History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 117 - Napoleon was a SQUEAK!

Episode Date: February 2, 2020

The Cuzzies gear up for Valentines Day by getting into the French squeak Napoleons romance and correspondence with his lover Josephine! Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH Clips

Hey, yo! I like that we both got our wardrobe jackets on. Yeah. We look like we're about to shoot a teleprompter scene. Yeah. And these are wardrobe jackets. These are wardrobe jackets. Yeah. These are both black guy jackets.

You received that from wardrobe? No, but it looks like we're, you know, it's like when wardrobe puts a jacket on your t-shirt wardrobe jackets. Yeah. I got. Yeah. These are both black guy jackets. You receive that from wardrobe? No, but it looks like where, you know, it's like when wardrobe puts a jacket on your T-shirt. Yeah. Yeah. That looks like a wardrobe jacket. This is a wardrobe jacket. Yeah. Did you get it from wardrobe?

I didn't. Let's just start. Let's just go. Are we going? Who cares about the music? No, we don't even need the music. Do we? We always have to have the music.

We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Sometimes I like when we just start talking. Yeah. And it's like, has the podcast even started yet it probably has it probably has it to stop and listen to the dumb hyena cackles let's just put them on right now in post while we're talking yeah i don't think that we need to think about should we have the cackles should we not i think we can do whatever we want because like are we here are we not does anyone know anything it's probably two just for this episode out of respect for the passing of the great Kobe Bryant. Wow, that was a hard left turn.

I didn't know. You've got to prepare me. No cackles. No cackles. Let's do that. Do you want to do a moment of silence for Kobe? I want to do a moment of silence for Ari Shaffir's career. Okay, so what do you think?

After the tweet. I'm just kidding, Ari. But what can you do? What can you do? The feuds between them and now Yabunika, it gets wild because the truth is this. Let me be honest with what the truth is for it all. Yeah. Nobody cares about any of it.

Yeah. Kobe died. He's a legend. He's one of the most famous men in history. Everybody else just tweeting and yelling and bringing all the – who cares about – you're just trying to bring it about you. Yeah. Tweeting and yelling and bringing all the – who cares about – you're just trying to bring it about you. It's the same people who post selfies of themselves with Kobe Bryant or videos of themselves with Kobe Bryant and then some drawn-out message. You're just asking to be more likes about you. Yeah.

That morning is disgraceful to me. You post a picture, if you want, of him and his little girl, fine, and a message. Pay tribute. Hug your daughter. Anything else, the selfie with you, with Kobe. Kobe did this for me. Kobe did that. Whatever.

Go fuck yourself, okay? I got a picture with Kobe, too. It's not appropriate. Yeah. Okay? The guy died. He died and his family died. You want to get more likes about you and your bullshit?

Fuck you. I hate it all. I hate those people that do that. But, you know, I'm also just mad because I got high blood pressure. No, well, you know. Am I wrong? I might be wrong. I just think that you're good for the economy of the state of Idaho. Because they make potatoes, and you

want to take those potatoes and mash them up and put them on people's faces. I've had enough of that. And you know what else I'm mad at? Because I don't know if this story got overlooked in the news, because obviously when Kobe passed away, Valva, Michael, the NYPD officer Valva. Because you're coming out swinging steel pipe.

You're coming out swinging in Chris Tucker's jacket. I like it. Yeah, that's what it is, okay? It's rush hour, okay? And I'm wearing Chris Tucker's jacket, but I got, but I fucking. It's a nice green coat. You look like Eddie Murphy in Boomerang. Yeah, it's just what it is.

Yeah. I got Chris Tucker's jacket, and I just – You've had enough of who? I've had enough of – no, the guy, his last name is Valva. I forgot what his first name is. Michael or something. Yeah, Michael Valva. He's an NYPD officer who last week let his child with autism freeze to death in the garage.

Now, here's the thing, okay? Here's the thing, right? And, of course, he pleads not guilty. I got two questions for you because you're a smart guy. You know what's going on. One, why do my tax dollars now have to pay for this guy to spend the rest of his life in jail? Why do I have to? Why do I have to go to work? Why did my mother have to go to

work to pay tax dollars? Forget about the people on welfare. I'm not talking about that. Because that was just a callback joke. At what point in her career, the last 20 years before that when she was driving up to putnam county it was just driving up to putnam county yeah i'm kidding that she shouldn't have to drive up to putnam county and pay tax why do upstanding american citizens have to pay tax dollars to keep this guy alive in jail and have him eat sandwiches and read books and whatever religion he's going to convert into why why do we have to pay for that that's one two is there is there a happy medium where how now – because here's what happened.

This kid was killed. If you don't know, I think Thomas Valva was a 10-year-old boy, right? Nine or 10-year-old. Eight-year-old boy with autism, kept in a freezing garage, urine-soaked clothes, froze to death. And this is – the child abuse goes back for months, probably years with him. Children with autism, I used to work with them when I was a pediatric physical therapist. froze to death and this is the child abuse goes back for months probably years with him children with autism i used to work with them when i was a pediatric physical therapist so i i know it's very hard for parents to deal with that right but it's like you know you have a child with a disability

if you can't take it then give the child up there's parents that want the one child but here's my here's here's what i want to say if so so with all the trends now with fashion coming back vintage everybody wants to have listen to vintage music. Everything's been done. Why can't we bring back vintage punishments? Why can't it be like eye for an eye? So he wanted to let his child, his defenseless child freeze to death and urine so close. Why can't we like Bear Grylls gets dropped from a helicopter?

Why can't we drop him off in Antarctica or some some northern part of Canada? We'll throw piss filled water balloons at him let him cover him in piss and just leave him there no human's got to press a button we don't have to kill him it's just the elements let God do what he wants because if he's allowed to live now

and eat sandwiches it's a big problem for me what's a big problem for me is trying to listen to you because you're trying to be earnest, but you can't wipe a smile off your face. And also, Zach is just – he's combing his goatee with a hair pick. Yeah. So I can't see that and listen to you and then look at Mike knowing that Mike may have forgotten his asthma pump. Yeah.

And Benetia, all she's thinking about is when we're going to read the sponsors. Yeah. I got a lot going on in my, all she's thinking about is when we're going to read the sponsors. Yeah. I got a lot going on in my head right now that I'm trying to hold together because I don't, I don't know what Chrissy this is. And the kid Andrew in the corner just wants, wants us to take our shirts off. Cause that's,

he likes that type of comedy. He likes that type of comedy. When people get naked. And I just found out that he also is a comic. So it just doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters. I don't know what's going on today. I just think you're in a weird mood.

Cause I shaved and that puts you in a bad mood. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You shaved. No, I'm just in a bad mood because I kid Valva pissed me off. Yeah. And all the posts of – it's just the degree of narcissism in this business is just a little disgusting to me. Well, you know, we chose to get into it. But let's be honest.

Anytime you can get Yamanika Cohen, I mean, she's a mental illness lawnmower. Once you can pull that string and let that go, that is a lot of entertainment there. It's fun. She's pissed. She's ready. Her and Ari are friends, so who knows what's going to happen with that. But yeah, I agree

with you 100% about what happened with this kid, Vulva. I think the answer to your question would be that doing that would be doing exactly what he did to his kid. So people who are against doing those horrible things that you're...

I like to call people like you Democrats. Yeah. People want to keep it civilized so it becomes a civilized country because it's a slippery slope. It's one of those things that's a slippery slope. But why does he get to stay a lot? I don't understand what, like— Because Venetia said it's easier to die.

It's easier to die. It's easier to die. It's the easy way out. It's the easy way out. I like where you knew that you said last night. Yeah. Can we name him or something like that? He said to put everybody on an island.

Put an exile somebody on an island. Yeah. Yeah. Put everybody on an island. Put an exile somebody on an island. Yeah. Yeah. Put them on an island. Which is what our guest Napoleon today about Napoleon. He was big on that. He got exiled himself.

He got exiled. We had the idea to put them on the island. And then actually the only infrastructure that keeps them on the island is guys keeping them on the island, not on the island. Right. So it's just Lord of the Flies on the island. So maybe we could put him on that thing. That's a better idea. Put him on a little floaty. Yeah.

Like one of those man-made islands in Dubai. And just keep him on there with guys with guns. Yeah. And let him have at it. Okay, so that's what we'll do then. Yeah. So that's the new plan. That's what you would do if you were emperor.

If I was emperor, yeah. You know what I would do if I was emperor? Yeah. You'd smell their feet. Yeah, the guys are getting killed horribly. The women and anything that looks like a woman is getting plucked off the line. It's what it is. And taken to my basement.

Yeah. So I just want to say one more time, I'm so sorry to hear about Kobe and his family and everybody, Kobe and his daughter and the rest of the families that were killed in the accident. But I don't care about the comedian's feud at all. So if you're any, and the only reason I bring it up is because a lot of fans have messaged my account, your account, this or any of his account, asking us to stand up for this person,

to stand up for that person. The truth is I don't give a fuck. It's got nothing to do with them. It's just all about their egos. I don't care at all. A legend died, and then you just move on. You know, what can you do? I don't care.

My thoughts on it are as follows. Horrible, horrible tragedy, especially all the other people who were on the helicopter with him. Absolutely horrible tragedy. The joke that was made, because we're comedians, I'll comment on it. I think actually it's a good example

of what an offensive joke would look like. I think it's appropriate for a joke about a tragic death to be offensive. I think it kind of, that, it makes sense. Like if I was in network, I would, I would rather censor a joke about a rapper getting murdered or a basketball player, you know, dying in a tragic helicopter crash with his daughter than a joke where somebody says the word tranny if the context is trying to be funny. So it is an offensive joke because this person has friends, family. He's adored people that love him.

There was a little girl that died. It was a tragic death. Two little girls. Yeah. I mean, there was the thing that happened in his past. Who knows what happened in that room? You know what I mean? It wasn't like it wasn't like

a overwhelming evidence uh case one way or the other uh it looks like it doesn't look good for him but it doesn't look horrible you know she uh if you know all the details of that case you can't say it was like a slam dunk you know rape case so it was like they were hooking up it was one of those things he's a celebrity it doesn't sound good. It could have been. I'm not saying it wasn't. But even if it was, that has nothing to do with the other eight people who died on that and the daughter. Now, in Ari's defense, like you said, I didn't know this. He probably didn't know that Kobe's daughter was there with him.

I'm sure he didn't know. That's the hazard of living in this era where you post something and then he tried to take it down. He did try to take the video down, but somebody had reposted it. So then that context is removed. Nobody's going to allow him that explanation to say, hey, I didn't know the daughter had died or whatever. Either way, it's an obvious attempt. It's a troll move. Ari, obviously, he can't not have expected

this reaction, right? Of course, I know he expected it. He did the same thing with Tom Petty when Tom Petty died. Sure. He does it all the time, right? He drove around in a Ku Klux Klan outfit. Yeah. You know? I'm just... Those LA guys will do anything to be famous. Yeah, I'm just... Just kidding. I'm just mentioning it because

I've gotten a lot of messages about what I... I just want to let our fans know I don't care at all, so I'm just mentioning it because I've gotten a lot of messages about what I... I just want to let our fans know I don't care at all, so I'm not going to respond to you. They're not even going to get a double tap, which is wild. That's a wild thing, yeah, because some people have... But what if they send some titties with that question? No, they're not going to get a double tap either. Because you're still slow back? No.

You know Atlantic City changed that. No, I begged a guy. I begged Mike in Hampton, Connecticut. Yeah, when you banged Mike, was it comfortable? He's a comfortable bang. He's a comfortable kid. Yeah. Yeah. He's a comfortable bang. Yeah. Yeah, he's a beanbag bang. Yeah, he's a bean. Yeah, he's a total

like everywhere you go, there's going to be a little bounce on it. Yeah. You're not going to feel any bones. Yeah. You might hear some wheezing, but that's about it. But that's about it. There might be some uncomfortable smells, but that's about it. No, Mike's clean. He's got a clean ass. I sniffed his seat when he got out. You might hear some wheezing, but that's about it. But that's about it. There might be some uncomfortable smells, but that's about it. No, Mike's clean. He's got a clean ass. I sniffed his seat when he got out.

You know what? That's a good thing that you did. You have to do it to find it. And I put the seat warmers on to really just spice it up, and it smelled squeaky clean. It smelled like Puerto Rican air freshness, which is what my car smells like. That's what it always smells like. Your car definitely smells like an Uber. Now, here's the deal with the history of hyenas.

My cart smells like a C-Town. It does smell like a C-Town, right? And the people in it look like they're getting driven there for work. It's just what it is, yeah. Yeah. Now, here's the deal. If you're around the history of hyenas, there's a good chance something that is by you, that you own, or a seat you were sitting in is going to get sniffed.

It's what it is. I'm a sniffer and you're a sniffer. I'm also a biter. I bite and I sniff. I got five senses. My favorite one is smell. Yeah, you like to smell and I also like to sniff. Yeah, I like to sniff.

That's why I like somebody who has no fumes. No fumade. Yeah, Mikey's a comfortable kid. Babes, now let me just tell everybody we're going to be talking about specifically Napoleon's love letters to the first empress of France, Josephine. That's what the episode's going to be about. Who didn't love him, give it up, Squeak. Yeah.

I mean, the kid's a fucking French Squeak. The kid's a French Squeak bat. The most famous Squeak of all time. He's a French Squeak bat. Of course, we appreciate all the support. We've been getting our Patreon. It has been growing tremendously. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys.

I want to give a personal shout out to all the people that came out to the Space Ballroom in Hamden, Connecticut and the Celebrity Theater in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Thank you guys. Everyone that came out. You guys are cute. And yeah, Mike.

And you gave Mike a standing ovation in Connecticut. Good for you. How did that feel? That was good, huh? It felt great. Yeah. I heard a homeless pimp also got a little bit of a pop. Homeless pimp got a standing ovation at Celebrity Theater.

And he came out. He was the episode. The outfit that Homeless Pip, the great Mike Lavin, was wearing in Atlantic City on Saturday was truly wild. It was something where you kind of question if you're on mushrooms or if he's just wearing like. I mean, the kid looks wild, but the kid's a handsome kid. He got a haircut, but he leaves the beard. And he's got green eyes that are just cute. Yeah.

He dresses a little bit like Hacksaw Jim Dungan. He does. What a trendy version of him. Yeah, like a version that just went to arts and craft class with his daughter and let his daughter paint on his pants. Yeah, it's just what it is. That's who he is. Yeah. And he likes to complain about liberals a lot. I didn't see that one coming. He's interesting.

Yeah, he's an interesting kid. He's had enough of certain people and it was funny to listen to him. Yeah, he's also got a deeply, deeply, deeply Irish face. Yeah. He's a deeply, deeply Irish kid. He's a handsome kid. Go follow The Homeless Pimp on social media. We love working with The Homeless Pimp. He's a deeply, deeply Irish kid. He's a handsome kid. Go follow the Homeless Pimp on social

media. We love working with the Homeless Pimp. He's responsible for all our film stuff that you've been seeing recently. Yeah. And I realize right now it's 6.34 p.m. I've been up since 5.45 a.m. I can't do the podcast when the sun's down. You can't.

I just can't do it when it's dark. I'm just trying to dig for energy and quick jokes. And I've just got almost nothing left. I've just had a day already. You've had a day. You got ankle weights on. Yeah. You live your life with ankle weights on.

It's just what it is. You live your life like a guy who's trying to one day dunk. And so you're just wearing ankle weights every day. So when you wake up, you're a dad. And you wake up into a dunk. Yeah. And so you're just wearing ankle weights every day. Yeah. So when you wake up, you're a dad and you're just, you wake up into a situation. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, I'm, I arise every day into a situation. You're into a situation.

It's just what it is. You wake up and you look around and it's just a situation that's happening. Yeah. And you got to figure out, your life is a panic room game. It's just what it is. You got to figure out how to get out of that room. And let me tell you something. Let me be crystal clear with you.

Saturday night in Atlantic City, I got fucking hammered. I mean, annihilated, hammered. I mean, it got actually dangerously bad. It just is a slippery slope when you're hanging out with Ridgewood kids. Now, it's a slippery slope when you're hanging out with Ridgewood kids plus Atlantic City. It's bad. It's a bad math equation. And I knew you were in a bad way when I got called a Greek racial slur out of nowhere.

I was like, uh-oh. I'm not going to respond to this. I'm just going to wait eight hours and see what happens in the morning. It was one of those things where I looked at my phone the next day and I was like, wow. Yeah. I mean, wow. The text, the calls. You called me a dirty fucking Greek.

Yeah. Yeah. I also said some horrible things to one of my sweet aunts. I texted her some horrible things to my aunt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what happened? What could you do?

What could you do? Yeah. Yeah. You know? At least she knows how the family feels now. Yeah. I just had to say I gave her some opinions about some of her choices. What could you do? And she was like, why would you say this to me? I was like, I'm sorry I was drunk in Atlantic City. about some of her choices. What could you do?

And she was like, why would you say this to me? I was like, I'm sorry I was drunk in Atlantic City. It's what it is. No pubes. Yeah, she's probably used to it. I'm sure maybe one of your other relatives who married into the family might have done something similar years back. Yeah, it's just what it is. It's something that your family's make choices.

You guys are used to it. Yeah. Now, did you text Venetia anything? Did you call her a dirty Greek, too? No, I did text Venetia, and I have to apologize for that the next day, too. But there were no slurs. It was just love letters to Josephine.

Yeah, you can't... I'm just an idiot, but I don't really drink, and then I guess because... You don't mean any harm, cuz. I don't mean any harm. I've said it before. I'll say it again.

You're Lenny from of mice and men. You just want to get taken to the rabbits, George. You just if you hold the rabbit, you might squeeze it too hard because you just don't know your own strength. I don't know my own strength. Yeah. And I'm a little naive at times. You're a little naive. So but things are changing now.

Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. So it's just what it is. I had it was just one of those things where I was like – Did you have any sweets today? No, not today. But that's because I went – I had a doctor's appointment today at 8.05 in the morning,

and my blood pressure was through the roof. So he was like, you need to change. So what can you do? What? I was going to do drinking. Drinking, I ate McDonald's. But which doctor's appointment was this? This was the urologist for the

I have no more prostatitis. So the prostatitis is down, like we've said before. It's down. There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza. You put your finger in one hole and the water starts leaking out the other one. Prostatitis is gone. I have to put a blood pressure cuff on my penis today, which is why

it's called a Eurocuff. Google Eurocuff. U-R-O-c-u-f-f i had to put that on my fucking on my pinky dick today did you make a video of it and try to send it to one of your friends um no yeah yeah yeah that's why we have to put it on the dick the euro cuff yeah today there it is yeah just wrap it around and then it takes the blood pressure in your dick while you're peeing is Is that what it does? That's what it does. And what's the point of it?

It measures the pressure, I guess, in your – I actually don't know what the point of it is. It must measure the pressure in your urethra, but I don't know how that – I guess I can confirm the prostatitis. I probably want to see how narrow or how much piss is getting through the urethra to see if the prostate is playing. But then it was squeezing and opening at the same time. Did it have a little pewing effect or no?

No, it didn't have a little pewing effect, but it sucked because you're peeing and then it just chokes your penis and then you can't pee. But they say just relax and pee and then it just started peeing again. And was you alone when you had it on or he's just there watching you pee? No, no, no. No, well, he said most of the time he can just turn around and the patients will do it, but I said you have to leave and put the water on or I can't pee. It collects bladder contraction information.

Okay. That's what it does. So the bladder's good. So at least we can put one check for the bladder for now. Two months, I'll run into another problem. Because the truth is people probably thought you were joking, but if you're new to the podcast, Chris cannot go to the bathroom without running the water.

The water has to be on. So did he run the water for you? He put the sink on. He laughed. So there was a sink close by? Oh, yeah, there was a sink and there was a doctor's office. So if we're camping and there's no sink, what do I got to do? Just pour out an Avion bottle?

Or you could go? If we were in the woods? Yeah, if me and you were in the woods and you needed to go and we had one bottle of water and in order to get that pee out, would I have to pour it on the ground? No, no, no. If there's no water, the only thing I could do if there's no water, it either has to be a sound or a light sensation. So the only way I could probably pee is if you were blowing on my earlobe a little bit.

If you were just lightly going like this. Then I could were blowing on my earlobe a little bit. If you would just lightly go like this. Then I could pee if you blew on my ear a little bit. Now, you called me and you said you were stressed out the other day. You were having trouble. You were stressed out. About what? I can't remember. I've got to go scroll back in the text.

It probably had to do with a situation. Right. You were in a situation. Right. Dealing with a situation. Okay. And I said to you, it's probably because you took your butt plug out. Just put it in and maybe the blood pressure will go back down. Right. Dealing with a situation. Okay. And I said to you, it's probably because you took your butt plug out. Just put it in and maybe the blood pressure will go back down.

Yeah. And then you told me you did it and then you felt fine. I felt fine. Did it work? It worked. I also think I'm in a... So you shouldn't really be walking around without the butt plug. I also think because I've had that sinus infection that's finally gone, I haven't worked out

in eight days. So I haven't been in the gym in eight days besides a little pushies and cities. So I think I'm just at a place now where I'm just agitated. And then I think that's what it is. I just feel a little agitated. You look good, though, for a guy who hasn't worked out in eight days. I haven't worked out in eight days, but I feel disgusting. I haven't worked out in 16 days.

And my blood pressure is just too high. And it's just got to change. Yeah. But what can you do, you know? Yeah. Well, these are the problems that we have in the modern day. First of all, knowing about our blood pressure. If we didn't know about it, maybe that contributes to it, knowing about it.

Because once I started knowing that my blood pressure was slightly elevated, now I think that stresses me out even more. If I have one regret in my life, which is wild because it's a thing that's helped me a lot and it's a nice safety blanket. It would be not saying all those things about your family on this podcast. It would be that. Yeah. But that's still not number one. Yeah. No, number one would be going through physical therapy school because once you have an extensive medical knowledge, the things that you know and the stories that you hear are just

like it's just like it's too much yeah my doctor today was like that he hasn't been a doctor in six years he's like because i i i it's scary to know how much doctors don't know that's what's scary about it right but then on the same token it's like you know everyone's gonna die so it's like who cares you know you bring up an interesting point Because like I've talked To a few doctors And I've also read about it And a lot of doctors Kind of have Are kind of like

Have psychopathy Sure A lot of people Who become surgeons And things like that Who can deal with gore And look at gore You know

That's a well suited position For somebody with psychopathy Of course Who's not Because people with psychopathy Are not squeamish You know there's this Stereotype that If you have psychopathy You're a, because people with psychopathy are not squeamish. You know, there's this stereotype that if you have psychopathy, you're a bad person.

It doesn't necessarily mean that. It just means you don't have the adrenaline, the fear feelings that people have. Right. So a lot of the people who get that medical knowledge don't have the anxiety that comes with it so they can handle it. Now, you're a kid who's not built that way. Right. You're a kid who's not built that way. Right.

You're a kid who's like, you're built with a lot of anxiety. So although eventually you could eat fettuccine Alfredo over a cadaver, still maybe it wasn't the best thing for you to know all that stuff. So now you're probably just internalizing it all the time. All the time. I think it's become subconscious now. Yeah. But what can you do, you know? I mean, if the one thing that Kobe's death, the one thing I think it really hammers home is how ephemeral this really is.

When someone larger than life dies, I think that's what it does to everybody. It reminds everyone. Because he seems immortal. When someone's a god like that, and then when he dies, it really reminds you of your own mortality and how ephemeral this really is and how much of a blip this is it's a blip and that's why like you know it's like it's like I was thinking about you know Kobe dying and like like you said that like almost like an immortal guy and then it's like but still like there's a monarchy in England like I still have to bow to somebody it's like this is all stupid yeah you're not a fucking queen you what are you

talking about take the crown off asshole just give the millions of dollars back to the english people it's just like what do you mean it's ridiculous we're living in such a stupid can you believe there's people in this world right now that still demand being bowed to and other fucking idiots do it yeah i i got i would love to get some mashed potatoes and pour them on their head yeah on their heads yeah because it's bullshit that's fucking bullshit it's ridiculous i don't love to get some mashed potatoes and pour them on their heads. And pour them out. Yeah. On their heads. Yeah. Because it's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. It's ridiculous. I don't want to get a lecture from any European country about how we do business.

No. We'll do business the way we want to do business. Yeah. Yeah. Okay? Because as long as you got a fucking monarchy. Yeah. Yeah.

Pay attention to your own fucking problems because your taxpayers are giving those inbreds millions of dollars. Yeah. You're paying fucking dress up for realsies and paying millions of dollars for it so just shut up and if you're gonna tell me prince harry or whatever the fuck his name is because i don't even know his fucking name because i don't care about your fucking princes and princesses i don't care about what kind of you're playing because you're playing with chris's kids that's what you're doing and you may have more than one kids i don't know

but you're fucking playing dress up with the baby yeah that's what you're doing when you're calling this person a prince but if you're gonna tell me that oh he went to war and you know he's actually not useless have you ever seen that clip that was the most like planned clip i know where all the soldiers start running and he just gets up and he's like you know he stops the interview and he rips the microphone off and he runs with them and you can almost imagine them going like okay cut we got it it's good for news now yeah you know it's such bullshit 100% agreed the only thing I will say is that his wife Meghan Markle will get cracked open holy shit because she is yeah now that she's back in the U.S. soil and not a royal anymore she's gonna get dm'd she's gonna get punched through she's gonna get

dm'd welcome back to the United States. I think they live in Canada. Yeah, but I mean, she really made a nice career for herself. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? She went from like a TBS show to like being the princess or something, right? The millionaire. Oh, she was on the millionaire show?

Who wants to be a millionaire? I don't care about that. I think it's a little bit of a mental illness to care about the prince and princess. She was on that? I don't even know. Yeah, now she's the Duchess of Sussex or whatever. What are you British people fucking doing? What are you doing?

She's the Duchess of Sussex? No, she's not. She's a fucking girl from the Orange County of California. What are you talking about? That's like calling me the Duke of Brooklyn. It's not. You guys are fucking stupid. Yeah, I'll tell you that now.

Chris is the Prince of Ridgewood. What is wrong with you fucking inbreds? Get your teeth fixed, you fucking people. Or we'll invade your country again, you cocksuckers. Cocksucker. It's ridiculous. Yeah. First of all, kings and queens were horrible people.

Right. They are the leftover vestiges from an oppressive system. The feudal system was a horrible system where peasants were forced to work on these royals' lands. And if they didn't, they got their heads cut off, whatever. They were just as bad as dictators and murderers. Right. Kings and queens and shit like that. So it's the thing as like if germany was like you know what the fascist system was bad that that whole thing was bad but you know let let's keep let's keep a furor

let's keep a furor just for the look you know to represent the country so this is our furor you're gonna write about him in the gossip magazines the fur Fuhrer went out for dinner last night, and boy, he forgot his fucking cute Hugo Boss jacket. Yeah. Yeah, that would be the same thing than what the British people do. So fuck you, England. It's what it is. That's what I'm here to say. All right.

Yeah. The reason why I want to talk about Napoleon's love letters to Josephine today, and this is a wild episode, is because one, Valentine's Day is not far away, and two, I just think it's important in tragic times to have love in the air, and because you live so far away now, it's hard for me to find love. Yeah, are you doing okay? It's hard for me.

It's hard for me to smell the love in the air when you're far away. It's tough, right? Did you go to lunch with James today? No, I didn't. I didn't go to lunch with him. I didn't go to lunch with him today because he stepped on a walnut.

Did he really? No, I don't know. Maybe, yeah. I don't know. He texted me. I'm like, I can't deal with this. You know what the thing is about these love letters is they're really funny because when

you juxtapose these love letters to what he was doing, this guy was out conquering the world and then writing these letters to this chick who was over him. Yeah. She was like, whatevs. It is funny to me that Napoleon not only was a squeak, but he also had bangs. I mean, the kid had bangs. So it's funny to me when guys have bangs. I mean, the kid had bangs. So it's funny to me when guys have bangs. There's nothing funnier than an insecure guy, and there's

no question that Napoleon wasn't an insecure guy. And he had a gunt. Look at his gunt. He did have a gunt. He had a little piece. A tiny little piece, and he had a gunt. Most of his gut was below his belt. Let me ask you a question. When it comes to guys, and we may have talked about this

before, but is there anything in your opinion that's funnier than a man with an obvious toupee? I think it's – Is that the funniest thing a man can do when leaving his house? I think the image of a man taking off his toupee and putting it on a statue before he goes to bed is – It's hard to take funny. Is number two behind a fart. bed is number two behind a fart. Yeah. Number two behind a fart.

I was going to ask you, is only a fart? Only a fart. I think our God as comedians is the fart. We should be praying to the fart. Fart God. We're always chasing the fart. Nothing is funnier than a well-timed or ill-timed fart, depending on how you look at it. Right.

And then number two has got to be the toupee. I mean, the toupee. I mean, guy, we all know it's a toupee. Guy! Who are you fucking kidding? Yeah, I mean, can we post pictures of the toupees? I mean, these guys. First of all, Jude Law wears a toupee.

No, he doesn't. Look at him on the right, right down there. Yeah. No, but are those hair plugs? Hair plugs to me are different than a toupee. It is. A toupee is a rug. A toupee is a yarmulke made of hair that you clip onto your real hair and you just try to make it match and it never does.

The best is when the wings are coming off the side. Like in a rainstorm? Yeah, it just looks like they're going to go airport. Yeah, when you've got the wings flying over the real Yeah, it just looks like there's like a – It looks like they're going to go airport. Yeah. When you've got the wings flying over the real hair, it's the best. It's funny when a guy's insecure. It's funny and it's scary when a guy's insecure too. It's really funny.

That's what makes like Sicilians so funny because they're insecure kids. They're insecure kids. They take themselves way too seriously. Way too seriously, yeah. But they put out good head shots. They do. Look at Paul Verzi's Instagram. They're insecure kids. They take themselves way too seriously. Way too seriously, yeah. But they put out good headshots. They do. Look at Paul Verzi's Instagram. Yeah, they do.

Marv Albert had a huge toupee. Look at that. Look at Donald Trump. It's wild. Okay, well, speaking of insecure guys, I mean, the kid Napoleon was an insecure guy. I mean, people think the kid was like five feet tall. I mean, the kid Napoleon is the definition of a squeak. He's a fucking squeak.

I mean, he's a squeak. He's a le squeak. He's a le squeak bed. And the kid's wearing full stockings. Imagine conquering the world's wearing full stockings. Imagine conquering the world wearing white winter stockings. I mean, the truth is... I mean, a kid's dressed like Gwyneth Paltrow in 1991.

The truth is this. That kid would conquer nations and then march on the new nation in a fucking onesie. I mean, the kid had footsies on. The kid came out with footsie PJs and would march onto the land and say, I'm your emperor. And I know that for a fact, if I was a kid alive, I would have laughed and got my head

chopped off immediately because the kid's coming in with the squeak, marching with footsies. I mean, if the kid's not holding a teddy bear, I can't listen. Yeah. I mean, it's really squeak. He's a squeak. It's funny when you really think about it, that he was leading an army. How the fuck did he do that? Yeah. I mean, it's really. He's a squeak. He's a squeak. It's funny when you really think about it that he was leading an army. How the fuck did he do that? Yeah.

I mean. How did someone just pick him up and put him on a shelf? I mean. That's enough out of you, Squeak. I wish he was alive today. I'd love to throw him into a fucking ball pit. I would love to. I would love to just toss him back and forth between me and you.

Yeah. Just for like 10 seconds and then see. Let's hear some more about your opinions now. Yeah. Like I would love to. Yeah. Just put him on my shoulders and take a walk with you? Yeah. Just for like 10 seconds and then see. Let's hear some more about your opinions now. Yeah, like I would love to. Yeah, just put him on my shoulders and take a walk with him. Yeah. Yeah. Just put him in a stroller.

Like, shut up. That's the thing with a guy like this, but he must have been so good. Napoleon Bonaparte must have been such like a scary guy because like if he's such a short kid like that, like why couldn't somebody just, you know, put their head on his hand and then just let him swing? You know, like when they put their hand down and kids can't get you? Yeah, I don't know. I think it has a lot to do with just will.

I think the little guys are just so willing to do so much because they're so short. So to make up for being short and to be in a squeak, they'll do anything. They'll do anything because they're short. Yeah, so it's like they're just going like, we'll fight forever. And as a tall guy's going like, I don't want to do this. But short guy's going like, I need to do this. His nickname was the little corporal. I mean, that's tough.

Yeah. He's a little kid. The kid was born in 1769, died in 1821, Napoleon I. Everybody knows he's the French military leader. And the episode's not about Napoleon today. It's really about Josephine. Yeah, but it is impressive that he rose to power during the French Revolution in a coup d'etat at 5'6". You're a coup d'etat.

Yeah. You're a coup d'effet. I mean, coup d'etat, another French word. Yeah. Coup d'etat, another French word. You'd get your head cut off. Guillotine, another French word. Guillotine. Guillotine. Yeah, when you're from Brooklyn, you call it a guillotine. You call it a drawer. We call it a draw. Yeah, we call it a draw. You call it a

cafe. We call it a coffee. It's what it's called. You call it water. We call it water. It's what it a draw. Yeah, we call it a draw. You call it a cafe, we call it a coffee. It's what it's called. You call it water, we call it water. It's what it is. Es lo que es. Yeah. Yeah, we're not going to do too many sound effects because we get it. Your voice has been heard.

Yeah. Everyone. It's just what it is. It's just what it is. We've been listening to your fucking reviews. We've been listening to reviews. Josephine was a piece, though, and the thing about her was she could care less about this fucking squeak. Her name was Josephine De Behanas.

B-E-A. Here, let's try to spell this out. B-E-A-U-H-A-R-N-A-S. I'm going to say it was Josephine De Behanas. Let me give it a crack. Give it a whirl. Josephine De Behanas. I think that's how you said it. Okay, I'm going to give it a crack. Give it a crack. Okay, I'mharne. I think that's how you said it.

Okay, I'm going to give it a crack. Give it a crack. Okay, I'm going to go with, where is it? Okay, okay. I'm going to go with Josephine de Beharne. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is.

How do you think it is? Give it a crack. Give it a crack. I want to hear it. I want to hear it from the other way. Is this robot or real? It's the real. I would say the same thing.

Josephine de Behanay. Yeah, that sounded more French. Okay. So, yeah. So, Josephine de Behanay was, she was 32. She was an old woman in 1796. She was six years older than the squeak. 17, no, but 32 in 1795.

That's an old woman. I mean, that's 10 years older than Julie Roberts from when she started filming Pretty Woman. I know. She's actually 12 years older. She's old enough that Joel Richardson would hit on her. Yeah, so Joel would have went after her. She's a fucking cougar. I mean, if you're even alive at 32 in 1795, I mean, that's wild. They couldn't even check their blood

pressure. Yeah, it's crazy because Vanity is only in her late 20s, but if this was back in the 1700s, she'd be a grandma by now. She'd be a yaya. She'd be a yaya and have her own cookies. So she was immediately When Josephine and Napoleon met They immediately fell in love I mean

Well he fell in love with her She would Let's be honest She was probably a piece That was stacked Yeah And he probably It was probably

Very lustful Yeah At first And she probably just didn't care That he was a short squeak of a kid Because she was definitely Taller than him no Yeah she was

Probably his height or taller And you know She probably Josephine sounds like a chick who was like into the power of who he was yeah but they had a very immature kind of high school relationship which is which is what makes this so hilarious well yeah because she was she was she was a widow yeah right she had um uh she had a couple teenage teenage kids a couple of teenage kids. She had a couple of teenage kids. Yeah. New to the podcast. We have to cackle some things for legal reasons, but we set them to enjoy them for us. Okay, let me just say it this way.

Yeah. She had, and I'm just saying because they have good deal. It's your life. You do it the way you want. I'm not. I'm going to say it this way, and I mean this. You can take it as you want as the audience. I'm going to say she was 32 years old.

She had a 17-year-old old kid and she was kind of wild so i'm just saying that i know because i just came from there that women who have children that they're 17 8 you know that that are women who have women who have children when they're 15 years old 16 years old they get really good loan deals from banco popular and that's not that's that's just a thing that you can look up. I'm not. It's a fact. It's a fact. It's a history. I'm saying go to Banco Popular, which is a great bank.

Yes. If you're in that, they give out good loans. Yes. Absolutely they do. Yes. Yeah. And they give lollipops to the adults. It's what it is.

Yeah. It's just what it is. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they do. And they got, yeah. Yeah. So.

So, yeah. I'm like, you do the math. That's all they do. So, yeah. You do the math. That's all I'm saying. You do the math. Absolutely. You know? Yeah. If you can figure out what Chris is saying, good on you. Good on you. Good on you. It's a good bank.

And it's nice because the whole thing's bulletproof, so you feel safe in there. You feel safe in there. That's right. No question about that. It's just that's what the type of bank. That's where you bank. That's where you bank. That's where you bank. Yeah.

If you're banking with coupons, that could be the bank for you. And I would suggest going there in the summer because they always got a guy in there selling shaved ices. It's what it is. And there has been a few times being like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know a couple of those coupons got mixed in there with these dollars. I don't know what you're saying, but I'm just talking about Banco Popular. That's what it is.

Yeah, no. And it's good. Do we have any other pictures of Joe? And they also got people in there signing people up for the military. They do, yeah. Which is nice. Yeah. And you could definitely get some pineapple juice in there.

100% get some pineapple juice. And they got coconut cookies in the waiting room. Yeah. And I just think this is where Josephine did this. This is the bank she would have went to. Yeah. And I just think this is where Josephine did the hee-hee-hee. This is the bank she would have went to. That's all I'm going to say. Based off the facts of her life, I think Josephine would have went to that bank.

Do you think she is a piece? Look at her. She is a piece. She's got- She's frowns. And she's got wild- She's got kind of wild hair. She's got like- She's got nice boobs.

She does have nice boobs, which is what Napoleon said. Napoleon said in one of the love letters, which we'll read later, that she had sweet tits. He said she had natties. He said she had natties. He also said he wanted to kiss her way, way, way down below. He said he wanted to give her a kisser up and then way, way down. He was basically saying he wanted to eat her hairy French vag. It's what it is.

He wanted to eat her out. He wanted to eat her out. Kid was on military missions talking about eating puss yeah it's just eating puss he was like if i wasn't surrounded by these hessians right now i'd bang you out bang you out yeah and she sometimes wouldn't even respond to him respond to him because let's be honest yeah let's be honest she was banging out other dudes she was thinking about other people she was thinking about other people okay because let you know she was probably talking to her first baby daddy with the kids if he's still alive. And then just listen.

If you're going to be on the other side of the world and not send me my money, then the truth is I'm not going to write back to your letters because I got other people that need to bang me out because I got to take care of the kids. And I would be able to get over there to the other side of the country. But the vehicle you gave me, you gave me a stationary vehicle. You didn't give me one that moved. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you are really skirting on thin ice. What are you talking about? Yeah, I don't know.

It's your life. You do what you want. What are you talking about my life? Stationary vehicle. I know what that is. Yeah, you know what that is, but I'm talking about a stationary vehicle. I'm saying because in the history of it, they didn't, he gave her like a stagecoach that didn't have wheels. That's what I'm saying because in the history of it, they didn't, he gave her like a stagecoach

that didn't have wheels. That's what I'm saying. Okay, because I was thinking about the other parallels between Josephine and what we're talking about, and there was a vehicle that doesn't move. Yeah, no, you, when you keep saying that's close to my life, you're the one skating on thin ice. I'm telling you that, I'm telling you the good deals

I have at Banco Popular, and that she was in a stagecoach that had wheels, but it didn't move very far. And she was posting videos of it to her Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. This is a history.

I eat a fax. This is what they are. I get it. I get it. So Napoleon was often on the road, like me. Yeah. And he carried out his military duties and campaigns like me. And then he often mailed Josephine.

Her responses, however, were less frequent. So she didn't write back a lot. And now, listen, here's the thing, though. In her defense, she's got two teenage kids. Okay? Her husband, who's a squeak, is off the side. He's on the other side of the world she doesn't know if this guy's dead or alive i mean she's got shit to deal with it's not like

you can just text somebody back or send them an email or a voice video i mean back then it's like you gotta write he's very heavy with the love letters like she probably like also like women don't like when guys are this vulnerable like that he's like listen you're the emperor like kill people behead people like that's hot yeah send me jars of blood i don't want to hear about your feelings guy i don't want to hear about yeah he's coming on too strong you know he was in the friend zone probably he probably was in the friend zone you know yeah it's funny too though because back then you know nowadays you can just ask for titty pic or dick pics like yeah i think probably there may be some lost letters where he's like yo could you draw me a piece, can you draw me a picture of your puss?

That's what they had to do. That's when we talked about the Civil War episode. You would write a letter and then you would just draw your dick. And it would be a Verizon remote. It's a little history factor. History hyena callback. Joseph Hooker, one of the brigade leaders of the Civil War. That's where the term Hooker

came from because he he had not only did he have prostitutes following his camp. He had prostititis. He had prostititis, which I do not. Yeah. My uro cuff, my blood pressure, my dick is good. Good. Yeah.

But he would have cartoonists, he would employ cartoonists to make naked pictures, to draw naked pictures of the women. And that was like their porn of the time. So Mike's listening. Anime? Yeah. Mike's listening. Anime? Yeah. Mike's listening. He's like, oh, fit.

There's no way. And Benatini's like, do we love it? Do you think there's any way Mike has not jerked off to a cartoon? What are the chances? I would think it's less likely that he's jerked off to not a cartoon. Right, exactly. I would say that if you're ever sitting next to Mike and the movie Roger Rabbit comes on, put on your poncho. Yeah, I see that. There's a cartoon piece of that, and you may get a little wet, but it's okay.

You know, it's funny, though. She wouldn't return his messages and stuff, and it seemed like he was pining over her and pining over her or whatever. They both took different lovers at a certain point um which just happens she was she was acting like she was too cool for him but then he flipped the script this it's like a high school relationship you remember those relationships were like it's it's toxic it's that back and forth right when he wants you you don't want him and vice versa because then he was like fuck you and then she fell on the floor crying. That's what it is.

Because he was done with her. Yeah, he was done with her. Yeah. And then what happened, actually, is in 1804, Napoleon officially became Emperor of France, which that meant Josephine was the Empress of France. But then in 1809, Napoleon, they basically were banging out and he couldn't have kids,

and Josephine already had the kids. So he wanted to get the marriage annulled, because he was like, you're not going to give me an heir. It ain't working. So we're going to annul the marriage. But she wouldn't do it. She allegedly, when he announced his intention to separate from her, Josephine started screaming and eventually collapsed on the floor. She needed to be carried out to her courtes, which also sounds like something that you see in Banco Popular. Yeah, a lot of this reads familiar to you.

It's very familiar. You were researching for this and going like, wow. Wow, yeah. Wow, history repeats itself. History repeats itself, yeah. Everything's the same except the squeak part. I'll say this for sure, for sure, 100%. And again, this has got nothing to do with my life or anything.

This is just a general statement. But they would say that quite often, the people of France would say that Napoleon, the reason why is you would see when they would argue in the public court in front of everyone, Josephine would hit Napoleon with a chancleta. That's what would happen. That's what would happen. That's what would happen. She would get hit with chancletas. And that's, you know, so the French people knew what was going on.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, so the French people knew what was going on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really funny to think about how love letters have changed into text.

Right. You know? It used to be like when you read some of the love letters. So they have the original letters. How did they get the original letters, Venetia? How did they keep them? I mean, they just— Somehow they got them. Well, because, I mean, he was the emperor and empress of France, so they probably had

probably some gay butler kept them. Or maybe she kept them maybe she kept no i bet you i bet you it was a guy i bet you it was a guy that kept them you think it was like her gay her gay best friend because all those it was very very honey keep these one day these are gonna be worth something worth something yeah it was very it was very very um it was very um common for these uh women at the time to always have like a like a gay assistant pretty much yeah very much yo or like a guy like who you know who was effeminate well it's hard to tell when we're dealing with french you know what i mean yeah because they're all kind of gay right it's like that guy gay or french but you know what the french do have lots of affairs they do

they do like they don't like they don't look look at sex with as much shame as we do. And they don't associate it with it as cheating as much. If you fall in love with someone else, you're guilty of cheating. If you have sex with someone else, they view it as an impulse that they're not happy about, but it's not a big problem. Yeah, I mean, they have a lot of sex. They don't fuck around. And it's kind of funny because knowing that this is part of history, Josephine's letters from Napoleon and their correspondents, it kind of makes sense. If you had like a French emperor who's trying to conquer the world, you would think that he would be having like love letters with somebody.

Because this is just so French. Right. You're never going to hear about letters from like a German, like Hitler. Yeah. No, Hitler killed David Bronner and killed himself. Yeah, that's like I love you, babe. going to hear about letters from like a german a german like the like hitler yeah no no hitler killed his he killed ava braun and killed himself yeah that's that's that's like i love you babe that's like that's more of a german way to do it he's not going to be like you know planning a war and at the same time being like so you know eva you know let me say i would like to kiss you down

there he's not even thinking that he's not going to think that. No, he's not thinking that. No. He's going to be like, you know, because he needs to see, like, Jews' heads to get hard. That's the problem with Germans. Now, let me ask you. They're sick people. Well, here's the thing. I'm going to read one to you, and just tell me if you go pewing.

Yeah. Okay? Because this is how Napoleon wrote it. But only if you read it with a French accent. You want me to read it with a French accent? You want me to read it like Chrissy D? No, if you're going to do a character piece, I want you to do a character piece. Okay, fine.

This is my best French accent. Do it. A kiss on your heart. And one much lower down, much lower. How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing. The little firm white breast, racist. The adorable face. The hair tied up in a scarf, a la Rio.

That was a pretty good character base that's what it is yeah I awake I am filled with you your image and the intoxicating pleasures of last night allow my senses

no rest why did they write like that back then of what sort can be that marvelous being that new lava that clear and sees over your days

and prevents you from giving attention to your husband yeah you sounded like you sounded like a like a Haitian nanny yeah that clear and sees over your days and prevents you from giving attention to your husband. Yeah. You sounded like a Haitian nanny. Yeah. This is Will Savin reading these.

Come soon, I want you. If you delay, you will find me ill. Fatigue and your absence are too much. Now, Josephine, merci. Is that hot? Like, is that type of talk hot? Yeah. It is? You don't think talk hot? Yeah. It is?

You don't think so? No. Writing something out? Like that, though? That's beautiful. Whenever I read those old letters with those Civil War letters, I'm going like, why? You can just hear how he's yearning for her. Here's one that I wrote. It seems like here's one that I wrote.

Things are going well here, but my heart is indescribably heavy. You are ill and far away from me. Be gay and take care of yourself. That sounds, yeah. That sounds like. Yeah, yeah. Word. I'm just talking about my.

Cover girl. Work it, girl. Yeah. Do your thing on the runway. Josephine, Josephine. Remember what I have sometimes said to you. Nature has endowed me with a viral and decisive character. It has built yours out of lace and gossamer.

Have you ceased to love me? Napoleon, here's the truth why she didn't write back to you. It's because you're using words that nobody fucking knows what you're talking about, lady. Here's the truth. I mean, Napoleon's a guy. Whatever it is. But I mean, lace and gossamer? Dickhead.

That's not going to get her panties wet, okay? Her corset wasn't wet when you fucking said, nature has endowed me with a viral and decisive character. I mean, shut your squeak. Your squeak. Just draw your fucking piece. Try it too hard. Whatever fucking eye you're on, get a banana,

and then draw your piece to scale next to that banana. Trace the banana with your dick. That's what you do. That's what you do. And then you get into her DMs, and you throw her a couple of emojis. It's what it is. It works every time. Silly stuff works. Yeah, I mean, do you think you're then you get into her DMs and you throw her a couple of emojis. It's what it is. It works every time. Silly stuff works.

Yeah. I mean, do you think you're going to get a response from a girl when not one of these letters, you didn't even write the word babe? Yeah, but you're trying to- Did you write suck my dick babe to any of these letters? He didn't. You're not going to get a response then. You got to start off with, hey, babe, suck my dick, babe.

I can't get hard- And then you can do all your gossamer. Yeah. You need to suck it a little. Yeah. Just suck it a little. Yeah. And then you can do all your Gossamer.

Yeah, you need to suck it a little. Yeah, just suck it a little. Yeah, so Napoleon's a funny squeak because he did conquer a lot of the world while he was corresponding with Josephine, who was kind of in and out of love with him. They were kind of in and out of love with each other. Very French. But then the kid, much like a squeak, he got beat. Finally, Russia just turned around and said, wait a second, you're a squeak.

So all his people froze in Russia. He got sent to an island. But this is the thing with squeaks. They keep coming. They're resilient. They're resilient, these squeaks. They're close to the ground, and they're resilient. You can't really knock these kids down. So he crawled back out, and that's when he was defeated at War of the Loots,

after he tried again to conquer. Because the kid couldn't help it. He was a squeak. He's got a Napoleon complex. That's where the word Napoleon complex comes from. It comes from Napoleon being a squeak and not kid couldn't help it. He was a squeak. He's got a Napoleon complex. That's where the word Napoleon complex comes from. It comes from Napoleon being a squeak and not being able to handle it and wanting to conquer the world to compensate

for the fact that he had a little piece and he had a two-piece and he was a squeak. And I just got a text from Sol Joel. Hey, buddy. Hope all is well. I would love to book you on a gig coming up. My new club. No! Not going to happen. Selling out theaters now. See you later By the way Come see me

Mike, Sergio We're gonna be at Gotham Comedy Club February 26th and 27th And then we're gonna be At Uncle Vinny's At the Jersey Shore On February 28th and 29th

So get your fucking tickets Those are the wrong dates He and I knew That those were the wrong dates What did it write there? 21st and 22nd Sorry It's which one? Gotham February 21st and 22nd. It's which one?

Gotham, February 21st and 22nd. Okay, and then what's the next one? And then Uncle Vinny's 27th and 28th. So at the end of February, go to yannispeppascomedy.com and get your fucking tickets. Get your fucking tickets for the kid. And keep watching my special Blowing the Light. It's almost at 100,000. Keep watching Blowing the Light because if it doesn't get to 100,000

dollars... We're taking it down. We're taking it down. I'm tired of seeing it on the banner for hyenas. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. So that was great. That was the end of Napoleon. Napoleon, he went to St. Helen. I mean, how come this kid was able to survive after Waterloo?

He went to some island called what? St. Elba, right? How does Andrew know that? Because he's a Jew and they know stuff. They just know stuff, right? Yeah. What was it called? St. Elba? right? How does Andrew know that? Because he's a Jew and they know stuff. They just know stuff, right? Yeah. What was it called? St. Elba?

St. Eldris? Idris Elba? Idris Elba was a cute kid. Let me tell you something right fucking now. Uh-oh. If there's a man on this planet that I'm fucking telling you will get licked squeaky fucking clean if I ever see him, it's Idris Elba. I mean, that kid will get licked front to back. Because you'll end up in a 30-year mortgage with that kid.

I'll fucking slice that kid's skin open and crawl on him like Lovezak. Yeah, so the squeak ends up living on an island, then he died at 51 from something. You know what's cool? When you go to Montreal, at the Museum in Montreal, they have Napoleon's death mask. Really? Which is wild. The kid had a big nose. The kid was not a good-looking kid.

He was not a good-looking kid, right? No, he had sharp, sharp features. What can you do? And he wasn't a good-looking kid. So he wouldn't get cracked open? No. And so, you know, after he tried to have a kid with his broad, he just kicked her to the curb. So he could never have kids.

Napoleon never had kids. Napoleon never had any kids. Never had a kid, huh? So it was probably him who had the problem. Well, it was. Of course it wasn't about the problem. But see, this is the curb. So he could never have kids. Napoleon never had kids. Napoleon never had any kids. Never had a kid, huh? So it was probably him who had the problem. Well, it was. Of course it was him who had the problem. But see, this is the thing. A lot of infertility back in the day was from some

undiagnosed STD that was never really cured. Really? Yeah. He had a kid? Okay, so Veneti's saying he did have a kid. Who's his kid? With who? We can't hear you, Veneti. You gotta do the mic. Napoleon II was the prime. And who did he have a kid? Okay, so Veneti's saying he did have a kid. Who's his kid? Who's his kid with who? We can't hear you, Veneti. You've got to do the mic. Napoleon II was with him.

And who did he have a kid with? He was with his third wife. He had three marriages, and the first one was annulled. Josephine. Yeah, it wasn't really considered divorce. It was like we're canceling it. It wasn't because you couldn't produce a child. Canceled.

Goodbye. Duchess Marie Louise of Austria. Because let's be honest, Napoleon II kind of looks like me as a squeak. He does if you were't produce it. Can't salt. Goodbye. Duchess Marie Louise of Austria. Because let's be honest, Napoleon II kind of looks like me as a squeak. He does if you were a squeak. That's Napoleon's kid does kind of look like you. Yeah, wow. Yeah, we need to post a picture of that.

We may need to post it. If I was a squeak. If you were a mini Chris, that would be him. That might be what my daughter looks like when she grows up. It might be because she's got curly hair as well. She does. Now, what happened to this kid? What did he end up doing?

He was the king of Rome. Wow. A lot of these kids were gay kids back in the day. He had a lot of kids, actually, but this was his only legitimate son. Oh, so Napoleon did have children. He had a wedlock. Because squeaks bang out. Because squeaks

are, there's a lot of insecurity. What they do is they will, sex, they have, if you're a woman out there or a gay man and you want to get really banged out, I would pick a shorter man. I would go towards a squeak because they're really going to bang you out because they feel like they have a lot to prove. Where taller men, especially more good looking guys,

it's like they feel like girls are so easy for them. There's no incentive to really make you the night of your life because it's like, ah, they can just go find another one. But a squeak? I would look for a squeak of a guy if you want to just get banged out. A squeak or a nerd? Or a nerd.

Because a nerd really knows the blueprint of your pussy. Right. I mean, that kid's got the angles worked out mathematically. Mathematically, yeah. And he's digging in. Yeah. So you've got to go either squeak or nerd. Yeah.

Or if you just want to get filled up, go black. Let's just be honest. Let's just be honest Let's just be honest I mean you know Stereotypes don't fall from the sky We both played basketball Yeah The biggest ropes I've seen Have been on black guys

Yeah And it's a compliment It's just what it is It's what it is I've seen a couple of fucking Huge white ropes Yeah But the black ones have been jarring

Absolutely They've been jarring I mean jarring Absolutely I mean I've seen aarring. I mean, jarring. Absolutely. I mean, I've seen a few that I was going like, what the fuck, guy? Yeah.

It's fucking great. What the hell is that? How do you even work that thing? Yeah, it's huge. I want to slide down it. I mean, you've seen it. I like how you sneak your closet homosexuality out.

Yeah. You try to sneak them past me. I almost missed that one. Yeah, every time one of them, a black guy, would pull down the shower, I would just fucking go down like a slip and slide. You've seen a few ropes, right? I've seen, well, no, ropes.

In the locker room? I've seen a few jizz. Well, you didn't see any at St. Joe's because it was an all-white squad. Yeah, it was an all-white squad. Yeah, yeah. I had the biggest jizz. Do you think your St. Joe's team could lose to a WNBA team? I think a WNBA team, I'm not lying to you, I think a WNBA team would beat St. Joe's team could lose to a WNBA team? I think a WNBA team, I'm not lying to you,

I think a WNBA team would beat my St. Joe's team by 100 points. Really? I think we wouldn't even come close. Right. Yeah. But you saw some ropes in the locker room. I mean, I saw, well, ropes are jizz. I never got roped on in college.

That's high school. No, I'm talking about a piece. I'm just calling it a rope. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, I'm just calling it a rope. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm just calling it a rope. Oh, I saw some. A hammer. A hammer.

In high school, I saw them. Glue guns. In high school, I saw them, but not in college because in college, yeah, in college also most of the time the showers didn't work, so if you wanted to take a shower, you'd have to wash up in the sink. I went to Division III school. Yeah, and your buddy was a Polack, so he didn't like getting in showers you'd have to wash up in the sink. I went to Division III school. Yeah. And your buddy was a Polack. So he didn't like getting in showers.

He didn't like getting in the showers. No, it was a little. Yeah. And he wasn't circumcised yet then. Yeah. Oh, he got circumcised later? Later on in life. He just showed up on day of crutches.

And I was like, wow. He's a fan of the cast. So he's listening. He's laughing right now. He's laughing right now. But yeah, we'll never say his name. Yeah. All right.

Bo, before we read the patron names, is there any business to save Venetia? Are we doing good? Okay. We do. Yeah. I just want to say thank you real quick. Thank you real quick to Theo's Feta Cheese for sending out all the feta cheese. You haven't sent the check yet, so we're not going to read the thing yet.

Yeah, you know. But once that comes out, once the check clears, you're going to get a read and a half. But just because you said there's so much feta cheese, I just want to say thanks. Go to TheosFetaCheese.com. Is that the website? You said you weren't going to say anything, and now you are. Yeah, well, just because I'm not giving it the read read, but I'm just saying. Well, here's the thing.

Like, yeah, I mean, you know. It's what it is. Idris Elba. Yeah, the thing is with Idris Elba, yeah, he's just a guy that'll make you moist. Also, all my shows, ChrisDComedy.com, my live stand-up, February 8th, DC, Kennedy Center sold out. So thank you guys very much for that. February 28th, 29th, Hilarities in Cleveland. And then we've just added a second show April 18th At the Victoria Theater In Newark, New Jersey

So go get your tickets ChristyComedy.com And HistoryHienas.com Both our dates are up On either one So it's fucking cute Yes And we're brought to you

As always by Lakeside Maple Guys Lakeside Maple Is the official trail mix Of the History Hienas Truly it is It goes in my mouth And it goes in Chris' ass It goes in my ass

I'm being dead serious I'm being dead serious That Lakeside Maple Is some of the best granola I've ever had in my life. It's trail mix. It's trail. I'm sorry. It's not granola.

It's some of the best. He doesn't make granola. Some of the best trail mix I've ever had in my life. And when I had to get my prostate looked at again today, which I had to go through anally, they were like, I think you have a warrant. I said, no, that's Lakeside Maple. You just had a little corn on there? I had a little corn on there, and they just scooped it out.

And then they were going to throw it out. I said, no, no, no. Put it in my mouth. I never let a grain of Lakeside Maple trail mix go to waste. Put it in your yogurt. Put it in your butt. Put it in your butt. Put it in, you know.

Chris eats it. He puts it on the floor, and he scoots it around like a dog with a bum itch. It's what he does. Lakeside Maple. Guys, get your Lakeside Maple. Just get it. You should be eating oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast. You should be a little healthier.

So Lakeside Maple, it's baked in 100% pure maple syrup. It's so fucking delicious. You can eat it just as a snack on its own, or you can pour it in your oatmeal and your yogurt. Here's the important part. You go to lakesidemaple.com and use the promo code WILD to get 15% off your order. So go get your Lakeside Maple. Order it. Take a picture of it.

We'll repost it in the stories. Please support our sponsors. We're brought to you, as always, by Frankie over at 9th Street Auto Collision. Yeah. I love this guy. He's a big kid, and his company's called 9th Street, always by Frankie over at 9th Street Auto Collision. I love this guy. He's a big kid and his company's called 9th Street and he's not on 9th Street. It's over on West Hills Road. So it's just what it is.

He's as bad at marketing as we are. Yeah. No, he's paying $500, right? Yeah. You gotta give him a better reason. Go over to 9th Street. The hundreds are the ones that get the shit. Yeah, we got a lot of fans out on the island and so if you got a lot of fans out on the island. And so if you got a problem with your car, any auto repair needs, anything you need, parts, labor, anything that happens to your car, he will crack open your car and clean it the fuck out.

That's what it is. Go see Frankie at 9th Street Auto Collision. That's at 133 West Hills Road, Huntington Station. Cute fucking town. Here's the number. 631-351-5300. You should know it by heart. I know it the number, 631-351-5300. You should know it by heart. I know it by heart.

631-351-5300. Ninth Street Auto Collision out there on the island. It's what it is. And thank you for everyone who went to it. Oh, and shout out James L. Tucher. That's all he needs. Oh, yeah. That's all. He's so rich.

He's giving us money. Go to Stand Up New Yorkers Club and listen to his podcast. Me and Chris are about to be on it. Yeah, we're about to be on it. That episode's dropping shortly. It was great. It was nice to be in his apartment that he rents, which is beautiful. And he told me and Giannis we're stupid for buying.

Yeah, he did. Buying property. He said we're dumb fucks. So you can hear all about that on the podcast with James Altucher. It was really great. Yeah, go follow James Altucher on all socials. And also listen, he's a comedian too. He does comedy.

Yeah, it's just what it is. Who doesn't? Yeah. Patreon.com slash Bay Ridge Boys. These are the newest members of the matriarchy. Thank you guys so much for joining. As always, we'll read your names out. We will pick one PPW, Pseudo Penis of the Week, and we'll post your name on the Instagram.

Okay, start it off. Antonios, non-toot, tight glutes with a cute skin flute, stamatakos. Wow. Out of the gate with a banger. Greakest kid ever. Then we got Ghadira Devil in the form of a whore for Chrissy D. That's a goodie, but again, that's more of an offer. Then we got Samuel.

Here for the content, not me. Then we got Devin, black name, white frame. If I chew a claret in D, it's a ball game. Yeah. I mean, that's a favorite. I'm picking my favorites right now in the lead. Michael wants to be Tom Hardy to kiss Chris on the mouth. Reacher.

He took a swing. Yeah. Yeah. The perfect combination of FF and SS. Okay. Okie dokie. That one's a Wei Shung Shin. Okay.

And then we got Carmine Mwop Moretti. Go for it. He's funny. Yeah, it's what it is. Then we got the drip from a piece and said nothing, went back for round two. That's a funny one. Funny one, but illegal what you did. Yeah. No, he said he got the drip and he went back for round two.

He said he got the drip from somebody. He didn't care. He went back for round two. To hook up with the same piece. I thought you were spreading the drip. No, he doesn't care. Okay. Antonella, the screwed-in Jewish-Israeli with a vengeance Coronado. Yeah. I mean, that's the Jewish-Israeli with a vengeance Coronado. Yeah.

I mean, that's a Jewish tiger. That's what we call Brooklyn Mutt. Then we got Kevin, Father Ed Diddle, my weenie-sweenie. Okay. We got three are in contention. Dylan Conchan, Zachary Bulali, Lindsay, I Let the Gay Out, so now I can go straight to the back. Nice. Okay.

Thank you. Matt, Erica, Mikey, Hot Soapersetti, Key Bangers, Chrissy and the Carney Brothers are gay lovers, D. Yeah. How did he know the name? Okay. Oh. Oh, yeah. No, no. No, but that's... That's the fake name, right?

That's the fake name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Lance, put witch hazel in your mouth and turn my poop shoot into a toot flute. D. I mean, we got two flutes. Toot flute, skin flute, and toot flute. Nice. You guys got two flutes, skin flute. Jesse McMullen, FunkyMe21, Mikey Hot Glue, Demand Cave Couch Cushions Together Throwing Ropes.

Wow, we got four contenders. Nick K, Austin Maggie, Big JC2448, Evan Engelstein, Adobo, Cuzzy Kraken, Indonesian Muzzy Toot, Glutes with his brown glue flute. That's three flutes. Hilarious. Wow. Rob, the stepped out of the year, Dietrich. Jack Speedle.

Good ones. Andrew, the altar boy, a.k.a. Father Bill's lap toy, Harner. Father Bill's lap toy? Let's take a moment to appreciate that. Okay, yeah, let's read that one again. That's a good one. Andrew, the altar boy, a.k.a. Father Bill's lap toy, Harner. Call himself Father Bill's lap toy. Let's put him on the list.

Put him on the list. Brian Heiser. Oh, wow. He's a German kid. Sean, ladder 14, doesn't work in real life, so I got fired from my job. Okay. Hilarious. Just giving us a little bio.

Mikey Yaya's cookies, not Puerto Rican Rodriguez. Okie doke. She put a few things together. Ian Anderson. Here for the content. Luke Miller. Here for the content. Elijah Abulazam. Muzzy. Nice. Thank you. Here for the content. Elijah Abulazam.

Muzzy, nice. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you. We support you. James Gardner. Jay, I only crack open C-Town cashiers I meet at Banco Popular Moreno. This is a kid who saw the episode in the future.

Yeah, he somehow heard this episode already. Yeah. Kaya, dick me down during the day near the dead dog, DeAngelis. What the fuck is that? I don't know. But she's a wild one. That is a dark and wild one. Then we got Chris.

Then we got Jeff Wachenfeld. Gavin, I can't get hard if I don't have a stimulating convo with the boys, and that's what it is. That's a goodie. Yeah. Cuz he was, he was a muzzy. Yeah. That's the next one. Nice.

Good one. Tanner, from the south, Wuzzy was a muzzy. Yeah. That's the next one. Nice. Good one. Tanner from the South but never cleaned out my cousin Lipper. That's a good one. Fumed up pedo in the meadow. Pee-wee bum-bum Yanni makes me cum-cum. Put him on the list. Put him on the list. Okay.

Jevin Reekin blazed. Okay. Jevin Reekin blazed AIDS with a mouth ready for DeGaze Lopez. It's just too much. It's one word. I mean, but give him credit for the attempt. Yeah, I like it. Bill Nye the Pseudo-Peeney Guy, a.k.a.

DJ Skinny Peen, a.k.a. Andy Asperger's. Good one. He's on the fence. I like him. Yeah. Clyde Drexler. Bill Nye the Pseudo-Peeney Guy is funny. Yeah. Ludwin Gomez. fence. I like him. Yeah, Clyde Drexler. Bill Nye the Pseudopino guy is funny.

Yeah. Ludwin Gomez. Wow, Ludwin. Wow. Samson Lendich. Wow. Canadian Steel Pie Patty. We burnt the White House down once before.

Okay. Historical fact. Kevin Tim Dillon bottomed me out, Bence. Funny. Funny. I mean, he's dealing with heavy hitters before him. What is this? Zach Lawton.

Jay Stebbins. Sean the Salad Toss and Sauce Monkey, Suck My Dick from the Back, Balducci. Put him on the list. Balducci's the clan. I mean, Suck My Dick from the Back may be in the lead. Zeej, Squeeze My Pine Cone and Smash My Bean till the glue runs out. You put him on the list. Jesus Christ. Cody Casanova,

Sean Sutton, Rohan Oza, Daniel Lettieri, Thomas Malick. Follow at the Ice Cream Dave on Instagram. Not a character piece. It's marketing. It's a good one. Original. Nick, Alexandra Katsas. Yeah. Greek.

Katsas. Sorry. The. Katsas, sorry. The Greeks are coming now. The Kaliwas, but make no mistake, my parents are lying to me. Okay. Okay. Alex Nontoot, not a fruit, but will take... Sorry. Alex Nontoot, not a fruit, but will still take Chrissy's glue-gone asskin.

Good. It took a swig. Good. Clyde Drexler. Like him. Okay, we got a long list of goodies. All right. What do we got?

Zeed, squeeze, my pine cone, and my... Since mashed by a bean till the glue runs out. Good. Clyde Drexler. Like him. Okay, we got a long list of goodies. All right. What do we got? Zeed, Squeeze, my pine cone, and my... Since Smash might be into the glue runs out. Sean, the salad tossing monkey sucked my dick from the back palducci. Wow, that's tough. Fumed up pedo in the meadow. Pee-pee, bum-bum, yawning makes me cum-cum. That might be the winner. Tanner from the South, never cleaned out my cousin Lippert.

Gavin, I can't get hard if I don't have a stimulating convo with the boys and that's what it is. Jay, I only crack open C-Town cashiers. I meet at

Banco Popular Moreno. We might have to give it to him just for being a future from the future. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah.

And you've been to C-Town and Monkey Pop. Yeah, a bunch of times and Banco Popular. They're two fine establishments that I enjoy.

Yeah. And to the altar boy, a.k.a. Father Bill's laptop. Laptoy. Laptoy, yeah. A toboggan, kuzzy crack, and Indonesian muzzy toot. Glutes with his brown glue flute. Mikey hot glued the man cave couch fishing together, throwing ropes. Lance put witch hazel in your mouth and turn

my poop shoot into a toot flute D. Kevin, Father Ed diddled my weenie sweeney. Got the drip from a piece, said nothing, went back for round two. And Devin, black name, white frame, if I chew a cleric in D, it's a ball game. That's a goodie too. I'm going with

Yanni Yanni, come come, bum bum. I like Yanni Yanni, come come, bum bum. What do youanni Yanni Come Come Bum Bum. Is that everyone? What do you guys like? Yeah. All right. That's the winner. That's the winner. All right.

Everyone else, great job. Thank you guys so much. Historyhyenas.com, Christycomedy.com, YannisPapasComedy.com. Yes. Thanks for listening. Oh, spread the word. Tell your friends. Leave a review.

And leave a review on our iTunes. Yeah. It's going great. We love you guys. Tell your friends. Make more hyenas. And if anybody left a negative review on the iTunes, our hyenas, going great. We love you guys. Tell your friends. Make more hyenas. And if anybody left a negative review on the iTunes,

our hyenas, go tell them why they're wrong. Yeah, and go fuck yourself too. Absolutely. RIP Kobe. RIP Kobe. K-Yo! Oh!