Hello From The Magic Tavern - Season 5, Ep 7 - Inventory Imp (w/ Oscar Montoya)

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

Ivan the Inventory Imp is eager to clear out the clutter and eat some garbage.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiIvan the Inventory Imp: Oscar MontoyaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Red KeenerMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm your host Arnie Niekamp. Knock knock. Knock knock knock. Hey buddy, Isidor and I are waiting at the table. Did you want to come out and record out there? I just, you know I was just thinking I would maybe stay in bed and record. Let me, sorry let me just. I went to bed with my microphone so.

Oh never do that. Don't have, Arnie don't ever go to bed with your microphone, so I'll never do that don't have Arnie don't ever go to bed with your microphone Who knows what could happen? Yeah, I think so I'm ready to order food here, let me I'm gonna touch your forehead with the back of my hand Oh, sweetie, you are burning up. Are you what's going on? Well, I mean I have about seven blankets on top of me. I'm just trying. Oh, yeah That would do it. Oh do it. Let me here Sean. Can I ask you before before we talk to you Sidor? Yeah What's up? Have I fucked everything up? No, no, no, no Arnie you keep The whole way back from North East Sea. You kept asking that you have fucked nothing up. Okay, you know Here's the thing. he fucks up this

food order the way he's fucked everything else up I'm gonna be furious okay you might have fucked up look I appreciate the honesty cuz here's the thing I know that we're all good buddies and so whenever we ask each other if we fucked up we instinctively say no no no you didn't fuck everything up but I know that sometimes one of us has fucked things up. Okay, Arnie. Listen, I guess the higher that we say no The more likely it is that yes, maybe you did something up Something up Arnie it's gonna be fine. Okay, Tom Blaine was seemingly gonna stab you anyway. I mean, that's like his thing, you know, so I

Seemingly gonna stab you anyway. I mean that's like his thing, you know, so I Mean we're no worse off than we were before for the most part Chunt. Look, I'm just worried you sir isn't immortal anymore He is immortal. He can die So the both of us were like we're gonna step it up and we're gonna take charge and we're gonna be the adults in this podcast That's right. Now. Shh. Here comes the dragon into the cave Unicorn soup yum, yeah But I appreciate I appreciate the the sentiment Okay, I'll take my microphone that can I record with a blanket around me you can bring three Arnie Which ones which ones do you want? I'll carry two of them all seven of these blankets are so good in different ways

How do I bring it down to three? Okay, so let's see here. We have the one with all the worms on it. Those are real worms. So surprises, I'm as surprised as anyone that that's one of my favorites. Okay, this one is human skin. It's been kind of dry.

Wait, hold on. This blanket is made of human skin? Yeah, aren't, you can't tell, feel it. It's like rubbing up against yourself, right? Yeah, that explains why I've been trying to masturbate, but nothing's been happening. I was like, I think I'm doing something. Oh, this blanket is rock hard, aren't he? Uh, whoo.

Um, let me just grab some of these. Alright, Yusunori, Yusunori, we're here, we're here. We're gonna, uh, let's order food. Let's order food. I already, I already ordered food. I couldn't wait any longer. Would you get us? I got well, I got myself three roasted chickens

with sides of mashed potatoes and vegetables. Enough for an entire table. I don't know. Sounds like normal food. I suppose I could share. You know, Ysidor, I'm surprised you eat chickens. Well, as I've established many times over many years on this podcast, I love birds. I know, but that's what I'm saying is, you know, if you love birds, you shouldn't eat them, right? Or you love them both ways? That's right. I've also established that I

love the flavor of birds. I mean, I famously love roosters feet. Yes. Oh, that's right. That's right So I all manner of bird, you know, I I love the flavor I love having long conversations with them I love the secrets that they tell as they fly through the sky Only hearing what is upon the wind and I love it when a coalition of birds comes together and says there must be a champion And I shall insist, along with my other fellow woodland creatures, that a wizard come fully formed

and completely naked into this world and become a champion. Well, I'm going back to bed. I'm going back to bed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ernie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Hello from Magic Tavern a podcast from magical in a food about nine and some years ago fell into a pearl behind a bird king But now you're not getting a sick to be a getting a signal from the crafty beaver something and You're joined as always by me and the in him and we're all set. There you go. Oh, shut you're all grown up You're just doing it. You're in charge of the house. Thank you. Do you find that new part of the introduction offensive to you a

Crafty beaver? Yes. No more than saying sly fox. Yeah. Okay. Or stupid fucking badger. Come on. Hey. It's a sickness talking. He's not feeling- I'm not sick.

I'm not sick. I mean, I guess depression is its own kind of sickness. Are you depressed? Youssef, we needed to build political alliances with the other kingdoms to fight the wizards and already I fucked it up with Tom Blaine Belroth and all of North Eastia. Whatever. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Now perhaps that particular relationship can't be salvaged, but I am certain that the forces of good and all their righteousness shall prevail. For I'm beginning to feel, though I have always taken knee and paid fealty to any royal that we encounter, that I... I don't like the Monarchy anymore. Hmm. Okay. Wow. Big take. Wow. I think this might be... I'm into it anymore. Wow. I think this might be I'm going out of lim here. This might be an

outdated form of government. Okay, who would we put on different money? Well, I was thinking me. I'd be good on money, right? Okay, posing like this, You were almost onto something. Lightning coming out of my fingers. Or maybe a wolf behind me and a moon or something like that. This is always the arc.

Someone is like, you know what? I don't like the current method of government. Oh, wait a second. What if I were in charge of everything? Let's put my face on the money. I just want to be a figurehead. Sure. Arnie, is that blanket moving or are you doing that? Oh?

Or you said or are you doing that? Why is that blanket moving? There's some small thing underneath this one part of the barney. Don't do this again. Come on This is not one of my blanket incantations Here let me move this blanket mess tidy ha Let's see what's happening. Must tidy, must tidy. Ah! Oh!

Oh! Ah! Oh! Mutual scare. Ha ha! There's a tiny adorable magical creature under my blanket. Aw. Oh hello, how do you do?

It's me, Ivan the inventory imp, and I'm just here to clean up any messes that you might have. And I thought this conglomeration of blankets was so filthy and dirty. Oh, the stench emanating from these blankets. I thought I should clean them. But I'm sorry, you are a person as a matter of fact. Yeah, I'm a person.

I'm from another world. My name is Arnie Meekamp. I'm the greatest warrior in all of phone. Yes sir, look at that. Arnie's back at it. He's right back in it. You can't keep a good man down. As soon as a guest appears, oh boy, he's back in good form. Come on, I wonder what question he's gonna ask first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So... what's your whole... sort of... face about? Okay, for Arnie, pretty good. It's all pretty good. Pardon? What's the face, you got it like in it's where, what's it all doing? I think what Arnie meant to say was, welcome Ivan and what,

other than cleaning up these blankets, what brings you to our humble establishment? Well, I must say sir that you emanate such heroic aura around you it's quite blinding as a matter of fact look at me I bow to you sir I bow to you and your majestic grace being sarcastic me would be. Me? Sarcastic? No, of course not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no existence a courtesy of the tavern of course to clean up any of your Inventory and organize anything that you might not need you know an adventure must always have an empty sack for every quest I was thinking of something from yesterday

Well, I was saying all adventures need to empty their sacks completely empty before every quest because... That's what I've been saying. You've got to empty your sack before your quest so that you're not to... Get the nerds out. Please let him finish. Okay, sorry. I don't see where... Please let him finish. What I'm saying is... I'm just saying you don't want to go into the whole... you don't want to go into the whole quest half-cocked.

Exactly, yes. A great choice of words. Half-cocked. You don't want to go in there half-cocked. You have to be fully cocked and ready to go so you can grab as many items as you can from each quest. So it seems like your sack is quite full. Oh it's quite fortuitous that you've come at this time. You see this new tavern that we're in, the Wanderlost. Ah, Ahni acquired it some time ago, but it's cursed. So we don't know what all is here. We could use your help with the inventory and cleaning things out. Oh, well, what's cursed but a blessing from a different perspective, huh? Wow, that really makes you think, doesn't it?

Seems like a tapestry should be above a fireplace. And so it shall be! Eroth, Tyral, K'roth! Oh, oh, wow. Well, that's one. Well, that's that's adding more clutter to the space, though. I am going to take it down. OK, it's all right.

I'm just going to take it down. I nearly went into a pile. I'll also say personally, and my name is Chunt. I'm a shapeshifter. Enchanté. Very nice to meet you. I do. I do. Well, oh, thank you. Well, oh, nochanté. What do you do? Very nice to meet you. A beautiful, heroic energy emanating from you as well. Oh no, please, thank you.

Yes, quite brave if I do say so myself. Thank you. Well, I'll say personally, I know myself. I carry, you know, I have a war hammer, I have this and that, I have some starmorph, and I will say, recently when I've been trying to run, it's more like a slow walk. And I don't know what it is. Like no matter what I do, I just can't run. So I don't know if you can help me.

Let me ask you a question. Yeah. But the more things you pick up, the heavier you feel and the slower you run, yes? Uh, yeah, that about sums it up. Ah, okay. Well, you know, I don't want to assume anything of anyone because, you know, everyone's got different stories and backgrounds, but it feels like Mr. Chunt, a lot of your things that you're getting are weighing you down. I'd like to ask you a question, if I may.

Okay. Oh, he's setting me down. Oh, this is serious, okay. Who is Chunt? Without the armor. Um, I'm a shapeshifter, usually in the form of a banger. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But without the shapeshifter, usually in the form of a bander. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But without the shapeshifting, without the things. Without the things, I guess bones and viscera and blood and guts. Mm-hmm.

And is there need for armor for you? Sorry, let me just, if I may, just like unstrap that huge shoulder piece you have on it. It's quite cumbersome. Ysidor, I'm gonna write all this stuff down just in case we ever make a TV show. Just understand who each of our characters are. Sure, sure, sure.

Yes, please describe to us what you're wearing exactly. Just so I can have a visual inventory of who you are. Yeah, so I am wearing Starmer, which is armor made of Dead Stars. It's sort of underneath my skin but peeking through certain tufts of fur. I'm also wearing a big old smile. And I think that's... Oh, and I'm wearing half of a burlap sack over the top of my head. Of course.

And this mighty weapon you yield as well. Tell me the story of this weapon. Oh, so this mighty weapon you yield as well. Tell me the story of this weapon. Oh, so this is Star Smasher. So I got this puppy in the, I want to say, what was the, something fields. Oh, celestial fields. Yes, I was training, sorry, so long ago I was training to help protect my friends because my friend here is, well I won't go into it, I won't bore you, it's so long ago. I was training to help protect my friends because my friend here is

Well, I won't go into it. I won't bore you with the details, but I need to be able to protect my friends That's who I am at my cores. I'm someone I'm protective. A protector. Yes. Yes, of course. Yes, I need to I need to be in service to my friends. Are you? I'm just dragging your sledgehammer over to this fireplace It's so cute to see you hold this. One, two, three. No, no, I'm quite fine.

No, this is what I do. You know, I've been without the inventory and I'm just no one. It's funny. I'm used to seeing Momo carry this with no ease, you know, and she has such strength, but it's weird to see something so small struggle with it. Okay, I've moved an inch away from you. Now, tell me, how do you feel without these things weighing you down?

I feel a little vulnerable, but... Is that a bad thing? It's not necessarily bad. Oh, yes, yes. And you, Usador, if I may, Mr. Usador or if I may refer to you as that I don't have to know I have many names I for I am use it or wizard of the 12th realm of aphesius master of light and shadow Manipulator of magical lights devourer of chaos champion of the great halls of trocas the elves know me as fearing arc the dwarves No, me is zone. Oh, he's putting his finger over usadors lips

me as Fianyark, the dwarves know me as Zonanukesfangys. Oh, he's putting his finger over Isidor's lips. And I'm known through the northeast as Gasmanius Mastar, but there may be other secret names that I shan't ask because small finger doesn't matter. Wow, so many names, so many names, so heavy, all the responsibility, oh, do they weigh you down, these names. It is true. Heavy is the burden that I bear, for lo, it has been my duty to fight evil in all its forms.

And in that time, my 350 plus years upon this spoon, I have gathered title and accoutrement and mystical artifacts and tomes. And it weighs a little, doesn't it? Not just physically, but also emotionally, doesn't it? Yes, it's all added up. And I don't know how much longer I can take it. And the worst burden I bear.

May I tell you, Ivan, the worst burden I bear? Of course, unload onto me, of course. Jun, should we be paying attention to this or should we be- It's your turn to listen right? Oh, I guess so. Okay. It is the guilt I feel for causing all of the wizards to become mortal. Even though I myself suffer the same fate and could die at any second, which is terrifying.

I'm used to be able to stab myself, set myself on fire, whatever the fuck. Doesn't matter. Yeah, it used to be fun, yes. Yeah, it's fun. But now it's serious. Watch this. I'm used to be able to stab myself, set myself on fire, whatever the fuck. Doesn't matter. Yeah, it used to be fun, yes. Yeah, it's fun. But now it's serious. It's good. Like, watch this. I'm on fire. Hi, idiot.

Uh... And now... Whoa, you- Whoa, Yusudor, you didn't have to call him an idiot. He's helping us out. Oh, no, I- I was- No, I don't think- Yes, he was- It was hypothetical as if I was speaking to someone who didn't know what it's all about. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, of course. Yeah. No, I understood that, no.

Like, remember when Oni first came to Earth and he kept to ask me to do things? I'd be like, no, idiot, I'm sorry. Yeah, of course, yeah. No, I understood that, no. Like, we remember when Arnie first came to Earth and he kept to ask me to do things, I'd be like, no, idiot, I can do that. So it's sort of like, it was sort of an imaginary Arnie. It was the implied Arnie. Yeah, yeah. Yes, may I perch on your shoulder? Absolutely.

Oh, okay, here I go. Ooh, ah, yes, yes. Now, this responsibility that you have to take care of not just you, a wizard, a mortal wizard, might I add, that's very tough, I might say. But all the wizards, entire generations of wizards, that's a lot for you, yes? It is. I want to ask you. Please.

Step aside from this hero title, and the champion of whatever and who's ever, what the heck. Right. What do you, as a person, want? As a person? I've never really thought of myself as a person before. Well you are now. You're immortal. You're an immortal person now.

You're right. You're right. What I want. What I want is to create peace. Peace in this land. Do whatever I can, whatever small thing I am still able to do to ensure that what I have wrought upon this world does not destroy it from the inside out. I thought you were going to like count napkins. No, I can do that. Oh, easy. I can see one, two, three, four, five, six.

We have so many napkins. Yeah, there's so many napkins. I thought you were going to be like, I want a piece of this chicken. Because sorry, the food's here. We should eat a little bit of this chicken. Oh, yes, please eat, eat everyone. Eat, please. Yeah, we'll be right back.

Do you? Sorry. Do you eat? I just ate oh What did you what is it kind of your size eat? Oh, I eat well I close I garbage I think that people you know consider garbage so as soon as you say oh, this is garbage. I will consume it oh It's my sustenance We'll be right back Oh, this is my sustenance. We'll be right back. Business can mean a lot of things.

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Even this little sad man over here. Oh, yeah, his name is Arnie. He's not sad. He's sick He's very very sick. Oh, you're unwell Well, what ails you so Arnie? Well, you know look I'm sure I have any number of mental health things that I need to parse through but mostly just recently I'm a little bummed out that I feel like I'm failing in my quest to help save all of Foon, you know Yes, look It's a little bit like new year new me that sort of thing, you know where you're like, it's a new year

I'm gonna go to the gym and then two days later you're like I fucked it up I'm never going to the gym again. Honey. Hold on. I mean you just asked he was dead. Mm-hmm. Yes Are you dead? Am I dead? Mm-hmm. Are you dead? Arnie, are you dead? I don't think so. I mean, some fan theories, but no, I don't think so.

You're not dead. You're still alive. As long as you're alive, you can create change. But start small. All the world is so massive. That's too much for you to think about, huh? That should be a tapestry. Well, if it is a tapestry and if it's garbage,

I'll eat it, okay? So it's gotta serve someone some purpose. So Arnie, you know, all those layers of blankets and that very solid piece of fabric as well. It's very tough too. What is this? What is it made out of? Clink, clink, clink.

Ivan, I have a piece of lint here that's trash to me. Can you go eat that in the corner for one second? Of course. Hehehehehe. Arnie, Chunt. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Very careful in this episode. That we don't insult each other.

In this episode? Shut up and listen to me. Shut up. You just insulted Arnie. You said don't insult each other, then you said shut up. Well, I'm sorry, you shut up too. Both of you shut up. Huh? You're shut up We can insult each other but we cannot call each other trash or garb

Don't say you're a garbage idiot because we say something like that where he'll he'll devour us Always his ears pick he he looked over here his ears perched. He did perk up. That was just an example. That was just an example So so just be careful about what you say. Okay, just to be clear, can I call you guys a piece of shit? Does that- Oh absolutely, anytime. I think that's right on the edge, but okay. Okay. That was so satisfying. Thank you so much for feeding me today. No, it's just my pleasure to do so. I hope that was enough to satiate you. No, nothing ever is. Oh sure, I know that is. Aren't you warm underneath all those layers of blankets? Yeah, don't you just want to take one off?

Just one layer off well Yeah, I guess I could get rid of this one that has made a human skin But the problem you don't have to twirl it around your head. It's not as trippy Performance yeah, I'm just a natural-born performer. What can I say? Thank you Natural rhythm I must say thank you Ivan Ivan do you mind telling us a little about you? I feel like you've You've such a media league on us to unburden ourselves. But who's Ivan?

How did you get into inventory impdom? Well, you know, I was born an orphan and lost as most mythical creatures of my size and demeanor are off to do. And well, I realized that the only thing that was keeping me alive was people's discarded stuff. You know? And because, you know, people have called me a people pleaser most of my life.

And well, you know, I've noticed that this whole world is just full of garbage. It brought me so much joy to sort of organize and digest and consume other people's garbage, whether that's metaphorically speaking or quite literally. And my job is just to bring happiness to everyone, one person at a time, by eating away everyone's refuse. Sure, oh, that's beautiful. Hey, Ivan, can I talk? Oh, why are we whispering?

Can I talk to you for a second? Talking to who? Sorry, talk to me. Can you talk to me? Oh second? Talking to who? Sorry, talk to me. Can you talk to me? Oh, me? Yes, of course. Let me perch on your shoulder. Oh, perfect. Ah, soft.

Oh, thank you so much. Oh, no, no, no. Don't curl up. Wake up, wake up, wake up. Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just your... What do you use for this fur? Oh, thank you. It is flaxseed oil.

Ah, oh. I also try to eat five pounds of blackberries a day just to kind of keep the sheen, the oils in place. Yes, yes, not a dead piece of a patch at all here, you know. If you had dead fur, I'd definitely consume it for sure. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I was going to ask, speaking of sort of unburdening ourselves and kind of discarding inventory, my buddy Usador, he's got so many flippin' names. Could you maybe help him pick out just a couple, just like a few that spark joy or something? Of course, yes, but he has to willfully throw those names

away if I'm to consume them. I see, I see. Well, it's worth a shot. Do you wanna bring it up? Because he'll get mad at me if I bring it up them. I see, I see. Well, it's worth a shot. Do you wanna bring it up? Cause he'll get mad at me if I bring it up. Oh, okay, of course, yes. A wink, kiss. Oh.

Okay, so Mr. Isidor. Yeah, sorry, I was just finishing this chicken. I don't need this carcass anymore. Oh no. He ate that so fast. Oh, yes. Now, if I may, your presence is so strong. One would say overpowering in a lot of circles.

Absolutely. To me, I'm only two inches tall, so, you know, it's very powerful for me. What is the history of your name collecting? Oh, the history? Well, as I've traveled through Foon on my many great adventures. Buckle in, guys. As I've traveled through Foon on my many great adventures, I just happened to come across a number of different

species and enclaves and tribes and civilizations that all have come to know me by their own language or name. Which species, cultures, tribes have you not spoken to in a while? Oh, let's see. I guess I don't speak to the bakers of food much more and they all called me Biscuit Meniscus.

Okay, well, do we really need to call you that if you haven't spoken to those people in a while? I almost never use that one, no. So would you consider that kind of- Yeah, I could probably get rid of that one. Yum! Yum! Fuck.

Chunt, Chunt. Yeah? I know this is crazy. I'm tired of hearing all of Ysidor's names, but I'm gonna really miss The Baker one which yeah, it was one of my favorites and I can't even think of it But I feel like it was one of my favorites. Don't you feel a lot lighter? Yes. I did help I let's see one time I did write a play There was never congratulations under the pen name of Brack Zaff

I'd be okay to lose that one. And when was the last time anyone called you Brach Zach? Well, I got approached about doing some commercials, but I decided, uh, I decided that maybe that was beneath me. And, and it, you know, if I do say so myself, it is, it is a little bit, you know, you see, you're a world leader. You're not a little too big actor. That's right. That's right. I don't, I don't need to be Brack-a-Zaff. No, no. So would you say it's sort of a garbage name? Yeah, it's a garbage name. YUM!

Oh, Arnie, look, he's like 2.1 inches now. Yeah. Oh, thank you. You have fed me, and for that I grow. Yeah. Oh, thank you. You have fed me, and for that I grow. Ah, now what else? What's one that you got that you don't like at all? You're like, I don't want people to call me this name anymore.

Well, you know, many of the bricklayers of food would call me Dumpyard Daddy Boy, and I didn't really ever care for that. No, I'm so sorry. You sir. You sir. No, what? That's the one name that ties you tethers you even to the blue collar community, you can't get rid of that one.

But dumpyard daddy boy. It's an insult. It's clearly an insult. I don't know. Arnie and I call you that behind your back constantly. See, that's why I don't like it. Oh, come on. Yeah, I guess it connects you to the blue collar workers,

but do you really want to be associated with commoners in that sort of way? I know that you want to seem approachable and nice, but I'd probably give you the name, use the door, the approachable rather than Bricklayer Daddy or whatever the name you said. I've forgotten it because I was so bored. Look, it's Dumpyard Daddy Boy, and I'm not saying that

because I wrote it down and I'll be able to read it and over and over again. Wait a minute, he just disparaged the blue collar working class heroes of Foon? This guy, this guy's probably a wish- Now let me stroke your head. He's a wish-fun kid. Hey, come on.

Are you a wish-fun kid? Be honest. Excuse me, what? Are you a wish-fun kid? Is that orphan story all bullshit? What what do you mean? No, I'm helping you out. No, he's born an orphan. They're born and then they're made into an orphan I didn't clock that what he said. Okay, so I Emancipated from my parents if you must know Okay, I emancipated from my parents and chose to become an orphan.

Is that a crime? Is that so bad? And yes, my parents were one of the most influential inventory imps of all time. I don't want to be associated with that anymore. That is a name that I have given up completely and completely consumed. Now, Isidore, what are some other names? Feed me daddy, please. Look, as much as I would love to get rid

of more of the names, this show is a little too name rich in general. Is there, is it possible you could help us dig through some of the shit we have here at this tavern? We haven't gone through all the weird things that came with this cursed tavern. Oh, absolutely, through all the weird things that came with this curse tavern. Oh absolutely, I can eat physical things as well. So tell me, what's one thing that's a complete eyesore here? Hold on, we saw you house a whole chicken carcass. You don't have to tell us dude.

Your neck is... There's like a bone kind of sticking out of there. Yeah, the legs and the wings are sticking out of the sides of your neck. You gotta swallow that. Not true. Come on champ. Not true, but it's taking the out of there. Yeah, the legs and the wings are sticking out of the sides of your neck. You gotta swallow that. Not through. Come on, champ. Not through, but it's taking the shape of it. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's like some sort of serpent eating.

Yes, I know exactly what I look like. I have a mirror. You gotta finish swallowing is part of the problem. You just got like halfway through a swallow. All right, fine. Well, okay. Will you feed me more things if I swallow? Yes, we will.

Gulp! Ah! Now for me personally, I don't know how Chunt and Arnie feel about this, but uh... Uh... There are two suits of armor, right next to each other. Oh, two. A decorative suit of armor is kind of like a fun, kitschy tavern thing, I get it. But two right next to each other, like... You're scarish, doesn't it? It feels garish.

It feels a little garish. Exactly. No, I'm with you there, yes. You know, all you have to say is you point to one and you say this one's garbage or you point to both and say these are garbage and I'll consume them both for you. Arnie, I love both those suits of armor. And yeah, the one is garish, but I named it. I gave it a name.

I don't want it to go the way of the dodo. I'm just lifting up the visor, lifting inside the suit of armor. There are skeletons in here. There's a skeleton in each of these suits of armor. Was there a person? Were these guards? Hey, good to see you.

Oh, they speak. Hello? Hey, how's it going, Arnie? Hey. We haven't met, but you know my name. What should I call you? Schultz and the other one named Garrett. No, I'm garish. Oh Garish yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We told you one of them was garish to talking skeletons in a suit of armor I don't know.

Do we really need this? Hmm. I mean, it's nice to meet you, Garish. It's nice to meet you, Schultz. Nice to meet you. I sort of agree. Do we need both of them? They sound exactly alike.

Yeah. If they distinguish themselves in any way, perhaps we would keep them both. Yes, how are you two different from each other? Well, one of us only tells the truth. No, this. And? And the other one owes the other one 300 gold.

Huh. Okay. Okay, I'd like to talk to the one who always tells the truth. Yep, that's me. Yeah, consider yourself garbage Mmm. You know what a lot of times? Yeah, I'm fucking to try That was satisfying and now you don't know the other one 300 gold yay, I guess it all worked out Huh that was was sorta fucked. Um...

Well, I suppose, uh... Are you gonna be alright, Garrosh? Or wait, are you the other one? I don't know anymore. Pfft. What? I don't know anymore. You don't know which one you are?

No. What? Without my best friend, I don't have an identity. Eat me, eat me! I'm Detritus. I'm fucking literate, I'm- He said Detritus, that's it. I'm waste- Oh, damn.

Mmm. Mmm, yum. I guess they're reunited, so that's beautiful in some way, in some way, right? See? Don't you feel much lighter after all that? I mean, yes, besides the guilt, I feel, as those might have been a lie. Arnie, this guy's almost as big as you now. He's getting big, that was fast.

He's like gotta be 6'2", 6'3". Ivan, can I ask, have you always been small? Or, you know, when we met you, you were quite small. Yes, no, I'm normally nine feet six inches tall. Whoa, oh sorry, don't climb my shoulder. Get off my shoulder, that was cute earlier, but now. No, can I please? I'm so comfortable here.

Get down, get down. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, okay, fine, geez. But you know, I was hibernating during this season, so I haven't eaten in a very long time. And if I don't eat, I get small. So, you know, if I don't eat anything at all, I cease to exist. But now, thanks to you, I'm as big as you are.

So I've gotta say, Ivan seems almost borderline dangerous, but we do have so much crap that we need to get rid of. You know, like we're constantly adventuring, and I don't know about you guys, I've got a bad habit of picking up everything Like if I go into a new room I just point and click at everything and I'm just sort of like maybe I can solve a puzzle later on with this

I'm gonna put this in my bag Arnie. I have 45 pounds of dead cockroaches just cuz I'm like I might need this at some point Yeah, you might. Yeah, it's true cuz you don't want to be on an adventure later and be like, oh shit, I've got to traverse all the way back to where those cockroaches were to solve this puzzle. Well, you probably need it right now when you have a very hungry inventory imp asking you for trash and you have those bags of cockroaches to give away. I'm just saying. Well, let's take a quick break and I'll... These cockroaches are trash.

Blah! They were just some bag bugs. Don't worry about it. Trent, you have got to stop pointing out living things for him to eat. In the climate-ravaged year of 2072, the city of Pura stands as a miraculous green haven, a geo-engineered paradise that protects fortunate residents from the global catastrophes of heat domes, fires, floods and droughts. Demetria Lopez heads up Pura's public relations, tirelessly promoting the city's idyllic image. But when she stumbles upon a dark secret that if exposed would be the downfall of Pura's

existence, she must decide who and what she is willing to protect. From Wondery, the makers of Academy and Dr. Death, The Last City stars actors Reyes Seahorn, Jeannie Tirado and Maury Sterling. Follow The Last City on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of The Last City early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I'm Shimon Liayi and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition.

I wouldn't say I have an ego problem, but I'm extremely competitive. All of the competitors are used to being the best and the brightest, and they're all vying for a huge cash prize. This will probably be the most intense thing you've ever gone through in your life. I remember that feeling, because I was one of them. I lost. But now I'm coming back as a judge, and also a kind of teen girl anthropologist. Because if you want to understand what it's like to be a young woman in America today,

the competition's not a bad place to start. Hopefully no one will die on station night. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is The Competition. Follow The Competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to the competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus. Uh, okay. Next thing. Uh, the stuffed butt of a deer mounted on the wall. Keeper toss. What is this? It's a stuffed butt of a deer. What? What's it? Nevermind. It's stuffed with its head, Arnie. What do you do when you of a deer what what's it never mind? It's stuffed with its head Arnie. What do you do? What do you do when you dress a deer?

Look, I know I'm bad. I'm a sort of a hoarder. So I I don't want to get rid of anything but How can you get rid of that butt with its own head stuffed in it? Okay, keep next up Arnie's notes about us ever having a TV show Keep or toss now this stuff is shit. Garbage. Ruff! Don't you feel much better now? This guy is huge.

You're taking up a lot of this corridor that we're walking down right now. And you're taking less space. And isn't that what the point of all this? I'm getting heavier and you are all getting lighter. I suppose so. His laugh, his laugh, he laughs but his eyes are dead. I'm getting heavier and you are all getting lighter His like he laughs but his eyes are dead feed me more Have this resonance stone that lately I feel like every once in a while I'm hearing it say my name Put it up to my ear. Yeah, I Think it's it I think it said honey. Oh, it's probably talking about me though, right?

Are you already are you are you in a relationship with this stuff? I mean you could do worse I'm just gonna put this under my hold on to that hold on to that Don't you want to break up with your partner come on? No, no the the stones off-limits. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Let's see here. Yousdor's, oh, his fake nose. Remember yousdor's that fake nose to sometimes walk around as a peasant? Ah, yes. I did I did wear that fake nose in the mole for a while. But then the Academy thought it wasn't the best idea.

You know, I've got to say, at first, when people were talking about the fake nose, I was like, that's awful. But in the context of what you're doing with it, it was better than I expected. Okay, well thank you. Not award-winning or anything. Yeah, that's trash. We can get rid of that. Okay.

All right. Let's keep going. I crave more trash. Okay. All right. Boom. Let's keep going. I crave more trash. Okay. Well, fine, Ivan. We'll get you some more trash. Don't, no, no, no. No, you cannot get up. Don't get on my shoulder.

Come on. Get down. It's a crazy spot. Get down. What is with him and shoulders? He thinks he's a little limp still. You know, it's like when you have a dog that thinks it's a lap dog, but it gets too big.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ooh, I wanna sit on your lap. Well, maybe when we go back downstairs. Oh, that reminds me, a dog that's too big. We do have this tome that's the complete collected Marmaduke strips. We don't rea- we were gonna do it on Patreon, but... Oh, wait, Arnie, don't toss it yet. Is- is Marmaduke funny?

Hmm. Seems unlikely. Like, what Is- is Marmaduke funny? Hmm. Like what's a typical Marmaduke joke? Yeah, what's- Read a page from the book. Yeah, read a page from Marmaduke! Arnie, read a page from Marmaduke real quick. Okay, here's one. And you- hey, Usador, Usador? Yeah. Is he saying mom or duke? Like it's- they don't know if somebody's a mom or a duke. Can a- can a duke be a mom?

I thought that's what he was saying. I mean, okay. Okay. That's a backwards planet So here's a guy sitting in a chair and The mom or Duke is like sitting in his lap and it's just so big and he's just like he's trying to be nice about it Chunt, Chunt an aside, please. Oh, please Is he saying Bob or Duke? Oh, please. Is he saying Bob or Duke? I think he's saying mom or Duke, but it could be Bob. It could be Bob or Duke. Yeah, like what is the name of the of the character Bob or Duke? We don't know. Oh, well Duke could be a Bob, right? Well, I guess not in Foon. That would be insane.

Yes, exactly. And in this one he's saying if it's in a rhyme, if it's in a book, you can't escape the Marmaduke. Trash. T- garbage. Toss it. BOOM! That- well, okay, I was starting to get into it actually, but... Oh well. Things, things.

I'm tired of things. Give me people. Living things is what I crave. Oh. Ah, what does he want from us? Blood? Look, I- I could like, prick my finger or something and squeeze some into his- No, don't feed him, Seymour. Oh, what does he want from us blood? I could like prick my finger or something and squeeze some into us No, don't feed him Seymour. Oh, come on. Let's be honest This adventuring party. Are you all?

Equally as important in your quest or is one not pulling the weight what I'm saying is Is one of you trash that I can eat? Voices are high which means you're lying. No, I just sat on my nuts. Listen. Hey listen Ivan to be fair Arnie and I sometimes both don't pull our weight. so... I don't think that makes us the T-word, okay, or the G-word. And hey, sometimes Ysador... I guess Ysaur pretty much always pulls his weight. But listen, hey... Thank you.

Chunt, what do you bring to this party? I don't know, is it party? Um, loyalty, um, fun... Wordplay. Wordplay, thank you Arnie. Thank you so much. um, loyalty, um, fun, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, days of the month do not play with my ass do not go in there isn't that the new t-shirt you're working on do not go into my ass or don't talk to me till I've had the third day of the month don't play with my ass until after the third whatever well I liked Arnie's version I think it was the most succinct it's guys it's me it's me I'm the me. I'm the least useful. I've been fucked. I've been fucking things up

No, Arnie, you're the you're the greatest lawyer in food you you were king for a little bit You're the greatest swordsman in all food. Yeah Arnie technically is all those things you created this podcast Arnie We wouldn't be doing this podcast without you. So I dare say you're the most important of the three of us. Although you sort of do a lot. It's very powerful. I guess it would make me feel better

if everyone listening went on Apple podcasts and said nice things about me in the review section of the podcast. I didn't mean for this to be a totally pandering storyline But I'm willing to turn it into that no of course and already can I just I'll just add Anybody who doesn't do that who doesn't go and leave a review. I think they're trash But I see what you did there good I shall feast for months years millennia even I'm listening

Ivan do you have any kind of powers that? Transcend this one dimension that we're in can you travel between there's a weird question. I'm just hypothetically could you travel between dimensions? Well, I guess I could if that said dimension had a lot of garbage that I could consume. You know, I'm always looking for yum goody eats. Why, what are you proposing? He's gotten so big, I think his brain has stayed the same size. So he called food yum goody eats. Did we all hear that?

I did hear that. Actually, kind of catchy. I'm stealing that. I'm kind of hungry for yum goody eats did we all hear that I didn't actually kind of catchy I I'm stealing that I'm stealing. I'm good. He eats myself yge come on. That's actually awesome We haven't really thought about how we might use this to our advantage. Oh There are a lot of people beings creatures whom with we have issues Let me sit on your shoulders Are you saying that similar to how we sent memory or wizards Bane off to try to kill spin-tacks

Right, we try to sick Ivan the inventory imp on one of the wizards imp on one of the Wizards? I think it might be difficult to battle but uh... Okay, I'll try. Final get off. Oh, thank you. Whoo. Yes, it's possible if we said, you know, that such and such a person is trash. That then Ivan would be locked into some sort of mortal combat with them. Ooh, yeah. Arnie, let's test it out. Who on earth do you think he should eat? Hmm, I mean, look, increasingly there's no shortage of people that I could think of, but I almost don't even want to invoke their names. That's the worst part of it.

James Spader is trash. What? Arnie, I've heard you say that name. James Spader, yes. I shall go and eat James Spader. Thank you so much. Now I can travel to the other dimension. I love you all. Kisses.

Kisses. Kisses. Kisses. Kisses. Kisses. Good boy! Oh shit, I hope the blacklist isn't still in production on my world. Now James Spader, he was the one that you said was the leader of the King of Queens?

No. Guys, alright, we're gonna have to start having our IMDB meetings again where I explain who was in everything. Oh no wait, James Spader is the guy who used to do a weekend update piece where he was super snarky and pissed off Eddie Murphy. No... Hollywood Minute? Well, it appears Ivan's gone to find James Spader, and I am out of here!

Bye bye. Bye bye. Ysidor But bye bye bye Yusador bye bye bye bye bye bye. Oh there. He sent it back to me. Thank you. Yeah, Arnie Do you think that's really gonna work? Do you think Ivan's gonna be able to go to a different? We should have said he was trash fuck Your trash oh fuck can we get him back here well next time next time Can we get him back here? Well next time next time Before we go, let's do a quick email dear listeners By the way, if you want to email us you can email me at magic tavern at puppies that supplies. It's a real email address Here's one that I got recently The subject line is Arnie should have business cards in real life and on the show

Not sure what that means. It says Arnie should have business cards in real life and on the show that say greatest warrior in all of film. And then hand them out whenever you guys are out together. Give one to the waitress at dinner. Talkative cashiers or random people. I know I would smiley face. Feel free to use my name on or off the podcast and please don't die.

Sincerely Pancho Gomez. Hey Ysidor? I could swear Arnie read this email already. Yes Chant, I believe he read that a week before. Yeah I could swear he's read that. Am I? I don't know if, you know, I am exhausted from dealing with Ivan and he's eaten, you know, a lot of stuff around here? I don't know if, you know, I am exhausted from dealing with Ivan and he's eaten, you know, a lot of stuff around here. I don't know if he ate some of my, you know, my memories or something, who knows?

Arnie's memories. Arnie, what's your middle name? Paul. Okay, he's all right. I assume that's correct. Now I have to ask, Arnie, what would you do with a business card? I could hand it out to people, just so that they know who I am. So I have to spend less time saying,

I'm the greatest warrior in all of fame. You know, that sort of thing. I'd let the card speak for it. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, I just had a great idea. What is it? Arnie, you just had an amazing idea. What was this idea?

Tell us, tell us! You must know! We start to call Arnie Paul business. I know, I hate that it's so good too. Two things. Uh, buh-bye. Buh-bye. Uh buh-bye.

Uh buh-bye. I kind of love it, but also at the same time don't think it's a good idea. Then it's settled. We'll get you business cards that say Paul Business. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Ah, a carton full of Paul Business cards. I'm sure some landfill somewhere will find those delicious. Usual the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Ivan the Inventory Imp was played by special guest Oscar Montoya.

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Remember the stories and fables that captured your imagination when you were young? We have a perfect podcast to bring you the stories you remember, remixed and reimagined for the kids in your life today. Wondry and Tinkercast are bringing you a music-filled weekly party hosted by me, DJ Fuge, and my trusty turntable, Baby Scratch, spinning tales in the new kids and family podcast, Once Upon a Beat, where hip hop and fables meet. Hey, grownups, listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on OneG plus.