Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 68 - Chimera

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

A chimera toymaker is very upset with Usidore.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiPeggetto McGuire: Andy CareyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenDirector Ward: Shane WilsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. Director Ward, where are you? It took me nearly two weeks to get everything done.

I'm over here Tim, just doing a little housekeeping. How did it go? The toilet paper is strong on the Japanese maples. The windows have all been shoe polished, and I made a series of tiny punctures in the garden hose. Then Hank is as good as defeated. It's time to put the final element of my plan into play. Here take this.

A pile of mail? I know. That's only how it appears to me. Exactly. And it's mail you're going to deliver to the wrong address. We're screwing with someone's mail. The addresses are a construct that reflects Hank's neural pathways. By sewing chaos, we destroy the ability to maintain coherence.

Destroy his ability to maintain coherence. Yes, you've said. You know what? This is it. This is the last thing I'm doing for you. As it should be. What? This will be the last thing I require of you. Oh, great. Okay. So, shall we? Right.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. If real is a critical square on your podcast Bingo card, put those chips away, throw that ping-pong ball back into the ocean, bid that group of malcontent elderly vagus showgirls goodnight, and climb back onto your Vespa. Where are you listening to this from anyway? Otherwise sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp, the greatest warrior in all of fune. If you're never listening to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eight years and three weeks ago, I found through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional world. Thanks, man. You're nailing it. Finally, I'm finally nailing it. You've always been good at it, but today, you're great. Oh, wow, it must be the endort, I'm still having a little bit of stomach pain,

but you know what, you just get the show starts and the chemicals like release in your brain and you start to feel a little bit better. And I'm really on top of it. And I don't think this side discussion that we're having in any way to track from how this intro is going. Not at all. That I record every week here in the tavern,

the strange familiar in the town of nibble bottom at the base of the enamel moment. Already, can I just say the way you got back into the intro flawless. Thank you. You don't think, do you think people will notice? I hope they do. Yeah, yeah, I'll push for it I'll say something okay. Yeah, if you hear something say something that's what I'm saying because I heard in the magical land of Fuck, co-barn, fuck, fuck! Have I gained weight?

And co-barn, I don't know why co-bunk! I'm sorry. Fuck it, let's call it here. Oh, guys, I'm sorry. Time of death. Another fuck-up episode. Oh, no, no, no, chunt. Remember, last week we established that there's a new segment on the show,

so we have to wait for our guests to be here to see if they agreed that it's time to end the show. We have to ask every guest, do you want this to be the last episode? And if they ever say yes, we're done, we're done. That's it. We're fucked. Boy, speaking of things happened last week. I opened my hand earlier today and I realized, oh shit, I still have Bro Tars' thumb.

Like I just have it in my hand. Like he left, is it still moving? I don't know, I can't tell. It's getting progressively greener. Okay, you should get outside into the garden. Also Arnie, I don't know if you know this, but now you have one token for hitchhiking if you're one of hitchhiking food.

Now hitchhiking is a weird custom. You probably don't have it on Earth. What you do is you stand by the side of the road and scream. A horse or a cart will stop for you. You give them one thumb and they'll carry you to a destination. Of their choosing, huh? But they won't like it. Mmm, they will not like it.

On my world, Hitchhiking is when you go on a long walk with Kevin James and Will Smith. Kevin James and Will Smith. Kevin James and Will Smith. Huh. I don't know, he might be back to perfect episode. Look at that guy's shirt. That reference must hold up. Are you sure Earth people are just sort of like, yes, we're still hungry for it.

Yes. You're crushing it, buddy. I am also joined by my other co-bork, Yusudor the Wizard, who's dead and really a ghost. I was Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of a fizziest master of light and shadow, Minifu Lighter of magical lights, Devour of chaos, Champions of the Great Halls of the... Hey, cohort. Yep. It seems like we're doing a more casual intro today.

Oh, okay, well, you know, I was known to the Poes, the Surname Stangies, known to the sea and the like. Let me get behind your shoulders here and dig into these knots. Ooh, it's known to the northeast, it's got my East May star. Ooh, really working. And lately I've been thinking,

maybe you don't want to pretend to be a ghost anymore. Wow, see what happens when we loosen up? The truth comes out, and you saw, I gotta say, you hold a lot of tension in your hat I do hold a lot of tension in my hat. It's a it's a load bearing hat and And a lot of my emotions and feelings are stored in there. What kind of load are you keeping in your head? It's gonna say I hit the phrase load bearing hat, but here we are. Well, I know it's just that I unload all my My feelings and thoughts into my hat so that

I don't have to deal with them directly. That's why there are so many tiny use adores in there. Do you remember when we went to my hat? There was a bunch of tiny use adores in there? Yeah, so your hat's almost like a pen sieve. What? It's where I just came up with. You know how sometimes you're pensive about things?

You reflect. Well, pen sieve. Do you know what a sieve is? I guess this is kind of a slant rhyme. Okay. We reflect. Well, Pen-Seve. Yeah. Do you know what a Siv is? I guess this is kind of a slant rhyme. Okay. Well, we'll get back to it. It's something I created and nobody's ever done before.

Okay. But here's the thing. Siv is already actually in the word Pen-Seve. So why? So it's Pen-Seve. I can't conceive of where anyone would come with that talk. You can't conceive, you Sidor. Well, that's even that makes me even Happier that you're helping Arise. I could maybe well

The problem might be all those loads in your head That's not where you put them if you want to have a kid. That's not where you put up me, Sador. Okay. Well, I'll work on that Excellent Well, do you think it'd be possible for me to use this life stone to make everyone believe that I came back from being a ghost? Even though I haven't really been a ghost this whole time, it's just sort of a sham. Now remind me what the life stone is. Is that the magical artifact I got from Castle Hawksbier? That's right. Yes. Yes. I kind of used it to control ghosts. So right. Yes, yes. And I kind of used it to control ghosts. So I also, you're completely full of shit about being a ghost. So kind of anything would work.

Well, I just need a good, I just need a good excuse so that when people show up, they're like, what the hell? You're dead and you completed your true purpose and I go, well, you know, life stone. That's good. Another route in here, meow. Another route could be you like stay up for like two weeks, get some bags on your eyes. Just really start to like not eat properly and maybe gets a little sick. And then when people see you and your corporeal in a live, they'll be like, wait a minute, I thought you were dead. And you look straight in their eyes, give them a little wink and go dead tired.

And then people are like, oh, I misheard or misunderstood. That's pretty good. Yeah, I did make a big deal about dying. What if I show up here as some sort of like supernatural expert and I walk around the tavern and I'm like, there's a doc presence in this tavern. It holds a close to her and tells it's secret, it's only a child would understand. Uh, I mean, it sounds entertaining. I don't know how it helps me exactly, but uh, I suppose we could do that. Arnie, can I insist on something very quickly?

Mm-hmm. Can you do the whole- I would expect nothing else for you. Can you do the whole intro in that voice? Sure. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Anu Meekhan. If you've never listened to the podcast before,

this is everything you need to know. Already Apes. Already? You're nailing it. This is going to be a good thing. Again? Yes. Nailing it too far. Too far too. Too far too.

Intrao? Yeah. Honestly, you can stop now. Because you're just nailing it. It's not going to get any better. So you, sir, did you, Dini, as to like, I don't know, help you swallow this stone? Or what are we doing? Hmm.

I think if people come, okay, this is all an if. This is all just conjecture, right? Sure. Deep. That's philosophical. If someone shows up and they're like, what? Sure. Deep. If that's philosophical. If someone shows up and they're like, what the hell, man, you are a ghost, and now you're not a ghost?

Instead of us all looking at each other and going, uh, uh, uh, we just go, life stone. I like it. Because we don't want to make this story too complicated, right? Right. Because then we'll fuck it up. The more detail someone gives, the more that you know they're lying. And then if somebody calls bullshit,

I pull out the life stone. And I go, look, I gotta have it right here. You know, how do you like them stones? Exactly. And if someone has like a poker face power, we don't want to lie. We just point to the life stone and say, life stone, what's this? Is it power where you just know people are lying? I thought a poker face is when you were lying and you were good at it.

Look, I've just been learning this on Twitter. People are talking about this poker face power that Natasha Leone has. I'm like, whatever it is, I want to have it. Ah, Arnie, that's hard. This is embarrassing. You're doing so well. It's pronounced lion. There's a lion on your world that has powers. Natasha Lion.

You said Leone, I think you're putting a little too much mustard on the ball. He'll look that metaphor. Oh, I'd love a mustard ball. I'm gonna go to the ball and get one. Give me a mustard ball, please. Are you one of mustard ball? No, I'm still occasionally having some real stomach issues. So I'm gonna hold off on the mustard ball.

Okay, chunt mustard ball, please. Oh, Arnie, did you get your invitation to the mustard ball? I didn't. Oh, I, did you get your invitation to the mustard ball? I didn't. Oh, I'll show you that voice. Oh no, I haven't got my invitation to the mustard ball. Oh, that works so well for a ball for a cattillion. Yeah, it really does. Yeah, it's this big tradition and food, so every 10 years,

what you do is you get completely naked, cover yourself in condiments, could be mustard ketchup, mayo, relish, whatever you want. And you show up and see what happens. It gets kind of freaky. What's the best condiment to sort of smother your naked body in? Ooh, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say hot sauce. What? It just keeps things interesting and you start,

you will dance like crazy. That's painful. Are we, do we have um... We look around the bar here. A lot of people are remestered balls. Do we have a guest today? Oh shit, I knew I forgot something. Well what about this weirdo?

Hey, sir? Yeah. Um, would you mind coming and sitting at this table with us and having a conversation into these weird sticks? I thought you'd never ask. I never thought about it, but these are weird sticks. They are, aren't they? Uh, hey buddy, what's your name, what's your deal?

Hi there. Um, um, I apologize, I should have come up sooner, my name is, the Jettelmaguire. I, uh, I am not here by accident. I'm actually looking for somebody that's sitting right here this day. Oh Wow, isn't yourself? Well, hey, we're all on a personal journey if you will, but I am Seeking externally right now, so I mean as a good does a good deflection, but no no my my target is right in front of me It's on that target that heavy ass hat over there.

Oh, his load hat. That architecturally important hat. And I'm sorry, just, did you say your name was Fajetto? Pajetto. I heard Puppetto. Okay, well what you heard and what I said are two different things. Apparently it's three different things, okay?

It's Pajetto, first name, last name, Maguire. Yeah, I got the Maguire part. Okay. I got the Maguire part. Yeah, our name is Pajetto Maguire. Hey, sorry, that's, well you probably noticed the goat's head coming out of my back. You probably were just looking at my lion's face.

I'm a, you know, if you don't know, I'm a chimera, okay. So, you're gonna hear from the goat face, don't forget to me. Sorry, that's my snake tail, it's our snake tail. They defer to me because I'm the most obvious spokesperson for the body here, but yeah, obviously. I'm so sorry, I got so fixated on the name, the jedo. I completely missed all these things that are going on.

You are not alone. Arnie, he has a Leon head or a lion head as you not call it. Also he has a goat head that talks to him and his snake tail. So I think it's like every once in a while you get people where they kind of share a body. You know like the soul walker? all those voices vying for one mouth. I think that's kind of what's going on here Uh, but Pepetto, uh, am I am I correct? I'll put you to know a very different and I think I think it's just weird that you would compare me to another For lack of a better word character that you've already encountered, you know, because this I feel like I'm an original

that you've already encountered, you know, because this, I feel like I'm an original thing. So, you know, I don't know. Well, color me regretto because I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. You are your own unique individual, and I am a pulveress for that. When they go ahead talk, did your head turn 180? No, I, he, he, he, he, he, he, let me just,

I'm gonna bend my head down a little bit. It's coming out of the spine here. That's me. Uh, uh, just, you know, I'm gonna pipe in sometimes. Yeah, I'm just, uh, you know, my opinions are important too. Sure. So he's there, and that's what's going on. I just got a couple extra left of balls for the whole table, just in case. Oh, oh, it supplies it to to meet you you you must be Natasha lion What the fuck is going on now

First you take away my livelihood Why mr. Door All right, I have a bone or a hundred to pick with you mr Bone or a hundred to pick with you, mister. Uh-oh, is there any missed it? This is still at home. Oh Pogetumaguire Pogetumaguire the Kymarra. We have the Maguire part. Don't you worry about that But with your first name help us help you okay? Help us help you okay? I'm pretty scary looking so if you you were with your parents, you might need guidance. You might need parental guidance, right? So there's a P in a G. So it's P-J-T-O, P-J-T-O, a P in a G right there.

Right there. I was so caught up with your first name. I didn't catch any of that. Yeah. He used it or this is P-J-T-O, he's a chimera. A chimera, boy oh boy. P-J-T-O, Maguire, the chimera. I knew you were a chimera. I chimera, boy oh boy. Pigeot Maguire, the chimera. I knew you were a chimera.

I wasn't going to call that out, it seems rude, but you seem to have taken some umberd with me here when I don't believe I have ever met you before. No, you have not. Yet you've done enough damage to maybe make me the last of the Magwires. And that would be a tragedy if you want to really think about it. Wow, Arnie, didn't you say on earth there's a amazing story called the last of the Maguires starting Daniel De Lewis.

Mm-hmm. That's a horrible I can't believe I'm responsible for such a terrible thing. That your very existence may be maybe in question to be or not to be, to be... If that... There's a lot to rub there in what he said. Mr. and I just got it, I... Oh boy, oh boy. To what the lion's face is trying to say is that your very purpose in defeating the Dark Lord has removed our very purpose and our trade in our career.

Are you some sort of evil doer who did the bidding of that Dark Lord? No, but my doing was enabled by him. Look, I'll just come out and say it. I am a toy maker by calling. And I got it. I got it. You know what, well thank you. It's really fun. It's really exciting dynamic path for one to take.

What's your favorite toy that you've made? Oh yeah. Oh boy. Well, boy. At least for it. That's a story. Okay, least favorite has to be the line of s'mores we came out with early on,

but I think my favorite, no, no, no, no, we're not sharing that awesomeness with you until I tell you what my problem with you is. Oh, oh, all right, all right, yes, all right. All right, while the dark Lord was and and protections and regulations were being eliminated left and right in the service of free enterprise I was able to market what I did very directly to the youths now I didn't want to go into marketing as a as a young chimera when I was a live birthed egg

Full I was I was four or five things when I was when I was bored Oh, wait, but in part of you were part were you all in an egg or just part of you was in an egg Well, I'm a I'm a snake a goat a lion and an eagle you might have noticed these giant wings That are also extending from other side of the goat head as well. I noticed that. Man, that's what's going on here. So my birth is complicated. It's just, I mean, the baby book,

the baby book is in the cyclopedia in my house. Okay, so that's just where I'm coming from. Goats have such interesting eyes, don't you think? Yep, sideways pupils. Like a marble. Yep, rectangular and just quieting. Well, listen, why don't you think? Mm-hmm. Yep, sideways pupils. Like a marble. Yep. Rectangular and disquieting. Well, listen, why don't we take a quick break and then, ah, fuck,

chunt, you got this parental guidance, PG. And then, Pagliacci, we're going to hear a little bit more about your graces with Yusudor. Damn it. So, Pajetto, you're mad at Yusidor for killing the Blackboard who is definitely dead. Right. RIP for sure. Yeah. Rest in power.

And that's affected the toy industry and how you make a living. Well, it sounds more like it's affected the marketing industry for your toys That is accurate. You're gonna find the rub. That's where it's at. I just wanted to make toys I was all I wanted. I just want to make toys. I was in but but you know what you got to sell toys If you want to make them you got to sell them otherwise you can't buy the supplies to sell more at all of a sudden I found myself Working longer weekends and then later nights and earlier mornings and not seeing my actual children as much or my partners or anything.

But that's what happened and that's how I became in charge of an entire empire. My partners, yes. Your partners, Plural? Do you need further explanation on that? I guess I don't, but I'm just kind of curious. Okay, well, let's say you are a lion and you're into lions, right? Sure. Probably not also into goats.

Okay, and say you're a pretty horny eagle. You're not turned on by the sight of a cobra head. All right. Okay, so I mean, I, is, is the mass more complicated than that, or is this clearing up? I mean, it's a pretty big stretch of the imagination to not be attracted to a cobra head. Am I crazy? I could see where you're coming from. So sexy.

The badger makes a good point. Mm-hmm, I mean, who doesn't what a piece of this? Mm-hmm, nice, thank you, cobra. So, is a cobra tail, you're the tail? Yes. I provide balance. Who, who youobra, you're the tail? Yes. I provide balance. Who, who you seeing? What's your love like? Like, is it hard just being a tail? Yeah, what's your deal?

Well, I'm not always in charge of where we go on a given day, but I'm along for the ride. It's a bit of an equal partnership if you really think about it. Well, I, and I don't want to pull it this thread, but I have to, I'm so sorry. Um, pull away. Is, is your name also Pajetto. Yes, we're all Pajetto. Okay great. How do you talk to and about each other? It's a collective if you will this is very fascinating see now. There are Separations, but there is also a very a unity if you will I do understand that you are speaking to the lion's head as if it were another person, but it is also me, but I am also have my own desires and needs, but they're all in service

of each other. If you could talk to the wings, the stories you would hear. And do you all, sorry, just to pick it back on Arnie's question, do you all kind of talk shit about each other? So like, you know, if you're all upset with like gelato, the main gelato guy, um, do you like... Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Hugged, Man, I think these guys pull some shitty pranks on me when I'm asleep. I'm a I sleep a lot I think they're always trying shit with me He's probably correct. I we he's very easy to fool His eyesight is shit

Ernie's yeah therapy must be a fucking nightmare for this guy Yeah, or further therapists like is do they need a... I need separate therapists. Oh, that good call, that would be smart. That would be smart. Hmm. I need to say my peace to Usador. Oh, yeah. Oh, alright.

In the days of the dark lord, we were able to market directly to children. When the cock ticklers would get up and do a play, if it were aimed at children, then it needed to have some sort of lesson or educational import. If there were books shown to a child during the day, and it was sold by some reputable books, and it needed to have had something so far more moral to the fable. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, I, you would think so, but when the Dark Lord was in charge, and the almighty golden piece, or rupee, or gem,

or whatever your currency was, was in charge. Why then? Then? These stories, these entertainments, these grand epics, could also include product placement. With no need for extra, for anything more than an ancillary, uh, be nice to grandmothers at the very end of some sort. And that's where the money was rolling in. But now, while now all these regulations, guardrails, and protections are slowly creeping back in, I can't even put a new line of scare bears into a religious service without

that somebody saying, what does this mean? And I want to say it just means you buy more of them. I'm so sorry to interrupt your rant, but what are scare bears? Scary bears. If you are from Fune, I would assume you had them when you were in school. Oh yeah, they were a big deal a while ago. They're still around the world. Yeah, oh, Ernie, they're little bears.

They have the longest claws and the biggest things you've ever seen, deep-set red, red eyes. And what they do is they hide anywhere. And so sometimes you'll blow out a candle and you'll just see red glow. And that means they're staring at you. And their stare can cause you to, how do I want to put this delicately?

S, S your peas. Oh. Yeah, people would shit their penises. Which is not, can I answer? That's how bad it was. It's not safe. That's for it, man. which is not It's not safe Each of them was different this was where we really really that are creative juices float I was part of a team. I wasn't just me creating all these well whole we're all department wait a minute Eachetto you were a whole department because there's three of you? Oh, those, I'm saying there were a crocodile men.

There were were wolves. There were death gods. There were all sorts of other people who just weren't like the train of firemen. That's the train of firemen. That sounds right. Crocodile men, death gods, werewolves. Sure.

And they're all actually gonna make toys. You know, yeah, anybody, you know, everybody plays. Everybody plays, that's how we learn. Now, scare bears are starting to make a lot more sense than I know who's behind them. All right, yeah, so there would be, and each one was distinct. There were things emblazoned on their giant foreheads

that that would show what type of scare bear they were. Anything, anything that was liable to scare a child. There was a pentagram. Yeah, pentagram bear, a potty bear, a first day of school bear, a hallway bully bear, the dentist bear. Brussels sprouts. Brussels, there's the whole new foods bear line. That was Brussels sprouts a porridge Vegetable bear there was abandonment bear lost my parents bear all things like that, you know Potty bear potty bear learning to use a potty I I said fixate on the first one. I didn't really hear any of the other bears Well, I mean, I you know, it's it's like, think of how much my parents had to spend on

diapers. You needed a lion diaper, goat diaper, snake diaper, an eagle diaper, as I was getting old, right? Try and be a traiper. Right, right. So when you make the potty bear, scare bear toy, right? Do you have to come up with an image for the forehead of the bear that was a toilet with teeth? Like you would eat the child's bottom. And what image was the fear of abandonment for the that's right there? Ah, it was a swinging door. Oh, yeah, you just got left alone in a room.

Did people think it was just Oh kids new kids afraid of doors No, they're afraid of not having parents anymore I grew up with I grew up with singing doors in my house, you know when I'd go to bed the doors would come alive They put all their knobs in a bowl. Mm-hmm. Everyone would grab it up and whatever knob you grab out of the bowl That's the knob you're going home with Yeah, there was also there was also broomstick parties like that too Bed knobs and broomsticks

Really good pretty fucking wild. Yeah, I don't know Grubbero I don't know if this is helpful, but maybe to make up for use of doors Shittery towards you. Hey, we can offer you a Design that food has never seen. Now my friend Arnie here, my best friend Arnie right here, he on his planet, he has a toy that's one giant cube made up of smaller cubes and you have to make it look nice. It's called Rogers Square. It's called the Rubik's Cube. This is what I believe you're talking about. That's right. That Cube, is what I believe you're talking about.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Maybe you're talking about Legos. That sounds like a job. And I wouldn't, and I want to say,

and I know this won't mean nothing to anyone here because none of you can do any different. Legos is definitely the plural form of Legos. Now, I have to ask, are toys important? Do we need them? Aren't they kind of stupid in a waste of time? Hey, like, I might just be a fucked up goathead coming out of a back or something, but even I know the toys are important. Well, you see, I was never a child.

I came into this world fully formed that you've seen me now. So, I never had toys. So, I don't know if it's important that children have them or if you market to them or not, it's sort of, I'm sort of not invested. Those are two, those are two separate things. Whether toys are important or whether you need to market them to children. Those are two different things that have intertwined in my life. Well, I don't give a shit about any of it. Well, you should. Because, alright, you give a shit about any of it?

Well, you should, because you came in with a lot of knowledge formed in there and that heavy hat of yours, right? Okay? But you so you don't understand how hard it can be to learn. Okay, I grew up as four different things, right? So I'm not just like two legs and some opposable thumbs and shit like that you guys clearly have I mean not you mr. Badger, but like thank you It's all salmon shirt there guy

Like there's a lot going on so if you don't have something to play with you don't know how to interact with the world around you Okay, so that's that's what we're talking about when we talk about play. Play is learning. It's a little school wrapped up in a toy. It's candy on top of medicine, really, when you think about it. Well, I love learning. Have you never had a toy? Oh, buddy.

Well, no, why would I? I was never a child. So you've never really been socialized? What do you mean? I'm probably so slow you Oh, he broke the table in half. Uh, uh, uh, Pugoda. Let's take a break and we'll be right back We can um, maybe we can get Ysador toy You said or here you go buddy. I made myself a tiny little badger like a stuff a little badger So just just hold me in your arms for the next little bit. Oh, you did you change your shape? Yeah, I made my

Myself smaller and I made myself stuff full of cotton. Wow, that's boy after we had had you on the team We couldn't really move some product. I think we had had you on the team. We could have really moved some product I think we had a whole line of of shift shapers. That is what we called them It was really catching a shift shapers, right? Shifters. Yeah, I would be like you would see this toy you think it was one thing But then it was a puzzle that would turn and do another thing, right? Yeah Pretty great. It was there any kind of like jingle or song for shift shapers? Oh yeah, it was a shift shapers.

Don't not trust your eyes. So it was really great. It was like, you made me, you made you think, don't trust anything you see, right? And then the lesson they learned was... Do not trust anything you see. Goodness. Was it ever worried about kids saying shit shapers?

Just because a lot of kids can't condense you? Yes, it came up often. It provided me with much joy. He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he- of, uh, we started off as vehicles, like the good ones were the wagonatons. They were these automaton that started off as, say, a carter or something like, well, not a car, but, you know, a wagon or some sort of movable thing. And then there was the deceptive carts as well. And they would, they would go from one thing to one another. But I believe, uh, I believe, it changes your name. At one point, we got into the, the, the battle of the beasts. It was a separate kind of offspin.

I wasn't as excited about it. It wasn't the first generation of them, but it had some staying power, and there would be animals that would turn into other things. Oh, that's so cool. You know, my theory on battles, I fought in a few scraps and everything. It's a lot like jazz.

It's the punches you don't throw. Yeah! Jazz is pretty great! I try to play the upright bass, but all I got is dim hooves. I feel like they had these shift shapers. I wouldn't know how to play with them without seeing some stage play or something that tell me the story. We would have magical imagery that would pop up at times, especially in the mornings before children would be shuttled off to school or off to their jobs in the mines. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, depending on where you were. So I'm just trying to work. Yeah, yeah, if you could capture them before school and get their eyeballs there or on the mornings when on the days that they weren't forced to work or learn, you would show that to Diamond and they'd be like, I need to have this thing and you would really impress them upon their brains. You are not going to be popular unless you have this latest toy and we would show them how it works. So there would be a story between the two characters and the way that the toy

interacted with the world around them would make them really exciting and make them beg them force their parents to buy them for them or they would spend all of their wages on the toys as well. That sounds pretty exciting and I'm sort of intrigued. I must admit to see this play enacted. I'm a big fan of a Tomatone Constable, although it's a little bit raunchy. I would rate it as raunchy, I'd say it's our rated.

But we're gonna be on Tomatone Constable was also a bit of a satire as well, right? You're really kind of taking apart some more fascist ideals in the government Happenings of the time. So it's a product of its time, but really timeless. I got to argue with you there But it's not the type of thing you could make a toy out of ever. Oh, of course you could we had a whole line of Atomaton constables What? I- Yes, there and well, well, man

We also there was another spin off there was the the lonely star It was a horse sheriff That also would stand on two legs sometimes and then be on four legs at other times today It had that's confused. Yeah, I know it was but it was exciting Take a look. You needed it. You were telling me that there is you created a Tomatone Constable toys and I never knew about them Because you created a Tomaton Constable toys and I never knew about them. Well, but you're now an adult with your own money, so there's nothing stopping you from getting them.

That's an idea that we really have tried to engender that, as you grow older, you can really hold on to the things that you like when you were younger. And if people try to change or add on to those things you like when you were younger, then you can be furious about that. And it really increases engagement. And that's what we got into. That's not what I came out to do. I didn't start out as a marketer, but now that's what I am.

Like, if you take our line of the Noble Samurai Healthy Lizards, right, there was one line of toys that we really enjoyed. And we thought, well, Oh those are the lizards who love Ravioli? Yes, oh, they're crazy for Ravioli. And surfing. Ravioli. Surfing and living in the toilets.

That's where they were. That's where their bread and butter was. But they're healthy. Very. They're noble samurai, healthy twins. Lizards, they're also twins. They're twin aged. But that was like, listen up at that in the name. Lizards. They're also tweens. They're tween aged. But that was like, listen up at that in the name. Because the name is already getting pretty long. I gotta be honest with you.

Yeah, I had to feed the meter of the theme song. Brevity is the soul of toys. Wait, I hear the theme song? Yeah, how does that work? Noble samurai, healthy lizard, noble samurai, healthy lizard, but I have healthy lizards Go out and buy them, spend your money. It was great. Oh, so it's such an earworm. It's so catchy I caught on to it right here. Oh, the earworms that we sold were wonderful too Big fan. I love those as a kid. Love those Yeah, you had some airwabs, chat. Oh, yeah So they're just a little when you go to bed you just put them in your ear and they just kind of like whisper things to you

and they'll help guide your dreams. Oh, also, oh, I had the Arneal appreciate this. I had this guy, his name was Elastic Leg Power and he was just this guy who was all-laked and you could just really, really rip his legs around. Oh, that sounds awful. No, it's fine. It was.

It kind of teaches you to take out your anger on a third party? Hmm, okay Hmm, there you go. Things are starting to make sense never tear him open because you don't want to know it's inside Oh, no, it's it would poison you in your whole village That's not toxic is toxic AF. Yeah, it's terrible stuff But I would imagine that it's actually very difficult to rip it open then You I mean it you know if you're stronger than a five-year-old, no, it's not. But, you know...

Look, I see that I've wronged you in some way, Pichetto, and I would like to set things right. And I don't know what you had in mind here today, but I perhaps put in a good word with our friend, the King, Tom Blaine or his sister, Tricky Aralia, who hates us. But still, I could try to put in a good word. And well, it's funny, you say what I want, I think, and I think I have failed a little bit today because all four of my therapists, the language they give me and us is to say how I feel and then what I need. And I have told you how I feel and what my problem was and what I need, I was literally what you were gonna say.

If I could just have a good word, if the playing field was level again, where I could just have a good word if the playing field was level again, where I could, without restrictions, advertise to children and make them feel like they were lesser than if they didn't have the products that I'm trying to push. Now, I don't want to take full credit, but you saw it seems like ever since I turned myself into a little stuff badger, seems like you took a lot of accountability and really stood up to write those wrongs.

How does it feel having your first toy in me holding me tight? You've been squeezing me. Well, it feels good and I don't want to deny children the opportunity to have toys. And these toys sound like wonderful toys. I personally am interested in the in the shape shifters and the automaton consoles, but I have to say, I'm a little concerned about the idea of treating children as a as a source of income. What if I added in a complete line of our original masters of the funiverse line of toys. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, sold.

A lot of nostalgia for your, for your cohorts here, or you could actually find something that you're really into as well. We also have salmon toned sinew men from a different kingdom, and we imported them, but they were quite a big hit. There's the cabbage patch full of children line of toys, which is also pretty fun It goes really well with the ear worms, but the toy is at the actual cabbage patch Yeah, you buy a cabbage patch and it's filled with children

What a fun toy right do you still do you still make slunkies? Oh? What a fun toy right do you still do you still make slunkies? Oh? Yeah slunkies they make a slunkety sound. They sort of yeah, they're slunk into a room and they don't ever stand up straight There's slur- Arnie slunkies are slurring donkeys. They're basically drunk donkeys. They go downstairs You can like hold them in your hand and they go back. There's just a slunky. It's so simple to just get a donkey drunk, but they make the best toys. They're fun for a girl or a boy. Yeah, I mean, why wouldn't they be, Yucidor? I don't know, I just felt like pointing that out. No, it's a good thing to say, but it's mostly fun for the donkey.

Yeah, it's super fun for the donkey. I have seen a slunky, I know what a slunky is. Look, I don't have to be bribed, although I may start collecting a Tomatone Constable products. Look, you seem like a very nice chimera, and you seem like all you want to do is sell toys, which is a wonderful thing to make toys for children. I see the value of it now, to help socialize them so that they don't act like awful people when they're adults. Right. And when they're adults, if they still love those toys, they can continue to buy them incessantly and obsess on them.

Right, and you think that sounds... Charge more! And you can charge more. That sounds perfectly healthy to me. Mm-hmm. This is just a relief. I carry so much resentment around with me. It's just nice to be able to let that go.

For once. It's really, I, uh... Oh, I, you know, I look intimidating. I got a lot going on here. I was so scared to come here today. Oh, wait. I got to hear. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was scared scared to come here today I Got you. Yeah, yeah, no scared. I was scared of my emotions Guy like you know, I

Rec you know, I can see you're the greatest warrior in all of food right now But I got you know, I also got sometimes the scariest thing is the mirror right? Oh, yes Yes, because sometimes there's a demon in there Sometimes the scariest thing is the mirror right? Oh yes. Yes because sometimes there's a demon in there. Yeah, but sometimes there's another goat and a snake. And two waves that can't express themselves verbally. I think maybe you just discovered another addition to the scare bears line. Oh shit.

That's why they call it reflection. Mm-hmm. Wow. I'm gonna... You are getting a cut of the royalties. That's, I mean, that's... Greatest reward anybody can have. I was thinking of a literal demon.

Oh! You guys never see that demon in the mirror when you look in there? Sure. The one that's kind of dancing behind you and he laughs at you. Oh, yeah, that pops up behind your shoulders, great. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.

I've gotta do something about that guy. He's a piece of shit. Sometimes I pop up and dance with him, and it really freaks out the goat. You are a freak. Incredible. And Steve. Well, I'm going to start writing a misive to the king right now,

insisting that he allow you to market to children. And I'll send my bird off right away. Um, I might just be a little stuffed batcher right now, but Arnie, did you, did you have a favorite toy when you were a kid on earth? Hmm. Yeah, what are toys like another dimension? Well, in my world, the toys are all kinds of crap, really kind of everything. Um, wow, you're really painted picture of all kinds of crap.

Wow. Beautiful. So you could just make it on your own? Yeah, I had a thing called a Teddy Ruck spin and it was like a stuffed bear. You know, not unlike you, Chant, except that there's a lot of just hard technical gadgetry just shoved inside that bear. Oh! And so it taught you that when you tried to get close to somebody that it would hurt a little bit, like you would try to hug it and it was hard inside, it would just kind of like push back against you

and like the corners would poke you. Oh, no, but the best thing was you could put a little inside of Teddy Ruck's bin and he would tell you stories. This sounds like a story. Or he would tell you the same story over and over again and his eyes and mouth would move but make the doors. Well, yeah, but they would make but they would make a noise while they were moving that was louder than the story it was telling. Well, this sounds a lot like the entertainment in the Ravvy Oli parlors that the samurai

lizards would would entertain at. She pay this little bear a rectangle and then he tells a story with his mouth and his eyes. I'm with you sir, this sounds weird. Huh, yeah, when you say it like that. I mean, and to be fair, your eyes and mouth mouth move and that it doesn't seem like a toy to me But like listen to my eyes when I'm talking do that they're not making a noise listen to my eyes Arnie I'm talking all I can hear most of the time is your eyes Really it's like it's like it's like two rocks banging together every time you blink your eyes got something that's got a pizzazz

Sorry pizza. I said it wrong. Ah, got something that's got a pizzazz. Sorry, pizza. I said it wrong. Ah, this is like a lion lion situation. Well, Fedracher, thank you so much for singing by. Ugh. Pogeto. Just for the last time, it was Pogeto. Pogeto.

Pogeto. Pogeto. Once I hear back from the king, where do we reach you at? Are you located here at nibble bottom? Or are you just traveling around right now? Well, I'm pretty mobile because I can fly. So I spent a lot of time on the road and in the skies. But yeah, we've got offices all over the place

because distribution really becomes the heart and soul of everything. You just get pulled so far away from what brought you into the industry If you get it right, yeah, so you know, you never know where death God's gonna manifest. Oh, right. Yeah, I mean there I mean and got you One of them quits or or we goddesses forbid we got to let them go just finding a replacement is not easy Good day. A lot of offers Let them go just finding a replacement is not easy. They get a lot of offers

Anyway, if you consider to our main headquarters in the big apple Okay, right by the lake perfect. Yeah, well I will definitely look into it and see what we can do and I can't wait to collect my own Tomatong Constable We never kind of touch on it, but what's that? There's kind of a, just tucked in your arm, there's kind of a wooden boy with strings on him? What's that? Oh, it was just something I'm working on. It's got a lot of different names for it,

but we're just right now we're calling it poker face. And when the, when the doll tells, when this wooden doll tells a lie, the nose gets really long and pokes you in the face. Oh. Yeah. All right, you just the face. Oh, yeah. Wow. All right, you just read it about this, right?

I know, full circle. Can I see Pichetto before we go? We have one more segment. Sure. Do you think this should be the last episode of this podcast, or we should keep doing it? I need you to back up and let me know what a podcast is. I'll take that as a keep doing more. Alright, I'm glad I answered that. Super. Already, maybe the intro should be more about what a podcast is, and then we get into the back story.

Are you telling me, you want the intro to be longer? I can't take too long, because this doll right here, it's got to go. It's Russian, it's a Russian doll. It's got to get out of here at some point. I'm not sure if I can get it right. I'm not sure if I can get it right. I'm not sure if I can get it right. I'm not sure if I can't take too long because this this doll right here. It's gotta go. It's it's Russian It's a Russian doll. It's kind of adding her at some point

Can other people weigh in on if this should be the last episode of the podcast? People with a very strong opinion, no? Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Shunt the talking badger was played by Adolf Refire. Pajetto, the chimeratoymaker, was played by special guest Andy Carey. You can see Andy on the Amazon Prime show Paper Girls and the upcoming season of justified city prime evil on fx and hulu. Not HBO?

No, I don't see that anywhere on here. Oh well, heads up that the podcast is taking next week off for, oh let's say spring break. One of our favorite Patreon episodes will be unlocked and in the main feed next week, and then we'll be back with a new episode April 10th. Speaking of the Patreon, hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, an ocean of angry drones waving their crumpled $5 bills. Supporters like JD Laukonen, Jeremy Cazort, Josh Gossett, Matt Williams, Jimmy Bertki, John 50 Sheets of Gray,

oh how the ladies eyes must light up when hearing that with the glow of red flags. Fonkosaurus Rex, Vick M. Rodius, truck driver Josh, fresh in from Richard Scary's busy town, Emily Potter, Sage, Katie Hebert, Cameron Freyman, Corina Fey, and Alex Martin. The everyday sounding names are always the real monsters. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. And if you're a bit of a baddie, you'll be excited that we just launched season 3 of Masters of Mayhem,

as part of our court ordered obligation to keep Kevin Seretta busy. Episode 1 is available on the Patreon now. Here's a clip. Alright, I'm gonna use the sword, sir! Hey! This blade at your neck can go in two directions. I think it's a swi-hander. Across your throat, spilling your blood down this seemingly endless stare, or going to back by my side. So which is it?

Between those, those are the two options there. You just tell us your name! It's not that. Yeah, this is a binary on this one. Your arms seem to be shaken, hold on that sword. You sure your muscles are capable of keeping it up that line? It's not my everyday sword. And I conjured this book, and it did confirm

that it's called as Y-Hander. Normally it's held with two hands. Quite a heavy blade. Yes, your name, Jooff, your name. Scram Goggle Mena Ford. Oh, your name dwarf, your name! Scram Goggle Manafort. Oh, have you heard of me? Well, I mean, it's a very common name for a dwarf. Scram...

Grobbled... The... Game Enforth? Not even... Scram Goggle Manafort. Scram... Double... Gable Fourth.

You know what? Yes. To hear the rest, spoiler, there's no huge change in quality and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Nekamp, Matt Young in Abel Ruffaya, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Steffen Drainjer. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Hmm, okay Ward, what is your little device say now? [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, B What is LeCroix? I didn't even know they came in this size! It looks like a shiny metal punching bag. Oh LeCroix, fill me with your vaguely citrusy bubbles. Yes, you enjoy that. Drink your fill. Now let's see, with this spring break coming up, I have just enough time to plan a little excursion of my own.