Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 7 - Tormaline Dragon Teen (w/ Zach Reino)

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

A teenage dragon in human form applies for an internship.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTormaline: Zach ReinoMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Chris RathjenSpecial Assistance: Ryan DiGiorgiMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People live a... the only existing world you need to worry about. The following podcast is not real. And furthermore, I know you've had to listen to all the podcasts on your to-do list a while now. And sometime last Friday you finally checked it off, wiped your brow and thought, now I can get back to forging meaningful relationships, finishing that law degree, or helping to raise the child I'm positive I saw around the house last summer, and while you may have finished all the podcast way back then, bad news over the weekend we made a bunch more.

And it's not just us, I hear this American life and planet money scraped together a few new offerings as well. So you've got a bunch more of these to get through. But on the plus side, for 50% of eternity, Cicifist thought he was almost done with a big chore. So, put on your listening cap, screw your courage to the sticking place, pour yourself a nice hot mug of attention span, sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magicalical Land of Foon.

I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Over 6 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast. Recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the village of nibble bottom,

at the base of the unnamed Will Mountain, in the magical land of Foon. And I'm, oh yeah, and, uh, and, uh, Hoppetado to you, Chant, the mic. Yeah, I yours. Bingbong, I got a new thing, every every intro I'm gonna do a little backflip. Here we go. HAPPY! Whoa!

No! Very impressive. Ooh, I've been working on that. Not great for the audio medium, but- What? I enjoyed it. Oh man. Also, it's extra dangerous because we're sitting at this seven-foot tall table, the tall table.

Oh yeah. You could have fallen? Practically to your death. Oh, I you could have fallen practically to your death. Oh, I know, I know how to fix it. I'm sure. Usador, we did not hop a tattoo to you. Oh, sorry. The potato is cold, usador.

Ah, I'm sorry about that. I don't know what. I feel like I jumped in pretty quick, but it was because I had a thing planned. I've been for weeks now. I've been silently practicing in the grass outback, my back flips. It's been such a long time.

I finally got limber enough. I finally started landing them. And so I was excited. But then you should or fucking swoops in here. He didn't have anything. Yeah. And I hate to give you a note, Chant. And it was amazing.

And I glad that you practiced. But maybe the fact that you were silently practicing it could have been a clue that it wouldn't be good for the audio medium. Huh, what to do with this note? Um, half a day though, use the door. I had an idea to make this backflip work in an audio medium. What if you did two in a row?

Oh, here we go. Ha! Ha! Oh, he fell. Oh, there he goes. Chunder, you still alive down there. Yeah. Okay. Here we go Oh, there he goes Chunder he's still alive down there Okay, okay, I'm also joined by my other co-host used to door the wizard I am you said all wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow

Manipulator of magical lights devour of chaos champion of the Great Falls of Tarakas! The elves know me as being Eloc, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Huksteng, as Naibnur and the North East as Gaspwinius Mastar, but most these days refer to me as Flair of the Dark Law. Mm-hmm. Yes. Oh, and, you know, Posterous Wizard's Choice nominee. Yes, nominated for Wizard's Choice Award, poshimously wizards choice nominee. Yes, nominated for wizards choice award posthumously. How are you gonna-

Yes. Do the wizards think that you're dead already? Well, I sense of birds. This week to them to try to clarify that point, they're pretty certain that I'm dead. I'm pretty certain that I'm not. And I'm trying to clarify it with them, but you know, once you complete your true purpose,

you're supposed to disappear. Yes, so everyone, look, and this is just for us, and you, dear listener. Yes, just everyone thinks we just killed the Dark Lord. Which, which we did! Which we did! And if that were true, we don't know what we're talking about. Yeah, they don't know. I just see which we did, which means nothing.

Look at me talking about our witch we did. Oh, would you guys believe I landed on my feet after that second one? No, we saw. Oh, okay, it looked great. Hey, can I ask, was somebody here conjuring the witch? We did? No, we, guys, we promised.

We made a pact to never conjure the witch we did. Because when I heard we did, the curtains in the tavern start to flow, the ground starts to shake a little bit, everyone got real quiet. And I just wanna make sure we're not conjuring the witch. No, but luckily, look, we were told under no uncertain terms that if, during an episode, we say the name of the witch we did, 48 times.

While looking in 50 mirrors, that it will conjure up the witch we did. Challenge accepted. We've been keeping track, right, of the amount of times. Yeah, oh yeah, definitely keeping track. But what I was saying about the Wizard's Choice Awards was that I had to finally, you know, since people think I'm supposed to disappear, I had to finally, you know, since people think I'm supposed to disappear, I had to finally kind of commit to... Dying, you're going to kill yourself?

No, no, no. I told him that I have two months to wrap up some loose ends, and at that time, then I should be able to pass on into the realms of Ephesius. But now I'm gonna go talk to some halflings, and I'm gonna make sure the elves have everything they need and before I disappear. So the big thing's done, but there's lots of little things to wrap up. So you're telling the wizard you're gonna like extend out your death on my way We would call that doing the full David tenet. You're like I'm dead Should be over, but you know what I'm gonna spend a lot of time just like visiting old friends before it's done

Yeah, maybe I can work in a couple long-form specials before I go but we will see but I had to commit to this timeline And now and what happens? Yeah, what's after the two why did you commit to a time? Why didn't you say it's gonna take me a while? Which we did which we did Which we did John don't say which we did if we keep saying which we did we're gonna hit the 47 times where we say which we did Okay, okay well, I just felt painted into a corner and

I'd also walk in up that morning and painted myself into a corner as part of a ritual for a spell So I felt doubly painted into a corner both figuratively and Literally, yeah, so I said two months the next time a bird came does it make it worse when the figurative matches the literal or is it kind of nice that you're like Doing both things figuratively and literally? You appreciate the symmetry, but you also shit your pants. Ooh. Can I just say I've also, as a badger, I've also had worms in my asshole,

and I've painted myself into a corner. Doesn't feel great, gotta say. I would imagine it would not know. You're so quick to share that information. Well, I've pondered it for a few seconds, but I found ultimately everyone should know. Are we, do we have a guest today? Oh, you know, I don't have a guest is the right word.

You know how we are, let's make sure no one's listening too closely. You know how we trapped the dark Lord in the basement. We have to keep him alive, but also make sure that no one else in the land of food besides the three of us know that he's still alive. Oh yeah, and right in position. That's a lot of work for the three of us and for my experience we're bad at things. Oh yeah, well that's okay.

So I was thinking maybe we should bring someone in to help us, like we should contract out. Some of the keeping the Dark Lord alive, but trapped in the basement. Oh, like an intern. Yeah. What about that boy that you still work at the Vomalian Minotaur? Blimeyish? Yeah. What's he doing now?

I mean, it's very... He's... There's a... I don't even know how to begin to explain how wrong you are, Yusudar. Alright, well, I just... I can't keep track of what he's up to. Sure. I've never heard a man start four sentences and finish none of them.

Ornie, that was well done. Ha-ha-ha. Have you ever heard me finish a sentence? Oh my god. Arnie, gross. Oh a sentence. Yes, of course I have, buddy. So okay, so we hired someone, Orton in turn.

Yeah, I'm here for the, yeah, where's the job interview? Oh, up here. And you tell me where they were. They just said they were somewhere in this town. We're at the time. We're at the time. Tramble before me, humanoid, under the wrath of Tormalin, dragon deen. They said they had the big table.

Yes, right up here, Tormalin. Oh wait, no shit, she's over the big table. No, no, we're at the tall table. Tall table, tall table. The big table vertically. No, oh yes. Hey. Oh, hi. Are you? I'm already I'm from another. I'm totally high. Oh, hey,

formally, I posted the scrolls around town saying we're looking for an intern that can keep a secret. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. You got like a dark Lord in the basement or something. Yeah, sorry, you can feel his aura from like miles away. There's like a dark lord in the basement or something? Do- What? Yeah, sorry, you can feel his aura from like miles away. There's like a huge, deep, powerful thing. It's just like in this basement. You know about that? Um, it's messed up. Because I was like, isn't he dead?

But he's definitely here in the basement. Okay, I'll work on an aura shield of some kind. I didn't think of that. That's a good point There's a good point. See, it's we're already glad to have your board Chosodora. Hello, you said I'm Tarmelene Dragon team Trumbo is my wings dark in the sky or some such bullshit holy shit. She did the splits I gotta learn that one. Yeah, I'm not gonna be in sort of dragon form in here if that's okay.

That would be, um, people would die. Yeah, it would be very destructive, obviously. I mean, I'll do it if it's okay with you, but I figured that might not be putting my best like talent forward, per se. Tormally, would you mind as part of this interview for this position? Would you mind? That's part of this interview for this position. Would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself?

You've seen dimension of different forms? Yeah, I mean, it's natural sort of like, how much do you know about dragons I guess I should ask? Mm. Because we do like magic, like all kinds of it, you know? So like sometimes I look like that's if I want to, which I generally do when moving amongst like, tini's, but if I'm like, chilling,

then I'll be in my normal state, which is a big, like as size is relative, right? Like a dragon, like dragon, like teen dragon size. Oh, teen dragon. Well like teen dragon size, not like my dad, right? Cause he's big, like a mountain. Yeah, teen dragons can like, not like my dad, right? Because he's big like a mountain. Yeah, teen dragons can like stand on top of a cart and kind of surf, right, or bite into an ale to drink it.

Yeah, bigger than that, but we could definitely do those things for sure. I mean, teen dragons can box too. Well, I suppose, but- I mean, it does not my preferred method of combat. I prefer like breath weapons or claw weapons or sort of high level enchantments and spells and like fire mostly. Ooh, fear and fire. Fear and fire.

Destruction. Deadly combination. Now, I know quite a bit about dragons as I am obviously a great and powerful wizard. But my friend Arne here has only met a couple of dragons in his time. So he may have some other questions for you, Anna. and powerful wizard. But my friend, Olli here, it's only met a couple of dragons in his time. So he may have some other questions for you, and we'll go out. We should warn you, this is all being recorded and maybe used to train some of our future staff as we move forward and hire more people.

So I don't know what any of that means. Okay. The three of you will be super lucky if you leave this with your lives. Oh man. We should also warn you that the last dragon we had on ended up turning into a bean dad. Well, into a what?

I, it doesn't matter. Tomaline, I would like to know what you decide to take your current form. You know, dragons often are too proud to take a semi where I humanoid forms that you see before us now yeah by the way what you think very nice pretty pretty huh right well I don't think we can say that because you're a teen dragon but it seems like you're asking you if I'm asking you what's this one's name oh I'm Sorry, I'm chun't okay chun. I'm sorry. I just said I look pretty good right and sort of like when a woman says that to you

There's a right answer and there's only one right answer. So let's try that one more time pretty hot right I Excellent John tell her about the worm in your butt. Arnie, knock it off. I'm not comfortable calling a teenager hot. I apologize. If you need to fire burn me, then that's what it is. I think you're a very big island young woman.

And if I had a nephew, I would certainly say my nephew should go out with you. OK, and if I was looking for a relationship, I might start off go for that. Well, luckily, I don't say my nephew would should go out with you Okay, and if I was looking for a relationship I might start off go for that Luckily, I don't have an FU so you don't even need to worry about it. That's great and luckily for him I'm not looking for a relationship So I'm just like faking it out. We're only 1600 years old. I don't need to like be You're 1500 years old you're fucking hot 1600 thank you. Yeah, you're fucking tears

You're smoking hot Yeah, dude give it to me literally smoke I'd like I like the flame embellishments in your hair and and it felt Good like if I'm gonna glamor like glamor, right? Yeah, I was asking myself when you walked in I was like Is she born with it? Or maybe it's tourmaline, I don't know. Oh my god, and it was tourmaline, it was me. You know, tourmaline, you said or mentioned your semi-human form.

Do you mind for our listeners describing the ways you do not look human right now? Beside, obviously it's the fiery hair. Sure, how do I not look human? Okay, big sharp teeth. Oh yeah. There you go. That's a good way.

But like, that's just by choice. Because I could just look like, you know, normal human. And I hesitate to use that word because I don't have like a ton of human encounters. But like, I was just like, I wanna be hot. I want my hair to glow. I want smoke to vaguely follow me everywhere I go.

Sharp pointy teeth, red eyes, sort of like an aura of fear that sort of like is pervasive and all who gaze upon me, as if like my wings could black out the sky or some such bullshit. Yeah, I like that you kept the wings, even though they're a diminished smaller state. They look very good. They're like, they're cute.

Yeah, they're a little cute wings. It's sort of fun. It's sort of sort of, but it's still devilish. It still gives you a lot of mystery and danger. Normally they're big. Right. Normally they're like 30 feet apart, you know? So like, it's a little weird being this a pop, you know, so like

It's a little weird being this small, but you can go into like some cool places. This place is pretty nice What's this called? It's like a beer cave This tavern is the strange familiar. It's okay cool. It's one of the more popular taverns here And this is where you live. This is yours. Yes. This is ony's house Okay, well, right? I mean, I'm renting a room here and I rent the basement. Oh, okay. Torveline, I don't want to presume. But, do you have a...

Do you have a hoard? Like, do you have a bunch of gold and treasure chests and stuff like that? It's funny you shouldn't mention that, chant. That's actually what I was sort of interested when I was looking at your job. Posting it said that you would provide 24, 24, seven housing. And I'm sort of looking for that because my dad was like,

it's time for you to find your own horn. I was like, this heart's fine. You're sleeping like most years. And he was like, no, go out and find your own one. I was like, okay, fine. So I left. Between you and me, I think he's worried I'll kill him in his sleep. I'm between you and me again. He's absolutely right to do. I'm not about that. Yeah.

Because his heart is sick as hell. And I will take it from him the moment he closes his eyes. Wow. Are you like a trust-hortine? Like, do you inherit that hordered a certain age? No. Only when he dies. Which is why I think he sort of wants me to like, oh, do you mean like, do I inherit it just by him dying? Uh, yeah, we're that, yeah, yeah. I mean, kind of, the thing about dragon hordes is that like, people are trying to take them constantly. Right, so like, it's not sort of like a guaranteed thing.

There's generally like parties of people, have known each other for like a really long time, and one of them's got like a kickass sword that he should not have, and one of them's like small, and has a big ax, and one of them's good with magic, and one of them's like, tragically handsome, or whatever, and like there's a bunch of little ones,

and they're fun, they don't do much, but like they're fun, and they show up in your your house and try to steal your shit when you're sleeping and like 99 times out of 100 you kill them But when you live for like a long time that one at a 99 is gonna get you so you gotta keep your head on a swivel here I guess I never thought about it that way, but I guess a lot of quests are essentially home invasions. Yeah, I mean, like that sort of, you know, we get our hordes by taking it from... It's like a, you know, like the hord is made up of the bones and treasures of the people that came to take the hord. You know?

Among other things, like I'm not over right. So it works both ways. You don't necessarily want a home invader. You don't have to deal with someone trying to kill you, but then you just add to your pile. You add to the horde by saying, well, now I've got their magical sword and I've got their... Exactly.

I honestly, I welcome it. Like, please, please come and try to take my heart for me. I'm like, I'm dying for someone to come and try to take my heart for me. I'm like I'm so like I'm dying for someone to come try it like Honestly, I love just let your throw right now and take everything you have and then chew and then chop your bones chop chop chop So if I'm interpreting this correctly, you wish they would you wish they would I wish they would honestly come at the Queen See what happens fuck around and find out I'm begging you to do it Well, this sounds like a very responsible thing for a young dragon such as yourself to be doing so thank you Let me help you get started here. My let me take off my hat and reach in and uh here

Here's a here's a beautiful gemstone quite gigantic Yeah, you could start your hoardorde with that, that way someone... That's like small and stuff. Where's your get this? Oh, well, it's about the size of my fist. I guess that's small to a dragon still. Uh, well, I got it, I think... Let's see, I'm gonna turn a quest.

Where'd we go? We went over the mountains and through... Oh, which one? Okay. Oh, the mountain of Scalile Oh, I have a cousin there. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes, and then I think I got that gem when we killed Oh nice good on you. Thank you. Do you remember who? I think their name was Grossbar. I am not in the slightest bit surprise.

Oh, you knew Grossbar. Sloppy dragon, sloppy dragon. By a reputation, I mean like yes, but that's, yeah. I mean, let me, can I, I don't wanna make assumptions here, but tell me if them close Drag ahead a bunch of riddles. Yeah a lot of riddles answer to most of them was man, right? Big sort of gaping hole in the scales right by a vital organ. Yep. Yeah, that's the guy Fell asleep after after laughing so much that you couldn't get the riddles right Right. But you purposely got the riddles wrong

to make them laugh so much. Right. Yeah, fucking amateur hour. I would love for someone to try that with me. There are no riddles in this house. And can I say, honestly, it was a bit disappointing because you go on a big quest. You go through over the mountain and through the cave

and then you get to this dragon. Yes! Can you put on a fucking show? climax please, like this is the end. This is like, oh wait, we are in the dungeon. Fightin' the dragon. Like let's make a show, where's the fire? What's up, John?

I was gonna say that might be my new catchphrase. Let me jot that down. climax please. Oh, I like that. Thank you. climax please. Well, we workshopped this catchphrase. Why don't we take a quick break and,

oh, guy, do you want to, do you want to, what do you drag and shrink? Blood? Blood, bones, meat. Pretty much whatever. Okay. Like get up there. I love something.

Yeah, barrel of blood coming right up. We'll be right back. We did which we did did which we did which we did So it's hornolene dragon queen no class What did I get wrong? Oh, I'm so sorry. I guess I like to think of myself as a dragon queen But that is technically not a title that I hold Yes, there's there's only one dragon queen in all of food. Yeah And you wouldn't want to go around saying you're the dragon queen impersonating royalty You'd you'd get in a lot of trouble I think yeah, but but also like she was asleep. I was nearby

I'll try to kill her Yeah, me too, honestly. If I had a shot, I'd take it. And you're gonna come at the queen. That's not me. That's right. My sort of thinking, and by the way, maybe this is pertinent to my sort of job interview, but I like to take the task before me,

and then sort of just really excel at it, and then also excel at a task that wasn't given to me. As a way of sort of like putting my own thing on it, you know, showing that I'm willing to go like above and beyond. Oh. Like I'll protect my horde and decimate your village, right? Like I'll take all your treasure and curse your bloodline for a future. Wow, get you a dragon that can do both.

That's right. Is there a lot of dragons killing other dragons? Like is that a common scenario? How long do you live generally speaking? Oh boy, I don't really know. I feel like shape shifters probably live a couple hundred years. Okay. Yeah, so not super frequent by dragon standards, but so I guess even less frequent by your stand. Doesn't happen a lot. There's not a lot of us.

So like, we all know that we're trying to kill each other a lot of the time. Sure. Horde, it feels like a little bit of a zero sum game, right? Like people are making new treasurer all the time, but like the good, the treasure you want, this is the old treasure. The only way they got the old treasure

is to take it from like an existing hard Sure, they don't they don't make like me you don't want to go on like a hard tour You don't want to go on a hard tour, which is why I would much rather just like take off my stupid dad when he falls asleep And slid his dumb throat take all his treasure, but he kicked me out So this is good. There's like I can stay down here if I do, sorry, what was it you needed me to do? I have, but that's a person down there. Oh, the dark light. The guy with the bad aura.

Okay. Do you want me to like, kind of silence this room? Do you not have to whisper about it? Oh, is that not as well, you know? Maybe not the whole room, because that doesn't help, because then everyone in the room can hear us. Maybe just this thing, you know? I can just kill the other people in the room

No, you need them you like them. Yeah, we like them. We like them. We can keep them around right now Um, about that guy That let me talk to my friends. What do you guys think about? Just long Jerry That's long Jerry. I thought his name was Gerald That must be his nickname long Jerry. Yeah, I'm fine with him going, he's weird. Yeah, you can eat long, Jerry. I just want to know who's on board, who's on table, who's on service.

Sure, well, if you get hungry, later on, you know, that's an option for you. So what do you need me to do? We just need you to watch that person in the basement. The dark part? Yes. The dark load, his body was transferred into Oh, right. Yeah Into this small creature. Oh, sorry. We used to work. Why don't you stop whispering?

Tormeline do you mind casting? Well cone of silence doesn't seem practical. Why a cone? Just Pretty you want like a cubo silence? Yeah, could you cast the cubo silence to the desert? That would be amazing. I mean, I'm not used to real magic. Oh yeah, it's good. What? Here I go. I came right out of your mouth. Wow. Wow, it's weird magic. That's nice. Oh, I don't know. I guess you know what? Now I think about it. In a way, my magic comes out of my mouth as well. Right, listen. You have some dulcet tones.

Thank you. Drop the set. Okay, look, we're gonna cut this shit. You already sort of know to some extent. You know how everyone in food is talking about how the dark lord is dead. You soar the blue, kill the dark lord. Honestly, no, I haven't left the mountains

in like a long time. So I'm sort of like getting a lot of information Frequent like recently. Oh wow. Well You don't use a door right? He killed the guy that's not dead in the basement exactly killed the dark lord recently It was kind of a big deal like most people have heard about it It ushered in a new era of peace and fune. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, the Dark Lords form Reminians.

Like, there's still some of them, but their influence is crumbling. Sure. So the longer that everyone thinks the Dark Lord is dead, the better it is for all of fune. Okay. So it turns out that he sort of jumped bodies and now he's in this other body,

so he's not quite fully the dark Lord, so we've got him trapped in the basement. And we're just trying to make sure he doesn't get out and get into another body and just cause a bunch of troubles. So, hell yeah, no problem. Let's fucking do it, let's play God. Well, and we're throwing a lot at you in terms of what we need from you.

Exactly. We need from us exactly from us great question Okay question. Yes. I'm sorry. I write down this list I wouldn't forget Cart Blanche to kill anyone that comes into my heart. Hmm, okay That's that can I just say yeah, yeah, cart Blanche is one of my favorite actresses. Oh yeah? She travels through town with different plays. She does one on dragons actually. It's called a hoarding to Jim.

And it's about this dragon Jim, who had a brother who was just the funniest. And then the brother died. And then the world was left with this other dragon who's kind of boring. But he had so much hoarded that people started to come look for him and yeah, and why don't want to spoil the ending in case you ever in case it ever comes through your town I won't let's have the then

He's the dragon dice cool who checks his heart The lead the lead which and you know where it is now oh No, this is I'm sorry. This is fiction. I should have mentioned that it's a play. It's it's all it's all made up I'm sure it might be based on fact, or here say, rumor gossip, but. Okay. Yeah, when I say car blanche, it refers to when someone brings a big white car

into your heart and you get to take it. I see. Can I ask a question? This is for the interview. Do you have a hard time telling the difference between fiction and reality? No. Next question.

Do you? I'm gonna say it wouldn't disqualify a person from being, from working for us. Okay. No. Okay. Do you have three references? Yeah.

Wait, let me think about that again. No. Oh wait, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like, um, okay. Um, I'm sorry, this is just hard for me because I have like, in the mountain a lot and I don't have, I know a lot of like,

popular culture things to say. Sure, and I just wanted to ask. D.C. is Jim. Jim the dragon, that's one. That's a reference. And that's a horse. Okay. The thing you said about.

That's the thing you do. Is that a reference? Yeah. Kind of. There's not only cart blanche, there's cart rose, cart dorthy. And I want to say cart so. So yeah. That says like a pretty golden reference.

I'll take that one. That's a reference. Uh-huh. And, um, oh, yeah, there's a town like, I don't know, couple wing beats south of here that I just absolutely Torged to the ground. So if anyone's alive there, they can be like, yeah, she's legit. What's the name of the village that you torched? Who could know? Probably like Woodhouse or something. Like, um, quick Kindle, Kindle Barn. I don't know. Do they name all of them? I think most towns have a name yeah.

Don't they get sad when someone burns it down? Isn't it better to like not know so you don't feel bad when someone burns it down, isn't it better to like not know so you don't feel bad when someone burns it down? I- there's a lot of logic to that, but uh, humans tend to lead these short lives and try to find meaning in them by scribing a certain weight to things that uh, being such as you and I know are a femoral and won't last anyway. You said are that's really making a lot sort of click into place for me. Sure. It really is like, I was like, why are they all, they're running so fast. Like, they're so scared. And then it's like, yeah, having, and then it's like,

oh, their time is extremely brief. Like, little tiny ants, running from stuff. Because they're like, when are you going to get squished? Yeah, yeah, that is the thing about fear is what it evokes in the human life is the desire to stay alive. So that's directly related to your whole sort of mystique? Yeah, for sure. I want to take that.

I want to make people dead and take their treasure and sleep on it. There is one part of this job that you might find challenging. The problem is we have to keep the Dark Lord alive because the only way the Dark Lord can escape his current form is by dying. So honestly like probably rule one is don't kill the Dark Lord. That's no problem. Let me tell you how I envisioned this playing out. Okay. It's a dark lord, right?

Right. Everyone thinks he's dead. The longer you try to convince everyone of that, the more they'll believe it, except that eventually signs of his life are going to start sort of like seeping out through the ether because this is a lie that's so big that it just somehow can't be contained. It's one of the things that's like, yeah. You know that it's not true because if it was true like someone would have leaked it

It's possible that no one on ever know though absolutely that won't know. No, there's no way on it trust me Someone's gonna find out when they do his little minions are gonna be like okay He's in this tab and then they're gonna come looking for him Which is great for me because then they're gonna bring all this treasure down to this basement, then I'll just try them, and I'll take the treasure, and then that's sort of like good for me. My one I guess question is like,

how is this dude as a roommate? Because he's like there, right? And I can't kill him, we're sure about that. Right, right. He tends to vomit cats from his mouth. Yeah. He's an evil, powerful being stuck inside an evil gross being. Sure.

That's OK, but like annoying yells a lot. Cleanse up after himself, I have to say. Yeah, yeah. But mostly with his tongue. Well, I mean, we spent a lot of time at the familiar Minotaur back in Hogsface with Blemish there. And, uh, the boy always seemed very tidy to me in a certain way. He was certainly fisterious about his studies to, uh, learn more about evil and, uh, become, uh, more terrible than he was before.

So you have to sort of respect him on that level I guess. How susceptible is he to criticism or like mental and magical domination? And don't mean that in a sexual way, I mean that in like a set and then he does. Yeah, I can't move because he's locked by magic and fear. Just so you can sort of always have your way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Well, I would say he's probably not gonna like it, but what's he gonna do? Just so you can sort of always have your way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, you know, as it been stopped by a sword. Yeah, I have I Hate to be this shape shifter. I don't want to come down hard on you But there are a few ground rules that we didn't mention that I hope aren't a deal breaker now said there was one

So now are there more than one. No, that was the top. That was number one But that's not the number one. Yeah, okay. I have some of that things too. So maybe this is fair Number two is no Teenage Dragon boys in the basement. Not a problem. Okay. Not interested. I'm trying to figure out me.

You know what I mean? I don't have time for that. I'm trying to start my career. I'm trying to build a hard. Why should also say no teenage girl dragons in the basement as well? Yeah, no. Fun.

Whatever. I guess I'm going to have to warn my nephew. My nephew's going to fall in love with you hard. Yeah, no, fun, whatever. I guess I'm gonna have to warn my nephew. My nephew's gonna fall in love with you hard and you're just unavailable. Oh, absolutely killing for his treasure. Yeah, right. I mean, here's the thing, like if a boy dragon or a girl dragon

or a non-binary dragon shows up down there, they only want one thing. From this smoking hot horde, they're here for your treasure. And they're gonna kill you for it. So you kill them first. Yeah. But no, we sort of have a thing.

And when dragons are sort of like younger and coming up, we sort of agree to agree to agree to not sort of step on each other's talents as we're sort of getting a foothold. I wouldn't worry about that. Okay, now I get one, right? Yeah, of course. Okay, I get to kill anyone that comes down there. Hmm, okay.

Well, we might come down there, so we have to modify that. Sure, present company excluded, no problem. Okay, okay, okay, I think that's fair. What if we though gets tired of being in charge and we start to feel like we need to delegate like a middle manager between us and you? Could we add people to the list that could go in the basement without you?

What do you mean when you say between us and you? Well, so say we're sort of like it starts to become a lot of work for us to work with you and so we sort of hire someone that is a go between. Sure. Could we send them in the basement and have them do you? Just send me a list of the people, listen, this is going to be similar for me if you just send me a list of the people I cannot kill. Well, it's definitely the three of us.

Great. And Mendo the Grindel. Yes. Who does the music? Dark Lord aka blemish. You don't have to have it all right now, but in the next like hundred years or so Just like at me a little bit. Okay. Yeah I'll start it right now got those four enough guys and now now back to us. We get another one here You have to every, you have to maintain a high GPA to continue on with us.

Of course, GPA is standing for a good positive attitude. We know that being trapped in a basement, especially with someone as menacing as a dark lord can start to deteriorate the psyche a little bit. So make sure you're maintaining a high GPA. I don't sort of look at it as trapped. I look a bit more as hoarding. Also, I guess I should say that I will probably not leave

in your lifetime, but I might need to, but probably not for a while. I mean, I sleep for like, oh no, decades of time. Huh, okay, all right, that seems fair. But I'm a very light sleeper. Like I wake up if anything, like sort of gets up in my biz. You just set like magical sort of like traps.

So like, for example, this door, someone comes through it. I could have it just kill them or wake me up. Which it seems like might be sort of more ideal to this particular situation. What sort of bany's are we talking here? Oh well, you know, obviously you get room and board for what seems like an infinite amount of time. And we'd be happy to pay you some amount of gold every week to add to your hoard.

I've already given you the down payment of this smallish gem. Yeah, it's pretty good Doesn't have to be gold by the way anything of value Bones something this number would fight with their lives to protect sure I think we can also swing a hearth insurance and full mental. Oh, okay I was like told by people that that was important It's sort of like so long game for me that it's not as much of a top priority, but yeah, I'll take it for sure.

Yeah, and I don't know if you need a heart insurance because, you know, that's for if people get too close to a heart and burden themselves. I don't think you'd probably burn easily. I'm guessing, so. Not at all. But we still offer the benefit.

And it covers you and your immediate family, which obviously you haven't settled down yet and haven't decided. No, that's great. I'd like to exclude my dad from that policy though. That's okay. Sure, that's fine. That's totally you.

Just because I probably will make an attempt on his life in the near future and in the event that I bought it, I want him on the ropes. I don't want him getting help from the outside at all. You know what I mean? See, do box. What's that? You do box. I mean, yeah, when. You know what I mean? See, do box. What's that?

You do box. I mean, yeah, when I need to, I'll start stuff in a box. Mostly pile, but I'll box. Please also know that we are hiring a dragon and not a dragon. So, you know, if you fall asleep and we check under your hoard and there's, you know, we find some unsavory materials under your hoard.

Just know that we're probably gonna have a long talk. Well, did you start a bulk bulk that for a couple of reasons? One, I'm gonna have an expectation of privacy on the premises. Like, if you sort of sneak in to check on my shit, I will sort of view that as a violation of that part of our agreement. And two, like, I just gonna be straightforward with you.

I will be doing drugs. Because I believe that I don't believe in that substance should be banned of any kind. Of any kind? No. We should talk about this. Are we okay with that? I mean, I guess I'd rather she do them in the basement than out there, yes, that.

Okay, yeah. I can probably make some of the stuff she needs. We can live with that. We can live with that. Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, the last thing is this 401k. There are 401 kings who we will send a bird out to, telling them about your horde.

So if you want to enroll in the 401 kings. Yes, please send the kings. Yes, kings, then, come king. Send a quest out to the court. I think I found another catchphrase. Yes, King's come to the heart. That's great.

King's a great treasure, historically speaking. Speaking of sending birds to the Kings, don't run up the Crow Bill here, okay? We probably have some messages to send to family members or to friends, but we don't want that to get out of hand. So just make sure that the crow bill stays within a reasonable amount. I think that's not gonna be a problem.

I mainly communicate, I tell up if they. Yeah. Oh. Now, since we're a small organization, here are some of the bennies we can't offer. So so. Kingsley, Saftdie, Uncle Parker. Those bennies you can have.

Grill, Hill, Hall, Hall, and the Jets. Mm-hmm. Benedict, Dover, A-X. There's only one last question on the application. We'd like you to take this short math test. And while you do that, we'll take a short break

and then we'll go take a look at the basement. Shorts, maybe. Well, I mean, I guess I should check in with Yusudor and John, but personally, I'm willing to offer you this position right now. Great. I'm willing to take it. Honestly, I feel like this is exciting for me, starting out, like starting my own

Horde. You three seem like pretty chill and defenseless largely. I feel threatened by you. I feel like we'll have a good working relationship. Oh, I had one more be threatened by you. I feel like we'll have a good working relationship. Oh, I had one more question for you actually. Yeah. I'm very excited about bringing you on board,

but I just wanted to know, you know, Winter Soul's this season is starting. Do you need time off for the holidays? Do you, what sort of, what sort of your experience for the holidays? Is there hundreds of holidays? Are there any of them that you need off? Is that like the five minutes

where I get sort of called? Right. Yes. It seems five minutes where I get sort of cold? Right, yes. It seems five minutes to a dragon. I see, yeah. No, I mean, like, oh, hold on, this is that christmas thing that I hear humans talking about, right? Oh, no. Yes, that's one of them.

That's one of the more popular of the winter souls to the solid days, indeed. Oh, yeah, no. I know. Kind of less popular. Kind of less no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Huh, and it's amazing that for those eight Millenniums that fire didn't go out. Yeah, it's to commemorate the Great Dragon War of eight Millenniums where the world was constantly on fire for eight Millenniums. Oh boy. Hey, Olli, did we ever tell you about that? No. That's a long span of time. Well, there was a great Dragon War and the world was on fire for eight Millennium.

That's like, is my understanding of it? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait you still want to commemorate the holiday? Well, we have to. Right sure sure sure, but like it's not coming for another It's eight on eight off and we're solidly in the middle of the off So I don't know guys fans. I don't think it's gonna be an issue. Okay. Yeah, by the way speaking of math I finished your test It's crazy to eat oh Yes, you eat the whole thing. I'm sold. Classic Kobayashi maru changed the terms of how to fix the test. Who? Kobayashi maru the guy who ate all the hot

dogs. So for Hordeca what was it called? Hordeca. Hordeca is there anything that we need to provide for you in terms of Leviathan bread or any sort of dragon bread? Actually, what needs to be on Leviathan bread if you have it? Oh, okay. Like bread that has never touched a Leviathan. Which is honestly most bread. Yeah, a lot of bread. They tend to stay in the water.

Mm-hmm. True, true. You don't see a lot of water bread. No. It gets soggy kind of. Yeah. If you have any sort of like, bad sweet wine, we'll drink that.

If you have bad, like wine that just like is way too sweet, we'll drink that. If you have any filthy fish. Oh, filthy fish. Yes. Just like the filthiest fish. Here you go. I have one in my sleeve. Oh, thank you. I mean, like like the filthiest fish. Here you go. I have one in my sleeve.

Oh, thank you. I mean, like I said, this is a long time coming. And then if you have any sort of potato locks, long hair grown from a potato locks. You said, I've got, I've been meaning to tell you, you've got to stop keeping the kingfish in your sleeve. Why? Do you like the Heathcliff of wizards?

Just because I like to put a whole fish on my mouth and then pull it out and look at the skeleton. Doesn't mean that I'm whatever you said. Oh my gosh, me too, but like cows and elephants and bigger things. Sure, yeah. If you can do it. If you've done it, have you ever done it? Well, one time I did transform mineself into a very large sort of a hell beast. It wasn't exactly a dragon, but I did eat an entire deer that way.

You pulled the skeleton out? Pulled the skeleton out? Yeah, so fun. After you're other two of you, haven't highly recommend. It's a thrill. And if you can do without breaking any of the bones? Mm. So good. I haven't, but I do have to declare I hate Mondays

What's Alan? Wrong care. Oh, no, it's just it's just me. It's just like you know, I just hate Monday. Oh you're despicable Why don't we show you your new your new abode? Yeah, I can kind of see it through the walls from here But it's like there right yeah, we can kind of see it through the walls from here, but it's like down there, right? Yeah, we can go. Can you see through the walls? Yeah. Me too. Yeah, that's cool.

I mean, it's the little weird guy barbing up cats in the corner, right? Yeah, that's the big room. There's like a sort of magical barrier there around him. He's chained to the wall. Yeah, no, that's a good. The cats in the corner.

I'm probably gonna, oh, what's next to him? Is that a cradle? Yeah, there's no that's a good cats in the corner. I'm probably gonna oh what's next to him? Cradle yeah, there's a silver spoon. Is that where he's sleeping? He'd probably be less bad if you gave him a full bed That's for a baby as I understand I'm gonna keep taking these notes. It's meant to be psychological if this is okay I'm probably gonna like dig this sort of out It just needs to go deeper for me to like fully spread the wings, you know what I mean? Sure, sure, sure.

I'll take him with, it's not gonna provide him like an escape or anything, but like, it's always sort of fun when you go down and it's like a basement, but then like, it's not a basement, it's like the beginning of a very intricate cave system, which by the way, if you're like used to it or you would know, if you're going on a quest, like, you want it, you want the intricate cave system.

Oh yeah. You want the basement to be the final, the place for like the final, uh, conflagration. What am I supposed to like have my final battle and hit my fucking head on the beam above my head? On a tiny shanty. Yeah. That's some nerd shit. No thank you.

No, I- No, I- Yes, you want some stalagite and stalagmites and you want to Some torches that are spread out just a little too far. So there's some dark and some light Yeah, big patches of darkness. I was okay. I was gonna ask how do y'all feel about something like very open concept sort of like The the bone pile flows into the living quarters flows into the horde sort of like close together so that you can sort of like entertain and kill people simultaneously. I was worried that I was worried that this dragon would try and

introduce some things way into the space. I just want to make sure that if the tavern is ever resold that we're not footed the bill for that. It won't be in the tavern. It will be in the, well, I guess we should look at the leaves. Yeah, we are renting basement. Does the tavern own the land under the tavern? Mm, that's a good question. It's a state.

Because I will tell you, generally speaking, once you start digging, that's whoever's there, baby. You know what I mean? Sean, you used to run a restaurant that I worked at. Should we just buy this tavern? You know, it might be for the best. If we're gonna be running an operation out of here, if we're gonna be hoarding the dark lured as it were,

then you might wanna buy it. Arning how much money do you have? Quick, everyone in the other pockets. Okay. I got like a couple, I burned that whole town, so I have everything that they had. So I'm... What's this sort of big? This one's a gem, right?

This is a gem to you guys. Oh yeah. Greenhole and yeah. Yeah, okay. This is a... Nope, this is Cascale's. Oh, you have a bunch of socketed items you just threw up. Oh, I don't know what that...

Yeah, the ones with holes in them. Yeah, we- guys, we should use more socketed items I've been saying. Someone was screaming about set bonuses when I took this from them I don't know what that means but they're green and they seem cool so I got these and they have just this is like someone screamed oh no my Faberjay egg and I was like this is an egg. Well we can eat so we we can eat them. We can all eat them. If you all need any of this, you can like take it.

Oh, you don't need it for your report? Well, you're buying the place to have the horn, right? Right. And honestly, it makes me a little uncomfortable to have my horn in a rented space. Sure, sure. Well, I think the egg should be sufficient enough to trade for the entire lease to the tavern.

Okay, I'll start doing some work down here. I feel like we've taken out a few walls this place could really sing. Well great, I'm gonna go talk to the owner and see what sort of deal I can work up. I'll be right back. He tripped upwards He's running across the ceiling. Yeah, I hit my head on the ceiling. You guys knew it was a prop. You don't spend a lot of time in the air, right? I don't.

No, I mostly sit. Depending on my form, yeah. Yeah, you can trip in the air really easy and it's honestly super embarrassing because you cannot hide it when it happens. Do you try and act like you were doing a jump shot or something? You try to, but like people know, there are like nothing flies like that.

That's not a thing that wings do. Dragon bifte on a wing and just like plummeted 50 feet. Sometimes people scream and they think you're coming after them. That's the one way I've been able to play it off. Like oh no, I was coming to kill you. It wasn't an accident. But really, usually it's a little drunk and I, you know, it happens. Oh, can we bring you down some libations?

Oh God, can you? I love that. Yeah, well we already gave you a barrel of blood. Mm-hmm. I drink basically anything. Okay. More than like, but these little things that you're drinking out of here.

Oh yeah, we call this. Kip. Kip. Kips. Kips. Am I saying it right? Kips. Kip. Kip. Am I saying it right? Kip. Kip.

Kip. Oh god, have I been saying Kips wrong my whole life? Kips. Yeah, these are too small for me. So, barrels please. But, yeah, of course. Honestly, whatever you have is going to be nice. This filthy fish is going good.

Oh, look who's back. Well, I was able to trade the egg to buy the tavern outright and actually the owner, Mark was said that it was too much and so gave me three chicken eggs as change. Huh, huh, could have called that even. I don't know, he said this is too much and then he handed me three chicken eggs and he called it a deal

and now I've got the title in three chicken eggs. I'm like fascinated by these little guys. I mean look at these. Like how do you not crush it when you sit on it, right? Oh well well I wouldn't sit on this. A chicken would sit on this. Yeah no I assume but even that is like they're so small right? Yes. Yeah and you know what a chicken is right? Yeah yeah, little sort of little fluffy guy Yeah, it's on you like it's like scratches around yeah, yeah, yeah, the one that makes the buck buck buck That's the one correct and do you know the term for the the little space that they live in it's called the chicken chicken

Chicken Chicken kit chicken, chicken, I chicken-kip, chicken-kip. No, close. It's like chicken-kip wrong, my wife. It's a chicken-kip. Chicken-kip, oh, because they're always also trying to kill each other too. That makes sense.

Taking a toward of the bigger chicken. And a aeroctra-kada-hal. Now look at that jauntie hat that I just, uh, conjured onto Chun's head. Uh, the little brim, with the little brim. What-what sort of hat would you say that is? Oh, that, uh, the door. That's right. Hmm. A use of Fedora. Oh, God, have I been saying Fedora wrong my entire life?

Guys, we're business owners. Let's celebrate. Yay Congratulations. I'm so excited to learn this new company This might be a strange way to celebrate, but would you guys mind if I read an email? Oh, yeah, it's exciting sure. Yeah, I'm just excited to learn the nuts and bolts I'm going on here. It's like I can really contribute you know Or any kind of say this is the kind of stuff we need to do now is like read emails and make the culture very fun before we go public before we go public. Oh, okay, sure, sure. Yeah.

All right. So here's an email. Good afternoon, Arnie, Chant and Yucidor. Just wanted to put my little marker in your inbox to see if you stocked up on emails to read on the podcast. I miss not typing. There are no on emails to read on the podcast. I miss not typing there are no new emails this week on the wiki. Anyway, happy approximate one-year anniversary of me being caught up listening to the podcast and starting my own quest to one day being your official lore idiot, best and aka the unofficial lore idiot on Discord.

Wow, what a hyper-specific anniversary. Yeah, they wish themselves a happy anniversary. Sometimes you've got to. You have to make time to celebrate for yourself because the world won't celebrate you if you don't celebrate yourself. I believe this is one of the main people that maintains the magic tavern wiki at magic tavern dot wiki dot dot com dot com. Did you mean to say two dots? wiki dot com wiki dot period com. The word dot. There's the more you say it, the more

confusing it is. Magic tavernron.wiki.com. Wiki.wiki.wiki.wiki. Wiki.wiki.wiki.wiki.wiki.com. Wiki.wiki.wiki.com. Wiki.wiki.com. Jim Com. Desperado. Wiki.waw.wiki.waw.wiki.waw. Wiki.waw.wiki.waw.

Look, also this pass of aggressive, but charming email is a good reminder. We should be reading emails more often on the podcast. And if you're a new listener, you can email us at MagicTaver and at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. Don't bother to email us asking if it's a really email address. It is. Well, thank you for being a lore master.

I suppose on Earth, they need to catalog the things that have happened on this show. Although they seem pretty normal and easy to track to me. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's the time I was mind-controlled by fish, the time we got the lunar sword. Oh, then some other stuff happened. All the bennies we mentioned.

All the bennies, yeah. I think that's about it. Or any stuff that's too in time. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Oh, the time I did two backflips. Can I ask you guys a question? Sure, yeah. You guys, a bunch of stuff doesn't reach me

when I grew up in the Unnamable Mountains, but there was this worm called Zach Plasma. Who apparently had this like, was just like so funny. And I wanna track down to that, dude. Well, um, Zach Plasma is not with us. Wait a minute more. Does that make sense?

The worm with the skull for a head? Yeah, right. Is the one that would wear the shirt that said, I'll have what I'm having. Yeah, come on, the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard. Yeah. Because that's such a dragon thing. I will have what I'm having.

I felt seen when I heard that. I'll also have what you're having, but primarily, I'm having. Yes, I'm sorry that Zach Plasmus is no longer with us. Yeah, and I'm sorry that Zach Plasma is no longer with us. Yeah, and I'm sorry that he died before I was ever recording the podcast. I wish I had any tape of Zach Plasma, probably the most dynamic character I've ever met in FUN. Didn't he have a skull for a head? That's right, yes.

That's like classic undead stuff, you know that, right? Oh, I'm just saying that y'all don't have like a great track record for knowing this is as a new employee, can I just say that it like sometimes you guys seem like you're funded by Mott where I'm sitting, you're over one when thinking something is dead when they're not. Oh fuck, historically if someone dies on this podcast, they're usually on the show a lot more. I'm just saying, Zach Paz was in the eighth, they're keeping her head on this level. Oh, fuck, we buried him alive.

I'm gonna grab a shovel, I'll be right back. What is that, where are you? He's a worm, right? That was halfway across food from here. How long is he gonna be gone? Also worms buried is fine. Yeah, worms love it underground. Yeah, dead worms, even more.

That's like, that's where they should be. Yeah, you're just like dead, dead worm, dead and in the ground, double ground, so come. He'll probably realize that and come back. Oh, that dead worm is worm fruit now. Well, I am very excited about the future with you, Tom Lene, the dragon teen. I think, Tom Lene, the dragon teen. I think-

Tomaline! The dragon teen! Yeah, me too. I'm gonna sleep for like a long time, but I'll definitely, you know, all eyes open, magically speaking. And if you need me, just like, wake me up, otherwise I'm there and I'm excited to be part of the team.

Perfect. On you know that dragons have an awareness, even as they sleep, right? Just as ducks do. What? Duck sleep with one eye open. They do? Yeah, they take turns.

Doing one side than the other. It helps keep them awake and away from danger. Dragons do the exact same thing. I thought you might know about ducks. Sorry, I'm back. I heard someone talking about ducks. Did you know that they have Corks Reef Penises? All right, bye-bye. Well, someone talking about ducks. Did you know that they have corksroot penises? Alright, bye-bye!

Well, we have to mention it every couple weeks according to one of our contracts. So that makes sense. I'm glad we got it in there. Are you all forgot? Cause your reins are small? Exactly. That reminds me, we should do a Patreon episode all about duck penises. We have all kinds of unaired tape of us just talking about duck penises. OOoo! Sorry, I heard you mention duck pen just talking about duck penises. OOoo! Sorry, I heard you mention duck penises and I always have to say OOoo.

Alright, bye bye, I've gotta go pick up this word. Oh no wait, we should have told him. Oh well. Yeah. Well, I would say, let's celebrate. Can I get you another barrel of blood? Yes, please, can you? And you know what? It's on the house. Because the house belongs to us! Ha! Dragon Fire!

RAAA! No, no! Oh shit! That one, you. Okay. Oh great. Now if you break something in this place, we gotta fix it. Alright, I'm just gonna put off that. And once again, you find yourself in my sensible hands. After another unresponsible weekend with your father eating take-out in his studio apartment over the guitar center.

Post-Germus, Wizards, Choice Award, nominee, Usador the Blue was played by Matt Young. Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Refy. Tormelene, Dragon Teen, was played by Special guest, Zach Reno. Wasn't he capricious and entitled? And his character had some fun details too? Check out Zach's podcast, Off Book, where he and Jess McKenna improvise a new musical each episode. But more importantly, remember, if Zack should ever appear before you and offer to make your greatest desires come true, there's going to be some hidden

part of the contract that costs you everything. Like so many Los Angeles casting agencies, best to just send Zack on his way. Hey, remember on today's show when they mention the Magic Tavern Wiki? At magictavern.wiki.com. Yeah, that's still a thing. And while many people think a group of interns keep the site meticulously up to date, if we had such a group, wouldn't we task them with writing better story arcs? What I'm saying is, if you've got the time and a love of recording minor details that may outlast us all, get in there.

You could be the next Sam Well Tarlie controlling the narrative from the Citadel. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. It's been a big month on the Patreon, with the surprise edition of all seven episodes of the first season of Earth Games, just plopped onto the Patreon feed like an unwanted YouTube album on iTunes. And that was just an extra treat, in addition to the ad-free versions of episodes and the two new free bonus episodes each month, speaking of which here's a clip of last week's bonus

episode, where Arnie Chantanusador answered questions from Patreon supporters. Ah yes, here's a question I got. from Patreon supporters. Yeah, let me get through the whole thing. Keep on making them peeps. I thought it was maybe a question for Peeps Ravenson, who famously just dates everyone. You know Peeps Ravenson, the Raven with the broken wing and all the women are like, I can fix him, I can fix him. The real skinny Raven. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know who you're talking about exactly. I mean, I think that good luck to him. So I'm sorry, sorry, what was this peeps? Sorry, sorry, sorry, what was this peeps question? Hey, peeps, love the podcast. It holds a very special place in my heart, because I have no idea what question to ask. I'll ask the Earth's standardized interview question.

What is your greatest strength? And your worst weakness. Also, could Chant try to say the matchy-tavvy intro again? Maybe he'll get it right this time. This podcast has gotten me through a rough time, and I'm so grateful to have gotten the chance to explore food with all of you, and then it just says, don't die. Aw, that's how all letters should end.

Why did people write sincerely? Next time someone writes me, make sure you end the letter with don't die. That's a mere sentence. I am very upset with what is happening in my district. Don't die. Dear Mr. Policeman, I gave you all the clues. Don't die. To hear the rest, end Earth Game Season 1, and a bunch of other stuff of which I'll spare you the specifics.

Go to patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Rathai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, this episode edited by Chris Rathchin. Special assistance by Ryan DeGeorgie. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. This has been another production by Arnie Matt Adelco. Oh god, they're going to trademark that arm set.

Oh god, they're going to trademark that arm set. Oh god, they're going to trademark that arm set. you