Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 4, Ep 99 - Security Team

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Momo, Krom and Blemish prepare to manage security for the Wizards Choice Awards.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifKrom the Fingarian: Mark FrederickBlemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandGet tickets for our upcoming live shows at Thalia Hall and SF Sketchfest!Check out the new merch at our Teepublic store!Follow the show on YouTube to listen to the episode alongside two dynamic static animations of the tavern!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello listeners, this is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations. Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy. Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great big living room to play cards, watch movies, and just chill out. It honestly made all

the difference in the trip. It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb to find something you won't forget. Hi, it's me, the OG Green Grum and the Grinch. Listen as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer, grilling celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. They'll try to get my heart to grow a few sizes, but it's not gonna work, honey! Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on The One Dread, or wherever you get your podcasts. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real, so the burger king across the street

shut down, and this secret government facility dedicated to monitoring it was abandoned without me noticing. Have I been alone here for months? Maybe I do need to cultivate more of an interest in all the blurry ill-defined figures surrounding me. Speaking of connecting with other people, young. Hello from the Magic Tavern has two live shows coming up in early 2024. The first is in Chicago on Thursday, January 11th at 8pm at Taliahol.

The second is at the San Francisco Sketchfest on Saturday, February 3rd at 3pm at the Brava Theatre, with special guest Ron Funches. Tickets on sale now for both shows, and you can find links in the show notes. Now, sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne E. Camp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon, and also the greatest lawyer in all of Foon.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know eight and a half years ago. I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago that I'd just found out, maybe doesn't exist anymore, into the magical fantastical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal, I thought from that Burger King through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the strange familiar, in the town of Nibblebottom, at the base of the innamable mountain in the magical land of Foon, and I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Trunk the Talking Badger.

Oh yeah baby, and oh yeah, Iggy Baby! Oh hey, yeah! Let me just sit down Iggy Baby's cup here and uh, lift him into the cup and sit him down. Oh, haven't seen Iggy Baby in a little bit. It's almost like a horse situation where we just sort of lost him against him. Careful, Arnie, careful. Yeah.

Aggie Baby is safe in sound. I've actually put some padding on Aggie Baby. I've drawn sort of a menacing face on him. Oh, yeah. Just so at the Wizard Choice Awards, he kind of looks a little intimidating, but I did put some quilted padding around him just so he doesn't crack or break.

Yeah, that's a thoughtful, John. Yeah, and I combed his hair and what else? What hair? What was hair? Oh, already I taped some hay to the top of his shell. Just so he blends in, you know, this will be his first like big gathering. And I don't want him to be self-conscious or like sure. You know how like all the world is like a creature and you're an egg and it just feels weird sometimes? Sure.

You know what? Actually, when I think about it, I do feel that way sometimes. Are we sure that's an egg? What? Are we sure that's an egg? It's been an egg for like four years or something. It hasn't been an egg for a long time. But don't we confuse- No, we can be as good. Chum just has taped a bunch of shit to this egg. It's been an egg for like four years or something. It has been an egg for a long time But no, this is good. Chum just has taped a bunch of shit to this egg. It's still an egg. All right

Well taping hey to the top of its shell is not a bunch of shit already come out Well, have you found any hay anywhere in all food doesn't have at least some shit on it? No, you're right I see it now, okay. Well, let me take this hey off never mind But look we all have at least a little shit in our hair, am I right? Absolutely. And speaking of, you sir, congratulations again on winning, I think it was most birch-hit and most times saying, ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro- these awards and I couldn't be more alert and I couldn't be more covered in budget. Oh, and you say you said or can you go ahead and give the award for Aegis baby just so he feels like he's burning it. Oh, sure. And I wanted to announce, uh, huh? I wanted to announce the award tonight for Aegis baby. What the

fuck? The nominees are Arnie The giraffe with the legs that are a canoe boat or something Trombone that's in Trump. I think it's trombone. Yeah, and then of course eggie baby. Oh, wow Good the winner is not already not already already, not already, not already. I open this envelope here. I'm in the pair of speech, but I'm probably not gonna win. But oh, but I can't, I could. Suddenly, I think I can't have this. The winner is, come on.

Eggy-baby. Wow. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d Oh, buddy, I'm so proud of you. Your first award, let me, okay, guys, don't laugh. I made them little arms. Okay, let's put this in your little hand here. All right, that's so cute. Thank you. Well, this is an honor to be nominated, I guess. Aren't you, you're crying?

I'm just, all right, quietly devastated. Did you really think you're gonna win A.E.S. Baby? What are you doing? You're ruining this for him. That's the thing, you sort of said my name first, and so I suddenly started wondering if it's like a seeded thing where like maybe the first is the most likely to win. You started out of your seat.

You started to get out of your seat. I know, that's insane. I think I read this wrong, it says Lala Land. Love me, we were all fucking robbed Well, it's for as I'm concerned the eggy baby is the eggyest baby of all the egg babies I knew Thank you I'll get you to make you oh trophy at home, buddy. Can we get some drinks? I can just conjure a trophy Well, that's what I wanted you to do in the first place and have him win, but eh, it doesn't matter. It's fine.

Yeah, I'll grab some drinks. Are any of you want big guy? No, I was wondering, should we maybe have Blenish? Blenish. Blenish. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yes, a fish returns. First of all, how are you feeling?

Uh, how does anyone really ever feel when they work, work, work all day long? I guess I feel fine though. But you haven't hurt at all. You're, you're, you're healthy and you're well, yes? No, no. Would you like to look under my robes and find out? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be good. Anything, does anyone see anything on me? Just a cat dick.

Anything else? A healthy cat dick? Excellent, then I'll leave this off. What would we have to drink? Oh. Well, I'll have an ostrich, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, Yes, and I'll have a buttered cauldron with 10% milk. All right. I'll have a red potion. No get him a beer. I'll be here. Coming right up. Thank you, blemish. Thank you, blemish. Guys, I think everyone really well with blemish. Our whole plan to have all those dark Lord Memories sucked out of his brain Seems to have worked. He seems to be completely not Dark Lord at any more.

Yeah, yes, but we still can't kill him. Oh, I'm sorry. First. Yes, it are. What? Why do you always have to frame things as we can't kill somebody? Yeah, yeah, it's going well, but we still can't kill him. Right. Well, the easiest thing you would think would be to kill him and kill the Dark Lord. But if we killed him, then the dark Lord's soul is free.

We're jumping to a new body. So we have to keep him alive. So I've cast some wards and protections around him to make sure that he doesn't get hurt, doesn't slip and fall onto a butter knife or something. But you have to admit, you said, or that it is on your brain. The other day, I introduced you to my friend,

Willyn, when you shook his hand, you said, nice to not want to kill you. So, mm-hmm, yeah. There's something there. Chuck, you have a good point. And I'd love to kill you, but we have to go forward with the plans that we have in motion. We have to keep her running for the wizards.

Choice or it's only a week away at this point. And we have to make sure that everything's ready and as much as I'd love to kill everyone at the table, it isn't the cards right now. 3b's for everyone. I was sick of trying to remember everyone's order. 3b as it is. Oh, okay.

Alright, see you. You're not saying the whole blime. Same terrible service. I think he's himself again, though, which is a heartening. Perhaps if we suppress the Stark Lord for air, until I find a way to remove him, dispose of him permanently. You know, I was just back behind the bar, and I realized that I had dropped a fork

into the deep recesses of the incinerator, and I reached in for it without realizing that the incinerator, and I reached in for it without realizing that the incinerator was on, and I grabbed the fork, it was molten, and I was fine. Look at me, look at this hand. Yes, you should. Brat. You shouldn't do that, though, you just got lucky that time.

I think you just got lucky. And why are you breathing on my neck? It's just good to be using some of your warmth again. What were you writing down if you forgot all our orders? You wrote down something while you were taking our orders. Yes, I look, I wrote, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, over and over again. Come on, man.

I've been filling every order book. You pressed so hard with that quilt, so you ripped the shit out of that paper. Yeah, I feel, I feel only one page. I go through all the pages with one strong right. I blame myself for only teaching you to write and not to read, because if you could also read, you could just write it once, and then read it over and over again.

The good thing is one day that's how books will be made. Hmm. Pressing down real hard on one quill on a big pad of paper. I've been trying to sell these. Not a lot of takers. Well, I'm just so happy that we finally let you out of the basement where we've had you trapped for years and years. Yeah, yeah, same, same here. Guys, we're doing good. We're so good. We are good people. Ah, Arnie, spin-tax does good. We're doing well.

Speaking of doing well, I think we did a really well job of sort of gathering a security team for the Wizard Choice Awards. Arnie, they're on standby whenever we want to call them in. Let's bring them in. I think let's have a little meeting to prep for the Wizard Choice Awards, which is, I know you said or you said we can never be sure exactly when it's going to happen, but it seems like it's going happen very very soon. Well my senses tell me that it's going to be happening within the next two six to eight days

Okay, I'd put it somewhere right in that rate. Oh Here comes Momo sprint. Oh sprinting over so fast. I forgot Momo's still big human sized. Hey mama. I'm huge My life is so different. It's so much better. Oh really? Oh my gosh. I was so invisible before. You know that I'm in most- I was in most of your episodes. You guys just weren't listening and didn't see me. Can't not see me now! Momo's- I can't!

I'm jumping in- I'm jumping in front of all of us all. Let's wrestle, let's wrestle, Ernie! Ah! Ah! Punch, punch, punch, punch! Ah! Momo, can I get you a drink from the bar? Maybe a thimble full of dew?

Uh, that's what the old Momo would order. I want a whole bucket of blood, I think. Oh, with absolute pleasure. I want a whole bucket of blood, I think. Oh, with absolute pleasure. Speaking of buckets of blood, Chrome is over there in that trough. Yep, yep. Just reaching my face off in this blood.

Oh, hey, hey, everyone. The giant mouse and I make a pretty great team, huh? Well, I think so I think already the perfect security team, you know now the Wizards Choice Awards could happen at any second It seems like that call lessing it's sometimes shortly in the future, but I need you to be prepared Have we established a venue yet? A venue will probably just appear, but we should have a plan for, you know, how to go on rounds, protect the people coming in and out,

prepare for the blood rain. You know, we should, they'll definitely be people trying to attack us and kill us when there's so many wizards in one place. Wait, is that part of the show or just something that happens? Yeah. Okay.

Well, Momo and I have been going around nimble bottom scouting locations, depending on the size of the crowd. If it's like a small crowd, there's a really nice barn we saw. Tastesful. Tastesful. Tastesful.

There's a nice big tree where you can get photos done. Okay. It's lovely. And if anyone's getting married, I also think it would work for that. Oh, that's nice. That's good to know for the future. I feel like all the scouting you two have done is why I've been hearing so many rumors this week that people think you two are getting married.

Us? Yeah, we're hearing a lot of, well, people are saying, Chromo, some people are saying, Mom, I think Chromo sounds a little bit better. Oh, look. I don't. I don't.

I can see where the confusion is. She's a giant mouse, not a bear. Mm. So I think that you can, but there's a lot of similarities. You wouldn't know, but a mouse blown up to human sizes. Quite bear-like.

I'll go, I'm thinking back to when we've been touring all these places and we keep saying things like, oh my gosh, your mom would love this. I know, and she would. She definitely would. She loves a good venue. She's always been the party planner in the family. Yeah.

We haven't really talked much about your mom, except for the fact that I think she's dead, right? Ah, I hope not. I'm sorry, you're right. True, I haven't called her in a couple of weeks, but I think she's okay. Anyways, boss, we are going to be fine. I've almost been picking fights with people

all over town. I'm getting stronger. I feel like I'm on edge constantly. I'm not sleeping more than two minutes a night. I'm ready to protect you against anything. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and then we're going to run through some scenarios that might come up at the Wizard's Choice Awards. Stop drinking that blood! Hi, it's me, the Grand Poova of Bahambad, the OG Green Grump, the Grinch. From Wondery! Tis the Grinch Holiday Talk Show is a pathetic attempt by the people of O'Vill to use my situation

as a teachable moment. So join me, the Grinch, along with Cindy Luhu, and of course my dog Max every week for this complete waste of time. Listen as I launch a campaign against Christmas cheer, grilling celebrity guests, like chestnuts on an open fire. Now try to get my heart to grow a few sizes, but it's not going to work, honey. Your family will love the show! As you know, I'm famously great with kids.

Follow Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Tiz the Grinch Holiday Talk Show early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus. One Re plus. Oh, I just heard somebody over at the bar saying, Kram and Momo sit in the in the tree. Oh, my God, the trees follow that crash down down. Because you're both so big. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that happens to me every time I climb a tree. Yes. Tree gets ruined. Ha, ha, ha. Do you want me to go say something to you? I'm going to go to the tree. I'm going to go to the tree. I'm going to go to the tree. I'm going to go to the tree. I'm going to go to the tree. I'm going to go Yeah, that happens to me every time I climb a tree.

Mm. Yes. Tree gets ruined. Ha-ha. Do you want me to go say something just to kind of, you know, stamp out these rumors? No, no, but or not. It's okay.

All press is good press. Yeah, I don't mind it. Oh, wait. I don't mind it either. Mom, I see you have a trapper keeper here. Let me see what it says on the tra- No, don't! Shine out!

Momma the Fingarian. Momma the Fingarian.! Momo the Fingarian, Momo the Fingarian, Momo the Fingarian. Who wrote this? It looks like your handwriting. Show yourself. Doesn't matter, Crumples it up, it rubs it into the sky. What are we talking about? What are we doing?

That's a whole nerve. That's a whole nerve. That's still going. How did I do that? Momo's very strong. If you are interested in being a fingering in Momo, lots of people are relocating there, finding that taxes much cheaper,

they can work remotely. It's a great place to relocate. It's so funny. God, I'm so nervous. Oh, mom was playing with her for a while. It did seem funny. Oh, your paw tickles my shoulder. Your paw, tickles my shoulder. Your paw, tickles.

What were we talking about? Security, we have to talk about security. It's very important that you be ready at a moment's notice. Constantly have your cuckles raised and be aware of what's happening around you. Now, here's a scenario. Imagine, should our cockles be raised already? Ah, no, not you. Uh, now here's a scenario. Imagine should our cockles be raised already? Ah, no, and not you. My cockles are almost always raised.

A blemish, I'm a little peckish. Could you bring us some mozzarella ones? Oh, terrible drissa words, you said or what? What? What's up? What's up? If someone's saying their cockles are always raised, don't say I'm a little peckish. Yes. We're all a little peckish, we need some mozzarella wands. Oh, actually that sounds pretty good. Yeah, I don't mind if I do. Can I get in on that?

Yes, enough mozzarella wands for the entire table, plus some grilled overgene for everyone. I'll be back in weeks. Weeks? Ah, no. Imagine a scenario. Where Spintax the Green is just one and a ward and he's accepting it on the stage. But suddenly, Dr. Cold appears out of nowhere teleporting in to the middle of the room, freezing everyone in this path. What do you do?

Youced or was robbed? Spintax the Green should not a one that I wore. Boo! Boo! Boo! Very good, very good. That's exactly correct. Is the problem that Spin-tax's speech is going on too long? Yes, that was the trick question. I don't care if people get frozen. They can unfreeze themselves, they're wizards. Oh, right. Okay.

I would go up and punch whatever wizards talking too long, and then I would punch the cold guy for good measure. Oh, nice answer. I was thinking maybe trap door under the stage, drop the wizard through, and he's talking too long. Well, the problem is, that wasn't funny. It wasn't really a joke.

The problem with that is, Crom, if you put trap doors under wizards, they just float there, and then they laugh at you. Ah, okay, I see. Maybe we could put the trap door above the wizard. Now you're thinking they float up into it. Exactly. I would recommend having one under and one below. Open the one below, they start floating floating and then you open the one above.

Ah! Incredible! I am out of blood. This is gonna be easier than I thought. Lateral play. Give us another scenario. Big sticks of jerky for everyone. I'm pretty sure this guy is way ordered.

I thought we were gonna, my Thriller ones. These are just sticks. Enjoy them. Thank you. Thank you. These are just sticks. Enjoy them. Thank you. Thank you, Mark. This is bark. Best I could do. I'm in the weeds.

Whatever I'm hungry. You should know what is the worst case scenario that could happen at these Wizarding Awards? We're not gonna let that happen. What's like your biggest fear of what goes down? We're the worst thing that ever has happened at a Wizard's Choice Awards. Oh, great. Great point, Arnie. I'm your equal now. We're a Wizard's Choice Awards. Great point, Arnie.

I'm your equal now. We're the same, we're the same size, Arnie. You look at me in the eye. Well, I'd say the worst thing that has ever happened was the time that the Dark Lord appeared and revealed himself for the first time and declared that he would destroy all of food and make everything, oh, and his image, and he just decimated hundreds of waitstaff that had been conjured out of the nail. So that was kind of a wash.

And then I'd say the worst thing that could happen is- So wait, I'm so sorry to interrupt. The dark lord appeared and just destroyed the weight. Stay up. Yeah, just to sort of like flex. Huh? Yikes. Well, because it was the first thing he did,

like, suddenly a gray skinned seven foot tall bean appears and kills all the weight staff, and you're like, what the hell is this part of the show? So suddenly no one's busing tables, you know? Right. And there's just like dirty plates busing tables, you know. Right. And there's just like dirty places. Empty water glasses everywhere. Unbelievable.

Now the worst thing that could happen is we all open our minds at the same time and create a bridge into the Netherrealm. Oof, can I punch my way out of that one? Yeah. Oh, okay. See, all I gotta do is be able to punch and everything's gonna be fine.

I've been teaching Momal a lot about my philosophies of punching and kicking. Yes, yes, of course. And I've been teaching him all about the stuff I'm interested in and we're going for lots of long walks and picnics as business partners, of course, obviously. What are the things you're interested in? Or any, we've been friends for like seven years.

Well, we just don't know since you've grown if like you're interested in grown. Oh, right. I got into pickleball. I know everyone's into pickleball. You're playing with a ball with a ball's pickle. Yeah, just sort of, well now I just do stuff that people can do. Walk down the street, tip my hat at people. It's awesome. Oh, yeah I do like your hat love your hat. Thank you. It's huge because I'm huge Well, I'd say your average size. What what you say to me? What say your average humanoid size? I would say you're huge Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom for one moment. That's not an insult, is it?

What is it? I am so, so cute. You sure? What is? What? Unbelievable. What are you kidding me right now? I'm not.

You just told Momo to her face that she's only average size. Well, I thought she would, I thought I I didn't want to forget about how that sounds to a mouse that's the size of a human. Okay, think about how that sounds. I guess you're right. I think it was an explosion sound in the bathroom. Yeah. Ah!

Hiya! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm back and I am huge, no matter what you say you said or? Well, I was mistaken, you see, I was looking through the bottom of this class, and I thought you were just average sized, but now I see the true...

HUGE! Common mistake, sorry about the bathroom. I'd say you're a real size queen. Thank you, thanks, sorry, blemish. Just a second to go, a bunch of... Orcel and shrapnel. Struck me all over my naked body at high speed, and yet look at me! Look at this body!

Everyone look! Oh, yes, you're coming up! Yeah, nice job! Absolutely fine! No cuts! We're so weird! The thing is, you're definitely, you definitely are cut. It probably just healed real fast because I noticed and I healed you with a spell. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome. I just want to check with everyone else that we're all seeing the same body and saying that it looks fine. No, no. Uh, uh, Krom, it's sort of, sort of like what you're just saying about Momo. I think Blemish really needs to pick me up right now You You whisper that to both of us. We're sitting next to each other. These would I mean momo you're so Used to momo being so small. You don't work in so close to each other. Yeah, momo. Where'd you get that blanket from?

What yeah, that was for me Where'd you get that blanket from? For warp, for from what? Yeah, that was for me. That's a, it's a fur blanket. I gave it to Momo. I thought she would use it to keep warm. Is it a bear skin rug? Yes, well, of course, yeah. Why are the blankets blanket, is it say sort of a bear?

Okay, if you want some of the blanket just ask, you don't have to start pulling it over here. Well, regardless, I do want to see hands, hands, great, thank you. Actually, blemish, could we... I thought Jamie and Sammy were here for a second when you said hands, I got scared. Oh, anybody else just get this first time. Blemish, why don't you, since we're just trying trying to figure out the protocols and everything we're just trying to bond tonight Why don't you grab us around a shot? Please. Yeah Like shots everyone talk all at once Something special top shelf. Oh, it's just me. Oh that backfire

Whatever chonta having top shelf Whatever Chantamming, Top Shell. Oh, we can always be counted upon by doing exactly not what we're asked. I'll do one cup of blood, and I find personally your weird, just figured little body to be pretty cool. I just wrote down, dick, dick, dick, and I'll be right back with whatever the fuck I want. Okay. Oh, all right. Maybe let's run through some more protocols, you said,

or? Oh, Ahni, do you have any scenarios that you want to run through? Okay. So, imagine that you, there's a professor, and he's made a time machine. And just when he's about to get in the time machine, the Libyans come and they're like shooting him,

they shoot him, but you jump in the time machine just in time to go back in time. Yes, your hand is raised. And this professor you said, he's like, what, probably 10 to 12 years older than me? Like a normal HGAP? No, this is like really old professor. Huh, and we're all teenagers.

And we're all teenagers. Okay, well what happens next? Oh, buckle up, because this is great. Let's take a quick break and talk through this entire scenario and we'll be right back. We'll make like a tree and break And so then this old guy says it's not you which your kids and then you have to go into a sequel Great, I love that the third scenario you said is the best scenario And then you have to go into a sequel. Wow. Wow. Great. I love that.

The third scenario you said is the best scenario. Hmm, I mean, that's what you just said already. That is exactly what I just said. Interesting. Okay. Did you all appreciate how perfectly constructed my scenario was? I really, everything paid off.

Yeah, I win pines and then it became the loan pines. So very impressive. If that scenario happens, I don't really want to stop it. I'll be honest. I listen to everyone turn out to be better off in the end anyway. I listen to what Chun said and I went to the very top shelf back in the back of the bar and I got us all shots. Shots for everyone.

Thank you. Thank you. There's a weird smoke coming out of the substance. Hot, hot, hot. These are hot shots. What's this? What's this exactly? Top shelf.

Top shelf. All right, well, top shelf. All right, I guess to the best security team we were able to get on short notice. Top shelf, bottoms up. Hmm, oh, that really. It's like 60% clove Prickles the throat Prickles my tummy

Won't quite go down still kind of pulling in the back of my throat it feels like I'm just constantly choking Just throw it up just throw it up. No, no, no, that's bad luck. That's bad luck the throbsh Just throw it up. No, no, no, no, that's bad luck. That's bad luck. That's rubbish. Huh, you won't be able to throw it up. I didn't throw it up. I don't know what you're doing. You're all drinkin' dough. You said, or what the fuck? Oh, you're doing another scenario. Someone gets possessed and we...

Oh, what do we do? Shit. Um... Punch him? Punch him, I think. Yeah, I think we punch him. I would punch you. Finally, I'm in a body wreck and a mess and I'm power to destroy the entire world. Okay, weird. Anyways, um, uh, do you want to give us a scenario? Yeah, so, okay, let's see. So, here's, here's the thing. It's intermission at the Wizard of Choice Awards, which we all know is the biggest show of the year.

Sometimes it's a concert, sometimes it's a dog catching frisbees. You never know what you're gonna get, right? Here's what I'm gonna say. I should show you the death of you little dog. Whoa, look at that! Whoa, hey, hey! Oh, hey!

Hey! Cut that out! You saw her, ow, ow, ow! Are you sorry, you're a dinosaur? You're literally red. What is going on? This mouse is huge, has it holding my arm back? Oh, he's way stronger than he was before. Kind of.

You should, and usually you should have so much better remembering names, just calling you that this mouse. Yeah, but the breads were like seven years old. If I could reach you human I would tell your heart out and eat it now That voice sounds familiar Yes

The volcano you're then booby What? You said it isn't funny. Well, this is starting to feel a little mean if I'm being perfectly Is he doing a impression of me? Oh, grrr. Oh, no. No, no. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Oh shit. You will control everything that I fucks you. Security team, just a fend off you, Sidor.

Blenish, will you quickly show me what were those drinks were? I could not fend off you, Sidor. Because he and my other whole thing. Oh, I just got chills again. What is Momo doing? She sounds terrible from what I can understand. Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Terrifying and muffled. Momo sounds pretty good to me.

Look at my muscles. Jun, Jun, Jun. Jun, Jun, Jun. Blummish showed me where he got the drinks. This is going to sound crazy. Remember how we were having Mentus the mental merchant suck the dark lords Memories out of blemish on this podcast Well, I think he served those drinks to everybody so everybody the drank the shots

Is gonna think they're the dark Lord. Oh, no. Well luckily it pulled in the back of my throat. I think my trinket is broken. Broken? Broken. Everything's broken. Soon you will too. Oh no, I just not sure if this is emo-chant or the Dark Lord. Before I destroy the entire world, I must eliminate these false Dark Lords. They can only be one. There can only be one. There can only be one. There can only be one.

I would part a darkness. I don't know. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. What are you saying? That one dark lord is so hard to understand. It's hard to talk out of a mess. It kinda...

I don't know. It's better you can out of a mouse. It kinda... I have got it. Now it's better you can only be one dark lord. Look, before we all fight to the death, would we not want to see what it's like to... Kids? Have the... What?

What? What? Who said kids? Who's not being... I was thinking kids, but of course we would both be thinking the same thing. I'm not against it. I was about to suggest the same thing. Yeah.

Okay. Let's all close our eyes. Are we going to do a four-way, so we all of our lips will try to meet or show that you different? Or should we do different pairs of twos? Before we begin, whatever you do, don't fall in love with me. Or no, you don't fall in love with me. No, you don't fall in love with me.

Don't fall in love with me. Forget the whole thing. Forget it. Forget it. To feel like we should be doing something. Forget it. But I can't stop watching this. I'm not sure what they would be to do, except getting on this hot action.

Oh, are you also the Dark Lord? You also the Dark Lord. A fifth player inches the fray. I'm just a pair of hot lips ready for action. I'm back into it. I'm back into it. Let's do it. Yeah, I'm back in.

Well, if we got five, I think we can't. We won't be able to come at it from four sides. Someone will have to come up from underneath. I'll drop from the ceiling. Sold. I could transform us all into, for multi-faced creatures that could all kiss each other at the same time.

Injuries. Injuries. Already helped. John, yeah, what are you okay? Help her. Are you coming out of it? I don't know her. I don't know what you expect me to do to kill you.

I already helped you out. I already killed you. Oh, wow. Oh, girl, girl, girl. Momo, punch something. Why would I punch something that I hold so dear myself All right, is this kiss happening or not Yeah, let me conjure us so that we each have four faces that can all kiss at the same time

They'll be long and weird shaped at the same time. They'll be long and weird shaped. Ehhhh, that's awesome. And then we'll kill each other and make it only B1. Blonish, this is really bad. We have a bunch of people who think they're the Dark Lord, and most of them are actually really powerful in their own way, so we can't let them get out of the tavern and wreak havoc on the rest of the food. Well, you didn't want me on your security detail before, so I didn't get to do any of the scenarios

and now who needs blenish to save their ass. Oh, no, shit. I feel my faces multiply. Feels good. You want to see a magic trick? I'm going to make your lips disappear. No, no, no, no, no. It's a good thing that the Dark Lord is such a narcissist.

Already used a friendship bracer. Call my name. A bunch of... In a stomach. Okay. Gee. No, wait, I have to say your name. I have to say your name.

Name. Chant. Oh, oh, hardy, thank you. That's right. The friendship bracer's make you throw up. You threw up the fluid. Do you feel like it's all out? Yeah, I feel like, yeah, you call my name.

I flew to you and you punch me. Do you think my name is Qing? That's not your name? No, maybe at one point. Anyway, thank you, thank you. Ooh. Oh, that was awful. Wizard dark lord, it's working,

but you're making the four faces on my body all face each other so I can actually have a four-way kiss with just myself. Yeah, everyone try kissing yourself real quick. 10 out of 10, it's all. Okay, I'm going back in, give me a shot. Give me another shot Use your brace or on you said or

Changed use it or? No! Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run.

Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run.

Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh, I'm gonna run. Oh... Oh no! Yeah, it was like a bunch of Dark Lord's having a slumber party. It was super weird. Kiss, kiss, kiss. I dare you to kiss me! Yes, four face, eight-way kiss.

Let's do it. Chant, do you have a pair of friendship braces for Momo and Crab? Eww. Um, this is awkward. I just made him for us there. I couldn't afford it anymore. Yeah. He's repeatedly giving away all his money

in the last several episodes. He's got nothing. Probably takes a couple of weeks to make a new pair. I'd assume if you go to the magical blacksmith, uh, well, I suppose we'll just have to put these two into some sort of, uh of frozen state or living coffin until we can get the dark load out of them. We could try to lock them in the basement. That's where we put all our problems that we don't want to live.

That's a good idea. Not cool. We'll put them in a coffin in the basement. In a coffin? We can't get one big, one big coffin. No, you know what's going to happen if we do that. Separate coffins. Separate coffins, separate coffins. Look, let's just put the coffins down there and if you wanna get in they can.

Is that a good compromise? Well you keep it down, I'm trying to kiss myself. Please. Please, have some respect. I'd like to show you the basement over here, where there are more dark l loads that want to kiss you I love that yeah, but then you'll have to kill them and be the only one who survives Amazing your mom would love this that's my mom wait what are they to be back to themselves sort of?

I don't know I always got in trouble for making out within the basement. From my mom. Let's go down. We'll just keep one foot on the floor at all times. Okay. I can't move. I can't get down the stairs. My foot's stuck on the floor up here.

Well, no. In the basement, leave one foot on the floor. I will magically free it here Okay, magic. There's definitely still some cram in there Serious a little bit better Their minds are fighting back, honey. This is good. Yeah, we'll just work it out of their system It's just memories. It's not really like they've got any power of the dark Lord Guys, the only problem is we don't have a security team for the Wizards Choice Awards now.

Oh, I think you and you and Trump can probably handle it. And... Oh, Maggie, maybe, of course. Thank you. And, uh, Blemish, are you doing anything in the next six day days? Beeping up, getting myself strong. Okay, I think I think the three of you are the new security team Finally the four of us the four of you the four of you sorry. It's just an egg What's it gonna do? No, he means by beefing up. Can I be the quick email? Sure this comes from the patreon and you can join it patreon.com slash magic tavern.

It's very simple. From cookie petals, it says, are you thinking on doing another book club? Are you thinking on doing another book club? Oh, Arnie, we definitely should, right? I feel like the last one was the grape, the grape grapesy, the grape pregnance. I wouldn't imagine this, I believe, as the last one was the grape, grape-grepsy? The grape-grepsy? I wouldn't imagine this, I believe, as the last one. That's what I'm thinking.

That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking.

That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. That's that about? It's kind of like a Tom and Tom Constable.

Oh, my favorite play. Well, if we don't, if the Wizards Choice Awards doesn't happen next week, maybe we do a book club instead. Everyone read the book before next week. Everybody just read every book and be ready for next week. Good idea. Better prepared than stupid? Wait, what is this? I just ran down to the basement. There's a sign here. next week. Good idea. Better prepared than stupid?

Wait, what is this? I just ran down to the basement. There's a sign here. If the coffins are rough and don't come a nuffin, that doesn't mean anything. Okay. And, hey, PS, the coffins are rough. Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. Oh, no, roll play.

He likes it rough. Rough, rough, rough,. He likes it rough. Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough. Rough, rough, rough. They both like it rough. Oh, you said that's what they mean, rough, it. I care rough it. I care rough it. Curiously enough, I start dry-roofing when I try to make sense of the overarching storyline.

I still can't get past how everyone just abandoned the government facility without telling me. How am I supposed to undermine their operations when the communication just isn't there? Weren't they planning some sort of invasion? Did that just get shelved? Like Batgirl? Let me do a quick search while I bang out these credits. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young.

No surprise there. Chunk the talking badger was played by Abel Rafaie, same old, same old. Momo, the human-sized mouse was played by Aaron Keefe. Crom, the thing Gary and was played by Mark Frederick. Blemish was played by a pile of discarded laundry in the corner of a public laundromat that has been there so long the owners don't know whether to keep waiting for someone to claim it

or set it on fire. Wait, that's wrong. Blemish was played by Martin Wilson. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Support us like Dalton R, Yale Mc McHugh, Will Gollyhew, Tyler Stoten, Igor Williams, Stuart Angerer, Liz Campos Frost, Anna Elizabeth Part, Ronin Newman Hammond, Ronin if you're not creating a park out of clone dinosaurs you're wasting our time. Brandon O'Neil, Ben Kreischer, Naomi Hatchman, Cat Latve, and Carlo Silva.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month to learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Neacamp, Matt Young and Adel Ruffai, post-production co-ordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Garrett Schultz. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Leban, Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Okay, search complete.

Thank you Bing. Wait. According to this, a small military strike team already went through the portal to Foon. What? I was supposed to stop that. I'll have to think more on this while trying on all the outfits everyone left behind in their lockers. Hello, Lincoln's homemade Starfleet uniform. uniform. Oh no, coffins! Okay, should we get in one or push them together, make one big coffin? Yeah, let's...we could push them together to see what happens.

Yeah, there's maybe more momo and grom in here than we're letting on, right? Or not? Or no? No, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no. This is totally the dark lore or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I'm the dark, I'm the dark, I'm the dark, black. Oh, yeah, this is the dark lore he's making me get in this coffin. Next to you. You're the first.