I Don't Know About That - Cricket

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

In this episode, the team discusses cricket with filmmaker, author, analyst, former ESPN writer, and host of the Red Inker Podcast, Jarrod Kimber. Follow Jarrod on Instagram and Twitter @AJarrodKimber. Checkout, rate, and review the Red Inker with Jarrod Kimber podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Visit https://linktr.ee/jarrodkimber to navigate to all of Jarrod's pages! Go to JimJefferies.com to buy tickets to Jim's upcoming tour, The Moist Tour.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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at mybookie.ag and use the promo code IDK to instantly receive double your deposit. That's double your money to double your winnings with your first ever deposit using promo code IDK. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with my bookie. Norway. Sweden. Where's I IKEA from? You might find out, and I don't know about that.

Where's it from? Pop quiz, where's it from? Sweden, right? It is Sweden, yeah. But I find when you go over there and you do gigs, they're always like this. They're always like, oh, you like the Swedish women over here? They're very pretty, very pretty. And then

they get much better than those Norway birds. Then you go to Norway, they're very good looking as well. And they go, well, we have the better looking women. They're very proud of their women commodities, those two countries. And it's just a bunch of hot women everywhere? Just the men. Everybody. Statuesque fucking people.

The first time I went to Sweden with Jim, we were in Stockholm, and the hotel we were staying at, there was a woman mopping, like mopping the hotel lobby. That was one of the most attractive women I've ever seen in my life. She was like a supermodel. She's like... You go to Sweden, there'll be a girl working in the McDonald's at the airport. And she'll be like fucking a model.

They don't know. They don't even fucking know. It's unbelievable. Very, very attractive people. That's why they call it Stockholm syndrome because you don't want to leave. You go there and you're like, that's where it comes from, I'm sure. There wasn't any crime or anything. What about the word

IKEA? Where does that come from? That's just probably the word for furniture. It's the Swedish word for flat pack. I just looked it up. It's named after the initials of the founder, Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd. Where did the A come from? It doesn't A in Elm Turret.

It's a stretch. You've got to give it up for Sweden because they've got three things. Hot people, Ikea and Alba, and Volvos. We'll give them four. And meatballs. Yeah, meatballs. But that's kind of blended in with Ikea because that's where they serve them. $1 hot dogs.

Yeah, okay. Anyway, that brings us to I, me, and Forrest, and Amos Gill will be in New York City. Lisa Curry. Lisa Curry's not doing New York, though? Doing one of them. She's doing one of them. Okay.

Lisa Curry's going to be at one of the gigs as well. So we're going to do. Most importantly, you, though. You're trying to sell yourself. I'll be there. I'll be there. We're setting off the tour. We've got a great show ready for you.

We're doing two shows in New York. We're doing one on a Thursday night, one on a Friday. September 23rd and September 24th. September 24th. The Friday night show is sold out because the Thursday show was an add-on show. There are still tickets for the Thursday show. So come along. There's still some tickets available for that, but the Friday is sold out.

And then Saturday, we're very close to sell out at the Chicago Theatre on the 24th. Fifth. Fifth. On the 25th. Kelly's going to be there. Kelly's going to be there. Jack will be there.

We're very, very close to sell out on that. I think there's a couple hundred tickets left, so not many. The big, big-ass theatre. So come along to that. And then we have some tickets for the Sunday in Indianapolis, which is that a state or a city? It's a city. It's a city of Indianapolis.

No, I knew that. It's in Indiana. I know it's in Indiana. It's confusing. We're driving down. We're driving. We're going to get a car. A little road trip.

A little road trip and drive down there, and we're going to do a show there as well. There's tickets for that. So that's the weekend coming up. As I'll say again, few tickets left for Chicago some tickets left for the Thursday night no tickets left for the Friday night and some tickets left for the Sunday night if you want to if you want to come along looking forward to seeing everyone getting back on stage and doing their little jokes that'll be a bit of fun bit of fun something different than sitting

around the house getting getting shit on and vomited on. And that was before the baby, am I right? By yourself, just shit on and vomited on by yourself. Me and my wife, we go crazy. We're fun people. We're fun people. We're not swingers. We want to be, but the smell of shit has deterred other couples.

I wasn't going anywhere else with that sentence. I was waiting for Jack to transition. Oh, wait, I'm going to mention one thing real quick. I didn't mention it before. I did my show in San Diego at the American Comedy Club, and people came out from the podcast. So thanks for coming out. And there was a guy named Eric that gave me a sticker,

and it says, Eric rides for hope. And he has a guy named Eric that gave me a sticker. And it says, Eric Rides for Hope. And he has a charity where he's riding from Miami to San Diego. And the money goes to earthquake victims in Haiti. And he speaks along the way. So ericridesforhope.com. There you go. Go there and give him some money for his ride. He's riding a bike, not like a trainer.

Yeah, yeah. He's riding a bike from Miami to San Diego. I tell you what, though. That drive from San Diego to LA, I should bloody get a sponsor. The traffic's always terrible, isn't it? Yeah. You're sitting in your car forever. I'm going to sponsor my next trip doing that little trip.

It's 100 miles, but it takes six hours. Why? There's a train, though. I was looking into a train. I know there's a train, but I've never been on a train in America. I just don't trust them. I feel like you haven't built one for 200 years. I want to do one of those cross-country ones with the viewing cars.

You think you do? Oh, the viewing one, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I took a train from Philadelphia to Miami one time, and it was the worst experience of my life. Oh, God. Yeah. If you don't get a sleeper car, too, you're fucked.

You're just, like, sitting in a chair. No, I want to do the fancy viewing cars. Viewing cars. Jack, what do you got? They need bullet trains in America. They've been promising one from L.A. to Vegas for the longest time. No, I want to do the fancy viewer, viewing cars. Viewing cars. Jack, what do you got for us? They need bullet trains in America. They've been promising one from LA to Vegas for the longest time, and they're like, who will pay for it?

Who will pay for it? The smart person will fucking pay for it. It'll do tourism for both places. If you're going to get out to Vegas in one hour on a fucking bullet train, we would all be there all the fucking time. All right, Vegas, you pay for it, you idiots. Yeah, I would take that train every time. Yeah, that would be the way to go.

Even if it was a two-hour train and you got the one-hour flight. You'd make no stops. Make no stops and you end up right in the middle and you're fucking, that would be the way to go. And they can make a train that would get you there in two hours, no fucking problem. Anyway, well, a few problems there. you have to get workers out the desert there'll probably be some human ride issues as they're all fucking dying in death valley yeah in death valley laying down

steel tracks but hey people won't work stop whinging make bullet train out to vegas jack what do you got for us? Got a new segment today called Jack of the Trades. Yeah. What? I'm going to read you some headlines from the week and get your reactions. You know what I like?

He still calls newspapers the trades. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I'm confused. Wasn't there a segment called Jack of No Trades? And we have not done it. Oh, we talked Wasn't there a segment called Jack of No Trades? We have not done it. Oh, we talked about it. So this is Jack of the Trades. Jack of the Trades. So I have some headlines pulled,

and hopefully we'll spark some discussion. Before you read each headline, can you give me like a newspaper kid voice, like an extra, extra, read all about it. You're not going to believe that. And then you then read the headline. like extra, extra, read all about it. You're not going to believe the da-da-da-da-da. And then you read the headline. Or you go, hot off the press, hot off the press.

Give me a bit of that. Give me some newspaper guy. Extra, extra, read all about it. Just hot info off the presses. Fuck me. Get under pressure, Jack. That was perfect. Extra, extra.

Wait, ask Drew. Big, X-tree. Big news out of McDonald's. Yeah, is it the mascot Grimace? Yeah. Yeah, I know Grimace. It's finally been announced what he is. A butt plug. He's a big purple butt plug.

That's correct. No, he's a taste bud. Get the fuck out of here. He's a big taste bud. But my taste buds aren't purple. They're not shaped like that either. Also, that's just rewriting history. What he was was a shitty fucking designer's drawing. Back in the fucking 50s when all you had was Mickey Mouse or whatever

and they went, oh, I'll just give this purple blob. It'll be fucking something. No one went, and this one's a taste bud. And suddenly Grimace caught on because he was way past Mayor McCheese. That cunt was fucking gone. In the end, all they were hanging on to was the burglar and Grimace. Yeah. And then they had like they tried to bring in that bird,

Birdie or whatever. Birdie. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah, it was a failed attempt, Kelly. She looks like a duck. I'm not even sure what the point is. They brought in a bird. Did you guys have the cookies where you had the Grimace cookie

and the thing, the little box of cookies? How did I remember? We used to get boxes of cookies at McDonald's for dessert because it wasn't enough. You know, you got the little box. I think they're like animal cracker type cookies, and you would get like Grimace and Hamburglar and Mammoth Cheese and all this stuff. And then they tried to bring the bird

in. Not fucking. Also, there's a pirate? Captain Crook? I'm looking at up close of taste buds right now. Like a microscopic photo and it doesn't look anything like Grimace. This is the official statement. If they're going to have him be a taste bud, why would his name be something that suggests that he's tasting

something disgusting? McDonald's has said in the past, Grimace is the essence of a milkshake. Wait, what? If you're lactose intolerant, it's the essence after a milkshake. That's the Grimace. I just thought he was like a moldy chicken nugget or something. You know how like, okay, so my dad, a carpenter,

worked on a lot of construction sites and that sort of stuff. And when I was a kid, my dad worked with a bloke who I think he used to get in the Grimace outfit for a couple of store openings, right? You know, like he's just a bloke. He dressed in the mascot outfit. But when I was a kid, my dad said that he knew Grimace, and I remember that was, I must not have many brags as a kid because I remember going to school going, my dad knows Grimace.

He hangs out with him. They're like friends. That's embarrassing. Yeah, like Hollywood kids. Like my kid goes to school with celebrities fucking all day. My dad knew Grimace. Not the original Grimace. He knew a guy that had a Grimace costume.

Yeah, just a bloke who dressed up as Grimace to open regional stores in Sydney. That's a big deal. That's pretty sweet. Extra, extra. Why are you saying extra? Yeah, well. I heard Conan do that. Extra, extra, we know all about it.

You got that one. Then you got to go. Hot off the presses. You got hot off the But then you got to go. Hot off the presses. You got hot off the presses or you got to go. Stop the press. This just in. We have some breaking news out of Milwaukee. Yeah, that's a good one.

It's a good one. Actually, I don't know what city this is. But a jar of Elvis hair was sold at auction for guess how much money? Of Elvis hair? Elvis hair. A jar of Elvis's hair. Who puts hair in a jar? Well, someone did.

I bought some Elvis cufflinks once. I got some Elvis cufflinks. Okay, so how much did those cost? Yeah, how much did those cost? They weren't that much. They were like 1,500 bucks, which I know people at home are going, that's not Elvis cufflinks. But it's not.

They were Elvis cufflinks. They're the ugliest cufflinks in the world. And like I wear them, they've got like a tiger stone in them. And I sometimes used to wear them on the Jeffrey show, right? Me Elvis cufflinks in the world and like I wear them, they've got like a tiger stone in them. I sometimes used to wear them on the Jeffrey show, right, me Elvis cufflinks. And the watch. Yeah, I got a crappy watch that one of the Memphis Mafia used to have. That one's not much to talk about.

The cufflinks are excellent, right? And so I bought them drunk on an auction thinking I'd never win. I thought I was going in there. And so I wear them out and people literally go, oh, fucking what's with the cufflinks? And I go, they're Elvis. And then people start taking photos with your wristband. Oh, yeah, I bet.

It's the best. It's a good talking point. And then young girls are like, who's Elvis? And you're like, oh, God. Costello? Yeah, yeah. No. Yeah, that would be the next reference.

That's the youngest pop star that Jack thinks a 22-year-old L.A. girl might know. Elvis Costello? He played at the White House. Okay, so do we think that his hair would be more expensive than cufflinks? No, way more because there'd be people who think that the DNA and all that type of stuff. Yeah, I'm going to say. That's a really good guess, Forrest.

I'm going to say 80,000, yeah. It's 72,000. Okay, I didn't get to guess. He already fucking looked it up. Forrest cheated. I was going to say 72,001 dollars. It's because72,500. Okay, I didn't get to guess. He already fucking looked it up. Yeah, but Forrest cheated. I was going to say $72,001. It's because that's the year I was born. Oh, you won.

Thank you. You were born in 72,000? Yeah. He's very old. Off the rails already. Well, that was that news story. Who bought it? They didn't say.

Some guy who had sent me $2,000. Good story. Very nice week. He sent the value. Yeah, he's like, you like this toupee?

See that section over there? Yeah. Elvis' hair. Yeah, yeah. It was still black in the jar. You're going to have to toupee for this.

It's Elvis' hair, he tells you. Wait a second. You just said it's still black in the jar. Did you think hair changes color when it's just sitting there?

I don't know. I thought it was dissolve or something like that. No, Elvis used to dye his hair. He was like a dirty blonde and he used to dye it black. Jack thinks if it was in the jar, it wouldn't stay black

for some reason. It's going to turn gray or like wither. He did grow up on Harry Potter I don't know how long Harry stays around put some in a jar

and see an experiment I'll find out yeah exactly 50 years from now didn't your mum keep any of your hair for when you were a baby my mum had a little

little tuft of my hair in like a photo I have it in a book that I'm aware of your mum definitely has your hair my mum looks like a photo. Yeah, I have it in a book. That's what I'm aware of. Your mom definitely has your hair. Yeah, mine now looks like an 80-year-old who's died and fucking Indiana Jones. Oh, I've got to say this quickly.

My brother's done something that's ruined my childhood. He's got a theory. He told it to me and it's upset me fucking immensely. I think he's right. Okay. If you watch Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones is not only inconsequential to the finding of the Ark. He's not helpful to the movie in any way.

In fact, Indiana Jones is a fucking hindrance through the story and is not a hero in any way. So they're looking for the Ark, right? That medallion's with Marion. The Nazis don't have the fucking medallion. They're digging in the wrong place, right? He comes along, finds them the right place. Then they get the Ark.

Then he chases after it a bit on horseback. Then they open it up, which they were going to do anyway, and they all melt to fuck. Even if he wasn't there, they probably would have never found the Ark if Indiana Jones didn't interject. No, no, no, no. He found it. He was just a nuisance with a whip.

He found it, though. He found it, but, like, the idea was not to give it to the Nazis. That's why we're saying he's a hindrance. Yeah, but his whole thing, too, was like, oh, he's looking for stuff, but he wants to make sure. Put it in a museum. Yeah. Yeah, but he wasn't a help.

He wasn't helping anybody. He was just in the way. I love that movie. But like he's not a hero. It's like if Superman was just going around smashing bridges and going, oh, and then protecting the cars from falling off. Like you smashed the bridge, man. You were already fucking there.

Stop acting like you're a hero. You're just mending what you fucking already broke your car. Hey, stop the presses. We got something coming in right now. I hope it's not that masked magical that Spider-Man. He gives me a hell of a time. What's all this about? Oh, hey, it's me, Peter.

A study shows that ivermectin, you know, that horse dewormer that people are using to cure COVID causes sterilization in 85% of men who take it. Excellent news. Yeah, but it's not just a horse dewormer. You have to say that properly. It is a medication humans can take and it causes sterilization. Yes.

This is the... Okay, ivermectin is... Also, great news. It's a medication that humans can take. However, people were taking the horse dewormer version of it. Oh yeah, that's right. But the version that humans can

take is being studied but can cause sterilization. And the horse version gives 80% sterilization? A study from 2011 showed 85%. So there's some speculation. Because this is the thing. A lot of the people who are bitching and moaning about the vaccine, they're like, what about when my daughter's infertile in 10 years?

And you're like, the problem with this is a lot of the things they're saying could happen, but it would have nothing to do with the fucking vaccine. There's plenty of people who are infertile. There's just plenty of people who are infertile. And it would be a shame if those people were. And I got the vaccine. There's plenty of people who are autistic. You can't just say it's because of fucking vaccines.

It would be a shame if they went infertile. Yeah. I mean, what would we do if those people couldn't reproduce? That would be a disaster. The plan is working. If we don't get them with the vaccine, we get them with the horse, do whatever. All right, final news story of the night.

Lil Uzi Vert, I don't know if you're aware, he's a rapper. That's not how you get into the final news story. Who is it, by the way? Lil Uzi Vert. So this is some entertainment news. And the headlines are... Lil Uzi Vert, a rapper for people who don't know, was crowd surfing when someone yanked out

the diamond embedded in his forehead worth $24 million. What the fuck, dude? Hold on. The diamond was worth $24 million. What the fuck, dude? Hold on. He what? I have to look this up. The diamond was worth $24 million? Yes.

He was still working on paying it off. A little Uzi Vert forehead diamond. Hold on, let me Google this. I don't understand. People are equated it to Thanos. It's very hard to unsell that. You have to find another person with a hole in their forehead.

It's not a buyer's market. Also, yeah, why would you ever put something that expensive on you that's just asking to get the shit beat out of you or robbed or any of that? You're asking for it. I mean, not to victim blame, but maybe don't crowd surf when you've got $24 million of diamonds in your head. It's a nice diamond. Give me a look at this diamond.

I'll tell you if it's any good. It's a pink diamond too. It's a pink diamond and he put it in his fucking forehead, man. There you go. What are you doing, man? That's the microchip. He's got like his forehead pierced and then he has like... And if you do that, don't crowd surf, man.

Have really strong security guards. I like that they're still paying it off. So the resale value on that, you think it'll sell for more than $24 million? Yeah, like I don't want a diamond that's been in somebody's skin. Yeah, but also it's like...

It's been on their finger, same shit. No, but on your finger versus implanted into your skin. No, it's not implanted. He has his forehead pierced and it mounts on him. The way they keep selling diamonds, new diamonds, just speaks to what cunts we are as a society. Diamonds literally last forever. They're the strongest material on earth and women always want a new one. It's like we should just be fucking,

someone should die and then you inherit a diamond and you fucking move on. But everyone's like, if you buy a diamond ring from a pawn shop, someone got divorced with this ring. I need a new diamond. Like, what the fuck? We should do an episode on diamonds because it really is just the marketing industry that turned diamonds into. They hold back how many they're releasing.

Yeah, because there's tons of diamonds. And I reckon they made up this whole blood diamond thing. Now, I know there's blood diamonds, but their whole idea that, oh, you have to buy it from this company because we don't have any blood diamonds. I bought my wife a diamond from fucking Canada, and I had to sell it to her. My wife's a vegan. And I was there going, there's no bloody blood diamonds from Canada.

They just have okie dokie diamonds. Can you imagine how many Inuits lost their homes for that fucking diamond? Sorry diamonds. There's lots of things that are rare that aren't worth that much too. Just because it's rare, that's like the only value of it is it's rare.

The Canadians didn't know they had diamonds in the mid-90s. I ran up into the mid-90s. Sorry we didn't know they had diamonds until the mid-'90s. I ran up into the mid-'90s. Oh, sorry, we didn't notice these. Sorry we killed you. Someone was digging with Nirvana playing in the background. And they're like, oh, my goodness, I can't believe. First of all, I've got to get home and find out what happens

with Russ and Rachel, and then I'm telling everybody. A Canadian diamond doesn't have a good ring to it. I think they're way up in the north. They can only mine them for like a month out of the year because of the snow and whatnot. But that's the thing is they were like, oh, diamonds are really rare and they keep finding them now. Australia's got them, man. In Australia, you trip over them walking down the street.

Litter. Well, that was the end of Jack of the Trades. That was good. I like Jack of the Trades. Yeah, I like that too. All right, you guys. Well, that was the end of Jack of the Trades. That was good. I like Jack of the Trades. Yeah, I like that too. Let's read some ads. Who wants to be a millionaire? It's a free news thing I found.

All right, let's do some ads. I like that you did have different news stories, and then there was like an entertainment one. Very good, Jack. Very good. Kelly wants to do some ads. Let's do some ads. Let's do some ads. Let's do some ads.

Streaming has changed the game. We played one game. My original game was that thing where you get the wooden ball and the string and you make it get into the cup. That was my original game. And then streaming came along. It fucking changed that game for life. I haven't played it forever.

Now instead of watching endless hours of television, we often spend hours looking for the right show to watch. Oh, it's put a strain on me, marriage. You're like, what do you want to watch? I don't care. What do you want to watch? Fuck me. The same thing goes for books.

Don't even get me started on books, the arguments I've had. Instead of standing in front of your bookshelf waiting for a title to jump out at you, up to scribd you get instant access to millions of ebooks audiobooks magazines and more all with one monthly low subscription not sure how to read not sure what to read no no i'm talking about myself personal thing not sure how to read you get classes in that before you get scribd if your illiterate script is not for you you've got bigger problems. Not sure what to read?

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Premiering. I don't know who those people are. No, no, no, it's not that. It's just, you know, it's a thing about reading. Yeah, yeah. You're reading it. If only we could have used Scribd to read this ad for us. Yeah, that's what we need.

Somebody to do the audio version of your reading. I don't do good reading, but I bring the charm to the ad. Right now, Scribd is offering our listeners a free 60-day trial. Go to try.scribd.com slash Jim for your free trial. That's try.c- Ah, fuck. That's try.scribd.com slash M-I-J-J-I-M. Oh, no.

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Of Scribd for free Alright Okay Scribd The NFL is back in action. So is winning season at my bookie with over $500,000. Not pesos, not yen. Or just coins in an app.

Not chocolate coins. Yeah. Why would it be pesos? He's looking at me. I'm just saying it's $500,000. I'm not looking at him. He got me in trouble there. I didn't do anything.

I didn't do anything. He didn't do anything. He tried to make me racist with your comment. Luis, make eye contact with him really quickly. Paisos. Did somebody say Paisos? Luis drives a wooden car. Yeah, and I can't make any jokes about the man. Okay, no.

With $500,000 in contest prize money, winning season makes the bigger games better and the victories even sweeter. It's scrubbed. Head to mybookie.ag and choose from a variety of boosts, contests, and promotions up for grab. Highlighted by the crown jewel of winning season, the famed MyBookie Super Contest.

It only costs $10 to enter. We've all got $10, right? Pick five games against the spread each week. If you've only got $10, don't do this, though. I want you to have at least $20 before you do this. If you only get $10, five meal or something like that, and then the other $10 you put on the MyBookie Super Crown Jewel Contest. Pick five games against the spread each week.

Each win earns you a point, and each point gets you closer to the grand prize if you missed out on week one. Don't sweat it because entries are still open, and all it takes is one solid week to get you back in the mix. Don't just take my word for it like you always do. Take Kelly. She's a big fan as well. Join now and start winning season with MyBookie today

in order to get started. What about Kelly's word? Kelly's word, she says it best when she says nothing at all. You can tell from her face. You can tell from her face what a big MyBookie fan is. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. So much money. tell from a face. You can tell from a face what a big MyBookie fan is. Yeah. So much money. I'm a jacksword.

Yeah, you like money? You like winning money, Jack? I love winning money. Yeah, well, you need the money. I do. Well, you don't need the money. I pay you well. You're doing fine, Jack. When I was your age, I was working as an assistant for a much meaner person than I never was.

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G'day, Jared. How are you? Very good. Happy to be here. Now it's time to play. Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no.

Yes, no. Judging a book by its cover. All right, Jared Kemper. What is he here to talk about, Jared? Jared has records behind him. He likes music. It's going to be music-based. He's got headphones, boxes of headphones behind him

and headphones on him. He's a headphone enthusiast. Yep. I only heard you say three words. Are you Australian, Jared? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Are you from Sydney?

No. Oh, he's one of them. He's not in Australia right now, though. Yeah, but I said from. Well, you could ask him where he's in. No, that was not a yes, no. Are you in America? No. You've asked many where he's been. No, that was not a yes, no. Are you in America? No.

You've asked many yes, no questions. Oh, that's okay. I'll play by the rules. Is your specialty involved music? No. We did mention you'd probably know something about this topic, if that helps. Not probably.

You'd know something about this topic. You definitely know something about this topic. You're going to take it so seriously, you're just going to be like, I'm going to try and get everything right. No, I don't really know everything. No, you don't know anything actually. What? You just said not music.

It's your specialty, the Beatles, but not their music. Just them as people. Could you imagine the Beatles had a reality show? A personality expert. Their time in Liverpool. It's something that I know about but it's not the expert. Their time in Liverpool. Okay, so it's something that I know about, but it's not the Beatles. Is it the North Sydney Bears from 1988 to 1994? No.

Okay, I know a lot about that. Who are the North Sydney Bears? They were my rugby league team. They no longer exist, but fuck it, I can tell you everything about that team. They never won the grand final. They got fucking close. I thought that was a gay biker gang. The little Sydney Bears.

You're all thinking of the Western Sydney Bears. They're a bit rougher, but you'll have more fun. Okay, so is it sport related? Yes. Ah, okay. Sport related. Sport related. What are you doing?

I'm petting the table. I'm trying to think. You especially can't be baseball. We've already done a baseball episode. Is it an Australian sport? Is it a sport that's very popular in Australia? Yes. Is it cricket?

Yes. All right, cricket. That's it. I don't actually know that much, but I'll give it a go. Oh, I thought you did. Okay. I've watched a lot of cricket, but I can tell you about Don Bradman and shit like that. All right, hold on. Jared Kimber has done almost everything related to cricket with the exception of playing books, movies, blogs, radio, podcasts, analysis, working with teams and commentary, including 10 years with ESPN. podcast analysis, working with teams and commentary, including 10 years with ESPN. He now creates his own content on YouTube and podcasting. You can follow him on his YouTube channel. You search for Jared Kimber. His podcast is Red Anchor with Jared Kimber and his Twitter

and IG are at a Jared Kimber and Jared is spelled J-A-R-R-O-D and then Kimber, K-I-M-B-E-R. Welcome to the show. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Jared. I feel like you've done it all. I'm from Melbourne, not Sydney, so outside of Sydney. And I got asked to leave high school and parked cars for a living and worked in factories. And then I was like, you know what? I think I can be a writer because that seems really easy.

And the people who do it don't seem to have studied that much. I've read some things, man. And then, you know, a short, short 12 years later, I ended up, yeah, becoming a professional writer in cricket. And I've done some weird shit. I've basically worked kind of every job in cricket over the times. And currently, yeah, just doing my own stuff for fun. But, yeah, I've been around.

I've done some things. Yeah, man. Okay. Well, we're going to ask Jim some questions about cricket. And then you're going to grade him 0 through 10, 10 being the best. Kelly's going to grade him on confidence. I'm going to grade him on et cetera. 21 through 30, cricket.

If you scored 11 through 20, cockroach. 0 through 10, bed cetera. 21 through 30, cricket. If you scored 11 through 20, cockroach. 0 through 10, bed bug. Oh, I thought you were going to go Buddy, Holly, or the mobile phone playing. No, I did these last minute. I did these very last minute, so I just thought of bugs. That's a good one, though. We'll do that one instead.

Mobile phone playing. Yeah, that's a low one. If you've got cricket, you can't date that guy, can you, Kelly? If he's on cricket. Cricket phones. Kelly does T-Mobile to Verizon, that's it. If you're on Sprint got cricket, you can't date that guy, can you, Kelly, if he's on cricket? Cricket phones. Kelly does T-Mobile to Verizon, that's it. If you're on Sprint or cricket, don't even fucking DM her. Nope.

Okay, Jim, let's just do this. What is cricket and give a brief description of the game, brief. Cricket is a bat and ball sport that originated in England. It involves you have 11 players per team. It involves innings and overs. You know all this. Just speed it up. Yeah, innings and overs.

An over has six, what do you call them, bowls. Six bowls. I thought you'd be crushing this. There's wickets at both ends. What else do you? The wickets are the three stumps with the wickets on top of them, with the two little sticks that stick on top of the three stumps. If they get hit by the ball and you're out of your crease,

you'll get out. It's very hard to explain. If you ask just individual things, I can tell you the answer. Why is the sport named cricket? I know less about cricket now than I do before. I thought I had a good grasp on it, but now I really don't. Why is it named cricket? I don't know.

I don't know. I've never known that. I'm going to say it would have something to do with crickets, the bug, and there would be like a bowler from the 1800s. If you can hit that cricket and you make it bounce, then you give those Australians a hell of a time. So it would be squashing a bug with a ball. So far we've known as much about cricket as we did cryptocurrency.

Where did it originate and when? The blockchain. It's an English sport. The English invented it. As with everything, the English invented it, the Australians perfected it. And so, and although I don't know how the Australian cricket team is at the moment, but when I was a kid growing up,

we were the fucking shit and the West Indies were okay. They were actually better than us. But then there was a bit sort of in the 90s where we were really fucking good. But anyway, where did it originate from? England, I want to say, let's give it 400 years ago. And where is it mostly played today? It's mostly played in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Pakistan,

the West Indies, England, and then you've got some fringe countries that sort of come in and give it a go the dutch and the canadians and stuff like that but i just mentioned all the all the big countries there okay where does it rank in popularity in the world it's the second most popular sport in the world but i believe basketball is giving it a run for its money so it may be the third most popular sport in the world and the reason it's the second most popular sport in the world is because india that's all they care about the whole continent of india or continent the whole country of india of india all they give a fuck about is cricket it's the the main fucking thing they're into is cricket they love it and they're a billion people who is

wg grace wg grace is an english cricketer who uh I've played him in the Shane Warne video game. He was a batsman. He was like one of the original blokes who was just sort of like, he was the first sort of Michael Jordan. What is he known as? Like what's, yeah. He has a nickname, right? I don't know.

I can't remember. It's been a long time, but WG Grace was an old english player from back at the turn okay cricket is played in several formats the there are three 2020 2020 one day and test cricket test cricket is over the course of five days one day of course is over the course of one day 2020 is 20 overs per side and that's the fast cricket you know it's like watching one game of baseball it's an over and people think, this is insane how quick this is going. Is that what people think when they watch baseball?

An over is when you bring a bowler in, they get six bowls, and that's their over. And so they get the six bowls, and then they change ends, and they bowl in different directions, that type of stuff. People in the United States right now listening to this are like, what the fuck is going on? It's confusing. A bowl is the same as a pitch.

Like for baseball. Yeah. Similar. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're just bowling the ball six times. Like a pitcher. I was picturing soccer pitch. A pitcher, but they throw different.

A pitcher is the motion of the ball leaving the hand and hurtling towards the batter. I spelt it out for you, America. Thank you, sir. Yeah, six times you get to do that in and over and then another bowler comes in. A bowler can't do two overs in succession, right? They can do every second one and there's a certain limit

to how many they can do in an actual game. Anyway, so carry on what's what's next um uh who were the first countries to qualify for test status and who was the most recent oh um i would say the for for test cricket i i would say it's Australia and England. I will say New Zealand, South Africa, the West Indies, India, Pakistan were the first sort of test teams. Who's been added? Bangladesh probably in the more recent times.

And then as I said, I believe the Dutch are sort of trying to get involved a bit these days. Okay. I should have asked this first. There are 31 countries that play cricket on the international stage. How many have qualified for test status then of the 31? Oh, this is. Okay.

The 10 of them. 10 of them are qualified for test status. What is the biggest event in cricket called? When was it founded? Well, see, this is a debate because there's a World Cup of Cricket, which now is a one-day tournament. But we all know, Jared, the biggest event is the Ashes. And that happens.

Yeah, the Ashes come in. The Ashes are just between Australia and England. Do you want to know what the Ashes are? It's a trophy that's about an inch and a half tall and it holds ashes in it from when the English were cheating bastards and they kept on fucking throwing the ball at Don Bradman's head like a fucking cunt because it wasn't in the fucking, it wasn't in the rules.

And that's not cricket. That's a saying we have when something's not kosher, which is also another saying for something else, right? That's not cricket. So the Australians burnt the stumps and said, go fuck yourself. The stumps are the things that hold up the wicket and now the ashes from that are an entire little tiny trophy

called the ashes. Yeah, you said a lot of words people don't know. That's a cool story. Yeah, but that's a cool story. Don Bradman, ashes, wickets. Don Bradman. Do you want to know about him? No.

Who is Lumpy Stevens? He was a mate of mine. He used to fuck around a lot. And warts are plenty on Lumpy. I know Lumpy Stevens. He's never heard of a Lumpy Stevens. Oh, that's why I was going to ask you, how do you affect cricket today?

But we'll get to that. Are there women's cricket leagues? Of course there's women's cricket leagues. Now, next question. Are they any good? Do they deserve to be paid as much as the men? Sure they do. Why not?

How many World Cups has England won? Oh, the World Cup isn't that old. I'm going to say they've won two. What did the world's fastest cricket pitch clock in it, or would it be bowl? It'd be bowl, yeah. Do you want it in kilometers? Fastest cricket ball clock in.

Kilometers or in miles? Miles. Miles per hour. Miles per hour, because we deal with kilometers. It's only like 120-something kilometers. I believe it's very close to that. About 70 here. No, no, no, no.

It's very close to that. 70? No, no, no, no. It's very close to that of a baseball. I think I reckon you'd be looking at 96 miles per hour. Okay. What is a century? A century is when you score 100 runs, and that's like a desirable thing to do. Half century, obviously, 50 runs. A double century, 200 runs.

Like a team scores 100 runs? No, an individual batter scores 100 runs. Okay. And Don Bradman, Don Bradman, who is statistically the greatest athlete that ever lived, if you put him up against Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan would have to score another 20 games per game to even, you know, in comparison to how good he is to the other players.

And Don Bradman, he would have ended his, so a good career average is like 45. Like if you average 45 runs, he was going to- A game. Yeah, a game. An inning. An inning. He was going to average 100 runs per inning. And then on his last fucking, on his last fucking at bat, all he had to do was score one run to average 100,

and the cunt got out for a duck, which a duck is when you score zero because it's a duck egg like a goose. Zero. And he got out for zero, and so his average is 99.68 or some shit like that. You know what's interesting about cricket, as we're talking about it, is there's a lot of runs scored in cricket. A lot of runs.

And the argument that people don't like soccer in America is there's not enough scoring. So you would think that cricket would be a game that America would like because there's a lot of runs. They've tried to speed it up, but there used to be a lot of players back in the day that used to just stay out there all day and then get 20 runs and just pad it away, pad it away,

pad it like an attrition type of player. Like Bill Laurie was a guy who did that. All right. Let's ask a few more questions and we'll get to our guest. What is the Nelson? The Nelson. Yeah. It would be some statistic. a guy who did that. Alright, let's ask a few more questions and we'll get to our guest. What is the Nelson? The Nelson? Yeah. It would be some statistic, I don't know.

What score is considered unlucky by Australian players and fans? Zero is an unlucky score. How long was the longest cricket match? Okay, so this is a thing. So Test Cricket now is over five days uh and there's still

like a 20 something percent chance that it can end in a draw that's why it spins americans out i love test cricket because you watch each day sort of shifts and moves and it's like games within it's more like watching a series of baseball like where you watch it over the few days rather than um uh but before that in the old days, before people had things to do, the game just was played until it was fucking over, right? They limited it down to five days because this is getting a bit crazy. So there would have been a game that lasted, I'm going to say, nine days. And what about American history of cricket?

Has it been played here? Oh, I used to get so grumpy. I love baseball. I like cricket too. And I remember when I first got here and I watched the Ken Burns baseball documentary. I love that documentary. I get drunk and watch it at Christmas every year.

But the problem is they start the documentary like this, baseball, it's played in the parks, it's played in the da-da-da, it's played in the thing. And they go, baseball is the only sport where the defensive team is holding the ball all right which sounds like an amazing statistic no cricket cricket as well they go on they go on five minutes later to say that baseball comes from cricket and people who used to play cricket it's all derived from cricket and then rounders and all that type of stuff. Yet they make this out, the first fucking suck up a sentence,

they make this outlandish fucking statement that's just not fucking true because cricket, the defensive team, is holding the ball as well. So I don't know, what question was I answering there? I felt like an out-of-body experience. We asked you about the American history of cricket. Oh, okay. So, well, baseball comes from cricket originally. And then, of course, you always have some cunts that played at a park

and tried some hipsters or something like that. Some hipsters being annoying would be the history of. Okay. Jared, thanks for waiting there. How did Jim do on his knowledge of cricket? Zero to ten. Ten's the best. Oh, shit.

He was going all right. Most of it was good good but sometimes he just completely fucked up like he kept saying bowls instead of balls like he would have learned that when he was fucking five years old i don't know how he got that one wrong you're bowling you're bowling what did i say you don't call it bowls you don't say i've got five bowls in the over you say five balls yeah oh i don't remember, mate. That's my point. I haven't lived in the country for 24 fucking years. I go back and do some shows.

I like Australian telly. What are you getting into me? What's his number? So, yeah, he slipped up a couple of times. I'll probably give him a seven. A seven. Good score. Confidence, Kelly.

I didn't know. I thought he was going to be super confident coming in. He's more runs than I've ever scored in cricket. I was as bad a cricket player as you could find. It's a terrifying sport. You know when you think you're playing baseball and someone's pitching, I might get hit, I might get hit. Australia, in cricket, there's a good chance you'll get hit.

You want to put your legs in front of the stumps to try to protect them and stuff like this, and the ball's going to bounce. It could bounce up at your fucking head. It's a terrifying sport. Anyway, you were saying something, Kelly, that was involved with the show. Yes, I would give you a five on confidence. A total of 12 minus six.

You're a cricket cell phone. What you did was you answered me a lot of questions I didn't know. If you answered me stuff I didn't know. What do you mean, asked? Who's Merv Hughes? I'll tell you who Merv Hughes is. I can do that all day. We'll throw Merv Hughes in another episode.

Merv came to one of me gigs once and came backstage. It was fucking exciting. Jared. He's just a bloke with a big tash. Jared Kimmerer. Basically, that's who Merv Hughes is. Honey, I'm home. Guys, I'm talking about Honey again.

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oof is there an easy way to explain I know there are a lot of people listening here in Australia and in England and other countries where cricket's popular

but is there a real easy way to explain where cricket is to people that might not know or how it's played or at least a couple of minutes? Mate, I'm going to stop you just here, Jared. It's not easy. You can't explain them free healthcare. If you can't explain free healthcare to them

without their brains fucking exploding, good luck. Yeah. I'll be honest. I've been trying to do this for years, Jared. I thought Jim was not too far away with this. Basically, the best way I've ever explained it is it's like 3D baseball. So you can play behind. So baseball only plays in front of you, whereas cricket is you completely go around.

And then there's a few, instead of pitching to a catcher, you pitch essentially at the stumps and it goes for a shitload longer. I think that's probably the easiest way to put it. There's batters and pitchers in baseball. There's batters and pitchers in baseball and there's batters and bowlers in cricket. But yeah, it's not an easy sport to explain even when someone's at the game and they can see it. So like trying to do it on a podcast

is basically impossible. Netflix has a series called Explained where they do mini documentaries about various topics and cricket was one of them and that was the first time that i understood how the game worked because you were able to see visuals of like each position and all that stuff so i do highly suggest that uh suggest checking that out there's a saying in australia when you're trying to explain something to someone and they're not fucking getting it you go fucking hell it's like trying to explain

cricket to an american it's like trying to explain cricket to an American. It's like trying to fucking explain cricket to an American. No, but it is. Okay. So you explained it to me when the world cup, and I don't know when the next world cup is, but it was like a world cup of past, obviously.

And I sort of got it. And then you took me to a test match in Sydney and it was against Pakistan. And then I got it. I watched it and it was, it was, and then I watched a lot of it in Australia. And once you get it, it's as fun as I got it. I watched it and it was, and then I watched a lot of it in Australia. And once you get it,

it's as fun as any sport to watch. So it's good. You know, I think if you could figure it out, Americans that are listening. Yeah, the points are called runs and you know, you'll have scores that Americans don't get like, Australia's 628 playing 402. And you're like, what the fuck's going on here?

Yeah, it's one of those sports that once you're into, it's like it does get into you a little bit, but it's not an accessible sport because it's basically being made by English people to be confusing. It's not like football where it's just like, oh, no, the offside rule. Cricket is made of laws that make no sense. Not rules, laws that make absolutely no sense all the way through the game.

And it's not made to be accessible. It's literally made for really rich people to bet on. And that's why the laws are the way they are. Literally, it was a rich, posh Englishman who came along and went, how can we make more money off this? Let's come up with a new law here that doesn't make any sense, but we can bet on it. And that's what it is.

That's like our government. If you want to know what countries play cricket, just go through the history books and look at what places England took over. Right. Right? It's not like they came into Sydney Harbour and the Aboriginals were playing this sport with a bat and stumps. You know what I mean?

The Indians were conquered. Conquered. That's a bad word. I don't know. Anyway, took over by the Brits, and that's why they played cricket. I mean, it wasn't a good thing what the Brits were doing. Colonised. Colonised.

I was saying conquered was the wrong word. It's all in the same realm. Semantics. All right. Why is the sport named cricket? He said he didn't know. It's all in the same realm. Semantics. All right. Why is the sport named cricket? He said he didn't know. It had something to do with crickets. Yeah.

No, I mean, look, it's good as guess as anything. Basically, no one knows why the sport is named cricket. So this is the thing with cricket. A lot of the answers that Jim gave are kind of like half correct, but essentially no one knows anything about the sport because it's so old. So the first time that the word cricket is sort of ever mentioned is in 1550. So, you know, Jim was probably only about five or six years old back then.

So it's quite an old term. And so we don't even know if it comes from Dutch, French, or Old English language. All we know is that it's from one of those three languages and someone decided that that was what it was called. It had a lot of different names like crickets and different sorts of variations on that. And then one day it became cricket. But a lot of the early stuff of cricket, we just don't know anything about because people weren't even doing podcasts back then. The thing is also the British

can't name shit good. They don't know what they're doing. The British claim to have invented ping pong. You know what they called it? Whiff-waff. Oh, yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah. The Olympics, they were going, let's call it whiff-waff again because of the sound of the bat going back and forth.

Now, that's why I'm saying it could have been as simple as a cricket being fucking squished on the first day. I mean, but when you think about it, is ping pong really a good name or are we just used to hearing it? That's good. Yeah. Ping pong. Ping pong. I thought it was table tennis hearing it? That's good. Yeah. Okay. Ping pong.

I thought it was table tennis. Is it not table tennis? Yeah. We called it in Australia. I called it ping pong. Well, I'll do start with it's double. It's like alliteration.

All of them. Yeah. With flaf, ping pong, table tennis. I call it ball bounce. Nitty nitty ball bounce. That's another one.

Nitty nitty ball bounce. That's four in one. Yeah. And it was originated in england jim said and then australians perfected it correct yeah that's actually true i mean i i mean i don't know if me and jim are allowed to say that but it's kind of what happened basically what happened was england colonized all these different countries and all these different countries could never basically get under the thumb of you know get out from the thumb of england and so they decided to do it through cricket and so if you look at the early australian cricket teams it was like a bunch of like former convicts uh from scotland and ireland basically going wait a minute we can hurl a ball at like

posh english people that like used to make us slaves um or sent us out to you know various parts of the world. And almost every country has had that bit of time where they're just like, wait a minute, you know, like the West Indies he was talking about before. So that's the Caribbean. They're not one nation. They're a bunch of different nations, a bunch of different islands in the Caribbean and Guyana.

And they eventually got very fast bowlers and they were like, we can just ping the ball at all these people that ruined our countries. This is an absolutely magnificent sport. So essentially England manufactured this sport that was really about cucumber sandwiches and drinking tea. There is literally a break in cricket for tea, 20 minutes. Yeah.

Because, you know, you can't drink tea in less than 20 minutes. I don't even drink tea, to be honest. So I don't really understand the whole thing. I don't understand why you would want to drink tea in a summer sport as a general rule. They stop for lunch and they all eat together. That's nice. We all agree with lunch.

Who doesn't want to stop for lunch? Lunch is a good thing. I never thought about that, what you're saying, though. That doesn't make sense. All these countries like India, Bangladesh, you said, and they're like, oh, yeah, now we get to throw balls at these. And it's still to this day, I would argue that from impoverished countries, and they're like, oh, yeah, now we get to throw balls at them. Yeah. And it's still to this day I would argue that from impoverished countries it's still impoverished people play cricket in India and Pakistan

and whatever. And then it's still pretty much rich kids who support it in England. But what the Brits do is they invent sports that only rich people can play because they have to go to a private school that have big ovals in their little tiny country where no one has real big backyards unless you have a bit of money. And they go, we've invented this sport. It takes a hell of a lot of space.

We don't have space. So only the elite can do it. Let's teach it to the Australians who all have space. Most Australians play a version of cricket called backyard cricket. Now, backyard cricket, backyard baseball sucks because you don't want to hit it over the fence. But backyard cricket's good, backyard cricket, backyard baseball sucks because you don't want to hit it over the fence. But backyard cricket's good because everyone can have a go.

You can use a garbage bin as the stumps. You use a tennis ball. You get a cricket bat, and everyone has their own rules for backyard cricket. You hit the fences four runs, over the fences, out in six runs. You can catch it one hand, one bounce was a rule that we used to have in my backyard. So if you caught it with one hand after it bounced, that was still an out.

It was fun. It's like Monopoly. You get a free park and you get the money in the middle. It's not in the instruction books, but everyone has their own thing going on. Yeah, it's like beer pong. There's always house rules. Yeah, yeah. Loads of house rules in backyard cricket.

Not an Andy Ball ball. Where is it played mostly today? Jim said Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, India, Pakistan, West Indies, England. Did he miss anywhere? Yeah, so who did he miss? Sri Lanka, Bangladesh. Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka.

I said Bangladesh later, I think. Yeah, Zimbabwe. Did you mention Zimbabwe? Are they in there? Yeah, yeah, they play, yeah, yeah. Okay. But there's actually, there's 106 teams that are registered to play international cricket.

So about half of what you have in football. And that's partly because cricket went out of its way to not, basically cricket's run like a private members club. It was run by, run like England, I suppose is the best way of putting it. And so like a lot of countries wanted to play cricket and England went out of their way to not allow them to play. And then Australia got involved and they were like, well, we don't want anyone else to play.

But cricket is basically played in most parts of the world, but it's only popular probably now in about 15, 16 countries. So places like Papua New Guinea, it's quite popular there. It's massively popular in Nepal, Namibia, so random sorts of parts of the world. But one way or another, it's being played everywhere. It's just not popular everywhere. I'm a big baseball guy, right?

I like baseball, but I will argue cricket is a far more, from the managerial point of view and the captain having to do it, it's a far more tactical game than that of baseball. Baseballs are hitting to the gap or whatever, but like you'll have different fielders for every different batter and they'll be like scattered. Like it's real tactical type of game and it's a game of attrition. Because a foul ball in baseball, it could be caught,

but there's a fence behind you. In cricket, what would be considered a foul ball in baseball can be caught in the end out. Like there's fielders behind the batter. And they're called the slips. And then you can have like five people there. Australia once played in a game where they had nine of them there, you know, so any mistake can be caught.

Whereas in baseball, if it goes past the catcher, you're safe. And also there's no gloves except for the wicket keeper who has a glove on each hand, which sort of slaps it together type of thing. But there's no gloves. And so I always, I understand that in baseball, because you're really throwing from third to first you need gloves in the infield i i suggest that they get rid of gloves in the outfield we're gonna have some fucking fun games then man because every time they go oh here's some classic baseball catch i'm still like google some cricket catches if you want to see some

fucking stellar fucking catches some bare hand guy diving miles and catching it in bare hand is way more impressive than just snow coning in the top of a glove. It's harder. Baseball gets hit harder because the cricket, the ball gets pitched, bowled, but it hits the ground so it slows a little, and then the bat. It doesn't always hit the ground. They hit it as hard as they can, and there's blokes who are fielding.

I'm not kidding. David Boone used to field, I would say, four metres from the person. Like when he used to play. Closer than that. Yeah, yeah. Closer than that. He was within two metres. He was within two metres of the guy with the bat just staying there and they'd smack it and he'd catch it very quickly with his bare hands.

He basically have, he'd have a helmet on and a box or what do you call it? What do they call ball protectors in the UK? Yeah. A cup or something. Yeah. So he'd have, he'd have his knackers protected and his head protected and he's two meters from the bat.

And there's a guy hitting the ball as hard as possible. It's not like, it's not like baseball. And that, that fielding position is called short leg. There's a stupider one called silly point where you literally in front of the batter. So you can see if he's about to hit you.

And it's just terrifying. Every time he picks up the bat, you're like, well, this is the end. This is my last moment. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. They hit it hard as they can. Yeah. Okay.

No, I know you always say that too when people bring gloves to the stadium too on top of it in baseball. Oh, they both. If you're on a date with a chick and you take him to fucking baseball and you bring your glove, ladies, deal breaker. You can't fucking have a cunt with a glove. And then, like, if you have a girl who shows up with a glove, make sure you take her back to her special home afterwards.

Okay. Her special home. You said cricket is the second most popular sport behind soccer. This may have changed, but historically it's gone soccer, cricket, and then basketball's coming up. Yeah, I think it depends on what you mean by popular sport, because the Super Bowl's probably watched by a

billion people by this point, so it's quite popular. But if you're looking at the amount of fans around the world who follow it, certainly cricket is the second most popular sport. Just as Jim said, it's not just India either. India's got 1.3 billion people. Pakistan's got, I know, a couple of hundred million.

Bangladesh has got a couple of hundred million. The sports who love it, everyone watches it in that country. So, you know, when India and Pakistan play each other, you're talking about a sporting event watched by a billion people, but they don't play each other that much because of the whole not enjoying each other's company and Kashmir and, you know, all those sorts of things. But when they actually do play each other that much because of the whole not enjoying each other's company and cashmere and, you know, all those sorts of things. But when they actually do play each other, it's certainly a huge ball.

But yeah, just as a general rule, fans wise, there's a fuckload of cricket fans. It's just that they all happen to be in about eight countries. I'll tell you something that's unique about cricket, right? So cricket has domestic leagues where you might play New South Wales versus Queensland and all this type of stuff and domestic leads in India and England and all this type of stuff. No one really, like people do follow it. Real cricket people really follow that and all this stuff. But the whole country follows the national team and the national team

sort of plays all year round. They sort of follow summer, just keeps on going to wherever country's got summer going on. They have a series over there, a series over here. So it is a very communal thing, cricket, that the whole country is talking about the Australian team constantly. And it's not like when you talk about the American team in the Olympics, the American team in the World Cup. The Australian cricket team's always doing something. And to get into the Australian team, because there's the domestic leagues and all that

type of stuff, it sort of sneaks up on you. There's a new bloke that just sort of pops up and you just go, oh, fuck, he's all right. I had a bloke down the end of me street who played two games. I'm trying to remember his fucking name. Anyway. Was it WG Grace? No, no.

Okay. Australians have this hat that you get called the baggy green hat, which is just this weird sort of fucking puffy green hat. Misshapen. Misshapen thing. Woolen hat. Like it's fucking, it's not attractive. It doesn't make any sense.

And we, it's like fetishized. What's it called again? The baggy green. The baggy green. What do you mean you get it? You get it if you play for a test match. If you play for Australia, you were given a baggy green cap. You only get one in your career.

I think there's only ever been a couple of hundred of them given out, maybe 250, am I right? Oh, yeah, these are hideous. It's about 400, I suppose. I don't know how many Australian players. But one of them, that's the most coveted thing in the world that you can have. If you own one of those things, you're a fucking god

to have a baggy green. Walk into a bar, you get a free drink. But by the end of people's careers, they're looking like some tatted-ass fucking hats that have been through the wash because they don't replace them. So, WG Grace, who was that?

WG Grace was an incredible athlete when he was young. If you look at photos of him, you may not think that because he's big fat. Big fat guy with a beard, right? Yeah, but when he was young, he was a hurdler and he played professional football in the UK as well. But he's basically, we talked about centuries before

when Jim mentioned a century is 100 runs. One year in the professional competition, he scored more hundreds than the rest of all the batters combined. So he basically outscored his own sport. He was that much better than everyone else. And then he played for like 50 or 55 years just on and on

because he was famous. He was basically the first ever global sporting star. He played all around the world in like the 1800s when it took, you know, an age to get anywhere and you got, I don't know, syphilis or whatever it was every time you got on a boat. That may not be right. I think you're thinking of scurvy. Scurvy, that's the one.

It might have been both. It's another type of boat. Yeah, exactly. Just met on this boat. We believe in two things, no oranges and syphilis. And so he was one of the most famous people in the world. He was the first athlete or the second athlete ever to have a proper sponsor and all those sorts of things.

And he came from a very, very rich family. So he played as an amateur despite the fact that he made an absolute fortune from cricket and he wasn't supposed to. He probably got involved in a few things that he shouldn't have got involved with. He cheated on the field and was famous for cheating on the field. He was also a doctor. And so that was his nickname, the doctor, which is also, think about this, like he played cricket professionally

for 50 years but was also a doctor in the 1800s. How bad a doctor would he have been? Well, none of them were real good back then. He didn't even know the latest in leeching and bleeding. Yeah, but he didn't even know the best leeches to use, I would have guessed. He would have been completely out of it. But yeah, he was famous in America, famous in England,

famous in Africa, famous in Australia. He was legitimately like the Michael Jordan of his day. And if you want a ridiculous fact of his, he's also God in Monty Python. Oh. Yeah, it said he saved the life of another cricketer after he cut his throat on the jagged edges of the railing. He held the split throat together for almost half an hour

to cease the bleeding. While still scoring 50 runs. I mean, is that a doctor? I think that's what any of us would have done. Like, what do you do? Let's hold the throat together. No, back then, the common method was to hold it more open, to give it air.

It needs to breathe. See, air. Okay, Jim said the three major forms are 20-20, The method was to hold it more open to give it air. It is the breeze. It's the air. Okay. Jim said the three major forms are 2020, one day, and test cricket. Yeah, that's all right. And then the 31 countries that play cricket on an international stage is at 10 qualifier test status. That's 12.

He missed the, you know, as he said, he hasn't been following that closely. Zimbabwe and Bangladesh. Oh, you me a second. Yeah, Afghanistan and Ireland are the two most recent ones. Although with Afghanistan, they may be getting kicked out any moment now because their women's team is no longer allowed to play. I don't know if you guys have been following the news, but there's some things going on in Afghanistan recently.

So that's the biggest problem Afghanistan's having. They've lost cricket status, you say? Yeah. Well, this is the weird thing about Afghanistan, though. They've never been good at any sport ever. And all these guys got great in cricket by being in refugee camps while one of the previous wars was going on. They come back to Afghanistan, and in one generation,

they basically go from not playing the sport to making test cricket. And it's one of the great stories that's ever happened to professional sport. And everyone is so excited for them. And the Taliban at one stage were pro cricket because of the white clothing and the modesty involved in cricket. They were actually like, maybe cricket's good. I mean, they also tried to bomb some people

who played cricket as well. So the Taliban's not always, you know, completely on the same page as each other. But now, obviously, the women's cricket is so big. And they're just not as big on the women, the Taliban. I don't know if you guys have been following it. I've just written a joke. You ready?

You ready? They're literally getting rid of everyone's statistics. They're having a Taliban. Wow. Edit that out, Louise. That's excellent. So I didn't know the test cricket is the one that's played over five days. Tally ban.

The test cricket is the one that's played over five days. Oh, I get it now. You have to. Yeah, yeah, ban of tallies. Tallies is when you count up numbers. That's really good. They're having a tally ban. Really quickly before you go on, one thing worth mentioning,

because we're talking about Afghanistan, we did a terrorism episode recently and we recorded it before all of the shit went haywire in Afghanistan. We got a lot of shit for that, guys. Oh, we did? Yeah, but we recorded it before. What does it matter? Terrorism existed before. No, I know because

our episode came out that same week, so we're like, why didn't you mention this? We're like, we recorded it. Hopefully Cricket still exists next Tuesday. Yes. We'll see. Irrelevant. So the test match is five days.

And I didn't know that the countries had to qualify for the test match. So Afghanistan had qualified and now they probably. Not qualified. Qualified is how proper sport would work, right? Cricket basically makes you be good at it for generations.

Like Sri Lanka basically had to wait about 50 years to play test cricket despite the fact that the entire island is obsessed with it. I think they've won like a handful of Olympic medals. They basically love cricket and cricket went, yeah, we'll wait until we think you're good enough. Doesn't matter that you've beaten a bunch of teams. We're

just going to wait for a long time. So it's not about qualification. It's like trying to get into a private men's club, essentially, and you wait and you wait and you wait, and then eventually your mate has to let you in. That's how Afghanistan got membership. Same with Ireland. Soho House.

If you quiz me on what countries had their best players and all that, I know all that stuff. No, we're not quizzing you. Brian Lara, West Indies. Sachin Tendulkar, India. Biggest event in cricket, Jim said the World Cup, but the biggest event in his mind is the Ashes. Yeah, I mean, again, cricket's complicated.

The Ashes is probably historically the biggest event in cricket. He's right there. But the World Cup is now massive. And India, like I said before, if India play Pakistan, that's – in the Ashes, might be annoyed because like your Facebook friends are going to abuse you if you're there from England and you're from Australia and you lose. That's not quite the same as Hindu terrorists

digging up the pitch so they don't want Pakistan to play there. That's not quite the same as banning your country from playing Pakistan because of Muslim extremists and those sorts of things. So it's probably India-Pakistan is, you could argue India-Pakistan is the biggest single sporting event in the world. It's just that they don't play very often.

They only play at World Cups, which are pretty big events to begin with. And so that's probably the biggest sporting event now. But, you know, when Jim was growing up, definitely it was the Ashes. I know I've told you the story in private, but have I ever told the story on the podcast about when Australia lost the Ashes and we also lost the Rugby World Cup in the space of a couple of years? Okay. So I was living in England doing me stand-up comedy. This is in the early 2000s and Australia had lost the Ashes. It was probably arguably the greatest Ashes series ever. It went back and forth. Shane Warne was at the end of his career and was bowling fantastic.

The War Brothers. It was just a good time for cricket. Anyway, Australia loses the Ashes. England hadn't won the Ashes in for fucking ever. Australia had been dominating them, and they'd won the Ashes. A couple of years earlier, or maybe a year and a half earlier, England had won the Rugby World Cup. They had beaten Australia.

They had a guy called Johnny Wilkinson who kicked a lot of field goals and all this type of stuff, right? So England were on a high. They never won anything. They've won the World Cup in rugby. They've won the Ashes. The year after those Ashes, my life became a hell because whenever I walked on stage, I wasn't famous or anything.

I'd walk up. They'd go all the way from Australia. In England. They'd go, all the way from Australia, please welcome Jim Jefferies. And I would just have people yelling, the ashes, the ashes. And they're like, Tony Wilkinson. I'll say this about the Brits. They're the worst fucking winners that have ever fucking lived, right?

So my life was, and I'd gone out, I was in London. I'd maybe done four gigs earlier that night. I got to my last gig and I was like, I can't fucking deal with this anymore. I just want an easy show. So I said to the MC, I said, when you bring me on, please don't say I'm Australian. I just want an easy life. Don't say I'm Australian.

Just say all the way from New Zealand, right? Don't mention it, right? So they went. You became New Zealand? I became New Zealand. The country you hate. It's a bit of fun I had with the New Zealand, right? Don't mention it, right? So they went, oh. You became New Zealand? I became New Zealand. The country you hate. It's a bit of fun I had with the New Zealanders. They'll understand it eventually.

It's complicated words. Anyway, so I go, just tell them I'm from New Zealand, right? So they go, please welcome, all the way from New Zealand, Jim Jefferies. So I walk out. I'm having a lovely gig. It's going fine. I'm maybe a lovely gig. It's going fine. I'm maybe five minutes in. No one's yelling out the ashes.

No one's yelling out the rugby. It's all good. There's this burly fucking fella, big bloke, sitting about four rows back, and he's getting angrier and angrier as he's listening to me do stand-up. I'm like, oh, this guy's not enjoying my voice. And then he just stands up and he turns to everyone and he's a New Zealand bloke and and he goes he's not from new zealand he's an australian

and i'm like oh shut up no no then not only was i an australian but i was a lying convict fucking australian who had denounced my country and I got booed off. Fucking booed off. That Australian New Zealand thing. So in 2003, I backpacked around America and it was when Steve Irwin was famous. And if you remember, Jim, no one knew who the fuck he was in Australia. He did like a Sunday afternoon show at like four o'clock. But in America, he was the most famous person in the country at that time. So the minute he said Australia, everyone's like, tell us about steve irwin and we didn't know who the fuck he was

other than snakes were involved maybe and so i just stopped saying i was australian and i just started telling everyone i was a new zealander and then after a while it was really liberating so i thought i can be an absolute prick and no one's going to think bad about australians here so for three months in in america i just went around being rude to everyone as a New Zealander. So, you know. A lot of Americans during the beginning of the Iraq war used to travel around saying they were Canadian.

I fucking saw it. That's a thing too. Lumpy Stevens. He was a mate of Jim's. Used to fuck around a lot. Had a lot of work. Oh, Lumpy. Lumpy was a big fat bloke. He played for the Earl of Tankerville's side.

He was a bowler and he's basically the first guy to lift the ball off the ground. So you've got to remember, this sport was basically played by very, very old, misshapen, posh English people, right? And so it was not an athletic sport for a very, very long time. And so Lumpy Stevens basically went from rolling the ball on the ball. So like, like 10 pin bowling, I suppose. And he put it up in the air, which is what changed the game forever. And then after that, there was people started bowling over arm. So I think it was slightly before it happened in baseball. And you know, there was a great story of, what's his name? George Thomas Knight,

who fought for overarm bowlers, who came from a very posh family. And when I say a very posh family, that was Jane Austen's nephew. So Lumpy Stevens and George Thomas Knight basically changed cricket by fighting the big fat rich blokes and saying, why don't we make this an actual sport rather than large men rolling the ball to each other? Okay, so one of the things with bowling is your arm has to be straight when the ball is released from your hand, right? So there is a theory that you can bowl underarm. Everyone bowls over. You're never in need for Tommy John surgery because it's a more fluent motion. They sometimes throw their shoulders out but never their elbows, you know.

And so they do that. There's some people who do it so fast that they might see a kink in the elbow and they're called like, Oh, he's a chucker. That's what they call them chuckers. But there was a famous thing in the eighties where the Australians were down. And I have to mention this, you know, I have to mention it, right? And we were playing New Zealand and I think they had to get a four or a six on the last bowl. The chapel brothers, they had to get a four or a six on the last bowl.

The Chapel brothers. Six on the last bowl. They had to get a six, which is the hardest thing. It's a home run, basically. Hitting it over the fence. Hitting it to the fence is four runs. Hitting it over the fence is six runs, right? They had to get a six.

Very unlikely, right? But the Australian. You're saying it from the Australian's point of view, though. Oh, no, no, no, no. It was unlikely. Australians shouldn't have done this. They probably would have won the game. But the guy, rather than doing it, his brother came up,

who was the captain, the Chapel brothers, and he came up and he said to his brother, he said, I'll just bowl it underarm. No one had bowled a ball underarm for fucking ever. You can't hit an underarm ball for a six because it's rolling along the ground. It needs elevation to be able to hit up, right? And so the guy just fucking rolled it along the ground and Australia, that was really shitty of us to fucking do.

But fuck me, New Zealand. It was in the 80s. I don't need you heckling at my gigs about it. I didn't fucking do it. It's kind of peak Australia, isn't it? Because New Zealand had been shit for years and we refuse to play them. We said they were so shit, even though they were next door, we would go all the way to South Africa or the West Indies

or Pakistan to play. And we wouldn't play New Zealand because of how terrible they were. They finally got good. And we went, oh, now you're good. Well, we're going to roll the ball on the ground because we don't even want the chance of New Zealand beating us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so both of you have posed as New Zealanders now.

But you're like, fuck you, New Zealand. Oh, they'd be proud to pose as an Australian. You know the Crow, what's his name who played the captain of New Zealand? Martin Crowe. Martin Crowe. You know he's cousins with Russell Crowe.

I do know that. Oh, okay. He's our expert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when he died. Martin Crowe and Russell Crowe. I do know that. Oh, okay. He's our expert. Yeah. I remember when he died. Martin Crowe and Jeff Crowe, he's related to both of them. And he's also imitated Shane Warne in The Gladiator when he bent down and rubbed the dirt

like Shane Warne used to do before he bowled. Oh, is that where it came from? Yeah. There's shitloads of Hollywood crossover when it comes to cricket. Hugh Jackman once funded a cricket documentary

and there's certainly been lots of cricket. Boris Karloff used to be a wicketkeeper for the Hollywood Cricket Club. Oh, right. Hollywood Cricket Club. You should join the Cricket Club. I wasn't good at it as a kid. Why would I take it? You asked me to play softball. I'm scared.

I'm still going to give it a go one day. Jim said there are cricket leagues that don't get paid as much. Women's cricket leagues, sorry, they don't get paid as much. Australia. There's women's cricket. So 1891, they decided to have women's cricket. An American decided to start women's cricket

in England, and he put up an ad, and in the ad, it said you needed to be tall, free, and attractive, I think. May not have been looking for the best possible cricketers. Huge crowds went to watch them play and then he pissed off with the money. And then we had to wait about 120 years for the next professional women's cricket league.

But it's getting quite professional quite fast now. They're still not getting paid a lot of money, but some huge viewing figures. I think there was 86,000 people saw the last women's World Cup final, which is I think the second or third highest crowd saw the last women's World Cup final, which is, I think, the second or third highest crowd ever for a women's sporting event. So women's cricket has got very big, very fast. But it's kind of weird because, like, you know,

cricket and tennis are so related in that, you know, posh people wear them and they share the same sweaters. And yet women's tennis has been good for quite some time and women's cricket not so much. I was joking about the pay thing. Women's cricket is actually pretty good. I remember when I was a kid, the lingerie league, remember that? That was fucked.

I was going to say, have you tried putting them in bikinis? It was like foxy cricket. No pads, unless that was that time of the month. They did that for, oh my God. They did that for a... I'm sorry, everyone. I try not to do these jokes anymore, but they creep up. They're always...

It's okay. Women have periods. We can talk about it. No, because the leg pads, they're called pads. It was a very good joke. No, it was a good joke. No, there was no lingerie cricket. I made that up.

I used to wear skirts. They had lingerie football, though. They had lingerie American football. Oh, no, they did. That's where I got it. That's why I thought you'd believe me. Okay. I like this.

They made the women's cricketers wear skirts for ages, even though they did. That's where I got it. That's why I thought you'd believe me. They made the women's cricketers wear skirts for ages, even though they had to put their pads on, which must have been incredibly uncomfortable. And now they just

wear trousers. Yeah. So it's, you know, it only took up, as I said, 120 years to catch up. Yeah. Almost there.

A century is 100 runs and an inning. It's not an inning, right? It's called, what is it called? Innings. Always plural. It's not an inning, right? It's called, what is it called? Innings, always plural. There's a great video of Innings Price on the internet explaining to Americans about cricket. And in it, he's very, very particular about innings.

You can't say inning. But this is the thing for Americans. How do you score 100 runs in an inning? That's where I think people's brains start to warp. It's like baseball. People have scored 300 scored 300 what is it 352 what was Mark Taylor

and Don Bramley he retired when he got to the same score as Bradman yeah but here's Brian Lara scored 400 so that's the record okay so 400

but I'm just saying so in American baseball you can hit a home run and if there's four people on base you can get four runs and cricket I don't think

what Americans understand is you just keep oh yeah that's what I was wondering because you're talking about a home run being six points. When you hit your six runs, your go isn't over. You still keep going. You still keep going until you're out. Does that make sense?

Is that the best way of putting it? Until you're struck out. It takes one delivery to be struck out. I don't even know if struck out is the right thing because there's no ball. There are balls, but that's going to be too much to explain to you. If someone catches one delivery to be struck out. I don't even know if struck out's the right thing because there's no ball. There are balls, but that's going to be too much to explain. If someone catches the ball, you're out, right?

In the air. Yeah, if you're caught, if the ball hits your stumps, you run out. There's a few different ways to go out. So it's a little stressful. But you might be able to bat for three days. Until they actually dismiss you, you don't have to leave. And there's also, you can just say, oh, I've had enough now. Okay, I was going to say, can you choose to leave?

You can retire and just go, oh, that's enough for me today. Why would you do that? Well, because it's a five-day game. And so you've got to get the other team out both of their innings as well. So otherwise, if you don't get the other team out, it ends in a draw. So you don't want to be out there. Let's say the other team still has their second inning left to go, innings left to go. You don't want to stay out there and go, but I could get to 600 here. You want to go, we have to have enough time to get them out as well. So you want to give yourself a big enough

lead with enough time to get them out. There's a lot of tactics. That's what I'm saying. Managerially, the game's very complicated with fielding and this and that and when to retire and when to quit and when to put your foot on the accelerator, when to take it off a little bit. So sometimes you'll be rooting for a draw. You have sex on the game? No, I'm trying to say things for Americans. Rooting in Australia means fucking. We've gone over this.

You'll be fucking for a draw. Jared, is Don Bradman the greatest athlete ever lived? Jim says so. I believe so. All right. So Michael Jordan averages 30 points a game, and that's what a great player in the NBA essentially does. So in cricket, a great player averages 50 runs with the bat.

So you can obviously get people who average a little bit more than that. In Bradman's case, he averaged 99.94. So he basically averaged double what any other great player would average. So there aren't many greats in any sport who've ever managed to do that before. And 99.94 is so important to Australian society that the Australian Broadcasting Commission, the ABC, as we call it, is their postcode in every city, their PO box or whatever you call it, is 9994. So it's like such a spiritual number to Australia,

though Jim did fuck it up before, but he's close, that it's part of like, you know, broadcasting. And Bradman was, you know, in the 1930s, obviously Australia went through a bit of depression, same as the rest of the world. He's basically like the thing that brought Australia out of that and was an absolutely incredible figure, despite the fact probably not the nicest guy in the world,

but he was so good and he was the first sort of undisputable great that Australia had ever had. And then he was, as Jim said, arguably the greatest athlete that has ever existed in any sport, despite the fact that he was only a little fella and skinny. Yeah, so this is one of the things about cricket. Similar to that of baseball, there's a lot of mythology, your Babe Ruth and your Donald Bradmans and all the magical things. Don Bradman, I only read a few books in my fucking life,

but I read a biography of his life and he was like a, he could have been a world champion at snooker. He was the number one squash player in the world while he was doing it. He used to practice by getting a golf ball and a cricket stump. So it's a little round bit of wood hitting the ball against the corrugated iron fucking round tank. So circle and circle and curved, right? And you just hit it back, back, back, back, back, back, back like that. His hand-eye coordination was so fucking good. It was off

the charts. And as I said, just a little tiny fellow, maybe five, six or something. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he didn't look like an athlete. Like if you put him next to the other greatest athletes in the world. In fact, there's a photo, him and Babe Ruth met each other. And Babe Ruth looks like he's about to eat him, if we're being honest. And he did. And that him if we're being honest. And he did and that was the end of Bradman's career. Wait, he said

he wasn't nice though? Oh, he was a bit of a grumpy old cunt towards the end. They did a documentary when I was a kid and he was about 86 years old

and they did this Don Bradman, 86, not out or something like that and he just seemed like a bit of a grumpy old fella but I don't think he, 86, not out or something like that. And he just seemed like a bit of a grumpy old fellow, but I don't think he ever, I don't think he was like a womanizer or anything like that, but you speak more to this. Yeah, I think they gave him, didn't they give him a stockbroking license

when he probably didn't qualify for it because he was Bradman and he accepted that. He got a very cushy job during World War II as well, a little bit like Elvis Presley style. And he fought with a lot of his teammates, partly because he was so much better than everyone else. He didn't really understand why they all would fail. But yeah, he wasn't exactly like, you know,

the world's greatest guy, but neither is, I mean, if anyone's just watched The Last Dance, there's a bit of Michael Jordan in Don Bradman. He was just that much better than everyone else and so competitive that, you know, not everyone loved him. They loved being around him and watching him bat, but not so much his personality all the time.

But you watch these old footage, and before plane travel was the norm and all that type of stuff, they go, and the Australians are going off now to go and play. Our reporters used to talk English as well for whatever reason. The Australian batsmen are going off now to beat those bloody English bastards. We're going off to the thing. And it was a two-week fucking boat ride to get to England. Two weeks.

Two months. Two months. Oh, two months. Okay, fucking hell. Two months they'd get on a boat to go play a game of cricket. Now, correct me if I'm wrong. I remember this from the book. He invented one-day cricket one day because they were going

to play a test cricket. Maybe it was rained out. He decided to give the crowd something to watch for a day. So he goes, you get 50 overs, we get 50 overs, and let's do one day just to entertain them. Is that a true story? I mean, he was part of the decision. Yeah, I wouldn't say he invented it.

But, yeah, he was there and he decided. I think it had already existed in domestic cricket, as you were talking about before. But he was the one that was like this. So cricket is like baseball. You can't play it when it rains, but cricket is played on a live surface. So if it's wet, it becomes really dangerous. Jim was talking about before, like how, how much he used to shit himself when he played. Now imagine you've got someone bowling at a hundred miles an hour at you, but on a surface that is grass where they were big dents in it, it's not a safe thing to be able to do. And so they couldn't play this game and he just went, oh,

let's just shorten it and see how we go. And that is what the World Cup is. So it basically came out of that one decision. Here's something that people might not understand about cricket in America. So in baseball, you hit the ball over the wall, people get to keep the ball. Cricket has a thing where you really keep the ball for a certain amount of time. And as the ball gets weathered and old and gets rubbed on one side,

they're always rubbing on their pants to make one side shiny and one side rough. The ball starts to slow down at the beginning of the day. It has a lot more bounce, a lot more speed. Then you bring your spin balls in. There's a lot of tactics with the age of the ball. And also because the surface it's played on is basically just rolled dirt where they roll over it all the time. Over the course of the game, they'll start to have cracks in it. And so you go, oh, you want to have the spin ball aim for that crack because it might bounce. And I tell you what, now, when I was a kid, the fucking commentators used to come

out and do a pitch report, right? They'd go out and they'd have a look at it. They'd always be a bloke. Who is the South African fellow? Tony Greig. Tony Greig would come out with his keys and go, look at it here. You can put your key in there. That's a big crack, right? And we'd all watch that go, oh, buddy, that cracks the size of a key. That's going to cause some trouble.

I forgot this question. You said 100 miles per hour is the fastest cricket pitch he said 96 yeah he wasn't far away it's 100.2 miles an hour I mean in cricket well depends on the country I suppose but most of us would say 161.3 kilometers

was it Rod Marsh no Rod Marsh was the wiki keeper you're thinking of Jeff Thompson yeah no Shobhakta beat him so Shobhakta Rod Marsh? No, Rod Marsh was the wicketkeeper. You're thinking of Jeff Thompson? Jeff Thompson, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, no. No, Shoaib Akhtar beat him. So Shoaib Akhtar, who had this incredible hair from Pakistan, he's kind of more hair than man. If you want to have a look at cricket, just go to YouTube

and put in Shoaib Akhtar and have a look at him. A beautiful specimen of hair and fast bowling. Incredibly arrogant. Everything was about his appearance. He basically played cricket to see how fast he could bowl the ball. A magnificent human being. Basically, the human, doesn't matter if you're bowling or you're pitching, we can only throw a ball. That's the speed. You know what I mean? 100 miles an hour, basically. That's the speed that people can hurl things.

Yeah, they can do about 104 and basically, yeah, but that's still. Wasn't it like 100, Chapman did 105? Somewhere like that.

It's not much higher than 106, isn't it? Yeah, they're about the same. Yeah, yeah, The big difference in

cricket is that you can run in, so you do have the momentum of actually running through the crease. So it's a bit more poetic,

I suppose, in some ways than, and all. Some cricketers have very jaunty, almost homoerotic kind of run-ins. And some come from side-on angles. And everyone's a bit different. Merv Hughes, who Jim was talking about before, he had a bit of a belly. And they used to say he looked like he was driving a bus on the way in.

Big fat guy that used to fucking frang the ball down at him. He's great. I love Merv Hughes. Then Nelson, we didn't even talk about. Is that like the thing with the unlucky number? Is that all related? It's a stat, the Nelson something. I don't know.

It comes from Lord Admiral or Admiral Nelson, who was a famous British guy who famously, well, I don't know if this is even true, but the story is he had one eye, one arm, and one leg. And so in cricket, when you get to the score of one, one, one, you are supposed to keep one leg off the ground. To be honest, like no one's really done it for about 25 years. We used to have this old umpire called David Shepard who umpired well beyond his best. He was probably still umpiring in his seventies, not particularly the world's fittest individual. And he used to have to stand on one leg. And sometimes their score can stay on 111 for like three, four, five overs, 20 minutes.

And this poor old fat guy was on his leg, one leg for a long time. Other people take it to extremes and they do it for two, two, two, three, three, three, four, four, four. But yeah, it's not, it's kind of like one of those old cool things about cricket, but no one really gives a shit anymore. I always liked how in cricket, it's sort of, it's such a friendly sort of those old cool things about cricket, but no one really gives a shit anymore. I always liked how in cricket it's such a friendly sort of sport that when you're bowling, you might have a jumper on, sometimes a sleeveless one, a V-neck sort of wool jumper on, you know, and your hat. And you don't want to bowl with your hat on and your jumper.

So you take them off and you give it to the umpire and he'll hold them for you for a bit until you're done and then he'll give them back to you. You know what I mean? It's so bizarre. You go to the umpire and go hold these for me will you i just gotta yeah and now it's like this oh there's me phone and me keys um let's see here the longest cricket match jim said nine days um he was amazingly spot on with that um i didn't think he'd get that right, but that was a beautiful call.

Nine days. So there's been, I think there's been two nine-day test matches, which I know sounds ridiculous if you don't understand cricket. But they do sleep for everybody that doesn't know. Oh, they go home. Yeah, they used to have rest days in the middle as well. Like you would have a, sometimes you would have a rest day in the middle because you need, you know, you need to rest.

They only play about, well, between six and eight hours, depending on the particular game, in a day. But, yeah, the two games that went for nine days could have gone for longer, but in both cases, the teams had to get on a boat to come back to the country that they were from. So otherwise, I think especially the one in England and South Africa could have gone on for a few more days, and there was also England West Indies, which could have gone on for at least another day. So yeah, it's a ridiculous sport and they had to come in with a time limit and they picked five

days because I don't know, randomly. There's a lot of things that can sort of stop cricket. Like sometimes you'll be watching a test match over the course of five days and you'll start to pray for rain. You're like, oh, it's going to rain one of these days and we can get a draw or something like that. And then it doesn't just stop for weather. It can also stop for bad light because most of the stadiums don't have bad light. So Australia was playing England in the Ashes series that I spoke to, I spoke about, the Ashes series in the early 2000s.

2005. Yeah, Australia was winning, Australia was winning, but it looked like this one match and it looked like fucking it was getting a bit dark after lunch and that played in England's favour. So all the Australians came out after lunch wearing their sunglasses and it was very fucking gloomy. You know, it's a stupid sport.

America and cricket, is there any history here? Is it becoming popular or what's going on here? Yeah. So the first ever international sporting match is debated, but it's in 1844, a team from USA played a team from Canada in cricket, which is some people believe to be the first international sporting game. So America was massively involved in cricket up until the point where baseball kind of takes over. So George Washington played a game of cricket. It was quite big in America. And then really, really randomly of all the places, and I still haven't quite ever got to the bottom of this, but Philadelphia just kept liking cricket and they kept producing great

cricketers. Don Bradman, I think, played in Philadelphia. And in 1905, they had one of the world's best bowlers, this guy called Barton King. And he was so good that he was offered a contract to play in England. But to be able to play in England, you had to be born in the county because they had very archaic old rules. And so the story is, I hope this is true, that he was offered a widow to be able to marry so he could play for the team. So rather than being signed up with a contract like a normal human sport, they offered him an old woman whose husband had died. Why is that appealing?

It was an appeal. He went back to America, to be fair, so it didn't work at all. But yeah, up until about 1905, they were really good. And then now there's a bunch of T20 leagues, which is the exciting form of cricket, is coming up. So recently, USA Cricket has been poaching players from around the world with really handy contracts, hoping to make their international team a lot better.

So Liam Plunkett, who won the World Cup for England, is one of them. They've been getting guys from Pakistan and South Africa and Australia and just basically offering them a nice house in America and a cushy job if they'll stay on and play cricket for America in three years' time. And so would they have to become citizens to do that? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, so it's a three-year thing. So basically, so cricket has always kind of got good this way. So the original Australian team, half of them were actually English, and the original Irish team had Australians and Pakistanis and Indians and all sorts of things in it. It's quite a common thing in cricket because it's a Commonwealth sport. So you kind of need the people to teach you how to play it. And then eventually you kick all them out the side and you take over the

team. Like they have an Island. Who's paying for it in America though. It doesn't seem like there'd be any money in it, I guess. Well, so there's, there's, so cricket's actually weirdly popular in America, but in no particular market, if that makes sense. And because of that, it's quite big on cable TV and on the internet. So ESPN Crickinfo, who I worked for, you know, almost a decade, they basically started as an American website and now they're the world's biggest cricket website. And they started in America

because you could get cricket news everywhere except in America. And it's still like, I think now that website has, I don't know, 40, 50, 60 million users. And of those, there's still about 4 or 5 million users in America. And the same with pay TV. So that if you think if you can get 2, 3, 4 million people paying for pay TV for one particular sport, there's a lot of money coming through that. That's what I have heard they're using. But whether it will work or not, this is about the 40th time someone has tried to make money out of cricket in America. And so far, no one's ever done. Yeah, but you think with all the immigrants, you think that it would catch on a bit? There'd be little leagues and stuff like that? Yeah. I've seen

a fair amount of times people playing cricket in parks. Especially when I lived in Long Beach, there was a park near me, and every weekend there were people playing. It's quite big in Houston, New York. Philadelphia still has a bit of a cricket. Dallas is another place. Silicon Valley, obviously, when all the Indian and Pakistani and Bangladeshis moved over to Silicon Valley.

There's a few places where it's popular. It's just not a major sport in any region, which is kind of what you want to create a buzz right you know yeah but as jim said it's and it's also mostly uh expat so the jamaican community when they moved over the guyanese community they bring cricket with them but then over time you know they move on to american sport so it's trying to keep the expats interested in it is is the kind of the big deal But it's the holy grail of cricket is to try and make money out of the USA. And so far, not so much. All right.

This is part of the show called Dinner Party Facts. We ask our expert to give us some sort of obscure, interesting fact about the subject today, cricket, obviously, and that they could use to impress people. What do you got for us? Okay. I've kind of got a couple, so I'll try and do them very quickly.

The first one is that all the time in the world, Adolf Hitler played cricket and Jim has talked about how violent it is. So in cricket, you're allowed to hit people with the ball, right? So it's not like baseball. If you hit someone with the ball in the baseball, you got to walk right in cricket.

You're allowed to hit them. In fact, you're allowed to hit them repeatedly with the ball and the ball is you've got to walk, right? In cricket, you're allowed to hit them. In fact, you're allowed to hit them repeatedly with the ball and the ball is very hard and it breaks bones. When I was a kid, I saw a guy get his eye socket broken. You know, people have died from being hit with the ball. The Australian Prime Minister, Bob Hawke, while he was the Prime Minister of the company,

got smashed in the face like a fun match with his mates. And he was the Prime Minister at the time. He got hit in the head. of like a fun match with his mates. And he was the prime minister at the time. He got hit in the head. Yeah. Leo. But Adolf Hitler, having played cricket, decided, yeah, it was not violent enough, and he wanted to take the pads off it and I think probably involve blades or something.

So Adolf Hitler certainly played cricket. The other really interesting one is how many phrases in English language come from cricket. So the phrase superstar was originally used for cricket. If you've ever said that stumps me, that comes from cricket. In English, obviously. Bowled over is a phrase that you hear sometimes in normal language. Yeah, bowled over, yeah.

Just not cricket. Off one's own bat to catch someone out. And hat trick is another one. So there's all these things that people say all the time in language that they have no idea come from cricket. And that's because cricket and the English language were growing as one. It was like England was getting bigger and taking over the world and went from old English to what we speak,

or I suppose you guys speak American, we speak Aussie, but what we try and speak anyway. And so the language was developing at the very same time that cricket was developing. And so the phrases just sort of all come together. So there you go. Hitler played cricket and you've probably said something to do with cricket and you had no idea.

That's a good one because I always assume, because I know a hat trick in cricket is getting three people out and three balls, right? That's a thing, right? I always thought that was in all sports we call them hat tricks. So we only do that in... No, and it's in hockey now, but it must have come from cricket. Yeah, and soccer.

Three goals from one player. Yeah, they had a hat trick. Yeah, but it's from the thing I thought. It all comes from cricket. What they used to do is if you got three wickets and three balls in cricket, they would literally pass a hat around and put money in it for you. Was it that ugly green hat? It wasn't. Do you know what it was?

It's not a bloody ugly green hat. That's a bloody Australian baggy green and you'll pay it respect, Kelly. It's hideous. You can't fuck it. It's the most coveted thing in Australian sport. It looks like somebody tried to make like a paper boy hat from memory without any pattern.

Stumped is a good one too, Stump. Yeah. No, they used to wear top hats. That's how unathletic cricket used to be. They used to wear top hats and they've moved from top hats to ugly hats. Although, what do you think, Jim, about the floppy hat in cricket? I still think that's one of the great inventions of Greg Chappell. I like the one with the brim, the cricket hat that goes out.

Jack still wears them to golf. He doesn't even know that he's fucking wearing one. They're like a straight brim bucket hat it is. It goes all the way out. Yeah, they're a winner. You can't bowl with them because your arm hits the fucking thing. You've got to take them off. If American cricket brought back top hats and if they had to wear like tuxes

with tails and stuff like that, I think it would be wildly popular. When I was a kid, there were still players that were choosing not to have helmets. They were like, nah, I'll be right. From the West Indies, he was like... Keith Richards was the last major guy who did it. Richards, yeah. He'd just wear his normal fucking hat with the brim out there, giving it a go. They're bowling at his head. He just ducked out of the way. He gets hit in the head, he's dead. There are lots of states in this country that don't require helmets for motorcycles and people don't fucking wear

them, so that doesn't surprise me at all. But the other thing is, you talk about the fashion, cricket is actually involved in fashion, so that sort of is, I might get the phrase wrong, is it preppy boy fashion that people like? Yeah. They still dress like old-fashioned cricketers. I don't know if they know that that's what they're doing, but it's

literally, that's where that comes from. So cricket is kind of unfashionable, like to 99%, well, to everyone except for the 1%. But if you, if you look at the great Gatsby, they're all dressed like fucking cricketers.

Like, so you know that like in test cricket, everyone on the field is just wearing white, right? They're all wearing white and the ball's red. Okay. Right. In one day cricket,

everyone can wear their colors. So Australians are wearing green and gold and the English are wearing a sort of bluish type of color and all that stuff. And the ball's white. There's these little variant differences and stuff like that. But I always like that both teams are wearing white. I remember an American going, well, how do you know who's doing what? Well, one's batting and one's fucking bowling.

It's not soccer where I have to pass to a person. Right. I have to look at it. There's no reason for uniforms that are different colors in baseball. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But top hats would be good. Yeah, yeah.

Top hats would be good. Then you can aim at someone's head. You think they have a very long head. Maybe it's like skin tight, that top head. Or maybe they're hiding like a squirrel or something. If you knock the hat off, that's the point. And then you go, run. Then you go, hat trick, and you're not going to pull out a rabbit.

Hat trick. All right. Jared Kimber, again, go to his YouTube channel, Jared Kimber, or his podcast, Red Anchor with Jared Kimber. It's a cricket podcast, correct? And Twitter and IG, it's A Jared Kimber. And we'll put that all up there for people to see. And it's J-A-R-R-O-D-K-I-M-B-E-R.

And thank you for being on the show. Thanks for having us on, man. I think the Americans know more and less now. That is definitely true. It's very hard to explain. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're ever at a party and someone comes up to you and goes, cricket's not popular in America, you go, well, I don't know about that, and then walk away at a silly point. Good night, Australia.

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