Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 4 - King Ron (w/ Ron Funches & Erin Keif live from San Francisco Sketchfest)

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Our live show from San Francisco Sketchfest with Ron Funches as a worried King and Erin Keif as Momo the Mouse with Human Strength.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiKing Alphadaronious Exstian III: Ron FunchesMomo the Mouse: Erin KeifMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Tim JoyceMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandSpecial Thanks: Janet Varney and everyone who helps make SF Sketchfest such a great festival, as well as the wonderful staff at the Brava Theater.Deadline article about the Magic Tavern Animated Series!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as Black experiences, you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcast. What does it mean to be Black in America? In NPR's Black Stories, Black Truths, a collection of stories as varied, nuanced, and dynamic as black experiences,

you'll hear. It means everything. Search NPR Black Stories, Black Truths wherever you get your podcasts. People of blue-green space dander. Wait, no, what do you call it? Oh yes, Earth. The following podcast is not real. And not only is this episode not real, but it's a recording of a live show at the Brava

Theatre as part of the San Francisco SketchFest, during that break between seasons. So where does it go within the overall timeline of the show? That's a great question. If you'd like to watch a video version of this episode, instead of just listening to it, where you can see the expressions of all those innocent audience members rethinking their choices,

an entire visual recording is available to Patreon subscribers at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Will this be what finally gets you to become a Patreon member? Frankly, I don't think you have it in you. Prove me wrong and sit back and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Niekamp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to podcasts before, hello stranger.

Don't worry, I'll keep you safe. Here's everything you need to know. Nine years ago, or almost nine years ago, here. Here's everything you need to know. Nine years ago, or almost nine years ago, here's the only thing you need to know is I'm bad at math. A little over eight and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a wifi signal from the Burger King. Well, wait, wait no actually that's not true either because apparently we've been notified recently that the Burger King is closed and I've been notified via Twitter within the last week that an actual demolition order has been approved. So what I'm saying is, if at some point the podcast just stops coming, we know why. But for whatever reason, right now, we are still getting some kind of Wi-Fi signal

through the dimensional Rift that I used to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern, the strange familiar, where we all are now in the magical land of Foon and I am joined as always by my co-host Chunt the Talking Badger! Oh yeah baby! Oh, yeah, baby. How you doing, buddy? Good.

How's my work wife? Do you consider me your work wife? I think so. And we're at work. This is work, right? It feels like work. That's just the kind of thing a wife likes to hear. No, honey! No, sweetie, please!

I'm sorry dinner's cold. You know last night when I came home late and you were sitting on the steps swirling a glass of wine and dinner was cold? Yes. Swirling a glass of wine. It's pretty impressive. Arnie, did you notice things seem a little weird. The tavern seems bigger than usual. It feels like we have a food moon. Oh, a food moon. Is that when the moon is slightly out of focus? Yes, exactly. It's very, you can almost touch

it. Do you think I could grab that? Or do you think I could grab the moon? Yeah. How much do you want to bet? Five coins. Whatever currency we use. Okay, let's see here. All right. All right.

Let's get, can you get the Tavern Locals hyped? Okay. Sean, before you run, I need to, there may be something wrong. When you jump, the top half of your head leaps up higher than the rest of your head. Yeah. No, I'm shifting to make me more aerodynamic. Okay. Also, how much do you think the night sky costs? Cause I don't want to break the sky. Yeah.

I don't want to break the night sky. Yeah, I won't touch it. Okay, good, good work. Yeah, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna fucking touch that. That's too high. But it is a moon, Arnie. Yeah. And moon moons can cause some pretty weird shit to go down.

OK, like? Oh, boy. Well, I have your phone here. And if people were to email me at chuntwith6t's at gmail.com with questions, some of those emails may not go through. Because of the food moon. Because of the food moon, Arnie. The food moon. So what you're moon, Ernie. The food moon.

What you're saying is if at any point tonight, if something doesn't pay off, it's probably the food moon. It's the food moon. Ernie, listen to me. I'm out of breath. That's probably because it's a food moon and no other reason. Chunt, we got up off of our stools and walked over there. That's the most action we've had in months. Well, I've had sex. Oh. Well, are you open to follow up questions?

Yeah, absolutely. Ask away. You said it was an oyster. It was an oyster. Okay. Yeah. I don't even know what questions to ask. So do you like, just, I feel like any question I ask is going to reflect poorly on me. Do you, do you, do you, just kind of lay it on top? Arnie, food moon. Food moon. Food moon's affecting you. Yeah. Did you say what?

Does the oyster lay on top? No, do you just like dip, I don't know what. Food moon. Food moon. Food moon's affecting you. Yeah. Did you say what? Does the oyster lay on top? No, do you just like dip? I don't know what. Uh, dip the tip? Yeah, Arnie. Okay. If you go to an oyster's bed, you dip the tip.

Okay. Yeah. A little lemon. A little lemon. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It stings at first, but you get used to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just a little different. Yeah. Yeah, and then you You just get a little mmm, that's briny. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Okay But you know what, speaking of, you know there is someone who we could ask about their sex life. Oh, yeah. Our other co-host, do you know, sometimes it's easy to forget, it's not just the two of us.

What? I know. Who, Mundle the Grundle? Well, okay, here's the thing, it's not just the three of us. So let's bring out here, okay, here's the thing, it's not just the three of us. So let's bring out here our other good buddy who we love, even though we sometimes forget he exists. I want to say Titanic Tony. Titanic Tony!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Yusador the Blue! Yusador! Wizard of the Telflale, Moabitius! Master of light and shadow! Manipulator of magical delights! Devourer of chaos! Champion of the great halls of Tarrakis! Known to the elves as Fianyalech! Known to the dwarves as Zonan and Hoogstanges! Shut up! Yaluk, known to the dwarves as Zodan and Hoogstanges, shut up, and known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maestah, and lo, though I have many secret names, there is only one I can utter aloud that will cause me to freeze time, appear on the moon, and then reappear here and unfreeze time and that name is...

Why did you think you knew it? That person was so confident. Well now I'm not going to do it. Oh. Lunar Cheesius! And I'm back. Yeah? Yeah?

You know how it's a moon and everything? Yeah, I've heard. Don't make it obvious you're looking, but what the fuck is that? I know. Usador, Usador, Usador, Usador. Don't, don't make it obvious you're looking, but what the fuck is that? What the fuck is that?

I think it's just the food moon, personally. Yeah, yeah. Looks like fish head, human body. It's giving me a thumbs up. Oh. It's giving me two thumbs up. How often can you say a fish has given you a thumbs up. Oh. It's giving me two thumbs up. How often can you say a fish has given you a thumbs up? And to be clear, you just had sex with an oyster.

Yeah, yeah, not often. I'll say that. Congratulations. Yusudora, how's your sex life? Oh, delicious. Very good, very good. Doing all the things that you do. Oh. Now famously you and Jen Levia turn yourselves into food and then feast upon one another?

Well, I'd say there's more to it than that. There's mutual respect, there's admiration, there's a commitment. And then we transform ourselves into a giant rack of ribs, and each of those racks of ribs sits there stoically, waiting for something to happen because ribs cannot move. And then I transform mine self into a giant bat, and the bat eats the ribs, and then the ribs are defecated from me, and we turn back into ourselves and are satiated.

Did you put a Z in satiated? Satiated? Arnie! Moon moon! Also, I sometimes forget, I don't think wizards really understand what sex is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that now? Huh?

Nothing! Just, uh, I was just saying you're probably really good at sex and it always makes sense. Very good, very good at it. Yes, all of the things that get bigger and all the things that get smaller. Yeah, I also don't think he knows what sex is because he says he's always got blue balls. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, okay, checks out. He was right. He was telling the truth. He was telling the truth. If you doubt my wizardly prowess, then let me do this. Eroth, tron, karoth, eroth, troth, aaaah, a bird! What you use or was there a dead bird in your robe a dead bird in your wizard's sleeve not a euphemism it wasn't always dead did it did it go in dead? I'm going to say no.

I won't. Arnie? I wasn't going to say anything. I'm going to say no. It was probably alive when it was in there, but I'm sure I can conjure a live bird. Okay. Here. Just give me a little bit.

Yep. They could be sleeping. They could be sleeping. Looks pretty dead. Ah! Just give me a little bit. Yep. They could be sleeping, they could be sleeping. Looks pretty dead. It's, I sort of, it's like a refractory period, you know, you need, I need some time to bounce back here. Okay.

Say, hit me up later, I'll get a live bird before the end of the show. Hey, hey, it happens to every wizard. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, actually, Arnie, I feel like we should probably clean up the dead birds, because I feel like there's someone special here tonight.

I saw a lot of guards out front. It's true. I saw a sort of a rolled red carpet up to the tavern door. I feel like we should probably clean up a little bit, right? Oh wait, guys, are you saying it's award season? In better, it's royal season. Royal season? Yes.

Oh, I was so fortunate as to graze past the entrance. He's drunk, he's so drunk. No, the procession as it entered. You grazed past? I grazed past and I looked inside the main carriage and I saw there none other than King Alpha Doronius Exetian III. Alpha Doronius Exetian III, also known as King Ron.

Wow. Alpha Doronius Exetian III. Sure, we're all gonna remember that. Alpha Doronius Exetian III. Sure, we're all gonna remember that. Alpha Doronius Xtian III. Yeah, and also as I walked by I saw King Calliope. I don't know who's the guest, one's a little easier to say. I already shortened it. Why are we making this a hard thing? Uh, Eucidor. That's our job. Fair enough. To make it harder.

It's probably, it's probably, it's our job. Fair enough. Make it harder. It's probably King Ron. Let me grab these dead birds. Yeah, yeah, let me grab this dead bird. Okay, yeah. Here, here. No, put them back in there. No, no.

Okay. Okay, guys, okay, let's be... It's been a while since we've had, I don't know if we've ever had a king on. Is there, like, do we have to do a special, like, revelry to bring them out? I don't think we have that queued up, so no. Oh.

Oh, right, well, I'd be very excited to welcome, please, everyone, a huge royal welcome for this king. Your Majesty. Thank you your majesty. We are honored by your presence. But speak a command and it shall be done. Please, please rise. You are our friend. Thank by your presence. But speak a command and it shall be done. Please, please rise. You are a friend. Thank you, your majesty.

Oh, it's good to see you. Oh, it's good to see you too, King Ron. Alpha Doronius XT in the third. You too I did not tell to rise. Oh, that's important, of course. Yes, yes, learn some manners. Ornith, pay more fealty. Oh, at this age, I can only pay so much fealty.

I'm really feeling the fealty. You may rise. Oh, yes. Thank you, your majesty. They know not, they are simpletons. Not well-versed in the ways of treating royals as I am, accustomed to the court such as I am. An arnie here in the pink shirt, you see? He comes from another world. I'm from another world.

Another world, you say? Yeah, I'm a little bit interesting. Hmm, normally I wouldn't believe such a tale, but my dear friend here, who I've known for quite a while, helped me through some things. You know, there's certain sexual acts that can only happen with shape-shifting. Sure. It's true. Sure. That's what I've been saying.

That's what I've been saying. Chunt knows. Chunt knows. He's a shape-shifter. Oh, okay. Yes, your honor. Oh, great. Your majesty. Your majesty. I'm the only one that's not going to get a fucker king. Chunt knows he's a shape-shifter. Oh, okay. Yes. Yes, your honor. Oh, your majesty

I'm the only one that's not gonna get a fuck a king Now with that attitude So what what would you how would you prefer to be addressed? By your full name, which I'm sure you know? Yes, you tell us. Alpha Del Ronius XT in the third. Oh, that's my father's name. Oh, the tales I could tell of Alpha Del Ronius XT in the second. Oh.

Sounds like a band. He was a wonderful king. He was a wonderful king, but not as wonderful as you, Ron. Not that Ron the third, an accessible king, a king beloved by your subjects. All do praise and honor thee and all the great feats you have accomplished. Here now the praise from within the tavern. Oh, in the fish, even the fish love thee. Yes. Oh yeah, King Rung, King Rung, what the fuck is that?

Have you ever seen anything like that in your kingdom? Oh, we see a lot of things in my kingdom. Oh, okay. It's good to see you again. Oh, oh no,'s good to see you again. Oh! Oh, no! Ivan's... Oh, no! I've insulted one of the king's friends. Or perhaps lover's, uh, king. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, well, you both. Oh. Yeah, why can't friends be lovers? That's what I say! Yes, I'm so sorry, king. Uh, tell us about your lover friend. Oh, don't make it that deep. Oh. Very rude, Chunt. Very rude.

Now, King Ron, you are beloved by your people, but like you said, you've had many challenges that I've had to help you overcome. Tell Arnie. You see, Arnie does a podcast, which is a boring thing that we send back to Earth. And people listen to it and are entertained, I guess. One woo.

You have just proven my point. Mildly entertaining. King Ron, do you mind if I interview you? What can I tell you? Of course. Yeah, if I interview you? What can I tell you? Do you mind? Yeah, if I interview you, so... Then I will be known in many lands. Yes, exactly.

What is the name of your kingdom, if you don't mind me asking? Oh, of course. Rondonia. Rondonia. Oh. A wonderful kingdom. Yes, beautiful with milk and honey and the fish women run free. Wow.

Holy cow, you gotta put that on your flag. Do you have like a herald, like a sigil? That's exactly what's on the flag, yeah. Really? Milk and honey and the phrase, fish women run free. Wow. After nine.

After nine, after nine, yeah. That's on the back of the flag. The back of the flag. The back of the flag. It's one of you flags you have to flip over. Yeah. Yeah. If you're coming from the south, do you just see the after 9 first?

Yeah, that's how flags work on me. Oh yeah, I'm sorry. That was the part that was the part that doesn't make sense. I mean also Arnie if you're coming from the south congratulations buddy it must be your birthday. Nice nice nice nice. So Ron just in general I'm sorry. We all are. Yeah, but here, okay, I have another question. Tell me, so what is your philosophy as a ruler? It's got to be a lot of pressure being a king.

It can be, you know? A lot of people to look after, a lot of people like, oh, eat the rich, and you're like, oh, I'm rich. You know? So that makes it difficult. A lot of internal strife. Big, real, a lot of family sleeping with each other. Oh.

And that can get messy. Yeah. Family reunions are weird. Yeah. So, and then wars, famines, and then just general lack of food. Why is this funny to you? I'm so sorry to laugh. Hammons and just general lack of food. Why is this funny to you?

Foodies. I'm so sorry to laugh. These are my people. I know, I am so sorry. So just to review. These are the challenges in your kingdom in order. From most important to least. Yeah, from most important to least.

First is worrying that they're going to eat you. Yes. You're subject to it. Every day I worry. Second, families fucking each other. Two. And then third, war and famine. Three.

Four. That's tough. That is tough. It's allowed to do it. Yeah. And King Rung, I got to say, King Rung, how are you handling all this strife? Are you doing okay? Yeah.

You know, I've had better days. Yeah. Things can be rough when you're a king. Sometimes you just want to get away from it all. Yeah. Meet some new friends. Oh. Yeah.

Do you ever dress up as like, you know, a pauper, a peasant, and go into town and have fun just as a normal person? No, no. No, no. I mean, they recognize you right away, I think. That and also that sounds horrible. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, he's beloved, but if you show up on their level, they're going to tear you up. Yeah. Yeah. You got a little bit of distance. It's part of being a king. You don't want them... You want them to like being near you but not touch you. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What kind of king was your father?

Oh, what type of king? He was a wonderful king. He was a wise king. Shitty dad. Oh. Yeah. Too committed to his work. Shitty dad. Oh. Yeah. Too committed to his work. Yeah, loved his work.

Always liked the kingdom, the kingdom, and never about me. You know, my full name? Alpha Doronius, XP in the third. He shouldn't have to say it. I never say it. You're so powerful, you can farm out the saying of your full name. Yes. Whenever I want to, that's what I do.

I go, hi, it's nice to meet you. I am my father. Alpha Del Ronius XT in the third. Wow. Someone will say it. Yeah. Now, it's very rude when you think about it that your father insisted that you take his name.

If you could pick any name for yourself, would you pick a different one? Yeah. Please, tell us Elvadoranius XT and what name would you pick? No one's ever asked before. Oh. Wow. Well, you're in the right place because this show is 75% names.

And the other 25% is questions. Yeah. And the other 25% is questions. Yeah. I just want to be like maybe Tony or Samantha. Tony! Tony! Tony. Yeah.

Tony seems like a nice guy. Yeah. Like Tony, do you want it just Tony? Just Tony. Just Tony. Yeah. You want to be like Tony Maselli? No.

No, I mean, that's too much pressure. That's back to being responsibility. You don't, a guy just Tony, you're like, no responsibility. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody wants to eat a Tony, right? People want to eat King Ron. Yes. Tony, right? People want to eat King Ron. Yes.

Tony, right? Well, Tony, now that you just knew so pretty yet is Tony, as you have said, let me now honor you with a new friend. And I'll turn off. Oh, no, no, no. Can I turn off? Ha-la!

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if that's how you impress a king, I also now have a dead, I have a dead bird in my pocket. Yeah, yeah, let's, let's make a paper. I have one too here. Tony. Tony. Look at this, dead bird. No! Delightful. Wow.

Chunt, I have a new theory. Kings are basically just cats. Do you happen to have any milk? Oh, milk. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't know why I said yeah. I could, I have nipples under here. Yeah. Badger, is badger milk all right? Yeah. Okay. Do you, I've fallen for this before. Wait, I've fallen for this before. Yeah. I have one nipple. All right. All right.

All right. I'll go make some wizard milk. No, it's a long process. It lays an egg. Oh, Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, God. He looks like a drunk girl coming from a party. Of all the weeks for this to be a visual medium. Food moon, Ernie.

Food moon. Food moon. Oh. Oh, you weren't making it for Tony. No, no, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, moon, Oh, and I'm getting a psychic. We've sold two total. Oh, yeah, I just got a vision. In one year, we sold two. Two. Wow. Yeah, and it'll stay there. Stay there. Stay there.

So, King Tony. Yes? What else do you like? Oh, is this a bad date now? Oh, no. This is a great date. Look, I'm gonna be honest with you, I am a good interviewer for about five questions. Can I ask you some questions?

Please, please, of course. Questions from the king? Did you not know I was going to be here? I didn't know. You must not have, I don't understand. I'm not used to seating with no back, no back support. I know, it's tough. It's very tough.

For a man of your heft? I know, exactly. You see, Ani, here in Foon, kings tend to sit on thrones, which are very big chairs with big backs, and sometimes they're made out of skeletons, and sometimes they're made out of swords, and sometimes they're made out of skeletons and sometimes they're made out of swords and sometimes they're made out of gold and sometimes they're made out of... BIRDS!

YAY! Uh oh. He's gonna bat it around. Oh boy. Oh my god. Oh boy. Oh wonderful. Oh my god. Oh boy.

Oh wonderful. Arnie, I don't know if we should give him scritches. Your honor, does the king require scritches? Sure. Oh boy, where do you scritch a king? Wherever he wants. Maybe we'll just give a little shoulder scritch here. Yeah, that's a good king. Oh yeah, give him a little bit, man. Ani, this is why I'll never give up on royalty.

Sure. Because it makes sense. It's a good system of government. Everyone's doing the things they need to be doing, and nothing is weird. Yeah. Oh, and look at that. He ruined the furniture. He scratched up the chair. He scratched it up. Yeah. And do not... You know that box back there?

There's a giant king turd in that thing. Somehow I thought that was gonna kill. Food moon, Arnie! Food moon! Food moon! Why did we get a big sandbox and just leave it unopened here in the back of the tavern? I don't know! Oh shit, oh shit! Stand in front of the king! Stand in front of the king!

Momo's coming! Momo's coming! Momo's coming! Momo's coming! Momo's coming, Momo's coming! MMMMMMMMM big mouse. There's a cat energy in here. Oh. Is it the king? There's a kiss in here. Him and I have a real Tom and Jerry thing happening. Hello. Oh, hello, Momo.

Hello, Ron. Good to see you. How do you do? Royalty, don't eat me. Don't be shy, come closer. My friends! Maureen, Toby, you're the, ah!

Whoa, whoa. Chunch! Pfft. Okay, this is a bad day so far. Um, Momo was a late add to this. Momo got asked on Thursday. No! Oh wow.

That's not, that's not true. Thursday afternoon, and I had thrown away my mouse costume in 2019, thank you very much. What? And I'll... Now Momo, why would you as a... I can't hear me what? Why would you as a mouse need a mouse costume?

Yeah. This is the thing I've always wondered, why you wear that mouse costume around? Momo, you need to have better self-esteem. Yeah. This is the thing I've always wondered, why you wear that mouse costume around? Momo, you need to have better self-esteem. Yeah. Stop drawing yourself a woman. Since when? You know Carol Burnett when she was on that talk show and then she had a wig of her hair

on top of her hair for the laugh? No. Who on who? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. See? Aerodynamic. So how are you celebrating the food moon, gentlemen?

Well we were throwing dead birds for a minute. I can see this. Yeah. Then we have royalty on. And what the fuck is this? And that's about it. Great. Momo is going to chime in once every seven minutes

with a little Momo flavor, as you were. Well, I guess I wasn't familiar that you celebrate a food moon. We were just using it as an excuse, frankly. How do you like to celebrate the food moon? Purge. Just go nuts and commit all the crimes you ever wanted. Uh-huh. Okay. What did you do any today? A couple. Any good ones?

Wait till you get back to your apartment. Oh You live in an apartment, Isidor? He rents. Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to talk about it, but I got kicked out of my most recent hovel, and now I'm living in an apartment. There's a band living upstairs. I can't get a moment's sleep. All they do is play that damn lute day and night.

Do you have a bed frame? Tell me it's not a mattress on the floor, buddy. I don't have a mattress on the floor. I float in the middle of the room. With no top sheet Also for anyone here that lives in an apartment keep in mind he got kicked out of his hovel And has to live in an apartment Tony tell us about your palace. I assume? Yeah. Oh, wonderful palace.

What kind of treasure do you have? Oh, why? Oh shit, he's on to me. Wink. Don't ever ask a king about their treasure. Okay. That's the first thing you want to know? What kind of furniture do you have?

Well, you know, entertaining bed, sleeping beds, eating beds. Oh. I'm way too upright for normal right now. Sure. Big sandbox, balls of yarn, just a lot of normal things that kings would have. An eating bed. I've never wanted to be something more in my life. I want to be a king now. Yeah, balls of yarn, are you sure?

Gonna be hard to sit down. Well, maybe if you have so many beds, maybe if you have so many beds, maybe there's one you just want to leave outside for a friend to take. Usadour, what happened? Are you not in the apartment anymore? Did you get kicked out of that too? No, I just said I'm floating in the middle of a room You think that's a wizard thing. I just don't have a bed What is it like to sleep floating like there's no support do you float on your side it's like you a side floater

Yeah, I tend to float on my side it's sort of like if you were imagine you were floating the ocean sure and at any moment you could fall in the ocean yeah and it would hurt when you hit the ground because notions only about six inches high so are you saying you can float while you're awake? Uh-huh. Then you float in the middle of the room. Right. I fall asleep, I'm floating, I start to fall asleep, and as soon as I fall asleep, I fall

to the ground and wake up. Over and over again, all night for eight straight hours. I mean, it sounds like a pretty good metaphor for sleep apnea. Yeah, yes. Yeah. Oh, yes, yeah. Oh, do we have a new sponsor? Yes, we do. Today's episode is brought to you by Sleep Apnea.

No catchphrase? What was it? They have no catchphrase or slogan? Hashtag snore? Glad I asked, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. And that was the must read part,

so you called it action, if you will. Yeah, good work. Yeah, thank you, thank you. Now, King Ron, you were telling us about your beautiful palace and all the accoutrements there. I'm sorry I distract us with all this talk of not having a bed and being a poor wizard, just working,

working day and night tirelessly to defend food from all the forces of evil. Yea, I have no time to amass wealth. I must set aside all, donate all to the weak and the poor to ensure that goodness and righteousness do reign for all time. But you have a nice set of beds, it sounds like. Yeah, it sounds, I mean, that sounds like a lot, but... I've been told that, that I sound like a lot? A lot.

But for me, yeah, it's mostly a lot of sleeping, so I need a lot of beds, because it's part of the job of being a king. You have to be well rested to live for a long time so that you can be there. Well, it's important that you're there. You provide a consistency to the people. They know that the king is there, even though they toil and their lives are meaningless,

and they'll never accomplish a goddamn thing. I hear that. Yes. Oh, okay. you could be royalty. All right. Sorry to make this about Momo, but I just noticed that my ex is in the audience tonight. Oh. Hello, Mayor Banana.

Oh, boy. Wow. Unbelievable. It's good to see you. You're looking well. Oh, he's with another mouse. Oh, my's with another mouse Oh my god, okay. No, that's good

Fuck you that's insane That's insane. We broke up like three years ago. Four? Oh my god. You see, Tony, Momo here, the mouse, used to date a banana man named Manana who ran for mayor of our old town and became the mayor. And that's the most normal lore of this show. It's true. A tale as old as time.

Sure. Do you have a paramour, someone that you love, someone who's churned your eye, a future queen perhaps? Oh, of course, there's many that catch a king's eye. Of course, those with regular heads, with fish heads. Did you say regular heads with the fish heads? He said with regular heads with fish heads? Did you say regular heads with the fish heads? He said with regular heads or fish heads. Flash fish heads.

Which I'm sorry is not diminutive to you. Your head is regular for a person with a fish head. But for here it's very freaky. Honestly, yes. I honestly yes but I'm open to you know winches and women of all nature know how to treat a king okay a romantic yes what is there any pressure as the king to have a sire like to have a child to eventually take your place and all your treasure? No, that's, you, that seems more like competition, you know?

I know how I was with my dad. Every day I'd wake up just waiting for him to die. Sure. Oh, cause you mentioned wise king, shitty father. Yes. Yes. And also I was slightly evil. True. I didn't know that.

What constitutes slightly evil? Well, you know, you grow up wealth, no consequences, no issues. I just kind of like murder, no big deal. Sure. He's tried to kill Momo like 80 times. Yes. He tried to kill me today.

What do you mean he's evil? You guys are like, what? Evil? Yeah. He tried to kill Momo like 80 times. Yes. He tried to kill me today. What do you mean he's evil? You guys are like, what, evil? Yeah. He tried to kill your friend. Also in retrospect, when he tried to murder you, we did like nothing. Momo remembers. Momo never forgets.

Banana. Unbelievable. I'm serious this time, guys. I'm never dating a banana again. And I'm actually serious this time. So how many bananas have you dated? Right. Like a lot. What? Green bananas, yellow bananas, banana bread.

Why? Oh, mama! Wow. Banana bread is famously when a banana goes bad. I know, and I know that! I know that now! So you don't discriminate by age? No, do you? Well, green banana, never mind. Yeah. Oh, no.

It's fine, I'll date other fruit. I'll be happy, I'll be fine. Oh. So King, she's probably gonna cry for a while. You're a little bit evil. And this is too personal of a question. No, I'm open with it. Did you kill your dad?

Yes. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Now I know I'm famously on record as being anti-evil, but I like where this is going. There is an exception that I will make, and that's for royalty that are slightly evil, because I respect the royal lineage.

I respect that you murdered your father, the beloved Alpha Doranius XT in the second, to become Alpha Doranius XT in the third. Tony. Because that is, that is how royalty works. And it's a good system, and we should keep it forever. Not a waste of money at all.

You're so wise. Oh, thank you. So it's like, hi, I'm King. I come from a long line of dad killers. Yeah, I mean, not always. Sometimes, you know, your father, if you're a prince, sometimes your father gets if you're a prince, sometimes your father gets slain in battle, and other times,

your father dies of old age while you're off in a foreign land trying to woo a prince or a princess to be your co-king or queen, and- Accidental poisonings. Accidental poisonings happen all the time in the castle. Accidental poisonings. Oh yeah, a lot of stuff is poison. Mm-hmm.

How did you kill your dad? I didn't think you were gonna ask that. Oh. I'm so sorry. That just felt like a natural follow-up question. You seemed so happy to tell me that you had killed him. I didn't realize that there were aspects of that story that might be off balance.

I'll tell you. Okay, thank you. It was on purpose poisoning. Ah! Arnie, the only other type of poisoning. I know. What are the odds? Yeah.

Wow. In the ear? Yes. Yeah. Why do people keep poisoning people in the ear? It's funny. In the mouth is like, meh. But in the ear? It's funny. In the mouth it's like, meh. But in the ear it's so fucking funny.

And in the belly button it's just too humiliating. It takes a while. It takes a while. Yeah. Huh. Did he, did he, did he have any last words? Did he scream? Did he notice it was you?

That's an intimate question. Is this a date? Thank you Momo. Oh. Did he scream? Did he notice it was you? That's an intimate question. Is this a date? Thank you. Oh, Momo. Oh. There we go. Oh, wait. It's a date. All right. Did your father scream when you killed him?

And what's your favorite color? I'm so sorry to interrupt. I'm going to stir you off with some waters. Is there anything else I can get for you? Can we get a plate of sardines? Oh, you're just ordering for me? Um, can we get a plate of sardines? Oh, you're just ordering for me? Well, actually, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, go ahead.

Oh, okay, now, okay, thank you. Well, gentlemen, just sparkling water for me to start. Great, for you? Just tap water. Great. He comes in here all the time with different animals. He had sex with an oyster like two days ago. Be right back.

Sorry about that. That's the manager, the general manager. I hate this guy. I hope that everything's going well over here so far. I was hoping I could interest you in a bird. Oh! Oh, I'll grab that. Momo, Momo, what did they order? I don't know.

I didn't write it down. This is playful. This is a good date so far. Oh, he's bored. What else? Arnie, what else? On Earth, what? I don't know, I'm sitting here trying to think

what my role is in this restaurant. Chunt, Chunt, keep asking questions. Take an interest in the King. You may have a chance to become a Queen. Oh yes, so Captain Ron, King Ron, King Ron, King Ron. Careful. King Ron, when your dad died, scale of one to ten.

That's a classic date question. It's like how many siblings do you have? Quite frankly, I'm sick of answering this question. Of course, of course, of course. Arnie, on Earth, what do you do to woo? You're always talking about Earth girls are easy. How do you woo a woman? Yeah, Arnie is always Earth, what do you do to woo? You're always talking about Earth girls are easy. How do you woo a woman? Yeah, Arnie is always talking about that.

Yes. Yes. You know, ask him. Just compliment him. Try complimenting him as a king. I love your dead dad. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex.

I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. I don't think Sean has ever really had sex. What didn't surprise me? Is the duck the symbol of your kingdom?

No, it is milk and honey, and then let the women with fish heads run free after 9. After 9. Yes. After 9's on the back. After 9's on the back. AM or PM? and that the women with fish heads run free after nine. After nine, yes. After nine's on the back. After nine's on the back. AM or PM?

You know, it's open. Don't mind if I do. What else, what else, what else? Oh, do you wanna know the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean in my mouth. What are you doing? No.

No. What? I've had a chick pee in my mouth. I've had a chick pee in my mouth. I've had a chick. I've had a chick pee in my mouth. We get it a chick, I've had a chick pee in my mouth. We get it! Sure, sure.

You know, Momo, I have a new realization. What's up? About this whole show. It's hard to sit there, but in its own way, it's hard to sit here watching what's happening there. Yeah. Momo, Momo, Momo, come here. Sure.

You know what, I just remembered I'm sick, so you got this, you got this. I've what, I just remembered I'm sick, so. You got this, you got this. I've had a garbanzo bean in my mouth, I don't get it. Oh, they're laughing. Momo must have said something funny. So has a banana ever broken your heart before? Who hasn't been there, Momo?

Oh, that's really sweet. So you make me nervous. Momo's never hasn't been on a date in four years. You said four? Four years? And I guess we weren't really dating there at the end, were we? Okay, okay, okay.

We were kind of ignoring each other. You wouldn't take me out to dinner! Uh, uh, uh, Usador, Usador, Usador, uh, uh, Usador, you take, hot seat, hot seat, hot seat. Also, where are the waiters around here? My God, terrible service. Hi, I've been upgraded to waiter. Hi, I've been shadowing here. Okay. You took too long. Hi, I've been shadowing here. Okay. You took too long.

No, come back. Come here. Okay, hi. Would you like to hear about our specials? Yes. Oh, fuck. Fuck shit. Fuck shit.

Fuck. Oh. What do you want the special to do? Just say something with truffle on it. Well, we have something with truffle on it. Ooh. Ooh. We also have truffle and we have stuff without truffle. Yes. So those are your options. We have

accidental poison and intentional poison. My favorite. And we have a prefixed menu. Whatever that is. Yeah. Well I don't want to order for you because that would be rude. So please, what would you like? I'll go with truffle. With truffle. With truffle. Very good choice. Very good choice.

Okay. Very good choice. And what do you want? I'll have, what do I want? What do I want? What do I want? I'll have... We also have hot, hot, hot, hot tamales. And I would like that, please. Thank you.

Okay. Very good. Very good. Very good. One of us will remember that. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Yeah. My water hasn't been refilled in quite a while. This isn't my station. Ooh.

All right. I'm gonna... I realize what's going wrong with all of our dates. Nobody's playing the table. Oh, this is suddenly much nicer. So, what else? You know one thing? I like how you slapped those commoners around. Thank you, I thought.

You might like that. You're making this so hard for yourself. I hurt my feet. Oh, no. We will both get hurt if you fall. We will both get hurt. For those listening at home. Bring the food, bring the food, bring the food. I'll get you food.

Oh, wow, excellent. Oh, I should put a matchstick under this, one of these legs that wobbles. Yeah, thanks. I'm sorry, this table is exhausted. Oh, it's walking away. What a sad looking skunk. Here is your with truffle. Thank you. And here is your tamales.

My favorite. And I've got to say, I'm impressed that I remembered both of those things. No, not you. Usador, I'm getting nervous. I'm getting flustered. Can you tap in for me? Sure, sure. No problem. I'm getting flustered. Can you tap in for me? Sure, sure. No problem. Happy to do it. Your Majesty, thank you for allowing me to spend part of the evening with you. I think your eyes are so beautiful, so deep and brown and lovely,

but it's such a beautiful twinkle to them that I can't help but be enraptured by your smiling face. Fuck, he's crushing it all! Yusador is the king. Good to see you, Nat Coven. Holy shit, I'm rude. Wow. Your Majesty, tell me in depth exactly how your tax plan works? Well basically I kind of collect a lot of money from people it's never really a percentage it's kind of like what do you got? What do you got? We'll take whatever you got that's us. Yeah. Yeah. For me. Okay. And then we keep it. Okay. And then... Perfect. I mean do you see why this is the perfect system of government?

I will say I appreciate that there's no math involved in that process. Math muddles things up. It's true. It's very true. Math does muddle things up. That's why I believe in the power of magic. Because while there are some potions, and yes, I shall do some calculations, I find it more important to feel in my heart and to feel in my soul that I can create life out of nothing and ensure that there is a living bird.

Sheila, no! All these birds were my friends. We were in a book club together and now they're all dead. Momo, what was the last book that you read with all these birds? The Da Vinci Code. Well, we know what killed them. Wait, there's one, there's one, okay. King, please be seated. You sir, get up, get up.

There's one final, oh, there's one final chance. Why did I move if he's leaving send the king? Just send the king Do you mind? John ran into the part of the tavern? That's not our table We have one actually a king would you come here? And you can just just kind, just kinda hang, just kinda hang. King, this is my friend. Is fish head rude? No?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! This is not a real fish head! What the fuck? What the fuck? You trying to set me up?

That fish took its head off. Yeah, Arnie. Food moon. Oh, right. It's a food moon. A were fish. Oh, if we had no no. I wouldn't have been scared. I see, I see, I see. Well, now we had known. Oh, where? I would have been scared. I see, I see, I see.

Well, now we're aware. Oh, Chunt, are you getting an email? I was looking at porn, but I can look at emails. What? Huh? Anything good? Oh, oh yeah. Someone shucking an oyster.

Let's see here. That's not how you spell shucking. Where are... I liked that joke. That was good. Thank you! Thank you! I really loved it. Here's an email from Ruby. Ruby says, who are Tom and Jerry in Foo? Now, Momo, earlier you said you and the King had a Tom and Jerry type relationship.

Oh, yes. They are a cat and mouse who chase each other. I got asked on Thursday. I don't have anything prepared. Why is there more explanation needed? Momo is, you are one of our favorite friends in this whole world. That cannot be true. And yes, we invited you here on Thursday, and yes, we had a conversation that was,

should we have Momo? And then the response was, eh. To be fair, I said, should we have Momo? Arnie said, meh. And I didn't, hold on. I didn't say meh. I said, yeah, question mark. If it makes't say meh, I said, yeah, question mark. If it makes you feel any better, I said, yeah.

Yeah. When I got asked. That's, if you ask me, that's a wonderful level of friendship, a kind of like, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna be there anyway, why not? I believe after Arnie said, yeah, what I said was, Momo is a valuable asset to the show. And of course we would be blessed to have a presence there.

But at that point they had walked away. Yes, and that makes sense. That's true. And King Ron, I don't know why you're here. You're way too talented for the show. Um, here we have an email from Daniel. Daniel says, help, advice. Hello everyone.

I'm a dog groomer. Ew. I'm a dog groomer and have recently been singing Hey Sexy Dog at Work. Some of my coworkers overheard me and instead of asking why I'm singing this to dogs, I had to go. You are fired.

Well, they go on to say I had to go to HR. I have a meeting with them Monday, what should I say? Play the episode where Hey hey sexy dog comes from. Yeah, yeah, play them the episode. Just say it, I'm singing a song. Yeah. If you're about to get fired, don't play Hello from the Magic Tavern at work.

Yeah. Why not? I'd say better not play it at work ever. How many people who listen to this podcast Got fired. Are willing to go to the HR where they were and share hello from the magic tavern just to see what happened okay all the self-employed people clapping if you're gonna lose your job just yell blood farts King you

you like fish heads you like like non-fish heads. Did the citizens of your kingdom ever get upset that you're laying with animals? Yes. Is there, does royalty have an HR? Is there some sort of? No, I mean they find most things I do morally corrupt. Yeah. Yeah.

So kind of me laying with different, that's kind of the least of their worries. Yeah, of course. And as a reminder, he taxes them all of their money so they have no legal recourse. They can't hire a lawyer. Yeah. And the lawyers are all people with fish heads in his kingdom anyway. Yeah. But he's up front about it so it's cool. He doesn't lie about it. Thank you, Mama. You're welcome. This is the point in the show

where I ask my patented question, what's next? What? Famous. What do you, you know, you've come to this tavern and you've given us some of your time, which I appreciate. What does the rest of an evening look like for a king? Oh, just ruling and relaxing. Oh.

Probably a little debauchery thrown in there. Debauchery? I wasn't gonna say it, it's always a little bit of debauchery. Yeah. Yeah. You know, yeah, just get it, mix it up, get messy in there.

Mm-hmm. Sure, yeah, absolutely. Pillaging. Oh, you like to pillage college. Mm-hmm you do your own pillaging I still get my hands dirty A king do you mind I just want to have a quick a quick convo with my co-host here use it or giant Okay, Momo's not a part of this. Momo's the each other's. This isn't a CONFAP for Thursdays. This is not my station.

Look, I'm loving this gang, even though he's evil. Uh-huh. But he says that he does his own pillaging. Right. He was really nervous when I brought up treasure. Is it possible we are mid-pillage right now? Oh no. He's gonna take our treasure.

No, he's gonna take our treasure. Or at least all our dead birds. Shit. Well, in just a moment. Hold on. One, two, No, I think there's four. At least, just as long as he doesn't get the one that's... And Momo, too. Oh, wait.

Momo is equal part of this. Uh, we were just, um, about to sing, right, guys? Why set yourself up for that? What? I don't know. I don't know why he does it. It looks- Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.

All right, Momo's gonna go back to her chair. Nevermind. It worked, it worked. Okay, let's... No, I like where this is going. Will you sing me a song? Oh shit. Now he's gonna demand it.

He's a king, he can demand whatever he wants. Okay, alright, here's the thing. Chunt can kind of sing. Aww! I also think Momo can sing. I feel like those two should sing. What the fuck was that? A bird just fell out of the mic stand.

A bird just read the Da Vinci Code is what happened. Mm-hmm. All right. Oh, my God, I should have said to kill a mockingbird. I'm an idiot. Yeah. No, Momo, no. No.

That's our show. That's our show. I truly think I should go. No, I should go. That's our show. I should go. That's our show. ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"]

["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"]

["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"] ["That's Our Show"]

["That's Our Show"] Hmm, so shouting, that's our show seems to make it stop. That might come in handy in the future. Yuzuru the Wizard was played by AI. No, wait, then the performance would be consistent. Was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Refai. King Ron, aka Tony, was played by special guest Ron Funches.

Visit Ron's website, RonFunches.com, to see his stand-up schedule, links to his podcast, his Twitch channel, upcoming movies, and more. Momo the Mouse was played by Erin Keith. Special thanks to Janet Varney and everyone at San Francisco SketchFest and the Brava Theater. As I mentioned earlier, the full video livestream of the show is available to Patreon subscribers at patreon.com slash magic tavern. Would you like to see Yuzador pull dead birds out of his sleeve? Now there's a value add. Speaking of the Patreon, Hello from the Magic Tavern is an

independent production, meaning all major producing entities know enough to keep a safe distance, and were made possible by all the thousands of little ant-like supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Think I won't rattle off some randomly chosen names of our supporters? Don't threaten me with a good time. We've got Connor Alfonso, Salty Bog Witch, distant and even more troubling cousin of Salty Sandwich. Lawrence of Martinez. Bentley.

Ashutosh. Ricky Anderson. Jacob Stewart. Steve Williams. Chuff. Raymond. Kyle McCullough. Jason Berg.

Max Canat Alexander. Tom Gibbs. DJ Lawhead. Leslie Gettinger. David the PhD student. I'll take it you're not getting a PhD in specifics, Grim French, sworn nemesis of upbeat Spanish, Kyle Corbett, Robert J, and Ethan J. Two J's, no waiting, infinite possibilities. Patrons get ad-free episodes, the entire back catalog

including all the previous spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie, Usador, and Chunt talk about the winners and losers of this year's March Magic Vote. Yeah, I put a note on Arnie, more of a tattoo, that says, Harry whodunit. Who's this guy? Why can't we remember anything about Harry whodunit? Is that magic? Maybe that's the magic, it does that magic maybe that's the magic was named It's not in magic. I've committed a crime and now very good on me. Yeah some sort of temporal spell

Okay, so I want to say I want to say quickly in the comments Katrina wrote what dad arm do though That's an excellent that's an excellent question. I mean, from what I remember about Tadah, it mostly holds its girlfriend's arm. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Oh, Chunt, that's, yes, that is very true. But when Charlene has to go to work, that arm is free. To cast.

We all know what that means, don't we, gentlemen? Arnie, hold on, let him finish. What I'm saying is, when your girlfriend goes to work, your hand is free. Anytime I've had a partner, as soon as they leave the house, as soon as the door, I hear that click of the door and the wood slamming shut, I think, I got an arm free. What'd you think of that collection of sounds? Listenable, right? To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show,

visit patreon.com slash magic tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz, Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman. This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.