Hollywood Handbook - Carmen Christopher, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

The Boys help CARMEN CHRISTOPHER sell his hats. Buy Carmen’s hat here!Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You guys know how much we love water on this show. We talk about it literally every single episode and about the water that we have been trying to make ourselves. We basically have- Not trying to make. We've been making. We've been making it.

We've been making it. We've been trying to perfect it. And it's not presently drinkable. Yes. So we have here, I'm really excited about basically like in a quite higher situation where like we have, we have a partnership now with Fiji Water. This is the number one.

It's gonna get us so much closer. Premium imported bottled water brand in the US. And they had basically come to this is like kind of the water that we were trying to first imitate and then top in success. So funny. We were coming for them and they must have felt us breathing down their neck and just said like, you know what, let's work together. We're more powerful as a team than as combatants.

And I agree actually, because their water is drinkable. It has a 7.7 pH, perfectly balanced. Yes. And you know, I'm not. Ours has a 700.700 pH. Yeah, so we were a bit higher. And then, you know, unlike the other two premium bottled water brands,

whose names I will not mention, the two top ones, but you think, you probably know who I mean. And one of them's us. And one of them is us and we, their electrolytes are 100% naturally occurring. Ours were 100% unnaturally supernatural. Ours were summoned inside of a pentagram, basically. These ones are from the earth.

They have more than double the electrolytes of the other two top premium water bottle brands, giving it the signature soft, smooth taste. It's like velvet. And we're can, we are being allowed to continue developing. PG one. There's not a non-compete or anything. It's not PG 13 and we've explained this obviously.

Yeah. But like, it's not, it doesn't have that kind of edge, but it's not G either. That's, yeah. It's a little bit, it's kids can have it, but you should be around them when they do. Yes. Fiji water is bottled at the source and untouched by man until you unscrew the cap. Their bottles are made from a hundred percent recycled plastic and they continue to lead the top preview bottle water competition on launching a hundred percent recycled plastic bottles earth's

finest water and Fiji water and I have a tagline for them that you probably haven't heard and that they haven't heard and it is a... Feed me Fiji. Thanks Fiji! Okay... So uh... You see, have you seen um... You guys seen Industry? Yeah, so I... Well, talk about it.

But, what do you want to know about it? I've seen it, yeah. Kevin's been sending me... This is how I've seen it. How would I have seen that? I don't know Kevin's green reports clips So it is I'm not Kevin. Oh industry industry Well, it's a will scream record like he'll use his phone and he'll like record the screen of what he's watching Mm-hmm, and he'll just and he'll just and he'll say what the show is And so I'll just get a clip of him recording his TV. Sometimes he's accidentally recording his own face.

Well, from his reaction, I know what's happening on screen. This is actually what I wanted to bring up, because sometimes he's actually recording his own face, and sometimes he'll be recording the screen, and it's often something where like, they're just kind of finishing up, and I have a pretty good idea of what was going on,

and it's actually still pretty legit. This is actually just getting it done for me. It's a little lascivious, some of the outtents. But then he'll turn his camera around to do, I think he's trying to show his face and do a. Some funny shit. Yeah, like pull his collar or something. But he can't see, when he turns it around,

he can't see it. So he's missing his face a lot of the time Yeah, he's pointing just over shoulder and you see like a hand come you go. I guess he's hooking his collar But I can see out though often I can see out the window I can see that his dad is like peeking coming to check on him. You live with your dad No, his dad comes to check his dad has to dad has to come check on him? His dad lives far away. Which I actually am grateful to see. Somebody's gotta fuckin' keep an eye on him because. So I'm like, then I don't have to go over there

or anything like that. That's nice. But some of these clips are like. My dad doesn't even know what school I went to. Some of them are intense. Oh, you went to school? That's so corny, dog. I went to the fuckin' University of Iowa. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine to go to school. That's fine. That's so corny dog. I went to the fucking University of Iowa. Yeah, that's fine

That's good. That's fine. That's fine. I thought you were gonna say like a different school. That's actually what school Are you gonna think I was gonna say? Well, say it what school did you think I was gonna say it's giving Dartmouth I didn't I don't know shit about What's that? It's giving I'm sure Ivy. It's giving dr. Se Dartmouth. What's Dartmouth like? It's giving me Hampshire Ivy. It's giving Dr. Seuss. Whoa, that's a huge compliment. You understand I am the dumbest person in America? This is, I mean, this is the Chicago guy

and this is my whole thing. I'm the first person in my family to go to school. It was so hard. I'm the first one not to. Yeah, so you're dumb because you chose to be. I was born into it. Your whole thing is like fucking Chicago dirt dog. And so when I'm watching The Bear,

this is my shit about The Bear. I just wanna get this out and then we don't have to talk about it. Sure. Yeah. Whatever, Gregory Allen White's not, he's from fucking New York. Jeremy Allen White, yeah. Jimmy Allen White.

Yes. Yeah. He's from New York. Hey, hey, hey, respect my castmate, buddy. He's amazing. But this is my thing, Carm. But Carm. Whatever, we can cut this if you want.

No, no, no, keep it, keep it. I don't give a shit. If you wanna talk about it, I don't give a shit. Hey, man. Keep it. We can talk about whatever you're comfortable talking about and I understand that this is like everyone's favorite shit now, but like- I'm comfortable talking about anything. Io's from Massachusetts.

Io's from Massachusetts. Evan. Masshole. He's from Canada, but he pretends like he's from New York. I thought he was from Massachusetts. No, I could be wrong though, but with the first time but this is the thing He doesn't want anybody know he's telling him Canada, right? He's telling you Matt Well, there's you know, we're not you know where he told me he was from where

Shut the fuck. No, they seriously this is why when you first said Yeah, they got name. Your name is Carmen. But it is funny because they, when I read the pilot, I was like, Chicago, cool. Italian beef, that's my favorite food. The guy's name's Carmen? Is this about me? Yeah.

It was like, wait, I can't cook. And the other guy's name is Christopher, the guy who wrote it. Christopher Stor. Yeah, I love Stor. Stor of everyone's name and whole fucking life history to use for his own purposes. So can you feel, my question is,

can you feel that fakeness when you're making the show? Or are you also just so excited to be a part of it? You know what I call him? Christopher making up a Storer. Christopher making up a, like a? He's making up a Storer. He's making up a Storer and it's not true. I making up a store. He's making a store and it's not true I'll say that like got the whole he's a storyteller. He's a storyteller and that's fine. But yeah, well, I mean like lick it like

Sopranos it's like those guys aren't all from New Jersey. They're actors like you don't have to get They used to say that they could feel the fakeness of it when they were to anise would say that yeah Yeah, wow, Irandis would say that? Yeah. Wow. I love that. They would be on set being like, this is feeling very fake to me. They would say that. Yeah. The phoniness is like...

But when you... Sometimes you get so excited just to be doing a fun and funny show that you don't give a shit. Can you feel how fake it is when you're doing it? No. No. No. It feels 1000% authentic Chicago. Feels authentic, okay.

Feels like a Chicago dog. It's not coming across to me, but that's actually good. That's school to cure. That's not my world. I will say this. I will say this. I will say this is-

You seem checked out. I seem checked out? In the show or right now? Just across the board. What is that? Don't make me pick. This is a crazy podcast, dude. What the fuck is happening?

You guys want me to talk shit about this show that's in play now? No, like I said, I don't give a fuck what you talk about. We'll put in whatever you want to put in, we'll cut whatever you want to cut. Carmen, this is a free-flowing conversation that occasionally touches on mature stuff. We're not cutting anything. And I'll say, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Look, your show is called... Carmen Christopher Live from the Windy City, my new special. Chicago fucking dirt dog. Yeah. Did you guys watch the special? Just lie and see it. I'm amped on the special. You know what? What did I?

I'm saving it. It's on Veep's. It's going to get me to fucking. 599. You're going to get me to get all my assets. Fine. And subscribe to Veep's. And I swore it was the only one.

I said, well, they'll never get me on Veep's. You know what I'm going to say about the special? Because I get Veep's on HBO. To sell you guys on it. Whatever you want, man. Do you guys like comedy? I'm? I'm starting I'm trying to find some I'm mainly an industry and watch some of these fucking special I've been watching I've been working on this shit for three years, and it just works it just straight-up work and so comedy works, let's talk vibes a little bit because

I'm like hanging out my friends around town, and we're always kind of doing this dance, like, you done it yet? Have you jumped in on Veebs yet? And everyone's kind of like, I'm about to do it. Well, every coffee shop is the people behind you going, I finally took the plunge, I'm on Veebs. And you can tell. No.

So the way people walk, people walking around now with a little extra of that sauce, that little extra of that sauce, that little extra swag. A little switch in the hips. I gotta say, you guys turned it the fuck on when the cameras got rolling. Holy shit, I didn't see this coming.

But that's what happens, man. And part of it is probably some of that Veeep's energy seeped into us, right? And when we started to record, all of a sudden it's like, boom, gaboom. You get Karma Christopher live from the Windy City. You get the Kings of Leon concert. Yes.

You get Alicia Keys. You can go back and forth. You get Vampire Weekend. And that's how it's supposed to be watched, right? You watch a little comedy. Do one of your, what's a punchline from the special? Not like the best one Don't give us a set up either. I'll do I'll do um

Man, I'm sick. Uh Alright, I got one for you guys. Have you guys seen that movie Megan? Yeah, for those of you haven't it's just like that movie Chucky except the doll is sexy as all hell the doll is sexy as all hell. BOOZLE! PURRY? Some People Want It All? Go back and forth between that and some. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. There you go. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. But like, look, you got a special tomorrow. I understand. Right?

And at the end of the day, Chicago, you fucking left. I left that Chicago city you said and guess what this crap and guess what? Fuck them fuck. I love them, but city of big shoulders. We live in only carry me so far I can't be living in the city. I grew up in too long I was there a long time is it true true you flew away on Dave Matthews' plane and that it was actually? You dumped some crap on it. Well that was their bus that dumped the crap over the bridge of the Chicago River.

But the plane has crap on it too, it's gotta go somewhere. But didn't you leave on his plane? Yeah, we dropped the crap over Gary, Indiana. Then you dropped the crap on his bus and then the bus? We dropped the crap out of the plane on Gary, Indiana, that's why it's been stank for the last two decades. Fuck that Gary, man. A little feud star in Carm versus Gary, Indiana. Dude, Chicago rips on Gary, Indiana because you have to

drive through it sometimes and fucking stinks like shit. I could be wrong. It might smell fine now, but maybe also we just like Michael and people being like I gotta get the fuck outta here, man. Jordan? Yes. Michael Jordan's saying I gotta get it? Michael Jordan, yes. Yeah, I mean he was, you know, he did his time.

He did his time! He built that city. You do your time! He built that city. I had to go to New York. You know, when I was doing comedy in Chicago, I was like, this guy's weird, he's aggressive. And then I go to New York and they open arms.

I've been hearing people say that about you, man. But you're cool. Yeah, I was, I would've heard that you were weird, but you've been really cool ever since I met you a couple minutes ago Damn have you guys people you hang out with her weird, but like you're fucking cool like it like who's weird thing I don't know name. Well people you hang out with I don't know who they're name I don't know who they are. I just see what they're doing online and I go I know Joe Joe I Joe's cool. I don't know Joe's Joe's Joe's a really good friend. I like Joe and Joe Joe's Joe Joe did it. Yeah, both Joe's have done this

Yeah, both Joe's are friends, but some of these people are fucking freaks But like are you being weird in the show in the special or like you're being normal? I think I'm just straight up being funny. And I have jokes that I work down. I love that. Funniness. That's all, yeah. I wish we could get back to that. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Cause stand up now, I feel like everybody's gotta have a message, right? Yeah, yeah, my message is pure stupidity. They're trying to teach me something. Yeah, I'm not trying to teach you shit. And I'm not here to learn. I'm not trying to teach you shit. I'm trying to make you laugh so hard. Don't dude. Don't. All I want is to make people laugh. That's all I want to do when I go on a

stage. I don't care. That's all I want. I do think there's so many people that want claps. But you should teach something too right? Yeah because I'm because it is gonna come back around at some point. Yeah I mean you gotta plan a little bit. Like, I want some medicine with my sugar, please. That's fine for right now, but eventually people are gonna show up and be like, hey, it's actually time to fucking, like talk about something for real.

Go to school. Yeah, it's time to go back to school. Go to school, I got nothing to teach you, buddy. I got nothing to teach. I'm here to make you fucking laugh at stupid shit. But you're a college boy. Like, you brought that up like two seconds into this thing.

I'm a college grad, what can I say? I'm one of the smarter people in the room. University of Iowa bachelor's marketing degree, John T. Tippie College of Business. Marketing degree. Marketing. Marketing. Marketing, this is what we need, okay? So part of why you're here is

We've all seen the promo video for your hats. Yep Mark you want to pull up and I watch it cuz I actually haven't seen it but I heard about it and we know I Didn't mean I'd seen it, but we've all seen it. We never did we got these hats. Mm-hmm, right? We never made a video. We never we never made a video. Are we live on YouTube? Uh, yeee... Kevin, can you confirm for me we are live on YouTube right now? We're about to be live on YouTube. I think we might be live.

We're gonna go live. We're multi-streaming, because we're live on Veeeps as well. That's true. Okay. So Kevin does bits too. Alright. Let's uh... My mic's not recording, so don't worry about that.

So basically... Listen, this promo... Is it recording now So basically, listen. Is it recording now? Yeah, sorry, go ahead. Basically this promo video, I made this promo video. I'm gonna tell you, let's watch. What's the hat look, or does it say in the video?

You'll see it in the video. It's a promo video to sell my merch hats. After we show the video, I want you to guess how much the video cost to make, and I want you to guess how many hats I sold. Hit me. Okay so Kevin can you be describing it as it like as we're watching it here because I don't want I like I have to be watching it thinking of stuff to say after it so. Okay you guys want headphones to hear it? I have headphones on already. Oh do I need mine on? If you want to hear the video you may know the video really well.

So let's look at some of the figures here. You turn my headphones down. Couple honks. We got a K. We got a brick of likes down there. This is good. And this is going back to December 7th, 2023. Here we go. Maybe click on the little speaker. Yeah. Start it over, start it over. Start it over, start it over.

This is my happy place. Yeah. This is where Kevin tells you you can't do that on Instagram. And be saying what's happening, Kevin. I like who I am. Start over, beautiful hat. Beautiful hat.

Start over. This is my happy place. And don't say, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, stop it, stop it, stop it. I like what I am. Don't be saying like the word. don't say, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Stop it, stop it, stop it. I like cramps. Don't be saying like the word. Don't say what they're saying. You're just saying the words that they're saying.

So be saying like what's happening in it. Yeah, like foreign, beautiful people. Yes, thank you. Hot people. Yes, it's hot people. Come on, Kevin. Can we call people hot now? Attractive, beautiful people.

I like cramps. Man says this is my happy place. Beautiful models. Oh, Carmen in a hat too. Everyone's doing beautiful poses, doing selfie with a hat, sunglasses at the baseball field. And where are they, Kevin? It looks like a park in front of a park baseball field. Uh oh, it's changing. Whoa! field. Uh oh, it's changing. Whoa, doing big bape hits. And now it's like a cool music

video. Or smoking. And now someone's riding a horse. I want to stay forever. These are the fruits of my labor. I like it here. I like I love having fun with my friends I like turtles. I like that's my Carmen Christopher So, okay, so so the promo video is a credible I I Do I want to do this? We just became such good friends. It's okay fucking tear it up. I, I, God, do I wanna do this? We just became such good friends. It's okay, fuckin' tear it up.

I just wanna say, and I'm a fan of your shit, dude, like I like your shit, you're the worst one in the video. It's okay. Duh, that's the point. But that's like so generous. There's one part. You know what I mean like no like I'm I'm a fucking asshole dude when I make a video. I gotta eat I Need to be I need I need the big piece of chicken

I'm in the edit getting fucking pissed off if I watch this anybody else is being good Everyone else is eating except me, but I added that's I edit it with my friend if I watch this. Anybody else is being good? Everyone else is eating except me. But I edit it with my friend. This is what I'm saying. I'm doing that too in my version. I'm just getting pissed off. Yeah. The point was that,

so I didn't wanna be in it. I didn't wanna be in it. I was like, let me just get these hot. That's coming across. That's what I say too. That's what I would say in mine too, where I'd be like I didn't want to be in this but then once I'm in it Bibb yeah, it's no I eat enough. So here's the thing is I Was like put on a poncho cuz I'm eating messy these kids

These guys mm-hmm beautiful people are they how are they like third 20s 30s? Okay? I don't know their names or a great age Yeah, I found them on they honestly look like they could be on this industry show They haven't keep sending me videos. They're cool. They're and they're foreign for sure But it sounds like they're all from the same place. No, they're all from different countries Wow They're all from different countries. I liked all their looks and they were gonna just do it and then my friend who was shooting it, they're like, you have to be in it. And I was like, I guess that is funny.

And then I'll just say something stupid. But regardless, I just thought it would be funny to make a promo with hot people. Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. And then. And they had that shit on. It's a formula that works for sure.

Yeah. You know who the first person we launched our hat with was? Who? And God bless him in all respect, Paul Rust. I love Paul. I just did an improv show with him. We love him too. I'll tell you who doesn't.

Hat customer. Yeah, the hat consumer is not having the kind of reaction to him that I imagine they would have to like the woman with the glasses and the gentleman with the glasses and the other people. They're hot. They're hot, that's why I did that. Guess how much that video cost

and guess how many hats I sold. Okay, well, back to the napkin math. How much are the hats? Put me on the spot. The hats are 30. Did they get to keep them? I gave them each a hat. Okay, so right there. And I paid them for the spot. The hats are 30. Did they get to keep them? I gave them each a hat. Okay, so right there.

And I paid them for the video. Okay. And the horse. I'm gonna get a little kick back there. Did you pay for the footage? Or did you? It's on film. It's not on film.

It's not on film. We put a film grain over it. Okay. Did you get a permit for the field or are we sort of not running and gun? Okay running gun everything maybe awesome. I remember Yeah, dude, it was all gorilla hat promo making and it was just we were doing it for the love of the game What made me the word what made me the worst in the video? What made me the worst and you said? Carmen. What made me the worst? And you said, I just wanna say,

you said it was all like cool. You say, you say whatever. And now, now I can tell that you're like, You said like half at it. What made me the worst? But now let's get into it. Let's get into the nitty gritty. What made me the worst?

They were. I really became accustomed to the accents. Yes. As like a, as like a very like a very comfortable place for me to be that every time someone spoke, that there was going to be just a little bit of sauce on the pronunciation of the words. Sure.

That when you spoke so clearly, which in your standup and in some of your comedy videos I've seen, I normally enjoy, it was very jarring. Nails on a chalkboard for me to hear the lack of accent. And they actually seem like they're friends. Yes. I actually bought into the idea that they were just there. They're vibing.

Hanging out on the bleachers, the word that Kevin couldn't come up with, because he's never on it. He was on your bench. A cheered bench with because he's never on, he was on. And you would say that I'm some sort of fish out of water. They were very effortless in their portrayal. God, they were so comfortable. You were at work. You had your hard hat on, you clocked in.

Would you say that they're models and I'm not? What I would say is they were existing and you were performing. Yes. Okay. And there was an effortfulness to your delivery. They're professional models and I am not is what we're saying. Yeah, but I'm not saying that. I'm saying that there was a lot of palpable effort in the delivery of your line, which was towards the end of the video. And I thought that when they were doing the lines, it was almost like they didn't even know what they were saying.

And the idea that there's professional models, like I just go up to people now and, you know, I'll do my thing where I'm like, hey, like I'm just taking pictures of people. Like, I just liked your look. Would you like to be a part of a photo shoot? Like I promised it would be good. Come back to my studio.

It's interesting. And I'm not taking it. The reason, the reason. There's no film camera. All the reasons that you don't like the video are the reasons why. That's why it's good. I like it. That's what's good about it.

That's why, I'm not saying it's good. That's why I like it. So you were doing that on purpose. Everything that's in there is intentional. Everything that's in there is intentional. Everything that's in there is done on purpose. That's making me think about it totally differently. I think you might be the best part of the whole thing. I think that-

So you got full, your belly got full off that, huh? You were eating. I am genuinely happy with every aspect of the video. The video's good. And I also think it's kind of a weird setting to watch it. I think it's like nice to watch it on your phone. It's better on your phone at home. People are throwing stuff up on the TV now.

I love that. I think that's cool. People are actually like kicking back and just like. Just Instagram Reels. Taking over. You know, I'm a very defensive person I love that. I think that's people are actually like kicking back and just like I Taking you know, I'm a very defensive person and I'm dying to watch something that you're in now Oh, I'm dying to watch anything that you're in. Okay, just so you can roast my ass 100% well, I mean what we wanted to for process wise we wanted to AM wanted to make our own. Another AMC show Kevin can fuck himself is up on Netflix now. I of course portray Curtis Wirtz, the drugstore employee. So I don't know if you wanna watch the whole series.

I would like to watch you in a scene of season. You kinda have to watch the whole series. Well, like this is the entire thing, right? This whole thing in isolation. I watched all of the promo video. When he's making his choices on his show, which is now on Netflix. Yeah, just got on there. Then he's building off of everything that has come before him on the show, so we can't

just watch that clip. You know what I mean? Okay, let's guess how much the video was, guess how many hats I okay. Okay. Let's guess guess how much the video was guess how much how many hats I sold, okay? Video well you told me up to like a hundred the hats when he heard he had her 120 no matter what? But that's not cost what's no what are your margins on the hat? Yeah? That's what you sell them for I can't talk about that online well We know we're gonna find out cuz we're gonna learn the're in the budget. You're not getting that info, I'm not on this. I got kids sewing those, no that's not funny.

Okay, I'm gonna go backward. From the final result of the dollar amount, we're gonna figure out how much the hats cost. I just want you to know you're putting that out there. We got people that are gonna crunch that out. Just let's do this so that we can move on. I'm good at this, yeah. So I actually am good at this. Like we got people that are gonna like crunch that out. Just let's do this so that we can move on. I'm good at this, yeah.

So I actually am good at this. $80. That's how much I made? That's how much the video cost? Yeah. Okay. How much do you think? Did you pay yourself?

No. You can't, yeah. That's the way to do it. You gotta do that. Ketchup for dinner. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah.

Little knife and fork. Little knife and fork. Little plate of ketchup. Get ketchup out of the freezer. Do you feed them? Crack open the bottle with a hammer. No, that was a one hour shoot. You cannot feed them.

Not even ketchup. The ketchup is just for you. No, you can't share the ketchup. They were asking for Ubers. First of all, not everybody wants to eat it that way. They were asking for Ubers? One of them asked for an Uber. I said, nah.

What do you think this is? Said, nah. Yeah. Said you're getting a hat and some, I paid each of them $100. They were encountering the Uber mensch. Your force of will. They each got $100 for an hour.

Hey, nice work if you can get it. I'm just gonna tell you how much the video costs is taking forever Oh, well, I guessed $80. Hey, did you have a guess? Let me You're already wrong He's wrong. So wrong. I paid them each 100 bucks. Yeah, so you're already you're out. You're out. Yeah, we're just talking now 40 Yeah, we're just talking now 40 Yeah, I'm gonna get on my phone so you went lower I told you it's 300 so you said a 40 There's three of them in there. It seemed like there were so many more, but I guess you're showing the same people Different times so if there was more than it would cost more. I was three of them There's three of them. You did a good job making it seem like they were way more guys. I thought there was so many

Yeah, it's only three. I made it look like there was more That was intentional. Okay. All right the video was the second best person in the video the video cost two grand Okay. All right. Guess how many hats I saw? Zero, I sold zero hats. Zero hats? I sold zero hats. I wouldn't have gotten there. Well, how do you know that that didn't,

because you don't have a code. I sold zero, exactly. But there's no promo code, so you don't know whether it translated into sale. That's exactly what my manager said. He said, first of all, he goes, how have I not seen this? Secondly, we don't know that you're selling hats.

And I said, I like to keep my things a little bit, you know. So I just give this shit away for free. This guy's manager is soaking him for 10% or whatever and where I'm saying the exact same shit. Hayes doesn't have a piece of you. For nothing? He said you have no promo code. So I think you've actually got a manager here.

I'm gonna re-put up the, here's what my issue is in this entire, here's what my issue is in the existence of this industry, is that I'll do the thing, but I won't do the extra little thing that makes me cringe. Uh-huh. Like I won't. That's what the show's about too, honestly.

I mean based on the click that they're sending me. Integrity. I have integrity. I sold zero hats. I got the report. There was, and I have a ton of clicks on my link, my link tree, I saw people go to it, and sold zero hats. Well, I'll tell ya, if the extra piece

that makes you cringe is selling hats, you're not gonna like being involved in the hat bag. You think it's funny that you sold zero. It's a good podcast story. It's pretty funny. It's pretty like. The video was more expensive than I thought. I mean.

Well, so I kinda got screwed, you know. The horse, right? The horse. The horse rates. Well, no, I had to pay for an editor. I sat with them, and then I was like, then I had to pay. And was this like one of your boys

or someone who you, like, is not giving you a. It's this guy, Dean. He's actually, he's a young guy who slipped in my DMs and was like, yeah, I'm looking at it. Did the same thing to me. He's like, I'm looking to edit some stuff. Dean's in there, man. Dean's messaging.

Yeah. Dean wants to edit, but Dean doesn't go cheap. Oh, surprise, surprise. He wants to get paid. Okay. So why are you coming to me and just tell me you want money? Yeah, I mean I should start DM We're like hey, I'm looking to edit stuff. It was back is I just want the money it works honestly like what?

What you should have done instead is be like hey, I have this hat you just message people like I have a hat Do you want to wear it it cost money? Mm-hmm, and then more and then honestly more people would buy the hat. Now you're playing the Dean game. Do you want to buy a hat off me? It could be a range. Maybe a swap. Nah, I'm good, Doug.

30 bucks. How about labor? So give him one dollar and the hat. And he's on the hook. You can convert this from here. You can actually get 30 bucks out of him. And he carries cash. Put it this way, you fucked me with the parking. this guy didn't tell me there's a parking spot right I text him

I say hey, I'm running a little bit behind sure I'll be here 1001 But then I have to find parking perfect opportunity to say we have a spot here. What does he say? You're not the only one that got F today Carmen. Well Scott F Big Daddy. Who's that? Me, babe. Don't call me babe. Why'd you get effed?

I walk in, none of these cameras are working. You're texting me. Effed is, so when he says effed, the show Factually, with Adam Conover, records before this, so getting effed is getting factually. It's getting factually and they bring their own cameras. Adam needs like special cameras. What do you guys think about Adam Conover? He said these ones don't get close enough to him.

He just did our show and he fucking, the ball's still flying. Yeah, he killed. Like the fucking barrel exit VLO. It's gonna be a dip, I'm telling you. Every time I do a podcast that I don't Numbers are low. Yeah, it's gonna suck. No one's ass. I'll share it. I'll share it. I'll share on Instagram stories great Yeah, please promote it. I would be great for us stories only Yeah, this isn't going on the grid. Are you kidding me?

Well, I mean what? What do you mean? Well, I mean, based on what we know from your fucking grid performance, like- The stories may be where you wanna live. So stories is okay with me. My grid performance recently has been really good. What if there was a grid-worthy clip? Like, what would make, okay, this is cool.

Okay, this is actually cool. What would be a clip, right? Like an epic clip of the podcast that would make you wanna share it. It's gotta have three elements, right? It's gotta be funny as hell. It's gotta feel authentic. And ideally, it's also going to be

about something you're passionate about, whether it's your special, your own style of comedy, maybe even your family, Carmen, or the city of Chicago. But why don't we try to identify what that element is, and then we'll find an authentic, funny way to weave it into our conversation, and that can get isolated as a clip that could be on your grid and help all of us win together.

You don't need fancy equipment, you don't need to buy followers or anything like that. All you need is a formula that works every single time. It's authenticity, something you're passionate about, and it's gotta be fun as hell. And it's gotta be funny as hell. Which by the way, you've got that taken care of. Ha ha ha ha!

Though we don't even, I don't even have to mention that one. I think we just got the clip. Ha ha ha ha! Oh no! Oh my God, I'm gonna kill myself. We don't even I don't have to mention that one. I think we just got the clip Kill myself yeah, yeah, I have to Move for a different reason Well the same reason it's this show. I didn't know you guys were like. I didn't know you guys are like bullies Okay, okay, okay. Come on. Come on.

You guys love this shit. Whoa. Hollywood handbook. Well, it's happened to all of us, but getting ripped off is no joke, especially when there are razors involved. The people at Harry's were tired of seeing everyday people paying way too much for low quality shaving products,

so they found a way to make beautifully designed razors with laughably high price prices. Clean Harry is here. And paying too much for other services too. It's not just razors that you don't wanna get ripped off. Getting ripped off is bad no matter what. What are you, are you referring to something specific? Might be.

Got a new gig. Okay. You didn't like beards, but that's not, that's not what you're talking about. Should have used a Harry's razor, I guess, but I ripped them off. You're talking about getting ripped off in some other industry, and that's related to a new job. People are getting ripped off, and they're getting ripped off.

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, You're talking about getting ripped off in some other industry and that's related to a new job that you have. People are getting ripped off and they don't always

know the right price for services, but you go ahead and reach out to Clean Harry. Next time you want to rent a pontoon boat at Lake Arrowhead. Okay. Next time you want to rent a pontoon boat at Lake Arrowhead. And this is a gig that you have is running on? Next time you want to rent a pontoon boat at Lake Arrowhead. And this is a gig that you have is running on? I am a partial investor on a pontoon boat.

Two levels, has a slide you can take into the lake. It's one boat that can be rented. It's 16% of one boat that I'm talking about. It has two levels. The prices are insane. 16% of one boat that I'm talking about. The prices are insane. No one else will get you this deal. I'm the captain, Clean Air is the captain. I've basically got my license for it.

I will take that boat out with you. Everything else, everything that comes up. While you're there, you're gonna go in the water, right? Shave your whole stuff. Shave everything with Harry's razors. Take from me, clean Harry. You don't want any resistance from hair. Shave in like a lake or a pond or something.

When you're going down, before you go in, because you're gonna swim. First of all, don't wanna get your hair stuck on the slide. Slide's sticky, we're working on it. Oh my God. Slide is very sticky right now. We are working on that. And you know what I say.

I want to talk a little about these razors. Not too soon, too pontoon. I do want to hear, I guess I'm curious who, the other investors, you say we. We can't do mornings. Okay. German engineered blades made in their own factory that stay sharp longer.

Customizable delivery options for schedule refills. Or nights obviously. As low as two dollars. Half of what you pay for other big brands. Get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover for just three bucks at harrys.com slash the boys. Richly lathering skin, softening body wash,

and scents like redwood wildlands and stone and some other stuff. It's a late afternoon play mainly. Highest customer satisfaction in the shaving industry. No risk trial. Don't like your shave. No worries. It's on them.

Convenient subscription option that you can cancel anytime. Who are the, I mean the partners on? They're all online. Okay. Stop getting ripped off with Harry's. You can get a shave. That's a cut above the rest. We do it over cash app.

Get started with a $13 trial set for just $3 at harrys.com slash the boys. The where and what do you mean online? What do you mean they're online? We're so we are a part of an online community of hustlers who's. That's harrys.com. Heavy grind, grind set has united us. who's that's Harry's dot com heavy grind

mindset has united us and I know you're thinking oh clean air is getting catfish he's not punk cuz one of them is Neve that's that's Harry's dot com that's Harry's dot com slash the boys for a $3 trial set. Hey listeners, if you love Parks and Recreation, then you have to check out the rewatch podcast, Parks and Recreation, brought to you by Team Coco.

Hosted by Jim O'Hare, AKA Larry, Jerry, Gary, Gurgich and Greg Levine, Parks and Rec writer. The duo breaks down every episode of the iconic hit TV show and takes you behind the scenes with stories you'd never know otherwise. Jim was just on our podcast. I wasn't there for that much of it, but I feel like where I was, Sean telling me about it enough. And then, and then I said, and then I had the funniest idea

but I slow played it. Jesus. I'll listen to, I just can't feel, can I just listen to it? I'm not going to listen to it, but I just like, I cannot hear this again. They also invite friends of the show like Adam Scott, Rob Lowe, Fred Armisen, Ben Schwartz.

There's one that's been on our podcast. Thank goodness. That was a log list in the desert for a minute. And more familiar faces to talk about all your favorite moments. Listen to Parks and Recollection wherever you get your podcasts. Hey guys, it's Haze. Don't let the back to school season set back your nutrition. Green Chef is making it easy to stick to your healthy eating habits with a new, more flexible menu featuring over 35 customizable recipe options every week. Now we have the Green Chef here. Yes, it's Chef Kevin.

Chef Kevin is a Green Chef now. He sent me an email and said, I'm ready to be the Seth Green Chef this week. No, it's just Green Chef. It's not even the Green Chef, let alone the Seth Green Chef. And he has a dish that he has created for Green Chef. Now new options on real Green Chef include doubling your portion of protein or veggies or swapping to a plant-based protein like organic tofu or tempeh.

And you can do dairy-free, gluten-free, vegetarian or vegan. And they have over 15 recipes every week to support those lifestyles and more. Now you'll also find over 15 weekly recipes that are ready in 25 minutes or less. So you'll have the power to tailor the menu to your needs, satisfying and nourishing everyone in your family in about 30 minutes.

And so Kevin, what do you have that can compete with this? Buckle up. It's a smoothie actually, which is kind of a dish. It's an athlete's dish. And I've been calling it nutter face it is a suicide of all of the milks whole milk 2% almond milk oat milk and Peanuts I Blend it for five minutes. You're supposed to be Stopping us from doing things in an ad that will get the ad ended. You're not supposed to be doing them.

You're supposed to be stopping that. You drink it so fast it gets all over your face. Oh my God. Green Chef's healthiest menu ever access to thousands of top rated gyms and fit, and I like using Green Chef. I save time cooking dinner. I actually find the recipes are ready in 25 minutes or less. It's not fake like some of these other ones.

And for a limited time, new Green Chef subscribers will also receive 50 free credits to use at ClassPass, about a month's worth of membership. That's amazing. I can use it for my class when I was stand up without falling over. Go to greenchef.com slash the boys class for 50% off your first box plus 50 free credits with class pass. That's code the boys class. Oh the boys class. Oh the boys class, isn't it? At greenchef.com slash the boys class to get 50% off your first box plus free 50 class pass credits.

Greenchef.com slash the boys class, the number one meal kit for eating well. Hello. Hollywood ham. Carmen, when I blocked the door and said, where's my hug, did you not like that? When I blocked the door and said, where's my hug, did you not, did you do that? Kevin does it in a way where like,

either do it or don't at this point. Did you ask for a hug? You're not blocking the door. Wait, this is such an interesting segue into something that happened last night. Either do it or don't at this point. Did you ask for a hug? You're not blocking the door. Wait, this is such an interesting segue into something that happened last night with my girlfriend. Okay. It's something that he's passionate about.

It's going to be up that dick. Stop, don't set it up. Don't set it up. Let's just talk. God damn it. Okay, okay. Tell me. Tell me what happened with your girlfriend.

I'm all ears. I'm a wife guy myself. Me and my girlfriend got into a fight last night because um I haven't seen her in a month and I and I had a show and she got back and um I Smoked a cigarette after the show she didn't go to the show. She didn't go to show She was invited, but she's like I got to like get back to Zen She gets enough of that and so. And so, bad boy. I smoked a cig, one.

What's your brand? Whoever's got the free cigarette. A single ret. If I had to choose, I'd say Parliament Light. But I'm not a big smoker. The recessed filter, right? Maybe a couple smokes a week. Because it is recess for you.

It's a little time in the schoolyard. It's time to play. Recessed p-sets. Have you ever been in a fight? Yeah. Is anyone ever punched you? Yeah, it's a little time in the school yard. Well, it's time to play recess Punched you yeah I've got punched so many times. It's like not even but it was like when I was younger. Mm-hmm Yeah, for real you do get punch when you're good. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever punch anybody? Yeah, but I hurt my hand anybody yeah but I hurt my hand my hair pretty bad broke my finger wait where are you from Connecticut course you're rich where you from Massachusetts oh my god I'm hanging out with a bunch of rich guys all right come on but yeah

privilege kids a bunch of privilege kids bullying me. Alright, so I get home, I smoke a cig, my girlfriend, I haven't seen her in a month, I go to hug her and she pushes me away, and I'm like, because I smell like, she's like, I smelled like cig, I'm like, who cares, I haven't seen you in a month, I'm not blowing smoke in your face.

Right? Pushes me away. Hurts my feelings, I go shower seen you in a month. I'm not blowing smoke in your face. Yeah, right pushes me away Hurts my feelings I go shower and I go to bed. She's like what's wrong. I'm like well. I don't push me away Yeah, what do you want me to do now? And so we got enough like I smoked a cigarette basically I'll tell you I'm like what am 12? I'm the Carmen in my relationship. I am constantly trying to get that hug. sulking from a lack of hugs.

Really? Yeah! Bums you out? Where's my hug? And then what happens? Where is it? A fight. When do you not get a hug? When do I not get a hug? I'll give you the list of when I do get a hug because that's the shorter list.

All right, give me that. This guy is in the hug. Every morning before I leave. So, and let me introduce myself a little bit. I'm Carmen's GF. I'm the one who's GF mm-hmm I'm the one with doing the pushing big two-handed push saying no no like I don't want the hug the Elaine Venice get out seen in a month but that's because I want you to want to hug me so much so

you actually have to like fight to get it the hug has to be worth overcoming overcoming a trial. Sounds like assault though. Yeah I don't know if somebody says don't hug me you can't keep going to hug them. We're at a different age now. We're just at home. You know what I mean? We're just hanging out at home. It's not like that. We're just like we're just playing around a little bit. Someone says no you stop. I'm just saying what I want, okay? I'm just putting this out there for everyone. Carmen, put that in your stand up. Okay.

Because this is the message underneath the bunny that we can get. I need you to stand up. Sneak up. Sneak up behind me. I really need you. Arms around my tummy. And I'm going to struggle. I'm going to be like, no! No! You've got to interlock the fingers with him. And I want gonna struggle, I'm gonna be like, no! No! You gotta interlock the fingers with him.

Yes. Yeah. And I want shh shh shh shh. He'll wiggle, he won't like actually. Rock me back and forth a little bit. Are you guys both married? Unfortunately. Not when we're doing the show.

Yeah. I just like, you know. During the actual, during the recording time, there's an agreement we both have. We are single as hell and we're dogs. The ring light, they call it a ring light for a reason, because when that ring light goes on, the ring comes off. Yeah, the ring becomes very light.

It flies right off my finger, floats away. And how did you two meet? We were trying, so we both went out and lied to cheat on our spouses, and we ended up accidentally talking to each other and meeting, you know. That was kind of our... It's interesting, because we both were pretending

to be a girl. And I don't know why. You know, as I look back, that wasn't an effective way to get what I actually wanted in that chat room. But then we just hit it off and became these girlfriends and we were so nervous, we were effectively catfishing one another. And just worked out in a way where we kind of still are.

And it was kind of the type of conversation, even though we were both like pretending to be girls and like looking for something else, but like even as we're just chatting, it was kind of like, we should, someone should be like recording this. Yeah, it was really funny. And I was like, I can't believe I met a girl

who is this much like an annoying guy. Yes, yes. Like I am. Yes. And so it felt like really special, and it has been, but it's also been a bitter disappointment. Yes. In the same way, like we did not get

what we were seeking at all from our original encounter, we made the mistake of thinking, oh well we'll get it with the next ambition we pursue together. Maybe when we team up, yeah, but then we ultimately. Instead of learning the lesson from the first time, which is like, no, this is gonna play out the exact same way as the other thing.

It's not gonna be what you're thinking. This podcast. It'll be its own little thing, but not what you were hoping for. This podcast is really a catfish lesbian relationship that has been attempting to bring in a third. And the energy of that third has consistently been, what we're finding from you is that we get called bullies.

We get told that they want to kill themselves. Okay, being rich is bad. And yeah. It was to me. Being rich is good. Being rich is good. But you guys grew up with rich parents, so it's nice to just remind you guys that

you didn't earn anything. I've been grinding. I've been grinding. Did you grow up in Greenwich? No. We're in Connecticut. New Haven County. County. Cheshire, Connecticut. I don't know anything about Connecticut except for Greenwich. Okay, so why'd you ask?

Because I just know it's like a rich state. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because there's only one kind of person in Connecticut. I guess, I guess. It's actually one of the most diverse communities on planet Earth. Whoa.

If you actually go there. I guess if you go and look at the variety of wildlife that you can find in the Connecticut forests, you'd realize that the biodiversity is off the charts. I would love to. A single tide pool. I would love to. In a hyena sport.

I would love to spend Thanksgiving with your family. Okay, you can. I mean, we're going to Orlando this year. I can do that. Okay, because I just easily, if you want the Connecticut experience, we can do it, but it can't be Thanksgiving because this year we're going to Orlando.

I've done a show in Orlando once. It was Goofy Lavon. Goofy, Mickey, Minnie, Mickey, it was all. You got him. It was all the, yeah, it was the whole squad. The whole squad was there the Orlando improv have you guys been there just a strip mall Have you guys been to Orlando? Well, yeah So I

Have some family there Who's your family? This is now getting like really intense for me Um this is like that This is the seven fishes right is this not the seven fishes Can't I mean not seen the was that like it's boil it were you like feeling? help fake that was I Thought that was the best episode of television. I've ever seen even while you were there. I wasn't in that episode. I wasn't there See this is it. I gotta be

If they're doing Thanksgiving dinner on my show I got it. You're gonna have to make me a bad You know what I mean? Yeah, you know I'm showing up. You're gonna have to yeah gotta a plate. I gotta eat. You know what I mean? Yeah, you know. I'm showing up and you're gonna have to make me a plate. You gotta serve me up something. I like being in it very little. It's better. That's your choice. So in the same as the hat video, everything is intentional.

It's by design. Absolutely. That's making me reevaluate that as well. It's a little bit punk rock. Are you ready? For what? You know, you had to kind of like pull some stuff up. Oh yeah.

Orlando of it all. About my family in Orlando? Well, basically, the people I consider to be my family. This could be the clip. This is gonna be very, very funny. Yeah. This is gonna be hilarious. Well funny. This is gonna be hilarious. And authentic.

I do wanna ultimately get some big laughs and I think the way that they come is out of truth. Is the camera. Turn the TikTok camera on, Kevin. TikTok camera's on. So we have to put out the TikTok camera for certain moments of the show because this is gonna get isolated.

Ah. Bye. That's it, hi. Is that the end of the, that's the end? Yeah. No! No! No! Hollywood handbook.

That was a hate gum podcast.