Hollywood Handbook - Jo Firestone, Our New York Comedy Friend

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

The Boys talk to JO FIRESTONE about how New York comedy can save us. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/HollywoodHandbook Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You guys know how much we love water on this show. We talk about it literally every single episode and about the water that we have been trying to make ourselves. We basically have- Not trying to make. We've been making it. We've been making it.

We've been trying to perfect it. And it's not presently drinkable. Yes. So we have here, I'm really excited about basically like in a quite higher situation where like we have, we have a partnership now with Fiji Water. This is the number one. It's gonna get us so much closer.

Premium imported bottled water brand in the US. And they had basically come to this is like kind of the water that we were trying to first imitate and then top in success. So funny. We were coming for them and they must have felt us breathing down their neck and just said like, you know what, let's work together. We're more powerful as a team than as combatants. And I agree actually, because their water is drinkable.

It has a 7.7 pH, perfectly balanced. And you know, I'm not- Ours has a 700.700 pH. Yeah, so we were a bit higher. And then, you know, unlike the other two premium bottled water brands, whose names I will not mention, the two top ones, but you think, you probably know who I mean.

And one of them's us. And one of them is us and we, their electrolytes are 100% naturally occurring. Ours were 100% unnaturally supernatural. Ours were summoned inside of a pentagram, basically. These ones are from the earth. They have more than double the electrolytes of the other two top premium water bottle brands,

giving it the signature soft, smooth taste. It's like velvet. And we're can, we are being allowed to continue developing. PG one. There's not a non-compete or anything. It's not PG 13 and we've explained this obviously. Yeah. But like, it's not, it doesn't have that kind of edge, but it's not G either.

That's, yeah. It's a little bit, it's kids can have it, but you should be around them when they do. Yes. Fiji water is bottled at the source and untouched by man until you unscrew the cap. Their bottles are made from a hundred percent recycled plastic and they continue to lead the top preview bottle water competition on launching a hundred percent recycled plastic bottles earth's finest water and Fiji water and I have a tagline for them that you probably haven't heard and that they haven't heard and it is, feed me Fiji. Thanks, Fiji.

So look, here we go. This, all this business with the Supreme Court. Go off. I don't know. Didn't we say we weren't going to do this? But we have to, Joe. I don't know how we got into this. I don't know who it is. I don't know whose fault it is.

I don't know what happened. I don't know where it happened. And can I go a step further? I don't know what the Supreme Court is. I don't know what they did or if they're gonna do it again or if it would be good or bad if they did. Oh, they better not if it's bad.

And if they do it again and it's good, they better had. I don't know if it's something that's been going on for a long time or if it's something that's kind of brand new that they just did. I don't know. Can I did? I don't know. Can I say what I don't know? I don't know why they're trying to do this to me if it's affecting me.

And I don't know if it is to me and I don't know if I'm supposed to be involved or if I'm supposed to not be involved. I missed the memo, you know, cause I didn't know when they were going to do it. And as far as I'm concerned, if it's happened already, I didn't know it happened. But I know.

But I know this. What's gonna get us out of it. But I know this. New York comedy. Uh oh. New York comedy. New York comedy is coming to save the day. It's basically, okay so- We need New York comedy now more than ever.

New York comedy is, and for people who aren't familiar with it, picture a sacred cow. Now picture a rifle scope through which you're seeing it and it gets fucking vaporized. Just a fine red mist that used to be sacred cow. And what is causing that effect is New York comedy. It's a bazooka.

They call them squeal team six because they are making their audiences squeal with the light and there are six of them left still plugging away over there. There's six New York comedians left and each one of them has a particular set of skills that they've developed over a long career, and it makes them a nightmare

for people like you, Supreme Court. And one of them is Jo Firestone. She can fit in a tiny little box. That's her skill. Yep. So they roll her in a like normal room service cart down and she rolls out into the you know judges chambers Nut chucks, right and

Joe You don't live in New York anymore, but you're carrying a big chunk of it around with you, aren't you? I could smell the damn sidewalk, the New York sidewalk, the Big Apple streets, brought him in, came wafting into my nostrils, I said, me thinks Joe Firestone hath entered ye old building of head gum. And you have various specials on Hulu FXX.

Uh huh. And the specials we're performing, right? The stage, yes. Microphone. Come on, Joe. Come on, Joe. You want me to just pop in? I don't know what you mean, just pop in.

We're introducing you so generously. We're doing so much work. Come on, go. I am tapped out. Like that's the show for me because I got no help. Look at the time. That's four minutes of introduction. Four minutes plus.

I thought you guys were kind of talking about the Supreme Court for a while and kind of getting through that. And then, you know, I kind of, it's kind of, when you started talking about the cow being vaporized, I kind of thought maybe you weren't, I wasn't sure.

Now I know, now I know and I'm happy to start talking. Well, great, you're gonna need to because we, yeah. What's the name of all these different specials? God, there's all these fucking specials. I don't have any, I don't have any. There's no specials on FX, actually. No, I don't. FX, Hulu, Fox.

That's a special, whatever that thing you did, that was a special. You must have done something. Hulu, plus, FX, sex. Oh, this doesn't count as a special. Oh, I don't know if it's a special I just never put anything on ffxx oh sorry it wasn't on FXX on hulu on FXX I got the name wrong of the damn streaming service there's only 8 billion of them well it's the same number as there are people in New York that's how crazy it's been at how many streamings there's there's one for every New York resident at this point

It was on peacock, right Island of Manhattan Yeah, yes. Yeah, of course So it's so you went peacock mode on them Right. Yeah, the plumage. Yes. Yeah, and you're peacock mode on them, right? Yeah. The plumage, yes? Yeah. And you're peacocking a little bit. You're showing off when you're in here. You're letting people know.

There's a bit of a display, right? There's a little bit of a like, check out what I got going on. You feel it? Yeah. Come on. Okay. You know?

Joe, what time are we waking up these days? Six. Six. Six know? Joe, what time are we waking up these days? Six. Six. Six. Six. Nice time. Squeal Team Six. Squeal Team Six a.m.

Or p.m. It doesn't matter to me, you know? You all wake up at six? Six a.m. Who, me? Me? 5.45 a.m. Pop time.

You know how a catcher gets up to throw the ball that the guy's stealing? Catcher pops up like that's me in bed. Right to second. Pop! Boom. Hi-yah. I'm getting my pop time down.

Yeah. No, I'm, I, I, I. The problem is when you pop up like that, if one foot is off the bed, even one. Just one foot. Fall down. You go flying sideways. Oh yeah, you go through the window basically.

Cause your launch is such an angle. Yeah. Yeah. That you go either, yeah, you're either, you're either face first into the toilet or you're shooting out your own window. So it's not ideal, but that happens rarely to him. Me, I wake up at seven because I am squeal team seven. Why is squeal team six afraid of squeal team seven?

Because squeal team seven, eight, squeal team nine. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, squeal team seven, squeal team eight, squeal team nine. Squeal Team 7, Squill Team 8, Squill Team 9. Squill Team 8, Squill Team 9. So I do get that extra hour. They say actually, and this is like one of these little factoids because you'll hear people brag, right? Like, I only need four hours of sleep.

I only need two hours of sleep. I don't need to sleep. And you know what I say? Yes hours of sleep. I only need two hours of sleep. I don't need to sleep and you know what I say Yes, you do and you're basically fucking yourself up and if you think you're effective on that amount of sleep then Thank you for diminishing your own skills and leaving more for me on the table

Because science is saying now and they've done a lot of research on this, that the ideal, like the perfect amount of sleep, especially for people our age, let's face it, is between 17 and 18 hours. You know, I got an eye infection in both eyes. Yeah, so you were trying to bring this up earlier and I yelled at you and I regret that. I don't even know why, you know, it was just like,

I got jealous. Have we sort of found the culprit? Yeah. Oh, we have, okay. I was, you know, I was at work and you know how I'm at work? I'm touching my eyes. Yes. It isn't that the way, and it's this, right?

It's like, and name somebody else you work with, one of the other writers that you work with. Ted. Okay, so Ted does a pitch and you go, no Ted, and it's the pinch, it's the pinch at the bridge of the nose that effectively is touching both eyes at the same time, it's like, no Ted,

we can't say that on the show. Well that's what she does, that's how she is with the writers, obviously it's different with talent that comes with it. Of course, with talent, I'm bound on my knees, I'm bound, I'm bound. Who came on the show recently? Well we've been on we've been on a hiatus, but

Okay, but then I've been feeling that I'm sorry, but I knew it I did get I did get eye infection in both eyes and that shut down the entire fucking operation Well, I got it from I got it from someone else and you know and then and then what happened is basically you know My eyes are sealing shut Right. I'm on your eyes and comedy. I mean you're nothing if not an observer. That's right I mean so much of your comedy is that you see they say send the medic the medic comes brings me two vials of eyedrops She looks at me. She goes one will make you

Extremely strong. One will shrink you down to the size of a bug. A modern Alice in Wonderware. And so then, she looks at me. I said, what is it? Is it pink eye? She said, no, it's a sign of aging. It comes for us all, doesn't it? A certain age, we are a certain age.

Well, and I just brought this up recently, this is why we need the sleep. Otherwise you get the mouth sealing up. You know when you see people who are a little older, their eyes are sealed shut, someone gave you the aging? Someone gave me the infection. Because I'm high-fiving people constantly at work. That was a mistake I made.

I thought that's good pitch. Whatever you try with Ted, you try to break him down, you try to bring him back up, nothing works. I high-fived you. I did give him a high-five. I high-fived you. Yes. I didn't get a formal high-five.

And I love that you make me work for it. What are some of the guests we've been falling into a high five, courtesy high five. We've been on hiatus. We've been on hiatus. Joe, come on, please help me. Please help me, Joe, please. You must have had guests before.

Before the hiatus, Joe. Please help me, please. I'm so sorry, like, I understand like I Understand now eleven and a half minutes Okay, I understand. It's my fault at this point, but I do need your help. I do need your help I didn't know this was starting when was the collaboration? It's happening right now when was when did it be? It's been going on for a week. That's okay. long. For the July. I really think it's okay. If the guest, if you wanted to talk about

some of the talent that's been on the show from 10 days ago or 11 days ago, I think we're all gonna be able to adjust to that. If you ask me, I'll answer that. If you ask me that, I'll answer that. It's almost like they're trying to leave to what they've already done on the show behind, you know? Yeah.

What are you, it's like, are you not proud of it? Or is it like, let's celebrate. I'm celebrating. And that is part of the show that they do live in the present moment and everything, you know, it's not called before midnight, it's called after midnight. And so it's everything that happened after right well that's not no I think you've misinterpreted the show it's not well I I I'm open to hearing

I or I doubt that very much you're just say right here your position on this I doubt that very much knowing all the this. I doubt that very much. Knowing all the parties involved, I doubt that very much. I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's not. What's- Madam, madam, you misinterpret yourself. The show airs at 12 37 a.m.

And you're going in thinking, oh, we're writing everything that happened in the last 37 minutes. You're thinking we're doing that. I have to ask you, what are you on? The podcast Hollywood Handbook. Would you like to join me? Oh, stop it.

Because I've been doing it by myself all day. You know I was setting you up to say edibles, marijuana, microdosing. Everyone I'veibles, marijuana, microdosing. Everyone I've spoken to is on microdose. I'm so sorry, Hayes, you have been. I've been doing it too. You've been probably doing it more than me. I've been doing it a lot.

Are you microdosing right now? I just get angry, Anna. It was hyperbole. Oh, God, microdosing. We're gonna talk about microdosing again. Let me have a little bit of high C. Let me have a little bit of bread. Micro, I agree, it's out of control.

I'm just so sick of it. Let me get a whole fucking dose. How am I supposed to get it? Instagram? Oh, get what? The little dose? The tiny dose. No, Instagram wants to sell it to me, right?

I can't even find it at this point. Instagram, yeah. They want me to take Psyllocybin. They send it to me, right? I can't even find it at this point, it's so tiny. They want me to take Pocillocybin. They send it to me in this box and they're like, it's in there. I'm like, I'm looking around. I really don't see it. They're like, okay, well we sent it, it's in there.

It's really tiny is maybe the issue. Modern day sea monkey. Yes, exactly. That was such a racket. They just send you the one tiny little sea monkey. The shrimps. Yeah, just like sitting there loose in the box. No, you order it and you open it up and there's one rotten prawn in there.

And they go, oh. And that's after you complain that it was too small. Then they send you basically a cocktail shrimp. Yeah, they go, oh sorry, this one will be bigger, yeah. You gotta fucking shrimp scampi up in this piece. It's really, and it is scampi of them, they are being scamps when they do that. I hesitate to engage with you at all now

because of the animosity that I've experienced. But I came here in the car, I said, should I put on music? What are we pushing around town these days? Yeah, what do we got for wheels? I'm driving a car that doesn't go above 60 miles an hour. I know what kind of tires we're using. We gotta keep in the family, don't we? Oh, please.

We gotta, you know, and it all comes back home, doesn't it? Right. And I hear you guys are having a very good year. Oh, come on. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. Sorry, I never heard of. Oop, there goes another rubber tree plant.

Oh. Joe, God do it. Yep, that's right. Sorry, aunt, this one's mine. Aunt, as in my father's sister? Yes, as in your damn aunt, yeah. As in the, yes. Mm-hmm. The dowager.

Mm-hmm. Dining out at Michelin star restaurants. I got, well I got, I got a car, okay? I got a car. I bet you do. What are we pushing around for? Nice wheels on it too.

What are we pushing around for? Oh, come on, okay? Come on now. No, come on now. Come on now. No, come on now. Easy, easy. Let's keep it PG, right?

I know you're about to cuss me out. No, every other word you guys say on this podcast is nepo, nepo, nepo. Yeah, that's right. Well, we had to earn this and people go, oh, you guys aren't very successful. Not many people listen to the show. We earned every damn listener.

Mommy and daddy did not come and give the listeners to us. Our great grandpa was not a podcast baron that went ahead and amassed a whole audience for us before we ever set foot here. We had to roll up our sleeves and kind of talk, or it just, it's a slightly comedic sort of conversational, you know, we're making the show. Mm-hmm.

And I can point to that and say we made that. Where are we leaving our phone as we're going to go to sleep? When we're going to, it's nighttime. Where are we supposed to leave this thing? What's the phone situation in terms of a special sleeve or? Young new buildings. Young buildings. Young buildings.

Kevin, you know to edit that out. Barely legal buildings. Young buildings. Young buildings. Kevin, you know to edit that out. Barely legal buildings. Kevin, you know to edit that out. We'll see. That's my rap name. Young buildings. You know, when I'm FaceTiming friends, right? Everyone, when I'm in bed and I'm FaceTiming friends, right?

I'm in bed and I'm FaceTiming friends. Everyone says, are you under? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you?

Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? Sorry, that's not what you sound like. Go on, Joe. That was just a different character. That wasn't you. That's not what you sound like.

He does a whole bunch of these. What is that character? That character is... It's Monkey Bone basically. I don't know if you're familiar with the character Monkey Bone. A modernized Monkey Bone. If Monkey Bone had continued to exist, you know, that there'd be obviously some changes.

So you're FaceTiming your friends. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So you're FaceTiming your friends. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm FaceTiming my friends. Mm-hmm.

From my bed. Mm-hmm. What's it sound like? What's it sound like? I don't know what it sounds like, I'm not there. Mm-hmm. How does MonkeyBone FaceTime? You never FaceTime me even once. What does MonkeyBone FaceTime? So I'm left to guess. What does MonkeyBone say on FaceTime? You never FaceTime me even once.

So I'm left to guess. What does Monkeybone say on FaceTime again? In that situation, he would probably say something like, That's probably what he would do if he were FaceTiming all his friends right before he goes to bed to say night night. That's probably what he would do That's pretty fair assessment of how monkey bone might act in that situation But you on the other hand, I'm sure would behave very differently and I'm anxious to know a little bit what the what the distinctions are Well, I only brought this up to say that when I am FaceTiming my friends from bed,

they ask me if I'm under a desk. Because of the way the cabinets are formed. It looks like I'm under a desk. That's why I brought this up. So in some of these young buildings, they formed. New buildings. They formed the cabinets. They formed, okay, so the cabinet.

Looks like I'm hiding at work. The cabinet former comes in. Bit of a May, December relationship with this building you have, eh? And he puts a, he forms the cabinet above the bed. Tell me two actors in May, December. So much to teach this young building. Tell me two actors in May-December. So much to teach this young builder. Tell me two actors in May-December.

I mean, shouldn't you say three? Because there's two very famous ones. Two's really easy. Go for it. Okay. Okay. One of them I hesitate to even name. I wish you Julianne Less.

And well I guess we're gonna go there. Natalie Porthole. Right? That's what you do. There's a little window into the human experience she provides us. She puts it on the glass for you. Natalie Porthole, my friend.

You know, I thought LA, I came here, you know, I said I'll spend a few months here. And I thought it was gonna be, you know, at home. When I was at home in New York, I was looking at Disney food on the website. And I was looking at it, I thought that's what's gonna be LA. You were looking at Disney food,

so you mean the food that they serve at Disneyland. You were gonna come here and you were gonna eat, you were looking at some of the food that you thought you were gonna eat, which is the food that they serve at Disneyland. Big turkey leg. Cream cheese Mickey pretzel. You tell us, you were looking at the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little Creole restaurant right outside Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, so then I, you know, I thought that was gonna be LA. Turns out. Blue Bayou or something like that. It's much more. One of these types of names. It's just that,

so I just find that everything involves computers. I never seen so many computers in my life. It's A.I. Yeah. Mini Cooper has a laptop in it.. Mini Cooper has a laptop in it. The Mini Cooper has a laptop in it. And is this what we're pushing around town these days? And these Mini Coopers, yes.

And even the cars are microdosing these days. Isn't that right? Even the car is a microdose. The Mini Cooper has a laptop in it, that's true. The cabinets are formed into a desk above your bed. It just, people are always saying, are you hiding? Yeah. And it's embarrassing.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, are you inside of a cabinet right now? And there's any of the bearing, forgive me, but you have the bearing, yes, of a cartoon mouse. No. Who might live inside of a drawer. And this is not to disparage you in any way and this is not a negative thing.

In fact, as I talk about it, this is interesting and maybe this is something you could do on your show. And I don't have everything about it, and help me out too. If Stuart Little tried to microdose, don't you think he'd accidentally be taking a full dose? He'd just be dosing. He'd just be dosing.

Yeah. So this is interesting, Stuart Little got into the microdoses, you know? Uh-huh. I mean, I don't know, is that for the show? You know, I don't know, it's. You don't know. Hand it to Ted, right?

He'll do something with it. Uh-oh. There they go again, and her eyes are cluttering with a thick film. But I interrupted you, what were you gonna say? You went to the magic castle? They make you dress up. Everywhere you're driving uphill.

I don't know how people are doing this. I would roll right back down. I'm trying to go up a hill. I'm trying to go up a hill, I'm trying to go up a hill in my car. I'm trying to stand up. They didn't tell you you were gonna have to go up the hill in the car. I'm trying to stand up in the car to see what's above.

That's true. Yeah, it's scary, could be anything over there. That's what I feel. And I don't understand it. There's, I just find that things are different here in a way that I'm not quite ready for at any moment. Now, the Magic Castle is visible from the street. I didn't think if it was, I mean, to some of us,

I should, I shouldn't, you know, just like take my own experience. Check your priv-libs. And put it on everyone. But, and the dressing up, yeah, they made you put on a little get up huh you know why it might be visible to you from the street you don't have two eye infections

what do you do here I'm defending you I'm defending you what do you do here an ideal episode. I, yeah, yeah. It'd be great to have some help on this particular one. I ask you though. I ask you though. We start at the very beginning. Ideally situation. Yeah.

Okay? You start recording, Kevin says pushing start, and you have a guest. I say it higher than that. When Kevin says pushing start, it sounds actually. Say it, say it how you normally say it. Pushing start. Yeah.

Wait, so what we might do is initiate a big meaty premise. A premise dripping with rendered fats. Roasting in its own juices, this premise. Only New York comedy can save us from this dastardly Supreme Court. And then you might say, I'd rather have a Crunchwrap Supreme. You know what I mean?

Like you'd come flying in with a classic irreverent New York tape. That's kind of what we've gotten used to with some of our other guests. Some of our guests are just like, who have we had on the show? We just had Jim O'Hare in here. Yeah, Jim O'Hare was doing it.

Who's good? Name one good guest. Are you so incredulous that Jimmo Hair did make up an hair and absolutely. I trust Jimmo Hair was great. Barreled a line drive into the second deck. Name one other guess that was good. Cause I've been on this show eight goddamn times.

I never find myself walking away with a smile on my face. I feel myself grow six inches shorter. I'm walking around waddling after this, like I got a big spanking, and I don't like that feeling. Kevin says, oh, please come back. The guys love you. Thank you for specifying, because some people do like getting a big spanking.

Kevin says, please. He said he had a great time. I said, I don't think I did, Kevin. Kevin says, you did. I got the emails to prove it. He's putting it in bold letters. I say, the guys don't want me back and He goes he goes no no trust me. I talk to the guys every day. They want you back

Meanwhile I'm running into Sean on the street What street did you we don't know so you're running into people with your? These eye infections are really dogging you. You're just running into people. There's a street named after the Will Smith superhero movie. So there's a street, yeah. So there's a street in LA. It is LA.

It's the town where movies are made. So the Will Smith superhero movie, Hancock, has its own street now. And we both shop there. That's not me for you. It's a monster low carb. Let's relax. Except me, I'm gonna go crazy. It's mostly liquor stores carb. We could, let's relax. Except me, I'm gonna go crazy.

It's mostly liquor stores, if you've ever seen Hancock. But, it's, but yes, we were there, I saw you. I thought that went well. How did you feel about us seeing each other? I said, oh, oh, he's putting on airs. Gracious me. In what way? Oh, good to see you.

Oh, come do the show. I said, who are you, Kevin? I've never seen this behavior out of you. Maybe you make him a little nervous. Yeah, think about that, that I'm more scared of you than you're scared of me. I said, what a nice dog, I put my hand in the dog's mouth.

I said, try to bite me, wouldn't. Well, so baby shark got a little nervous that you did something like that. It was a little unusual that you immediately reached into the dog's mouth. We're LA guys, you know. That's a New York saying, a baby shark. Time to drive, better sit the seat all the way back.

Yeah, we put a computer in the better sit the seat all the way back. Yeah Put a computer in my seat. We don't put our hand in it. It's over the wheel Your seat is on top of the wheel. I look like a number seven I'm really trying Visualize it. Yeah, I'm sure you're right. I'm just trying to put all the visual components together and line them up just right. Yeah. So, I think I have it. My head is the tip of the seven.

That's gotta be it. That's gotta be it. That's getting me farther away. I think I have it. My head is the tip of the seven. That's gotta be it. That's gotta be it. That's getting me farther away. But how do you reach the petals? My thoracic section is the corner of the.

Your thorax. Or is that you know about this stuff? Yeah. I do. Or is that, or is that you know about this stuff? Ah, yeah. I do. Is that different, the thoracic and the thorax? It's interesting. They're close and obviously the root word, right? The Latin root word that we're working from here, thoroburge, is similar,

but thoracic and thorax, the thoracic spine is located within the thorax, right, but it's not necessarily the entirety of the thorax, which also includes the muscles you would use to swing an ax if you were Thor. We think of Thor having a hammer, yes. Do you have a paper and pen? Yep.

Okay, here we go. You're gonna draw? You've got to draw this. You don't. Do you have a paper and pen? Yes, and then he just leaves. So. Fucking guy left.

So when you got here in your car and you pulled up to the lot, did you do a thoracic park? Kevin you didn't hear what just happened, but do you mind if you had to delete it? Joe oh, this is just like this picture. It's just like the picture. Yes It's just like the picture from the from the just like the picture, yes. It's just like the picture from the show. Just like the picture right there. Incredible. Yeah.

We used to sell those, or not sell them, we used to offer them. We used to offer them for sale. I don't think that selling is necessarily the word. If we're really trying to be accurate here. Was it just like a sticker on the front though? We made them available for sale. So do we get a hat for Joe? No. She's got it. Yeah.

All right. No, sorry. Kevin's got it for her. And we're only giving it. And I look, look, I love the summer variant. I love it. And I think it's a good fit for Joe. Okay. I see. Well, this is why I said How are you reaching the bear it is she drew I did have I actually did have it correct as the seven and that's what? You think you look like so her face is above the wheel. She's like reaching down You're you have to sort of ignore the arms for it to be a seven in a way as well Can you can you just put it on the camera it on glass like Natalie Porto, please? Are we getting this, Kevin?

Yep. Okay. And now this, you know, we're trying to drive people to the video field a little bit. What's this? You know? That's the hat. That's a hat pack hat. Hat pack. You gotta wear. What do these retail for?

Well, what do you, well, take a guess. Say $30, say $30. $30? Flas. Flas. That would be a fair price. That's a great guess, actually. Are you trying to make a fool of me? You just whispered to me, say $30, say $30.

And I did, I was playing along with that. That was, you know, these things don't pick up whispers. Make me look like a fucking idiot. Buddy. Oh, Stuart Little! I can't make you feel anything. We didn't not set you up for success on that one. It's true. I'm trying to move units.

The end of the day, you go off, you live your life, you have a TV show, you do all this stuff, and I am left with hot sales. And so, our relationship takes some bumps and bruises along the way in the name of moving hats, getting these things onto heads. That's a sacrifice I have to make.

You got merch? You got any merch, y'all? Simon merch. Prayer for Owen Merchie. Just tires out. That's what Simon Merch was based on. That's the John Irving book that Simon Merch was based on. Yeah, so the Peacock Special or is there merch?

Thor merch. Thor merch, yeah. Hollywood handbook. Hey guys, stop going to the beach every time you need some more cat litter. When my cat is healthy, he's happy. And that makes me happy. But since I'm not a mind reader, I don't always know when he is unwell.

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There was no merch component to the Peacock special? No. No? No. No? No. None of, like, the little cohort doesn't have a merch game going? You know. Take me to merch, I'll purchase some shirts

and I'll buy a big hat. You know what I mean? It's just like. We do have big ones now. Who is Garth Brooks' alter ego? Chris Gaines. Who do I like better? And who do you think is who among the two of you?

Which one of us is Garth Brooks and which one of us is Chris Gaines? I think that's obvious. I'm not even gonna say it, but I think it's pretty obvious. I don't have to get into it. Who's who? There are Kevins on the same page.

Who's who, Kevin? Kevin knows who's who. We're all. Who's who? There are Kevins on the same page. Who's who Kevin? Kevin knows who's who. We're all. Who's who? Kevin knows which one is which. And we're all fine with who we are. And everybody's okay with it and they're both talented in their own way.

Kevin, who's who? You wanna say it at the same time, Joe? Yeah. One, two, three, Sean's Garth. One, two, three, Hayes' Chris. Wayne. Wayne. Chris Wayne. Chris Wayne's. He's Garth, I'm Chris Wayne's. Mm-hmm. One two three hazes the crane wait Crazy Chris Wayne's I'm Chris Wayne's mm-hmm

Garth Algar Remember yeah, mm-hmm no no like this is a New York if you're gonna spew spew in this member hands I'm a little paper cup. That's not gonna hold Big vomit like the gentleman would have generated. The gentleman of that size? Mm-hmm. So you guys are, it's not part of it, huh? It's not part of the New York scene, like here we move merch.

This is what we do out here. Do you see what I'm saying? Like merch is part of it. I went on tour for six shows. Okay. And this is a lot or a little? I can't tell the way you're saying it. I can tell it's-

Was before the hiatus or was it- No, it's just, okay, so I brought, you know. I know the hiatus has been a very distressing experience. I went on tour for six shows. Okay. Okay. Where were they? Michigan, Chicago. Michigan?

Michigan. Michigan, Chicago. Hello? Michigan. Michigan, Chicago. Hello, Michigan. Just like, it's, I mean, good for you, dude. That's fucking awesome. The entire state of Michigan. That's not what I was kind of expecting. Damn.

That's fucking crazy. Oh, I went to Los Angeles. You want me to say that? No, that's not. No, I'm just saying. Because that would have meant I didn't get an invite for a VIP seat. You're doing a show in Los Angeles,

I expect VIP seating, the invite. A little tape. Mm-hmm. A little piece of tape on it. Mm-hmm, my name. My name. A little special badge. Like a sheriff's badge? Yeah, that's right.

That's right. The sheriff of the audience. If anybody starts heckling, guess what? They answer to me and my six guns. I went on tour six places and I brought, I brought my. You should have called it six shooter, six gun. You think I should have called my tour six guns. Six shooter, six guns.

Should have called it that. We all like it. What did you call it? What did you call it? What did you call it? I don't remember it this time. You don't remember the name of the tour? Doesn't sound like it was better. Okay, so then I was like, maybe I should get merch for this.

And then I didn't plan enough ahead, so I did sell my fruits games, which I have publicized on this show. The fruits games we talked about a bunch. Yeah, and so I sold 10 fruits games at each show. That's 60 fruits games. And you went so crazy that you walked out of here waddling because you got a big spanking because we promoted your fruits game too aggressively.

You know what it's like. How many fruits games? So you sold 60 on the tour. How many did you sell from doing this show? We don't know. There was never an opportunity for us to get a code. No offer code mentioned. But I know.

Because you didn't wanna know. I promise you, the sickos that listen to this thing They had to be shelling out for the fruits game. What's the promo code for the hats? Fucking WWW dot full price And also like how much do the cats cost? The hats cost $29. It's just $29. Okay, you sure I say hats there?

Sure. You said cats, you agree, you said cats. Okay. It's a slip of the tongue. Joe. Yeah. I wanna know for real. You say you come in here, you get somebody saying. God, I would've loved to see you on Dr. Katz, huh?

You come in, you come in, you. Is Joe not built for Dr. Katz? Dr. Katz, space ghost, I could see you. Wrecking shop on That would have been good. You gotta bring it back you go in you go. You got somebody coming in tough crowd Mm-hmm you say what's ideal this person comes in and says oh you guys you guys are just what do you want? You want someone to come people have been asking us this, boy. What we want them to do. I guess, listen to the other episodes

where we explain it every single time. We just explained it to another guy. We want people to come in and drop little references to other episodes or classic bits that we've done. So they acknowledge. Demonstrate your fandom during the show. Their fandom for the show. People listening go, oh, I guess it's normal and okay

to be a fan of the show. Instead of what you're doing. After that. Just sit back and enjoy like everyone else Just just have a good time, right? Is that so hard? I don't come I don't say but by the way no danger of me being invited on after midnight But here's what I wouldn't do. What do you want me to do on this show?

What am I supposed to be doing? What do you expect? Who is that? That's him. Take one guess. That's you? Yeah, that's me. If I was you on the show, being me doing your show, what you did to mine,

what am I supposed to do on the show? I wouldn't do that. I'd go, I'd buzz in or buzz in or something go bing ding ding Does anyone else ever? Yeah, he's just buzz in yeah, yeah, then what would you how yeah? Yeah, then I go whoa once I buzz in Well, tell me what I'm talking about You wouldn't even say who's I go on there yeah You want you want to do Well tell me something to do.

What about hashtag war? I'm a pacifist. Conscientious objector. I burn my draft card. But anything else. Mm-hmm. Would you all say you're terminally online? Absolutely.

By the way, it's so crazy that if you're coming out here to write for Ad for Midnight and you're like, oh, there's computers everywhere. It's like. Is it like good for you? The show is about computers. The A is computers in the show. That's what the A is.

It's a computer style. That's computers. No, it's the I. The I? The A is not computers, the I is computers. The A isn't computers anymore? The I now has the A from computers on the I? No, the I is computers.

The I stands for internet. Because it's like iPod, iMac, i... Internet. I... Which I? She says both of them. I didn't. I didn't. That's where she got the infection.

I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. Let me see it. Kevin, can you put it up here? Before we go, I gotta see this eye. Once again, I'm having a little trouble picturing it. Mm-hmm, maybe you can draw it on our sketchbook.

You went on a tour, you don't remember the name, you went to six places, one of them was Michigan. The Peacock Special, I guess, isn't a special. It is a special. Okay, but that's not how you framed it initially. You start this thing saying, FXX is only Supreme Court Specialist. You want me to come in making hot Taco Bell jokes?

Like that's something that I do. Just wow. Do you know how many Taco Bells there are in New York City? Underhand, like I'm throwing underhand. It's like three. Mm-hmm, meatball right over the plot. Make a Dairy Queen joke. Okay, let me go to Staten Island.

See this is the stuff. Oh,, let me go to Staten Island. See, this is the stuff. Oh, I would never go to Staten Island. Oh, it's so disgusting to me that I would be on Staten Island. Oh, come on. Oh, give me a break. Me. Oh, give me a break. Mr. Fire Stoves. You both are fathers. Jost is really cleaning things up over there.

I don't know if you've been. The fairy is actually hilarious now. Staten Island funny. Yeah. That's not called the fairy. Yeah. Yeah, it's called the funny. Five years in the future.

Okay? Yeah. I'm picturing it. You're both, what are you, 37? Okay? If I'm lucky. You've You're both, what are you, 37, okay? If I'm lucky. You've got 18 year old children. They're grown going to college.

You're sitting right here. Five years from now, you think Kevin's getting me back? No, you think Kevin's getting me back? No. You think Kevin's getting back anyone from my crew? You're gonna, wait, you're gonna put the word out to your whole crew? But my whole crew. Now you tell me who's sitting here

and how are they getting through this? Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, all right, this. Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right. This is actually, this is productive. It's just, we're just, allow me to kiss the ring. We're just doing a little show here. Look, the crew, obviously,

we don't want anything to go back to the crew. It's silly, the show's silly, we goof around, it gets a little extreme sometimes, but it's all in good fun. And you should tell the crew that, that we want it to be fun, you know? So, what do we have to, yeah, I mean. How are we?

We can delete some stuff. We can. It's a good start. We can do, Kevin has been getting really good at some voice modulating stuff, we can do, Kevin has been getting really good at some voice modulating stuff, so maybe we can make our stuff in your voice. Our stuff could be really quiet, your stuff could be so loud. Yes. You know?

And so, and we're talking your voice, so then like you're being mean to us? You could be auto-tuned. Right? Hey, you're being mean to us? You could be autotuned, right? Hey, you're. So we'll just have Kevin put like an example of what the auto-tune would sound like in the episode. And then you can listen to it and see how that sounds.

And then we can edit it. And I can have the eye infection. We'll split them, we'll split. And I can have the eye infection. In. We'll split them, we'll split, I'll take one and he'll take one. It's not the same, you need both. It has to be double. Okay.

Both, both and both. Kevin, get out both. Kevin, did you- He's the one, you know what I mean? Did you pull up these eyes? I'm pissed at him. That got infected with the computer? I'm not understanding what I'm supposed to be Googling.

Kevin, it's just. Kevin, Google eye syphilis is what you need to be looking at. Computer eye strain. This is like talking to Siri. It's the after midnight from the, the word from the show I want to see the image of the logo for after midnight. I think I know what I'm gonna say when I buzz in Quentin Tarantino, what's that?

What is that? Okay, what is that? Because you're writing for the show and you're writing for Taylor to respond to heaven to say what is that? What is that? Okay, now this is tough, because you're writing for the show and you're writing for Taylor to respond to him and just say, what is that? Cat to Quentin Taran zero. He's, he's, he's trying to play the game. Quentin. There's gotta be some,

we can't reverse engineer a prompt that that works for. Give me one. I'm looking at this after midnight. The eyes look normal to me. Do they? I mean, one of them, the E is kind of sitting on the eye. Let me ask you this. No, no, no, hey Kevin, can you Google the word internet

and see and look at what the logo is? The logo for the word internet? No, yeah. Oh my God. Scroll down. It's global. The logo for the word internet? Oh my god. Scroll down. It's global. Down. Down.

I don't think it's going to be down here. Can you scroll down? Could you put it in quotes? It's like talking to fucking Siri over here. Can you scroll down? Could you put it in quotes? It's like talking to fucking Siri over here. It's like talking to fucking Siri over here. What is this? It just looks like it. Honestly, our audience sounds like Siri.

They go, I'm sorry, I didn't get that. No shit. Well, you should have, it was was funny we were being funny yeah the eyes the eyes look normal to me hmm first time anyone said that around Joe bye that was a hate gum podcast