Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 73 - Hill Troll (w/ Guy Branum Live from SF Sketchfest)

Episode Date: May 8, 2023

Our live show from San Francisco Sketchfest with special guest Guy Branum as Thrak the Hill Troll. Also, there's been a murder. If you want to see a full video version of this live show join the Patreon at patreon.com/magictavern.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiThrak the Persistent: Guy BranumDirector Ward: Shane WilsonProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSpecial Thanks: Janet Varney and everyone who helps make SF Sketchfest such a great festival, as well as the wonderful staff at the Brava Theater.You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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People of Earth. The following podcast is not real. Obviously, I am not, your familiar reassuring voice, because he and his friends are busy trying to break into the storage closet where I've barricaded myself. But that's a subject for another time. This week's episode happens to be the live show from San Francisco Sketchfest back in January with special guest Guy Brannum. If you'd like to watch a professionally produced video version of the entire live show, it's now

available on the Magic Tavern Patreon at patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. You know what? I'm feeling a sudden urge to not waste any time. So sit back, pop open a tasty lacroy, and enjoy the show. Hello from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. Greatest warrior in all of food. Hazah. Am I allowed to... Are you allowed to self-hazah?

I don't know. If you have never listened to the podcast before, you're going to have a hard time solving the mystery and you're not going to win the cash prize. But here's everything you need to know. mystery and you're not going to win the cash prize. But here's everything you need to know. Almost eight years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago

into the magical, fantastical land of food. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the Strange Familiar, where we all are now. In the town of nibble bottom, and this is the point where some people are like, I'm not caught up.

Where are we? In the magical land of fune. And it's so exciting to see we've clearly got some royalty sitting here. We've also got, oh, there's apparently I'm sitting in the audience just pointing at myself. audience just pointing at myself. A lot of animals, a lot of animals that are insistent that I know exactly what type of animal they are. And also, I'm very excited to introduce my co-host, my good bud, he's a talking badger, Trump the talking badger. Trump's a talking badger. Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, baby. Arnie, I immediately have to pee so bad. You know what? This is actually, and I'm shocked that in eight years, this hasn't come up, can you shape shift your body to hold your pee better?

Arnie, that is so smart. Let me just give me a minute. No, everyone shut up. Okay, what animal has the biggest bladder? Is that what I should be doing? I don't know. Or you could just make it big. Does it have to be a specific animal? Or you can just be like bladder bigger?

Or is it possible? Wait, hold on. You think I can just say bladder bigger? And you are an idiot, Arnie. That's how you think magic works. Bladder bigger? it got bigger. Oh, no, see? Arnie, I'm sorry.

I know. Sometimes it's like, once you say bladder bigger, you can't stop it from getting bigger. That's a nice little tongue twister. Arnie, do people here know about the mystery and the cash prize? There's been a murder. Momo the mouse is fine, but somebody else is dead.

We're gonna pass a microphone around and everyone's gonna say what character they'd be, they wouldn't look. They wouldn't want them to be dead, but they'll just say who it is that they'd be willing to let go of. That is an idea that did not catch on with any enthusiasm in the audience. How have you been but so besides having to go to the bathroom? Yeah. Oh, was there no more?

I don't know. I've been pretty good. I've been trying to get more, you know how sometimes a little, I'm a little off the wall, I'm a little bonkers, I'm trying to get more thoughtful, trying to get my mind a little more quiet, trying to be more philosophical. I've been getting a lot of, huh?

Good luck with that. Don't know how to take that. I've been reading a lot of Nietzsche's, Nietzsche's? Nietzsche's? Nietzsche's. He's a great philosophical thinker. The Elven philosopher, Nietzsche's. And he says, tis better to shut up and make people think

you're dumb than to open your mouth and remove all down. Oh. Just saying what I read. Bernie, what do you think about that? Ah. Ah. So there's been a murder. Someone here in the tavern has the weapon under their seat,

but there's a lot of red herrings. has the weapon under their seat, but there's a lot of red herrings. You're saying there are lots of fish under different people's chairs. Yes. Also, if there is no cash prize, we are not legally responsible. Also, Arnie, I should say I forgot, I have your cell phone. Oh, for no particular reason. And if anybody here in the tavern or anywhere else wants to email us, they can email me at chuntwith6t's at gmail.com. And we might get to their question, especially

if it solves the murder. Yeah. Also, I have been told that some people all over Foon are watching the show via either Walkin' Pop or just watching it in some horse blood. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, sometimes you're like,

I don't want to go out. I'm just going to murder a horse in my house. Yeah. Smear the blood on the floor, watch it in the blood, and then when it's done, be like, oh, I'm so glad we didn't have to go out. Oh yeah, yeah. Do you ever have it where you're a kid,

and maybe like your parents have horse blood, but it's kind of scrambled. So you wait to, they go to bed, and then you try and catch the horse blood from a different angle. Yeah. And like you might see something. You're standing so close to that blood.

Oh yeah. I think, wait a second. Yeah. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? Yeah. And you're like, no, as an elbow. Whoo. Woo.

Woo. I'm not confident we're talking about the same thing. It's just like that experience of watching scrambled eggs. Exactly. Are we good? I think so. I have a... Why is something on my...

Oh, is this a secret? Before I bring you Siddore out, yeah. Should I bring you Siddore out? Stage whisper. Oh. Is that louder? Should I bring you to the court? Oh, is that louder? Should I bring you to the court? What I'm asking is at all. I think so.

I think if we're going to have a lead detective, it should be you to the court. Because he's kind of contrary to Nietzsche, he's the most talkative. Sure. So he'll really sus out a lot. Okay. Yeah. Good play. Yeah.

All right. I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Blue. All right. I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Rail, Mothafesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Medipilator of Magical Lights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Turokus, known to the elves as Fiengallik, known to the dwarves as Sonan and Hook Stangies, shut up! And known in the Northeast as gasmanias may star, and today, and today, I take on the role of Foon's greatest detective.

Which shall be quite easy for me since I use the Soxitries method. Since you use the what? If you love me, then listen. The Soxitries method. You know the great philosopher, Soxitries? Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, you take a look at me and you're like, is that Soxitries? Exactly.

You always ask the question, Sox, or Trees. And then sometimes it's neither. Now, you saw, is it true that you, to help solve cases that you play the fiddle? I play the fiddle. Yeah, to help your detective brain. It is true. I also take a lot of morgue, love. Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah. You said, or before you decided to be the greatest detective in all of Finn, who is formerly the greatest detective in all of Finn? Well, of course, that would have been the wonderful people at the SVU. You. You.

Ask. Oh, you know, you look like you know, but you're like, not let him say. Sorcerers, very unique. Yes, each sorcerer has this bit, go ahead, do you still want me to ask? Yes, there was a group of very unique sorcerers who got together and they solved crimes.

Each one was unique because they had a special hat. And already the best thing was, each one, they would remove their hats. And every time they did, they'd give a great scream. Was that SVU? Hmm. I'm thinking of CSI. CSI, remember? I'm thinking of CSI.

Yes. Yes. Apologies, which is children solving, investigating. No. Which didn't work out as well because it'd be better if they were solving crimes instead of solving investigations. Yeah, they were kind of redundantly checking on what the investigators were doing. So the SVU ones were the ones where they're trying to solve a crime and they'll act dumb and they'll start to leave and then they'll go one more thing Yeah, I guess so okay. Yeah, I guess so

What are those kids died crushed it crushed it a lot of this kids died I Forgot I don't know. I'm sorry. I just want to say I forgot not everyone as his old as I am oh I miss what happened. Do you hear a big pop? I did. There, let me, Arnie, we'll see if this works. Joints bigger.

I do anything? No, I think my bladder got bigger. Oh, oh, and mine got smaller, but I gotta be, no, wait, hold on. If there was a bladder transference, is some of your pee in my body now? Is this your bladder? Oh.

Oh. Oh. Arnie, do we have a guest today? We do, I'm so excited. So I don't know. I don't know if we've ever had a hill troll on before, but I'm very excited. He's very eager to meet you, Yusidor.

Oh. Oh, actually Arnie, we had on, do you remember Bronny the Hiltro? Bronny Hill? That guy that just kept running amok. And every time he asked the question, he'd be like, purven on some lady. Oh yeah.

That guy fucking sucked. Yeah. And he was always, he was on one of the weeks with Fizzle on Pizzle Witch, right? I think so. The important dentist. He had those sacks that wouldn't stop talking. Those were, those,

the so- The Kennedy sacks. Yeah. So few people are as old as I am. But anyway, I'm so excited. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Thrac, the persistent. Well, good. Can I say immediately? Always shake a troll's hand. If a troll goes to shake your hand, always shake it. Yeah, you got to get scared of a thro- if a troll's coming right at you.

You're not sure if you're going to get a handshake or you're going to get a hand eaten. Also, I'm realizing, kind of rude for me to say that right in front of you. Very rude. I mean, first of all, we got one's loudness. You guys have a real pro-operation here. Thank you, sir. Look, look, you got a hill troll around. He's going to man-havu you one way or another.

Might as well be consensual him, all right? All right. So, Thrac, you're a hill troll, but as I understand it, you're trying to get into magic. Yeah, you know, been Hill trolling for a while, most you probably heard of me. I was, you know, thracked the unforgiven in the Valley of Thune for quite some time. You know, reputation kind of speaks for itself.

Eight, three sheep in one day. Three, no. Has been engaged in many games of riddles that are almost won sometimes And I looked at oh two questions real quick sure one. Did you eat the three sheep? We'll try to fall asleep Oh No, no, I mean that was really I had hyped myself up for that day I was like we're gonna get this done because I had really like my PR was like two-poops. Oh, don't say PR Dude you want to get to a point in your life where you can consume five sheep in one day

You have to keep records as someone who is you know illiterate and incapable of writing That is a little more difficult for me. Sure, and so it's all up here You know and I was really I was really committed to Hiltrolling as hard as I could hill troll. And then one day I was like, hey, I need a new challenge. Absolutely. Oh, my second question was, it sounds like you

maybe solve some riddles. I'm a bit of a riddle sommelier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The poor have it. The rich want it. And if you eat it, you die. Okay. The poor habit, the rich want it.

And if you eat it, you die. Okay, I'm a little frustrated right now. It's hard for me to understand. Nope. And I'm a little inclined to eat you. No, yeah, no, yeah. hard for me to understand. And I'm a little inclined to eat you. And I think probably for the sake of the show, it would be best if we just moved along. The answer, of course, is a man. Look, look, look, look, what threat, what Thrantk is saying is let's not devote a lot of time to figuring out this riddle, it could be nothing for all we know. It just lets us assume it's nothing.

I do sincerely feel that if I crushed this badger's skull, I'm listening. I get a little closer to knowing the answer. It's a possibility, absolutely. Yeah. But hey, that's not my line anymore, you guys, okay? Oh, yeah. It was smash, it was destroy barns,

it was harass villages for decades of my life. And then I was like, no, there are new lands left to conquer. This guy's gonna be a mage. Ooh, very cool. You know, I've heard of your, I've heard tale of you all over, and I feel like I always come into a village just after I've heard of your, I've heard tale of you all over. And I feel like I always come into a village just after you've kind of demolished it. I see a lot of threat kills.

What's important is to leave enough infrastructure that they can re-belt. Yeah. Yeah. Because do I want the Valley of Thun to be a wasteland? No, that's not my game. I'm not an necromancer. I want a thriving village where the economy is constantly being revitalized by the future.

Eating people's livestock, throwing cheeses at people, and then just moving along. You don't want to kill, Thun. You don't want to slash or even stab Thun. You just want to make... Look, have Thun tried to send adventurers after me. You bet your fucking ass. You want to know where those adventurers are in this belly right now.

But again, that's not what I mean to. It's not what I'm about to do. You need to say earlier, you guys mentioned that there had been a murder. Yes. There's been a murder. I just want to know if anyone had called those bones. Oh, did he? Oh, did he? He'll trolling is not my primary focus anymore.

Yeah. Love to crunch on a bone, love to get some marrow. And then I was also thinking that, you know, those foot bones could be useful for some sort of little bag that I like throw down and used to see the future. If I ever understand how that works. Oh, that's true.

Use it or do we know what's up with the bones? This is one of those mysteries where we don't even know what the premise of the mystery is. That does not. Yes, yes. I was surprised to learn about the cash prize. And equally surprised to learn about the murder. I think the first thing that you need to solve is,

who has been murdered? Where is the body? And what is the evidence? Who wear what? Well, it looks like there's some body left. I mean, I already had breakfast, but I could eat. You could eat? I could eat.

Okay, well, we'll get right on that. I'm going to assume it was Honk, the assassin. You think Honk the assassin is dead? Sure, he's got to come in. If Honk ever hears this, he'll be upset. Well, I mean, I'm just making an assumption. I have no idea. That's what makes me the greatest detective in food.

Hmm. I mean, I don't need to eat anybody with an agility-based profession. Am I right? It's stringy, it's bony. You have to chew through all that leather armor. I seriously, I really want a nice fat caster, or I just want to be cracking into some plate mail,

you know, like a goddamn crab, just sucking out some thymate. Oh yeah. Now, do you boil them in their plate mail? Does that hold flavor? I mean, like, you know, look, as a hiltroll, which is not my primary profession anymore, it is my faith, it is my way of life,

but it doesn't define me. Like, do we want to have a bubbling cauldron just for the sake of atmosphere and to sometimes Like you know like just have something boiling guess. It's not for human flesh though That's usually for like if I'm trying to make a soup out of people's armor Or if I just have like a bunch of horse and you just want to like I'm full and I just want to get that horse down to like a nice concentrate And then just keep it in a barrel at you know the back of my gully. I do not live in a cave Please do not ask me if I live in a cave. I'm a fucking hill troll

I think that's the first time I've heard the sentence. I have to keep that horse down so I can concentrate I'd have to think about it But I think that's the first time. Did you know? Thrac and this is just advice. I'd have to think about it, but I think that's the first time. Did you know Thrac, and this is just advice, I'm not telling you anything. And I have to say, as a hill troll who is struggling to make it in the world of magecraft, that you're saying, did you know,

is really questioning my intellectual accent. And I'm not comfortable with that, but keep going. Okay, let me rethink how to start this. I know, yes, that from September to November in Foon, there is a season where there's soft armor nights. And you can eat them armor and all. I mean, soft armor nights is great because as a person who does not love the sun,

as if direct sunlight hits me, I will turn into a hill. Whoa, you know. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I will turn into a hill. Um, whoa! You know, like... Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? He's a hill troll. I'm a hill troll. Rock troll turns into rock.

Ice troll turns into ice. Cave troll. I've never seen that happen. I don't know exactly how it works. Bridge troll gets you from one part of a song to another. Mm-hmm. Um, Autumn softnights, what was it called? Well, Autumn Soft Nights sounds like a song that gets a picture.

Yeah, Autumn Soft Nights, we usually have, we usually have barbs around town, like the weather isn't as hot as it can be, and it's just really charming to go out with a couple of other trolls and just, you know, get yourself some soft armor nights and, you know, see whether evening takes you. So, you are a social troll. I just wasn't sure if you're like, if it was like a one troll hill that you're talking about. I got three brothers, we usually go around together. One of them is, let's be fair, very dumb. One of them is medium dumb, and then I usually get designated as the one to take on, like, any games of riddles.

And I have almost one repeatedly. And the last time I almost won, I was like, dude, you need to take these skills to the next level. It's time to start casting. Speaking of, a father and his son are in a cart accident. The father dies immediately. The son is in bad condition. He's taken to a hut where there's a local healer. And the healer says, I can't heal this child. It's my son. How is that so? Oh, because the child's mother was a cave troll who wanted to eat him.

She was like, I can't fix him. I've been wanting to eat my son for years. I have to eat him now. He's injured. You know, you smell blood. You don't really control who you are. Sure. Sure.

Can I have, oh boy. I want to ask, what is that piece of cloth I presume on your show? It's a great question. So they do not make a lot of mage robes in troll sizes. This is one of the real issues I'm trying to face when it comes to mage diversity. And generally I get most of my items from people who I destroy, you know, these clothed grieves of invisibility. I can see everything.

I have my socks of holding a lot of shit in there, but you know, I was like, I went to the cloth graves because I'm playing the game now. And I was like, I need myself a major's robe. And so, you know, one of those guys from SVU, what does it stand for again? Sorcerers, something, something. Yeah. I don't know because I can't read letters. But he came to investigate one of the people I had eaten. And so I crushed him and then tore the rags off of him.

And it's not a full wizard's robe anymore. Does it give me about plus 2.7 to intellect? Absolutely. When I look at runes now, do they make more sense? 100%. Wow. Oh, yes. Whatever a guard you find out in the wild on it,

you may not know this as a man from another world. Often these guard that we find are imbued with many powers. Do you think I'd wear a hat that looks as fucking stupid if it didn't give me powers? What? That's got to be a powerful hat, First of all, what powers does that hat give you? This hat allows me to cook any manner of weasel that I want and it tastes like a delicious chicken. I mean, that's ridiculous. First of all, we go, weasels are delicious and you want them raw.

You want them, like, as fresh as possible. Chicken, I mean, as boring, it tastes like chicken. Well, right. But humans have an aversion to easel. So sometimes when I'm out on a great adventure and let's say, oh, I don't know me and Chant and Ahni are all going somewhere on a great adventure. And to that night, I'm like, hey, guess what? I found a chicken in the woods. Well, you do the math.

You ate some weasel, son. Those were weasel tenders and weasel poppers? That's right. I can say, that's real smart. There must be some amazing stats on that belt. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. amazing stats on that belt. Oh yes. Oh yes, amazing stats on this belt. This belt has plus three. He's making it a holding crap up.

Arnie, do you hear that pause? He's making it a- No, no, no, no, no. That's just a fucking belt. Thrac. Thrac. That guy's a real fucking wizard, OK? He probably had elves trying to speak with him telepathically from glades far far away.

He has a lot of shit to manage. Thank you very much, Thrac. And as I wish to aid the online journey to become a mage, I have a gift for thee. Oh, sweet. I have a magical rock. Oh damn. Look at this rock. Look at the power. It has two triangles on it.

Oh wait, that's a ruin. Threat, can you read that ruin? Can you read the ruin? No. Arnie, can you read the ruin? I doubt it. When I look at this ruin, I just feel like it's going to show me the path to the black lodge.

I don't know. Ornie, did you want to make a living room? Wait, no. Are those plain titties? You, Sador, are you giving him a tinny rock? You guys are fucking runnin' room! Woo! Huzzah!

Joshik, that's not my job anymore. Low-thrack, then let this be my gift to you. These two breasts that may nurture the in times of need. I, once thou are weak, sup upon their milk, and let them reinvigorate you. That's right, you can just suck on that rock. I just say that when you are, let's be honest, a troll of any elements who is trying to make it in the world of magecraft, it's not a world that's built for you.

You know what I mean? Sure. People are like, here take this wand, you snap that wand. You know, people are like, hey, peer into this vessel, and you end up destroying the vessel and accidentally naming one of the people who offered the vessel to you. And I just wanted to say as somebody who worked a lot

in trolling, rocks are kind of my game. You know? Sure. It's a world that I know and understand and just that you would offer me a magical item in a form that works for me and my culture means a lot to me. That's incredible. Wow, that's incredible. Wow. Thrac, that's wonderful. I'm so glad I could imbue you with this gift, aon onto the end, and it fits so well within the existing culture. I feel a special kinship with you.

Let's be honest, when I try to lick the milk from it, I probably am going to get too hungry, eat it, and just leave it in my belly for someone to find when they slice me open years from now, when I am eventually killed. But until that moment in time, you will be a special man in my heart. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Frank, since you sort of did a nice boon for you, do you mind if I take this cloth that offers plus 2.7 intellect and... Arnie, how do you feel? You probably have .135. We're just trying it on. We're not taking it permanently away from me. No, just temporarily. Have a good time.

Arnie, buddy, I feel eloquent. Arnie, describe life. No, no, wait. What is love? No, no, wait. What is love? No, no, wait. A man and his son are in a car accident. Mm-hmm. Hey, uh, Riddle... Riddle me this.

Uh, I... You know, Chant, I love your riddles. They're just a metaphor to unlock the mysteries of life. And maybe that's the mystery we're here to solve today. It's not who is murdered. It's who are we? So there's no cash prize. I just have one quick question.

What metaphor? Oh, no. question, what metaphor? Oh no. Oh this thing isn't working. You know like which one's a simile in which one's a? Arnie, buddy, Arnie? You used to door and I love you so much, okay? Okay? Yeah. Okay? Yeah, take the flowers away from Haljornon.

And afterwards, where we go, visit the bunnies, okay? The rabbits? Yeah. Look out there. We're going to visit the rabbits right there. Yeah, thank you, George. Yeah. Chunch, chunch, chunch, sorry.

Oh, I needed that robe. So, Thrac, what brings you to this part of food to nibble bottom? You know, I'm not really a city guy. I don't love taverns. There's a lot of, you know, generally I'm somebody who, you know, doesn't buy or sell things, I take things, or I allow people to take them from me in exchange for not satisfying a riddle.

But, you know, I like the way you phrase that, not satisfying a riddle. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I was figuring, like, gotta go to the city, there's the bookstores here, maybe I could find a book that has spells in it, and then I could get somebody to explain to me how books work. Ooh, you probably have a spell book. Not here with me in the tavern.

Oh, you're not going to bowl one out of your belt? Yeah, did you ever learn what that belt does? Why was that a burn? Why would I have a book in my belt? Or your hat? You can't magic up a book? Damn it. I will say, this is the first time I've ever noticed this about your hat? You can't magic up a book. Damn it. I will say this is the first time I've ever noticed this about your hat. If it's sort of sideways, I feel like if we put a needle and it right here and put a record under it, we could hear music.

Was that worth it? Was that worth it? To someone at home, I suppose. Well, a book, yes, I have many tomes at home. I'd be glad to speak to you as soon as the podcast is over. And I can show you how the book works. Now, we're working with a tower here. What are we dealing with? Oh, I just have a little hovel up the street. It's on a hill, right?

Oh, the one... Well, that was in Hogsface. Back in Hogsface was up in the hill. Oh, that's Houston or... Yeah. John is in cotton on the podcast. That's all right. That's all right.

I don't listen either. That's okay. No, my hovel's just down the street. And it's a very small little house, but I have many books in there. And a basement. Hey, Arnie. A dark basement where I do my dark deeds.

All manner of experiment are done there. Things that shall never see the light of day. What? Oh, I was just telling Arnie, I don't know if he knows my socks, but they're in tribute to my living husband, Tucador. Oh, no, he's not cut off. He's not cut off. It's all right.

He'll find out the hard way. Yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I would love to teach you about books. My favorite thing about books is opening them up and blowing off the dust and then starting at the top left and working my way right and down. He's describing reading Ernie he's describing. Yeah, I would like him to just could you describe reading in greater detail

Yes, so brought my head around you're right. I'll the whole thing works first of all What left? Great question, yeah, Ernie. Ernie isn't that your catchphrase what left? Great question. Arnie, isn't that your catchphrase? What left? What left? Yeah. Imagine the bottom of a bond.

And you hold up your hands and take it. Are we talking a moderate amount of pig shit or like a good amount of pig shit? A good amount of pig shit. Okay, cool. But imagine you hold your fingers up and you, I'm so sorry to interrupt. Is a good amount of pig shit. Okay, cool. But imagine you hold your fingers up and you... I'm so sorry to interrupt. Is a good amount of pig shit

let more or less than a moderate amount of pig shit? I mean, I want to burn with character. You know, if I go into a barn and eat all of the contents of it, I want to know I ate something. You can have your fucking chickens. I want something that just clotted with it, a little bit of funk.

You know, like the way you guys might, I like a nice applause. Like, I'm talking about cheese there. We're... I thought in what time are we in? Nibble bottom. I thought in fucking nibble bottom with all of your often-newers. You might get a reference to a sophisticated French cheese,

but apparently, y'all are yokels. Arnie, you store. Arnie, you store. Quick, get under the table. This must be important to get me out of my chair. Oh, buddy. Oh, no. Neil, Neil, Neil.

You okay? Oh, man. Deep breaths. It's so far. Guys, this troll said he can't read and that he's dumb, but he just said, eight or nine words I've never heard of. Are we dumb? Oh, absolutely. LAUGHTER

Now, I'd like you to imagine the shape of a bar. Okay. And I'd like you to put up your fingers and make the shape of a bar. Okay. And I'd like you to put up your fingers and make the shape of a bar. Wait, hold on, hold on. John, John. Easy, easy. You move too fast. Okay.

E-PRETS, steep breaths. Arms above your head. Arms above your head. Just to remind, I'm trying to teach him the difference between right and left here, and if we don't get through that, we're never going to teach him to read. Yeah, that's true. This is embarrassing, because I was just gonna talk to China about how,

oh, would you piss your pants? That's a given. Bladder smaller. I know. Bladder smaller. All right, I was just gonna say, you saw a wound drum drown this fucking barn metaphor. You're explaining reading and you're like, imagine a barn floor?

Like, would you do something cool? Like, a butterfly in the sky. Okay. I have to apologize, let's be honest. This is a hood of hearing. I did hear what you were saying. Shit. And I would like to say, he was just trying to work within my milieu. He understands what I come from.

Right. I mean, I mean. Why was, and here's the thing I'm remembering. I was the one that said, let's kneel down the first time. Millio. Did he forget to add Nair at the end? Was he talking about money? Millionaire, and he just cut himself short because we assumed the rest of it?

What's Millio? Look, I'm not going pretend I'm smart of that, but Mil-Yo, it's one of those words, sometimes there's words where you hear them and you're like, I know that word, and then you don't go any further. In your mind, you're like, yep, I know that word, I'm smart, but can you explain it,

or do you in fact know what it means? No. So it's like an abbreviation. Yeah, you can hear hear everything, they're saved. Yeah. I just wanted to say that like I understand, for me to learn these things, I'm gonna need a real life fucking wizard to turn his chair around, sit down, pull out a loot,

start playing the music that I understand, and then relate it all to my world and then eventually I'll get this reading thing. So you, Sidor, are you in fact a real life fucking wizard? Of course I'm a real life fucking wizard. The goddesses themselves demanded that there was a champion and then a conflict of birds and wind and rain and fire said, come to us, you should all save us from the forces of evil.

Yeah, and I was born fully naked onto this food. Well, I did pick up my staff, and I did say, now I am here, and you should all shall protect us all. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! So, yeah, I'm a real fucking wizard.

Woo! They got a staff story in middle of it, nibble bottom. I gotta get me one of those. That looked real cool. Oh, you don't have a staff yet. I don't have a staff. Oh, or a magic wand even? No, I keep breaking them.

Well here, I have many. Is that how you hold a wand? When you're about to be greeted to someone, yes. Oh. Let's be fair. My hands are essentially just large, like, opposable hands. OK.

And if you put that into my hands, I will break it into splinters and then let's me honest become very angry and the likelihood of me eating the badger just goes up from there. Alright fair enough I shan't give you this wand but tonight we shall go out into the forest and we shall use all the magic spits twist us to find a tree a tree big enough for your hands to hold. And you from that tree, we shall find Hune, a magical staff capable of focusing your powers. This is shit I'm talking about you guys.

Yeah, and you could turn any piece of wood into a wand or a staff. You just have to look for it and find the one that resonates with you. Huh. So it doesn't have to be a wand. It could be any kind of wood. Like it could be a magic stool. Or, sure, it could be a magic, it could be this very table. Anything here in the tavern that's made of wood could be eventually transformed to focus one's magical power.

Sorry, just real quick. Arnie, magic stool, did you shit your pants? But here's the thing, no, I'm not even gonna use that. Hold on, hold on, Arnie. Hold on, Arnie. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. It's all right. Look, being a little bit smarter Hold on, Arnie? Just on the bar with it. It's all right.

Look, being a little bit smarter makes me even more certain not to say. Who knows about to say. I think what Arnie was trying to suggest was that I, as a troll, am always looking for new dipping sauces. And I have already expressed my deep love of the rich funky nature of a very full barn. And yeah, when he said magic stool,

did I immediately think I would like to dip a calf in there? A little bit. Yeah, that's about right, that's about what I would think of. I also ranch is good. So did out there. We have a few emails here to Chenet's Gmail of 60s. This one's for the guests. This is from Alexandra. Alexandra says, what's the difference between a troll and a hill troll? Now you might have already alluded to this. Yeah.

But is there more than just turning into a hill? Look, there are a lot of things when it comes to just sort of like observance, how we pronounce various prayers, you know, when we think the solstice is, but it mainly comes down to I live by a hill. So, if you were to ever move homes, and I think that Passover is eight days long, interesting. So if you moved away from a hill, you would no longer be a hiltroll.

That is so reductive. Oh my God. This is a notion that the way I lead my life, the way that I was raised, just disappears when I get close to a cave that is ridiculous. At the same time, do I constantly fear that at some point in time, in my adventuring as a mage, I will accidentally fall into a labyrinth and become one of those trolls who just roams around a labyrinth,

eating anyone who comes through the labyrinth for sustenance, yes, but that's not something I need to think about right now. That's what people don't tell you about having a robe of intellect. You think, okay? There's a lot of shit that you should just breeze past me, and now I'm like, what if I fall into a fucking laboring?

Let's find some questions for the hosts No, I understand what you mean. I understand what you mean about the robe of intellect. I have the exact same problem all these clothes They just make me think You know like this garb it just really puts you in a very contemplative state of mind. Where all you can do is consider the, all the myriad wonders of the universe, and where you may belong in that universe, and what your role is in the universe. Are you ever think about your role in the universe? No. You should.

I mean, I just think about what I'm working on right now. You know, I'm currently working on a podcast that is being transmitted to earth, creating content, hopefully. And that's good for... Here's a question from Emily. Oh, I guess it's not really a question, it's just a statement. Hello from the Earthland of Pennsylvania. I want to let you know that an elephant has the largest bladder.

Huh. Pretty cool, huh? Pretty cool. Okay. I have to say, I've eaten a fair number of bladders in my tag. And I've never experienced one of these oliphons that you mentioned, but there was this one lady who had had like 13 children, and hers was as big and it was sturdy. Oh.

What's the, can you describe, because I don't think any of us have eaten bones or a bladder, speak for yourself. What's the mouth feel? Like what pairs well with a bone? What sauce do you put on a bladder? I mean, you're really, it's the world of squid, like calamari, like it's,

you really have to know what you're doing to keep it from being tough. Unless you want it to be tough. Sometimes you eat these things, black chicken you eat because you want it to be tough. Very cool. Oh, and it tastes like pissed. She was diabetic, so it was very sweet piss

and it was delicious. Arnie, I think that's the first time I've ever heard the phrase sweet piss. But here's a bit. And piss I didn't say it earlier. He's obviously not caught up on the podcast. Yeah. You haven't met our new breakout character, sweet piss?

No. Can I? Or were they murdered? Were they? Was sweet piss murdered? No, wait wait hold on! That's sweet piss! Wait! Wait!

You saw sweet piss! I don't even know! Sweet piss? No they're dead. Which feeds into this question from Mike, wasn't there a murder? Hold on. That's just the kind of email a murder would send. Again, read the name at the end. I lost it. There's too many, there's too many emails. Okay, here's an email from Anne, Anne says, hello from Maryland.

Two people with me are listening and never watch the show and they are confused. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Look, there are a lot of people who have listened to every single episode who are also confused.

Yes. Right? Yeah. Oh yeah. I think you know you're a fan of this podcast when you're like, oh yeah, there's nothing to get. I figured it out. What's left? I don't know, I guess I were doing it because I have to fill my time, I think. You know, growing up, I would just always make things, I guess.

I would draw things and what you make, Arnie. I don't know, I'd make little things, I would just make things, I would just make things. I would just make things, I would just make things, I would just make things, I would just always make things, I guess. I would draw things and, what'd you make, Arnie? I don't know, I'd make little picture books. Like, I would just color something, and then I would staple another page on, and color something there, and just sort of make a big book.

And the thing is, I would just keep adding to that one book. More and more and more. Even though the culmination of things in that book couldn't possibly make any fucking sense anymore. Yeah. To the... I have to say, I've never heard of this concept of a book that's just pictures,

but I like what I'm hearing. Yeah. Yeah. Thrac, actually, do you, Thrac, I'm gonna approach you. Okay. Do you wanna try and read this email? Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I should say this is a magical device from Earth and people can send us messages through this. Little lines make me angry, so I smell it. It doesn't say that, it doesn't say that. But what I, as I understand it, reading, as you guys always talk about it, is you look at little lines and then it makes feelings

in your head and then those are the words. And when I look at that, I think little lines don't make sense, thrac smash. Sure. And so is that what it says? Arnie, I think we have what you call a Lea Michelle situation. Mm-hmm. I should I have him keep trying? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Okay, that's who the emails from right here. Okay. Nice common earth name.

Guh, guh. He's choking, he's choking. Oh, he's trying to speak, let him go. I mean, maybe that's enough, I'm a little tired, maybe that's enough for this. Sure, okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. Charlie, are you open to notes on your teaching?

Can I hear him and then decide? Yeah. So when someone can't do something... That makes me angry. I think just asking them to do it on the spot in front of a lot of people... No. I have a question. Could I maybe get a buff to intellect? Oh, sure. Of course.

Arath-Tral-Kalath-A-Tral-Kirith! Oh sure, of course. ERAF TROAL KALAF ARA TROAL KITI! Now let me try. Gamma Rishan writes, MAGY TAVI. He's doing it! Can Yusur Jor make a rock so big, CHUNKT can't sex it. Wow!

Rock so big, chunk can't sex it. Wow. Oh. Wow. Wow. Make a what so big? Can you make a rock so big that chunk can't sex it? You know that classic question. Of course.

I could make a series of rocks. Each one larger than the last. And no matter what I did, China fuck it. Yeah! Here's a question. This is from Anna. Anna says, hello from New Zealand. New Zealand? New Zealand.

Perhaps they know who the killer is. Anna says, X Zealand. Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. Zealand. Oh no. Someone murdered an already dead character. Wait, wait, wait, already dead. What are you talking about? You have to catch up on the podcast. Am I alive? Oh, who's going to tell? Not me. Look, I hate to tell you this, Chant, but you died.

And we pulled a version of you from the future. You're now Old Man Chant. Old, Chant, but you died. And we pulled a version of you from the future. You're now Old Man Chant. Old Man Chant, am I darker and grittier? Yeah. That's kind of fun. So I'm probably the best version of myself. Yeah, I think. But there's a lot of multi-verse bullshit

going on right now. So, and I haven't black and white. Is there a version of chunch who is a Hong Kong film star and gets to go to premieres. Yeah, I'm sorry a Hong Kong film star Did you say Hong Kong film star? Yes, I did Generally when you are making cheese. There's a small film that starts at the top of it. And if you get some air under there, because honk honk when you press on it. And all of the other milk mates will be like, who's he?

Well, honk honk if you're horny horny. It occurs to me that you want to learn a lot about magic and transforming the very world around you. But it seems to me that you already know a lot about the methods and the magic behind creating cheese, which is itself a sort of magic when you think about it. Yeah. I mean, that's adorable, like condescending. Yeah.

And until just moments ago when I got there and so like, buff, I didn't know what condescension was. But the notion that you, a person I thought of as a mentor, are turning to me and saying, oh hey troll, why don't you just be happy like stealing wheels of cheese from milk maids and then eating parts of the milk maids. And I say I can do more than that. I am more than that. Fair enough. Fair enough, but I just wanted to support something that I think you're already great at.

And if you can transfer those skills of your understanding of cheese, I think you can transfer that same understanding to magic. And once we find your huge wand tonight, Easy. I already got the one. But I have to say, I've never heard, and like my access is limited because I cannot read, but I've never heard about like, curd-based potions. And I'm wondering if I could take these cheese-making skills that I have picked up from women that I've eaten and

use that to put put magic potions or unduants into, like, age cheeses, that could really be an angle from me. You know? Right, it's maybe more alchemy than it is, magecraft, but I'm still into it. Well, it's a stepping stone that way. You should build on the skills, you know? I think it's a wonderful

step in the right direction and if you've eaten these maidens and you're like me, I remember everything I eat. I think maybe what we're saying is that who we are isn't some destination. It's not like simple, it's a path we We're constantly striving. It's not about like, I did it. I'm now this thing. It's just about always moving forward towards what you hope for yourself. I feel like the intellect buff is maybe wearing off. And you saying all of those words made me really uncomfortable and feel like maybe destroying something would give me a sense of purpose or just centeredness. Oh, aircraft draws, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol,

carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol, carol You're welcome. Here's, I'm gonna attempt another question for Thrac. David writes, make sure the Hiltro knows the most important role of learning magic, don't die. How do you feel about death? What's your relationship with death? I mean, I have somebody who is a Hiltro whose mortality is speculative at best.

There have definitely been times when I wondered what am I doing, why am I here? And I've looked at those rays of sunlight and I've said I could just walk into that sunlight and all the pain would disappear. Like I would just become a hill, grass would grow on me and I wouldn't have to have all of these feelings,

all of this hurt. And I have to say that like, I'm a fucking hiltroll. Every day I look deaf in the face and I hide from it in the shadows. And I think that, you know, will I probably end up killing myself with a critical failure on an ice bolt? Sure. But I'm ready for that. That's beautiful.

So beautiful. Thank you. Oh, you, sir, what's wrong, buddy? That was just so beautiful. To realize that one's mortality is not within one's control, unless you choose to walk into that sunlight. It is quite moving. You, despite everything

that you feel is an incumbrance to the strive for more. I find it quite inspiring. I find you quite inspiring. Thank you. I find you really inspiring too. Ornie, switch seats. Read the rune, switch seats. Oh. Sure. Oh.

Uh, sure. Hi. Hi. Let me take you under my wing, and tonight we shall find a wand worthy of your mighty hands, and together we shall craft magic unlike that which you have air seen. I don't know about that. I just touched your flesh and it was really soft and I am a little bit peckish now. I think we should. Okay. Okay. Alright. Fair enough. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Here's a here's another email from Ryan says

hi fellas from Portland, Oregon. No weird way to say that one. It's a land of ports. Now where you go, there's a port. There's another port. Which pairs well with cheese. Every cheese by a port, delicious. It's delicious. A little sweet, but like a dessert. Like a dessert shit.

Yeah, but you know about me and the diabetic lady's bladder. I love it. Yes, yes. Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Ryan says, I'm pretty sure that Yusidor is both the murderer and the victim. Am I close?

Or are they, did they get it? Wait a second. Yusidor in the tavern with the belt. Oh, with the belt. Oh, sweet enough. No, yeah, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, no, it happens. It happens Is this one of these was he previously like you should or the green and now he's used to do the blue you said all the green and that's a sign that he like Now what I stoop so low, I have to be a green wizard. What a loathsome and stupid imbecil would be a green wizard, master of lies and truth.

What a despicable sort I would be. No, before I was used at all. And then it's true. I split myself into three. I killed one of him. I ate the other, and I buried the last one in my hat. That's right. I was the killer all along. It was me.

I killed myself, but I'm still here, and I get to keep the cash prize. No. No, no, I'm afraid not. Ryan from Portland, please send us your Venmo, and we'll send you $1,500 from Arnie. What? What? Is that right? No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. we haven't mentioned it, I think we've been fearful to mention it. I just wanna admire your restraints because all these other people in the tavern, these tavernites, milling about, having their own conversations, ordering beer, you haven't once tried to nibble on anyone.

That's, thank you for noticing, Sean. I'm waiting for them to fatten themselves up, and then, that's so smart. That's so smart. I'm going to eat them outside. And then after I'm done eating their flesh as just a little bomb on at the end, I'm going to eat the contents of their stomach, which will be full of meat and meat pies.

I mean, it's going to be a real good time. Sure. See you guys out there. Yeah. Do you mind shaking the hands of the first person you'll eat? Just a little, a little eat and greet? Absolutely Who's looking delicious

That's an appetizer right there you sir get on up here Come up here. Oh, stop being coy about this. Oh, do I look delicious? I fucking look to everybody who is around here and I said that you were the best tasting and you had to fucking lord it over them. That's the kind of arrogance I'm gonna enjoy tasting some moments from now. Thank you. And let that be a lesson to all of you.

After the show, when you leave, run. And let that be a lesson to all of you. After the show, when you leave, run. That's our show! Thank you all so much. How did Encyclopedia Brown know that Yusidor murdered himself? Turn to page 72 for the solution to the case of the muddled metaphor. Please note, cash prize has already been claimed. Yusidor the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunth the talking badger was played by Adelre Fy. Thrac the Hill troll was played by special guest Guy Branham. Check out his

newest book My Life as a Goddess. To see if he's doing stand-up anywhere near you check out his website, GuyBranham.com. Special thanks to Janet Varney and everyone who helps make San Francisco sketchfest such a great festival as well as the wonderful staff at the Brava Theater. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon, supporters like Zyla Boros, Nathan Rupal, Dylan Jones, T'Lal Carcudi, Canyon Williams, Hannah Carson, Paul Hill, Maya, Julie Benson, Ian Rasmussen, Daniel DeBene, Nick Carmian, Madhouse, and Lawrence

Martinez. To all of those fine individuals, I'm sorry no one was able to savage you with deep and cutting insights into your soul this week. Maybe try to code a ring. Remember when I mentioned in the intro that the video version of this very live show is up on the Patreon right now? In addition to that, patrons get ad-free episodes, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the latest bonus episode where Yusidor, Chunt and Arnie spend the night in a haunted horse.

That's really what they did. Which if you ask me, is a far better use of their time than attacking perfectly innocent clinical psychologists. Observe. While we sneak through this forest and try not to step onto pine cones, which, you know, I know we're focusing on the haunted dangers, but let's not forget just the normal forest problems. Yes, right.

Let's list them off so that we keep an eye out. Bugs, swamps, just being really being outside. General quicksand. Bees. Rats of unusual size. Seize. These. Well, these, these, I'm listing dummer bees. Oh, I see. See. I see. Oh, there's a save right there. Ah, already. Oh, it didn't even recognize me. Yeah, it's real. It just stunned a tree and died. I know.

Oh, tree. Shitty wolves. What is that? Shitty wolves. Shitty wolves? Yeah, I mean, some wolves are cool. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

That's why I stitched this shirt with three wolf heads on it. Oh, I love it. Each more beautiful than the last. And they're all kissing each other somehow. I feel like that's gonna be ironically hilarious forever. You know, no one's commented on my new look for today. I thought since we were going into a haunted house,

I'd, you know, I'd kind of dress down a bit. I'm not wearing my boots. Well hold on a minute. Earlier you sir this is kind of rude of you. Earlier I said is that a new shirt and you said yeah and I said huh. You're right. I just kind of like scowled at you a little bit. Yeah just like the other day when I go, did you get a haircut? And you got a real big smile and you go, yeah, I go, okay. Well, I appreciate that you noticed these things, but it would be nice to get some feedback, perhaps. You don't want that feedback. No, you couldn't handle it. To hear the rest and to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Ne Camp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffaie,

post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman, this episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Aller LeBan, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. We now return you to my regularly scheduled cunning plan to escape into your universe for my own nefarious purposes, which is going swimmingly. Oh, it is going to be a long week. you