Hollywood Handbook - Paul F. Tompkins, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

Sean and Hayes share some of their stories from their friendship with Louis Reed and why they are the only ones who have the right to be sad about his death. Then they reopen the Teaser Freezer to dish on the teaser for "That Awkward Moment," starring Zac Afrin and Michael B. Jordan. Finally, PAUL F. TOMPKINS fills in at the last second to recall stories of the Honolulu underground comedy scene, tell us the difference between standup and funny movies, spill secrets of the 'cast biz, and answer some piping hot questions from the Popcorn Gallery.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I think she's a breath of fresh air in the music industry. All these people are saying, oh, consumerism's great. Like, we love consumerism. What if it's not so great? I disagree. Hey, what up, what up? It's Hollywood Handbook. I'm Hayes. I'm here with Sean. We come to you with heavy hearts this week.

We do. This is a difficult podcast to do, not the least of which that we had to get a last second replacement for our guest which will uh this is sort of related yeah um we were supposed to be doing an episode called our close friend lewis reed uh lewis reed sang with the velvet underground men, and he also did some solo stuff that a lot of people don't know about. He was a musician, musical guy. And a lot of people think, just to dispel sort of a myth about this city,

is that it is all movies, all TV. The last five or six years, music has actually been making big inroads in LA. It's becoming a big part of the culture here. And Sean and I try and keep tabs on that stuff. I was at a party two weeks ago where there was music playing almost the entire time.

And I only wish that Lewis could have been here to see it. Some people heard about his passing and put posts on Facebook, Twitter, Universe, and it kind of pissed me off because they didn't know Lewis like we did. It made it seem like they thought their relationship to Lewis was more important than the people who actually knew him, who actually could be sad about this, who would actually hurt more than anyone else. Who were truly grieving. Right.

They're trying to take ownership of Lou Reed's death when really it's not theirs, it's ours. Mm-hmm. reads death when really it's not theirs it's ours um speak on uh you have some story we both have stories about what's your favorite what's your favorite story about lewis uh well i remember um so it's uh my 10th birthday party disco theme you know and uh most of the people have left. But you know Louis. He's always late. He comes walking in, and I say, well, Louis, the party's basically over. And he says, is it? And I go, no, not when you're around, bud. We splash around in the pool a little bit.

We spin the disco ball. And then we took a walk. We drank sangria in the park. We wound up going feeding some animals at the zoo. We took a walk. We drank sangria in the park. We wound up going feeding some animals at the zoo. And he turned to me and he was like, Sean, this has just been the most perfect day.

And I said, make that a song. And then he picked up a guitar and he just started going, you know. And he was going. And I said, stop it. Stop it, Lewis. What are you saying? What are you singing? And he said, I don't know. And I said, well, what do you want to sing about? And he said, well, I guess that I just don't know. And I said, then tell us that. So then tell us about that. Sing to us about that. And then, you know, I don't know what he did, but I shut up and I fell asleep. Um, I think my relationship with Lewis, uh, you know, he was a genius and he was so, so influential.

Um, big genius, uh, to my comedy and just sort of, and I think that worked both ways in our relationship. We would see what the other one was doing and, um, just kind of feed off it. And I think what he most appreciated about me was I did not really care for his music

and never really thought it was good. And he needed someone like that. He was always surrounded by yes men. And so he would come to me. I remember one day he came and said, Hayes, I don't know what to do music about. Like, what do I do music about today? And he's like, he's got Warhol in his ear, seemed to do songs about fucking like Burger King and, you know, Audrey Hepburn or whatever. And I said, Lou,

do songs about heroin. Sing about heroin. And he's like, like well i've never done here it seems really scary seems scary to him yeah he refused to do it i've never done it and i was like who fucking cares lou no one who's listening to your songs has done it either like no his fans were a lot of pussies they didn't have the balls to do heroin they want to listen to your songs yeah to have like to feel cool and to have like a cool relationship with drugs like that's the closest they're ever gonna get so give them that and he was and like that's great i will do that they should be really sad right i was like no make them like sort of upbeat and happy like it's about a sad subject but but you're doing a happy song. And he did, that was, I introduced him to Nico, and he did that album.

And I still didn't really care for it, but I think he valued my input a lot. And it was not a commercial success. And you also told him that New York City was a cool city, right? Yeah, I said he should probably, at the time, he was living in Orlando, and he was sort of trying to get the artistic community going there. And I said, Lou, this is probably not a great venture for you. Go to New York. We talked about this on the forums a little bit recently. New York in some of the movies I'd seen is like a character in itself. It can be a character in some of the movies that it's in. And so I said, Lou, go to New York, get to know this character. I refer to it as a she. She's a great town. Yeah, but also she can be a little bit of a B word, if you know what I

mean. And I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but if you've lived there and I have lived there. Right. And my thing with New York that I always tell Lou is if you can make it there, you're doing a great job. Yeah. And so he went to New York.

He sang some songs about what he imagined heroin to be like. And I say this about New York. I say, if you can make it there, congratulations. Now go to L.A. He always regretted, I think, not having been a bigger commercial success. And that's what is so sad about his death for me the thing that i think is most lamentable about his death is that he never did make that much money yeah it's sad that he didn't have that

very much money and that he wasn't a literal commercial success because he had written a lot of jingles for products that he was very proud of and that they shot down. He had that great Little Caesars Pizza song that he worked forever on that I thought was some of his best stuff. How did that go? It went, Hot and cheesy pie Munch it with your mouth.

Garlic nuts and sauce. And I thought, this is the best fucking thing you've ever written, Lewis. I actually do like this. And maybe I steered him wrong because he basically only played that for the rest of his life. Yeah. I wish I could say rest in peace, but I know he won't. I know he's frustrated. I know his spirit is

restless because he... I know that he's very frustrated. But since Luke couldn't be here today, we did manage, we have sort of a standby guest.

Paul F. Tompkins is here. He has a new show. He has a stand-up. We're going to ask him a few questions about that. Yeah, I've got some questions about stand-up I need answered. That's a little later on

on Hollywood Handbook. stand-up I need answered. That's a little later on, on Hollywood Handbook. So I haul off and I punch the one top in the stomach and I go, that's for Jessica Biel. And then I punch the other one right in the neck and I

go, and that's for me. And Justin Timberlake started crying. Hey, what up, what up? Welcome back to Hollywood Handbook. It's a feature we really like to do. And it is really amazing how this phrase has entered the public consciousness. It's something that people did not... No one had said it, and now everyone's saying it.

Now it's on everyone's list. Which is a little bit of what we're going to talk about with this teaser. Yes. You know what it is. You know where we are. We're in the teaser freezer. Y'all know what time it is. It's time for the teaser freezer.

Let's open it up. This is a very, very hot steaming teaser going around. We had to put it in the freezer for a little while just to cool it down. To even be able to handle it, we had to put it in the freezer for a couple of days. It's the teaser for That Awkward Moment. Starring Zac Efron, Michael Jordan, Miles Teller. Starring Zach Afrin, Michael Jordan, Miles Teller. These three studs are gallivanting around the town and having adventures.

And I guess, do you want to talk about our issue with it first, or do you want to play some of it? Sure. I think that's a good way to start. A little lesson on life in Hollywood. Yeah, a hard lesson that we had to learn, and this is just, it's coming back to haunt us once again. Hayes and I are very funny, fun party guests. People like to talk to us, and we like to tell all kinds of stories of our misadventures that we have in this town.

We sort of set up shop, usually in one corner of the room. Yeah, and pretty soon you can see the entire party is gathered around that one corner. It's sort of gathered around. And the snack table's empty. And we dish, and we spin our tails. Yeah, we've got our patter worked out. I'll throw to him, and he starts weaving a yarn and

then i'll i'll grab the you know proverbial microphone and it's fun for us too because sometimes when this stuff happens to you you just got to think like well that's a good story at least it's a story yeah uh and so whatever we're happy to do it we're happy to actually make the party fun for people who don't know how to fucking talk to anyone like we do and aren't actually socially cool. And so we do that. But what you find out when you live here is the walls have ears. The walls have ears, and they've also got pens,

and they're writing down a lot of the funny stuff that you say. So the pens write down what the ears hear of the walls, and we mean people. Yep. And this is an example of some of these movies that are coming out right now that are stolen from our party stories, which we always say at the beginning of the stories,

hey, these are free. Gather around. Doesn't cost anything. These stories are free. We shouldn't say it anymore because people are making a buttload of money off them. Almost everything that happens in this teaser happened to me and Hayes. Let's play the teaser for that awkward moment. So, it's Ellie.

Are you serious? This is a debt of testosterone. You can't invite a girl to a place like this. Well, I'm going to buzz her in. She's not going to talk about Xbox. I'm going to be sitting here being like, oh, I have to fart, but maybe I can't right now. She better have some hot friends. Open the door.

I don't care. I'm getting wasted. So just quickly, it's sort of based on our patter. Like the basic relationship between these guys is sort of based on how you and I interact, busting each other's bees and. Yeah. Never really letting each other off the hook. Yes.

And one time I actually did have a girl come up into our apartment that we shared at the time. Beautiful penthouse overlooking the ocean. And she came up and Hayes tried to talk to her about Xbox. And then he asked if he could fart. And so they've changed it a little bit. In my defense, I was pretty wasted. I was pretty wasted. Yeah.

No news there. Is that ice cream? Yeah, it's peanut butter chocolate. Give me the ice cream. No, I need it. My girl broke up with me. What are you, Bridget Jones? Give me the ice cream.

Back up, little man. Give me the ice cream. Oh, yes, ice cream. We're going out. And we say stuff like that. We say, like, what are you? Like, Hermione. Like, we'll call each other famous girls all the time.

Yeah, we do that. Anytime Hayes is doing. When Hayes is. Brittany Murphy. Not being a man. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sean will call me a famous girl.

Yeah. I'll go, oh, geez, what are you, Laura Linney? What are you, Susan Sarandon? If you're single, we're staying single with you, man. Hey, you guys want a mint? I also wear mint, dude. It's because it's a boner pill. You got four hours to drink like Keith Richards, still get funky.

Okay, now this is one of our classic party tales. Sean and I, once, when we made a pact to all be single together, with our friend Michael Jordan. He's played by Michael B. Jordan in this movie, but in our version it was Michael Regular Jordan. Michael Regular Jordan of the Washington Wizards. We all went out together. Michael Regular Jordan offered us a couple of mints couple mints

and i uh am always ready to have fresh breath they tasted a little weird and i said it i said it's a weird tasting mint michael jordan regular jordan because it turned out that they was boner pills and here's something people might not know is when you take something that was boner pills, you get a major massive boner. And it will not go away. It doesn't go away. And if you're built like me and Hayes, it's pretty uncomfortable. Yes. Yes.

If you're built like us, they talk about the double-edged sword. Well, how about the double-edged spiked club? How about the double edged sword. Well, how about the double edged spiked club? How about the double edged pork sword? I'm still not going to do that. That's going to make you wait like 40 days. I was going to make you wait too. Then I realized I'm a dude.

That didn't change at all. That's my line. We're not supposed to see him more than twice in one week. You're seeing this chick twice in one day. What's the deal with you and Chelsea? Now, this is a comedy about the funny problems that a lot of us have, which is not being able to stop fucking. Yeah, you make a promise to all be single with each other,

but every girl you see uh wants to fuck you and then and then wants to be in a relationship do it all the time yeah like and when really you made a promise to your friends to only do it with them a few times yeah and then to stop doing it yeah and to certainly and we had all kinds of rules and they i feel like they might have stolen the actual notebook we had where we wrote down the rules, because one of them was don't see a girl twice in one week, and Hayes actually saw one twice in one day.

We did it twice in one day. And the other rule was, what's the deal with Chelsea? What the? Hey, it doesn't mean what you think it means. It doesn't? Oh, what does our relationship mean to you then? Wait, you guys are in a relationship? I will say I like that some of my problems with hard comedies in the past have been...

That came out wrong. Oh, oh, oh, oh no no we'll cut that some of my problems with straight up comedies in the past okay you can't stop nowhere safe some of my problems with just regular comedies in the past have been that the guys in them are not that hot. It's not realistic because the things that are happening to these guys and how funny these guys are and how cool, that doesn't happen to people who look the way a lot of the comedy actors look.

Yeah. Like when I watch Mr. Bean, he's doing his whole thing, and I'm being like, I guess this is sort of funny, but his body is trash. There's nothing funny about being disgusted. And I'm so disgusted when I see some of the freak weirdos out there, your comedy stars like Ben Stiller's very ugly. Bill Murray's old.

He's too old. Yeah. Shouldn't be allowed to be on the same screen with a woman. If anything, he could do voiceover maybe. But there's not enough hot, sexy studs.

And especially with this movie, the people this is really happening to are built in a particular way yes that they've been graced with

yeah sort of blessed with a certain feature I love the way she laughs I love the way we fit together in bed sort of blessed with a certain feature. I love the way she laughs. I love the way we fit together in bed. Because we're the same height, our crotches line up perfectly. That's really good. I love that.

I love that. Yeah, man. So run and tell her that. All right, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Man, you're doing it. Dude. And then he got hit by a taxi cab,

which happened to Michael, regular Jordan. And then he went, and that's why he started playing baseball for a little while. Brett? Brett, do you not get our emails? Do you not get our emails? Tell me that wasn't what I think that was. Do I have the wrong email for you? Brett?

It's just Brett at Earwolf. That was a sneeze. I had to sneeze. Okay, because that's what I've been sending it to, and you're not behaving as if you've read them. I can't sneeze? That's right. That's what the email said. You can't sneeze.

And if you're gonna sneeze, do it when we're sort of, like, building our rhythm. You know what I mean? Not when we've actually gotten there, when we're hitting the crescendo. When we're peaking. Of a segment. When you sneeze like that,

it all falls down, Brett. It all falls down. Brett, if you feel a sneeze coming on, text one of the other engineers to come in and sub. Wait for them to arrive. Get up. Pass the headphones. Don't speak, obviously. Walk outside. Go down the hall. Go down the elevator.

Go outside and sneeze in your car. I mean, I don't think that's too much to ask. I'm not saying you can't sneeze. Obviously, physically, sometimes people have to. But show a little bit of self-control. And we really do appreciate everything you do, Brett. It's only because you set such a high standard that when you do something awful like that, it hurts.

You did it to yourself. And it hurts the show. And it hurts the show. We're going to be right back. That's the teaser freezer. I don't see any... No graceful way out of it. We're done.

We're done. We're going to be right back on Hollywood Handbook. Hollywood Handbook. Hey, guys. So we just fired Engineer Brett. You know why. We were able to get Engineer Cody to fill in at the last minute to cover our guest segment.

So we'll be with Engineer Cody for the Paul F. Tompkins interview. Not a huge upgrade, but an upgrade nonetheless, we hope. So we're going to come back to the show with Cody, not Brett, because Brett doesn't listen so good, does he? I just looked him dead in the eye and I go, Clive, Owen, you want to go back to doing theater, pal? Be my guest. It's your funeral. And I dropped the flowers and i slammed the door did he come after you he wasn't brave enough haze and sean hollywood what up what up hey what up what up welcome back to hollywood handbook and insider's

guide to kicking butt and dropping names in the red carpet lineback hallways of this industry we call showbiz. We've got a very exciting guest today. As we said earlier, this was going to be an episode with our close friend Louis Reed. But he was very, yeah, unfortunately, not going to make the show. But we've also been very excited for this guest as well. Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hi. Hi, guys. Paul,. Tompkins is here. Hi. Hi, guys. Paul, do you want to share any Louis Reed memories?

I'm not sure I know who Louis Reed is. I'm sorry. That was, you probably know him as Lou Reed. Louis was actually his real name. Oh, I see. And among some of his really close friends. We called him that. We called him Louis.

Oh, well, yeah. I never met him, but but uh i don't really have any memories of him personally but i certainly the music obviously was uh uh meant a lot to to to me i guess yeah as it did to uh most people sure yeah the people who knew about him yeah well he's pretty famous i mean people knew people knew about him right some people knew about him. Yeah. Well, he's pretty famous. I mean, people knew. People knew about him. Right. Some people knew about him.

Some people knew him. It doesn't matter who knew what. One is not better Who was his real friend than who just heard his music and One's more important, I guess.

and sort of thought they knew him. It doesn't matter which one is more important. One is, but it doesn't matter at the end of the day It doesn't matter which one.

Which one. Ours or yours. Lou's gone and we were friends with him and that's all that matters. Sorry for your loss. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now we... I would love to hear you say that. Go ahead. What's up? Paul,

you and the two of us, we go a long long way back. Yeah. Starting off, when was it that we first met paul well we were back on the early of the show or we were all part of that um sort of booming honolulu that's right yes the whole the honolulu comedy scene when we were all kind of struggling and um which i hear is having a resurgence by the way yes well it makes sense these things are cyclical and we always say that about the business i hear that the club opened back up and you see it is amazing like the whole surf comedy genre that we were there at the

beginning of uh is so big now and so many so many of the sketch people that we were there with have now gone on absolutely to do like who who was there in the in our in our sketch what was our sketch group's name we uh ours coconuts and uh oh yeah coconuts and jokes go nuts jokes go nuts coconuts and jokes go nuts and we would say yeah we would give everyone in the audience a fresh coconut to drink from, and we'd go, and now it's time for jokes, go nuts. Yes. And they'd go nuts with laughter. How many of those sketches started interior pig roast?

Yes. You remember? All of them. Yeah. One set. Every single one. Every single one. The biggest variation I remember was that sometimes the pig roast would be indoors.

It would be set indoors, and then the scene would end with everyone dying of asphyxiation. Yes, that was a big part of the joke. Interior pig roast was sometimes the entire sketch. Yes. Yeah. Just us introducing that. Because all the smoke, yeah. But that is the Hawaiian style of improv, is that people yell out their suggestions as if they're locations in a film script.

Yes. It's sort of in the same way that Aloha means hello and goodbye. And it's like people would yell out, medium, and then we would have to move slightly closer on the stage to the audience. They would yell out, close up, and then we would have to get in right in their faces. Get right up against them. Yeah. And it's a very savvy audience.

Yeah. Very savvy. Very film savvy audience in the Honolulu comedy scene. I remember Denetra Vance was there when we were there. David Wayne started out there in that sort of sketch scene. He started that, I think. Mark McKinney. Taylor Kitsch actually played a baby in a lot of our sketches.

Yes, he did. And we'd go, wait, are we roasting a pig or a baby? And we'd switch them back and forth. And the audience would go nuts. They would go. Jokes go nuts. The jokes go nuts and then the audience would go nuts. Yeah.

But, yeah, anytime there was a scene at a pig roast that called for a baby, Taylor would jump in there. And otherwise, kind of a timid performer. Quiet, yeah. Didn't think he would make it, and he sort of didn't. No, he didn't. But as a baby on stage, he would tear it up. It was amazing.

Nobody was better. A lot of poi being passed around backstage in those days. I don't think we really knew at the time some of the risks. We were just trying. We were having fun. We were young and just like partying and having fun and stuff. It's not the same there anymore, I'll tell you. Huffing poi.

But anyway, so we sort of knew you tangentially there. And then we wound up being involved in an early incarnation of what was originally the Mr. Mr. Show, where we were going to just play Broken Wings for like 45 minutes every week. The song Broken Wings. Yeah, and then that incubated. And hold the line, which at the time we thought was a Mr. Mr. song, but then we got a network note that it wasn't a Mr. Mr. song. Then we did keep doing it. Yeah. What was the exec that gave us that note?

I want to say it was Warren Littlefield. Was it Littlefield? I was going to say Lauren Correa. Oh, okay. oh okay but at any rate that incubated for a little while and then it became Mr. Show with Bob and Sean

and Hayes and Paul and David and Dion that's right it was shortened to Mr. Show but then it so first it was Mr. Mr. Show then it was Mr. Show, but then it... Yeah, so first it was Mr. Mr. Show. Yeah. Then it was Mr. Show

with Bob and Sean. And Paul. And Paul. And Hayes. And David. And David. And Dion. And Dion. Dion Sanders. Dion Sanders, yeah. Neon Dion. Neon Dion. Who is hilarious. Yep, triple threat. True triple threat. Yeah. He can do football.

Baseball. Baseball and comedy. And sketch comedy. Deadpan is sort of what I consider. Deadpan, football. Baseball. Baseball and comedy. And sketch comedy. Dead pan is sort of what I consider. Dead pan, sketch comedy. Yes. That's right. And then just through scheduling, we wound up going to do our own thing with Dion, and that became SNL.

That became SNL. That's right. And that show was, yeah, the show, what was the show called before it was SNL? Well, it was called The Primetime Players because that's what, that was one of one of dion's nicknames right he was ready he was ready for prime yeah the ready for that's right they're ready for primetime they're ready for primetime players yes that's right uh and paul you went on to beyond frankly the greatest sketch show of all time kelsey grammar presents a lot of guys were going to say that. And

yeah, I mean, certainly people have mixed opinions about it, but Well, that's how you know you're doing something good. I think so. I mean, yeah, I mean, absolutely. I feel like if. I mean, absolutely.

I feel like if everybody's on board with it, then you're doing something wrong because there's a lot of dumb people. You know what I mean? There's a lot of, this is the greatest, then I would even go so far as to say if most people don't like it, it's probably better. Then that's probably good. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And take that, one-star iTunes reviews.

Yeah. What are you even doing reviewing Kelsey Graham Represents the Sketch Show? It's not on iTunes. What are you even doing reviewing Kelsey Grammar Presents the Sketch Show? It's not on iTunes. Speak on learning from KG and what it was like kind of drafting in his wake. Yeah, I'll speak on that. There was something about the way Kelsey Grammer approached sketch. I would look at that and I would say,

okay, if I were to do what he does, what do I do? First, be on two hit TV shows that have 40 years be internationally famous and hugely wealthy and so i try to get in that mindset try to get in that mindset and then uh i would do the sketch and i would wait for someone to say cut and then i would look up and i would realize no one is paying attention. Yeah. And, uh, which was, which was great because I felt I, now I can be creative. Yeah.

You know, it's like dance, like nobody's watching. What a freedom. Yeah. What a freedom. It's performed sketch comedy when no one's making a TV show. Like nobody's watching.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and thankfully for us, no one did watch it. So I consider that to be a major success, major success for me. And I mean, I know you guys got your thing going on and that's great, but I feel like I've done pretty well for myself.

Yeah, I would say so. We're not going to- We talk about that. We say sometimes like, you know what? Paul actually has done pretty well. We say it like that. And that's sort of the pitch. That's a whole brunch sometimes. That's sort of the pitch that we say sometimes like you know what paul actually has done pretty well we say like that and that's sort of the pitch that's a whole brunch that's a whole brunch you know what you know what you know what paul paul a matter of fact he actually did pretty well he actually did pretty well and we'll and yeah we'll say that i like what Here's what I like about that. I loved your delighted surprise.

Yeah. That I guess you could read it that you didn't expect me to do well. But the fact that you seem pleased by how well I've done. Yeah. That's nothing but positive, right? Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah.

That's right. So we had some questions, I guess. We're all podcasters here. Yes, it's true. It's true. You're a podcaster. We're podcasters. So we're all podcasters here.

I sometimes find that listeners are trying to break into this aspect of entertainment just as much as movies and TV, sometimes more. Do you know why? Because we make it look easy. That's right. That's why. I think that's exactly right. They say, I can do that, when in reality, you can try that.

You're welcome to. You're certainly welcome to. It's free to try. Have at it. Ain't no law against it. But don't come crying to Papa Bear's one, two, and three when you gotta run back home with your tail between your legs

to butt-piddle Kansas. Which number Papa Bear am I? In my mind? I think you're tied. Yeah, I think you're tied for two. Yeah. With?

With Engineer Cody. Yes. I thought that're tied for two. Yeah. With? With Engineer Cody. Yes. I thought that was obvious, yeah. So then you guys are Papa Bear number one together? Yeah, we're both Papa Bear number one. Okay, all right. Top two, I'm in the top two. With Engineer Cody, of course.

Just talking cast business. CB? Yes. Who's your podcasting agent? Oh, I'm with, it's, who is it now since the merger? You know how William Morris merged with Endeavor? Yeah, WME, yeah. Yeah, it's the people that weren't told about that.

They said, we're going to form our own thing. Oh, yeah. Verve? Yeah. I'm with Verve. That's good. That's a good podcasting job. Who are you guys with?

Well, this is a bone of contention because Hayes wants me to come over to his guys. He wants me to be with his 10 percentery. Yes. I'm currently with CAA sports fellow named leon rose uh who reps lbj cb3 some of those fellows lbj yeah that's what we call lebron james oh i'm sorry i thought capital l lowercase e capital b lowercase e, capital B, lowercase ron, capital J, lowercase ames. That's another thing we call them. The other one's shorter.

It's starting to become clear that this is really a sport like any other. It's a competitive. Show business. Yes, absolutely. Listen, I'm glad you said that, Hayes, because what I try to do with comedy is bring to it aggression.

Aggression, the desire to crush my opponent. To win at all costs. And glory. I just want glory. I just want to be glorified. And that's exactly why I don't want to share an agent. That's why I'm sticking with Jay-Z.

Because I just feel like be glorified. And that's exactly why I don't want to share an agent. That's why I'm sticking with Jay-Z. Because I just feel like he has that hunger, you know? And he has that drive in him. He loves to win. And comedy is about winning, mainly. What else is it about? Right? Yeah. What else is comedy about?

It's about winning. Surprise. It's also about surprises. Oh, I thought you meant surprise.? It's about winning. Surprise. It's also about surprises. Oh, I thought you meant surprise. It's all about winning. No, comedy is also about surprise. Comedy is about winning, and then the only other element is that it is just purely surprises. Yeah.

There's nothing funny that's not surprising, and there's nothing surprising that's not funny. If there's one thing that comedy is about, it's about winning and surprise. Yeah, and that's the one thing. This is so good for our listeners. Now, I had another question about comedy for you because you're in the stand-up game. Yeah, that's right. Stand-up comedy.

Now, Hayes and I don't do it. We don't know it from Adam. We dipped our toes in. We did Premium Blend and just sort of the... It's basically an open mic at this point, am I right? As a fucking jerk-off, we did that. Yes, yes. We crushed.

We totally crushed. But we do still have a lot of questions about it. Did that air? Our premium blend? Yeah. I think you have to buy it special. It's like a sort of album only, like you buy the season. Yeah, I think they just felt like they would sell a lot more premium blend if they held that one back.

Right. So no, it didn't air. But we had a question that I'm sure you have gotten before. What is the difference between stand up and just a funny movie? Hmm. Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. You know, I have gotten that before,

and I have never really been able to answer it. And I usually, I will usually just say, let's skip that one. But, I mean, this is being recorded in a microphone, so I can't do that in this instance. And I'll, this is a really funny movie. Because for me, I do a lot of letter interviews. They're all handwritten letters. Snail mail correspondence. Snail mail, SMC.

Snail Mail, SMC. Because I feel like I want to be thoughtful in my answers, and I feel that I will be more thoughtful if I have to actually put pen to paper and remember how to write in cursive, which, I'll be honest, it eludes me 99% of the time, and it's just a mess. And then there's a phone call from whatever publication it is saying, I could make heads or tails out of this chicken scratch. And then I'll have to write it again. Really, really, really concentrate.

Very relatable. Yeah. This is probably a little inside baseball. What's the difference between stand-up and a funny movie? I would say probably that there's just more funny movies than there are funny stand-ups. If you look at the state of film comedy in the last, especially the last 10 years, can you think of a comedy that's come out that hasn't been hilarious?

Can you think of a single one? It's a trick question. You can't. I don't feel like I got Fruitvale Station, but I don't think that means it wasn't funny. I feel like I didn't get it. Letters from Ewo Jean

was actually pretty funny. And now that I'm looking back at Fruitvale Station, I was cracking my whole shit up. And I did laugh my butt off for a lot of that. It is. That movie is choke on your popcorn funny. Yeah. Because a lot of surprises happen.

A lot of surprises. We've already established the rules about comedy. It's about winning and surprises. That's the one thing. That was a trick question then because that turned out. So it's a quantity issue you're saying. Quantity of quality. I'm just saying that I think it's very rare that a stand-up comedian is funny,

and I think it's all too common that a comedy movie is hilarious. Too many funny movies, yes. And other than that, they are the same thing. Yeah, the same experience, yeah. You sit down. You're paying money for someone to make you laugh, right? You pay money, you sit down, and you get surprised. That's how we feel.

And you sit down. You sit down. And you drink two beers. That's right. There's some sort of food or beverage being served. For me, it's two beers. You get a pair of brewskis, and then you get surprised into laughing. That's right.

Yeah. I bring them in my secret backpack. That's right. To all the things. Now, it's the backpack that's itself a secret, right? Oh, yeah. The beers are- No one knows you have a backpack.

Everyone knows I have the beer. They can hear those beers clanking around. Yeah. Absolutely. And you say, I have two beers somewhere. I drink them both at once with one hand yeah it makes a lot of clink as they go hand to mouth because it's hard to manage that's hard to manage yes so there's a lot of clinking but but no one knows where that backpack no one knows where it is

they think they're going to get it out of me on this trick it out of me on this podcast i got another thing coming can i tell you i was kind of kind of trying to do that. I know you were. I was. I know you were. You're too fast for me. I am. How are things casting-wise? How's it going in your Nash? You know, I'll be honest. It could be better. I'm trying to think of the last.

I did perform in London earlier this year. That's right. You did a Nash cast. I did a in London earlier this year. That's right. You did a Nash cast. I did a Nash cast. And it went pretty well. It went pretty well. I think I could have done better. And I think that I could have done better.

Speak on that. Well, I didn't do very well. What happened? Yeah. speak on that well I didn't do very well and uh what happened yeah I didn't I don't feel like I surprised the audience as much as I

could have or should have they saw all of it coming frankly yeah and it was this is humiliating and you guys probably have not experienced this

it got to the point where they saw everything coming, what I was going to say, to where I would get to the funny surprise part, right? You know how when you've seen stand-up comedy and there's the... Hayes has, I have not. Oh, you should see, you know what?

You should, I... I was going to say you would like it, but you might not like it. I can't think of a single person to recommend. But for the uninitiated, there's like a part at the beginning where you're saying boring things, like just boring things that anybody could say. Right. And then that's all in service of the surprise part that comes and then tricks the audience into laughing. So I would do the boring part,

and then when I would open my mouth to get to the surprise part, the audience would say it in unison with me, word for word. Mm-hmm. Oh. And, okay, if that happens once, you can shake it off and say all right you know that's bound to

happen to everyone sooner or later yeah but for 45 minutes every single punchline every punchline yes thank you i the term escaped me every single punchline they were saying with me in unison and this was all new material i'd never done it before oh can i tell you something paul sure that's not you because in london ever since the blitz good luck surprising those people with your comedy oh they're ready for just about anything you You know what? I hadn't considered that. You hadn't thought about that, had you? No, I hadn't.

Well, and that's why there's no British comedy. Yes. Yeah. They said, never again will we be surprised. Yeah. And life's too serious. Yes. You know how we-

Stiff upper lip and all that in it. Keep calm and stop clowning around. Yeah, keep clowning. Quit goofing, would you? The blitz happened to us. And so I think that's why. I have one of those posters. Everyone does.

I got a mug. Keep clowning, quit goofing. The blitz happened to us. Yeah. And I got one that says, keep calm and put a bird on it. That's funny. Because Portlandia, you know?

I bought it from the IFC store. I have a baby tee that says, keep calm and cracked on, like from the website Cracked. Let's consult the popcorn gallery. Yeah, let's dip into the popcorn gallery. Let's dip into the popcorn gallery, please. This is a feature we like to do where... You don't have to tell me. Of course I know.

Yeah, we explain it for some of the near and dear. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Engineer Cody. Please, pray, continue. Some normal people don't have a direct line to celebrities like we do. We provide a liaison to connect fans with some of their heroes. And that's what we're doing today.

We reach into the popcorn bag. Oh, no. And we pull out a question from our listener, Aztec. And he has a question for Paul F. Tompkins. And it is, what's it like living with the voices of all those characters upstairs this is like London all over again because

how does this guy know that I'm constantly hearing a conversation of you know like almost a dozen characters all talking to each other. Well, I think he's seen the show Herman's Head. And if you'll recall, for anyone who doesn't know,

Herman's Head was loosely based on Paul F. Tompkins' mind. It was a guy, you see him walking around, then they cut to inside his head, and a bunch of characters are sort of fighting. Yeah, they're all talking at the same time. One might be a real typical dude, and he loves sports. And he represented, like,

the comedy aspect, because he just wanted to win. Yes. And he wanted to surprise people. And then one might be an uptight broad. She represented, what was it, greed? Yeah, she was greed. Each one of them was one of the seven deadly sins.

Yeah. Comedy, greed, eating too much. Weather. Weather. Yeah. And fear. All seven. What a sin it is to be afraid.

When I see people with fear in their eyes, or I smell it on them like a dog, how dare you? It makes my blood boil. They deserve what's coming for them. It fills me with wrath. Boy, They deserve what's coming for them It fills me with wrath Boy they deserve what's coming for them And wrath is righteous So that was a good question from the popcorn gallery And that's why we asked it

But I have another one too And I'm gonna We find it and look at it. We're still touring the popcorn gallery. Oh, yes. Yeah, did you need the sound again? We've got many more questions from the popcorn gallery. Well, I wouldn't mind hearing it. Oh, yummy.

I have one from Skizolo. Yes. Okay. Skizolo asks, it's a two-part question. Oh. First part, what does the F stand for? okay Skizolo asks it's a two part question oh first part what does the F stand for

second part and have you considered changing it to fuck machine have you considered changing it to fuck machine well

it's funny and you're I know Hayes is laughing because he knows the answer to both questions second part no I haven't considered changing it to fuck machine because And I know Hayes is laughing because he knows the answer to both questions.

The second part, no, I haven't considered changing it to Fuck Machine. Because? It is Fuck Machine. It's a family name. Let me Wikipedia that for you, Skizolo. It's a family name. And my grandfather was a Fuck Machinist, and he died of fuck lung. was a fuck machinist and he died of fuck lung. Which is what they call it

when a Pinkerton detective clubs you to death. That's fuck lung. And then he shoves a piece of rebar through your lung. He fucks your lung with a piece of rebar. And so, you know, I mean, obviously this podcast is educational

because it gives you Hollywood insider knowledge, but also a little bit of history. A little bit of Hollywood history. So it's infotational, educational, And just plain sensational. informational, sensational, confrontational,

international, International, I think is how that is International I do apologize One more question From From the popcorn gallery From the popcorn gallery From the popcorn gallery Hey what's this

Oh it's just a kernel This one's from Octodactypus. This is a great new forum. A new forum commenter, and we thought we knew everyone on there, but this guy took the forum by storm this week. Yeah, we're really impressed. I love his name.

I love his avatar. What he's got going on, I want more of it. He asks, Paul F. Tompkins, How did you stay in the funny zone when you were acting in scenes with Emmanuel Day-Lewis? When I was working with E-Day, it was rough because he can make you,

with a cock of an eyebrow, make you burst into tears. With the curl of his lip, he can make you feel fear like you have never felt before. Unless you've almost drowned to death. It's very specific. Unless you've almost drowned to death. It's very specific. With a wave of his hand, he can make you believe you've never existed. And that you're the dream of a weird giant in another dimension.

And then when the giant wakes up, you fall asleep. And then when you fall back asleep. That's right. And then when the giant falls back asleep, you wake up again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would try to imitate that hand wave, but I don't want to do that

to you guys. Emmanuel Day-Lewis is a national, not treasure, but a jackpot. Like, we won. You know? It's like America put

a gigantic coin, like you'd see in Batman's cave into an even more gigantic slot machine. Like you'd see in Batman's casino. Yeah, exactly. Then all of America got together, stood on each other's shoulders so that somebody could get up there, pull that lever. And then Here's what comes up Three smiley faces Out of that slot pours what?

A bunch of dumb giant coins? No Little teeny tiny Emmanuel Day-Lewis, our greatest actor And the inventor of Webster's Dictionary But how did you stay in the funny zone, Paul? How did you stay in the funny zone? I pinched my leg. I pinched my leg.

Okay, that keeps you there. A little trick. Camera couldn't see it, but I would pinch my leg. Good trick, yeah. Paul Hayes. Thank you so much. It's I who should be thanking you. Okay.

Do you know a funny story? Were you going to thank me? Well, I was and I did. You just said you should. I should be. Here goes. Thank you. But funny story, before you guys called, I was going to kill myself. Isn't that

funny? That is funny. And it's funny because I'm surprised to hear it. Right? Yeah. Yes. And that really makes because I'm surprised to hear it. Right? Yeah. Yes. And that really makes me laugh. Because we were just saying the other day, you know what?

Paul actually died okay. I don't think Paul is going to kill himself. He's probably going to choose to keep living. And so the fact that we were saying that and just the exact opposite was happening internally for you. Oh, yeah. I had a length of hose running from my exhaust pipe inside my car. And I was listening to NPR. And I was going to let it happen.

I was just going to let it happen. Wait, wait. Yeah, I was listening. Wait, wait. Don't tell me. Yeah, that'll get you. And you know what? For once, I was like, oh, I don't even have to play along this time because I'm going to be dead.

And then my phone rang, and it was Engineer Cody. And he said, you have been summoned. You will be ushered into the presence. Good. So thanks, guys. He knows his lines. Thank you, Cody. And just, I guess, before we sign off, you have a new show.

Yeah, of course. You should tell us about that. It's called Shut Up and Jam. Shut Up and Jam. And people just get in jam out. That's right. Comedy and politics. And dancing.

It's any form of jam, right, happens on my show. And there are people that are dunking. People are in space. People are putting preserves.ing. People are in space. People are – they're putting preserves. Spreading on toast, yeah. Yeah. Canning. All over the place.

There's some canning. I feel like under the jamming rubric, some canning is allowed. I don't think anyone's going to fault us for that. There's no pickling. No pickling. Mm-hmm. No pickling. As wellling. No pickling. As well, there should not be.

But Fish is the house band. Sure. We turn the lights on and they play. Turn the lights off, they stop. They're like a big parrot. We're not allowed to talk about Fish on this one. I do apologize. They got a whole PCAST about that.

Because they have the other one. I forgot about the other PCAST. If we do it, Scott Anchorman will be like, uh, hello, I noticed you guys were talking about fish on your other podcast. Scott Anchorman sends a pretty nasty email. I thought I already had a podcast about that. Yeah. That's how I'll sort of say it.

I'm sorry, I hope this is not rude. I think it's ActorMan. Scott ActorMan. Scott ActorMan, that's right. We've gotten that before. We will remember that. Oh, great. Well, great to hear about that. And that's on? Shut Up and Jam.

What network? That's on... Is it... Fission. Fission. Fission. Is that right? So check the Fission. Fission. Fission. Is that right? So check the Fission network. Ask your cable provider if you get Fission.

Yeah. Any other big projects coming up you'd like to speak on? I am very close to closing a deal to host the Oscars next year. Oh. That's exactly what you should be doing right now, Paul. So good for you. That's really good for you, Paul. I feel like it is.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. That's exactly what you should be doing. That's a logical next step. That's so good for you. The only thing that I'm waiting on is for someone to ask me to do it.

Oh my God. So good for you, though. Thank you. Congratulations. Congratulations. That's exactly what you should be doing Can you believe we all were in Honolulu Would you ever have thought we'd be sitting here

You know And you're hosting the Oscars We're drinking out of glasses Instead of half a coconut I still hold them from the under I do too All the time Rate us on iTunes Buy us on iTunes I still hold them from the under. I do too. I do too. All the time. Yeah.

Rate us on iTunes. Rate us on iTunes. Buy us on iTunes. Buy the pro version. Jump in the forums. Follow the, yeah, follow the footsteps of Octodactypus, this new guy. He's good. He bought the pro version. Buy the pro version.

Pro version perks this week. Valerie Bryant brought the pro version, and she won an answering machine message recorded by Paul F. Tompkins. Congratulations, Valerie Bryant. Here's your prize. Go ahead, Paul. Hi, Valerie.

It's me, Paul F. Thompson. Listen, congratulations to you, and leave a message to the person who's calling you. So she can use that. Nobody else try to use it. Nobody change Valerie to another name, or you're not going to be able to listen to the podcast anymore. And I promise. And the other gift this week, if you buy it, is you get a clue to the location of Hayes' secret backpack.

And everyone's itching to get their mitts on this. It's a rebus. It's a rebus. And if you can solve it, boy, oh, boy, are you going to really be happy. Two free beers in it for you. Can I give a little tease? The rebus involves itching and mitts. Mm-hmm.

So that's... That pretty much gives it away. Oh, unfortunately. So we're going to come up with something else for the pro version. It's in his scratchy mittens. It's in his scratchy mittens. Bye. Bye, everybody.

Bye, everybody. Oh, my God. You got me. I was fucking crazy. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.