Hollywood Handbook - Please Don’t Destroy, Our Close Friends
Episode Date: September 19, 2023The Boys talk to Please Don't Destroy (BEN MARSHALL, JOHN HIGGINS, AND MARTIN HERLIHY) about living in Gotham. See their live show at The Wiltern in LA This Thursday!Watch the video of t...oday’s episode here!Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Discussion (0)
this is a head gum podcast
is the song playing is the song playing songs songs happening right now the song's playing now
it's going to it's hard in the new studio i don't know how to tell if the song is playing or not
it's beautiful by the way who did this casey did you do this
guys you don't know we've been struggling yes it's been really hard to um
get anyone to do anything right at this and i am loving this and i have um certainly asked for it
long enough but it's tough like
do I love this because this is
good or is this normal and what we had
before was like
should I have expected this
level of care from the beginning
and am I in a way
denigrating myself by even
enjoying like what should be the
bare minimum
right
we got these great guests we got big
guests big guests and it's uh the show's gonna be late because the scheduling was
fucked up kevin do you want to talk about how fucked up the scheduling was
schedule hey guys chef kevin her schedule was crazy messed up all over the place with the
confirmation and emails and scheduling and rescheduling in the
studio and the mics but we persevered and now the episode's coming out today and we're so excited
and grateful yeah we're really grateful we've got please don't destroy got all the boys we've got
benji and marty johnny uh jesus jizo and but the fucking whole crew's here and i'm intimidated usually we have two
people and one guest and we're kind of like the big boss but right now we are outnumbered and uh
you guys stronger you could have your way with us yeah yeah no you could absolutely demolish us
yeah yeah well thank you for hey please do not destroy us. Anything you want. Well, thank you for your knowledge.
Hey, please do not destroy us.
What do you mean?
Don't.
What do you mean?
Please don't hurt us.
Oh, no.
Okay.
I wasn't going to.
I wasn't going to either.
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
You probably couldn't.
No, I could.
Yeah, but it's three of us. It's less than could we could beat the fucking shit so okay i didn't want to i guess i didn't want to talk
about that at least not right away sure sure yeah i get like i i want to present a scenario
we're gonna get into it because there are three yeah so i want like imagine an image that's divided into four areas and the four areas are
cheeseburger yep hot dog yep yeah salami sure salami turkey turkey sausage and you see this
image turkey sorry turkey sausage turkey it's all of it
turkey burger link it's all of it turkey sandwich turkey salad turkey fingers hot dog turkey sausage
and all cheeseburger all hot dog but it's all salami but everything's too sorry yeah
but then you introduce the concept of one gotta go okay and so mike the question i present to you is
wid which effectively means what you did when you saw that what you did
i'm gonna go ahead and knock off cheeseburger link okay cheeseburger link well are you sure
you can't have it anymore if one's gotta go you can't have it anymore right am i understanding this yeah that is one got to go for the next 24 hours
it has to or a couple of minutes what is it it has to go and we never talk about it no we don't
ever again we never see it again no one else knows about it you know you eliminated it and
the rest of the world forgets that it existed if you try
to explain it to anyone you get killed turkey turkey it's gone i would fucking get rid of that
and that's all i know we said that before i want to make sure that you turkey hot dogs turkey
salads turkey salad turkey fingers and as clarification is that just for the
turkey quadrant or does that apply also to cheeseburger all cheeseburger okay so all the
variants so if you get rid of one you get rid of you may all want to agree on one because now we've
gotten rid of two yeah sliders sitters which is what I call the big ones. Turkey tacos are gone. We can each get rid of one
for all time? So yeah, guys,
we should team up on this.
I'm not changing my mind.
One gotta go.
It's turkey.
I'm not
changing my fucking stance on this.
But where my head is at
is that you could always
There's always pepperoni
okay well let's find out john chill what chill sorry pizza with pepperoni on top yeah i don't
care pepperoni for salami get rid of salami still got pepperoni uh-huh
so i don't care what happens to me you guys are having a side conversation or whatever talk about
what are you totally get conversation whatever it's totally cool
I don't give a shit if I fucking live or die
I don't care what happens to me physically
fucking end me
yes
I'm begging you
one has to go right
one of the turkey you
but it's all fake
it's like who gives a shit
we're imagining it in the picture you made it's all fake like it's fake like right it's like who gives a shit we're imagining it in
this in the picture you made it's right and i can see like you all like getting into it or whatever
like it's it's like it's not real it's fun because you guys had this really funny debate you were all
like weighing the pros and cons and like it was like a rich conversation so it's like and it as
an intellectual exercise it's fucking badass right
because like you know you see a picture like this you get a group of funny guys and it's like dude
the fucking quips are flying everybody just like it was like it can i say it was pretty electric
yeah our responses to yeah no and i knew i mean that's why we wanted to do it like because we
were like yeah this is going to be this like because we were like this is going to
be this is the crew for like this kind of thing where like you at one point were saying cheeseburger
and i mean i was dying like dude i was dying dude so it was it was really nice no it was
a good way to kick it off too yeah yeah yeah well. Yeah. Well, that was part of like Hayes's idea of like,
let's get everybody comfortable and just get into something where it's like
funny.
No holds barred conversation.
Yes.
Like,
so you guys talked about everybody weighing in.
Yeah.
So you guys were like,
Hey,
maybe we should start the show off.
Like we split foods into quadrants and that'll.
I don't want to get too much.
I love talking
about this okay i'm a process guy yeah i don't like to know what no it's cool it's cool because
is it beats is it scripted yeah yeah how do you guys yeah it's a loose outline with some
lines we know we have to hit yeah yeah like i knew at one point i was gonna say i don't
care if i live or die right that i was like i'm gonna work my way that felt rehearsed that felt
rehearsed a little that and i knew it i i wasn't uh i wasn't in the moment performance wise i could
have beaten it but uh yeah it's okay it was but we had the outline of like Hazel. Talk about the quadrants.
Hazel.
Hazel.
Have we started?
That's something.
Have we started?
I don't know because they said the song played, but I didn't hear a peep.
No, I didn't either.
Is that a new studio thing?
And also I said, is the song playing?
Right.
Kevin said it's going to play.
So we don't know if it's played yet, Kev?
We can start whenever you guys are ready.
Okay, cool. Let's start it up. to play. So we don't know if it's played yet, Kev? We can start whenever you guys are ready.
Kevin said it's going to play
and then he said it has played in the past.
Yes.
So it's like
every song
has played in the past.
But don't be singing it while
if it is playing
at the same time as you're singing it
it can make people throw up.
Really? I wouldn't want that. playing at the same time as you're singing it to make people throw up. Oh, really?
Yeah.
I wouldn't want that.
It's physically overwhelming.
Then we have to slap the red E on it.
Can I bring something up?
We have to put a T on it for throw up.
Can I bring something up?
Last night, teen throw up.
I was on Instagram
and there was a video
Don't get us in trouble
No no no
It's not about you guys
What do you think of this
I was on Instagram
There was slow jazz music
On stills from the original
Batman animated show
It was jazz music
What it would feel like can't
be promoting this stuff can't be talking about this okay yeah yeah okay strike wise it's just
strike wise that's fine but it's not fine yeah sorry it sounds like you have something really
good but i just think cannot be doing this is like trying to stay
kind of like okay okay but just take the information that you know right that i've already
said it said what it would feel like to live in gotham and somebody commented this is fucking
really cool but it would be it would be a fucking nightmare to live in Gotham.
And I cried, dude.
Yeah.
Why would it be a nightmare?
Oh, the penguin?
The Joker?
Oh, I don't know.
Penguin's your neighbor?
Yeah.
Hey, trick or treat.
Yeah, he actually does live there.
What are you doing?
Whoa.
The penguin. And I respect the fucking strike. I love the fucking strike. Okay. yeah he actually does what are you doing the penguin
and I respect the fucking strike
I love the fucking strike
but we need to be talking about things
that fuck outside of
like television we need to be
talking about it
we can't be doing this it's like
I need to I need to
I'm so bottled up
I've got a tv talk blue balls i mean we all do a little bit
we all are a little bit suffering from that craving to discuss content and like thinking about
living in gotham yeah i mean having a date with selena kyle
and getting my throat slashed open with cat claws it's a nightmare to me you know because i like
order the wrong you got an appetizer like the wine she has to sip the wine and she asked for
a little bowl to be put on the floor she's drinking the wine out of a bowl on the floor.
I say miss using the back of her tongue to scoop it up into her mouth.
We don't normally.
Yeah.
We don't normally drink out of a bowl on the floor.
Yeah.
Right.
I know it's I just wanted to bring that up.
It's a good thing to think about.
At the Gotham Grill,
I've saved up all month
to take her to the Gotham Grill.
Like
scrimping and saving.
Eating ramen.
Because I want to go to the
Gotham Grill. I want to impress
Selena.
And you go up and you go,
can you not drink wine out of a bowl?
This is my special night.
No, I'm sorry.
You were going to say, can I get what?
No, you go to the cashier.
He looks normal, right?
Go, hey, can I get a bat beer?
Whatever they have in Gotham.
And you look up.
It's all bats.
It's a whole bat.
Yeah.
And it's the fucking penguin is taking your order and so you looked up the penguin works right yeah okay he's huge well the seats are so low in gotham the chairs are like against the
ground the table legs are like it's like ridiculous really yeah it would be a night
he's on his big like parade float tank
which i guess he probably would be yeah you know he's like out in the world so then yeah he's huge
penguin is
yeah that's fucked up but we can't like i don't want to promote it but we have to talk about and think about some of this
but it's questions like we have this time right are we using this time to develop our work are
we going to come out the other side of this yeah exactly the way we went in and it's where i think the one gotta go concept is like really can be very incisive
can we take it out of right the context of these imaginary food debates which by the way
still laughing about some of the stuff we were coming up with during that
but can we put it in the real world and say okay we've got these three guys here do we need
three oh like us one gotta go gotta go that's interesting okay now that is interesting your
idea i'm starting to like the one gotta go out of the three what josh has meant like the the
applying one gotta go because you're
you're actually getting something which is like when it's like comedy stuff it's like one obviously
is pathetic like one person up there one's a loser one standing still on stage who are you
talking to like what like yeah no yep no three is a disease it's also pathetic right two is the middle ditch and
schwartz sweet spot right well you've got middle-aged schwartz okay uh let me think um
steven marty oh steven marty martin and martin we got uh jake and amir yeah that is real and so since you did mention can we just get a mirror
i do just for full disclosure since you are a fan i don't know how this will affect you but
amir did uh refer to the three of you as please do not destroy yesterday
without he didn't do the contraction yes he did not and so please do not destroy that's like he
knows your stuff that's hard to hear that's really hard to hear don't really digging in
not necessarily but like it has passed he's not peripheral vision he's not hearing it spoken he's
not reading it he's not typing it into a search yeah that's kind of walking past
someone who's having a conversation about it yeah yeah yeah which is like that's how big this thing
is yeah that amir is like almost in contact with him yeah but you got those two guys. What's other two guys? Penn and Teller.
Uh-huh.
Bingo!
One of our bigger inspirations.
Penn and Teller, for sure.
Not necessarily comedy, but Bush and Cheney.
Sure, there's all kinds of... Yes, and the dynamic.
We had the heavy, and then we had the kind of goofball.
Yes!
I mean, it does work.
It does work.
No, it's so simple.
It's an odd couple, not an odd thruple
yes
yes
yes
ooh
could I sell the odd thruple
I think you could
and we think
like we expanded that
even more
let's talk after
let's talk after
the odd thruple
that works
sometimes it just works I don't need to hear about it but in this
but just for the purpose that's for later yeah that's for after this one's really messy but
one's really clean but one's really smart one's a dead body i get one of them is dead that's odd and then you are
and so then the third one is is effectively something that has to be either cleaned up or
not yeah yeah oh yeah okay when are you gonna clean that up? I'm not.
I told you when we signed the lease, I was messy.
Yeah, I'm so messy.
I will not be doing that.
Now, okay, well, I'm so tidy, I can't touch it because it's like a rotting corpse.
You know what I mean?
So this is the one thing I won't clean.
I'm very clean.
I'll wipe the soap scum in the bathroom,
but I'm not going to touch that. It's like, not touching i'm messy i'm messy i like it and you
guys will edit this out uh this part just kind of all of what we've done so far are we start i don't
know if we started oh no that's the other thing almost i've almost found the theme with this i
mean get used to this pete's not gonna be any kinder in terms of letting you know where you're at.
He'll just capture the moment.
Scary.
They're doing Beat Homes later.
So.
It was supposed to be a surprise.
Is that also coming out?
It'll be surprising.
No.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we were asked to do a delayed release.
I wasn't looped in on Pete.
What was the concept of Pete is Day Of?
Sorry.
Pete is Day Of.
Hey, hey, relax.
Wait, did we make you guys change your schedule to accommodate?
Yeah, we fucking did.
I wasn't looped in on it.
So yeah, I was told the guys there's the big show
at the will turn and i guess it's fucking nuts dude so it's this will come out today this is
tuesday thursday you're gonna be at the wilter at the wilter treading the very same boards that colin mulloy once intoned the verses of odelise gone this is your moment yep
thank you let's talk about it guys i mean her majesty castaways and cutouts like what is our
what's our december so be doing be doing stuff about kissing a bird?
Yes.
Not ancient catacombs.
And yes, Bartleby the Scrivener, et cetera.
Yes.
Yeah.
It's a lot of that stuff.
Okay.
But kind of for the Gen Z.
Could be so funny like if if we were about like it like it could be like i could stop wait dude dudes
this was maybe thinking like sick you know what you ought to do what's up bro you got to put us in some of your
stuff yeah like not even just the show if like we were that's insane so we're in the videos
oh my god that's fine i do it that's so fucked up yes you have to do that shit you have to man that's so funny oh my god
i'm so i'm glad you're here maybe you play us maybe you guys and kevin play oh well what's
great is there's two right so which we know works maybe one yes maybe once we activate the One Gotta Go protocol,
then that would be so...
At that point, it's so easy.
Do you guys do voices and stuff?
Do you guys do characters?
Or what would you...
Because we do a lot of voices and characters.
In our lives. No, yeah.
So do you have a character or anything?
Don't make me pick no i got
yeah the shorter list is characters i don't do do we do voice i don't do trump i don't do anyone
famous yeah you don't shorter list yeah that list is shorter it's basically i don't do any
celebrities i don't do anything feels like i don't do any long list if you don't do any celebrity
well the list is only three right now trump anyone famous accents right oh
easier in some ways to say what we do sure yeah sure well and i guess what we do like voices
characters like not so much what we do do is the damn thing every damn day wow i like that
every single damn day i just got chills do the damn thing. I just got chills. We're doing it right now.
We'll do it long after you're gone.
We did it yesterday.
We tried to do it the day before that.
We didn't.
But essentially it's every damn day we do it.
What happened the day before?
Yeah, what happened?
You were sick.
I forgot to drink water.
You ever get like a little headache and you go like
have i had a single sip of water in the past 72 hours have i had but a single sip in the past
like i really do kind of go like yes yes i'm gonna don't like can i take care of myself i
forgot to drink water.
I think it's one of the essential elements that helps us live.
For some of the Tulsi, if you do it without water, it could get stuck.
And sometimes it's like, does coffee count as water?
Right.
Yeah.
It feels like it should.
It should.
I know I put water in when I make it.
Yeah.
But no.
Yeah.
I guess it doesn't.
Or like vodka or everclear
ice
right let's clear out for martin for a second
because it felt it didn't feel like it's something was happening here.
I just thought we were kind of chugging along with the water and the coffee,
and I was thinking, nice.
I loved that.
I loved seeing that.
That was very powerful.
It was very sweet.
Thank you.
You're making a strong case.
It was coming from a very honest place, I felt like.
And the timing.
Because I'm looking at the clock, it's 23 minutes in,
and I would say that Martin has arrived on this episode.
Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan switched the goat of all time.
Well, I said that thing about the penguin being tall, too.
That's true. No, I wouldn't necessarily about the penguin being tall, too. That's true.
That was just...
No, I wouldn't necessarily say that was your thing.
That got cut.
He was looking up.
I said...
And I'm not protective of, like, it's not my stuff.
No, a bit.
No.
I'm only responding to the fact that you said that you did it.
I was like...
Noticed that he was looking up
at the pigment
what I'll say is nobody's keeping score
you know what I mean like that's not an attitude
to bring to this
you are on the board now which is great
like with the ice thing
like you know there's no
it's undeniable that you're on the board
but nobody's keeping score
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It wouldn't be that bad living in Gotham.
Well, what I was thinking earlier...
Okay, all right.
Because I was crying about it.
Yeah, what's up?
Well, is that I would feel so protected
having Batman.
Batman, right.
I don't have a Batman.
Who's my Batman here?
Biden?
But I love this where everyone thinks,
and this is just like, it's so American in a way.
Like everyone thinks like, oh, if I lived in Gotham,
I'd be one of the people Batman was protecting.
And it's just like, I'm a good person.
And it's like, oh, really?
Like, look around at the ills of society
and your failure to proactively prevent
literally anything bad from happening to anyone.
And maybe Batman being there isn't such a comfort anymore
when you know he would be kicking your happy meal ass
up and down Gotham's main street. He would show up
and put your ass on the fucking deck.
One shot. Boom, bitch.
See you later.
Started using guns today
for you.
Literally went back on his
only policy to use
guns on you. What did you do?
It's what you failed to do right wow
we can always be doing more and it's the whole idea your thing of like i want to go to gotham
because like i'll be protected yeah so i can get away with anything i want feels kind of odd
it's like a very american point of view to me i'm sorry there would be shouldn't have said that
you said one foot i love that you said it because it actually allowed us to have
the kind of conversation this show was intended to foster totally totally which is like what's wrong with you yeah like what's wrong with you and how
do we fix it totally one's gotta go yep yes we know that i'll say right now it seems like it's
between me and martin can we just acknowledge well i mean there's a lot of time left if there's
anything like josh for example is introducing stuff that
he saw on instagram stop calling me josh just i not just sire you just call me john
johnny boy okay well this is part of the thing i mean well i speak up for myself right but
yes but it's like there's it's so many but it's good there could just be
one josh then i think we would do you see something i can wrap my head around we're like we have a
job we have a job okay great we could just have one because yes yeah we've got now is johnny boy
yeah that's a lot benji and marcus and we're and we've got there's nothing that sticks to me in any
way the way that Josh does
it's can we get
it one by one just like the whole
just like can we just kind of
like a marker the name thing
which one is please yes which one
is right so this
is yeah this is a good question to talk about
yeah who's please
voices and stuff too for people listening i think
it's it's helpful i would say i'm please yeah okay don't yeah don't okay just destroy yeah i
got that and batman understands that as well yeah and that's why i believe in batman's
sometimes you have a gotham public the second jacuzzi sometimes you have a conversation on
a podcast and you start thinking am i evil right yeah right you are now entering gotham you are now
exiting gotham how the fuck in structure yeah that you're shot in the head your point blank
batman yes your soul is uh i don't know going to hell or I don't know.
Eternally suffering.
Hey, touch my shoe.
It's just something I say when you touch my shoe.
I'm just curious to see.
Stop it.
Come on.
Ben, dude.
I'm feeling like I got to go. No, no, no, no, no no no no you know what i'll go figure it out because i'll be fine i so i sing i fucking dance uh i'll be fine so i'll go
okay okay all right all right later buddy yeah
it's okay should we fucking is that feeling do we could on thursday at the will turn we could
Is that feeling... We could.
On Thursday at the Wiltern, we could.
That could be so fucking funny.
It would be funny.
Are you doing December songs in your set?
Whose name is the show in?
Yeah, what's on the...
Who signed the thing?
Contract or whatever.
I don't understand the question.
Whose name is the show in?
Whose name is the show in?
They gotta put the show under somebody's name just for like.
Obviously someone like reserves the stage time.
Yeah.
And just for like liability reasons and like.
Yeah.
Someone got to show their ID.
We're going to need to see ID.
You're going to do a show here.
That's a character.
We can't just have anyone showing up and just like being like, it's my show.
It's like, no, I'm going to have to see your ID.
You're going to have to get this on paper.
Yeah. So whose name is that? I'm picking to have to see your ID. I'm going to have to get this on paper. Whose name is that?
I'm picking up not yours.
It's boring.
This is boring.
This is boring.
What?
Can we get all the names?
It feels like John wanted to switch with me.
John.
Yes.
John.
Higgins. Higgins.
Okay.
Higgins.
Got it.
Higgins.
Got it.
Okay.
Martin Hurley.
Martin Hurley.
Okay.
And you're not saying he said Martin before.
He was saying Martin and Martin and stuff.
You're not just picking up off something he said before.
No, that is my name.
Okay.
We're talking about Martin. Got it. Okay. Because not just picking up off something he said before. No, that is my name. Okay. Got it.
Okay.
Cause some people are receptive.
He does like this.
Neuro-linguistic programming.
NLP.
Yeah.
You might not even know.
Yeah.
No,
but I worked the word penetrate into like casual conversation so that people
are kind of picturing.
They're thinking about.
Yeah.
Pounding and stuff.
Yeah.
Polarization of.
Yeah.
Ben Marshall. Okay. Okay. We are, thinking about yeah pounding and stuff yeah polarization of yeah ben marshall okay okay we are we are marshall and so they're saying
and so your response to basically what happened to them is no i am marshall
yeah okay you so you see that old movie yeah so you're adding one thing they want is the most important thing to them.
In the wake of a tragedy.
Yep.
Just for them to sort of embrace their identity.
And then you come marching in, right?
Not so fast.
Yeah.
Actually, I march.
I am Marshall.
No, actually, I am Marshall.
Yeah.
And you're not.
You know what? Chevy did that that that wands mode yeah not to talk about you know yeah yeah yeah yeah film right sorry it's an
hour and a half right it's a so yeah it's a it's a yeah it's a film it's a
movie every week we make a new movie
yeah you guys know how you guys do the titles of like our best friend or whatever our close
our personal friend yeah it should be uh i don't read the time i mean like it's my i do the show
every week so i'm not like you're not like you know like the newspaper and being like what's
the title is this in the newspaper?
The schedule is in there.
I would love to read a transcript of this conversation.
Well, I was thinking it should be called Please Don't Destroy Our Worst Conversation Ever.
Kevin is not really an accessibility guy.
You know?
He takes a stand against that?
Yes.
Yes. Damn. he talks about successability
yes in his mind is like the opposite of accessibility just like if you're if you're
a true winner you'll have the will to succeed and you will find a way to access whatever the
content is that he makes oh no i don't agree with that
doesn't want to like he said he's just not about like hand holding yes for this this generation
jeez i don't know what you know i have a horny version too called success ability kevin that's
on the back that's in the back of the newspaper taking his pants version he has a horny version
it's a horny version of anything as a horn you know and you know how in the back of the newspaper taking his pants version he has a horny version it's a horny version of anything as a horn you know and you know how in the back of the newspaper there's
like the horny version of everything that was in the other parts of the horny sports yeah like
horny movie review basket balls sack right yeah probably yeah the war in ukraine yeah the horny
war yeah yeah yeah they just need to not. Both sides probably.
They could get over whatever
misunderstanding.
Everyone could just not at the same time.
Literally
if Putin ever had post-nut
clarity, this would be
a darn conflict.
It's because he does
no fap.
That's why he acts the way that he does
yeah which is not to say that you can't go too far the other way nutting all the time
marty hey man hey brother when he was saying ice before it's because he needed some ice yeah my dang balls were too empty yeah oh good god hey hey
drain those fuckers jesus no this is what kevin does you know what i mean yeah he's the idea of
a horny version and this was a pg conversation we're ripping it and we have an energy here that
i don't think we've had since we first were talking about the turkey and the hamburger it's back waves we ride these waves start recording have we recorded yet going yeah this is good okay here
comes and we could do something like martin enders gotham batman sort of taking a just a hands-off
approach to that doesn't really know not really my role not totally my jurisdiction yeah he's kind of yeah it's really good it's
really good yeah yeah no i do a good batman so wait we're we're john were you proposing earlier
that um you and sean link up and do start doing stuff together you were looking at haze i thought
i take it back for either but just me is like the you know
the person who handled the shows are in my name like so that okay you know what i mean but i it's
all it's like we do the this stuff together i'm here but i'm also on a leash and that and it helps
me because um i think like level of responsibility of like giving your ID to someone and all of that is a little bit outside of the scope of what I can provide.
Just because I washed it.
Your ID?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
A little condescending.
Well, that brought it back.
That solved his problem.
You're sorry. Why are you mad at me government uh been sorry oh okay yeah here's a new id not how it works
not how it works actually okay and mine is my i still have my id it's not washed and i can
deliver it i hold it between two fingers like Gambit
and I can just like
goes right
nice into the wall
now you see me yeah
yes I can
yeah
now you three
yeah
four work
for you see me do you guys want a hat
you guys want a hat
no thank you
you got more questions
well let them say
I'm good
I haven't had a single question
I'll take a hat
Jesus Christ
Ben wants a hat
great good trying to
mend things between me and the hosts here i don't know
that's cool man it's cool kevin you want to talk about how you got looped in on the email where
these guys got booked on a different podcast and you had to just kind of watch as their schedule
got filled up by their apps and they refused to just kind of watch as their schedule got filled up by their reps
and they refused to engage with us in any way.
Kevin basically
became...
He was like, well, I know when and where
they're doing tiny meat game.
I've been
unable to get
a single response to my
request.
And Gmail applied a label to the email that just said cucked.
I did ask to be taken off and they said so sorry and then continue to keep me on and confirm it and lock everything.
So sorry, you little piggy.
You like that?
This is the first podcast we've ever done is that true
yeah yeah god what a bad start scary first and last not worth it jk i'm uh i should say
we're huge fans of you we are can we cut the shit for let's start let's should we start now you guys are so funny man hey man forget it what you know we don't talk about that on the show
you're interesting you're smart and you're handsome i'm saying less audio more video guys
yeah where's the video guys let's let's amp up those numbs can we amp up those numbs please what would your job be in gotham
so we talk about please officer sorry police officer yeah i mean just getting fucking owned
by batman all day working with batman you fucking idiot no batman shows oh yeah yeah you cannot work with commissioner
gordon if you were that's good at your job making me laugh oh is that what you said that you'd be
the police commissioner i thought you said be police officer i'm not gonna you're the person
you're the person who commissioner gordon goes we need the room i gotta talk to batman because
you don't fucking deliver so like can you step out of the
bank vault while we figure out what the actual plan of attack is for catching these psychopaths
who you're allowing to run amok in the city my i think you would be a police officer
my love would be spider-man that's not even that's not even all right so this is just a fuck around
what would your job be in gotham spider-man
okay i'm not even gonna my job would be spider that's a really great answer i mean
i didn't even think of that like what we're setting up here that I'm really excited for
is what I've come to think of as an epic Martin moment.
Right?
Yeah.
This is the low before.
It's the perfect little setup.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
It's the fucking pressure under the champagne cork.
College boy said right up front, me, me, teacher.
Yeah. At around 15 minutes of silence silence that's when you start thinking uh-oh it's gone and then a little funky little left field thing buying
some time yeah and the fuse is getting closer and closer to the martin dynamite keg and i'm just sitting here waiting with gold under my ass oh
i'm just i'm just ready to say usps
oh let's go let's fucking go
when do i grace them with the ultimate fucking denouement?
That's so cool, guys.
I don't think I want this hat.
Don't want the hat?
What is it?
Is that one for kids?
It looks small.
Can I see it?
What's the issue with the hat?
What are you upset about?
Or what can we do better
it's okay we really want your generation to engage with the hat that's really important to us
we can maybe put an ipad in it okay with some games
if you can't i want to say performance wise it's making you look like very engaged you know what i mean yeah thank you look no you're listening better with that hat on than
you have the entire time get those eyebrows up make sure to get them up. We can talk about...
Get them higher.
Try to get them higher if you can.
That's alright.
What were you guys asking about?
I mean, the iPad logistics, I guess, would be like,
Kevin's GF makes the hats, and so, like, wear...
Congrats, Kevin! You got a GF? the hats. And so like, where? Congrats.
Kevin.
What are you so horny?
Little fucker.
My fiance does too.
Oh,
yeah.
Oh my God.
Making a lot of hats at chef Kevin's palace.
Oh,
right.
Kevin,
this guy,
fiance hat.
And so like the iPad is like on the on the bill like where where we think like where did like your generation like to have ipad time well martin's actually the youngest one in the group
so maybe this is more up his alley. We're actually a cross-generational
schedule. You guys are allowed to have it in the
car. Where do you guys
get to do that?
Get to do what? 20 minutes before dinner.
Get to have iPad time. Okay.
Before dinner.
Okay. Seems like no incentive to eat
your dinner at that point.
Take it up with the parents, bud.
Yeah. Okay. Alright. I'm also curious, who's in charge in the tub? eat your dinner at that point but because they get up with the parents yeah okay all right i'm
also curious who's like who's in charge in the tub oh i mean i know you're first yeah who's sort
of district i know no one's like the the boss or whatever but like someone is in charge somebody's
got to set the tone and it's just a question of like oh well so like when you're
distributing the little bath pills that turn into like sponge animals
like who who gets to pick like which colors john's dad john's dad yeah okay my dad
mr college mr college john college college boy ass My dad. Mr. College. Mr. College.
John College Boy Ass.
But yeah, my dad picks... Oh, yeah, he does a lot.
Okay.
He does a lot of stuff?
Yeah.
What else does your dad do?
This is now getting actually very interesting.
No, let me just put it this way.
Your eye.
Are you allergic to the hat?
I just want to point out you just touched his shoes.
You've just been rubbing your eyes.
It's fine.
If you're trying to give yourself pink eye and end the show.
I'm not.
I'm getting just...
How would you feel if
on your birthday
your dad wasn't there, but
he's playing charades with Cardi B?
He's supposed to play charades with you.
Every Christmas.
Go downstairs. Watch it again. I watched what's up with that on christmas 70 times in a row what's the third beat you watch his shit yeah and
it's fucking a lot yeah but i know at the end of the day hanging out with Marlon
and Bean
we're gonna be okay
you made your own family
I don't need him
we love you man
so the show's at the Wiltern
it's gonna be
Decemberists
based comedy
is this right?
Is this accurate?
Here's a premise.
I don't know if you've probably done this already.
No Nut Novemberists?
It was
their concept
before they moved on to the Decemberistscember and so then what does that suggest about
the december yeah right they're blasting off load it's like so fucking big yes yeah
saved it up so messy like that's what that means an advent calendar but instead of
pieces of chocolate yeah they're busting loads so it's just like that pieces are
dropping there or is it just like is there cum in that yeah you just open the little door and
well it's a little piece of pornography Pornography. Each store has a tiny
piece of fat material.
Yeah.
Something to
induce
the session.
Gradually coming out of No Nut November,
you can't have a big piece of porno.
No.
You might die.
You could die.
Just a little piece yeah two tits
that's normal for me that's like a normal for you that's just a tiny number
that's yeah i need it that's really two that's it i heard this about sml but damn
dude i thought all that stuff ended in the 70s
sounds like it's still pretty wild in that studio man have you done 30 rock hard huh have you done
cocaine oh yeah yeah no i fucking i'm still sweating it out man
that's amazing i knew i liked you breakfast lunch and fucking dinner dog
you guys have a weird thing i love the way it makes me feel it's so good i mean it makes you
want more cocaine is the problem because you know you yeah you either run
out or uh or you run out but um yeah it feels incredible no i do too i can't even go to bed
yeah i'm never i'm when i do it i'm like not sleeping i go to bed no totally i'm running around when i do it i get into bed and i go not gonna happen getting back up
let's change the cd
you're like oh i got my book yeah i flip through are you jimmy ray
who wants to know who wants to you know what i mean i'm just like
Who wants to know?
Who wants to know?
You know what I mean?
I'm just like fucking bouncing, you know?
Go try to find my dog.
Missing?
Dog's gone.
Dog's gone, but that's cocaine, right?
You know, it's not perfect.
It's not perfect.
Not a perfect system, but it's a damn damn good one and I challenge you to do better
yeah
and I challenge you to find a better one
we are
wrapping up here
it's getting close to the end
so we've
sold some tickets
one didn't gotta go
can we do something because it's our first time
in this studio let's do it can you guys go in the other studio and we can just see how soundproof
it is case we work really hard but i just want to know in case anybody wants to record over there
because hayes and i are gonna hang out here and just kind of do a post on this thing and that
could even be like an epic martin moment like what he says well if it does bleed through
you know yeah i might need like 15 minutes to think of something though
can you imagine how electric this conversation would have been if it was just you guys and me
well you had the head gum uh company yeah especially if we have been able to give you what you what you
really needed which is that like we ask a question we all go our separate ways for 15 to 20 minutes
yeah and then we get back together and you drop it on us usps definitely and then we fucking go
we're out yeah ice definitely a couple of them i'd have to come back and be like, I don't, yeah, I got nothing. Yeah.
Tall penguin. Yeah.
Think about it.
I don't want to do that.
You don't want to do it?
I don't give a shit.
Bye.
You know how Stern has a wrap-up show?
We said bye!
Hollywood Handbook.
That was a Hate Gum podcast.