Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 57 - Season 4, Ep 57 - Solistice Gift Exchange (Live from Chicago's Thalia Hall w/ Brooke Breit and Beth Melewski)

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Flower and Claudia the Witch join in on a holiday celebration of throwing a bunch of terrible gifts on a pile.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiFlower: Brooke Breit Claudia: Beth MelewskiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandClick HERE for tickets for the upcoming live show at SF Sketchfest (San Francisco, CA) on January 21st.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Okay Tim, you've rehearsed, you've put in the time, let's make it work. The following podcast is not real, but it is a recording of a live show recorded at

Chicago's Tally a Hole earlier this month. If you'd like to see hello from the Magic Tivern live, there are still tickets available to the San Francisco Sketchfest show, with special guest Guy Bramam on Saturday, January 21. There's a link in the show notes, and now sit back and enjoy the live show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before, and there's gotta be at least one, wait, there's one person, there's at least one person, but also they're in the front row. So they're... So they're just sort of like, I'm just punctual. That's just who I am. But anyway, for you specifically, if you've never wasn't a podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

I'm a high-powered female socialite. But unfortunately, for a lot of of reasons I lost most of my fortune and the only asset I still had was the Blue Moon Detective Agency. So I go there to sort of start working there and I'm fine that it's being run by this roof-round-the-edge guy named David Addison. And together we start solving mysteries. And I'm very sophisticated and he's very quirky and I guess a TV version of the streets. And you know what, we kind of hate each other, but we kind of love each other.

Yeah. Some walk by day, some walk by night. Wait, I just figured out, that's the premise of moon lighting, which I highly recommend you check out. This is everything you need to know about this show. Many years ago, I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. You know, it's one of those stories

into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, where we all are now. Woo! Woo!

In the town of Niddle bottom, in the magical land of food. And that's literally as all you need to know. And it's winter solstice time. I'm so excited. I... Yeah! Yeah! Just a time to celebrate all the holler days.

And I'm so excited to share it with one of my good buds. Welcome them out here. Chunk the talking badger! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Good buds, welcome them out here, chunk the talking badger. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, baby. When I say being you say BONG, I didn't want to do it. I thought I wanted to do it and I didn't want to do it, Arnie.

But here's the thing, everybody. Listen like a hawk, because at any moment, halfway through a sentence, he's going to go Bing, and then we're going to see who's paying attention. Arnie's speaking of hawks. I feel like in this area, something's missing.ks, I feel like in this area, something's missing. Yeah, I feel like previous winners told us this, there were terrifying birds right over there.

That's right, that's what it was. Yeah, there's a little perch. And now they're just people who are, I'm gonna say it, too attractive. Yeah. Yeah, that sucks to see. Bing! Nice. Oh, right. Hey, Arnie, I was thinking about something. No, never mind. Okay, moving right along. What if we called each other the butthole boys? Oh, John, you should have trusted your instincts.

I never trust my instincts, Arnie. That's my secret. Okay, well, look, I don't want to just say no immediately, so I'll hear you out and then say no. Okay. Why do you want to call us the Butthole boys? Think about it, Arnie, be quick, we have three Buttholes. That warrants a Z at the end of boys.

Uh-oh, it's the butthole boys. Think about it. We kick open a saloon door, we walk in buttholes are blazing. And you hear whispers there they are at the butthole boys. Are those the buttholes? You guys are made of butthole boys. Everyone knows. Everybody knows what are buttholes. They're the buttole boys? Are those a buttole? You guys are made a buttole boys. Everyone knows. Everybody knows what a buttole boys.

They were the buttole boys. And as we rest our seat meat on our stools, we lean back and everyone drinks your start flowing. Everyone buys his drinks because we're the buttole boys. Bing! Are you okay? Yeah. Well, hey, happy winter solstice.

Happy winter solstice to you two. I forgot Arnie, can you, what do you call it, vamp? Yeah. You know how when vampires, when they see the sun coming, they start to like monologue. Yeah, yeah. No, sure. Yeah, no, I mean, I explained most of the premise of moon lighting, but I could probably go into details about season two. And then she started dating an astronaut, and it wasn't David Anderson.

Huh? Never mind. I brought some gifts. Oh, yeah. For a little party. Yeah, we're doing a gift exchange. Yeah, I'm so excited. You brought two.

I think everybody was only supposed to bring one, and then we're going to put them in a pile, and everyone's going to pick one out, and you're going to kind of compete and see who gets what gift. No. No, I got two. Do you want yours now?

How do I hide this? There we go. Open it. But isn't this for the exchange? This is for the exchange. This is for the Butthole Boys. Say it. Say it already. Come on. Say it. Say it. Wait. But at the whole boy, like, do I just, but here, okay. I have one question.

Do I then refer to you as but-hole boys, like, or but-hole boy, or but-hole brother? Oh my gosh, I would be so honored. But-hole brother, Arnie, you just made my year. I'm sorry, my but-hole brother, you just made my year. I'm sorry, my butthole brother, you just made my year. Okay. All right, butthole brother. Okay, I mean, BING!

I'm so excited about this gift, but here, why don't we bring our, I don't know how to say it, our taint uncle, our taint triplet. Taint triplet. He's very loud, used to the North of the blue. The What? What was that? What was that? What was that? What was that? What was that? I don't know. He says, that's when he has to be a song. That's when he has to be a song. And then maybe many other secret names you do not know yet.

Orny, like, Taint Triplet. Like, uh, oh, is one of them Taint Triplet? It's quiet. How did you learn this secret name of mine? For low, oh a hundred years ago, I did find myself shrinking to the size of Butter fetus. A way of butter? A butthole fetus? A butthole fetus?

What the fuck is a butthole fetus? Let me tell the story. I did find myself streaking to butt the size of a fetus. And then inside of a butt did I crawl. Only to find three of the fetuses there. Arnie, ever think about how someone's mom is out here? Possibly several people's moms. Yeah.

A lot of moms. Yeah, it's a rising number of moms here tonight. So, okay, so you got the name Tate Triplet because you turned to the size of a fetus. You went into a butthole and then you found three fetuses in there. Yeah. You're the fourth one.

No, I was the third. There were two others and then we were bored and we were the tape triplets. You said you found three fetuses in there. I was counting myself Okay, I'm the checks on I'm the one that's good at math. Not you. Oh Wow Ooh! That's fair. Wow! Eras fired. But if there was for, which there's not, you could have been the gunch bunch. And that's fun and good. If only I could go back and find a fourth.

Well, happy when to sauce this to both of you. Happy when to sauce this to you. I have too many things. You have so many things. I just noticed for the first time ever, you have a dagger on your back. Oh, do I? Wait, is someone trying to kill you?

Is someone trying to kill me? Or am I trying to kill someone? Or both? Why choose? I'm sure someone's trying to kill me. Big old sipa beer. Use the door. Wait, you know what?

Actually, that's a pretty good toast. Yeah. Hey, guys, I think we earned this. Hey, I'm sure someone's trying to kill us. I'm sure someone's trying to kill us. To the bad old boys. To the bad boys. Bing.

Oh! All right. So, you said, or did you bring anything to the big gift exchange? What? We're doing a white elephant or Yankee swap or I can't really remember the rule, which is which. Arnie, what is a Yankee?

You keep using that term. You know what? See, I don't know but damn them Wow did they offend you did they wrong you? No, it's just a title Yes, yes, I did bring something to that I meant to bring to the gift exchange the entire time These two magical rocks We have to exchange the entire time. Uh, these two. Magical rocks.

Oh, yes, one free to my friends. Each impude with so much power. Each more powerful than the last. This one's the most powerful. Except this one's even more powerful. Except this one is even more powerful. Hey, Arnie, I don't think he meant to bring those. Did you hear?

It's very subtle, but if you listen close enough, you can hear this sweatiness in his voice. I think the subtle clue to me was when I asked him and he went, what? What? What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, that's the one I saw. Yes, you know, if someone would like a dagger for the holidays, and I, you know, I suppose, you know, if for the holidays, it was appropriate. What if there was a special tapestry of chunt?

What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. tape triplets. Wow. One of the four tape triplets. There you go. Thank you. Happy. Happy.

Happy with their solstice, you chun. What a wonderful gift. Now, now, now, now. And there's your rock. No, no, no, you sort of look. Look, obviously this would be a wonderful and thoughtful gift for chun, for winner solstice. Right.

Buz. Buz. And this rock. would be a wonderful and thoughtful gift for Chant for a winner's soul's dissonance. Right. Wow. And that's right. For adults, we're just going to bring gifts that are not for anyone in particular, and then sort of fight over who gets which one. What a ripoff. So that there's a high likelihood that everybody's unhappy.

Oh. That does sound like adulthood, yes. Well, I'll throw that one in, whoever wants it can have it. I mean, Chimp has a lot of fans, right? Bing. Now, anyone can prompt it. The possibilities are endless. Arnie, do you mind real quick if I present one of my presents?

Yeah, please. But it can go to anyone. You serve for no reason, turn around. Of course, happy to. If he tries to kill me, though, I will kill him. Arnie vamp. What? Are you going to assemble that thing? Shh.

So, you sit or? Yes, Arnie. Yeah, what's like a thing you've done once? Oh, okay. You sit or turn around. Oh, okay, you used it or turn around. Oh, I wanted to answer on his excellent question. What? A bird.

Oh, how I love birds. Oh. Come here. Whoa, no. Oh, my. Hi, I killed it. I killed the bird. Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. It's like a news somewhere was trying to kill me. I knew it. Oh, my God. Don't worry, don't worry everyone. I killed the bird that was trying to kill me. God, God, this is David. Arnie, do you know how much I had to give to a wicking to make that magic bird that only followed you,

sir, or did you see it was on him? I did, but here's the thing. That bird, I think it wanted to die, because it was just diving for his feet. Like, he was trying to... Oh, great, magic. I used my magic to bring you back to life, don't worry. It's a dome of magic that's only about what? Yes, he is.

Legally, once it went past that, I'm not responsible. That's a wild animal. We all saw it. Okay. So we have a robe. Is this for the exchange? Yeah, that's, I mean, it's for you. But it's for anybody. Why don't you open it and see what it is, wink, huh?

I hope it's a bird. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's shaped like a hot dog and I love that. I don't know, I guess it's from the back which is concerning. Arnie, no. It's a hat, it's a hot dog hat. Okay, okay. It's in its cocoon. It's a certain butterfly that you're not listening. Oh, it's a certain butterfly and food

that goes into a cocoon and comes out a hot dog hat. What an excellent chapeau. A hot dog hat that looks like it's working for McDowell's. I am shocked you put that over your hair. Wow! Tray Bond, Tray Bond! I pledge my allegiance to you hot dog man, know that we shall go on some great quest together, and I shall slay all the enemies. And all who follow me will sit at a table. No one will be more in charge than anyone else, so it will be a round table and we'll call it the weiner circle.

The bird is back. Oh, sorry, the bird goes in the middle because these are for anyone. Okay, so look, this gift exchange isn't just for us. I invited some of our other friends, and I'm going to take this hot dog off my head I think I think I see her now flower Welcome flower

Welcome, Flower. Hello. How are you doing this winter solstice? I'm doing good. It was really nice to hear you ask me. I was worried this was just going to be like a sausage party. Usually this. I'm happy to play dessert, but I brought myself a beverage. Do you ever have the, the pamphlet of a moose?

What is it? Mmm. Do you ever, do you ever have the, the pamphlet of a moose? The, what is? Yeah. You know that, you got to squeeze the pamphlet. Squeeze. To get the moose out is on a moose and it also creates moose. Are you tracking? Okay. Yeah.

So you're, you're milking the pamphlet. You got, yeah, you don't want, what's not milk? Oh, okay. So you, it's moose. Okay. So you grab, you grab the pamphle. You got, yeah, you don't want, well it's not milk. Oh, okay. So you, it's moose. Okay. So you grab, you grab the pamphle and you kind of squeeze it, you got to work it a little bit, you got, you got to play with it.

You got to play, you got to warm it up. Just a little bit, yeah, you can't warm down just a little bit, because if you don't, might get scared and might retreat. Sure. I hate to ask this, I feel like it might be a big joke. No, you don't need it. You don't need it.

Is it sometimes hard to find the pamphlet? No, he's never hard to find the pamphlet. No. I agree with him. Be. No, the pamphlet. Wait, wait. Anybody could do it also? Who noticed that I first instead of talking to my microphone, tried to talk into my cup?

I did. I was going to say something. No, the pamphlet is not hard to find. That is the one thing that's out there. You know, when you just got a grab, but I just, I find it delightful and refreshing when you get the moose to the pamphle. Sure. What is there something like if I haven't had the juice from a moose as pamphle? Is it what does it taste like? Are we? It's so-and-to-say. That was always like, I'll have what she's having.

They were like, I'm with them so far. But what is it taste like? I'll be honest, this is going to love to rail. I feel like I was following this narrative and now they're just making shit up. He's in their goddamn hands. And the answer is, that's exactly what we're fucking doing. So yeah, if you've never had it before, it's like sort of refreshing and a little disappointing.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Refresher pointing, disafreshing. Disafreshing. Disafreshing. Definitelyresher pointing? Disafreshing. Disafreshing. Disafreshing. Definitely, we got there. Disafreshing. It's sort of like a grapefruit got tired

and forgot it was a grapefruit. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, like, oops, how peels. Yeah, exactly. It's sort of like, it's sort of like a live experience version of something you usually listen to in your car That's got to feel weird and then you're looking at and you like that's not what I expected So flower did you bring anything for the gift exchange you bet you're

Oh, we just put them on you. Yeah Yeah, we're just throwing on this pile of shit. You OK? Apparently on Earth, you just put gifts in a pile. All right, I didn't wrap it or anything. Oh, that's fine. I did breathe. So it'll last minute. How'd you really make it work?

I feel like this place is pretty good. Oh, OK. I got two shorties. Ooh. I brought two shorties. You want to feel like I'm like this. I got a shorties. Mmm. I brought two shorties. I'm gonna feel like I'm like this. I got a flattie. Okay. I see.

Okay. So, yeah, so it depends on what your poison is. Pick your poison. We got a super shortie. Okay. This one is not expired. Excellent. I don't know.

This one's a little bit bigger, so I'm not, but also a super. And it's a little bit bigger. Okay. This one is not expired. Excellent. I don't know, this one's a little bit bigger, so nope, but also super. And then we got a flat, you know, my flat fans out here. Yeah, sure. With wings.

So, oh, it also has wings, two birds. Two birds, yeah. Seriatically. That was for the ladies. Wait a minute Arnie, aren't you a high powered female socially? Well, why didn't you woo? Woo. Oh, speaking of high powered female socialite, I invited someone else to our gift exchange as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's mostly evil, but she's still one of our friends, Claudia the Witch. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Well, well, well. If it isn't the butthole brethren, ah! Arnie, where does spreading? Just like our buttholes. Don't say spreading. Oh, where is spread fast. It's already out on the street, but, whole boys.

Oh, great. Well, happy holidays, you idiot. Yes, very happy winter solstice to all of you. Do you have a gift for the gift exchange pile? Why, yes. Of course. What do you think I am am some sort of impolite witch hold on let me yank it out of my pants. Why is why's everyone pulling these gifts out of their pants? Now you may think this is just a regular old diner cup But it's got loose seat meat in it. Oh.

God. Go ahead, guys. You had that in your back this whole time for 40 minutes. Oh, wow. It's been cooking in there for 40 minutes. Wow. You got to stop that shit! So I'm just gonna throw this seat meat on the pile. Wonderful.

Fuck, Arnie, when it's my turn, do I go for the tapestry with my likeness on it? Or a cup full of loose meat? I mean, that cup full of loose meat is at a definite, like, human body temperature, which has got to be pretty good. Damn it. I feel like we should have introduced something

to the Skiff Exchange, where one of the options, but only one person can take it is, take nothing. And we'd all be fighting over that. Well, what if we all close our eyes, got on the ground, and rolled around and picked something? Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah.

All right, Claudia, whenever we see you, why are you always trying to suggest that we all close our eyes and just roll around on the ground and see what happens? Why don't I close my eyes? You said we're closest his eyes. Yeah! Yeah!

We roll around on the ground and see what happens. Is that it? Yeah! All right. Yeah! Come on, wait, but before we do that, though, Claudia, I've got to say your hair is looking great. Oh, thank you, thank you. I just got a witch permanent today. Which one?

Which one? Which one? Which one? The permanent one. Permanent? Yes, yes. Olga Vihomwitch. Yes. Oh, yes. Olga Vihomwitch.

Ooh. Yes. Oh, but it's flower. You're looking lovely yourself. I'll thank you. Yeah. I woke up like this. I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. You don't believe this? This thing, it really speaks for itself, is a little heavy, and it's actually hurting my neck a little bit. Oh, I don't wear a very often. Usually I like to tuck myself in a little bit, yeah. Flour, the amazing thing about you is,

even though your flower, you seem to be blooming year round. What's your secret for staying so young? Mm-hmm. Fucking in a truckin'. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Reckon and truckin'. Reckon and truckin'.

Yeah. Reckon and truckin'. Reckon and truckin'. Reckon and truckin'. Not the answer I expected, but makes perfect sense. Yeah. When you say truckin', what does that mean exactly? What does that mean exactly?

So, okay, well, the fucking part's clear, right? Yeah, I think we all got that. I just want to make sure, because if everyone was in Paris, So, okay, well, the fucking part's clear, right? Yeah, I think we all got that. I just want to make sure, because if everyone was in Paris, that they were a little left behind in the conversation, and then we moved on to the truck and then someone was like, wait a minute, she said something about fucking. What is that?

You know, I'm happy to walk anyone through that. There are a lot of moms here tonight, I think. There's a lot of moms. There's a lot of moms and some. I think we're going through. There's a lot of moms. There's a lot of moms in some of us left our kids at home. A lot. I did it again.

I started talking into my drink. You know, there are a lot of milks here. Moms, I'd like to truck. Milk? Yeah, so trucking is when you start at one side of the room. And then you kind of like Move a little slow a little slow and then you just go full fucking speed Into whatever is in front of you

That's it could be another person and it could be a wall It could be a couch, but just once you get that in your head You're like we're about to be trucking, then you just go slow, slow, slow, fast slam. Slow, slow, slow fast slam could also be fucking. Yeah, they are, they're a true band of butthole brothers. Olli, I think you're a secretary, Mr. Pesto, might have thrown a box back behind you there. Oh, no, I think... John, don't let him know about the box.

That was just... that's a portrait. It's a 3D portrait. Oh, I don't want to see anything that has three dimensions. Arnie, it worked that dumb motherfucker bought it. I know. Hey, Arnie, remember how you... I'm not talking about motherfucker they're talking about. Sorry, dumb mother trucker. You know how you talked about one of the options

might be that somebody takes nothing? Did you put something in? Oh, shit. Oh, Arnie. This is, okay, no, yeah. No, I have a gift. Arnie. This is okay. No, yeah. No, I have a gift. Arnie, big. Oh, Arnie.

Forbong. Yeah, okay. Who didn't gift you cheap shit? Okay. I'll be back in just a minute. I got something. He's gonna take off his scarf and put it in. I was like, you better not fucking come back

with like an experience. You see, I'm gonna lose my fucking shit. Ony's a greedy businessman and every winter holiday, we must remind him to not be so miserly and cheap in his ways. So you know, that's how we celebrate Haguebumb, you know, help a greedy businessman. Yes, it's an acronym. You know, Ony is's such a skin flint. He's just so eager to To keep all of his money in his pockets his gold

No, I wasn't I know if people know it's not the scarf Think my gift is I'm gonna let me pull it out of my pants. Oh, yes Like this is the lunar sword Mythical lunar sword that we acquired oh so many years ago only to be lost to the dark Lord Yeah, yeah, but it's free gifting, isn't it? It is. Well, you know, I recently went to a Dark Lord estate sale and they were just all kinds of magical trinkets and things and I got this pretty cheap, not the meat. Not the meat. Not the meat. Not the meat.

Oh, I don't like how that felt. Oh, oh, shit. Oh, no. Can you guys receipt meat? Wait, let's all, let's see what it does to them. Meat, especially seat meat, can have weird effects on wizards. You sure, buddy? Are you okay?

I guess this wouldn't be the first episode where he vomits uncontrollably. Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik!

Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Swamilik! Okay. Why is everyone talking so slow? Oh. This also isn't the first episode where he ate ass. Mm-hmm. See, I knew that meat was too close to witch butt. This always happens. Heavy tongue, not speaking clearly, chin falling off. Oh.

Oh. So you're saying Claudia, proximity to which butt leads the heavy tongue? Yes. You probably see many men in the village walking around with... They took the trip to the salad bar. Mm-hmm. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Father, father, I've been waiting here for so long.

Oh, no, should we be here for this? If he says, Papa, can you hear me, I'm adding. I had written the Efeau these past three years, and it is my greatest desire that you shall return my letter, father, for I do not know if I can marry the count on speaker's fire. If you come and rescue me here from the castle, I shall surely be a good little girl again. It never be me into you. Oh, Father, please come and save me. You owe a sweet daughter, Gwendolyn.

Uh-oh. Arnie, I think we have to put them down. Lay them under the chunt blanket and stab them with that sword. Uh-oh. Arnie, I think we have to put them down. Lay them under the chunt blanket and stab them with that sword. Wait, wait, wait, I'm mostly concerned with the fact that I did not know that the picking of the gifts was happening. Did he just... You ain't that gift before you get that chance? Oh, yeah, what the fuck?

Where's the fucking procedure? What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? Yeah, all the meat's gone, so you just get a shitty diner cut. Oh. We're living in a lawless society. You store, buddy, you fucked us. And also, we got to take you to a farm, okay?

Upstate. Do you want to go to a farm? Father, I've been at the farm for the past three weeks. It's high time that you came and did seven me. I'm so sad here. And I do wish that you would come and be a Sav and save me. Sav my soul and a savior to my predicament. I can't marry the count. He has one eyebrow. These letters are beautiful. Yeah, he seems to have switched to a pistolatory mode. These letters are beautiful. Yeah, he seems to have switched to a pistol-letory mode. A pistol error? Okay, so you have to pick who chooses next.

I pick the beautiful flower that sits right next to me. Oh, that's real nice. Okay. I'm taking the fucking sword. Oh, shit. Motherfuck. Dearspew. Oh.

Oh. I don't know the backstory behind this. I didn't listen. Oh, man. I can't believe we gave Flower one of the most powerful weapons in all of Foon. No, no, no, no, no. I can't believe that gave Flower one of the most powerful weapons in all of food. No, but no, but no, but no, but no, but no. I can't believe that her neck hurts from... Whoa!

She's a natural... Whoa! Oh, look at me! Don't look at me! Her plume, her flower, herself fell off. Ornie, I forget is that the pubes? That's right. I forgot flowers is pubes.

Flowers is pubes. Father, don't forget your bubs. Flowers is bubs. Father, don't forget your little flower, Gwendling. All here alone in the castle. Where I need smust, ask thee, please come and save me. I have been trapped here for so long, and they only give me gruel to eat. Only one fucking empathetic saw in this whole place. Wow.

Oh god, now do late. Is it a car? Yes. Buddy, you okay? Why wouldn't I be? Does it name Gwendo and mean anything to you? Gwendo. Is Daddy in the room? Gwendo.

Stop saying that. Largely, Daddy. Long ago, I did encounter a young maiden who had been trapped in a castle for a long time, and she pleaded with her father to be set free. And since he never came, I do not know if he just did not care. I was murdered on the way to save her. I saved her instead in his place. And then she went off and she started a business

and became a very successful baker. Whoa. Flower, who gets the pick of gift next? I'm gonna say, chan. Oh, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chan, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, chunch, What are your plans, Junt? I don't know what to do with this. Do I eat them? I make witchmen of paws, I don't know.

Put one in one of your ears, and one in another one of your ears. Yes. And then yeah, one in your bubble. Yeah, that's, yeah, and have a happy holiday. Thank you. Thank you. And because of that, because of that good deed, Claudia, I'd like you to choose next. Oh boy. Well, what an embarrassment of riches. Okay. Well, let's see, empty cup, fucked up bird.

And can I ask you, Claudiai, you brought the cup. Yes. Where did you get it? Did you get it from that magical place called the green room? Yes, I got it from the magical place called the green room. I was doing some potting myself, but I quit that. So I think I'm going to go ahead and take this bird. I'm looking for a new pet.

Ah, let's see. Awnee, it's your turn then. Awnee, go. So somehow there are still three gifts that I'm gonna choose from. Ah, Arnie, I can't hear. Oh, you put them in your ears. Look here, though, John, don't lose track of those strings.

You don't now want to lose those in your ears. In fact, the easiest way to do is put the strings in the mouth. Then you'll never lose track. Yeah, take them out after eight hours. You'll get toxic chaxes. Yes. There you go. That's youries. Yes. There you go. That's your safety.

That's your general safety. There you go. Keep track. Nope. This is all I've got. Oh yeah. Too much beard. Feeling pretty good about 89.5 now.

Still worse. Who's up next? I guess I guess I'm gonna take the tapestry. You fools, you fell for my trick the entire time. Now it is my turn to choose again. And I pick the most valuable relic here. Oh, now I am Lord of the Hot Doggings. Fuck. Arnie, come on. Oh, hot dog, Lord. I do pledge my soul and body to your delicious encased kingdom.

Once again, no, I'm not even gonna say it. What, no Arnie, say it. Once again, the butthole of Rothers down on their knees for a weiner. Oh, that gets a big ol' bing. Oh! Oh! Now, oh, fuck you!

No! Use it or, if the hat doesn't stay on your head, you're not pure of heart. But I'm the purest of us all. I've spent all my days and nights fighting evil, looking for ways to overcome that which does keep us down. Yay! Those who are oppressed shall be lifted up by a Yusudor. And then by my side, those who are so unencumbered shall join my fight and we shall write all the wrongs and food. And I would like that hot dog hat. You put into my pressure on yourself Yusudor. Yeah, you're putting a goddamn pressure on yourself, you said,

I am? Yeah, you're putting a goddamn hat on a hat. That's not going to stay. You got to take something away before you put something on. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, I got a sword. Your right flower, my burdens that I bear are too great. Oh, low how the weight of

responsibility has worn me down, which is why in the spirit of the winter solstice season and the spirit of giving, I bequeath this hat back to Arnold. Oh, wow. It is the reason for the season. Which means now you saw you get to steal something. Oh, look at the reason for the season. Which means now you store, you get to steal something. Oh, look at Ony when he puts the hat on. Fuck. There's kind of a glow around you.

Sort of like with their lighting you different. It's a moon lighting thing. Oh, really? Arnie will us to do something, wink. It's kind of a moon lighting thing. Yeah, really? Arnie will us to do something, wink. It's kind of a moon lighting thing. No. I just feel uncomfortable the way you guys look at me when I'm wearing this hot dog hat.

Well, you took it off so we don't give a shit. Yeah, fuck you did. Look, first of all, it's got ketchup on it, so. Look, first of all, it's got ketchup on it, so. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Wow, imagine your whole personality revolving around a condom in O.F.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, mother of body. Neil before Claudia. Woo! Flower, you can say, flower. I can say, oh yes, girls. This is just for the butthole boys, yes, oh Just for the but hole boys Claudia it was boy Claudia it wasn't until you took your hat off that I realized with your hairstyle how much you look like slim good

Yep, I got a naked suit underneath this. It's just my skin. All right, I want you, but all boys, to sing me a holiday song. Fuck. Thank you, Flower. Thank you. I'm enjoying your rain.

In three part harmony. Three parts. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. It's actually very good. Oh, man. Ding, we're not. Hmm. Oh, that was a good try, guys.

Good try. So I said, just a season, and you screamed hot, I swear, hold on. In my defense, I said, freaky hot dog. Okay, you sort of did you sing anything? No, I'd let you both step it in. Five, six, seven, eight. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I'm a peer, I'm a peer, I'm a peer, I'm a peer. Silver Owls.

Silver Owls. You start. We don't have to do more. We don't have to do more. Oh, great. Put me out of my misery. You know, this is reminding me though that holidays aren't about gifts.

What? Thank goodness because otherwise, what a mess. Yeah, also thank goodness because nobody picked Claudius Cup. Well, the ham was out of it. Yeah, but the cup wasn't neglected. Yeah. I'll take it home, put some oils in it. Barney, what were you saying about it not being about gifts? Now I feel like I'm supposed to do something with a cup,

but I don't know what. Whatever you're going to say, would it kill you to work in a cup? Okay, you know, the holidays aren't about gifts, like a great cup, really great cup. If it were about gifts, a cup would be like the best gift of all. And if you're thinking I'm gonna line us this, I don't know any gospel verses. You know, I think sometimes we give each other gifts because we don't know just how to tell each other how much we love the people on our lives.

When we think that giving them physical things, even if those physical things are, let's be honest, shit. Why'd you look at me? I enchanted a bird. But look, at the end of the night, we throw away a gift or put it on a shelf. Do we forget that we put it there or we... Or we use the cup more? No.

Or we just think about what a great cup that is. Nice. Arnie, speak into the cup. Oh, thank you, Arnie. Thank you. And your mic. And also the microphone. But also the mic.

The greatest gift of all is just friendship. And now say, I could never be your woman. I could never be a woman. I could never be a woman. I could never be a woman. Hi, damn, I'm a husband. Well, what? That's a magical cup already. I know I said a bunch of stuff about how about holidays or not about gifts and they're

about friendship, but that was just what you say when the gifts suck. It is about good gifts if you get one. I didn't realize how cool this cup is. Yeah, what do you think Claudio is going to bring some hot trash? There was good meat in there and it's a magical cup you ding dong. Yeah, I mean get ready for every episode to start Hello from the magic damper and a weekly progress from the magical end of the world. Yes And then I'll come in and be like

Yeah, bring bouncy Silver elves Silver elves Silver elves It's Christmas time in the forest That was my own time I saw two I Saw L's one two and three Yep, that's how counting works.

Wait, you know what? I think like it's a little bit of both. It's like about gifts and it's not, because we showed up, we brought stuff, even though some of us really pulled it together the last minute. I'm still so disturbed by the fact that the meat is still on the floor. When I know that was in your hand, but I still hold your hand.

I'll still do it. I think that... Arnie, is this what you're talking about? We brought ourselves. We brought some crappy shit, but we also brought ourselves. And we showed up Arnie we did it No, you're hand your hand. I want what they have Claudia help

Oh Christmas say aunts. Oh, yes, let's all Oh, oh yes! Let's all... Claudia, can you speak to the Christmas spirit or some holiday spirit? Yes, hold on, L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- Oh my gosh. I see it. I see it. What? It's dead Santa. He's, he's, he's, but he's in many forms. Hold on. He's here.

He's there. He's everywhere. He's bringing gifts. He's bringing joy. He's punching children in the face. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, I wish you all could see it. Close your eyes.

Wow, no. No, no, no. No, all could see it close your eyes. Oh No Give it a try use the doors eyes are close. Oh Yes, oh here come the horses Horses you can hear the rain deer tap, tap, tapping on your wizard face. Oh, in Santa, what has he left you? Oh, he hasn't left you anything. You've been a bright little wizard. What?

He says, so long, bad wizard. Oh, so long, bad wizard. Now, I was a good wizard. Oh, you're long. Oh, he takes a wizz in your wizard hat. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now my wizard hat is filled with urine. And off he goes, what a beautiful memory. Arnie, did you see that? It's like he almost took off his hat, but his hair came with it. Yes. That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. I used to do it. Arnie's right. Open your eyes.

You can open your eyes, you used to do it. Okay. Arnie's right. The holiday season isn't about gifts. I mean, yeah, mostly, but also it's about other stuff. Arnie, come on. Yeah, look, all I'm saying is, if we're ever going to end the show, we have to figure out

what the fucking holidays is about. Sometimes it's just, you know, some others just be like, yeah, it's about kindness. Yeah, you know what Arnie be like, it's about kindness. Yeah. You know what Arnie, I think it's about, after a long time, years even, people showing up to support you. Yeah.

It's beautiful. About those who started the journey with you or joined weeks ago, or maybe we're dragged on the path today. Sure, yeah. But still willing to carry some of the burden and support you along your path. Yes. I guess even if you're losing your hair. In a non-traditional way. Yeah. Chunk is what you're saying and I'm using some of your words. Did you want to thank everybody? Forced and for putting up with the burden of

This show To all the people who are in their car with the windows down, listening to whatever, and another car rolls up with their windows down. They look over at you like, what the fuck is that? And you turn it down real quick and you go, it's about a guy who fell behind the burger king. And you're like, they about a guy who fell behind the burger. And you're like, they don't always talk about buttholes. And just mostly, we thank you and we love you.

We love you. And to all the people, when their family, over a nice dinner, says, did you make any friends? And they go, kind of, I have a parasocial relationship with three adult men who wear pajamas with a big fucking grin on your face, thank you. Arnie, did I cross this threshold to where I'm being mean? I... God, this is bless us everyone

Did you hear that did you hear that bell ring? Come on Ding Ding Ding dong ding Arnie a bunch of people just yell, dong at you. You truly are the hot dog king. Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong.

That's our show. Thank you so much! It's endearing to hear Adel getting horse towards the end because it means his voice is getting tired of the show at the same time we are. Use it or the wizard was played by Math Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adel Rafaia. Flower, the talking flower, was played by Brooke Bright. Claudia the Witch was played by Beth Miloski. Special thanks to everyone behind the scenes at Taliaol, whose names the cast never took the time

to learn. Want to see pictures from the live show? I can guarantee the costume work is different than what you're picturing. A bunch of professional photos from the show are part of the Patreon post for this episode. Thanks to Kyle Telecon for taking those pictures. Check out Kyle's non-magic tavern photography work at cityisefoto.com. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters

of the Magic Tavern Patreon. People like, this is a huge list of names. Are there really this many people? Okay. People like Antonio Santos, Loka Burb and their cats Sir Snookham's pantaloons. Am I legally required to report animal cruelty? Chris Bemis, Rebecca, Jeffrey Wires, Michelle McGelligat, Transfigurations Professor, Wendell E, Nell, Dan from the magical fantastical land

of Pennsylvania, keep telling yourself that, Dan. Megan Allen, Stuart Long, Dirk Funk, and Scott, the King of all the Snakes Clark. LinkedIn will love that job title. Patrons like all the people I was just forced to mention get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young, and Adel Refeier, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the magic tavern logo by Allered Labam, magic tavern theme by Andy Pouland. Some of you are thinking, don't they usually take a week or two off around the holidays? Well you're correct. We'll be taking the next two weeks off, but don't they usually take a week or two off for them the holidays? Well, you're correct. We'll be taking the next two weeks off, but don't worry, we'll still share something fun with you each week. Next week we'll share one of the Patreon episodes on the main feed, so you non-supporters can hear what you might be missing.

The following week we'll post a full episode of something special that hasn't been shared anywhere else yet. And then we'll be back with a new, Hello from the Magic Tavern episode on Monday, January 16th. See you then! Ugh, I did it! I did all those credits in my best mysterious man voice. Was that good? Did it work?

Yeah, I think it worked for now. It should hold at least for the next few weeks. There was a lot to get through in that outro. But if it's somehow saving podcast listeners and all of reality from some terrible evil, I guess it's worth it. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Stiffin. You have it slightly mixed up. We are saving all of reality from a terrible evil, but that terrible evil is in what you think.

The thing we're doing every week is saving all of reality from the podcast listeners. What? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!