How Did This Get Made? - Matinee Monday: Van Helsing LIVE! (w/ Seth Rogen, Riki Lindhome, & Ben Blacker)

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Seth Rogen (Long Shot), Riki Lindhome (Knives Out, Wednesday), and Ben Blacker (Thrilling Adventure Hour, Hex Wives)  join Paul and Jason to discuss the 2004 period horror film Van Helsing. Recorded live from Largo at the Coronet in Los Angeles, they talk about Hugh Jackman’s wet pilgrim hat, Frankenstein’s tech, everyone being upside down, Carl the friar, and much more. (Originally Released 03/28/2019) We're coming to NYC on Nov 15th & Philly on Nov 16th! Go to hdtgm.com for ticket info, merch, and for more on bad movies.Order Paul’s book about his childhood: Joyful Recollections of TraumaFor extra content on Matinee Monday movies, visit Paul's YouTube page: youtube.com/paulscheerTalk bad movies on the HDTGM Discord: discord.gg/hdtgmPaul’s Discord: discord.gg/paulscheerFollow Paul’s movie recs on Letterboxd: letterboxd.com/paulscheer/Check out new HDTGM movie merch over at teepublic.com/stores/hdtgmPaul and Rob Huebel stream live on Twitch every Thursday 8-10pm EST: www.twitch.tv/friendzoneLike good movies too? Subscribe to Unspooled with Paul and Amy Nicholson: listen.earwolf.com/unspooledSubscribe to The Deep Dive with Jessica St. Clair and June Diane Raphael: www.thedeepdiveacademy.com/podcastCheck out The Jane Club over at www.janeclub.comWhere to find Paul, June, & Jason:@PaulScheer on Instagram & Twitter@Junediane on IG and @MsJuneDiane on TwitterJason is not on social mediaGet access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using the link: siriusxm.com/hdtgm.

His greatest accessory, a pilgrim hat. His greatest weapon, boring the shit out of you. We saw Van Helsing, so you know what that means. So now it's time for the last of the Screamin'. How this Schwarzenegger grow baby in his belly like a rhinestone vest while I'm whippin' Justin to Kelly or maybe see a burlesque show with Nick Ke And take a boat with speed to hit the cruise control J-Man big Paul in the beautiful June Gonna take you from the groove all the way to the room

Ran the games in Street Fighter hope to blow off steam Just a sucker punch the odd life of Timothy Green Chuck Nadeau the birdemic how we stayin' alive They call him in the badass and he's on the line Cranking 88 minutes cause they cool as ice Cause a bad Jim Barney looking kind of nice Paul and June getting literal, Jason is getting lame June is making sure all the monkey shots getting paid

They judge a bunch of movies while they making the grade Here's a real question for you, how did this get made? Hello people of Perth! And hello people of Largo! And to all people of Largo! We are live here at Largo at the Coronet Theater, our L.A. home, and we are so excited to talk to you about a movie, an important film, a historical buy-up, if you will, about a man, a man who fights everything,

and he does it all wearing a pretty fucking cool hat. Uh, the movie is Van Helsing, and tonight joining me to talk about the show, or the movie, I should say, is my co-host Jason Manzoukas! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! What's up, jerks? Welcome, Jason. Paul, this movie... Oh, boy. Quick question. Yeah. Are we fighting with Hugh Jackman? Are we trying to start a fight with Hugh Jackman? We just did Swordfish. Yes.

And now we're doing Van Helsing. Yes. Are we provoking Hugh Jackman? We are trying to see if this guy will come out and fight us on stage. By the way, Hugh Jackman, you coward. Come and fight us on stage here at Largo. I think it's great to do Hugh Jackman movies because we love Hugh Jackman now.

You got to see where you came from. Like, you can have a couple whiffs, a couple big whiffs, and then come back big. This one was a straight oof. This was... This was too long. Yeah. Not good. Slow. My one point was like,

oh, I must be new. This must be the last fight. An hour left? That cannot be right. I, as soon as I saw the runtime was two hours and 11 minutes, it was like, ooh, I can guarantee you 25 minutes could be, yeah. We need a rule. We can't do terrible movies that are over two hours.

This is, like, we got gotta put a stop to this. It really, I know, it's taking a toll on all of us. The last 40 minutes are depressing. It really, it starts to eat away at you like, I'm still watching this? I would say that the- What's going on? The most redemptive quality to this film was that it was available on Netflix. Whoo!

Like, I was like, well, all right, I didn't have to pay for it, because I'm already paying for Netflix. That's not worth it! That's not worth it! I'll pay. I would rather pay for... Or I would rather pay for a shorter... Ha-ha-ha-ha! This movie was terrible.

This was unconscionably good. My doubleheader, I was on an airplane last Sunday when I watched this, was Hereditary and Van Helsing. Back to back! It was a rough flight. Not a good flight for me. Oh! That was...

Both of them so sexy. Both of them with werewolves. Uh, no. There's no werewolf. I thought that this... I just... We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. And we have such an amazing panel.

You know, our first guest from the hit Comedy Central show, Another Period, and from the group Garfunkel & Oates, please welcome Ricky Lindholm. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Hi guys. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Our next guest you know from the thrilling Adventure Hour. He is an amazing writer and has a brand new comic book graphic novel coming out called

Hex Wives. It's coming out on Halloween. Please welcome Ben Blacker. Our next guest stuck around from the first show, please welcome Seth Rogen. You watched this movie too. I did. I saw this shit in the fucking theater and I emailed Paul. And I literally emailed.

I was like, I feel like this movie owes me something pleasurable. And so I would like to come talk about it. I also saw this movie in the theater and did not remember like anything about it except that it was bad, but not in what way it was bad. I watched it today and I don't know what happened. Yep. I have no idea. I stopped, within the first 20 minutes,

I stopped it three times to make sure I was watching the right movie. I was like, is it possible that I'm watching the wrong movie? No, you were watching the werewolf vampire. Yes, I was watching the right movie and I was like, oh no. Well, it's a weird movie because it has all the makings

of something that should be good. How, what are those? Well, to me I'm like, this is a, you know, maybe a prequel to the Dark Universe. You know, we love the Dark Universe. It's gotten off to such a great start. No, it's such a... You know, the movie...

So it's Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing, who is like this James Bondian vampire hunter who has an oozy crossbow. It's so stupid. This movie is so fucking stupid, and it does this shit that so many movies do, where it takes place in the past, but then they just give them technology that negates the fact that it's in the fucking past.

And not just technology, but contemporary dialogue. Like people in like medieval times will be like, that's gonna hurt. Yeah. What? No, it's not. Temporary dialogue. Yeah, people in like medieval times will be like that's gonna hurt No, it's not well you don't say that The thing that irritated me the most about this movie is it opens up and it looks like one of those classic like, you know Like those classic horror films, black and white. It seemed cool at the beginning.

Yeah, yeah. If this movie had been made in 1946, it would be the best movie. It would have blown people's minds. It would not have known. If this was still be talking about. Devil maker. How they did that.

I would love, like, I would love it if it was like a monster movie, cause I honestly went into this not knowing anything. So then when it started with the black and white flashback of Dr. Frankenstein, blah, blah, blah, I was like, oh, wait, what? What is going on? By the way, and this is my issue.

That flashback is revealed to be one year ago. Yes! One year ago! What? That's the craziest shit ever. I missed the reveal. I did not understand this movie at all. Oh, it was crazy. Only every single thing happened in it.

Well, it introduces Dr. Frankenstein being in Transylvania right off the bat, so you're like, what? That's confusing. Successfully bringing his monster to life. Well, but it's also about Dracula's running it like Gus Fring in Breaking Bad. It's like he's hired Dr. Frankenstein. I wrote it at one point that he needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie.

He needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie. He needs to be in the movie. He needs to about Dracula's running it like Gus Fring in Breaking Bad. It's like, he's hired Dr. Frankenstein. I wrote at one point that he needs Frankenstein's tech. But he can also like, I dream of Genie. Like, he can just pop around the room.

There are no rules. There's no physics. Everyone can fly. I realized the rule is he could teleport only when it makes the conversation a little funnier. I was like, he's... That's the teleportation rule. It's like, during a fight, he will not teleport. But if it allows him to like, make the person he's talking to think that he's gone,

and then come back, then he could teleport. He really like, he teleports like an annoying person with teleport. It's like, what, you're on the roof now? Alright, weird. There's a part where he's walking up a wall. That's the craziest fucking shit I've ever seen. All of the upside down stuff is nuts. Like, I'm gonna be honest, this movie is,

I think, 7.5 hours long. And four and a half hours. Oh, you didn't watch the second part. Four and a half hours of it take place upside down. And it is, I felt. A lot of it's upside down. A lot of it's upside down. And you can tell the costume department is like,

ooh, we're gonna have stuff that when it's upside down, it's just draping. He's gonna drag him out with his hair and be like this. So much flowing drapery. And then he's having like an emotional moment. His hair is upside down. I was obsessed with his hair in this movie,

and it kept trying to figure out what hair it was. Yes. So I have it narrowed down. I think it's either Jodie Foster in The Accused. Sure. Right? Like this, it's got that little poof. Or it's Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. And then when it's raining, it's sort of Sharon Moonstruck.

But then it's a little bit Kelly McGillis in everything. This movie should have been called like Van Helsing's Extensions, because everyone, everyone is like, my character is my hair. Like that is it. The vampire was very, I wrote vampires puffy. That's like Dracula was just a little puffy. I thought it was Belky when I first saw him. He seemed just a little unhealthy, which is not what you think of when you think of a vampire.

He's like that guy could use a nap and like he seems like he stayed out late last night, which is what vampires do, but you shouldn't. on him and he is getting 12 hours of sleep at night I mean yeah and he's feasting on only the best blood yeah well the vamp okay there's so many things I don't know what is Igor can anyone answer what Igor what is Igor I know what Igor is like he's like I think comedy relief in this movie. But I mean, like, is he a human or is he a mutant? Like, the Igor that I understand from those movies is like, yeah, but he looks a little, is he different?

He's weird looking. What are those other things? Well, like, also, Dracula has like the evil minions. He has bad minion oompa loompas. I couldn't figure out, does Igor belong to Dr. Frankenstein? Right, but he wants more money. But he seems to belong to Dracula now.

He needs cold hard cash for something. He's saving up them bucks, who knows what, for that surgery. What's his dream? That's the movie I want to see. Oh, there's a lot in this movie. He was like, you were great to me, but he's paid me. I just noticed that Mr. Hyde is in this movie. Well, this is like the thing the first time you're introduced to him Van Helsing He is fighting. Dr. Decker. Mr. Hyde where in?

Fucking hunchback should be there The first thing with Frankenstein's in Transylvania, it's like our first thing is geographically fuck everything. Like, it's not. It felt like they ADR'd him saying, Mr. Hyde. Right. Because like they couldn't get the rights to Quasimodo. And then he fucks, he's bad at his job, is the other thing. He killed him.

Then housing sucks. Like he fucking kills the guy. He's wanted? Yes. He always kills the guy. Always kills the guy. You gotta bring him in alive, but don't kill him. And he's like, uh-oh, I killed him. Oh, yes. And by the guy. He's wanted? Yes. He always kills the guy. Always kills the guy. You've got to bring him in alive, but don't kill him. And he's like, uh-oh, I killed him.

Oh, yes. And by the way. And it shows the satan. It goes out of its way to show the transformation of him into a person, realizing he's about to die. It's not a monster. It's not a, he turned just in time for you to watch

his soul leave his body. He transforms into a armless man. First thing his arm is gone, and then that he's gonna die. And you watch it happen and then people swarm around him and then a policeman looks up and is like, Van Helsing, you murderer! Like that's the central theme. This movie also process, like Van Helsing is like a cop in this world

and he has like a boss who's like, God damn it, Van Helsing! Get in here! Give me your crossbow! He's like, he's like, it's James Bond. He's medieval James Bond. He has a cue Yes, I feel like I don't know who that actor was and I'm sure he's great But I feel like they made a bunch of shit. They thought that cue was so funny. Yes Well, not a funny man pleased with him. No, I don't know what a cue is. He's a James He's a gadget man. That guy who's my craft talk. Okay, is that the guy who makes the mix? Yes. Yes, Carl Yes, he has it. Yes, Carl, which I who makes the stuff? Yes. Carl! Yes, yes.

He has it named Carl, which I didn't understand. Everyone had names like Valtryek. Wasn't it Dom Hulgleason? Carl! No, it was not Dom. No, it was not. Dom Hulgleason was six years old. Yeah, it was David Wenham.

Oh, it is, bear me. It's a guy from 300 who's narrating it with the eye patch. Yes, yes, it's the guy from the Lord of the Rings. Thank you. Okay. But he sets up the bomb that they use at the end in the dumbest way ever I've ever seen in any movie ever. Don't know what it does. What is this? I don't know.

I don't know where you would ever use this thing that gives you so much light. Like the light on the side. But we know how vampires work. Yes. No, so do they. No, but they don't seem to. He's in possession of the exact weapon to use against vampires. I'm just like, what does this do?

Here's your garlic, here's your fucking holy water. What's this light bomb do? I don't know. I don't know. We'll figure it out. I don't know if it's ever gonna be useful. But it has the light of a thousand suns. So you might as well take it.

So he's playing Wolverine to a certain degree, right? He's a guy who has no memory of his past, but only details. And X-Men had come out, right? I believe so, but this is like 2004. But he's like a really delicate Wolverine. He's very feminine in this. Like I was really into the curls, sort of, when he had the mask, the bandana,

I thought it was Kate Beckinsale. No, really, cause he's sort of smoldering, and then he took it off, and it was just like Hugh Jackman in like a wet pilgrim hat, and like, Nellie Olsen curls. The pilgrim hat is the worst choice for me. I like that it's wet. It's wet and then he takes it off and puts it on her head.

He's like, I've been wearing this for 400 years. Swish. I can't get his deal at all. Was he old? Did he, what was that? He's hundreds of years old, right? They don't talk about that. No, they don't, they don't,

I thought they said they found you on a doorstep as a baby, but then later it's like, he was an adult, so I don't know. And also Dracula's like, what, it's it been 300 years since I've seen you or whatever? Right, you took my ring. You murdered me. From my missing finger. You murdered me.

Why would Dracula grow his finger back? Also, I don't understand that. And an hour and a half into the movie, they're like, your nightmares you've been having. And he's like, this guy's been having nightmares? Well, the movie does not stop for any plot. It goes. You're like, it's like, it's like.

And then he goes, I know everything about your past. That's for another discussion. Yeah, sequel. That's a sequel. The plot of the movie is in is I could I actually I know what the bad guys were trying to do but I couldn't tell you what the good guys were trying to do which is not a good... The bad guys were just trying to keep gremlins alive. No, so the bad guys... He just wanted children, right? No, it's that these vampire ladies somehow in a way I would love to see

Birth out thousands of these Size exact just fucking shitting these things out Hockey bags fucking goalie worth of equipment Every time every week it sounds like and but they keep dying for some reason so they need Frankenstein's tech. Yeah Shulted into the fucking double Multiple lightning strike And it needs multiple lightning strikes. But to get the vampire babies to live long enough to who fucking cares? This doesn't add up at all. I think they fly into pillars and then explode into gold.

They all, yes. But didn't they kill off like the 4,000 then, like, he had another 4,000 more? He has way more. That's what they tell you. Oh, those were them. Oh, Dracula! Make no mistake. He's got three brides, and Dracula, fuuuck. Looks like hell.

He's dropping loads in these gals. They are dropping out cocoon sacks of alien eggs. How does that work? How does those come out of them? That's all I... I was looking online, I was like, do vampire bats shoot out egg sacks? You did?

Yeah, because... Why? Do you know how that's gonna affect your search history? The targeted ads you're about to get are chilling. So many egg sacks. The targeted ads you're about to get are chilling. So many egg sacs. These women are constantly ovulating. It's squirting about. It's crazy.

It makes no fucking sense. It's nuts. But I don't, for the life of me, could not tell you what Van Helsing was sent there to do. He was there to save Kate Beckinsale and her like incestuous, you know, lover brother first because nine generations need to go to heaven. They're in purgatory. I think that's what I couldn't figure out.

But then he doesn't save them. Oh, no. He kills her. Fucking hate to ruin it! He's the guy in the movie! He murders the woman who he's supposed to be protecting! But they treat it like he did what he was supposed to do! And they ride away from the funeral of the woman he murdered! In like a beautiful sunset shot.

She is up. The adventure continues. Yep. Go murder more women than I fall in love with. He might as well high five Carl and be like, I fucking nailed it. He did it. You know that they had to like put that. This went perfect.

They had to put those faces in the clouds later. Van Helsing did it again. I wouldn't be surprised if this was part of the Van Wilder series. But don't you feel like this is where they get James Bond all wrong? It's like, oh yeah, and at the end he'll kill her. So then the next movie, he'll have a new girlfriend. That's not how I... Have him kill her.

Is there a sequel? Well, I think they were trying to make this sequel. They're still trying to make this shit, man! It's so crazy. It's so stupid. But you're also supposed to believe at the end, like, she's happy now because she's with her family in the clouds. That was crazy. Then who cares? Why'd she die the whole time?

Like why is he trying to save her at all? Why keep them alive? Why do we need them? Yeah, just kill him. The whole thing makes no sense. I feel like maybe there was an antidote that she brought at the end. She did, yeah.

That she stabbed him with when he was a wolf. Yes. And then he killed her. Correct. Her reward he killed her. Correct. And that's why I imagine... Her reward... Her reward for saving him from a life of being a werewolf is death. Also, Hugh Jackman turns into a werewolf in this movie,

which is another thing you're like, so are you a werewolf? Like, it's like... Well, is he immortal? Like, what's... I didn't know it was a year later. He's definitely immortal. We don't know why, but yet he's working for an organization that is taking care of the

Vatican. The Vatican Secret Service. But there's also, there's other religions tied up. There's like Buddhists and stuff like that. It's the one thing religions agree on is that we have to kill monsters. But yet they work in secret and then people are mad at him when he kills monsters. But yet, but yet they work in secret and then people are mad at him when he kills monsters. Yeah, and that's like his burden.

He's like, I'll take it, I'll just look like a mass murderer, but I know I'm killing monsters. But yet he is still killing, people are probably terrorized by these monsters, I would think. Do we know why Dracula needed Frankenstein's tech? To juice the egg sacs.

Yeah. He needed? To juice the egg sacs? Dracula has a genetic deficiency. I don't know why he needed the babies alive, because aren't vampires dead? That was where I got confused. That's what they say.

There's a line that they say, well, vampires are dead, so it only makes sense that their offspring are born dead is a line in the movie. Ha ha ha! And then, and because, so that's the logic. So it only makes sense that their offspring are born dead is a line in the movie? Yeah. Also, if you leave it... So that's the logic. Is their born dead and Frankenstein's tech brings dead shit back to life?

I got it. And since their babies are born dead, they need Frankenstein's tech to juice the babies to life, which just makes no sense. Don't they need like werewolf tech? They need a lot of tech. The movie repeats. It kind of starts over in the middle. Yes. They need like werewolf tech? They need a lot of tech. The movie repeats. It kind of starts over in the middle.

Yeah, they need like two people's tech. Two movies. Yeah, they take a three minute break and then the action just starts again. Yeah. He's like, wear my wet hat. We're starting the movie. Everybody who lives in Transylvania

seems unfazed by the existence of flying vampire harpies? Well, that's the weird thing is they stay in at night. Everybody's out at night like, life is great! Well, they also are like, you killed them, come on. They eat one of us a month, it's not that big of a deal. That's the funniest part of the movies. They have, in their world, they've decided it's OK if the vampires eat a couple of them once a month.

They've worked the balance out. They're just like, Van Helsing, we got a thing. The vampires come in. Stop fucking it up, man. They eat a couple of people. That's the guy, the caretaker guy. Who loves death. That guy just loves it.

It was so ironic that he was digging a grave And then he actually ended up in the grave. Yeah It's good storytelling Yeah, I did love the set design it was made me feel like I was doing Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios Cuz I was like one step below that it was like It was so like I mean in the CGI in this movie, they stole all the Lord of the Rings CGI, so it was the first movie outside Lord of the Rings that did it,

but they didn't quite like finish it or something. The CGI is rough. It's terrible, and everybody, like the brides, the female like harpy kind of characters. Their shit's crazy. Like you just have to imagine that those actors are in a room and also the brother who keeps turning into a werewolf and so forth. But when he turns into it he rips his skin off.

That was horrifying. That was awful. He is of scant fur. Scant fur. That's what it's implying. It's as if to say there's a wolf underneath the skin. Once I rip myself of the skin, I will be the wolf. Yes.

Rip, rip, rip, rip. And it's crazy gross. It's disgusting. But the actor, you know, the actor is just shirtless, like, rah! And they're like, great, more. It's like his performance is crazy. All the brides and the brides and Dracula

keep doing this thing where they are opening their mouths to one another, but not kissing. No, those poor women. It's so much grosser than kissing. It's like, we all agree kissing is gross. Yeah. They were there for like six months to a year. They had no lines.

Oh, yeah. All they did was scream. Each other's names. Right. Or like lick the air. Yeah. I also found that Dracula had a hard time with what to do with his hands. Like, he was always like hugging himself like this.

And it was like, if you watch his hands in the movie, they're a lot like, mm you watch his hands in the movie, it's, they're a lot of like, mm, mm. He didn't look good. He needed pockets. He didn't look good. He wasn't a good, he was puffy. Yeah. Well Hugh Jackman not doing any sort of accent besides the cute.

Oh. It's kind of British. He had like a little bit of that like 1920s accent. Like. I don't know what he was just bad movie accent Making an effort but yeah, everyone else is like going like what is going on? What is Transylvania is like? Oh, here's the deal really good I worked out Halloween Horror Nights two years

I worked on Halloween Horror Nights two years ago. Um, the, uh, the, uh, wait. Well, there's so much stuff to talk about. But there also is nothing. Yes. I know. Well, that's what I wrote. There's simultaneously so much to talk about, and honestly, we could end the show now. I know. Five minutes in, I just wrote so much screaming.

It's just an assault. It's a constant assault. I wrote, he doesn't seem to have any specific skills. Like, he literally... That goes for everyone. He has terrible aim. He shoots 100,000 of those arrows at one point right at Kate Beckinsale as she's running away. And it's like, it's like psychotic.

Like, what does he do? What does he do? And it's like psychotic. Like what does he do? What does he do? What is his ability? Why is he the James Bond? Why is he Van Helsing? Why? Great question. Yeah, and what is his secret?

What's his past? I don't understand. We can't remember. We never find out and we don't care. He doesn't even seem passionate about killing them. Like, and that's what I'm, my understanding of Van Helsing was like, I must kill Dracula, I need to do this. He doesn't seem to be like,

he's like, well, another day, another dollar. Like whatever. When they tell him to go to 7-Eleven, he'd be like, okay, fine, yeah, sure. What do you want? Big gold picture. When the priest at the beginning is like, we're gonna send you to Transylvania.

Oh, you wanna hear? Dracula is there, and he's like, Dracula? As if to say, like, I thought that was, like, a story. No, wait, what? Like, this is like, this is your whole, like, ethos. See, I read it like this. I read it like he's like, Dracula, didn't I kill Dracula?

And, like, there's mold, like, because I feel like this movie is like, he killed a majority of the main villains. So if they were to do a sequel, like, he killed majority of the main villains if they were to do a sequel. What, the creature from the Black Lagoon? I mean, you're really trying. But then when Dracula introduces himself,

he calls himself Dragulia or something? What did he say? Dragulia. Yeah, Dragulia. He says Dragulia. They're like, Dracula, Dracula. And he's like, I'll tell you about your past later. And just so you know, my name is Dragulia.

Here, here is, here is, I really never talk about it. I did write down that the running and fighting to talking ratio is about 90 to 10. It's amazing. But this is Dracula kind of introducing himself. Here we go. Is this your silver steak?

This hat is ridiculous. Three, four hundred years. By the way, Van Helsing looks shocked. Like, whoa. Whoa, hey. And meanwhile, this guy's like, hey, Gabriel, what's up? You don't remember, do you? Meanwhile, this guy's like, hey Gabriel, what's up? Ha ha ha ha. You don't remember, do you? Exactly what is it I should be remembering? You are the great Van Helsing,

trained by Maksim Mulas from Tibet to Istanbul, protected by Rome herself. Wait, so by the way, his secret identity is his actual identity. It's like saying, like, you don't remember anything. Your name is Van Helsing. Oh, so it was the same? So, at what point someone should draw the line? Nobody found him and was like, we will call you Van Helsing.

Nope, you've always been called Van Helsing for hundreds of years. I guess that was not the Draghulia clip. I mean, it's not exactly like he's Jason Bourne. Like, his mind wasn't wiped ten years ago. Right, exactly. But yet it was. When was it wiped? Who the fuck knows? They never say. For sins he committed in the past

that he never finds out about. Which is, by the way, the same exact storyline for Wolverine. Yes, that's the same. Wolverine's mind is also, memories rather, are also erased. And he's old and he's been around for many, yeah. Yes, all Hugh Jackman wants to play. Yes, is an immortal hero.

When do my memories get erased, eh? I have a few now. It's all I want. This man's memory's too present. Maybe he just... Maybe he can't remember his life. his memories too present. Maybe. Maybe he can't remember his life. What if he can't remember things? I wrote this one. The bad guy's plan fails halfway through the movie.

Yeah. For no reason. Like they don't stop it. It just fails. They should have just like, it felt like. They could have left it alone. Yeah, they're just like, oh, they could have not showed up ever and the movie would have just like, it felt like- They could have left it alone. Yeah, they're just like, oh they could have not showed up ever, and the movie would have just not happened.

It feels like an improv scene, it's like, oh we already said that other stuff and we gotta keep on going before we're gonna get the blackout, so let's keep on justifying. Pop all the gargoyles. What else, what else? How about a horse-drawn carriage chase? But it's like, like really exciting. There's very long action scenes in this. I wrote, this werewolf just keeps falling into rivers. It's so true. Doesn't he fall over cliffs into water like...

Like multiple times. He never learns. He's a clumsy werewolf. It also is that time of CGI where the actors were bad at looking at CGI. Yeah, they did it now. Oh, this! Where is it? Ah, I'm so scared of it! It's like in the 50s when they were bad at driving.

Yeah. It also feels like they didn't get if it would look real or not. So, like, they were afraid to pretend too hard. They were like, it won't look that real. I'll hedge my bets, like, I don't know about this. I liked the woman who falls out of a building and the carl catches her and then she's like what can I do to repay you and he's like fuck me. And she goes okay. No no it's even better because he goes stop stop stop stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

She goes, can we do that? I thought you were a monk. Like it's like a weird aside whispered, which is so much creep. Yeah, and then he goes, no, I'm just a friar. And she goes, mm. She's like friar fuck. Yeah.

And then the next time we see her is when he like throws her over the couch. Great porn name. She's walking up by him landing on her. Fry or fuck. Fry or fuck. It's my favorite Robin Hood porn parody. Yeah, the female parts in this movie are amazing.

It's also a good game show where you choose whether to fry some food or... Fry or fuck. Or fuck. Or fuck. I always pick fry. I don't know why. Or I fuck. Or fuck! I always pick fry. I don't know why, but... Oreos are a good friend. Not me. Not me.

I don't want a fucking Oreo. I can't believe that guy fucked all those potatoes. It was so clearly frying. He could have just had French fries. And he fried three women, which was crazy. I couldn't believe that. You know what? I get why that show was canceled.

Yeah, it was pretty dark. Wildly unpredictable show. Fry or fuck! That's our next t-shirt. That's a t-shirt. That's our next t-shirt. That's a fucking t-shirt right there. Carl also has my favorite line in the movie. I forget what happened because a lot of people are falling and whatever. Carl.

Carl. Carl, when he falls and he sees something bad happen, he goes, must warn somebody. Like, it was, somebody! They hadn't even written, they hadn't written who yet. They haven't written who yet. My favorite line in the movie was when Beckinsale went, I've never been to the sea. I know, which is-

Oh, but it's beautiful. Romania, by the way, on the sea! Yeah. On the Black Sea. Yeah, oh yeah. The opening scene's on the ocean! Yeah. On the Black Sea! Yeah. Oh yeah. The opening scene's on the ocean, I think. Yes!

They're on a boat. That's helping in helping in Carl get there on a boat. I love the ending. Yeah, she's buried at sea, isn't she? Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, I get it now. Oh, and things keep...

Wait a minute! No, she's not actually... She says that line after she's been to the sea, because the werewolf falls over her into the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure that's a lake. Oh. The funniest part also is they just keep blow darting Frankenstein, whatever it is.

Frankenstein, I have a controversial statement. Frankenstein is the smartest person in the movie. Oh, yes. Total. Wait, why? 100%. Frankenstein is the reanimated pieces of seven different men. He has empathy, compassion, and an understanding

of what's happening. He's like, why are you doing this? Go, help Ben Helsing. Get out of here. Also, he is built like a rockum sockum robot. When he gets punched in the face, his face goes, plunk, like just opens up. You gotta squeeze it back together.

The only person I trust in this movie is Frankenstein. I like the Frankenstein stuff. I like Frankenstein. I like when they put him in ice. Literally put him in ice cube. I liked the beginning when they brought him into like a rickety windmill of Bibles and absence and then everyone came with fire and you're like, what's gonna happen?

And was he like, did he, like when the windmill collapsed, like he just stayed underground for the rest of his days? I guess for a year, I thought it was like 400 years, but I guess it was just a year. For one calendar year. It's been eight months I've been in this cave. It's not that bad. And they're like holding up.

I'm just gonna eat these little tiny chicken bones and put them in a stack. I want them on a fryer fuck. Is he, okay. I don't even really wanna know the answer to this, but why in the beginning, I'm assuming, are we seeing Kate Beckinsale and her brother's father in that scene?

No, them. I have no idea. They're in that opening scene? Oh wait, I thought it. In the opening scene. Oh. Like is the father part of, is their father part of the official?

The one leading the charge? Yeah, with the cross, where they're like, in these like, look who's here! And the brother's like, father? Like where did that guy get burned up? All right, so this is- That guy was like exposition man. Oh, this is it, hold on, this is-

I thought that was The Undertaker. Yeah, The Undertaker. That is The Undertaker. Oh, it is? All right, let's see, this is- But the father, it doesn't, it's okay if it's not- I did not follow this movie. All right, so this is up in the, this is up in the undertaker. Oh it is. All right, let's see. But the father it doesn't it's okay I did not follow this movie. So this is up in the this is up in the Frankenstein house. Okay, this movie's crazy Oh, we haven't even talked about the map that turns into a door to just another castle The Tresco, the transforming Tresco

We never saw that which by the way, sorry I've missed my great computer abilities Which he has like the one lone piece to but they never realized that that would fit into a big giant map And all you need to do is say a thing out loud and it like becomes animation Ice wall He dies Okay He just dies. He dies. Yeah. Okay, standard Christmas, thanks, sir. Yeah, this opening is great. Exposition man.

Wait a minute. Paul, this opening is not great. This opening is great. I did not hate this opening. I thought this opening. I didn't mind it. I liked it. I was like, oh, this is actually, like, I think it totally said something until you

saw this guy who looked like he's like a steampunk cosplayer. Yeah, no, this guy looks like a, this guy looks like a character from a movie. Yeah. I mean, I think he's like a character from a movie. Yeah. I mean, I think he's like a character from a movie. Yeah. I mean, I think he's like a character from a movie. Yeah. I mean, I think he's like oh, this is actually the okay. Okay, okay Totally said something until you saw this guy who looked like he's like a steampunk This guy looks like a character in like a goon comic book. Yeah fucking

All right, so Frankenstein the doctor so like is there is there See only in a conversation All right, so Frankenstein, the doctor. So like is there, is there dad not part of this? Oh no. See, only in a conversation. I was beginning to think that Victor. I teleport conversation. It's okay, it doesn't matter. I just am so curious because then they find later that the father is all charred up.

Ah! Oh. Oh my god. That is so hot. It's so scary. There's parts of this that are so scary. Yeah, it's one of those movies where they're also, they play into every trope,

but then they're not content to keep it simple. It's like, this vampire has nine million vampire teeth. Like, all right, I guess. But then he's, it's thrown into a fire, but he's sort of, like, down for a minute and then turns into a bat. Like, I don't understand the rules. And a shadow.

Everyone can fly. He's a shadow as well at certain points, right? No, they just only show his shadow. They're waiting for the real deal. For budgetary purposes, I would imagine. I see. They're like, we got 12 shots where he's this bad thing. The bad ladies all the time.

And then when he turns into the animal and then he comes back to himself, his clothes are back on his body. Yes. He never breaks out of his clothes. His clothes. Their clothes don't burn. Fashion doesn't burn.

Apparently Hugh Jackman was going to be full on nude in this movie, but they added a loin cloth to his Why? His werewolf costume. Which is an odd choice if he was gonna be like, yeah this is the movie where I'll show my dick. Yeah. Fan helping is like.

I would have liked to see that. Just flop it around. I trust Steven Sommers. Yeah. That is crazy. Has he ever gone like full frontal? Asking for a friend. Full Jackman.

Full Jackman. I would like to see that. Put in the huge and Hugh Jackman. Ew. I bet he has a giant dick though, all jokes aside. Totally. Hugh, no, he's not circumcised. No.

Now why, eh? His dick also has a small little pilgrim hat on it. Yeah, he has a little sopping wet pilgrim hat. What is the hat? The hat makes no sense. It was like a Fornán Blanz hat. Do you remember what it was? And I said, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I thought it was like a John Popper hat.

Yeah. Just a lot Popper hat. Yeah. Just a lot of harmonicas on it. All of a sudden, like, Van Helsing plays, music sues the savage beast. We're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're. The, he, the hat is a lot of hat work in the movie. Like, Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, he takes the hat, he puts it on. Then he takes the hat back and puts it on.

Bec and Saul gets the hat, she puts it. Everyone Then he takes the hat back and puts it on. Beckinsale gets the hat, she puts it. Everyone's putting on this hat, which I feel like they're like, oh man, wait for Halloween. We're gonna stock up on these fucking pilgrim hats. I thought the hat was gonna have some magical powers or something, but then no. Well, it feels like every piece of the movie

was orchestrated to be the beginning of a franchise. Like, this hat's gonna have meaning. And the queue scenes, people hat's gonna have meaning. And like, the cue scenes, people are gonna love that shit. Like, they're gonna love Carl. They're still trying that shit! Did you watch that Mummy shit? They like couldn't be trying harder.

All they want, they think universal thinks. You care about monsters. Yeah, they think you. No. You fucking dumb-dumbs. Yeah. you are. They think you. No. You fucking dumb-dums. Yeah. Out there or at home thinking, I wish I could see a Mummy movie right now. Yeah.

Or The Wolf Man. I wish I could see what was up with The Wolf Man right now. That's what they think about you. Who cares? It's like a bunch of executives in a room who've never seen The Conjuring. It's like, now we know what will scare them, The Wolf. Yeah, it's like, no, what's crazy is Universal makes all those Jason Blum fucking movies.

They still think you want to see a mummy. What? It's all because they want to be like, Marvel's got a universe. We got a universe too. You don't need a universe. Refood, Abbott, Costello. Dracula.

That's Shrek. Dracula's a mummy, Van Helsing, I don't know. It's psychotic. Oh it's crazy. What is public domain? That's what we've got. By the way, so this is something that Avril found. This movie has a lot of one thing and that is swinging. So... Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Wait, was that from this movie? Oh! Oh! I don't remember this. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, come on. I'm about to die. Seeing that masquerade again makes me remember that scene made no sense. Dracula was like, meet me at the masquerade ball, but then the masquerade ball was only like- Vampires. 100% vampires. I don't even remember a masquerade ball, but then the masquerade ball was only like, hit a fire. Vampires. 100% vampires.

I don't even remember a masquerade ball at all. It's in there. Oh yeah, remember Van Helsing is like, somewhere public, where your master won't be able to like, blah blah blah. Turn into a monster. And then it's just basically a masquerade ball of monsters. A vampire monster ball.

I feel like I zoned out for a lot of the rules. Well it's cause Van Helsing sucks at his fucking job. He's outplayed and outmatched at every turn. There's that thing in that Red Letter Media thing about Star Wars and Phantom Menace. It's like, describe any of the characters from Phantom Menace without using their job or their name. It's like, what's Van Helsing without his job or his name?

It's a hat. He's just a hat. There's nothing about it. you can't say like, oh, he doesn't even have any knowledge. He does not seem to like women that much. He's very rough with Kate Beckinsale. He knocks her out at one point. He sprays her in the face.

Instead of being like, don't go, his first course of action is to knock her out. Just to spray her unconscious. The movie would be better, arguably, if it was about Kate Beckinsale and her brother. Yes. Like, I want to know about the family whose lineage is dedicated to eradicating Dracula. You think that would be Ben Helsing's lineage, right?

Yeah, but Helsing. And her and that brother had some chemistry. Oh, she and her brother, some chemistry. She and her brother fuck. There is no doubt, Velkin and Anna are fucking. What if Van Helsing is their dad and that's what you reveal? Well that's what I thought from the second it started. I don't know why he didn't think that. He's like, I'm a vampire hunter, I don't know my past,

here's his family of vampire hunters, I should probably fuck the girl. Yeah. Like, I would be like, there's a good chance we're related. This, I don't, they're probably the family I don't know about. And he's just like, now I'll fuck her and figure this shit out later.

Like, that's crazy. You're right. Oh, fucking Van Helsing. Fucking Van Helsing. This movie is two and a half hours long. It is so long. This should have stopped. It should, they had an end, it was ending.

And then they started again. Yes. They did. Make it a 90 minute movie. This is hubris. This movie is hubris. How dare you fly so close to not the sun? Had the mummy come out?

Let's see, I wonder. Yeah, I think he got this on the back of the mummy. Yeah. Who knew Brendan Fraser was the thing that was making that shit work? Yeah, not until he's gone, you're like, wow. He really held it together. I guess he was the thing that brought it all together.

Totally. Underappreciated. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I would have loved it if they'd linked these movies up. If Brendan Fraser and Hugh Jackman had arrived in a movie together. Or been hosting an Encino Man. I want to see Encino Man.

That crossover. That indie movie. Yeah, that indie movie, right? I wanna see Incino Man. Or no? That crossover. No, it's in that other, that indie movie. Yeah, that indie movie, right? He played Frankenstein. Really? Yeah, Gods and Monsters. Gods and Monsters, yeah. Oh, that's a good movie.

That's a good movie, yeah. Wait, no, Gods of Egypt? No, God. That's a great movie. Just kidding. But that is, this is like a movie like that. It's a movie where it's like, then everything happens. not just one thing.

It's just nonstop. I wrote at like, I think it was like a half hour mark that it feels like everyone involved in this movie was hit in the head with a brick. Yeah. Good. About that time I wrote, can everyone fly? I don't understand why everyone can fly.

Physics should not apply. So I'm just realizing as we're talking too, it's like everyone can fly. Oh, yes. Physics does not apply. So I'm just realizing as we're talking too, it's like, so, all right, so Frankenstein was in Transylvania, but then Dracula was in an ice world that is all- That nobody knows where it is. That makes no sense. Right. That makes no, again, why fuck up the one thing that we know?

Yeah, where's Dracula? Transylvania? Nope, ice world in a mirror motherfucker We don't know where he is Ice world like that's nothing about that like nothing about Dracula's like he needs to be iced and then everything in that fucking castle Like here's the thing in ice. Let's put Frankenstein in ice. That's a big ice cube. That was so silly looking So sad the whole time Frankenstein cuz he's the only person that understands the movie Like get me out, please

Boarded away in the end, right? Get me away from this there was like a funeral and then he was sort of he's like I don't understand why anyone uses horse carriages or paddleboards Oh and the horses that jump in this movie are those horses supernatural. Yeah, they're just Transylvanian horses They're just Transylvanian horses. And those are the decoy horses. Those are just the decoy horses. What's the decoy horses?

Fly over a broken bridge. The regular horse. I don't know what's up in that scene. Meanwhile, Frankenstein's still afraid of fire. Like, put the fire out. But didn't seem like he knew that he was afraid of fire until he saw it in that moment, right? Well, he'd also been around that fire for a while and the windmill was on fire

yeah it made no sense his strength made no sense what was his role in the movie like how did he he was the he was the missing ingredient he was the battery that they needed to put the lightning through to charge the egg sacks that the witches gizzed out so they could make gargoyles. Wait wasn't it like the bite of a wolf man? No. What was that in the first half? Without Frankenstein's tech, the babies just blow up on their own. They pop after 18 minutes. Right, they pop after 18 minutes. They could recreate the reanimation of Frankenstein, but without his literal body, and his body would die to give life.

He's the key. So who were all the other creatures that were like, hooked up to, oh. Well, they're like the baby Banes. Hooked up to like, a electric machine. The vampire Banes that were running around. Yeah, they're like oompa loompa things. What were those?

I don't know. Nope. They were just something to kill. And the weird thing was like. And they were also like watching as Dracula, remember when the first of the brides dies, and Dracula, it's the upside down grief scene. How come she wasn't immortal?

Wasn't, how come she wasn't immortal and everyone else wasn't? Because he got her in the heart with a thing. Because he shot her 400 times finally. He dipped his crossbow in holy water. Oh, I see. And he zapped her with that, she dies, they're all like oh no

she dies but they take the time to really show her pain and agony this shit right here like registering that she will die this shit right here is straight up crazy he comes out of his ice coffin and this is the melodrama scene so he says I feel no sorrow what is he saying? yeah he's screaming with sadness at this moment. So delicate. So delicate. They're upside down.

Leave us alone. We never kill more than our field. It hurts less than our share. Walk number one. He's a Spider-Man. Awkwardly walking. And I don't stress how important it was to be finished. Can you pause for a second? This actor must have gone home at night and been like, I don't stress how important it was to be finished with an avalary.

This actor must have gone home at night and been like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. I don't know. His partner is like, how was work today? I don't know. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm like walking up walls. Half of what I'm doing is upside down.

My hair is crazy. I feel like he's like, half of what I'm doing is upside down. My hair is crazy. I feel like he's like pushing it like, maybe if I make a really insane choice, the director will say pull it back, and he never does, he's like, well now I'll go even crazier. I think he thought he was winning an Oscar. I think he thought this was like a super villain

for all time. Oh yeah. He's committed. This is his Thanos right here. This is the- Yeah. But it's weird cause it's like- He's committed. This is Thanos right here. This is. Yeah. But it's weird cause it's like. He's like using all the techniques from acting class. He is neither here nor there though at the same time. Like it's not that good. It's not that bad. No.

He doesn't have a bigger plan except he wants his children to live. By the way, good for you. Yeah. But also why? Yeah. We already have a squirrel. I get his plan They're all upset. I have no heart. No! I have no heart! I feel no love! I feel! Can you pause for a second? He says, I have no heart. I feel no love or whatever. He's like, but all he's doing is emoting. Yeah, he's so sad.

It's so emo what his, his character is so emo, but he keeps saying, I have no emotion. I don't feel anything. I have no heart. I have nothing. Beep. Ah! He is a high school student. Like, he's like, I don't care.

I don't care about anything. You don't know me. Fuck you, dad! Um. Good use of overhead space, though. Good use of overhead space. A lot of movies avoid that. You really get to see the ceilings in this. Let's go to the audience.

Let's see what you guys have to say. Who has a question, a comment, anything that you'd like us to address? Okay. Ma'am, your name, your question. My name is Sophia and I read on IMDB Trivia that the reason Dracula keeps calling him Gabriel is that in his past life Van Helsing was the angel Gabriel. Whoa! Absolutely. See, why didn't we learn that? Well that's great that you have to go to IMDB Trivia right next to IMDB Goose to get the

inside scoop. That was Steven Summers' plan. I'm trying to drive traffic to IMDB. Oh, all right, weird. Okay, but sure. And the reveal, the reveal 14 years later, is gonna come on IMDB Trivia. Your name and your question. Adina. So, apparently, Steven Summers wanted... Is it Adina Menzel?

Oh my god. Whoa, sing, sing hit the tail of the zim. Is it Adele Dazeem? Will you sing Let It Go just a little bit? The wickedly talented Adele Adina. Everyone be cool, just let her ask her question. Don't make her sing, alright? So Stephen Summers wanted Kate Beckinsale for this role,

but she was doing Underworld. But her agent insisted that she get this script, and then she signed on immediately. What about this garbage part made Kate Beckinsale want this so bad? Yeah, I don't know unless she wanted to have a dress rehearsal for Underworld. Like, she's like, you know, I'm really... She hates vampires. She wanted a corset that, cut her off right mid boob.

Mid boob corset. She was like, how do I make this not sexy? There's like the under boob corset where she's like hot. There's like the above boob corset where it's hot. And then she's like, no, I'll cut it off right in the middle. Mid boob. And then put some red fabric where you're like, is that a nipple? No.

I know, I know that was so bizarre. It was so weird. I agree. I kept being like wait Is this see-through now like what's happening? I know this is red fabric Yeah, and yes, and there's tassels maybe but it's wet. It really looks like I'm a Hollywood professional Kate beckons a professional as well. She there's no way she knew they were gonna shoot the first draft of the movie. Ha ha! Ha ha! It does feel like he wrote this in a weekend.

Absolutely. And he was like a 10 year old boy scout being like, and then there's vampires. By the way, weekend, I feel like day of. Like, now you're here and you're upset and you come in. All right, go. And then you can fly and things explode. What's interesting about it is like the promise for her,

because in success, I could see them being like, great, this is the beginning of a franchise. This is the beginning of this world. She dies in this movie. Yeah. So she's not even signing on for the franchise. No, she doesn't even get good boob placement and she dies. Why did she sign on?

You think that'd be in her contract. If you are like what Adina Menzel is telling us, if you have two scripts in front of you, Underworld and this, what about- You say both? Yes. Yes. She's already done Underworld.

You obviously say both. Is Underworld good? I missed that one as well. Underworld is terrible. Okay. But yet there's like nine sequels. They replaced Kate Beckinsale, anyway there's somebody who looks like Kate Beck nine sequels they replaced Kate Beckinsale anyway there's something who looks like Kate Beckinsale and then Kate Beckinsale

they brought her back. Yeah. Yeah I like those movies. Yeah. Kate Beckinsale wanted to be an action star I think that's what it was she's just like I'm gonna be in action movies and she's good like she's very good like physicality yeah like she's she seems she could kill vampires. I would rather watch the movie with her as like make that the choice. It's Van Helsing, but it's her boom I'm in she was Van Helsing. Yeah, it's a last name. You don't even have to change the fucking thing Pam Helsing Pam Helsing Pam Helsing and that's just They should do a modern about Dan Van Helsing? Dan Van Helsing.

They should do a modern one called Dan Helsing. Yes, your name, your question. My name's Erin. What's up with the clouds? Like the moon is still shining and the sun's still shining, but the clouds come and everything stops. Yeah, that's also part of that magic world that we don't get any insight into, right? And it's like always raining. Well, they're always wet.

Which doesn't help the corset. I also noticed that... The thing about Transylvania is like the vampires will come out if the clouds go in front of the sun. Yeah. They'll still come out, but if the clouds move away a little, they hide. They'll still come out. But if the clouds move away a little, they hide.

They hide in rubble. Yeah, that surprised me. I didn't know. Because again, in my mind, I'm like, the vampires you all seem to know come out at night. So stay indoors or underground at night and live your lives in the day. They just didn't want to shoot the whole movie at night?

Yeah. Yeah. They were like, we've got to work around this. We can't. We can't. We can't. It's too expensive. What if we just put wells throughout the countryside? Only one way to put it.

Hide in a well every time? A real risky attack. Like, why would you even, yeah, like it's just dumb. It's like, well, hopefully if there's enough cloud coverage. Yeah, why not attack at night? Yeah. But luckily the Transylvanians are totally ill-prepared for this thing that happened. Yes. All the time. Yeah, how come the Transylvanians are totally ill prepared for this thing that happens all the time.

Yeah, how come none of them have wooden stakes? I know. Why isn't it like Pacific Rim? Like they have like an infrastructure where it's like, oh the vampires are coming, like get in your vampire cages. Yeah, only that brother had silver bullets, all these other guys are shooting regular guns.

It doesn't make sense. That town was stupid. They had a box of carrots out in the middle of winter. Like I just saw that, it was like a snow covered carrots. It's like, put that shit inside, man. That's food. Keep your fucking food. It's a whole town full of idiots.

That's why the vampires were like, we'll eat these idiots. No one will miss them. You won't miss them. Yes, your name's your question. Hey, I'm Kristy. Going back to the scroll, the granddad who started this whole thing sent it to Rome to the Vatican. Sounds like a British person.

You know so much more about this movie than I do. I don't know any of these words. This person is foreign. I'm sorry. Wait, so there's a scroll? Where was the scroll? You know the thing that opens the door? The scroll was the thing that's in the map.

And he- Oh, the animated painting? He basically sent them all on this quest to be like, well, we won't go to heaven until we kill him. But he had the key to the door this whole time. He sent it? Are you Stephen Sommers? You understand this movie so much more than me.

I didn't know any of that plot. I didn't get any of that. But by the way, that makes no fucking sense. Well, again, she's British, so this is all actual history for your country. Right. I bet this was taught to you in class. Because this is the history of your country.

Wait, there was a grandfather? Well, but that, like, that was his... She said there was a grandfather with a scroll. No. Yeah, that, no, but she's... No, the priest. She said there was a grandfather. She's saying that the grandfather who was in that study

all the time who stared at the map sent that father. So wait hold on. Did we ever see this person in the film? We saw his charred remains. Yes. Yeah it was the guy who vowed like we won't die like go to heaven until Van Helsing is killed and he then all his lineage died like not going to heaven but he like gave this part of the door to the vaskin and like didn't- But he- Oh, cause he was like, I can't kill my own children was something they say,

but I'll have Van Helsing murder them. Cause he murders, that's all he does. By the way, this- That's all he's good at for. He'll murder anybody. Tell him not to murder him. Van Helsing to murder my progeny. Who do you need murdered?

Van Helsing did. He'll turn this map into a door, who cares? This should have been like the test screening for Van Helsing, like all of us, like, imagine like, whoa, wow, we really fucked up. Wait, there's a grandfather? I don't remember this character at all. Oh.

All right, sir, name your question. You have a lot of notes, let's see. Just a few. I'm Josh, and my thought was, so we have the Oompa Loompa Orcs, because that's what they are. What were those? So she goes to rescue... Who were those people? Can you explain them to us?

You know, they were these terrifying creatures? They were like minions. I thought they were like bad minions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were minions. Not funny minions. These guys definitely don't like bananas. They weren't. Exactly. Peter, Peter. But so Kate Beckinsale, she's there to go save her brother,

and they kind of chirp and bark to each other, and she goes, oh, yeah, they're taking my brother to some experiment. Like, how does she know what their language is? She speaks Minion Monster. She can fly. She's very acrobatic. They all also know where everyone else is at all times.

How do they find Frankenstein? How do they find each other? How do they find each other? How many of them? At one point, Carl is like, Anna, I need some help. Yeah. And then she's there. She's like two miles away. The movie only takes, there's three sound stages.

So they just looked around at the sound stage. There was a point when they go to the ice castle that whoever they greet some Igor says, they rebuilt the laboratory. And it was the exact same set as the previous for years so Universal Studios in LA yeah had this like haunted mansion and the haunted mansion is that laboratory that I never realized was it and And I was like, oh. Wait, universal? They had a whole Van Helsing thing. Yes, when you first walked in. They were banking on this.

Yeah, that was like, they were like, so you would walk through this haunted mansion. It was Van Helsing's haunted mansion. The hat was there. And now it's walking dead. It's walking dead now, but it was this. Ben, have you worn the hat? Oh, I wish.

To touch the brim. You can kind of tell the scenes where the budget ran out. It was like when they doubled the laboratory and then when they had that Shrek monster Jekyll and Hyde. Yes. It looked like the Rudolph cartoon. It was like Canadian TV. Yes.

I'm Canadian. Whoa. So you know. But I agree with that. So for you, what we're talking about is just TV. Just TV, yeah. But all of a sudden it was animated in really bad. You for you, what we're talking about is just TV. Just TV, yeah. But all of a sudden it was animated in really bad. You mean television, huh?

Yeah. We're talking about TV, eh? We call it television. Sir, your name, your question. My name is Jose. Going back to the eggs that were born. Absolutely. The just-out-eggs-eggs, yes?

Yeah. So Frankenstein's Monster said that it was, that first batch was born from one bride. Yeah. During one birthing. So gross. Meaning that she had all those. 4,000.

That 4,000 egg sacks. A cathedral's worth. Yeah. That's how you measure her eggs. Oh, I didn't remember. This is the thing with you. Oh, yeah. You ever been This is the thing with you. Oh yeah, you ever been with a girl who just like starts cheesing out those sacks?

I kept picturing like those toys you would put Play-Doh in and it would squirt it out in different shapes. I'm like. Oh, these vampires are like a Snoopy Snow Cone machine of egg sacs. Oh, dude. Everything you're describing makes more sense than this movie. It actually does.

I would watch a whole movie about just a one woman vampire having to birth 4,000 egg sacs. And being like, this is miserable. This is, oh God. I would watch this movie where we could stop it after every line and be like, do we understand where we're at now? Like, where does it start to lose the thread?

Your name, your question. My name's Rachel, and the beginning of the movie actually made me mad right off the bat because Frankenstein is up in the laboratory in Dracula's castle. Yeah. Why? How does the townspeople know what he's doing? He's like He's a grave robber they're mad because they know that's Dracula's castle, so they just don't fear vampires No, it's in Transylvania yes, I mean according is it Frankenstein he was in Germany according to the book Did drunk history

Just last week about Frankenstein, so I'm pretty well first I've been living to breathe in shit, man. Your prep work is incredible. Are you Frankenstein? I am Frankenstein. All right, your name, your question. My name is Grace. So Carl repeatedly says that he's just a Freuer. Freuers don't evolve into monks.

Can I just put you in pause for one second? How many people, show of hands, are British in the audience? Just super quick question. How many people in the audience hands, are British in the audience? Just super quick question. How many people in the audience are British, right there? How many people say Carl? Jason, chill out. We're trying to make it sound like we're at the London podcast. Oh, okay, cool.

I hired a bunch of scouts. I'm at the O2. But also like, what's up with how many British people? Sorry, continue. No, that's it. Friars don't evolve into monks. Friars don't evolve into monks. Friars don't evolve into... Yeah. Evolve? Wait, what do you mean?

Like, when she said, like, aren't you a monk? Friars can fuck all their lives. They don't become monks. Friars have taken a vow of celibacy. Oh, Friars can't fuck either. I think Friars just wear the same robes, right? Yeah. This is the limit of my knowledge. I think.

That's the most like- Carl could be lying though too. That's an elegant way to say I don't fucking know. I'm gonna steal that, that's so British. This is the limit of my knowledge. That's what I say. I'm gonna steal that, that's so British. That's what I say. This is the limit of my knowledge.

This is the limit of my knowledge. This is the limit of my knowledge. There are so many great facts about this movie. We were talking about Frankenstein before, but the actor who played Frankenstein, Schuller Hensley, reprised his role. Sherman Hensley? No, there are no black people in this movie. Moving on up, moving on up.

There are only white people in this movie. I don't know if you noticed. Schuller Hensley reprised his role of Frankenstein's monster in the stage adaptation of Young Frankenstein. Where? Yeah. And this is an interesting thing too. We were talking about like, while the film is an homage to 30 and 40 Universal monster films,

the inclusion of Mr. Hyde is odd because Mr. Hyde is a MGM movie monster. What the fuck? So like, in making this movie, they just went to another, like you have the rights to everything, why go out of that? All these critics of the theory. Why wasn't it the Hunchback of No True Pucking Day?

Which I think they didn't get the rights to Hunchback. But they had the, that's a universal monster, listen, I know a lot about this. I think they dubbed it. And also, you know, this is obviously gonna be a franchise But then they also had a spinoff TV series that NBC was gonna do called Transylvania which would have been about a Wild West sheriff who was taken to Europe to battle monsters with an occasional appearance by Hugh Jackman occasional appearance by Hugh Jackman. Whoa.

Absolutely. I'm into that. That's cool. That's kind of dope actually. This is in a musical. Howdy Frankenstein. I just want to hear the words howdy Frankenstein on screen one day.

I do like that, that juxtaposition of an old west sheriff is like. It's just the only other stupid bullshit that isn't in this movie. Your horses jump half far? It's High Moon. High Moon, High Moon. That's a good name for that. Oh, High Moon.

No, they called it Transylvania. So obviously we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for second opinions. The CG is always keener in somebody else's eyes. You may think the movie's garbage, but you're in for a surprise. You may think the plot is bonkers, you may think the acting's wild, but looking through online comments, you'll find people quite beguiled.

Second opinions, second opinions. Surely, surely it's crazy that those who are crazy are studio minions. Rotten Tomato says it's crap, but these brave people know better than that. Reclaiming their time now on Amazon Prime, now second opinions. This is great.

Give it up for Brady. There you go. Well done, well done. Wow, that was, that was awesome. There you go. Well done, well done. Wow. That was, that was awesome. That was really good. Really good. Alright, these are five star reviews, Cole from Amazon.

Did you give him a skinny poster? I did. He walked away with a poster from the end. This is the worst gift of all time. Could you, this is the instructions to redeem that. Yes. There are six steps. Uh-huh. To get a free mini poster of this ticket. So you're trying to redeem your mini. Is it a fan housing ticket? Step one, go to Regal Crown Club. Step two, sign into your Crown Club account.

If you don't have one, you gotta make one. Step three, navigate to the Prendner IMAX mini poster. Then there's three more steps. So the gift we're giving is one in which you are essentially spammed. We give you a gift that is your identity is stolen. And it just says Predator. That's not good.

We turn you into spam. There are 1,341 customer reviews for Van Helsing. The average is 4.5 out of 5 stars. Wow, OK. We're all going to die. The stars. Wow, okay. We're all gonna die. The world's gonna end. We're all gonna die. This is the last generation of people. It's for the best. And this one is called Something for the Whole Family written by Red Hall. And it starts out like this. Another home run for Hugh Jackman. A twist on a set of classic tales with a new perspective. Kate Beckinsale shines as she flawlessly puts

on a completely unique persona. In fact, I didn't even know it was her. Until I went to IMDB to see who was playing Princess Anna. The outfit really gives you a new- She's a princess? You don't find out until two hours into the movie. The outfit really gives you a new perspective on her form of acting.

That's gross. Boob cut off, yeah. And then writes, violence yes, but for me and my family, violence is easy for us to use as a teaching opportunity. So enjoy. It's easy. By the way, what kind of teaching opportunity are you?

Don't kill that part. I don't know what you would say. It's easy. Yeah you would say like if anyone ever gives you an oozy crossbow don't use it yeah don't use it this one Suke's. Yeah. This one is written by Ellie, and her name is Ellie Straight Up Dumb Blonde. Cool name. It's not me. And Ellie writes, this was such a great movie.

Me and my sister went to go see it, and I thought it was going to be scary, but it ended up being the best movie ever. Exclamation points times like 10. It was so awesome. If you don't want one that's not scary, but a little scary, then it's right in the middle. It's the best movie ever.

Exclamation, exclamation, exclamation. I can't wait till it comes out so then I can buy it. And I loved it. And I hope all the other people that have seen it like it too. Amazing five stars. Wow. She loved it.

She really was into it. This one is, this is a great one. This is from Comic, sorry, Cosmic Debris. The title is Oh My God and it goes like this. This is truly the best lightning related movie ever. First of all, there is no way back to the future is not the best lightning related movie ever. They go, lightning happens at least 10 times a minute in Van Helsingland. True, true, true. A true lightning lover's dream.

Whoa. And what an amazing group of characters with, and then. Lightning lover's dream. Some sort of person who's horny for lightning? He just gauges the quality of movies on how much lightning there is. Oh shit, it looks like storm clouds are coming in. Get those pants out! Get those pants out! That movie had 10 strikes per minute, man.

That was a 10 strike per minute movie, man. Oh my gosh. By this movie. It's that lightning porn, I wonder. It ends with buy this movie now, don't rent it first, just buy it, you won't regret it. Wow. That would be a weird fetish to find out,

like on a Tinder date. Yeah. Why do people wanna go to Seattle? We have to watch Twitch again? Why do you want me to hold this big, long metal... Exactly. Why do you have a kite with a set of keysticks? He's the guy who puts shopping carts back in the grocery store parking lot in the rain.

Who are you dating? Me? This, uh, this final one is... Sadness. I'm not kidding. This final one is by Gary Lichtenwaller, and, um, and it goes like this. Sign from God. Jesus will use all things for my good. This movie gives me hope.

In the afterlife, I get a wife. That's his takeaway. God is so good. Thy kingdom come. Thank you to everyone involved in making this movie. Your God, send amen. Oh my God. What are you talking about? So basically he's like,

hang on, when he dies, there will be pretty women like Kate Beckinsale in heaven waiting for him. Can I ask you an honest question? Does that work? I don't know. We can find out. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh know. We can find out. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

That's so awful. They're so sad. Yeah, yeah. He sees this movie and is like, I can find love when I die. Someone watched Red Helsing and thought to themselves, I'm going to die and find love. Yes, when I die then it will happen for me. This movie eternally validated their existence.

He's like, yes, life will be hell. That's so fucked up. Swiping on the app and then being like, oh, I don't need to do this. When I die, Kate Beckinsale's going to fuck me. But is that the takeaway from the movie? The takeaway from the movie is, oh yeah, like, oh good, well there'll be good people,

good beautiful people in heaven. Like, I mean, that's not really the takeaway. I mean, it's crazy. No, because when they're dead, like, she's still fucking her brother, right? Yeah. That was heavily applied. Yeah.

Also, did he not enjoy the movie until that final scene? Yeah. The whole time he's like, I'm still going to die and be alone. And then at the end he was like, I will never get married. No. That guy, you could describe his religion as Van Helsing. Like, his theology is Van Helsing. And when he dies, what he thinks will happen

is based on Van Helsing. Van Helsing. Ah, yes, I studied the book of Van Helsing. Yeah, exactly, Steven Summers, the Summersian Van Helsing. The Old Testament is of course his IMDB, the New Testament is the movie. There are women who've been on a date where they're like, have been told,

oh, well, you know, I believe that, like, what awaits me is a Van Helsing-style... Ride. ...postmortem love. Cape Beckinsale style. Now hold this lightning rod. Yeah. That's sticky. Um, this movie, of course, was written and directed by Stephen Summers.

So it's all his fault. There's no one else to blame. What do you think the budget for this movie was? $45 million. $85 million. $120 million. I like around $80. $160 million. $120 million. I like around 80. OK. $160 million.

Whoa! Fuck. Fuck this person. $160 million. That's so stupid. Can I ask why? Because everything was fake. If a log fell, it was fake.

Why did they do that? Why did they spend that much money to make this in 2004? Because I think how many Mummy movies had been made at that point. At this point, I think the Mummy Returns was Scorpion King. I think they thought they were on the precipice of a new thing.

The opening weekend was $51 million. It made $120 million domestically. It did well. $300 million worldwide. It came in 16th place of all the movies in 2014. I'm actually shocked there was not a sequel. Yeah. How was there not a sequel?

Well, they tried to reboot it with- How do you make $300 million and not trigger a sequel? I feel like the actor saw the movie. Whoa. Bad reviews. But then Guillermo del Toro and Tom Cruise are going to reboot it in 2009. What? And they did not. And then, yeah.

We're gonna reboot Van Helsing? Van Helsing, and then they went to The Mummy. Well, one of them went to The Mummy. Tom Cruise went to The Mummy. The top three films of 2004, Shrek 2. And Guillermo del Toro was attached to make Creature from the Black Lagoon. Oh, right. Yeah, for a while.

Which is what turned into Shape of Water. Top three. Ah, he was just like, fuck you, Universal, I'm making this shit on my own. I'm gonna have this lady fuck this monster. Oh my God. Fish Man's got a dick. He'll do what Van Helsing could never do. I tried to watch that movie seven times.

I could watch Van Helsing like seven, like 10 times before I watched Shape of Water. Really? I couldn't get through it. I kept trying. I would try to like hold my eyes open and I just couldn't do it. Wow. I drunkenly told Guillermo del Toro

that if he had showed that monster's dick, it would have been the best movie of the year. Agreed. How did he respond to that? Just sent. He did not seem to agree. Yeah. He's like, I won the Oscar somehow. Can someone... It's like, you almost had me, man,

but then you just hit... You shrugged. I got to see that fish dude's dick. Almost pulled cinema. Someone here put that in IMD trivia. Yeah, exactly. Top three films, Shrek 2, Spider-Man 2, and The Passion of the Christ, number three. Yeah. And...

Mel Gibson's a brilliant filmmaker. This film, the film beat movies that we've done in this podcast, Catwoman and Sky Captain. Those are the two movies that have beat there. But wow, there you go people. That is Van Helsing. Anything that you guys, we did not talk about that you guys want to talk about. I mean, the windows. The glass shit they walk through? That was stupid. Yeah.

What was that? Yeah, they weren't affected by gravity or glass. At some point, someone said, well, that's not good. Someone also said, like, that's my job. Like, again, the way that they talk in this movie is not right. They also thought Carl was hilarious. Yeah, I mean, well, I feel like they were like,

just something, like lighten the tone here. I feel like they're like, can you believe Carl got laid? I wrote three different times in my notes, this is terrible. No. No. I don't know, anything else?

The magical syringe kind of, like when they're like, it's so much magic in the movie and they're like and there's a cure for his wolf manism and it's in just a syringe. And as the most obscene, it's like you have to get him while the clock is dinging to midnight but not after midnight. I didn't get that at all. But werewolf needs to fight vampire and then get cured. Like, there was a rule. It made no sense, because he knew enough

to fight the vampire, but he didn't know enough not to kill the woman that he's been fucking trying to save the entire time. But again, it doesn't matter because he kills her and the movie counts that as a victory. Yes. He kills her and the movie counts that as a victory. He kills her and the director tells the audience, good job.

Surprise, surprise, the man that represents the church is like, kills the woman and is like, I did it. But I also saw it as a prequel to Hurricane Heist because those faces went up in the clouds and maybe that's the face that we see in the Hurricane Heist clouds. see in the Hurricane Heist clouds. Face in the Hurricane Heist clouds? Yes, get involved.

I gotta go see that movie. What is Hurricane Heist? There is a fucking face that, like they look up and it's like. It's not a supernatural movie. No, that was a stylistic choice. Yep. Wow.

I had that same idea for a movie. That's why I haven't watched it. Oh. Damn. Damn. I haven't watched it. Oh. Damn. I'm upset about it. Jason, would you recommend watching this movie? I would not. People shouldn't watch this movie.

It's just bad. It's not fun bad enough to warrant the 2 1⁄2 hours running time, and it's not... It's bad. It's real bad. This movie is bad. In comparison to Shape of Water. Shape of Water is much better than this movie.

Like, like markedly better than this movie. So, so, so much better than this movie. This movie makes Shape, this Shape of Water is like a real good movie. This movie looks like the shit that Shape of Water took in order to look real good and fit into a tux. And again, we understand that, you know, all opinions are subjective, so Ricky, we know where you stand on Shape of Water.

I would not recommend Van Helsing. I don't know what happened. It was really long. It wasn't fun or scary. It should have been one of the two, and it wasn't either. And the hot people didn't even look good. Like, Hugh Jackman had, like, a wet pilgrim hat, and Nellie Olsen curls, like, maybe eyeliner.

And then Kate Beckinsale had the weird boob nipple corset. The red shirt thing was weird. Somebody should have been like, you know what, this looks like her nipples. Right. Like, one of those things should have worked out, and they didn't, and it was long. I agree. Still haven't finished Shape of Water, though.

Ben. You did get through this. What do you think? Yeah, I did get through this. What do you think? I love monster stuff, and I think if you have two and a half hours, go volunteer or something. Do some good work.

Seth? Yeah, it's, no, don't watch it. And if you see Stephen Summers on the street, kick him in the fucking shins or something and tell him, you wasted $165 million, you fucking dick. Like, that's so much money. It's crazy. How much of that do you think, as a filmmaker, how much of that was in the hats?

What was the hat money? 40 to 45 million dollars. I agree. It was good. Don't hurt Steven Summers physically, but emotionally berate him if you. I, like I said, I saw this after watching Hereditary, and it was a real nice palate cleanser for me.

So I watched it and I was like, that was a jaunty two hours. Like it felt light to me, it felt nice. Made me not think of some of the images that I had just seen and where I went to as a parent. But now thinking back on it, I don't have that kind of, yeah. I would say if you watched Hereditary, throw this on. This movie has one role and that's as a chaser

to the film Hereditary, which is a weird reason to spend $165 million to as a chaser to the film hereditary which is a weird reason to spend a hundred and sixty five million dollars to be a chaser for a movie that won't come out for 14 or 15 years. All good filmmakers are about for their time. I would love it if somehow we triggered because of our fans watching this movie if we triggered some sort of sequel. I mean, they've started this dark universe like once or twice and closed it down again.

I mean, it's like no one is interested in seeing nobody can classic movie monsters. Nobody cares. They just have to be scary. Yeah. Like make it scary and don't. Or sexy or one of the things. But they always make it kind of like this on Simone.

Because they're dumb ideas! Like, it's because it's dumb! Yeah, right, it's like the idea from the 1940s! Exactly! One of the odds that's gonna hold up. It's not the 19th, like Frankenstein's fucking 300 years old or some shit like that. Oh yeah, fucking Jason and Freddie don't even really hold up anymore. No, crazy! You know what's scary? The internet. Yes.

That's what's scary. You know what's not scary? A mummy. A mummy. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Cut to me. The wolf man.

Cut to me getting home tonight and being like, oh great, there's a mummy. Yeah, that's what I'm like. If you get killed by a mummy, that would be... Please get killed by a mummy, that would be the irony. You would appreciate it. But then if you would be like, all right. It's Stephen Summers just dressed up in toilet paper. This cost me $4,000.

It's got $48 million. What are the odds though? It's like a 3,000 year old idea. What are the odds that's going to hold up? Like movies from 1983 don't hold up nothing like oh yeah This is from BC I Will just give a big thanks to Nate Kylie does all of our research Avril Halle who pulls all these amazing

amazing great clips and Thank you everybody we're gonna pose for our picture right now. Here we go.