Hollywood Handbook - Try Month, Our Close Friends 2
Episode Date: March 21, 2023The Boys once again attempt to salvage Try Month with quantity over quality.See Hollywood Handbook live in Los Angeles March 29th with guest Timothy Simons at the Dynasty Typewriter!Click for... ticketsSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Podcast. Is the terror the point? Is the entire exercise meant to create panic inside me?
Or is it supposed to be fun and I'm bringing that to it?
What is helping me maintain right now and one of the only things keeping me together,
I've talked to you about this, but I'm fine talking about it publicly.
I'm on a regimen of recreational antibiotics.
It's not for everyone.
People handle these things differently.
It's not saying it's something that you should.
Please don't flood the comments.
We're not saying everyone's supposed to do this.
It works for me.
And the general way it works is you are full of
bugs everyone is like has the human body like a hundred bugs living in them they're
one billion bugs i well what i've heard from it it is like for some people and for me in particular
it's it's about a but they're bigger 100 bugs
right but there's yeah there's about a billion bugs worth of yes bug matter yes that's right
inside yes just inside just the small intestine yes think about the big one and so you take these
like the cocktail of antibiotics that works for you and the bugs that are like sort of the sphere
bugs the scared bugs it doesn't kill them even necessarily but it makes them like so tired yeah
not even pass out but it makes them like sit down for a long they're just like i need a fucking rest
yes i need to park my ass hold up yes let me pull up this hunk intestine and
make a little bench out of it yes and so that's leveling me out in a way and yet i'm still very
scared because this episode comes out tomorrow this episode is supposed to be the one that
is the end of tri-month where we have a bunch of people just say what it is a bunch of people we have one more we have one more after this yeah so what's that one gonna be but we have a bunch of people in the
zoo we have a bunch of people coming in on zoom how many people do we have kevin uh it's been
fluctuating oh my always this god like i can't know and these are human i cannot be anything
it's all gonna be like i don't know who it is and I don't know how many people, and I can't help you at all.
And be scared, by the way, is the best advice.
I know it's not so many that it's like.
By the way, if I can say, the antibiotics are doing wonders.
Thank you.
For you.
That's really nice.
So pale.
I know you've been self-conscious about having color.
Yes. are you that's really nice so pale i know you've been self-conscious about having color yes and that you felt like you looked like just too show-offy or something yes you are pale you have
i don't know if people can see on the video just the thinnest layer of moisture on you not sweat
but just a glistening kind of grease i suppose the pale bugs and the wet bugs because what some of these uh
these antibiotics do is they destroy the enemies of the bugs that you want to be
helping you and so the pale bugs and the wet bugs i can feel are just like we're thinking about the
bug war shop right now the bug war happening inside my own body at any time it's really
beautiful and kevin and also ke Kevin gets on and he's like,
someone's already in the Zoom, so.
There's somebody in the Zoom right now.
If we could, I guess if we could start right now.
There's a sneaky creeper in the Zoom.
Is this someone, Kevin, that you're.
We're not a sneaky creeper.
They are our guest.
Is this someone that you're worried about,
like kind of nervous about?
Are you going to lose them?
I am nervous.
They do have a hard out in a couple minutes.
And this is like a big, is this like a big.
Well, Hayes talked about what was getting him through this.
Is this guest swinging?
I think so.
They're swinging something?
Well, Hayes talked about what was getting him through the fear.
I have something that's getting me through the fear,
and perhaps I can present it to this guest.
Sure.
And this is a swinging one.
Speaking of bugs. bugs yes squirr
yeah what's up i'm in the fire escape at the succession premiere
with the apple doggy doggy doggy come on you're filming succession right now you said
she's at the premiere i went to the
succession premiere i thought ah wouldn't it be so funny if i zoomed into hollywood handbook
during the succession premiere and kind of walked around like hey guys hollywood and then i got
scared and you went in the fire escape yeah you gotta do No, you cannot be filming in there. This is the kind of celebrity friend that we have.
I remember on the George Lucas talk show,
what's it, Rachel from West Side Story?
Mm-hmm.
Ziggler?
Ziggler was on the red carpet
and actually called into the George Lucas talk show.
Did not get scared.
We have a guest who,
and you can tell it's the succession premiere stairwell
like people are gonna go that could just be any stairwell it's like no you know you know when you
see this one that i'm gonna be completely honest with you guys i look like a crazy homeless you
need to change you need to change right now that was going to be the next thing i said you need to
change immediately we gotta get some new clothes and You would be better off kind of peeling the white tape off the front of the stairs.
There's a big pizza and three baguettes on your coat.
And I believe a napkin.
Spaghetti meatballs.
Spaghetti meatballs.
And is that a real?
Is the napkin sticking out of the coat?
Is it like by the baguettes?
And why is the napkin next to the
baguettes wait what's the utensil on the arm or maybe that's your pocket is it a fork oh fork and
spoon yeah so the homies so i am so criminally underdressed haze and i kind of think of ourselves
as fork and spoon who do you think is which is which?
Well, I was about to ask you,
and this is what we'll do with all our guests today.
Who's fork and who's spoon?
What's it say on top of your hat, Sarah?
Dreams really do come true.
That's on the bottom of that.
NYC?
NYC, an apple and a spider or ant or something.
Jesus Christ, you need to go home.
Wait, look at this.
Read that.
Anna Rose, and it says
i am in love and it's a picture of a cupid having sex with a butterfly you need to go home right now
i every single person with a lanyard comes up to me and goes am
so we can't hear you because the fire escape is designed to prevent this kind of communication
you're sort of going in and out sean did you have a scenario did you have something you wanted to
share well i i would like to be assigned either fork or spoon and i would like a reason why okay
yeah which you guys are telling me you didn't hear the hilarious thing i just told you no i heard um that lanyard people with lanyards are coming up to you and saying ma'am but it could
be basically anything after that that's what i said and then you guys didn't laugh that's what
you're telling me and then so i said my full idea and then you guys were like oh actually i think
the sound cut out they just say ma'am just like generally
just they just say ma'am they said your whole thing they say ma'am they don't do anything ma'am
it's too much to cover i think ma'am this isn't a wendy's yes right i want to say one thing if
someone gets to be spoon it's like you're kind i just want to say once you call someone spoon you're doing body talk
and that's all i'll say okay it's obviously me everyone knows it's me it's so obvious
well it's like beta it's like fork is like it's like phallic it's violent it's yes
masculine that's him um sarah's mortal enemies are in the waiting room
if she would like to say hello to them okay should we bring them in at the same time that's shit
look forward to getting a word in edgewise with whatever this is
don't sarah don't wave don't wave there's nothing to wave about. Don't do anything. Your mortal enemies are coming.
Hi, Sari.
Guys, check it out. I'm in a stairwell.
Hi, Sari.
Stop saying hi, Sari. You're activating my phone. Oh, great.
It's two out of the three.
Oh, here. There she is.
And now we're cooking with fuel of some kind oh my god yes the the feet is
wow we had nothing to be scared of you know we thought this was going to be such a scary episode
and instead it's all of our turns turned out, turned out it's going to be a Sarah episode.
Okay.
Sandy.
Do you know what I mean?
It's a scary episode.
It turns out it's a Sari.
I meant to say Sari episode.
You know,
it thought it was going to be a scary episode,
but it turns out it was a Sarah.
The episode Sarah.
Did you talk to anyone famous already?
Meet your Alyssa and Sandy.
I went to the succession premiere and I thought it would be funny to do the podcast from it and then i got scared and we don't need to catch them up
and it's not a priority for me no for them to be caught up all people listening i do want to
point out that all three of them covered their mouths in reaction to that I'm also at the Succession premiere. You're there too?
Wow. Both of you
are dressed very inappropriately.
Hayes can't
stop talking about women's clothes on the show.
Wait, oh my god!
It's always about the way that they're clothed,
isn't it? To me, they're just clothes.
Literally every single time.
They're not women's clothes. He's just got a lot of
opinions on like there's
like a right and wrong way to dress to him yeah that's what's appropriate what maybe send us your
list of rules haze so that we all know what we're supposed to do is it because we're not showing
enough cleave they're the same oh my god haze tell me that's not why. No. That's so problematic.
The rules are the same
for men as for women, which is
just the slightest indication
of cleave. I actually think
there's definitely
I wouldn't be caught dead wearing what
you guys are wearing.
In everyone's minds right now,
are we doing the podcast currently?
I have no idea what it is. Kevin, you didn't tell them whether or not they we doing the podcast currently? I have no idea what it is.
Kevin, you didn't tell them
whether or not they were doing the podcast?
Well, I guess I'm... Kevin, they're gonna
have to. Are we live on
something? I'm recording on my
iPad. You are?
I'm recording on my iPad.
Alyssa has an iPad, everybody. We're streaming
live to Alyssa's iPad,
everyone. I have two iPads, as we all know.
And I have a bag of chips.
Go Mitra, go Mitra.
I'm different.
I'm the au naturel.
Welcome to my podcast, everyone.
We're giving it to you live.
How cool is this?
Forget it.
Would never, ever, ever happen.
Welcome.
First and last episode ever.
Guys,
I really have to go, but I love you guys
so much.
And I was talking to the girls.
I was talking to the girls when I said
the L word.
Yeah, I was
fucking kidding when I said it back.
Bye, Sarita.
I don't actually
Kevin, do you want to say goodbye to me? Bye, Sarita. Bye, Sarita. I don't actually feel any type of way.
Kevin, do you want to say goodbye to me?
Bye, Sarah.
Blessings.
Bless up.
Bless up.
I've been practicing that.
I was like, why does he keep saying bless up to himself?
I know.
He said blessings.
He fucked it up the first time he said it.
Is this the podcast?
Are we on?
Are we on pod?
It's an interesting experience for me because
is there anyone else waiting i just no actually we need to stretch this out for a little bit so
there's a bit everyone get comfortable in here and we just only have a sort of delayed
piece of footage of alssa like pinching her nose oh probably because when she was
going pu
honestly I am going pu
wait your iPad stinks
my iPad stinks man
I actually got a great deal on it
runs fast as hell but it stinks
man you can't get the smell out
stinky
stinky pad
I love my iPad stinky pad Thanks, man. You can't get the smell out. Stinky. Stinky pad.
I love my iPad.
Yeah, stinky pad.
I was going to try to think of something else like eye smells
or something, but like
stinky pad was right there.
Stinky pad.
Stinky pad.
I-P-U.
What if your iPhone tasted like poop? Huh. Okay, your iPhone tasted like poop
huh
okay
we don't know
mine's covered in poop
probably everyone's is because
Kevin how much more
you know guys aren't washing their hands
how much more
how 15 minutes
10
9
8
7 6 5 4 3 I mean, how 15 minutes? 10. Oh, my God. Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
Kill us.
So this is a sad day in the comedy community.
Only two of the three busy Deborahbras successfully pulled off their suicide.
I bought Hollywood handbook.
Oh my God.
That would be amazing.
I'll say this here.
And I've been saying this for years.
I think that it would be really funny for me
to end my life on stage at the JFL character show.
I don't agree because I don't want you to end your life. JFL character showcase. I and I and obviously
it's like I
don't agree
because I don't
want you to end
your life.
However, if that
was your choice,
perhaps you had
a terminal illness
and you said
this is my choice.
I would love for
it to happen on
the stage at the
JFL character
showcase.
If the set wasn't
going well, like
it was like, you
know, people
weren't kind of
digging your stuff.
No, no, no.
I'm doing,
I'm doing my best stuff.
And then it ends with
what's his name?
The guy that shot himself
on TV,
but et cetera.
Oh, I don't remember,
but I did watch the video.
Yeah, JFK.
Yeah, when he shot himself.
You know,
that's what people
don't talk about.
Everyone's always like
second shooter,
second shooter.
He shot himself. It's because he was handsome people think that like he could you
can't be handsome and sad at the same time no like actually handsome people are even sadder
yeah back because they can't tell if people know just because they're handsome or because
they're really funny you have a good podcast i think about everyone all the time with myself
what alissa i was gonna say um everyone's only friends with me because i'm so pretty all the time with myself. What, Alyssa? I was going to say
everyone's only friends with me
because I'm so pretty.
That's true.
It is true.
Especially because you have beautiful hair.
And beautiful skin as well.
Beautiful, beautiful girl.
And you have a WGA
Best Writing in the World Award.
Yeah!
Congratulations!
Thanks, guys. Thank you. So they got that. Actually, here's what I think congratulations thanks guys
actually here's what I think
is that we've really tracked
like every life event for the Debras
on this podcast
yeah
us getting cancelled
withholding that information from you
was it fun to
get that award and but um do you feel like uh do you worry that there's
lots of writers that haven't been allowed in the union yet that might be more deserving
no no yeah no i don't no i think that we i agree actually i think we got all the best ones in there
was your first call to Adult Swim to say,
I think you might have made a mistake, pal.
We did, but the phones were all turned off.
Yeah.
Hello, Walter.
A little.
What's the award?
Is this Walter?
Put Walter on.
What's the award shaped like?
It's shaped like a whale tail
yeah thong
thong
what's good asshole
Hayes is like you
guys should be dressed like the award
right that's not
looping around again
with appearance again
just
the tiniest in this applies to both you're doing trump hands men and
men and women the just the tiniest little piece of underwear sticking out that's that's that's all
just a peek same as the cleavage the same rule as the cleav, just enough to see just to know it's there and like where it's all good.
It's a safe.
You really are giving Trump right now.
Huh?
You're giving Trump with the way you're speaking.
I wasn't talking.
I said, hi, I wasn't talking to you.
I heard you.
He's working on his Trump.
Serving cunts?
No, he's serving Trump.
He's serving Trump.
He's been working on his Trump.
The whole time is leading up.
He's like going like
we're gonna do a very big podcast
I can't do the voice he can do the voice
I am doing it
we're gonna do a very big podcast
you can do it come on
in New York
no no no you can do better
yeah yeah yeah hang on hang on
move on let's do a big podcast.
That was the best you've done so far.
Come on, let's do a big podcast.
It's got to be huge.
Oh my God, Melania.
Melania, it's got to be a huge podcast.
Melania.
Recording in progress.
What?
That wasn't pod.
Alright, we've started whenever you guys are ready.
We've been going for so long.
I have a question.
I have a question.
I have a question before we really start.
Okay.
Well, since your hair is so pretty.
Perfect. You're done. Well, since your hair is so pretty. There goes Hayes saying the quiet part loud again.
I got a question for Kevin.
Recording on my iPad.
You don't need to be, but I appreciate it.
Okay, because she sounds really bad coming through.
Oh, yeah.
Don't stop.
Don't stop recording.
Maybe send that to me later.
She sounds terrible.
Should I be recording on my end?
I'm working on something good.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, that'd be great.
I've been recording.
And she's been recording.
Mitra sounds good.
We actually don't need Mitra to be recording. She's been recording. actually don't need to be recording
she's been recording
did the thing
did the thing
um ciao
there's a human being on the other side of that meme
just a reminder
I like to have fun as much as anyone but let's keep in mind there's a human being on the other side of that meme. Just a reminder.
I like to have fun as much as anyone,
but let's keep in mind there's a human being on the other side of that meme.
Just keep in mind
there's a string bean on the other side of that meme.
Okay.
Unless it's Pizza Rat.
Keep in mind, there's a string on the other side of that bean.
So you don't eat the bean and someone catches you with it.
Yeah, you can take it back out and use it again.
And you're the best at sharing the bean.
Okay, Kevin, how are we looking?
Yeah, in terms of getting away.
Hello?
One of our two guests who are coming up next is in the waiting room and they're supposed to be
a combination like a combined guest they're a duo yeah it's a duo okay who's it gonna be and
you're thinking is that either of them on their own is not like enough not enough weight not enough
okay is it trump and mil, Mia? It could be.
That would be huge.
We can have one of them on now to join.
Okay, let's bring one of them in right now.
Are they going to match with this?
Let's let the Debras guess who the other person is.
I knew it.
Jeremy and Rajat, I knew it.
Are you serious right now?
Oh my God. Let's Rajat, I knew it. Are you serious right now? Oh, my God.
Zoom in on Jeremy Levick.
Oh, Jeremy must be on iPad.
Jeremy Levick did the thing.
Fresh off his big success doing another Hollywood.
I watched the entire thing.
Another send-up of Hollywood.
I watched the entire thing.
Who did anyone not watch? Who watched it and who didn't yeah i watched the entire thing who did anyone not watch who watched
it and who didn't i watched whole thing i saw like uh some clips were force-fed into my feet
like that friggin stuffing a goose i like i would turn my phone off and it would still the audio
would be playing no matter what i did yeah it was uh i mean
the great thing about the internet is it's really democratizing and the people can retweet what they
want and it's sort of a people's movement people would send it can exclusively retweet stuff about
themselves all day every day for a couple weeks at a time i mean that's that's just like something
the internet will allow i love the kind of the warmth that you guys are bringing
to this section of the podcast.
All I have to say is
Jeremy innocent.
Thank you.
Justice for Jeremy.
What do you say about Rajat?
For Rajat, I say
justice for Rajat.
What's up?
What's up, players?
Hashtag soaking wet Rajat. Is there a glow up happening? players hashtag soaking wet Rajat
is there a glow up happening
yeah
are you on the roof of the succession premiere
things are looking up after our big round table
video you know
check this out guys
I never
could have imagined what was on the other side are you worried that one of
them will need some equipment while you're podcasting yeah sorry i can't really pay
attention right now yeah at the game at the big game are you wet from playing? I'm wet from playing. Or wet from having to...
That's not from playing.
Every time a group ends,
Rajat takes them on a tour
of the showers.
I got to get back out
for the next game,
but you guys are going to be
cool in here?
Yeah, definitely.
I'll keep the showers warm.
All right.
And that loofah's for everybody where is sean where are you right
now are you in a classroom yeah i'm at school in a way oh yeah i had to go back to school
just um uh i really want to inherit my dad's hotel empire but uh i'm not gonna be allowed
unless i kind of prove that I can take things a little more
seriously than I have so I'm doing grades uh k through 12 like a week at a time totally
cool anyway so how's being youtubers and stuff it's awesome are yeah it's we went it's not quite as uh viral you know um
where where is it stacking out where is it what is it falling in between
which two videos which two videos do you have a guess no well it's doing i would say it's doing
quite well on youtube i think it's I think it's directly between two girls,
one cup,
and then the most famous flash mob.
Yes.
Yeah.
In terms of the rankings and views.
And here's what I have to say.
The boys don't miss.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what we call it.
Yeah.
We used to call ourselves the boys.
Yeah.
Not anymore. Not after our big YouTube video
and by big you mean long
I mean long
it's long
in a good way longest YouTube video
I've ever watched
thank you so much
in a good way
I mean this as a compliment I couldn't finish it but I got it I mean this in a good way thank you i mean this as a compliment i couldn't finish it
but i got hey i mean this in a good way i watched the whole thing and i loved it and
laughed the whole time but actually it wasn't that much longer than one of our podcasts that we do
we do it every day every day every single day we do that every day all All day. Yeah. Radio 24-7, you guys.
Have you guys been in this podcast like the whole time?
Are you like co-hosting or?
I can't really tell anymore.
We've sort of just been asking when the podcast is starting.
Not really getting a clear answer.
Basically, we came on and Sarah was here.
And then Sarah left.
And then we talked for like 10 minutes.
And then we got told the recording had started.
They don't know who Sarah is.
Oh.
Sarah Sherman squirm.
I figured.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
A lot of awesome stuff going on.
Are we doing the podcast right now? That's what they That's awesome. A lot of awesome stuff going on. Are we doing the podcast right now?
That's the question.
I guess now I wonder as well.
Who did we have last year, Kevin?
Yeah, run me through.
For our first three guests last year, do you remember?
Not the first three.
Just give me a minute, please.
Okay.
I think you had Angela Bassett doing the thing.
Blanchett Kate.
Blanchett Kate, she's a genius.
And Jamie Lee, you are all of us.
I thought what she said was nice.
Must have felt pretty good to hear that.
That you're all of us?
Yeah.
You are all of us, John.
Suresh is all of us.
I should put on my Rajat hat.
It's right over there. I can see it. Oh.h is all of us. I should put on my Rajat hat. It's right over there.
I can see it.
Oh,
Rajat Sir wet.
What?
Rajat Sir wet.
Yeah,
Rajat Sir wet.
That's what she's saying.
That's what that woman's saying.
And Rajat is soaking wet.
Suresh Rajat.
I just want to uplift
Jared Dry Leather
from Melissa. Jared Dry Levick Jared Dry Levick
Jared Dry Levick
Jared Dry Levick
Jeremy Levick not here yet
and she's pointing to an empty chair
it was Natalie Morales, Tim Simons
and Chris Fleming were the first three
okay look I love these
I love these guys
this crew
for me great We're the first three. Okay. Okay. Look, I love these. I love these guys. This crew.
Yeah.
This crew.
For me, great.
So fun.
I would love to hang out off pod anytime.
Okay.
So this is on pod.
We've said that, I think, every time you've asked this entire thing.
This is a podcast.
We do it all the time.
We do it all day.
We never stop doing this. Wait. So just to reiterate, this is the time. We do it all day. We never stop doing it.
Just to reiterate, this is the podcast.
Yes.
It's always the podcast. I just wanted to make it clear.
If you're seeing me, it's the podcast.
What did you do in the game, Rajad?
Did you do any moves?
What's your stat line?
I didn't do any moves.
I decided to do no moves.
I decided to have a no move.
The rope adult.
They're never going to see it coming when you do a move.
They're very into some moves.
I know.
The craziest moves.
Exactly.
Leave him open.
He doesn't do moves.
Exactly.
And then that's when I hit them with the move.
I got him.
I got him.
I can rest up a little bit because he has no moves.
Yeah. Yeah. Then all of a sudden bit because he has no moves. Yeah.
Here to that, man.
Cheers.
Rajat, did you tell people you were leaving the game?
I did, yeah.
I said I have to record a five-minute podcast.
And has the game gone on without you just fine?
What do you think?
Yeah, they're actually having more fun, I think, now.
So is this like Little League or is this...
How old are those guys, 12?
Little League?
Little League?
Are you kidding me?
Look at how big that guy is.
That guy's huge.
Yeah, I can't see their jersey real well.
Are those NBA players? Yeah, I can't see their jersey real well. Are those NBA players?
Yeah, I'm pork fried right now.
Oh.
Shit, man.
Hollywood reporter
on fake roundtables pay pretty
well, huh?
Yep, yep.
Who's playing the best today?
Not sure.
Everyone's had their moments.
That's really a politician answer.
Everyone's had their moments.
Rajat's around for office.
This guy's got media training.
He's so fucking polished.
You never catch him slipping.
Except when he's Rashad Wett
you'll catch everyone else slipping
while he's on his way
straight to the hole
there's gonna be a fucking slipping slide out here
Rashad Wett
he's giving slug
forget the trail he's the whole snail
and i used to live together and we also lived with a slug of a man oh that's true we did live
with a slug of a we lived with a very naturally wet man a guy that that was wet. He was wet. He was sopping wet. He was simply soaked all the time, yeah.
Do you remember that?
He was so wet.
Do you remember one time I came over
and he came in?
I think it was, right?
And I said,
oh, is it raining outside?
And he said, no.
Were you there?
Yeah.
I remember that.
It was Colin.
Are we doing the podcast right now
no it's sort of either like we actually aren't yeah we've stopped doing the podcast and you're
definitely not doing the podcast so thank you guys thank you so much thank you everyone awesome
awesome feeling we love you we love you we love you so much i love being on this podcast
with you as well thank you thank you oh my god wait it's just for just kevin just kicked off
yeah that could be that could work that might be what was off about the chemistry okay just
alissa and rajat is it our god my screen we're leaving right i can see your
screen oh okay kevin is there anyone else in the waiting room kevin's doing like a weakest link
thing kevin's obsessed with that show no one in the waiting room but i do have a few videos from
people who just couldn't make it tonight okay i think that'll be good for us to interact with
yes i think we need i think we need a clean. Bye. Yes.
Go.
Please leave.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait, I'm sorry.
I can't make the screen be full screen now.
Okay, Jeremy.
Jeremy.
Kick me out, please.
Jeremy, can you go to Mitra's house?
Please go away.
Please go away, Jeremy.
Because this man was doing so much for the country.
Is this one of the videos?
Yeah, yeah.
A fictional person who wasn't there
was just like...
Sounds like the dulcet tones of Justin Bieber.
That was incredible.
Wait, this is your video?
Is this the video of someone who couldn't be here?
How is Jeremy allowed to play his video right now?
Jeremy's got keys to the castle.
He can do whatever he wants.
Jeremy, please leave the podcast.
He couldn't possibly predict that.
Jeremy!
It already got so much more coverage than anything we've ever done.
We've been doing this for 20 years.
People are like, have you seen this?
We've made 2,000 episodes of the show.
It's my shit.
I see it every time I look in the mirror.
Yeah, I'm fucking seeing it right now.
I got a slight reflection off the phone.
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Hollywood Handbook.
Alright, well that was pretty cool. We can all
agree. And now here's
a special video coming from
my computer of a video
message from someone who couldn't make it.
Couldn't make it. It make it it's five minutes
it's five minute ask can't sit in front of a computer oh don't please oh gosh oh not five
minutes i guess i'll talk about how i was staving off the fear because it has abandoned me okay
i've got something of a project i'm going to win the White House Easter Egg Hunt
wow
I've decided to make it my mission this year
to win
to win the White House Easter Egg Hunt
which is finding the most eggs
yes
it's difficult to get a drone into the airspace
to discover the best hiding spots
i so i avoid i thought it was a roll an easter egg roll but i guess part of the project might be
like creating a more competitive element to this well i'd like to get my hands on the eggs come
rolling time and roll them into spots where i know i will be able to reach before anyone else okay and when i've gotten the most eggs that's when i doff my
cap to one president-elect mr joseph biden president-elect you call him still so your
conspiracy theory is that he was elected but he hasn't been fully sworn in yet.
I don't remember seeing it.
Okay.
And by the way, one of the things that I think I might find when I'm out there looking for all these eggs, Joe's keys.
Uh-huh.
He probably lost those, don't you think?
Okay.
And Hunter's laptop.
You think you'll find it? It's not that it's missing. I don't think think okay oh and uh hunter's laptop you think you'll find it it's not that
it's missing i don't i don't think it's not i'm not sure i ever totally understood that story
surely hillary's emails that are missing you'll agree that's a that was a good example i don't
agree with the premise but that is a great example for what you might find according to some of these conspiracy theories.
So that one does work.
Joe's keys, I guess, kind of works in the middle.
You know, the guy probably lost those, I would think.
Right, okay, because he's like,
Hey, while you're looking for the eggs,
let me know if you see my keys anywhere.
And yeah, that Hunter Biden laptop thing is... For the eggs. Let me know if you see my keys anywhere.
Okay.
And yeah, the Hunter Biden laptop thing is.
So what was going on with that?
I haven't looked into it that closely, but I know that they found.
It's not.
They have it.
They have it. So it's done.
It's done.
They found it.
Yes, they found it.
Congratulations to everyone involved.
Here's a video.
And this is my friend I haven't seen in a while.
And I'm ready to hear from him now.
Hey, guys.
Congratulations on another incredibly successful Tri-Month.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of everything you've done.
I'm so proud of the show.
I'm so proud to be here.
This guy makes a lot of content. It's Dem know this guy makes a lot of content it's demi he makes a lot
of content professionally and if that's the kind of room tone he wanted there's gotta be a reason
if it's in there then that's what he was that's what he was he is a sound genius so there's no
way that it's like because you're hearing it and you're going like it's not like fucking shit like
like there must be a mistake where there's like a loud fan i guess just out of frame yes and
couldn't he have moved it's like no that's part of the message he was going for yeah okay continue
you know recurring guest of trimount that was in the Masked Guest episode last year.
Wasn't last year. I just want to say I'm proud
of you. It was like four years ago.
And that, you know, I don't
want to, I want you to know there's no shame
in what you're doing, okay?
You know, the podcast landscape's
gotten so, so
big, and you know, it's
filled with all sorts of people doing all sorts of
crazy things, and some people are going to think that you guys are cowards for you know uh calling it this far
into the show but i don't i think you're brave i think it's strong and brave to know when to
hold them and when to fold them and stopping after 500 episodes i mean that you can't call
that a failure i call it a success i think think you both can have incredible lives now that this is done.
I know you hate doing this show.
I know it's a waste of your time.
Kevin told me.
He told me himself that you hate doing the show.
And now you're free.
And I just want to say congratulations on the 500 episodes.
You've come a long way.
You're quitting the show.
You're done.
The show's done.
It's over.
And I'm so proud of you both for ending it.
Because, I i mean the audience
the audience knows you guys have not been in this for a while so you know i think we can all agree
that this is for the best and we love you for that we love you for making the decision to end
the show on your terms okay doing not you know you're not ending it because uh is this over
the listeners are leaving is this over over, Kevin? How much longer?
Is this video over right now?
I think there's about 20, 30, 40 seconds left.
Is there that much?
Okay.
Did you tell him, Kevin,
to get him to do a video,
did you tell him, number one,
that it was the 500th episode,
and number two, that we were ending the show?
I mean, at the end of the day, we have a video, so.
Okay, well, I can't really argue with the results.
No matter what anyone on AV Club or Deadline or Vulture or any of the other NYMAG websites or Twitter,
or I think I've seen it on Instagram, no matter what anyone on any site says that you guys are,
you're great, and I love you.
Bye-bye.
That's kind of nice at the end.
Yeah, that was nice.
I like the idea that Deadline would talk about us.
And even that they would call us, I guess,
being cowards for ending our show.
That would be amazing.
That we're scared that we can't hack it in the new landscape. And so we're cowards because we're ending the show, that would be amazing. That we're scared that we can't hack it
in the new landscape.
And so we're cowards because we're ending the show.
That would be like they want us to...
First of all, they have an opinion about it.
And also they kind of want us to continue.
That's going to be really fired up to keep going.
Just imagining that.
Maybe I could do another 500.
Maybe we can get there.
What episode is this?
493-ish.
Great news, everyone.
Someone just joined the waiting room.
Okay, it kind of made me sick to hear that, but okay.
We had to vamp for so long with the Debras
when we had a video that we could have just gone to.
I know, I know.
And now I feel like I won't.
Is there another video?
I'm never really going to recover from just that part is one more video in the so we have one more person
and one more video uh we might have a few a lot of people been the internet's been crazy for people
what just happened inside your nose that sound
that can't happen so cannot happen on mike is there anyone who has has anyone just bailed
completely uh seems like it okay who did we just lose entirely lose entirely i mean jake johnson
said yes oh my god that would have been good and uh movie a movie. James Austin Johnson had a stand-up set
that he couldn't miss.
And Tommy Orange
had a thing come up.
Something come up.
That seems better than what we've had.
And again, I like those guys.
Oh, and John Hodgman was going to send a video.
He was
going to send a video.
Something new to promote too.
He's got a show okay i guess
we're like sub promotional is what i'm learning like jake's doing interviews promoting this like
indie movie that he like wrote and directed and starred in and as like about i think it either
just premiered at south by or it's about to and
so it feels like that would be something where you're like trying to passion project yes could
use all the juicy you can you can squeeze and this didn't rate five minutes on the show yeah
just to even mention that quick hit and get out it was not uh not worth it but someone's
waiting right now and john could have made a video anytime kevin yeah uh they can't they can't hear
anything uh i can hear kevin through the wall think about making a video like i mean i assume
you have like a week's notice i just watched demi do it it didn't seem that hard he was on he was on set
did you see that he was oh yeah he was clearly on set he's in village yes yeah no he's under a
little tent that was the bathroom truck i didn't want to set like to give his specific location
but while he was filming that video but the roar of that was the was the bathroom i know where he
is you do yeah what like what's that What show? He's in Puerto Rico.
Do you want to say more about it?
It's like a Netflix show.
It's like, how would I describe it to you?
It's like Entourage with Reggaeton.
Okay.
Yeah, none of that. None that is is doing anything for me you're gonna have to find different words okay um so ontagon it's like it's like ontaton with reggaetage
it's getting a little closer for me.
It's like octagon spaghetti sauce.
Hey, Kevin.
Yeah?
Oh, Kevin.
Hey, guys, this is Brett.
Kevin is occupied.
Is he in the bathroom? What the fuck does that mean?
Occupied?
In the middle of a fucking show
this is actually the show where we need
him to be on for the entire
show he absolutely should be
occupied because he
should be helping us last year we had like
11 guests they were
all like hitting this was
his idea he insisted
that we do is today so
far we've had I think remember the big success last
i think we've had three guests in one video hey you know how you know what i've noticed the fans
really love diminishing returns i guess if you say so so what about trying to recapture magic
but we've got something special that happened there's
another person in the waiting room i'll let them on as i figure out the technical
difficulties with the other guests okay
new guest are you there we can't see you you're on hollywood handbook
what's your beef chief no no beef at all i love you you guys. Oh, wow. Okay. Nothing but love. Sweet guy.
Yes.
So this is a good example of a guest who we would really benefit from having a full episode with and some time to prepare.
Some of the most famous episodes we've ever done have been with this guy right here the award-winning
are those all for writing yeah criminal yeah yeah yeah criminal cool some of them should be for
posting thank you so much their blog best blog yeah best tumblers. Best tumblers. Best bot buying.
You did it, Joe.
You really, you just burged your way into the center of the industry, didn't you?
I really did.
It's like Kamala said.
Comfy in there?
I got to tell you, the view from here, it looks comfy.
And you got a wga award recent some of those look pretty
hot and fresh out of the oven yeah well brand new huh i hate to say i have a daytime emmy
the daytime okay yes what was that for again oh you know my um famous work on the um independent film spirit awards
ah yes who could forget the best award show that happened during the day that year
yeah um i believe uh we tied we literally tied with um the jeopardy episode memorializing alex trebek so we tied a lot of laughs in both yeah yeah uh that that's
that's such a tremendous honor you know you go to a lot of awards shows what's the cardinal rule
something somebody like me would get wrong is it getting there too early is it
not splitting the limo with your buddies you know you got to get renting the tux
don't rent a tux and also you got to make sure that you you slow walk the red carpet really
force people to move you out of the way just so you get like maximum exposure
did you uh it's called a step and repeat i'm like as soon as i step through i'm gonna repeat it
it doesn't say step and repeat and then stop
do you did you do anything funny with your uh with your evening wear shoes like like uh like uh
like basketball shoes? Big fake dick
hanging out of your pits?
No, I don't need any help
from that department.
Okay.
I already have
a fake dick on at all times.
Squirty flower
corsage. Always good.
Big red shoes.
Here you go, Billy Bush. Get a whiff of this.
Yeah. Take that. big red shoes here you go Billy Bush get a whiff of this yeah take that
take that Melissa Rivers
Joe never a podcast though
huh must have thought about it
I
couldn't come up with a good idea
okay
has not stopped anyone ever
but we appreciate it yeah we're very grateful i don't
want to step on your guys's toes yeah thank you this is gratitude for the table please do not do
one that would be that would really not be good for us out of the water but also like i don't
want to ruin our dynamic i like what we have i do your podcast every like four years four years
yeah four years yeah and this counts unfortunately so
no that's what I'm saying I feel like we should
use this more effectively
you debuted a new special
of yours or something or even have
one audio clip to play
but of course we didn't know you would
be on the show no yeah
this was a huge mistake but were you to do a
podcast it would
slot in like kind of just ahead of ours.
It would take out our entire like piece of the pie that we have and just a tiny bit more than that.
Yeah.
A couple slivers of some other people, but all of ours.
sort of a advice sort of podcast about the industry um but make it a little more um esoteric and confusing just to like get yeah everyone i can tell you yeah you're gonna get a handful of people
um no i i did I congratulate you guys yet?
Congrats.
And Kevin, did you tell him as well that this was our 500th episode and that we were quitting
the show afterwards?
Joe, I'm, I'm, we're so thrilled to have you here, buddy, for this big celebration.
Okay.
It's not, it's not, it's not really a celebration.
It's not our 500th episode.
I don't, what we're going to do for that
is making my organs fail one by one
when I think about how disappointing
that episode is capable of being.
To get to 500, quite an achievement.
Yes.
Don't imagine we'll hit another milestone like that.
I'm so excited for you guys.
Here's to 500 more.
Okay.
Thank you, Joe.
Maybe this should just be that one.
We might want to hold this one, Kevin,
because at least we have some guests.
That's a good idea.
I could put some stuff in tomorrow's episode.
Okay.
That might be good.
Do we want to watch a video with Joe?
Joe, you want to watch?
We have a guest in the waiting room as well. Do we want to bring that? Are they friends with Joe? Joe, you want to watch? We have someone in another video. We have a guest in the waiting room as
well. Do we want to bring that?
Are they friends with Joe? Of course they are.
This guy knows fucking everybody
in town. There's going to be conflict.
If it's a fight, it could be really big for
our show. Come join,
friend in the chat.
They're coming in now.
Is that me? Yes, you're
the only one.
I was on for like a whole minute
before I realized I had to turn off.
And I just realized I wasn't muted.
So it's a good thing I was quiet.
Hi, Sona.
Hi, guys.
It's our 500th episode.
Yeah, thank God this is the last one.
Oh my God, I can't believe you lasted this long.
Yeah, congratulations. I mean, congratulations. Yeah, congratulations yeah this rocks hang on let me start a fight
feels amazing okay go ahead sona um joe uh is here he was just saying that um conan only uh
hired you as his assistant because you have uh the same three letters after the first letter of your date
oh my god oh this is so stupid oh that hurt so and i was like no way yeah you know i was pissed
yeah that's so stupid that's what i told him i said hey man you're being fucking stupid right
now like this is our guest this This is our friend, right?
It's a big special day for us.
Why are you trying to start some beef, chief?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it is true.
Because all you have to do is get rid of the last letter
and then change the first letter and it's my name.
Yeah, that's easy.
It's good with, like, stationary
because I could just scratch out the N,
change the C to an S,
scratch out his last name,
write in my name,
and then that's all I have to do.
And then I can use the stationary.
Get his prescriptions and stuff.
Yeah.
Take his parking spot.
And what are the prescriptions?
Yeah, what prescriptions are we picking up?
What prescriptions is he on?
Yeah.
Yeah, what's Conan's medication situation? I'm on some
recreational antibiotics and I'm
just sort of wondering what
What's a recreational antibiotic?
What my man's talking about. What isn't?
Yeah.
You guys,
by the way, have I
told you about my goal for this year?
Let's hear it. I'm going to
win the White House Easter egg hunt.
That rules.
I mean, you're up against a bunch of dumb little kids, man.
I think you got a good shot here.
I'm going to fuck them up.
They're so entitled.
I never got to do anything like that when I was a little kid.
And now it's my time.
I've earned it, and I'm going to straighten their ass out.
I'm going to get so many eggs.
And you know what else I might find there?
Ready?
Hayes.
Some of Hillary's emails.
Okay.
She said it was stupid,
but she's liking it.
Yeah. Hey, full full disclosure he's helped i help with that because he was saying hunter bryan's laptop and
i didn't really understand that story i i was i my understanding is that they found that already
i think that's not lost yeah right that needs to be lost, apparently. But it's her emails.
Right.
The problem with the Hunter thing is that he just comes off so cool.
Yeah.
It's actually impossible to say that.
He's just like smoking crack with his dick out.
Yes.
Playing with guns.
He's like, that's all.
He should run for president for the Republicans.
He's cool as hell.
And that was on the laptop?
Yeah.
And that's what they found?
That's stuff that a lot of our heroes do.
Okay.
It's not just that he does all those things.
He takes a picture of it.
Takes video.
Yeah, it'd be one thing if he were just doing that stuff, whatever.
He takes a video of it himself.
He goes, this will look great on my laptop.
Guys really like taking pictures of their dick, though, don't they?
Okay, yeah.
You've obviously got a whole thing on this, a whole chunk to get into.
So don't let us get in your way and i don't want like to give you a like a weird
impression of your boss because like because like acting like that's not like a weird like a weird
thing to do yeah everyone does it all the time that's like a totally normal thing and just
checking this like we are doing that for the patreon right yes i don't remember the rules for what we'll do on camera for the
patreon versus the we no longer have a relationship with sirius or any other network so yes this is
like a new it's all for patreon some of it's free but we'll um yeah we'll have we'll be uh
leaving some easter eggs of our own uh um, and an additional video that we're going to make.
Yeah.
Cool.
So what's the latest?
Uh,
I feel like we haven't talked in a little bit.
Um,
I think that's by design probably.
Right.
I think that I've,
I don't know that I would say I avoid you to God's plan,
but I wouldn't not say I avoid you to,
um,
nothing, nothing. you two god's plan but i wouldn't not say i avoid you two um nothing nothing got a lot of dick pics recently but other than that no i really don't there's nothing new at all i wanted to just
congratulate you on the 500th episode it's really exciting it's not episode 500 unfortunately. What episode is it? How many have you made?
I'm trying to think about it.
You don't know.
Kevin should know. Do we want to watch
the video with these two as well, Kevin?
Do we have the technology?
Somebody made us a video. Yeah, we have the technology
for that. Was Sona the one who was having technical
difficulties? Sorry to put you
on blast, Sona. Yeah, Hayes!
That's kind of disappointing for me, actually.
I was sort of hoping there was...
I could just imagine there was someone else
who had technical difficulties.
Cool up.
Five minutes.
Didn't have five minutes.
What up, my Hollywood handbook daddies?
What's up?
What? Why did Kevin ask me to do this?'s happening is this your anniversary is it your birthdays your collective birthdays the average between both of your birthdays
um i hope you're just like living life out loud and proud and bye
that's the correct level of effort yes it is right and and now i'm thinking again
of all of all the people who couldn't do this sona's here joe's here no you are actually now
like officially one of my like the one of the people i trust most in the world to be there for
me yeah the fact that you
didn't make a 27 second video where you said you didn't know what was going on but instead came
into the zoom said hi to joe said nothing was going on at all when i asked you what's up or
what's new like that's a ride or die yeah Yeah, you're welcome, guys.
Did you expect me to have a chunk prepared?
Because I'm not like Joe.
I don't have a good mind. Sona, you are enough.
Remember that for me, please.
Oh, fuck you so much.
Will you promise me, Sona?
Will you promise me something right now
that you will remember that you are enough?
And just because you don't have a big Hacks cup.
Yeah.
Just because you don't have a Hacks hat.
And a Hacks hat.
Or a Hacks water bottle.
You know what I mean?
This stuff, that's material stuff.
Yes.
Just because you haven't cracked the code of how to make people laugh
and feel something yeah at the same time because you just don't have anything to say about uh
female friendship do i have anything to say about female friendship and yeah i hope so you love
female friendship i i'm a i'm really good at female friendship would you agree it's complex no
it's not complex okay what do you know about female friendship what do you two dicks know
about it anyway you don't know anything maybe about female friendship it's called dicks
it's about men doing that stuff okay that's actually the spin-off i'm trying to get it's
the same it's the same font hacks for dudes it's just men chopping it up yeah dude because there
hasn't been a show about like male stand-up yeah guys yeah just fucking bros getting in there oh god yes who's the male gene smart hacks but it's
a little different the male gene smart yeah that's what we need to find someone who like
who's the male gene smart zona john travolta okay yeah I don't know
I mean we could go
we could do John Travolta
John Renault
that's helpful
it should be
John Renault
I haven't seen him in a little while
I'm sure he looks amazing.
Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.
I'm trying to think, though, of another guy.
John Renaud, same thing.
We never talk about the accent or whatever.
He's an American stand-up comedian.
Yeah, a legend.
A legend in Vegas.
Yeah, sort of like a Don Rickles type.
With a thick
French accent.
And every
episode, it's also a spy thriller. He's always
getting into high-speed chases.
Shooting people through a peephole.
Sona, do you watch Hacks?
I do.
Wouldn't know it from your take on female friendship yeah what
what's my take on female friendship no i'm not asking for your take on female friend sona you
i just asked you to remember that you're enough and you promised yeah well now now she wants me
to know her take okay tell me your take i thought i heard it do we have anyone else kevin i just i love
female friendship i just think it's a nice thing to have yeah i sent a hey just checking in uh for
someone who said yes uh but it's looking like uh this is a home stretch everyone all right let's
keep breaking hacks for dudes i am this might be a good time to pitch. I have
MFTs for sale,
which are
tokens.
I'll make sure all three
of you get some.
That would be great.
Everyone else should buy
some. A vacuum has been created in the market.
How much are they?
I think they're $5. I should check
my website what's
it sound like when you hit a you got a fork or something there i just want people to it's it's
audible mostly this thing so they need to know what it sounds like when you okay it's totally
silent you know what the zoom is detecting that it's like background noise basically yeah i love
these moments when you guys introduce something or like build something up and that it's like background noise, basically. Yeah. I love these moments when you guys introduce something
or like build something up and then it's just silence.
It's the first time that's ever happened.
Well, that and that video you shot.
That's not a figure of the show.
That video you were going to show us,
I didn't hear anything.
Was I supposed to hear something?
Oh, you couldn't hear the video?
No.
No, that's what we were laughing at.
It was dead silent.
Oh, you would have loved it.
Oh my God, it was so funny.
It was so funny.
You guys have to check out this episode when it drops.
It was dead silent.
Oh my God, it was so funny.
I had no idea.
It was cool off in a dark parking lot.
You guys, you're going to love this video when you watch.
You'll be laughing for a whole different reason.
And it was someone really, really famous.
Well, he said already that he knew it was Gulop in a parking lot.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, we saw it.
We just couldn't hear it.
We saw it.
We couldn't hear it.
Yeah.
Which, you know, honestly.
But she was talking to someone famous off camera,
a very recognizable voice.
Yeah.
Not this person, obviously, but like an Alan Rickman type voice
where you like know it right away.
Yeah.
Was it John Travolta? It was john john john travolta john travolta do you guys want to hear the story
about when john travolta asked me to take my shirt off yes finally finally this this could really help. This might help the show. Yes. So I'm on set.
Oops.
And John has to do his testimonial section.
It's towards the end of the day.
And he is, of course, wearing like a fringe leather vest.
Of course.
And he's sitting on a chair.
And he keeps getting a couple lines through
and having to stop and then having to stop again and we're going like okay and he's like let me
try it again let me try again he's like does no one else hear that squeaking and we're like uh
what do you mean he's like the chair is squeaky my leather is squeaking against the chair
and we're going like, oh, sorry.
And he's like, I need a different chair.
We're like, well, we filmed everyone else in this chair.
It's going to look really weird.
If you're the only one in a different chair,
it's the same shot for everyone.
He's like, I need a different chair.
So then they bring in a different chair.
By the way, it was a very sweet man the whole time.
So then he starts going again.
And there's that squeak and so he says like okay it wasn't the chair i need something in between my leather and the chair and they go
we've got a big fur cape that we can put around you and wardrobe goes okay we'll go get it and
they go running off he's like i don't need a special cape or anything it could be anything it could be his shirt i'm sitting on this young man
shirt right here i'm sitting on an apple box just off camera kind of chilling out have have pretty
much checked out i'm not gonna fly in with any notes you're minding your own business just like with dumbbells just so i'm sort of just looking at my phone like i didn't ever think
this was gonna come back for me it was like his shirt and i was like right okay that's a good
example of a piece of material and then he said will you give me your shirt and i was like um yes and i began unbuttoning the little shirt
that i had on and i had but a single button left to go when someone from wardrobe came in
with a different piece of material and put it behind
him you got all the way down
to your bottom button yeah
I was undoing it well he was doing
a little dance as he was
sure well it's showbiz you know what I
mean I gotta put some sauce on it
and I got down to the very last
button and as I'm undoing it they came
in and they put something else behind him
and then he turned and he nailed it one take and we were all ready to go home
so thanks john yeah and i've always got that shirt around if you need it
and we don't have anyone else kevin no i think that's a great story to end on
okay okay bye And we don't have anyone else, Kevin? No, I think that's a great story to end on. Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Hollywood Handbook.
That was a Hate Gum podcast.