Hollywood Handbook - Beth Stelling, Our Touring Friend

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

The Boys help BETH STELLING with a PR crisis about her tour bus.Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast just shake it off you know shake it off and just like get started this is coming out on halloween the day that's right check Beth. Hey. Stellington. Yeah. Beth Stellington, right? Now it's Halloween, right? The nightmare before the episode recording. Beth was being psychotic before this started. Beth was being totally fucking psychotic.

And I was like, we have to start the episode. You see this? For anyone who's only listening, I'm holding up a kiwi labs pickleball paddle sent to me by my friend from michigan i don't know what this fucking guy's name is is it in there maybe this guy it's me yeah it might be for all i know a little card let's see is there a card potentially or a return address kinds of stuff okay nope so so what i'll say is thank you for the and they he had to write for sean clements not amir on the package and that's because anything that shows up at head gum technically is amir's property unless you write that on it no you have to tithe oh my goodness maybe throw one of those guys the one on by the way i have not a mirrors written on

me because otherwise yeah he can basically do whatever he wants when i'm inside this studio tattooed even worth tattooing if you're if you're in it for the long haul here. I'm not. We're not. We're not. Yeah. This is just another quick stop for us. It's another town we move on,

you know. What are you going to be for your dressing up as your Halloween costume? As your Halloween scaring clothes. Yes. I am going to do

I don't know yet. I haven't totally decided. I was just thinking I am going to do, I don't know yet. I haven't totally decided. I was just thinking I was going to do it. You're the most interesting man in the world. You are? Yeah.

So just no changes? No, I'm going to be going to dress like I have a beard. Do you have a plan? I'm a bottle of Dozekis. Really? Yeah.

Is that every year? I'm chasing him. He's chased me around. I'm chasing bottle of Dozeckis really yeah is that every year it kind of felt like you were after he's chased me around chasing him around okay very cool yeah very cool

I was just thinking about being like a card one card in the deck can't sit me that's I've been working on that I'm going to like

he's yeah I let him I'm being sort of deciding whether or not to be like I guess he's kind of Latino or something. Right. And people are like, people get pissed at me about that.

And then I'm like, okay, I'm supposed to be the most interesting white man in the world. And now they're incredibly pissed. Right. I think the actor's not. If you watch some interviews with the actor, i think you'll find a lot more in common with him you know okay he actually wrote a book really with some of his own stories he's an interesting man in his own right in the store in what realm in the store in what realm like uh various or does he have a particular fascination outside of acting various yeah some of his early

acting stories okay certainly the story of um telling people to stay thirsty yeah yes yeah absolutely yeah which is basically saying don't have any water those ekkies or water or anything well don't have it yeah that is an interesting take most because you could say stay thirsty means drink more beer because it's not question the most interesting beer spoke person is the one who says don't drink it yeah that's true like they're totally i, they're fucking with you mentally. And that is really interesting. Unfortunately, those kind of mind games, that's what keeps people interested. I think you're right.

Yeah. Sort of forbidden fruit. No, totally. It's like, you know, people say, oh, I'm sick of these games. Like I just want somebody who's straight up. It's like, no, you don't. Snooze fest. You'll be bored in a second.

My wife has no idea where I in a second uh my wife has no idea where i am right now my wife has no clue where i am when i'm dating i'm jigsaw i get i go full jigsaw mode wait what is jigsaw jigsaw he wants to play a game or he wants to know if you want to play a game okay and he wants to play a game or he wants to know if you want to play a game okay and he wants to play a game okay or at least i guess he's not playing right scary character he's conducting he's designing the game yes in some ways he's the only honest character ever presented in the history of cinema is he is this from the movie saw yeah okay never seen it. That's his last name. I don't, it's just, first name's J. It's from the movie Saw X. First name's J, last name's Saw.

That's part of the reveal? Or no? What's part of what reveal? Like, how come I never knew that? I've never seen the movies. You didn't know that Jigsaw's in Saw? Yeah, I mean, I was able to sort of, through deductive reasoning, figure that out. And somehow it's been...

But I just never saw the movie. Absorbed, yeah. And I don't want to. I don't like being scared. Yeah. I don't see the movies. You know what I mean? But what Hayes and I do is we read the descriptions of all the scary movies.

We read the plot summaries. So we kind of know what happens. Think about how I would solve that puzzle if we were in that situation. The puzzles I go through all the time. Yeah. Okay. It'll be like... Because I've done stuff I need to be punished for.

Right. I acknowledge that. Like I've done things in my career, in my personal life. Oh my God. Are we privy to some of those? Eventually some, yes. Okay. But only some.

Right. And so eventually someone is going to capture me and have me, give me the opportunity to do penance. Yeah. To make it right yeah i'll be like hey there's a hundred fish hooks in your head yeah pull them out or else you're the now you're the fish and then you just go like you get like most of them and then just you know then you die yeah you do you die no matter what no sometimes if you get all them out you can't you can't and then you're released escape free to go yeah catch and release and that's because you like caught a fish one time

wow and you have to be punished oh i didn't know it was it was such a it's like an environmental message yeah jigsaw is like they're jigsaw with the epa the crimes that people have done in life in the 10th movie are not as serious as it used to be. Well, I guess I should be worried. It used to be more extreme. Would you ever dress up as a costume for when you did Halloween before? Have I ever?

What? Would you ever dress up as a costume for when you did Halloween before? Simple question. I'm so sorry that I missed that. Would you? I would and I have perfect moving on okay i guess maybe i took a year off my life can we move on now beth you were you were last with us in august of 2020 yeah that's how long it took me to miss you guys how was your summer of

2021 terrible i would say bad summer i think so okay yeah yeah i think i got covid near the end of it okay son of a bitch yeah real sweaty remember staring at myself i'm glad i'm sitting next to you well there's been a couple years. Your Kelvin was great? No, my summer 2021. Yeah, nobody asked Hayes, but his summer was actually fucking awesome. What was it like? Built a dock. What? Designed and

fully constructed every piece of the dock. And is it being used currently? We don't have any water for it. We don't have water for it yeah we don't have water for it yet but the dock design when you put this thing for my car hmm so i drive right out and just to the edge just to the edge i have to kind of climb out through the window okay yeah but if it's i'm trying to picture what it's doing it comes right up to the window okay yeah but if it's i'm trying to picture what it's doing it comes right

up to the window or what's it doing on the ground yeah like i'm picturing like it doesn't have water to go down into is it when it's sitting up if you're waiting to put it in water it's not like a dock that it's just a normal dock it's not one that's like inclined that you just like shove a bow onto. It's just normal. This show is normal. It's a normal show. We're not going to try to trick you with like some weird doc. It's just a normal version.

When we talk about a doc, like if it was a weird one, it won't be. We'd explain that. We'd say like this is one of the strange ones. I can picture it now. Can I just go back a few? Did you want to know any of the costumes? Or was I supposed, it was frustrating that I didn't answer quick? I want just two, please, only.

Can I say two? Yeah, say the costumes. Okay, I was Ariel, but dead. She drowned. She drowned? She drowned. She drowned? She did. She tried to go back in there? Yeah.

Dead Ariel. Dead Ariel. Okay. And then I was Bambi's mom. Did she have flippers or what do you call them, feet? What do you call them, feet? Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Bambi's mom. So I'm getting a little bit of a theme here. Yes, death. Women. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Bambi's mom. So I'm getting a little bit of a theme here. Yes, death. Death. Women. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, women and death. Yeah. Pretty scary. Yeah. Pretty spooky. Freaks me out. Yeah. Freaks me out.

And I did have an opportunity to be sexy in both, which is sort of like, kind of like. That's like a little bonus sometimes when you're putting your costume together. Yeah. My Dos Equis bottle is going to have like a lot of like flaps and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Opportunities to peek. Yeah.

There's going to be a lot of removable pieces to the costume. I like that. That kind of like fall off. Peel off the label maybe. We could peel. Yeah. It's not. The costume's finished.

I'm not really taking suggestions. Okay. I'm so sorry yeah i get that like yeah there's yeah it's got its own pieces and if people try to sip him and stuff like because he'll like be running away but then he'll like get tired or like pretend to get tired you know and so like you can then catch him i could run run for so long. Yeah. But I'll act like I'm tired. Okay. Take a sip, you're like sucking on his hair kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Like you get big, like just like a big. I'll put sauce in my hair and stuff. Hank of hair. Yeah. I'll put like whatever. In your mouth because it's like coming out the top. It's like fizz kind of.

Oh, cool. Yeah. I'll put sauce in it like a cream sauce. Yeah. I understand. Yeah. I'm not sure why you do that i was thinking sort of like cream though no because people are people are sucking on it yeah okay yeah cream well it's gonna have more of the sort of foamy okay beer head appearance than like a red sauce yeah right okay that makes a. That makes a lot of sense. I mean, that part's not finished.

You seem to want to pitch on the costume. Yeah, I'd love to pitch on it. The label thing is a non-starter at this point, but like if you have a different sauce idea,

like obviously I'm not putting it in until like I'm inside the cap and everything. Right. But it has to be a sauce that he can make when he's like fully in the bottle.

Do you have full mobility with your arms? He has to be able to toss it. No. Through the top. With a ladle up onto the top of his head. He has to get it in there. I have a little... Maybe your wife could help.

I have a skateboard that's leaning over. She has no idea where I am. She doesn't have a fucking clue. Oh, wait. I forgot. Jigsaw mode. Doesn't know. You think she's gonna when he's in the kitchen making you a sauce for the beer for about his halloween costume you think his wife is gonna know about that no i guess it is the type of thing you keep from your wife

no i'm yeah i'll tell her something else i thought she'd be the first to want to sip you if she walks in the kitchen you have to be like, get out! Oh my God. Oh my God, of course. Get out now! Happy Halloween. Get out! I'm making my sauce. My Halloween sauce. You can't be in here.

Not when this is happening. Okay, I'm sorry. I was just checking to see if you're... I smelt burning. You just, you weren't just doing anything. Right. You were just ruining my night. I was checking on you.

I burnt it because you distracted me. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. You eat this one. I got to start over. Stomp on the skateboard. God flips the jar up onto my head. Oh. Well, happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween. Yeah. It didn't get a treat, that's for sure. Hollywood Handbook. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel,

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slash the boys hollywood ham beth stellington is back on tour yeah we wanted to talk about this a little bit did you we've been hearing a little bit about the tour would you say that a lot of fans are coming to hang out on the bus and have fun you know they're not i'm barely getting people out okay so that okay so that is accurate to what we had heard. Yeah. So we, yeah. So we have had a kind of an incoming call retained. Yeah.

A crisis PR firm is looking to kind of clean up the image and address the fans on the bus. Put out, yeah. Put out the kind of statement that only we can craft. We can believably present the idea that some fans have been hanging out on the bus and having a lot of fun, which might actually make it more appealing, right? Right. To be a fan. That's true.

So, you know, what we need from you, and we want it to be collaborative. We don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with. need from you and we want it to be collaborative we don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with um we do need to know like what's a typical fan what are we thinking is like a typical but we want it to be we want it to feel authentic and a typical like bus game what's something that would happen on the bus that you would do with a fan that we can say like oh this is what happened and we kind of dummy up maybe like an AI version of the fan and make a sort of shadowy video where they're talking

about how much fun they had at the game. You can decide if you don't want to win the game. It might be fun if the fan wins the game, but I know certain, especially comedians like you, need to kind of win in every story.

That does sound like me. Just a lot of stories of like i won like i'm a badass like then i said the coolest funniest thing you've ever thought of you know like just like it's which by the way like it works like there's fans obviously we haven't gotten the image of like a typical one yet we asked for it a little while yeah again this is time isn't this comes out on the 31st when's austin november 2nd through 4th that that's they they're they're they're they pulled out okay yeah yeah what about they pushed i think what about the 9th to the 11th? That's Portland. They pushed pending the... Pending some sort of... Those fans are playing games on the bus. Some sort of attraction for the fans so that they know that they've been playing games on the bus

and everybody's having fun. Okay. The typical fan is sort of like a dad in his 40s. Like a dad, a 40s dad. Who's bringing his son who's just about to go off to college. It's a twofer. Those are the types of. Oh, wow.

So this guy had the kid kind of young. Yeah. And the son is going off to college in November? Yeah. He's late. They got late entry. He's that late to college? Okay.

He's got to go. He's so late. No. He should be there already. He's not that late. He missed the freaking ice cream social no he missed the all he missed was orientation i think it's fine to start late no there's crucial bonding that happens in those they didn't have the ice cream social free wait until november after mid-november

people are allowed to come so cold as long you pay, you can show up whenever you want. Is that right? Yeah. Anyway, that's your typical fan. Or a girl who's like... Is the son a fan? He is after the show. Okay.

But that's sort of stiff-armed by his dad. Stiff-armed? I meant to say, not stiff- armed um so be part of the game no strong armed strong armed yeah yeah meant strong should be called strong arming yeah yeah it's true stiff arming should be called mean arming yeah yeah you know yeah the arm is far more than just stiff. Yeah. Yeah. It's violent. It's very aggressive.

Yeah. Yeah. So a dad strong arms his son into seeing your show. Where is he going to college? University of Indianapolis. University of Indianapolis? So it's not University of Indiana located in Indianapolis. No. It's like Indianapolis. No.

That's like a whole. Yeah. And the son is actually. What's the mascot? The Bulldogs. Bulldogs. Okay. And the son's sort of like starting to get into maybe potentially sexually active.

Is he on scholarship or anything? No scholarship. The son is starting to get. He's starting to potentially get sexually active is he on scholarship or anything no scholarship the son is starting to get he's starting to potentially get during the show no no no oh okay yeah when just maybe when he goes off to just that school yeah okay got it yeah yeah people his age okay so that's why he's late yeah he hasn't like right when you make like you make your summer like sex promise or whatever and that like you know when you do it like it looks weird if you show up to college and yeah the proctors or whatever like what the fuck yeah yeah this shit your shit's dry yeah yeah yeah well okay this helps me then so that's the typical fan there's also like young women that's interesting yeah okay okay yeah we

can work with that okay what's their deal the dad in the 40s by the way like you said act like young is like different from like a dad in his 40s is like that's true no that in the 40s by the way like you said act like young is like different from like a dad in his 40s is like that's true no that's actually 40s pretty yeah that's true yeah you're right be really young that's true i'm talking more like she's 25 to 30 okay the young woman and she's she dates older though she dates older yeah she dates older okay yeah yeah

sort of like a feminist tough for that she dates older because she's a feminist no just that's the additional information I'm providing okay she's sort of like a feminist she is

yeah I'm unfortunately yeah I'm detecting a problematic love triangle. Really? If all these fans were to come on the bus? Well, what I'm seeing is this young woman.

This is like the whole thing. They are. They will be on the bus, and they will be playing games. Just playing catchphrase, though, right? I think more like props. Yeah. Stuff being thrown around yeah it's like really goofy

it's like there's like a beach ball or like flip cup can we do like flip cup or ping pong or wait what's it called beer pong there's a kid with no beer there's a kid on the bus who's never had sex before and so like I don't think we want to be

right creating new problems but it's also introducing what he's about to get into at college in november well it can be very dangerous obviously to play flip cup for the first time at college um so i appreciate you looking out for him but i do want to deal with what Hayes has identified and I do think it is a big problem that this young woman wants to date the 40 year old dad and the young

man the son wants to have sex for the first time need someone to guide him and a 25 to 30 year old woman actually would be the ideal candidate so what we have is and the dad obviously loves his son not sexually well it's most interesting man chasing the doseki's bottle i mean we're going around and around because it's it's going to uh result in everyone having some level of frustration but she's not ready to do it that night or anything

like that she's actually she just came to get some merch from me some of my what are we what are we yeah what's the merch what are we well she came to get a hat to wear because she's actually not ready to get it what's a hat fucking hat yeah sell these hats what did they say what did that hat be very careful how you answer this question the hat said my old special title girl daddy girl daddy but i do have new merch i actually brought it for you guys oh my god between this and the kiwi labs pickleball bundle i got i'm leaving here loaded for bear yeah that's true this is the merch that's socks this is the new merch what yeah and the sock they say a raccoon is friends with me it has a raccoon popping out a raccoon magnet it says women's stand-up comedy on the

sock yeah and beth Stelling on the bottom. Yeah, and... Women's stand-up comedy, Beth Stelling's sock ahead! Get your women's stand-up comedy, Beth Stelling's sock! Beth Stelling. Beth Stelling and Beth Stelling socks. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So that's kind of what she's coming to this show. Beth Stelling stand-up. Beth Stelling. The Beth best selling stand-up best selling the best selling stand-up i'm the best selling stand-up in the entire country right people say fast we have merch for you as well this is a mag sheath yeah it's a magnet. And our hats don't say girl bag. To your wife. Maybe the magnet's for your wife. Yeah, I could see my wife using this. Will this stick to like...

A piece of paper. One she wants to look at for a couple weeks. Well, she'd probably want to put up the save the date for Chef Kevin's wedding. She's really trying to get in shape for his wedding. Really? Oh, yeah. Kevin's wedding revenge body. She keeps saying, it's all I hear in my house all day.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. Fitness maniac. Because there was a wedding that she wasn't ready for? That has never been explained to me. She's just said Kevin's wedding revenge body. She's doing ladders. But doesn't that mean she has to prove something to Kevin about her body? She about her body sicko mode kevin maybe you can shine some light on this i don't know exactly

what inspired it but i know that it's very important to her she's doing burpees in the den oh she's gonna wear she's gonna wear a wedding dress as well oh this seems like an attack there's a there's a fashion show and during wedding, and the theme is hot, hot, hot. Wow. Okay, well. She didn't tell me that, but also that's just the kind of mind games I like to play. She has no idea where I am right now. Right.

I was going to say, is it a couple's fashion thing? Because it seems like maybe she's leaving you in the dust. Did she tell you to get in shape too? Or you're not alone? No, in fact she in fact she's been fattening you up she has she's been cooking all these rich snacks for me oh they're so rich and they're exactly the type of thing she knows i can't resist puppy chow turkish delight roast goose puppy chow yeah oh my gosh

tree masseuse wait i thought it was tiramisu is it not the way she makes it you feel like a damn tree afterwards rooted in that spot afterwards rooted in that spot i can't i can't even you gotta have to chop me down and roll me uh to bed after i finish that trimasu no it's kevin it's really tasty can you merch this person oh my goodness merch me chief okay and it was uh really close she got that i almost oh very cool yeah speaking of hats right we make those welcome to the hat pack we say that oh you're gonna say it now yeah okay yeah welcome to my welcome to one two one two three four welcome

to my welcome to the pack maybe we can do it at the end we'll try again at the end the best selling stand up in the USA welcome to the app pack welcome to the Hack Pack.

Welcome to the Hack Pack. Thank you. Okay, so it's a 40-year-old dad. Yeah. I gotta stop making these stories. A sexually inexperienced 18-year-old boy. He's really, he's the 40-year-old virgin's dad. Yeah.

Has he, like like done kissing yeah i hope to okay yeah i haven't asked too many questions because i don't want to get in trouble right right because it's not my business really yeah i can only say what he's offered me the dad is really the one who's giving me all the information the girl was there she actually wanted to be on the apps she's was on the apps and she just wanted to get a hat to wait like one of the girl daddy Jesus man the apps are crazy they are the apps are nuts and they got an app for everything now oh you know uh uh uh hipsterastronauts.com i've never heard this is an app now you know what i mean hey you some of you guys heard of some of these these apps yeah jesus man the fucking apps have gone off the deep end my friend i mean these apps are nuts they're

logo insane hipsterastronaut.com like how many people are on there and sometimes you're on the app you go on these apps i feel that way but you know you gotta get on there yeah you you are you paying for them fresh are you are you into paying for them are you like the free apps oh oh i pay for it yeah no shame no shame for me man what's the highest you paid for an app for an app for a particular app for how long a couple couple weeks i'm gonna take the yearly now i do want to do the year yeah i do the yearly for all of them because you end up saving ultimately yeah you know what if you forget to use it uh uh well then then it'll be uh my experience with the app will be a lot like my experience with

some of the dates because I feel like they forget to cancel. Some of these hipster astronauts forget to cancel and still but don't show up. I don't know what happened with sort of the

choreography that we had set up for moments like that. Did you see that Beth just yawned yeah okay and where was the so we have been where was the syringe we have been training Kevin

to can you yawn again he has a syringe na na na na na sorry I was supposed to add that in to... Can you yawn again? He has a syringe. Na-na-na-na-na! Sorry, I was supposed to add that in. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na! That's singing. That's not what a syringe is.

Okay. And I have the syringe too, sorry. I like to add a little music into each episode. I just got a text from my wife. What'd she say? I i swear to god you can read this well is she mad at you no no no but just second from the bottom with the little thumbs up read what that says okay to order panini kevin grill kevin it's a type of instead of okay to order panini kevin grill this revenge body is starting to make a lot of shit is starting to infect every aspect of my life it's not enough that she just has kevin's wedding revenge body she also has to get revenge on kevin's body yeah by filling it with panini. Wow. Nini Kevin grill.

She raced to correct it. Do you think she's panicking? I mean, I try not to know what's going on with her because I do think that you have to keep it fresh. So I really do not want to understand whether she's panicking or not. But this is a pretty clear signal to me that i have to i have to somehow find a way to ignore it's really really troubling panini kevin grill okay to order that i have to say no say it's not i have to say no it's not okay that's i have to say no say we work together yeah that's in my co-worker

that's in my co-worker no you want to read what i just wrote but we're not co-workers does that make sense yeah that's an independent party will you read what i just wrote do you want soup no well yeah i don't want the soup no what do you think she's gonna think of that i don't know. I mean, I can't have the whole show be. She has no idea where I am right now. Just say I want Kevin Soup. I want Kevin Soup.

And have you tried it before? I want Kevin Soup. Have you tried it before? I like that. And then. Love. And then your name. have you tried it before i like that and then love and then your name what did you think she didn't need my last name right she only didn't need it when she married me did she take it

no she did not didn't want it oh she's probably a family feminist yeah well that's yeah she's a lot like one of your typical fans they're getting on that old bus to play some games so you had suggested catchphrase we wanted something more prop heavy horseshoe maybe horseshoe bus beth i think you're finally starting to figure out what's going on and i and i'm i'm pulling different elements that have just been like floating this is what i do just like you know there's stuff in the ether and i just like pull out what he assembles it yeah panini Panini Shoe. Instead of Horseshoe Game, Panini Shoe. Make a panini. Ding. Open it up.

Carve out a horseshoe. Horseshoe, yeah. Pretty well done panini. Throw it. Throw the panini shoe. Panini shoe. Throw it. A horseshoe that's actually panini.

That's fun for dad. That's fun for woman. And it's fun for virgin son as well. sun and then do you eat them after are you throwing them onto a plate that has a big fork in the center of it yeah i think it's a big standing up fork and you're gonna hook that wrap it around the fork and then you just and then if you if you correctly you know land your throw then as typically does, you pick up the fork and you eat your panini with a fork. I think that this is the kind of- What's going in the panini is the only-

Well, that is a horse of a different color and horse shoes. It's your tour. Yeah. So what goes into the panini some of this merch yeah i don't think it's i think it has to be something edible yeah is the merch not edible no don't eat okay let me put these socks somewhere else then this is my food yeah i think i'm thinking i would do sort of like some ham. You did bring something edible, right? Yeah. What is that?

Some salad. Some salad? Mediterranean salad with pita chips. But that's not merch. That's not merch. I mean, I guess I could try to sell it since I took a bite. Mediterranean salad. Salad!

Is that from the Panini Kevin grill? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is everyone I know is going to this yeah really crazy i'm just the reason i got a salad is because i'm getting trying to also do the revenge body for kevin's wedding yeah i wasn't invited but i think i'm gonna show up invited yeah i'm gonna body kevin's wedding challenge i'm just showing up for the fashion

part and then i'll leave the fashion show part what are you doing for the hot hot hot theme i was thinking i might come as like like a hot cheeto i'm gonna be a hot ones guy oh that's cool his name's sean sean cool yeah are you gonna shave off your hair or bald cap? I'm probably trying to see if he can have hair like mine. If he could start having hair like mine, I think that would be really, that would be better for me. Then you don't have to change your hair. I don't want to do any of that. And if he could also not be eating food that's so hot, please. Yes.

I get that. If I could be being this guy, it would be very nice if he would stop eating such hot items that's what i don't want to do that at all ask yeah just reach out you put ham i'm gonna put ham on it and then like a borson cheese okay that's working borson cheese. Okay, that's working. Borson. Cheese. Borson cheese. Borson's got card. And that's it. Borson, well. Just those two.

Sure. But I don't know. Sure. I don't know what to do with it. But I have it. I have it if we need it. And my hope is that we don't end up needing that for the rest of the show because I do not know what to do with it.

Me neither. But I have it here. And just know that you guys can come up with a signal or something. For to use it? Borson? Send it to me to say Borson Wells. Yes. And I don't know what it'll be.

Ham and Borson. I hope we don't need it. Ham and Borson. Ham. Borson Borshead. Borshead head borson she's a borson son yeah so um i i was a little embarrassed to ask this before but as we are really digging into the shape of the word the fuck is borscht and cheese? It kind of comes in like a little,

it's like, it comes in a cylinder shape. It's a foil that you peel off the top. There's a little green confetti in it. Yeah. And it's white cheese. And it's soft cheese. Oh my gosh.

And you could go like this and wipe it on the horseshoe panini bread. You wipe it on the bread. And then the ham, you're going to have to sort of- For a food product to be described that way, to be like, how do you make a peanut butter sandwich? Oh, you just wipe the peanut butter all over the bread. I wipe the bread on the borscht. It really doesn't seem like it's a part of the food that you want.

You're trying to get it off of something else. La, shrink kevin oh no well that's the wrong one it wasn't supposed to make her fall asleep kevin you take the shrink you inject it into the scarab beetle. Okay. And that gives the scarab beetle the serum where you can control it. And you have it fly. You extend your hand. Yes. And then when her mouth is open, with your mind, you steer the scarab beetle into Beth's mouth. That was a close one. The singing, I don't know.

It's a beautiful song. I was going to sing it at the wedding. Oh no. That's going to be my vows. That's not like a turkey. Yeah, I mean it's sort of like chicken what about hot turkey yeah nashville hot turkey nashville hot ass turkey that could be interesting i mean i just feel like we kind of set this up with beth stellington and we were talking about halloween

costumes we did all this stuff and now we're like in this turkey zone and it's just all moving a little too fast for me because I am one of these freaks who associates turkey with Thanksgiving, which is like still the next holiday away. I'd like to actually process my Halloween. I'd like to keep these things kind of distinct. Separate. Yeah, for me, it's just like uh not something that i can just throw out in the

trash you how would you so you wouldn't want somebody to dress up like a pilgrim or something for halloween that would be too much of a crossover it's well i now i feel like I'm caught because I'm on record as saying that you can't dress up as a pilgrim for Halloween. And that's in a couple of different publications, me saying that. And now I feel like I'm fucked, right?, I, it was just like a lot of people had attacked me for some of what I thought was a good Halloween costume at the time. And I just felt like, Hey man, you should be able to do whatever you should be able to be a pilgrim. This is the only example I used. I said it so much.

And then I don't know if you knew that that's why you brought it up no i'm so sorry if that's like sort of traumatic for you i had no clue that that was like this moment's traumatic for me when i wrote the article i actually thought like this is really good i was reading it back i was like i'm crushing this like i really so you wrote there it wasn't somebody interviewing you no i wrote the article and and entered quite a few publications and it just basically said like hey man people coming after my halloween costume like just like i'm just it's free free halloween you know everyone should be able to dress up as whatever they want like you should be able to dress up as a fucking

pilgrim if you want yeah you know know this is an accountability moment for me as well because I realized I was talking about St. Patrick's Day before because this is this like this consumer culture working on me as well where like as soon as October 1st rolls around

now it's suddenly that they start putting out the Irish peeps in the grocery store i didn't even know they had those oh yeah they look just like regular peeps but they're green no they're irish yeah are they shamrocks no no they're irish they're like of Irish descent. Yeah. Yes. Wow. It's crazy. Yeah. Oh, Peeps. They're already out? No.

Yeah, they came out. Yeah, they came out on October 1st. They came out. That's so early. Yes, they ended up back on the shelves on October 1st, the Irish Peeps. I love Peeps. And it was just Columbus Day, so the Italian peeps just came off the shelf. I thought they stopped making those. You can get a good discount.

They did. That's why they came off the shelf. I'm thinking about that Pilgrim article I wrote, too, and it's like, I don't know why I went so hard on that one example. It wasn't even related to what the issue had been for me. At the time, i had dressed as a very recent tragedy and it was just like not like and i thought that i could kind of i guess distract people or like change the conversation around it

i was really happy with some of the writing, but I don't know. I got fucked on both sides of it because it didn't really make anyone forgive me. And then now the Pilgrim thing explicitly has come home to roost in terms of me saying that I don't want Thanksgiving to invade Halloween's zone. Can you say, I mean, you don't have to say what the tragedy was, but can you say what year it was that you wore a costume that was a very recent tragedy? I mean, I kind of is going to give it away. Okay, all right. It's going to be very, very obvious. Got it.

Yeah. Say no more. I'd rather not. I shouldn't have brought it up again, and I really shouldn't get specific on it because a lot of the heat is just blowing over from it. Bear Stearns closing. The collapse.

Oh, I thought it was going to be something totally different. Yeah, it was a collapse. The collapse of I thought it was going to be something totally different. Yeah, it was a collapse. Yeah, it was a collapse. The collapse of Lehman Brothers. It was a lot of, yeah. A lot of beloved financial institutions. And you dressed up like that? Yes, Beth.

And I am aware now that it was insensitive and i have uh uh apologized to the families and i um uh can take responsibility and you know at the time too like it was you have to understand like it was a different culture like it was totally different texture around that. And, you know, and I was in some ways trying to just be a voice out there that said, hey, you could dress however you want. You know, you dress as a pilgrim if you want. Like you can do anything. ever you want you know you dress as a pilgrim if you want like you can do anything and um i probably took that ethos uh smidge too far and if i had it to do all over again i um i have no regrets because of what i've learned through this process and how I've grown.

But I will admit that if I could do it again, I would probably wear a different costume. Okay. Were you wondering how it was rendered? Yeah. If there was a photo or something. Bear head, eyebrows, mads, bear sterns, that's easy. Lehman Brothers, Jason Lee head, Jason Lee shirt, and Jason Lee's legs sticking out of his stomach kind of,

and a fake Bruce Lee head. Lee man. Like on his belly. Michael Mann is almost part of it. Yeah. And like Bruce Lee pants kind of. So it's kind of like Jason Lee is riding around on Bruce Lee's shoulders. And like Michael Mann is there too.

So it's the Lee man brothers. Lee man brothers. I'm picturing it. Bear Stearns eyebrows. Right. Stern, Bear. Yeah, I hadn't even heard about that. I didn't realize it was a big controversy.

I never heard about that. Okay, I never fucking heard of a bunch of your shit. Everything you've done. I didn't know what your merch was. I'm trying to, you know, come on, talk about it. Let's promote it. It seems like it seems like you're getting a little defensive but every time you say something i didn't hear about well

no i was trying to make you feel better it seems like you've snapped a bit because i was trying to make you feel better like well i didn't even hear about the controversy so don't even worry about that hearing about it like that was not something that came up for me so now i know that now we're both up to speed you know i'm trying to save your tour austin pushed they want to hear that people are having fun on the bus i get that the fans need something to look forward to they could watch the show on tv okay you know they can watch this stand-up show though this is a totally new show. And I also want to tell you guys. They want to be able to watch it on TV. They want to be able to go see the thing from TV. No, the thing on the TV is on Netflix.

And that's the end of it. I'm not doing that on tour again. And I didn't want to tell you guys. I hadn't heard about that. Well, I have a whole new hour that I'm doing. They want to see the one from TV. That's what they know. That's what they're used to they're

gonna they're gonna be they're like they're gonna i have something else to tell you guys i don't i lost the bus don't say that you lost it we don't need the bus did you have a dock i didn't have a dock for it we don't need the bus for the for what we're doing which is we are plant strategically planting and multiple publications some of which carried my pilgrim screed i don't want to be in that i don't want to be associated with those that will that just fun stories from people typical fans who were able to go on the bus and actually have a good time well maybe one of them has the bus because i lost it the fucking shit is fake this is fake this is crisis pr this is not normal pr this is a crisis that you are in that your tour is in and especially knowing that they

don't even know the jokes like we get we've got to promise something familiar you know okay it's so canini horseshoe or whatever yeah wait and this is the merch from this is from the last book from the last special that's currently out so every every special has different merch different merch well no this special has the merch from the last two specials it sounds like well girl dad hat right but that was from a different she was she's come some multiple shows she's back again to get the new merch is what i'm telling you she already came and saw me you asked for a typical fan she just a fan doesn't just come once she already has the hat she wants the socks what's this one's name this this tour and is there anything from it on yeah what's the next

and yeah the s and do a belt not really there's no merch that's tight because it's a new hour what are we gonna call it what are we gonna it? I don't have a name for it. Can we at least solve that? Well, let's make one up. I mean, you know, Borson Wells? Is this where we finally use it? Okay, but that means

I'm going to have to write a bit about Borson. I guess the panini toss. No, that's no good. None of this is gonna work it doesn't always have to like the title doesn't always have to be what's in the okay but like the weird thing like frankenstein is like barely in the book at all okay and that fucked up like you you're expecting that it's gonna be like a lot A lot of Frankenstein. Yeah. I was getting juiced on. Yeah.

They mostly just like. I thought he was going to be doing some stuff. Yeah. They talk about him a little bit, but he's like very not essential to the plot at all. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's incidental. Mm-hmm.

So. Beth Stelling's monster. Yeah. That's a good one. I that right yeah yeah oh beth stelling's the comedian you're thinking of beth telling's monster that'd be good especially if we can get it out release it at the same time as this episode on halloween that's perfect come out are you willing to do that yes finally playing ball so should I make merch with that tour bus is gone

he's doing something he's got something you have something watch look he does this watch look he's doing it tour bust tour bust tour bust tour bust tour or bust bus tour Borschtor Keaton is good Borschtor Borschtor No

Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor

Borschtor Borschtor Borschtor Keaton Boris with an apostrophe. People will know that's Boris. Bring your own ham. Boris Tor. Boris Tor Keaton. Bye. Hollywood Hamburg. That was a HeadGum Podcast.