Hollywood Handbook - James Austin Johnson, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

The Boys welcome back JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON (SNL) to prepare him for a medical emergency.See Hollywood Handbook live and live-streaming in LA with special guest Claudia O’Doherty August 29th! Tickets available here.Watch the video of today’s episode with James at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I won't talk about it Hayes try to talk to me about the show Hey So there's this amazing show Get away from me Get away from me I really tried to sell it Oh my arm just popped out Oh no that's real Are you okay?

Can we do anything? Yeah I'm okay it's back in I'm sorry Don't cut just leave it all in there this is i might throw a journey yeah i might throw up sometimes he throws it's been a long time since it comes out and if it comes out again here's what we all need to do okay usher me over to this table and this is gonna be you you, James. Okay. Okay. Just sort of, just sort of usher me over. That, that language, I think we could get even clearer.

Like, is James grabbing your hips and putting your butt on the table? Like, how are you being ushered to the table? That doesn't feel usher. That doesn't feel like ushering to me. Well, I don't, well, his arm is out. So like ushering to me actually is don't well his arm is out so like ushering to me actually is probably taking someone by the arm and guiding them and i know that's not what you want and you'd have to talk in an old lady voice and i'd have to have a little flashlight

for you to feel comfortable ushering yes actually i'm gonna usher you yeah i want you to i i'm not gonna be in the moment where I can direct the scene. You know what I mean? Be careful. Be careful. That's what I do. Normally I'm the host. Hey, be careful telling him to usher you anywhere because he has a bag of impressions that is very deep.

So you say like, hey, can you usher me over here? And he'll go, how do you make me want to be the one? And he'll start doing these dance moves he'll spin this chair around and you do usher sit on the chair yeah everybody everyone always wants me to do usher they've been asking you to do usher on the show yeah and it's been and it's i don't want to talk about the show no i can't talk about the show here's what i'll talk about i will say that um we should probably come up with a different name for the uh prestigious um uh producer of the show okay uh to avoid illegal porn

okay so this is sort of just sort of an open industry secret is that they had been looking for someone to play usher since about 1998, 1999. An obsession of porn bike holes. I had heard through the grapevine, way before I ever got to the show, I knew that they were looking for an Usher. And so I started chipping away at it. And not to sound pretentious, but it really is like I am Rodan

and I've got a big marble block. Yeah. And I've got a chisel and I got a- That doesn't sound pretentious to me at all. You don't think that sounds pretentious? No. Because that's the only thing that fits to me. You have to honor the process and it's like,

I'm trying to think of what else you could even use to describe it that would give someone an idea. And while it's the big marble block, it could be anything. It could be anything. Yeah, right. For one minute, you know, I'm, you know, I'm, as I start to. It could be a Farina.

It could be Dennis Farina. It could be, it could be Leslie Nielsen. It could be, it could be Joe Pantoliano. Yeah. And I just have to keep chipping away at that. I'll take a, I'll take a piece from Joe Pantoliano. Yeah. And I just have to keep chipping away at that. I'll take a, I'll take a piece from Joe Pantoliano. I'll take a,

I'll take a piece from Enrico Colantoni. A dash of Kathy Bates. And a dash of, who? Kathy Bates. I have, I have strict sort of,

a no, a no woman voices rule. Yeah. Oh, okay. Because I want to leave that open to women performers. Mr. Bates. Women rule. Yeah. Because I want to leave that open to women performers. More of a Mr. Bates. Women performer.

Yeah. I guess you consider yourself more of a Mr. Bates. Also, I noticed you asked for a suggestion for the guy's name, and we both gave you one. Wait, of whose name? You couldn't say his real name. I can't say his real name. You't you ask for a suggestion we suggested porn bike holes yeah i've noticed you haven't used it at all yeah it's like you needed the name

but then what did you need it for making use of the name we provided which i have to say is pretty strong okay i didn't say the name and and I haven't said title of show. And I've been, you know, under the deal worked out between Fran and Duncan and the AMPTP, I've been given sort of a list of ways that I can speak about some of these things. Okay. And so I'm allowed to say the creator, and i'm allowed to say title of broadcast show i'm not allowed to say the real word give us and take it away um so even even if we were to talk about porn porn bike holes and all that well and i'm happy to hear you use the name at long last like even if i were to do that i had to summon a lot of

what kind of what remains of my strength to come up with that this guy we still don't know how to usher this guy if this guy we haven't even established if it happens again like once again right now i'm the host right yeah but you are gonna have to take over a lot of the hosting role yeah if my shoulder pops out of its socket again i can't have to usher me over the table i can't be that put me face down on the table okay and you asked where should i sit and kevin put you here and normally you're you're supposed to have him agree it's like on an airplane that he is at some point maybe gonna have to step in if i get hurt yeah in case of an

emergency hey his arm pops out we need to know that you're capable of ushering him over to this table face down on the table face down on the table yes yeah and then sing a little bit of confessions part two i think that's what we're gonna need i see this is how what i do in my stand-up is i delay the big voices to the very end about the last 3-4 seconds of the show and so I really like to leave them wanting so I think we might get around to that usher

yeah that actually is that's got me excited that's going to keep me plugged into the show because I do drift off I do have a tendency to kind of drift away and just let the show kind of wash over me so we don't we don't have to talk about the show i i mean i just have one one question that

i think a lot of people probably ask you a lot about broadcast comedy program yeah not about the program so like you do live television yeah yeah i can say that yeah do you have so you're like you're doing the show yeah yeah yeah do you ever yeah he's not doing it not no he has but when you have done it when you've done it in the past if you even like if you could like remember if you remember being have you do you are you ever just like feeling horny while you're doing it? Yeah. Not necessarily like. I was. Same question. It's a different phrasing a little bit.

Are you hard as a fucking rock out there? Well, so this is actually. I didn't. Yeah. I actually wanted to say. It's not like you necessarily like have a boner or whatever. Just when you're horny. While you're doing the show.

Uh-huh. Are you ever just doing it? And like. Because it's live. It's live. So could people be watching you and just doing it? And like, because it's live. It's live. So could people be watching you and just like know at home, not like he has a boner or something,

but it's possible. Let's not take it off the table though. He doesn't have to. They're mutually exclusive. Yeah. But they don't have to be. They don't. No, it's not mutually.

I said not necessarily like he has a burner or something but people are like watching at home could it be possible that they're watching you and being like he's horny sometimes doing the show they could like tell their friends like i actually learned a piece of trivia that he's sometimes feeling horny when he's doing the show or is there a mechanism where you're like hey can we do mine later or something like when you move shuffle the sketches around where it's just like i think i'll be a little less horny probably in the whatever i b block or yeah you know i don't know how you separate those yeah you know it's um the sort of i would say say. It's a good question. Let's say that first.

It's a good question. Let's get that out of the way because I don't want to blow past. No, no, no. I'm just trying to. Honoring kind of our contribution. Obviously, the answer, I hope, is as good. Well, here's the thing, is that I always get asked the same questions about the show. Yeah.

And this is, it's not the first time that I've gotten this question. No, no, no one is saying it is. And honestly, I forgot to ask. The first time around when I came on the show, you forgot to ask me that. You came on the show, I forgot. Yeah, I think I'm a beaver. I drifted off during that episode. I mean, that was a classic one where I was just kind of somewhere else, man.

I don't remember either of you two being there. where I was just kind of somewhere else, man. I don't remember either of you two being there. I was definitely there, and I know because a lot of people were pissed at me afterwards for not asking me the horny question. Yeah, because I forgot. Horniness. I would say that because the show is,

I mean, first of all, writers first. Writers first. And writing first. We are nothing without our writers. We're nothing without those writers. And I say that as someone who has nothing to do with the entertainment industry. Yeah, we're nothing without those writers. And the show is very writer-focused.

And if it is in the cards, you know, we have to do it. You've got to find a way to transmit that, right? Through the camera. Transmit that and through the power of performance. Find a way to bring those cards on. I know not everyone watches the video. What he did with his body when he said performance.

There was a change in posture and there was this sort of opening up and you were talking about trying to transmit what's on the cart. James, this was just a moment ago and you were able to sort of reveal yourself. There was a more vulnerable stance that you took and you kind of palms out, you know, arms splayed. Crystallized. And just present it and just presented to me.

And I felt, wow, this guy's trying to send me something, send me some energy. And it was really beautiful. And it was just on the word performance. And I say, I don't know if it's training. I don't know if it's the horniness that's all bottled up from not being able to take the stage and it's coming out here.

But it was really powerful. We have an answer. If that happens, but it was really powerful. If that is what happens, we have an answer. If that happens, but it was really powerful here in the room. Yeah, thank you for saying that. And to get that kind of acknowledgement is, it's really hard to come by, I would say, in the New York style of sketch comedy. Yes, yes, yes.

People can be very withholding, I think, in Nework sketch comedy circles and it's all in here it's all in it's all tucked in it's tucked in and tight when they've got their cigarettes so they've got their arm across their chest and they're smoking the cigarette on the opposite side of their mouth and it's closing off you know because you guys know that i was here for 10 years and yeah i'm from the South. And obviously, performers and the way theater works and comedy works in the South is totally different from out here. Smoke cigarettes and wide open, like a hugging stance. Oh, yeah.

Bring the hand close like this. You start in a hug, and then you bring the hand close to smoke the cigarette. Like a warm-up before a sketch show in middle tennessee would like you're a teddy like a doll that the the the boy just walked into the room and you have to pretend to be a like a doll again to um to blend in with the other toys that aren't as animated as you. I wasn't moving around. I've been a doll just like everyone else in here. And then I came to LA in 1998, 1999. Here now.

CC2 now. Yeah. CS 38 and 99. Okay. I came to LA and I had to learn a completely different approach. And like, okay, I feel like we need to give people context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I played Tevye in Fiddler for 15 years at Tennessee Rep.

Then I came to LA to get into the alt comedy stand-up scene. And through just friends of friends of friends, I ended up playing Tevye at Pantages for like 10 years. Yeah. Every time. 25 years of Tevye, you know, and it's different in LA. It's different in LA. Oh, it's the same show.

No, not really. Not really. We're doing it. It better not be actually because, yeah, the audience will feel that. They would notice. I like yeah everyone's in the industry people would notice in la if i were doing tevye in a southeastern style and um yes so i really had to adjust that and everybody wants me to do the voice all the time they're always like

please do tevye do tevye yeah i was i was i was hoping when you said you saved the big voices for the end of this show that we might get a little tevye there might be a little tevye at the end and i'm you know the strike ended so many projects and of course there's the big show uh with porn that i do and um sorry the creator and um the big thing i was gearing up to because you know everybody goes and does their stuff in the summer the big thing that i was gearing up to, because, you know, everybody goes and does their stuff in the summer. The big thing that I was gearing up for was, in fact, a film to Fiddler.

Oh, wow. To go back. And it is dead in the water. It's dead in the water, yeah. Yeah. Because, like, the version I feel like you're famous for is that it's L.A. Tevye, who is, like, a teen. He's a teen influencer, right?

He's like a hot young guy. Yeah, and... And even by the time you came out here, I think people were like, okay, he's been doing this convincingly for a long time, but at what point is this like... Well, when I had to get... This is not a hot teenage guy.

It's strange, right? Because, yeah, the conception was that he's selling tummy tea,'s had it up he's hanging out with other young teens and it was and of course worried about the russians making everyone relocate oh god no we don't lose that i mean but it's i i mean for me it really hits harder to like have a sense of this person's life and their milieu before we get that existential dread that comes in. The big vape battery. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was getting back into that zone.

And of course, the thing that ended my run was getting the big show. But a lot of people don't know this. I had to get both knees replaced um so when i was sort of triggered when your arm popped out of because i'm going through the exact same thing with my knees sorry it's okay yeah and jesus christ it's the final i had asked him not to do so i had asked him not to do so you guys mean, there's this famous sequence in the LA staging of Fiddler during If I Were a Rich Man where I do the 900. Yeah.

Yeah. Which, you know, Tony Hawk was the first person to do it. A lot of people have done it since. Yeah. I had to do that

every night as Tevye in the LA staging of Fiddler. Wow, yeah. And even when we took it up to SF, even when we took it up to sf even when we took it up

to seattle even when we went up to vancouver you know yeah how many times or what percentage of the time would you say like you pulled it off um like full and like i know you have different versus like you would get up and say i like i did it that counts yes for a bunch where i i i attended a handful of performances where if i if you had not said that i would have thought that you didn't do it like for what i was seeing goal is i would have and i think i at one point turned to hayes and said he did not do it all right at least that i would say that shouldn't count that should not count yes there are off nights and of course after the full you know double knee replacement it ended up being 540 some nights what i saw was you didn't even leave the ground so i i don't know

how much of the number you were spinning it was slow it was like but i don't think it was even a 900 i don't think you got all the way there no it did not leave okay look okay i don't think it was even a 900. I don't think you got all the way there and did not leave the ground. Okay, look. I don't think either foot came off the ground. Yeah. I spotted it somewhere around 220. And it's just like a three-quarter turn, but slow and not in the air. And the band clearly has a new way of handling this like they've

talked about like repeating that one section long enough for you to like well it's a three-piece band it's it's it's a tight group of guys right and it's in you know to match with the youth it's in like a pop punk like a post-hardcore style Yes. And so they're watching me and I'm watching them the entire time that during this, the skateboarding dream sequence. And it was just, it was post pandemic. I mean,

we had to stop for like six, seven days, like in 2020. Sure. And to not be doing it every night. Going dark. And I said, where do I live? live like what is this city

like we're just like totally ruled by fear consumed by fear and it's taken everything even our art yes and there was a sharp uptick in violent crime after that i i would say that not mounting our pop punk fiddler directly contributed to the violent crime, to the sharpness of the violence. I know some of the stuff I did because I couldn't be inside the theater. Something about seeing, it's not like I was necessarily going, gonna go out and do violence, but I was, my appetite for blood was satisfied for sure. Like if I had been, I would no no longer be and i was even less interested after seeing my like some of the stuff that you did up there well thank you yeah so i you're saying that my performance prevented crime in la for a number of weeks except for yeah except for that except

for seven days when i when it had become sort of almost a necessary medicinal. And I got to say right now, just for everybody listening, that it's not just about my performance. I'm up there with Catherine McPhee. I'm up there with Katie Hudson. I mean, this was like. I call her Katie McPhee and Catherine Hudson. Just know people from different worlds.

Yeah. When you're, you know, there's stage persona versus. Everybody goes off to their little spots, you know. Yeah. Everybody goes back to the Palisades and, you know, Laurel and, you know. Three cabs after the show for the three of you. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Three cabs. Well, I have three cabs in the lobby and then I get in the. Three cabs just for you. Then I get in an Uber cab salve, but. Three cabernets. But it's been a long journey and i can't tell you

it's like i'm living my dream i get to be on the show sure i'm on the biggest broadcast sketch comedy show yeah amazing yeah the basis for curtis sittenfeld's night owls yeah i mean i i found some comparisons for certain i don't i don I don't, I wouldn't compare the two. You think they're, yeah. Yeah, I guess they're different. Yeah, I don't think you should. I guess they're different. They are different.

They're really different to me. Yeah. Yeah. And that's okay, because you, because you don't know what it's like. I have no fucking idea, man. I mean, I'm over here. And you can't know unless you are a part of it.

And that's what makes being a part of this sort of brotherhood or family uh-huh uh of the family yeah don't look at me uh just let me know when i need to help you out family plan this week on the patreon the boys workshop some exciting new merch on the pro version. Sean talks to Goldie Sharp and Alex Solkin about the movie My Favorite Year on Subtitles On. And the flagrant ones are mostly talking all things basketball. Plus, see a Hollywood Handbook live and live streaming show at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles August 29th with special guest Claudia O'Doherty. The ticket link is in the episode description.

Check out all these shows and the video for today's episode with James at patreon.com slash theflagrantones. Hollywood Handbook. Be a better you in 2024 with Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars for private tutors or waste hours on apps that don't really help you speak the language. And the question that I always get, people stop me and they say, like, hey, I trust you. I know, like, when you endorse a product, it's something that you really use and care about. But there's one language that I'm trying to learn, and that's body language so can babble teach me body language yes babble now has

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slash the boys that's rocketmoney.com slash the boys rocketmoney.com slash the boys so did we set that we did establish that you usher me over to the table i need the shoulder to be off the edge of the table. You know what I mean? The shoulder's hanging off the edge. All right. Then take your shoe off and put your foot. I'm not going to do that.

You have to, James. You have to do it. Put your foot on the shoulder. Don't push it down, but just kind of rest it on the shoulder. Don't push it down, but just kind of like rest it on the shoulder until I, and even if I like. He needs pressure, but not weight. Yeah.

If that makes sense. Exactly, yes. You need to hold it there. And if you put weight on it, that's going to be really bad. That's bad. You can't actually put weight on it. But if there's no pressure on it, that's even worse.

You have to be able to hold it there. Here's, this might sound crazy, and I hope I don't sound finicky i hope this does sound crazy because honestly this show needs a shot in the arm something that sounds crazy could be exactly what this episode needs to take us to that next level i said james is coming today i hope he says something that sounds crazy man so fucking go off yeah and this might sound crazy, but you could also answer the question that I asked you almost 20 minutes ago.

Can I help with the arm? No, do you get horny? Do I get horny? When you're doing the show, am I crazy? Did he answer the question? Let's bury that real quick. He was talking about how it was his dream to work on the show like okay what is that?

Am I supposed to take from that? I think about living my dream there's some amount of horniness involved in that Maybe Here's all I'm going to say about it. I'm a happily married man and my wife and I Well we interact

we interact before I even set foot in the building. Oh, wow. Okay. And I get that out of the way. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

And happily married man. Yep. And work at work. You say before you even set foot in the building as if for others... Can't step into 30 Rockefeller. Like, there is... Like, they have...

Some stuff's happening inside the building. Yeah. For him, it's right outside the building. And again, not get graphic, but we're we become trained. And then we obviously approach the stage. Yeah. And we do like. What's some of the stuff that we might do?

On stage? Yeah. You know. yeah and we do like yeah what's some of the stuff that we might do on stage yeah you know Southwest style like like steel magnolias but instead of instead of Deep South it's southwestern style. Like a Nevada. Yeah, like a green salsa. Yeah, like a New Mexico. A little diced tomato and some red onion and lime juice. Yeah. I think that would be fried pico de gallo. That's an example of me pitching on

Monday. Their hair is not up, it's like down and waist length and gray and black. Yeah. It's different jewelry. That's like an example of what I might pitch on the Monday meeting of the show. Is, you know, let's do Steel Magnolias. Let's do it Southwestern style.

Sort of. Christmas, you know, Christmas sauces. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah shredded shredded jack and jack and cheddar it's not it's a little less depressing isn't it you know yeah i think it's well that's our job right is levity our job is to take these things are so heavy you take this stuff yeah melodrama and you go like how about some how about a little bit can we can we lift people out of the depths for just a second oh my god yeah shine some sunlight um on um these people's lives yeah let's fucking losers like everybody's like you know they like what are they gonna do if we don't do something for them yeah i don't i don't get horny i don't get horny because i i take care of that thank you

i take care of that thank you that's really nice and i feel like an easy one and i feel like i enjoyed it more having to wait so long to like to find out that's some of the secret you know of really delivering a great performance right and that's part of why you save those big impressions the usher the tevye for like the very end for the very recording yeah and uh that's that's fucking cool um so and then in regard to your arm yeah this has nothing to do with me trying to get out of the arm this is fully what i need as a performer for the sake of the show.

Is this thing going to sound crazy? Yeah, it's... The couch... Yeah. That chair, I think, would be a better vantage point for me. To get over here. To do the voices for the show.

And maybe that would elect you to be the one to do the arm. And this is not because I don't want to do the arm. This is fully because I need what I need as a performer to do Usher, to do Pop Punk Tevye. Kevin should probably come in and ask if we need to be switched. Like he was supposed to check with you if that seat was open.

Well, I mean, this has happened to me. I mean, it might, but it might actually be awesome that it's so crazy. I think it would be fucking cool. Yeah. Kevin, do you want to come in and ask us if we can switch seats wait but i just want before we do that yeah i just want to say down kevin i have seen sean does a lot of uh this like performative like party trick thing

where he is like the captain from captain morgan you know like from the commercials and he'll do a thing where he'll put his leg up like that. It's very similar to the position that I need you to be able to sustain to put my arm back into place. But when Sean does that, he's unable to, even if he has something to put his foot on, he is going to be pitching forward. My balance is all over the place. I mean, I'm waving my arms around. I would is all over the place. I mean, I'm like waving my arms around.

I would be probably putting weight down. Yeah, he has to be like swinging both arms really hard. I'm ass over tea kettle almost instantly. Just to be the captain for a second. I know, I get that, and I am going to insist. I am going to insist that maybe we switch seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might have to have a an imbalanced um an imbalanced what do you call it when you what is the process called when you put that thing back in its little hole well it's subluxing when it when it comes out

subluxation yeah so yeah i think you're just gonna have to have an off-kilter subluxing if i'm gonna deliver okay the voice shit for you need what you need is so you need dom lusting am i wrong dom lusting yeah yeah you need it you need a dom lux tricks to come in here yeah and fucking smack that thing back yeah position so it's that or the voices because like we do need we we definitely need the voices it's not we can't not do and i think we're gonna have to do without hearing any voices yeah i think we'll have to do the voice shit that's not yeah that's not a question that's not a difficult thing for me and that was that was and it was agreed to in advance and i understand that we did not say anything about you having to do any kind of

medical intervention in advance so i understand that's that that wasn't part of the deal it was not a part of is it something that i think is worthy of just undoing all the other agreements that were made about doing some of the funny voices i don't want to know how i would play i don't want to throw out the deal i don't want i don't i don't even know why it's coming up just like just just because of nobody's throwing out any deals. I don't even know why it's coming up. Just because of... Nobody's throwing out any deals. Can I talk about this? Yes.

Just so that your listeners know. Please. So we just got done, and I'm happy to be here, and I'm having a good time. I like you guys, and I've known you guys for a while. And actually, I think the episode could get even better. You're going to do voices, and there's a pretty crazy idea of us switching seats.

Which I'm still down to do that, too. Yeah. Not just down to do it. I spearheaded the idea. You're insisting on it. I'm insisting upon it. Yeah. But we did go back and forth for about six, seven weeks

in contracts before I appeared on the show. Totally normal, little stuff. I bat an idea out to you guys. Here's what I'm going to need to do the show. And then you bat back a counteroffer. And I bat an offer back based on that counteroffer. We finally agreed on some terms

under which I would appear on the show. And some strategic radio silence in between on your behalf where it just disappeared. It seemed like you had walked away from comedy entirely as far as we knew yeah i there was there was a time period where it was just a a period of of well not a religious person anymore but what we would call it as ex-evangelical silence with my family um

a period of religious non-spiritual uh retreat um with my family yeah Yeah. No emails? No emails, just Judeo-Christian atheist airplane mode, I guess. It's a funny way to think about it. But yeah. You were like, hey, can I just send a email?

No, there'd be no emails. Well, put your phone in airplane mode and ask it if you could send uh email because yeah good luck getting siri to uh yeah she's like say yeah say something to you in the first class gonna go excuse me yeah sir did you i don't do the voice you know yeah you do the voice i mean it's a female voice i guess there's different you can set it so so anyway we finally agreed on some terms that i could come on the show and fiddling with your fucked up arm is not a part of that and i'm sorry to put it that way well it's not it was fucked up a second it's not fucked up anymore it's like

it's better now but if you if you were gonna if you were gonna you know if i needed you to be the cartilage for my broken knees yeah if i if you needed me to fall face forward knees first you would have to be my cartilage i don't have any fucking cartilage there anymore because they're doing the 900 every fucking night the middle of if i were a rich man for like 25 years so that's so that's what so why should i jiggle your arm that you were doing as if i were a rich man okay because i remember me and lots of other people there being like what song is this song from the show yeah we were gone is this some new song so that was just supposed to be if i were a rich man like this but it was like a there's a there is a pop punk skate dream sequence in the new if i were a rich man okay in the um yeah it might have just been that you were so you were trying to sing the normal song i wonder if you were just so out of

breath i mean it just sounded like maybe you shouldn't i don't know i don't know if you're going back to it but maybe you shouldn't have done the trick like at the very beginning of the song and what would that achieve theatrically well you wouldn't be so out of breath for the rest of the song you couldn't get your wind after you try you know you did the 900 and i'm using scare quotes and uh it was a 900 and i remember the night that you came because you were on my list i was there i i i was there more than once thank you for putting me on the list i loved getting the star treatment and i loved not getting a thank you card from you well having to go trash just saying someone trash here throw this away to say that your mail system is overtaxed as it is so it's like this whole concept of thank you cards like that dies with me we're done okay but you're alive

yeah no i guess we will be done i so i you know his his arm hurts your knee hurts i will be dead in let me check because i'm getting these updates all the time it's july you know it's july 26th so it's like i mean it's soon it's soon and i just want to say having people it's nice to put people on the list but having them pay a certain number of times like go to the show and pay yeah six seven times and then and then they get on the list and then they'll get on the list i mean like sort of a punch card approach you you know better than anybody that sorry which one's sean and which one's hayes uh you, it's really not crucial for whatever you're saying. Well, like for your purposes.

Whatever you're about to say. Yeah. Well, Sean, you know, you know better than anybody. Yeah. That, that the list is not just about going to. It'd be good if people thought Sean got hurt. The show. List is not just about going to the show.

It's the party after. It's the diner after the party. Can we talk about. A couple of glasses of wine at my place yeah a couple calvaces yeah a couple cabs yeah uh just because you mentioned the after parties we're just hearing because we've had a bunch of people i don't want to say any of the people's names from the big show. No, we don't want to connect them with the show. But we'll always be like, how are the after parties? We're just hearing that your shit is not

hitting. Yes, yes. That's exactly how it's been. At my table after the show? At the after parties, yes. That my table is exactly how it's been at my table after at the after parties yes that that my table is busted and it's boring and it's yeah central and that effectively you have become radioactive at the after parties and that often what you think is the after party uh people who draw the short straw have to go and give the appearance of just like a light attendance at the after party so the real after party can take place separately you know i'd heard about that i'd heard assistants mention that every once in a while well that is actually a decoy as well

and what they're telling you that they're telling you about is actually not the real one either so even if i were to take this information that you're giving me this humiliating information that that i have been going to some truman show-esque fake party except no one is like watching like yeah the truman show was a hit the truman show was a fucking hit the biggest show in the world massive dude guy's a star yeah this this is completely unobserved except by the assistants who are like you know miserable protecting me and miserable and so they it was anticipated that you would figure out that that original party was like obviously not real you're saying i'm a rat in a maze i get to the end and i've and there's no cheese and then they make a promise well you get to the end and it's at long last

the cheese but then what you're eating is like some sort of cashew cheese yes i mean i was going to say yes cashew inferior sort of vegan thing yes some vegan cheese right except even that is like something they sell at the grocery store it's like popular enough that anyone wants it well you know it's probably papier-mâché at this point i would never work with papier-mâché. At this point, I would never work with papier-mâché or plaster of Paris, and you know that. I'm just saying what likely the cheese would be made of in this metaphor of the mouse.

It would likely be papier-mâché cheese. So even if, I mean, here's the thing. I feel like the talks in the contractual talks to even come on this podcast appearance, that things had deteriorated so much between your party and mine it was damaging i'd say to everyone's relationship with their representatives with the yeah respective companies and there's an erosion of trust there and so now i can't even take this this thing that you're saying about the party i don't even know if

you're telling me the truth. I don't know if this is coming as my friends. It would be nice for you if we weren't. That would be very comforting, I'm sure. You'd just rather not know? I'd rather be lied to by us than the entire infrastructure of the place you call home, right? Do you ever see the farewell?

Tell me again parts of it it tell me some parts what's the big what's the main part just to figure out the big part is that they don't want to tell the old lady the secret and her life is better because she doesn't know about the secret but that's not a part that's like that's what that's like what it's about like what are some of the different parts okay the different parts are um the, she's in a wide shot and she's the younger one. Oh, okay. And I think there's a big,

there's a wedding. Oh, yes. Shades of Benjamin Button. And it's Awkwafina is Nora from Queens. Awkwafina is Nora from Queens is farewell. And she's, you know know she wants to say bye but nobody can tell the secret no one can say the secret yes and uh and that's that's sort of yes i think again but that was a movie that people enjoyed and like people you're saying people don't like my shit it was an award-winning i'm just saying

the party persona could use a revamp and i wonder if the show dude is like getting you know a lot of us i think horny which is what leads no it's getting a lot of this question comes up so much it's like people watching being like okay oh it must be fun am i the only one who's boring in here you know like is this a one-way street yeah it sounds like yes it is which great like that's magical too to be able to create that and others when you yourself are are one of the least people yeah yeah in the world at that point yeah not not not very horny um considering what i do as a pre-show ritual at home yeah um but um or directly outside of 30 right as a case maybe yeah um yeah i mean people aren't partying at my table under the big christmas tree is it holding some of it back during the show is it not like is it just like save is it maybe do a little worse

at the top of the of the beginning of the song you're out of breath maybe it's yeah yeah yeah maybe it's saving a little bit maybe do a little worse on the show being more busted well i mean so i'm not supposed to talk about the show but but I'll say this. So, you know, you have like Belushi and all them. Which Belushi? Jim. They all learned really quick. Jim, yeah. That they learned really quick in that era that, okay, I'm going to gas it just a little bit at the table.

I'm going to yank it back while we're doing the tech rehearsal. We're just blocking. Yeah. Saturday, tech rehearsal. I'm going blocking. Yeah. Saturday tech rehearsal. I'm going to give it a little bit more, bring it up to like 31 dress rehearsal. I'm going to wind it almost back to zero to the point where let's, let's tank this thing. Yeah.

And, and does the material work and the material does the material shine through? It's about the, it's a writer driven show. It's a writer driven show. So does the material without without me doing my stuff yeah and they would honestly without the cast they would figure it out they would figure it out they would someone's they would be okay and they've honestly it might even be better i could do the whole thing better than i think than all of them you know people, people are always talking about, you know, what does a cast list show look like? And I would love to be looks like this. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah, all the time. Yeah, we're looking to chat GPT stuff like that. that's, that's the show.

I know we don't talk about the show, but like, I can't talk about the show. That's, but that's funniness level. One hundred thousand. The show, the show.

No, I mean, that's not a joke. The show to me, there's never a show as good as the one in your head. Yeah. And, and so that's why when we're done giving zero at a dress. This one could even be as good as that, though. The one I'm doing, man, it's like, forget in your head the stuff that's coming out of my head.

Level 100,000. I mean, it's really good stuff, James. And no one will even hold still long enough for me to do it. You wouldn't even know. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. Songs too.

Really good music. Music videos and like raps and stuff. Yeah, music videos, raps. Yeah. Yeah. Long raps. With like. Fast.

Not too fast. Long raps about like, but yes political figures all of that he could all your favorite stuff you know okay here's just like fast i feel like you're shitting me and i want to hear you give me a lineup of of of an episode of the show in your head starting with okay what's the cold cold open is i can't get into a hot club i'm with all my sexy wait we're doing a regular sketch is the cold open not like a political flavored well hang on i can't get into the club there's a turn okay because i'm because i'm not on the list but Guess who is on there. Guess.

Bernie Sanders or... Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Wow, you guessed it. Bernie Sanders is on the list. Okay. So I turn around, come back in. I think you're going to see my name on the list this time.

What do you mean this time mr sanders are you someone who's been turned away before you know what i mean but i got the fucking mittens i got the big puffy coat yeah you have a little folding chair yeah i know this could be a really great call yeah then you you look into the camera you say the line well he's got to do it more time it's not just the one guy like that doesn't work like that sounds and sees who else yeah i can't say this time next time but i get a look at the list yeah okay so they turn me a one guess who's on it yeah that's you once you know no it's your turn hunter biden's laptop hunter biden's laptop is in there so then i you know i i kind of fold myself in half and i'm like you know and then i like get rolled up on like a hospital gurney basically i unfold myself straight up and i'm wearing a t-shirt with like you know dude hitting the

pipe or whatever and i'm just like just going like uh um uh you know email found or you know like any computer noise you know you got mail and then there the Globo owner is like, okay, hang on. He's like, let me see if this guy's on the list. He is. But just as I'm getting through the door. Okay. I'm having trouble with this. It's like the big climax of the sketch. He said, but just as I'm getting through, this is when you want to stop.

Just as I'm getting through the door, Hunter Biden's real laptop comes up right next to me. See? That's the sneaker upper, is it? It's a real laptop. Yeah. Yeah, the laptop is coming to the party. Yeah. To the club.

And you're like, well, why is Hunter Biden's laptop on a club list? But why was Bernie Sanders on there? Yeah. I just don't understand. It is a sexy club. I am horny when I do the show. Here's what I don't understand if you're a sexy club so like i'm i am horny when i do the show here's here's what i don't understand and and i didn't know that last couple times you're at the show i didn't even know that you were horny so that's like news to me when i do when i'm

performing yeah but like so you come up you do an amazing impression and you're still denied entry so you have to look at the list and come back around? Like they didn't just let you in on Bernie? I see, yeah. I see the list again. That's what my fucking problem is. Right. Because the impression was so good, why didn't they let him in?

Well, maybe Bernie Sanders was in there already, too. Bernie messed up, though. I mean, Bernie said, what if I panic? I go, you know, and I don't know if i can do it again as good as i did but i think you'll see him on the list this time no it's even better and he goes and and he goes like what do you mean this time are you somebody who's already been turned away and i go what do you mean like sean and then i go oh actually uh i gotta go to the bathroom then i run because i just like panic i

freak out you know what i mean i feel found out even if the impression i could have carried it off it's just like it's that most central human emotion fear which is what drives so much of what we do and so to transmit that like in a comedy piece like this and to really say like i'm scared bernie sanders is scared you know and yet we move on and yet we look at the list again and yet we pretend to be hunter biden's laptop you know like that's a message of hope yeah nevertheless he persisted we laugh sure we have fun okay but we also say you're, you're okay. You're normal. It's all right to be scared. I'm scared too. And I turn and I say, you know, I won't say the line exactly, but, you know, live from, you know, fill in the city. Like I'm really scared. I'm,

I'm very scared right now. Like I'm so scared. And then, you know, I'm so scared. And then, you know, you couldn't even be scared from New York. You know, how's your arm, by the way? It's getting ready to do it again. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. People ask me all the time if I'm scared when I'm doing the show. Oh, really?

And you bring up a great point. Yeah. And I say, no, I'm not scared doing the show. I'm doing the show. Oh, really? And you bring up a great point. Yeah. And I say, no, I'm not scared doing the show. I love doing the show. I guess it's after they find out that you're not horny, they're sort of like, well, then what are you? Why are you too scared to be horny? Yeah. That's the secret,

is that even while I'm saying I'm not nervous, I love doing the show, I'm achieving I'm not nervous I love doing the show achieving my dream why is that water so cloudy I spit in it okay I spit in it I was the tree huh every when you take a sip you give it they had this notebook paper out on the table and I'm like chewing up a bunch of the note okay pages and then i'll spit into the when it's like really you know small i'll spit it in it's like you leave la for a couple years and you miss out on all the new health the new yeah and everything it's bad it's not leave no trace yeah um yeah but um uh i yeah i people ask me if i'm scared of course i'm terrified and i have to lie yeah

yeah um because it's contractual and um okay so okay so we have the credits monologue monologue standard monologue what's the first sketch up well he might i mean why does it have to be a standard monologue could be one of the really funny ones people people wing it people wing it the monologue will be a little different when i do it you mean like it's going to be like a edgy bit of stand-up maybe like show a home movie of yours or something like that i might do an old like like an old standard like i might do like a big musical number i might do make them laugh and i'm doing backflips off the wall there also might i just want to leave open the possibility that they might have to pivot it's a live show and they might need the monologue to

explain the cold open yeah yeah yeah you might have to go back and just be like hey we're getting a lot of questions about about the cold about the cold open what happened why was it like that yeah here's here's here's some here's some insight for everybody so last time schumer hosted she actually was on youtube comment duty you know because they're releasing the sketches and she's she had to spend the first 15 minutes of her monologue just sort of answering youtube comment questions about what had happened in the cold open i'm not even lying about yeah because some of them are pretty urgent they're pretty urgent i mean they edit it down because again speaking of people being scared and that yeah so universal yeah people get so scared

and some of the people need money some people need money some people are billionaires that are commenting saying comment back to me for the first five people at the very least we can connect those can connect those people to the people who need money the billionaires are giving money away on a youtube comment that's the first duty i think of what we do on the show. And then after that, there are certain other questions that need to be addressed legally immediately. Where's the hospital? Yeah. How do I get a PPP loan?

Right. So Schumer, and Schumer was such a champ about answering those YouTube comments for the first 15 minutes of her monologue last night. That's really fucking cool. I think that's so fucking cool. That's so fucking cool that you did that. So maybe we get like last night. That's really fucking cool. I think that's so fucking cool. That's so fucking cool. So maybe we get like...

I think it's really fucking cool. Why don't we just... Schumer is the fucking boss of all bosses for doing that. She's a really... She's a good friend. Boss status. I'm happy that you're getting along. We've been getting along, yeah.

Yeah. She's a good friend. Yeah. Yeah. Because I know that you don't always stay inside that circle. I have a kid now, you know. Yeah.

Things are different. Yeah. And the way you treat the hosts on the first day, like that they need to go through some kind of arc, like with you, like when they show up on the first day, you're kind of like, oh, hey. Yeah. Because you think you can just come in here and do what we do uh no there needs

to be a that that's sort of something that's really important i think to the magic of the show is that there should be kind of a character arc throughout the week with the host yes uh for instance um when rami malik hosted yeah opening like my first impression of rami malik he's throwing all of my clothes out of the top of an apartment building window. And he's saying, you, you asshole. I gave you everything. Get your own apartment. And then I'm back at square one.

And that's how I started that week. Right. But I think. And I had to find a way to be in a French, in a relationship with him again by the end. He's Mr. Robot. He's more than Mr. Robot, man. Yeah. I mean, people really,

I feel like, I feel like he gets boxed into that hole a lot. But you gotta see him, you gotta see him in his different, like, little modes that he gets in. He's going, he's going nuts. But the way, like, you set it up on like, day one or whatever,

Tuesday, and then i think you're building towards first day is thursday okay thursday thursday friday saturday god forbid you actually do a week of work once in your life you are sort of building towards the after party yeah where i think you're the intention is you for you to be like, hey, man, I just want to apologize for how I was acting. Yeah. You got it, man. You showed me. It was to get this out of you.

Yes. All the shit I did, it was to get you ready because you don't know until you're in it. Right. But I gave you all the tools and that's why this episode was so good special yes but they're not there nobody wants to hang out with you no one like everyone at this point has been told about a different party sucks your party yeah and my party is um obviously it's fake and it sucks so hard yeah i was wondering why i sort of you know i'm served a fizzy drink and fall asleep and wake up at my apartment at the end of the night they just didn't want to bother like staging it anymore like so now it is just poisoning you and it's it's it's

not even like a harm that answers a lot of questions for me yeah yeah and i would and you know i'd say that's justified. They want to kill you. We do need to get into the voices a little bit just because we are sort of coming up on the end of time and so I do want to hear from Usher.

I would like Usher to be doing something maybe you wouldn't expect Usher to do. That's sort of the what i always love about some familiar elements of course but also something in there something to seize on to and recognize but then also like wait he's what like he's where like i didn't i don't know if he's okay well the zoo or i guess i'd love to see Usher at the zoo, yeah. Yeah. And not like... He has a song about how he likes to have sex in the bathroom.

So that's not an example of something... So I'm not going to do that. He has an entire song about how having sex in the bathroom is something that he likes to... In real life, Usher has a song about this. Yeah, I mean, it's like a public bathroom. Yeah, like it's in a club but but it's like club bathroom yeah it's the bathroom that's the bathroom part of the club and he's

like talking about like i love the dyson airblade i love how you i love how i backed you up onto the dyson airblade i don't think they had that at the time that the song came out oh this is like oh three i don't think they had invented the Dyson Airblades. Oh, so it was like... The Airblades knew... The Con Air. He's talking about the Con Air. The Con Air.

The sort of more inefficient model that has a little picture of a tree on it, but it takes like 30 minutes to dry your hands. Yeah, he's talking about that. But that's not an example of something that would surprise me if you'd be like, No, because he did that. It would be something that he hasn't said. I think can only do see here's the thing is like you find a

hook you get into the voice i could really only just get into the voice i think i well i'm explaining to my fucking process i i i know what you're doing and i'm saying that it's a problem sorry not to be pretentious, was Rodin explaining his process? Or was he just going, here's the sculpture? I don't, I mean. Like, check it out. From one Rodin to another, he would never do that. He would never introduce it.

He would just let it be what it is. Well, then. This feeling, yeah. Maybe you should do. So to not introduce it. Time This feeling, yeah. Maybe you should do... So to not introduce it. Time to change seats now. Okay. Okay.

You want to switch the drinks before... Just them two switching and I stay here? You have to stay. Okay, good. I shouldn't be getting up anyway. Should we switch the drinks and then switch seats? You want to switch the drinks first? Yeah, I think we should.

And my drink is saying... Mine is empty anyway. Yours has to stay. Okay. Okay, now. Okay. Yeah. He's bringing his bag?

He has to bring his bag with him. Did I have headphones on? Not during the recording. Okay, all right did he did for a second before though before yeah um okay so here's usher fuck using a um dyson airblade at the zoo all right here we go Dyson Airblade. At the zoo. All right, here we go. Oh, yeah.

Bye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.