you're here. I might have a little bit of an opportunity for you. I'm I'm selling witch oils So this would might be your opportunity to get in on the ground floor, you know I had some incense some amulets. I sold smoothies all of that was shit hot garbage, but now Witch oils is the way to go? I'm gonna tell ya what, it cures what ails ya.

It's gonna fix your eyeballs, sew up your knots, make your chest look like a million bucks. I'm so sorry, I just wanna just, I gotta dive in here for a second. I get the eyeball. It's gonna sew up our nuts. Yeah, I have two bags when you can have one, okay? Makes sense to me.

Thank you. Chad, now we're talking. Yeah. So all I need is a $6,000 investment. And you guys could be on the ground floor. $6,000? Yeah, whatever you got. Shackles, strings, sticks.

Oh, and Arnie, I went to told Claudia that on Earth you have dollars and I told her you were rich just because I was bored so do you have six thousand of your earth dollars? I don't know, Choward. We're not on ear, we'll find more work. We've gone independent. I mean, I think we're doing fine. I haven't checked. But I've heard that Conan O'Brien is a multi-millionaire.

Can I ask Claudia, how much would it cost if we didn't have our nut sewn up? Oh, actually, that costs more. So that would be like an $8,000 stick, shackle, coin investment. So it might be worth it, might be worth it. Well, what I'm shekel, coin investment. So. Might be worth it, might be worth it. Well, what I'm gonna do,

why don't you guys think about it? I'm gonna leave you with some sample oils to rub on your sacks. Yes, yes, yes. It won't turn into one forever, but maybe for like a day. Sean, you started rubbing that on your sack. I'm holding. Hold on, let me enjoy this.

Rub sack, chantey rub sack. that on your sack. Hold on, hold on, let me enjoy this. Rub sack. Chanty rub sack. Yeah, rub sack. Chanty rub sack. Yeah, your putrid piss. Pussrid piss for you, Chant. I'm just getting a strong brown ale. Sorry, it took me so long, but the entire time I was down there,

one of my nuts kept bashing into the other one. I couldn't concentrate long enough to get back up here. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. Do I have something for you? Well, Claudia, Claudia, first things first. Grab your putrid piss and let's, every piss begins with cheers.

Here we go, down the hatch. You know the old hatch? Cheers. It's good to see you guys Oh, is that a local saying here in nibble bottom because I know there's a sign that says that behind the bar here in the tavern down the hatch You'll snatch yes, it is. It's one of the oldest witch sags that has existed for eons and eons down the hatch, yelled, snatch. And now we've modernized it to say you old, it was ye old, that's what you see on the far sides.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you sort of just rub a little bit on the old hoos and see what happens. Oh, gladly. Yeah, right under the roof here. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Gladly. Yeah, right under the roof. Yeah. We're so quick to rub this stuff on their nuts. Oh, we got some on that hawks beak. Ooh, it tingles.

I know. One nut be better than one. It's getting hot. Oh, yeah. Yes, I follow the logic. I work on your set. I got it. But.

You know what? Math is not my forte. So maybe 6,000 sticks was a little too much. So, you know, like I said, I'm gonna give you some samples, take them home, see what they do with the genial sacks, and then, you know, get back to me, get back to me. You know, Arnie's in the same boat as you with math.

Arnie, you actually say math is not your five-tay. I know, it's not. Is that a joke? No, that's just how bad it matharnia is. Ah, that's a good one, I like it. Ah, yes I feel much more streamlined now. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Like if I were sitting on a large wagon with a lot of other people around me in a sort of public form of transportation, I wouldn't have to spread my legs out so far, taking up more room than is a...actually mine. I mean, my goodness. This is it right here. No robin' on your nubbin'. You, that's it. You got it. Ah, you sort of... I might have to use you for a sales pitch at some point. This is great! Oh, that'd be wonderful. I'd be happy to be a part of this sales pitch, as with anyone who's smart enough to invest. Yes. So, this little vial of oil you gave me, it says, Testy Sample? Yep, yep, Testy Sample.

And yeah, and then when you get a bigger one, you get a ball full. That's also an ancient language, just like E old. Now it's Testy Old. Yes. Yes, yes. Can I ask Claudia just to be on the safe side are there any Side effects to these oils or straight up effects? Oh straight up effects absolutely you could lose the nut completely

The nut could travel to another part of your body so you could have a near nut or a knee nut Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's bound to happen bound to happen. I hope I don't get nut part of your body so you could have an ear nut or a knee nut. That's a fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bound to happen, bound to happen after. I hope I don't get nut, but. You could get nut, but. You could get nut, but. Yeah, if you have nut, brow, nut, brow.

You're gonna be a nut, butter. Mm-hmm. Butter. So, I mean, these things are bound to happen after a couple uses. I mean, which should sell you even more, you know? Hey, so nothing terrible. I mean, you just might have some nuts on you. Which I already did.

Right, you could have multi nuts. It could just be the one nut. Um, but yeah, nothing terrible, like a head falling off or a digit for a dog, you know, nothing awful. This is chunt. This is Claudia. This is Yusudador. And we're... GENUTS! Ah ha!

It's time for our sub-podcaster, we talk about nuts. And now normally we talk about cashews or almonds or that sort of nut. But today, uh, uh, Claudia the Witch has given us a special sav that we've rubbed upon our private areas and it is combined. What was previously torn in twain into but a single unit? How you feeling, Chant? You know, I was feeling pretty good, but now I'm dreading nut buds. I hope that when I wake up tomorrow I don't have it, but if I do, it'll just be, you know, an interesting story that I'll have for the rest of my life. Well, I don't think you need to worry about it, because that, you got one coming in on your

eyelid right now. Oh, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Not lid, not lid. Give me not lid. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, boy, this is the most fun I've had in the aunts. Oh.

Clotty, you've got samples of any of your other oils like, I don't know, just any of the non-related ones. Well, Arnie, how are you looking to feel? Give me an adjective. Hmm. That's a good question. Precious. Oh, precious?

Okay. Well, here. Why don't I give you this one right here? It's called porcelena You can rub it all over your face and you'll get the face of a fine doll Huh, what is Well if you use too much you light on fire. Oh But it's up to the user. It's a real crap shoot. Oh Oh, sure. Can you imagine? Can you imagine your current state of beauty

forever captured in pure porcelain? A sweet fragile little doll that I would place upon my mantle and look at you and lovingly stroke your hair every single day and brush your hair and tell you what a pretty boy you are. I mean, most of that sounds awesome, if I'm being honest. But I don't know, I'm pretty clumsy. I fall most of that sounds awesome if I'm being honest but I don't know I'm pretty clumsy I fall down all the time and I just gonna break my sweet

porcelain face. Oh I've it's worth the risk you know break your face fire face I feel like anything it's worth it. Yeah Arnie we can also put you in some sort of in casing so that you don't fall or hurt yourself then you sir could make another another Arnie that we can play with, so we have, you know, one to stock and one to rock. I feel like I just start collecting all of them. Oh, oh, not mouth. Not mouth. Not mouth.

Oh, he's got not mouth. See, that's kind of the roughest one, because now he's going to sound like he's got a sack of hawks in his mouth. What are you doing? Oh, what? What the little bit? Oh, well, here, I'm going to give you this oil. Rub it around your mouth a little bit.

Although, we've gotten a few emails. This is exactly a sound. Some people have been wanting to hear. Oh, you sir tell the listeners you slept on a pirate ship? I thought they were all poofed. You know what? This motherfucker slept on a pirate ship? Did you hear that Marty? How great.

How great. We got his ass on that royal burn. Let's take a quick break. We're going to do a break and we'll be right back with these nutty bucks. We're going to do a quick break. Did you hear it, Marty? How are you? How are you? How are you? We got his ass. On that royal burn, let's take a quick break. We're gonna do a break and we'll be right back with these nutty buddies. I'm so fucking smart.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow yellow leather. Oh that seemed to have seemed to have done the trick. Thank you very much Claudio. Oh yeah just a couple of quick tongue twisters mouth robbers you know you you you did a great job great job you said. I've noticed now though that my eyebrows and my beard are mostly fire. Oh, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, just dip your face into some of this piss and you'll be all right. Okay. Oh, you know, I guess I never asked. This drink, the putrid piss. Is it, is it an actual, a wong, that is a good question.

Is it legal? Here it is in other towns around nibble bottom. It's a little debatable, but you know So like in Bimble Top it's illegal. Oh gosh the Bimble Toppers. No, no, no, they won't touch this stuff those freaks. No. In in bottom bipple it's illegal. Bottom bipple, way illegal. Oh my gosh, they may as well be witch Mormons. The way... what's a witch Mormon? A witch Mormon is a witch that lives by the rules. In the end.

No need to explore that further. that lives by the rules. The end. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think there's a section in town here that has which Mormons you sir you're talking about coven's I saw a sign that said big go up huh? No, no, no, no, did you want to step on my joke anymore Arnie? I can't I saw a sign that said big cove Yes, that's it. That's the one you saw you found it stay away freakyaky, deaky, Mr. Leaky. Ooh. Oh, that, oh, and I think that might be another side effect. Oh yeah, I got the drips. Oh no.

Oh. You're gonna get the freaky deaky, Mr. Leaky. I know. Yeah. That's the one pipe you don't wanna leak in. Hold on, I'm gonna give you another oil. Rub it on there. It'll stop the pipes.

Okay, rub. Rub, sag. PVC that stuff right up, yeah. Oh yeah, baby, rub it on there, it'll stop the pipes. Okay, rub. P-B-C, that stuff right up, yeah. Oh yeah, baby, rub, set, okay. Ooh, okay. I don't know if the singing helps, but we'll take it, yep. Health's me take my mind off everything, yeah, feels better. Let me wiggle it around a little bit. Yeah.

Excellent. I still have a knot lid, but everything else is working. Should I put some oil on the knot lid or? Yeah, rub it on there. And if you guys could send me just a couple sticks to my pay-witch account, you know, if you just want to send me anything, that would be great. Well, here's a bag of 400 gold. Oh my, what? Oh, um, oh, yes, the perfect thank you very much the next putrid pisses are on me fellas Yes, I have I have quite a bit of money lying around since I killed the dark Lord Wait, you got paid for that

Oh, no, but a lot of people are treating me to things or you know taking me out or So we're inviting me to join their musical groups and putting on concerts. Yeah, that's what I'm sorry So if people are giving you things and taking you out to dinner, how do you have money? Are you ordering entrees and then when they go to the bathroom you send back the entree for money? No, no, I'm just saving my money now. I don't have to spend my own money because everyone's taking me out that makes way more sense Yeah, yeah, you know, but still I get my regular salary Still my regular salary, but still your regular salary my regular wizard salary Why he wizards are salary? Yeah, of course. You think I'd get paid by the hour What used to do or here's the thing. I just think I don't want you to get too big for your wizard pants

You know, I mean I miss the old days when... Ugh, we can chase each other around. Now you're giving me sacks of gold. I mean, I'll take it, but, you know, if I call on you, I need you to be there. Oh, well, I- I suppose if you call on me, I would come running. Uh, all you'd have to say is... What, what? Chicken butt? And I would come to thee.

Oh, good. Okay, I'll be lodged in that chicken butt over at the bar. So, yes. So, I'm just, so used to the work, she should be inside the chicken butt. And wherever she is, she should say, what, what, chicken butt. And you'll know that that's,

that's not for chicken butt, that's for you. Well, I don't know. I don't know where she'll be. She said she's gonna be in chicken butt. If she calls out what what chicken butt then I will come running Yes, that's strictly for you. No, I don't think I've ever even used that before I've never heard it I don't know what it is usually I say who who chicken butt And now Arnie and Chant, if you're looking for some hot, I'm sorry. Which, no, that's okay. Some hot witch bitches. It's beautiful. Arnie. Mediocre.

Mediocre. Arnie. I, Chant, I have some hot witch bitches in my common. If you're looking for a good time, I'm not trying to pimp anybody out. I'm talking about a nice date. Yeah. Maybe a nice play to Salman with some King Warr, you know, but I'm sorry I played a what? Salmon.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that sounds great. And let me do a little tiff or tat. Let me, let's see here. Oh, let me just, here, this is my friend Thomas Foulori. He's a fancy little pig and I think the two of you would hit it off. Hello, Tobas.

So he's got a vest and nice fancy little trousers and this hair is quaffed. Very attractive. I like the on-somb. Well, if Yusador doesn't come calling, this fancy-ass pig could meet me in my, whoo-hoo chicken butt. Also, I just want to clarify, the salmon isn't fish, it's salmon rushty. Oh! Arnie, had you had a salmon rush tea? No, you make a pot of tea, but you don't

let it sit on the fire for long at all. You it off the plate Then you port over a piece of salmon and whatever tea drips through the salmon That's a salmon rushed tea and some of the pronunciation of salmon also runs off in that so it becomes a salmon You got a crack the very code Hmm, I'm starting to learn things about food America! Hmm, I'm starting to learn things about Foon. Hmm, hmm. So yeah, I got a couple of witches back, you know, back in town. So if you want me to set you up, we can have a nice day together.

Yeah, it goes. Is there one that, I mean, I'd be happy to meet any of them, but is there one particular that might be compatible with me, adorable little Badger? Well, it's not a Badger per se. It's her name, Suzanne. And she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f- she's a f. It's like a it's like a badger, but meaner Okay, yeah, are you are you into it? John. Are you into it? Yeah, I think I think I could put up with someone being mean to me. It might be kind of fun She got claws on her paws and she'll scratch her back and watch a sack

I'm in yeah set it up set it up. Thank you.. Arnie, what about you? Oh, I don't know. I know I'm very beautiful now, but I'm just not sure I'm totally ready to dip my toe into the dating pool yet. Mmm, gay. Wait. Arnie, have you been down to the dating pool? I know. I've just heard people talking about it. Okay, because I was told we're not supposed to go down there. I've heard that that's for which is only. Is that right? Oh. The dating pool. we're not supposed to go down there. I've heard that that's for witches only. Is that right?

The dating pool. We're not supposed to swim in there, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot go down there unless you are accompanied by a witch. So don't go dip in your human foot into that pool or oh man, there will be trouble, yes. So say you do go with a witch, or you just are a witch, and you go to the dating pool and you dip your foot in

Well if you are a witch you can hang out at the dating pool tax-free You can wear a witch Keeney have a witchy collada You know whatever you'd like so you can hang out down there and wait until another witch comes down with her man And then you kill that witch and then you steal whatever she's with, and that becomes your bitch. Oh, hot fuck, that's brutal! Mm-hmm, yep. To witch's enter, no one leaves.

Ah, so yeah, so then I'm definitely not ready for that. Mm-hmm, but I could arrange a nice meeting if you'd like to meet somebody, aren't you? Claudia, you said you're not pimping these witches out. But is there some kind of arrangement here, you really? No, fine, you busted me. I'm a rich madam. Oh, guys, it's just been hard to make a couple of bucks, you know, when I start with the smoothies and the amulets, I gotta find a way to make some cash! So, yeah, yeah, yeah, these witches are gonna try to steal your shit, so you guys are too nice, I can't do it to you, I just can't!

Oh, man. They would try to steal off things? No, our shit, it sounds like. Yeah, your shit, your gold, your hawks, whatever whatever you got and then I get a cut they get a cut and You're just you guys are too damn nice. I can't do it to you well, I I think if you are Followed on financial hardship that perhaps you could set up a shop here in town, much like Inced and Sanamilance, but slightly different. I'm listening.

Will you provide people with potions? Love potions. And help them find happiness together, doesn't that sound wonderful? Oh, what have to think it over? I mean, I like not traveling much more, but I don't think it over, I think it over. I don't know. Isn't it better to just get paid for illegal sex? I mean, we've all been there. So I think that while there is a certain thrill undoubtedly in such acts, that it's not necessarily the healthiest way to live your life.

There are certain dangers you may be taking on, and Claudia and Claudia, you're a friend we want you to be safe. Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You invited Dr. Yusudor! Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I also gotta be clear, I don't have a problem with you being a witch-madam. I mean, that's fine, but there's also the part where you're instructing your witches to steal shit. In that part, that's the part I kind of have a problem with. But I get a percentage.

Okay. Yeah. You got a system set up. Yeah. That's starting to make more sense to me. Thanks, Ong. Thank you. It's beautiful, aren't it?

Arnie, it's a little wild, but I can't say that it hasn't been done before. Claudia, surely you've heard of the witches in the court of S. A lot of those S-corts, they've done something similar. And there's no shame in it at all. It's a living. No, and only a couple of those witches have gotten killed. But by each other, the dating pool, right? Yes, I didn't want to bring the room down. Yeah, I didn't want to bring the room down. Yeah, by each other. Yeah, that's right. Yeah So just let me know if you're interested. I can hit you up with some food. Poon Well, it seems that it seems that Arnie isn't quite ready yet. So I think perhaps we should give him some time and see if In a few weeks or months perhaps he'll be ready to put his foot back in those waters.

But for now, I suppose we'll have to settle for selling him some of this oil. Arnie, this oil's working amazingly on me. My balls are almost gone. And I got the one out of my mouth, and my face is just a little bit on fire. No, Arnie, I'm going gonna give you a special oil, okay? Yeah, because my nuts are already oily enough.

So I'm gonna give you this one, you just, you put it on your hand, you rub it in the air, and whatever you think of appears, that you wanna have a date with, or maybe you wanna have intercourse with. So you just rub it in the air and whatever you think of appears. And I'm supposed to have sex with that thing? Yep, you get three minutes. Wow, three minutes. Aren't you just having sex ten times?

Because I- Yep. That's not fair. I told you that in confidence, Chant. Oh, sorry. Hmm, I do have a card. Here you go. Yeah, because you know what, I've got to say I'm just not in the market for that But it is a service that who may be someday I will want. Oh, it's just air sex. Come on, Arty Chant, she handed us the Jack of Diamonds

What? That's I mean it makes sense if you think about it. Yep, that's my calling card. You'll know where to find me. You said, or you said, or... Hey! Yes? Are you in the Claudia? Cause I think she's throwing it down for you. And if you don't go with her into the chicken butt, then I think Thomas Fuller is gonna, you know, I think Thomas Fuller is gonna swoop in, so... Oh, Thomas!... Oh Thomas! Oh Thomas, that's a good one.

Ha! He's over there sweet-oinking her now. Are you into her? What do you want to do? Well, I don't know. I, things got so complicated with the Genleivia and then... Yeah, and Claudia, so is a brainwashed me before, but now she's just asking me to come to the chicken butt. Okay, here's what you do. Start flirting with her. Arnie and I will hang back a little bit.

You two start flirting and see how you feel. If you're if you're into it, you'll know. You got this buddy. All the way to second, you should or if we're gonna be your wingman, you can you transfer your hawksuit to chun. Sure. Hawks! I mean, ow, ow. I could have just turned into a hawk. your hawksuit to chun? Sure! Hawks! Ow, ow, ow, I could have just turned into a hawk. Can you transfer these to Arnie and I'll just turn into a hawk? Hawks!

Hawks! Hawks! There we go now I'm a giant hawk, okay? Yes sir, go for it. Hawks, take the day off! Tom, foolery! What if I put that little curly cute tail in my mouth? Take the day off Tom What if I put that little curly cute tail in my mouth Use your hurry ah

Hello Thomas hello Claudia Thomas. I noticed I noticed you haven't been working much lately Interesting interesting Claudia. Did you know that I recently Completed my true purpose I destroyed the dark Lord no big that's why all these wizard groupies are around here these whizpes I mean you mentioned that but I didn't think it was real. Oh, yes, very real. Totally real. Why wouldn't it be real? Why would you say that? I mean, I don't know. I just, I mean, that's such a big task for a usador. Well, well, someone may have underestimated me at the past, but now I am one of the most

lauded wizards and all of food, and as one of the most lauded wizards in all of food and as one of the most lauded wizards I couldn't help but notice how Large and crooked your noses Thank you Oh, I was gonna say you stood or know, but it seemed like it's working Yeah, also he opened with talking about how he killed someone that Claudia Occasionally party with He opened with talking about how he killed someone that Claudia occasionally parties with. But none of this should be working. Okay fellas, I see what's going on here.

It's about for my love. Ah, that means one thing, we have to have a nipple off. Ah, whoa, Arnie, that sounds like the perfect chance to take a break. Arnie, did both your nipples just fall off? Oh fuck! Oh no! Yes! Sorry, listen, we'll be back right after this. You know, even though I've been here a few months, I don't have a place at my own, so... Sometimes I just crash in the welcome

I can keep talking your nipples are still on well I also I also have no way of knowing how long I would even still be alive for once a wizard completes his trooper is of course he ascends to the realms of fusesius oh now we're talking some existential goodness and I see what nipples gone. Nope, there it goes. I just ran off. It's awfully cute. It's proud of those little eggs.

Oh, it jumped and Arnie's drink. Don't tell him. It's beautiful, Arnie. Let's see what happens. He's gonna drink nip. Hey, Arnie, can I get you a buttery niple? But here, cheers. I still have in my featured piss left while I injure you up your drink

and I'll drink mine. Alright down the hatch. Time to hatch you dumb mother for the actual snatch. He did it. He drank his horse nibble. No, classic jokes. Okay, you said you were. Yes.

Have you ever considered what would happen for you and I become... romantically in Tengu? Of course! For six years I have! I've been, you know, seeing you intermittently for that long, and every time I wonder, what if? What if? But you're always off on some... Gorsh darn adventure?

Ugh, I don't know. I just... I don't know if I can settle down with you. Oh, I didn't realize we were already talking about settling down. Well, of course. Seems very serious. Once you enter the chicken butt, you can't leave. Is that true? Yes, sir.

Not in a rough, but... At the beginning of this episode, we saw you leave the chicken butt Well, I can leave. It's my chicken butt But anybody who's the companion of the witch who owns the chicken butt can't leave is there a lot of is there a lot of egg room in there Can you stretch out? It will omelet you do that I hate myself That's all right. That's alright.

It's over and it was easy. Ah, Gizador, I mean, maybe we're best this way, you know, seeing each other every once in a while, having some hot, crooked nose flirtation. I suppose that's all that it was meant to be. I digress and make room for Thomas to continue his wooing of this beautiful witch. But I mean, you know, into pig on wizard on witch action, you know, it might be something to consider. I'll meet you out behind the strange footage.

Okay, I'll be there at midnight, good call. Arnie, did you know that one oh, it's beautiful aren't we? Yes. Oh, beautiful aren't we? Already did you know that when a beautiful alarm but yes, oh beautiful or did you know that when a Witch and a wizard and a pig have sex is called devil's on horseback. I thought it was called bacon and legs Oh, you would know better. I just heard a rumor I mean you know to each his own every man's got his Breakfast treat. I was sort of scald a witch and a blanket

That too that too. Well, that could be a witch with anyone. I thought it was called a Mary Melody. They're not all great. That's all folks. Wait, the show's over? I wish, but Alas, it goes all to naught. Ah, okay, well, I think me and this pig

are gonna go get a founs over my hammy. Tia, my. Claudia, how long are you in the village for? It's just been so such a treat to catch up with you like it. Are you in town for a while? I'll be here for a while, maybe a couple hundred years or so. It depends on how the oils go. And like I said, my coven is here, my original coven.

So being the witch bitches, I'm just going to see what happens. Sure. Is your whole coven into this oil thing? Oh my gosh, of course. Yeah, we're rubbing oils like nobody's business selling them, making them grind and I'm up, trying to find homes for him. Every single witch is on this task. You got it, Arnie.

Is it hard to grind up oils? Very hard. Oh, you ever tried to grind up a liquid? Oh, you lili lili. Well, I was just wondering, is one of the side effects of the oils that I use that all my teeth have turned into one big tooth? Yep, big tooth is also a side effect. Yeah

Yeah, you got you got anything for that to separate them back out Here's a sharpie You just want to write a new mouth. Oh, honey. Do they have sharpies on earth? This is just a very sharp little knife I just got a careful that's permanent. I'm just gonna carve out. Yeah, it's perfect I'm just gonna carve out some grubber grooves here, so it looks like I've got a careful careful. That's permanent. I'm just gonna carve out. Yeah, it's but I mean I'm just gonna carve out some group of groups here, so it looks like I've got teeth again Looks good. Thank you. How are you feeling? I mean you were about to go off on an anti-raid with Thomas and I guess that's not gonna happen. He's got a full plate tonight. You know what? I'm just happy for him

So you know, it's he's been through a bit of a dry spell. Um, and right now he looks as happy as a him and shit. Oh, you're, you're free tonight? Uh, well, I turn, I'm currently a hawk, so I might fly around a little bit to see if I can get like an aerial view of, um, of, uh, nibble bottom, but... Shoo, shoo, shoo. Why is there something, was there something going on Well if you fly around and you don't see anything better to do oh you had your little thing tonight How's your little thing gonna go is your little thing gonna be fun?

That's fun. I love that for you. You sir. I love that for you that you have your little thing Thank you. What a fun little thing. Yeah, it should be fun. Fushible. It was over my hammy. Yeah. Oh, yes. Here we go. That pig is going to town. It's like eating from a trough. Wow, that thing is really going down on her.

There's a chicken butt right over there. What? Get a chicken butt. For weighting mozzarella wands, for god's sakes it's just it's just so high up here it's hard to tell yeah yeah from angle you know honest mistakes yeah you have the mozzarella wands in your lap so to be fair well

I need some very flirtatious food it's say somewhat phallic it's cheese what's more erotic than cheese? Mm-hmm. Usedore's jealous! I wouldn't say I'm jealous, I'm gonna meet them. I'm gonna meet them up by the... Admin, I said I had met night. It used to do, or even after we met. And strange for real, I had met night.

If you feel like you wanna come back and you wanna spend a couple years in the chicken bar, I'd welcome you with open-witch arms. They never let you out. Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, to be trapped inside a chicken butt. Oh, I must, I must consider my options. I shall have to meditate and decide whether this is the way

I want to spend my remaining years here on food. Think about it. I will use it or be careful. I mean, obviously we love Claudia. She's one of our best friends. But while she and Thomas were going to town on those mozzarella ones, she clearly picked his pocket. Yeah.

Took his wallet and his pocket watch. Oh no, his fancy little wallet. Every witch has its thorn. Woo! All right, well, I'm going to leave Thomas here. Wait, did you just poison Thomas? He's not looking so good. I think she just poisoned him.

I want to go back into the chicken butt, maybe fresh it up a little bit. And leave your friend here if he wants to come back and do some phones over my hammy that's his you know paragatief so um she's flwriting the chicken butt Thomas Thomas speak to us he's coughing a blood he always says that that's his thing it's fancy blood it's fancy blood. It's fancy. He coughed it into like a silk

Kirchiff like that he had tucked into his pocket. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quickly Thomas. Tell us. Do you have any last words? I don't understand any of that. Oh, it was beautiful. It was a poem. Do you want to do you want to step on someone else's last words, Olli? Oh, sorry. Step on chunch chokes. step on Thomas's last words watch yourself But I'll be for an old. You're so beautiful. I can't stay mad at you. Oh I'm back. Sorry. Oh, he's the pig dead. I mean

Close to close to He's gone no longer with us. He left. Lord, he had what did you do? I had that eye. Just took his pig in trails and I guess I was the end of it. Now we're only going to have a Tucson. This is almost as bad as when Zach Plasma died. Ernie, don't bring that up. Every friend I make dies, and I hate it.

What's wrong with you, chun? I don't know. Tussador, Drew, Zach, Plasma. I don't know what it is. I'm such a dumbass, foolery. Every time I introduce a friend to this show, they die. Chun, I'm so sorry, and I'm sorry to laugh. I'm just putting that together.

I'm so sorry, Chuck. No, it's fine, it's fine. I mean, Arnie, you have a friend who I guess lives forever or whatever, so that must be nice. As much as I hate you, he can never leave. But no, everyone, Chuck introduces has to go the way of the dodo. Come here, Thomas. Let me take you back to the kitchen. Oh, he's gonna cook him.

Oh, that's all right. You know what? I take back what I said about Susan, the fish, or I- I- Chant, I don't think we should introduce you. Everybody dies that you love. Huh. No, not everyone. Ah, he hasn't died yet. Yeah, I did. I did for a little... Ah little shit. Oh, yes, who did I? Yeah, what is wrong with me?

What the hell? I need to I need to go. I'm gonna fly away as a hawk. I'm sorry guys. I got to go Chant oh no, oh look even my even my future in piss, it's all gone. I killed it. Oh. I drank it all. Goodness, chunches. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He got us again.

Look at Thomas Statsing on the bar. Oh. Oh. Oh, good old Tom Fulery for ya. Oh, no. Thank God, this is, he was just Tom Fuling around. Oh, thank God, the, he was just tom fooling around. Oh, thank God the three sons back on, baby! Looks like three sons back on the menu!

Ha ha ha! Cheers everyone! Down the hatchy old snatch! Ah, oooh! That is a tasty treat! Oh boys, we're gonna get messed up tonight. Did Claudia try to murder Thomas the pig? Make sure to write a carefully-worded essay explaining your thinking. Then post it on Reddit for us to find in 11 years. Use it or the wizard was played by Math Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rathiah. Claudia the Witch was played by special guest Beth Maluski. Beth is currently shortlisted to become an understudy workshop moderator for Second City Works. One small, vital part of the Strauss-Zelnik financial family. When it comes to comedy, ask a venture capitalist. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Want to support the show to impress your friends and piss off mom and dad?

Check us out at patreon.com slash magic tavern. You get ad free episodes and two new bonus episodes every month. To learn more, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neckamp, Matt Young in Adel Ruffiah. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Chris Rathchin, special assistance by Ryan to Georgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Alright, back to picking random posts on Twitter and replying, doubtful with a gif of the

kid from Matilda doing a thumbs down. Then replying to every response after that with an American flag in a crying face. After that, an hour of yoga and bed. It's a full life.