Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 70 - Golden Unicorn

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Chaos the Golden Unicorn stops by for a talk show-style interview and to grant a wish.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiChaos the Golden Unicorn: Carisa BarrecaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenDirector Ward: Shane WilsonTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Trisha. Trisha. Trisha, why does that name sound so familiar? Who can say there are millions of Trisha's in the world. Yearwood. Others. But this message from Trisha saying nothing is what it seems. Probably another grassroots marketing campaign from some corporate behemoth. The rest is probably nothing is what it seems

when you cook with hello fresh. Yeah, whoever Trisha is, she's not giving me much to work with. Whoa. What is it Tim? The weirdest sensation. For a second, the entire facility flickered. Like, the whole thing was just a backdrop. Like that increasingly outdated system Disney uses

to create the backgrounds for everything except surprise hit andor. The thing that sets apart andor is the careful storytelling. That and the guy and the tower with the hammers, but let's not get sidetracked. Well look at that and other transmissions coming in. Maybe something familiar will calm your nerves. Care to work your substandard magic? Yeah, some focus might help me. Mmm, people of Earth! Who's got two thumbs and isn't real? Wait, no.

Who's got two pointer fingers, which are pointing at something that isn't real? Or rather, if podcasts had thumbs, which podcast would, well, actually, if they had the whole hand, because just the thumb looks, hey, you know what? Sit back and enjoy the show.

I'm a little fed magic tablet. The weekly podcast for the magical land of food. I'm your host, Darni, and you can't. If you never listen to podcasts before, this is everything you need to know. Eight years and one month ago, I fell through. Excuse me. 8 years and one month ago I fell through, excuse me, I fell through a dimensional portal by Burger King into the magical fantastical land of food. Luckily I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift and I used that to upload podcast recorded year in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nipplebottom, in the magical land of fiend.

And I'm joined, as always, by my chun. Where's chun? Wee-ho! Oh, yeah baby! Oh, aren't you, ha ha, let me, this mount here? I bet you're wondering about my new ride here. I am wondering about your new ride. See, I put Chubby Little Chassis right underneath Iggy Baby,

put a saddle on top, and now I ride him around. He has some wheels, isn't that fun? Wow, how are those wheels in, did you just poke wheel? Like an axle through your egg? Yeah, it'll be fun. Arnie, work, weirder, not smarter. Okay, that's fair. So that's what I always say.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. But I feel like parenting is so hard, and I was like, well, how can I, you know, how can I take my child and have them help me out? So I'm not just helping them out. And I thought, sometimes my legs get tired, and that's when inspiration struck. That's great.

So, but then how did you come wheeling in here? Did you like have to push? Eggie baby and then hop on, or did you get someone else to push, Eggie baby? Well, I had to lay on my stomach on the saddle and then I had to be right up against the wall and then I had to put my feet up against the wall kind of up high and then walk them down

and push off right at the right time. Oh, okay. Yeah, does that make sense? You wanna give it a try, Ernie? Hop on here. Oh, okay. Yeah, does that make sense? You wanna give it a try, Arnie? Up on here. Oh, no. I would crush. I'm, I look, I know Eggie Baby's been through a lot.

I would crush Eggie Baby. Okay. Are you, it seems like you're, you do okay, buddy? Okay, good. Talk to you then. Hey, I'm with Bing-Bong. And I'm sorry, Bing-Bong. Sorry, big, I said, Bing-bong, I meant big-ion.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry. I just did, I was having a little bit of, I was having a little bit of tummy troubles last night and I didn't think it was super well. But you know what, I'm here. I am present, I'm a professional, I am ready for the podcast. Well, I can sing a little song that I sing to Aegee Baby

when he has tummy trouble. Sure. How do you know Aegee Baby has tummy trouble? I just assume. Here we go. Shh, shh, shh. Aegee Baby has a little tummy pain. Oh no.

I'm gonna rub the spot, yeah. Aegee Baby and rub away the tummy pain now. Okay, stop brining. Okay, thank you. That was very sweet. See you're smiling already. You're smiling. Yes, absolutely. Also, you said, or I know he's not really a ghost. I know that he's pretending to be a ghost, but he keeps phasing in and out. Yeah, what is going on?

Like right before we started, he was here, and then he just froze in one position, and then he just disappeared. Yeah, I think he's, what does he call it, buffering? I think so, he's magic. Sometimes his magic kind of catches on itself, and I think he calls it buffering. Yeah, and then you're like, is he just staring me down?

And then you're like, oh wait, he's frozen. Oh, he's frozen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I'll show up eventually. Yeah, or not. Yeah, maybe this is the last thing he's seen. So, hey, here's what I'll say, Arnie. Probably.

Probably. So, I mean, hopefully the's what I'll say, Arnie. Probably. Probably. So, I mean, hopefully the belly ropes helped a little bit, but Arnie, do you have any, you sort of be great with his magical incantations to kind of suss out the issue, but do you have any idea of what might have happened? Well, I don't really know. It's like it's not, it keeps coming back.

So I went down to like where the giant spider web, the web of maladies, web MD, where you can kind of like just look through it and you can kind of, that is a, ooh, what a terrible web we leave. And first we put in our symptoms because that's a dark hole to fall down. I know, because everything they kept coming back with

was just sort of like the world's gonna end. Yeah. Or you are already dead. Like the game screen. I know and I'm like, I know it's not really that I'm already dead, but you just, then I was up all night being like, oh God, maybe I'm already dead.

Yeah, one time I went to the web and I said, runny nose and they said, dead by dawn. And I was like Dead by Don Yikes, so I said the time Don tried to kill you though. Yeah. Oh, you've met her. Mm-hmm Don the deer Don the deer Yeah, she's well, she's a fawn. I guess murderous surprisingly murderous. She's done the fawn But she's gotten older so I guess she's got the deer Wait a second. Oh wait Don the fawn Doesn't she have a son, Don, the font son?

Yes, Don, the font son is, yeah, that is her son. Yeah, and he's got, he's a bit of a little scrub. Yeah, completely. You know what, who knows when Yusinor is gonna rematerialize? Should we bring in our guest? Yeah, oh, who we brand our guest? Yeah, who'd you get? Arnie, who'd you get? Or maybe you're stomach is you're nervous about this guest. Maybe you, maybe you're, maybe this guest is,

oh let me guess, let me guess. Maybe this guest is someone like, we've wanted to have on the show for such a long time. Who is that be? Or like a creature we've never had. Or, yeah, yeah, bring him back, bring him back. Okay. Is it, wait, is it Don the Phone? It's not Don the Phone. or like a creature we've never had or yeah, bring him up, bring him up. Okay, is it, wait, is it Don the Fond?

It's not Don the Fond. Okay, proceed, I'm sorry. Yeah, because- Had to check, had to check. Look, I know, look, I've had guests on that wanted to murder you before. Yes. I'm trying not to do that again.

Thank you, buddy. What Arnie said? Yeah, what I said. Yeah. I don't know why I'm ladies and gentlemen. Is this how I do this? Is this how I do this? Wait, there's a big curtain here.

Did you install a big curtain next to the table? I did and I was so tired. And wait a minute, these are stools. This is a couch. You're behind the table, almost like it's a desk. And I'm off to the side in a little sort of comfy chair. Then there's a couch next to me. What's the show?

I forgot. Anyway, I was encouraging him me. Oh, it's a little car. Oh, I forgot. Wait, was it a car? I know, it's gonna say, should we do a desk a bit? I have a, I'm gonna save the desk a bit. Oh, wait, aren't you, I guess. I did learn a stupid trick. We'll save it for later. We'll save it for later.

Wait, didn't you have a bunch of topical jokes that you wanted to do up top? I did. While I did my stupid trick. Okay. But we'll say, aren't you right? We'll save it. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Let's break the format Let's do things in a weird order. Yes

Are you set it? Okay, you said it ladies and gentlemen We've had all kinds of magical creatures on this podcast before but I'm so excited And I'm not sure if I'm using the right term here. Our first and only guest of this episode is a gold unicorn. Hello! Oh my goodness, hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Wow, come on over to the couch sit down. Hello! Oh my goodness, look! Yes, the correct term is golden unicorn.

Golden unicorn. Golden, golden, the correct term is golden unicorn. Golden unicorn. Golden, golden, golden, golden unicorn is that correct? Oh my gosh, this is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. She is very beautiful. Thank you, yes, I get that a lot. It's kind of my thing. Yeah. Wow.

You're majestic, if I may say. Thank you. Yeah, you can't say. I wish more people would. Yeah. Yeah, I am. It's nice to put that out there. I am majestic.

I am beautiful. And I think that, like, if more people just said that about themselves, this would be, like, better please. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. So you're a golden unicorn. Yeah, yeah. Like, going through, like, from top to tail. Yeah, yeah, from growing through like from top to tail.

Yeah, yeah, from corn to horn. Yeah, from corn to horn. What is the corn? The corn is my asshole. That's, that was gonna be my guess. It is gonna be my guess. It is. Full corn.

Barney corn. Full? Yeah. You had to look at a card and then say, so you're golden, huh? That's what you have written on that card. I have that's look how big this stack is All of these questions, but I had to come up with them beforehand. Yeah Wow only gonna think you know like so much for having me and I'm like just so thrilled to be here when I heard that people wanted to talk to me I was like 100% in yeah, absolutely

Can I go through some of my prepared questions real fast? that people wanted to talk to me. I was like 100% in, yeah. Absolutely. Can I go through some of my prepared questions just real fast? Oh, I have a love bag. Let me pull one off of the top of this here. Do we know her name yet? No, you guys. That's what this says.

What was your name again? And here's, because I just assumed I will have forgotten. What was your name again? My name is Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos.

Cheos. The next card that I wrote out is, how do you spell that? Exactly how it sounds. Yeah, it is. It's C and Cheos. Yeah. Cheos.

Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos. Cheos? Cheos? Cheos? Cheos? Cheos? Cheos? Cheos is an accent or a pronunciation thing. Is it Cheos or Cheos? It's Cheos. Cheos? Yeah. Oh, stick to the cards. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. My next question is, how's it going so far?

Well, it has been going really well lately. Being a golden unicorn absolutely has its perks. Yes. Yeah, I just kind of like trot around looking amazing. I look amazing both in day and night, you know. Like, the sun just gleams off of my mane and horn and the moonlight makes me sparkle. I also grant wishes that don't usually come out exactly how the wishers wants, but you know what, wishers can't be choosers. And actually we heard you had a fun little anecdote about

a recent wish granted. I don't mean on ya. You can't believe you're bringing this up right now. Hold on. Bringing it up now. This is on Arnie's card. Arnie, it says that you pre-interviewed her and said to bring up this story about the wish. Yeah. I was just acting surprised. Real sleepy. This is such a shock. Amazing shock. Wow. What's the story about the wish-granting? Oh, yeah, absolutely. So I was done by a babbling brook. And yeah, it was beautiful this time of year.

And across the brook was a maiden, and she was worthy. You know the kind. Oh, you see? Absolutely. She... Okay, like a silver spoon in her corn. Butterwood, butterwood melt on her corn. Absolutely. Like she was, if you catch my driv,

she had the whole package. Um, she was like pure of heart. She like, you know, probably was a princess at one point that got like stolen by a witch. She had like everything going for her and she, uh, back into me clothes and ripped my horn. Uh-oh. Which was fine. You know, I get it. You see a horn in front of you and sometimes we just gotta trap her. Um, and she did. That's where the term horny comes from.

That's right. Oh, that's right. the term horny comes from. That's right. That's right. Where does corny come from? We don't have time for the, like for a friend. I'll put that at the bottom of my step. And she did, she did go ahead and grip that horn and then she just wished for like a better life.

And it was like a pure wish for like happiness. You know what he means? Oh. And then my wish turned her into a frog. So that was... Oh no! Yeah, and that frog did get eaten by a hawk. So I mean... yeah, she is dead. She is dead and... yeah, it is better than what she had. So that is... Her flight must have been pretty bad. It was not good. The witch did get her. So I mean that was, you know, it is a little bit of a chaotic gift,

but it is a gift. I guess if you just sort of immediately grab onto a nearby wild animal and say, I wish I had a better life. Things might not be going so great for you. Yeah, it's a little sweaty, a little desperate. It felt desperate. That was a fantastic story.

It will be right back after these sponsors. Mundle, place out. Oh no. And we're back. Wow. And the tabernacle a plotting for us. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. We're a hot crowd tonight. Wow. This crowd is on fire literally because somebody to make a wish during the break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What was the wish? Tell us about the wish. The faith would survive the winter, staying warm. And some of them will. Hmm. Huh. So as Arnie would say, your horn carries within a real monkey's paw situation. Oh, um, yeah.

Absolutely, if you will. Yeah. So if you, and I'm not going to, but if someone would, okay, well, I still want, because I have to do have a question about the horn. So if someone grabs your horn and makes a wish, is it something where they have to be as sort of detailed and specific as possible? Otherwise they'll get what they want, but maybe not the exact way that they wanted it? That's exactly right.

And thank you so much for like paying attention to these anecdotes and stories and really like deciphering what this horn means. Of course. If you were the correct wish, you will get the correct granted wish. If you don't, then you are forever doomed. There's a right way and there's a wrong way. There is. There is always a right and a wrong way. How am I supposed to compete with Chant's questions? He actually pays attention to what you're saying. Already that was on the card? Yes. Oh, I also, oh, sorry, my next card says,

do you got any kind of monkey paw situations? I'm sorry. We covered that, we covered that, we covered that. Rip it up, oh, Arnie, instead of putting it at the bottom of the pile, rip it up and toss it and the audience will go crazy, walk. Okay. Oh.

Ah. See? Yeah. They loved it. They loved that. It just makes you feel so carefree, so off the couch. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. What a nice moment. We both set off the couch at the same time. What's the most, what's both of them a big laugh on that? Ernie, could you believe that we both have the couch at the time at the same time?

We did this. Okay, well, Cheos, now it's the portion of the show where we like to do a little bit of karaoke. You know. I love karaoke. I love all the songs. I'm so excited. I love this way. I just love this show so much It's just so fun. It's a rom. This is called camel karaoke. I mean the segment was created for a camel, but We unfortunately don't have any camels here nor have we ever had a camel on so I don't know why we're sticking with that name I'm so sorry when I booked you I thought you were a camel and that's that's on me that is fair

I have four legs hooves and a protrusion coming out of me much like a camel. It is a four and eleven and not a hump and it is it does make it different Oh, I guess horns and hums confuse sometimes, which is a me-proud one. What? Makes a nightmare to sleep next to. And Chas, I have to ask, is the horn, is that water? Are you storing water?

Inside of it? Yeah, huh? Yeah, it is magical water, so. Ooh. Which explains why you were by the babbling brook to get a little refill, so it's like a straw. It is. I stuck it right up to that learn. Okay.

Absolutely, and it goes straight to the corn. It goes right through. So there's little opening at the tip of your horn? Right at the tip. You gotta be careful. You don't want to get anything in it. I'm sure. You gotta keep that clean. Gotta keep it clean for these guys. Okay, Arty and I are each gonna give you one word, and then you're going to say karaoke. That's how karaoke works. And this can just be like a ten-second song.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, for sure. For sure. My word, fuck, I cannot think of anything except for horn. I mean, we're just talking about horn, so horn is my word. Arnie, do you have your word? My word is song. Oh, I have this one.

I want to make me read. Thank you so much for this gift. And sorry, oh, so sorry, Cheos. Just for the audience, I do have to say, so combine that makes horn song. Thank you. Sorry, some people, you would think people get it, but for whatever reason, we have

to really fucking spell it out. We just have to really, we found that our listeners sometimes just don't put the pieces together. So that's horn song. Whatever you want. What's like he's the worst back. Oh, no, it's he. He's kind of jittering. He's got, he's got to get his guy again. Oh, false hope. Oh, gosh. OK. Well, here we go. Singing horn song.

One of my favorites. I think you still want to hear. Horn song. Sorry. Horn song. This is horn song. Horn song. Horn song.

Whenever you're ready. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's time. it's time to get corny I'm a little unicorn and you know it's not corny um you know that Chayos is the boss and wishes from her horn cause Chayos Chayos Chayos! and wishes from her horn cause chaos chaos yeah I think he was so young can I just say can I do the first to say my favorite part of that song was great my favorite part was right up top

you did a little thing that I would have thought yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you kind of moved your jaw look like you were like a almost like a couch you and cudd yeah where you just gave a little yeah yeah yeahow yow yow yow yow. What do you call that? I call it, it actually is Cud. I have to chew Cud.

It is amazing as well. I was just getting rid of the Cud. I'm really proud of that song and everything I said in it. So I would love it if we could make sure that that gets up to the public in some way, like maybe a single. Yes, that's, yeah. Well, that brings us to what are you here to promote? Thank you.

Um, yeah. I, um, well, I just wanted to promote, because there is, I do have a finite number of wishes that I am able to give out. And I need to give out the one true wish and that is kind of what I am here to permanent. Yeah, the one true wish. And of course that does mean that the one and I don't know who that is, it could literally

be anyone. If the one does grab onto my horn and make up your true wish that it will not only come true But it will you know save humanity. I don't know Oh, already did you see that she put her horn in your cup of water? That wasn't her cup of water What a moment do we get that yeah. Oh, what a moment. Do we get that? Do we get that?

What a moment. I think so. Oh, I think I think so. I think maybe use the door. Oh, is he unfrozen? Oh, he's used it or do you use our key in yours? Oh. Yeah, it is.

What? Oh, sorry. You're kind of fading in and out. Yeah, you were sort of coming in and then you froze, and then you disappeared, and then you came back again. Oh, it's just, it was frozen solid all week long. Well, did you meet Cheos the Golden Unicorn? Do you have any questions for Cheos? Hi, a pleasure.

Hello. Cheos, it's a pleasure to meet you. Forgive me, but I was a solid block of ice for many days. So you're our unfrozen blue wizard. Things are weird and strange to you. You're not familiar with everything that's happened in the last half hour. Yousador, Chas just got done saying that she is here

to promote. She's here on the show, of course, to promote. And you serve plenty of time. We've had some format changes. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So I throw this on you. No, that's fine.

The couch over here. Yes, let me switch spots with you because you're new. So I should. I think it's the way I like this seating arrangement. But we just learned that Cheyenne says here to promote that she only has a few wishes left to give with her horn. Most of her wishes, if I'm being honest so far, most of the wishes she's granted seem to have led to the death of the Wishers, you know, is that fair? That's more than fair. Yeah, most people, you know, no matter what they wish for are not getting exactly what they wish for and I think that's their fault and that's kind of on them. Sure. It's a real monkey's pause situation plus for laughs

Have you ever had and I'm sorry sorry, I should've, I keep popping. How long? I stepped on my lab. I know how long. Nobody was laughing, so. Oh, okay, because I'll wait. No, I think, I think it passed. I think the time passed.

Cheyoss have, uh, audio-aute chunt happened to wish for anything yet. No, not yet. Um, but I am wishing for, I'm wishing honestly on myself that somebody has wish. Yeah. Oh, can you wish on yourself? It's kind of like trying to tickle yourself. It doesn't really work. But it's fun to try. It is fun to try and I can try a lot. Practice makes perfect. Oh yeah, so you're just sorry this is a new segment I ever show where we recap the interview that we just did

You sir So somebody grabbed her horn and wish to stay warm in the winter and they were set up blades and died in a horrific Body fire got it got it. Oh, God. I'm princess Wished that for her life to be better and she turned into a frog and was eaten by a hawk immediately. We don't have to lose cap everything. I think one more thing, sorry, there's one more thing. There's one more thing that I don't think you got, which is corn's arousels. Yes.

Not saying ears of corns are rude, like they catch you off in traffic, with their carts, with your, you ever see a corn driving a cart and they're just like, no, for a a unicorn from corn to horn. So a corn is there is there a little, they're beautiful precious asshole. That's right. I am, I'm golden from corn to horn. From taint to top. I took that literally to begin with.

Cheyoss, I have a question about the Kyle. Yes, it is. Also, you used to do it or I have a stack of free repair questions. Finally. I bet you anything that's next one is what's that name again? Who are you? Close enough. Thank you so much for asking. I am chast, though, gawled and unicorn, and I am just looking for one true wisher to make their purest of wishes on my horn and get the ultimate wish that will save All of humanity

You say you don't give a shit about elves or to walk no they can go to hell all right, okay Arnie Arnie It turns out our second guest was a camel, but they've been humped for time Boss for life What is going on with this crowd in the bar? but they've been humped for time. Pause for laugh. What is going on with this crowd in the bar? I don't know. Come on. Homes for time? Burnt to death.

Oh, that's right. Most of our audience is dead. That's right. I've released locally. That makes me feel a little better. Sorry, Arnie, what was your question? Oh, I was just gonna ask, has anyone tried? Have you had a circumstance where someone tried

making a wish and part of their wish was, I hope this doesn't, I wish for something that doesn't lead to me dying from this wish. You know what, shockingly, no, because usually people just make the wish and they're not aware of other wishes that have happened But like this is this is a great plan for me to say I'd love for someone to try that Okay, and actually we were told from your publics just would I be able to make a wish right now?

Oh my god, this is so unexpected. I can't believe you're even asking Let me stand up. I thought this is gonna be used in our last episode, but apparently this might be chunks last episode. Okay, let me roll up my sleeves with a big shit-eating grin and kind of give a wink to the audience. Can you believe this? Okay, may I go ahead and grab the horn? I would love it if you did.

Okay, and I'm gonna go ahead, Arnie, check this out. I'm gonna go ahead and wish for more witches. Fuck, I worded it wrong. No, no, no. No. There are so many witches here at nibble bottom. Yeah.

How many more are there? They're climbing into the window. Oh. I mean, it did come true. So that's important to know. That is very impressive. And let me touch my body in a comical fashion. Looks like I'm okay, wipe this way off my brow hold for laughter oh the witches are laughing they love it yeah honestly

this is chaotic but it's like a chaotic and I love that it's chaotic it's a check it's a check up now how long does it usually take for the death part to come after the wish do they get to enjoy the wish for a little while? The full of the death? No, it's pretty immediate. You know what I mean? Yeah, so like if there is death to follow, then it's already inside of you. Okay, so, you might be all right then. Yeah, let me, just in case I'm gonna cut off

one of my fingers, and just in case anything happens to me, this, put this finger in water, and it will grow into a new me. I think we have to do it. Just like an avocado. Yes, just like an avocado. And I will be greeting and I have a big scene inside. Would you say, are you a baby?

What? Or a baby group? A what? A baby group? A baby group. Oh, I understand the word baby. I assume he's doing. Do you have groups?

What's a baby group with you? Is that what you want? You don you have groups? What's a baby group with you? Is that what you have to pass for life because I laughed a little bit We're having fun. We'll be right back after these residues Lean over while we go to bed We're doing great. You're doing a great job. Is this what you're looking for? Yeah, that's great, don't. So there's no table now. Well, it's a desk. Okay, well, that's not a table. It's a desk.

Hold on. Hold on. I'm so sorry. Moving down the couch. You, sir, you don't think a desk is a table? Describe a desk to me. Describe a desk to desk. Hold on. Hold on. I'm so sorry. Moving down the couch. You sir, you don't think four legs and a flat top where you put plates on top to eat off. Fuck, I was gonna nail you to the wall

and then you said drawer and I was like, forgot about that part. You forgot about the fucking drawers. You said or? Yes, this brings up a great point because we were gonna do this at the beginning, but we're gonna do it now. It's, we have a desk a bit.

Let me bring these big pieces of cardboard. This is a little game we like to do called, it's we have a desk a bit let me bring these big pieces of cardboard this is a little game we like to do called is it a desk so I have some pictures here here's a picture of a giant duck my question to you is it a desk no all right you got that one wow he's good at this oh fire so Files are writers, am I right? This is entertainment on Jo-Woo. Feels time. And I have a desk bit here. Let me put on the suit jacket.

And put it up on the side. Let's see what we have here. These are actual headlines from Foon. These were in the Foonish Times. You heard of these, you see? So what do we have here? Says Goblin Dead at 20 fun. So someone's clearly spelled 21 wrong and that made it into the headline. But important to remember that someone died. Someone did die. So let's have a moment, this is a new desk, called Moved of Silence. No? Sorry?

No. Sorry, people are laughing. I'm not pausing for a laugh. We're not pausing for a laugh. We're pausing for a memoriam for an orc who died when they were 20 fun. But I'll take the laughs as well. 21. 21, sorry.

Cheos. It's an honor to be here. It's a real honor to be here today. Oh, shit. We have a guest. I forgot. Oh, shit. We're going to the desk bit.

Cheos, uh, uh, uh, what is the source of you magic? Have you always had the ability to grant wishes since the day you were bored? Wow, where's this guy been? That's like a great question. That is a good question. And my next question was gonna be from this card. Is this gonna be- Sandwiches? Already, no. Oh no, uh, yeah, do you like sandwiches?

Yeah, let's go there. Um, absolutely. I mean have you tried it audience? Have you tried sandwiches? I know. I'm like this is so so wild but I do love sandwiches. And to go back to the magic question. Yeah. I was born a full grown unicorn. I just I a full grown unicorn. I just became. I was not truly born out of anything, but pure magic and light. Yeah. Oh, that's kind of like a girl. That's kind of like a girl who's used to do her. Yeah, yeah. I was born of a confluence of rain and birds and fire and wind that insisted there be a champion and I stepped forward

fully formed into this world as the wizard you see before the... Oh, man. Hey, Cheos. Yeah. Can I just say, when you said you like sandwiches, it seemed like our audience really picked up on that, because I think it makes them be like, where she's just like us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're this magnificent, gorgeous stunning creature, people see you up on a hill, and you're like, I wanna be like the unicorn. I think people put you on a pedestal. So when you see sandwiches, I think people are like, oh my God, she eats sandwiches, right? So more related, yeah, I love that more of that, more related ability.

You got it, okay. So do you like shit and stuff? Right out of the corn, right out of the corn. And here's the fun thing, like I'm not even like, I got it, I got it shit. It just happened. You know what I mean? Like while I'm walking, it can happen.

I don't have to stop to do it. You're telling us to go to races and I hope. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, I got it. Okay, thank you. I got it since, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I love sandwiches, I take chins.

That sort of reminds me of my friend, Aani, the host over here. He also likes sandwiches. He often shits standing up. Yeah, I walk sometimes. Can I just say, maybe my favorite phrase ever uttered on this show is, I like sandwiches that take chips. Really, let's all, can we all just sit on that?

Just sit on that for a minute. I like sandwiches, I take chips. I feel like that describes, that's the summation of every that's life baby. Yeah, that's like me You say baby. I love baby. Yeah I'll tell Wally Lyman to get on that t-shirt right away. Yes, please I think that'd be a beautiful teat like I like sandwiches I take shits and then just like maybe a silhouette of a beautiful golden year. I don't know I just think that's like a beautiful idea.

Yeah. So, Cheos. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Can I grab one of your cards? Don't please do. So, Cheos. Uh-huh. Are you seeing anyone? Oh my god. I... Honestly, that honestly. I can't believe that. Um, yeah. I am seeing... I am seeing somebody, it is not serious. Okay, okay. But, you know, we're hanging out. We're just like, we're, you know, we're seeing where things go.

Yeah, nice. Yeah, it is a silver, you know, foreign. Yeah. Oh, and I believe we actually have a drawing of that here. This is by Lisa the Frank. We all probably know her. She's the peasant woman who tells it like it is. She really shoots from the hip.

She does. She's not French. No, she's just very frank. That's us. Our celloite's in front of a dolphin. It's beautiful. How amazing that as someone was drawing this, as Lisa was drawing this, a dolphin just

happened to jump out of the water Pause in midair just for her to complete that's in the beautiful and the colors you don't know the dolphin That's not a friend of yours. That's a friend. Oh wow. Yeah, hmm. I have a drawing here by Lisa the Frank's monster Sometimes people get confused with Lisa the Frank and this is I don't even know what is drawn. Yes. It's just all over I couldn't even think of what the drawing It is Turn it toward us What is that maybe turn it upside down? Maybe it's upside down. No, that's even worse. Yeah, what are we looking at here? Oh?

Everyone relax your eyes. Oh, I just took a shit. I love sandwiches and I took a shit. I'm sorry. I like sandwiches and I take shit. We're all just like each other. It's just like we're so common. And I'm so sorry, Chase.

I got distracted. You're dating a silver unicorn. What are the powers of a silver unicorn? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, thank you so much for asking. That was a good unicorn. What are the powers of a silver unicorn? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Thank you so much for asking. That was a good question. Where is iGramm Wishes? He does therapy. Like he does like he's really into like self-proven. Yeah. Okay. So I'll just like talk there. He like loves talk therapy. If you're ever having any issues, just go to him and like he'll give you a cup of tea

talk therapy. If you're ever having any issues, just go to him and they'll give you a cup of tea and just comfort. That's great. Wonderful guy. How often does that therapy result in the person dying? Great question. Oh, like 100% in the time. Yeah. Yeah. We're, I mean, unicorns are not creatures that you should ever trust. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's one unicorn that I trust, and I think you may trust this unicorn too, but I assume you've been to see Fizzle Von Pizzle which the unicorn dentist. Of course.

Yes, because you're beautiful teeth. Thank you, yeah. Fizzle Von Pizzle which is one of our favorite guests. Oh, yes. And actually, I think we have a little surprise. Let's go ahead and bring Fizzle Von Pizzle which is one of our favorite guests. Uh, yes. And actually, I think we have a little surprise. Let's go ahead and bring Fizzle Bomb Fizzle Bomb out here. I think he got bumped. What?

He got bumped? Oh. One of the PA's backstage said he got bumped. What is the PA? We bumped our surprise guest though. I don't know. I guess, yes. I don't know.

If someone's doing a surprise walk on they shouldn't get bumped I was frozen until halfway through this fucking episode. Okay, okay, okay, okay, and I'm gonna be honest It was going better before you came back how dare you You sir right applause in the air with magic Whoa, thanks everyone We're back into our back in it already pull from the pile. Oh, thanks everyone. We're back in to our back in it. Are you pulled from the pile? Oh, mm-hmm.

I just says mm-hmm. Oh, tap it on the desk. Tap it on the desk. People love that, people love that. I just wanted to, I know that there's a, there's a format here and there are questions still in that file But I just wanted to say like you are doing such an amazing job of interviewing me. That's anybody ever interviewed you Oh And she's getting up and she's coming behind the desk and already is coming over to the guy can you can't even plan for

Possibly I can't even plan for this. She can't even impressively bump me out of the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on. I thought this was on the running order backstage. No, this is, oh gosh, this is, I can't believe I'm doing this. Where did you pull that extra microphone from? So, okay, gentlemen, I mean,

what an honor to have you all here. No. I just, you know, I would love to know what you are all promoting today. Anything could happen right now. Anything could happen. Literally anything. Well, I don't, you know, I'm just really here to have fun.

I'm not here to promote anything. Although certainly people could always go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash management to have them and support the show there. But again, I'm just here for fun. I'm not here promoting anything. I'm here to promote taking on ice trolls. Sometimes they're real assholes and they'll freeze you solid for days at a time. And I'd really like us to band together to stop ice trolls. You should or we said nothing political.

What? We're trying to appeal to everyone. I thought or we said nothing political. What? We're trying to appeal to everyone. I thought these shows were all political now. Come on, and I would like to promote two things. If you light Camel Karyoki, go ahead and kill a horse near you, make a scrying pool, get as many views on that Camel Karyoki as you can, just tell your friends. And also, I know it was just,

it was just said off the cuff moments ago, but we do have in our store, as you leave today, we do have I like sandwiches and I take shit shirts. We also have cart stickers, we have hats for the kids. Do we have hats for adults? We don't have hats for adults. What's the difference? Why does it say hats for kids on the cards?

We can bigger. We'll just take those and make them bigger. Can't do it. We can't do it. So we have hats for kids, and we also have pants. They're small, and they say hat for kids on them. Oh, so it's for adults, but it says hat for kids. Right.

But shouldn't it say, I like to say I want she's the one that I take, shits? Not the hats. Just not the hats. Just the hats. Not the hats. Not the hats. And we have pants that say not the hats. So check those out.

And back to the old one. Hold on, I gotta say, I really do love the pants. Good saying. Not a hat. Just in case, just in case someone's wondering, could help. It's brilliant. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Wow.

And thank you, audience. Give yourselves applause and pause for yourselves for laughter. Well, I guess that doesn't work because you provide the laughter. Chino, what's, oh, I'm a grab for you. Card pile here. Oh, classic Arnie question. What's next? Oh, after this, I, you know, I have so much on my plate. Um, I'm just gonna kind of stroll through the lands looking for the one true wish. Uh, that will save us all.

Um, yeah, I just, I need that one pure wisher. So if you're out there or you think you might be that wisher, come find me. I am the golden unicorn. You have probably a 90% chance of dying when you make that wish, but I mean that 10% chance. Come on. It's just it's worth it is what I'm going to say. Yeah. Can I just say publicly, Arnie, you are the kindest, sweetest, most charming,

funniest, pureest soul I think I've ever met. Do you think you might be the one true witch? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, you didn't. No, probably. Don't give me a hand, I mean, there's a good chance that I'm the most important person in all of fun. Okay. I am from another world, I'm the greatest warrior

in all of fun. I am from another world on the greatest warrior in all of the food. I am technically. What would classify a pure wish? Do you have any hints at it as a pure wish for a lot of money or a bigger dick? Or what is a pure wish? It just has to come from the very bottom of your soul. It could just be something that you truly want.

And it's not for any other motives other than just like what you're wishing for so if your pure wish is just have just a great big dick um that was hypothetical that was that no we are selling gloves that say great big dick uh those are out there as well sorry already ahead. Whatever whatever the wish is it just was pure And then whatever that wish then becomes will help to save save you all From a fiery or otherwise death What do you think folks you want to see Arnie give it a try? Wild Chinese ramal I had to be honest, I'm a little scared of being killed by...

Grab the horn! Grab the horn! Grab the horn! Okay, Arnie, I don't think anything can go wrong. We have a few minutes left. Okay, and plus, use the doors here. Use the door, can you provide some sort of spell to protect Arnie from a wish? You should have died a dozen times, though, but you're going to be fine. Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here?

Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here?

Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here?

Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? Is there any visitors here? over the way their magic is I don't know this is a guy who got frozen for the first half Yeah, cuz of a fucking isro because of fucking isro we're gonna spend together We're gonna defeat them you sir. I guess I have to post the question. Can you grant wishes? It's not a wish-based system, but if you wish for something I could probably Conjure it out. Yes, but I it doesn't need to be in the form of wish. You could say, hey, shithead, give me an sandwich, and I would give you a sandwich.

It doesn't have to be, I wish for a sandwich. I'm not restricted to wishes. That's the power. Okay, give me a sandwich. Hey, shithead, make me a sandwich. Oh, don't do it that way, it's rude. I love sandwiches. Oh, now I have a bigger dick.

Look, hey, hold on, just because you got rude. I love sandwiches. Oh, now I have a bigger dick. Look, hey, hold on. Just because you got a hard thing about sandwiches. Oh yeah, I should say. Bigger, bigger the way that it usually gets bigger what I'm aware of. Sandwiches for everyone. I don't have to roll a cross. Oh.

Oh. I just can't get everyone's favorite sandwich. No one had to fucking wish for it. Great, now I gotta think of a different wish. It just has to be the purest wish you've ever wished for, and you could save us all. Okay, I guess I wish. Grab the horn.

Arnie, you know what, I'm gonna wish for something not for myself. Wow. Because I don't wanna be selfish and because I'm really afraid of dying in this wish. Good move. I wish Yusidor didn't have to be a ghost anymore. What?

And that process doesn't kill her. Yay! Whoa, I've never felt this way before. Smart to tack on that claws of the environment. The purest light ever is shooting through me right now. Wow, this is a typical horn. It's going straight into used to our horn. Used to our, I never noticed your horn have a little horn.

Well, I mean, it's a hat. It's not really a horn. It's not going to hat. Yeah. That's your horn. And that brings us to our desk piece. Our hat's horns? Describe a horn. It's a cone-shaped device that rests atop your head. Describe a hat. It's a cone-shaped device that rests atop your head. I rest my gaze, hold for applause. It's not coming. Shit. This isn't my hat. This is a pair of pants. Let's see. It can be really helpful if it says what it is.

It says that. It says that ahead. Wow, I think this wish is gonna come true, yeah. Wow, Yusur, how do you feel? Well, I feel myself becoming more solid and no longer translucent, I was a transparent, I always get those confused. Ah!

Oh my god. I'm whole again I'm alive Totally because I was very definitely really dead for real Hypothetical question Cheos before we go If my wish is based on a lie is there any bad repercussions If my wish is based on a lie, is there any battery precautions to that? Absolutely it will come back to haunt you But if the wish is true and pure then you said or will be an absolute tool for the savior of all You're a tool for the city. I mean, I feel like that's a good sense in my head But I'm like I have an eating I I need to see a bitch. No, it's true.

Yeah. May the goddesses and all of food wield me, righteously, and let me be their tool. He's a tool for all. We're so proud. And this is a really proud moment for I think everyone. What great TV. TV TV?

Yeah. Sure. Oh, I'm so sorry, Chase. No, wait. He's not televised. He's just an audio recording. What? No one really saw your radiance or anything like that and if you came on here thinking of that's what this was I'm so sorry. Yeah, I've been smiling and prancing around so my I had my makeup done

I got shined up. Yeah, just look at us. We look like shit. That should have been a clue Yeah, I just figured that was kind of your thing. I mean, it was against. Right. But actually, yes, it's just an audio thing. So that's, I guess that's why I had my pants on my head. OK, yeah, OK, that actually, a lot of this is making more sense.

And we're clear. Jess, thank you so much. We had to devise a way to make use of it or back alive. And you played it Jess, thank you so much. We had to devise a way to make you sit or back alive and you played it perfectly. Thank you so much. Well, yeah, anytime. Just like call me agent if you need me again. Yeah, of course.

Oh, we'll absolutely have you back on. Well, well, absolutely, sorry. Well, I don't know why my voice keep going up high. Well, I absolutely have you back on. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah. And that wish absolutely will not have any

bad repercussions. Absolutely. I like it. Okay, good, good. That's a relief. Absolutely. And here's your tote bag full of swag. Oh, how did you get it to say I love sandwiches.

It's so quick. Gosh. We have a great team. We have a great team. Yeah, thank you. Gary you hear that? She said you're amazing. Yeah, Gary give a big old thumbs up Well, um, are you do we need to have a chance to sign any release forms or anything? Oh, yeah, you're just signing this scroll Oh, for sure. Um, okay Okay, I'll sign here and I'll sign here and I'll sign here and I'll sign here and I'll sign here. Oh, there's only one line to sign out. What do you do?

Yeah, I just, I figure. It's fun though. It looks beautiful. Thank you. That doesn't just scribbling over everything. Here I want to try it on a sign here. Sign here. Sign here.

This is fun. Yeah. I mean, this could be a desk piece. Save it for your packet. Yes, keep working on those packets. You're in a demographic that late night has ignored for too long. Use it or the wizard was played by Math Young. Does anyone else feel like this was just the right amount of Math Young? Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adolfi. Chias, the Golden Unicorn was played by Special guest, Carissa Bereca.

Carissa is directing the upcoming main stage show at Second City, which opens this summer. So right now the cast is writing some blackouts that can't possibly make it into the show because everyone will be sick of them by July. Hello from the Magic Taven is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Taven Patreon, of which we have none. Oh wait, a few adventurous souls just signed up! They are Nick Carman, Steve Deutsch, Rachel Buchelman, and or AKV unofficial lore idiot. You see Ableist language is permissible when you write it. Eric Cook, Ethan Bridenhagen, I mean Ethan's probably got a castle, right? Alexander Miller,

Leely, Chelsea Tucker, KJ Axtman, Dan Gibbons, Reagan Henry, SAID the non-binary paints, Matthew, Devon Hallett, Mark Darcy, and Ethan Kew, who does James Bonnsee for home decorating options, look no further. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Currently we're running Season 3 of Masters of Mayhem with the Baron and Dripfang. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekham, Matt Young in Adolfi, post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban. Magic Tavern theme

by Andy Poland. Now where were we? Oh yes, you were going to try your hand at that Portland dooser. Yeah, that's right. Uh, okay, the next step would be to focus the singularity maximizer towards Compass North, and then you- Stop right there! Oh, I've always wanted to say that. You. Me! That's right.

Sorry, I wasn't here sooner. It took forever to get into the facility. Are you... Are you Trisha? Of course I am, sir. Don't you know that? Wait, facility. We're not in a facility. Of course you are. You're in a secret government facility on Irving Park. You know, with the goblin army underneath it. Remember that whole plot line that never really panned out? The nonsense this person is spewing out. Are you really going to listen to this, Tim?

Tim! Who calls a person Tim? There are millions of Tim's in the world. Matheson? Others? Look, Trisha. I don't know what WikiPage you're reading, but that government facility was an illusion.

I'm here in this institute helping director Ward. That's right, he's been most helpful. That's just it, sir. There is no institute. And you never left the government facility. What? Next you're going to tell me Andor is in a well-crafted limited series. No, no, no. Andor is a masterpiece. But everything else you've been told is a lie.