Hollywood Handbook - Sarah Sherman, Our Close Friend

Episode Date: October 10, 2023

The Boys help SARAH SHERMAN make her comedy normal.  Check out the Hat Pack merch here!Watch the video of today’s episode at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes. Like the show? Rate Hollywood Handbook 5-Stars on Apple PodcastsAdvertise on Hollywood Handbook via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. and know where I am and feel my context. You can hear it a little bit, no? Oh, crap. You got the bottle open? Kevin, sing the theme song. Yeah, we had a whole... So for people, obviously, before we record, there's a little bit of talking. Sarah put too much lotion on her hands. She could not open her water bottle.

She wanted me to do it. I said no. She wanted Hayes to do it. He also did not want to touch the bottle. I don't want to touch it. And then something, I don't know if she wiped her hands on her clothes or what, but the bottle's open and congrats and welcome to the show. In person for the first time, Sir Squirm.

Say that with conviction. Sir Squirm. i needed a big strong man to open my bottle yes i guess there weren't any in the room huh i suppose not actually i captured a spider last week the thing but like you know let's talk about it early just like don't do you can like talk about nasty stuff but like don't do don't like be gross don't be like so you can talk about gross stuff the shows don't have stuff on your hands yeah don't like you put your figure in your ear like right after we started i can't hear you hey can't hear you in my ear i guess theme song well maybe it's because of all these bugs and you start pulling bugs out of your ear. This is like what you do. This is like my idea of what you do.

Today is Monday morning, 10 a.m. I'm unveiling my new personality. Sarah Normal. Sarah Normal. This I could get behind. This actually is more my

speed. I'm a normal guy because the nasty stuff it's very new york it's very like the table at the coral tree it's the comedy everyone gets together and build in new york we're picking their only the most extreme boogery stuff you and jim norton eating your boogers like i get. I understand that's what you do over there. And you guys know, oh, crap, the subway is so freaking crazy in New York. You know, people always talking about that. Rats.

It's you. Oh, my gosh. There's a rat driving the subway. Oh, crap. When people say I moved into my apartment in Bushwick and had a cockroach infestation, they're saying, oh, it was Sarah lining the wall. You're talking about you.

Yeah, you were in the wall. You took your shoe off at the wall. I took my shoe off? Yeah. All these cockroaches came out of your shoe. You ever stepped on a cockroach? No. Can you guys let me

sip my water? Can you guys let me sip my water? You know how hard I strode. It's filling up so high to the top. Maybe that's why it was hard to open. Well, this is Sarah Normal. That's the new thing. She's very hydrated.

Sarah Normal drinks water. Out of a? She's very hydrated. Sarah Normal drinks water. Out of a? Say it. Bottle. Nalgene. Nalgene. Kind of a normal kind of, you know what I'm saying? Nalgene.

Normal Al-gene. The alter ego of Simpsons showrunner Al-gene. Welcome. Sarah's back Al Jean. Welcome. Sarah's back in LA. So you're here and you're here to do shows. She put her mouth all the way around, but. And the show's insane. The show's fucked up, right?

Yeah. And why? fucked up right yeah and um why because everybody people are sheeple and they're walking around their life going like you know they're programmed by society to think a certain way and i'm waking them up i go wake up look around you actually things aren't as so simple and normal as you think they are actually they're pretty messed up they're pretty crapped up so look at all this crazy gross stuff and think about that

for a change I think you know okay that's a noble intention I don't know that showing boogers and the inside of someone's butt or whatever is like necessarily doing what you claim it does. I think it actually is making people go closer to being asleep again because they're closing their eyes to say, I don't want to see that. And I think what we could do now, because you do have more shows on your tour,

is we could possibly craft a new special that would do what you want to do. This could happen at any time. Lauren's got one of those leashes with a little button on it. Any time. He could retract the leash. The little double tap he makes the noise to associate the tugging of the leash for you and he will do it during a show

and he like that's like he knows exactly and nothing I've shown on screen on this tour would have triggered that I mean I'm showing some stuff that would get me kind of we got this screen there's coming out of a butt yeah write that down okay out take out a piece of

paper and pen and write that down it's writing with a. Because he's a raver. He spelled boogers with one O. Boogers out of... Boogers. That says boogers. Boogers out of a butt. With three T's. It says boogers my butt. It's not your butt. No.

Kevin, I mean, I guess it could be she needs a new butt. You know what? I've done every body fluid, but I haven't done, in all sincerity, haven't done boogers because I'm like, that's baby crap. But you've done baby crap. Yeah, the one that's... Is it true that baby crap is white? What am I thinking of?

Well, there's different colors that you're dealing with. What are you thinking of? What are you thinking of? You're thinking of insane things to say to shock me. That's what you're always thinking of. And you thinking of? What are you thinking of? You're thinking of insane things to say to shock me. That's what you're always thinking of. And you know what? I'm not going to take the bait this time. Here's the deal.

I go to see a live show. I don't want boogers coming out of a butt on a screen. I'm here to see a human being. You know what I mean? I'm here for something primal, an interaction with a live person. So let's lose the screen and let's actually connect with the audience. Yeah. Okay.

How about this? Dating's kind of weird. Yeah, it is fucking strange. You know what I mean? Like really think about that dynamic. Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life with you or maybe I'll just have a bad conversation. The stakes are unbelievably high. And yet we all enter again and again

into this contract with the other person, right? To sort of feel each other out, circle one another, eat in front of each other. That alone is weird. I'm eating in front of you. I'm making, here, this will help you. I'm making poop. That's having dinner on a date. I'm making in front of you. I'm here. This will help you. I'm making poop.

That's having dinner on a date. I'm making poop right now. That's what we're doing. Okay. Oh, hang on. Let me sniff this bottle of wine so I can make heat. Like that's the job of the day. And like, this is a way that you can take your perspective which is stuff is gross everything comes out of people and actually connect it to like humanity and what we're doing

because we're dating i'm dating again that's new that's strange have you seen some of these dates people go on went on an axe throwing date the other day these places oh yeah i'm not sure that's a good sign and you're entering this social contract right yes you're making poop you're making pee and the whole time you're deliberating whether it's like verbally or kind of in the mind am i going to be making sex with this person later i mean what's grosser than that folks okay tell me if this is true no go ahead i want to workshop the language that was not working for me something about the part like the whole time you're debating whether it's verbally or kind of in the mind i did i got a little lost verbally debating them i was really i was rocking with what like what was happening

over here like i was fucking with that and it was resonating with me but like this once it got into the part about whether you're debating verbally or kind of in the mind. Kind of in the mind. I think let's lose kind of, let's be strong in our convictions of like how we're debating it. And let's also, I think, lose verbally from this. Yeah. I think we can just be debating in the mind. I want to get there. I want to get to the idea.

I'm not sure what it was. Tell me if this is true for chicks. Yeah. Because I've heard this about chicks instant they decide uh this guy's getting some or uh no bueno that they just know and then the rest of the date like the dude's got no idea. He's talking about what? Crypto. His fantasy football team. Right.

Ladies, picture it. You're at the axe throwing bar. You know what I'm talking about? Yes, yes, yes. And you see the guy pull up into the parking lot with a damn Prius. You go, ladies, this guy's got a little one. You know what I'm talking about and you can for that one for me it was the use of ladies again

the second use of ladies because it's your internal monologue right right so there yeah yeah that's fine that works look to camera ladies no you're not saying ladies there again because like you're you say ladies it makes sense but for the your character's internal monologue saying ladies again right like you're not that's you're not supposed to be addressing the ladies there okay well can i try. He pulls into the parking lot. Yes. In the damn Prius. In the damn Prius. Yes.

Record scratch. Skirt. Look to camera. I know you're wondering how I got here. That was good. I could tell you really wanted to say ladies at the beginning. Yeah. No.

The restraint you showed. Not that I liked what you did say. Visibly self editing. But it's such great progress to not say ladies in that moment. Like, this is like, it's the effort that's appreciated, you know, because we do get people who come on the show and they don't listen and they do keep saying ladies, you know, or the equivalent. When Hayes has clearly said, you're fucked up. There's a time for it, know oh gosh but it's not and not to be crass i want a yes and you guys seriously i do yeah no you know you know and i

might be on tv so what yeah so who why do you think you're on tv oh are you getting ready to say who gives a crap who gives a crap if i on TV? I'm willing to yes and you guys. Even though you're on TV, you will debase yourself and cheapen yourself to the point where you can actually yes and to complete fucking loser plebs who aren't on TV. I mean, you called us gen pop you said when you walked you know here's the gen pop i said oh a couple common folk couple civilians yeah uh this is kind of like a tv show video podcast and you know it yeah no we're on screen we're on screen we're not on tv but we're on screen ladies skirt record scratch you know when you walk into the podcast also i want to go back to skirt yeah as well people use

that as a sound effect but usually not for like like a record scratch and if you say it right after lady what yeah um it just makes me think that you're talking about a skirt. It sounds like the ladies are going skirt, skirt. And before the cameras and the microphone was rolling, you guys did refer to women as a couple of skirts. Before the cameras and the microphone were rolling. Yeah. You said was rolling.

We referred to women as a couple of skirts. Even cameras alone. That's apocryphal um that's apocryphal skirts you know you know that freaking feeling when you walk in to do a podcast and there's damn cameras rolling and you said good thing i put on eyeliner today my god yes yes yes i thought i was about to do an audio medium but hell there's there's three cameras did kevin not tell you about the camera you think i'm reading an email to save my damn life this has happened a lot to kevin people are surprised about the cameras and he goes it was in the email and then they say i didn't read the email and it's happened often enough

that I'm wondering if there's something else we need to do. What is your cool email avatar? It's you, but it's a drawing. It's me with a vampire cape. Who drew that? Someone.

Kevin told me that he wanted a vampire cartoon of himself because he loved the walking dead which was like i don't which fine like i'm not into any of that shit like i don't care but from the little i know i'm like it doesn't seem connected am i wrong he and so you hear him say like oh someone and like he wants this is his other gf like he and his ass just got caught i hope nobody asked me about this cartoon you could do a crazy stand-up set about this. Fellas, you know when you have your other GF and she's drawing anime of you and crap like that? Oh, yeah. One per person. What are we at?

The deli? Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Why do I have so many sperm? So I could just unload it into one pine box? I have 20 many sperm so I could just unload it into one pine box? I have 20 sperm. Yeah. I've got a sperm count is 20.

So he's like, yeah, let me see. I'll just use one spoon for the entire rest of my life. One fork, one cup to drink from. That won't make me incredibly sick. And then I wonder if who you make sex with is a little more

important even than a fork and spoon if that's an even bigger decision and maybe we don't want to lock ourselves into just one because that also would create a new kind of sickness blue balls a real medical condition fellas don't you don't you freaking hate it when you like have to wear a diaper all the time because you're damn you're damn cream in your pants so much walking around la seeing all these skirts walking around yeah so you have to basically wear a diaper yeah considering how much you're cream cheesing your pants seeing all these skirts walking around los angeles that there i think you really have something yes yes we don't talk about this no and we don't and i think you could even go into some of what some of these bras are wearing i mean i mean the outfits are like okay so you want me to cream cheese my pants your words

and people like and and then the skirts are making fun of you for having a big bunched up diaper like what honey so you want me to not wear a diaper you caused it yes the diapers for you yes these damn tube tops all these skirts are walking around. Yes. You can toggle back and forth. Well, so this is interesting, right? So here's the microphone you have where you're talking and you're going like, these damn skirts or whatever.

Then you get on the other microphone and you go, ladies, you know when you meet a guy at the axe throwing contest and he's got a big bunched up diaper? you meet a guy at the axe throwing contest and he's got a big bunched up diaper like and you think it's a bulge and you think he's rocking with a tree trunk down there during that it's just a damn baby's diaper he goes up to remove one of the axes and someone throws one lands it straight on the diaper and it just safely wedges it there the diaper is so thick and bunched up to account for all the cream cheese that's happening throughout the day. The man doesn't even notice. He just had an ax fully plunged into his diaper.

Bulging out of his Bill Bass khakis. Ladies, ladies, don't you hate when you go on a date with a freaking guy to an escape room and you're trapped in there you can't find the keys and he's damn filling up his diaper yeah but you can't get out of the room yeah the final door opens okay great time to leave the room oops the enormous diaper is wedged into the door oh and hold on i have to hold the almost got it sign in the picture at the end i got a line for you which is uh i'm looking for the keys not the cream cheese you scream that part but you're going back and forth between these two different mics to change perspectives and now we're now we don't need a screen we've got two mics and we're reflecting

all of humanity and i think there's room for more characters, Sarah. Sarah Normal Sherman in Netflix Presents Two Mics. Just fucking rolls off tongue, really. Sarah Normal Sherman in Netflix Presents Two Mics. And I'm on strike. So I don't mean to say Netflix in a promotional way. Are you on strike? Do you have to do it too?

Are you on strike as well? I said, hell, I'll throw my hat in the ring. Sure. Yeah. Because what you do to me doesn't seem like it should fall under the union jurisdiction. And I shouldn't get health insurance for what I do. I shouldn't. If you just asked, or even if you... And I shouldn't get health insurance for what I do. I shouldn't. If you just like, yeah, just asked.

Or even if you didn't ask. It doesn't seem like you want health insurance. You want like all like gross stuff happening to bodies. Like it just doesn't feel like something you'd be interested in. And in all seriousness, I have actually used my health insurance for this show that I'm doing. Because let's just say, I don't want to spoil anything. Let's just say a doctor put a camera somewhere. Yes, you do.

And let's just say, I then asked if I could have the footage from the camera. And let's just say they gave me a USB drive with that shit so fucking fast, it would make your head fucking spin. And I'm sorry to drop crazy vulgarities at this nine in the morning no it's okay to be crass it's not nine in the morning your fake watch should be on your left wrist

am I married? to time? yeah the old ball and chain time y'all like my wedding ring? how is that? it's really comfy. Yeah.

It's new. It's new. I just forgot I had it on there today, but yeah. It looks so comfy. It's a really comfy ring. It's a motion sickness ring. Yeah, it was just comfort. Well, and you can use it to put your hair up if you want as well.

Are you saying that because I'm a skirt? I'm saying because it should probably just be up. Something. Let's try something. Let's not just give up. Do you guys see how long my rat tail is getting? Huh? Huh?

Wow. Huh? Looks a bit dry, doesn't it? We're getting there. It's cracklingling you'll fit right in in new york i'll tell you what all the fucking rats driving the buses and stuff it's a rat you know what i mean pizza rat pizza rat cockroach bagel the strike rat which i guess applies to you although that doesn't feel right to me it just doesn't seem like what you do has anything to do with what i'll say scabby the rat he looks awesome

you see his stomach oh my god talk about he's good oh yeah real good no he is wait why are we talking about sarah's brain you see this stomach it has like all the scabby the rat uh-huh he's got like he's like sores and scabs and leaky right but why but why are we why you said talk about sarah squirm talk about sarah squirm that's the really that's like you're so in love with your own brand that we want to use anything grotesque at all you're saying you say it talk about you should want someone else to say it i guess i'm always seeing something on the ground and being like well that's serving sarah squirm realness and then i look around to know why okay sarah squirm coded much and then i turn around and i go am i right ladies for me it's the way the the rats have basically become hermit crabs and the men's diapers that are discarded on

the street and as they get larger and larger they find bigger and bigger diapers to use as a shell yeah they graduate from one diaper shell to the next they just need one that has more and the diapers cheese they're you the diapers are used and so they are effectively like very hard protective shell for for the rats yeah well this is something you said you wanted to talk about that um semen hardens and becomes like a crust inside the diaper uh this is like these were we were sent a handful of topics that you wanted to cover on the episode and how it becomes basically papier-mâché yes no way has anyone ever pronounced it like it's it's french it's like a french word yeah papier-mâché paper mache sorry i'll i'll round it your way let me get it let me get it down to sarah squirm style

it's like it's poppy it's poppy it's poppy it's a It's an artistic medium developed initially in France. I thought you would know because you're all into like puppets and crafts and like making this. It's like you have worked, I'm certain, with papier-mâché. It's like, what are we doing here? Like, why are you pretending that you don't know what we're saying? Speak English much? Who are you pretending that you don't know what we're saying? Erm, speak English much? Who are some of your favorite? This is the legacy that you've

sort of inherited, whether we like it or not. Who are some of your favorite sculptors? My favorite sculptors? Yeah. Cause, I guess. You love cause? It's like your whole fucking thing.

Yeah, I guess that mouse is pretty funny the first time. When I'm walking down the fucking street, which, by the way, people don't really do in Los Angeles, put their hooves to the pavement. Yeah. When I'm walking down the street in Los Angeles and I just fucking see a mural of a monkey with headphones

on and paint splatter on the side of a sweet green that that is what speaks to me artistically and i know you guys asked for sculpture okay so you do know that okay all right well that eliminates my question which is did you hear a fucking word Hayes said when he asked you for your favorite? It's like, yes, I like that too. That's us. We're all basically. Marshall Duchamp.

Yeah. Marshall Duchamp. Marshall Duchamp. Marshall Duchamp with two shoes. He put a fucking urinal on a pedestal in a museum. And he said, you ever think that maybe that could be a sculpture for once? Yeah. If you just look around you and you see the abject grotesquery of life around us and think, well, hell, maybe that's art.

Maybe I'll write my freaking name on it and say that's. But I like that because like isn't because isn't life gross enough? Because isn't life gross enough? Isn't it grotesque enough without Sarah Squirm going out and collecting footage of booger butt canals? Like, don't we have it? We have that already. What we need is more beauty, more kindness. But that sculpture in a way. what if you just went on stage and were kind yeah like think about that as a show yeah like go like hey you in the front row where are you from

indianapolis that sounds like a nice place to be from congratulations i hope you and your family are well you're beautiful if no one's told you yet today you're beautiful and you matter so but you're i don't know if you're doing this on purpose but like he doesn't have a family like he's at your show so he's from indianapolis he came to your show like he's this this is not a person with a family there's a person who is adrift this man has no family right and so then he says something like i actually don't have a family and then i said well look to your left and look to your right there's nobody here we're your family now yeah it's just me that's how you could hear me so clearly when i speak in a normal tone of voice

well in turn and swivel all the way around there's a sound guy there hey if there's no one there at least there's a sound guy and hell maybe a spot up a sound guy that's interesting yeah i found that interesting actually i caught that as well. Yeah. I think women can do sound. Sound human. That's my opinion. I'm sorry, say that again? I think women can do sound. That's my opinion.

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and the home because we as a country have lost sight I mean my god look what women are doing now Sarah Squirm getting out there being fucking disgusting not knowing how to make a damn sandwich you put me in the kitchen and say hey I like that yeah that. Again, but that's your example. It's just like, okay, talk about Sarah Squirm.

Look at what Sarah Squirm's doing. Like, I like that you're embracing this two mics idea where sometimes you're on a mic just talking about yourself and then sometimes I guess you are yourself. There must be another example. I guess it's that we only have one mic so when it shifts to me it's imperceptible fellas don't you hate when your lady makes you a damn sandwich in the kitchen and it's so fucking disgusting and made out of so much expired food

that you're glad you're wearing your diaper for for a different reason besides cream cheesing you got you got damn diarrhea blowing out your back hole. Now here I feel like we could have said fellas more. I know it goes against the ladies, but I feel like we could have brought the fellas in again. Just this sort of reset and go like, this is for you. Like I'm catering to this one group.

Like it just feels, it's like hearing your name, you know, that like old Dale dale carnegie uh tactic right the sweetest sound in the world to someone else's their own name or the word fellas and we can talk about i don't think we have to disparage the ladies to talk about what the fellows are are going through like some of the unique obstacles that we face having to take our diapers all the way off

to go pee pee in the bathroom. Just leave it on the floor because we have to hold it with both hands. Of course, hold our shirt under our chin. Yeah, or bite down on our shirt. Pull it all the way up into our mouth, bunch it up, bite down on it, and then try not to choke

when we accidentally swallow part of our T-shirt. Just to go to the art museum see a urinal immediately have to go pee pee in the bathroom have to take our diapers all the way off at the museum fellas when when you go to the museum and you pee pee your diaper so hard that you gotta go to the bathroom and wring it out bring your diaper out like a ShamWow into the toilet so you can then reuse the diaper. Because you obviously can't bring more than one diaper. They're so big. Barely handleable when you've got on.

Now, what are you guys writing in that notebook? Just poems and stuff. Just like freeform, just like wild ass poetry. Stuff that a lot of times I dream in words. Like it's literally just images of words coming to me. And I wake up and I drive down the head, go as fast as I can and I grab the notebook and I just start like, yeah.

Then we leave them here. Transcribing it. Supposedly they're not touching them. But like, of course, then Amanda Gorman does that poem. I'm like, okay, that was my exact poem. That was so suspicious to me. It's a pretty big quiz system. That is the exact poem that I wrote. Okay okay i'm sitting here watching it like okay just checking off the boxes of like covered this

covered this said this about yes america being a bird yes i was doing i was doing all of this yes like it was okay go off tough tough morning just because everyone was liking it and i was like you're liking my thing but of course if i say that now like i'm like right and sean wrote the same poem too yeah i wrote the same damn one but that makes sense we're together all day we're having the same experiences like yes we're gonna write the same proverbs like because you guys have mind link we're just doing the same shit like that's not what we call it but are you guys synesthetic uh very synesthetic extremely yes yes yes because you're like you're seeing in colors and you're smelling in numbers yeah doing math doing math with my honking beezer

yep i've been laughing so hard this entire time i'm profusely sweating and i don't know what the link is there but i'm laughing i can tell you uh beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is completely unrelated yeah there's no it is you having physiological connection physical issue yeah and then also at the same time we're being funny like there's two things because like yeah like yes people come in here and like lose their entire shit like that's what that's what that is what we do every damn day. No one else has ever gotten sweaty from that. This has never happened before. No one's talked about sweating. I haven't been able to see their sweat.

You're covered in sweat. Yes, except your rat tail, which is still somehow. Bone dry. Big hunks of it are snapping off. I can hear the crunch of the rat tail from here. And I don't own a comb. Just one big ass split end. It is.

Get some fucking cream rinse. Get thee to a cream rinse store. That's where I need to take my diaper. No, it's true. Yeah. A cream rinse? Yeah. What could you be referring to? we don't use cream rinse okay well that actually explains a lot ladies you know when a date's going well

when afterwards he takes you back to his place and gives you the cream rinse of your life and crap fellas you know what I'm talking about when you can't just have one ball and chain because don't you wish you could be polyamorous around the whole city and be giving cream rinses to all number of skirts in town? Oh, yes. I see. And fellas, don't you have like a crazy madonna whore complex where well i can't be giving cream rinses to my wife because i i can't be

vulgarizing my wife in this way because of my my madonna whore complex you know what i'm talking about so i like to think of other stuff it's kind of you know what I'm talking about. So I like to think of other stuff. It's kind of dissecting. While you're talking. And I was thinking Kevin on the couch, like Titanic.

And his other GF. He's got his shirt off and he's got his big yabos out. And his other GF is drawing him as a little vampire cartoon vampire and he's saying a cape he's saying poppy a mishami like one of your french girls poppy a moshy a me like one of your french one of your friends yeah that makes sense that's really close it's from it's from france thinking about the poems again now it's just stuck in my head you're yawning because you're

bored that wasn't that's not a yawn like a big breath just to like kind of reset just something just have to try something because i'm just like dealing with the reality of like whatever else happens in this show, I'm going to need to do it. And so I'm going to need my strength. And so let me get some more oxygen and just reset and like start making the show again. Part of the reset, you take a big piece off the microphone.

See if this works. That wasn't bad that do you want to pull yours off oh this is cool they have like the news people have this on their microphones as well awesome observation so for people who are just enjoying the audio version uh sar Sarah Squirm took the little head gum cube off the bottom of the microphone and said the news people have this on their microphones as well. I don't know what she meant. And I don't need to know.

The cube always says like Channel 7 News on the cube. Live from Channel 7 News. Yeah, News Cube. So thank god you guys have a video podcast for moments like that it builds out the dimensionality of the hollywood handbook experience oh it's a hollywood handbook it's a notebook so i do want to talk about we have these hats yeah uh you are wearing a hat and it has the mesh part like ours does yes can we get you yes to start wearing a different kind of hat yeah you can make it crazy and fucked up like you can put like because we're trying to like you do like so that it's your thing but we do need you to wear don't cover up the logo obviously because

we need you to wear this hat and join the hat pack. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. What I'm actually pitching, you don't have to talk about this. I just don't, I want her to either like wear a different kind of hat or just not wear a hat. Right. Oh, yeah.

I don't want her to be wearing our hat. You want her to wear the style that we have. You can't see, I'm on the same couch as her. Right. You know the mesh, the holes in the mesh? Yeah. Grease is kind of being extruded through them like a Play-Doh spaghetti maker machine. Oh, okay.

It's basically like she's growing new hair. And if that happens through our hat, people will think that the hat's a mess. It's very congealed and it's darker than her actual hair. It's like a meat grinder happening on the back of my head. Yeah. It's coming out spaghetti maker machine i think it's a pretty similar it's pretty it looks a lot like the meat grinder i'll say this maybe i should take this hat off because you ever see the hydraulic press videos where there's little holes in the top of the press

so that like whenever they press a candle and the wax shoots out yeah looks like the plate looks like a meat grinder feel like we had it grinder or a plate of spaghetti make so my suggestion is i think sarah not wearing a hat right could be very because you want me to show my beautiful successful for the pro hat project and we've had to have these conversations like ego we gave her the hat and then she immediately went out there and posted that she had had a very serious headache yeah she said that she's had she said like love having a migraine for two days and the photo front and center is just her wearing the hat right which we were like thank you so much for posting the hat and for wearing it

and also um please don't make it seem like the hat is uh physically hurting people right because that's like not really gonna move product the way that you're saying you don't want me then wearing the hat posting a picture of the hat with sludge coming out of the hole. You can stop right there. We don't want you wearing the hat. Well, I'll say this

about this hat that I'm wearing right now for the listeners at home who aren't watching the video podcast moment. I am wearing a Von Dutch hat and I did put it on and many people

did say to me, oh, you know, there was just a documentary about Von Dutch being racist and anti-Semitic. Yeah. And you wrote Theo on the top so it says about Von Dutch being racist and anti-Semitic. And you wrote Theo on the top, so it says Theo Von Dutch.

I was curious about this. Kat Von D. Is she Kat Von Dutch? Is that what the D is for? I also wonder if removing the hat, the sludge would come out a little slower. Maybe it's almost like you have your thumb on a hose. Well, maybe you take the hat off, but then you put just like the handle of a bucket on top of your head and there's a bucket at the back of your neck that can collect all the sludge that comes out of your hair. And who am I thinking is Buckethead?

Oh, okay. Yeah. Who are you thinking is Buckethead? Could be anyone. Yeah. Yeah. Who are you thinking is Buckethead? Could be anyone. Yeah. Yeah. Beavis and Buckethead? Kat Von Do's tattoos are cool.

Yeah. Glad somebody liked it. That's her name. Kat Von Do's tattoos are cool. Kat Von Dose tattoos are cool. It is shocking to come into a room where everyone's wearing the same hat except for you. I will say that. Casey's not allowed to wear it.

Did you choose not to wear it or you're not allowed to wear it? Mine's at the dry cleaner right now. Oh my God, you wash your hat. Yeah, well, the hat pack hat. He doesn't wash it, he dry cleans it. That's the hat pack hat. He doesn't wash it, he dry cleans it. That's the whole idea is that he's not washing it.

By the way, dry cleaning doesn't clean anything. You know that. They just spray chemicals on it. Well, let me get Sherman's plan to the idea of dry cleaning. Just because they had your stuff back and say, we give up.

That doesn't mean that the process itself for most of society has not been working for a very long time. Just because they cry uncle when you bring in your shit. Just because they hang up a gone fishing sign in the window when you bring in your shit. Just because they hang up a gone fish in sign in the window when you pass by. Reveal a secret staircase under the counter, walk down, pull a trap door, close and you hear like nine different locks click shift. Just because every time

I come they say we've had a medical emergency, we've had a medical emergency. And just because every time i come they say we've had a medical emergency we've had a medical emergency and just because every time i come they light the whole place on fire for an insurance settlement who gives a crap and ladies don't you hate when in order to to bed with a man in this city you have to spray him with a bunch of chemicals first because he's so freaking disgusting so like all right so this came up obviously from the dry cleaning it's not obvious to me right but it was like it didn't happen i like the swing of the big transition right into into this stand-up routine but it's like you're dry cleaning the man

here's the thing look a comics mind is like a lawnmower okay you revved me up when I got in here only functions went open little pebbles shooting out I've just been this whole time you guys been talking i hear i hear charlie brown adults

and i'm just going fucking get back to the set the comics mind is like a lawnmower my dad hit a pet turtle with one a comic mind is like a lawnmower in that in that is helpful that is helpful to me in that it's in that it's let me clarify the comparison

here in which heretofore in which hereto four so to speak apropos allow me to illustrate the ways in which this statement i've just made is true and we must have one if i paint a picture in the mind's eye yeah a comic's mind is like a lawnmower in which heretofore it is attached to a shirtless man. So I painted a picture of Bert Kreischer. Shirtless man operating a lawnmower. Shirtless man operating the comic's mind.

The comic's mind. Bert Kreischer. And is he always not wearing a shirt? He's a party machine like it's like he's not like a lawnmower he's like a party machine right yeah um he's he's wearing a shirt in order to take the shirt off right Right. But it only exists like, it's like a sort of glitch. Like it's like you see it just so you can remember that like it was there as you're experiencing what you will ultimately kind of lock in as the image. Right. Which is.

The chest. The fucking barrel. You know what i mean like we talk about i mean we talk about bodies in this very limited way this man is delivering a barrel upstairs It's not easily erased once seen. And the implication to me of what he could do to me, it's not lost. What you can see makes you think about what you can't see. He could break you like a Kit Kat. Oh, buddy. He could. And I buddy. He could. And I just might let him.

Barrel upstairs, barrel downstairs. It's like, let's just say it. Let's just say it, man. Squirt Crusher. And they say, I'm just in la for a short time uh you know and this is a common

occurrence you're walking around la you're feeling self-conscious about your body you know because you don't have bbl you don't have a big barrel uh it's like if you knocked on that thing it would sound like you're trying to get it to like the castle keep yes who goes there yes from deep inside because it's like hard like it looks like hard and strong dude it looks insanely hard oh yeah it looks you could you could you could toss that down a bowling alley lane knock over a couple of pins get a strike that's my one oh

speaking of I'd like a table at one oak her Chrysler's torso yes the Chrysler's torso. Yes. The fucking Chrysler building. Matt, yes. Three holes in there like a bowling ball. Imagine. It feels so good. One in the belly button. Yeah. Two in the pinky.

One in the stinky. Throw a duck. Steve Wright. Steve Wright. That's me on the picket line. Stay right. And Adam Conover's saying, get off the picket line.

You're making us look bad. Because I'm going, stay right. Ted Sarandos is going. He's going. He's out of here. Is Adam Conover involved in this trip? Is he connected to it?

I saw a TikTok. I don't know if you saw this. But he was walking on the picket line doing a TikTok. And he's like, people ask me, what's the best way for people to help out during the strike? Please come over here and get Sarah Sherman away from me. Well, they said, right? Show the networks

what they're missing out on right now. Funny writers. Funny writing, joke writing. So I said, okay, can I have a Sharpie?

Can I have a blank picket sign? Let me write a joke. What'd you do? I wrote. What did you write on there? Oh oh god tell me what you wrote on there i can't oh it's like i don't want to hear what you wrote on there but now i have to what did you write on that sign what did you do and everything what did you do you want some jokes no governor governor

you want some jokes you're gonna have to pay these blokes and it's kind of like you know maybe evocative goodbye goodbye Hollywood Hamburg that was a hate gum podcast Mocking him. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hollywood Handbook. That was a HeadGum Podcast.