I Don't Know About That - Australian Reptiles with Jessi Krebs

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

In this episode the team covers Australian Reptiles with Jessi Krebs.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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also fingernails are they related to toenails you might find out about this on I don't know about that with Jim Jeffries hi hi welcome to the scientist and the bear and Kelly.

That's our new radio show. I'm the scientist? I'm the scientist. I've got a goatee. I'm a scientist. You're a bear. You're a bear, though. I have a degree. Everyone looks at you and goes, that's a bear. Not in the gay sexual way.

No, no, that's... It's not the regular sexual way. That's my nickname. It's a gay sexual way, too. My girlfriend's nickname is that she calls me something bear always. Bear. Also, I could have been the bear too. Kelly bear.

No, no, no. Something bear. It's got words before and afterwards. It's I can't and you. I don't get it. I can't bear you. Fuck it. This is why Ellen has problems oh we're back to this

it's when you've got subordinates that don't laugh at your bear jokes Ellen started out that show with good intentions she had a couple of shoes on and she was like I'm about to dance I'm about to dance and then she danced

and then someone like you Forrest came and ruined it and went maybe you shouldn't dance so much She was like, I'm about to dance. I'm about to dance. And then she danced. And then someone like you, Forrest, came and ruined it. Went, maybe you shouldn't dance so much. And she said, stop looking at me. The great thing about us mentioning Ellen on this show is we did it two podcasts ago. But we recorded that podcast at a different time. Hashtag free Ellen. This podcast is currently happening at a certain time, but will come out two weeks later, so Ellen can be

dead. Unless Ellen has killed someone or said the N word or something. Oh, I'm pro. I'm team Ellen. Now, I've got to tell you, Ellen's the only show. The only show? Oh, no, there's one other show. There's two shows. James Corden's never had me on, and the Ellen show's

never had me on. That's because you called James Corden fat on your show i did i like james i get along with james fine that's i was talking about the different things about bill maher it was more about bill maher and my opinion on fact no it was exactly about james corden james corden bitched a little bit about being called fat yeah and they didn't bitch about he. He bitched about Bill Ma talking about fat people, and he got his feelings hurt. Would you have somebody on your podcast that insulted you or your show? Sure. He's got us on here.

I have you on every week. It was only mild ribbing. Oh, I'm with you. I'm with you. Of course I would. Of course I would. I'm not sure if you're the Ellen demographic anyway. I don't know.

I'd like to be an Ellen. Okay. Sean Hayes, who I'm in production with. He hosts Ellen when Ellen's not there. I could be on a Sean Hayes. Again, though, he's the demographic, though. Yeah. What are you trying to say here, Forrest?

Say it. Just say it out loud. The people, the Ellen viewers enjoy what? Not hearing somebody say cunt. That's what I was going to say, yeah. No, no no no Kelly Ripper I'll tell you my Kelly Ripper story I have a little crush on Kelly Ripper she's all right her she's all right gorgeous nothing wrong with Kelly Ripper right I was doing uh Fallon that's a cool name Ripper yeah the coolest and I think she's funny I think she's funny they give her they give her a different host every three months and she just fucking rolls with it.

She just goes, fine. Which bloke's sitting next to me? No problem. And then she turns out. So she was on. Oh, Regis, RIP. I was doing, yeah, Regis. And so I was doing Fallon

and the other guest was Kelly Ripper. And Kelly Ripper was on before me and I'm backstage and I'm waiting to go on. And Fallon talked about this on the next episode. This is how monumental this moment was. On the next episode of his show he mentioned this story um so fallon who we love there's a photo of him here somewhere we we like fallon anyway so so fallon i was doing his show and before that there he is look at him he's like me if i put effort in anyway so so we we were doing the show and then uh kelly rip was on

before me and she was talking about they always do a big halloween episode right and her big story was they do different they do like after each segment they do a different outfit they're changing outfits all the time she was doing it with ryan seacrest and she goes and ryan dressed up like a girl and she goes you'd be surprised how much of a convincing woman Ryan Seacrest makes. And everyone laughed, right? Then it's my turn to come out. Now, when you do these shows, the guests on before you,

sometimes you never meet them because they come on, they do their spot, and then they leave. And by the time you – I'm always the second spot because I'm not as famous as the first person, right? So then when you're doing the second spot, you never see these people again. So anyway, so anyway, so anyway, so I go out. The first thing I said is, ah, it was good having Kelly Ripper here, eh?

I go, she just told us that Ryan Seacrest made a convincing woman. That was a shock to us all, wasn't it? Eh? Who didn't think that Ryan Seacrest would make a convincing woman? Got a good laugh. And then I went, oh, God, Kelly's probably gone. I can rip on her. There's no problem.

She's not going to see this anyway. She's already home, right? So we finished the show. I go back to my dressing room. My dressing room, all the lights are turned out. I turn it on and Kelly Ripper's sitting in my makeup chair in the dark like a fucking Bond villain. And she swivels around and she's like, you thought I'd left?

Anyway, I love Kelly Ripper. Big fan. Anyway, so Kelly Ripper, she said she'd have me on the show, but it's yet to happen. I'm looking forward to that day when I can be on The Ripper. Yeah. The Ripper. The Ripper.

The Ripper. She said Philbin says that they had her as a guest on the show, and then when Kathie Lee Gifford had her final show and they had to replace her, that he just remembered, like, she was a great guest. Wow. She's fantastic. Yeah, and then she might be a good co-host,

and came back, and now she's made a huge career out of it. She was on an episode of Broad City and was, like, surprisingly hilarious. I didn't know that she was so funny. It says she's in Marvin's room alongside Meryl Streep and Leonardo DiCaprio. I remember that. I've never seen that movie. It's like a drama, but she's in that. Well, this is the thing.

If someone said something bad about Ripper, I'm telling you. You'd rip them. If Ripper gets Ellen, I am going to fight to the bitter death. You're not cancellling the Ripper. No. She's done nothing wrong. She's a wonderful woman. Now, the Ellen, I've heard bad things about the Ellen.

I've heard the Ellens of this and of that, but I'm sticking by the Ellen. It's not illegal to be a bitch. There's about 40 people or a bastard or a cunt or whatever. I know when you say the word bitch, it sounds very aggressive, right? But here's the thing, right? So 50 people have come forward. Her show has 1,000 staff members.

1,000 staff members. If you're a boss and you don't have 5% of your workers thinking you're a piece of shit, then you're not a very good boss. Wait, her show has 1,000 staff members? Yeah. Are you sure? Well, they've had over 1,000. There's Wait, her show has a thousand staff members? Yeah. Are you sure? Over a thousand.

There's no way there's a thousand. It's very nasty to people. There's only 50 staff members at any given time. Yeah. But they turn over very quickly. Okay, I believe that. After Ellen just throws a breath mint at you and goes, eat this.

You smell it. Because that's one of the things is she had a bowl of gum at the front of her office that people were to chew before they walked in in case they had bad breath because Ellen would be sitting there just patting a cat in a swivel chair and just going, let me smell your breath. And you can't imagine DeRossi's much better. She was a bulimic.

But she apologized. Fucking DeRossi was a bulimic. She's married a woman who vomits up her food every now and again. You've got to assume that that's not the funnest thing to kiss. But by the way, she... Anyway, I'm pro-Ellen. By the way, and again, we're going to be way behind on all this stuff. Yeah.

But it says right now that... I hope you're listening to this, Ellen, and you really hear my support. I feel like the comments are going to be like, why the fuck are they talking about Ellen again? If she does get replaced, it's been said James Corden will not be replacing her. And this is an exclusive from the Daily Mail. I'm going to replace her. The scientist and the bear.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, morning show. It says Melissa McCarthy, Jennifer Aniston, and Kristen Bell are in the running. Oh, I love Kristen Bell. Yeah, she would be a good one. She's another ripper. They are very similar looking. No, you like Kristen. I know Kristen Bell is one of your celebrity crushes.

But you are a celebrity, so you can't really have a celebrity crush. Just a regular crush. I don't know these people. I don't know. I have regular crushes as well. You said you know Kelly Ripa. Yeah, there's a hooker that stands on the corner of't know. I have regular crushes as well. You said you know Kelly Ripa. Yeah, there's a hooker that stands on the corner of my street who I have a crush on.

Wow, what neighborhood do you live in? I know. I thought you were in a better neighborhood. Behind the curtain, Jim's not doing so well. Down in Sherman Oaks behind the Paquito Masters. Hey. Okay, I'll Ellen talk before if you have a better subject forest i'll riff on it tell me i can talk about anything do you know she's married to ellen porsche de rossi no kelly ripa i'm sorry oh kelly rip is married to like a latino guy he's really

good looking who's like a an actor yes mark Consuelos. Mark Consuelos. Mark Consuelos. Best known for All My Children. That's actually a pretty sexy name. Mark Consuelos. He's a good looking guy. Yeah, he's hot. Why didn't you change the name to Kelly Consuelos? That's a cool name.

It's a tongue twister. Kelly Consuelos is hard to say. Ripa is a crazy good last name. Yeah, you wouldn't want to change that. Ripa. He's a good looking guy. University of South Florida. And they have three kids together. Yeah, nothing wrong with the Consuelos family.

All right, I think that's enough. Good people, good people. Pop culture talk. They've never made anyone chew gum before they come into their office. I'll tell you that for no one's business. It's weird because you say you support Ellen, but then you turn on her immediately. Oh, I support assholes.

Okay, well, maybe. No, I think. Hemorrhoids. She's looking at you. What I don't like is everyone's acting like Helen's committed. Ellen? Helen Mirren? He doesn't even know who he's fighting for.

Everyone's acting like Ellen's committed a crime. I think she's just a bit of an asshole. I don't think she's done anything that heinous. All the stories, I'm like, oh, that's an asshole's an asshole all right well let's start the show all right hey that was our intro portion of our show and no way do we ever edit this together so pretty cool uh all right let's uh welcome our guest to the show uh jesse krebs hello jesse how you doing hello thanks for having me jesse is it jesse krebs did you say krebs krebs i. Thanks for having me. Jesse, is it Jesse Krabs, did you say? Krebs.

Krebs? I'm saying it right, right? Krebs? It is Krebs, but people say Krabs and it's offensive. Don't worry. Yeah, there you go. How's Krabs offensive? It's a venereal disease. No, it's also a delicious meal. Yeah.

Okay. That's right, being a seventh grader with the last name of Krabs. Yeah, that's true. My real surname was Nugent. Everyone called me Nugget. Oh, that was a horrible time. Way worse than Horace. Let me tell you.

My mother, bless her soul, she never liked any of the names that me and my brothers called our children. Never liked any of them. Every time my son was called Hank, and she goes, I won't be calling him Hank. I won't do it. I'll call him something else. I go, are you calling him fucking Hank? She goes, Hank's the name of a taxi driver. And I go, well, that would make him the second most efficient person,

successful person in our family. He's going to have a license, Mum. a license mom i'm like you're talking about a family member of ours who has a job oh this is fantastic and then my my went with uh with uh we put this in legit it was um it was uh and i'm just saying it's a joke and not about mean about my mother she's passed away but um but uh so alana is the name of my niece. And when my brother went to name her Alana, my mother went, oh, you can't call her Alana. Everyone will call her Alana Banana. And then my brother went, better than your nickname at school,

Carolyn the Bitch. That doesn't even rhyme. All right. So this is a part of our show uh called judging a book by its cover jesse jim is going to try and guess what you are an expert in just by looking at you and your surroundings he's allowed to ask yes or no questions i may provide him with some clues so okay okay i'm looking at you you've got a cord around your neck with a laminate that means you work in a building where you have to scan yourself in right you're not doing it for any other reason you got to scan yourself in yeah your building is also got you've got a timer on a light right because you might

fall asleep at work and they need to turn the light out you've got a tire on the light so you must work long hours the windows are blacked out there's another man who sleeps in his fucking things right now you've also got a certificate over there onto the side that you haven't laminated or framed you've just sort of propped up above the water it's a that's a memo it's a memo just things for him to stop doing don't harass the women in the office place i wonder why he didn't, why didn't he frame that? Trying to leave people alone. So I'm going to say that you work in something,

something to do with research. Well, you're supposed to ask yes or no questions. Do you work in, you're wrong. Do you work in a research based environment? Yes.

That is a small part of my job is research. Small part. Do people fear you? Yes, that is a small part of my job is research. Small part. Do people fear you? No. At home as well?

No one fears you? I'm walked on like a carpet. It's literally, there's no fear. That's an old Sinatra joke. Women are like tiles. You lay them right the first time, you can walk over them for the rest of your life all right now i'm gonna sing under my skin i'm a good type of guy hey sammy come out here so i can slap you how did that guy never get fucking do you have some yes or no questions for jesse um okay uh uh do you build things uh sometimes yes it's part's part of what I do.

Okay, you're a rocket scientist. All right. Jesse, why don't you give him a hint? We talked about this. Tilt your camera up a little bit. We should get a rocket scientist. Pay attention. All right.

Lizards. Yes, that's a lizard. Yeah, you're a lizard guy. I am a lizard guy. You're a paleontologist. Oh, close. Paleontologist is a study of dead things. I keep things alive.

Oh, you're a reptologist. Yeah, well. Close enough. Can we move on with that? That's actually the best guess. I mean, that's accurate. Why would you call it a reptologist? I mean, you would. Hold on a second. That's actually the best guess. I mean, that's accurate. Why wouldn't you call it a reptologist? I mean, you would. Hold on a second. We'll actually ask that question.

Jesse Krebs is a zoo curator of reptiles and amphibians. He has been active in the professional zoo animal care for over 25 years. He currently manages a reptile and amphibian collection consisting of 145 reptile and 46 amphibian species, totaling more than 3,000 individual animals at a prominent Midwestern zoo. Jesse has served on the National Advisory Committees that focus on the care and management of crocodilians, lizards, and amphibians. He has served on the Board of Directors

for the North American Society of Toxinology, and Jesse is part of the core faculty for a national crocodilian management course. Crocodilians. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like people who live in Crocodile. These are a lot of credits. The town of crocodile yeah i got it i'm moving on um but uh jesse has a lot of great credits i i i i think at the beginning of the show everyone that

we've gotten we've we know are experts but we would give like a credit and people like how do we know this person and it's like like, so now I'm just giving tons of credits because a couple weeks ago we had Jack's aunt on, and there was still, of course, a couple anti-vaxxers that came out of the woodwork. Like, what she doesn't know about this, it's like, shut up. No, no, no, she knew a lot about vaccines. She knows a lot.

She vaccinated Jack. Jack was once a small girl called Sally. Anyways, Jesse, thank you very much for being here. Still my joke. Are you a reptologist? No, a herpetologist. It's the study of reptiles and amphibians. Oh.

And is that why you have the blackout window? Because the reptiles get upset in your place? I got the blackout window because the side glare on this camera was so horrible you wouldn't be able to see my face. This was for us. I like the thought there was a lizard in there. Well, there is. He might go over.

There's a lizard that lives in that plant. When you saw the timer, that timer controls the light for the lizard that lives above my head. Wait, he's just roaming around? Freeballing in that office? Freeballing, that's what we call it. He lives on that plant, and the plant's above my head. I used to have a lot of geckos come into my house as a kid.

The cats used to bring them in, and the geckos used to throw off its tail, the Australian geckos. You have a different – the gecko that you have on the adverts here that do the insurance, not the same as the Australian ones. The Australian ones have a little bald tail. Well, hey, hey, hey. And you can only kick that off once, and then the cats play with that, and then it runs away.

It gets a one get-out-of-jail-free card in its whole life. You don't want to blow it. You don't want to just like, oh, I got startled. Oh, no, it's just a post. I thought you were going to say the difference between the gecko and the commercials was that it's not a real animal. It's a cartoon. That's what I was going to say.

Also, the Australian geckos don't talk. Oh. Geckos suck. And you guys don't have pediatricians. You don't have talking geckos. The Australian geckos talk like this. My fucking tail came off, cunt. Oh, no.

Who brought the fucking cat here, you fucking cunt? They're not indigenous. That leads me to my next thing we're actually specifically going to be talking about australian reptiles today all right our first australian centric show that we're doing uh podcast we get high ratings in australia so australia this is for you and you americans just sit back and say that everything's better here or whatever you get up to jesse is very uh the the where he works they have a lot of australian reptiles the largest collection you said or one of the largest one of the largest collections he knows very very well what we're talking about so jesse this is what

we're gonna do um jim is gonna tell us everything he thinks he knows about australian reptiles i'm gonna prod him along with some questions it won't be too long and then after that you're gonna give him a grade from zero to 10 on accuracy, 10 being the best. Kelly is going to give them an unconfidence. I'm going to do et cetera. When we tally the scores, if you get 21 through 30, Jim, Godzilla. He's one of the –

No, no, no. You want Australian animals. No, no. He's just a reptile. He's a reptile. And then 11 through 20, Demi, Godzilla, and 0 through 10, Atheistzilla. You'd think that would be the top one but godzilla is the yeah yeah but most people believe in atheocilla yeah anyways let's start off with uh

the first question what is a reptile what is a reptile yeah but you heard me it's a fucking snake and shit man okay it's a it's a cold-blooded animal with a reptilian-type skin on it, right? Like scales, right? Like, you know, like a snake, a lizard. All those different ones are all reptiles. You say something, I'll tell you if it's reptile or not. Damn, we can do that as a segment. Reptile or not. Okay, how about this as a segment. Okay. Reptile or not?

Okay. How about this? Jack is not a reptile. Crocodile. A crocodile is... Just a crocodile. A crocodile, I'm going to say, is a reptile. Yes.

Okay. It's a reptile. What about a turtle? A turtle is also a reptile. What about a bird? A bird. Because then you're saying this is the whole thing.

So the raptors are more related to birds. The Toronto Raptors? Yes. No, no. The raptors from Jurassic Park are more related to birds in their movement

than they are. So I'm going to say that a bird is not a reptile but it has reptilian things about it. Damn, you're sounding smart as fuck right now. Okay. What about a platypus?

A platypus is not a reptile. A platypus is a mammal that is one of the few mammals on Earth that can lay its own eggs. It does not have a pouch. It's a lay-egging mammal, which is very rare. You were doing good till he said lay egging but you're still doing good so what about laying what's the fucking problem with that man the worst all right bad syntax velociraptor velociraptor is closer to a

bird than a reptile but it has reptilian activity i'm gonna say it's a reptile. Okay, doesn't exist. But okay, never did. Maybe it did. The Velociraptor existed. Did it exist? Yeah. Yeah, was that one of the made up ones that they made on the- I don't know, I'm asking you. The Velociraptor is real.

Yeah, Velociraptor is real, man. Okay. It was a real dinosaur. Yeah, it was a real dinosaur. Ah, it's a dinosaur and a reptile. One thing I do on this show. One thing I like to do on this show, Jesse, is I like to ask questions to Jim to make him answer them wrong.

That's what I say. You're setting him up to fail. Let's see the strategy. Here's one more general reptile question. We'll get into Australia. Name as many different groups or orders of reptiles as you can. You said lizards. Seven.

Lizards and then go from where? What other kind of groups? Lizards. Yeah. Snakes. Yeah. Triamphipods. Yeah.

They study your camera. Lizards. Snakes. There's the walking ones. The slimy ones. The walking ones. The slidy ones. The slidy ones. The walking ones, the slidy ones. The slidy ones.

The walking ones, the slidy ones. Slidy walking. And then there's the frill neck lizards. They're Australian. You know, you never heard of a frill neck lizard? You fucking get on that, people. Google that. If you're excited about the quokka, check out a frill neck lizard.

Okay, but I'm saying groups of not the specific species. Like groups. You mentioned one in the yes-no's that you said yes to. Crocodiles. Crocodilians. They're a reptile. Crocodilians. Then I would say lizard snakes.

Crocodilians. Geckos. Okay. Time's up. And dragonflies. Yeah. Got it. You got the last one.

Okay. Name seven Australian reptiles. Whatever names you want to use. Brown snake. Yep. Frilled neck lizard. Yep. I knew you were going to say that.

There he is. Frilled neck lizard. Geckos. Yep. What's the big fucking dragon lizard? Dragon lizard? The big ass one. Oh, that's not Australian.

That's not Australian. That's not Australian. The goanna. Goanna. The goanna is a big ass fucking. Jesse just pointed at you, so I think that's good. And it was a good point. The goanna is a big ass fucking lizard.

Positive point. And you see them out in the wild they take up half a tree and they're like oh I'm just hiding and you're like wider than the tree you dumb cunt

okay that's it how many have I got so far four four yeah I'll give you more I'll give you more

yeah seven brown snake okay so spiders not that was about to name some spiders that wasn't going to work they're not going to work platypus platypus isn't one yeah I know Okay, so spiders not. That was about to name some spiders.

They're not going to work. Platypus. Platypus isn't one. I know. Isn't one. Can you name any more? The koala. Koala.

A lot of scales. Oh, turtles. We have turtles. There you go. That's going back to the earlier question. What kind of turtles? What kind of turtles? Teenage mutants. Fucking loads of them.

They love pizza. No, we have loads of turtles. Iage mutants. Loads of them. No, we have loads of turtles. We have giant turtles. We have the little baby ones that they swim out. They swim out. They lay the fucking, they lay the eggs and then what happens is a hundred eggs or something and then all the ones and then 98 of them die and two of them survive.

They swim out. Hey, he's the turtle. The fucking toad. The fucking toad. The cane toad. Cane toad. Throw in a cane. No, no, no. Not the cane toad.

Not the cane toad. Jesse. Don't help him. Don't help him. Jesse's shaking his head no. Driving me nuts here. You're killing me. So I've got goannas, frill neck lizards, regular lizards, geckos, brown snakes.

Loads of turtles. Loads of turtles. Loads of turtles. We've got other snakes. We've got loads and loads of snakes. Don't forget young turtles. 50% of turtles. Like, we have loads of snakes. Shit tons of snakes.

Yep. And, oh, that's an insect. Okay, next question. Yep. How many people die from reptiles, just reptiles, in Australia each year? Oh, crocodile bites. I'm going to say 86 people. Okay, 86 per year.

Yeah. Okay. And let's talk about crocodiles. You didn't even mention them as an Australian reptile. I did. You did. He said crocodiles. No, I said when you said specific species,

but it's fine. Okay, exact crocodiles? No, no, no. Freshwater crocodiles. Okay. What about saltwater? We have saltwater as well. Okay, good.

So let's talk about the saltwater. Like what region do they live in? Darwin. Okay. They live up in the Northern Territory and you can't see them in the beaches. How big are they? Some of the nicest beaches. beaches oh they can get to uh 20 something feet they're big we saw some crocodiles up there yeah uh how long do they live oh 100 years that's it exactly 110 if they

have a good diet yeah they don't drink every day it depends which tourists they eat um how many are in australia how many crocs oh crikey fuck i just said crikey about a crocodile thing oh my god that was a legitimate we're getting we're getting extra australian how many crocodiles could there be i should have brought in my two my now this is the problem I have with this question. You don't fucking know. People are going to say they know. You're not swimming around counting them all. You don't know.

You're having a guess here. You're having a guess. And so I'm going to guess 200,000. Okay. And then how many people die a year from Crocs? Four. Okay. Okay. It then how many people die a year from Crocs? Four. Okay. Okay.

It's not common. It's not a common thing. It's not like you see it all the time. It's like the sharks. Like every couple of years we have like a shark, a great white, kills someone off Cottesloe Beach, and then the Australians all get fucking bat shit and they go out hunting the shark. Right.

So they're all out there with their harpoon guns going, we're going to get it. You don't know which shark. You're like more likely to kill yourself with a harpoon gun. No, they just have blood lust and they're like, because they're endangered until they kill someone and then you get like 24 hours to kill one. Yeah.

Okay, snakes. Do you know how to tell the difference between a venomous and a non-venomous snake? You let it bite you and you see what happens. Very effective. That's science right there. That is science. Yeah, you're not wrong.

You have a test subject. Okay, you let it bite a child of yours and then another child of yours doesn't get bitten and then you see who's healthier at the end of the day. Okay. A blind study. You don't tell which child which one's being bitten. Yeah, of course.

You drug them first so they're asleep. What would happen if there were no snakes? Not just in Australia, but everywhere. We would have far too many mice. Yeah, and so we need them, right? We need them. They take care of the rodents. I used to live with a girl who had a snake, right?

She had a snake that lived in a thing. And she left me in charge of it for a while and i was playing with this snake drunk trying to impress someone i was holding the snake what kind of snake it was like a carpet snake a little tiny or a diamond it was in britain it was in britain it was a little tiny snake and and she's listening to the podcast i haven't spoken in years hope you're well um but anyway so so i'm holding this snake i think i'm trying to impress some girl or something i brought back i pass out drunk like just part this is 20 something years ago i pass out blind drunk and i've lost the fucking snake and she's coming home in a couple of days and i'm fucking i have to say i lost i got drunk and lost your fucking snake. Right? I'm living in a three apartment house type of thing.

Right? Downstairs, I hear the woman screaming. Benny the snake had escaped through the wall cavity, gotten down and ended up in her cutlery drawer. Right? So she'd open up to get a knife or fork out and the fucking snake came out and I ran downstairs excited and I became very steve there was the most australian i've ever been in my life i was like don't worry about it and he he hadn't eaten for like a fucking week so he was starving and he was hissing and i thought

i've got him i've got him and then i just sort of wrestled him out put him back in his fish tank and gave him a fucking mice and then i never told her that story so she's listening all's well that ends well okay um one more question and then we'll actually talk about various animals as we go along uh why why do you think snakes have such a bad reputation like they're usually seen as like evil or because they're always in the grass no snakes because they they they like that and they slither like and they slither up. And this is what the snake does. Because I used to feed this snake mice, and I used to get frozen mice,

and I used to put them in kung fu positions. I used to unfreeze them and bend their arms. I used to bend their arms so they were sitting in like a kung fu position, just like standing, staring at this snake. And then the snake didn't know it was like a frozen mouse, so it just sort of wanders up like, oh, how you doing? Don't worry about me.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. And then boom, wraps its body around it and starts choking it out, right? That's why they're fucking nasty cunts. They never tell you when they're going to attack. They're just bloody, they're snakes, they are. Unlike us, when we kill cows, we're like, hey, cow, we're going to attack. They're just bloody snakes, they are. Unlike us when we kill cows. We're like, hey, cow, we're going to kill you now. I don't think we have a good reputation in the animal kingdom.

I don't think the rest of the animals are walking around going, humans, they're all right. When animals get together, they're like this. The cat's like, I don't see the problem. My one's patting me all the time. And the dog's like, my one's okay. And then the time and the dog's like my one's okay and then the rest of us like oh no yeah no no no what they just put a bolt into one of my friend's head no all right jesse thanks for waiting patiently that's where steak comes from yeah there you go

thanks for waiting patiently uh while we did that um hey i'm getting paid man um can you please tell us on a scale of zero to ten ten being the best how accurate jim was about reptiles on australian reptiles overall i'm gonna give him a solid eight like he was i was very impressed with some of the some of the answers some of them were kind of off the wall but i i could sense that they were grounded in like real knowledge they were educated guesses yeah okay no i think i think that i think overall i'm gonna give you a solid eight that's a very nice score i i think so but kelly what about confidence i'm gonna go uh seven on confidence it you slipped really into your australian roots on this one so it felt it you

were home it felt now when you say australian roots do you know what that means in australia no felt it you were home it felt now when you say australian roots do you know what that means in australia no oh does root mean roots roots are slang for fucking yeah so you go i rooted this girl on the weekend and so when you guys all go i want to root root root for the home team and then like in in canada there's a brand of clothing called roots where they just put it over the tracksuit pant asses yeah us austral asses. Us Australians find that hysterical. That's like our favorite thing. What about the movie? The movie Roots wasn't.

Roots, less funny. Yeah, it wasn't. Significantly less funny. All the Australians went, this will be a good comedy. There's no sex at all in this. This will be like Porky's. On Etcetera, I like the new look i think you should do this um i think it'll upset people i'm all for i'm just choosing now in quarantine you get a 10

just to look how i want to look yeah yeah you get a 10 so this is the person i am inside yeah total score of 25 godzilla there you go all right let's start with what is a reptile uh jesse's uh jim said a reptile is a snake and shit. But then he amended that to cold blooded animal scales. That's right. And he hit like the top three is that it's it's it's a poikilotherm or ectothermic is the technical term for being cold blooded. He got the scales in there. All I would have wanted to hear is the word tetrapod. And but you didn't say tet. He's not going to be able to say that right now,

even though you said that. I can't repeat that information back here. Tetrapod. Put it in the accent. Tetrapod. Tetra. Tetra. Tetra meaning tetra means.

Tetris. 10? Limbs. Means limbs. They've got limbs. Except for snakes, which doesn't make any sense, but that's science. It doesn't make sense.

I saw a lizard the other day in my garage that was so long but then it had arms it was more like a snake than a lizard it was probably an alligator lizard yeah it was like that's a snake down there and me and my son just stared at it forever and ever and ever and i went that passed a bit of time um to be fair though later on he said triamopods, so that was pretty close. It was. I get me. I'm sticking with that one.

He's good, though. That's good. That's better than nothing. Do all reptiles lay eggs? Oh, some are live bearers, and some are egg layers. The thing is about the eggs is, yes, they all lay eggs, but sometimes they hold the eggs inside them and they don't get a calcified shell so it looks like live birth the animal comes out

born live but it actually was inside of an egg type of thing inside the female here we go but it just depends weird question do uh the snakes fuck oh yeah oh yeah. Oh, yeah. They have two penises, man. Two. Two. How do they do that? Do they get on the back of the other snake? I don't see where the hole is. No, they slide up. They slide next to it.

They slide next. I was already terrified of snakes, and then finding out they have two penises makes them the most terrifying creature on the planet to me. Do snakes 69? I imagine it would be tricky. I'm not sure they're into oral. It's all sensory. That tongue is picking up different pheromones.

That's why you have the extra dick. Is this the lizard you saw? For all the bite marks. Yeah, that's the lizard. That's an alligator lizard. I had an alligator lizard. That's what you got around there. Yeah, I had an alligator lizard.

I stepped on your bite marks joke. Sorry. Okay. Ask Jim. It's not going to defund me. I asked Jim to name as many different groups or orders of reptiles as he could. He said croc, or he said snakes, lizards, then crocs. And then he stopped.

But then I asked him if a turtle was, and he said, yes, we got that. Birds, he said, no, are not reptiles. Platypus, nopus no velociraptor yes how'd they do well so technically if you look at modern science uh reptiles and birds are all reptilian we consider reptiles non-avian reptiles it's very complicated and it's not worth getting into so you're right they're not reptiles yeah they're not they closely related to reptiles. It's very complicated and it's not worth getting into. So you're right. They're not reptiles. They're closely related to reptiles. That's why

I call women birds because they're snakes. They have common ancestors. Hot take, shot fired. Kelly Bear. No, it's okay. All right, toots. That's more offensive than being called a snake. Hi, toots. Ooceraptors, a dinosaur, platypus. That's more offensive than being called a snake.

All right, toots. Sorry, what'd you say, Jesse? The platypus. You forgot to mention that it's venomous. I didn't know it was venomous. Yeah, they've got little spikes on their either back feet or front feet that deliver venom. So it's an egg-laying duck-billed venom delivering mammal

with a beaver tail it is what the fuck absolute it's a duck it's a duck fuck the beaver it was like and then a venomous snake got involved this is this is the problem with the platypus right because i've only ever seen one platypus in the wild my whole life and i was about eight years old and i was in the bush with my brother and we saw one but apart from that i've only ever seen them in zoos, right? And I lived in Australia for 20 years. Now, the thing about the platypus is, okay, so my good friend, Rhys Darby, who you'll know, is Murray from Fly the Concords

and many movies, Jumanji and all that sort of stuff. Rhys believes in, and he does a podcast, Rhys believes in Bigfoot. I believe in aliens. Whether they visit or not, that's debatable. I believe in other life. But Rhys believes in Bigfoot and alien. I believe in aliens, whether they visit or not, that's debatable. I believe in other life, but Reese believes in Bigfoot, right? And I go,

what the fuck are you talking about? There's no Bigfoot. Where are the bones? Where are the fossilized? Okay. We got cameras. Everyone's got cameras all the time. Put up a few GoPros in the bush and find me a fucking Bigfoot.

He goes, Oh, well, Jim, no one believed in the platypus. They all thought it was a mythical being until someone actually saw one and so he always uses the platypus as his benchmark on why the bigfoot does exist damn because there was a few people who went i've seen one i've seen one and

now it's like common knowledge so we'll have reese on for our bigfoot episode i mean if jeffrey's had a season four we were going to do a field piece with you and reese hunting for bigfoot in the forest yeah yeah oh no we were always trying to work reese into the show like like we're gonna do me and reese but reese does believe in bigfoot and and he's a parent and he's allowed to talk in public okay i asked jim um to name me seven australian reptiles uh and he said um oh, I'm sorry. I asked him the different, was this the order ones? Oh, yeah, lizard, snakes, tramapods, slidey, walky. Okay.

Okay, so here's the Australian ones. He said brown snake, frill-necked, that's okay? Okay. Frill-necked lizard? Yeah, yeah. All right. A gecko? A gecko is a type of lizard that lives in Australia.

There's like 50 different kinds of geckos. So I got 57. A goanna? Yep. Goanna. He said koala? No, I joked.

That is a mammal. That's a marsupial. He said loads of turtles. Shitloads of turtles. No, I joked. That is a mammal. You weren't joking. It's not even a bear. That's a marsupial. It's a marsupial. He said loads of turtles. Shitloads of turtles. And he said... There are. There's the sea turtles, and then there's the ones that live in the freshwater.

Okay. He said cane toad. You shook your head. No, no. Yeah, cane toad's an amphibian. And it's an amphibian from South America. It's not even supposed to be there. Oh, I thought it was from Norway or something.

I always got that wrong. South America. They brought them in to control be there. Oh, I thought it was from Norway or something. I always got that wrong. South America. They brought them in to control the cane beetle for the cane. Okay, so I have real questions on this, right? So I know they brought in a couple of cane toads. I was always led to believe that the cane toad lays like 10,000 eggs, and because of the temperature where it came from, only two or three of them survived.

But now that they're in Australia, like 10,000 of them survive. And that's why we have the problem with the cane toads. Am I wrong? I've told several people this. So back in the 20s, I guess the sugar cane industry was very big in Australia, especially the northern part. Still is. Still is?

Okay. Well, there's a beetle that destroys the crop. And so somebody, George Harrison, scientist, they said, hey, you know what? Let's get these big giant toads from South America. They'll eat the beetles. It'll take care of the problem for us.

The problem is the beetles are active at one time and the toads are active at another time. So the two never met and the toads just ate everything else they do. They were reduced

in ridiculous numbers and they're highly toxic. So all the native stuff that you've got down there, they eat everything else they do. They were reduced in ridiculous numbers and they're highly toxic. So all the native stuff that you've got down there, they eat them, they die. So they're just going nuts. Why are they so much more overpopulating the Australian landscape? There's no predators. There's no predators who would normally. Nothing can eat those things.

There's maybe like one snake that I'm familiar with that can swallow it and not die. But everything else, even the freshwater crocodile, you watch that thing try to eat a cane toad. And if you lick it, you get high, right? You hallucinate. That's, man, I'm not going to be that guy that tells you to lick that species. So there's bufotoxin and it will kill you if you do too much of it. It'll kill you. Now, there's some toads that they're the ones that make you.

Which ones make you go? They're from Arizona. Which ones? Which ones make you go? They're called the bufo alvarius is the scientific name. They're from Arizona. The Sonoran. Arizona. That's why Arizona is all fucking. They're from Arizona. The Sonoran. Arizona.

That's why Arizona's all fucking, they're all wasted. Yeah. There's a law on the book that says you cannot lick this toad. Like that's a law written somewhere that says you can't lick this toad. That's a tattoo I have above my penis. But you can. You can. What it is, is like don't touch that button. Then don't always touch that button.

You know what I mean? It's reverse psychology. I told you not to lick the toad. Crocodiles. Oh, wait. Jim said, I asked him how many people die from reptiles in Australia each year. He said 86. Yeah.

How close is that? That seems way high. It seems way high. I mean, when you say reptiles, we're talking about venomous snakes and crocodiles. With modern anti-venomom people don't normally die like there can be lots of snake bites but they're if with good medical treatment nobody really yeah but you're not factoring in the people who have died from fear who you're just scared to death you find them dead in their house and they go oh this was a suicide but really like a spider or a snake or something i'm scared to death yeah it's a lot of those.

Okay, so Saltwater Croc, he said they live near Darwin. They get to around 20 feet. They live to 110 years. There's about 200,000 of them, and four people a year die from them. How's that? That's not, I mean, that's not completely like, they're crazy. Yes, Darwin is, that is, but they have a huge range. Like, they're crazy.

Yes, Darwin is, that is, but they have a huge range. They're actually found in the Philippines, India, New Guinea, all along the northern part of Australia. I didn't actually look up the numbers. So you're right, Jim. Nobody fucking knows. No one knows. Here's the thing. Nobody fucking knows.

No one knows. No one's counting those things. I did look it up. It said between 100 and 200,000, though. So you're pretty good on that one. Yeah, 200,000. Scientists? Whatever. Yeah. Oh, no, because. So you're pretty good on that one. Yeah, 200,000. Scientists?

Whatever. Yeah. Oh, no, because we did a thing on the Jim Jefferies show about how many sharks were getting finned. And they said, oh, they fin like 100,000 sharks a year. And I was like, oh, no. And then they were like, how many sharks are in the world? And they were like, oh, anywhere between like a million and two billion or something or like something like it was huge it was like more sharks than people or something and i was like yeah well it

depends what animals you're talking about some animals are easier to count than others obviously the ones in the water in the ocean are much more difficult yeah however we we used to count manatees i used to count manatees i used to count manatees i was like what is he talking like i thought you meant city like city town whatever and then i was like it's very easy to count a kiwi bird they're a blind flightless bird in new zealand but it's a knight who has no predators and you can just go there's one well i used to count manatees i used to be in the manatee count in the united states i know this about you yeah that was forest job was to count manatees we would literally fly around in helicopter

and try and count all of the actual manatees but they're easier because they're usually generally close to the surface resting if they're near the bottom they're in shallow water you can see them and stuff like that so we would actually go around at the same day the entire state all a bunch of different organizations would fly around and count all the day, the entire state, a bunch of different organizations would fly around and count all the manatees. They do it a little differently now. Now, be honest with me, Forrest. Was there ever a day where you and your mates

in your little boat just looked at each other and went, we're all good with 47? No, we did it in a helicopter, a police helicopter. They fly us around. Did you have a bullshit and just write it, figure it out? Be honest down be honest no no you wouldn't because we'd have other people in that everyone you'd have three people in the helicopter doing their own counts and you'd have to verify them against each other now when you when you came back to your boss with your number of 86 or whatever like yeah did they go good work today they did like like if like, 20, would they be like,

what the fuck were you doing all day? And you're like, they weren't around. They weren't around. It was. It was weather dependent. It would be you doing it on a really cold day because it'll be gathered in areas where there's warmer water. Did my tax money go towards this?

Probably, I don't know. I don't even know where that got paid from. That was, like, probably a Florida. There's no state tax there, but, yeah, but it but it was like sales tax or something like that yeah also why what your tax money goes to worse shit than that than counting manatees no no i was just saying i want all my money to go to manatee county i want a definitive number and i don't think they're putting enough money into it they have go fund me they have changed the count method so um what do you mean change the count well no what i'm saying is we used to go up in uh numbers no they used they

used to actually count them and now it's it's a it's somewhat controversial thing in the way they count them differently now by uh estimating it i'm not for that all right this podcast is taking a turn that no one gives a shit about right now you know you know in the man it's not funny anymore when forrest became a stand-up comedian they went geez the manatee counting's never been the same like the world has more laughter but fuck we don't know how many manatees there are around i mean there's there's not untrue uh okay snakes uh how do you tell the difference between a venomous and a non-venomous snake? Jim said you let it bite one of your kids. Yeah, that'll work. Technically, that is accurate.

If you have two children and they get bit by two snakes, yes. It's not your first option, but if one of them has been a dickhead. It is not. It shouldn't be your first option. I wanted to say dogs or something. People get so upset with animal testing. On my last special, I did a joke about animal testing, and people have been writing to me how uneducated I am or something. People get so upset with animal testing. On my last special, I did a joke about animal testing and people have been writing to me how uneducated I am or something. So I want to kill kids from now on. Yeah, that's a safer bet. Is there a better way than letting them bite your

kids, Jesse? No, you literally have to know what you're looking for. A particular species has a very specific look and there's a lot of blending, you know, like some of the trademarks that we say here in the United States are vertical pupils versus round pupils. But in Australia you have snakes that are venomous that have round pupils and you have snakes that are venomous that have vertical pupils. So if you don't know what you're looking at, you just don't touch it. It's just, just don't touch. It's that easy.

Can they crossbreed? Can they be mixed race no not like dogs or anything they can't do that no you can't take a python and the taipan and put them together and get a constricting venomous snake that would be called a pipe hand yeah yeah got it but they can have sex for pleasure though right right? Of course. Okay, great. I just want to make sure. Now, do snakes call their penises their trouser snakes? They don't. They call them hemi-penises.

Hemipene. Hemipene. Just hemipene. Dodge engine. Hemipene. Yeah, exactly. And then, so I said, what would happen if there were no snakes? Jim said it'd be bad because they wouldn't kill any rodents.

Can we talk about that? That is absolutely right. They are, you know, they help control small mammal populations and rodents carry bubonic plague. Rodents eat our food. We compete with rodents for food. So snakes help keep that balance. The other big thing is venomous snakes.

We've learned a lot about that venom. And so a lot of that research has now been put into medicine. So we now have better drugs that control diabetes, pain medications, things that are saving people's lives. All of that has been learned from Australian venomous snakes. So we need those things around because there's a lot more we can learn from these things. You're welcome, America. Produce the snakes. And you had said something when we were talking before about that we are successful because of snakes.

And you mentioned like the rice fields and stuff like that. And was it India or something like that? Yeah, because we're competing for food. So small mammals want to eat the same thing. They want to eat our crops. They want to eat the grains. They want to eat the corn, rice patties, things like that. And so the snakes are controlling those small mammals from eating our food. So we're competing for the same thing, and the snakes are evening the balance for us.

Every time you take a snake out, you're allowing several more small mammals to come in and rob you blind. Do small mammals contribute? I feel like they do nothing. Everything contributes. Everything has a purpose. Rats don't help out at all. What do rats do? Not rats that came from Europe.

So the rats that most of us deal with, you know, came from somewhere else and they're invasive, just like the cane toad. Those things are not helpful. But small rodents in their natural environment are just part of that circle of life and that food chain. But what about rats in their own environment? How do they help?

They don't help. But they're part of the system. So a rat might dig a hole. They're really good diggers, right? Lots of things use those holes. Snakes use those holes. Spiders use those holes. Lots of animals benefit from those holes.

Rats are seed dispersers. I'll give you an animal. You tell me how they contribute that I don't think do anything. Now I'm a reptile guy, but I'll see what I can do. Penguins do nothing. They're birds. They're reptiles. Boom, shakalaka.

No, he said they aren't reptiles. Give them what they want. Non-avian. All right, so penguins, what do they do? How do they help? Penguins. So they help their food. those things are food for whales so the the leopard seals leopard seals and orcas those things need something to eat down there

there's not a lot of food that's a big food source for those predators their poop all their poop that's fertilizing the different areas uh and all that poop then washes into the water, becomes nitrogenous waste, which gets converted by good bacteria, which ends up helping cultivate some of the different, all the krill. All the krill end up benefiting from all that. And then, so whales can eat the krill and then the birds can eat the krill and then leprosy can eat. That's good enough. But I just, when I shit in the water, people get upset.

That's the county pool, man. Don't do it in the it in the county pool no no i just do it in the ocean just let one flop out and there's plenty of fish that eat that up so you're actually doing a good thing you keep up the good work i know you know you know what animals are the least useful though are humans we don't do shit we've done such bad things. We do lots of good things. We made Anchorman. We've taken ourselves out of the food chain. We tried to.

We invented the lobster roll. We've built structures. How does that help nature? That is nature. Buildings are nature. Sand versus trees. This room is nature in the same way that a beehive is nature. We have a plant in here, but this room is not nature.

Or if a beaver makes a fucking dam. It's all construction. We don't call the things that they manufacture not nature. Just because we rock at it and we can make gargoyles doesn't mean that we're any less. Gargoyles? How does your brain go to gargoyles? Find me a fucking animal that can make a gargoyles doesn't mean that we're any less. Gargoyles? How does your brain go to gargoyles? You find me a fucking animal that can make a gargoyle.

Only us. Only us. That's a really good point. Yeah. We made cars. If you saw a possum that built a fucking vehicle, you'd call it nature. But we build it.

It's called herding nature. No, everything we construct is nature. Okay. Let's talk about specific australia is a beehive the question is a beehive nature is a beehive nature beehive yes hell it's a constructed little city you wouldn't sit in your house all day and say i'm hanging out in nature today we did an episode on bees we did an episode on bees it's made out of natural materials this is all made out of natural materials. This is all made out of natural materials.

This is plastic. There's a lot of plastic. That's not natural. And what, did we get it from space? Yeah. We got it from somewhere. It was us pouring things in jars together. Just because we're smart, they always want to fucking put us down.

No, fuck the animals. We're number one. I like this point. I like it. The fucking put us down. No, fuck the animals. We're number one. I like this point. I like it. The animals aren't putting us down, by the way. No, no, no. You should see them while they're judging. What about my habitat?

What about my habitat? Build a better one, you cunt. We build ourselves one. Who's going to count us now that Forrest is gone? Count yourself. You can't fucking count, you fat fuck. Pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps. who's gonna count us now that forest is gone count yourself you can't fucking count you fat fuck pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps yeah pull yourself up man

alright eastern brown snake let's talk about that Australian reptile I had a brown snake brought in and put on the end of my bed when I was a child by a cat my mum was a big disciplinarian when i was a child a cat tasha the cat came and put a brown snake on the end of my bed i was like

and i couldn't i couldn't make a sound i think i've told this story before it's been animated but then my dad came and hit it with a shovel anyway carry on so they're they're poisonous right jesse yeah the most poisonous the. The most venomous snake on earth. Correctamundo? Sorry, I turned it. Yeah, that's the inland taipan. I went a bit Fonzie there. What was all that about?

Correctamundo? There's another snake that's the most venomous, but it's from Australia, he just said. Which country is that one in? Australia. Oh, okay. The country of Australia, the continent. Yes.

The inland taipan, also known as the fierce snake. Was that introduced? Why is it called the England Taipan? Inland, inland, as in inland, as in coastal or inland. Inland, all right. Where do you find that? Inland, forest. Inland.

Not on me, but what parts of Australia? The middle, the middle, the middle. Oh, inland. In the middle of Australia. Inland. No manatees there. I don't know anything about it. There's no water. There's no water. no water oh yeah forest is unemployable in the desert

that's that's the most venomous snake yeah from when you have the way we judge venom yes we uh so to uh to assign venom a number we we call it an LD50. LD stands for lethal dose. So what they do is they take a bunch of mice and they inject it with the same amount of venom. And then however much it takes to kill half of those mice, that's how they calculate what the LD50 is. And so the LD50 of the inland taipan or fierce snake is the most toxic of all snakes on the planet.

There's something about the name fierce snake that doesn't make me scared at all. I'm always like, I'm going to say that about like, oh, that woman's LD50. Yeah, it's 50. So 50 is the highest. No, LD50 is the name of the number. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, because it's 50 mice. I'm sorry.

Because you've killed half. 50 is half. And so you killed half of those mice. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, because it's 50 mice. I'm sorry. Yeah, okay. Because you've killed half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 is half, and so you killed half of those mice with this measured amount of venom. And how many people has that snake killed? Zero. Okay.

How many is the brown snake killed? Because the brown snake is a killer. Oh, now there's a lot, but nowadays with modern anti-venoms, people don't die that often from brown snakes because they've got antivenoms. How quick do I have to get to the doctor if I get bitten by a brown snake? It depends on where the snake bites you, how big the snake is, and then your reaction. Everybody reacts a little bit differently to foreign proteins in their body.

I'll give you two scenarios. One finger, one scrotum. Okay. So the scrotum is going to be a lot harder to manage because if you get bit in the finger, what we can do is a pressure immobilization bandage, which kind of compartmentalizes that venom, keeps it in that spot. So you can get to the doctor, get the antivenom, getting it in your scrotum. That is probably worst case scenario other than your neck. Cause you're not going to, you know what, here's what we can do. We get a rubber band.

We take a rubber band. I'm going to put it around the base of your scrotum until they turn purple. That'll compartmentalize the venom. The venom will just chew up and destroy all your nerve endings and stuff down in there. But if we get you to the hospital, you should be fine. Could you just use a cock ring instead? Perfect. If you've got one in the back pocket, use the cock ring.

This podcast has got about 30 more minutes left. Am I going to last? Yeah. So if it was on the finger and you applied some pressure to like a tourniquet or something Not a tourniquet. So tourniquet actually stops blood flow and that's going to cause more tissue damage.

What you want to do is just do a very light pressure like you would say a sprained ankle or a sprain because that slows down the venom. So venom travels through the lymphatic system. A rubber band would work? Rubber band? It'd be better to just wrap, just a band-aid that's loosely wrapped. Because venom travels through the lymphatic system, not just circulates through your blood. So what you're trying to do is stop the lymph from moving around in that finger.

So you can do that just by just very light pressure to keep that compartmentalized. There's people in Australia in their car right now going, yeah, that's what I'll do. It's got kinkier than I thought it would. Andrew Wontuck, his father was playing golf in the, I'll have to ask him if I can use this on there. Cause his father was playing golf down in Australia and,

and with somebody was on the golf course and they got bit by a brown snake. And, but previous to that, I'm sorry. Previous to the snake. You've ruined the story. I've heard this story. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You've ruined the punchline. Fuck! Hey, guys. You want to try again? You got to go early on in the day. Early, this guy got hit in the chest by a golf ball,

like someone, and it hit him in the chest, hit him really hard, whatever. They kept playing golf. Then later on, he gets bit by a brown snake, like in a sand trap or something like that. It's a bad day. Then they airlift him out of there. Yeah, this guy he gets bit by a brown snake like in a sand trap or something like that then they airlift him out of there yeah this guy's getting by golf ball they airlift him out they called like the the the the clubhouse they airlift him out of there take him to the hospital they treat the brown snake wound he's fine anti-venom and um and then

he goes hey what's wrong with your chest whatever he goes no no i just get by golf ball they look at it they put him into emergency surgery because he was about to die because he had like a broken blood, like something in his heart. His heart had shifted in his chest. Yeah, yeah. So the brown snake saved his life. Wow.

If he wasn't bit by the brown snake, he would have died. Yeah, I fucked this up. So that should negate a killing somewhere else. Yeah, exactly, yeah. This is how Forrest tells stories now. So he committed suicide in a bunker. His name was Hitler.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me start at the beginning. There was a bit before that. Hold on. Terrible. I want to talk about the... So death adders. Those are snakes.

They're venomous as well. The adder, the adder. Put that down on my list. Yeah, there you go. Came up to you. They're venomter. Put that down on me list. Yeah, there you go. They're venomous. Can they kill you? Yes.

They have a very high LD50, but they're very small. I mean, so that snake, you know, the biggest one is maybe two feet long. It'd be a big female. Males are usually in that one foot range. They've got very small fangs. So it would take a lot for you to get envenomated by a death edder. I mean, you'd have to reach down, pick it up and try to get it to bite you. Did you just say envenomated by a death that i mean you'd have to reach down pick it up and try to get it to bite you just saying envenomated envenomated that's the technical term for being i'm gonna be using that word all day you're gonna hear me every time with my son going yeah you better watch out there you could get envenomated you know why you like that word

like geez dad you're clever i am clever son i know why you like that word? And then he'll be like, geez, dad, you're clever. I am clever, son. I know why you like that word. It sounds like a word that you would make up, and then we'd be like, that's not a real word. And then we'd look it up and be like, oh, Jim was right. Invenomated. Invenomated. Yeah. Yeah, I was envenomated.

Yeah, fuck, I'm going to use that. So not a lot of people die from death adders. No, no, no. Not a lot of people die because you got the answer. They don't envenomate a lot of people. But I feel like they should change. Why did someone name them death adders? That's like already like.

No, no, no. You're pronouncing those as death adders. Snakes don't have ears. Ah, death adder. Okay. And that's not a joke. That's the truth. So in Australia, they also call them death adders.

D-E-A-F. They do not have ears. I've envenomated this podcast with fun. Give them what they want. Give them what they want. They should just name the chain. Either call them adders, or if they're not really killing a lot of people,

just change their name to something else. We can't call them adders because they can't count either. Got them. Wow. Woohoo! Woohoo! So, Jim said there's goannas. What are those?

One. Goannas, also known as monitor lizards. Those are the biggest lizards that live on land. Yeah, they're big ass lizards, the goanna. You seen one? Oh, yeah. I've seen plenty of goannas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen them out in the world. Yeah. Are they dangerous?

Yeah. Well, I mean, they've got very sharp teeth. They've got very sharp claws. They don't usually chase people, but if you get ahold of them and they need to defend themselves, they can certainly lacerate your skin and they can,

they can hurt pretty bad. They keep to themselves. They sit on the side of the chair. They never really like hiss at you or anything like that. But they're big ass lizards. When people go after them with sticks, that's when you get in trouble. Yeah, if you go after anything with a stick. Yeah.

Just a rule of thumb. Don't poke anything with a stick. Leave every living creature alone with sticks. Yeah, what I'm hearing is like anybody who's ever been bitten by a snake, it's their fucking fault because they probably. Yes, that's exactly what you're hearing. Well, also the goanna, the classic scene in Crocodile Dundee where he's cooking the big lizard on the spit and he's turning around

and then she goes, you can live off this? He goes, yeah, you can live off it, but it tastes like shit and he opens the baked beans up. That's the goanna they were going to eat. Anything, the whole stick poking, that is very true. Most people that get, I wouldn't say it, but the whole stick poking that that is very true most people that get up i wouldn't say but the large majority of people that get injured by animals i know is generally their fault and the number at least in florida was i don't know worldwide but shark bites

the number there's a shark called a nurse shark and it just has two big kind of like fangs and it most plates they've got these plates in their mouth it just like sucks up its food for the most part it doesn't really it wouldn't it couldn't kill you a nurse shark could couldn't kill you but it is like the the top the like as far as bites people getting bitten by sharks it's the number one because people go up and fuck with it because they're like oh it's a nurse shark i can't and they'll yank on its tail or something and it turns around and it'll put these two fangs and it will cause some damage and injury you get nasty whatever. People have come in the shore with a nurse truck like attached to their arm and stuff.

It's not going to kill you, but it always bites. And they're like, yeah, I don't know why it bit me. Because you're an asshole. That's why it bit you. Natural selection. Yeah, well, they stay alive, unfortunately. Do you know what a thorny devil is, Jim? A thorny devil is a type of lizard.

Yeah, it's an Australian lizard. They're adorable. But there's another one that has a name that's like, why do they call them thorny devils? Just because people are afraid of them? Yeah, because their appearance is so horrid. But then when you realize, you know, if you see a picture of the thorny devil and you're like, oh,

and its scientific name is Moc horridus which is you know latin for like the devil and then when you actually see it it's like you know this tiny little three inch lizard that only eats ants they're really cute but it's covered in spikes and horns oh that's an ugly disgusting look that looks so cute how good is the frill neck though hey oh how good's the frilled lizard the frilled lizard the frilled neck lizard is your number one number one what it's your? It's your best one. Even in Priscilla Queen of the Desert, they're dressed as a frilled neck lizard.

He pops the collar up at the end. Oh, they're a wonderful one. I think they're on the back of one of our coins. All right. Okay. They can run on their back feet. That's what's really cool about frilled lizards. They run up high.

They get their back feet up, and they have their hands up like this. Google a frilled neck lizard running. You won't see more joy in your life. Oh, man. National Geographic has got a lot of running frill dragons. You call them frill dragons, not frill neck lizards? Here in the Midwest, we refer to them as frill dragons.

Are these the ones that run on water? They're called Jesus Christ lizards? Nope, that's the basilisk from South America. Oh, yeah. Different thing, but they are bipedal bipedal did you find me a frilled neck lizard running a video we can put one on the youtube thing we'll put whenever wonderful they are we would love to do that before you see it get your cocks out you're gonna need it that's that's how fun this video is it says um yeah the frilled neck lizard also known as a common as a frilled lizard or the frilled dragon frilled there you go um what other australian no you're gonna see him running on their back legs and then they there he goes an amazing sight um what other see there's. How many different types of geckos?

50? 50. I mean, there's at least 50 or 60 different types of gecko on that continent. You know the one I'm talking about that kicks its tail off, right? There's lots of species of lizard in Australia that do that. Some of them aren't geckos either. There's different species of a gurney. I used to try to save the geckos from the cats eating them

and the geckos, they just hissed at me and I get them in a dustpan and I throw them off the balcony. The gecko? Yeah. They don't know you're trying to save them. They think you're just this giant thing about to squish them. Or eat them. As a herpetologist, there's a reputation of Australia

like a lot of things can kill you and so forth but clearly not a lot of people are dying, at least from reptiles every year. From a herpetologist standpoint, Australia is the Holy Grail. What do you mean? That's where all the best stuff is. Every herpetologist wants to go to Australia because they got the best stuff there. And back in the 70s, the government locked the country down and they said, you're not going to not taking any of our animals away from us to go put in a pet trade. And so, like, it's really hard to work with Australian stuff.

And so it's just like all of us in America, we just want to get to Australia and see the Perenti, you know, this big giant zebra looking goanna. And it's a wonderful place, the the it's a wonderful place australia it's a wonderful place for reptiles and amphibians oh it's a wonderful place no nothing it's wonderful country except for the aboriginals oh there's been a few atrocities a few human right problems um wonderful well hey no place is perfect, right? But what, so they're not allowed to take animals out of Australia and to around the world? The export, that's why your zoo has the platypus. I was the last one they let out. That's right.

What were you saying, Jesse? Yeah, they don't, that government has locked that continent down. That's why we don't have koalas in every U.S. zoo. That's why we don't have platypus. That's why we don't have echidnas. Because only a few zoos in the last 40 years have been able to export animals out of there. It's very rare. After the bushfires, I bet you were sad we didn't do that. We could have lost a lot of animals.

You know, there was some talk in the zoo community like you know how can we help but literally where i'm from i am as far away from australia as you know possible on this planet so i can't do much good except send a few bucks no well um england's far further um send them to the london zoo but the the the did we lose during this fight because those fires were in my lifetime i've never seen fires worse on the planet, right? That was the worst fires we've ever seen anywhere on Earth. Did we lose any species that you know of? to really look at what the damage is. But we do know that Mother Nature is incredibly resilient. You know, they are, you know, some of those animals are hardwired to get away from fires, to go underground, the fire burns right over. You know, there's lots of ways for animals to live through that.

Not enough to save every single one. I mean, you're going to lose a good chunk of your population. But if, as the environment comes back, the animals will come back too. But no, I'm not aware of any published data the show that it was a hundred percent crash in certain species pretty dramatic numbers on what animals we lost but i don't know um i don't know did you put pig nose turtle in here what's that i don't know i googled it also known as the Fly River Turtle. Also, what is not in that name that you don't know what it is? It's a pig-nosed turtle. It's a turtle with a fucking nose like a pig, man.

I could draw one for you right now. A pig-nosed turtle. He's not that cute. As advertised. He is cute. How is he not cute? He needs a nose job. Your standards? Yeah. He's not that cute. As advertised. He is cute. How's he not cute? He needs a nose job. Your standards are too high.

You'll die alone. He gets a nose job. He's not a pig-nosed turtle anymore. He's just a... He's just a turtle. A nosed turtle. Well, they have flippers. That's what's interesting about the pig-nosed turtle

is they're one of the only freshwater turtles that has flippers. Oh, yeah? Really? I thought they all had flippers. Well, the rest of them... No, they've got hands and they might have webbing. Oh, they've got little hoofy hands.

They've got webbing. Right. So you've got your sea turtles, the ones that live in the ocean. Those are the ones that have the big flippers. And so the pig-nosed turtle, also known as the fly river turtle,

it has flippers and lives in freshwater. And all the other freshwater turtles have just sort of claws. When I was in Hawaii, I was in Maui, and I was in an area that was meant to be loads of turtles, and I saw a few on the beach, and then I went out,

and I was standing in the water, and then a turtle knocked me down. Came and swished me whole feet from underneath me, swimming on the shore. A big, giant one. Did the turtle enjoy that? Probably not. It was probably being thrown by the current and bumped into you, and then it thinks you're probably going to take a shovel to it oh i fell hell over tit i fell onto its shell and i

rolled around and then it looked back at me like hey i'm swimming here shout out to tommy caprio new york turtles went a long ways um all right jesse uh this is a part of the show where we give our guests dinner party fact the expert expert gives us a fact, obscure, interesting, that the audience can use to impress people. Now, we already sort of mentioned this, but there's a couple parts to it. So the first part was what you had already said about snakes, and you didn't mention lizards, but that they have... Penises.

Snakes and lizards, all saurians, have two penises. Do they have two vaginas, the female snakes? Nope. And it's not called a vagina. It's called the cloaca. It's one hole and all the business is done in this one hole. That's the same thing that I call my vagina. How convenient would it make that?

You can stop asking for anal because you already get everything. The same thing. Yeah, that's why I say there's one hole and that's where all the business is done. Is it also a mouth? There a mouth but there's no aura that's not necessary i wouldn't have to move at all um okay and so we walk around with a snake on my dick i got an erection is dangling off the it's been dead for years so they have have two penises. So then, Jim... I'm going to fuck a snake.

That's my takeaway. Here's a question, Jim. How many penises do turtles and crocodiles have? Oh, I've always wondered this about the turtle. Where does the little dick come out of the shell? I'm going to say that crocodiles and turtles have the one as well. One, just one. Yeah, just one.

Okay. That's right, just one. And it's actually called the one as well. One. Just one. Just one. Okay. That's right. Just one. And it's actually called a phallus. We don't really call it penis because it doesn't actually have a true urethra, like a tube that runs through it. It's kind of folded over like this to create the illusion of. Yeah. We just call it a phallus.

But yeah, there's only one. And it's inside the body and pops out when it's needed. Okay. So, all right. So here you go, Jim. Something goes like that. That's what penises look like. Pops out when it's needed okay so all right so here you go some girls like that that's what penises look like pops out when it's needed penises look like that uh lizards lizards and snakes have two penises turtles and crocodiles have one so how many do frogs have um frogs have none because they mate internally they change that last word they can they they can they can impregnate themselves

they they like the opposite of internal externally they made externally that's it jim did it wow so they have no fertilization yeah yeah so how do you fucking know that did you people have you yeah okay great um so that got a bit angry on this point so here's a question uh so at where you were or at a zoo where you work the um how do you so in order for the the snakes to reproduce jim was talking about that like do they have sex or fuck or how does that do you guys they just do it or do you know they make love for us yeah or do you guys have to help them uh so we have to change the so snakes have reproductive activity based on changing environment so summertime fall certain environmental changes the heat goes up

the rain starts that's what cues animals to do reproduction so So we mimic those here at the zoo. So we'll drop the lights and we make it seem like it's kind of like a dark winter for a few months. It's literally like humans. That's for the frogs. Since snakes don't have ears, Barry White doesn't count. It's raining outside. And then? It's autumn.

Let's get it on. That's Marvin Gaye. Snake style. I like that Jesse knew that was Marvin Gaye. Yeah, because he knows he tried that. That does nothing. Snakes won't even fuck you put that on. They're all talking around going,

you hear his father shot him? It's true. And so if they don't reproduce themselves, then you guys have to artificially inseminate them? Is that? Well, that's a very new technology that we actually started developing here. We had to come up with. It's a new technology.

Yes, yes. So artificial insemination in people and cattle, in any industry where there's a lot of money, it's been like just knocked out. People know how to do it. But nobody cares about snakes. So we've had to develop those techniques here. So we have to learn how to extract the sperm from,

we've done it with 23 different species of snakes. Some of them are even venomous. What were you just doing? He was extracting sperm. That's how you jerk off a snake. You get the top of the snake and you go like this. Right. So the front and top of the cloaca. That's how I extract grass. I'm going to grab the snake and then go like this. Right. So the front and top of the cloaca. That's how I extract grass.

I'm going to grab the snake and then I'm going to have the thumbs above and below the cloaca. And then we do a massaging motion like this. Yeah. You do that. And then that will loosen things up. And then the sperm comes and pools right at the edge of the cloaca. You know what's good? You get a big syringe and you suck it up.

As soon as you make the snake come, it's very easy to be like Fonzie and go, hey, I nailed it. And do the snakes enjoy this? Of course they do. They just came. Based on our research, they do not mind it. Yeah, they have a movement called the Me Too Dicks. So far from snakes, no complaints.

Me Too Dicks. I tickled you first. It was. I like that one. All right, Jesse. Before you go, actually, you did tell me that you've done stand-up. You've done some comedy, right? You did some

animal-based comedy. We'd like to hear one joke from you. How many zookeepers does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know. This is where you say, I don't know. How many zookeepers? I'm trying to think of the answer.

How many zookeepers does it take to change a light bulb? None. We make the elephants do it. How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? One. I don't know. How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? One. Because they're really fucking smart.

Yeah, yeah. So far, according to the research, the snakes really enjoyed his comedy. Jesse, is there anything you'd like to say before you go? I know you wanted to say a few things. Yeah, I want to plug for all local zoos. For anybody out there that's watching the podcast, please support your local zoo. We are in just as much trouble as any industry out there people aren't coming to the zoo because they're being cautious and when people don't pay tickets

and they don't buy the fuzzy animals and the stuffed bears at the gift shop that makes it hard for me to get paid makes it hard for us to feed the animals so if you feel safe and your zoo is open and they're doing the correct things, please support your local zoo. Because zoos do good things. I'm a big supporter of the zoos. A lot of people give zoos a bad rap. I date a vegan who's very anti-zoo. And I tried to explain to her that zoos are the same as restaurants.

McDonald's is still called a restaurant and a Michelin star place is still called a restaurant. And you can't go, all restaurants are bad. Of course there are bad zoos. There are also excellent zoos that are helping with conservation and uh and all that type of stuff yeah we did a piece on the jeffrey show yeah yeah i'm i'm pro good zoo i'm anti-bad zoo yeah so no right and i would say that if you've had a bad zoo i mean in common sense dictates if you see something that just doesn't look right call them out yeah like if you're at my zoo and you see something that just doesn't look right, call them out. Yeah.

Like if you're at my zoo and you see something that doesn't look right, let somebody on that staff know like, hey, that turtle hasn't moved in three minutes. You know, whatever. Please let me know. Did you like Tiger King? Was that a good zoo? I. No. After the second episode, I had to throw up because I felt so guilty being part of the industry.

And then I realized that I'm not part of that exact industry. Like it is, like you said, there's good restaurants, bad restaurants. The word zoo is all encompassing. You know, it's like, it doesn't, it doesn't distinguish between research place based facilities that are putting animals back in the wild versus places where you go to have your picture taken with a tiger cub yeah yeah is it very different i vomited after two episodes because i felt so ashamed of myself because i'd come like 12 times it's okay jimmy you didn't have to do another coming joke uh all right jesse crabs thank you very much thank you jesse thank you very much it was very

informative thanks for having me. I think I learned something today. Yeah. Yeah. Take us out, Jim. All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you're at a party and some cunt comes up to you spouting off information that may or may not be true,

you just say, well, I don't know about that, and you walk away. Good night, Australia. Feel your next lizard. Whatever. Perfect ending. Hey, everybody. Jason Ellis here from the Jason Ellis Show podcast,

reminding you that my podcast, new episodes every Wednesday, downloadable where all podcasts are available. Come see my friends, Michael and Kevin, as we talk to you about what's awesome, what sucks, fitness, fighting, parenting, life, spin kicks, LGBTQ community, how to defend yourself against a shark if it attacks you out of nowhere, and much, much more. So come join us.