Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 3 - Dwarf Bard (w/ Taran Killam)

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

MC G.P. is a boisterous dwarf making rhythmic beats. Make some noise!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMC GP: Taran KillamMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Benji KayMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandDeadline article about the Magic Tavern Animated Series!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and dynamic as black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths, wherever you get your podcast. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. You may find yourself drawn into its realistic portrayal of otherworldly creatures in alternate dimensions against all odds, but I'm here to say if this were genuine documentation of a parallel reality, I think we'd be a little higher up on Vulture's 10 podcasts

we're loving right now list. So sit back, put all that deductive reasoning aside, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Nechamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift, and I used that to upload a podcast here in the tavern The Wanderlost on the road to North Eastia in

the magical land of Foon. And I am joined as always by my co-host Chum the Talking Badger. Oh yeah baby! How you doing bud? I'm doing good you know I am I'm feeling good I'm feeling strong I don't know if you've noticed but the starmer that I had under my fur yeah I started sort of shape-shift away some of my fur so the starmer shows yeah that looks a little cooler and also it just kind of helps let people know Stay the fuck away, you know, it's true. You know, if you've got magical armor made of stars

You don't want to hide it under your natural badger body. Also, yes, yes, yes Yes, you know you want people to do Fan art you want the fan art to really represent that there's been a change. Oh, I didn't even think about that I'm just trying to be a bit of a bad boy So I guess I don't really care about the fan art to really represent that there's been a change. Oh, I didn't even think about that I'm just trying to be a bit of a bad boy So I guess I don't really care about the fan art takes out a little cigarette lights it you don't want the fan art to remain Evergreen no you can't look we've got we've had nine years of evergreen fan art now It's time for new fan art where chants got a bag on his head with holes for his eyes I've got these two swords on my back that I can't seem to ever get out of the...

Stop doing that with your hands. Yeah, I'm just trying to pull these out. I'm just trying to pull the... And Ysador, you've got a hole. And I'm so sorry, my other co-host, Ysador the Blue. I am Ysador, a wizard of the 12th realm of aphesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarrakas.

The elves know me as Fianyalluk. The dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstanges. And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasvanius Maestah. And lo, it is my burden that I have caused the wizards to no longer be immortal. Oh yeah, and I've kind of got a new look too. I've got some armor pieces,

and I'm wearing this kind of helm with a hood instead of my hat. That's fun, right? It's not a contest. Yeah, well, you gotta protect yourself. You're no longer immortal. You could die. That's right.

You could die for real. No longer shall I arise. Should I be stabbed through the heart or set aflame? Emoliate me and I shall not live. Yeah, I could most certainly die at any moment now Ernie will you meet me under the table? Sure. Yeah, of course. I'll stay up here. Yeah, okay This is this is our first time under this table. I did

What a weird there's not just a bunch of weird shit stuck to the bottom of the table yet Yeah Oh, I was thinking, you know, the whole reason I went to the celestial fields and gotten better at fighting like I was trained by the great Gordian was because... Who's the giant pumpkin, right? Giant pumpkin. ...is because I want to help protect Usador now that he's vulnerable. I feel like we have to really look after him, right?

Buddy, I hear you 100%. Now that Usador can die, it's up to us to step up. We got to be the adults now Yeah, we can't just always live under his immortal protection. We have to step up We have to we have to step up to the challenge, right? Yes step up to the streets We're gonna be dance battling anybody that tries to come after you. So exactly wait, Arnie There's another pair of legs do you see those legs over there who's that oh there's you sit or its legs there's another pair of lakes and maybe someone else sitting at our podcasting

table there's maybe a little bit more than legs that I see from another table let's hop back up hello greetings hello Whoa, brethrens, make some noise! Oh, woo! Huzzah! Get your hands up! Get your hands up! One, one, two! Oh, is this a robbery? No, no, no! We're here for Merriment! And reveries! And celebration!

Wow! Excellent! The magic of Tipos! I love Merriment and reveries. Uh, friend, can I get you a drink? Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Gladly! I'll take a drink. I'll take a big ol' pint of mead if you don't mind. Ah, meads for the entire table. I'll be right back. I like the cut of your gin.

And Ysidor, be careful. Ysidor, don't slip and fall and die. Oh, here, here, his robe got caught on my stool. Ah, shit, we gotta watch for stuff like that, don't we? Oh no die. Oh, here, here, his robe got caught on my stool. Oh shit, we gotta watch for stuff like that, Arnie. Oh no, everyone can see my sexy legs now. It's got some damn fine legs. I'm sad they were under the table.

Had I seen them before, I would have approached sooner. So, uh, energetic stranger, uh, my, hi, hello, I'm Arnie Meekamp, I'm from another world. Arnie, pleasure to meet ya. And'm Arnie knee camp. I'm from another world I don't need pleasure to meet ya and and who may ask are you names golden? golden golden del polgar But those who know call me MCGP MCGP, huh? Make some noise GP huh make some noise

Arnie I don't I don't know why I love being prompted to make noise. I know it's so it's fun I spent so much time being like don't make noise. Don't make noise. It's nice to have that release valve. Yes This is I've sort of noticed I was taken back a bit when I came into this tavern because the ambient noise is very Mellow actually. Yeah, thank you. Like I hear muttering, I hear light chuffs, but you don't hear a ton of activity in the background. Yeah, we gotta liven this place up a little bit. Can I ask, and you just seem to be someone that understands bringing a fun energy to a place, what kind of noises would you use to make this a better place?

Well what I do, you're looking at the world's first, our realms first, what I like to call rhythmic rhyming bard. Oh. Who? RRB? Or R and RB? RR and B. We'll figure it out. MCGP with the RRB, that's me you see, and don't be afraid to go free free because I'm here casting spells, feeling the room with heat like hell, spitting off flames, Don't be lame, cause my type of bard magic makes it insane! Wow! Fuck me, Arnie, that was amazing! Arnie, did you see what my body was doing? My neck went nuts!

That's right, it makes a head bang! Ah, here, mead's for the entire table. My treat. Ah, you're a good lad, sexy legs. Thank you, thank you very much. I couldn't help but overhear you making a rhythmic and rhyming song from across the room, why everyone turned their heads and couldn't help but bounce along with your wonderful beats. Thank you, I appreciate that's what I'm doing I'm sort of traveling traveling around trying to get the word up like hey you like rhythmic rhyming beats take a take a listen to this and

Then and then I never like to repeat myself though sure and that's been a bit of a wee problem in my business model Sure. Yeah, so you're just like constantly improvising your beats I'm just I'm just spitting out free rhymes look at sexy legs pulling up the dregs Putting down a paint gonna put it in my belly Giving me hydration in my mouth nation sipping it down till I get giving me hydration in my mouth nation, sipping it down till I get unfrustrating.

Oh yeah, and holy shit. So MC GD, I have to ask, you mentioned a mouth nation. Do you have like a colony of things living in your mouth? Oh, I was cursed by a goblin sorcerer. Oh. And I've got this whole, I've got this whole little culture of, of we, you know, they're not even pixies, they're smaller than that, you see. I'm pulling down my lower lip, if you can see past the beard. They're, they're literally taking, they're, they're, they're, they're setting up shop right in my lower gums. There's like buildings.

Wow. Yeah, there's buildings, there's little streets. I see, I see tiny horses. The horses are the worst part. Oh, I bet. Teeth horses. Yeah. Teeth horses.

Uh, I wouldn't wish it on my, on my worst enemy. So when you said mouth nation, it wasn't just like figurative language. Like you literally have a mouth nation in your mouth. No, no, no, no. I'm terrible with metaphors actually. Almost everything a rapper says is quite literal. Now friend, now how did you happen to cross swords with a goblin sorcerer? What did you do to get on his ill side?

Or did you do nothing at all and he was just being sort of a, you know, a prick? Ysidor, Ysidor, Goblin Sorcerer, clearly this man has style. Call it a goso. Oh, how do you run afoul of a goso? Thank you. Uh, goso, listen, I was at another tavern in Winterforge And, you know, I was putting out some of my rhythmic beats and he says, Oi, quiet down, why don't you?

And I was like, look, you're in a gathering place. Yeah. There's bound to be energy. I'm asking everybody to make some noise and you're literally doing the opposite. And so we got into a bit of a battle a battle of words and And and he said, you know your mouth's full full of it and I said again not not really knowing Metaphor similes. I say look you little bugger. My mouth is full of two things

teeth and tongue. The next thing I know it wiggles its damn little green fingers at me and I've got a young nation coming up. I've got a goddamn municipality. Along my lower chompers. Do you feel any kind of responsibility for the society that's living in your mouth? Yeah, unfortunately I do because it's really more in my sleep that I can start to hear the wee voices. Oh, sure.

I go like, you know, I am in many ways that, you know, sort of the mother terror of this small mouthed nation. And so, you know, I try to be, I try to chew on one side. I try to only drink through a straw, which reminds me, sexy legs. Pass me one of those. Oh, here you are, there you go.

Thank you. Oh, that's good mead. Well, now, I have to ask, do they see you as a god? You know, I've never really asked them. I try not to interfere too much. I mean, I feel it's like a co-dependency of consideration. You know what I mean? Do me no harm, I'll do you no harm.

Cause I'll tell you what, I haven't had a goddamn cavity in the two years they've been living in there. So obviously they're taking good care of this, this, of this whole, this whole cavernous, cavernous font. So Scrooge McGP, if you don't mind me asking, are you, and I hate, I do not want to get this wrong. Are you like a dwarf? Yes. No, that's exactly what I am That's my race. Yeah Everybody here has a race. Yeah, and then my class is Barred I don't know that's been covered. Yeah yet in your conversation with it because I know you're not from here You say yes golden. I have to apologize on behalf of Arnie covered. Yeah. Yeah. In your conversation with it, because I know you're not from here, you said. Yes, Golden, I have to apologize on behalf of Arnie. He's not from Earth. And so sometimes he just asks these things. And it's incredibly rude of him. He's not from Earth. Yeah, his class is

none. No class. No class. Exactly. I see. I see. No, it's easy. Yeah, no, I'm a dwarf. I come from miners. Not underage people, obviously, but ore diggers. Now I ain't saying I'm an ore digger, but I definitely am related to a few. Sure. Oh, okay. How was your family growing up? How did you decide I've got to be an R, R, and B bard, not a mind digger? Well, the B is for bard.

So just be an RR&B, because otherwise you're saying a rhyming, rhythmic bard bard. Yes. You know, I just never took to the pickaxe. I like I like putting my hands up. Yeah, I don't like putting them down in the down and and you know the beat got to me the beat got to me that you know that that anytime you hear those pounding drums down in the mines under the mountains It spoke to my heart and I just I just had to get stuff off my chest and I found that if I could do it in sort of free spoken rhyme, it was the most heard I ever felt.

Wow. So you might say you and Ere meant to be digging for ore, you're R&B straight to the core. I'm saying you get me. That's clear and Buddy we're friends From now to here. Oh, and if you wonderful ever need another beer You took to this bloke right here Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and and and I had all I also had so you're kind of saying like something something pickaxe, something something dick sex, is ho ho, you're all right with me, squirrel.

Thank you, thank you, MCGD. That reminds me, squirrel, should we have a sign to let people in Tavern know that you're not vermin? Um, huh, that's interesting. Well, there's already one that says don't feed the badger, but yeah, if there's one that says don't kill the squirrel, I wouldn't mind that.

Okay. Yeah. I'll just ask my spider friend to do it into her web it'll just say not vermin it might understand badger if I got that wrong the apologies this is your establishment um you could say I'm one of the co proprietors absolutely yeah I mean I own that's me I own it you and they're my buddies yeah yeah you're not from here and yet you purchase this here. You're doing well for yourself then. I'm doing okay, although I've got to say

this tavern is cursed, so I got it for a steal. I mean, I've been in few that aren't. Yeah. Do you ever host live music here? You know, this is fairly new ownership for me, honestly. And the Wanderlust, this is fairly new ownership for me, honestly, and the Wanderlust, this is only our third episode here, so we haven't, but I'd love to talk about it if you had something in mind.

Well, yeah, I just feel like, you know, you're gonna get more people in here if you got good music. There's nothing like it. If you got fiery beats, then you're gonna have more feats People coming in Wanting to hear what sweets and I got the sweets for their their ears Because when it comes to rhyming, I got no peers. I've been from the north and I've been to the south I've got an entire nation living in my mouth

the north and up into the south I've got an entire nation living in my mouth very literal I love that if you want to come to this tavern for fun then listen to my music and drinks are two for one I don't mean to like put push policy on you but that's just yeah yeah I don't know if you can dictate a drink special that's my bed maybe a sign there, you know, no bars You know, don't feed the badger. Don't kill the squirrels bards do not dictate Business business policy business pricing. It's gonna be a lot for Charlotte to spin but alas Well, let's take a quick break and when we come back, maybe you can Teach us how to our&R be ourselves.

I'm suddenly so hungry for roast beets. Happy to share it, yeah. If anything, I owe you at least a second round. Oh, yeah. Of drinks and beets. We've got the beets. We have the beets. We'll be right back.

Sir, sir, please. Sir, I must counsel with you. It happened again. The giant tube entered our sky and liquid did gush forth from the tube to the back of our community. Well, I don't know. We have to just accept what God does. That's all I can tell you, Fred. Fine, that's fine. Let's get on our horses here and let's clamor about town. If we keep cleaning the teeth, he won't kill us. Look, I have an idea.

What if we try traveling to the other side of the mouth and see if we can find a better life over there? You fool, Philip, to the crushing caverns? Have you not heard rumor? Why do you always fucking do that when I have an idea? Fine, you go and we'll follow. So I just shrunk myself down into your mouth and I just met some of the people there that they're very concerned about the

state of their lives and then I was wondering where you went. Yeah, sorry. I said Blip I was like what was in this drink? Oh, well, I'm a great wizard You may know me as you said or the blue or as a dwarf You may know me better as zoningonininhoog Stenges. I do now. Have you heard the tales? I know that now and I'll never forget it. Just say it one more time for me. Zoninin?

Zoninin. Hoog? I'm zoning in on what you're saying right now. I'll tell you that. Yes, I'm sure you've heard the tales. No, so you're saying you just were down in there. So I felt a little hopping around and I didn't know if they were doing a parade or something and I was a little worried because

it felt like they were moving across towards the right side and the right side's the chewing side. Yeah, you might want to switch to the left side to chew for a while. Is that happening? Yeah, they're looking for a new and better life. Oh gosh, I want to... Well listen, if you're a wizard, there's no way that maybe you could help me find a new home for these folks

living in the bottom of my gums. Well what part of your body would you rather they lived in? Well I don't know that they have to take residents anywhere within me, quite honestly, but you know, like the back of the neck maybe I'm not doing a lot back there. I've got such heavy brains I feel that they're you know, there's lots of like it's almost like a series of highways in the back of my head there

Oh, yeah, I gotta say I when I went to the restroom I walked behind you Arnie it almost looks like a like an English muffin you ever you ever cracked open an English muffin What's English? Yeah. I mean, I've had muffins before, but when I picture a muffin, I'm picturing round, fluffy sweet top. Yeah. Yeah.

And then like hard cylinder bottom. Yeah. Is that what you're talking about? Unless you're talking about a Foonish muffin, which is the one with the, it's kind of like a little flat thing, you crack it open, it'sott the little crags in it Oh for this muffin. Yeah, it's great. They're much fluffier than those hard English things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, well the English ones are famous are Arnie English is sort of a portmanteau of Ingrid and flesh now Ingrid of course was the goddess of harvest and she Sacrificed herself so that everyone could have these little muffins. They're not even really muffins though. I don't know. They're more like scones or... Yeah, it's like a little flat cake, flat bagel, a lifeless bagel. Sure. I remember when she sacrificed herself so that we could have these muffins and we all thought, is that worth it? It doesn't seem worth it.

Man, what are you doing? We all said, said Ingrid don't do it. Yeah I remember reading about that. It seemed like a waste. It's just muffins. Yeah. Seemed like some of you could have come up with with the sacrifice even. Yeah exactly. Right. It seemed like Ingrid was going through a lot. I've been using my magic to detect the goblin spell that has infected your mouth. Ugh. And I can tell you that I cannot move it to the back of your neck. Ugh. But if you'd be okay with them moving to one of your knees, I think we could make that happen. That's interesting. Now, like, when they're on my knee, are you talking like the leg hair on the front side? Like on the knee bone?

Or are we in the like wet moisty joint behind it not in the knee pit no pit no I could live with a knee cap a knee cap yes oh certainly I think that'd be a huge come up yeah so I can make that happen I'm going to have to concoct a potion though for you to. It should take me some time. Allow me here to pull out my mini traveling cauldron and I'll start pouring mixtures and tinctures. Oh, Zonanen, if you could bust a cap in my lap, that would make me the happiest chap. Huh, that's my favorite one so far, I've got to say.

Don't mind me. I'll just be here stirring and mixing. Well, we'll use it or while you stir and mix all of those unctions and ingredients and things. Stir mix a lot. That's what I'm calling, you know. Yes, that's fine. Oh, that's one of my new secret names. I'm stir mix a lot. Stir mix a lot.

Is there any concern that this nation will be less safe outside of his body, like a place that's not inside of his body? Be more exposed? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't know the quality of the magic, but I got to say from what Sir Mix-a-Lot is mixing together here, it seems quite potent. I believe that if they live on the kneecap and we get you just like a kind of a loose fitting pet of pants sure kind of like a pair of big baggy pants I mean I'd even be willing to like tie on like some light armor or something on my left it could be the left one yeah oh

absolutely okay I'm gonna have to change my I'm gonna have to start this oh no I'm gonna have to start this if you want the left one I have to start it over though. Oh, the rat. Sorry about that. No problem. And I'm just making a list of all the places we thought about to sort of move this mouth nation and so it was neck, back, knee or lap? Was that what it was? That's right. Yeah, back of the neck. I just remember Sir Mixolot saying earlier that he likes big buns I've got the feeling he wasn't lying about it. Yeah, he cannot lie about that. Oh, big, except for English buns. English buns are so hard and dry. And flat. Very flat.

Porous. Oh my god! Is that the solution? Is there a spell you have, Sir Mix-A-Lot, to make a magical, you know, a food muffin for this nation to exist in. Oh, let me see. Yeah, I know you start. And now I'm asking you to start a third brew. That's right. I'm just going to throw this one out. I'm going to throw this one out.

Don't worry about it. Oh, God, it's burning through the wood. Yeah, that's fine. We don't need that wood. That's the just the top wood. This is why I worry that Ysidor is going to kill himself while he walks to the bar, on accident. Because he's just dumping potions on the floor over there. It's not safe! Well, there's also just one sword sticking out of the floor.

Oh shit. If you're worried about me, you've got to clean up around here. You can't just leave swords sticking straight up out of the ground. Ysidor, I said be careful. I've done my job. All right. Let me cast a spell to move this Mouth Nation onto a Foonish Muffin. I see now this mouth nation must be free So that they can go on a foolish muffin spree oh oh Wow, oh my oh my lips. They're so light now. Whoa, and it looks like all your buckle fat was removed

Yeah, yeah. Oh my god. I've got a jawline Wow, yes, you it's changed though. Yeah a lot going on that I didn't realize oh as a cat I'd be mewing at you Wow Sonan in a maze. Oh, thank you cats are horny boogers, aren't they? Oh God well Chunt would know because Chunt is not just a badger. He's a shapeshifter. Oh, I see. And once upon a time, he could change anything he wants now, but it used to be that he would have sex with an animal, then he'd change it to that animal. Right, right. Yeah.

You were sort of... you were sort of pussy crazy. That's true. You could say that. Yeah. I just did. Oh, yeah. You could RR&B that? Oh yeah, well that's the other thing. While Zonanin was doing the enchantment, it was like an epiphany.

This was like a two for one. You've done me such a huge solid. It's not only have you moved my mouth nation to that foonish muffin right there, which look at him! Look at him! Oh they spread nice! Great! Oh wow, they're prospering. Oh my god, they seem so happy! But I also realized that if I wanted to do RRB, Stream of Consciousness Never Fail,

I could do it in whatever enchanting language you were just speaking and it would always sound great. Oh, yes, I highly recommend speaking ancient runish languages You're telling me you sir could have been doing that the whole time Okay, yes taverns on fire Okay, I think I got most of it out don't like that There's a couple of witches sitting in the living Okay, I think I got most of it out. Don't worry. Oh my God. By the way, are those a couple of witches sitting in the living room?

Are they getting it on? What time do you think they'll leave? Seven, maybe a little earlier than seven in the morning. Just before seven? Yeah, we'll call it six. Six at the dawn? It's been a good day. Yeah. Golden, can I ask, now that we've

relieved you of the curse of the Mouth Nation, any other curses you've accumulated as you've been gigging? You've been just like, gigging on the road? Oh, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I've got, well, here, let me take this boot off. And as you can see, I've got a fishtail for a left foot. Whoa! Holy cow! Yeah, pissed off the wrong mermaid.

Oh yeah, you gotta be careful there. Yep. Um, sometimes I mix up my words, and I can-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I But you also make me ills your ugly stupid face should get off this landing place You deserve beneath the water and I wanna fuck your daughter and at that point poof Yeah, I had a tail for a left foot So what did you mean to say instead of your ugly stupid face? You said you said you just sometimes say the wrong thing. So I assume you meant to say something else. Oh, yeah No, I was I was trying to ask how to get to the nearest apothecary.

Oh. And I came out, I hate your stupid face. I said, where's the apothecary place? Yeah. Came out as I hate your stupid face. Yeah, simple slip at the top. And then, ooh boy, was that fish tail on my foot. Yeah.

You know, that old saying. Yeah. It put your fit in your mouth, absolutely Absolutely. Wow put my tail on my foot Well your grace to be in the presence of a wizard today a force of nature incredible, I can't believe you you're quite You're quite free with their magic to which I appreciate Oh a lot of wizards I know always have to like say and recharge or read a book before you can do more magic and you're just uh...

That's a good point, Ysidor. Should you be conserving some of your magic and recharging more? Again, you're not the same as you used to be. You're not as powerful and immortal as you used to be. Well, I'm not a sorcerer or a mage. I'm a wizard. I'm a force of nature. I'm magic incarnate.

You know, the conspiracy of birds and wind and rain and fire demanded there be a champion. And then I stepped forth into the world by the demand of the goddesses. So you know, I'm fine to keep going. You know, some wizards sure if you go to like spin tax, he's gonna be a real prick about it. He's gonna say, Oh, maybe you give me five pieces of gold or come back tomorrow when I'm feeling better. Or maybe you go to like blorth the brown who's depressed and sad, you know, but me I'm here to make the world better. I have a mission. I have a vision and I am enacting it and I am living my truth every day. And you're creating vision. That's right. And now here I have a proposition for you.

I'll turn your other foot also into a fishtail so that at least they match. Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass on that one. I think as you can see this boot here is constructed by my cousin, Bolgen, who, you know, he's an excellent blacksmith. So it's literally just like, yeah, you know Bolgen. I know Bolgen. Oh, Bolgen Bolgen.

Bolgen Bolgen, that's right. The guy whose cock is too big for his pants. That's right, that's my cousin. too big for his pants? That's right! That's my cousin! I love that guy! Oh, he's the best! You'd think he could just get bigger pants, but he can't. He could.

No, he's not a tailor, he's a blacksmith! You know what the second most widely known thing about him is that he's got a great personality. He's got a kind heart. Yes huge a huge rod Which is all you want in the blacksmith? Exactly a tempered rod a huge tempered right yeah That's all you need. I mean you I'm sure if you know Bolton, then you know many a fine lass have wet his stone There's so many drawings when I go to his neck of the woods There's so many drawings around town of him like out running in like grey sweatpants. It just feels like give the guys privacy.

Yeah, no, people love it. People love to love to sketch my cousin's, my cousin's loin area. It's true. Look, I hate to throw my cousin under the car, but in our short time together, you know You've helped move an entire civilization out of my mouth You've helped me with my rhythmic rhyming beats Borgian sometimes sets up those People to sketch him. He'll say hey just so you know because it's good for his business Oh, he tips him off. He tips him off. He tips him off. So to speak.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. There's this, there's this, oh God, what's the name? I think it's a Troubadour Media Zone. This TMZ hits him up and he goes, hey, I'm gonna be jogging around the stables, get a little sketch on. And so it's sort of a win-win situation, you know Oh, yeah Have you ever been in the tavern when troubadour media zone gets together and they all just are sort of like hanging out in one

area sort of Shooting the shit about what what they're gonna What should we sketch this these day what we're gonna put on the scrolls It seems a little it seems a little it's contrived. It's like doing this for exactly. It's kind of fill it See like they're almost like especially when they laugh. It seems forced quite honestly Yeah, they make it's weird. They make gold doing that. I mean it doesn't feel like you know a Task a lot of gold they make a lot of gold sex sells so bulging bulging

Sex sells So bulging bulging The blacksmith made these boots for you. I this one this one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah This one's just you know tanned hide. I noticed there's something Strange about your other boot too is your other foot cursed Yep On that foot So if you look at if you look at this What kind of curse is on that foot? So if you look at this, I've got like, you know when people say like, oh your toenails, they're like knives.

My actual toenails are literal knives. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Cross the wrong dark elf. Who just, yeah, I was like, kick it! That's one of my calls I was like yo yo get your hands up make some noise yo let's kick it and the dark elf I just got my foot a little too close to his his pointy ears and poof next thing I know you know I've got I've got steel steel tunas there's no way I gotta go to bulgen for him to

buffer them down it's the only way I can trim them back. It sounds like I wasn't there But it just sounds like there's some amount of like ill communication to just yell kick it at absolutely Absolutely, I always feel I always feel like I have good intentions or a good point. Yeah, but the last second I always let it Drop That's it just is not it's not served me well. Yeah. If you're in the forest where the dark elves dwell, you have to be careful. You have to look out for them. You have to look out for the beastsy boys and all sorts of terrible things.

Oh, yes, exactly. You got to check your head. Hey, there's no sleep. There's no sleep. No. Till you're out of those woods. Yeah, exactly. Next time you're out of those woods. Yeah Next time you go to the woods. I would recommend bringing a party, right? Yeah, that way when you get into a fight, you know Oh boy, but I'm sorry Chunt, but I'm not gonna allow you to have a party right now

Whoa, Chuck. You're not gonna let him just push around like that. You got a fight. Absolutely not Chunt It's your right to party Yeah, wizards just don't understand fuck you For your pay to farty wait a minute Wait a minute wait. Where's my I had hold on you store? I had several draw I had several drawings under my chair, tucked away of nude women. Where did they go? I'm sorry. Did you throw them out?

I threw them out, that's right. Let's take a quick break though. Hold on, let me get this straight. You just threw away his best porno stack? That's right. Oh boy, I'd be moved. Let's take a quick break while we discuss what happened to that porno stack, and I find a quick way to explain to MCGP that the Foonish Muffin burned up in the fire.

Oh! Intergalactic. What? Arnie, that makes no sense. Don't keep repeating it. That's one, right? Your ways are weird. Your ways are weird, Arnie. Darn it Golden I'm sorry we've been dwelling so much on your sort of physical curses and things But I just got to say no that's a some what's going on with your nipples. You got like a nipple curse

Yeah, I actually know that I think that's just like I just pick at them. Oh, yeah Yeah, just too much picking. Too much, so much so obviously, the way you were able to see is, you know, I've worn through the material of my blouse. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, nope, that's just bad hygiene. Fear not.

What? I can solve this problem for you. What? I shall cast the spell of Evervest. Oh. Erothchyr cast the spell of Evervest. Oh. Erethchyrn, T'lory, Athelana. And now you have a golden vest that you'll wear for the rest of your days protecting your nipples. This is incredible. This is gorgeous. Oh man, I like it. I like wearing gold. Now is it possible to ever take that vest off? No. Yeah. Oh, oh dear. Oh God, but it won't, you know, it's waterproof. It won't get like, you know, mildewy.

If I- It won't smell bad. You'll inexplicably be able to get your shirt off from under it, but you won't know how. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh gosh. So you can still wash your shirt and get it back on, but the vest will always be there.

The vest stays. All right, that's great, because part of my show is I do, I say, take your shirts off and you're waving around, you're swinging them around your head. People go crazy for that. They love it. So if you have a vest and kind of a big blousy pair of pants and you're kind of singing and dancing during your... Yeah, yes. You're kind of singing and dancing. Yes. Yes. No, I'll. That's this is sort of by my performers.

God, but people are always reaching out and trying to touch it. And I'm like, don't know. Can't touch this. You can't. You mustn't. Well, people, they do what they want to do. Say what they want to say. The rest. That's true. That's true. I knew a family that was exactly like that.

They are the worst But you don't let it stop you you're too legit to quit. That's correct. That's correct. And that's the thing That's a thing about you and that makes you go hmm. No, that's different Goalie I'm sorry. This is the last physical thing I'll mention. You have an axe sticking out of your back. Did you know that someone has stabbed you in the back with a giant axe? You almost RR&B'd right there. Did you hear yourself? Oh, that's true. Did you know you got stabbed in the back?

You're RR&B'd. Yeah. But didn't see her. I didn't foresee, I didn't have a vision that I'm an RR&B'er. Yeah, it was. It was very close. You got an axe in your back and you know And do you know you got attacked and you got a nation living in your crack? Yeah. Well, Arnie You're amazing. Oh, thank you. You've got a gift. I do hadn't lost it Sort of makes me want to retire. Also, I'm feeling a little lightheaded

You're bleeding a lot from that ass. Yeah, yeah, it's an open wound. Oh no! Is the golden vest? I got it, yeah, let me take out a little... I got a little tincture here. Oh yeah. That was kind of cool. Wait, yeah, start there again.

Got a tincture here, not a beard. I gotta wear it or I'm gonna bleed here. If I don't take the potion, then the motion will be down in the ocean and I'll probably see the mermaid again. They gave me a tail. I don't like my tail. I like my foot.

I miss my foot. Not the right one. That's not good. Yeah. Wow. Golden, have you noticed that about 40% of your rhymes are with here? That's my gift. Oh, I'm so exhausted from casting the Evervest.

I don't think I can do anything about this axe in your back. Oh. Oh. That's all right. Listen, the life of a musician, you know, like I don't do it for the respect. Sure. I don't I don't even really do it for like the validation for the plaudits. That's good. I do it because I really don't want to do any physical work. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. any physical work. Yeah, sure. Oh yeah, I get that.

So hey, if it means not breaking stones or welding boots, fish tail, raw nipple, knife, toenail, backaxe me every day of the week, and they do. One way to think about it is all of these things that have happened to you have only made you a more creative and full artist. You've really lived life and you can really tell those stories through your music. That's exactly it. You don't learn from your successes. You learn from your failures. Think about that that Arnie. Yeah. What's that?

You should start learning from your failures. All the failures you've amassed, maybe take a look at those and see if a pattern emerges. Pattern? I've got a suggestion for you. I'm gonna help you Arnie, cause you and your friends here have helped me so much. I'm gonna start by removing this sword from the middle of the tavern floor here.

Wow. Wow, there's something attached to the end of the sword here. It says, sword becomes the sole owner of this tavern? That can't be right. Oh shit. Hashtag sword in the floor? Oh my God. Hashtag. I'm gonna give you a quick out here. If you don't wanna be here every week managing the tavern,

just hire us as your managers. I like that. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Wait, sorry. Soul is spelled S-O-U-L. So I guess you own the soul of the tavern. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. Alright, but I don't need to keep this sword, do I?

Can you let go of it? Let me check the back of the note. Yeah, try. Uh oh. Wait, I'm trying. Oh, my grip's stuck. Yeah, I think that's yours now. Oh no! My good it's stuck to the yeah I think that's no fuck fish tail foot axe in the back vest can't take off sword stuck in hand Sounds like a case of the Mondays

Don't worry. I'm feeling better now, and I think I can help you here Now that you've come to visit the wizard I Yeah, you're gonna have to come back tomorrow if you want some real magic, but here is a toothbrush and some toothpaste. Yeah. No, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wait, I'm just realizing now, did you say that the the the phoenian muffin burned in? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh no. Yeah, when you set the place on fire. All those people. All those people. Oh guys, I've been having a blast, but when I think back on what's actually occurred in the last 40 or so minutes, this has been a terrible evening. I'd say probably one of the worst days of your life.

I heard a bunch of tiny screams, but I didn't know what it was. I feel like you're always hearing tiny screams. I mean, I suppose we could all shrink down in there and see how it's going, if everyone wants to go on a ride with me. Yes. All right. Yeah. So we all just put our hands on our shoulders. And on the floor.

Oh, God, it's desolate and barren. I mean, there are still some buildings, but they're burned to a crisp. Wow. Look their all the bones They're they're in the position of like hugging loved ones and like cradling babies except this one guy is in the pose of jerking off He saw it coming. Come on, man I can't tell if he's jerking off or he's just trying to remove two swords from his back Or he could have been skiing Maybe he was scared. Oh, don't wait. So that's what it looks like when I try to take my swords out

Wait, it sounded like he was still alive Don't judge me. Oh, we're not here to judge you buddy. Are you? Are you okay? Shuffle off over here. Maybe there's some people alive over that ridge there. All right. It's a very you know it's a very porous muffin there could be other pockets of life we don't know. Here follow me. Is there anyone here? Anyone at all? Yes, I'm here, please, please. Life, yes. Are you all right?

No, everyone's gone. Everyone, please, please put me back in the mouth. The mouth? Yes, MCGP, I was afraid of this. The only way to save this entire civilization is to put them back in your mouth. Wait a minute, I just gotta of this. The only way to save this entire civilization is to put them back in your mouth. Wait a minute. I just got to get this straight. So this fine lass here, who is desperate for our help, seemingly the sole survivor of an entire civilization, if I grant her access back into my lower gum,

along with the jerkmaster there over the ridge, they'll be able to repopulate an entire civilization in the bottom of my mouth. That's right. They'll be healthy and well and be able to continue on. Not if we were the last two people on a flaming English muffin. What? You are.

I would never. With him? Ugh, never. So listen, I feel guilty. I feel in some ways this is kind of my fault. Um, I'll give you the option. If you want to jump back in, you can. But yeah, you'd have to be with him, mate. Sending you there by yourself just to die in my mouth. I don't think I could live with that. And I live with a fishtail foot, knife toenails, raw nipples tucked under a golden vest, an axe

welded to my back, and a sword stuck in my hand. I'll take it. Try and crawl in your mouth. It's kind of hard because we're pretty- You're about the same size, right? Let me see if I can help. Hold on a second. If you really want to get back in there, we can make this happen, all right? You fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fwada fw I don't see anything here. Here, take a look. Yeah, there's a little guy masturbating in there. Yeah, no, I feel that now. I think they're gonna be all right. Mm-hmm. Oh, Arnie.

Yes? Now that we've saved everything and MCGP's career is back on track, we must be preparing to head to North Eastia where we will beseech the king to help us. We must prepare. What do you have in mind that will help us prepare? Well I was thinking we've got to engage more with our listeners because not only are we trying to unite all of Foon in our war against the wizards, we also Gotta remember our listeners on earth. So I'm gonna answer this email We got an email to magic tavern at puppies dot supplies

It's a real email address and I have an email that says Arnie should have business cards in real life and on the show that Say greatest warrior in all of FUN and then hand them out whenever you guys are out together Give one to the waitress at dinner talkative cashiers or random people I know I would feel free to use my name on and off the podcast and please don't die Sincerely Pancho Gomez Wow Arnie. I have to ask well one. I don't know if I've ever given you my card I have a business card Arnie. You can take one. I have one. Yeah, of course It just has a big fuck you on the other side and then to what do they mean by in real life and on the show I'm not sure what they mean by that, but it's not a bad idea

I mean look especially as we get into North East he will be in the big city like North Eastie boys Yeah I should just have some business cards to hand out to remind people that I am the greatest warrior in all of food Because I accidentally killed the former greatest warrior in all of FUN, because I accidentally killed the former greatest warrior in all of FUN. I assume that they mean the other days of the week where we're not recording the podcast. That's real life. Yes, yes, yes. And then on the show is just during that hour or so per week that we actually record the

show. MCGP, do you have any business cards that you hand out to potential clients? You know, I don't. I did flyers for a while, but I found too many of them crumpled in the gutter and it just was like terribly depressing. That's disheartening. How do you sell yourself on these flyers?

Like what kind of, what text does it say on the flyers that encourages people to come see you perform? Well, I use my cousin's same sketch artist so it's a sketch of me waving my t-shirt over my head and it says MCGP RRB I like that I watched that show and I gotta say now that you have this ever vest I mean t-shirt off vest on that's just that's like a cool look Because I got a gold vest and I wear it on my chest and I never ever rest when I'm spitting the rhymes It's clear most of them happen here and I'll do it all year cuz you know to find me here

And if you want a beer, I'll buy one and say cheers, and then we'll drink it here. Because I don't ever fear. You had to say something, Artie. You had to say something. I've gotta get your mixed gem. I would love to give you my mixed gem. Hey, you like our RB?

Oh yeah, you know me. Listen to this. Listen to this. You like our RB? Yeah, you know me. Who's down with our RRB? Every last homie. Thoony in?

Oh, he's going to, wait, he's running outside of the tavern, he's going to his horse. He's reaching into the back of his horse. The trunk of his horse. To get a mix gem? Oh, there's a bunch in there. Oh, that boar horse. That's a lot of them.

Oh, that boar horse. Here, here, I brought a few so you can hand them out to friends here. Each of you take three. I had to get them enchanted in bulk. Look, I occasionally listen to these transmissions, and when Arnie said we've got to engage with our listeners more, I'm just sorry all of you were threatened like that.

As supporters of this show, you deserve some punishment, but none of you deserve increased engagement. User The Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt The Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. MCGP The Dwarf Bard was played by the offspring of Shrek and Mrs. Doubtfire? That's not right. Oh yes, played by special guest Taryn Killam.

And today happens to be Taryn's birthday. I wonder if Taryn made a birthday wish to be on a critically acclaimed beloved podcast, but that wish never reached the producers of Slow Burn, so he had time to spend with us. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Supporters like Alexander Possum, Kozlynda, Dylan from Oklahoma, Damon Lucia, Adam Dew, Sean Robel, Ken Ventimiglia, Mera, Lindsay, Emily, AJ, and John the Chunt Crew,

L, Anisha Diorus, Salman Malik, Kristin B, Zem, Gavin Boatman, Dietrich Getz, Grylo, Nathan the Gray-thon, oh Nathan please tell me you don't make the poor Starbucks baristas shout that out, Tad Just-a-Bit- more, or maybe just a bit less forced nicknames from Nathan, and Anisha. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog, including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Also the occasional online Q&A with patrons.

Here's a clip of the most recent one. Go on, you listen to it. Thank you for your support both shows. Thank you. Thank you. You're very welcome. Have a great night Quick update Matt, oh crap. He started to say something rise. I shit no That's the running theme now. Here's what I please promise me that Cut everyone off either ask them a question and then throw them back into the eye or cut them off. No problem I have a quick before you bring up the next guest. I have a quick delay Oh too late very quickly to something to say though. So Chuck if you don't mind, I'm so sorry. Hold on Chuck Oh, no, I see my time to addle Ernie. I don't know if you know that's about our friendship. I love you dearly

I feel like there's a bit of like playing chicken with you in terms of like you say something and I'm almost like is Ernie daring me because I will along those lines. I've just placed an order for voodoo Estimated to arrive at 10 25 p.m. Latest arrival 11 p.m. So If it does arrive in time, I'm going to run downstairs and grab it and then I will turn on my camera and present I ordered three doughnuts which with delivery taxes probably wasn't worth it, but I can't turn down a challenge for Martin I'm very excited. I'm so excited. Thank you. How you know me long enough at my core more than anything else I'm an enabler. I'm just excited to sort of nudge people into doing things. Yeah, and I'm so, I really genuinely am excited to hear

what happens when you get the donuts. You'll turn on the camera, all of us in the audience will just slowly masturbate while we watch you eat a donut. All right. Uh. Well Chuck, with that being said, do you consider being recorded and what are your pronouns?

And thank you so much for your patience. Also Chuck, thank you for the perfectly timed, uh. I do what I can. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the magic tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Adil Rafai post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, associate producer Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Benji K.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Wee. Wee. Wee. Wee. Wee. Wee.

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