How Did This Get Made? - Fifty Shades Freed LIVE! (w/ Chelsea Devantez)

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

Chelsea Devantez (Glamorous Trash) joins Paul and Jason to complete the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy by breaking down 2018's Fifty Shades Freed starring Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, and three confusingly identical blonde actresses. LIVE from Largo, they discuss the gross ice cream sex scene, the car chase sequence, HR Liz, how Christian should've looked more like Jack Reacher, and so much more. Plus, a sick June calls in with a special guest to tell us the part of the movie that offended her the most.  Chelsea's comedy-gal memoir "I Shouldn't Be Telling You This (But I'm Going To Anyway)" drops June 4th & you can pre-order it here. Go to hdtgm.com for tour dates, merch, and more.Pre-Order Paul’s book about his childhood, Joyful Recollections of Trauma, wherever books are soldFor extra Matinee Monday content, visit Paul's YouTube page: youtube.com/paulscheerHDTGM Discord: discord.gg/hdtgmPaul’s Discord: discord.gg/paulscheerFollow Paul on Letterboxd: letterboxd.com/paulscheer/Check out Paul and Rob Huebel live on Twitch (www.twitch.tv/friendzone) every Thursday 8-10pm ESTSubscribe to Unspooled with Paul and Amy Nicholson here: listen.earwolf.com/unspooledSubscribe to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael here: www.thedeepdiveacademy.com/podcastCheck out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comCheck out new HDTGM merch over at https://www.teepublic.com/stores/hdtgmWhere to find Jason, June & Paul:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is not on Twitter

Abductions, car chases, shootings, butt plugs, and babies. We saw 50 Shades Freed, so you know what that means. Sports and A&M, go a bit through his belly like a woman Snow Vest, Guam, Rippin' Justin and Kelly A minute, see a bird last show with Nick Frode And take a bow with speed to hit the crew's control Jay Mim, Big Paul, and the beautiful June Gonna take you from the groove all the way to the road Rain your games to Street Fighter, hope to blow off steam Just a sucker, punch the odd lights, attempt to break shot

Middle of the birdemic, how we standin' alive They call me them, they're bad bad ass and he's on the line. Cranking 88 minutes cause they cool as ice. Cause a bad Jim Bonny looking kind tonight. Calling Jim, getting little, Jason is getting lame. Julis making sure all the monkey shots get the pain. They're just a bunch of movies, while they making the grade. Here's a real question for you, how did this get mad?

Hello, people of Los Angeles! And hello, people of Largo! We are live in our LA home here at the Largo Theater at the Coronet. Boy, oh boy, it is a night. The third part of the Fifty Shades trilogy. What's happening in the wonderful world of Anastasia and Christian Grey? Well, I'll tell you, not much.

They're married. People are out to get them. They know immediately who it is. And every problem is solved quicker than when they say it. They say the problem, it is solved. It is like many episodes of Entourage. It all builds to a very satisfying conclusion, and it does include a post-credit scene. I hope you all watch that. Now tonight, we are going to break it down, but first, please welcome my co-host, Mr.

Jason Manzoukas. What's up, jerks? How we doing? What's up, jerks? How we doing, Largo? That's right. Night three. Paul, you just said about this movie that it all ends very satisfyingly, and I have to disagree. This movie's...

This entire tri... I'm furious... that this has happened to me. These three nights have been a harrowing descent into, I don't even know, not sexy, unhorny hell. That's what hell is to me. I was eating a burrito and watching a scene

of people fucking and being like... I folded laundry and washed dishes to people fucking in a sex dungeon room, which should be something I... It should be a keyword search that I do at 2 o'clock in the morning. Now. I'm watching it broad daylight, and I'm like, oh, this soup really caked onto this pan. Now, what I will say is that...

I'm going harder at the pan than he's going at herb. What is this? Here's what I will say. Was this a tough watch? Yes, it was. But when they get to that fast and furious mind Here's what I will say. Was this a tough watch? Yes, it was. But when they get to that fast and furious montage. Oh my God.

At the end, I cried. And I was sad to let these people out of my lives. For three days I've lived in their world. Did they? And even though nothing has happened, I wanted more. I feel like the events of the movies take place in three days. Oh, easily. Like, I feel like if you told me the entirety of them

meeting to them at the end of the movie with Teddy, the child's name is Teddy? Well, I mean, yes. Maybe it's two weeks. Well... Maybe! Well, here's what I'll say. Including gestation and birth.

She's got something that happened that... Yeah, it goes very quickly. Here's what I'll say. We know from the second movie that she has a job for less than two weeks that she starts. So we know that that's a marker of time. Then she gets proposed to. It seems like she may have gotten married for less than two weeks that she starts. So we know that that's a marker of time.

Then she gets proposed to. It seems like she may have gotten married the day after she got proposed to. The days, within days. They have a world spanning honeymoon. Yes. Right, that was last night or tonight? No, that's tonight.

That's tonight. I'm so unwell. No, I am also now getting blurred. I'm in a, like, fugue state. I spent so much time with these two people that I don't know if I'm in their life or their mind. That's what I felt. Like, when this ended, I felt like, no, where will I do? This is like the Matrix, the worst version of the Matrix.

I think I might be... I Matrix, the worst version of the Matrix. I think I might be, I might be a creation of E.L. James. You know what I'm afraid of? The insanity that's on screen is now normalized to me. That's what I think too. I think I've watched so much. And I'm like, well, of course, get his fuck jeans out. And then I'm like, wait a minute.

This movie. I gotta remember that these his fuck jeans out. And then I'm like, wait a minute. This movie. I gotta remember that these are fuck jeans. What are we doing? This movie ends with the gently, the light placing and smoothing out of fuck jeans. Like that is one of the final moments. Like, get his fuck jeans out. Honey, time to fuck me.

Like, it's a very weird, weird ending. I have thoughts on the ending. I have a lot of big thoughts, but tonight we have a very special guest. She is the host of her own podcast, which is fantastic. They talk about celebrity autobiographies. They talk about reality TV. The podcast is called Glamorous Trash.

She also has a book coming out called, I Shouldn't Be Telling You This, you can pre-order right now. Please welcome Chelsea Devantes. (*audience cheering*) Welcome, welcome Chelsea. Thank you, thank you. Also, we're so sorry.

Yeah, I accept, I accept. Although I've just, I came so hard today. I'm so tired. So tired for this podcast. I was hearing you talk about the timeline. I also want to point out that when he meets her, she's a college senior. Yes.

So this woman is like 20 years old. But he's 27. Yes, Yes, but He also turns 28 and movie too and maybe too, okay But that means like at the end when she has all these babies 20 at most 21 21 you think maybe I mean what she does I mean what she does. I mean she is a Fresh out of college student who within the course of three and a half weeks, has sex for the first time, gets out of a relationship,

goes back into a relationship, gets her dream job, gets almost raped at her dream job, gets her boss fired, takes over her boss's job, gets married to the person that she broke up with, and then is chased, kills somebody,

or hurts them badly, and then has two babies. Two babies. She also... That's a lot. She also evades the security detail that's been assigned to her, takes five million dollars out of the bank. Like, it goes through, like you said,

a Fast and Furious-style car chase, where apparently everybody in Seattle drives an Audi. That's just what we're doing. And I was like, at what point? We've spent three movies now with Taylor and the security detail, and they are worthless. No, this is the way.

They do zero. They are so bad. Justice for Taylor. They are so bad. The security detail on this would be so bad that when they capture a person that is trying to abduct her in her own home, they're like, we don't have any handcuffs. We don't know how to restrain this person.

We don't know what to do. No, zip ties. Our hands aren't enough any handcuffs. Yeah. We don't know how to restrain this person. We don't know what to do. No zip ties. Our hands aren't enough to hold this. Owie. Both Anastasia Steele, again, a name I will never think is a real name, it makes it only seem more like this is Skinimax, but both she and Mia, the sister, are able to just effortlessly evade their security detail and that is chilling I do want to I want to just check in with you Chelsea because

You know, obviously we've watched all three just talk us through where you came in on the Fifty Shades world Like did you read the book? Yes. Yeah, so about nine years ago I had a feeling I'd be on this show and I was like I should read this book So I did I did I read read this book. So I did. I read the original book. Did you guys read? I read pieces of it. You read pieces of it?

I owned it. So I'm a writer. I support publishing. Independent publishers. That's right. So we're both writers and I read the book, but I'm not one of those writers who cares. I'm not like, oh, grammar or like, I'm not like that. And that book, the sentence structure, the grammar, the commas was obscene to the point

where I think E.L. James was like, every comma is a dick. I think she- Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma, comma. I think she calls them commas. Commas. Last show of the week, everybody. Last show. That's the shirt. That's my best joke.

That's it. So I'm going to get better. You're done. That's it. That's the peak for me. Well, she also calls, you know, when she's writing, she's like, he touched my down there. Yes. I'm like, you're going to cook.

Wait, how are we just finding this out? My down there. Yes. I'm like, you're going to... How are we just finding this out? Oh, no. Well... My down there. No. Yes. And she also refers to herself as her inner goddess, right? Inner goddess is a big term. Inner goddess, I can kind of understand, but touching your down there is too much an immature,

childish way to talk about... Exactly. Also, but you know, she's the other really important part of the book. I don't know. This blows my mind. She didn't have a laptop. What? to talk about. Exactly. Also, but you know, she's the other really important part of the book. This blows my mind. She didn't have a laptop. What? Do you remember this? No.

So, Anastasia's in college. Oh, I thought you meant E.L. James. Maybe. She wrote it longhand. By the way, that would make sense. Like I went to the library, you there. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. Anastasia, Anastasia Steele, she's like in college and she's like, in Christian Grey's like, here, you need a laptop. She's like, what? In these movies, she's constantly gifting her tech. A phone, a this, a that. Yeah, but I'm worried about, I'm worried about her. I'm worried about Yale James, honestly.

Have we checked on her? Well, I mean, Yale James, I feel feel like we were talking about this last night. There is something very like... Like, this movie is like, oh, I like to walk on the wild side, which means breaking a man of the habits that he has, marrying him and having kids. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it presents like, ooh, but then it's also, it's all super vanilla.

This is our sexiest book, and she's like, be a husband and make, I'm a mom now. Yeah. I was like- I'll have as many kids as you want. It seems as though, and cause I did not process these books at all, and what I understood was that it was this

incredibly sexual descent into this world of BDSM and all sorts of other kinks and so forth. And then it is so vanilla inside of it. There's like, there'll be handcuffs and then just missionary fucking. Yes, yes. I think in this world. There's no long language teasing.

There's no nothing. Well, the book, I have to say, the books are a lot hotter. I bet. And a lot dirtier than, which is sad, because they're fine. Um, but in the movie... Should we do the books?

How did this get written? The scene that crushed me... The answer is with one and. I still got it. There was more than Cuz. Oh, wow, you're ready to colors. You're ready to go. It's a Friday night. Do you remember this scene when he's like,

you hung out with your friends. And that's not allowed. And I'm like, this is again what's hot to us, whatever. And he's like, so you're going to be punished. And then he pulls out a vibrator half the size of the microphone. And he's like, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr was, and again, we've talked about sex a lot in these films, but that was to me the most graphic scene because it was like in between her underwear. It was in there. But it was so small.

Yeah, well, yes. Like, this is Fifty Shades of Grey. You only got the Walmart thumb vibrator you buy in secret when you're checking out. I swear to God, it's the base of an electric toothbrush. Yes. It's not even a vibrator. It's the thing you grab to be like, I don't know, maybe this. But what I love about that scene is like, and this is the thing, Christian Grey is like super redeemable at points

and then goes right back to being a fucking asshole. You're like, oh, so he's like, you find out in that scene, like he brought her into the Red Room to torture her for promising one thing and then doing another. And she's like, ho ho, Red Red. She calls out her safe word. This is the first and only time she uses the safe word.

And it was, I just want to make it very clear. It's because he put the vibrator up to her three times and then pulled away and she's like, Red, Red, Red! Right. And she's like, I almost came and then I did it, you monster! Yeah.

That was as rough, that's as rough as it gets. Yeah. Almost coming, blue balls. Yes, you're teasing me too much, Red! But then- No one wants to be teased during sex! But then you have this moment where she's like, I can't believe you did this. You used the Red Room to prove your point.

And he's like, yeah. And she's like, okay, let's get back to the mystery. So who do you think is after us? And I was like... And as long as it's not Kim Basinger, because she's not in the movie, we can keep going. We set up a villain in the first two movies that is simply not there in the third.

She's a text message. Oh, right. One text message. She sends a text message. I kept waiting for her to arrive. But then this is... Who do we get? H.R. Liz. I was like, Liz from H.R., what are you doing here?

Well, this is the craziest thing this movie... She's here to conduct an exit interview. How did this get made? How did this get made? This movie is constantly setting up villains and premises that they don't pay... It's like they set up this whole thing that Anastasia's friend Kate, I have a lot to say about Kate, is nervous that her... Oh, also, thank God Kate got engaged.

Well, but by the way, Kate gets engaged. She's like, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. Then they set up Anastasia seeing, like, this person touching his face, and then he proposes to her, and it's like, was he? Yeah, and then she's like, he's like, I asked my ex to help me pick out the ring. And she's like, okay, and then that's it.

It's gone though. And boy, I hope someday I am in love and I have a relationship and I can get down on one knee in the middle of a crowded Aspen nightclub and in front of strangers and some family and friends, propose to that lucky gal and then dance the night away.

It is bonkers. Now, I will say. Kate should say no. And we never know what happened with her. And wait, just real quick. The movie begins at their wedding. And again, this whole thing was written for women. Women are the demo.

The wedding's hideous. I was like, you had one job. But give us a nice wedding. No, no, no wedding. And they want to get out of the wedding so quick. It's like they don't give you any pomp and circumstance. They don't even even a scene. It's a montage.

It's like the opening credits. Although I did see that Jose is working the wedding. Jose is her photographer friend who took a lot of like photos of her in the second one. And at one point Jose's is running around with the camera like you hired Jose, your buddy shouldn't be taking the pictures, let Jose enjoy the party. That's not, I'm glad he was there. Kate is in a really ugly dress. I was like, that's rude of you.

They only had two days to get their outfits. You're right, you're right. But did you notice that the wedding ended at what appeared to be 11 a.m.? Yeah. It was early. It was, like sun was like at its peak and they were like running out. When they get to the airplane, they've already changed

and it's not even noon. No. They're gone. It's so interesting, like the scale and scope in the second movie, there's a sex, no, a not sexy masquerade ball with hundreds of extras and massive set piece and blah, blah, blah. The wedding should have had that kind of feel

and there isn't anything. This movie takes place in small rooms with just a handful of, I almost feel like this is like an indie film version of the movie. I thought at a certain point, the way they started filming it, like we were never gonna see people.

I was like, oh, they're getting married by themselves. But then when they escape the wedding, they're like, get the fuck out of here. I don't wanna share you with these people. I guess. Our loved ones who you are not allowed to see anymore. Yeah. Or I'll fuck you in the red room.

It's so bizarre. Clumsily and boringly. Yeah. These people are bad at sex, period. Very bad. I did appreciate that this movie takes the bold choice to have her start going down on him, because all he does, his movie is just like, I'm going down.

Like, he's always starting at the bottom and working his way up. Covered in ice cream. Covered in ice cream. You are gonna smell like bad milk tomorrow. You're gonna, you're spoiling as we speak. Can I tell you my, my, I was watching the movie, also folding laundry, weird. My husband came in he was like, oh my god, so there's like cum all over her leg? And

I was like, no it's a product placement for Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, Ben and Jerry's was in the last movie too. Yeah, and he just puts some on her leg and like eats it and she came from it and I was like... She's always coming. She comes a lot. I do like that for her. But what I like about her is like, that's her attitude is someone's always coming because she, like, even when they popped up playing,

she's like, you own this? That's what she says in every movie. Yeah, yeah. She's always surprised. Have they never spoken? Like, they don't... You know what they haven't? They literally have never had a conversation.

They don't have real conversations. We know... But the Bachelor. We know this, yeah, because they are already married and have not had a conversation about whether they want children or not. Yes. Which I...

She was like, you want kids, right, husband? Wait, how did that not come up? And he's like, no! I hate children! How could you do this to me? She's like, I'm pregnant. Yeah. That pregnancy scene, when she reveals that,

he gets so mad. He's very dark. And it's, and what I love about this movie is that, like, those are the moments where they go there, where it's like, I don't want kids because kids are going to take you away from me. I'm like, oof, that's a tough thought. Again, those things make me feel like both of these people have the emotional intelligence

of 16-year-olds. Yes. They are children, even though they're adults. No, they're two people under- No, she's a child still. They are acting like children. They're two people under 30. They barely got their shit figured out.

I mean, I like- Yeah, so if you're under 30, go fuck yourself, says Paul Scheer. All I'm saying is this, you don't wanna be held accountable for the decisions you make before 25. No, no. That's a terrible place to be.

Oh, you shouldn't be allowed to get married under 30. Yeah. I like that as a rule. And if you're over 50, it's cool. You can still get married someday. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. My favorite scene that's not in the movie,

but I wanted to see is, like, they go to France. They're having this beautiful, you know, French honeymoon. wanted to see is like they go to France are having this beautiful you know French honeymoon and at one point they go like does he have to be with us and they cut the Taylor the bodyguard Taylor getting a little bit more update no yeah he's fucking useless but what I loved about Taylor was like at one point they he's like let's go back to the boat and then they get on jet skis and they jet ski off and I'm like just saying I wanted the camera to pan over and just see Taylor on his own little jet ski like,

mm, like, because he's gotta get back to the boat too. In the scene where they're racing Audis, where it becomes Fast and Furious. When they drive away from the new house and Christian is like, you drive. Because she told that architect to go fuck herself. Yeah. Incredible, can we play the whole scene?

Great. And then I'll say my dumb bit afterwards. This architect scene is one of my favorite things. This is again, she was a demure Mormon virgin, I believe eight days prior to this. Yes, yes. She's becoming as evil as Christian Grey in this scene. She has surpassed.

Please stop speaking to my husband as if I weren't here. Anna, I have designed many prestige projects. You may call me Mrs. Grey, and this is not a prestige project. This is gonna be our home. So if you want this job, I suggest you stop making eyes at my husband and keep your hands to yourself.

Or you can go and climb back into your shit-colored car and drive back to see. It's up to you. Look, I'm sorry, Mrs. Gray, but I would never... It won't happen again. Is everything okay? Yeah. I don't even understand that term.

We were just discussing an alternative approach. Like, what is that term? Like, what is that term where she's like... Oh, oh. Like, why is she going all demure in that moment? Oh, that woman's acting is in the same movie as Marcia Gay Harden. Yeah.

I fucking... The movie's insults are so ridiculous. Shit-colored cards. That's actually her best line of dialogue. 100% it is. By the way, they have more chemistry than Anastasia and Christian Grey. All I want is to watch them kiss.

Yes! Yes! That was hot. That's red hot, that scene. But I will say this. It was confusing because when she popped on screen, I was like, wait a second. Is that Kate? Because which blonde is who? This is a movie... where these are three different characters. What is so crazy is that one of them is Rita Ora. Yes, yes. Like how did you make

Rita Ora look like Kate? Oh no. Fine. Were you coming? Yeah I just came. I mean this. You said Rita Ora and I was like... I mean, if you take a Rita Ora out of the equation, like, just keep the two. I was confused. I was confused. It is consistently confused. Yes. Yes. Because they're all intermixed around.

And also, Casey Dutton, the brother, what's his name? I can't remember his name. He's Casey Dutton of Yellowstone. Elliot. Elliot is, gets engaged to Kate during this, but we then see him on the street talking to the architect. Which I thought was maybe- That was the architect.

That was the architect. Yes, so- What? Yes, that's what I'm saying. So I'm like, why is the architect there? And then I'm like, is he- Their world is so small. I thought he was as confused as I am. He's like, oh, that's my girlfriend.

And he's like, no, oh, that's my ex-girlfriend. That's what she should have said when Kate is like, I don't know, he might be cheating on me with the architect. She should have been like, oh, he probably thinks the architect is you. Okay, but then that means the architect is like, I'll fuck you, I'll fuck you. The architect is fucking brothers? I don't understand, yeah, I don't understand means the architect is like, I'll fuck you, I'll fuck you. The architect is fucking brothers?

I don't understand what the architect wanted from anything really. She wanted to make a nice home. Prestige, a prestige project. And you know, architects, the one thing that architects love is taking down a house with a lot of character and making it into a steel. A modern home.

When they leave the house, after that. When they leave the house with that, after that scene, they leave the house and he's like, you handled her so well, why don't you drive us home or whatever. And then she peels out and she's driving fast and furious now. So Anastasia Steel is able to shake the tail that is Taylor and the security detail,

but somehow H.R. Liz is unshakable. This is a woman who's driving her personal car and is again, the head of HR for a publishing house. And she is better at tailing them all over the city from the woods to downtown. But my question is this. And the security team is like, we lost her, we lost you. We don't know where we are.

I think we're in Canada. Uh-oh, boss. It's fucking Keystone Cops over here. This is where the movie makes no sense, because they're being tailed, but to what end? Like, they just go back and forth to home and some other, they're gonna be home in a little bit. Also like the guy in the end who's gonna hold her up

for not the money, so I don't know what, he's not out of jail yet. So Liz is just... Tailing her to keep tabs on her for him? But they know that they always go home. They always go home. I agree. Guys, I didn't make the movie. Okay. Don't be mad at me. The other thing about this is the creative, because again, that thrillers are based in

the idea that like, who could it be? There's a mystery. On the first day of their honeymoon, they're like, Mr. Grey, there's a server fire. And here's the footage. And then immediately, Anna says, oh, they're like, Mr. Grey, there's a server fire. And here's the footage. And then immediately, Anna says, like, oh, that's my old boss.

Yeah. Like, how are they not? Immediately, they're like, oh, yeah, it is. They know it is. How are they not on this guy? This guy has been a creep since the last movie. The movie, it's as if they said in the first movie, you know what, this movie needs villains. So in movie two, they're like, here's as if they said in the first movie, you know what, this movie needs villains.

So in movie two, they're like, here's four villains. And then in this movie, they're like, JK, just one villain. Oh, oh, but a secret villain is now revealed, which is H.R. Liz, somebody who's, I think, been an ally this whole time. But also, it doesn't make sense because they don't reveal what they capture and kill the villain. And then it's like an epilogue.

It's like, you know why he was doing that? And it's like, oh, it was like, it has a credits. It's like, Okay, so I thought maybe you, cause I didn't watch movie number two, cause I don't hate myself. They go down very smooth. I thought maybe I missed something where I was, no. They never reveal it.

So he's like, he knows that guy? So at the, like maybe 15 minutes in or something happened and I was like, oh, wait a minute. And I called it in a way that I think is a, I'm punching it up into a better movie because Christian Grey doesn't remember so much of his young life. I thought Jack was going to be revealed to be his brother.

His brother. I thought he was his brother be revealed to be his brother. His brother. I thought he was his brother till this moment. Yeah. Boy. So he's not? It would be a better movie. They shared a foster home for a brief period of time. And then basically someone came to adopt, like he's mad.

Marcia Gay Harden came and adopted Christian Grey and God. And he's mad that like they picked him over him, which is almost like a puppy litter. What makes that so, so, so insane? Because wasn't that in Detroit? Yes. That's in Detroit. OK. Anastasia Steele gets a job at SIP, the publishing

house in Seattle. Jack is her boss. Has no connection yet to Christian Grey. Christian Grey then buys the publishing company So for this dude Jack all of a sudden his foster brother comes and buys his publishing house Yes Well, you're that's only but that's only later like I would say this his long play is this Okay

I'm going to become a famous publisher I got that and then I'm gonna wait like because for all. I got that. And then I'm going to wait to, like, because for all of this to work, TV. It doesn't, no, no. It has to occur to him only when he realizes that his assistant is dating his ex-rival. Oh, you see, I thought the plan was longer. Like, I thought he was like, I know his type.

And eventually, he'll find her. If I'm in the right position to hire her, then I'll get her. Because he's got a long plan, because even for her to get that interview, to get there, there's no, and then he's at the party. There's so many ways of him, yeah. I know his type. A girl with medium brown hair, kind of normal.

Well here's the... He'll never be able to resist this person. Here's the wild reveal in the second movie. The wild reveal in the second movie is that all of the women that Christian Grey, he has had 15 women in the Red Room and that all of them look like his dead mother, including Anastasia Steele. He's working some sort of... Some sort of...

...edible thing out. ...mediocre brunette fuck house. But, and again, and I'll bring this up in every episode, he's also dealing with trauma because he was raped by Kim Basinger when he was 15. That's right. So he's also... While she was quote unquote teaching him how to fuck. Yes.

Yes, yes. Because I was going to say rape feels like a word that you've chosen and the book was like it was hot. Yeah, yeah. They never say it, but people are like that is it. It's true. It's definitively rape. Oh yeah. Yeah, he was 15 years old.

She's a pedophile. Yeah, but she's also his good friend and he doesn't see any problem with it. Not at all. And he's still in contact. As a matter of fact, in a time of need, he's like, I should go talk to that person. And he doesn't think his wife should have any problem with it. I told you, she's just a friend.

We're just friends. I'm just friends with my former pedophile rapist. Get over it. I own her blow dry bar, but that's not a big deal. She's very talented. The good investments. Both of them are so jealous, childishly jealous. Yeah. Yeah.

Like about the, about casual experiences that, or his isn't so casual, but they're so like fly off the handle jealous. Oh yeah. In a way that I'm like, again, it's, they are so, they're just, they're just children so that they are so immature so that then when it is them fucking, I'm like, I don't want this. Maybe you shouldn't. Wait, I would-

It's too earnest. It's too something. Yeah, I have another question. Okay, so Mia is his sister though, right? Adopted sister. He is adopted. He's adopted. Right, but then she came from the foster home? No.

So then that brother- I think Mia, I think Casey Dutton, Elliot. Mia and Elliot, I assume are the biological, although it's never been the answer. Maybe all the kids are adopted, who knows? Yeah. They're all adopted. They're all adopted, okay.

And she's from a different, right. I also, I really love the theme in this movie. Thank you. They're all adopted. Someone's on it. I also really love the theme in this movie where they're like, and why is everyone bad and gross? They were adopted.

Ah! Well, no, the most damning line in this movie, and I wrote it down because it was like, it really bummed me out because there's a moment where it's revealed that Jack, Jack is mad that that family picked Christian instead of him, right? And she was like, I know you, and you would never be a psychopath like this guy.

And it's like, so she's basically saying like, he, like his, help me. It's nature nurture. Yeah, sorry, I'm not saying it the right way. E.L. James isn't interested in interrogating any of what you're talking about. She's interested in butt plugs. Right, right.

Well, that's like the movie, movie one sets up like, you'll never put anything in my butt, and movie three is like, I'm okay with it. No, movie one is, movie one is you'll never put anything in my butt, and movie three is like, ooh. But I guess, I guess, I guess what I'm, I guess what I'm just dealing with at the end is like,

there's no sympathy for this guy being angry or like, like, Christian Grey got brought into an insane life, and I could see the jealousy, and she is like, there's no sympathy for this guy being angry. Or like, yeah, Christian Grey got brought into an insane life and I could see the jealousy. And she's like, no, he would always have been a fucking psychopath. But Christian Grey's also kind of a fucking psychopath. Like, they both aren't well people. They cut out a scene where Christian Grey

starts beating everybody up in that Aspen bar. Like, that's in the movie. It's like, he's not well. He's not, no, he's not a well man. She's like, he's not as good as you. It's like, you ain't that goodpen bar. Like, that's in the movie. It's like, he's not well. He's not, no, he's not a well man. He's not as good as you. It's like, you ain't that good, buddy. When she, when the scene opens, and we then, we later find out she is with her gynecologist,

I, for the first five or six seconds or whatever, was like, thank God, she's seeing a therapist. Yes, me too. Finally, these maniacs have decided to enlist a mental health professional. And instead the woman's like, you're pregnant. But it also, what? Immediately, they immediately get pregnant.

What do you think is more unbelievable? The pregnancy, HR Liz, Taylor, the whole mystery, or that she sold at her new job, 200,000 books in one week. Of purgatory? Of the novel purgatory? They come and they say, you sold 200,000 copies. Now, I just want to clarify, like, I used to think like, oh yeah,

if you're a best seller, hundreds of thousands. That's not even the act. The actual cover looks even worse. This is the, this is just galleys. The actual cover looks like, like a VHS Stephen King box. There's no 200,000 people want that book, period. But it's again, it's E.L. James going like, me it's my, yeah. It's her sexual fantasy.

Her sexual fantasy is like, she's at a publishing house and she sells 200,000 books. When she sold 200,000 books, it was like, get the fuck out of here. As the two people that are trying to sell books right now, that's a fucking giant number. I had also an E.L. James fantasy because Boyce Fox was initially like poo-pooed as somebody

who wouldn't sell books, wouldn't move units and she was like he has a big online presence the online... It's her. This is EL James. She's Boyce Fox. Wait is it an anagram? Have you guys talked about the casting of Christian Grey at all? We talked that it was a guy from Sons of Anarchy, but that's all we kind of knew. Initially Charlie Hunnam was cast as Christian Grey. Oh wow. That's, and I can't remember, I think they might have shot a little bit with him or something.

Well, he said that he had a 48 hour turnaround from the last day of shooting Sons of Anarchy to this character. He said he couldn't transform in 48 hours, he needed more time. Jamie Dornan had only five weeks to get in shape, so he's not very happy with his body in the first one, so you notice in the second two, his body's a lot better, because he's very happy.

That's unbelievable. Well, I, wait, if you read the book, the literature. Sure. From the page. Oh yeah. Christian Grey is like a massive man. He's like six foot five. Like a Jack Reacher.

Yeah, he's Jack Reacher. But it's... Now, now I'm interested. I'm in. Now I'm interested. He's Reacher, and when the cops show up, it's Bosch. Is... Yes.

I just, I just want to, I just want to, back to being a real big man. Yeah, sorry. I just want to know, how was this not Armie Hammer? And had it been, would he have survived the cancellation? No, I didn't say he's a great guy. I said fucking years ago, before we knew he ate people, why didn't they cast him? Then they would be like, oh, he eats people.

And we'd be like, we know. We saw 50 Shades. Can you guys not even hear Armie Hammer's name? Just saying the name, people are like, oh. That girl thinks he should eat ladies. No. But yet this guy we like. This guy was like, boy, oh, boy.

Like, Armie Hammer, like, that's a horny movie. That's a movie that gets it right, call me by your name. That's a movie that fucking, that's what I'm talking about. I'm just saying pre, pre what we knew about Army Hammer. I just wanna know why he wasn't on the casting dock. By the way, if he was in these movies and then that stuff came out about him, people would have been like,

of course we've seen it in the Red Room. Or, or, they would, like, I think what you're saying is we would have accepted it. We would have been like. It would have been like so ironic that the, I'm not arguing for him. I'm glad he's like in the Bahamas, like dying or whatever's happening.

I mean, you're just doing your own thing. I'm just saying, there's an alternate world. And, and Flayn, let's not have Armie Hammer come out for the surprise guest, okay? So the, I do want to play... It's not Armie Hammer come out for the surprise guest. Okay? So, the... I do want to play... It's not Armie Hammer, it's Navy screwdriver. Anyway, guys...

Hey! Hear me out. That is like my... I had a... Black it out. That's the show, everybody. Thank you very much. I had a friend in high school whose name was Dan Gross and everyone go Dan Gross

he goes it's not gross it's disgusting. It's a great bit. Four years couldn't get tired of that bit. When you were saying what's the most ridiculous thing yes selling 200,000 books is ridiculous but I argue that this scene is the most ridiculous scene. I'm here. Anna! Hi, Hannah. Hi. Hi. How do you like the new digs? Amazing. I'm gonna let you get settled in. And Anna, good luck. Not that you need it.

Who is that beautiful man? Oh, that's Sawyer, my personal security. Can we find a spot for him? I might have an opening. Hannah! I might have an opening. Hannah! By the way, that single line from Hannah, if you've got an Anna in the movie, don't have a Hannah.

That single line and its delivery should be the tone of the whole movie series. Hannah gets it. But this scene... I might have an opening. I have a couple of things. Quick, sharp, funny, sexy. No, none of these characters can show any of those signs. Sweer. Hotter than Jamie Dornish. Yes. All the leads are like, I thought that that guy was Sam Agar. The guy who, well, I won't say. Britney Spears, I was like?

Yes. Sam Agar? Yeah, that's what I got. You thought that too, that was? I thought it was for a second. Oh, you thought it was actually him? Yeah. I'll touch him and it looked like him.

Oh, I get it. What's crazy about Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey is that they walk through a world, Seattle, the most vibrant city in America, they walk through a world that everywhere they are, whoever is there desires them to the point of self-destruction. Where they show nothing that would make you feel like, this is it, it's not like, you know,

sometimes you go to a party or you go to have a dinner, you're like, I wanna know more, I wanna hang out with this person. They show nothing that shows you anything of interest. Like, I am more interested in Hannah, who seemed to be a contemporary of Anna, and now is her- Well, they were assistants together.

Did we ever see Hannah again? Never again. We have seen her before. Because I was, you played that, and I said, I don't even remember her. No, they kind of get in and out of characters in this thing real quick. They don't have enough time. She is, kind of get in and out of characters in this thing real quick. They don't have enough time.

She is, I believe, the only person of color in the entire trilogy. She should have been at the wedding. Which is shocking. She was too busy working. I mean, this- Hopefully she's fucking Sawyer. This is my issue, though.

This fucking scene is like my son has written the story. It's like, now you're the president. I am? When did that happen? Yesterday. And you already, everyone eats free cake. All right, great. Let's do it. More cake. More cake says the president. And then gets on an eagle and flies away. And I love that when they're proofing, not proofing, when they're in a conversation where they're like, we sold 200,000 copies or whatever, J.O. Saunders is like, you did it, ha.

And then she's like, you know what though? Make the font two points bigger. That's right. Like she's just tossing that off like, ah, publishing specifics. Make the font bigger. How small is that font? My favorite moment is that she goes,

hey, we didn't change your email. You know, we want to change it to Anastasia Gray. And she's like, no, keep it as Anastasia Steele. OK, cool. And then beep, beep, beep. What the fuck? You don't have an email? I'm like, how did he find it?

He said, I sent you an email and it bounced back. Immediately. But that means he guessed. He was like, I'm going to send my wife an email. I'm not going to use the phone. I'm not going to text how we normally do. I haven't sent my wife an email. I'm not gonna use the phone, not gonna text, how we normally do. I haven't sent my wife an email in years. I believe it's not a guess, it's a test.

Okay, well that would give the movie a lot of credit. He's like, she started work 30 minutes ago. Let me type in Anastasia Gray. It better fucking go through. He hasn't even, even if she did change it, it might have bounced back. She just got the job. She just got the job. She just got the promotion.

Oh my, and by the way, what a bold move to be like, has that ever happened in real life? Someone decorates your office without any input from you? And gives you a promotion without you knowing and sends the bitch you needed to tell you? None of this movie hap- None of what happens in any of these movies happens in real life.

We made your office a nautical theme. You ride on a car chase through the streets of Seattle, I believe to Jamiroquai, and then you get into a parking garage and fuck like it's David Cronenberg's Crash. A movie I desperately wish I'd seen instead, which is so much hornier than this movie. This movie, anytime there's stress,

anytime there's happiness, anytime there's any emotion, fucking is just... Like, that's the go-to. And I feel like that may have taken away some plot points or some drama, right? Like, I think you need people to talk about things at a certain point. Yeah, yeah, they don't seem interested

in interrogating any personal anything. All right, let's go to you. Your name? Alyssa. Alyssa, what's your question? Okay, so if Jack Hyde can break into Christian Gray's office building, which has, I'm guessing, a top notch security system because he's

the most tech guy ever. Is he? I'm not. He owns a blow-dry bar, and we know that, and a publishing house. Those are the two. And energy. Yeah.

And energy stuff. And he flies a bunch of different helicopters. And one time, he was working on a MacBook that seemed to be off. Also, as a security guy, his text messages show up on his screen, no passcode. Yes. There's something to think about. OK.

But go ahead, yes. But for the purpose of this question. Right, right, he's complicated, but my question is why, if he can like, design a bomb and trick these securities and like break into high whatever places, why the fuck is he a publishing editor? Why not become a master spy?

Where did he get all these skills? He's able to dupe a key card, he has the hacking equipment to set a bomb in the server room. Jack, by the way, I want to watch a movie about... Jack is the most interesting character in this trilogy. Jack full stop. Justice for Jack. Well, here's...

Justice for Jack. I don't care about these rich fucks. But here's my question about Jack. Jack already did the most insane thing, which was plant a bomb on Christian's helicopter, which they just kind of say in the past. He's like, oh, by the way, they did tell me that was a bomb on there.

Anyway, like, so- The movie only exists because withholding information is integral to their relationship. But I mean, so he, but when he goes to the server room, I didn't understand why stop there? Like what, like it just seemed like he just upset the servers. It didn't seem like anything. No, I think it was so he could steal files without being

files for what good books to publish. Yeah. I don't, that I don't know. But yeah, cause it's like, not like I was was expecting I was expecting him to go like like in the paper We would see all those NDAs that he's made these women sign that we've set up and it gets like released Oh, he's like this guy something he could blackmail them with so like he had blackmailer in the in the yeah in the story We find out and so forth, but nothing nothing seems to come well the movie isn't interested in building any plot I'm sure it's in the books and someone will correct us and tell us exactly why.

But the movies aren't interested in building out the thriller element of it. They just want to have a couple of thrilling set pieces. They don't want to actually be like, here's the why of this. It's every element in a thriller without any of the payoff or setup. It's like, ooh, we need a car chase. Ooh, yeah, someone should get shot.

Oh, and maybe the twist. Oh, yeah, it's the HR person. Oh, we never would have thought that. Now, hang on a second. I feel like maybe we should have a scene where we see Jack and understand what his motivation is. No, sorry, just a scene where Christian Gray plays Baby, I'm Amazed.

Yeah, the piano, yeah. We're going to put that in instead of the plot stuff, just because sexy. Yeah, the piano, yeah. We're gonna put that in instead of the plot stuff. Just because, sexy? But also, that was pretty hot. That was the hottest. He was playing the piano, he was like, baby, I'm amazed, I was like, yes, yes. Also.

Yes, play piano on my pussy. I can't top that. Tickle the ivories. That was the most action. Him doing the piano, I was like, oh, maybe he can fuck. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, your name, your question. Hi.

Hi, Alyssa. Just for the audience, ladies, you announce your pregnancy. Granted, you forgot to take your birth control, but your man leaves, gets drunk with his pedophile rapist, comes home, hammered, hits on you, and we're going to forgive him and just keep on charging on? We're not going to talk about this? We're not going to talk about this. They never talk about anything. I'm surprised.

That definitely felt like they needed to go on another glider ride because whenever they do anything that is that upsetting, they need to go on another glider ride, because whenever they do anything that is, like, that upsetting, they need to go up in the air. They need to go on another helicopter. If only couples therapy existed in the world of these movies. Yeah, well, also, she gets mad. She's like, how dare you go be with Elaine or whatever, Kim Basinger, right?

Yeah. And then she gets kicked, and she's in the hospital. She wakes up, and he's like, I wanna marry you and she's like, that's tight. We're done here. And I was like, so you were, was that only, the only thing you wanted? You were never mad at Elena, you just wanted him to marry,

but he already married you and like, do you know what I mean? She's like, Well, the scene that is to me one of the most insane is the scene in the closet where she's getting dressed. She's in her underwear. She puts on all of her undergarments, then her boots. Well, while they, this is the,

I felt like they did that because this was the only scene in which they were talking about their interior emotional states. And E.L. James must have been like, this is boring. So during this, she's getting dressed, but never puts on enough clothes. So she just puts on underwear and then I guess boots to fill up the rest of the time. And that's the scene and it's insane. I mean, I also will say that one of the saddest things

I saw in this movie was her storming out of the bedroom and then taking a blanket into the playroom and sleeping on like one of those fuck couches. In the red room? Yeah. Then we know they have a guest bedroom. That was established in the first movie. They have ten guest bedrooms

Go to the guest bedroom Why did she want to go to the red room? It's also something that the red room would remind you of things that you don't want to be reminded of this is a movie or a Series of stories that are not interested in real growth in any meaningful way Yeah, it's all about like don't look in that closet. Don't look in that room. It's fine. Yeah both mentally Yeah, but you know I'd be okay with that if they're like we're not gonna do any real growth because again It's it's a sexy movie. The demo is women. Go ahead. No, please go ahead Okay, why this is an important point to me and I just to everyone out here. It's for women

Okay, sexy sexy movie for women by women for women by LEL James for women by L-E-L James. Four women by woman. By woman, by woman. We see Dakota Johnson's boobs a million times. No dick. No. No dick? I will say, in the- We riot tonight! In the first movie, you see like almost the top of his dick.

The little V. Like the dick neck. You know, you see just the neck where it connects to the pelvis. Well, I think that this is the issue, truthfully. Basically when... CGI? Somebody just said CGI? Put the dick in. Okay, sure.

Yeah, put the dick in. Put the dick in. VFX, let's get in way to do it. Put the dick in, put the dick in. Let's get in the volume, let's put dicks in this thing. Jamie Dornan, when they were shooting the first movie, said, I will not do full frontal, and that caused a lot of uproar with the fans. And I have a feeling that when Charlie Hunnam dropped out, they probably had a hard time finding a guy

to do full frontal. I will say, when Charlie Hunnam dropped out, I connected with the producers and said, I will show my dick in this movie. And they were like, please, no. We're not interested. Here's my question. Paul, if you don't mind,

and I know that sometimes you ask the question askers to provide a this or a that. I would like for the people to suggest But sometimes you ask the question askers to provide a this or that. I would like for the people to suggest an actual movie that is horny for them. A la Nine and a Half Weeks or Angel Heart or whatever is a set. Angel Heart? Can I just say right now, Saltburn, the last three minutes, a full dick dance. Oh yeah.

He's just like... Oh yeah. Murder on the dance floor. Murder on the dance floor. Murder on the... More than 50 Shades of Grey. My favorite thing about Saltburn is that... Barry Kiyogen said, like, there's that scene at the grave site, and he goes, yeah, that wasn't in the script.

I just... I said I had an idea and I wanted to do this. And, like, no one knew. I wanted to fuck the grave. I like the... Or if you don't want to fuck the grave. I like the best. Or if you don't want to say what movie you think is sexy, you can also say... No, say it. You can also talk about your favorite part of Saltburn. Okay.

Alright, fair. Alright, fair. Here we go. Hi, what's your name? David. David, what's a movie that you think is sexy? Two Moon Junction. I was going to say twoction. Home Run Movie. Alright, so what's your question? I've never heard of this.

Is it Sherrilyn Fenn? Sherrilyn Fenn. So I watch with the captions on like Jason says to do, and I notice that all the music cues... By the way, thank you. Thank you for your service. The music is always like just describing literally what they're doing. Yes, I notice that too. Like we're gonna go up, up, up, and they like get on a plane. I know the music is always just describing literally what they're doing. Like, we're gonna go up, up, up, and they get on a plane.

And so at the end, the music says, I can't think straight, and then he says, you're topping from the bottom, Mrs. Greg. Which topping and bottoming in the gay world means something very specific, which they are not doing. So I was wondering wondering what do you think topping from the bottom means? I feel like he's, I feel like, man, somebody can correct me if I'm wrong.

I feel like the sentiment of what he's saying is you are doming from the sub. Right. Right, is that right? Because she's- But yeah, those are words that he could have used. She's saying to him, come in, she's calling the... She's calling the session.

She's saying, yes. I see, I see. She's making him do a thing. Which is what I thought from episode one, I thought this is what was going to happen, but we never really fully get there. Like we get close to it, right? But yeah, I think he could have just said we're doming the sub, not we're topping the bottom. Yeah, but yeah,

it's weird to interchange those words that are so prominent in these three films. It seems like that's the word that you would go back to, but that's a good question. Here we go. What's your question? What's your name? What's your sexy movie? My name's Jason.

Hey, cool dude. This guy gets it. Showgirls. Showgirls. And then, so I didn't read the book. Wait, with No Me Malone? I'm sorry. I didn't read wait no me Malone Sorry, I didn't know but I read the wiki and Jack was bailed out by Kim Basinger's ex-husband who was jealous of the affair

That he had she had had with Christian and his revenge was years later when he was in his late 20s, he paid the half a million dollars to bail out Jack. Wait, this is a picture? This is real? Hold on, what? That's amazing. So in the book, in the book, Fifty Shades Freed, the way that Jack High gets out of jail is that Kim Basinger's husband, who is jealous of Kim Basinger's ex-husband, who is jealous that Christian Grey...

This is great. Why is that not in the movie? It should be in the movie. That's a good... It's interesting. Oh, it is? Wait, hold on. How is it? Well... It's almost... It's like a throwaway line

when the show came basically at the end. On the newscast, they mention it really pretty far. They do? Yeah. How did I miss this? How did I miss it? I wasn't paying attention to the newscast. Maybe it was the unrated one. I must have been.

Oh, maybe it was the unrated. Oh, yeah. Because did you watch the version? Oh, it's only in the unrated. Did you watch the version where Tim Basinger is in it? For like two seconds. Okay, yes. Okay.

That is the one that's, that is, they cut her out. For a minute I was like, how did I miss it? But just to be clear, the unrated version is like, we're going to add a newscast. Yeah. The unrated one is like, we're gonna add a newscast. Yeah. The unrated one is like, we will answer a question. It's not like you can see an uncut dick. It's just like... Are you ready for your song?

Yeah, come on up. You know the drill. By the way, those are all great... All great questions and much better, sexy, horny movies. Yes, yes. Well, obviously we had opinions about this movie, but there are people out there with a different opinion. It is now time for second opinions. ["Second Opinion"]

If I was your husband, would you let me pay you by your place of work and fire your boss for being a man? Hey, hey, a really gross man. I take your best friends on vacation. Take care of you. Let you hang with them for fun when only I can. When only I can, when only I can. If I was your husband, could I buy you a dream house?

Also buy you a car and a wardrobe for when we go out? Not that you're helpless, but sometimes, sometimes, those are the things that financial control's about. Would you let me braid your hair? Can I call you mommy sometimes? Or can we go to the playroom or maybe we could just go to a movie and braid it together? Cause to me baby, that would be five stars.

Yeah! Amazing! Give it up for Jen! Yes! Great job, Jen! Show it to them! Yes! Give it up for Jen. Yes. Great job, Jen. Show it to them. Yes! Give it up for Jen. Yes! That's how it's done.

All right. These are five-star reviews from Amritsar. Now, here's the interesting thing. First movie, 70,000 reviews. Second movie, 40,000 reviews. Second movie, 40,000 reviews. Third movie, 20,000 reviews. 86 of these reviews are five-star reviews. 86, sorry, 86%, sorry. So sorry. 86% are five-star reviews. And here we go. We'll start off with KB. KB titles, their review, hot. This movie is just plain sexy.

The only part about it is the pregnancy thing. I could have done without that. He's a billionaire. If he wanted kids, he would have had them already. Oh. I loved that his reaction to that news was so realistic, and what he said was spot on. If I were him, I'd be totally P.O.ed as well. It ruins the fantasy.

Can't we just have one movie about young, beautiful, fabulously wealthy people without it being ruined by children? Ha ha ha! Even Sex and the City wasn't safe. Thanks, Steve and Miranda, but whatever. Ah, Miranda. Ah, Miranda. Other than the pregnancy part, yeah. It was lovely.

Five stars. Now, this one by Jan was a little surprising. Jan titled it, loved it, but we would love it so much more. I loved the unrated version. They should have had that version in the theaters. Now here's the thing I wish they would do as an anniversary for 50 Shades. I would love for them to have all the deleted scenes

added to the unrated versions of the movies. I did a poll and over 250 people have said they would buy it completed like that. I hate having to see the deleted scenes as extras. If they were just added to the movie, it would flow so much better. Plus, I'm sure there were some scenes that were never even used for deletions that were just extra and put away. So come on, Universal. We would like an uncut, unrated version of the movies with all the deleted scenes that are added to the movie to run straight through them. Five stars.

Yeah. By the way, if they were smart, they would be marketing uncut versions. If they were smart, they would be. Unrated. Fuck you. Alan T. writes, Good Love Story, for love with a certain twist. It was enjoyable to watch. Would recommend you to watch it with a lover. I always hear women getting charged up big time watching any of these three movies. Ew! I don't like the way you're saying any of this.

Charge up! I don't like that this has been written, but I definitely don't like your interpretation. Five stars. That's chilling. Now we've been hitting one star reviews as well. And this is the one that I really enjoyed from an Amazon customer. Couldn't even put down their name. First you had no directions on how to hook this DVD to your cable TV.

Hey, who is the you in that sentence? I think Amazon. Amazon? Then... What's shocking is that this is... Oh, go ahead. Sorry, sorry, sorry. First, yet, no directions on how to hook this DVD to your cable TV. Then, when I saw on the computer this in- face movie all in caps.

I just simply put it in the garbage. If someone wants to know about sex, well there's lots and lots of books and more tasteful ones like The Joy of Sex and The Kumasatra. As a sag actor For this so-called Movie I can't tell you with all the publicity how abhorrent this movie was to me god

What audacity to make all in Capital this so-called movie. To me personally, as a SAG actor, my standards are high and it pains me that it's happening in this industry. One star. I simply put it in the garbage. Oh my God. A bigger twist than H.R. Liz is that they were a SAG actor. Wow. Holy shit. And they're trying to connect DVDs to cable players.

As a SAG actor, I don't know how to own this up. Holy shit. But I do want to have our final opinion before we get into our final opinions, given by June Diane Rayfield. June, who is sick, refused to be on camera. We did not have a masquerade mask, but we do have this clip and we have a special guest

here too. So let's just see if this will work. You know, the thing that I was most resentful of is the last shot of the third movie. She's sitting reading a book and he walks over with their son who's like a toddler. And then as the camera pans out, you realize she's also very pregnant, their second child. And I'm watching and I felt so mad because I'm like, I don't care how rich you are. You know, mom of like 15 month old boy and pregnant has time to read a book. I thought you were going to say then he says come to my playroom and like straps her down onto one of his torture devices. Okay, no, I would have preferred that. I found this to be so- That's the most offensive.

Pretty offensive. Everything else was- He puts her in a dog collar. I don't care. I was like, great. Wraps her down- Respectful, respectful. Any number of-

Portrayal of women. Respectful portrayal of women. Wrackles. And yet this one- Seeing her with that book, I was like, don't disrespect us. That's crazy. What a crazy take.

I'm so sad that the people won't hear this hot take. Don't disrespect us. That's crazy. What a crazy take. Don't disrespect us. I'm so sad that the people won't hear this hot take. Don't disrespect us like that. So that is June's hot take. How about the end? With Jessica St. Clair. With Jessica St. Clair who has not seen the movie and today did ask me sincerely what Riz was. And I refused to tell her.

Little does she know it's just an internet search away. But... One of the things that I wrote, which I do wish had come true, is at a certain point, I think maybe when they were in Aspen or whatever, somehow something unfolded that I said, oh, is this whole movie basic, or this whole series of movies for Anastasia Steel a The Game situation? Is every, like I felt like Jack and Liz from HR and Hannah and everybody were kind of coming to me like,

ha ha, we're all actors, we're SAG actors. This whole thing has been a game for you put on by your friend Kate Huzzah. That's the only way this movie makes any sense. I got an elaborate graduation present from her absentee mom. Imagine you are Jack, and you realize your assistant's boyfriend

is the guy that stole your life? That's fucking bananas. The coincidences in this series are absolute insanity. I mean, the way that they open up an envelope at the end, she's like, oh, what's that envelope? He's like, all this evidence and all the plot. She's like, oh, let me open it up. All the pages we didn't shoot.

It's script pages from scenes we didn't shoot. Says here that Jack's gonna be okay, but they got some evidence on him. Oh, here's a picture. Wait, hold on. What's that picture? That's me. That's him.

I guess we're in the same foster home. All right, well, yeah. And then she's like, you can't cook. And he's like, I guess we're going out for dinner. And it's like, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun shoulder going, oh, now it all makes sense. And then he could keep that envelope closed for so long. If someone passed me an envelope,

like hey, this is why this person tried to abduct your wife and tried to kill you, I would open that envelope right away. It wouldn't be like an after dinner envelope. I'd go, well, I'll crack into that later. I didn't crack into any of the extra scenes, deleted scenes, any of that. I didn't watch the unrated version. I keep forgetting to.

Thank god I didn't. It would have been longer. The deleted scenes, there's a giant scene didn't watch the unrated version. I keep forgetting to. Thank God I didn't. It would have been longer. The deleted scenes, there's a giant scene of Rita Ora playing chess on the airplane. Just her, just chess champ. Really? Amazing. I think there might have been a deleted scene

where they're all having breakfast in Aspen at the table and the brother is like, how come the table smells like rancid milk and swamp ass? If I walk in to a communal breakfast table and somebody's like, we fucked on this last night. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I don't want fucking ass, fucking sweaty ass on the table where we eat breakfast.

Get him out of town. There's a movie called Going the Distance with Justin Long and Drew Barrymore, and they fuck on a table, and then the next day they're eating Thanksgiving on it, and they're all disgusted by it. It's one of my favorite scenes, because two people know that it's all disgusting,

and then turkey legs are falling off on it, and they're like, ah. It's like, we need a little bit more comedy in these. I was very bummed out by this movie. I thought it was gonna get sexier. And I just watched it and I was like, he's emotionally abusive, he's financially abusive, he's almost physically abusive, he doesn't show his dick,

he's not good at sex, he uses a tiny vibrator, the wedding was ugly, he's not funny, he's not charming, he did give her a publishing job, I liked that. Yes. And at the end of it I was like, this fucking sucks. And then she goes in for that last montage that you talked about, and he is, for the final montage where she goes through the whole relationship, he's doing a Pilates pose, where it's just his arms holding his whole body up. He's like levitating, just as his arms and she looks at

him and thinks through their entire fucking relationship and then he's still holding the pose. It's all from the movie. Yeah like as if it's a recap of the trilogy of movies that you have loved. As if, no, it's as if that they're, it's like what they did at the end of the Fast movies when, you know, they're kind of sending off their characters. Okay, yeah, but I'm like, R, R. And it felt like they were like, and that's the end.

We know he died. But I was like, are these characters dead? Yeah, are they dead? I can't hear that. Oh, Walker are these, are these dead? Like, oh. Yeah, are they dead? I can't hear that. Oh, Walker's dead, Pablo's dead? Vin? That is sad. Here it is, yeah.

She thinks through three movies of a relationship and he's still holding the post. Yeah. And I was like, all right. That's pretty hard to do. In my mind, as she rethinks, as she remembers all of these things, she should be like, oh, wait a minute,

I gotta get out of here. Wait. Right, this is a bad relationship. I gotta get the fuck out of here. I've been tricked. Oh my God, I'm 20 years old. I should just leave. I am a prisoner.

What is also funny about this is like, oftentimes like montages like this are shown, like to like, oh my gosh, look how they've grown. The amount of time has passed. Three weeks have passed. They nothing, like they're interchangeable scenes because you're like, that scene movie one, I think they're shooting movie,

they're showing scenes from this movie in the montage of their relationship. What's insane is that both she and Kate, the college roommates, both graduate get jobs and marry billionaire brothers in the course of six weeks. That's not... Okay, so this movie is for women. Ha-ha-ha!

Holy shit. What a fucking mess. I think that like there's been a, like you know, I think the people look at this movie in a way that is unfair because they judge it as being like, oh it's just like sex and it's this and it's this gross. It's so much more. It's just really terrible movies. And I feel like people don't highlight that enough. It's like we don't talk about like, no, no, V, there's choices here that make no sense. I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting like just gratuitous sex.

Which would have been awesome. I was hoping for that. To be clear, I would have been like, yes, make more of this. Magic Mike 2, all sex, yes. I was nervous to do these things. It's like, is this gonna be us talking about sex? No. No.

That is the most boring part. No, you're talking about espionage, actually. Yes. Take me to pound town. That's what I'm interested in. That's not in this. No. This was three nights where I was like,

well, maybe I'll finally go, oh boy, it's so boring. And each movie gets darker and darker, so you're seeing less and less. Yeah, and one of the handcuffs, I'll just just say, one of the handcuffs scenes, he handcuffs her wrist to her ankle, and then a wrist to her ankle, and it's like, so it's still missionary. Yeah.

It's never not missionary. Kim Basinger did a shit job teaching him how to fuck. These guys, like. The set decorators had such a blast building the Red Room. It is decadent and enormous and has every sex story in the world. They use like two items and do and just fuck missionary. That's it. There are more interesting things up and displayed, but he's always like, go in the top drawer, left one,

get the smallest thing out of there, bring it over to me. It's like in the movie Last Night, he brings out nipple clamps, but demonstrates them on her finger only. No. That in microcosm is what this movie, what this movie series is about sex. Here's the thing, it's outrageous if you think about it,

if you've never been exposed to it, but it goes, well, I'll just do it on your finger. It's okay, it's okay. So that's it, we have done it. Jason, Chelsea, we have done all three movies. Thank you to our audience. Thank you to our, to everybody who's come here all three nights.

Chelsea, you're free to go. Everyone who's come here. Yes, everyone who's come. All three nights. How many people came three nights? Chelsea Ferrito. Everyone who's come here. Yes, everyone has come. All three nights. How many people came three nights? Raise your hands. Whoa. Oh, man, the front rows are really representing.

We're going to let you take a picture in a second. But Chelsea, tell everybody about your book so we can make her. Oh, yeah. I don't have a picture of it. Sorry, I'm curing up something else. All looking at the screen like, let's go. But yeah.

Yes, would love to tell you about my book. If you like crazy sex scenes, read a different book. Not in mine. And my book, I date a magician who was an improviser. Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, one of those things is not cool and one is cool? Yeah.

What about an over 50 year old improviser? Okay, back in business. Middle aged man still gets ends. Middle aged man, middle aged. Yeah, no, I wrote a comedy gal memoir and that also has some sad parts in it. And if you like stuff like that, get my book, it's called, I Shouldn't Be Telling You This.

And I just want to clarify, um, um, if you sell 500 books, they would be like, that's a good book. And just to remind you, she sold 200,000. Can I ask you a question? That is like, yeah, that's Harry Potter level for a political thriller, parodying, dunking, inferno. Is your book out now? My book is not out now.

Thank you, okay. So please order the book. That matters. Pre-order my book. If you, pre-order my, in the name of not seeing Jamie Dornan's dick, pre-order my book, Give Money to Women Authors.

And my book has a picture of Jamie Dornan's dick, so you put it together, or there's like both pictures. You have to put both books together like Voltron, and you finally see his full dick in balls. But as you leave tonight, and you're waiting for your car to come, or you're at the bar afterwards, fire up Amazon, or go to an independent book seller

of your choice. Barnes and Noble, anything. Pre-order both of these books, because pre-orders mean so much. So much, it's so crazy. And you have a podcast called Glamorous Trash, right? Yeah, where we read celebrity memoirs, we talk pop culture. We just did Barbara Streisand's,

which is, you know, it's a 900 page book. My favorite part of her book, and this is gonna be a little spoiler alert for you, is in the beginning, she's like, I met Warren Beatty when I was 16, and he was a nice guy, nothing happened. Page 900, that is 48 hours later. I guess I did fuck Warren Beatty.

Oh, okay. And she spends a lot of the time in the beginning going, all these men make up all these stories that I fucked them. I didn't fuck any of them. I remember everybody that I fucked. Yes! I did fuck any of them. I remember everybody that I fucked. Yes! I did fuck him.

Yes. Yes. It's as if, like, it's as if the 48-hour record, she was like, wait a second. It's almost like she just got so tired recording the audiobook that she just was like, uh, just saying truths. She was like, whatever. And the editor who was like, she said no,

and then she said yes, went, eh, leave it in. Leave it in, to Prince, to Prince. Anyways, so if you want to hear us talk about that for an hour and a half, we'll give you all the highlights. I cannot wait, it's so good. All right, thank you everybody! Thank you for coming out. What a great week, what a great time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We'll be back here, and you can catch Jason and I next month here at Dinosaur, February 23rd. Thank you so much. Bye, good night. Good night. Good night. How did this get me?

What a show. Thank you so much to Chelsea Devantes for helping us close out our 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. And a huge thank you as always to the wonderful staff at Largo. I am talking about Alec up in the booth, Michael Griffey Flanney, and everyone else who makes our shows run so damn smooth.

Now if you want to feel like you are a part of the live audience at the Fifty Shades Freed live show, well you can buy yourself a shirt. It's the same shirt we designed for the other two episodes. It's Christian Grey's Nonsensical Company. The shirt says Grey Enterprises, colon, business, telecommunications, independent publishing, blow dry bars, and charity. And you can buy this shirt and more

at teepublic.com slash stores slash HDTGM. If you have a correction and omission for this episode, please leave a message on our Discord at discord.gg slash HDTGM or leave me a voicemail at 619 Paulask or leave me and Jason a voicemail and ask us for help at that same number. Then make sure you tune in next week to our last looks follow up episode for 50 Shades free to hear me respond to your messages.

And we'll also be going back to talk about Ronal the Barbarian. So you still have time to submit your Ronal comments as well. People a month away from my book release. That's right. Chelsea and I back to back books. I'm coming out in May. She's coming out in June, but here's the best part. You can pre-order them now.

Head to my website. You'll see where I'm touring. Dinosaur is going to be in Chicago. We're also going to be in Seattle. We're also going to be in Portland. I'm also going to be back in Chicago doing a book thing. I'm going to be in New York doing a book thing. I'm going to be in Canada and Toronto doing a book thing. I have so much book stuff coming, but don't let that stop you from buying the

book. Buy the book now. Go at any retailer at all. Local, big box, online, whatever you do and make sure you sign up for exclusive access to my pre-order area of my website where you'll see videos and pictures that no one else will see. People, that's all I got. Remember, you can find us everywhere at HDTGM or visit us at HDTGM.com. If you love the show, tell your friends to listen to it too. Seriously, honestly, word of mouth is the best mover of this pod. And you know what?

It's a lot more fun arguing about bad movies with a buddy. And last but not least, I got to say thank you to all your listeners who support this show every week and our entire team who this show couldn't be done without. I'm talking about our producer Scott Sonny, Molly Reynolds, our movie picking producer Avery Halley, our engineers Casey Hulford and Rich Garcia, and our associate producer Jess Cisneros. That's all I got people. We will see you next week until then bye for now