Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 39 - Master of Rules (w/ Peter Gwinn)

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

All of the rules of Foon are being updated and the Master of Rules is here to reveal the new rule manuals. CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungChet Pinkley: Peter GwinnThe Red Queen Merzia: Janet VarneyMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Stephen DrangerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandTickets to SF Sketchfest HERE!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Grown-ups, enjoy bonus content of Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast exclusively on Wondery Plus. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Pardon me, just doing a little research. Device that erases concept of custom t-shirts from all time. Ugh, requires quadruple A batteries, and they only exist on a subatomic level. I'll keep at it. In less important matters, this is your last reminder that Hello from the Magic Tavern is doing a live show as part of San Francisco SketchFest this Sunday, January 19th with

special guest Richard Kind. Attend and you can find out in real time. Does our show structure have room to incorporate… what would you call it? Comedy? Link for tickets in the show notes. Now sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know. Nine years and 10 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and I used that

to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the Wander lost in the magical land of Foon. And I'm joined, as always, by my good butt, Chuck the Talking Badger. Aw yeah, bubby. How you doing, bubby? Oh, I like that. That's a fun little nickname. I'm doing pretty good. Arnie, bubby. How you doin', bubby? Um, oh, I like that. That's a fun little nickname. I'm doing pretty good.

Arnie, how are you? What's this new, what's this new cologne you're wearing? Oh, well, you know, there was just a traveling scent salesman and, you know, I'm not a big cologne guy, but I threw him a few coins just to kind of and then I try it out So I don't even know what it it sort of smells a little bit like Whiskey. Oh wait, you know what? I might have also poured out like spilled alcohol on myself Oh, yeah, your lap is covered in it. Yeah. Yeah, I just have I don't talk about it a lot but In the shape of a badger in the form of a badger

I have a pretty sensitive nose and I I really like whatever the smell is it's working for you Arnie you're pulling it off. Oh so this smell you're not you're just not saying generally speaking you're saying the smell I'm currently well in general you smell quite fine but I'm just saying this I'm saying this smell is something special well apparently this lap, well, apparently this Lap Whiskey is really working for me. I am also joined by my other co-host, Usador the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the... Ah. Yeah, man. Ah, we got it. We're all tired. I get it, man. No, sorry, it's Brenda again. Brenda? Oh, no, not Brenda. Yes. Arnie, who's Brenda?

I don't know who is Brenda. Well, you know, she's just... We've been going through a rough patch recently and I don't know exactly how to make amends with her. Ah, thickets. Just, you know, when you're in a loving relationship with someone, sometimes it's difficult to Connect in that deeper way. Have you always had a neck tattoo that said Brenda be my baby? Oh, no I just got that this week. What do you think Wow? It's it's Large I didn't It was an attempt to curry Brenda's favor back into my heart

And then as I look around further on your neck, it's not just that it says Brenda, be my baby. There's also then a picture of you, like with a woman, but a baby sized woman. Like you're cradling. Yeah, well, that isn't exactly what I told the tattoo artist to put on there. I said, Rick, I need something that really shows that I can hold her and take care of her. And I want to say, Brenda, what does it say? I can't read my neck.

Well, it says Brenda be my baby. Brenda be my baby. He took that very literally in a way I did not intend for him to do. Oh, so that is Brenda. It's not that Brenda has a baby. Brenda does have babies. Yes. Oh, but all is Brenda. It's not that Brenda has a baby Brenda does have babies. Yes Oh, but all eyes are on you with that tattoo and it looks it looks like further down your chest It says Brenda you still have not answered be my baby question mark. Okay, so this is like

Standing outside her window. I just sort of scribbled that on there myself instead of going back to Rick and over by your belly button There there are the babies the Instead of going back to Rick and over by your belly button there. There are the babies the I'm gonna shut back on. Yeah You clearly wanted us to ask about those tattoos Why even here you side so have a lot, but you had your shirt off and all these new tats Oh, wait, your knuckles say baby on one hand and Yabba on the other. Yeah, I got confused about how to spell Brenda upside down on my knuckles. So anyway, it's just that I wanted to talk to you,

my two best friends about my long time girlfriend, Brenda. How, Yusinor, I feel so, we talk all the time. You're one of my closest dearest friends. I know that you have had a few on again, off again things over the years. I know you, you, both of you like broke up with someone over the break between seasons. I didn't even know that Brenda things started,

let alone that it ended. What, you know all about Brenda, right? Oh, I would normally lie in a pretty convincing manner, but I just can't summon the energy today. I don't know if I've ever heard you mention Brenda. Really? You've just been on a dating tear. You sort of you've kind of got Seinfeld energy, basically.

What does that mean? I know that doesn't mean much to you. That just means there's like a new potential girlfriend every episode and then there's some minor thing wrong with them. I don't know what you're talking about. I did go on another date with a woman and we went into a cave and she was very ugly in there, but then outside she was beautiful. Yeah, that Seinfeld energy.

Not to be confused with modern Seinfeld energy where they're too young for you. It turned out to be an ugly cave. I was ugly. Everyone who went in there was ugly. Arnie, speaking of Seinfeld energy, I have to ask, the last couple weeks, every single hour on the hour, you come into the bar and you slam down a gold coin and say, I'm out. Yeah.

What's going on, buddy? I just can't stop jacking it, guys. Just can't stop. Well, you serve as a master of, I would say, this entire domain, this realm, right? As a wizard? Look, I wanted to buy something nice for Brenda, but I got depressed when I came in here because the price of beer has gone up astronomically. Sure, yeah.

Chunt, clearly you said you would rather talk about Brenda than my masturbation problem. Yeah, this is shocking. This is a shocking development. Normally, he would pounce on that. So, anyhoo, I just wanted to get back to the menu prices Who changed did you change the menu prices on it? No Chantin fact Where's your non alcoholic option all bars must have a non alcoholic option now Oh, sorry, let me lecturing the bartender. Let me turn this make sure we've never had non alcoholic options besides water Well, even the water has some excuse me as most of the food is alcoholic. Oh, yeah, especially the long pig. Excuse me, sir Yes. Hi, my name is Chanta

Ashanti, I'm sort of a representative of the tavern. We don't really have non alcoholic beverages here Well, you must gain them. It's the new rule. Oh, well, sorry my friend No, no, no, honey. Honey. Honey. This is the master of rules The food master that I've been hearing about This is the food master He can change all the rules and foods. He hasn't done it in over 10 years Is that you sir door? Oh, yes Yes food master. I at his eye What? Is that Yusador? Uh, yes. Uh, yes, Foon Master. Uh, it is I, the great wizard Yusador.

Are you still Yusador the Blue? Uh, yes, still Blue. The color thing, is that... How's that working out for you? Well, hoping to stick with Blue. Been working out for me pretty well so far. I'm thinking wizards may have to redefine themselves with something other than colors. What?

Just as a new rule. Well, I am also the master of light and shadow I manipulate magical lights. Yeah, I devour chaos I'm a champion of the- no, there will be no chaos devouring under the new rules. Oh no I'm so sorry. Hi, I'm my name is Arnie. I'm from another world. Would you mind sitting with us and chatting? I'd love to hear more about these rules. This is the first time hearing about them. Yes, absolutely. Can we get you anything?

Perhaps a non-alcoholic beverage like? Oh no, I booze it up hard. Oh, okay, good. Well, we just want an option for other people. Yes, it's just the new rules. We're trying to be more inclusive of various viewpoints, and so people who wish to imbibe non-alcoholic drinks must be represented.

Okay. Okay. We're making a big push. We're doing a whole new set of rules for food coming in this next several months. What? We just felt it was time for a change. Oh well, certainly we're happy to go along with any changes. Honey, sit up straight.

Alright. Chunt, comb your hair. All of it? All of it. My fur you mean? Yes, your furry hair. This is going to take a while. So Food Master, can I call you Food Master or Is there something else you would refer to be prefer?

You can call me chat chat. Okay Chat I am the food master, but you can call me chat Chet pinkly Chet pinkly But these days I go by the master of rules the master of rules so is there these like rules for businesses and establishments? Like you go into taverns and you're like, oh, you can't play music. You have to subscribe. And also gravity. Yeah. Oh, the motions of the planets.

Right. Oh, what it takes for a strong fighter to become an even stronger fighter Which spells you can use and why which artifacts are possible to obtain here? Chants was it yes try this comb. It's a new item It will in one stroke perfectly quaff every hair on your body I don't think that's possible and item like that doesn't exist. Whoa! Whoa! I'm quaffed! I'm quaffed, John! I'm strangely attracted to you for the first time. Wow. That's just one of many new items coming in the new set of rules.

I encourage all of you to purchase the books of new rules when they are released in the next couple of months. Of course, anything you ask. Well, are all the rules set in stone yet, or are you still working a few of those out? Many of them are in stone, and some of them I'm still tinkering with a little bit. Good, good, good. I'm also soliciting new art. Sure. We want a lot of new art in the new rules.

It's very important and a lot of new art on walls also. Oh okay. Brenda's a bit of an artist. She does some watercolors. I'm sorry he's going through a breakup. Who said I was breaking up with her? You said you miss Brenda. You want Brenda back. I said things weren't going well. Oh. Look, one rule that's never going to change is desperately trying to find employment for your girlfriend as a way of maintaining a salvaging, a failing relationship, who never works. Eh, tell me about it.

I used to try to get Jen Levy to go to different forests and be like, hey Maybe you can do your magic in this forest. She didn't want to hear any of it. Very much the case very much the case I'll try to get you something to eat or to drink perhaps a whiskey On top of another whiskey or in your lap. Yeah, we have lap whiskey now. Oh, I will take one of the three Excellent. I'll be right back. So Master Pinkley, what are the rules of the heart? Ah, well, the rules of the heart previously were quite convoluted. And they will remain so. But in a different order. The order should make them more accessible.

So confusing but new. Yes, absolutely. Number one, of course, follow your heart. Okay. Rule number two, the heart wants what the heart wants. Okay, classic. Rule number three, if you have left your heart, you have to find it in one of three magical realms. Okay. Three magical realms.

Okay, interesting, interesting. Is there, do you mind, like, could I try to guess what one of those realms are? I mean, magical realms. Okay, interesting. Is there do you mind like could I try to guess what one of those realms are? I mean you can. Is one of them San Francisco? Arnie there are billions of realms. What are you doing? Yes, very close. It's Fran San Cisco. Oh, holy shit! Damn Arnie, good guess. Oh, Fran San Cisco, they have a great fest sketch. Not anymore they don't.

What? Oh no. That's been eliminated to the new rules. Oh no. Yes, the rules were working for a long time, but then just under ten years ago there was a massive disruption in Foon that sent ripples throughout the entire land, and everyone found themselves thinking new thoughts and trying new things and using new words,

and eventually we decided we had to update the rules to encompass some of these changes that were made, very intrusive changes. Arnie, I want us to be very careful as we move throughout the next little bit here. This could have a huge impact on our merch. Oh shit. You know what I'm saying? If the rules change, if up is down and down is up, we might have to change my shirt to

my penis is up here, right? Yeah. In fact, should we? Let's wait and see. Okay. Here's your whiskey and your other whiskey and your lap whiskey. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I also brought some mozzarella wands for the table. And I ordered a whole roast chicken complete with gravy and roasted vegetables. It shall be a feast tonight, and all shall be happy, and not feel the need to go mixing things up that need nothing mixed up.

Here's something you'll find very interesting. Yes? Previous, with the previous set of rules, the cost of this fine meal you have prepared is up to the discretion of the tavern owner. But now, under the new rules, everything will have a specific price. This will be three gold, two brooms, and one pickle stick. Wait, we have to pay in brooms and pickle sticks?

Yes, there's a new currency system coming. Oh, okay. There will be conversion tables in the new book. So again, I highly encourage you to purchase the new book. That works out great for me. I have like six groves of pickle sticks sitting in my house. Brenda's been telling me to get them the hell out of there. And now I'll be able to buy things with them.

Man, I've never seen Ysitora with such notice me, senpaipai pick me energy. This is really weird. Why don't we take a quick break? I'll grab us a whole round of Lap whiskies and we'll get to know more of these new rules. I gotta say, Master Pinkley, your lap smells great. It really does. They say Hollywood is where dreams are made, a seductive city where many flock to get rich,

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And Chet, do these magically update or? Yes, absolutely. They magically update for 30 days, and at that point you will need to purchase a new copy of the subsequent rules guide. I see. Alright. Hmm. Well, that I understand. Check out the art, you guys. Look at the art. Wow, this is pretty... A lot of art in there, right?

Yeah, it's good. The book is far larger than it needs to be so that we could include all the art. I would say most of these pages have very few rules, but a lot of art. Yes, we want it to be art forward this time. Yeah, a couple of these pages have half a rule. If you go to the back, you will find there are about 10 pages there with about 400 rules on each page.

Whoa. Yeah, and it looks like a lot of, at least up top, the first couple chapters. Looks like the font is like, what, 56 size 62? What is this? Yeah, that's a 78. Yeah, it's about half a word per page. Yes, and then in the back, it's a 0.78 font. Oh, yeah, hard to read. I can summarize any of them for you. For example

Magic. Magic was too complicated. So we decided to change those rules of the night. Having a long list of specific components in order to cast any spell at all is now incredibly important. Wait, are any of the components pickle sticks? That's money. Damn it. Well, in the previous set of rules, of course, pickle sticks could be used to cast any spell at all. But we changed that.

So now it is a long list. There are seven to 17 required components per spell. If you are missing even one of them, you cannot cast any spell at all until the following day. You've got to be kidding me. So, but it's got to be like common stuff I've already got around like some lint or maybe like a piece of stick or a- Yes, five of the components are very common items.

Good. But then two of them, you gotta go hunting. No. Ooh. Good, but then two of them. Yeah, I gotta go hunting now Fuck so now every episode you sit or is gonna have a long list of stuff Well, I have been wanting to work more components into my spellcasting So I think this will really help slow the pace of the show to the pace I think it should be at have you said your full name today? No, I haven't hmm Anyway, I have a question. Is there anything in the world? I'm so sorry to interrupt. Does Brenda hate your full name?

No, of course not. Why would she? Who doesn't sure if this was a Brenda thing? Like you were like ever, ever since you started dating Brenda, you're like, I'm not going to do all these names. No, I just got depressed in the middle of my first name. Do you live together? Well, she's uh, she lives downstairs from me That's how he meant. She was renting from me Seems unethical. Oh, yeah There is a very strong rule than the new book that you are not allowed to start a romantic relationship with someone who is Renting a unit in your home. Yeah. Well, I stopped I stopped charging her the rent about her I don't know three three, four months ago?

Check a chapter eight creepy behavior. Oh no, there's rules for creepy behavior now? All right, Ani, you better flip to that page. Oh boy. We wanted to be very specific that there are creepy behaviors that are completely unwelcome in food and others with a little wiggle room. No smelling your cousin's lap.

What the fuck? Oh well then you can't smell my lap, sorry. Ah, we're cousins now. Oh, I will note that. And I'm their uncle apparently. Mm, that doesn't seem right. Does that make Brenda, uh, your aunt? Are you married? Are you married?

Did you marry Brenda? No. I mean, I've asked several times. Well, that would be surprising because getting married is now a very tedious process. A lot of components? Very many components. It requires a... you must visit four different lands and speak with an elder in each to get permission and a blessing. And then of course you must each find a magical ring hidden in a deep cave.

And it's not the same cave for the both of you. Okay. What if I already have some magical rings? Do I still have to find a new one? Yes. Master of Rules, I have a follow-up question. Why? Well, that's a very good question.

Oh, thank you. Sometimes you feel like it's time to freshen things up. Sometimes you feel like you would like to make money. Sure. Sometimes something interrupts the normal status quo of a land and you find that people are exploiting loopholes that they have come up with on their own and doing things that go against the natural method of things and that you have to stop it and squelch it in its tracks and say you will not be creative in that way

You will be creative in the ways I say you can create Look at this two-page splash of a wyvern pretty cool pretty cool. Sorry. I was just looking at the art again It's beautiful. You said something disrupted the natural Yes, roughly ten years ago, give or take. Someone- Arnie showed up about 10 years ago. We're about two months away from him.

Have you been here for 10 years? Can you believe it? What a coincidence. Let me look at you. Sure. Ooh, oh, sure. Let me sense your energy with this new item and energy sensing coin

Guys is he coming on to me? Coins that sense energy. What are we doing? This is yeah? This is you you're the reason all the rules stopped working Oh, honey, I mean, I guess I do consider myself a little bit of a bad boy and a rule breaker But could I have broken all the rules and all of food? Well, think about what you did in the cider house last year Arnie. Yeah, that's big shit in the apples This makes it with Where are you from me? No you

Sorry No, you sorry. We're? Sorry. No, you. Sorry, we're all sitting so close together and your fingers are so big. Sorry, and I am not pointing at anyone. I'm looking straight at the ceiling when I say it. Sorry, let me- You're just saying frustrated. I'm so frustrated!

Ahhhhh! I'm from another world. It's called Earth. But I've been here in Foon. I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King in another world. It's called Earth. But I've been here in Foon. I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King in my world. I've been here for nine years and ten months, more or less. This is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. All of a sudden, there's a new magical land called Earth.

And you have all of these. What are these unlicensed magical items you have here on the table? Oh, this is Oni's technology. Yeah, this is a microphone. It's, I guess you would call it Earth magic. Yeah, and we taped over the logo, so I think we're all fine here, right? Well, that remains to be seen when we put it in the artwork. Oh. Oh, wait, is there to be art of us in the book? Well once you have this technology, everyone thinks they can have technology.

And everyone is like, well actually there's nothing in the rules that say I can't have this magical technology. And then the next thing you know they're handing a spear down a row of 3,000 people so that they can launch it at light speed. Oh, real quick, speaking of the rules, is there anything in the rules that says a dog can't play mittens? No, there's nothing in the rules that says a dog can't play mittens. Fuck yes! This rules! This rules! Uh, oh, uh, Arnie, I, uh, Chet makes a good point.

The, the Baron did copy your laptop at one point and make his own version of it to make his own evil podcast. Oh, it's true. Ever since I've gotten here, there've been a lot more podcasts that popped up all over FanPod. I keep hearing about podpires. This is all from you.

Now I have to have podcasting rules. Oh no, are there podcasting rules in this book? Yes, it's look in the back of the book. It's chapter 14 I had to put that whole thing in I've also noticed the chapters are not in numerical order like chapters are numbered But they're not in order. No, we wanted things to be in a order that felt like more of a natural progress So we reordered all the chapters without changing any of the numbers that makes podcasting Each podcast host must be introduced one at a time Unless there is an odd number of hosts and then they all must start talking at once up top what okay?

That's gonna. This is common sense stuff most of it You may have no more than 20 ad breaks, but no less than 15. No less than 15. Feels like a lot. Yeah. They fly by. Not the way we do.

Well, at the very least, I can simplify some things right now. I mean, the work I've had to do to contain the damage you've caused, Arnie, has been, it's taken me most of the past five years it's been exhausting but at least we can simplify these planes this earth business yeah that's that's not going to be in the new rules there is no longer any earth in food no what does that mean there's no earth and food where you from now Arnie

that dimension no longer exists it's no longer part of the natural law of Foon. So you can be from somewhere else this time. Wait, can he do that? Can he make Earth and everyone on Earth and all of our listeners non-canonical? I mean, he is the Foon Master, the master of rules. I think we must go along with what he does say. Where do you want to be from, Arnie? Maybe like, um, Skr? Or, um, North-Eastia? Do I have to be from Foon? Like, if I'm not from Earth, can I be from some other place? Good question. What about Pizza Hell?

Here comes the loopholes again. I just like being special. This is exactly, you are so clearly the loophole guy. This is why if you will notice the very first rule in the book is that anyone who begins a sentence with the phrase, well, technically is immediately banished. Oh no. Arnie, buddy.

I'm trying to find the first page, but there's a lot of art in here There's a lot of art first page of rules is actually page 76 okay of the rules guide. Oh, I found in the back where it credits all art provided by yeah That's Chet Pinkley. Oh, oh These are all your drawings. Yeah Yeah, well, thank you very much It's been ten years in between rules guides and I've only really had to work for the last four

So I've had a lot of time to work on my art Kind of saying I've noticed looking through these pages and this is not a complaint letting me make it very clear Almost all of the creatures are very busty. Yes, yes indeed. That sells books. Oh, yeah. That's, check that. I actually bought three coffees. If you'll notice, there has been a natural trend

among the various residents of Fuen toward greater bustiness lately. That is both the cause and result of my art. Yes, I did notice on that two page spread of the Wyvern how busty it was. Then I flipped the page and I noticed I really enjoyed this busty Medusa carving a bust of herself.

I thought that was sort of ironic and funny. Carving a stone statue. A lot of visual wordplay. That's very clever. Yes, there is. I've also had a lot of time to work on my wordplay. And the bustiness, just to be clear, does. Everyone, regardless of gender or species, is way busty in the book.

Sure, yeah, well of course. That's the right way to describe it, way busty. Yes, well that's the technical term. If you will go to page 112, you will find the bustiness table. It's hard to turn to a certain page because all the page numbers are out of order. Yeah. Yes, we We had to shuffle the papers, you know how it goes The chapters we reorder the pages within the chapters, but the numbers Canonical. Yeah, so one thing that never changes in food

So master of rules, let me... I totally get what you're doing here. It seems very important, and I'm sorry if I've added to your work. But I do like being special, and I'm willing to pay some extra coins or pickle sticks or whatever. Like, could there be expansion manuals? Like, books of rules? Like specialized rules? Absolutely. We will make a number of rules expansions that we will be releasing periodically.

And if you'd like one to focus on you, that can be arranged. And then when the next major rules expansion comes along we will collect all of the Expansions inside rules that have developed over the year We will arbitrarily pick 70% of them and make those the new rules guide and never mention the other ones Huh, isn't gonna be a lot harder to live in food Even if all these rules are for the better, the transition... Yes, they're all very simple. They're all very simple. And don't worry about the transition, because one of the rules in the new rulebook is if

you like the old rules better, you can keep using them. Oh, really? Oh, that's good to know. So I can just cast spells by saying some crap? If you prefer the new rules or the old rules... I don't prefer the new rules. I prefer the old rules. So I shall say, Caleb licked in karma! And then like shall be. Yeah, fuck yeah. Still got it. And so if I prefer Earth to still exist, it still exists. Well, if you like the old rules, but then you won't be using the new rules, you see. And if I want to have a big old whiff of my cousin's lap, like so, I can go ahead and do that. It is ironically grandfathered in.

Now, I'm flipping through here, and I'm not seeing anything about wizards and their long-term relationships, and their romantic relationships. Oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry. I misspoke earlier. There are... Wizards rules are binding. Damn it. In the new rules. We felt with the various talk of wars that it would be a good idea to plop a brand new set of binding rules down before things got out of hand. That's a good idea. Damn, I can't... I can't deny it's a good idea.

So, long list of spell components we're gonna be downplaying the whole colors thing you can only have a romantic relationship with another wizard and also no shoes no shoes oh man chin tan the teal's gonna be pissed. Shoes interfere with the mystical auras that surround Foon and permeate every living thing. Your connection with the ground that you walk on is so vital that there cannot be shoes in the way. Oh shit, the band live was right after all.

Explain? On my world there's the band live was right after all explain on my world. There's a band live Well a lot of bands are live right yeah, but they were called life I mean we have live bands here live bands here already all the time Yeah, what I'm saying is there a guy in that band didn't wear shoes was he a wizard I mean he was throwing copper if that means anything Oh copper is now the most valuable currency. Come on! Fuck, I keep throwing, I've been throwing away copper.

Like, I hate copper so much I've been throwing it away. Everyone's gonna steal our pots and pans. Buy shit with them. I mean, that's, that sounds like a you problem. Well, let's take another quick break. Guys, let's go ahead and rip out all the copper wiring we have in the tavern here you know to help conduct magic and we'll be right back with more of Chet and his beautiful busty drawings.

Chet I've been flipping through the handbook here. Love your art. Could not be a bigger fan. I noticed that every single creature that's in the book, big and busty, they're all wearing a wedding ring and engraved in fine detail it says, happily married to C.P. on each ring. Oh, you noticed that? Yeah, it just seems like an interesting detail. Yes, that was a little eggday egg I put in there for fine readers to enjoy.

Oh, very cool. I also noticed that at the start of every piece of art, so much detail, just lavishly produced, and the color and the inking. And then as it goes from left to right It's sort of more blocky. You didn't even bother coloring in the back third It just seems like you really give up after the front bosom. Yeah. Well, you know, it's a allocation of resources

right, most people focus on the bustiness and then I used to draw highly detailed sandals and When I asked people what do you think about the sandals? They said what sandals and eventually I said well This is a waste of all of our time Rule 48 all Chet's rule everyone else drools Chet fucking reigned supreme. What is this? What's this rule? I think that's self-explanatory. I mean, that's the one rule that hasn't changed in quite a while. That one's been in all of them so far. Chet's rule, other people drool. Chet, I mean, you might have already mentioned this. How much does this book cost?

Because if it's all the rules for food, it almost seems like a public service. People should be able to have access to it, even if they don't have enough coins. Or pickle snakes. Well, you can have a friend who purchases it, and then you can borrow it from them if, you know, you hang out long enough. But we really, we really encourage everyone to get their own copy for their own home I only bring it up because I don't want this this project to have be controversial because of the price I don't want you to have like a bill Mar of your new rules Till I don't follow you

That's okay. No, it's the new book it it of course There's a variety of currencies that can be used for it. It is 3600 Pickle Sticks, or it can be 90 gold pieces, or two copper, of course. And also, you can barter for it. It makes it much easier to get a hold of it for whatever you have. Surely you can come up with some form of payment. And then have your own copy, which, you know, having your own copy, Arnie, is very important. It's just one of the costs of being a citizen in Foon, like paying your taxes, or paying the Death Man, or...

Paying the Death Man man who's the death man oh he's in the rule book you can go to the index look up death man and that will take you to the explanation besides if people don't have enough money they are welcome to purchase the moneymaker's handbook which then will give them a variety of ways to design a career in

which they can make more money ooh I'll take two. Alright. Alright. That will be one and a half copper. Ah, damn it. I knew it. Why did you buy two copies of the same-

It is cheaper than the regular man, though. You bought two copies of the same book. You are not gonna be a money maker. No, we're supposed to all be talking at the same time, I remember. Maybe I want to read it twice, Arnie. Ever think of that, genius? Oh, shit. Quick question.

Sure. Before I do the the conversion who is that? You're looking at the ceiling. Who are you pointing at? I'm sorry. I once again forgot to point the large Red person who has yet to speak. Oh Right, that's the Red Queen Mercia. Yeah, don't don't mind her. She's just feeding on our hopes and dreams. I think she generally only says about one word an episode. Melon. Oh, and there it was.

The Red Queen Merzia? Yeah, she's evil. She's evil. All right, all right. And I'm sorry, let me get my sketchbook out. And, yeah. Oh, let me see the sketchbook out. And yes. Oh, let me see this sketchbook.

Lights up in a cave, two coworkers sitting around a candle. Man number one, hey Doug, do you see the new candle today? And now let me get out my drawing book. Artie, these sketches suck. Let's draw a quick picture of the Red Queen of Mersey. Yes. And...

Chat, while you draw, if you don't mind me asking, what do you do when you're not coming up with rules for food? Well, a variety of things. I spend a lot of time walking around my house looking for things that could be simplified. Sure. of time walking around my house looking for things that could be simplified. I used to play quite a bit of mittens, but then I changed the rules and was asked to leave. By the way, we've simplified the rules of mittens yet again in the new rules. I don't understand how it could get any simpler. A child could play that.

Well, absolutely. We wanted it to be accessible to everyone. So now there's only one rule and it's try your best. Oh, OK. Larry Birdman's going to be thrilled. Yeah, I think. Well, you might have overshot it. Like he might have not wanted to get that simple. Well, it was I mean, people were asking for it. So if they would like to reinstate me and discuss some additional rules

I'm sure we can work something out and they can also just play by the old rules and they can play by the old rules if they Choose to yes Tough because in a game will some people be playing by the old rules and some people will be playing by the new rules the same time Yeah, that's that mean that's possible. There's no rule that says two different Mittens teams can't play by the different set of rules if they choose to. That's gonna make it even more confusing. Chet, Chet, have you ever know, I'm so sorry if I'm prying, but have you ever noticed that your fixation on rules or your

your sort of need to create rules, does that ever affect your interpersonal relationships? You know, the funny thing is it's the opposite of the case. I've had some trouble in the relationship department due to a lack of clear and concise rules. Such as there was no rule that said that you could not have sex with many other partners. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Well. And that turned out to be a problem. Yeah, I mean. Which I said there was no rule for it and she did not care. I think technically, when you're in a committed relationship. You're banished. Damn it.

I forgot. Whoa. Hey, so he's banished. Like where where does he where's he banished to? I'll get my bindle and I'll get out of here. Oh, no, he just I'm gonna pop him into a pocket dimension for just a second Oh, oh! Okay, that's good. That's good to know. In fact, that's a new rule that I am going to This whole podcast is gonna commit to that. From now on what was the phrase?

Well technically? Goodbye! Oh fuck! I mean I think I have to... well technically... Oh boy goodbye. Let's get another round of lap whiskies. Do you have anything you want to say red lady? Jacobian! And three, two, one. Let that be a lesson to you. Yes, I may. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, took you longer? Well, to be honest. Oh, you're pushing it. No, that's fine. You can honestly speak about the rules. I encourage that. Chet, again, and again, I'm so sorry for all the personal questions. I also notice you have a tattoo on your neck. Yes, yes I do.

It seems to say Brenda be my baby? Ah, it says Brenda be my busty, but very close. Oh, yes. Oh, it says busty and they're sort of like heavy-handed ink Drawn over top. Yeah, I can see that. Huh. So is there Let's check the rules check rules rule 152 only one Brenda allowed in food. Okay, so this is the same Brenda. Yeah, well, I mean Assuming you're dating a foolish Brenda just because you got rid of Earth doesn't mean there's not all kinds of other realms.

There's many, many different dimensions, but only one Brenda. Okay, here's how here's how we'll discern if we're all playing by the new rules or half of us are going by old rules. Both of you at the same time describe Brenda, your Brenda. at the same time describe Brenda, your Brenda. Well, she is not a wizard. She is tall. She is kind of blonde with a big green streak in her hair.

Uh, yes, blonde with a big green streak in her hair. Oh, Arnie, look, Chet's drawing. She loves quinces. Loves quinces and being busty. She does love being busty. She talks about it incessantly. Loves word games, but only when she's about to fall asleep. She doesn't like to sleep anywhere near where I'm sleeping.

So I don't, I can't back that one up. She has several children. Cuddles up right on me, can't get her off me at night. She has several children who I'm paying to help go to school. Has several children with me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Arnie, I think they're talking about the same Brendan. Maybe. Also, Chun, have you ever fallen in love with the description of a woman? Oh, yeah. I once heard about a woman where she smokes a pack a day. Oh wait, that's me, but anyway.

You ever met Virginia, Arnie? No. The only question I could think of about Virginia I don't want to ask. Has Virginia met the Red Queen, Mercy? Um, I don't know. Does she want to? Uh, you'd have to ask her. We unfortunately broke up. Yes, Virginia.

I'm sort of thinking this rule about not being able to date anyone other than a wizard, which also not not cool. Uh, I think it's mostly about you want to date Brenda. Brenda's clearly not interested in me, even though I think I've been dating her for several months and, uh, you've just decided to cut me out of it. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, sorry. I thought I nailed it on the head. Okay. Never mind. I was wrong. Have I told you about the new rule that all schools are paid for three years in advance?

Jazzos, crost. Fine. Here, take the rest of my pickle sticks. for three years in advance. Ugh. Jazzos, crost. Fine. Here, take the rest of my pickle sticks. Thank you. By the way, I'm still up in the air on how long a day is going to be. I think we might change that up. How long?

What are you thinking? What do you got kicking around? Well, alright. How many hours is a day right now? Twenty-five hours. And does that feel long or short? Feels just a little bit longer than it should. A little long, except during loop year,

which of course is when you relive the entire year over again. One of our worst seasons. Yes, we're definitely keeping that. I'm thinking perhaps a day is either going to be 26 hours or until three interesting things have happened. Oh! Arnie! I know which one for sure.

This is so easy. Do the 26 hour one. That way Arnie can do the dishes. Sounds good. Alright, done! That was a close one, you guys. We almost had days where three interesting things happened every single day. That would have have been exhausting have to react constantly or at least but also on the opposite end of it You could have a day that's like this stay has lasted three years and it's then nothing interesting has happened

Oh, I didn't even think about it that way. Huh? Done ten seconds ago or any fuck Arnie I think you should do your best to undo everything you've done since you got here. I haven't done much. I feel like I've accomplished very little. Arnie. I don't know, you're the greatest warrior in food.

Yeah. That's true. You also started, I wanna say, the number two podcast in all of food. That's true. Right behind podpires. Yeah. You wore that hat that one time. Oh yeah, didn't work out, but. That hat were him were like it.

Yeah, you should check. You should check chapter seven also you. If I'm recalling correctly, you may be interested in the new rules involving how long you can live with the sword sticking out of your chest. It says you can live twice, it just says twice as long. Yeah twice as long as before. But that's so if I so to be clear if we have another storyline where I get a sword stuck in my chest it's gonna last twice

yes it will last twice as long as the previous one. Oh, I think we should have gone the opposite direction on that one. Well, let's be careful because if that happens and it lasts twice as long and we somehow hit a loop year, that's gonna go on for a long time. Is that specific to Ani or anyone with a sword stuck in their chest? It's anyone with a sword stuck in their chest. Okay, good to know. So it almost behooves you to put a sword in your chest. And basically, yeah, you might as well do it.

You're losing money. Well, technically you're not. Goodbye! Huh, okay. Well, I've already done the sword in my chest thing. Want to you want to do it for a couple months? Me? I don't know.

We should look at them. Don't look at the ceiling when you speak to them. That's what I've learned today. Well, I hated that episode. We have enough fake dimensions floating around here without all this talk of pocket dimensions. The only pocket dimension I know about is the one where I keep my stash of Werther's originals to throw at old people. Usual of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chomp the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. Chet Pinkley, the Master of Rules, was played by special guest Peter Gwynn.

Peter is a writer for Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR, and is a teacher at the brand new Home Comedy Theater in Chicago. Oh, I've seen Peter on stage once or twice, and enjoyed his signature brand of low-status, easily-killed characters. Often Peter's characters are killed before you even see them in the show. I remember one time seeing him stumble while walking on stage and shouting, well, I guess my character the mayor just fell down and died. I didn't really want to be in the show anyway, except maybe as a low-status henchman or silent townsperson. Oh, how status and the spotlight frighten me. Me, Peter Gwynn. Mersey of the Red Queen was played for two whole words by Janet Varney. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spinoffs and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, a boy's night to kick off the new year. I'm gonna have to go over there and jump and punch it with one hand. Oh, his wrist must be broken. Did you hear that sound Ernie? Yeah. His wrist is broken. Yikes.

Oh, his hand sounds like a tight bag full of nails. Oh buddy. Stop punching it. I only got about six. Oh, it's one per punch. That's a bad system. At that point you should just go pick new mushrooms. It's much easier to pick a mushroom than to punch an invisible brick in the sky. Yeah, I wish I would have known. So I'm gonna cook these mushrooms up real quick. While I cook them, obviously we can't sort of like fast forward fast forward that like clearly we have to sit and watch me cook them sure could we

could you guys sing like a little song or something just so I don't get bored cooking these all right now I'm sorry I do a new song oh yeah do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do done cook mushrooms that can't Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. Done. Cooked mushrooms? That can't be right. Let's see, what did I put in the pan? Allow me to be the first to say 2025, yikes. To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show,

visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Also an important reminder that it's cheapest if you sign up directly on the website. If you sign up directly on the website. If you sign up through the Apple app, there will be new added fees. Yuck. So, once again, you can sign up at Patreon.com slash Magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adil Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Anna Haverman. This episode edited by Stefan Drainger. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. ["Magic Tavern Theme"]