Hello From The Magic Tavern - Winter Solstice 2023

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Arnie, Chunt and Usidore enjoy the many holiday decorations and traditions of Foon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiInta: Marla CaceresProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandGet tickets for our upcoming live shows at Thalia Hall and SF Sketchfest!Check out the new merch at our Teepublic store!Follow the show on YouTube to listen to the episode alongside two dynamic static animations of the tavern!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello listeners, this is Mike Corey of Against the Odds. You might know that I adventure around the world while recording this podcast. And over the years, I've learned that where I stay when I travel can make all the difference. Airbnb has been my go-to place for finding the perfect accommodations. Because with hotels, you often don't have the luxury of extra space or privacy. Recently, I had a bunch of friends come down to visit in Mexico. We found this large house and the place had a pool, a barbecue, a kitchen, and a great big living room to play cards, watch movies, and just chill out. It honestly made all the difference

in the trip. It felt like we were all roommates again. The next time you're planning a trip, whether it's with friends, family, or yourself, check out Airbnb to find something you won't forget. This podcast is brought to you in part by Audible, presenting Anne of Green Gables. A timeless tale reimagined. Anne of Green Gables is an immersive new adaptation of the beloved Canadian classic. It features an all-star cast, led by Sandra O. as narrator, Catherine O'Hara as Marilla Cuthbert, Victor Garber as Matthew Cuthbert, and Michaela Lushi as Anne Shirley. It's releasing now during the holidays, making it perfect for a family listening moment that transcends generations and celebrates the universal journey of self-discovery and

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between seasons. Naruf is busy getting our hundreds of young together in matching outfits for a family portrait. It's the holiday season and the podcast has a special bonus winter solstice scene for you. For winter solstice, goblins like to do a white elephant, meaning we eat a white elephant. Before we get to the scene, I have some mandatory announcements for you to suffer through. Hello from the Magic Tavern has two live shows coming up.

The first is Chicago on Thursday, January 11th at 8pm at Talia Hall. The second is San Francisco as part of San Francisco Sketchfest on Saturday, February 3rd at 3pm at the Brava Theater with special guest Ron Funches. Tickets are both on sale now. You can find more info and links in the show notes. Next announcement. Hey, are you looking to give yourself a gift this holiday season? Why not sign up for the Hello from the Magic Tevern Patreon?

You get at least two bonus episodes each month, like the most recent Masters of Mayhem episode with special guest Ross Bryant as the Soulwalker. I'm not going to play a clip because I don't know what button to press for that. Also, starting next month, an all-new season of offices and bosses will begin on the Patreon, with Aaron Keefe as Momo and all the episodes. You can learn more about the Patreon and supporting the show at patreon.com forward slash magic tavern. And now here's that holiday scene! Guys, guys, it's snowing! Wow! Well, it is that time of year once again.

Time to get out the gristle, and throw the gristle on the mantle. Mmm, mmm, mmm, I love me some gristle. Guys, put some gristle on my mouth and then open my mouth and catch a sofaistle on the mantle. Mm, mm, mm, mm, I love me some gristle. I put some gristle on my mouth, and they'll open by my head just don't flick up, I tell. Mm, mm, mm. Hey, you know, I know I've been here for many years, but I still don't really understand

Winter Solstice Decorating etiquette. Oh, Arnie, sweetie, Decor etiquette. Ooh, I love that, yes. If you're asking, Dicor etiquette. I'm way hold on. They said Decor etiquette, asking, dick or etiquette. I mean, wait, hold on. They said, dick or etiquette, not dick or etiquette. Oh, okay. Well, tomato, tomato.

Yes, that's less exciting. Well, Arnie, why don't we show you your big glute what we do in terms of decorations? So first things first, as you should or mentioned, we get out some gristle and we put it on the mantle. You gotta get the mantle all greased up for the holidays just in case you know a

Borgwitch what's tries to slide around your chimney and they want you want them to slide right off of there What the fuck was any of that that you just said one of the Borgwitches, you know that they live in the Borgs The Borgwitch you know the witch Borgwitch it's a witch it that live in the Borgs? The Borgwitch. You know the Witch- A Borgwitch? It's a witch? It kind of looks like you. You try to assimilate me? That you're words. A Borgwitch.

I've been foisted on my own Picard. Oh, you want to do a magic trick? Picard. Any card. Oh, okay. Oh, these are hot. These are winter solstice cards, thank you. Oh, let's see which one you got.

Ooh, Arnie, you got the confused stranger. Every 10 years, a confused stranger will go house to house. And what you need to do as the owner of the set house is you need to leave out two things. In a lixer of good fortune and luck, and a lixer of immediate death. Oh boy. Then the confused stranger will choose one of the two and either continue to go into people's houses or, you know, da, da, da, da, da, da. I'm just so glad it's not me anymore. There was a period for about 20 years

where I was the confused stranger. Uh, it is, uh, it's so, I think, I went through that cycle two or three times and now I can't drink that poison anymore. I was going to say I was so confused by all of that. Am I the stranger? Oh, you could be. You could be. The confused stranger doesn't know they're the confused stranger. So that's a little confusing. But one year I forgot I had a hovel and I forgot to leave my front door unlocked to let the confused stranger stumble in. And so I got punished. And of course if you lock your door, what happens

is a confused stranger hates your door with maple syrup. And then birds will start to slam into your door and they stick. I love birds. Yeah, the birds stick right to the door. Oh. Which is unpleasant for the birds, but you can take one or two of them and probably have a nice meal. Yeah, as a carnivore, it's basically candied birds. Oh.

It's squab on the cob, baby. Squab on the cob. Can I just say we're saying some of the best words we've ever said in my, in recent memory? OK. And all because we're practicing very good. Dicoretic. Hmm.

Dacoretic. I was going to say, you know, there are so many holidays around the winter solstice, you know, one of my favorites is Snucklestein, where they go out and they plant a fir tree and new fir trees grow everywhere. Do they have anything like that on Earth, honey? I mean, I guess there's Earth Day. Okay. That's around the winter solstice.

There's this one day of the year when we're like, oh shit, we should probably think about what we're doing to this planet. So it's like when you have company over and like 30 seconds before somebody's about to show up, you're like shit, shit, shit, shit, and you shove everything into the closet. Yeah, exactly. Okay. And we have a food day, but it happens in the summer. And we just kind of celebrate it. We just are like, this place is great. We're killing it.

Yeah. Well, no, hey, that's the thing about Earth Day too. We're also like, we love this planet, we're bo we're killing it. We are killing this planet. Good, all that's great. That's great, congratulations. Yeah, Fune des Al, it's just very chill, very relaxed. Usually you walk around, you try and get out into nature. And it's a lot of giving thumbs up to plants or high-fiving trees.

It's just a lot, it's about reconnecting, kiss a fish. It's just about reconnecting with nature. But this time of year, we plant some fertries. We go outside and we make sure, you know, if there's an old pine cone inside, you want to take your pine cone from the inside and put it outside so that it grows into a fertry. Hmm. Doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard.

Then you can decorate it or however you like. The next year, once it started to grow and over the years, it continues to grow. Putting more and more, or innate decorations upon it. I have a tree that I used to decorate back by my old hovel, and no dog. I don't like to brag. But I haven't been there many years since, you know,

Hog's face was destroyed, but it grew to be over 10 feet tall. And by the time I had finished decorating it, over eighty birds lived in that tree, and each had a garland more magnificent than the last, and each had its own magical spell that that bird would light in the middle of the night, and a fiery crimson rainbow would appear across the sky. Ernie, 80 birds is impressive, but 10 feet for a tree. What do we do?

What do we do? Hey, that's, oh, you sure, that's incredible. Thank you. Oh, Ernie, I almost, ah, silly me, I almost forgot. Let's go ahead and screw your nut sack to the fireplace here. Uh-huh. What's this? Yes, I really forgot.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that sounds bad. What are you talking about? I know what about my nut sack? Arnie, don't you want to get some nuts? Don't you want to get some nuts in the morning? You got to screw your nut sack to the fireplace. Now, this is a newer Funas tradition. It's sort of a corporate thing sponsored by the podcast,

Get Nuts, where we've convinced everyone they should tack their nut sack up to the mantle so that they can get nuts, where we've convinced everyone they should tack their nuts sack up to the mantle so that they can get nuts. That's used to the blue. That's you, that's chunt. Whoa, yo, it's called me, used to do it. I got confused. Used to do it. Are you finally just too old?

Yeah. Wow, asked an answer. That's, let's put that to bed. Should have just asked before. Let's put that to bed and by that, I mean... You should or so, Arnie, this is very important, very important tradition, which is... And this is to encourage community. You should always take someone you're going to celebrate the holidays with, and you need to

tuck them into bed and put them to sleep. So you sort of do you mind being... But not the kind of sleep that you used to get confused about. Yes. When you used to complain about your old dogs. Don't sure Guys just normal sleep. Oh, okay. I just have to clarify this now because like they have some weird thing on earth Where they say they're putting you to sleep and actually kill you that's terrifying So this would be a hundred percent clear because we've made this mistake before we're not euthanizing usador. No be 100% clear because we've made this mistake before. We're not euthanizing usador. No, use, use, useodizing use, you, you,

decadicate. Squab on a cob. Well, Arnie, if you're worried about putting someone to sleep, meaning something else, why don't we, let's head on over here. We're here. Oh, nice crunchy snow. And let's go ahead and take you to the farm, the farm upstate. Oh, that sounds fun. You want to do that? Arnie is that more comfortable? Yeah, more comfortable doing that.

So to be clear, this doesn't mean we're euthanizing eucidorian lying about it to children. Arnie, what is your obsession with euthanizing? Really sick. Sorry, ever since you brought up nailing my nut sack to the mantel, I've just been a little testy. Whoa nailing Arnie screwing. Oh, I never nail a nuts sack. Why do you have to screw it? Because Arnie it's all symbolic. Okay, nails smooth as a whistle, right? But screws have a little slide. Wee that goes all the little guy. What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy?

What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy?

What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy?

What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? What's the guy? Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. He slides down the thread, right? Mm-hmm. And he puts fire on my following. Maybe Arnie doesn't understand the the double entendre here also You know, we're saying screw your nut sack to the mantle and there's there's a there's a sexual there's a sexual undertone Yeah, are you are you picking up on me? Yes, and now Arnie is that a food thing that you're not getting? What are you getting that all I see?

Yes, I think my problem is I get, I'm, look, if I hear any word that can be even vaguely thought of as to be a euphemism or to be dirty, look of course. I have a fine-le-tune brain that's gonna pick that up. Euphagism, but I think I'm trying. I think I'm trying to make it all make some sense together, which it doesn't. Unless you're saying you're gonna fuck the mantle. Now look, there's a tiny little leaf guy. He brings you nuts into your nuts sack that you screw to the mantle. It's as simple as that. I don't know how else we can explain it. Arnie, screw your nuts sack to the sticking place, which would be the mantle.

But when we save the time a little, we, we mean like, I don't know, like, finish the thought. Finish the thought, Arnie. We're not gonna help you. We're not gonna give it to you, because if we keep finishing your sentences, then you're not gonna finish them on your own Arnie you can once you finish your sentence you can go to bed Oh shit, you see this is why guys we've been doing this for you Are you it's this is what your earth education system and the family circus has done to you that is large please daddy

Okay, the leaf is just like, holiday jizz. He got it, he got it and won. Oh, okay. Wow, Arty, welcome. Well, finally. Finally. Because you leaf it everywhere. Yeah, you leaf it everywhere.

Yeah, just like, close. Don't just leave it everywhere. We got it. We got it. Yeah, not everywhere. Just on the mantle. Just after you screw screw leave it on the mantle. Thank you Well, it's a beautiful night out tonight. I see a lot of the owls have put on their their stocking caps Oh with with care. Oh, yes with care. Yeah, like their hair is not messed up. What?

Although guys look at that one owl that one now used a little less care. Who, who? Who are you? Who? Wait, are you asking me? Yeah, who? Which I thought that out. Oh, that owl's gonna get eaten by one of the wolves.

Yeah. Howls and wolves marching together in the snow? What a fun, or what a fun, wolves. Yeah. Howls and wolves marching together in the snow? What a fun, or what a fun, holiday. Yeah. Oh, and as we chow down to Main Street. Oh, wait, that wolf is eating that owl now. Oh crap. Yeah, that makes sense.

That makes sense. A lot of blood. Oh, now that wolf is joking on that hat. Hey, give that hat back to his family. I think that wolf is going to die. I think that wolf is suffocating. He gave a thumbs up, so... Not our Arnie? Sometimes you can't intervene in nature. Let nature take its course. Yeah, you have to know when to step in and when not to.

That's true. And anyway, we should be taking these beautiful sights as we turn here on the main street. We see here the beautiful gollins and the candles and the cranberries hung all about and all the dried fruits and meats that people prepare for the winter meals Oh, and of course there's the reindeer fight club and here we see the lights Enumerating all Sorry, you said are the reindeer fight club is is that reindeer's fighting each other or people paying to fight reindeer. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah reindeer's fight each other and people bet on it actually do you guys mind real quick? And yeah, you can get in on the action too if you want a chunk you're gonna go fight a reindeer. Yeah, once

Hey, go here's one gold which one? This guy the goofy one with the nose. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, reindeer has got a huge boner. Oh, that's boner the reindeer That's a big part of it. You know, there's boner and donor. I Guess it's just a two. There's boner who always has a boner and there's donor who every fight. He's like if I die Dott that that I thought there were a lot more of them. I thought there was Boater and Donor.

Cock and Rock. Oh, there's guest cock and rock. Swong and wrong. Yes. Swong and wrong. There's one just named wrong. Oh, wrong the reindeer. You should hear that song.

Go ahead and sing it, Sean. Which one was this? Wrong the reindeer? Wrong the reindeer? Oh, yes. Well, I'm going to speak sing it okay because I

it's kind of a matter of song I've been fighting here's the thing I guess is it a dick move to come in pay money? punch a reindeer in the face and then start singing songs about other reindeer? wow Arnie boner heard you say is it a dick move and he's coming right at you.

Whoa, he's got some dick moves. Arnie, you're on his back. Go, go. Get him. Get him. Get him. Watch the... Ooh, they're on off.

Good first try, Arnie. Yeah, I didn't know punching, which I probably should have done. And look up in the sky. Ah, a star. A beautiful star brighter than the rest. Mm-hmm. Pretty soon, that star will land here on Foon, and it will be Gorfon, the terrible destroyer from the stars,

that one who appears every eight years to burn down the village he lands in and then he returns to the sky where he orbits around food waiting waiting for his terrible turn. They say he's supposed to be this is mostly going to be happening between seasons so we could have done. Yeah, what are you going to do? They say he subs on space. They say he devours dimensions.

They said he had a herald that would come before him and eventually someone tricked the herald. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, I don't think so. Oh, Arnie, did you have a suggestion to defeat him? Maybe just like a one word suggestion? Dildo.

Huh, that's the one. Okay. All right. We'll make that work somehow. Oh, that's right. Dildo and Reildo. That's a Dildo to the world. Oh, Dildo and Reildo.

So one of them, here's the thing, Arnie. Dildo and Reildo are very confusing, because both have Dildos, but only one of them is Reildo. Only one is Reildo. Only one is Reildo. Did you get that, Arnie? Only one is real though. Oh, they want a real though. Did you get that, honey? Only one is real though. And one always tells the truth and one always lies.

Yeah, you know what? Happy winter solstice. I love both of you. I just want to say I'm so happy to be spending this time with you. But also, I'm going to walk away from you now. I've kind of had enough. And that part. walk away from me now. Oh. I've kind of had enough. Hmm. So, here we go.

All right, keep it up, guys. Big holiday hug. Big holiday hug. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Oh, I am so thankful for both of you. I love you. I love you more than anyone in all food,

and I'm also gonna walk away from you. We love you too, Arnie. And we'll be thinking of you in season five, coming up very soon, and we'll also thinking of you in Season 5 coming up very soon, and we'll also be thinking we've had enough of you. He gorges on galaxies. Oh, no, here comes bastard and bastard. Happy winter solstice, John. Happy winter solstice, Yusudor. And happy holidays to all of our listeners wherever you may be in time and space. Never did hear that song! There was a reindeer

Who couldn't stand the pain deer Oh! Duh, duh, duh. It's a good one. The holidays usually include hours on planes, cars, trains, flying baby next to you, put on those noise-counseling headphones. Mom and dad arguing about directions in the car, AirPods in. No matter how you listen, we have the perfect headphones on distraction. A new season of the critically acclaimed Dr. Death Podcast is back with a story of miraculous

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