Hollywood Handbook - Joe Wengert, Our Storytelling Friend

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

The Boys welcome back JOE WENGERT to help with an important business opportunity. Get a Hat Pack Hat here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

this is a head gum podcast and joe when i tell you that the money is deece uh-huh you know that is for like that's short for decent i'll joke all day long uh-huh no i that's a big part of the show i i think or it was when we started was like really joking around a lot but it you know i don't always but i will i am happy to there's something if it comes up i will there are subjects that are uh verboten uh to joke around about and the money is one of them okay we do not fuck around with the bullshit when it comes i don't i just don't i don't play i don't play you don't play around i'm too old for games that's good i mean for me with money is i i need to just like have my money uh straight i

need to have that my My money's situated. I've got to get it straight. I'll take it neat. No ice, no straw. But with a couple rocks. Just a couple money. Oh yeah, the rocks. The rocks in this case are actually autographed photos of the rock.

Talk about money. The man's body is pristine the body built by cod yeah he fucking works and works yes sir yes sir a lot of cod have to die for that body and i'll i have no problem with it i have no problem with just full cod let me tell you what I wasn't doing before The Rock. Destruction. Worrying about cod. Hanging out with cod a lot. Looking at cod.

That's right. I wish I could say the same was true for me, but I actually. Okay, well, all right. And it's something that when I first heard about this, it made me sort of reevaluate. I know I like his performances, and I know I like this guy,

but do I like him this much that I'm willing to let go of probably one of my top three favorite animals which is the cod and what was this thing when you say you first heard about this what was the thing that you heard about i heard that he eats a lot of cod eats a lot of cod he eats a lot of cod um as a part of his sort of uh protein intake i said that already i mean i got fucking talked over you say so many things that's true you say so many i mean god damn it hayes i already said that and so i do joke around about that the money being de deece is not why we have you here today.

You're already booked, right? We already booked you. No, it's convenient in a way because you are the right guy for this type of task. And things just kind of work out for us sometimes this way. We fly by the seat of our pants and damn if they don't stay up. It's just lucky and we're sort of both blessed and having you here today is another blessing because we do need assistance. Sometimes Jesus is a belt. I agree with that. I was a little bit behind on that, but I i'm really i'm trying to make sure i say things

in the episode no we talked a little bit before we started about whether you were gonna some of them are gonna be late and but i just i'm not gonna let a whole one go by where whoops i didn't say nothing so when you said you're flying by the seat of your pants but sometimes they still stay up yeah and i didn't know what I meant. Jesus is the belt. So here I am looking at you like what you said didn't make sense. I didn't know what I meant. It didn't make sense.

No. No, no, I know. But the money is decent. The issue at hand, yes, is that the money is decent. We'd like to lock it in. decent we'd like to lock it in um so we have been presented with a pretty incredible opportunity um to uh forward the innovations being made in the computer field while simultaneously enriching ourselves with financial money. And the two things which have

always been goals of the show, lining our pockets as well as forwarding the technology of computer life here on this planet. The computer's pockets as well. So you guys always from the beginning

one of your goals the rip was to try and advance computer technology even pre-pod it was something that hayes and i would often chop it up about you know and i remember being into the wee hours just imagining how we could help hackathons. Sean and I would do hackathons. Land parties. Yeah. Land party? Yeah, land party. Like landline? What if I land? Yeah.

What if I see land's end? Yeah. C++? Mm-hmm. That's coding, Jack! We code in this piece! Yeah yeah you guys love to code okay favorite code language go um robe robot is that one robot robot robot r-u-r-o-b-u-t yeah can't say it's my favorite i also like ruby on rails and i know about that outside of knowing will heinz and uh to talk about it at length i think that's right yeah

i'm a python man but it's it's not really my place to explain what that would mean so i so i'm seeing them on PBS or... Because you could rent their movies at the library. And the movies have fucking crazy... You could see some stuff. Sometimes it's the naked people. And Sean's packing a couple of them as well. A couple of pythons.

You're backing them? What do you mean by that? He's packing them. He's packing them. I'm packing pythons. It's a pack- you mean by that packing them oh he's packing them packing pythons it's it's a it's a packathon over there lefty and righty fine i'll take my jacket off show show them a little bit that's okay joe don't be scared they're defanged wow there's some pythons over here sure so that's something that i use when i'm coding because people don't realize that if you don't hit the keys hard enough the computer doesn't

think of you as the boss yeah you get one stroke and as we go into this world of artificial intelligence yes it is a dirty word uh you know with the strikes and everything people are saying this is bad it's actually a tool though that we can use in all fields and it needs training and part of that training is punching the key so hard right that it's like i guess i don't want to cut out a line with this gentleman coder because he's going to be able to physically restrain me the artificial intelligence. Yeah. So go ahead. voices across our entire library a decade of work to somebody who is

building an AI in order to train the AI what would basically be the food that we feed it would be our podcast in exchange for Deez money and when Ibook. In exchange for Deez

Money. Yeah. And when I tell you the money's Deez. Mm-hmm. Please believe. So, So the offer's on the table.

That's out there. Much like Sean's frickin' Claude Hoppers over there. Sorry, I put my shoes up. I just,

I gotta stretch out when I'm in here. Yeah. I can't be all, you know, like all buckled up, like just like teeny tiny. Well, this is your space, but it's not mine. I like to make it feel that way. I'm trying to make myself very small. I'll put my feet on the ground. There's too much couch here if anything for me.

I can never, the court is never where i want it to be so we have this issue that they've agreed to deece money to have us train it but the computer doesn't want to eat the podcast well it's making the computer have a personality that they were not intending to gear it towards basically that what the shorthand that they've said is that the computer has become a woke sex addict okay which i don't know we just make the show uh-huh you know we were never thinking in any way about like what what it would become if it became like a technological brain of its own so the computer took in all the information from all the episodes of the show and deconstructed it and put it back together yes and it became an incredibly woke like dest, destructively woke sex addict of some kind.

And so it's, according to this programmer, it's, like, very aggressively policing everyone's language. Right. While simultaneously referring to itself as a pussyholic, things like this, that, like, where you go will be you know these are disconnected right uh the behavior of um being so concerned and you know always kind of scrambling for the moral high ground right and then really kind of like devaluing uh what we both have talked about a lot you know um romance love making right uh you know the passion that is shared when you really commit to another person yeah monogamy and um just making a deep connection and uh And I always want to mate for life. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a big thing for me. No, I know. It's not coming from... That's what we talk about. Neither of us is this, right? It's something about the combination of it. No way.

But neither of us individually is like a sex addict. I can stop whenever I want. Sean can also stop whenever I want. Yeah. I can stop whenever I want. Sean can also stop whenever I want. Yeah. I can stop. If second Hayes says the word, I'm hanging it up. When he tells me. Okay.

If I'm addicted to anything, it's free speech. Yes. Obsessed with free speech. Yes. Obsessed with free speech. Free speech. Loathe wokeness. Yeah. But it's something about the alien. In its current form, we should say.

Oh, yeah, sure. I liked it. It used to be very good. It used to be cool. It used to be excellent. Yeah. be very good it used to be cool it used to be excellent yeah but like all things you know uh becomes perverted becomes used for nefarious means right weaponized by bad actors um which also could describe some of the guests we've had on our show and i do blame them oh sure yeah is the computer only taking in your guys's essence or no and this is the problem what i suspect this is the problem the guesser have being an influence

too it can't separate just give me sean and hayes they're like the fly the guests are all the fly in the pod and i think there might have been one extreme outlier we're not sure exactly who it may have been but someone who was addicted to woke sex and has dragged the formula they wrecked the curve i i mean yeah exactly but we can't find it no we haven't been able to get out i've been pounding away at the keys trying to trying to find it in the code oh my gosh it's moving too fast it's moving too fast it's a ghost in the machine and you guys are yes yes bonking into walls and stuff and then the ghost it's a mom i'm getting it's a mummy but yes it's the minotaur's labyrinth in there you know and yes and the and the riddle is what guest could it be so uh you know your duty here is twofold okay detect the guest okay the wicked guest all right and provide us with content right some of your signature humor

that can train the machine to be not so woke right because you're all for you know clowning around and people's feathers get ruffled uh should be able to say whatever I want to say all the time. Yes, yes. Just like with that whole Jesus belt thing. Like, I just should be able to say it, even if it's not good. Please, there's certainly people in the country who would be offended to hear that. And you should be allowed to say it whenever you want. You should be allowed to say it at whatever timing you want.

You should be as late as you want to say it and as many times so i think that that is like very fair so we need to provide that and they will hopefully course correct but but your duty is twofold because we do also need to somehow sniff out and hunt assassinate the minotaur yeah i gotta get that guest and i and i am maybe think of guests that we could accuse of this cool okay other uh people yeah like let's put it this way like zach from uh auntie donna i don't think it's necessarily him but that's an example of a guest that we could accuse of this you know what i mean yeah what's he gonna do come get me like i'm long he's all the way in australia take him so long to get over here it's like it follows oh yeah just like by the time he arrives i got set up yes the second he gets on a plane the airline calls me yeah yeah they go well it's happening i go okay

i've only got a day and a half right to fucking get my affairs in order yes and then offer myself to him plenty of time for that jeremy from jeremy and rajat like it's not him i don't think but i saw him last night. He is here. He's here. Okay. No, he's, yeah, he's a little kid. Even better. He's 15 years old.

What show does he write for? What We Do in the Shadows. Does he ever get scared? Does he get scared? Yes, absolutely. He's a little boy. But those guys I would be comfortable accusing of basically anything. All day long. What the fuck are they going to do?

All day long. Yeah. So, it's like people that are safe to kind of pin it on but i wouldn't mind finding who it actually is like audio doherty yeah sona sona is a very very likely suspect that's solid suspect list yes but if you could just but here i am saying all the names joe why don't you say something but you could also like what we need we need you to be feeding the computer stories like like like things from your life people like you man man. Yeah, man. People want to spend time with you, man. People just like you.

Right. No one thinks of you as being too woke, and they certainly feel like you have a healthy relationship with them. People are not liking this computer's personality, even apart from the woke sex addiction. Making time, you know? Mm-hmm. So the things I'm – I just got to be myself. Be yourself.

It's natural as hell. The two things that I am is I got no filter. I say just, I am completely out of pocket with the wild shit that I say. You say what people are actually thinking, right? But then also I'm very chaste. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. No, we got to, you know, we don't want to work blue here no yeah

i believe you gotta lock it down and keep it in keep it in your pants yeah it's just like two things have a healthy amount of computer healthy normal amount of sex and not be addicted to it yes and you're and you're a storyteller you know that's Yes. And you're a storyteller. You know, that's your brand is you're a storytelling comedian. And so like it's a good, that's the kind of nutrition meal the computer likes.

Everyone's come on the show and tried to just like zing in with like a little funny comment. And what we need is a 10 to 12 minute story yes peppered with light jokes yeah like the little funny comments are the nutrition it's like feeding the computer unpopped popcorn kernels that's the that's the nutritional equivalent that yeah it's all candy it's all candy there's no nutrition you know it's empty calories but we want to give this thing i mean you know with thanksgiving around the corner let's give it a big feast popcorn stew yes

oh so still popcorn oh it's but just more of a heart oh it's a heartier but it's feast it's on the string yeah it's a little turkey It's on the string, yeah. It's a little turkey seasoning on top. One of those little Christmas strings. You just get the popcorn and you just can suck all the popcorn off the string like that. This is exactly. This is good. This is exactly what the computer needs. Okay.

Yes. And I'm not, just so to get it out of the way, I'm not going into the computer. Oh, God. Are you not willing to just these ideas and thoughts are going in but i don't have to put on a special suit are you asking or you're saying that you will not do that yeah that's what i'm trying to figure out when you guys were talking at the beginning i thought maybe i was gonna have to get tronned into the computer or something and i just circling back are you asking whether or not you will do that

are you declaring that are you drawing a boundary with us i just was getting uh just distracted of how tight is the thing gonna be or should i have to how tight is the suit uh you could see everything yeah because i got the opposite of the every no a couple of worms i got two old sickly worms that even if you went to the bait shop you'd go do you have something else i'm paying you real money for this give me a nice i want a healthy fish i don't want the fish to be sick even the fish is gonna pinch their nose i'm trying to catch cod for the rock yeah you know what i mean yes i am on the and we're doing a cod cast is that something from earlier from the thing that when you guys were putting cod in for other words yeah but it was always god when we were doing it uh-huh

but yeah all right well i'll get back to it we try to have it all be placed on the same cod we trust yeah right i like it i like it it's been long enough for me you started it right built body built by cod yes yeah no i'm not i'm not yeah absolutely hey man you started it, right? Built, body built by Khan. Yes. Yeah. No, I'm not. I'm not. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, man, you started it. Okay. So I'm not going to have to put a special suit on. I just got to be me.

Just tell a nice. I know you got a Thanksgiving story. What's the most classic epics Thanksgiving? Okay. That's the craziest, most fucked up Thanksgiving? No sex, please. That you've ever been involved with. Okay, well.

And ideally a teen Thanksgiving. You got a little bit of an unusual family too, right? I mean, Thanksgiving's a time for family. What were you doing ideally, a what? A teen Thanksgiving. Doesn't have to be, but that's something we're missing is like. Teenage stuff. Teen content, yes. Teenage stuff. Teen content.

Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, my wife and I were trying to have a thanks and just like a nice normal Thanksgiving. Been there. Uh-oh. Trying.

Trying to. Trying and failing. Yes. It's always the goal. Freak Thanksgiving. uh-oh trying to trying and failing yes it's uh always free thanksgiving let me have just a normal thanksgiving uh uh yes and uh i that we got i i'll go late too. That was a normal Thanksgiving said no one ever. So hard to do. Talk about your wife. The computer is like really loving this.

The computer is like. Oh, the computer is starting to like read really hard. Hayes is with it. That's why he's not here. Hayes had to go to the computer and kind of see what was, you know, how it would react. Its ear is like kind of shaking a little bit, like it really, it's like, it's very curious about what this thing, what's going to go down at Thanksgiving.

The computer's ear is shaking. Computer's ear is shaking around, which means it's really liking, you know, what we're doing. Oh, okay. He has to track it in real time, yeah. Well, I'm, it's my job to sort of get the bird ready. No. Turkey bird for everybody oh when i say bird i'm talking about turkey we have a lot of other uh different listeners and have and can just to do like a little small uh little funny thing in the middle of this story yeah does anybody even like turkey does anybody we go because how many times

are you ever in july and it's time for dinner and you're sitting down for dinner and you go you know what i'm gonna have tonight turkey oh it's so good that's why we eat it all year round yeah we always seem to have it the one time in get oh get it go no no joke go after go after the fuckers who call stuffing dressing okay and let me say get those fuckers if you're stuffing if you're trying to not have uh the turkey bits in there take your time i don't actually know how you make stuff no um i you gotta have it you gotta put this stuffing time. I don't actually know how you make stuffing. You've got to have it. You've got to put the stuffing in the bird.

Don't give me none of this stuffing in a separate pot mess. I don't like that. Some people call it dressing. Some people call it dressing too, which I think it's the first time I'm hearing about it. Not a fan. Come on, man. When I hear that I'm undressing. Say that. When I hear that I I'm undressing. Say that.

When I hear that, I'm undressing. For my wife only. Okay, good. It did not like the stuff about not liking turkey other parts of the year. Its tooth fell out. Well, I guess turkey sandwiches and stuff. I guess people do eat turkey all the time. But not a big roast turkey. No, I know, but you know they do roast that that's not what you said that's how you get the yeah yeah that's how you get it for the sandwiches so i guess it is really popular

food but it did like the stuffing i think is actually less common like i don't really see that other times a year so that's maybe a better target. Cranberry sauce. And the people calling it dressing I thought was really good. Well, cranberry sauce I have all the time. I have cranberry sauce every morning. So that doesn't, the premise doesn't hang in for me. Just the sauce alone? And what kind of vessel do you have? I, well, it's can shaped.

So usually it slides right from the can right into my thermos. And it's kind of like a boba tea sort of thing for me which is good god i'd love to hear that sound it makes sort of like a can temperature plop right all day long and yeah i mean i have a pretty shallow thermos so it doesn't have that far of a distance to drop so it's more just a schlump schlump oh okay so it doesn't really plop when it hits it it's more just a schlump. Schlump. Oh, okay. So it doesn't really plop when it hits it? It's not plopping that much, no. Okay. And it's kind of shallow,

so a little bit peeking out. And the thermos metal inside, or what's the... Yeah, metal thermos. Okay. Big sort of plastic straw. Okay, wow. Any design on the outside of the thermos? Skulls.

Okay. Hey. So people think it's poison they don't eat all your cranberries yep otherwise yeah you'd have to share the idea um well that story uh you know we had some positives and negatives it didn't happen i'm not sure that the story yeah the middle yeah the middle part was me sort of taking a break and saying is turkey even that good and then right yeah yeah but then because you were trying to have a normal thanksgiving you were in charge of the bird then you wanted to know if people thought turkey was good uh-huh verdict's kind of in on that yes people like it and then yeah and then we just i

i pulled her out and basted it and i was kind of skipping past this because it was like, yeah, okay, every half an hour I'm going to baste it a little bit more. And then I pulled it out and I put the thermometer in. It was good. I took it out, carved the turkey, and we ate the turkey, and everybody was happy. And that was. And all you wanted was a normal Thanksgiving, right?

That's what you're trying to do. Sometimes you just get exactly what you want okay the computer was was medically dead for a second oh no that's we're not gonna get this money if if we make the computer medically dead it really didn't like the end of that like the the basting it perked up on the basting a little bit, but then it seemed like you wanted to skip over that. So it was into the basting?

Yeah. I worry about it for the wrong reasons, though. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I felt a little... That was a little too sexual. Yeah. He kept saying, I take it out.

I paste it. Yeah. I pull it out. Every half hour. It's like, what else do you do every half hour? I can think of something else I do every single half hour. Oh, yeah. All leading up to Thanksgiving.

Whoops. Well, sure, you got the whole day off. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So it wasn't a super successful story, but I still think you're the right man for the job. Have you thought of any names of people to accuse? Have you ever had my dad on the show?

Oh, okay. Kevin, you do the booking. Have we had Joe Wenger? It's dad. What's his name? Ed Wenger. Ed. I don't think so. Okay. trying to think of other people i know um

edward wenger yeah that's right that's his name sounds like it sounds like something that batman should be like putting the clues together what the name actually means. Yeah. Feels like it means something, but it's not quite that. It's an acronym. Edward Wengert. Mm-hmm. I'm not going to say my mom, because if you hadn't, that's also, you haven't had her on the show, right? Joan Wengert. I doubt it. Joan?

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computer's feeling about it but are you so far's neutral. My daughter wanted to be a mermaid, and so she wanted me to be a jellyfish, and she wanted our dog to be a crab. She's the boss, huh? Well, she had a full... She's bossing you around. Well, Halloween is sort of for kids, and so she had an idea.

How did the computer feel about saying Halloweeneen saying halloween's for kids uh it's okay that it's it's it's doing an image search for joe's daughter which i i i don't know like good luck yeah oh you're one of the you you put like an emoji over yeah your kid's face on Instagram? I put a type of piece of, I want to post a picture of my daughter so bad, but I'm not You gotta put something up. I'm not putting her face up. I'm putting a piece of fruit there instead.

Big old hunk of fruit. And I, for some, I had an issue for a while where I could could not i learned how to do the fruit on the picture on the phone but i had a hard time figuring that out and i didn't want to ask anybody because i felt embarrassed so i went well and you got to show them the picture to even have them help and then they see it and so it's the same thing it's on just a micro level of what i'd be doing the internet yeah but anyway i went to a store they sell a little lampshade you put on your kid's head in real life for the picture. Oh, okay.

So then you take as many pictures as you want. It just always seems like they're sort of behind a lamp. A kid bumping into stuff. It makes it seem like she's like a party animal. A hound. It makes it seem like she is. Absolute rageaholic. She's partying as hard as Garfield did

when he was partying hard that's who i really associate with wearing a lampshade when stuff gets out of hand so that's cool garfield party daughter uh what did you do to be the jellyfish um so she wanted my wife i hope you didn't sting anybody. The computer like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's nodding. It's nodding.

But go ahead. I interrupted. She wanted my wife to be a piece of seaweed. Right? She really wears the pants of the family. Or the fishtail. My wife did not like the sounds of that being piece of seaweed right just one piece just one piece kids eat seaweed now yeah yep little in

little pack a little dried out packets yeah they do so we uh sometimes big wet clumps as well i mean it's not just the dried out packets oh yeah big hunk really big wet big slimy clumps of kelp yeah straight from the ocean yeah sometimes don't even get out of the ocean before it's in their mouths just you know if the tide's high enough i didn't i've never had it like that i've only ever had the dried out so what did you do to be the jellyfish? We decided to both be jellyfish, and we got umbrellas, and we put eyes on the umbrellas and lights to be the tentacles, and we wore blue sweatsuits.

Wait, so your wife said no way. Not only did she not like the sound to see me she said i'm not doing it she just said you can fuck right she said hey kid yeah fuck you yeah i'm not wearing that shit yeah he gets to be a jellyfish i don't think so and did two jellyfish i hope she didn't sting anybody no sounds like she really wears the pants around that house yeah and she's the boss and halloween is for kids but then my wife was like i'm having a strong opinion about it but i'm an adult uh-huh and so then we both were jellyfish oh umbrella two of them. Same color? Yeah. Same costume, basically? Mm-hmm. Didn't mix it up at all, though?

No. Ah, okay. I mean, my... Because it's just an umbrella. You didn't get two different umbrellas? My blue sweatsuit was bigger than hers because I'm bigger than her. Bigger guy. But it was the same type. Okay, that's a flex.

You can cod? You can make yourself bigger? Yeah. a lot of it yes oh great okay i feel like that wasn't another story well it was hayes he i mean, Hayes I think is... Okay, so something happened with the computer really bad because he froze up. No, he could be doing it as a joke. Don't laugh, Hayes. Okay, don't... Don't laugh. Don't you dare. You're not tricking me.

He's pretending to be frozen. Well, we got a little time. Do you think Hayes is doing okay well on the episode yo yeah oh good yeah okay i just okay good i just get worried um i didn't think he was doing that good he's in the computer too yeah he's in a computer in a way okay so he's maybe he's maybe taking on the personality of the computer a little bit. It could be. Who? Oh, Hayes is back.

There's an owl in here. Sorry, the computer really didn't like the Halloween story. I feel like they should have gotten two different color umbrellas. Well, they were clear. They were just clear. Oh, okay. And then you could kind of see us in between, and then we could see through it. What's coming off of them?

Streamers or something? Streamers, yeah. And then we had lights so they would light up a little bit. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. What kind of lights? Blue lights, kind of like Christmassy lights. Christmas lights, okay.

Oh, gosh, I would have loved to work on it with you. It sounds really close to something great. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm picturing? You know the, like, glow necklaces and stuff? Uh-huh. Imagine that. Because they do have kind of a ring in them almost, What I'm picturing, you know the like glow necklaces and stuff? Uh-huh.

Imagine that. Because they do have kind of a ring in them almost, some of the jellyfish. Yeah, they do. And so you get the glowing ring. And they could have also done two different colors. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, we could have.

Might have been nice. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Trying to figure out, sorry, what's got the computer so pissed off. Uh-huh. I think it was, did you say you put big eyes on the jellyfish yeah okay that's what it was that not what we associate with jellyfish i don't have a big eye they just they want a more realistic jellyfish and not a cartoon do not have them do not have those they might as well add a very defined spine yes at that point computer

just completely ignoring the actual physiology i get it okay computer and the computer is able to to deduce from what you're saying you know it's like a smart it's an ai and it's able to deduce that you did not look slimy no we were dry so yeah dry as hell the whole time yeah yeah so you're dead i mean i guess that's halloween right well i would just dry i did i tried to sort of move the umbrella up a little bit like i was kind of floating in the water um but then i was like nobody's looking at me that carefully. I need to be doing this little act out of a jellyfish here. But then who is it for? It's like only for an audience you're willing to commit to something like that?

I don't love that. From an artist who I respect that you're going like, oh yeah, I just only do it for the adoration of a crowd. So I should just be committing to being a jellyfish the whole time no matter what i think because there's an argument that your life is actually only comprised of the art that you leave behind and uh for you to say that um it's only for some sort of external reward and that you're not actually committing to it because you feel you know inside of you that you need to express yourself in some way uh it's disappointing you know did he say that computer's not loving it yeah sorry he did

i missed that exactly what he said wait a minute what did you say you said that you yeah say it again for haze because i i couldn't believe my fucking ears well all i was saying is that i i just i didn't i wasn't committing super hard to the jellyfish motion the whole time just because you know it's like who nobody's really, this isn't really about me tonight. It's just about Halloween and just trying to have the kids have a nice time. Okay, then what, so if it were about you, then you would have committed to the jellyfish motion? Like, this is what I don't understand. Like, yeah, it's about Halloween.

It's about the kids having a good time. Right. halloween it's about the kids having a good time right and then they're watching this dry ass big-eyed jellyfish stiffly plodding down the block this mermaid is just like trying to pretend she's never met you before. Mm-hmm. Wow. So dry, crackling dry jellyfish. Oh, man. Was the wife doing some kind of motion or also just clomping around like an oaf? I wouldn't say she was clomping. She was trotting around.

Great. Trotting. Yeah, She was trotting. Yeah, she was trotting. Trotting, great. Like a jellyfish. That's giving me something. Yeah. The trotting jellyfish.

We didn't have sex or try to have sex with anybody else while we were out there. Does that help anything? Yeah, that's, yeah. Okay. That's my favorite part of the story so far yeah yeah because halloween you never know right and we were trying to guess like you know what what some of the uh other kids costumes were uh-huh. Couldn't tell what they were? I don't know what I was going to say. I was going somewhere and then I got scared.

Yeah. Sure, yeah. So I switched it to another thing that wasn't as good. Yeah, you were offensively trying to guess like the race and gender of other people beneath their costumes. Nope, that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say we were walking around the neighborhood going going what type of people do you think live in this house and then i was like i just simply don't want to do this i found out about this right when i got here and now i don't want to actually be doing that no no no having no filter in a sort of way that it feels like you're kind of touching the third rail perform oh yeah it makes me i'm trying to yeah you're protecting yourself with pillows and just broke

into sweat a little bit yeah no we don't have to and i can't take my sweater off do that because get these dead worms in here it's fucking yep but we're at the second-rate bait shop. The Catholics are so, you know... They're unusual, I can admit it. And even the Episcopalians, too. Whoa, okay. I haven't seen anybody go after them, but this is what I've heard.

And the Baptists, too, I would say. That is a bit of a clam, yeah. Every... after them but this is what i've heard and the baptist no prisoners just that is they're all every every one of these they've got they've gotten enough you know who's i'm getting sick of is these people that are like italian american and also also Irish, and then German. Only not really that much German, but... The Swiss a little high and mighty as well, yeah. Yeah. Shout out John Gabrus. Is John Gabrus Swiss?

No, but I said high and mighty. He has a podcast called High and Mighty. Oh, yeah. No, I have been on it. Yeah, I was on it too 25 years ago. Whatever. I don't know we have time um i i we could use just a dollop of christmas in a little bit of christmas stuff just to taste yes just yes because we are this sort of our big like multi-holiday episode at this point and uh to

touch on christmas we good because i don't know when this is being released either or if it's being released right might just be for the computer okay um a christmas that changed my life was when i went down to chinatown and got a gift from a strange okay okay well any specifics around the gift no the thing that really sticks out in my mind is going down to chinatown uh-huh and um it was no of course i i do remember the gift of course as well it well. It was a pet. Oh, my gosh. Okay. Yeah. Any restrictions on how the pet had to be treated? Yes. The pet had rules with it, as all pets do, I think. Sure, yeah.

Anybody, even if you've just got a dog or cat, feed them twice a day or they need this much exercise. It's pretty normal to have some rules. I get the sense these rules may have been a little different from the ones i'm describing though hey well you said feed them twice a day and basically one of the rules here was don't feed them after midnight well that's not so strange they want to be on a regular diet if they're getting snacks at midnight then all of a sudden they start waking up in the middle of the night maybe that's why right they were and i'm i'm speedy anyway i mean i'm not i'm not doing shit oh no i'm doing a big shoo shoo i'm speedy as hell yeah i'm already in there i'm already in the dream realm at that

point by the time midnight gets around so i'm certainly yeah the dream realm where i where i can act on some of my repressed sexual fantasies yep so not an issue there i guess i'm curious what's the end uh limit on on that like when does when you can start feeding yeah is it always after midnight there wasn't any clarity from this man uh that i got weird the pet. So I assumed noon, but initially I was like... Dude, that's so late. Well, that was what I said

because he would get up and he'd be hungry and he'd be telling me. He could kind of talk too, which was kind of what was really interesting because I thought he was like some sort of like bipedal, like hamster sort of creature, but he could talk.

He was picking up english as we sort of went along in our relationship with each other but he was definitely sort of whining and but he was whining and crying for food at midnight too so okay interesting and then and i my dog could eat all day so you can't put it on the animal for that because my dog will eat non-stop we've got to be the sort of um control for them the governor yes we yes we must because they you know they don't have that internally in the wild they would be scrounging for whatever they could eat and and then you know gorging themselves when they had the opportunity. Can I ask this?

Because you mentioned a hamster and I know they can have a bit of an odor sometimes. So you have to give them baths. Did you give your animal a bath or was there a rule that there is another rule related to this thing? And it was that you couldn't get it wet. Not wet getting. Kind of like that jellyfish costume. Yeah, a little reminds me of the jellyfish. It is, yeah.

Well, yeah. Yeah. So, interesting. So, dry shampoo and just sort of, you know, brush them and stuff, I think. Yeah, scrub them with a toothbrush. Yeah. Wow, wow. Those are all the rules that's it just the two well did you break the rules at all yeah okay okay interesting this is becoming a good christmas story the rules were broken yeah i should say it was it was christmas time yeah uh but really this could have happened at any time really you would have gone to get a gift at any time well it sounds like

christmas gift it sounds like he just it sounds like he just bought it for himself no no he was a gift of this but he could have been a birthday gift. Oh, he was a gift for someone else. Okay. Yeah. I don't know, right? Forget that part of my life. It was so long ago. It was before Christmas. But it was a gift. 30 years ago.

So it's like, was it a Christmas gift? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Or it could have been a birthday gift. Could have been a birthday gift. I mean, my birthday is close to Christmas. Mm-hmm. Is that anything?

Yeah, that could be really good. What's the computer thing about that birthday near christmas boy you got jobbed oh boy people want to try and sort of only celebrate you the once the computer is listening uh to to how long gone uh it just feels how long gone yeah are you familiar with that show it's been written up a lot in like your big you know coastal media it's trendy and it's talking about trendiness yeah exactly it just makes you come away like feeling a little better informed about like culture it's a podcast and the world it's a podcast yes uh and yeah the computer i feel like feels like it has grown out of our show a little bit we had them on once and one of the guys we dm'd a little bit afterwards. And the other guy I've responded to on Twitter once or twice, and he can't seem to see me.

I don't know what it is. Because I met both guys, and the one seemed to want to talk. And the other one can't see or hear me. And it's making me hungry for engagement. And all caps hello with a bunch of question marks. Okay. All right. That may be what it is that I didn't start with that.

Cart before the horse. Which one can't see you? Chris. Orphan Black. Crisp Black. Yeah. Yeah. Orphan Black. Yeah. Them Yeah. Yeah. Orphan Black.

Yeah. Them genes and I seem to be like have a connection. Yeah. He's the face. He's the ambassador. He's the ambassador. That's right. Exactly.

The social element. Well, you know, and that's, that's you know couples you always have that any pairing it's like which one i guess between haze and i and we won't be mad do you think of as being that as being the face being that yes sort of the uh social lubricant you know and kind of presenting uh to the world you know the um face okay i found i found sorry i'm the guest i found the guest oh wow just the code just slowed down for a sec i guess because the computer got so speedy listening to that last story. It slowed down, and the mummy in the machine has revealed itself. It's Martha Kelly. Martha Kelly from Baskets?

I would never have expected it to have been her. From just a lot of things. Yeah, she's like so many things. I guess I'm not so eager to define her. Yep. Bye.