Hey Riddle Riddle - Patreon Preview #319: The Penguin Baseball Fan Experience

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

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Oh wait, Dad, I forgot my glove. Somewhere in the trunk. Let me grab it. God damn it! Dad, what? Hold on. Sorry. No. I... It's just everything's gone wrong today and... your glove's not in the back. Oh no. Yeah. How am I gonna catch the egg? Well, the ball's the egg. Um, yeah, I don't know.

I mean, maybe you'll catch it, maybe it'll crack. Either way, if it comes at you, I don't want you covered in yolk to get all over the cov- I left your glove. Look, Luke, I'm sorry buddy. Your dad's had a pretty awful day, and I just wanted this to be, you know, we only get one weekend a month because that's as much as I want to see you and I, uh, God, I just wanted this day to be perfect and I, I know I left your glove back at my apartment and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't pack it. That's okay.

You're probably playing penguin baseball in your backyard, huh, dad? You're the biggest penguin baseball fan there ever was. playing still see the game unless you don't want to see the game you want to go maybe to the casino dad you know legally allowed us to go to the casino anymore you're definitely not allowed to bring me a kid I can't help you run those deals anymore or cheat those games yeah you're right we shouldn't go to the casino even if I did find one that doesn't know about my lifetime ban from all casinos and I maybe forgot your glove because I packed a little butler outfit and I was gonna tell everyone that you're just like a butler with the Benjamin Button disease which is why you're small and it doesn't

matter. You tried that one before and it went so well and then you went to jail. First of all I didn't go to jail Luke I went to prison. It's way worse. Yeah it's way worse. It's terrible. I don't wish it on anyone. If I could just make enough, it doesn't matter, Penguin Baseball, you know what, we're here, let's, hey, the crack of the egg. Do they hit the egg? I guess the ball is the egg, so they must hit the egg. Yeah, the crack of the egg, yeah. I guess we never really thought about that. It cracks every time. Does it crack every time? Then how do they do the baseball part of it if it cracks?

Is it fragments of eggs? Do you have to have the full egg thrown from base to base? We're asking all these questions, Luke. Hey, look. Look where we are, huh, buddy? Look, Penguin Baseball, huh? This is where they play it for real. I've only ever seen it on those TVs.

Yeah, those TVs that we go to see when we go to a Best Buy because I can't have a TV in my house. You're not legally allowed. Unless we go to an OTB because they have TVs and OTBs as well, which we could hit up. Is that Buffalo Wild Wings? Dad, I'm not so good at letters. No, that's a BW3.

It doesn't matter, Luke. This day's about you and you only get one a month and you only get a couple of hours You know per on the actual day. Hey dad. Hey be proud of me if I catch the egg Maybe on the jumbotron. Maybe they'll show a dad and a son Watching penguin baseball together catching the egg, huh? Well, uh If they show you on the screen, I'll be proud if they show me on the screen I will duck down real fast because I just can't have a photographic record of where I am right now.

Because, buddy, I'm not supposed to be here. I know, dad. I know. I'm supposed to be dead, drunk, in a ditch, dead somewhere. Yeah, dead, drunk, in a ditch, dead somewhere. Dad, dead, drunk, in a ditch dead somewhere. Yeah, dead drunk in a ditch dead somewhere. Dad dead drunk in a ditch somewhere. But you know, I'm lucky I'm living my second life, Luke.

And I just want to give you one good day, because you may never see me again after today. Yeah. And Dad, last time I said this, you took off running. But I think I'll risk it and I'll say it one more time. I love you dad. Oh slammed right into a car. Oh shouldn't have run in a full parking lot. Hey buddy I hear it. I hear that you know. Loud and clear. Message received. You're running away. Penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins,

penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, penguins, Penguins, penguins, penguins, Penguins, Penguins, Penguins, the league let birds in, don't get me started, don't get me started, don't get me started. Well, penguins, penguins are birds, right? Yeah, yeah, but they don't fly. And so I'm sort of a, I was one of those penguin purists,

but that's not what this is about. It's penguin baseball season, we're grilling, we're in the, we're tailgating, we're having fun, boys. Yeah, cause chickens play now, right? Yeah, anyone can play now, it seems like. Birds, roosters, chickens, peacocks, they got a whole flock of idiots over there. Those are all birds.

Yeah, they, yeah. Yeah, you said birds and you listed like four specific birds, but all birds can play. Yeah, all birds, all birds. Can we do a burger? Not the shoes. Did you say a bird-ger? I said bird-ger.

Are we still doing? Yeah, we can't do bird-gers anymore because it's offensive. No burgers? Because birds can play in the league now. Ugh. So wait, I can't do a burger. What am I supposed to order?

You had a hot dog. I guess I could try that. You got hot dog and hamburgers. It's disgusting. Hamburgers? No. Do we have chips? Maybe I'll just eat chips.

Yeah, we got loose chips. I heard a rumor that during spring training, sorry, spring chicken training, one of the chickens got their head cut off, and they're still playing. Yeah, I think that's the whole New Orleans Night Owls, is a bunch of chickens with their head cut off. Am I right, fellas? Eh, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

You know what? The game might have changed, but it's still Penguin Baseball. The egg is still the ball. Egg is the ball. We're out here, it's springtime. I'm with, you know, camaraderie. Fellow Forgers fans, we're all Pigeon Forger Forgers fans. I'm sorry, so what?

I can tell you're wearing the Forgers merch. We all want- No, this is, this is Forged merch. Huh? Yeah, this is Bootleg Shrimp Shredders merch. Spit up those chips. I only feed fellow Forger fans. Are you hearing this, Ed?

Yeah, I mean, for a hot dog, I'll be a Forger fan. What? Yeah, I'm a Forger fan. Ed! I want a fucking hot dog. Don't tell me you're Shrimp Shredders fans. Don't come over to my truck. Drink my beer. Watch those tongs. Eat my chips. The chips! The chips! I'm gonna take these tongs, reach down your throat, pull out the chips. Holy shit!

Give me back those chips. This is for Forger fans only! We're Casey Tony loyalists in this part of the parking lot. Some of those chips look older than today. Yeah, some of those chips I bought with my own money, give them back! Yeah, I'll take your chips and I'll take whatever else I can get from your stomach filled with shrimp, you freaking shrimp shredders you forges fans are all the same You know what? I hope the shredders fucking crush you today. Oh you do yeah Fuck you family and piss on this guy's table, okay?

I don't already have piss on my table. I'm a wait. Don't talk don't talk. I can't pee one. Okay? Already have piss on my table. I'm a wait. Don't talk don't talk. I can't pee one. Okay Your coward friend can't even pee on command. No, no, no, just give me a second. Give me a second. He can't Me Concentrate a lot of peer you crazy. Don't look just if you do though. It's really good like it's a really he does really good piece He has a super full bladder. Okay Don't look at me, but hold my penis don't look at you.. I'm not going, well I'm not on your side for this. I don't want you to pee on my table. Water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water.

You know what, beat you two up. Punch, punch, kick, punch, kick. Blah, blah, blah, tongs, tongs, tongs. Blah, blah, blah, tongs, tongs, tongs. More chips, more chips. Punch. Look at all of these penguins. These birds are playing again.

And once these birds are playing again Okay, so what's gonna happen is, um, you know, this is New Orleans. And so what the night owls have is a gumbo-tron. It's like a jumbo-tron, but what you're gonna do is zoom in on people who have a bread bowl of gumbo and you're gonna put them side by side with maybe like a celebrity they look like or something. Am I picking the celebrities or? Yep so you're just gonna look at someone you're gonna judge them superficially as quick as possible. It doesn't matter if they're insulted or No, Mike should not be the one to do this. He thinks everybody looks like Ed O'Neill.

He thinks everybody looks like Ed O'Neill he thinks everybody looks like Ed O'Neill. Even myself I've been probably three or four times a day I'm told I loved you on married with children. Yeah and it's not only Ed O'Neill some people look like Darren Criss. Those are not the only two celebrities. No actually that's sort of like Apple pear body shapes there's an Ed O'Neill and all men are either Ed O'Neill or Darren Criss. So wait, so what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to find someone in the audience

who looks like either Ed O'Neill or Darren Criss. This is what I'm saying. They have to be eating gumbo and then I make fun of their name or do I say that they are Darren Criss? You don't say anything. See this is why I'm the right person for the job. I was listening, I understand what you're saying.

I find someone in the crowd who's eating gumbo on the Gumbo-tron. Claire. Right? Claire. Okay, and then I pick what celebrity they may look like. If they look like Ed O'Neill or Darren Chris, I will put those two.

But I bet you that will be a rare occasion. Nobody looks like both Ed O'Neill and Darren Chris unless it's a way older Darren Chris or a well younger at O'Neill are you are you saying JK Simmons is the space between Darren Chris and O'Neill 50% Darren Chris 50% at O'Neill and you have whiplashes on Jay Casey. I'm actually having a hard time arguing with that. One, two, three, four, Hey Riddle Riddle's Clue Crew. Listen to the rest of the episode now

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