Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 2 - Wizardsbane (w/ Kate Welch)

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

A woman staying at the tavern is secretly sometimes a wizard killer.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiFortunata: Kate WelchMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandDeadline article about the Magic Tavern Animated Series!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as Black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcast. What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced,

and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get your podcast. ["The Black History of Black People"] People of Earth, with this second episode of the new season, I guess we're really doing this. First of all, it's not real.

Second, if you haven't heard the news, Hello from the Magic Cavern has partnered with Sam Rockwell, yes, Guy from Galaxy Quest, and Mark Berger's production company to make an animated version of this show. Link to the article in your Earth Entertainment news source, Deadline, in the show notes. Speaking of Deadlines, I'm remembering how we missed hours all those years ago to cast formerly trained voice talent. Ah well, you either die the hero or live long enough to become the framing device. Sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Mecham, the greatest warrior in all of Foon.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the crafty beaver a few blocks away from the Burger King through the dimensional rift that I use to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wanderlost, in the magical land of food. And I am joined, as always, by my co-host.

He's wearing a bag on his head with some holes for some reason. Chunt the talking badger! Bing bong! For some reason, Arnie, It's too. I don't know Be a little more sneaky Laying low look buddy. I get it like we're all trying out some new things also It's kind of a more dangerous time with wizard law But I just like I just love that beautiful badger face. I don't know why you're hiding it away

All right, you know what bag comes off There you go. Oh boy. I gotta say though you your head has been in that bag for a while Your face has looked better. All right You might want to put it back on just until you have a chance to wash up. Okay, this sucks Arnie did you just tell our friend to put a bag on his head? To be clear, first I told my dear friend that I missed his beautiful face and to take the bag off of his head.

Well, I just walked up to the table and I only heard you putting the bag back on his head. So I did that part. And then also, yes, I did tell him to put the bag back on his head, temporarily. Okay, compromise, I use my claws. I cut the bag back on his head temporarily. Okay, compromise. I use my claws. I cut the bag in half. Half a bag on the head.

Oh, you're half in the bag. Okay. Earth people of a certain age and with a drinking problem are loving it. I am also, speaking of being a certain age and having a drinking problem, I'm also joined by my other co certain age and having a drinking problem, I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Avesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarrakas. The elves know me as Feangalic, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Huxtangis, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius may star and lo, I am the tarnished wizard who took away immortality from all other wizards. Indeed, I shall ne'er live down. And you yourself may die. Oh yeah.

Arnie, you're a real fucking bundle of brightness today. What's going on? Are you okay? Look, I'm trying to run this tavern the wanderlust they can move your face looks fucked. You're gonna die What are we doing here? You're beautiful face Temporarily looks fucked It's got well a face great Arnie. You look great. I love you. So All my cards are on the table. We're all great. We're all great.

We're just, we're just trying to fight the wizards of Foon and maybe that's got us a little stressed out, but let's focus on the positivity. We're back doing the podcast with my best buds. I'm so happy to see you. Is there anything you want to catch me up on that you were doing when we weren't recording when we were on break? Yes, I barely saw you for those several months

When we were separated. I was so happy to see Chunt again and Arnie you're here and I was searching all over for mystical artifacts to help protect us in this time of dire danger protect us in this time of dire danger. No, we know that Spintax could be around any corner ruling over his area of food, but ready to murder any one of us. And we know that Tim Tam the Teal could bounce out of a vent or something just to stop murdering people. She could be anywhere anywhere literally, yes. It's a terrifying time to be alive.

So today, this past week, after months and months of researching at the Great Halls of Tarakas, after going through tombs and tombs, tombs and tombs. Tombs and tombs? Sometimes tombs in tombs. Oh, sometimes tombs in tombs Sometimes tombs and tombs. That's right. I found this the Ruby of Galaziel Hmm Arnie not impressed huh interesting. Okay. Well, not surprised why I spent four months doing let me catch you up Arnie Let me catch you up so you can show on my thing. I spent several months in the celestial fields

Arnie the celestial fields is a graveyard of stars And the the great Gordian watches over it all Obviously a giant pumpkin the Gordian and he taught me to fight so I could help in battle so I could be more efficient with my My new war hammer of course star smasher, and I made my starmer. It's a star armor, which is It's a real pain in the ass cuz I put it I sort of I formed it I put it on with the help of the Gordian. I formed it. I put it on I Shapeshift with my fur over it, but what sucks is every time I have to go to the bathroom I have to un-shape shift my fur, take off all the armor, go to the bathroom, put the armor,

but it's just a whole process. Have you ever considered shape shifting your butt? Have you ever considered shape shifting all your parts to be someplace else? So you don't have to take off the armor to go to the bathroom? Arnie, I thought through every option and I came up with the best one So I love that you're I love that you're trying to fix what I did But I'm happy with how it is Arnie. Okay, what's going on, man? I don't know. I'm sorry I think I'm just excited to see you and I express my enthusiasm by

Insulting you but here's the thing if I don't like you I'm nothing but nice to you Well, I like you guys the best of everybody. That's why I'm a total asshole. Do you guys like 24-7? Well, okay Chunt. I kind of agree with it. Yeah, we can't really see the Starmor Does it have any fun catchphrases on it? No, like large please daddy or something something. Or is it just just armor? It's I mean, it's it's so hard to carve into stars like they're just such dense material. It might be difficult for you.

Oh, did you come on? Let me hold on. Let me shift. Arnie, is there something on my armor? Look, look on my back. Is there something written on my armor? Did you sort of write something? Yeah, it says property of usador come on Thank you Ruby of Galaziel It's perfect for carving into stars Yeah, guys have I been in this magical land too long that a giant fucking ruby just doesn't mean anything.

I'm just like, great, giant ruby. It's not just a giant ruby Arnie, it's a mystical giant ruby with the power to carve stars and all sorts of other cool magical shit. Take my little notepad here. Like what's other cool, what's one other cool magical thing it does? I could just shoot a beam of energy like this.

cool magical thing it does. I could just shoot a beam of energy like this. Okay well you just blew a hole in the top of the tavern that's not great. Arnie so much criticism. I can repair it with this magical beam. Arnie what have you been up to? I know you have two swords on your back that you can't seem to pull out. I know like I literally I didn't test them out before I put them on my back Here's the thing. I can't I can't figure out how to unbuckle it. So I can't get them off of my back You're sleeping like that. I'm sleeping These swords Jesus crost I know and then I can't like I cannot pull them Like I cannot pull them out of the top like I can slide them like you can hear just like a little shank

Man I like I feel like I'm just like doing two shake weights on this like above my head Which I don't love that visual no, but I just can't get these that I'm not even certain I tried doing a cartwheel to see if they would fall out Guess what guys can't do a cartwheel. Oh Well, I mean so maybe that would you weren't you weren't really buried in the lead there We knew how that was gonna shock to act shocked Chunt act shocked shocked but guys Please I love you both.

Don't shoot magical holes through the ceiling. We have tenants in the tavern staying in the rooms up there briefly. That's why we are not currently moving from location to location. I know, I love this area. It's such a beautiful, mystical, ethereal forest where the trees are pink and teal and yellow. It's lovely here, but there's such mystical energies floating through the air. I know that even more magical secrets shall be mine. You know what, I'm going to take the mic over to the door.

Just so our listeners can hear this wonderful waterfall. Hmm. Yeah. Okay, now we're back inside where it's just our voices and farts and shit. That's- that's- that's the sort of, uh... Our voice is your farts, Arnie. Hmm, our voice is your farts. You're projecting. Hahaha. Arnie, we should- now that you own this tavern, the- the beautiful Wonderlost,

I think you should make sort of a big sign that says no blank blank blank so like you said no shooting beams through the ceiling that should be on the wall somewhere because we're gonna get all sorts of magical creatures all sorts of mages and I do I do have that one sign behind the bar that says some that wander are in fact lost. And that's a door. That's great. Please keep that. But I'm just saying I was just ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ex- together a con- like, someone's gonna come down here and eat any- Is that like foods from across the continent?

We just have to set out the bare minimum of breakfast for the person staying here. Okay, um, uh, uh, boys, let's get to work. Okay, uh, let's see where this- Chunch, Chunch, Chunch riding around on centipede faster than I've ever seen. Very compote everywhere. Guys, we're fucking just running around not doing anything. Goat meal. Goat meal.

Did anyone else get awoken by somebody saying a wizard's name so loud? Was that just me? I'm so sorry. Oh my god, this place. So loud? Was that just me? I'm so sorry. Oh my god, this place. Ah! A non-Pretzel woman! Excuse me, I'm sorry. What? What's wrong, first of all, what's wrong with your face? Yeah.

Well, he's kind of got half a badger face and half a bag face. He's not the badger we need, but he's the badger we deserve. I see. Great, I salute you. Is this, sorry, Arnie Rice? Yes, yeah, I own this place. I'm also from another world. All right, listen, I just- Not relevant to the conversation we're having.

I'm just gonna throw that in. I desperately need a continental breakfast. Okay, well, we've got some goat meal over here. I didn't hear all the other things that Chunt muttered. But Chunt, actually, why don't you, I'm so sorry, I know, I don't remember you checking in. I thought someone else checked in. What was your name again?

I'm Fortunata. Hello. Pleasure to meet you. Hi, Fortunata. It's very, very nice to meet you guys. Yeah, you probably checked in someone named MemriorWizardsbane. Let me look in the book. Let me look in the book. Yeah, I can't fucking read my own handwriting. So it's I don't know. Yeah, I I suspect big real tall nine feet tall or so

impossibly long beautiful hair sort of ageless face glowing eyes Yeah, the glowing eyes. I mostly remember because I'm tall and so if I notice that someone's tall I'm like shit that person is tall But Arnie you're possibly's tall, I'm like, shit, that person is tall. But Arnie, you're possibly tall. Yes, I am possibly tall. And this woman was impossibly tall. Correct. You said Memrir Wizardsbane?

Yeah, Memrir Wizardsbane. Spelled the usual way. Spelled like it sounds. And Wizardsbane is like a usual way. Spelled like it sounds. And Wizardsbane is like a family name or that's like a title. Oh God, listen, it really sounds like we're getting off on the wrong foot here. I'm Fortunata.

I'm actually- Oh, Fortunata. Yes, please. Have some breakfast, enjoy yourself. Enjoy the hospitality here. I don't have an official job here yet. Oni's running the tavern, but I usually end up doing a lot of the kind of like cleaning and cooking and the busy work.

I see. I'm just realizing, we've all three of us at different times owned a tavern. This is such a dynamic show, isn't it? There's a lot happening at a breakneck pace. Ooh, who's gonna own this one? Oh, please, Fortunata. You didn't ask me if I'd owned a tavern. Fortunata, have you ever owned a tavern? Uh, no, I'm sorry. I was just... I wanted to be a part of the moment.

No, I get it. I get it. Would you like to own a tavern? Is that a dream of yours? Is this one for sale, or...? Well, it's cursed, and Arnie bought it with the curse on it so well I'm not gonna sell it if you tell everybody that uh fortunate let me lay down the full uh spread here oh man is this is this did you guys make this goat meal this is this is really good there's like thank you almost no bones in this. How did you do that? It looks like ground up goat. Is that just ground up goat?

Yeah, goat meal. Goat meal. Yeah, Arnie, it's goat meal. Okay. Is he always like this? Yeah, unfortunately. He's really on one this season. And we're just starting.

So Fortunata, what is this that you're wearing? Oh yeah, so, well, this is sort of my traditional I guess you would call it like a leotard is I never really described my my outfit you know that's the only it's heard I've got sort of this wide metallic belt here and these tights they're actually opaque they they look they look like they're translucent but they're they're opaque tights because they're actually opaque. They look like they're translucent, but they're opaque tights, because it gets cold out there. Some of these boots, flat, sold, very practical.

Very practical. And then of course, here on my back, ah! Ah! Oh! Whoa! Is my sword. Whoa.

That's a gigantic sword. And she had no trouble getting off her back, Arnie. I know. What's your excuse? Yeah. I mean, I have... It was... It's not easy though, is it, Arnie? Like, it's not easy. Yeah, look at these things. Look at... I'm just trying to...

Don't make that hand motion. Stop making that hand motion. It does sort of look like you're shaking a weight behind both shoulders when you do it. It's true. Um... Yeah. like you're shaking away behind both shoulders when you do it. It's true. Yeah, but this blade that you have, Fortunata. Why, it's so beautiful and so ornate. Why, it's jewel-encrusted. I've never seen such a beautiful thing. Thank you. Thank you.

This is called a sword of wizard stabbing. Oh. Yeah, cool. Yeah, and it's a good thing we don't have any wizards around here, right? Yeah, the one that woke you up, flew away. That is so good, man. They can be loud. Yeah, yeah, they can. I guess as I look at this closely, this sword is made of obsidian, which is one of the few things

that kills wizards on contact. Pretty, very rare. Most, I thought most obsidian in Foon was gone. Yeah, this one is actually an extra planar obsidian that Memrir got from the plane of existence where she's from. So yeah, she's, it's kind of her blade and honestly, like, it's messed up that I have to carry it around. But you know, it's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. So are you roommates? Is she upstairs? Is she coming down later? We need to make something for her for breakfast that we should know about? Something poisoned maybe? Yeah, I guess...

Don't be weird about this, but... Hold on, everyone. Before you go on, Arnie, are you going to be weird about this? I mean, yeah, but I'll try to keep it subtly weird. Chunt, are you going to be weird about this? I mean, I'll try not to be. You, S Chunt, are you gonna be weird about this? I mean, I'll try not to be. You store, are you gonna be weird about this? I'm not gonna be weird about it. Okay.

All right, fortune audit. Guys, this is what we say before every episode. Let's not be too much like Pete Holmes. Who's Pete Holmes? Earth people are trying to remember what I'm talking about. Great, Arnie, now you made it weird. Arnie's from another world, you see,

and so he has all this knowledge of things that we don't know about, but there's people on his world, they find these little bone motes just hilarious and insightful. Can you imagine having a home made out of peat? It would go up in flame weekly. Instantly, yeah. A peat home?

That would be... I wouldn't pay for that. Ridiculous. Maybe a peat apartment, but... Sorry, Fortunata, we're not going to make it in here. Please. Yeah, please. I just wanted to get a real sign in before you moved on.

Thank you. Appreciate that. The thing is, if I say a phrase, which I would never say, of course, not around you guys. Ooh, a game. We're pretty catchphrase positive around here, I've got to be honest. The thing is, when I say the phrase, I kind of transform into Memrior Wizard's Bane. And then she gets, she's sort of like in control of my body that's nine feet taller and weighs about 150 pounds more of pure muscle. And she's like, she's like really into stabbing wizards.

So I just, I just feel like that again, so glad, so glad there's no wizards here Arnie you sir I see what's going on here. She's a cock tickler, you know, like they get into a role They memorize lines, you know, it's like if I was like my name is John But when I put on this hat mustache, I'm a captain Fandango like it's that kind of thing, right? One I want to see more of that captain Fandango play later We gotta get a spin off of how many episodes can Captain Fandango do for the Patreon, do you think? I don't think he's interested. Oh, do I have actually heard of this sort of thing before? Fortunata, I must ask, is this.

Do you switch places or do you actually transform? Do you take on extra mass from some sort of pocket universe that makes you bigger and stronger? Or is Memrir just sitting on another plane of existence right now, kind of waiting to get out? Are you two totally separate beings or? Amazing question, thank you for asking. It used to be that we were separate beings,

but now we've completely merged. And so Memrir kind of gets to take over my life about 12 hours a day. And so it's not, I wouldn't call it like, I wouldn't call it a healthy relationship necessarily. But it's just if I say the phrase, you know? We don't have to say that. We don't have to, right?

It seems like we're within your control to not say that phrase, unless it's some sort of very common phrase, like, oh, my pants are on fire, or something like that. Sure. No, like something you'd say every day. No, you definitely don't want that. Right.

Speaking of which, Ysidor, your pants are on fire. Oh, my pants are on fire. Oh, my pants are on fire! Ooh, the phrase is, let's take a break, is it, Fortunata? I don't think so. I can try it. Well, let's go ahead and go to break. Fortunata, throw us the break. Let's take a break. Ah, we're good.

No, it's good. We're fine. We're fine. Ah, we're good. No, it's good. We're fine, we're fine. Phew, phew. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, grownups. The Cat in the Hat cast is a new podcast from Wondry, perfect for the whole family. Join the Cat in the Hat and your favorite Dr. Seuss characters as they get whisked away on a new adventure every week. Fish dreams of creating his very own polite and quiet podcast. That is until he gets a surprise visit to his Fishbowl podcast studio from the Cat in the Hat himself,

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We're your hosts. I'm Alina Urquhart. And I'm Ash Kelly. And our show is part true crime, part spooky, and part comedy. The stories we cover are well researched. He claimed and confessed to officially killing up to 28 people. With a touch of humor. I'd just like to go ahead and say that if there's no band called malevolent deity That is pretty great a dash of sarcasm and just garnished a bit with a little bit of cursing this mother

Lied like a liar like a liar And if you're a weirdo like us and love to cozy up to a creepy tale of the paranormal or you love to hop in the way Back machine and dissect The details of some of history's most notorious crimes You should tune in to our podcast morbid follow morbid on the wonder yet or wherever you get your podcasts You can listen to episodes early and ad free by joining wonder E plus and the wonder E app or on Apple podcasts Fortunata, I have to ask, what brings you to this area? What is the, what is the invocation? Well, thank you again for asking.

God, you're so nice. This is such a, I love this tavern already. This like this vibe, this, and you got to pay this janitor more like whatever, whatever you're paying him. Wow. Incredible. Just an old janitor. Just a random old janitor more like whatever whatever you're paying now wow incredible just an old janitor just a random old janitor i and so i live in uh in this this encampment out in the enchanted forest um you guys may have appreciated the waterfall most people do um the audio of it obviously

because it's not it's not entirely visible i'm gonna go over just hold on just one second i'm gonna go open this door arnie just honey. Just sort of listeners. I mean So much better than the talking and farts going on in here All right, we have to figure out how to rein in these farts. What are you eating? I'm so so I'm sorry. No, it's those far. Those are those are Arnie's farts. Is he up? Does he always do that? It's not well, it's not all she've gotten worse lately. Wait a minute. Oh, whoa after she said those are Arnie's farts is he up does he always do that? It's not well. It's not all should have gotten worse lately wait a minute Oh, whoa after she said those are Arnie's farts. What's going on? She's growing Our hair is getting longer

Her catchphrase is those are Arnie's farts? Hello! Hello. Hello! Goodness gracious, look at you four- Look at the tiny little badger! What is wrong with your face, little badger? Uh, sorry ma'am, I'm wearing half a mask, ma'am. That's true, you are, but the other half of your face is very well smashed down. Wow. Yeah. Does anyone have a continental breakfast available?

Yes, there's goat meal and all sorts of fruits and berries. Oh, God, I hate goat meal. Give me some berries, I suppose. Well, yeah. Guys, guys, guys, just a second. I know this is a minor detail, but should I charge her for two continental breakfasts? Yes, absolutely. Yes. She's staying in a room as one person, but she's eating two separate continental breakfasts.

And here's the thing, if they don't kind of talk to each other, charge them twice for the room. Oh shit, you're right. Yes, absolutely. Uh, would you like a roasted egg? Roasted egg? By all means toss it up here. Here you go shell on and everything. The roasting actually brings quite a lot of flavor to the shell. Yeah well she ate that did-how? Maybe she's casting a spell.

You're rude, you're being rude. Uh, oh, ma'am, well. Her face is so far away, she can't hear anything. I can hear all of it. Oh, fuck. Well, what was your name again? Mem-mem-mem? Mem-re-wizardsbane.

We met your compatriot, Fortunata, and she let us know that you were staying here. So I'm hoping that, well, I just wonder what brings you to the area. What did Fortunata say about me? That bitch lies a lot. She said that you were very becoming and beguiling and charming in your own way.

No, actually I found this burn tome on the table here. Let's flip through here. Ooh, that's pretty nasty. That's pretty rude. What does it say? I don't wanna read it, ma'am. Here, I'll, let me try and jump up so you can grab the burn tome. You reach all the way down. Goodness, you're an exceptionally small badger.

Did- this is- this is in Fortunata's handwriting. Damn. Damn, she says some really rough shit about me in here. What is- what are some of the sweetest burns? If you don't mind. The sweetest burns. She says she couldn't bane a wizard out of a paper bag. Oh. Burn.

It's terrible. Well, anyway, I'm here. Yeah, can I take a look? Oh, you want to see the burn book? Yeah, can I take a look? Of course, of course. Here, take it. Oh, my back.

Oh, nine foot nine inches. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Oh, my back. Yeah, can I take a look? Yeah, can I take a look? Oh, nine foot bitch be eating clouds all day? Pretty good. It seems like a weak one to me, I'm gonna be honest. It's not my favorite. Chunt, here, take a look.

Okay, let's... Oh, another? Sure. Read it out. This bitch's face be covered in crushed birds flying into her face? I mean, I guess. She's really got a thing about how tall you are, I guess. Yeah.

And I... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Those are not my words. I found... It says here, she keeps pooping on my roof. That was one time. Oh, so that really happened. That's just a.

So wait, you poop standing up, is that right? Well, it's a small roof. OK, so harder to aim. Very hard to aim. It was an accident. I was walking. Listen, we don't. What were you trying to aim? Very hard to aim. It was an accident. I was walking up. Listen, we don't- What were you trying to prove?

I'm not comfortable answering that question. Okay, fair. I retract that question. Listen, this conversation has been absolutely wonderful for me, but I have a job to do. You can tell probably by my name. I am on the trail of an especially foul wizard. Oh, Spintax the Green.

It is Spintax the Green. Oh. Ooh. And to be clear, it's not Usador the Blue. Usador the Blue. No, he's a little below my attention at the moment. OK, well, I mean, he's done a lot of pretty amazing and impressive things. OK, shut up, Janitor.

You know, even a lonely Janitor like me knows that Ysador's... Mop mop mop all day long, OK. Excuse me, Janitor boy. Is that the Ruby of Galaziel in your hand? Oh, yeah. I found this in the ethereal forest and I was just gonna I was gonna take it back to the encampment there. I figured one of the you know, the stalwart and mighty heroes there might use it for you know, all sorts of mystical fun.

Nice. Because I can't use it. Just a janitor. This was my question for you see, none can even wield it. But for wizard kind. Well, I mean, it depends on your definition of the word wield. I'm holding it. Is that wielding it? I don't think it's exactly wielding it. I can hold a sword.

I don't know, I'm not necessarily wielding the sword. It really, I think the word wield, it has some, it kind of implies prowess. Holding, holding's just like, Arnie, hold this beer. He dropped it. All right. I thought it was a meme if you were to what up someone you might say Hey wield this ruby Is that is that right

This janitor makes a good point. He's holding that ruby like a real idiot who doesn't know what he's doing with it Oh look at me. Oh We cut his hand he cut his hand real bad. Oh my yeah what he's doing with it. Oh, look at me. Oh, he cut his hand. He cut his hand real bad. Ow, my hand. Didn't he? Yeah, didn't he? Look at it bleeding.

Oh, there's that normal blood. That's true. This is clearly an idiot. Don't fight, Bob. Junitor. Okay. Anyway, this evil spin tax, and while I'm at it, this used to do the blue. It's better to be rid of these wizards, don't you think?

I agree mostly completely. I mean, look, the wizard law being instituted and the wizards are really making everything worse and for everybody. It's a good probably a good time to be a wizard killer. Is that what inspired you to become a wizard killer? Like the fact that the wizards took over various pieces of land in Foon and now rule over them with an iron fist? Or have you always been a wizard killer? In my dimension, wizards have always been evil and also just annoying.

And so it has always been a pleasure to me. I was named, I was dubbed Wizard's Bane at my birth because I had the look of someone who would extinguish wizards from the land. When I heard about wizard law, I knew, I knew that this was my opportunity to seize a willing host and do my own brand of vengeance. Wow, so you're saying wizard law summoned you into this dimension?

Yes, yes. Well, the news spreads fast, you know. We heard about it in my dimension They always say extinguish what you hate and you'll never work a day in your life They do Yes, you have any resentment about that naming thing. I really really put you in a box You know, it is a bold move to be like look at this baby's face wizard killer. I Memory like what are your dreams? What did you want to be?

What everyone else is telling you you have to be this it's we're literally naming you it maybe that maybe you want to be a poet or a Janitor No one has ever asked me this question lowly idiot janitor. No one has ever asked me this question. Lowly, idiot janitor. I've never thought about it. I could be a poet's bane. Yeah. I could be,

I could be a badger's bane. Yeah, yeah. Oh, look out. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh're strong, you're strong, you're strong. Do you have any baby paintings by any chance of you as a baby? Oh, is this one of your baby paintings? Let me open this. In the burn book, oh, she put one in the burn book, did she?

This bitch husband a tree? Oh, that's not, sorry, that's not a picture. Does that even make sense? This bitch husband a tree? She wrote that? Yousador, stop carving that into the starmer You know memory perhaps What what possessed you to possess?

Fortunata of all people why didn't you just Open a portal to this plane and enter fully formed the way I did to this plane and enter fully formed the way I did. Oh well. I'm not joking of course. I mean that's just how I talk about my moms. Got it. Right. Yes, of course, the birthing process that normal mammals go through.

Yes. Yep. Totally normal mammal. That's me. Normal mammal. Little normal mammal. You don't mind if I call you that, do you? No, please.

No, all three of us were just little normal mammals, Arnie. We're all, let's say it together, one, two, three. Little normal mammals. Well, when you say it in unison, it's true. That's one of the rules of food. Um, no, I forgot the question. Ask it again, sorry, little mammal. What did you say? Oh, just why Fortunata? Why did you choose to possess her form? Well, it's mostly because you've met her. She's a little, she's kind of a little wiener.

It's very easy, very easy to possess someone who's just kind of a little wiener. If there's a sentence I can identify with is, it's easy to possess a little wiener. Arnie, no. Ha ha ha! I'm sort of seeing Fortunato's point of view here with this burn book. Uh, if you just think she's a little wiener, essentially you're the same person on some level. Perhaps you need to like deal with these issues, go to therapy, put wizard killing aside for a year or ten, and just focus on, you know, yourself. Focus on that work.

I don't wish to go to therapy. Okay. Whoa! Fortunata! Fortunata! Hey, let me help you up off the floor here. Are you okay? Woah... Woah, wait. This... Did you guys...

What's going on with my burn book? Woah, what the fuck? Guys, it's turned over. And now if we open it this way, look at this! It's a burn book by Fortunata now. What does she say? What does it say? And now if we open it this way, look at this. To burn but not Fortunata now. Is that about me? Yes. Yeah. What did she say?

What did she say? What did she say? What does it say? How is it possible that the two of you haven't found the other side of this book that each other's writing? It exists in different dimensions. Oh, okay.

Each page is a, don't worry about it. Chunt read one or two. This bitch passed through a door in a normal way. That is so mean. Does she call me a little mammal? Did she write that down? Yeah. Yeah.

Hashtag little mammal. Hashtag little wiener. Hashtag Arnie farts. Hashtag Arnie farts? Is that what that smell is? Oh no. That one was a little delayed. Chunt. Is that what that smell is? Oh no! That one was a little delayed.

Chunt! What happened? I think your egg the egg you crunched on earlier I think it caused you to get sick. That was a good crunchy egg though. Arnie, you sure, what was the phrase that turned her back into Fortunata?

I don't know! The book changed back again, this is crazy. This is weird! This bitch is obsessed with hashtags? It's normal for a woman to change into a much larger powerful woman, but for a book? For a book, Arnie? Yeah.

What is going on? Wow, Chunt. That's really? Whatever think word against books would be My braces That's it lie braces wait am I a lie braces yeah for sure be a lie braces Yeah, I'm not no I love all books. No, you are No, I know the books are great

Well Memoria judge them never judge. I just think that you know Killing wizards is an important thing to do, especially if you start with spin-tags But at some point there are only so many wizards like what are you gonna do after that? Who is the real Memreer? The real Memreer. Never got to find out who the real Memreer was. Right. And who knows, maybe... I mean, it's crazy to think, but...

Perhaps I could have been a great wizard myself. Oh. Well, eh, well, you couldn't be a wizard. Wizards are born in this world from the conspiracy of bird, wind, and rain fire that insist there be a champion that come forth into the world to protect us from all evil. Oh, I see some orange juice on the floor over there, buddy. Why don't you clean that up? Let's take a quick break and, um, alright, we gotta remember that phrase for F Fortuna and we'll be right back with more books that we love Let me kiss all the books. I love books Welcome to Pura the most pristine safe

climate stable city on Earth a haven amidst the wreckage Here you're safe from heat domes A stable city on Earth. A haven amidst the wreckage. Help me! Here, you're safe from heat domes, super storms, water bandits in the Outerlands. Run! There's no crime in Pura. No murder, no suicide. And best of all, there's no cost to join us.

In Pura, we promised to keep you safe. They killed her! You took everything! In a world that doesn't feel so safe anymore. We're waiting for you. Here, Impira. The Last City is a new scripted audio drama from Wondery. Enjoy The Last City on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of The Last City right now, ad free on Wondery+. Get started with your free trial at Wondery.com. Hey, it's Guy Raz here, the host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you a front row seat to how some of the biggest products were built, and the innovators, entrepreneurs, and idealists behind them. Every week I speak to someone new. Stories like Justin Wolverton's, a lawyer who just wanted a healthy alternative to ice cream, so he created Halo Top in his Cuisinart. Or Todd Graves, who grew his fried chicken restaurant Raising Canes into one of the most successful fast food chains in the US.

All of these great conversations can help you learn how to think big, take risks, and navigate crises in life and work from people who've done all of that and more. Follow How I Built This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to How I built this early and add free right now on Wondery Plus. Are you having, are you having more dairy? I don't know. Ernie, is it like a-

We have to get this under control. Is it a temperature thing? What's going on? Do we need to get you a second butthole like us? I think it might be because I have to sleep on my stomach because of these swords. It's just not good for my digestion. Yeah. Has anyone else tried pulling the swords out? Should we do that? Or should we wait a few weeks?

I could get those swords out. No problem. Oh, it's a trick. It's like a pull my finger, but pull my sword. Don't do it. Don't do it. Arnie, do you want Memmrior to try to pull out the sword? I need consent. Yeah, I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah Just try not to break my sword I'll do my best little mammal They're really in here, aren't they? Oh my goodness. Okay. Oh.

Is it possible that I bought prank swords? Like they're not even real? I was just about to ask. Did you buy these like joke swords from Elasto? Elasto? Yeah, he's the little. Elasto, the guy who runs the joke shop? Oh, is that?

I thought that was the magic tinkerer shop. That's a joke shop? No, it's a joke shop. Oh is that I thought that was the magic tinkerer shop that's a joke shop? No it's a joke shop. I gotta remember to read things. Yeah that's why they have all those jokes there. Memoria I just wanted you to I just found this book randomly I thought. Oh nice oh hell yeah look at this everyone look look look. Take it easy, you're really gilding the lily. Okay. Here, Memmriah, I just thought maybe this book would be, you know, interesting to you. It's a self-help book, it's called Better You, Better Me, Better Us, Better Everyone.

That's a long title. Does that seem interesting to you? Is it like a thing you'd want to read? Before you, you know... If you're trying to get me to go to therapy, I don't want to go to therapy. Whoa! Whoa! My god.

Are you gonna throw up? Fortunata. Yes. Fortunata. What? Jesus, that book changed again. I don't want to hear any more of them, she's so mean. There is a way that we can help you.

We believe we have discovered the phrase that churns memoria back into you, Fortunata. And that is I don't want to go to therapy. You have to really get into therapy. You have to be kind of obnoxious about it. You have to talk about it too much. You have to have a lot of self-help books around because that might trigger her unintentionally. Like, like if people are just having a conversation at a party where there's

talking about maybe a play they've seen or something, you'd be like, well, my therapist, blah, blah, blah, make sure to bring it up a lot because that way just the conversation around you was kind of always about therapy. That's absolutely terrific. Have you, have you guys figured out what my trigger phrases to turn into hers so I can stop saying it? Oh, um... I'd rather not say. Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of embarrassing. We do know. Wow. And honestly, it's a fucking miracle you ever said it before you showed up here today, to be perfectly honest. Really? Yeah. It must come up a lot.

I don't know. I guess so. But that matters not. People just traveling all around food? Is everyone around all around food talking about my farts? You're not the only Arnie, okay? You aren't one, yes, one, you aren't the only Arnie. Two, maybe because they're pretty bad.

That's why we're looking at what's in your diet right now. Are you drinking a lot of coffee? Do you know how many toilet stalls I went into to take off my starboard and do my business? And there's, yeah, it was 12, what the fuck? And there was Arnie Farts carved into the stalls. Oh no. For a good time.

Wait, so it's Arnie Farts the phrase? Whoa! Whoa! I could get used to this. This is pretty fun, actually. Memre, I used to this. This is pretty fun, actually. I memory I have to know I know that I don't exactly see I with you and as a lowly janitor, it's not my place to decide. Well, you're like five foot two, so it would be very difficult to see eye to eye with me.

I'm five eleven. All right. Oh, online perhaps. That just means if you stand on a line that's very thick that you would gain nine inches in height. Now, I have to know, this sword, the sword came with you from your dimension. Is it solely for the purpose of killing wizards? It's so beautiful and ornate and all these all these jewels encrusted into it. What was that? Oh is its purpose? Oh, no, no, no, it's much in its history has to do a lot with you know saving the world and being heroic and and and defending and

Protecting the innocent and so forth. Yes, it's been most of its history there. Yes Well, why don't you follow that path then and join mine quest to defeat to clean to clean everything? Clean all the feet marks feet all its Feet leave the marks on the floor and we have to clean them with the mop. Yeah. Okay. All right, buddy. Hey, why don't you do that math problem over there. Arnie, let's... Oh, before I go do the math problem,

I just wanted to point out on the continental breakfast, we do have some wonderful apples. How do you like these apples? They're gonna be delicious. They look terrific, yes. Don't slam them up against my face. Just what are, yes. Don't slam a little against my face. Just, what are you doing? Stop slamming it up against my face.

How do you like these apples? They're good, they're fine. John. Fuck. Yeah. So, our main mission right now is to defeat the wizards. I think memory could be a tool in helping us to kill the wizards. We just want to try to

Keep her from killing you Sidor, right? Yes. Yeah, that's right. So let's give her do we have like a something that could sniff out spin tax like some I Don't know like some sort of spin tax sniffing device or a pic or a picture a picture Huh, I should have why did I go? Spinx sniffing device I should have well with picture a picture of spin. Thanks. Yeah, oh seven was the answer Memoria Yes, who gave you the name wizards being was it your birth parents or were you? He may be separated from those heroic parents

and that beautiful, who gave you that beautiful sword? I was, I was created whole set. And it was, I don't know that I had a normal little mammalian type of birth. I was created of stardust and rainbows and unicorn wishes and so forth yes yeah oh i really want to shanon come here come here yeah janitor i have to get memory to join my quest usador i hate i hate that i'm gonna ask this please do you have any kind of spin tech sniffing device

Do you have any kind of spin tax sniffing device? Sniffing device like a device that would sniff out or picture or belly. Yep. Yeah, that's the way Yeah, you're right. Do you have a picture of spin tax that we could give to memory? I don't have any pictures of spin tax. I have a I have this spin tax sniffing device And I've got okay. Well, yeah, well, do you in a pinch that'll work? I've got this spin tax compass and I've got this spin tax air horn that like works like a radar so if you point it at his direction it bounces back faster it's kind of like kind of like a echo location thing, I know you and Spintax were buddies back in the day, but we can try to send Memrir off to kill Spintax. It's kind of come to that, I think.

Oh, well. I suppose, I suppose I'm already a traitor to all of wizardkind, that I'll never be accepted back fully into our ranks. And my only hope for redemption is that the goddesses shall understand the steps that I took extreme, though they were, were the necessary steps to protect food. So fine. Memrir shall unknowingly be our agent of chaos and hopefully take out my old frenemy, Spintax. Here. Also give her this. It's a rock that you can type a number into.

And Spintax has the other one. We could just call these beeper rocks. Spintax and I used to have these beepers and we would just be like, you know, SOS or H-E-L-P, you know, when we were back when we were good friends. I assume you still have some. Back when you were drug dealers? What? I'm still a drug dealer. Okay, so that's 25 gold for your room

and of course, 25 gold for your friend's room. 50, oh, okay. She's not my friend. Don't forget about the upcharge for the breakfast. Oh, yes. We have two continental breakfasts. Okay, so that will be 72 gold. 72 gold.

All right. Food is just as expensive as everyone says it is. Ka-ching! Bag of gold for you. And Memrior, I hate that I'm going to say this, but here's a Spintax sniffing device that will help you find one of the most powerful and killable wizards in all of Fune. And here's a Spintax compass and... Why is it spelled like that?

I don't know. Good luck. Maybe don't use that one. Maybe just use the sniffing device. Do I sniff it or what is it? How does this work? I think that's a good question. The janitor understands it. You put it on your nose and you take a big whiff

and it'll kind of point you, it sort of turns you into a dog that can only smell spintax. And speaking of putting it on your nose... Mustache... Hat... Hey kids, Captain Fandango here to tell you It's not okay to be lib-racist. It's in a book, so take a look.

Don't be lib-racist. Thanks kids! Yay! You've been listening to Hello from the Magic Tavern, as a way of building up your immune system against all quality levels of entertainment. Usurper the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Fortunata and Memoriour Wizardsbane were both played by special guest Kate Welch. Kate plays Rosie B. Stinger in Acquisition Incorporated to the C-Team.

Check out her fantasy-inspired whiskey label, Quests End, at questendwhiskey.com. Quests End, hmm... A framing device can dream. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Ryan Phantom, Arthur Chase, Jacob Hand, John E. Buiss III, Bast Lanz, Christopher Clifford Johnson, Corey Chiochio, Tom Stevo from Cowlumbus, Ohio, Robert R. Roberts III, Channy Bear and Toytel, Manaz, Chris, Aaron Stike, Chris the Microscoop,

Joey, Badger McCullough, Josh Eby, and Sean Reynolds. Patrons will be able to serve as producers for the animated series. That might be a promise I can't keep, and indeed will make a lot of people incandescent with anger, but I'm going to commit to it anyway. Each of you will get an office, a folding chair on set with your name on the back, the whole Hollywood treatment. Yes, even you, Chris the Microscoop. Now, don't quote me, but also, you know, quote me.

You'll also get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalogue, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Currently, the Patreon is running new episodes for season 4 of Offices and Bosses. Here's a clip of the most recent episode, with Erin Keith, Olivia Nielsen, and Bill Arnett. Ever been to that GNC? What does that stand for?

The GNC? Oh, I've swam in the GNC before. Yeah. Oh, I think that's for the GNC? Oh, I've swam in the GNC before yeah Oh, I think that's the and GNC and G G and C was this the same thing GNC filled with protein Oh, it's just an ocean a sea filled with protein Wow Yeah, just yeah the GNC you guys see metamorph keeps pointing in the direction of the sea But he's kind of like flexing his arm as he's pointing left and right, deciding which direction.

Yes, I've also noticed his brow is very sweaty and he keeps pulling his shirt up to wipe his head off. This seems like there's gotta be an easier way to do that. But I can see his abs, his amazing abs. Is anyone else seeing him in slow motion? Absolutely. And I have to apologize, I spilled some oil on my chest. Oh my god. Earlier. What a mess. I decided to just rub it in. Rather than try to apologize. I spilled some oil on my chest earlier.

What a mess, trigger warning. Rather than try to wipe it up, I'll just rub it in. It's black oil. It is black oil. It's not like baby oil. It's like tar. It's like what they wash off ducks. And there's more, although I can't promise any greater

level of resolution. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Want to support the show in some way besides joining the patreon? Give us a review on your podcatcher, post about us on social media, or bring us up in conversation with friends and family and watch the light drain from their eyes. We're not proud. Every little bit helps. Hello from the magic Tavern is produced by

Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Havreman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.