Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 5 - Rhiannon Now (w/ Kate James)

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

Catching up with the new Queen of the Northeast, Rhiannon (former milkmaid and former talking nut).CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiRhiannon: Kate JamesMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Sage G.C.Magic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Once Upon a Beat is a new kids and family podcast from Wondry and Tinkercast, where hip hop and fables meet. Hey, grownups, listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on 1G+. People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. Now listen to the sound of my voice. As you focus on it, feel yourself growing drowsier. Soon you will be entirely unable to remain awake. I'm not hypnotizing you, I'm just preparing you for what it's going to be like to listen to the following audio recording.

But as I told myself during the third and final hour of Oppenheimer, just because you slept through it doesn't mean it didn't happen. So snuggle under that blankie, sit back, and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp, the greatest warrior in all of Foon. If you've never listened to the podcast before- Excuse me, Arnie. How much for this fresh fruit, merchant? Use some-

Oh, only one silver. Very good. Trent, would you like some fresh fruit? Ooh, what kind of fruit we talking? Manners? Riberies? Oh, yes, they have riberies. Ooh, yeah, I'll take some riberies.

I'll have one box of riberies. And Arnie, would you like any fruit? I don't really like fruit, but what are riberies? Oh, riberies. Arnie, they expand your mind. Take those, sir. Three gold pieces. So it's like drugs? What? No, they expand your mind. There you go, sir. Three gold pieces. So it's like drugs? What? No, they're Robertis.

Yes, they're just Robertis. Would you like one, Arnie? You should toss one. Toss one, I'm going long. Oh, here you go. Guys, I don't wanna do another episode where you are both on drugs. I'm just gonna have this banana.

What does that do? This mind-altering banana. I knew it was a mistake to do this episode outside of the tavern, but it's so excited to be in North-Eastia. Finally, the big city. North-Eastie boys! Yeah! Well, we're the North-Eastie boys and we're here in North-Eastia. Poop-pooch-a-toop-poop-pooch-a.

Are you okay? Yeah, no, sorry, it's Ribery's. When you're on Ribery's, you always want the people around you to finish what you're gonna say. So for example, if I said, you know, the three of us, well, we met in Foon. Puh-puh-chuh to puh-puh-puh-chuh. We're gonna be hanging out very soon.

Puh-puh-chuh, puh-puh-puh-puh-chuh. Yeah, Arnie, you get it, see? Yeah. Northeasty boys. So just every time I say puh-puh-puh-chuh? Yeahuppa Puppa chapp. Puppa Puppa chapp. Puppa Puppa chapp I am the walrus. Sorry. I am so high right now the robearies already I have to ask while I'm cuz this the robearies don't last very long at 20 seconds max from this point forward moving forward shit Have I been keeping up it were off? Believe, I don't believe it. We're off already I wanted to ask now that I'm sober again. Mm-hmm

Where did you get this magical tavern because you know, the the name of the show is Matt Hello for the magic tavern. Mm-hmm Our first tavern was not magical But this tavern is imbued with some sort of magic because it grows legs and walks around and wanders Where did you get it again? Well, you know, in the time between seasons, I see, you know, we all sort of split up and kind of did a little of our own stuff. You know what I mean? So I know that more exciting when we reconnected.

I want my money back. I don't think this banana is doing jack shit. I spent the break with the Red Queen Merzia, who's kind of a villainous. But, you know, we sort of traveled around Foon. I try to help her collect the magical pins that will help destroy all Themed restaurants, I think you know I was mostly just there for the social aspect of it I wasn't fully keyed in on what our mission was and she she's terrified

Yeah, were you terrified the whole time all the time, but you know we're perma buddies So you kind of get past this being terrified of like the weird handlebars coming out of her head or like the sharp? Knife teeth and stuff like that She's got a good sense of humor. You know we got along. It was just a nice change of pace She's very sharp though sharp all over sharp sharp as attack speaking of themed restaurants while I was on that robbery I had a flash of an idea shooters is that something and this is exactly why explain what it is first okay it's a little if I'm trying to remember everything I had in the flash of the idea so it's like choo-choo's

chow right I'm in shooters and what is, is we try and get couples who are cheating on each other. We catch them during dinner. Seems like a hard sell to get people in the door. Yeah. Or if you were on the same rebury I was on, you would be investing immediately. Now, do the cheaters know that they're coming there because they're cheaters? Or do you trick them in some way? We trick them in some way. Okay now I'm back in. But while they're chewing we call them out as cheaters and it's run by me, Choo Choo, so it's cheaters. Cheaters. Oh and also all the waitstaff wears tie-tie tunics. Okay. Okay. I just can't wait for all the spit

takes. Oh yeah. You're a cheater! And here's the thing, clearly the Red Queen Mary is evil. I'm not evil, but I'm willing to join forces with her to stop ideas like this. To stop their being themed restaurants in food. Hmm interesting. Isidor, do you believe Arnie when he says I'm not evil? Typically people who aren't evil don't have to say I'm not evil. That's true. Does that make sense? he says I'm not evil typically people who aren't evil don't have to say I'm not evil That's true. Does that make sense? Yes. I'm not evil. Yeah, don't say I should start mentioning that when I intro myself Guys, I know you sort of interrupted. Could I start? Hello from the magic tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of food

I'm your host Arnie knee camp. I'm not evil if you've never listened to podcast I said everything you need to know nine years ago. I fell through dimensional portal behind a Burger King blah blah blah. I'm not evil Twice twice in one intro. Okay. Here's an idea wizard's last stand Okay, it was that the idea yeah, okay. I thought that was that's the restaurant wizard's last stand Oh, it's a restaurant not just like you having a last name, okay Let me try and extrapolate what that could possibly be wizard last stand, it's a restaurant, not just like you having a last day. Okay, let me try and extrapolate what that could possibly be with the last stand. So it's okay. So it's wizards who are dying. They're on their deathbed. And this is

their sort of last meal. Or it could be Arnie so close, so close, but totally wrong. Oh, okay, what it actually is. It's at the very edge of a cliff And it's a little hot dog cart a little stand. Oh, and it's it's wizards last stand So you go there you have a hot dog maybe some ice cream and then you jump off of the cliff to your death Yum Ice cream and now do you also trick people into going to this place? People who cheat exclusively. Okay. Okay, and would they jump off the cliff would you say that would be like late winter or like midsummer?

Probably midsummer. Yeah. Yeah, and if what if they what if they landed because they're wizards, you know What if they landed they didn't die? Well, then I I suppose we would just lace all the ice cream and hot dogs with poison. Mmm smart So if they don't have a quick Painless death they have a quick painless death, they'd have a long painful death. That's right. What do you guys think?

How is this, do you think this is a good theme, Russ? 500 gold. It's terrible, it's even somehow worse than shooters. Somehow worse? I will say, maybe this isn't the right time, but we haven't talked about this, but during the break, didn't both of you separately get into romantic relationships

that you sort of thought were going to go somewhere? Both of you got cheated on. And so now you are both kind of a little raw about that. Like, you keep coming up with ideas about punishing cheaters. Well, huh, I can't I can't really talk about that. Yeah, Arnie, I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I had a brief stint with Voluptua, the peregrine falcon who moved way too fast for me, but that has nothing to do with it.

And also you had a shitty idea. Earlier in the tavern, you told me you were gonna open up something called Knowledge Garden. Yeah. A restaurant where all the dictionaries were free. Unlimited dictionaries. What else did one of us tell the other one that they did? Well, Arnie said that the new tavern, the wanderlost,

he said it could be taught tricks. So that's why I left centipede behind to try and maybe teach it to roll over, not with us inside of it, of course, but maybe sit, stay, roll over, beg. Yeah, let's not teach our magical tavern to do more things that are gonna like destroy whatever's inside of it. Huh? Okay, so keep it dumb. Okay. Yeah, keep it real dumb. Hmm Guys, we're in the big city. We're in the east. Yeah, we're through the market and already look at this

There's a giant ribbon kind of wrapped all around the inside of the market square here. I wonder There's quite a crowd gathered. Yeah, I can't really seem to get around it or under it. There must be some sort of magical ribbon. Oh, it looks like there's someone standing up at a podium about to make some sort of pronouncement. Can't get around it or under it. Reminds me of Linda.

And Linda was a... I can't talk about it. And that's why today I have invited all near, far, and next to me to stand in this square and declare it re-opened for commerce. Oh my gosh guys! Guys it's- it's reopened! It's reopened! The Queen of North-Eastia! Yeah John, I think she's waiting for a hooray and everyone got distracted by- by what you said. Shall we try it again everybody? Sorry, my bad. That's my bad.

I declare this market to be reopened. Hip hip hooray! Hooray! Hooray! We shall work, I will create an initiative where we will work on this together. Because that, I mean I should have told you in advance that there would be a call and response. Great job everybody, congratulations! Yay! Congratulations! Congratulations all! Thank you. I feel good about that experience. Guys, that's Rhiannon! That's our old buddy Rhiannon!

Oh Rhiannon! What did I... I said reopen. Whoops. That's why everybody paused. I believe she's here at this opening ceremony because she's the Queen now. Last we saw she was but simply betrothed to the King Toplake. Yeah, we got to reconnect with the royal family so that they can join forces with us to fight the wizards. That's right. We must gather our forces and go into our allies such as Tom Blaine Belleroth who shall help us defeat the wizards who have taken over vast areas of the land each under their own domain. By their evil doth surpass even that of the Dark Lord. Ooh, the ribbon's open.

Ooh, hey, Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Hey, Rhiannon, over here. Rhiannon, over here. Hey, it's us. We've met before. We're cool. Yes, my loyal subje-

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I know you guys. Yeah. I know you guys. Yeah, it's me, Arnie. I'm not evil. Oh my gosh, I just thought you were like regular people. Arnie, of know you guys. Yeah, it's me Arnie. I'm not evil. I just thought you were like regular people Arnie of course. Yeah. Oh, I never thought you were evil. Why did you just say that?

This is an exactly and I'm Chunt if you remember this is Ysidor Good you guys don't have to do all of that. We go way back. You guys saw me when I lived in a sack, when I was sometimes a nut. Don't give me all that stuff right now. How have you been? Oh my gosh, I've said, hold on, let me tell my detail

that I wanna have a quick convo with you guys because they're gonna try to usher me off because they're gonna think that you guys are like regular people that wanna like, you know, talk to me and I'll be like, give the signal when I want to end a conversation. I move my purse from one wrist to the other. We're being carried away. Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, stand down, stand down, switching the purse back.

I didn't realize that when I did that as an example, that it would be, I mean, every move I make is scrutinized. I mean, this is, let me just have a quick, these guys are with me. They're old friends. We go way, way back. So give me a couple minutes. Yes, we're well known to Rhiannon. Oh my goodness.

I have to say, it is just a delight to see some people from before. You know, when I was just a regular milkmaid who sometimes transformed into a woodland acorn. You know, but now I have, oh gosh, how have you guys been? Catch me up. What's been going on? Let's see. I was a ghost for a while and then I removed the immortality from all wizards and they're pretty pissed off at me and they've started taking over vast areas within Foo and creating their own fiefdoms. How are you? How have you been since you became the Queen? Yeah, unbelievable rise to power.

I mean, you guys, I mean, I feel like there's not a lot of people around me that know me for who I really am. And I have to be honest, there's a lot about this job that is very isolating and very lonely. And you know, don't get me wrong, I am honored to have this position as most people would be. But it is a lonely time, you know, I have been surrounded by people every minute of the day since I saw you last and yet I don't think I've had a conversation like this in ages. Well, it's our pleasure, Your Majesty.

Please tell us whatever you wish to speak of, and we shall speak of it with you. The most mundane topics are not off limits. Let us speak of the weather! Well? Orny, speak of the weather! Uh, the weather seems... nice? I don't know. How was that?

Was that mundane enough, Your Majesty? Is this befitting your wants, my Queen? It does seem like nice weather. I didn't realize how much I needed this. I have a kerchief, but every time I try to hand it to you, one of your one of your guards slaps my hand away. Yes, yes, because that's there was an attempt on my life a few months ago and it was via poisoned handkerchief. So now, of course, that's on the list of watchouts. I know when I said yes to a life with Tom Blaine, I of course knew I was saying yes to love, but I

didn't know how restrictive this job would be. And again, oh my gosh, I must sound like a willy pinny ninny just complaining about having the best things in the world. And here I am, just laying it all out for you. But I have to say, you know, the scrutiny I've received is unparalleled. You know, there was a lot of talk when we got together, and there were all the people that were saying,

oh, a milkmaid. Well, there's never been a milkmaid in the royal lineage. How's that gonna work? And what kind of music is she gonna pick for the wedding ceremony? And is her mom gonna wear a hat? And does she even know who her father is? You know, stuff like that. That's not fair. That is not fair. Although I will say I am curious about

all those questions. I mean, yeah. What kind of music is it? In a friendly way. Like, what are the, like, not in the like, judging you kind of way, but just in a getting to know you kind of way. Like, what kind of music does enough make juice for the wedding ceremony? And, uh, my queen? Yes, please, please. I just wanted to comment on how refreshing it is to hear someone of your stature say,

pinny-minny. I feel like that is such a common phrase, and to hear someone as regal as you mutter it, it just, ah, it fills me with hope for the future. Uh, sorry, the music. Well, there are many that would disagree with you, Chunt. I mean, there are many that would say, we don't want a queen that is of the music. Well, there are many that would disagree with you, Chunt. I mean, there are many that would say, we don't want a queen that is of the people.

We don't want a queen that used to go around expressing the milk of the breasts of the women in town. We don't want a milk maid. That's right. I forgot about that. We want somebody who is... I forgot too. I thought it was cows.

Yeah. No, it was never cows, you guys. It was never cows. It was me traveling around the area, finding women who had recently given birth and who then had their milk

come in, right? And then I would go express the milk from the breast and give it to the children of the town who needed it. Let me be clear, Your Highness. My eyes are glazing over a little bit, but I assure you, I am listening intently to every detail of how this works.

And my Queen, if I may, perhaps we could commission some merch that was like a t-shirt, if that makes sense, and over the breast it says it was never cows that might be a popular item perhaps you would of course receive some honorarium from that a percentage yes well I don't need a percentage because I have more money than I'll ever be allowed to spend but I back to the shape of the shirt. So the shirt actually, what are you saying? It looks like a T? Arnie, this might be better fielded by you. This is more of an Earth question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it kind of looks like it's in a T shape, so it's got short sleeves, but here's the thing that gets confusing about it. The sleeves are the top of the T, if that helps. But does the person have to hold their arms out the entire time in order for it to look like a tee? Yeah, to keep the structure, to keep the integrity. In olden days, but thankfully there have been enough advances that you're allowed to just rest your arms at your side. Very good. Very good.

Do you know who your father is? Oh yeah, that's right. Do you know who your father is? Do you know who your father is? I do know who my father is. So that was a particularly unfair question of them to be asking. It was because I feel like that is a question, well, the irony is, right,

is that you could never ask it of a royal because of course they know who their father is, right? And they know who their grandfather and their great-great-grandfather and their great-great-great-grandfather because they're all inbred. Okay, I said it. I said it, right? They're all related to each other. Right. So here I come along and yes, I have a mother and I have a father. And yes, my father left my mother when I was younger. And yes, he now lives in a different part of the kingdom. And yes, he went to the news people.

And he did say, I will tell you all about Rhiannon for this much money. And of course, they loved that. So they ran that story before our wedding. And so then that makes everybody say, well, why does Rhiannon's father want to talk about Rhiannon but make money from the newspaper people? And as you can imagine, it's just a big, big mess. He sounds like a despicable cheater to me.

Is he hungry? Do you know if he's ever hungry? Yeah, is he hungry? I'm sorry, Rhiannon. These two have been through some stuff. I don't speak to him often. I'm gonna guess that yes, he is hungry regularly And he did cheat. I don't know how you knew that but just good instincts Could you just tell you could just tell we've just been through some stuff, you know Chunt with voluptuous and me with Linda

Remember, I know it's hard. No, that's't want to remember. It's hard to say wait wait wait Where are the love sure and Linda now? Why are they here with you at the re? Market together. Oh, I have to say that every five minutes or so so people know why I'm here and being paid to be here Oh, you're getting paid market is reopened. You're getting paid Yes, I get paid by the taxpayers and so of course they have a bunch to say about how I spend my day so I have to show up and cut ribbons and do this stuff otherwise people are like why are we paying for Rihanna and why can't Tom Blaine just you know be married to

his sister like everybody thinks that that's what they want and right. I've never been a fan of that. Yeah gotta say it produces the most wild chins. You ever notice that? Yeah, I have noticed that some wild chins, sometimes long, sometimes missing. Well, let's take a quick break. And my queen, you can go ahead and continue to shout about the opening. And then we'll come back and hear some more about what you've been up to. I would love that. Yes, everybody, please move around the market.

Spend the money that you can't afford on things you don't need. That probably, I shouldn't have said that last part. Some of them look really confused and scared. Like they have to spend that money or they'll be in trouble. I did just shout that they did. So, to be clear, only spend the money you feel comfortable spending on things you would... that spark joy. A lot of guards are dragging people to the stalls. Let's take a quick break.

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Wondery means business. So, Rhian lost their jobs. Wondery means business. So Rhiannon. Yes. You know, I hate to ask this, but did your mother wear a hat to your wedding? She did. Okay. But it was a lot of conversation

because of course people were saying, what kind of hat is she going to wear? And you guys know the traditional milkmaid hat, right? Oh, yeah. The traditional. I'm afraid I don't. I'm from another world. Well, it's a very broad brimmed.

It goes way, way, way out and covers a lot of territory. And it's simply because back in the day the woman whose breasts were being expressed Wanted to be shielded from the rest of the town watching this, you know display Sure, so the hat of the milkmaid would tip over the woman whose breasts who were being caressed Supply expressing the milk right? Yeah, Arnie caressed expressed breasts. Yeah. I'm good. Okay, Arnie Did you start in your pants today? No, that's okay 13 year old on it. Yeah, it's interesting These conversations always take like twice as long when I'm having them with men when I talk about my old career

Sure, and you know, I can't if I could pinpoint why I don't know I should look into that at some point But so this wide-brimmed, of course, all of the royal lineage were worried that the hat of a commoner should have no place in a royal wedding. And of course, there were conversations about, you know, the brim would hit people in their head and then who would she sit with? And then, and then at one point they said, she could, the shade, it would provide so much shade. She can wear it, but she would have to sit in her own area by herself because they didn't want her, you know, darting into anybody else's brow or eye line. So I had to say, you know what? You know what? No hat, no traditional hat. You win. You win. Right.

And I'm just yelling to no one, right, because no one's there to hear me, which is part of the crazy making thing about this job. You know, you're just like, you win. Like, who is the you, the greater you? But there I am yelling it, which makes me look insane. Right. and everyone's like oh she's getting really like uptight about her wedding no I'm not I just don't have 800 years of tradition to care about right I just want to marry

the man I love I just want to stand in front of the people that I like and all the goddesses and say I take Tom Blaine takes me, let's go eat and dance. Right. But no, there's all this pomp and circumstance and everybody's got an opinion. And you know, why was my stepsister trying to sell my story to the newspaper? You know, it's like every there's all this drama going on and everybody loves it because they're like this is what happens When you bring a milkmaid into the royal family. Well, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction So your mother remarried you said you're a stepsister My father remarried father remarried a woman. I never met

She had two daughters. So they're not even blood related to me. They're like they're my step sisters, right? They're his stepdaughters. Right. But of course, the minute I'm about to take the throne, they have an opinion about everything. All of a sudden, they're oh, they spent so much time with me growing up. No, they didn't. They got married when I was 22.

We did not spend time together. We did not even do the high holidays together. But there they are with their opinions. What are some of your favorite high holidays? Oh, gosh. Well, of course the festival of the geese and moon. Oh, I love the festival of the festival of the geese and moon. Oh, it's beautiful. So many beautiful dances, so many great rituals. Arnie, do they have, do they have that on earth? Is that one of the ones that we share? No, I don't think so.

I mean, unless there's some kind of analogy, like, brief, could you briefly describe that festival? Or I'd be happy to. Yes, of course. Yo, go ahead, please. Well, you see, in ancient times, long before the counting of time, twelve geese allied themselves with the goddesses and said that they would bring forth happiness and joy wherever they went in the world.

So they spread themselves out across food. And then one night it was so dark they all lost track of one another. And all these brothers and sisters who were these geese, they were all siblings. They were afraid. And the goddesses demanded that the moon be born so that they could see each other in the middle of the night, making sure that we never lost track of those we love, even though they're far away. And then you also fill your shoes with chocolate.

Yeah, you put a lot of chocolate in your shoes. That's my favorite. I mean, if you're celebrating a secular festival, I guess you just put chocolate in your shoes, whatever. I see. No, it's the best part. You saw it's the best part. All right. I'm the war on the festival. I didn't mean to discount the geese's journey and their alignment with the goddesses in the dark, dark night that almost separated them for eternity. But as a young girl, weren't you guys just excited to set out your shoes and see which one the right or left would be filled with chocolate? As a kid, I was so naive because I always thought I would catch the geese pouring the chocolate in my shoes. Uh-huh. Then I found out it was just ducks who work for the geese. Yeah, Arnie, it's molten hot chocolate that they pour into these shoes.

And if you get up too early, you'll burn your foot right off. So you have to wait for the chocolate to cool. A lot of people say that the holiday was Invented by parents who wanted their kids to sleep later Oh, I could get behind that don't wake up too early or else you're gonna put your foot in Molten hot chocolate in your shoe and or you're gonna see that's where we get the expression Yeah, and every and Arnie already the night before the shoot chocolatey What you do is as a kid you leave out chalk and hatchets and that way the the the geese will ducks know that you

Take things seriously and they can use the hatchets on you and then draw a chalk outline of where you used to be I guess in every culture There's a part of growing up where you realize that you were naive and young for believing that geese came and put chocolate in your shoe. And that the real reality as an adult is that it's the ducks that work for the geese that are putting the chocolate in their shoe. Wait a minute. Do any kids listen to this podcast? I hope not, but I think some do. So much child listening. Oh Kids if you are listening, please know that that was just a silly joke that the adults were making it is the geese that Pours the mother. I mean, how could ducks do it? That's absurd

Yeah, it's not ducks who do it and ducks and all their butt fuckery. Yeah ducks don't even have hands It's not ducks with their weird duck dicks. Yeah, their weird duck dicks and all their butt fuckery. Hey. What? This is not making it better for kids. Okay, let's make it better for kids. Kids, here's a rhyme.

I once fucked a duck who sucked my butt. I once fucked a duck who also sucked my butt. At the same time? There's a rhyme for you to take into the world. What Arnie? Nevermind, that's a very acrobatic duck. At the same time? Of course at the same time. You never heard of a 48?

You've never 48 Arnie. Can ducks suck? Arnie. Oh Linda. Anyway. No. My co- Thank you.

Thank you you majesty. The knowledge of the queen. Thank you for- Well, I hope that- we got a little off track there, but I hope that the ceremony was still beautiful and that you had a wonderful wedding day. I'm sorry we couldn't be there. We didn't seem to get our invitation. I'm so sorry. You know what?

I had no control over who came, and that was the other hard part of it. Every young girl dreams of her wedding day, and when she realizes that she's marrying a man who is an actor who was heir to the throne but then didn't want to be the king and disguised himself in married ways, like, that's not, that wasn't, I'll just lay it out, that wasn't the dream I had as a young girl for this day. So there was already a lot going into it concerning my partner. Just like, there's a lot going on there. And I love, I love Tom Blaine, don't get me wrong. I love that man.

But then you add onto it all the restrictions of the royal wedding and the fact that there technically already was a queen because we're all calling Trachy a queen, which I'm like, okay, technically I'm the queen, but like, you can't blow into a family and be like, we're going to rearrange all the titles, especially like if you want to get along with your sister-in-law, which I do because Trachia is a singular person. She's got a lot that is very unique about her. I really like her, but there's a lot going on there. So it's like, I don't want to like, well, you know, I think like,

I'm not going to say that. I hear a lot of other people saying it, but like, I don't want to perpetuate stories about women that use word, you know, it's sort of like, oh yeah, like she killed a couple of people and used their bones to make furniture. She's quote unquote evil. Like I think that that's sort of like a broad, you know what I mean? Like I want to paint with a more nuanced. We never complain about all the men that do that. That's right. That know what I mean? Like I wanna paint with a more nuanced brush. We never complain about all the men that do that. That's right, that's what I'm saying.

It's like, where are all the podcasts about that? It's always about like, bitches be crazy, right? And who's admiring the artistry of the furniture she made? Well, that's another great question. It's made of bones, but she made it. That's pretty impressive. Yeah. Let's look at what she did. She's very talented, but I'm telling you, it was not a simple dynamic to insert myself into, right? When you're marrying a man who is co-reigning

with his sister who has already been given the title queen, but yet the person who is betrothed and then married to the king is technically the queen, right? the person who is betrothed and then married to the king is technically the queen, right? Like that's the way it's kind of always been done. But yet she's like, well, because we're co-doing it, like, let's call me the queen. I'm not going to like, I'm not going to ruffle duck feathers there. Right? Yeah. And it's weird that the rumor is, you know, this brother and sister co-doing it, but we all know, or at least I've heard rumor from, you know, my little birds. But I've heard that Queen Trekkia Aurelia Belleroth.

Am I saying that right? Trekkia. Queen Trekkia. Yeah. Trekkia Aurelia. Queen T.A. I've heard that she's actually having an affair with one of her sort of men in waiting. His name is Hank Mischief.

And what he does is he has these poison handkerchiefs and he what he'll do is he'll like go around town and like hand these to people and kill them. It's a really wild, wild rumor. Huh? Wait a minute. You're not saying that the man- Oh, it's been five minutes and you haven't said- Huh? Oh, sorry. I thought you were going to say it's been five minutes and you haven't yelled about the opening.

Oh my God, I haven't. Thank you so much, Chun. Attention, everybody who's still here. If you weren't here 15 minutes ago, hello, I'm your queen, the market's reopened. If you have heard me say that before, I invite you to keep spending your money, but only if that is fiscally responsible for your family unit. We don't want anybody going into debt because they think they have to spend money here at the market. Does that... hip hip? Okay.

Hooray! Or bones, hip bones. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we gotta work on the call and response. I mean, that's on me. You can't just turn an event into a call and response, right? The guards seem to not be letting people leave. Okay, that might be because I'm here and technically no one can leave until I leave because it's a matter of respect. Mmm, no. Queen, if you want to go, just go. Don't make us feel bad. No, I don't want to go. Don't you see see I would rather subjugate all of these people to another few minutes of

Random shopping so that I can talk to my three friends. This is now you're talking like a conversation I've had thank you. Well, I guess I guess a lot of people are actually shopping because it is only a few weeks until the Geese and moon holiday, right? Oh, it's coming up? That's right! The festival of the geese and the moon, yeah. That's right. I'm gonna write that down so I don't forget to celebrate it in a couple weeks.

Well, remember, Queen, you were saying? I just wanted to say, and everybody has to go and buy their secret shawl to give to their gander goose the night before. So Arnie, make sure before you leave today that you pick a secret shawl that you wanna give to your gander goose. And that happens the night before the molten chocolate. So it's not the night the shoes go out.

That's the night before the full moon. But the night before the night before, you go to your your gander goose Who is a secreted person that you've been assigned to or that you've chosen and you? Bestow upon them the shawl that you have picked for them, and then they must wear it for the next 19 days And two days after the molten chocolate is when the geese have their plain molten days And that's when they'll shed all the feathers they used up until the holiday Two days after the molten chocolate is when the geese have their plain molten days. And that's when they'll shed all the feathers they used up until the holiday.

And then what we do is we collect all of those and we make sort of fake geese out of those molted feathers to put around town, to put above your hearth. Herth? Herth? How do people say that? To sleep upon. Some people sleep upon them. They put them in a big bag and they sleep upon them yes yes yes i mean i i'm really surprised that that you don't remember this holiday you've been here for nine years and every year celebrated it several times every year

chunce and i exchanged shawls and then we look at you wondering why you didn't get or give a shawl. I mean you do all kinds of weird shit I don't know. I mean look in right we wear them for 19 days in retrospect Have I on numerous occasions been delighted that I found chocolate in my shoe, but not asked any follow-up questions. Yes I'm putting it together now and Arnie you've had to buy a lot of new pairs of boots and shoes You're not eating the shoe part. Are you not on purpose? You don't eat the shoe just, are you? Not on purpose. You don't eat the shoe, just the chocolate out of the shoe. Sometimes it's hard to know where the chocolate ends.

You can't eat the shoe. You can't eat the shoe, Arnie, because that shows the geese that you don't want chocolate the next year. You're literally destroying the vessel upon which they will pour the molten chocolate 364 days from now. So you need to keep the shoe. And I mean, they keep a list of everyone who's eaten shoes and who hasn't eaten shoes. And they also have another list, horny or not list. So they know when you're horny and they know when you're not. Kids, if you're listening. Kids, if you're listening, the geese have nothing to do with that. So if you are feeling horny, that's a separate

Column of feelings then we want you to not think about the animal right now It's okay. Yeah, but if you do think about an animal, I mean truly It is a spectrum and that's one of my key initiatives is Queens is a campaign I'm taking in for all the kids and it's called, It's a Spectrum. And look at a child and whatever is going on with them. I swear that phrase applies, it just applies. It applies to everything.

They're struggling with memorization. It's a spectrum. They might be attracted to geese. Yeah, I mean that's the nature of the spectrum. Everything is somewhere on it. Yeah, I mean, that's the nature of a spectrum. Everything is somewhere on it, yeah. Exactly, so when I came up with it, I was like, this is brilliant. No one can argue with this.

And so whenever there's a problem, I say it's a spectrum, and everyone has to kinda back off and say, you're right, you're right. So it safeguarded a lot of children. Well, I think we should take a quick break. But when we get back, I want to talk about this banner with your with your name on it, Rhiannon, because they've spelled Queen K-W-E-E-N.

Yes. I want to know more about that. Oh, I have a story. There's also this other tapestry where you are screaming into the sky, you win. Yes, I have a story for that too. We'll get to that as well. We'll get to all this right after the break. Yeah, yeah.

Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper. In this new thriller, available exclusively on Wondery+, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced.

She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro, who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. With an all-star cast led by Emmy nominee Sanaa Lathan and Star Wars Kelly Marie Tran, Shnook is available exclusively

and ad free on Wondry+. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Rihanna, I hope, you know, we've been friends a long time and as I remember correctly, we did help you and Tom Blaine to rediscover your love for each other. But so I hope this isn't too... Absolutely. I'm not prying, but how have things been between you and Tom since getting married, since him becoming king? I know. The last time you saw me.

No, it's not. It's the only question to ask, because it's truly the only thing I have going on, is my marriage. Um, so... Oh, this doesn't pass the Beakedell test. because it's truly the only thing I have going on, is my marriage. So, yeah, like- Oh, this doesn't pass the Beakdale test. The last time you guys saw me- Ernie, have we told you about the Beakdale test? Oh, sorry.

No, please. No, no, Queen, please, you, you, you, you, you. I don't pass the Beakdale test by interrupting you to say that. I- Ha ha ha ha ha! But now I wanna know what the Beakdale test is. Don't let me interrupt you answering a question about a man who isn't here.

Please, Queen. One of the geese from the Festival of the Geese and the Moon famously ended up his journey in a dell. So he ended in the dell, he used his beak to see if he was like, are there any ladies around? And there weren't. So he didn't pass the Beakdale test. Aha.

Was he happy about that? No, he was disappointed. That there were no ladies around? Oh, he wanted ladies around. Yeah, he wanted to lift up the voices of women and he didn't have the opportunity because he was a lone male geese in a dell, just a gander in a dell.

What was the question? Well, now I don't know if I... Arnie rudely asked you about your marriage, which is ridiculous because obviously you're living happily ever after. Everybody knows that's how it goes. Yeah. It is how it goes in a general sense. And here's what I have to say. I love Tom Blaine more than anything, and I would follow that man to the ends of the earth.

I mean, I literally did. I literally was like, let me give up my career, let me move to a place I've never been, let me literally create myself into something I wasn't. This is sounding super pathetic, as I say this out loud. Oh my God. Let's not forget the part about how, as an acorn, you would frequently be up his butt, as I say this out loud. Oh my god. Let's not forget the part about how as an acorn you would frequently be up his butt as I remember. Oh yeah. That feels okay to me

because there was mutual consent. Yeah, there's no power in this way. I enjoyed that. Yeah, I enjoyed it just as much as Tom. A lot of people are like, oh but how? You're not receiving any pleasure, but to give pleasure is very pleasurable in and of itself. So that part is not as problematic as everything I listed before it about forsaking my entire identity to land a man. Queen, I hate to put you on the spot. Is the acorn here with us today? I do turn into an acorn from time to time. When I'm with certain constituents that I think would react well to an acorn or hearing from an acorn.

I'm sorry, it's not a party trick. I should respect. I'm so sorry, Queen. I always pick acorns. It's not how to do it. I'm happy to do it because you knew me then and you know me now and you're not asking from a place of like,

oh, I wanna say that I saw the queen turn into an acorn in back. You're hearkening back to when we all first met and I truly was a little acorn in a sack and you had to help me out. So here we go. Here we go. Are you ready?

Okay. Boy, this is gonna cause- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Everyone is stuck around for the ribbon. You're welcome. Everyone who came for a ribbon cutting and will now see me turn into an acorn. Yeah. Again, I have to work on the call and respond. I guess it should have said whatever. I'll get back to that. Okay. Ready? Here we go. Oh Wait, oh your guards think you disappeared your guards are freaking out I Forgot to tell you guys. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry guys. I forgot to tell you. These are my old friends They're like my old friends. Yeah, and I'm just gonna turn into an acorn really quickly I'm gonna drop to the ground one of them will probably pick me up so we can continue the conversation

It'll just be a minute or two so you can all stand back stand by stand back and stand by That old chestnut Stand back and stand by the old chestnut. Stand back and stand by that old chestnut for this acorn. There's a lot of good nuts on both sides. Right? I always say that. Okay, ready?

Here we go, one, two, three. Mm, mm, mm. Oh, Arnie, pick her up, pick her up. Oh, shit, well, the guard keeps slapping my hand. Keep trying, oh, okay, look, she's. Guys, stop slapping his hand. It's me. I'll pick her up.

Back off, pig. Sorry, there was a pig that got out of its stall. Oh, nice. Smart to use mage hand to pick her up there. Oh, hey, hey. There you are, queen. Yeah, so here I am. I don't do it often because there aren't that many people.

First of all, the respect value goes immediately down. As soon as you transform and you're on the ground and someone has to pick you up to talk to them, you immediately lose cred, right? It's like your status is in the toilet. So I don't do it very often unless I'm meeting with people that are very low to the ground. Then they find it less intimidating.

You know, their queen is one of them. She rolls around in the dirt. Do you mind me asking who are the people you meet with who are very close to the ground? Who are the people in my neighborhood? Yeah. Well, some of the lowland people who are literally low land.

I mean, that's where the name comes from, the people of the lowlands. It's not because the land is low. It's because they're so low to the land Yeah, I didn't know that either until I became queen. Yeah in ancient times there used to be a lot of Rivalries between lowland towns where it was like how low can you go? Right every you just go lower and lower and it's sometimes then we would say to them, you know get low Get low get low get low right And then they all have to decide how low are they gonna

as like, is it to the windows? Is it to the walls? So there's like, there is this great debate. And it stops there. Yeah. There's a great debate about how low can you go? What if it didn't stop there? Arnie, how low can you go? Disgusting. I know what you're thinking. So yeah, Queen, I you go? Disgusting. I know what you're thinking. So yeah. Queen, I noticed, I don't know if this is a problem, I noticed a lot of the people who were shopping are now sort of staring at you with mouths agape and eyes wide like they've they're horrified or surprised. And a lot of your guards in black seem to be erasing

their memories. Yeah, I asked them to do that because once people see me do this and they won't erase your memory. Okay, I'll tell them that too. Once people see me do this, it becomes a thing, right? It's like I show up at parties and they're like turn into an acorn or I'm, you know, going about a royal decree day and I've put a lot of work into it and I read from from the scroll, and then one dude in the back is like, turn into an acorn! And I'm more than that, you know? It's the equivalent of, you know,

when I used to be a milkmaid, they're like, show us her breasts! And I'm like, sir, that is a separate woman. Her breasts do not belong to me. I am gently caressing them and bringing forth the milk. Arnie, are you okay? Yeah, you need a drooling. Yes, I'm drooling.

Sorry, just thinking, just listening really hard. You drooled on me. Now, Rhiannon, I noticed something that you just said. You said when I used to be a milkmaid and you had recently lamented about giving up your career, what is stopping you as Queen,.W.E.N. from continuing to express the milk from the breasts of women? Hmm.

You know, that is such a great question. And I think the answer is me. I think I'm stopping myself. I think that I have become this new person, and I am limiting the things that I believe I can still do. I mean, I have to assume that the recently birthed women of the village would allow me into their bedrooms to slowly take off their garments and... Arnie, back up, dude. Sorry, sorry. take off their garments and Barney back up there and caress their breasts gently until the milk comes forth I would assume that would be okay whether it's

your queen or just an average milkmaid but somehow I feel like I've limited what I can see myself doing now does that No, Queen, don't regress. Express the undressed breasts. I incest. Sorry, insist. Say it like that. This is why they need the big hat. Gotta get those big hats back. Yeah, the big hats really do. I mean, they keep the creepers away, right? Because sometimes you'd be amazed at the minute I show up,

people are like, Oh, I just came in to do you know where the hammer is? Or you know all of a sudden like a lot of the men have to do like a chore That's literally been on the list. Yeah, it's like a baker. Mm-hmm. Yeah, suddenly a baker's like, where's the hammer? It's like why do you need a hammer? You know what? He's there exactly Disgusting behavior. Where does this usually happen? Arnie a map. Where'd this usually happen? Arnie. Arnie, a map? Where'd you get a map from?

Yeah, could you point? Where the? Nobody knows. It happens where the women who have most recently given birth live. We make house calls. So we go to the breasts. We don't make the breasts come to us, right?

So we go to the breasts. What a beautiful slogan. So yeah, I could be anywhere. I could be anywhere all over the land in a day. You know, it just depends on who's recently given birth and has a big round bosom that needs to be slowly cajoled into expressing the sweet, sweet milk that once nurtured us all. I mean, honestly, you wouldn't even need to go to their home if...

Uh, uh, women of the market, is anyone here? Are your breasts heavy with milk? Arnie, you're levitating as if a cooling pie on a windowsill had its assent turn into a hand and did a come-hither motion upward. What's going on, buddy? Sorry. Sorry, I'm just really engaged with this interview. But I don't have my traditional hat with me here at the market, so I would not feel right

about asking any woman who's heaving ridiculously large breasts. Because have you gentlemen seen the breast of a woman who's recently given birth? It is comically huge. I mean, it is. It's like, it's almost insane where you're like, this does not make sense. Like, why your body just got toe up from the flow up. So why now would you dress look like they are about to split open? Right? Like if they are touched in the wrong way, it just looks like they might just like burst like a balloon and float into space,

never to be seen again. So, yeah. Pardon me for one moment, your majesty. I'm sorry, young woman. I'm sorry I called you over here. All dozen of you, please just return to the audience. Go about your marketing. Go about your market shopping.

I'm afraid that the queen shan't be able to express your milk here today. Yeah, so, uh, right. Because she lacks a hat. Well, she lacks a hat, everyone, and also she's an acorn and, you know, we can't have her nut on your breast. So, everyone, please, please walk away. Thank you for coming by. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for coming by. Hip, hip. Hip, hip. Hooray! Okay see now that was pretty good when you led the hip hip maybe maybe I'm not

commanding a hooray maybe my hip does not command a hooray. Well they are small and humble maybe you could I don't know maybe you could put a little more well you're also an acorn. My queen, please turn back to your, I don't wanna say usual self, but yes, yes, yes. Yes, okay, guards please commence in erasing everybody's memory, but not these three. They get to keep their memories because they are my special friends.

They don't treat me differently, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Oh, welcome back Rhiannon. Your majesty. Thank you. Your majesty. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I suppose, I suppose we should be on our way, but we've been hoping to have an

audience with your husband, Tom Blaine. Oh, he would love that. You must come by the castle. You must come by the castle. Oh, you simply must, okay? Tom Blaine would be thrilled to see three of his old friends. Are you kidding me?

He talks of you often and how much you had to do to help him to get to the throne. I mean, you guys were there for all the highlights, all the weird and very bizarre highlights, the road that led to him becoming the king. And this is a great time to stop by because his sister's out of town. She went to a different part of the kingdom to,

she, you know, like she's over in the Highlands doing, I don't know, they wear skirts and hunt things. You know about the Highlands, Arnie? I don't know if Arnie's aware of this, Your Majesty. The Highlands are where people are very tall. And it used to be an ancient competition to see who could get higher and taller. You'd think it was named that way because of the lands and how high they are.

Arnie, Arnie, you're drawing breasts on a map. Let me smack your hand here. Sorry, I just have some theories. Theories about... are you trying? What are you trying? What are you trying? You connect all these dots, they start to look like a breast. I think I found... I think there's something going on. Well Queen, we'll be on our way. Thank you so much for giving us an audience with you, and it's great to see if...

Queen, if I may address you as such, it's great to see an old friend. Please never stop thinking of me as your old friend. I implore you to stop by the castle as often as you are near, because to see you all reminds me of the life I used to have. I enjoy my life now. Again, don't get me wrong. Everybody would kill to have this job, but it is just sometimes a total fucking drag. But to see you here today, to

remind myself, oh my god, I did used to hide in a nut sack. I did used to trick the man I love into loving me. I did have a life before ribbon cuttings and unanswered hip-hips. Well, it's just... it's just made my heart full. Yes, Your Majesty. It's been wonderful to see you, but we must go quickly. Here come the gods in black! They're trying to erase our memory. Aha! My memory can't be erased! Although I do get sad when I see eggs now.

Guys, what's that about? Ernie? Usador? We can't be erased. Although I do get sad when I see eggs now. Guys, what's that about? Ernie? Usador? We can't tell them. No, no, not them. No, no, no, not them. They're with me. They're my posse.

They're my boys. Not them. I will say the thing about this guard. He makes us look good. For real, kids, if you're listening, our legal team will be in touch shortly to help you understand what you just experienced and answer the questions it may have raised in your innocent minds. There will be a lot of paperwork to sign. Have patience with our legal team, they're exhausted.

Yuzuru the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Queen Rhiannon aka Alice P. Korn the Talking Nut was played by special guest Kate James. Contact Kate about bringing her custom corporate workshop, backing away from Yes And to your workplace. It's an immersive experience for companies who have gone in a little too hard on bringing improv to business and need to get back to just actually being good at things. Price packages range from a week-long off-site to Kate just hanging out in your break room pulling people aside randomly and saying, you know what you do that a lot of people here have a problem with?

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