Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 38 - Merzia Now (w/ Janet Varney)

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

The Red Queen Merzia returns to separate Arnie from his friends. Also, it’s Arnie’s birthday!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Red Queen Merzia: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandTickets to SF Sketchfest HERE!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. Listen as his celebrity guests try to persuade the Grinch that there's more to love about the holiday season. Follow Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Grown-ups, enjoy bonus content of Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast exclusively on Wondery

Plus. exclusively on Wondery+. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. First of all, you did it. You got through the air quotes holidays. I don't care how many episodes of the new Matlock you had to watch or how many shapeless things you had to knit, you did it. And as a reward, I'm going to triple my efforts to bring this

entire venture to a hasty conclusion. We're talking full Deadwood, but until that day, a quick reminder there are STILL tickets available for the upcoming live show at Club Fugazi in San Francisco on January 19th. My dear, next I'll find out Fantastic Beasts The Crimes of Grindelwald DVDs aren't flying off the shelves But this may engorge your human enticement glands. I'm told the special guest for this episode is Richard kind He made you laugh on curb your enthusiasm He made you cry as Bing Bong in Inside Out and who knows what emotions he'll drag out of you during this performance Link for tickets in the show notes. Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years and 10 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined as always by my good bud, he's my cousin, Chunt the Talking Badger. Cuzzbong.

What? What's? Hasbong? Cuzzbong. Be Cuzzbong. Yeah, just trying out something new. Okay. What's has bong cuz bong because Yeah, just trying out something new okay Well, you know what that's a thing family is a safe space where you can try out things and it's okay if they fail Oh, thank God is this I was so worried about that. Thank you Arnie Hey, I can see on your face

You said cuz bong and then Jesus it was like you died my eyes were darting around the room Did he did he notice they like it did he? Yeah, Ernie that makes me feel hated it to be clear. I hated it But I love you me too, but I have to try I love you cause you have to try almost It's like a compulsion yeah I'm worried about you. Why just you know Yeah, oh yeah, thanks guys we became cousins. I just feel like you are trying so hard. Yeah, it's in our DNA. Yeah, it's true We hope you're a you're an adopted cousin, so it's not in your DNA

Oh, no, I switched it. Oh Good, okay Hold on to your butts everyone Okay, okay. Uh oh. Hold on to your butts everyone. Okay, okay well. Oh, I am also joined by my unc, Ysidor the Wizard. I am Ysidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakas, the Elves nobius Vienyelk, the Dwarves nobius zonan and huk's stingies

oh and in the north okay that was the long his eyes went pure white yeah it's like he said cuz bond is gasminious maester but there's one name one name that is greater than all the rest and that is the name That belongs only to your parents sibling uncle Yeah, uncle. Uncle crunch and munch. I believe uncle crunch and munch. Yes There's so many pregnant pauses that it was hard to know if you were done or not. Oh Oh my gosh, can I feel can I feel Arnie?

No, I'm just No, well, no, I have I do have some indigestion. There's something going on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had some things I should not have eaten for the past 40 years. What Arnie what? Everything everything I've eaten since I was 10 almost can I confess something? Everything I've eaten since I was 10 almost. Can I confess something? Yeah, please. Sure. I know the two of you often complain when I introduce myself upon this show

and that you stop listening to me and at full confession I quit listening that time and that's why there were so many pauses in it. Mmm. I just was- I was gone for a second. Yeah. Wow. This has been a new segment, Uncle Confessions Oh, I don't know that's it's on a cast Arnie you said you've I hate your ideas, but I love you. I love you buddy You're good cuz you're a good cuz um Arnie you said you've eaten a lot of you've made a lot of poor dietary

Decisions, I think he said since you're ten speaking of ten Usador and I got you something. It is a, Ysidor go ahead and pull it out. It's a ball of metal because Marnie coming up so soon as our 10 year anniversary we went onto your laptop and we looked up on earth what 10 year anniversary means and it said tin or aluminum So this is a ball of tin I think okay Great. Yes, it's a ball. It's a ball of tin for you. We couldn't find any aluminum aluminum Unc can I talk to you privately for a second? Sure. Do you want me to cast a cone of silence over us?

Well, it needs to still be recorded. AEROSTRAFT TORN! Okay. Daddy didn't put it on me, because I want to gnaw at my tail. We can speak here in complete silence. Well, we'll heal each other, but no one outside of the cone will hear us. Sure. Privacy.

Yes. Look, should I be worried that ever since I became cousins with John I hate every idea he has how is that different than before that's fair I think I just feel bad about it because we're family oh like I love him more well maybe maybe be open to his ideas Chant has a lot of good ideas yeah but Chanta has a lot of good ideas. Yeah, but- Chanta has a lot of good ideas. Sure. Just look at that tin ball though.

So I'm just gonna, I don't know how to get rid of this cone, I just have to throw it off of us. So I'm just gonna- That's why all those cones are piling up over there in the corner. Oh yeah, we gotta, can we recycle those cones or something?

No, no, those are permanent magic cones Well, thank you so much Chunt Yeah, you're welcome. It's funny while you guys were in that Kind of silence. I lost all the energy to record and I don't know why I Think this is gonna be a pretty quiet episode from Chuck today., and that's kind of fun. Let's all kick back buddy Huh, buddy cuz yeah, hey cuz look I don't Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you. Mm-hmm. I think my feelings were a little bit hurt Because you're focusing on the 10-year anniversary, which is very important and it's coming up soon

But today is actually my birthday. Oh no. Arnie, you thought we forgot. Ysidor, pull it out. Yes, here you go. It's, let's reach my hat and look, a gopher. Thank you. Huh.

Traditional birthday gopher. Aw, Ysidor pulls out a gopher. Thank you. Huh? Traditional birthday gopher. Yeah, you sort of pulls out a gopher already says thank you, thereby enjoying his idea of just hearing you go for interesting. Cool. Cuz, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, of course. Yeah. You just pick up one of the cones over there.

I'm not gonna cast it again. These are so heavy. Two scoops of cuz. What'd you say? He can't hear us Chunt ever since you said or became our uncle. Yeah, I hate all his ideas. Oh Really? Yeah I mean, I never thought of gifts as ideas I thought they were like a nice kind sweet thing to do. But yeah, I guess you're right I guess anytime I think about getting you a gift

or something, I'll rethink that and try and tamp that down. Yeah. You know what? Maybe I need to learn a lot about myself. Knock, knock, knock. Hello. Okay, okay, let's.

Should we stay under here all the rest of the episode? Well, let's pass it back and forth between us because you know how it's always one of our turns to kind of check out while Ysordor talks. That is true. That is very true. All right. Now Chunt, you were saying you didn't have the energy

to record, I assume Arnie's probably bought like a gnome who sits on a leaf to be our guest or something like that. I wish, that gnome will not get back to me. I have sent so many messages. So here's what I'm proposing. I Chunt, you and I, I think we kick back. We let Arnie talk for a while to this gnome because I'm pretty sure it's going to be kind of boring anyway.

And it's not much going on. So we just we'll just kind of watch. You know, watch. Yeah, we'll just kind of watch. Yeah. OK. Arnie, for your birthday, we're going to watch. OK. Okay. Arnie for your birthday. We're gonna watch Okay You don't need to make it that sexy, but alright Well, dear listener my good friends. You are also part of my family. Welcome to my birthday episode I have brought one of my good friends from food that I haven't seen since last season the Red Queen Merzia from Foon that I haven't seen since last season, the Red Queen Merzia.

Oh! Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Everyone knows there's only one family member with more power and superiority than uncles and cousins, and that's the family member of the Permabuddy. Oh, hey, Permabuddy. How are you? Oh, that's right.

What a pleasure. Chunt, I was wrong. We'll have to be on our toes the entire time. What a pleasure to be with you all and to find out how everyone's been. Yeah. A pleasure to see you again, your majesty. Your face is still as creepy as ever,

in a very charming way. Oh, thank you. Well, I've had my needle teeth sharpened. Oh. Oh, it shows. What is that process? How does the sharpening happen? Oh, thank you. Well, I've had my needle teeth sharpened. Oh. Oh, it shows. What is that process? What, how does the sharpening happen?

Just grinding and grinding and grinding, a lot of grinding. Stone, metal, bread, silver, chicklets, things that we all know create, when you rub them together against an object, create a real sharpness or a piercing quality. Yeah. that we all know create when you rub them together against an object creative, a real sharpness or a piercing quality. Yeah, so you go to like a junior high dance?

I'm not following. Well, we all have to be on the grind in this sort of gig economy. Your mortality has made you so amusing. How dare you? How do you know? What I say? You know that I'm susceptible to the mortality,

the permanent death? Did I say something? I don't, I, no, I did, I don't want to draw attention to anything. Why are you reaching at me like that? Stop, stop, stop, stop. Let me just pat you. Let me just give you kind little pats with my strange hand.

You're so sharp. Let me just come over here. No, you're so sharp. Oh. The use of the word I'm so sorry since then I am one of the Red Queen Mersey's permabuddies. Like she does have access to many of our secrets that she pulls out of my head during my dreams. Great.

It's just a thing permabuddies do. It's a way of showing affection. Oh. So probably at this point, Queen, you probably know Arnie better than any of us. Oh, I would say so. Yes, I would say so You know, there was a period of time in which I was convinced the right thing to do was to kill both of you but we played a little game of stone silk

tweezers and And of course, I lost. I got tweezers and he had stone. And so both of you are still alive. Isn't it funny how life can just come down to a simple little game? Guys, did I not tell you during the break about that time that I saved your lives by playing a game that I didn't even understand how to play? Oh, no, you didn't mention that at all. But everyone knows that stone closes tweezers.

Exactly. Exactly. I still don't get that. Stone closes tweezers. Stone closes tweezers. Have you ever put a, come on, a pair of tweezers? Silk polishes stone. And a subconscious stone, yes?

Go ahead, finish. I said silk polishes stone, but there is a subconscious stone. Yes, go ahead finish. I said silk polishes stone But there is a subconscious stone and that's the fourth vector that can really screw up the whole game And when my silk polished his stone, I was awarded another pin for my flared That's right. I now have the got silk pin Very exciting one more step towards having every pin I need to annihilate the world, purely of bars and grills in the restaurants, of course.

Is that why you're wearing that little piece of silk on your lip there? A little silk mustache. It's a campaign. It's a campaign. A lot of celebrities are doing it. Yes, spreading the word. Oh, the two percenters.

The two percenters, of course, yes. So now the God Silk Pin, what kind of power does that give you? Well, I think of it more as part of a compendium of pins that are eventually going to get me exactly what I want. But yes, on a pin by pin basis, what does the God Silk Pin allow me to do? Well, it allows me to create an endless thirst

in any other person that I see fit. They will never feel satiated. So it's sort of a thirst trap, is what you're saying. It's a bit of a thirst trap. That's how I get ya. It also looks like when you face that mirror that's kind of in the tavern It looks like we see like a younger version of you kind of looking up to you Yeah, there's a bit of a deep cut but we got it mm-hmm like Disney's the kid

I'm not familiar like in the mirror. My younger version is saying wait a minute. I grow up to be a loser But that's in the trailer only and not in the movie This is what's so confusing there are so many mirrors in this tavern currently there's so many magical mirrors You're looking in the mirror that makes you look like Bruce Willis. Oh, I love this mirror so much. That's a good mirror It's a wonderful mirror Arnie I love when you tell me about movies from the world. I know, I know so much about so many movies. Bruce Willis, he was in The Story of Us.

He was in North. He was in... And these are his main roles? Oh yeah. Main movies? Yeah, Blind Date. Well now hold on, that one is really good. I remember the time you acted out all of Death Becomes Her. Yes.

It was very confusing. You fell down the stairs so hard, Arnie. So hard. That's my move. I thought you were dead. Fell down the stairs or got pushed down the stairs. Oh that's right, he was teetering for a while. That's right. Here's theetering for a while. Mm-hmm. That's right. Here's the thing, and I will admit this now

because I'm a monk's family and permabuddies. You're a monk's family? You're a monk's family? I'd love to meet them. Arnie, you can't be everything to one monk. Red Queen Mersey, can I talk to you privately for a second? I don't know how you're gonna do that. It's not like there aren't a bunch of cones of silence.

I'll get one of these. Yeah, we have a cone. Oh, convenient. how you're gonna do that. It's not like there aren't a bunch of cones of Since I became family with Chut and Usador, I hate all of their ideas. I don't know why I know Part of the reason that's happening is of course that I'm in your life now and everything I say feels important and wise and a bit sexy whereas everything they say now seems absolutely impertinent and stupid. Yeah, sometimes family is... It's very normal. Sometimes it's tough for family to adjust to the fact that you have a permabody in your life. I know, I know.

And it's one of the things that gives me the most joy is knowing how uncomfortable they are with it. Sure, absolutely. Okay, let's put up this cone and see whatever bullshit those guys are up to. I can't imagine. One, two, three, shoot. Ah, I closed your tweezers again.

Uh-oh. We are just passing time while you're in the Cone of Silence. What did you talk about? Tell us now. Well, we were simply not talking about you or your being irritants. And, we were simply not talking about you or your being irritants. And instead we were talking. Arnie was telling me about a movie, another movie from his world in which a magician makes

everyone think he's making the Cones of Silences disappear. But really there's a giant pile of Cones of Silences that are coming out through some sort of mystical tesser teleportation device so that you just, you walk out onto a field and you realize, oh my God, it's been a series. They're making a new cone every time. It's called The Illusionist. Yes.

And no one, no one here can correct me. That's right. It sounds wrong for some reason. Such a great story. It really feels like a kind of a slight criticism of me too. They were making a new cone every time. Every time. Hmm. Well, I'm very sorry about that.

Yeah, I'm sorry as well. Why don't we take a quick break? Queen Mercia, would you like a beverage from the bar? Oh, I thought you were going to ask me if I was going to take us to break. Oh, actually, if you don't mind. Well, here we go, here we go, on a break. Whoa, what's this that just appeared on the table? A break pin?

I summoned the break pin. You break it, you got it. Oh my God. I'm more powerful than ever. We'll be right back. Each morning, it's a new opportunity, a chance to start fresh. Up First from NPR makes each morning

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Welcome to the show. Ha ha ha. You sure, what was that voice? That was fun. Oh, it's what I've been working on welcome to the show. Hmm. It's it's sort of a it's sort of an old timey ringmaster guy who, you know, he's sort of he's past his prime, let's be honest. And he's he's sort of, you know, slowly

stumbling towards the grave, just hoping for any little piece of hope or notoriety, but ultimately he'll just die alone in a pit. Fuck, what a backstory for that one voice. Yeah, what do you think? It's fantastic. Thank you. Very compelling. Now, Your Majesty, it is well known that you are dabble in the arts of evil, of which I must confess, as always, I am opposed to evil. Although my friend Arnie has become your permabuddy,

which I have mixed feelings about, what evil have you been up to and plotting lately specifically? So I may step in and confound your attempts. Well, first of all, I don't want to get too semantic. The word dabble just sounds so sinister. You know, it's just very, very, there's a, you put a real stink on that. Right, sorry.

And I would like you to use a more ambiguous word, like, you know, excuse me? I was gonna, I'm so sorry. I was gonna suggest tinker. I thought you said beaver. Couldn't imagine how that was a good alternate. I can understand the confusion because- It sounds though right though.

Tinker, I like. I beaver in the dark arts. Tinker, Taylor, beaver, spy. Oh, you've been reading my fiction. Yes, it's great. Thank you so much. It's actually another very fun- Your majesty. Yes.

You find yourself surrounded by evil and constantly pushing its agenda forward. Is that better? How's that sound? Oh, you're saying it's happening to me instead of me instigating it. Okay, yeah, that's not quite right either. Instigate! Oh, you're constantly instigating evil plans. Tell me about all your evil plans.

So that you can thwart them? That's, I want to make sure I got the end part of what you asked me. Yeah, I'd love to thwart... I'd love to thwart a plan. Ooh, thwart's kind of a strong word. Okay. Undermine? Can I undermine your evil plan? Undermine, undermine... Sounds aggressive still. Yeah. Pay witness to. There we go!

That's nice. Everybody likes to feel noticed. Sure. You know, again, I feel like I'm getting a bad rap. All I'm interested in doing is creating a little chaos, ending a few long-term friendships, getting rid of a few bars and grills, and generally just making the world in a more unpleasant place.

You're making it sound like it's not cool. Now, you said a few bars and grills. I believe your original plan was to get rid of all bars and grills. And the reason we have to stand up against that is because the very name of this show is Hello from the Magic Tavern. Yeah, and I love this bar and grill. have to stand up against that is because the very name of this show is Hello from the Magic Tavern. Yeah, and I love this bar and grill. And if you get rid of all the bars and grills and taverns, then what the hell are we doing?

So I hate to interrupt, Bunk. But I will say I thought about that. I have a carve out. I'm allowed to keep two taverns in existence, one for the main feed, one for the Patreon. So if we get rid of all the other taverns, we right we'll still get to have say the wander lost and so fucking busy Arnie am I have to work back-to-back shifts most my feet are already killing most likely we'll get you one of those little pads you can stand on they make a huge difference people don't realize that but once you've washed dishes for even 20 minutes standing on one of those pads, you'll realize how fabulous they

are. Now I'm sitting on one of those pads right now. I'm just sitting on it. That's right and you look fantastic. Oh, thank you, my good perma buddy. Oh, it's my pleasure. So I'm glad that you said you carved it out because of course we went over to the carving station here in the tavern had a couple of nice slices of ham and carved out our plan to allow both of you to just stop whining about the idea of all the bars and grills being gone. Yes you can have this one. Yes you'll be isolated on a sort of rock island where you're not able to reach the rest of the world All of them will be shut off to you And it'll just be a sort of swirling maelstrom of screaming children's voices when you try to step outside of it

But you'll have your special place I'm so sorry to interrupt perma buddy. That's the screaming children's voices. That's gonna be difficult for the podcast. I think that's only if we step outside Which we rarely going to be difficult for the podcast, I think. That's only if we step outside. Oh, which we rarely do, to be fair. But podcasts, they've come so far. Isn't there a filter for that? Can't you just filter that out? I think so. Like a screaming children noise cancellation filter for people who work from home and have to do a Zoom meeting.

Parking dogs, leaf blowers, screaming children. Well, in honor of just accepting the fact that you're going to go through with your evil plot, I also went up to the buffet and I got everyone a banana pudding. Doesn't everyone love banana pudding? Yeah, thanks, Ankh. Is this the kind that has little chunks of banana in it

or is it smooth? Oh, there's little chunks of banana and there's also little wafer cookies in there. No, he was adored No, no, no these teeth are for show I Can't chew anything. You can't chew anything with those teeth? If I if I try to gnash Anything I'm just gonna pierce through my own teeth. My teeth can pierce my teeth Oh, I didn't think about that. I have to keep my teeth separated from one another

at almost all times. But I can consume pudding that's been, that's truly just a pudding. Do you know what I mean? Okay, well. So banana-less pudding is what you're saying. Banana. Please, I beg you. I'll go see what else they've got.

I'll go see what else they've got, I'll be right back. Thank you. Hey, hey, Harney. Yeah, what is it, cuz? Nope, put the cone on! Actually, let's use a bowl for this. Okay. I think I prefer a bowl just so.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. Here we are. Oh, it's the three of us. What's going on? Anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my perma buddy. Obviously, and I love how roomy this bowl is. If it had been a cone, I wouldn't have felt included.

Oh, good, good, good, good, good. Yeah, it's actually for the best that everyone is here, except for Uncle Usador. I was going to say, I don't know if this is within your purview, but I don't know if I'm using that word correctly. I just saw it on your phone. I have a bar I really like. It's called Morglorb Ritaville. It's a bar that serves Morglorb and also sort of nachos and stuff like that. So I don't know if Morglorb Ritaville can get on the list to not be sort of demolished or whatever. How about this?

And look, I don't wanna speak for you, Red Queen Mercia. I personally think it's a good idea to let you carve out 10 or 11 taverns that can still exist after they're all wiped out, but this is your last chance. You have to name all 10 or 11 of them now. Yeah, no, you can speak for me. That sounds great. Hop to it. Yeah, okay. Um, hmm. Fuck them all. You know what?

Fuck them all. Burn them down. Two. Two. Two. Two. Three. Great, three.

So the second one is called Fuck them all. Yes. Well, Fuck them all is an underground club. I shouldn't have told you that. I see. Oh, I have an idea for you. One of them could be called the Purview and it could be like a cat cafe,

but it's a bar where you look at happy cats. Oh, I was thinking it was the Purv-view, where you go as perverts. You get a great view. And that's number four. And that's number four. Just don't put them next to each other, you'll be fine. Exactly.

Now Arnie, I have to ask, do the perverts have a great view or do you have a great view of the perverts? Because that's a wildly different demographic. I didn't perverts have a great view, or do you have a great view of the perverts? Because that's a wildly different demographic. I didn't say it's a great view, maybe it's a pervy view. Okay. Chicken or the egg? The only smooth puddings they had were butterscotch

and lime. I'll take butterscotch because of the way you said it. Okay. Butterscotch. They did have tapioca pudding, but I thought that wouldn't pass mustard. No, those pearls would do a lot of damage. Yeah. A lot of damage.

What's going on over here? Well, while you were gone, these two decided that they wanted to kick you out of the group. What? Fine. I've had it. First you become cousins, leaving me to be just the uncle when I begged to be a cousin. Nay, I shan't stand for it a second longer.

I am going to get on the tip top of my broom. I'm going to fly straight into the sky. He flies on the broom. He looks so weird. So weird. To stand, to have the broom vertical and then to stand on the top of the handle and his arms on his side And his chin up and just fly looks insane

I would say angel dancing on the head of a pin I think it's charming but I would say river dancing because his arms are totally straight So self-serious Queen Mercia speaking of angels on the head of a pin when you you said you can't really eat because the needle teeth when you Talked as your tongue ever kind of get caught on one of the needles. Oh, I lost my tongue years ago ago It's but a fond memory. I saw something darting around in there. Is that sort of like that? Yeah, go ahead guess I thought it was like a little roach or

something close hmm a big roach closer medium-sized roach that's right okay yes and you only know it's medium-sized by guessing that there's a small version and a large version otherwise what would you have to compare it to? Of course, exactly. If you guessed medium size to begin with, I'd have to say, compare to what? Exactly. I like the way you think, Queen Merza. Queen Mer- uh, Queen Mer-Zia? Zee-kaz, kaz! Look, just consider it.

I know that you two traditionally haven't gotten along. She thinks you're weird and you think she's evil. But you know, you're my cousin, she's my permabuddy. Maybe you should consider becoming a permabuddy. Hmm, permabuddy. Is that closer than cousins? Hmm, that's just totally different. Yes, yes. Yeah, okay.

Deeply closer, deeply closer. Can I be honest with you? I did not know it would be that easy to get rid of Usador. I didn't think he would just immediately go off in half I thought he'd fight a little harder I feel that I must feel guilty oh you thought it would be easy a I'm stuck on this chandelier oh it's cute how you're hanging upside down by your legs that's very cute thank like a like the jungle gym thank you so

he dropped the broom let me grab the the broom. Let me just poke you. Oh, that was close. We really poked you, man. What? Nothing? Oh, oh, Usador, Usador. We're all just taking it in. Did you hear what Creed Mercia said?

I can't wait for Arnie to tell her what a bad idea. Here it comes. Here it comes. I love that idea. I love it. What the fuck? Why does he keep picking you? Why does he pick at you? That was the correct response.

Thinking. Thinking. Arnie, don't think too hard. Last time you did that, you squirted a little bit all over the place. No, that's true. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a little bulboussor. What?

Bulboussor? I see through your evil plot because you said it out loud a little while ago while none of us were paying attention. Yes, I did. Oni. That's honestly how a lot of people get away with a lot of stuff.

Oni, Chunt, I believe that Red Queen Mersey is trying to cause a rift betwixt us so that we aren't friends anymore. Right before our 10th anniversary when there's gonna be so much great merch. Don't forget tonight's my birthday too. Oh and Arnie's birthday, yeah don't forget it's Arnie's birthday. I don't really see it, I think she's actually pretty great. And honestly she had a cool idea for what you just mentioned. What's that?

She said we should put some Red Queen Mercia in the store. That's exactly what I was going to say. I pulled that right out of your brain and I almost said it, but you got there first. Great job, permabuddy. Permabuds! Great job, permabuddies. Woo!

Chunt, you, Annie, what about you? Do you see the machinations at play here? I mean, I don't know. It's hard for me to agree with you when you say machinations. I love that word, though. It's so like... it just works in a lot of situations that I particularly find myself in. So, getting back to the merch, because I just want to say I'm very honored and excited to

be included in this conversation. I'm very excited about your 10th as well. I'm as excited about your 10th anniversary as I am about reading this place of all the hateful bars, grills and themed restaurants, except for the ones that we've, I guess, carved out for you, the carving station. The purview, the purview. The purv- certainly those. The...

The fuck off, is that what? The fuck. Fuck them all. Fuck them all. Maybe. I would like to suggest a pin... for your tent. And I think it's very befitting for some of the trials and tribulations that you each, all three of you,

have experienced along the way. You've been very noble. You've been very brave. And I can't think of a better way to celebrate that at a 10-year anniversary than with a pin that says, my eyes are up here. How about it says, okay, Queen Mercia, this is brilliant, no notes. One note, it says my eyes are up here,

and then parentheses, this was meant to be a pin, and it's on a shirt. Ooh. I like it. I'm realizing after I suggested it that it almost sounds like I'm saying you have to wear the pin on your face. Oh yeah, that would be bad. Near your eyes.

I think our fans would like face pins, Arnie. I mean, yeah I guess so. Seems dangerous. I mean the fun thing about having a pin that says, uh, no there are no bad ideas. Now the fun thing about having a pin that says, my eyes are up here. Love that pin, by the way. Love the no bad ideas pin. The no bad ideas pin. You can put that pin anywhere

and you start to have a little fun. You know, like maybe you put it on your pants and you're like, my eyes are up here. And people are like, wait, huh? No, they're not. So you're saying the pin should say, my eyes are up here by my penis? Yeah, I guess so.

How about a pin that says, my penis is down there? That just seems true. I think that's L3 or 4. Ooh, how about a shirt, maybe it's Arnie on a shirt and it says, ask me about my medium-sized cockroach Hmm. I love that because it's about me. It's about you. It's it's a red queen. Mercia. Absolutely Well, I hate to bring this up But we actually are doing a thing on our t-shirt store on T public dot right now where if we say something should be a shirt

We replace whatever the last something should be a shirt, we replace whatever the last something should be a shirt was. So if we want one of these to be a shirt, just using it as a bad example, my penis is down there. My penis is down there. I thought there were no bad examples. That's the chun shirt, right? Oh, there are lots of bad examples. There are no bad ideas.

Yes. Oh. So that was a bad, so I had a good idea, but it made a bad example. Exactly. Okay, I feel better. I think I want my shirt to say it's my birthday. Okay.

It is, wait a minute, it is your birthday. Is that because you, do you want a shirt that says that or are you just reminding us it's your birthday? I mean, maybe a little bit of both. Happy birthday. Thank you very much. What is a birthday again? Hmm. I know that you were sort of dead for a long time and sort of brought back by horrible things And a bicycle maybe Yeah, you got bicycle handlebars on your head. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes

Were you ever when you were a person at some point, you weren't born? I like many other people in FUN was manifest manifested. I wasn't. I see. Yeah, Arnie. Some of us don't have birthdays. We were just manifested. I see.

Well, the day I was born. Humblebrak. Well, the day I was born... Humbled Brack. 49 years ago today, and every year to mark the occasion of one more year, formerly on Earth, now on Foon, is my birthday. But what do you mean you were born? Yeah, explain it. What happened? How does that work? Did you have to sign something? Yeah, let's have Chyna explain it. What happened? How does that work? When a woman... Did you have to sign something?

Yeah, let's have her try and explain it. When a woman sees a man who's wearing a shirt that says, my penis is down there. When a woman sees a man... Go on. Oh, let's take a break and I'll explain it over the break. Keep singing, keep singing. Who said, wear your shirt that have said my eyes are up here? Hello ladies and germs, boys and girls.

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And that, my friends, is how someone is born. That was disgusting. Thank you, thank you. Is that true? Yeah, every single second. Arnie, that happened to you? I will say it was pretty accurate. You know, maybe more detailed than it needed to be. But you look so dry.

Well, this is- That's a great point, you're so dry. Yeah, keep in mind, this was 49 years ago. So this is, I've had a long time to dry and get wet again and dry again Oh, we can have a shirt where chun says get wet get dry I was gonna say this all feels like it's over piece with the thirst trap pin of got silk Maybe I need to give you that pin

Really? But you suggesting you want to give one of the pins of power to me am I suggesting? I remember you suggesting you want to give one of the pins of power to me am I suggesting That instead of giving myself one more piece of the puzzle that will take me to a very specific type of domination I Would give that up to keep you in my good graces and mine in yours Yeah, and it's my birthday No, I must hold on to it. The fact that it's a fleeting fancy.

A fleeting fancy. Ooh, the fleeting fancy. That was another tavern I liked. The fleeting fancy, yes, okay. Oh wait, we're saving taverns? Nah. We're creating taverns. All the ones that exist right now,

except for this one, Toast. Okay, I want to put TGIFs on the list. Thank God it's Frost Giants. What? That's the whole reason I wanted to get rid of them in the first place. What? That place is insidious and insipid. But all the frost giants. Ysidor in Queen Merzia's defense TGIF, thank goodness. It's frost giants. Anytime you go there on your birthday Arnie, they go Is it your birthday? And then they sing happy birthday and then they go,

now let's sing it backwards. And they turn around and sing it normal again. Fuck those frost giants. Now that's evil. Yeah, that's true evil. Now I thought the theme restaurant with all the frost giants was called Chili's. Well, it is cold, but it's not chili.

Yeah, it's more frigid than Chili's. I see. And of course don't get me started It's cold, but it's not chili. Yeah, it's more frigid than chilies. I see. And of course, don't get me started on those giant insects swarming around those pieces of fruit. Ooh. Oh yeah, Ruby Tuesdays. Yep.

Sure. Yep. Sure. Now listen. Have anyone noticed that all of the restaurants have like a weird bizarro twin restaurant? So there's Applebee's and Ruby Tuesday's, there's the illusionist and the prestige, like why is that always happening?

There's Chili's and Chili's too. Mmhmm. Arnie, buddy, I don't think it's that deep of an impact, okay? Calm down. I think, look, I'm up in armageddon. That was the one that was too much. What? No, I had a burped. Red Queen Mercia, would you mind being, you know, you saw as our uncle, would you mind being our aunts?

Oh, I think I think that would bug my life. That's all of them. I think that would bug my life. That's all of them. I don't know if that's true, Capote. Anyway, I meant Capiche. I meant Capiche. Like, you did it. Yeah, right in the window. Okay, so we've all agreed that we're gonna get rid

of all bars and grills as perma buddies Of course use it or I'm including you in this because I have decided to make you a perma buddy since you also hate Bars and grills as much as I do I'm so torn. I'm finally included But yet it's an evil plan to destroy something. Oh you sir put on here. Let me just put on sorry cone Evil plan and I want to be included but yet then I would be helping the forces of evil bring their plans to fruition. Oh, what a conundrum I find myself in. I must see what has happened while this Cone's been over my head.

Oh, what did I miss? Oh, we were just watching you rub your chin so hard. God, it looked painful. Oh, I forget chin. What did I miss? Oh, we were just watching you rub your chin so hard. God, it looked painful. Oh, I forget that you can see through those things. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Be careful because that's how I ended up with most of my organs on the outside of my body, just a little too much stress, anxiety, and rubbing.

Oh yeah. You rubbed all those organs? I'm like, no, I didn't. I rubbed them right out. That's a T-shirt, that's a T-shirt. I rubbed them right out. First, I just rubbed right out. That's a t-shirt, that's a t-shirt. I dropped them right out. First I just rubbed one out. That's a t-shirt. Arnie, it's gotta be a t-shirt that says,

first I rubbed one out and then I rubbed them all out. And honestly, I'm gonna order 10 just for me, in case I wanna wear it more than once. One for each day of the Foon Week. Yes. Were they already gold or did you do that later? I did it later. It's a nice look.

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you very much. Is it too late for me to become a permabuddy? No, you already are one. I just called you it, except you interrupted me, so I wasn't heard by you. So I almost want to banish you from being a permabuddy.

But I'm going to let you stay Michael Gray's sips Let's see who do you want to kill first? You're gonna kill somebody I mean just to get warmed up before we start getting rid of all the bars and grills It's nice to kill a person or two. Oh sure How about whoever made that fucking banana pudding? Done. Oh, uh...

I mean not actually done. I haven't done it yet, but consider it done. Can we... You take care of it. Me? You brought the pudding into this. Can't we kill someone evil instead? You don't think that the person who makes pudding is evil? Little Stan?

Yeah, Little Stan. Little Stan is an evil? Oh, contraire. Little Stan's a good guy. And if we kill little Stan, you know Big Stan's coming after us. Hmm. Let him. Let him?

Well, it's actually medium-sized Stan you have to worry about. That's true. And he actually looks pretty small, but relatively, when you see little Stan and Big Stan... You can't know until you've met both Little and Big Stan. You think he's Big Stan unless you knew Big Stan. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I'm glad everyone's feeling all right

with all of this. I'm excited for you to taste your first needless death at your own hands. Did you say needless or needless? Oh no, it's gonna be full of needles. Almost exclusively needles. Of course, we'll have to sharpen each of your mouth teeths into needles as well.

Our mouth teeths? Yeah, each one of your mouth teeths will have to become needles, so who wants to go first? I can start grinding away. I'm not, I'm not, Arnie, Chunt, are you okay with this? Are you sure you want to have mouth needles and kill little Stan? Done. I'm great with it. I'm a Shakespeare, so I just. That was you. I know thatnie, Chunt, are you okay with this? Are you sure you want to have mouth needles and kill little Stan? Done. I'm great with it.

I'm a shapeshifter, so I just- That was you! I know that wasn't Chunt! Damn it! It was a pretty good Chunt impression, though. Thank you. Chunt, you're okay with it, you said? Yeah, but I'm a shapeshifter, so I'm just gonna-

There we go. Ah! Oh. Look at you! Needle teeth! Wow. Hmm. Looks creepy. Ah! Oh. Look at you! Needle teeth! Wow. Hmm.

Looks creepy. That's what you think a needle-teeth looks like. I mean, you're looking right at my needle teeth, and yet those teeth are very round indeed. They're sort of bubble-shaped. Yeah, sorry. I guess, uh, from my mind's eye, I was distracted. Try it again. Uh, needle teeth!

Did I do it? More like a bristle, like a long brush. Oh, okay. Um, uh, needle teeth. Did I do it? Not like a bristle, like a long brush. Oh, okay. Um, uh, needle teeth. Oh, sorry, that gave me a needle dick. Let me try again. Needle teeth. Hey, your eyes are up here.

Uh. Uh oh, uh oh. Let me, where? Oh shit. I'll be right back. Oh god, oh god, it's happening. Oh god, it says it's happening. Oh god, it says. Some people say that there's a man who lives in a cemetery here in Foon

And if you say his name, which ironically is Needletooth, three times, you'll summon him. So I hope that's not what happened I guess you said it four times. I don't know what that means. Well that stops him. Great. If you get that fourth one in there fast enough, he doesn't have time to grab his keys. Great. If you get that fourth one in there fast enough. Great. He doesn't he doesn't have time to grab his keys. Great. Yusador, Yusador. I don't know. I'm starting to have a little second thoughts about my perma buddy. It's weird. You know, I spend I've spent so much time with you and Chunt almost 10

years together and you both mean the world to me. But I guess maybe over the last season I was starting to feel like I was spending too much time with just you guys and not enough time with other people and so I needed a little time and I guess it's exciting to have a new friend in the Red Queen Merzia, but I don't know if I want to completely change who I am Well, that's a that's a good instinct. You should follow that I Well, that's a good instinct. You should follow that. I want you to know that I love you and I value you. Thank you, buddy. And I hope you have a very happy birthday without sharp teeth and you don't kill anyone.

Yeah, I don't want to be evil. Also, we have the anniversary coming up in just like a couple of months. How about this? Yeah, we don't want the cops breathing down on X back on my world They'd have a thing where you would be like if we don't Get married by this age. We'll marry each other that that's how almost every movie Sorry guys, I just fucked up. How about this after the anniversary if we haven't solved all of Food's problems'll turn evil.

Oh! I think we can get that done. Yeah, so March is the anniversary and then maybe we'll have like evil April where we'll just sort of give it a try. Let's see, we've been doing this for nine years and nine months and it gives us about three months to do it, fix everything. Yeah, I think we could pull it off. Yeah, you know what, we propulsive plot I've got it I've got a small emery board for each of you and you could start Paula you could start out rubbing and get them against your teeth to make them pointy go ahead Red Queen Mercia I stand against your evil

plan and Arnie stands with me and chant our friend shall shape-shift his teeth back to their normal mode and put his eyes back down there yeah how dare you stand against evil there is it oh I should you know what no I think you should there's a wonderful TV show called Stand Against Evil? Yeah, absolutely. What a weird coincidence, I bet.

Anywho. Great cast, top to bottom. Bruce Willis? Here's what I propose. Sure, at least one, Bruce. Why don't you yada yada yada anniversary three, nine months, nine years, and you turn evil if blah blah blah Oh, it's just an idea I had

It's a little ill-formed because I was far away while I was having it. Sure perma buddy You're not gonna believe this that is word-for-word what we just said Yeah, yeah, that's wild. It's like we are connected mentally. Ah, wonderful. So we're all on board. Yeah, we're gonna yada yada nine years, nine three months and then do another thing and then evil. Great.

Okay. All right, well, I guess all that's left is for me to just hang around close. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Right, Queen Mersey, this is awkward, but why don't we keep this Apple TV's platonic? That sounds like it's too close to the competitor of Applebee's. Apple TV sounds far too close to Applebee's. What did I say? I meant to say Applebee's.

Applebee's is platonic. I? I meant to say Applebee's. Applebee's platonic. All of that's fine. I'm going to stand close and just touch each one of you with one of my floating hands. No. Uh-oh. And just remind you that I'm here for that yada yada time when you're ready to become evil. I'll be just so close, you won't even be able to stand it.

So you're just going to be standing there, completely silent, for the next three months? Why does that sound so bad? I doubt she'll be completely silent. I'm sure she'll maybe say one word every three episodes or something. What do you think about that? I think that sounds great. I'll try to... Why don't you say now what some of the words that you might say in the future are

In the exact way that we'll hear them I couldn't possibly melon Jacobean frisky pirate Pilat eat Sleep be melly For five Eat. Sleep. Be melly. Four. Five.

Morrow. May we die, Fleetamouse. TRAVIS and TALIESIN laugh. Something like that. TALIESIN and MATTHEWSY Yeah. Did I ever tell you about my friend who was apprenticed to a pirate, but he was supposed to be apprenticed to a pilot?

That sounds like it's birthday related. I'm already on board. Oh Ernie Everybody ready? Hmm. I'm up here. My voice is up here Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Pick up the pace. Normal, normal, normal. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Friends, family, permabud buddies, thank you so much I love all of you, and I just learned that if you just say it's my birthday enough times Eventually people come around to singing happy birthday to you well Arnie. That's not all guys. Let's sing it backwards Just normal just sing it normal. Happy birthday to you. Just fucking normal. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy.

Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy.

Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy.

Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. Happy, happy. pretty sure I aged a year listening to that episode. But now let's get another chapter in what I call Merchandise Nightmare, because they keep changing the shirts we're selling every couple episodes, instead of story arcs and stuff like that. Apparently the new Arnie shirt reads, It's my birthday. It was less clear from the episode what the Chunt shirt will be. First they said get wet, then they said get dry, finally they landed on first I rubbed one out, then I rubbed them all out. And that's the new Chunt shirt.

It's like Darwin's theory of natural selection. But gross. To review, the current Arnie shirt is It's My Birthday. Chunt is first I rubbed one out, then I rubbed them all out. And the Yuzador shirt, aka the Steadfast Tin Soldier steadfast tin soldier is still suck it knee camp, all available in our T-public store for a limited time. Link in the show notes. This is what 2025 is going to be like. Usador the wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Merzia the Red Queen was played by special guest the resurrected Judy Garland. Oh no, that's my vision board. Merzia was played by Janet Varney. Check out Janet's podcast, Braving the Elements, currently in season 4. I remember our season 4. We weren't selling tea public shirts. It was a happier time. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of

the Magic Tavern Patreon. I'm taking a break from mentioning them by name because you've broken me. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, you barnacles, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Most importantly, if you do sign up for the Patreon, it's cheapest if you do it directly on the website. Sign up through the Apple app and there are added fees now, I guess. And with those added fees, you won't be able to buy more of our terrible shirts, so I don't know what I'm recommending. Again, sign up at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil

Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Hukdonfonex Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Red Keener. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poehling. Ha ha ha ha