History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas - 132 - Stocks are WILD!

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

James Altucher joins the Cuzzies once again to give insight on the stock market during it's quarantine fluctuations and how to avoid franks and beans mistakes! Want more Hyena content? Check out www.patreon.com/bayridgeboys where things get really WILD!Follow us!: 🙆🏼‍♂️🐕🙆🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♂️Chris Distefano on Instagram, Twitter, website🙆🏻‍♂️Yannis Pappas on Instagram, Twitter, website🐕History Hyenas on Instagram, Twitter, website Subscribe to the poddy woddy on YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, and HH ClipsThis episode is brought to you by Withings. www.withings.com/history

what's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of the History Hyenas. Chrissy coronavirus, pandemic pompous, and we got James Altucher, everyone, who's going to tell us that we're all going to die soon. Go, James. Yeah, we got James. The final episode of History Hyenas. It's an honor to be here.

Yeah. So, James, what are you? I mean, let's get right into it. I told you my daughter probably has it. You said she'll be fine, but you want me to give her a malaria drug. Well, you know what? Actually, you know what's really good? Hot tea. This one doctor was telling me the virus does not like really high temperatures. So hot tea, coffee, I'm drinking coffee and that helps. All right, great. What I've done, James, I started having some symptoms. I had some

sniffles and I had a little bit of scratchy throat. So what I did was I took a G.I. Joe figure and stuck it full up into my ass and I'm feeling better. Well, do you think we can announce the cure? Did you take out life insurance? I didn't take out life insurance, but I do have a full G.I. Joe toy all the way in my asshole. Yeah. And what happened? You know, you get the strength of gi joe you get his immunity i noticed too i've noticed too that every time my daughter's coughing and having her fever sometimes i give her the medicine it works but i notice 100 of time what does work is i start playing the national anthem at full volume all her symptoms gone yeah there you go you're she's

a true patriot that's it puerto rico vlog is the 51st state after this. It is. It is. Yeah. So now, James, James, what what are Jewish households doing right now? Because now that everyone's kind of acting paranoid of germs, are we all now Jewish? You know, I think we all I'm I want to get coronavirus because then I want to get the t-shirt. I got coronavirus and all I got was this lousy t-shirt afterwards. It feels like, because it feels like only, I'm wondering if there's a correlation between the coronavirus and foreskin

because it seems like anyone who's circumcised can't get it. I'm not beyond wood. I was circumcised twice, they told me. So, you know, I'm extra protected. How long do you think it's going to take before everyone starts blaming the Jews for this?

You know, it's interesting because we're already blaming entire countries, right? So there's got to be a scapegoat sooner or later. Maybe in another few weeks after it's got to, there's got to be a scapegoat sooner or later, maybe, maybe in another few weeks after it's all over. After everybody goes bankrupt on Main Street, unfortunately. Yeah, well, that's what we want to talk about. We want, we're going to call this episode Stocks are Wild because, you know, we know that, you know, you obviously have so much information,

talking to your doctor friends and friends in the infectious disease world, but your thing, what you know is stocks. So what do you think, what can we tell people about their money? Well, you know, I think the main thing is two things. One is, first off, it's really sad. This is going to affect the economy in a huge way. I mean, next quarter, let's say the economic data for April, May, June is gonna be horrible. Like the worst since the Great Depression or worse than the financial crisis.

But then after that, I've never I've never seen like it's like the Federal Reserve government is just dropping trillions of dollars on the economy. I've never seen this kind of economic stimulus. I've never seen this kind of economic stimulus. So what's going to happen is, and just to take the shortcut, what's going to happen is towards the end of Q3, like around August, September, all the way through 2021, there's going to be massive boost to the economy, no matter what happens at the end of this. And this will end. I think it's important to realize that this is going to end. Every pandemic in history has a lifespan, and this will probably end by, let's say, June or July,

and probably the peak will be around sometime in April, mid-April to late April. It's going to end, and when it does end, everyone's going to be feeling broke. They're going to be feeling unemployed. The data is going to be horrible. That's probably the right time to buy stocks because what's going to happen? There's about $5 trillion of stimulus going through this economy. The entire global economy is $50 trillion. And you might have up to eventually $10 trillion going into the U.S. That's going to have this enormous effect over the next year.

We're all going to feel this rush of money. The money has to be spent. So people are going to buy homes. People are going to buy stocks. Companies are going to hire people back. Companies are going to innovate. And then the world's going to change too. People are going to realize, oh, I don't have to spend $70,000 a year anymore going to college. I can just do remote learning. I don't have to fly to meetings. I can do video conferences. The entire world is going to change. Delivery services are going to change. The way we consume, go to restaurants and go to outdoor events is going to change. Travel is going to change. So many industries, robotics is going to change. We're using robots now to disinfect all the surfaces at Walmart and

hospitals and so on. So many industries are going to change. But these trillions of dollars are going to flow into the stock market. Just don't go crazy right now. People say, oh, the stock market went up 10% the other day. That's a bad sign. The whole world economy doesn't change 10% in one day, either up or down. So wait until it stops going 10% up, 10% down, 5% up, 5% down, wait till it calms down. And then that's what there's still going to be opportunities. Everyone's afraid I'm going to miss opportunity or should I sell everything? Just don't do it. When everyone's panicking, that's the time for you to do the opposite of what they're doing and which is right now is to do nothing so you think as long as so just whatever people

the money that they have in the stock market just wait it out you think it's already the stock market's already a third down 33 percent down the worst is baked in. I mean, right now, the stock market is predicting a great depression, which is impossible to happen. People don't remember. In 1929, 1930, 1931, the government actually took money out of the economy because they thought that would make people save money more. But now the government is putting trillions of dollars into the economy. They're doing the opposite. They're doing what they did times three in 2009 when they were trying to save the economy. So now they're putting so much money into the economy. Again, people will say, oh, this, you know, it feels horrible. Like my store, my restaurant, my bar is going out of business. I

was laid off. That's horrible. It's tragic. But that's why they're going to just literally parachute in trillions of dollars, not only to the banks, they're writing checks directly to people. Everyone's getting whatever, $1,200, $2,000, whatever it is. And they're going to start lending money to small businesses. They're deferring taxes. This doesn't matter so much, but they cut interest rates almost to zero. There's nothing to stop this economy from going straight up once this pandemic ends. And that's something, it will end sooner rather than later. I know you're a guy that hates mortgages, and I understand why, but I've been getting

emails from real estate agents left and right telling me to refinance my mortgage right now because of that 0%. You think that's a good idea for people that own a home or they shouldn't? Yeah, absolutely. Refinance your mortgage. Cash is king, right? So get as much cash out of your house as possible. Refinance your mortgage at 0% interest rates. Have as much cash in the bank account as possible because we don't, again, we don't know what's

going to happen and cash is king. There's a lot of things we don't know. The only thing we really do know is that interest rates are low enough so that you should consolidate your credit cards, I don't know, to take out a loan to pay off taxes, refinance your mortgage, but keep as much cash as possible. And the other thing is, don't buy, don't sell in the stock market. Just wait. There's nothing, even like right now, the stock market is a third down. Even if it's only 20% down, you haven't missed out. There are so many opportunities right now in the stock market. We just don't know when this period is going to end. Like the news is certainly going to get worse before it gets better. There's going to be more deaths tomorrow than today, more deaths the day after that than tomorrow.

And everyone's going to panic in one way or the other for the next two, three, four weeks. And then you're going to start to feel the rumblings of that stimulus that's hitting the economy. And, you know, so again, I can't even say enough. Like so much money is going to flood the economy. We've never seen anything like this by September or October. We're going to start to really see it. People are going to start. Companies are going to start investing. Employees are going to get rehired. There's going to be all this pent up demand because none of us are buying our usual things. Like we're not going to any stores. We're not traveling. So there's going to be pent up demand.

And so all of these things combined, we're going to have a buying surge around October, November, December, and then all through 2021. That's eventually going to go into the stock market. I would start buying, you know, if I were considering this, I would consider going heavy in the stock market in May. But if you own stocks already, just don't do anything right now. And don't panic. That's the worst thing you could do for your money is to panic. Believe me, because I've gone broke panicking several times. I'm an expert at panic. Do you think it's a good time right now for Bay Ridge Boys LLC to go public? Should we announce public, me and Chris's company? Because our valuation, I think I'm valuing us at $40 million.

I think, Giannis, you look like you have coronavirus back there anyway. So I think we got to see if you recover. I don't think, have you left that room in the past two weeks? I only left it to make some huge mistakes, one of which is buying a Tesla. Is it a good time to buy a Tesla? to make some huge mistakes, one of which is buying a Tesla. Is it a good time to buy a Tesla? It's probably not a good time to buy anything because I feel like, I don't know, I feel like everything's going to be, feel like it's free in a few months. So I have not, my kids bought like sugary, they bought like they courted sugary cereal. I sent them out to get groceries and all

they came back with was cereal. So I'm like, what about meat and fruit and foods? And they're like, no, no, we can survive on this. So everyone's going to gain the coronavirus 10. You're right. I know. Yeah, that's sound advice. So basically, just if you have money in the market, hold it. Don't buy now.

Buy in May is what you're saying. You pick May. Now, buy in May is what you're saying. You pick May. Buy when there's still opportunity and people aren't panicking. Here's one stupid thing that's happening in the stock market right now. So what are we using to do this podcast? We're using Zoom, right?

Yeah. And also reminders from Benetia. Benetia is obviously not public, although she's a public personality now. But, right, why don't you put her on Patreon? For everybody who reads a certain tier on Patreon, they get to see more minutes of Venetia.

You've yet to pull out your ace in the hole there. I love it. I gave you guys an easy layup with ace in the hole. I don't know. I don't know what you're doing. Well, I'm slowed down by the Corona. I'm sorry. Yeah. You got Corona. Chris James. Let me ask you this, James, in your opinion, because I know obviously, you know, you gave us such great sound advice on the stocks and all that. And then, but you've also, you know, you've got so many friends in high places that are, you know,

know so much about this. When do they think, or when do you think life, normal life will start to return like a resemblance of it, like people will be outside going to work again? I would say so here's what here's what I think is going to happen is that between April 15th and the end of April, hopefully close to April 15th, we'll start to see the number of cases per day go down because that's when the peak of the virus will probably hit if you look at China or South Korea. And then, but I don't think, like look at Wuhan right now, they're just starting to get to work after about two months of lockdown. They're first now being allowed out of the house.

So, and look, China is trying to get back to normal. Apple, for instance, opened up their 42 stores in China. In Wuhan, they closed down the last coronavirus hospital that they had built because there's no new cases. So things are going to get back to normal. I would say here around July or June, maybe even a little earlier, like maybe towards end of May, but June, July, things will get back to normal. But the problem is Main Street is out of business.

If you are a restaurant or a bar or a comedy club, you're going to have a hard time making the rent. You've been two months closed. So I think there's got to be a lot of stimulus for small businesses. I haven't heard that yet. But I don't think things are going to be back to real normal until next year. Although I do think the stock market goes up before things are back to normal. That's why around May, June, the stock market will start to go up. And around June, July, people are going to be going back to work. And then starting around September, October, that's when we're all going to feel like an injection of some kind of like cocaine or something in the economy. The economy is going to be boosted artificially so hard that we can't even imagine.

But I'll give you an example, though, of how insane things are. Like we're using Zoom technologies to do this podcast right now. There are two companies named Zoom on the stock market. They're both up huge, huge. One has gone from 1 to 14. The other one has gone up like 50% or 60%. One of those companies is fake. It actually is not a real company. It just happens to be named Zoom. But people are investing in it. They think it's this Zoom. And so everyone's crazy now. And you don't want to get in the road when crazy people are driving around. It's like walking in the middle of the street on new year's eve or something right it's like

driving in wuhan it's like driving in wuhan it's like it's like damn chinese on the road it's like going to a parade in wuhan in january it's like going to like a strip club in wuhan and like getting your hands all dirty well do you believe james do you believe because some people i've noticed a couple of things even on cnn the the very liberal, you know, broadcast, I would say, but like China claims, or they claim this or claim that. When they start saying that, I get a little nervous. I'm like, you know, now they're calling China kind of liars, and that could be a problem. Do you think anything of that? Yeah, because every time, like, look, China's got 2 billion people in it, and the reported, the reported deaths are only, only about 3,200.

Now, every death is tragic. But if I mention that, people say, oh, well, they underreported. That's misinformation. It's like, OK, let's just say it was 100,000. We have six times less or seven times less people in China. Divide by six. OK, all deaths are bad, but then it looks like flu season if you just do that kind of math. But I'm encouraged by the fact that Apple has opened up all their stores in China because Apple wouldn't put their employees at risk for just 42 stores unless

they themselves were confirming. And also right now, the U.S. government is basically in China kind of working with them and helping. So I think now the data is a little better than it was in January or February. Now the data is a little bit more reliable. Now, the one conspiracy floating around is that Tom Hanks doesn't really have Corona, it's just he's a pedophile. What do you think of that? Well, Tom Hanks was just, he just got out of the hospital. So yeah, yeah. So Australia was like his Epstein Island, I guess guess and now he's done he's he and he and rita wilson are out he's going to star in philadelphia too

here's the question he's fired he started to get worried like i was worried a few weeks ago i was on a plane and i had a sore throat i was worried people were going to like throw me off the plane because everyone was sort of looking at me while I was coughing. Well, that's interesting you bring that up, too, because honestly, we're talking about this before. People are like, oh, I think I had coronavirus in December. I had a two week coughing fit. And it's like that's probably not true, because if coronavirus was around in December, you would have all these people dying and getting and your whole house getting infected and they weren't. So it feels like it started here when the government said it started here.

Yeah, and it's also really unclear how many people, what the real fatality rate is, because we don't know how many people are asymptomatic. We're not even testing most of the people who actually have symptoms. We're testing zero people who have no symptoms. So I saw one theory that there might be up to 95% people asymptomatic, which makes the fatality rate one-tw 20th of what people think they are. So and yeah, everybody in my house had this weird coughing fit in December, January. We really don't know anything about this virus. And you're right.

Like, who knows if we had all stopped looking at social media, maybe we'd all have the flu for a little bit and then it would go away we just don't know and you take italy 99 of the fatalities in italy are from people with pre-existing conditions or the elderly and that's sad and that's tragic but it's not we've become so alarmist and look who knows i feel social distancing is good but everyone's got this mass hysteria now. Now people are afraid about their money and the economic, and I am as well. And it's important to just, this is the most important time to keep calm for just a few weeks, and then we'll start to get data about the U.S. and we'll start to feel better. What the market really hates more than this disease is uncertainty. And so that's why they're putting the stimulus in. But we don't have good data. We're not going to have good data on the virus now for a few weeks. It's sort of a shame about

the hysteria. I don't know what they're doing to me, but I just feel so bad that at night, everyone's calling me hysterical. Well, James, I got to be honest with you. You make me peeing. After listening to you, I'm a little horned uped up well you know i i don't like to be uh i don't want to spread any like fake news or anything but this the pandemic will end and and it's going to be sad like we all know people now who have it i don't know anybody who has it that isn't recovering i up until the 70s but uh it it's it's scary like we all grew up watching and our kids watch these teenage dystopian movies. And so it sort of feels like we're playing one of those out and we have to play it out to the ends when we all die.

And I am legends. All is left. Well, that's why I was that's why it was important for me. That's why it was important for me to, you know, to have you on, in my opinion, because, you know, CNN, they're never going to have you on because they want people. They want the dystopian stuff. They don't want you know, I noticed an article never going to have you on because they want people, they want the dystopian stuff. They don't want, you know, I noticed an article, just the way it's headed in the New York Post, just the headline, it said, person an hour dies in New York State. It's like, so 24 people? Like 24 people doesn't sound as dooming as a person an hour has died. So it's like they're instilling this fear where if they had you on, people would be like, wait a second,

this guy sounds hopeful, but that doesn't sell any tickets. Only for us it does. Right, and look, we're taking precautions. Everyone in my family is self-quarantining and so on. And people are clearly dying from this. But what they're not saying in the media is that this will end

and we actually don't know how well quarantining works. But the fatality rate, I saw one article said there might be up to 14 million deaths. That is completely insane. Like if you just look at the data from South Korea, the data from the cruise ship, the Princess Cruise or the Diamond Cruise that was quarantined, the death rate is going to be so much smaller than they're predicting. I'm willing to bet. I mean, it's horrible to bet on deaths, but certainly we're not going to have the extreme numbers that they're talking about.

We're going to have one tiny percentage of that. And the whole thing is going to peak in probably three or four weeks top. So we'll see. But going back to normal, though, I think everyone got so scared. And every business is going to be in trouble. So it's going to need stimulus. The stimulus is coming. And that's going to surge the economy.

And look at oil stocks. Royal Dutch Shell is a great example. And I don't mean to talk so specifically. And I'm not recommending anything. I'm not buying anything. I'm not doing anything, but Royal Dutch Shell has fallen from 66 to 25. It's one of the biggest oil companies in the world. They give a 15% dividend. How much money do you get in your savings account? Like what percentage do you make in your savings account? 0%. I was going to say, yeah, 0.01%, nothing.

Right. So imagine if you invest in a solid company, like one of the biggest oil companies in the world, and they give a 15% dividend. Like, companies are, stocks are a bargain. I just wouldn't buy yet because I don't like to get in the middle of a train wreck. And right now, it's a big train wreck out there. But they will be a buy. The economy is going to be better, but it's going to take a out there. But they will be a buy. The economy is going to be better, but it's going to take a while. It's going to look much worse until it

gets better. The moment when it looks the worst, that's when you should be buying. And it's going to get better by the end of the year. The economy is going to be bigger than all-time highs by the end of the year, just by the math of it. You add $10 trillion to an economy, that's almost ridiculous. I'd almost be worried about inflation inflation except people are so scared about buying they're not gonna there's not gonna be any inflation either it's like viagra for the economy it's like viagra viagra but imagine if it lasts for like six months instead of whatever it's like what do you how do you think this is how do you think this uh how do you think this is gonna affect trump's re-election you think he's gonna be a hero or a villain?

And choose your words carefully, because I'll come over there and beat your ass, you human spore. I think already, there's something called a prediction market where you can bet on real world events. And you could bet if Trump's going to win or not. You could bet how many tweets Trump's going to make. It's called predicted.org. And I placed a bet. probably a no-brainer that Trump wins. I'm a little concerned, not concerned, but he's talking so positively about Cuomo. Who knows if Biden drops out because Biden is senile and has dementia, clearly. What if Biden drops out and Cuomo comes in?

That might be a battle. But Trump's the one who's dealing with this now. I was going to say, because I love the way Cuomo is handling it. Every time de Blasio comes in, people are panicking with fear. And I'm like, get this guy off. But when Cuomo, I don't know if you saw his press conference today, he showed the numbers of the flu. He was like, here's what the flu does and how much worse it is than coronavirus.

He just, he outwardly said what everyone was thinking. He's like, why doesn't people say, cause doctors are like, yeah, the flu is worse. Still the regular flu is worse. And Cuomo put the statistics up today. And we were like, I was like, holy shit. Like nobody else would have said that. And then I also think the only, so I agree with you on that. But the only thing I have to say with Trump is what if the, what if Biden, let's say he stays in, all he really has to say is how come Taiwan and South Korea and all these other countries didn't have to shut down their economies and they were able to flatten the curve? You didn't get ahead of this. And that works against them. The answer is that, though, is they've dealt with this at least two or three times before

with SARS, avian flu, and bird flu, not to mention there was a flu in 1957 called Asian flu, which killed a million and a half people worldwide. In 1968, there was Hong Kong flu, which also killed millions of people. They know how to deal with this. We just never dealt with it. But now, who comes up with the fastest vaccine? We're coming up with it. Who comes up with the fastest cures? We're coming up with it. Who's going to start 3D printing ventilators? We will. So now that- Now, when you say we, do you mean Americans or the Jews? Yeah, I mean, not me personally, but like Americans, yeah.

Oh, no, okay. I was sure if you meant Americans or the Jews, because when you say we, I'm like, who are you? What are you talking about? Well, clearly the Jews are behind it all. So we needed to sell more ventilators and vaccines and so on. You know, we had to to boost up our savings. Isn't there a Canadian research team that's close to coming up with a vaccine? There's like 20 different teams now coming up with vaccines. So there's everything from, honestly, Israel to the U.S. to Canada. Everybody's working on vaccines.

Everyone's working on cures. It's going to happen. That's another optimistic thing that's going to happen. And, you know, we just have to be, there's some people out there who think this is going to be forever. Like it's 18 months of quarantine. Stuff like that is just fear mongering and is insane and does not help the problem. And the problem right now is Main Street is going out of business and we have to have

good health care for the elderly people who are getting sick. Because he was, he's, I used to listen to his training during this quarantine. We're gonna take a moment to shout out some of our sponsors. All right. So, you know, I've been quarantined here, Yanni babies, and I'm just, I'm done. I'm done thinking about having the perfect beach body. That's just, that's not what you need in a quarantine. The truth is carrying too much weight. It increases high blood pressure and heart attacks and sleep napping and joint pain and all that stuff, which can lead to diabetes. But I'm just done thinking about having the perfect, perfect, perfect beach body. All I want to do, baby,

is lower my weight by five to 10% because that's going to decrease my health risk. And that's what I really need right now. And the only thing that's going to help me do that is with it. Yanni? Yeah. I mean, especially right now, because everyone's quarantined and we're eating too much because we're stress eating. You got it. You got to get your scale out. You got to get busy. Yeah. And you step on that withing smart scale like the cutie that you are.

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Withings, baby, I love it. You get 25% off body plus body composition, Wi-Fi smart scale at withings.com slash history. body composition, Wi-Fi smart scale at withings.com slash history. That's W-I-T-H-I-N-G-S.com backslash history. You get 25% off, baby. 25% off if you just go there and you go W-I-T-H-I-N-G-S.com backslash history. You got to go get it today. I mean, what do you say, Yanni? Yes? I say absolutely go get it. Go get it right now. It's a great investment. I have one. It also tells you what the weather is when you look down. You can look at your penis and see the weather at the same time. Go get one

right now. Yes. Take control of your full body composition, weight trend, and everything you want to do, and it'll just be better, baby. Quarantine. The time. Since we're in quarantine, the only thing that's going to make this better and easier is the Withings scale. Go get one right now for your quarantine. And now back to the show. But, yeah, you know, everyone was worried about this because it looked like it was going exponentially.

And it does go exponentially for the first six weeks from starting from zero but after that you can't go exponential forever that's everybody's math model is wrong who's predicting 14 million deaths you can't nothing grows exponentially in real life forever so this is just ridiculous all the all the numbers people are throwing out there yeah well i have i have a question i have a question i want to ask do you you think, James, that this is going to like is going to be a big victory for for science again, because science has been under attack in so many fields, scientists, everyone's questioning scientists. And now this is a time where we need, you know, Western medicine. We need a vaccine. We need scientists. We need doctors. They're all heroes right now.

Do you think that after this, the questioning and sort of the truth up for grabs culture that we've been living in is going to be on the decline? Well, I don't know. I don't know if science, I don't know if science was so much the problem. I mean, look at even Trump is going, he's not saying the government is going to, he's not saying the government is going to solve, come up with a vaccine and a cure. He's looking to private companies to do it. And again, trillions of dollars are going to go into the private sector. And they're all going to, you know, make so many, you know, telemedicine is going to be big. Robotics is going to be big. Drones are going to be big. Biotech with vaccines. If anything, the one thing getting in the way of a cure right now is the government with the FDA. You have to go through 18 months of trials. My guess is they're going to sort of restrict the FDA so it doesn't block all these potential drugs. Like if some guy's on a ventilator and has two days left to live, give the guy a cure. Don't wait for the FDA to approve it or not. So I think, if anything, this will slow the government down in terms of restricting how these drugs get rolled out.

But I'm saying, well, people have more of a respect for science because they need scientists right now to come up with a vaccine. Yeah. I mean, although I don't know if people were really scared of science before, but absolutely. And look, vaccines and drugs and all those things are being tested right now. So I hope people respect science more. Except for climate scientists, because those guys are shills. They're shills for government money. Yeah. I mean, look, my kids, I have five kids. And for a year, they've been complaining to me about climate change. I have not heard one thing about climate change since this lockdown began. They're doing two things. They're watching pandemic dystopian movies, and they're doing TikTok videos. All these little

kids are running around doing TikTok videos right now. James, are you still going to eat at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas? I ordered Chinese delivery yesterday. So I love Chinese food. I want to go down in flames eating Wuhan province food. Yes. We should all open up a restaurant and just call it Wuhan. Yeah. I think the three of us should get on a plane and we should just fly to wuhan for vacation in solidarity with the people of wuhan that i didn't even know existed until this happened wait i think we've been planning a good history hyenas tour for you guys first we're gonna go to greenland then we're gonna go to wuhan and then uh then probably milan italy where there's a lot of desks. That's where we can get nice clothes or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm down to do that. And as long as you pay for it, like you did pay for the cartoon. Oh, yeah, yeah. You guys like that cartoon? Yeah. We found out when you dropped about 10K on that. I hope I didn't say that.

Yeah, I think you did, but it's too late now, so thanks. Yeah. You're welcome to it. Have fun with it. You put it up, right? It's History of Hyenas and the Crusades. Oh, yeah. We put it up everywhere.

We absolutely loved it. Yeah. I'll tell you one story. In 2009, I lived right across the street from the New York Stock Exchange. I could look out my window, and there was the New York Stock Exchange. And the market was at a low. First off, CNBC, you're right. CNBC stopped having me on the network because I was too optimistic.

I was very optimistic, and they only wanted pessimists. They only wanted to scare you. I even heard from a producer once, we're just trying to fill up the space between ad spots. And the way they do it is to scare you. But I saw everybody so depressed going into the New York Stock Exchange. And so what I did was I bought like five bags of Hershey's chocolates and I stood outside the New York Stock Exchange and I handed a chocolate to everybody going into the stock exchange because chocolate makes you feel like taking risks a little more. It boosts your oxytocin levels. And I swear to God, I am not

kidding. That was March 9th, 2009. And the market went straight up after that. So you could thank me for saving the global economy in 2009, and we should all start, lesson is, we should all start handing out chocolates to our friends. Were they Hershey Kisses? They were Hershey's Kisses, yes. And so people would be looking at the ground, I'd give them a kiss, literally, and they'd be happy again.

That's probably the best commercial for Hershey's Kiss that has ever been conceived. Brought to you by our sponsor, Hershey's Kisses. Brought to you by our sponsor, Hershey's Kisses. Brought to you by our sponsor, Hershey's Kisses. That's amazing. That's a true. You really, so you really believe that had something to do with it? Well, all I can say, it was literally the morning of March 9th.

I wrote about it in my book even. And it's not bragging if it's true. So it's true. Now, James, why don't, oh it's true. James, what if... Oh, go ahead. No, go ahead, go ahead. No, I was going to say you being the owner of a comedy club, I mean, what are you guys thinking with the comedy club?

You think, what are your projections on when normal shows can start? I mean, it's an inside comedy question, but we've got a lot of comedy fans that listen. I think it's a good example of every store and restaurant and bar. Most stores and restaurants and so on, if they're not part of a chain, they only have enough money to last from month to month. And so if you close down these stores for two months, they're almost all out of business. Stand Up New York probably would be out of business in a month or two. But I do think there's stimulus coming for small businesses.

I think rent is being deferred now. You're not allowed to be evicted. And my guess is they'll have stimulus for landlords so they get their rent on time. And so as long as that, we're going to have to see what the full stimulus package is. But again, there's going to be at least $6 trillion to $10 trillion of extra money in the economy. And to put that in perspective, there's only like $15 trillion in the economy. So to put another $6 trillion in is unbelievable. It's never been done before. And the economy is going to be on fire from it as long as people don't panic now. I sort of feel like everybody's lining up around the corner for guns. A friend of mine's in the gun business, has a gun store, sold the most guns ever

yesterday. I believe it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so the key is not to panic, but people are panicking. People are panicking. And that's my only worry is that, you know, we've got another, at least another three to four weeks of bad news coming. And the data is not going to look good. There's going to be more cases every day. And then it's going to start to die down. But think about a week ago. A week ago, we were still going out to eat on a Saturday morning. Now, Giannis, it looks like you've been in your bed for like eight days straight. Yeah, Giannis has got a less than 10% clean ass. That's for sure. Yeah. My, my, my, my ass and my phone are at 7% right now. Yeah. And they're going down in lockstep. They're going down in lockstep. Well, James, I mean, this has been, I mean, everybody's got to

listen to this episode if they just want to calm the fuck down. Yeah, because it's amazing to me. Nobody really knows that pandemics don't last forever. Nobody really knows that in Wuhan, they're shutting down the hospitals because there's no new cases. Nobody really knows that, you know, in Italy, 99% of the fatalities are from people who have pre-existing conditions, which is horrible, but it puts it in perspective. Nobody really understands that, you know, we're starting to treat people. So even people in their hundreds have been recovering from this. So there's more recoveries than ever. So on the whole, and there's companies that are trying to 3D print ventilators, that are companies that are racing to finish a vaccine, finish a cure. So there's so much being worked on.

This is really, and the stimulus is going to be, has already so far much unbelievable that actually economists are scared that it's too much and that there'll be inflation. But I don't believe that there will be inflation. And I am scared for Main Street. I hope people don't panic in the streets while this is happening. And how about the ordinary person who doesn't have enough money to invest in the stock in any substantial way, whose job has been put on hiatus now? What should they be thinking and feeling right now? Well, they're very scared because I talk to a lot of people from all over the place. They're very scared. And two things. One is they're going

to get a check next week. If you're a family of four, you're probably going to get a check for around, you know, three to four thousand dollars. Your rent and your mortgage is deferred. You're not going anywhere. So you're going to get enough money to get food and to survive. And maybe you'll get that check again the next month or the next month. And then, you know, with so much stimulus, it's not the stocks are the last thing that go up in a stimulus. First, companies will be hiring and rehiring. Companies will be investing in new business. No one wants to hold on to cash. Companies want to invest the money.

So that means they'll be hiring people. We'll see what kind of small businesses will take out loans at 0% interest rates to catch up on their rent and so on. So I would say, again, don't panic. If you don't use this period to learn at least one new skill, then you kind of screwed up during this time. As long as you're feeling healthy, learn a new skill, spend time with your family, do things that you don't have time to do.

I think most people are probably really upset that they have to spend time with their family right now. Like, you know, thank God we all love our families and enjoy it. But I know people who are miserable right now. That's the real panic I'm seeing. Well, I was telling Giannis, it's funny because I was telling Giannis the other day, like, you know, obviously, like, I want to be out and do all that. But like being forced to not do anything, being forced to not do three or four shows or go take meetings or do podcasts or run here or run there or, you know, go to the gym. It's like just to sit and relax and not have anything to do, I think is actually better for my health than, you know, when, than when there was no coronavirus. Absolutely. Like now's the time to get things done, to focus on writing for a community focus on writing new

material uh you know it's but it's fast it's funny how fast things change like two weeks ago i was in sunday or saturday two weeks ago i was in the netherlands doing a show in amsterdam and now the entire world is on complete lockdown and uh it's i think what's most frightening is that every day you don't know at night what new changes all of a sudden, oh, you have to wear a straitjacket when you walk outside. You don't know what new restrictions are going to happen. And I wish they had just done it all up front, but it is what it is. And again, the key is I would just not watch news at night. I've stopped watching news at night because most of it is sensationalist.

And just like you say, a death an hour in New York. I saw that headline, too. There's probably a traffic death per hour also in New York. So who knows? Yeah. Our friend, our good friend, our good friend of the show, who's who leads an emergency room in Chicago, was saying there'll be more gang related deaths in Chicago than coronavirus deaths this summer. I guarantee you that. Yeah. I mean, a friend of mine sent me a photo of the ER where he works at. And the beds, they had set up a whole room for coronavirus. It was all empty.

Now, I do think it will fill up. But then I think this starts to go down. I think this starts to go down between April 15th and April 20th. We'll start to see cases per day start to stabilize and then go down. And then we'll feel better. And then we'll realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel and we'll start to get ready to go back to work. And we'll regret that we didn't use this time to read, to learn new skills, to spend. If you were writing a book before this, but you never had time, and if you end up not writing your book you never wanted to write a book like this is your time everything not there's no more excuses the only how many how many times have you been jerking off a day i think a lot of people are

jerking off a lot well i love my wife so you know and she's she's she's always ready willing and receptive as amazing as it is look at me as amazing as it is, look at me. As amazing as it is. You're a cute fucking kid. Look. I feel bad for, honestly, people who, big celebrations in their life. What about the bride right now who has to cancel her wedding? Or the funeral that nobody can go to the morning of death? Or the bar mitzvah where the rabbi can't even suck the kid's dick

after you circumcise them because it's social distancing. What are you supposed to do? Well, the good thing is that we're all going through it. My daughter had to cancel her 18th birthday party, and so what? Nobody's thinking about them. Nobody's thinking about the rabb's thinking about the rabbis yeah i'm not sure i'm not sure rabbis are the ones with the reputations of sucking kids dicks but i'll go with it uh yeah yeah what are the priests supposed to do how they supposed to eat the Catholic priest

i think the good news is all the priests and the rabbis, we're all in it together right now. So you can just say, well, at least, at least so-and-so down the block is not eating dick. So, okay. I understand now it's not just me. We're all kind of in it together. And that's a positive thing as well as a, as a society, we're all not eating dick right now. Yeah. I mean, the positive right now is obviously the pollution's down, nature's recovering, there's dolphins in Venice,

and also there's a lot of Catholic kids who are not getting fucked right now because of social distancing. So there's always a silver lining. Always a silver lining. And I now have an excuse. I was able to get out of so many meetings and trips. It is, I hate going outside.

This is like, look, we get to do this podcast remotely now. Like this is like a dream come true. Yeah, and you've always looked like a guy who just survived a pandemic. That's always just your look. You got wild hair, you got a wild look. So I trust you more than anybody. I've been preparing all my life for this moment.

I've been preparing all my life. Your hair looks like you're just you're just exiting a pandemic that's the time yeah you know what james looks like to me his hair looks like he like he just took off the scuba suit that's what it looks like like yeah you know it's funny like people people do like just because of the way i look people do people stopped me on the street a week ago. What did you think of this coronavirus? I was total strangers, like just going up to me in the street because of the way I look.

I look like I know the answers. Well, I know that's good for you. That's good for you because two months ago, people would stop you on the street and just punch you in the stomach for no reason. Or people stopped me on the street and gave me a dollar and told me to buy a coffee. Yeah.

Yeah. You look like you just got out of a mascot uniform. Like you're a mascot and you just took it off. Or people think I'm like in the mathletes competition wherever that is. I would go on CNBC and the only

comments that would be on YouTube was who let this homeless guy, why do they keep letting this homeless guy on CNBC? That was me and Giannis. You got Albert Einstein here. James, what about I heard that Stand Up New York, I got a message from the booker

of Stand Up New York the other day asking me if I wanted to do a 15-minute set for $25, and I gave him a hard, clear no, but what can is your club going to stay open uh you know obviously with no audience and like live stream stuff yeah they're live streaming stuff but you know I don't know I don't know I mean look I'll support whatever they do and and I think they're gonna rise and fall like anybody else but I don't know how useful it is

for comedians to do like I could watch YouTube videos of comedy like I don't know how useful it is for comedians to do. I could watch YouTube videos of comedy. Like, I don't know how useful it is for comedians to do live stream. Like, do you feel like you'll improve as a comedian if you live stream? You could just do that at home. Yeah, no, this is more entertaining than some of the bullshit that's going on when people are live streaming their comedy shows. It's like, just be in the moment. I don't think people want these fake comedy clubs with no audience. It's like this is I think they want this a guy like you who's telling the truth and then us peppering jokes that would get us fired if we were on regular television. Exactly. Or even just the peppering jokes, because it's good for people to be optimistic. And but also, you know, no kind of both sides of the news. But look, we should just laugh like my kids just keep wanting to watch contagion outbreak pandemic all these like crazy shows and i'm like let's just put on uh louis or the

jim gaffigan show or whatever yeah i mean what history i mean it's on youtube or on youtube believe it or not we were just watching watching that this morning really nice quarantine your episode is crushing it by the way People love you and people are saying People are saying how funny you are So you're just a regular on the History Hyenas now You're on the regular People are saying You're so funny and everybody wants to know

What your wife looks like Next time she can come on Or you guys gotta come back on The James Altucher Show And we'll talk history You've been banging her out next time she can come on or you guys got to come back on the James Altucher show and we'll talk history. You've been banging around all quarantine.

I'll live stream that but I'll just keep my face out of the picture. Yeah. What do you think the over on the talk about bets? What do you think the over how many divorces you think are going to happen because wives are forcing their husbands to watch the fucking bachelorette oh my god or how many had a fucking up a glee in the bachelorette my wife is right here i'm yelling it and how many

people were were cheating on their spouses and now they're really upset they have to spend all their time with their spouses and they can't get out to see who their mistress like i think how about how about chaos how about the guy guy from England I saw in the paper? He cheated on his wife in Italy and came back with the coronavirus. It's like a sexually transmitted disease now, too. Yeah, I know. Well, now it's like if people get an STD, STD results are like positive chlamydia, positive AIDS, negative coronavirus.

Yes. Right. At least there's cures or cures for the symptoms for all that. Yeah. I mean, somebody's got to start a GoFundMe for all the Gumars out there because they're out of business right now. Yeah. Everybody's out of business.

Like everybody is going to go out of business. The average American has $400 in savings, which is why I'm glad they're doing this stimulus. I'm always in favor of stimulus, but this stimulus, again, is so big, it's scary. So once things do come back to normal, people should just have their hands out and figure out how to make more money, because the money is going to be in the economy. I think I'm going to go down to Washington, D.C. right now with my potato sack and put Dr. Anthony Fauci right in that little squeak son of a bitch and bring him back to New York and have him get on the podcast. He should come on. He was just on. Oh, Mark Zuckerberg just had him on Facebook Live.

I mean, that guy is so small, though. I mean, can we get a bigger doctor? He's a squeak. He's Italian and everything. Like, who would have thought a non-Jewish doctor would be leading the whole country on this? I know. Listen, the Italians were back, baby, even though I'm German. the whole country on this. Listen, the Italians were back, baby, even though I'm German.

Speaking of Italians, I got a question to ask you, James. Now, my wife is Sicilian, so if I got a gumar, shouldn't she understand because I'm just exercising her culture? If you got a kumar? A gumar. A gumar. Gumar's a side piece.

It's a mistress that you're allowed to have legally. It's Italian culture, gumare. I mean, I wouldare is a side piece. It's a mistress that you're allowed to have legally. It's Italian culture, a Gumare. I mean, I would probably, you just bought a house together, so if you do it too fast, you're going to lose your house. So I would wait like 10 years. But it's her culture. She's Sicilian, and that's what Italians do. They call it a Gumare.

So she should be able to understand it because it's her culture. Yeah, but you're Greek, and she's Sicilian, so she'll kill you. If you were Sicilian, maybe she wouldn't take the risk of trying to kill you because you could kill her back. But you're Greek. I don't think you're going to kill her back. And she's got the upper hand. James is fucking screwed in. That's the best answer I've gotten on that.

But that's good if she kills him because then I'll take his Tesla. I want a Tesla. I wanted Tesla. The Tesla could be valuable because who knows? The Tesla factories in China are reopened now so I don't know, but there might be a shortage of Teslas next month. How could we convince Chris's

baby mama to let us put back up a video that was really, really funny but that she didn't want up? Tell her it will save lives because it'll encourage more people to watch this episode. You're going to attach it to this episode. And you could say, Chris, you could say, honestly, if you want to save lives, you want that video on because I don't know what else to do. Giannis is not putting this video up unless that he's not putting his podcast up unless that video is in there. I'm going to tell her like to someone and be like, listen,

James Altucher, one of the smartest guys I've ever met, just told me if you allow us to put that video up, the chances of Daddy Yankee getting coronavirus goes down, then I think she'll let us put it up. There you go. Yeah. Puerto Rico is going to be the 51st state after this. Do you really believe that, actually?

No. They're never going to make Puerto Rico the 51st state. this. Do you really believe that, actually? No. They're never going to make Puerto Rico the 51st state. And why is that? I'm curious. Because they're racist. They just don't like Puerto Ricans. Right. I get it. How many Puerto Ricans have been president? None. None.

We haven't had any Jews presidents either, though. Yeah. Well, maybe. Maybe they've all been quietly Jewish. Maybe as soon as they're president, they're kind of an honorary Jewish person. It's like a secret. There's like a synagogue in the basement of the White House. We don't know. Well, there you go, because you guys can morph into all different things.

Yeah. Yeah. You could shapeshift. Yeah, exactly. James, listen. I'm stuck looking like this, though. I wish I could shapeshift. James, we love you, buddy. I wish I could come through the phone and catch you on the lips

But I'll be able to do that in about mid to late April Right? Well social distancing I might stay in quarantine for the next 30 years I'm kind of enjoying the quarantine Yeah I'll find a way to get in your lap I said I'm going to find a way to get in James' lap. We'll fucking catapult you right into that

lap. I'll take you up to the Upper West Side, put you in a catapult, and shoot you up into that lap. I'm in a bunker. I might be in an underground bunker avoiding the disease infested America. I'm going to have a sign that says stock tips

hanging out of my ass, and that's how I'll lure you to come into me. That might be. That might be. Yeah. He's got a G.I. Joe. Giannis has got a G.I. Joe in his ass. You've got a sign in your ass. You guys, I just, I stockpiled on toilet paper, so I'm okay. There you go. By the way, we got a lot of stupid fans. Look, the GI Joe figure in my ass is working for me. It doesn't mean it's going to work for your coronavirus symptoms.

So see a doctor. Stop sending us pictures of that. By the way, I have a sponsor for my podcast. That's hellotushy.com. It's a bidet company. They stopped their ads because they sold out through June of bidets. Like your business is literally surging right now. That must have been a nice check for you.

Nice. Well, it was then. Now they're not advertising until they have inventory again. Yeah, they sold out. The best advertisement for them is when they say that toilet paper is running out. Yeah, right. They should pay all the podcasts to say, don't forget toilet paper. If there's a second

wave, get your toilet paper now. Yeah, I've been wiping my ass with surgical masks. Yeah. I've been wiping my ass with my hands, and then I've been just washing my hands. That's really smart. That's the way. Hey, look, we used to do it with corn leaves, the leaves on corn husks. So you're getting back to your natural tendency.

James, you're a smart kid. James, you're a smart kid. Yeah, you're a smart kid. If I fucking... You guys know history, though. Yeah, we're the smartest history kids. Yeah. We got to do a show where we substitute

to teach a history class and just watch that thing go off the rails real quick. Well, that's what I think. By the way, I think kids going home from school, that's the best thing. We're finally realizing

school was a waste of time. College was a waste of $70,000 a year. Every kid should be homeschooled. You learn more just watching YouTube videos and taking online classes. That's going to be a huge change in society. Absolutely. You think the suburbs is going to be back in a big way because people are going to want a little space? Yeah. I don't know about you guys, and I hate to say it, but I'm kind of getting tired of New York City now. 9-11, I literally, and Chris, I've heard your excellent 9-11 story. Everyone should listen to it. I was in the World Trade Center 9-11, and I lived about three blocks away. And then financial crisis, I was on CNBC all the time.

Now, New York City is being called ground zero again. I'm sick of living in ground zero. I kind of want to move to Puerto Rico, actually. No federal taxes. There you go. Yeah. And lots of hot women. Lots of hot women, too. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah. Lots of hot women. All right. Well, thank you for coming on and risking your reputation as you do every time that you talk to us. Well, and vice versa. They're going to be like, why do they keep bringing back this homeless guy? So he's got nothing to say.

Oh, he's going to bet on people dying? What is wrong with that freak? We love it. Okay, you can put your mascot head back on now. All right, kisses. Everybody get. Bye. James Alcucher, everybody. The great James Alcucher. The great James Alcucher. Thanks so much. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

Enjoy. I'll text you soon when I spiral out of control again. All right. Thank you. Outro Music