Hollywood Handbook - Try Month, Our Close Friends
Episode Date: March 22, 2022The Boys try to salvage Try Month with quantity over quality.Watch the video of this recording at Patreon.com/TheFlagrantOnes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Pr...ivacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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this is a head gum podcast
yeah so sorry i was a little frazzled at the beginning just like you know it's okay
we're all feeling it you know so you guys are aware obviously like
you know how i'm stuck in this like sick psychosexual game with my wife
yeah yeah so um and every and everybody kind of knows it's a
it's a cuck kink i mean it it is and we're a few weeks deep now um so she's
probably taken four or five lovers at this point and is pretty brazenly displaying her infidelities at the infinite cocktail parties we attend in the sort of local southern mansions of the neighborhood and you know i on the one hand i do find it frustrating
and i do get angry but there's a level at which the anger i feel and the things it makes me do
are now the only area of my life where i feel any passion yeah okay so you know it's it's a it's a double-edged blade and this
isn't this isn't about me obviously and i really don't want to make it about me i know i don't know
what to do when you come to me you're screaming yeah i know i just i try to keep a cool head
around my friends but i yeah but i you know i try to keep it
contained to okay really have two coping mechanisms one is screaming i will retreat
to my snail shed where i keep okay you know thousands of snails and um you know my wife
will have displayed her nude body before me and then pretty uh performatively denied me sex and then i'll just
go kind of stand in the dark and smirk at two of my pet snails making love but that doesn't totally
take care of it and doesn't totally justify them either i spent a lot of time with them i i feel
like i need to do something with them did Did you read that, neither here nor there,
but that Affleck was so good with the snails in Deepwater?
Oh, I haven't heard.
I haven't read.
Is that the new movie?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
I just heard that he's amazing.
We did a teaser freezer.
Amazing with the snails.
There's snails in it.
And he was amazing with them.
You had another coping mechanism well the
other one of course is that i do um murder the the lovers of my wife which i assumed was part
of what she wanted like she's trying to get me wound up she invites them over for dinner you
know i sit and have a somewhat cordial dinner with them while they sneak around and have sex in the crevices around my house while i'm you know reading bedtime stories to my child
so i didn't but she now seems she's pissed at me i'm in trouble for my her lovers and again i really
don't want to make this about me yeah sure don't we but i do need some guidance here please we've got we've gone back
and forth on this and this is like i understand this is a very uh difficult situation for you it
is it is it's been really trying for the past several weeks but that this was a planned arrangement that you
spent years and years just like laying the groundwork for just doing this and it seems
like every time you come to me i'm like isn't before it was complaining about how difficult
logistically this was to put together in a way that it could be executable
and now that it's happening to come over to dinner when they know they're yeah having sex with my
wife yeah all that like that that stuff has been the crevices just like getting the the like the
the house has to be laid out to have all these crevices and now i don't know i guess i just kind of thought once it had started
that my role would change of having to just like listen to
the screaming belly aching and yeah no no no no no you like a really really screaming really loud
and you were screaming before about how much the renovation was costing and how like all the spontaneity was gone any crevices like it was
such an open layout which you know is nice for entertaining but it's really not good for a
cuck kink which is is what i have in this sick psychosexual game with my wife so and so i'm sort
of like isn't he happy isn't this what he wanted but i guess not or like no i
yeah i and the answer is i don't know like i think the ennui that i feel that you know my um
tremendous wealth and success has led to a kind of boredom where uh i i guess i do want this drama. It's the place I can manufacture it.
But I don't like that famed Chicago and theater veteran,
Tracy Letts, is suspicious of me.
There was drama before is what's also confusing to me about this.
About the renovations?
Yeah, about the renovations and about just like the legalese and kind of like putting all this together.
You injected a huge amount
of drama into like every aspect so the idea in the snail shack i know was i i remember having a lot
because like getting the misters to operate properly and the getting the snails the kind
of snails that would rut just like would and would ooze all over my hands and i just put them on my fingertips
and like display them to people yeah yeah no i i see that i i've been something uh of a
selfish party in this dynamic and and so i don't mean to lay it on you i've just
i am in a six cycle game with my my wife. I have now committed multiple murders,
as she has committed multiple affairs.
I know that it's stressful on my friends.
I know it is.
And it's stressful, just her energy is too.
Every party we have, she commandeers all the attention
so that she can perform an obscure Italian song
that every guest somehow knows the chorus of,
and they all sing it together. we act like it's charming but i i can feel that some of
you guys are going like this is not how i wanted to spend the party yeah uh we can't talk about
this and like we we have to do the show we have to cut this whole thing we're already running behind
yeah and i don't want to be found out.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
And I know we're all a little bit frazzled.
And I actually left my I left.
I left one of the wallet of one of the victims in in the snail.
We can't we can't talk.
Just I know I'm just bringing it.
I'm only bringing it up because like, honestly, it didn't make any sense.
And I think I just felt like i have to do something with these
snails we uh and i imagine like we're a weird time for you to like start something like this
because tri-month has been such a disaster i think about it all the time we've had so we just
run back through it we had parquet courts we had tom and julian together for the
19th time yeah we had james austin johnson oh yeah and now we're in week four i want to say so
this is tri-month we used to have tony hawk john ham yeah sin bad weird al weird al three of those were in one this is only the
third time we've done trimoth yeah second time i think we had um we did podcasters promise so
we needed a win we needed this one to be a win yeah because podcasters promise i think everybody felt what we felt
which was that it it was a scam it was a scam it was a con uh and it went we were not really
unsuccessful the only reason it can't really be called that is because nobody ended up being
fooled no one profited in any way no one yeah no one i guess some people lost the time they
invested yeah um so the police would be like what what are your damages people want people did
pursue you know suing the show saying that they had uh you know built up a lot of tri-month they
gathered all their friends for tri-month and the the police and the lawyers just said what are your damages and the answer is like it's really just time and so this month
for tri-month guests i just want to say parquet courts and james austin johnson are things that
we would used to call guests yeah those used to be just what we would call guests that was just a guest you might get totally good high end a plus level guests
that's right just month guests month tom and julie being on the show that
we refer to as tuesday that's one we'd call Tuesday. That was, yeah, you're just kind of feeling around in the bottom of your
knapsack and you go like, do I have anything in here?
And it's like, well, Tom and Julie, which, and you're like, thank goodness.
I love them.
And I carry them with me everywhere.
Right?
Oh, they're in my knapsack.
I would have been starving if I hadn't had this.
But we need to pull this one out we got uh i
understand that kevin you a lot of this writing writing on this for you as well and uh so how
many guests do we have today nine nine great so what we've found just to put it in really simple terms we have not been able to achieve the quality of prior tri-months we would like to achieve a quantity
tonnage which has not been experienced before yeah and so are are we kind of like setting
the terms that like none of these people individually would be necessarily like tri-month level?
I think.
I think.
Well, it's fine.
We don't know who the guests are.
We'll find out.
Yeah.
We don't know who any of them are.
I appreciate that you dressed up, Kevin.
You look really nice.
Thanks.
Bath and shower today.
I noticed both.
And so we'll go through them we my
only thing is because we have nine guests we're already 11 minutes into the show yeah we gotta
dump these guys like really fast and i i'm guessing they all like they're most of the
thing yeah they're gonna like they like they're here for the entire show
so we just gotta kind of run
through the paces of it and then just
like boom send them on their way so you
Kevin if you can kind of keep track of time
have the button ready
kick them out because they won't always leave
when you want them to is the first guest
first one's here
I'll let them in into the zoom
they're just coming right in the zoom
they're joining the zoom now joining the zoom okay okay wow who do we have here n
m new mexico new mexico it's walter white it could be probably not though i think that would
probably be a tri-month episode all on its own you know who i think it is i think it's natalie that would
be really exciting i love natalie and again we do gotta like get the get through this really fast
really excited to have natalie but only for a few minutes uh and so natalie's phone if it is natalie
is connecting to audio right now which is perfect for us because we're primarily an audio show so when that thing
clicks in and if she can hear us rock if she can hear us i just want to say like we are already
recording we're doing this a little that we're jumping right in like a little uh it feels crazy
doesn't it yeah we're just like we normally take a little time to bring the next guest is here too i wonder
if we should just like uh scoot them up okay do we or not what do we want to dump whoever this is
well if you have some yeah if you have some different way to talk to nm's iphone uh maybe
you can let them know that we're gonna kind of shuffle stuff around and yes if they can connect to audio later that would rock for us just because
it is the greater aspect of the podcast the audio what here we go rapper nmn is here oh oh oh hello
oh yeah yeah it's natalie hi natalie hi guys how are the boys
how are the boys
we're pretty good you know I was I guess I was
complaining a little bit at the top of the show
before you got in that I am stuck
in a sick psychosexual
game with my wife
we can't talk
we don't
systematically murdering her
she brazenly displays her infidelities.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Natalie.
Yeah, marriage can be hard anyway.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Could you hear us at the beginning when we were saying we are recording already?
Like we're jumping right into it.
We've been doing it.
Yeah.
I did not hear you.
I did not hear you.
I don't know why is because I was on here on here for I would say a few minutes, maybe five
to ten minutes and you guys weren't
on the Zoom.
I was busy and I was doing other things
and I was on another page and then
I was like, let me check if they're there and then you were here.
What's your favorite page?
Yeah.
You know, like of all the pages, you mean?
Yeah. Page rank. Hashtag
page rank. Let's go.
Number one.
You don't have to say your favorite, but just rank some like.
I would say messages.
Messages high up there.
Wow.
Boom.
That's up there for me, too.
I would almost say the perfect page.
Yeah, because you get almost all the information you need.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Another good one is my email and stuff and uh and then my email
close there yeah i like wayfair you know wayfair i hear that they have been trafficking children
on that site and they ship them in your desk or whatever that's something listening to the wrong
people uh well i mean i mean, I wouldn't get defensive
about it, and I'm not saying any
judgment here or there. That's just what I've heard.
They traffic children. I'm not going to get
defensive either. I don't know that I listen to the wrong people.
I literally just listen to the four
most popular podcasts
in the world, and
so if that's the wrong
people, I guess I'm in
pretty generous company.
Hey, can I ask a question?
If those are the most popular podcasts in the world, where do you think yours ranks?
Like in if, you know, among the most popular podcasts in the world.
Post this episode or prior?
Let's do both.
I think because this is marking, I think, a new era for us.
Okay.
Us being the community of content creators.
Great.
I think before this, we would be, and I want to be modest.
I want to be realistic.
We would probably be, well, let me check what Vulture thinks.
Yeah.
Well, here we are in the top 10, you know.
Guys, I'm really sorry we really
gotta go we got a huge line
Natalie it's been an amazing show
it's so great having you Natalie
I had so many good stories set up for you guys
oh well I guess next time
you're already on email
a really fast one I guess
we can make one work sounds like she's leaving but
she's it was so nice to get to jump back into this game with you guys bye guys bye see you later guys
bye wow she keeps okay now she really is gone okay what what was the total time on that maybe
four minutes all right we gotta let the next in. We got a big line already.
All right.
Next one is...
We're getting backed up.
I'm so tired already.
We're getting backed up.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Oh, God.
It's Timmy Simpson.
Oh, hey, guys.
Can you hear me?
Timson Simpson.
Yep.
You know, my name gets mispronounced a lot in this business,
and thank you guys for pronouncing it correctly.
Tim, I just want to say, so we're already, like, we often, like, take time to just, like, rap with the guests and stuff.
We are already recording this one.
Like, we're, like, Pete Holmes-ing it.
We're just, like, jumping right in.
So awesome to have you.
What's up, dude?
Oh, nothing.
I thought that I was going to be told what was up.
I'm just here visiting.
Just a normal episode.
We are, it's tri-month, so we have our most awesome repeat guests coming on.
Our most awesome, most favorite guests, yes.
Totally normal episode.
Telling stories, talking about what we're up to in the business how
it's changing right because the landscape of all of it has been like it's changing so fucked up
yeah it's changing is maybe the best way to say it yeah streaming streaming i mean you have like
how many platforms you know do we need, and I've been joking around about
things that could be platforms that aren't even.
Where it's like,
I'm on your K95 mask channel or something.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
That's pretty like K95 plus.
That's an example, but yes, K95 plus.
You can put plus on anything if that's a channel. Yeah, I know a on anything on your channel yeah no a lot of people
are using me a lot of subscribers because fucking virus and at the same time you don't want to like
make too much fun of it because draft day is of course streaming on 2b right now and that could
just go away at any time and so like we make too many jokes and 2b can just say like oh i guess you don't oh i guess you don't like watching suddenly it's not 2b right holy shit wow uh can i say it all can i
say it all did you see something weird in your house or uh uh since being on the show i've said
to myself the boys and their toys a bunch of times i'll just like be walking around and some of you will have like a cool car and i'll be like oh the boys and their toys you bunch of times. I'll just be walking around and somebody will have a cool car
and I'll be like,
oh, the boys and their toys.
You know what I mean?
The toys are nice, right?
You see it all over.
The toys are nice, you know?
Hey, what's up with your hair?
What's up with your hair?
Oh, you know, it's just...
Big and strong.
It's lustrous and huge, yeah.
Is that for...
It's big in the back, too.
For a roll?
Yeah, is it for a roll? Yeah'm gonna be um i'm gonna be the
next greatest showman that's great and that's the title the next greatest showman yes so we've seen
the greatest showman we know that story but isn't it sort of beautiful to see the showman who was not as good as him but still excellent and and in the movie
he is unable to kind of like make the leap to the greatest showman because the hair is an issue
uh the he's getting in his eyes and just like visually it's just kind of disqualifying
yeah right to really be the greatest climax of the show he'll be yeah what's going on kev dang i'm
sorry timmons but there's a couple more people in the waiting room and we really gotta go not
say there's more people no i don't say there's more just say that's the whole episode and that's
say the episode's over or say that's some kind of technical thing or something i think i'm sorry
we can talk about this with tim we have nine guests for this episode yeah i i gotta tell you
it was a really great. Really great.
The power move of making me wait.
I was scheduled for 645.
I mean, at least a solid seven minutes of waiting.
Think about who's scheduled after you then, you know?
Yeah.
All right, Timson Simpson.
It was so good to see you.
It was good to see you, dude.
All right.
Bye, guys.
Love you.
GTFO.
Okay.
And the next one's in the line, too.
This is exhausting.
I'm so tired already.
I'm having such a bad time.
Oh, my God.
It's all these people that I like.
It's all these people I like and admire.
Chris Fleming is here.
Can he hear us yet?
I think so.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, Chris.
Chris, welcome back Hi, Chris. Uh-oh.
Chris, welcome back to the show.
Just want to let you know, usually we take a little time to wrap with the guests ahead of time.
We are already recording.
Blah, blah.
We're just going blah.
It's crazy, man.
Like Pete Holmes, he's already recording.
He's doing it.
We're doing that as well.
Just talking and you're part of his
that's very punk rock of you guys yeah yeah wow yeah what's the latest with you i won't suck you
into my drama you know i'm stuck in this uh sick psycho sexual game with my wife still
couple weeks yeah cuck kink or whatever but you know i don't want to make it all about me look you look sun-kissed
sean hey oh yeah i've been getting a lot of sun i'm out spying i've been all the time i'm in a
tree watching her through the window while she you know uh wait her affairs so wait i should put
headphones in i'm sorry i'm being such a that's all right don't by the time you get it we'll
probably have to i got you yeah it's just i don't know how
you guys i mean because sean you usually build a rapport around an hour 10 with somebody right
yeah that's usually a sweet spot and that's in a one-on-one situation so with all these distractions
it probably wasn't going to happen regardless ch Chris maybe can, like while Chris is here,
I do think he can actually offer some insight
into the psychosexual game.
Oh, you actually are playing a psychosexual game
with your wife.
Trapped in this sick psychosexual game with my wife, yeah.
Yeah, you mind if I take my strap off for it?
Oh, no, I would insist, yeah.
For the patron.
For the patron.
She's reminding me of what she does to me.
She's at the top of the stairs removing these straps.
But, of course, she's going to deny me any kind of gratification.
Oh, no.
It's in full view, and yet...
So you can look...
Probably only so that she can tell me no.
How long has this been going on?
A couple weeks.
A couple weeks. A couple weeks.
So, yeah, like I said, she's probably...
She's taken four or five lovers.
She's taken four or five lovers at this point,
some of whom have disappeared.
Okay.
Wow.
I'm so sorry to hear this.
No, please, please.
I don't want to bring you down.
You want to tell them about the snails?
And sometimes, by the way, Chris,
what you're doing is exactly all these people are like
offering advice on this yeah and sometimes all you need is just like i'm sorry that happened to you
i i don't need you to fix it i want you to hear that i'm in pain it's a very male impulse to try
to give advice to fix but really what sean wants is to be witnessed right now thank you yes he's in a
cat and mouse game with his wife yeah he wants to do the witnessing i'd like to be yeah i'm
witnessing but i also want to be witnessed because i also like to i witness my snails in my snail
shack and and that you know they'll be making love i'll stand and smirk in the dark i'm enjoying that
so so you're saying that not only your wife,
but you also have some snails who are taunting you.
Something's going on with the snails.
I haven't pinned it down yet,
but it's definitely important.
It has to be because I'm spending so much time back there.
So in what kind of container are the snails that are-
A shack.
Yeah, there's a shack and there are tanks inside the shack and I'll sort of like turn over the lid they're all stuck to the lid oh this pleases me
you know then i'll put it back i don't know why i ever picked it up like i i have to go to the
bathroom um so we have to stop okay so we are gonna need to end the episode but it was great
it was so great to see you chris i'm so sorry about that been enjoying your stuff
why are you sorry Kevin
just because the vibe was so great
I hate to interrupt
oh yeah no thank you
so if only you could leave
it was great to see you
Kevin's going to go to the bathroom
if just Chris could leave
if just Chris could leave
he's really got to go
you really you
really want me to leave right now if only actually only chris so awesome having you on the show
anything you want to you to leave anything you want to plug in like two words okay um um
plug in two words no i there's nothing's nothing. That's more than two.
Okay.
Okay, and then the next one's here too.
Oh God, Kevin.
I need a little break.
Sorry everyone.
I just need more of a break with this stuff
in between.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Hey.
What's going on did it come in no no you're here i'm just getting like run down oh i let's go it's such a relief to see you i do want to be honest with you
yeah we have nine guests on this yeah episode yeah your. Your guest number four, so we're not
even over the hump yet.
Yeah.
This is when you really start to feel the climb
of like, we gotta find more of these things.
Because the first...
No, the first one wasn't...
The second guest went well, no?
Yeah, I did
think the second... It was almost like a perfect episode.
It made me think that they should
the guest appearance should all be that short but let's go yeah we can keep it real short if you
want it doesn't have to be sure i'd actually like a little time threat now i decide how long it is
i want to just be able to like decompress with you a little bit because the pace of this already has been so unrelenting, so
punishing. We've got to catch our breath here.
Totally get it.
So it would be great to just
have this be
a really low pressure
hangout.
And be entertaining still
and
do a good show and all that
but just
keep it chill, keep it really relaxed.
Just chill, just catch up, chill, relax,
just vibe out with you.
That sounds great, yeah.
Sorry, I was figuring out the audio thing.
No, please, don't ever apologize to us.
What are you doing?
What's going on?
Everyone loves your dance.
Oh, thank you. The the drop one i never know sometimes he said that to everyone who's he's trying that out yeah you're the first
one to bite which i'm happy for him honestly oh everyone else was like what dance yeah you gotta
self-confidence it's something my grandmother
taught me you know if someone is not even talking about you and uh you know if someone's like how
you doing you gotta have an answer right if someone's like your dance you gotta go yeah it
is cool yeah you have a name you got the the drop one? Yeah. Sometimes I can't even tell. Wait, that's your dance?
You said sometimes I don't even know.
To kind of say, I have so many dances out there,
I'm not sure which one you're referring to.
That's, ooh, yeah, see, that's intimidating.
That's scary.
It makes the other person lose it.
That's got me spinning.
I go, is there a bigger dance I didn't even see?
Yeah, that I did? Do I sleepwalk? You know? Mm-hmm. For sure dance i didn't even see yeah that i did do i sleepwalk
you know i didn't know that was your dance i mean you know the to the song and it's yeah so where
you do mundane things and then you drop to the beat yeah me and my grandma accidentally started
that in little tokyo and she's done our show like two or three times now and we not like
you have i don't know i just feel like if i had known about this there would have been a way to
like okay i could have been getting some kind of some kind of traction off of this i think industry
wise i think this was in between appearances two and three. Maybe we inspired it.
It's happened in just like the last two months.
So don't worry, boys.
I saw Amanda Moore do that dance.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Serena Williams has freaking Kerry Washington, the cast of SNL.
The entire cast of SNL.
You know, as many as they could get, so like four.
Okay, who were we missing?
A ton.
Aren't there a lot of people, including Crew?
We can't ever forget them, right?
Crew needs to be involved.
I like talking to people.
That was one of the big wins that IATSE got
in the union fight was that
they got to be involved in the drop challenge oh i'm so glad like it's cool because when i talk to y'all it's
like you give me like self-confidence boost at the same time i'm i you know a piece of humble pie
you know yeah so you just come out of it like it basically never happened at all it's neutral yeah
we're aiming for a neutral experience for everyone on the show we don't always get there but i think
it's a good goal to have no it's cool because sometimes i'm like oh am i being too cocky and
then you know um yeah yeah well osco is great chatting with you and thanks so much for being
here all right osco we gotta go we gotta move on to the next guest i was just starting to feel Yeah. Well, Otzko, it was great chatting with you. And thanks so much for being here.
All right, Otzko. We got to go. We got to move on to the next guest. I was just starting to feel great about myself. Okay. Well, I got to go too then. Great seeing you all.
Great seeing you, Otzko.
We'll miss you.
Lots of love. Miss you too.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
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Hollywood handbook.
That was nice.
I do feel a little more ready now to like really.
Okay.
I can't believe it's already a half hour into this show.
Next one's up.
Jesus.
Okay.
Wow.
Okay.
That was another breather, which is nice.
Sean Diston. What's up? What's up? nice sean distant what's up what's up what's up bad boys i'm here i'm here the most electrifying guest on hollywood handbook history baby is me
knew we had to turn it up for tri-month come on you had to turn up i mean you've had ham in the
past and you had to have your boy distant. You remember me from such episodes
like, let's see,
the Christmas album,
the masked engineer,
all the episodes
where the premise
can outshine the guest comfortably
and we don't have to worry
about what we're talking about.
And this one is no exception.
And so I would,
as we told our last guest,
I feel comfortable telling you as well
we have nine guests for this episode that's huge yes uh and i want to say too like because we
because we do have nine guests if later on you get in trouble with your boss or being yourself
on the podcast which i know has been discouraged let me know yeah yeah for sure yeah we can we can probably
excise this section without really losing a whole we'll just yeah yeah so it's not a big deal
we're expecting to lose we're expecting to lose two or three yeah i feel like eight's an even
like a better number than nine it's nine's a weird number to have it's for safety yeah
no it's really disgusting.
Yeah, you know, I talked to Scott.
I said, I'm going to do this sort of handbook thing.
Kevin told me about it.
And Scott was like, just make sure you have a pretty bad British accent.
And I was like, I don't know if that's what they're asking me for.
I don't want to come on.
Because I want to be me.
I want to be the guy that Hollywood handbook fans are clamoring to get on the show well i want to come on as as as this british guy that i do sometimes yeah well
yeah it's just not really a character show i mean what we said from the beginning is like
we want to get real on this thing yeah i mean i'm here talking about some of the most personal
stuff in my life i'm trapped in sick, psychosexual game with my wife.
We're on week five, maybe.
No, well, a couple weeks.
But we're on lover four or five. And I'm going through this cuck king thing.
And as angry as I am at her,
it may be the only place I can find passion anymore.
I'm so bored and rich.
Well, I invented the microchip that uh drones use to uh
do targeted strikes interesting so i retired sean distant you like you don't have to hear about
your you host a podcast with scott ackerman yeah i kind of do my own thing i mean i'm rich
you need to hear about psychosexual games i mean no no i i don't have that's what you call
tuesday yeah i'm i'm pretty much in like either an orgy
or a podcast record every other day so for me it's it's not something i need to deal with so
this episode's been going good everyone's been hopping in no it's been pretty bad uh yeah i
think the second guest i thought went well but now looking back i'm remembering some pretty
bad dead spots during that it had really bad parts I would say some of it was good, but
it had parts that were
awful. The peaks were
palatable. The valleys
were fully untenable.
So the next guest is here
though. Oh,
you know what? Sean, do Sean want to
stay on for this one? I think we might
as well bring on the other guests. Do you want to stick around for this
one? What do you think? Maybe leave. Yeah. me i could be sprague let's do sprague for let's have
sprague here for this one just to cover our bases yeah just in case all right let's do that let's do
that oh this is a good one all right all right sean hayes oh i actually have to go oh no
no
sorry
I just wanted to pop by to let you guys know thank you for the
invite but I have to go
it means so much
to us that you came at all
you didn't want to talk to me Sprague the Whisperer
Sprague's here
does that change your timeline
unfortunately I have a gang of auditions and self
tapes to get to you have more auditions and self tapes it's so late in new york you're wearing a
yankees hat you're fully established as being in new york yeah it's after 10 p.m you have a gang
of auditions and self yeah things move fast here i'm so sorry. It's a city that never sleeps.
I've got to go. Producers are calling me.
We've just really been rearranging
our schedule for this record.
It would be great to get some
SNL scoops. You don't have
any work all around.
That's incredible. I have to
go. You do, yes.
If you want any scoops, there's
internet articles, social media right there's
a reddit yeah you can go you can go obviously amazing yeah it's so good talk to me about your
self-tape process though are you reading your lines for yourself are you doing both roles i'm
doing both roles and that's and part of the reason why it's so Are you sure? I was going to say a reader
because I could for sure read with you
I don't want my reader to have a
I don't want my reader to have a British
accent. It's tough, it boxes you
in a little bit. Yeah, it does and then
you book it and I don't
They're always like, who's the guy with that perfect
British accent? Guys, this has
been amazing, it's so good
It has been really good I'm having flashbacks to Guest 2, this has been amazing it's so awesome it has been really good i'm having flashbacks to
guests too this has gone so well but you said you want to know about my self-tape process i read for
myself i print out the sides um you do both roles i print out i print out sides both like two sets
of sides for one audition i have a question how do you how do you get the printer to work because
i i have trouble with the printer
because every time I turn on my computer
it's like I need to install a new driver.
How do you figure that out? Oh my gosh. I wish
I could help you, but I have to go.
Okay.
I just thought you'd save time if
one of us could read the other role for you.
That would take you so much time.
Yeah. Then you could stay here
and do the self-tape
i know but you guys aren't you guys you guys kind of flub i've listened to the podcast there's a lot
of mistakes kevin's doing a lot of cleaning up and with my self-tape okay well you said you didn't
want someone who's gonna book the role so you either want mistakes or you don't from i often
find myself in a flow you know when an actor gets in the pocket and is really making the material their
own um and and really feeling feeling it i'm actually have you ever booked the role that you
were reading against yourself as i've only ever booked the roles that i was reading against yeah
hoping to uh actually be able to book one that i'm auditioning for this has been so good you guys are
good it's been amazing. Thank you.
No hints on the printer thing. You don't have a website
I can go to a YouTube.
HP.com
or brother.com
brother.com
or yeah guys this has
been so good. Everyone
like gosh it's Oscars
week. We're creeping up on Oscars week
and so we wanted to really get into
that with you i'm on hp.com because i have the same issue with my printer it's something called
horse powder okay is that it's trying to sell me horse powder i first i thought it was horse
radish but it actually on the faqs it says no it's not yeah this is one of those things i've
gotten the horse powder as well does not help with the printer i don't know what you're supposed to do no and even that has your
printer even that has drivers somehow that you need to download a weird driver yeah just to read
the faqs i gotta put another driver in well listen guys i'm i don't know on my computer when i go to
hp okay it does say horse powder and I wish I could clarify this, but
I do.
This is you. You seem to have booked the role of
spokesperson for horse powder. You're the
one selling me the powder.
I know nothing about horse powder.
I have some hunches as to what it is,
but as I'm
reading here, stamina.
I guess haunches is mostly
what it is. You said haunches. It's more haunches. The powder mostly comes from guess haunches is mostly what it is yeah you said it's more haunches yeah
yeah the powder mostly comes from the haunches and that's right in this faq this driver actually
updated really fast and the faq no it's running like a dream for me every time i have to update
it's we got right we got another person in the waiting room so do we wantgo to stay and Sprague maybe could go?
Yeah, maybe I get out of here.
Actually, I would love to see who the next
person is. Let's all just stick around.
I'm going to stick around and feel this one out.
I would just love to see who the next
person is.
I don't know which Darcy
this is. The suspense is killing me.
It could be Mr. Darcy.
Yeah, I'm from Pride and Prejudice. I do have to go. Okay could be Mr. Darcy.
I do have to go.
Okay, Darcy, hi.
Darcy, hi.
Eggo has to go.
Eggo's got to go.
So good to see you.
Yeah, but let's deal with our goodbyes.
We don't want to be rude.
So Darcy, if you could sit tight.
It's Oscars week.
I've got so many self-tapes.
I know. The director's calling me.
Producers on my line will not get off my nutsack.
I know.
Yeah, so it's been good to see everybody,
but I do have to go.
I was going to text you today. I'll text you.
I honestly have something to tell you.
Okay, but if you could...
Well, do it on air then.
If you're going to bring it up, do it on air.
Don't do it on air. If don't do it if it's about horse
powder i do need us to kind of sort through this uh on the show okay guys it's so good to see you
darcy it's i have to go casting's calling me now so ego found a way to leave the podcast before i
have but i'm kind of stuck here bye ego darcy i don't know if we've met my name is Sprague the Whisperer
let's go back to you just being Sean
that'd be great
didn't work out for us
that went so badly
Darcy we've already texted today so that was
really fun
I'm gonna get out of here another electrifying
performance by me
electrifying
I'm the Hollywood
handbook king.
And I'm out.
Bye Sprague.
Darcy. What's up Darcy?
Hey, what's up?
Can you imagine coming onto this show with like a character?
That is
exactly my thought Darcy.
Oh my god.
It was cringe AF
hi
hey Penny
yeah that's Penny
oh god I hated that I screamed like that
how are you guys doing
happy birthday or happy anniversary
thank you my birthday is in two
days but that's really
nice I guess my anniversary is far
away yeah and I don't know if i'm gonna get
there actually because i am stuck in a sick psychosexual game with my wife just sort of a
cuck kink thing where yeah she's taking four or five lovers publicly in front of my friends and
family i watch it then i uh retreat to my snail shack where i do get misted gently as i watch the
snails uh enjoy each other carnally and i kind of smirk in the darkness as I plot the murder of my wife's various lovers.
Oh, God.
Yeah, okay, okay.
And your anniversary.
It's coming up.
Yeah.
So it's coming.
It's on the way, yeah,
but I'm just worried.
I'm nervous about making it there.
Although it may work out.
It also doesn't.
It sounds like you guys are doing...
It sounds...
We're doing exactly what we should be.
It's going to have bumps in the road.
No marriage is perfect. But that that's marriage you know what I mean
that's what I'm yeah
Darcy
I got a copy of
Mike Schur's book
I noticed
Amy blurb
Ted blurb
no Darcy blurb didn't like the book
well I thought it was great Amy blurb, Ted blurb, no Darcy blurb. Didn't like the book? Eh, well, I...
I thought it was great.
I could feel where he was ignoring your notes.
That's part of the problem.
Is that, you know, we like, we co-wrote it together.
Oh, wow. Okay.
I felt like we were co-writing it.
And so I guess I did give him a blurb, Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. And,
um,
so I guess I did give him a blurb,
which is half the book,
but I didn't get credit.
I didn't get an Amy.
I didn't get a weird,
almost distracting because like you play it,
you're a character in the show.
It's like kind of weird if people were like,
Oh,
that that's an actor.
That's like another person.
It's like bad for the show.
Yeah.
That's right.
You mean,
because the show is like, it's like a companion piece in a way yeah yeah the font is
the same yeah that's true that's really true so um it's all it's all feeding into the same
my reading time has just been cut in half or worse just by this whole six psychosexual
would you have time to read well i do
have time just i'm bored rich but i'm also like i'm also i'm making this like zine basically about
my wife as well like that seems to be how i spend a lot of my time and money so no i mean zine
yeah it's like a glossy high-end like kind of art magazine it's all
that's a photos of my wife and it's for her well because it's a it's privately published and it's
like it's small i don't know what distinguishes it you know i don't either i don't know why
something would be called a zine or i thought the fact that it's like independent small small
print run uh i feel like they're always tiny too
honestly if a magazine is tiny is this big i feel like the scene is this big it's tiny it's it's
you just print it out you fold it you staple it's raw well and it's it's wow this is a musical
magical beautiful for me i what's that for for my niece was over yesterday you know what i
mean and just find a little like show how good you you know like like that you understand music
it's just good to show it's good to like sort of well that's the circle of fifths right there yeah
that's peacock i'm about to watch peacock is that the band that's it can't be the same as the fbc what it has to be a little bit different
you you play that little tune and suddenly i like pavlovian conditioning to start uh
reacting to carol and joe you know oh has your hair ever looked blonder you guys god
the two of us mostly him but something thank you this was nice looked blonder, you guys? God. The two of us.
Mostly him, but sometimes me. Thank you.
It was nice of you to say you guys.
You guys are getting older and blonder by the day.
Every day that you get older, you're getting blonder.
Two old blods.
Well, unfortunately, there's another guest in the waiting room,
but Darcy was so great.
Wait, she was talking directly to me.
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead, Darcy.
Just pick your spots. Please don't say there's another guest in the waiting room. Say, she was talking directly to me. Yeah, sure. Go ahead, Darcy. Just pick your spots.
Sean, you what? Please don't say there's another guest in the
waiting room. Say you have to go to the bathroom.
It's the only time that works. It's a big bathroom
for me, but go ahead, Darcy. I was gonna
say, Sean, do you consider yourself
a blonde? I've always
thought of myself as a blonde, but I don't think the
world agrees anymore.
I agree. I agree with you.
That's a lot of power i have now i'll send them
to you that was bad so the tiger king so it's a big bathroom for kevin but yeah and so if just
you could leave darcy uh i'm shy but the only thing is like when i joined i got to say hi to
the two guests for me so it feels like there should be some overlap.
I get to say hi to them.
Sure, you can say hi.
Do I like the person?
We'll see.
Is this the ninth one, Kevin?
This is eight of nine.
Oh, my God.
We do have to move it.
I believe this person's on location.
We'll see where they are.
We'll make it quick.
I'll basically say bye immediately, okay?
Okay.
Wow.
Okay. I'm Wow. Okay.
I'm pleasantly surprised.
Joe Firestone, I thought this could be a very long connected to audio experience, but we have Joe.
Hi, Joe.
Oh, yes.
And you are on location in a dungeon.
Yeah, well, I tried to come in from the dungeon and I told Kevin to tell you guys that I'm coming in from a dungeon
and I hope he said something. He did. He didn't give us
the full story, but he wasn't even telling us who it was. If I knew it was Dr. Game
Joe, I would have expected no less. Thank you so much.
I have to go as soon as you come in. That's the rule. I love you and it was
so nice to see you. Nice to see you soon as you come in. That's the rule. I love you and it was so nice to see you.
Nice to see you and nice to see you.
Okay, well.
Bye, friends.
Bye, Darcy.
Bye, Darcy.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
What do you mean happy birthday?
Hayes has this
birthday.
We spent too much time on it already.
Whose birthday?
It's not my birthday.
I don't win.
It's my birthday.
Then we can celebrate my birthday.
We're going to go fucking nuts.
Talk to me about it.
I'm open to birthdays.
Tell me about it.
Okay, let's deal with it.
It's a big one.
Yeah.
I basically consider the day that I met my stepmom to be the day I was born.
And so that's my birthday.
That's when I feel like, okay, that other one is out the window.
And I got to basically choose my own stepmom which
makes it like like that much more of like an exciting thing and you chose a new middle name
at that point too she chose a new middle name yeah yeah exactly you have the same you're attracted
the same women as your father uh my i didn't my dad wasn't really like involved in this at all i
was just like this is my new
they're still my mom and dad like still have their own thing going like whatever
but like i got my stepmom now i got my to choose my own birthday like life and marriage is
complicated families are complicated i've been talking about this a ton this episode i mean i
don't even know hey sean sorry speaking of, do you have a bird in the background?
I have a couple birds.
Why?
I think I see a bird.
Do you not want the bird there?
Sometimes the snails get inside,
and you've got to have someone to eat the snail.
Yeah.
Oh.
I've got a snail shack that I spend a lot of my free time in,
and I'm obsessed with the snails.
They're beautiful to me. One of my wife's lovers at one point actually came over suggested that we um fry up
the snails as part of our meal and i you know i humiliated him i just let him know you got to
starve them for a few days to make sure their intestines are empty or else you actually will
poison yourself he looks like a fucking idiot this guy was sleeping with
my wife oh hey you guys like shrimp uh well yeah we did a famous episode of the dough boys called
the shrimp off if that's what you're referring to i assume that's what you mean yeah i i more
shrimp than anyone who's ever been on a podcast well that's something so i guess do you guys like
what do you guys want to talk about i guess is the thing because it seems like you're kind of
being cagey about your birthday and your family so i guess do you guys want to ask me what i gave
you i don't consider my bird a part of my family so i was not being yeah and i was very open with
you about it but wait wait sure what's in your purse? You guys want to guess? I'll give you four guesses.
Is it shrimp?
A shrimp?
Absolutely not.
You think I'd ruin the weather?
No shrimp.
Run down.
Three more guesses.
Okay.
We should collaborate on the guesses, right?
I just hate to feel like you're going to burn one of my guesses.
Cha?
Is it cha?
Cha?
Cha?
Cha?
Cha?
Is it cha?
Could you use an incentive?
Cha, I feel like I'm doing the rump up.
Your purse is full of cha.
Okay, so could you spell it?
Like tobacco, chewing tobacco.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, no.
No, that is incorrect. Incorrect. Okay, okay. Yeah, no. No, that is incorrect.
Incorrect.
Okay.
Down.
One, two.
That's actually incorrect.
So you have two more guesses, and then you have to go down.
I've got another smaller purse.
This is becoming Dr. Game Joe over here.
It is becoming Dr. Game Joe.
I mean, that's how it feels.
I got asked to be here for a reason, and it's because of my
VIP status.
Yeah, you're number eight of nine guests, and they
have been in ascending order.
And the last guest hasn't
appeared yet, so you might be the headliner.
Yeah, unbelievable,
huh? Just in case we need the hammer.
Kevin, this is VIP,
right? Yeah. That's VIP. Yeah, dude. huh just in case we need the hammer kevin this is vip right yeah that's vip yeah dude yeah
very important podcaster you didn't respond to my guess that it's another smaller purse like a doll's
purse is inside your purse i mean if you if you think that of me that i know you think of me
highly but no that's incorrect okay it's interesting that you think that's good because that would make it a russian
nesting purse basically and those aren't my values but um that's that's cool that you like that
yeah i don't really like what they're doing i got the first two guests i guessed shrimp and cha
sean got the third guest and so i guess sean can have the fourth one as well. This is the final guess.
I'm not going to say cha.
Don't you dare say shrimp. We'll not go down that road again.
That was
horrible.
That's a one cha street.
That's a massive blade, a big sharp
blade.
Can you hear us, Joe? Is it a blade?
Can you hear me? Is it a blade?
It's frozen. it's not a blade
it's a frozen blade
ice blade
oh my god
the perfect crime
oh my gosh can you imagine
cutting an onion
cutting an onion with an ice blade
an iced blade
a perfectly chilled onion cutting an onion with an ice blade ice blade nice cold onion
imagine you don't have to freeze the onion
after you cut it
it's happening at the same time
literally
my dream scenario
ultimate meal
status yes please
ice plate onions we have to open a restaurant you guys
what else would there be ice plate onions ice blade beef what else that's it i don't know what
else you could get well you got cold beef and onions and if somebody's ordering something else
you go get the fuck out of my restaurant, pal.
I'll tell you what.
The blade's so cold, it cooks the beef.
Not a lot, but a little bit.
No, but enough to be safe.
Yeah.
I'm thinking this is like sous vide, too.
I'm safing the beef with an ice blade?
That's meals.
Meal goals.
Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.
What's up, dude?
What's in the purse?
Kevin.
Okay, I'll tell you in a second.
But, Kevin, if we gave you the honor of naming the restaurant that serves ice blade onions,
what would you name it?
Chili's.
Oh, that's actually a really good name.
Yeah, you're spelling it.
Because the onions is Chili's.
Yeah.
That's really good.
Joe, thoughts?
I guess kind of.
You wanted to call it Firestones.
No, you can say it.
That is a good name as well.
They bring out the onions on the platter. It seems different than an ice plate.
The onions are sizzling from being so cold.
And everyone's like, oh my God, those onions look so good.
I can hear the sizzle of them cutting the onions with an ice plate.
I can smell it
you guys put a lot of sound effects in post
right?
almost entirely
this would be a really good spot
you can't hear any of what we're saying
it's all going to be sound effects
okay
what's in the purse?
okay you want to know?
I'll tell you
okay what do you think this is? okay you want to know no I'll tell you okay
what do you think this is
bubbles
bubbles
you think just because you show me bubbles
really fast I'm not gonna
please be able to tell that it's bubbles
I don't know how familiar
you were with this stuff
it's a bubble stick
what are you shooting is this stuff. It's a bubble stick. What are you shooting?
Is this like a Miranda July
project?
I got these from a wedding.
I know people in love.
Epic wedding gift.
Good luck to them. Hope it turns out better than mine's going.
Hope it lasts longer than
these bubbles.
Oh gosh.
May your wedding last as long as this bubble
flies in the sky you really shouldn't blow bubbles inside all your illusions about what
marriage is gonna you start blowing the bubble you think there's no way i'll get trapped in a
sick psychosexual game with my wife not very covid safe i just want to say we still are in a pandemic
oh let me put my entire breath into this ball and shoot it around.
Can I increase the distance my germs could travel and create some sort of vehicle where they can land on someone and explode?
Let me charter a plane for my disease.
That's basically what you say when you do a bubble.
Gosh, you guys are so nasty.
I've been really trying to be in positive attitude land.
We got to bounce that out.
Yeah.
You got to think positive.
You got to think positive.
Okay.
I'm positive that bubbles are irresponsible during COVID.
What do you think about that?
And so we can be the hot spoon to your ice blade.
Huh? Hot spoon?
What are you going to make with it? Firestone.
I mean, it should be. Yeah.
You want to cook
with a hot spoon? What do you cook
with a hot spoon? You guys remember
that old jingle? Oh, yeah.
We've been singing it. We were singing it before
the show. Yeah. What do you cook
with a hot spoon?
And of course, we all know the answer lentils raw lentils put the hot spoon in there lentil soup sound of the delicious lentils heating on the spoon oh table side lentil soup with a hot spoon.
The server comes out with a big tureen of raw lentils.
Yep.
Hey, Kevin.
Drop the spoon in there for really high up.
Kevin.
Flick the lentil at your mouth.
This restaurant. What are you going to call the restaurant, Kevin?
I was sending a couple of follow-up emails
to someone who seemed very excited to do the show today
and then went to ghost town, so I apologize.
Wow.
Follow-up emails.
By no means are we disappointed.
Just following up.
Kevin's got a job to do oh geez kevin he does it is it's almost
unfair to make him name the restaurant although i'd like to see him crash and fail after his
triumph earlier humanize him a little bit for me he's become such a hero in my eyes uh what were
the details about it it was uh firestone fire it is a hot spoon, so hot that when the spoon enters the bowl of raw lentils,
the lentils immediately become a lentil soup.
It's made table side by the server.
It's dates only.
No families. no kids screaming it's not it's not safe honestly
because there are lentils flying all over the restaurant you sign a waiver before you eat there
kevin i can see your screen changing what are you like what are you looking up? I got a response. All caps. Oh, fuck. And he just joined.
Okay.
We only have a second.
We're over an hour.
So we'll keep Joe.
And we just got to bring this person on.
And then we're done, basically.
Yes.
Okay.
Here we go.
What do you mean the restaurant?
Hey.
Hey.
Patton Oswalt.
Hi, everyone.
Patton Leather.
Is that anything?
I'm reaching for whatever.
Hey, Patton, I gotta go.
Nice to talk to you.
Joe's gotta go.
Thanks for coming, Joe, but you have to go now.
I have to go. Bye. Bye, everybody. Thanks for coming, Joe. But you have to go now. I have to go.
Bye.
Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bye, Joe.
What's up?
Hey, Patton.
That was weird.
Thank you so much for coming.
You know, Joe was saying that she was going to stay.
She was really excited to hang out with the next guest.
Yeah.
No matter who it was, she said.
Wow.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I was. uh how you guys doing i
think maybe i i i hopped on a little late i just wanted to see what's going on like how's everyone
how's everyone doing uh i'm doing okay you know i'm stuck in a sick psychosexual game with my
wife you know uh something of a cupcake and murderinging her lovers and she's
you know flaunting her affairs
I'm of course in my snail shack every night as well
watching them copulate
well you know cupcakes and murder
shows that's all that's on Netflix now
it's all cupcake competition so
if anything you just combine the
zeitgeist if you ask me
well yeah perhaps it could
ultimately inform some of my uh
creative material cuck king wars cuck cuck oh my god cuck cake wars you know what uh people
have been throwing cuck around like an insult but you know what that could be an untapped demographic
you know what i say no revenue stream neglected neglected. All right? We're taking it back.
Yeah, you take it back.
You monetize that.
You monetize Cuckoldery.
And Cucks vote, too, I might add.
Well, people did this with nerd culture.
They were being ignored, you know, and now it's the most powerful group,
and they had been insulted, and you're a dork, and you're a dweeb,
and it's like, oh, well, now we're the most powerful box office,
you know group
in the world so how about cocks there are going to be cuck blockbusters in 2040 there'll be a
whole there'll be a whole cuckoverse hey of films that don't 20 20 40 i don't i mean maybe you
haven't been to preview screenings like morbius is one of the most cucked characters that's ever been on screen you're right
you're right to bucks i say you lose the c out of b man that's right that's what i'm about you get
those look man i'm all about those cuck bucks that'll be the next that'll be the new bitcoin
not dogecoin cuck bucks audio question for you paton I can see you
you're talking in a way that looks normal
are you projecting your voice
into a storm drain before it
hits us
yeah I'm using
the storm drain app
I thought that was
no
I'm really sorry that is a
trick app that's Pennywise.
Pennywise wants you to come play with him in this app,
but it's not good for audio at all.
It's a trick.
How does my audio sound now?
Amazing.
Bye.
Hollywood Hamburg.
That was a HeadGum Podcast.