Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 61 - What Happened to DQ

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

The mystery of D'athaniel Quen'yarvin's imprisonment finally come to light.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiD'athaniel Quen'yarvin: Tim RyderMysterious Man: Tim SniffenDirector Ward: Shane WilsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Everything is looking good. Just one quick note. At the end, can you find a way to mention Garrett Schultz twice? Hank seems to be particularly pacified by that one.

Double the Garrett's got it. Dr. Ward. Director. Sorry, director Ward, everything is so much clearer since you've arrived. Tim, Tim, Tim. I just want to get you the help you need. Right. I'm still a little worried about the fate of the world. Should I be contacting anyone to let them know, friends, or a loved one, or... Hmm. I see. Well, this is disappointing. What? I thought we'd finally gotten through to you, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have gone to someone who would take this seriously, like...

Phoebe Judge. No, no, no, I can do my part. You're sure? Yes, see, I'll show you. Let's get started. People of the following podcast is not real. As proof, it contains all the flaws and tiny imperfections that are the whole mark of everyday life.

Don't believe us? Listen for yourself. Sit back and enjoy the show. Oh, boy. Make you think, really make you think. Man, what is... I hate to say it. What a sad funeral. I know. It's definitely one of the sadder ones I have ever attended, but I was so worried about Trongo. You know, Trongo and Sosy Kyle had become very good friends lately. Really, I had no idea. I had no idea anybody was friends with Sosy Kyle.

Yeah, Trongo called Sosy Kyle Papa, and I gotta say, Papa loves Drongo. Well, I suppose that Stan had no choice but to murder Sasi Kyle is his wanton life. Yeah, can I ask you guys, did anybody feel weird about being in a funeral for someone, in this case Sasi Kyle, who weak previously, we had casually said, oh, you can kill Sasi Kyle. So in some ways, that's on us. In some ways, but in other ways, it definitely is not. Well, in one way, it's on us, and that we said that.

But in all the ways, it is not on us. And can I just say, I think I pinpointed why this funeral was so sad. I've been to so many funerals in the middle bottom and it feels like there's always someone being like uh oh dead time or someone being like wake him up and I realized that was saucy Kyle no right he brought such levity enjoy to all the previous funerals and out of worry his funeral no one's doing that for him yes no one no one laughed wadds at that funeral. That's a bad funeral.

Yeah, I tried to make a fart sound, and I just got shushed. Yeah, I condemn it, Kyle. Yes, blah. Yeah, well, I... Which kind of in Kyle was dead? Maybe next week. Look, back to the point about whether it's our fault or not.

Sure, after the episode was over, did I hand a knife directly to Stan? Yes, did I then push you ways two ways that's are then did I push that knife into saucy kios abdomen? Three ways not very much. It was mostly Stan. So I don't feel any responsibility. What's so ever? Well, no, that's out of the way Hello from the magic tavern. Oh Well, now that's out of the way. Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, mall leather, green leather, mall leather. All right, I'm ready. Oh, I almost forgot. Oh, God. This is so embarrassing.

We ride together. We ride together. We ride together. Bad boys for life. You know you need a unique orc. You know you need a unique orc. Okay, I'm ready. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host, aren't you, Nick? Can't if you need me. I need you to interrupt, but is there... Is there anything else we can do to just kind of freshen up this opening, perhaps, you know, put a new spin on it, give it, breathe some new life into the show.

Like, perhaps you could say, Egypt,MT. TMT. You say I'm gonna ask your question in just a second, but first I have to ask, did you interrupt and then take a beat to think about why you're interrupting? No, I just, I hadn't fully formed the idea

about what I was suggesting, but I knew that we needed something new. Hello from HFTMT. Sorry, I can't quite my brain will allow me to grasp. What are you saying? Hello, Tom. HFTMT. HF.

T.M.T. Oh, how is it possible that sounds like you're saying several letters at exactly the same time? HFTMT. Oh, HFTMT. Horse fuckers. Talk, much talk. Is that our new podcast? Are you saying like high definition

teenagers written in the turtles? Like what are you saying? I don't know, I just had an acronym. It's just it's HIPPER, it's cooler. You know, saucy kiles gone now. So who's gonna just, you know, make wonderful quips and make us all laugh? I know this is a serious podcast and you're a serious journalist, but that boring. All right, fine, look, I'll validate your idea,

you should work. Go ahead, do your weird way of starting the episode. Go, I'm, okay. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, HF TMT. Hey, aren't you sort of a blessing at you here? Who wants to get naughty? I'm sorry, timeout. We never signed off on the yo, yo, yo, yo. I was gonna say the exact same thing, Sean. We are in the Trojan horse that in.

I know. If I had known, there was gonna be a yo, yo, yo, I would never have approved that. And of course, Arnie, I'll tell you about the Trojan horse another time here in food. It's just it's a weird bedtime story. Sounds sexy. But you saw I am on board with the abbreviation. It's just the yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo Yeah, I'm sorry. I hated all of that. I don't know why I was compelled to make those you saw was pressing on the tough of my head I just made those sounds are you a sound badger? Maybe that was kind of fun here. Let me let me

Used to say something and then I'm gonna press a chun's head Let's eat a whole pig Kick shit The whole pig. Kick shit. Hmm. That's kind of fun. Buh-buh-buh-buh-bunkers. Huh.

Interesting. I think this is exactly what the show needs. Okay. Uh, well, I am joined as always by my zoo crew, Chant the Talking Badger. Ladies, love pistachios! Huh, that was a weird preset. And you said we're the wizard who is dead and is a ghost. That's right.

I am Yusudor. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimum Litter of Magical Lights, Demower of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Trockus, the Elves Nomeus, Fying Elk, the Dwarves Nomeus, Zonini of the Stinges, and I was known in all the Easter's guess- WHEN IS MACE STAH? But now I'm Blastnature with my full flavor, with my Cantina buddies, eating

eating chips and getting naked. What? What are you talking about? I don't know, Arnie. This is kind of exciting. I guess so. I feel like this is more like a drive time thing. Let's make some prank calls. And by calls, I mean send weird letters. Let's send weird letters.

Let's send weird letters. Here's a scroll. Yeah. Here's a scroll for you, Yusador. And here's, oh wait, here. This is a scroll that already has writing on it. Oh, I forgot. I got another scroll from Crelbar who's threatening to kill me because I'm the greatest warrior in all of food. Crelbar who's threatening to kill me because I'm the greatest warrior in all of fun. Krelbar. You know what I noticed on the back of the scroll? It came from droopy knockers retirement home for villains.

Oh, I don't think anybody's ever said the phrase it came from droopy knockers. Hmm, snob. Now, so what you're telling me is Krelbarba that despicable villain, one of my most hated enemies, is retired and living in a retirement home? Maybe that's why he thought he was dead. Oh, maybe. Well, I will have to look into this because I'm quite interested.

I, you know, I hope he's well until I murder him for his evil acts of despicableness. But guys, can I just say enough death talk? Alright, let's talk about life. Let's live life. That's what Sasi Kyle would want us to do. Wait, that reminded me of something. Life, live your life, live hard, hard bread, bread is food. Feed quenjarven? Fuck.

Did we ever feed? Oh no. Oh no. I'm sure I'm actually sent him some food. I wouldn't worry about it. He's an elf, so he was able to survive without food for at least eight or nine weeks. And that wasn't more than eight or nine weeks ago

that we left him in that dungeon, right? Motherfuck, I wrote DQ on the back of my hand, so I'd remember to feed him, but then I think I lost my hand, it had to regrow it. I, oh, I feel so bad. Oh, fuck, this is another otoc thing where we just totally forgot to do something for way too long. What did we forget to do for O-Toc?

Uh, you saw, do you mind, are you able to fast travel us? Did we discover the gate near, uh, where was he at? Cash. He's called Master. Cash, let's go, do we, did we discover the, the gateway of every time? Every time we touch one of the tapestries, we can then go to any of the other tapestries that we've touched. Oh my god, is it? You never told me that before. Why hasn't spent weeks traveling so many other times?

Well, because hadn't touched the tapestries there yet. It's simple, is that already? We hadn't touched the tapestries. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen up. So we can only fast travel to places we've already been. Yeah, well obviously. Obviously. Okay, let's fast travel. places we've already been. Yeah, well obviously. Obviously. Okay, let's fast travel. Here we go. Everyone touch it or- Wait, I'm so sorry though. I'm also have a Threatening's scroll from Skullmaster.

Who also wants to kill me? I don't want to go to Castle Skullmaster. I mean, you get a lot of Threatening Scrolls these days. Now being in the greatest warrior in food. Now, I'm sure your time is limited here on this world. We'll have a very nice funeral for you. And I promise that someone will fill in for Sasi Kyle and make fun of you that whole time. Yeah, Arnie, I understand there's all these threats

at your door as you read these scrolls, but a wise man once said, life is for the living. Oh shit, that's right, that was so wise. This is a weird coincidence, but is it just me or her? Over there by the bar? Hmm. Is that Daphneil Kwanjarven? Oh, I don't say his name, first of all.

And second of all, yes, it looks very much like him. A spitting image. I know I could recognize him because he's staring right at me and scowling. Hmm. I'd know that scowl anywhere. Let me say his name because if you say to the Langram, the Thadnial Quintiab, please join us over here. He's walking over here.

Greetings from the forest. Oh, indeed, your eyes do not deceive you, Fiann-Yelik. Desi, Dathaniel, Quinn, Yorvin. What an honor to see you again. One of my dear friends, you must sit with us and crush a cup and tell us all the tales that have transpired since we last saw thee. Can I get you some mozzarella lawns, Yungi bed? Chant, my shape shifting friend. Tis an honor, as always, to see you, and yes,

I would love some of those aforementioned wands. Oh, great. And human. That is hardening. Hello. We've been through a lot together over the years. Have we been through a lot together or have a lot of terrible injustices and indignities been perpetrated upon me at your hands?

How would you classify it? I think it's the second one. I wouldn't say at my hands. I would say at worst as a result of my neglect. Is it a human thing to make a division between those two things? Is one worse than the other? Is neglect worse than doing it yourself? He's got you there!

Yeah, that is a human thing. So, death, if I can call you death. You may not. How you doing, buddy? What do you have been up to? We haven't seen you since Castle Skullmaster. Ah, human. What have I not been up to? I have kicked the sky atop the highest mountain in Foon. Oh! I have sampled the very nectar of the gods. Oh. I died. I befriended a fox.

Yes, me. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. You sampled the nectar? Was it a free sample? It was. They were just handing it out. It was. Wow.

So sweet. I thought it was going to be, you know, pretty good nectar of the gods. You think like that's okay. That's saying something. And then you try it and oh my gods, it's even better than you could imagine. Yeah, there's an elf.

You often get to drink ambrosia. So you're like, oh, nectar of the gods, no biggie. But then you have it. And you're like, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Indeed, I was, I was, it made me say something that I thought I would never say. And that thing was yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

This nectar is baller. Kind of weird slowed down like that. So after the nectar, you died. And then what was I? Befriend a fox. Yes A little bow tie After I befriended him I gave him a bow tie So that so that everyone in the forest would know that he is a special fox. He is

Diffaniel's friend I Hope that the fox didn't grow up and you grew up at the same time and then you had to kick it to death. I have not gotten to that point yet. Okay, good. Thankfully, although, if now that you bring it up, I am sensing a conflict brewing in our friendship. His name is, I named him Centurri. Well, Elves and Foxes, natural enemies, everyone knows. So that's wonderful that you be offended of Fox. Well, I, I should clarify more that he was not the first Fox that I befriended.

Was he like the 20th, 22nd? He was the 21st Centauri Fox that I have offended. Oh no. Indeed, yes. I didn't see that coming at all. Dithiniel, sorry, I might have misheard. You got the Improja. For example, sounds incredible, the nectar of the gods. You prefer the Fox, Centauri Fox.

Somewhere in the valley between those two things, you mentioned you kick the sky at the top of the tile. You're skidding the sky, that's a very, you might be very flexible, very flexible. And then there's something else. Oh, yeah. Oh, I just, I climbed the mountain. And so at the top of the mountain,

you're basically kicking the sky. Now, are you still kicking backwards? Oh, yes. Yes, I kick backwards and forwards and sideways. And I've found that my flexibility has greatly increased lately. Can you kick wonky ways? Sometimes. Wonderful.

Ooh, the mozzarella ones are here. And I got you a side of lunch and married Mirasauce. Ah, thank you. The sight of these wands fills my heart with gratitude and wonder, although I cannot eat them because I am dead and a ghost. That's what it was. You die. Oh no. Right, right, right, right. And so you died from, like you kicked too hard and your leg came out of your socket and died or your heart, your heart died or what? It's probably not starvation related, right?

The nectar was so good you died. Mm. Like, oh, I could just die. It was not starvation related. Oh, so it's not on us. It's not on us. It's not on us. It was not entirely upon you. I was on one way.

It was on you in one way and that you did, you did forget to send me food when I was in the dungeon. So I did want to sort of circle back and see what happened in terms of remembering your friend, Tiki, and the thing that he needed for his survival, like what happened there? Yeah, we'll earmark that topic to return to that. Yeah, we should take a quick break and then maybe we'll talk about that after the break. We'll be right back. So, Definiol, now that you mention it,

you are just a little bit translucent. Like, I can kind of see the bar behind you through you. Yes, so you can see part of the thing that's behind me and not just light coming through me. So human, would you say that I'm in fact slightly transparent? parent. Okay. Oh, that's guy you're there. You fool. Now, it's a wonderful coincidence. I too am a ghost right now. As you know, of course, the dark lord was killed by me. Now, I completed my true purpose. and now having done so, what was used or ascended to the realms of Ephesius, and now all that's left is this ghost, Boop.

Fihangalek, my condolences, and also my congratulations. Thank you. It is odd that I have not seen you at any of the ghost meetups or the afterlife get together that I see from time to time like ghost stuff. Right, right, right, right, right, I've been very busy. You know, unfinished business and all. That sort of nonsense here. You know, that's why Wizard even becomes a ghost. You say, Wizard just turns it to a shaft of light

and shoots off into the sky. And, you know, I just have things I have to do here. I have to protect Arnie. First of all, you know, that's a full-fung job. You said it. And of course, I want to make sure Chunk gets through school. Auga! Oh, sorry, you knocked my head a little bit.

Well, and you know, there's just other little things I want to take care of, like I always wanted to write a book. Sure. Yes. The wisdom contained in a wizard's mind should be shared. Not to mention the number of pithy quotations and sayings that you could share with all of us, but perhaps at the beginning and ends of each chapter, there's just a little like, oh that's good. Oh yeah, yeah, well I have a chapter here if anyone would like me to read from the book. Oh yeah, please.

anyone would like me to read from the book. Oh, yeah. Please. Always take some change with you. You never know when you're going to need some cash. You, Siddore. Wait, you're quoting yourself at the beginning of your chapters? You just heard what he said.

There's pithy wisdom here. That's a little forward. That's good. I did like that a lot. You never know when you'll need some cash. And Nathaniel, I just want to apologize. Clearly, I am partially responsible for not remembering to feed you.

But like he's or said, I've been so fucking bogged down with school. I missed a few classes and I didn't want to be like this to a shapeshifter. So, you know, I've been doing a lot of homework and I've had detention and I stood up to teacher and that was like a big deal. And like everyone was like cheering for me. I stood on top of my desk and it was like this big moment.

But then I got in trouble for that. So school's been pretty wild. I had a girlfriend for a while. I had a boyfriend for a while. What else? Got gum stuck in my fur. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, I feel like I'm boring you.

No. In the second year you went to school, there was a guy who got murdered, but then they kinda didn't talk about that in the subsequent years. Oh yeah, that was so weird. It was really weird. So sure.

Sure, that sounds just like a full slate. Oh, I invented Badger Ball, and then we went to state for Badger Ball But then turned out we went to state because we were the only Badger Ball team because nobody else has heard of Badger Ball And when we explain it to him they didn't want to play it Sure, problem to get new sport off the ground What was the most unappealing aspect of Badger Ball that made people not want to play it? Um, I think it's because you had to have a willing Badger, you had to have a Badger who was willing to be kicked

while they were crulled up in the ball. Does that make sense? Badger is the ball. And I was having a blast. I was like, wee, you know, kicked the hell out of me, but when they would find other Badgers, common Badgers from the forest, if I may, use that term, they were not so gay. And to say you are right, you don't hear a lot of new sports getting off the ground.

And you don't really stop the thing about how hard it is to create a new sport that people can get really excited about. That's a real pickle. I don't know how you do it. Wait, it's weird. It's more than just having to get a team together. You've got to get at least two teams together just to start. When you said real pickle, I had a vision. Hear me out. From real pickle, we play real ball. Two teams meet in the center of a field. They both touch a ball and they agree that it's real. Whoever's last degree loses. See, you need two teams for that too. We're tough. Well, you probably get some teams together here.

Trongo's pretty upset. Probably the game would be good for Trongo. Maybe I can even magically turn its boat legs back into regular legs. Oh, yeah. Oh, what about Ghost Ball? The two of you should play Ghost Ball. Your both ghosts. Just pass it ball through each other to prove your guess. Yes, pass it through me. Of course, I Of course I'll conjure it out of the Ectoplasm floating all about me and here you go. Oh, here's a ball

Right through you. Oh, yes. It felt strange passing through me and now I shall pass it through you Oh, yeah, oh, oh, I'm solid right now. I forgot. I forgot to be, ah, out of phase with reality, so I apologize for that. So, so, so I, I just won Ghost Ball then? Yeah, you won, great job. Oh yeah, nice.

I think it's getting on. So Fying Yaelic is a ghost and Chant was busy with school Human what was your excuse for not feeding me in the dungeon? Well, you know, I'm very busy of course with this podcast But I'm all alone. I don't know if you've heard I am now the greatest warrior in all of food. I Have heard that end of all the things I have ever heard, that is the one that stretches credulity the most.

It's true, I accidentally killed Arnor the warrior, and so now I am the greatest warrior in all of the food. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But it did happen technically. He is the greatest warrior in all food. And, and to Ony's credit, he has recently fought many vampires. Yes. An attempt to do good.

And, you know, I think. Wait, wait, sorry. Sorry, you said to Ony's credit. I've been, can I see the laptop real quick? Oh, are, are you sorry? I don't know if I told you this. I've been adding Ony's credits on IMDB. Oh, what was the credit we want to add? Killed a lot of vampires. Okay, Castle Hawks via. Says not found, but I'll go ahead and publish

it anyway. There you go. There's a look on IMDB. There's a, you put in any name. It's something, somewhere. Killed a lot of vampires. This God exists. Okay, let's see here. Tom Scarrett. Directed by Sam Mendez. Is that something? I don't watch it. Written by Diablo Cody. Getting better.

Ah, these are such weird names. Earthlings have such weird names. I've always thought that. Would you like to hear the story of how I died? Oh yes, is there a forward by you, Sador? Yes, I believe I have asked him to write the forward to the story. You should know if you please. Yes, here we go. Only makes sense for a ghost to do the forward for another ghost doing a solid. Well, that, sorry, that came out wrong. Not doing a solid doing a, um, they gave solid. Thank you. I was preheat, David. Huh, you didn't pay him for that, did you? We will negotiate his payment, the barn receipt that was not as pithy as I was hoping,

although very useful. Yeah, of course. And now I'd love to hear that. Let me just get comfortable on the table. Love to hear the story of your death. You may remember when last we met, I was the founder of a new movement and school of thought that was definitely not a cult called kickism. That's right. Not a cult called kickism. That's right. Not a cult, for sure.

Thank you. Agreed. And though I did not receive food from you in the dungeon, I was eventually rescued by my devout followers, most of whom, by pure coincidence, were female. And no one tells you when you start a new school of thought that a lot of your time is just management, just dealing with people and problems and time and not as much kicking as you would like.

So I have followers coming up and saying, you know, Dathanyo, come kick with me. And another follower says, oh, come sit by this brook and meditate about kicking with me. And it just gets to be a lot. And so you start giving them little things, and promises, guarantees. I found that one maiden was very excited when I, as the master, called her the one of the one. I'm sorry, the master, it's just easier of a school of thought.

The party is just easier. I remember. As the master, I said that you are the one true bride of the master. And it made her so happy that I, the next time I was in a bit of a stew, told another maiden that she was the one true bride of the master.

Okay. Long story short, I told it to like 30 maidens, and I didn't think that they would talk to each other about it, and then he kissed it. How many maidens were in this, not a cult? Like 30. I told all of them. So all of them. I told all of them.

You didn't think any of them would talk to each other? Not about this. I thought that that would be like a cool secret between us. Because I told them when I said that they were the one true bride, I said, hey, let's keep this a cool secret between us. So what so you obviously got, you know, in a very tough spot in this not a cult, but you haven't quite told us how you went clear. Yes. So they talked to each other and they got really mad and they tore me limb from

them. That do it, that do it. And that I ascended, I tried to get away by climbing the ladder. There was a ladder, there was a ladder nearby, like it was up to a loft in a barn, but they just followed, they climbed the ladder with me. Now, I've always been so curious,

just when you use the term limb from limb, you have just, you know, you've experienced being torn limb from limb. To me, all the limbs are connected to a sort of a thorax abdomen area, the central mass, right? So when they say tearing limb from limb, is it something where they like take off a leg, sew it onto an arm, and then take that off?

How does that work? Chant my good friend, I regret to inform you that that is exactly what happened. Oh, oh no, your precious legs, your beautiful legs. My beautiful, my beautiful, long, incredibly powerful legs. Those kick sticks, I love your kicksticks. Sone and contorted into the most vial of creations, and then torn a sunder.

Did it hurt more the first time or the second time? Surprisingly, the second. We wouldn't think so because it's just a fresh stitch, but it was the worst. You know what? The second what time was bad. The third time got a little better. Because I knew what the second time was like, so I thought it was ready for it. And then the fourth time, he got bad again. I have to ask though, how would Arnie remember him to bring you food of health?

I feel like I just would have had a full stomach for the ladder climbing. I could have climbed it faster and pulled it up behind me. It sounds like you're going clear anyway. You're gonna end up translucent, regardless of food. It's just how I see it. The end result is I went clear. But I'm gonna semi-terran-spare it.

Transparent. Speaking of clear, I think my conscience is totally translucent on this one, because I'm irresponsible for a lot of stuff, but this one is just not on me. Whatever you need to tell yourself, human to sound, to sleep soundly at night, is what you will tell yourself. And I don't know how you update this thing, Shun. It looks like there's just a bunch of Jack Box Party Pack shit on here. Party Pack, that's from the safe. Party Pack. Party Pack. Party Pack.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Party Pack. Yo, yo, yo's fun to say. PartyPak. PartyPak. PartyPak. Yo yo yo yo yo! PartyPak. Yo yo yo yo yo. PartyPak. Wait, it doesn't have my episode of you can't do that on television? I don't, I don't see it now. Oh, this again. You always bring that up. You said you got slined? Yeah. Next to a Lannus morisette and moose. What is that? What does that mean? Does any of what happened to the 30 maidens?

They, as near as I could tell, from my limb from limb form, which very quickly became a ghost-like, they sort of started their own thing. And it turns out that they're super close now. I guess lying to them sort of brought them all close together, and they've formed a sort of collective where they dig the spirit of kickism and extend it outward. I think that they've sort of lost the thread a bit in getting away from kicking solely as the school of thought through which all thoughts

are presented, but they're doing fine. They started a farm commune thing, and they're super happy, which honestly is infuriating. But they're not happy for them. It's like this is what it could have been and what I was trying to get to and I don't know why everyone got so mad at me, the guy who brought everyone together, it's like, what can you do? You can't win for losing. And this is where I do the outro for the story of the bagel, yes, yes, this is the after word if you would.

You said, an apple a day a dragon won't slay. An apple a day a dragon won't slay. Now famously dragons don't slay night slay. Um, right, but eating an apple day won't slay a dragon. It just doesn't rhyme when you say it in that order. I see. If you're willing to believe that I have some tiger spray to sell you my dear man

How much money do you want? Twenty gold. I'll give you 40. That's my final offer No deal Do you hear all of our questions gonna be in your book? Oh, yes Will that one be in the book this yes? This is all just going about that one yep that one too This going right in it'll be more of an oral history I suppose and a transcribed conversation so If you like that sort of thing well if this is an oral history, I've got some crazy stories about Chevy Chase being a real asshole.

I'm sorry, what? Never mind. It goes back to my time when you can't do that on television. I want to hear one. I want to hear one. You sir, quick to an intro. So, already can tell the story about JVJ being an asshole. Uh, well let's see, um, um, don't ever give, uh, your only sword to your enemy. So it was the first season of you came to that on television. This is before we hired BARF,

the sort of really gross old guy who would play like, uh like the restaurant owner or the dad. Was Alistair there already? I let's say yes. Okay. And so in that first season it was Chevy Chase. And look, was there something about him? Did you have a certain charisma? Absolutely.

But he was like, I got to get off of this Canadian television show. And he just sort of left us behind. And that's fine. Well, he left you behind. Can you do that on TV? You can't do that on television. Oh, wow. But here's the thing.

That was fine. But it was worse is when he came back to do a guest spot and you can't do that on television. And he was just a jerk to everybody. And he was attacking people with his little bird. And I took him out into the hallway and I said medium talons. I'll get the outro in this usador. Thank you. The difference between a brown noser and an askissor is depth perception.

Very good. And then all of that will also be in my book. Oh, and your book, yes. Yep, smart. You're getting a lot of good content here today. Oh, you can't release it. I'm still trying to chavey chase on this podcast. Too late, it's in the book. Shit. Well, we need to take a break and figure out how to come back from this huge mistake we've made.

If you're out there, Mr. Chase, oh, apologies. He said that? No. Never mind, fuck to every chase. Uh, did he? What are you gonna do? Look, I know this is my catchphrase, but what's next? Ah, yes. The eternal question. No less thoughtful. Even coming from the mouth of such an abhorrent being is you, human.

Hmm. What is next? For I find myself as this ghostly figure able to go anywhere, and do almost anything. And yet, my heart goes back to what it has always wanted. Yes? To kick. It has lost some of its pleasure I must admit.

My shin and feet sort of just pass through things. Right, when I, you, I'm sure experienced that all the time, fying garlic as a ghost, just pass through things that you reach for. Yeah, look at me, pass right through this chair I'm sitting on. Whoa! It was more falling out of a chair. Yeah, passed right through that.

Accelerated, pretful, ghost thing. Yeah, because I was just so, just non-corporeal, you know? You know, I thought I was gonna do. I thought for some reason an exaggerated pretfall would be pretty funny. It's just kind of sad.

Ernie, what did you say happened to that, Chevy Chase? Anyway, sorry, we got off topic. Well, it wouldn't be funny, if Sasi Kyle had been here to be like, look at him or something, just the way he said it't have been funny, Chant, if Sasi Kyle had been here to be like, look at him or something, you know, just the way he said it, well it would have been funny. Well, no. He's Chevy Chase in Kyle's, not. Does that make sense? Right. Yeah. So the thing, you want to kick?

I do, I want to kick people's faces, I want to kick trees, I want to kick mountains. And I can. I just sort of float there and extend my ghostly limbs. Yeah. I think you're not really kicking anything. You're just sort of kicking near things. Wow. Well, Arnie, now hold on, this is a philosophical question that we must answer. Now the Daniel Quinn-Jarvan is not making contact with the things he's kicking at, but in essence, is he still not kicking? I think he's kicking. He's not kicking those things. But isn't he?

If we're asking philosophical questions, I have one from a while ago, or you got Tournament Limb from Limb, when you had your limb torn off, at what point, how many limbs did it have to be ripped off for you to stop being Dathannio Kwenjarvan? Because when they replace the limb, is it still Dathannio Kwenjarvan, or is it a brand new person when they reapply your limbs? Does that make sense? I think around the fifth time I stopped being Nathaniel Quenjorven and started being just a sort of being of pure pain, and without name or form or thought or function.

Like a Santa bite? Or you stop raising how? This seems like an insult. Sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd for those references. I'm a pinhead. Is it still kicking if one does not make contact? Or is it perhaps the most purest form of kicking? Kicking for kicking's sake?

Hmm. Yeah, do you have to hit something to really kick? I guess not. Yes, I think the outcome is not the point. I think the journey is the point. The journey of kicking. So if you are meant to kick, then kick away, my friend. Yeah, it's not about the destination.

It's about the journey. And the destination is whatever you're kicking, but the journey is the kick itself. So if it's not about, if it's about the journey and not the destination, you can kick without kicking. Yes. It's like a lot of actors who say, you know, my job is auditioning.

Yeah. And if they don't have a book, anything, they're still an actor, I guess. Hey, if you say you're something, nobody has the energy to argue with you. You're not getting a single fucking paycheck for it? Sure, whatever you want, buddy. DQ, I don't know if you're not a cult

in any conception of what the afterlife was like, but is it possible you're being punished? I mean, the one thing you love to do, you can't really do. I had not considered it as such. Yeah, maybe the gods, maybe the afterlife, maybe they're telling you to kick rocks. Oh.

One thing that I truly love, I can no longer do, except in the most base expression. Well, human, once again, one statement from you has completely turned around my mental state. Oh! Whereas before I was enjoying my afterlife and feeling pretty good about things, now I am once again having spent the most brief of time with you spiraling down deeper into what seems to be an endless abyss of torment and sorrow.

Such is the effect your presence has on my life. Arnie, you might want to retake the noise you made earlier. You're, oh, me and it sounded like it was a good thing. Clearly, it sounds like you've upset him. So do you want to take that noise again? You know what I want to do. And look, DQ, I love you. You're a good friend. But you see all these scrolls on this table?

These are requests from people all over Fune. of you, you're a good friend. But you see all these scrolls on this table? These are requests from people all over Fune of me, the greatest warrior of all Fune. And see this scroll? This is a scroll from the brides of Nauticalt, an organization that reached out to me and asked me to find a way to summon your spectral form and to let you know how unhappy

they are with you. Not a cult, I think I have their cologne. So your attempt to pull me out of my spiral is to tell me that a group of people is very upset with me. And this is to make me feel better. No. It's the proof that I am the greatest warrior and all of food you sell a bitch. Damn worthless. Why? My God's this is torment. DQ, this is going to make you feel even worse. Then why the saying why I One what why I do not like this newfound confidence in you human in his very off putting

Defend you I hate to say it but doing the quick math in my head because of course famously Arnie can't You said yourself if Arnie would have given you a little bit of food, you would have made it up the ladder, perhaps, thus he didn't give you the food, thus he did kill you. So that's another notch on his belt. Arnie means undefeated. Pull up IMDB. Okay, let's see here.

Didi didi didi didi, let me type in fight. Street fighter, Raul Julia.. Street fighter Raul Jolia. What's a Raul Jolia? Ugh. I don't have time to fully give that the credit it deserves. Kylie Manog, Blanca. What are these names? I'll say it again, Earthlings have the weirdest names.

But look, DQ, even though I summoned you here, tricked you and made you feel even worse and kind of like ruined your entire afterlife. I would like you to know, I still consider you a friend. I'm so happy you're here and it's nice to catch up, buddy. I do not consider you a friend. So that relationship is pretty one way, one-sided. Let me type in not friends Not Phoebe not Ross not Chandler who are these who are these Ernie? Not Marcel. There's a picture of a monkey Ernie. What is this? There's a picture of a monkey on here How did Annie summon a ghost?

Usador when we are in Castle Hawkshire fighting all of those vampires. I found this life stone It apparently has a lot of magical properties, and I use it to summon a ghost. Here can I have it? DQ, do you remember what you were doing before you came to the tavern? I was definitely not at the commune of not a cult, creeping. Mm, yeah. That's, creeping. Mm, yeah.

That's it. All right, yeah. That was a mess. I was with it to you, said the word creeping. Yeah, I think I'm on the side now. Ah, Ah, please give me that life stone. I must have its magical powers. That's sure, I've already used it.

I don't like to use magical things more than once. Well, you can use it anytime, just ask. Okay, I won't. Also, Nathaniel, sorry, buddy, you're a ghost now. If you keep creeping around these maidens like you're gonna bag one, you're not. You're not gonna bag one. I just feel like I can do better.

And I don't know. Help them somehow. I feel bad. You know how, you know how, when you know someone is, when they don't like you, you just wanna make them like you. And you can't stand knowing that there's someone out there who doesn't like you and you feel like maybe you can fix things. And then over time maybe eventually those feelings curdle in a terrible way and you feel

like you need to summon and defeat them. It's a universal experience. Well, I think Daniel Kwenierov and now that you are in this ghostly state, move on to some new purpose. You may have, like myself, unfinished business here, and that business may not be with those fine young women of the nauticals. Perhaps you're meant to do good deeds

to make up for the lies that you told those, those poor souls. Yeah, hmm, perhaps I feel as though I could use a mentor in this new part of my afterlife. Fying, Elyk, can you teach me the ways of ghostliness? Can you show me how to be the best ghost I can be? Uh, well, I would love to. You could be the professor X to his gene gray. Yeah, be his spectral sensei. You sure you got to do it. Okay, all right, fine, I'll do it.

I'll do it. I gotta get a book about ghosts. But you know things about about ghosts first hand. Yes, but I want you to read the book. It'll be your textbook. I'll just, I'll just, I'll, I'll, I'll answer it to make sure it's, you know, right, you know. It just, it just seems like delegating your responsibility

to an object. Well, I, oh, the thing is, Ah, he's an alright, if I, if I share our little secret here? Yeah, I guess so I will talk a bunch of people too anyway. The Vannual, as much as I would love to be your mentor. I have not really a ghost, for there is a terrible secret. I did not really kill the Dark Lord, he is trapped here but in our basement, and I am looking for some way to set things right. Okay, wow.

Yeah. Yeah, so I'm not a ghost. I wish I was a ghost. It seems cool and fun. And seems like you're going to do a lot of great stuff. Do we know any other ghosts? Oh, well, churn your dad. Absolutely. Yeah, Daphne, the Unwed Mother is probably ghost. Probably ghost. Yeah, we definitely have some ghost hookups if you need like more help getting into the ghost community, but it sounds like you're already going to the meetings. For free, don't call my dad a ghost hookup, please.

Sorry, I'm still reeling from this incredible deception. So one member at this table inadvertently led to my death. Via Angala, who I trusted, has lied to me, chances there, anything that you'd like to do, the Inventor Badgerball. Yeah, which, who knows, the consequences that'll have on the world. Twenty years from now, that could really bite me in the ass.

This has been a very disappointing day. So I suppose I can catalog it right alongside most of the other days that I've had with you human. Well, I wouldn't say it's a total bust. If you don't want to continue to live on Fune too, you could also just ascend no longer be a ghost. Have your ghostly presence finally ascend and become one with the goddesses. Oh, yes. Is that an option, Fianne Gaelic? Sure.

Is that on the table? Is that on this very table that for me, that I could do? You said we're pretending to be a ghost and then revealing you're not a ghost and then giving ghost advice immediately after that. Not the best one. Yeah, not a great look. Just tell someone like an obvious thing. Oh, have you thought about punching? Junching? Jun't I trusted you. That is most painful coming from you, punches.

Sorry. You want me to try punching with my fists and arms with these willowy arms that ye and death are still little spindles coming off of my torso. That's... I didn't think it through. I'm sorry. DQ, maybe this will make you feel better. Because I do feel bad that you seem so completely demoralized. Over the years, we've gotten so many emails from listeners who are worried about you. Here's one. Hi, Arnie Chutney, you said, or my name is Sammy from the United Kingdom on Earth.

I just wanted to check in if you checked in with DQ and the dungeon I hope you haven't forgotten about him. Are you able to get in contact with him via rune to check? He's still alive. Thanks boys. Also Tom Blaine is my favorite guest lots of love Sammy So to recap other people will reminding you to think of me. So many, and yet you did not think of me. Also, thank you for your concern, Sam from the United Kingdom. But I am not your favorite guest. Yeah.

And don't let him die. Don't let him die, but as a guest, you could take or leave him, like, wow. Now I think about it. Since we left you in the dungeon, we've had Tom Blainon several times. So many times. Too many times, almost.

Oh, well Sam from the UK is happy. I'm very sorry here that you're upset about this and a thing, but you know what, it's just that, you know, certain people like certain guests and, uh, but they must like you enough to have asked about you to ask after you, uh, I would say that's even more of an honor. And the fact that it turns out that their question should have prompted oning to send you food and that you did end up dying, I'm sure is a huge disappointment if that makes you feel better too. It does not. Can you turn yourself, because I can shape shift, I can shape shift into like a series of butts, can you turn yourself into like a series of something?

Hmm, my boost. I have not tried to alter my form in this ghostly face-hitch. Try out! Hmm. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

Anything? Whoa, he's one big leg! Yes. Hatshi-matshi. Finally. My true form. Just leg. All right. That's something, muchy. Finally, my true form. Just leg. Alright, that's something, I guess. I can work with that. Ha-za, we've done it. Perhaps I can become just two legs. Or perhaps

three. Or... A series of legs. Why stop at three? Or perhaps other things. I mean, I would, considering how you died, I would be concerned about having too many limbs. You could be an Elven Centipede. And now I'm thinking about being torn limb from limb again. So the slightest flicker of hope and inspiration has once again been snuffed out by the people who sit around this table. Oh, here's another email. What the hell is going on with DQ? Is he still in Castle Skullmaster? Nate and Queens, New York. PS, Shurdula Flower.

Yeah, I have a bad last part. So Nate and Queens, a member of the monarchy sent you a message to check on me. How often did these messages arrive? Would you say at what frequency? There's no way to know because I deleted so many of them. Yeah, they were popping up. It was just like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's like, ugh. The fact that you figured out how to filter them out. Yeah, you popping up is just like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's like, ugh.

Eventually figured out how to filter them out. Yeah, you're moving the email that said help in it, right? Mm-hmm. Help food, leg, kick, elf, Nathaniel, Kunjarvin, father, hate, human. I thought about filtering out an email that said DQ, but I really wanted to get those corporate emails from Dairy Queen.

This explains why my emails offering to help with breath control have gone tragically unanswered. Use it on the wizard pretending to be a ghost was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger pretending to be a team player was played by Adolf Refyre. DQ the Elf, who is really a ghost, was played by special guest Tim Rider. Tim is a writer and director on the new season of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, which can be seen on the Gizmoplex, the new online home of MST3K. More info at gizmoplex.com, find Mr. Rider on Twitter at Tim Rider and on Instagram at

Red Rider BB Gun. Hello from the Magic Haven is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Haven Patreon. Thousands of stars in the night sky, now invisible thanks to urban light pollution. But they have names like Elizabeth R. Jack Brabson, micro-casm, the envy of much larger casms who can't fit into teeny tiny spaces. Brandon Lingenfelter and if you must have a Brandon, make it a Lingenfelter, Adele Mogal, Eric Skull, Mike Natali, Brian Lawre, Michael and Maria Grabowski, Renee Mitchell in New Mexico, Emily Jones, Andy Eloise, Clifford T, Nick Harrington, Joanna Giebler, exclamation point added by Joanna, question mark added by me, Adam Canem, Lisa Mia Moore, and Daniel Estes. Patrons get free parking at the Magic Tavern pop-up shop next to the recycling shed at the Greyhound Station downtown,

add free episodes, the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month of varying quality. In case you're wondering, we did hit the stretch goal to finish the Shadow City campaign DMed by Anthony Birch. Those episodes are being edited now, and episode 2 should hit the Patreon later this week. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neekam, Matt Young and Adel Raphaya, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Hover logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Pfft. Uh-huh. Brian Lore. Brian Lore. Did I get that Patreon name right? I thought I could feel the fabric of reality coming apart as I said it.

You were wonderful, Tim. Looks like you've earned another look-roy. Oh, yum. I love knowing I you were wonderful Tim. Looks like you've earned another look-roy. Oh, yum! I love knowing I did a good job! And those look-roy have just the right amount of almost flavor. It's like drinking an old watercolor painting. Of course. There's a can for you right over there.

Under those five lights. Uh, there are four lights. Don't be silly, Tim. There are five lights. Right, right. That's what I meant to say. There are five lights. Don't be silly Tim, there are five lights. Right, right, that's what I meant to say, there are five lights. Actually, there are 26 lights. Yes, 26, I was way off. Now the lights spell out unlimited wings on Tuesdays. They sure do, boy am I terrible with light details. No, you're doing great, Tim.

Everything is going perfectly.