Hello From The Magic Tavern - Winter Solstice Bonus 2024

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

Arnie. Chunt and Usidore enjoy some winter solstice snowfall and learn more about Glassy the Kill Man. For the holidays!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampUsidore: Matt YoungChunt: Adal RifaiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adal RifaiAssociate Producer: Anna HavermannPost-Production Coordination: Garrett SchultzEditor: Garrett SchultzMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanTheme Music: Andy PolandGet tickets to SF Sketchfest here!New T-Shirts in the Merch Store!You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on X, Instagram and YouTube!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The snow is drifting, the candy is being caned, and it's that time of year where we try to cram all the slipshod storytelling and myriad narrative red flags into a single scene. It's like the Wonka Everlasting Gobstopper, but just gravy. So sit back and enjoy the... scene. Chunt! Chunt! Usador! Look! It's snowing outside. Oh wow. What are you doing? What are you doing? Shut your mouth. You don't want to catch those on your tongue. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Snow and Foon is Little Shards of Glass?

Of course it is. Yes, everyone knows. Err sense the curse of Glassy the Killman. Glassy the Killman. That's all I have. What, that's it? That's the whole song? Yeah.

Oh, it's more of a lyric. Arnie, do you know about Glassy the Killman? Have we told you before? I remember maybe back in season one, I heard that a little bit about Glassy the Killman. That Snow has made a glass, and that someone made a, like a snowman and put something on him like magical armor? That's right, and he came to life. And since then, he's roamed up throughout Foon, killing children until he melts. And then every year, he rises again

once there's enough snow to form him fully. Oh, yeah. But we're not kids. Or does he ever sometimes make exception for people who make choices like their children? If you're a child at heart you might get stabbed but not killed Now the only way to defeat him of course is to remove his rutabaga nose And already that's a huge part of why he kills kids is

See kids always fuck around in the snow glass and they're always like rolling up the snow into big snowballs glass balls yeah, and so they built they built this snowman glass man and they're like wouldn't be fucking funny and kids are they were just fucking around and they're like wouldn't be funny if his nose is like a rutabaga right so they went to like a neighboring farm and pick like the ugliest rutabaga and just jammed it in the face right and then the weirdest part of that story is they were already on a farm who was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm

and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and

he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he was on a farm and he question might seem completely random, but does Classy the Killman smoke anything? Arnie, there are no random questions, but there are dumb ones. Of course he smokes.

He smokes corn. Now, what he does is he'll get, you know, 40, 50 bushels. He'll put it in a smoke shed. He's trying to impart like a hickory flavor, because I don't know if you've ever had creamed corn with like a hickory, it I don't know if you've ever had cream corn with like a hickory it's like a smoky flavor it's so good smokey corn yeah yes put a little aole on that it is unbelievably good so he does have sort of refined tastes a little paprika mmm yes yes yes yes yeah he smokes things he cures some things. A lot of illnesses. Oh, he's also a doctor. Yeah.

Oh, did we not say? I thought it was implied. Yeah, of course. Between killing children, he went to Glass Medical School and he learned all the medical arts for other Glass people. The tragedy is, he's the only one. Yeah. He used to be dr. Glassy the doctor kill man yeah, but they took away his doctorate when he started killing all these kids Hmm does he ever say something like please my name is dr. Glass don't call me mr. Glass mr. Glass is my father Samuel L. Jackson Well, I know his his father is Philip Glass

Samuel L. Jackson. Well, I know his his father is Philip Glass. Yeah. Beautiful music when he kills kids. OK. So glassy the kill man kills kids and then heals adults. Does he also heal kids? Yes. Oh, of course. He doesn't just go on a killing spree and then not clean up his mess as it were. Yeah. He'll heal kids.

Sometimes if a kid is like hanging on to the edge of a cliff glass He'll come up has boots on puts the heel right in their fucking forehead. Oh He'll heal him. Yeah, yeah, what were you asking? I'm in like medically heal. Oh, oh goddesses No, okay. Sounds like a monster sounds like a real monster. I've got I'm just gonna say it. He's literally a monster Well, he's a seasonal delight as well. You can be I mean we all contain multitudes. That's true Well, I mean, I guess his song is pretty catchy. How did that go again Chunt? glassy the kill man Yeah, and sometimes the kids sometimes you get there's something will happen in town and the kids will be like glassy glassy

Right because they think in their in their head. They're like surely Surely a doctor will help me no no no he's out to kill yeah Yes, and when they call for glassy they they all they all run to the edge of the town to the old well They hope that he's trapped there at the bottom of the well, but he never is. He just starts murdering them. And we've gone through probably four or five glassies because glassmen die pretty quick. Oh, so it's not the same glassy. Well, do you know about glassiers?

Glass years? Glass years. Glass years. So every I don't know how to phrase this. Well for you arnie i'll say every human year Every year for you arnie that goes by Is a year and a day for a glassman

so it's It's pretty wild. They age rapidly. I mean twice as fast but not you know Oh, wait, no, not twice as fast but not you know, oh wait, no not twice as fast How long is a year again, I don't need a gift this year Arnie you've already given it to me Okay, I have an unrelated question Who's Parson Brown? Who's Parson Brown? Yeah, I Keep hearing about Parson Brown in relation to glassy the killman or something that sounds like Parson Brown Parson Brown Oh Parson Brown. You mean the kid with a ton of hair on his head who always kicks the ball

I hate Parson Brown. He has one vertical stripe down the middle of his shirt I think Parson Brown isn't that kid that's been through so much tragedy but, and doesn't deal with it well, but it's still kind of a good grief. All grief is good if you learn something from it. And that'll be five gold, aren't he? Rest my hands on my makeshift lemonade stand. Wish Parson Brown's dog would mind his own business.

He's really snoopy, he really kind of snoops around and... Yeah. Yeah. Nosey dog. Town gossip even. Yeah. Schroeder. Whoa! Oh, sorry. I'll... let me... I'll put my legs one over the other here. Let me cross my legs. Sorry that showed. Didn't mean to.

My Schroeder was out. Arnie, does Earth have any sort of like like any sort of holiday, you know mascots or Oh, yeah characters. Oh my goodness gracious on earth, you know all the holidays have sort of Wacky mascots. Well Chunti told us about some of them. There's uh, let's see. There's beetle juice. Oh, yeah Don't keep saying it it there's nacho libre uh there's um kung fu panda carrot top there's carrot top arnie you said every year carrot top will give you a gift and then take it back and hold it and within 10 seconds be like

doesn't this kind of look like this, and then do something with that gift. Yeah. Anyone else? Oh, anyone else on Earth? I mean, those are the most important ones. You know, this is funny, you're not gonna believe this, but on Earth, there is something kind of, like a little bit similar to Glassy the Kill Man,

called Frosty the Snowman. And he's made of glass. Yeah, you said snowman So glad well technically no, I mean on earth snow isn't glass snow. What is it then? It's What is it if I do you lying if I said I fully understood what it is Arnie? What is snow inform us? Or a muss? Chunt, you've given me a gift. Normally wouldn't say this, but you've given me a gift. I'll still take a gift from both of you. Ooh.

Yeah, he's, Ysidor is harder to shop for. Yes, what do you get for the wizard who can produce anything? That's true. Yeah, he can just magic himself anything. But on Earthy, he's a friendly, like, Frosty the snowman doesn't kill anybody as far as I know And he just sort of like walks around going thumpity thump thumb. Oh He's like a rabbit. He's like a bunny or a rabbit. No although. He doesn't have a carrot for a nose

Carrot so this carrot top and top and sauce is a sexual creature. It's thumping with this carrot. He's a being of pure sexual energy. Yeah, maybe. Like you said Helen Mirren is? Oh yeah. Oh yes. Arnie, your tongue.

Sorry. You're gonna reach your chest like that. Let me pull that back in. Arnie, um. a listeners any chance out there how Mirren is the listener just we'd love to hear from you at Magic Tavern at puppies that supplies it's a really email address and if you're Helen Mirren you can email me personally at gmail.com Wow that's bleep that out yeah bleep out Helen Mirren

Now Ernie you said this frosty Man of not glass, I guess you said he's like a sweet guy cheerful so frosty is like sort of a like when you see a gnome that's like one foot tall and he's called like Biggs it's that kind of thing. So I mean no frosty. It's's not emotionally frosty. If anything, he's probably a little too available. He's cold because he's made of snow. Like, it's cold, it's like ice. So he doesn't kill anyone, he's just sort of thirsty, and he's thumping around. It doesn't sound like there's much of a story there.

Not much to hang your hat on. Although, to be fair, I can't say definitively that Frosty has never killed anyone. Like, I'm sure there have been instances of people like trying to make a snowman or something where there was a horrible accident and they got buried in snow and just sort of died of hypothermia. Now have you personally met Frosty? No. No. Wait, Arnie, no? You once told me when you were, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, focused on the fact that it's holiday season. And I'm here with my two best buds. Just praying to the goddesses above that we don't get murdered by Glassy the Killman. Yes, happy winter solstice to you both. I'm not particularly worried about Glassy. I mean, I've met him. I don't think he's much danger to us.

I think we could easily remove that rutabaga. Plus he only lives for like, not very long. What was it like when you met him? Do you know when you meet someone who you've heard a lot about and sometimes you feel like you don't know what you're gonna say, and you're kind of waiting your turn to say hello,

this was at a charity event. And I got up to the front of the line and I said- Wait, there's a charity event. Oh, yeah. Where where you could go to this charity event and meet a known child killer. Well, hold on, Arnie. You've not heard of former doctors without borders. Now, if you're a doctor and you have your license stripped from you, you can go anywhere. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. You're lawless.

So we're trying to raise money for former Doctors Without Borders, and I was waiting in line, and I'm thinking, what am I gonna say to Glassy the Killman? I get to the front of the line, and I just kind of blurted out, killed any kids? Oh, the one thing.

I know, I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh, awkward. And he kind of went, yeah, you know, he kind of like shrugged, and then he died. Oh, then Glassy died went Yeah, yeah, you know, he kind of like shrugged and then he then he died Oh then then glassy died. Yeah, he died right at the moment and he was gonna die Yeah, and I reminded him right before his death of his horrible ghastly crimes So I feel pretty good about that. We raised a lot of money that night though And remind me the money is to help catch these former doctors that you also have in

attendance there or it's to pay for the food at the event? You should just use the event as a trap. Huh. I didn't even think about it. Oh yeah, like a sting operation. Like you say, why are you here? And they're like, well, I'm here to kill kids. And you're like, busted.

Yes. But here's the thing. If you set up an elaborate trap at this charity event, don't tell the people that sell merch. Why not? Because they'll tell Classy the Kill Man. They'll be way too trusting and they'll explain the whole sting operation.

You know, you try to put your net out to catch someone and you got your heart on your sleeve. You can't be a heart net. Mmm. And Ysidor, I'm still waiting for a gift from you. Damn it! I thought that would be enough. Guys, I love you so much.

As we head back to the tavern, um, what's that? There sort of seems to be a shape hovering by the door. Oh yeah, it's sort of like, I want to say three orbs stacked on top of each other, the top being the largest and then going smallest downward sort of an apple shape, I guess. Yeah, so either just like a big headed small bodied person or someone standing doing a handstand Seems a bit reflective Could be made of I don't know mirrors or

Yeah, some sort of shiny crystals. Maybe yeah, this reminds me of something I can't quite put my finger on it me neither you sir Do you want to have you ever cast detect magic? Or detect traps or whatever? Oh yeah, it's one of my favorites. Can you... Do you wanna do that now? Where you at, magic?

Where you at? Oh, that creature is magical. I mean, that's a lot of stuff in film. Yes, but that one. The tech magic is kind of a bullshit spell in this world, if you ask me. Shut up, shut up. I think, I think Serendipity has come to visit us and right behind her

Hi, Sarah. Is glassy the kill man. Sarah, can you move? Miss Dippendy, can you move please? Okay. Hi, Sarah. Is glassy to kill man? Sarah, can you move? Miss Dippity? Can you move please? Okay. There he is. I can't believe we put the address of this tavern in a book.

If Sarah and Dippity could find it, then we would be reunited. That happened. We put the address in a book. We should probably beep that out. Hi. Hi, glassy. Hi. Kill any kids? Fuck. Hi. Hi, glassy. Hi. Kill any kids?

Fuck, fuck. Oh great, he killed him. Oh, he's coming. Do we think that was a coincidence? Or does that kill him? Well, I mean, when you're confronted with the terrible crimes you've committed, it doesn't really, you know,

it's not a thing you really wanna confront. And if you're made of glass already, you know, house of cards. But he also confronts it in such a nonchalant way where he's like, yeah, yeah, and then dead. No, I feel like it was pretty chalant, Arnie. Pretty chalant. Pretty chalant. Pretty chalant.

Pretty chalant. Ooh, Arnie, have we ever told you about... What are you guys doing for New Year's? Sarah, you scared the shit out of me. I thought you were glassy. What are we doing for New Year's? We are, Arnie, what are we doing for New Year's? Like a Patreon episode or?

I don't have any plans. I think we're gonna take it off. Okay. We're taking it off, baby, woo! You are getting cut up so much by this snow. Yeah, ow, ow, ow, ow, Arnie, how are you not, ow, how are you not getting a single piece on you? I just, I move so fast.

I just weave between the snowdrops. Also use it or put a non-glass spell on me. That's right. Oh, hold, Sarah's holding a piece of Kistletoe. Also use it or put a non glass spell on me. That's right. Oh Sarah's holding a piece of kissel toe. I think she I think she's looking for some kiss on you Whose toe is that? Mine you cut off your toes. So we kiss you. Yeah Arnie I don't like to say this but the serendipity is a little bit off. Yeah, okay. Guys, why don't we, let's get into the tavern and let's have some drinks and let's enjoy the holiday season.

And listeners, we love you and we'll catch up with you again soon. Sounds good. I'll get rid of Sarah. Hey Sarah, we're coming in for drinks. You want to join? I can't go through that door. Oh, cause like a restraining order or? No, because what would happen if

I go through the door and then what if I stayed on this side of the door it's like a sliding door situation sliding doors you mean opening doors that's what I meant oh look she's wait no she's sliding down a hill on a door horny I gotta tell you that is she's she is a wild one. Kind of fun though. I guess so. It seems quirky at first. Yeah. Happy winter solstice to one and all. Whoa, Usador, your robes turned red with white trim. Well, sometimes during the holiday season, my robes turn a crimson red, and I fly around giving gifts out to all the little children who happen to live. Whoa, your bag of holding grew so large.

That's right. Here's a gift for you, Arnie. And a gift for you, Chunt. How to read books. A book called How to Read Books. Yeah, well, you know, I love a great guide gift. Arnie? Mine's a book that says how to receive gifts. No, thank you. And you sir, we didn't forget you you Arnie and I chipped in our monthly

salaries for the last Like a week and a half or something. I guess it was a month We each chipped in we got you something here you go bring in the big box with the four legs booking up Is it two cats on the hind legs You know it, baby! Oh! Just what I wanted! And finally, I'd like to give a gift

to the editors of this podcast. We promised them we would keep this bonus scene to 12 to 15 minutes, and we definitely have already blown past that. But just so they have a little less work to do this Holler Day season. I'm going to say Good night, Chunt. Good night, Usador. Good night listeners. I love most of you. Oh

Good night, Serendipity. Oh look Serendipity is playing a full 18 head drum set Just a little gift to the editors and as a gift to our editors I'm going to cast a magical spell that makes all the sounds in these last seconds of this episode not sound like anything. But if there's no sound effects, what do we sound like? Whoa, Yuser sounds weird. Yeah, sounds like Dave Foley. Oh, it's like seeing him with no beard. Ooh. ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"]

["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] ["The Magic Tavern Pager Theme"] And yet, I'm still left doing the credits,

so I guess not every holiday wish came true. You as an Other Wizard was played by Matt Young. Jump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon. Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode

from the new season of Shadow City with Anthony Burch. We've known you your whole life. I mean, you don't know when that film was taken. It was a while back, so it could have been months. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. Well, maybe we should help you reconcile with your father. I'm sure if you just talk to him and just open up to that dialogue, he'd love to, you know, form a relationship with you.

So Smarty Pants says, I've actually got a better idea. Since you seem to, bizarrely enough, be so stupid that I cannot penetrate your feeble minds, I'll hand things over to a more professional interrogator. And he leaves. And a person comes in wearing an all maroon suit with a mask that like covers their eyes completely with no eye holes and he has a symbol on his chest that says TD and he

sits down in a chair across from you goes I'm truth or daredevil to hear the rest of that and learn more about supporting the show visit patreon.com slash magic Tavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young and Abel Rafai. Post production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Haverman. This bonus scene edited by Garrett Schultz. Dusting off the old editing skills after his years long hibernation.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Allard Laban. Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland. Next week we'll have an unlocked Patreon episode on the main feed, and dare I say it is our one Patreon episode that meets my high standards of quality. Basically I answer a bunch of your questions. Then, fully rested and ready to disappoint, we'll be back with a new episode on January 6th. Yes, now a date with an unfortunate association, Arnie's birthday. Begin your mental preparations now. Farewell! In a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother.

But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her. And she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is the Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses and specific instructions for people's murders. This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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