Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 97 - Vengeful Warlock

Episode Date: November 6, 2023

Nicholas Fump, a warlock Usidore once cursed at a party, has come seeking revenge.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiNicholas Fump: Tyler DavisMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Anna HavermannMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandCheck out the new merch at our Teepublic store!Follow the show on YouTube to listen to the episode alongside two dynamic static animations of the tavern!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm Carrie Mulligan, the host of I Hear Fear, a new anthology series of terror. You and I know that the best scary stories are the ones we tell each other in the dark, so turn off your lights and close your eyes. Follow I Hear Fear on the Wondering app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm going deep into my wife's family history, digging up the cold case of her murdered great grandmother, and did I mention that I'm looking into whether the murderer was actually the beloved family patriarch? Binge all episodes of Ghost Story, add free right now on Wondru Plus.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, and with the great Sour and ritual behind us, all that's left is to gather up those discarded costumes from everyone's trash, and create a yard sculpture that suggests a bunch of otherworldly creatures, and sexy nurses had their inside sucked out by a giant spider. Because that's November, baby. Now sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Darni Neat Camp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon.

Also, the greatest lawyer in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Eight and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. If you're familiar with the Chicago land area, it's the one at the intersection of Irving and Clark. And I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional rift. And I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, and the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the innemable mountain in the magical land of Phoon. And I'm joined. I was gonna say as always, but a lot of things really put that into

perspective recently, but I am joined thankfully. Thank the goddesses, as they say here in Foon. By my co-host, my good bud, he's a good friend. Oh, I almost lost him. Chanted talking badger. Oh, yeah, baby. I want to a big new bomb. Oh, sorry. That's what I don't know what that was Usually you say Bibo or something like that, but yeah, I don't know if you heard Arnie, but last week I died I did here. I saw yeah, I was doing a chump for act Oprah. I was interviewing a silly chair Oh my gosh, if you ever get the chance, Arnie, I highly recommend interviewing a silly chair. So many anecdotes. I mean, you and Clint Eastwood,

is your favorite interview subjects? Clint Eastwood, I'm not familiar. Squinting very hard to think. No, I can't remember Clint Eastwood. Anyway, there I was when a hoard of vampires burst in, and they all just start punching my legs and pretty soon I couldn't I couldn't feel my legs hurting and I thought I was dead and you know you know how sometimes I blep I we don't show it on the podcast because it's audio only you know I blep like

my tongue sticks out and kind of get terrifying because I couldn't scream and so Yeah, I thought I thought I was gone or and then what I finally got away Arnie I realized suddenly whoa I can turn into a bat. I shape-shifted into a bat But you are you are a shapeshifter. Yeah, okay. I just you're inspired by the locale Yeah, I think you know, you're right I think when you said it it makes sense that I Yeah, I think, you know, you're right. I think when you said it, it makes sense that I'm a sheepshed. I could always start into a bad, it's okay.

It's all, it's all fine. I have this cape now, but that is just an aesthetic choice. Okay, can I back up on something? You don't see vampires punching a lot. You said they came in and they started punching your legs? Yeah, that's a weird move for a vampire It's not usually there go to also why your legs. Yeah, Arnie. Why not the legs? They're the thing we used to walk around You got you there. He's so close to the ground

Take that loya. Yeah, well here's the thing my legs are my arms as well depending on how you view badges Yeah, okay, so if you're gonna fight someone to Shay if you take out all four limbs You win shit. I got to be a better lawyer. I'm well I've really that one would have been so embarrassed by that you're going to win your next case with the legs as arms claws Morning, you have to make it a little more succinct maybe Law warrior? C- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

C-L-A-U-S-E. Claws. Ligs as arms claws. Not legs as arms claws. C-L-A-U-S. I'm only talking about this the more I hate it. The main thing to know is, Arnie, after that happened to me, it was terrifying.

And I was like, oh my gosh, I almost died. I basically did. And my friends like, oh my gosh, I almost died. I basically did. And my friends were not there. How awful. So I had someone craft us these friendship bracers. Now we each get so, so are you get one? Or are you get one?

So these are friendship bracers. And one, they're just beautiful. And it has a little Arnie and a little Wizard and a little badger. It's very fun. It says, now is the wizard and the badger you? You guys? Yeah, I'm the badger.

Yeah, and you say, where's the wizard? Sorry, what does it say on there? Did you say? It says, A.C.U. So Arnie Chant used to do it. Uh-huh. With a heart enveloping and all. And what it is, Arnie, I spent my life savings on this.

What it is, is it any time if you clink together the friendship bracers two times and say anybody's name who's wearing the bracers, the friendship bracers, that person will teleport to you. That's a lot to remember. Let me try it. Arnie! What?

There he is. There he is. Down the other side of me now, huh? Let me try that's the story already Okay, oh, he said on my lap hello I'm gonna go over the bar. I'm just gonna try it over here Here let me try let me try let me try in the ceiling. Yeah, yeah, bring him back Sorry Yeah, yeah, bring him back! Sorry, I'm sorry! These are great! These are so fun!

Normally, I feel like I'd be all-in for something or I can move around without walking, but it starts to get to you a little bit. It starts to get to you. You know, Chant, now I'm glad you died. Thank you! A bit. Thank you.

Something good came out of it, right? Something good came out of it. Unfortunately, no content came out of it because we did that record your actual death. No, out of it. Something good came out of it. Unfortunately, no content came out of it because we did that record your actual death. No, we got it. We got it. Yeah, the vampires seem to have some sort of microphone. Is that what this is called?

Microphone? Yes. It was like a branch with like a berry on it. They shoved a berry on it and there's a pop filter. I assume that's what it was. It was like a leaf. It was like a leaf that was like, I had like telling me that the vampires are starting a podcast.

That's the worst part of this whole thing. Oh, was that not supposed to say anything? It just feels like everyone has a podcast. It's called Pod Pires. It comes out monthly. I think it's doing very well. Oh, fuck, that's a good name. Well, there's so many vampires.

They already have that whole, like there are like a million vampires in Castle Hawks' Spire vampires. They already have that whole, like there are, like a million vampires in Castle Hawks' Fire. So they already have that kind of like, that social circle to start with, right? That's kind of how, ah, fuck, they're gonna be huge. They're gonna be huge. Yeah, and their tagline was something like, it sucks because they put me in a trance

to make me a guest, otherwise I would, already I would never, I would never be a guest on any other market, looks that for getting nuts. But they put me in a trance, I feel like their tagline would never, I would never be a guest on any other market. It looks like I've forgotten nuts. But they put me in a trist, I feel like their tagline was something along the lines of like, who, something, I want to suck your pot. What? That's what it was, I want to suck your pot.

That's disgusting. I'm, I'm flabbergasted. Oh, it's so good. I wonder if that I'm also here. I'm also here. Maybe if they got a popular network going, we could join them or Oh, it's so good. I wonder if the animals are here. And I'm also here. Network. Maybe if they got a popular network going, we could join them or something. I don't know.

Oh, no, you couldn't introduce me in this episode of what the hell are we doing? Oh, well, excuse me. We already dealt with you dying a bunch. Anyway, my other co-host is a sack of shit. All right, fine. Here I am. You okay, you Sodor? I'm sure you're still prepping for the Wizards or do the Wizards choice awards already happened

probably and we didn't buy the two win. Would you win? Would you win? No, no, it's still a month away. You're both going to be there. It's going to be the biggest event in all of the town and all at the base of here at the unnameable mountain and and and and what everyone will know about it. You won't it won't pass by without your knowledge. First of all, the sky will bleed. You won't miss that. The whole sky, or just like a portion of the sky. Oh, you know, parts of it, you know.

The sky will bleed and the heavens will open. You know. It seems like a lot of sky stuff. That seems really redundant, so. So the sky will open and let the blood flow from the heavens. You got it. Okay, so it's all one thing. You're describing it as a multi part, but it's all one action. I'm going to say usually if the first two things people describe about an event sound exactly the same. That means there's not a lot going on. That's just a pre-cursor to the

whole thing. Oh, it's a pre-cursorors. I don't have snacks. We're gonna have apps It's gonna be a great party everything. We're gonna have everything. We're gonna have Billy Baldwin We're gonna have Stephen Baldwin. We're gonna have all the celebrities. What? I don't know if you've heard about this Yousord, but I guess they give out some of the less exciting awards in the weeks prior because you got something in the mail What did I get you sword you won That best bird shit. Here you go Chant I'm so moved I Win this award every single year and it's oh, it's an honor

Yeah, I guess it does say that you serve the Blue Best Burt should award its name to have for you. Yes, well, there was one year that I lost it when the skies oaked and bird shit fell out instead of blood. It sounds like you got, remember when we were in the Midwest and any time, you know, Arnie would drop something, he'd go, oh, that's what it's,

it sounds like the skies apologize to him like, oh, oh, oh, remember Arnie used to do that all the time. Oh, yeah, I still do. No, back to Ohio. Yes, I do remember that. I just don't have time to say, oh, pen, who is the time? And that's why I'm saying, Arnie, you need to succinct times your name into law warrior, something like that, war lawyer, war lawyer.

And that sounds too close to warlock. Did someone say warlock? Yep, I just said it. Yeah, chunch, I forgot. Oh, this guy's breathing out my nuts. Oh, tiny badger. My qualm is not with you. Oh, my qualm is with the blue.

Oh, a qualm. I love settling qualms, so please have at. He's pointing right at you, Yusador. I am pointing at you, Yusador, the blue-o. I'm sorry, have I had the pleasure of your acquaintance before? Oh, our pals have crossed once before, and I've been dealing with it for the last 200 years. Okay, could you not say the word cross that gives me a bit of a headache for some reason? Yes, I would have been over 100 or 150 around then, yeah, no that makes sense.

I mean look vaguely familiar, did we go to the Great Halls of Turokis together or something? We're studying there. We have met at a very benign and otherwise uneventful time, but you took that opportunity to change my life. It was a bit of a swore, yes, indeed. It was a local key party that would have been a rumping good time for everyone, but you decided to curse me at that key party.

Before we get to this curse, and I gotta tell you, sir, I am very interested in this curse. I gotta hear a little bit more about what are the rules of this key part? Yeah, dish. Yes, well, if you should or it doesn't, it doesn't take lead, then I will, they were the key parties of transit augumon.

One of the hottest swingers in the land of food. Tranted on the mon a little T little A. Ooh, yes. Oh yes, I- But it's not just a little T and it's a whole lot of A. Oh yes, I remember now. This was during my sort of, you know, I was sort of pallid in adjacent at this time.

So like, orgy's a trancid argom on. Like I'd kind of like bust it and be like, what do you think you're doing? This isn't what the goddess is, wishes to do, you must be pure and holy, if you ever wanted to defeat the Dark Lord, I kind of got through that phase, you know, I kind of loosened up a lot after that, I was pretty, I was pretty uptight back then, I'm gonna be perfectly honest. Oh, you loosened up?

Oh, they're so convenient that after you cursed me, Nicholas Fump, to a 200 years of being trapped within my own mind for the indecency that I showed at that swing as a wordy, that you finally turned a new leaf and became more chill, more laid back. Yeah, that's the upside, I suppose. Well, I'm sorry, Nicholas. You say your last name was Fum. Fum. Fum.

Oh, and Fum, when you say you're trapped in your own head, does that mean like, like the party was such an embarrassment? Like, every night, before you go to bed, you just lay away and think about that party for like an hour and you're like, fuck, this sucks. That's fine, because I interpreted it as you're at a sex party and you just can't come. Oh, no. Well, actually, that's good. That's how, because I interpreted it as you're at a sex party and you just can't come. Oh no! Well, actually, that's good.

That's how it started. That's how it started. I... we bumped, we bumped shoulders. You... you read me to filth. You told me that I was being some kind of indecent man. And you said that I had no purity left in me. And you... you cursed me. And I thought it was nothing. I thought it was just a random happenstance encounter with someone who was a little bit uptight at a situation in which it probably

keeps you to be okay with how things the night is going. But then I went deeper into the orgy and things started to get hot and heavy. And I realized that I couldn't perform. And then I started to, we'll start to get hot and heavy, and I realized that I couldn't perform, and then I started to think about that, and I thought, um, fump, what does this mean that I can't, that I can't get going,

and then, and then I started thinking about even more, and then my world started to get tunnel vision, and it got darker and darker and darker, and just like that, there was nothing, and then it was, hell, you cursed me. I spent 50 years, 50 years at that orgy, unable to perform and just thinking about

everyone kind of knows that I'm on the fence and I can't, they see me in the corner and I'm not joining in and then I was 50 years of my life. And then 50 years I had to endure different torment. And then 50 years another one. And then a loose assortment for another 50 years. It wasn't necessarily one, so then one time I was exactly the same.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a box of chocolates, there's a variety, right, from. Yeah, it was the smorgasborg of, of, of hell. So if I was gonna sum up your whole deal, I, yeah, yeah, it's like a box of chocolates. There's a variety right? Fump. Yeah, it was a smorgasborg of of Hell. So if I was gonna sum up your whole deal I might say your fump your fump your in your head I mean

It's it's a little more complicated than that Actually, why don't we take um, Fump, why don't you grab a seat and um, I'll go get us some drinks and we'll take a quick break We'll be right back and already want you to join me to grab some drinks. All right So Nicholas Fump, do you mind telling me just a little bit about who you were before this encounter with Yusidoran before you entered this Fump Slump? Yes, before the slump, I will be honest with you. I wasn't any one special. I was a low-level warlock. I didn't know anything more than a can trip. And then, truly, barely even that. I mean, I can trip you over here. I can trip you over there.

My foot shoots out very quickly, but outside of that, I wasn't very magical. See Arnie, feet trip somebody. Legs are important, okay? You gotta take him out quick. Arms is legs. And I'm so so, I've used the store in front between the two of you.

I know the answer, but for Arnie, in case he's forgotten, what's the difference between a wizard and a warlock? Well, a wizard is born into the world. When the goddesses demand that there be a champion to defend all of the world from the evil that's on the destroyer's all for most certainly The goddesses demanded that I come into this world and defeat the dark Lord and I can spare see a bird and win and reign I should have just asked for a hook to come down The heavens did hope and the blood did pour down towards a tree and I did step forth fully formed and then

And Warlocks they like learned magic and stuff, right? Don't you just go ahead? You made a photo for something? Yeah, I read a purple scroll and now I don't have to use matches. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One other thing I've noticed, I don't know if this is all the time for Wizards and Warlocks.

Seems like Wizards have beards and warlocks have go tees Mmm Generally, yes, I did there are a few wizards who will wear a goatee and you're kind of looking at me like what are you doing right now? You look at an idiot and then you know some warlocks You know warlocks. Yeah, I don't know. I mean warlocks if we're being honest According to rules Set long before my existence Warlocks are not we're being honest, according to rules set long before my existence, Warlocks are not allowed to grow full beings.

We are bored, magically. As soon as we utter our first magical incantation, the hair from the sides of our face falls off. We are cursed with a perfect pristine goatee. I've tried. It looks great. with a perfect pristine goatee. Yeah, and you've tried. I've tried. It looks great. You got like, instead of a robey, I have like a duster, it looked fucking cool.

I, yeah, you really make it work. I mean, I've seen some more locks that look kind of silly, and I think you look very intimidating, very cool. I, if I'm being honest, most wizard beard, I just like fucking out of control. Hey, like they could use a little shape. A little shape. What are you talking about?

How else would I reach in there and pull out this bird then? I'll come out. Why is the bird only going for me? The bird is. Get that bird back in that beard. Leave him alone, bag. Ony, we should find a purple scroll for you. And then I'd be a warlock too.

I'm really interested in only being things where I can be fiends greatest something That's why I'm gonna try to do almost nothing else Greatest podcast or null if you I think pot fires is coming for you Nicholas, if you heard of pot fires pot fires I Listen to it on my way to the the base of the unamable mountain Which took a long time because how do you find one like that?

I know, yeah, it's tough. We kinda like it that way, though. Kinda keeps the area kinda special. Off the beaten path. Now, Nicholas, you mentioned that you spent your first 50 years at an orgy. First of all, kudos to have a put on that orgy. That's a lot of food. Second.

Uh, what, what, how you said you said you spent your, your life in some sort of Kudos to have a put on that orgy. That's a lot of food. Second Where what how you said you said you spent your in your life in some sort of Other torment that for the following 50 years what how did it change? Where did you go? What happened to you? Well, I thought you'd never ask for you see you said all the blue one One thing that I did learn after my 200 year prison was How to reverse engineer the spell that you put me under just ever so slightly so much so that I could Bring other people to see the world that I had left behind And with that I will bring you to a torment that I spent 50 years in right here, right now, by the power of foam. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now, the never-ending hole! He's foam, he's foam, I made his head. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, move! Ah, too late, we're Arnie, Ernie, Ernie, Boot! Er, too late, we're already inside his head. We are now in the never-ending whole life fell straight down for 50 years. Wow. We're all just falling.

This is sort of fun. It feels fun at first, but then we get to, we get past the 30-minute mark and you're kind of really like, I really wish I was on some kind of solid ground. Sure, sure. I also imagine that you're sort of thinking like there's gotta be ground coming pretty soon.

You gotta be thinking that pretty often and that sort of maddening in itself just thinking endlessly the same thought over and over again with never having any satisfaction. Kind of like the orgy. I'm seeing a pattern here. So you were fucking here. Of course you was getting a pattern. You trapped me here. You made the pattern that you see now.

Oh, sure. The orgy is like going into a hole. You're so clever. I meant the orgy was holding the door. Why am I not even sure if it was hold? Winding. Somewim gotta get that checked out. Well, that was very literal, Chad. But I was thinking more about the fact

that you're never reach achieving sort of satisfaction. And Nicholas had to mention that he was unable to reach climax during Quages earlier. So I didn't want to be uncouth and bring that up again, but I did. And then you feel as though, do you see the torment that you've caused me? bring that up again but I'd, the thing about that

shunned the badgers, that I did not have the pleasure of wearing a cape to the orgy that I was imprisoned in. Well, that's your first mistake. God, where a cape. God, where a cape. I'd be in 2020. But I was cursed with what I had on at the time, which was nothing.

Oh, yes. Why didn't you just conjure up like a magic carpet or a or a den billions floating orb or something or something just land on? Why didn't I conjure that up? Let me swim through the air so I can get closer to your face. Why didn't I conjure that up? What is coming up so quickly? I don't know a faith Why didn't I conjure that up? What is coming up?

Get out of my face. Can I use a vector 200? I don't know magic. I don't have that. I don't have the spell that matter. You look like you're trying one. That's not even how swimming works. Look, you're perpetually stepping on a banana.

You use your legs more, man. Look, I, it's not my fault you don't know magic. You came to me, you threw, you tried to, you know, you're trying to step up to the wizard. The wizard's gonna step back, you know? Like, you try to, you know, you try to step up to the wizard, the wizard's gonna step back You know, like what do you want me to do? Nicholas, you're just slowly floating on to your back How are we so much better when we're maneuvering?

When I, oh, they will be hell to pay when I go the rest of that two 70 degrees hang on hang on a few minutes No, no hang on wave mom wave mom wave mom all right. I'm back. Okay. No, no, hang on. Wave mom, wave mom, wave mom. All right, I'm back. OK, OK, I'm right on the ship. So, do you not see Liz Chant, Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah We met Yusudor at Trendsids orgy. All I did was ask you if you wanted to get in on some of this, okay? Well, I was there to stop perversion at the time, which, you know, looking back on, I'm not proud of. I don't want to kink shame anyone. And, you know, it was a period in my lifetime. You know, Wizards, they go through a lot of stages.

They live for a long time, and you get bored with being one way and you become another way. So let me say this to you, Nicholas. In now, as we fold on this pit as you did for a low those 50 years. Hang on, I've rotated halfway. Hang on, hang on. Turn back, I just talked into his butt.

Sorry. I never knew you were very more thumper. Let's talk. All right, I'm back, I'm back. It butt right now. Sorry, never knew you were very more thumper, let's. All right, I'm back, I'm back. It was a phase, quick phase. Genlevi and I were on a break. I was, I was, I was not doing well. Wait a second, are you saying that Nicholas Frump

just got you on like a bad weekend and then you cursed him for 200 years? I mean, I was gonna last for 200 years. I probably just said like, Escavalotala or something like that. Was it Escavalata? It was Escavalataar. Oh, I really, you rolled that off.

I really put some stink on that off. Yes, you did. Oh, yeah. That probably extended that. Probably meant to last for like 200 minutes or 200 days or something. I really kind of leaned into it there. But, well, you know, yeah, well, you know, live and learn

the next time you're falling down a pit just say Isala Kata. And you'll grow these beautiful angel wings like I have. Oh you guys are still falling. Yeah, I don't we don't have Magic. We don't have magic like you we don't got it like you do right? For God's enough of this falling by the power of Ground alright, I mean you say you don't have magic But it's very impressive that you can take it to these What you can only do this because I spent that time trying to understand what you did to me.

Right, and now, how you gonna make a little money off of it? You make it into a ride, you have some kids, fall down a hole, make them pay you a gold coin. Well, what do you think? I mean, I've been so obsessed with tracking you down and... Uh-huh. ...and what I would say to you if I ever at the time I I didn't have money when I came to again and I haven't thought about the

Afterwards yeah, right. I mean, it's kind of like a sensory deprivation tank, you know Yeah, I can just kind of keep people to fall through your head for a while Well, I mean ballparking will come back to this usage. Ballparking, how much would you say that that was worth? That whole falling experience back then? You know, I could see you charging. 40 gold, 50 gold. That's pretty steep, I'd say, more like maybe like 10, 15 maybe.

And 15 bronze maybe. If it's a Tuesday night, maybe five. Yeah, bronze. Yeah, I mean, I can fall anywhere, but that's true. But can you keep falling? Can you keep falling? Yeah, I guess you have a point. I have to get back up if I want to keep falling.

Yeah, you know what, if you think about it, you're not charging for the falling. You're charging for the not having to get back up. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Which is probably some kind of, is a commodity of itself, because people are cursed with the needing

to get back up again. But if you never have to, that's worth at least 40 gold. Five seems steep to me, it seems like a lot. Oh no. like he has to he needs 40 gold real bad because it keeps coming back It's a 20 specifically 35 I need 35 yeah, just one in five like a meal back. It seems reasonable Yeah, yeah, yeah I used to do your hard to track down and I made a lot of promises to people

who said that they had clues to your whereabouts. Oh really? I need to pay them back. Oh, I see. You think I'm hard to track down? I love the stand on top of a mountain and just scream things. It's hard to not run into it from my experience. Right, oh yeah.

I mean, I don't really like hiding out. I mean, I guess we're kind of, I mean, I don't really I'm not really like hiding out. I mean, I guess we're kind of I mean, I were on edge of civilization here in nibble bottom. I suppose uh Wait, hold on Are you seeking some sort of revenge on me because I gave you the power of falling in a hole? Well, you said or to be fair. It was more than that. I was just one of the parts and in fact Nicholas, what part of your experience are we in now? Well, I've transported us back to the strange familiar,

because I myself needed a small break because even going back to those places is it's draining on my body and my mind. Sure. Yeah, you do look a lot worse I feel bad. I feel my skin feels dry from all the wind with me. No, I'm sorry to hear that It's fingers. I gotta say John you look great. It really looks like it is revitalizing for you Yeah, I just feel like I got so much blood rushing to all extremities, and it just feels like my fur's like doing something really fun and cool,

and I look very good. And, John, why do you keep smirking every time you say blood? Oh, don't reason. Oh, they don't know I have fangs now. This little better has fangs. John, you've always had fangs. Huh? Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, when you say it, that makes sense. Oh, you saw I realized something. You know how you did what you did to Fump because you had a, on it? Yeah. That's why I always hear Corn Cob the Calico, the cat wizard is so powerful.

Because every time he does a spell, there's so much of a, oh, hold on, I gotta write like five things down. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He does a spell. There's so much of a whole lot. I got to write like five things down. Arnie, all you wrote down was kill vampires stealing my podcast. I know, but I write slow and you wrote it four times. I mean, corn cob the calico. I, of course, is a very powerful wizard. I want to. So cute. So cute. cute one of one of the rare animal wizards that you don't see nearly as oft. I don't have time to say often. Yeah and you know these are thing a time-saving tip.

If you're gonna go with oft you don't have to keep explaining it every time because then you're like tripling the amount of time it says to say often. I don't know where you're talking about. I don't think any one of this podcast should be giving times to even tips. Well, Nicholas, if you've come for some sort of revenge against me, I have to say I'm likely to just curse you again to be perfectly blunt. Oh, so you're not a reformed wizard. You're still just as likely to put me in another curse. You've learned nothing.

Do you even think about me? What you did to me after you cursed me? Oh, surely, fun. Come on, it had to have haunted you, Siddharle, right, Arnie? This had to have, like, weighed on his mind for years and years and years. Surely. Honestly, I don't even really remember this happening.

I mean, I sort of remember going to an orgy and being like, you're, uh, in offense, you offend the goddesses and you are unpure and sort of, you know, crap like that. It's so tacky now. It's really great, really great at all. If I cursed you, I apologize. I fully apologize. And let me put it this way. If you come for revenge and you step up, I'm gonna curse you again. However, if you've come to make peace

and turn over, you know, the next page of your book, I'm happy to help you in any way that I can. Uh, would you like to, I don't know, uh, is everyone, is anyone you know still alive? You want to go back in time? You want to, uh, I- I suppose like, what was that? I suppose I could call Ken. Well, he's cursed for 200 years. Maybe he lost touch with his family. I don't know. I'm just telling you. I lost everything. I lost everything. It's especially for 200 years. Maybe he lost touch with his family. I don't know. I lost everything. I lost everything. It's Especially the orgy. Whatever. Never especially the orgy. Especially the orgy. I don't know if that's what you should

I was gonna go to break, but I do need to take a moment and point out you're like I lost everything Everyone I love my family all my possessions especially, I've lost to the origin. Yeah, see, that's your priorities are out of whack, man. You've never been to a tranceid argom on OG! I have! He little, that's where you met. I literally met you there. No, I'm talking about Oliol!

I'm talking about the rest of you! Okay, you don't have a prayer. I've heard tales. Back in my day, they were all of the ways they were all people talked about and I didn't have much going on at the time Okay, let's take a break and then let's focus on how you didn't have much going on at the time Because I think that might be the real issue here, but very quickly I do have to say there's three things you don't do in food You never ask a woman her hip points.

You never... You never ask anyone if anyone they know is still alive. I will never pet Corn Cob the Calico while he's cursing you. No! And Albra. Okay, now Nicholas. You said before I cursed you, you didn't have much going on. Let's unpack that. I care about you because I have to, because I protect every man, woman, and child here

and food. And you- Since when? Oh, gosh, when did I really get into that? Um, let's see, I remember about 200 years ago, I went to this orgy, I cursed some people, and I was like, this isn't doing anything for me. Oh, and then I- You didn't tell me that that was- that was when you got your life together? Oh, yeah, I was right after that.

It was right after that. It was right after that. Oh, you just missed the cutoff bump, you just missed the cutoff. Yeah, yeah, uh huh. And you didn't think to go back and decurs the man who was trapped in his own brain during an active orgy. Let's see, I did go back and I did uncurse a hippopotamus that I had turned into a pot of plant. Yes, yes, Ralph. A hippopotamus plant. Exactly. Wow, that is...yesur, that's fucking nuts.

Yeah, well, like I said, I was on kind of out of Bender. I was on a curse... A curse... A curse... Was it like a pot with soil and then a hippopotamus head and then leaves on this side? Yeah, a hippopotamus head plate. A hippopotamus head plate. Or an ESA. A hippopotamus head plate.

Nailed it. Got it in one. Wow, you really are the best podcaster in the Finns. Thanks. Sorry, what were we talking about? Because I'm really thinking about this hippopotamus head plan now. I think we're talking about like funny animals.

We're like kind of weird and fun and silly. Funny animals, yeah. We're talking about funny animals today. What's the funniest animal you've seen in in the last, I dunno, 200 years. If we learn one thing in this episode, let's walk away remembering some animals are funny. That's true. Oh, that's a lesson.

I got a block. Now, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I can't... I can't allow myself to accept that after all this time. You've forgotten me completely, even though you changed your life immediately after... I need some sort of payback. A reason why I had to endure... 50 years of waiting in line for a urinal in a line where everyone's just shoulder to shoulder to cramped. 50 years I waited in that line What it was one of the tourments that was one of mine? That was one of yours man. That was mine Listen if it makes you feel better you can punch the shit out of my legs, okay?

There was Yeah, there's clearly something going on with this old leg thing. Come on, get my legs 200 punches, go nuts! Nicholas, have you ever seen a vampire punch someone? I can't think of a single time I've seen that. Not off the top of my head, no. Okay. That's not really their thing. You think vampires only bite.

No, no, that's not what I said. I think they don't tend to punch. I think they bite, I think they claw. I think sometimes they swoop Sometimes they uh swipe Skulk and swipe. Yeah, those are all things that they do But you don't see a lot of them like you know kind of like vista-cuffing Because that's where all their power is. Do you know how strong a vampire punch is? Yeah, that's what I'm saying

I figured out they can punch. We're all screwed Sorry, well, were we... Were you here to talk about vampires, Nicholas? No! No! I came here to kill you, but now I think... I see that I came here to kill you. I did, but now I see that you're just as strong as you were before,

and you've learned nothing, which means you're probably even more dangerous than when we first met and and honestly I I think I just I want something to to make this worthwhile and you said you said you could send me back in time I could certainly try can also call my friend can he's you could and how you saying you'll No, I'm saying like I can do time stuff for sure, but if we wanna make sure it's beautiful, we call Cat, he's a fucking prick, but he's really good at time stuff.

And Fump, I'll lay it out there just so you have all your options. You store or can, could take you 200 years in the past, undo what happened to you, You never would have experienced this. You live a full life or punch me in the legs 200 times as hard as you are. I mean, technically it wouldn't really undo. He would just be back where he started,

but you'd remember everything all the torment that happened. No, leg punches are looking pretty good. Leg punches are looking better. I'd say, you know, isn't there a saying about orgies? You can never go home again. Like, huh? Doesn't have to say about orgies. Hmm, you can, so you went to an orgy

where they said you can never go home. I can't say that. As you walk in the door or as you were leaving. They said, you're coming to the floor. You can never go home again. Yeah, okay, you saw a bump. Here's what I think happened. I think Arnie went to an orgy.

I think he bumped his head on the way in. I think they said, this guy's here again. I wish he'd go home. I think Arnie, Cuzzy bumped his head, heard. You can never go home again. What do we think? I bet 35 gold, that's what happened. 35 gold, fump, you want to take it?

I mean, I'll take it? I mean I I'll take it. All right. Hey Arnie. Yeah. Do you remember at this orgy? Do you remember hitting your head at all? Yeah Oh, yeah, it's not a sex act. Okay, well 35 gold There you go. So you got them. I need to pay everyone back I have the money to pay everyone back, but that does not make me whole... Okay. I was gonna say that's more closure than most of our guest-kid. I just wanna say this. Look, uh, just for shits and giggles.

Uh, rrrr, rrrr, rrrr. How did you think you were gonna kill me? Rrrr, rrrr, rrrr. Well, I... I was going to hit you with a can trip that I had been picking up in my travels that okay It allows me to conjure balls of slime and I okay. I figured I would you know give the old one to Slime to the head and there's so much slime that you can't breathe and you was fixate on my slime Okay, well, you know what you know what fairs fair Take your best shot. Oh slime. Yeah, yeah, you're slimy balls in his face if it helps I can I'll just stand I'll stand right here

Everyone everyone at the strange familiar no take take notice Nicholas Fump familiar no take take notice Nicholas Fump gets his revenge now okay he's walking right down the man right down the man oh yeah oh yeah right down the plane that's some sludge in your mouth I think oh He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. You got him. Yeah, he's dead Let me go over and pet the body down check He doesn't have a hernia, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, I forgot Arnie I was testing out something during the last break I put one of my friendship racers on the roof and I was gonna test something Chant No That's disappeared

Well, I died a bit no So how do you feel do you feel satisfaction? You mean to tell me that No. Uh... So how do you feel? Do you feel satisfaction? You mean to tell me that... Your death is not permanent? No. I... here. Arne, give me your knife.

Here you go. I stabbed myself six times in the chest. I'm fine. I am gonna have cough for a couple days. Then it's... truly... no use. You are... impervious to...

my... my attacks. Oh no, but you killed me. I definitely died for like a second over there. I-I mean, do you feel... do you feel better? I mean, I- I... while you were on the ground,

dead, now full of slime, I felt more pride than I have in... 200 years. What the hell? There you go! Keep it, aren't you? Yeah! Good job!

I say- You're the work, buddy. You're dead. Now, think about it. If you come up against some mortal who's wronged you, and, uh, you want to throw a big slime ball at their head. You can kill them pretty fast probably. That's something you said you're not magical. You can make people fall through your mind and you can throw slime balls. That's at least two good spells you've got already. I think I think it's time for Nicholas. I'm sorry what was your last

name? Fulph Phulph. To focus on yourself and to become the warlock you were always meant to be. Were you trapped for 200 years? Or were you just on the beginning of your journey? To be the greatest hero. Phulne ever needed. That's my job. Sorry guys, Kim, I just came down from the roof did someone say chunt you say chunt chunt

Hey, buddy, hey Chunt I'm gonna let Nicholas think about this for a second. Why don't you and I step over to the bar? You know, he can hang out with awning cuz You know that they could do human stuff, I guess, I don't know. Can I do the thing? You can do the thing. Okay, Crawl under his hat.

Grab two toughs of his head. Hee hee hee. Oh, little high-heigh when they do that. Hey, Nicholas, would you mind if I read an email? I don't know this won't mean anything to you, but maybe listeners of this podcast could come to you for advice as well. Please, read away. I need to nurse my sorrows at the bottom of this glass. Sure. Hey listeners, you can always email us by joining the Patreon

at patreon.com slash magic tavern and messaging us there or emailing us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a really email address. Here's a email we got a little while ago. Hey guys, see Nicholas, this is for both of us. That's guys. Hey guys, been listening for years and absolutely love your podcast. Thank the goddesses you are still getting a Wi-Fi signal. I'm writing because of the one true wish on the

Golden Unicorn. Since Usador wasn't actually dead, doesn't that mean Arny wished for Tussador to come back because his name is also Usador and you gave him the name Tussador? Does that mean he is alive somewhere? Just something I've been thinking about. Love you boys, Kate. Oh shit. I did wish on a golden unicorn that Yusu would come back to life, but Yusu was actually not dead at that time just pretending to be dead and they did say there could be dark consequences to that wish. Oh.

It's a lot to think about but Ernie, Ernie, did the blackest end? Did I miss the end of the blackest? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you got it in. He did it. Orney, I see that death has a hard time finding use of door and many different avenues. And so maybe I should let this go. Why suffer for another 200 years? I wanted to ask you, Orney. Sure. You've been around food for a while now, right? I wanted to ask you, Arnie. Sure.

You've been around boon for a while now, right? Eight and a half years, curatec. Eight and a half is a... That's not nothing. Not nothing. Do you have any leads on any, like, fun times that a discerning warlock could... Oh, Nicholas.

You know, I've been doing a podcast for eight and a half years. I don't, I'm just gonna talk to anybody. He's got a lead. Yeah, no, I mean, I think I just love the art of conversation. So this is so wholesome. Honestly, Nicholas, you look sadder than you have this entire visit. Well, I've been... It's contrast, it's perspective.

I've been trying... I've been so obsessed for the last 200 years with killing Wizard who cursed me when really I could just be getting down on some conversation. Maybe! Look! You found a purple parchment that made you powerful. Some what, I guess more than you were before. Maybe just go out and try to find other magic items,

try to just get more and more powerful, and then someday maybe you can kill you, or I don't know, it's just a goal. It's not like goal shouldn't be destinations, but if it's just something that helps you better yourself, like just go out and find a man, build as much power for yourself as you possibly can and then kill you, Sador.

Yeah. I should be living my life to the fullest, to take in all of that life has to offer. And if, for whatever reasons, something comes into my life that allows me to kill an unkillable wizard, then that's just life. Yeah. And I should take that opportunity and kill that wizard.

Yeah, and again, I'm speaking broadly metaphorically here, not specifically. You didn't mention use it or by now. I guess I did. And I regret that a little bit, but you know what I mean? Just get kill your wizard, whatever that might be. It may be in this example, specifically use it. Cue.

Anyone want a lemon drop? Shots for everyone. Sweet lemon drop shots. Ooh, I'll take a lemon drop. Okay, there you go. All right, I'll have one too. I will also have a lemon drop. And afterwards, I will be leaving this bar. And I don't think you'll see me for a while

You should hope that you don't oh All right, love to see you again. I think you've been a wonderful guest a toast to always bettering ourselves Yeah to taking lemon drops and making lemonade the chili funny girls I can kill that guy. To killing your wizard. At some point in time. Whoa! Pretty good. Ooh. [♪ Music playing in background, music playing in all agreed has got to go was played by Matt Young. Chonth the talking badger was played by Adolfie.

Nicholas Fumpth the Warlock was played by Tyler Davis. Follow Tyler on Instagram at Tyler A. Dave, where he has short films debuting in the next few weeks. Hello from the Magic Tavine is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. I'm talking about Good-hearted Shire folk like Sav, Ashley R. Wesley, William Gillis, Mark Ashton, Arman K, Ella M, Daniel Q. Bank, Josh Simpson, Kranski the Potato Rider, star of a series of George R.R. Martin books that never took off. Jamie Sayer, Arthur Chase, Joanne Lilly, Bailey Chapman, and Martina Tingley. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back-ad-log including all the previous spin-offs,

and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, The Season 2 finale of Shadow City, DM'd and given an unearned credibility by Anthony Birch. The doors are completely closed leading out of the League of Friends super secret stronghold, and they are very, very heavy doors that cannot be opened by anybody who is not either a superhero who can use the Palm print scanner on it or super strong like, wait, you have a super strong guy with you,

that's not a puzzle at all. He has a heart attack. What? What? Oh no. So he's got a heart attack. He dies, Adel II dies right in front of you tragically for the sake of the puzzle.

And yes, how are you gonna get through the super big door that has a Palm Scanner and, uh, uh, uh, otherwise it's very heavy. Guys, guys, as soon as we try to turn Adel II into a perfecto, he died on mysterious causes. We're dealing with a serial killer. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And I think Tommy Punches closes Adel II's eyes and says, Adel II Bruté.

To listen to all of season one and two of Shadow City and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Looking for another way to listen to hello from the magic tavern? How curious! My head is involuntarily shaking itself back and forth in a no-gesture! The body certainly is a wonder. Anyway, all of Season 4 so far is up on YouTube at the official Hello from the Magic Tavern YouTube page. There's a link in the show notes. I dare you. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnini Camp, Matt Young, and Adolf Refy.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Welcome to another episode of Powered Pires. The podcast broadcast monthly onto a berry stuck on a twig with a leaf in front of it. I am Kendall the Toe and I'm always joined by I am Shiva the Red Yes, and also I am blood daddy Come on, blood daddy come on Say one of your gates, please blood, blood, blood, blood

Say gates, please Trim your nails so you can make a fist He's punch, we learn to punch and not the lives but not least we have I am the wargoblin He is punch, we learn to punch and not the lives but not least we have. I am the war Gubrin. Wut is the war Gubrin. Yes, and we've got vampires from all over the region. Where we are now.

Slightly. And if we do not understand your accent, and this is not on you, that is on us. We should, we should attune our ears. We have, we have super here. My, here's the thing, my hamrax is changing. I can hear it. They're all due.

You have to listen with your heart, not just your ears. Let's hear from one of our advertisers. This episode is brought to you by Water. Lakes River Streams. What do they have in common? They're all made of water. And we're back. I'm still thinking about that one. Should we talk about blood today?

I think we will find our way to it. Of course. We always do. we always do. We always do. We always do. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on x.com.